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The Definitive List of Things Samuel Breen has a 'Thing' About: in Alphabetical Order

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The Definitive List of Things Samuel Breen has a 'Thing' About: in Alphabetical Order

Penned by Sam Breen, on behalf of his coworkers. 

 

 

A - Arachnids. ‘Spiders’ just doesn’t cover it. All of them are bad.

 

B - Nothing, really. B’s not a very scary letter. Bees aren’t something to be scared of - they’re something to have a healthy appreciation of. From a distance.

 

C - Crabs. Both the sea and the STD kind. Too many legs. No thanks.

 

D - Dawn. Come on. You know me.

 

E - Earthquakes. We get earthquakes a lot in New Zealand. Doesn’t make them any less shocking, though. Once I was negotiating a hostage situation and there was really big (6 on the Richter) quake that startled the gunman enough that we could go in and arrest him without anyone getting hurt. While the earth helped us then, I still get queasy when it starts rocking.

 

F - Fiance. I’m in a committed relationship. That word gets thrown around a lot. It’s... uncomfortable.

 

G - Ghost. I thought I saw a ghost once. Turns out it was just my mate from high school dressed in a sheet. We had both been sampling something that was not exactly...legal…at the time, though, so I think I’m forgiven for that one.

 

H - Homophobia. Morgan Freeman apparently said, “it’s not a phobia, you’re just an asshole,” and he’s right. I don’t think he actually said that, but he’s still right.

 

I - Icicle. There was a murder case a few years ago that involved an icicle in a certain… orifice. The less said about that case, the better, probably.

 

J - January. Summer in New Zealand is great and all, but I am so pale. I burn.

 

K - Kristen’s coffee. She tries, but once I had a sip of a cup she made me and it tasted like the juice left in the bottom of a bin. That was a bad day.

 

L - Lactation. We’re not going to go into it.

 

M - Mannequins. For obvious reasons. Who looks at a mannequin and thinks ‘well, this creepy uncanny valley creature is nice, I think I’ll look at it for a long time?’ Aside from those guys on the internet who have mannequin fetishes, and I do not.

 

N - Naturists. See O.

 

O - Orgies. It’s not like I ‘fear’ them, exactly, it’s just more of a disgust thing. You walk in on a bunch of middle-aged unfit hippies having an orgy during a drug bust and you’ve basically reached your quota of orgies for the rest of your life. Real-life orgies don’t look anything like the movies.

 

P - Parasites. Do you know how many parasites you can catch from dead bodies? I don’t know, actually, but I’m betting it’s a lot.

 

Q - Quince. You’re not supposed to eat quince raw, I learned that the hard way.

 

R - Rats. Rats like dead bodies. Brokenwood likes dead bodies. You do the math.

 

S - Shakespeare. I’m sure the dude himself was fine, and he managed to grow a better beard than I ever will. However Shakespeare never had the wrath of his English teacher after him, probably, and I still have nightmares about my Hamlet essay.

 

T - Teachers. On a whole, teachers don’t like me and I don’t like them. I don’t think many of them expected me to end up on this side of the cells when I left school.

 

U - Undertaker. Even though I see more dead people than the average person, undertakers are still creepy. They’re doing a saint’s work and all, but I still wouldn’t want their jobs.

 

V - Vuvuzelas. During the Rugby World Cup a few years ago we confiscated so many of these things. On some quiet days I can still hear them. (Or that might just be tinnitus.)

 

W - Wasp. No.

 

X - Xylophone. I’m actually fine with xylophones, I just couldn’t think of another word.

 

Y - Yearbook. My final high school yearbook was… a mess. So was my first driver’s license. You know what they say - ‘looks get better with age’. (I don’t know if they actually say that.)

 

Z - Zucchini. Roxy has health kicks, sometimes, and she really got into zucchini noodles for a bit. You know what zucchini noodles are? They’re like regular noodles if you take out the fun parts and add a lot of sadness.