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Comin' On Strong

Summary:

Eridan is ready to see people again. Dirk would rather have him to himself.

Notes:

Feel free to read the previous stories first. You can manage without, though.

Chapter Text

The first thing Eridan did when the battle was over was make for the sea. He felt it call to him and he didn’t hesitate to follow that call. A fucking sweep and a half on a meteor and longer before that, all living on land like some kind of chump. He thought he did well in the battle. He destroyed the hope and the life right out of those stupid leprechauns. All while that other kid did something hopey and shooty for their side. He wasn’t really clear on what had happened. He just shot the gill-less fuckers he was told to shoot and neglected to shoot the idiot kid who was fighting in his panties. He could have made a much bigger difference, but he and Vriska had decided that he needed to be as far away from the other trolls as possible in their one strategic discussion on the meteor. After that, she just pointed. No need wasting words on a shithead like him.

He was past all that, even if they weren’t. He didn’t need to be at their big battle after-party. The only one less welcome than him to that kind of event would be Gamzee, and he was past that too. He now knew that what had been for him a real kismessitude was just a placeholder for Gamzee. If Terezi had taken the bait, he wouldn’t have gotten a second glance. That had once been yet another platform on which to hate him, but was now just another reason to hate himself.

It took him a whole day to reach the sea. He was in no hurry. He just walked. When he sank into the water, he was almost overwhelmed by the feeling of peace and heartbreak. Because he was home, any sea was his home, but his Feferi was not home with him. Thanks to him. He had no idea why Kanaya hadn’t gone through with chainsawing his stupid ass in half after all he did the first time he irreparably pissed her off, but she sure hadn’t been okay with him being anywhere near him, even if she’d spared his life. No pity or hate between them, just a kind of apathetic disgust on her part and an awkward guilt on his. Hard to remember why he had destroyed the mother grub egg once he had finished with all the rampagey stuff. Even though he regretted killing Feferi, he could still stand by it, somewhat, though it hadn’t felt as good as he had thought it would and he had really hoped she would stop him before he managed it. But murdering friends is part of growing up, he supposed that complex feelings were just part of that. If it didn’t make you feel complicated things, what was even the point of reigning those impulses in when you were younger? No fucking point, is the point.

He wasn’t entirely sure how long he stayed in the ocean. He floated with the currents and he hunted for his food and explored underground caverns and processed his feelings slow and steady until he felt like he wouldn’t kill Gamzee if he saw him and could probably cope with the awkward platonic hate from the others. He thought some company wouldn’t go amiss. He really missed Karkat. He’d still talked to him every now and again on the meteor. Even when he wasn’t auspististing. Just checking in. Usually barely enough to count for an actual conversation, and always more awkward than he wanted it, but checking that he was alive. It was nice.

He exited the ocean at the same point that he’d entered it, at the closest beach to their landing point.

He knew how oceans worked, he never lost his way. He had a sense for that stuff. But despite this knowledge, there was several minutes as he stood in the shallow waves where he thought he might have been wrong about his entry point.

It sure had changed a lot.

He entered the town that had sprung up in his absence. It was made of food cylinders.

‘Wwhat the fuck?’ he asked no one. He coughed a bit to clear his scratchy voice. He hadn’t really used it, and it was different above water. No point talking to fish. Well, he still did, point or no point, but it was pretty rare that it didn’t feel pathetic afterwards, so it wasn’t a thing that he did with any sort of regularity.

He walked towards the stuff anyway. Then he crossed some line, and all of a sudden found himself face to face with a robot, a bit shorter than him, but plenty of up in his fins anyway.

‘Get the fuck outta my face,’ he told the robot.

‘Can’t do that,’ the robot said. The voice wasn’t familiar.

‘Wwhat, all the real idiots busy with their knittin’?’

‘Some of them, sure. Who are you? Not used to strangers, ‘specially not troll strangers.’

Eridan took a reluctant step back so that he wasn’t nose to nose with the robot. Didn’t look familiar either, didn’t even have horns. Must be based off one of the humans.

‘Wwell maybe if you used that robot brain a yours you could figure it out.’

‘Sure. I mean, you’re obviously Eridan. Didn’t even need the pictures they drew. You’re a stranger, you’re a troll, you’re soaking wet and you have ear-fin-gill things. Would have been polite to introduce yourself though.’

‘I’m not accustomed to introductions. I’m a prince, ya knoww. Not many who don’t knoww me.’

‘Me too. Sort of. Might as well be.’

‘You gonna take me to the rest a the people? Or are wwe just gonna hang out here?’

‘Oh, I messaged myself as soon as I saw you. Just waiting for him to get here. Your double-yous are very wobbly, do you know that?’

‘Your face is vvery wwobbly, go fuck yourself.’

‘Yeah well, being a robot I can do that. Bit awkward with company though, not sure you really want me to. In fact, there is an 82.65% chance that you were just using a common phrase and don’t actually want me to rip off my robot dick and shove it up my own ass.’

‘Wwhat the fuck.’

Thankfully, another human arrived before the robot could say anything else. It was clearly the human the robot had been modelled on, right down to the pointy glasses.

‘You been torturing the fish-troll, Brobot?’ the human asked.

‘I’m 90.2% sure that he is actually my soulmate. I’d never torture my soulmate. Much.’

‘Well that’s a promising slice of awkward.’ The human looked over his shades at Eridan, giving him an obvious look up and down.

Eridan almost wanted to cover himself up from that kind of intense gaze.

‘Yeah, I can see the appeal.’

‘Obviously. We’re basically the same person.’

‘I know, I was questioning your judgement as a joke.’

‘I know, I was responding as a joke.’

‘I can’t believe I didn’t remove this code when I made you.’

‘I can’t believe you made another fucking Horcrux.’

‘Love you, Brobot.’

‘Love you, Real-Dirk.’

Eridan coughed elegantly to remind the weirdos that he was still there.

‘Hey, so did you message anyone else apart from me?’ the human asked the robot.

‘Nah, thought you’d want dibs. I assume you took so long because you were covering up the fact that you were going somewhere?’

‘Yup. Hey fish-troll, want to see everyone else?’

‘I did surface kinda expectin’ some company.’

‘You got two of me, what more do you want?’

Eridan decided to give the human a taste of his own medicine and gave him a slow up and down look too. He’d barely gotten used to humans on the meteor, before he took to those fragile bridges with a flame thrower, but he wasn’t opposed to the way they looked … He was very unopposed to the way this human looked.

‘Yeah, alright.’ He held his hand out and stepped closer. ‘Eridan, by the way.’

‘Dirk.’

‘Wow, I’m feeling like a spare part. Catch ya later, bro.’ The robot flew away gracefully.

‘I suppose one a you is okay too,’ Eridan said, looking lazily under his eyelashes.

‘Holy shit.’

‘Wwant ta showw me around your wweird bigass Can Town?’

‘I do, but I also want to keep you and your awesome fishy face to myself. Can you fly?’

‘Nah.’

‘How do you feel about me carrying you around bridal style? That’s not as sexy when we’re both dudes, is it?’

‘You gonna talk about it or just do it?’

‘Fuck yes.’

Dirk swept his arm under Eridan’s knees and pulled him to his chest. He took off quickly, but every bit as gracefully as his robot had.

‘Wwhere’re you takin’ me?’ Eridan asked once he got used to the sensation of flying. It wasn’t that different to swimming, except he was usually a lot more in control.

‘I have no fucking idea. I just started flying. You’re kinda throwing me off my game more than I’d like to admit.’

‘Wwell that’s fuckin’ flatterin’.’

Dirk blushed a little under his pointy shades.

‘Do you have any suggestions?’

‘I’vve been livvin’ under the sea,’ Eridan reminded Dirk.

‘Right. Can you handle your own if we go to the forest? It’s a bit … full of monsters. But it’s nice.’

‘I got a rifle, knoww howw to use it.’

‘Hot.’

They landed in a clearing surrounded by dense, tall trees. Eridan could feel the presence of large creatures pressing close. He equipped Ahab’s Crosshairs, braced it comfortably against his shoulder. Dirk took out a sword and held it loosely by his side. It wasn’t a fighting stance, but Eridan could protect the human if he was shit at this stuff. He vaguely recalled that he had been assigned to one of the more difficult opponents for that last battle, but that could have been to do with his godtier powers, not his bladekind abilities. Prince was a powerful class. He assumed that was what the robot had been hinting at.

There was a blur next to him and then Dirk was standing next to a decapitated beast on the other side of the clearing.

Okay. Not shit at this stuff.

Time to show off.

They dispatched the monsters quickly. Swords and rifles weren’t super compatible, but they were both clearly experienced fighters. Eridan had been hunting since he could hold a gun and yet he wasn’t too proud to be unable to say that Dirk was probably more skilled than him. Well, he was exactly that proud, but he could at least admit it in his own head. And he was a bit out of practice. The sea creatures on this planet were fairly pathetic.

When they had finished, Dirk slapped Eridan on the rump.

‘Good game,’ he said.

Eridan raised an eyebrow, but put it down to human nonsense. He could be as culturally sensitive as the next guy. Well, probably not as well as the next guy, but certainly he could accept alien weirdness without flipping his shit.

‘Look at that, you’ve dried off mostly.’

Eridan looked down obediently. He was indeed mostly dry, except for his stupid scarf. Feferi had given it to him, but wool was crazy absorbent. He didn’t know why she had thought it was a good gift idea or why he continued to wear it anyway. Oh yeah, it was because he was in love with her.

He stripped off the scarf and let it flop wetly on the ground.

‘Aw, I like the scarf. Although, never let it be said that I object to clothes being removed. Should I take off my wifebeater?’

‘Wwhat the fuck is a wifebeater? It’s just pretty dumb to wwear wwool wwhen I livve in the sea, isn’t it?’

Dirk took off the sleeveless top he was wearing. Hello human muscles , Eridan thought.

‘I thought it was ironic,’ Dirk said. ‘So what’s the go here, we getting naked?’

Eridan rolled his weight onto his back leg and pretended to give it some thought. The answer was hell yes , but it wouldn’t do to come on too strong. He had learned something since he was 6 and that something was to pretend that he wasn’t as repulsive as he actually was. Good lesson, Karkat.

Before he could answer though, Dirk’s shades started to glow.

‘Goddamn, sorry Eridan, I gotta take this.’

Eridan took the opportunity to eye up the naked part of Dirk’s body as much as he could. It was different to his own, but not as much as he would have expected from an alien. He could see himself getting to know this model very easily.

And then it was being covered up by the shirt again. Eridan scowled his displeasure.

‘Sorry babe, this party’s about to get crashed. I made the mistake of giving my AI exactly my personality and I have zero people skills, so of course it is not up to the task of distracting other people. I know you have a bit of a history that I didn’t bother to learn with these assholes, but I assume since you were surfacing you were ready to deal with it? Just say the word and I can fly you back to the ocean, but I’d really rather you hang around a bit. Could use a fella who doesn’t find me repulsive, you know?’

‘Wwho’s coming?’ Eridan captchalogued his scarf, not wanting to put partially dried wool back on.

‘Dave and Karkat.’

‘Oh, they’re fine. Karkat was my auspistice. Have he and Dave settled in a quadrant yet?’

‘OF COURSE YOU’RE GOSSIPING ABOUT ROMANCE, WHAT THE FUCK ELSE WOULD YOU BE DOING?’

‘Hey Karkat, long time, no—hey no need for sickles! I’m good, I’ve been vvery wwell behavved, wwhat the fuck?’

Eridan looked back to Dirk for some kind of support, but he was standing shoulder to shoulder with Dave. Were they related somehow? Eridan had no idea, all the humans he had seen so far kinda looked the same.

‘WHY HAVE YOU DECIDED TO REMOVE YOUR STINKY FISH ASS FROM THE SEA? HAD ENOUGH SULKING? OR HAS SOLITARY SULKING BECOME BORING AND YOU’RE HERE TO INFLICT YOUR WHINING ON US AGAIN? GOT ANY MURDERS TO GET OFF YOUR CHEST? BECAUSE THIS PLANET IS A MURDER FREE ZONE, BUSTER.’

‘Except for the monsters,’ Dave said helpfully.

‘OBVIOUSLY EXCEPT FOR THE MONSTERS. WHICH I GUESS MEANS THAT I WOULD NOT BE A MURDERER IF I KILLED YOU RIGHT NOW, SEEING AS YOU ARE A MONSTER.’

‘Aw, Karkat, can wwe just have a second of chill right here? Those murders wwere a really long time ago and I already did a lot of apologisin’.’

‘NO YOU FUCKING DID NOT!’

‘I apologised to you! Grovvelled like a goddamn rustblood, right respectful.’

‘YEAH AND NOT A SINGLE OTHER PERSON! INCLUDING THE PEOPLE YOU MURDERED, YOU ASS. YOU WRAPPED YOURSELF UP IN THE MOST DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP I’VE EVER SEEN, FORCED ME TO MEDIATE BETWEEN YOU LIKE A SUCKER EVEN THOUGH I COULDN’T DO IT PROPERLY BECAUSE OF HUMAN FIDELITY AND NOW YOU’RE WHAT? KIDNAPPING MY HUMAN BOYFRIEND’S BROTHER?’

Brother, okay, he knew that one. Like Dave and Rose were brothers or sisters or something. Eridan had forgotten all the fucking terminology.

‘If anythin’, he kidnapped me.’

Karkat screamed a fury noise. Eridan had actually missed that a bit, but he wasn’t going to admit to that shit.

‘Ha, Karkat’s calling everything “human” again,’ Dirk said to Dave.

Eridan ignored them.

‘Ouch Karkat, you’re gonna bloww my fuckin’ gills off with your rageshouts. I’m not messin’ with your matesprit’s bro, I promise. I mean, I’m not opposed to a bit a messin’ but this is all very twwo sided.’

‘Really bro?’ Dave asked.

‘What can I say, apparently my type is fish-trolls.’

‘You know, I wasn’t gonna say anything, but …’

‘Really? He didn’t kidnap you?’ Karkat asked Dirk.

‘Naw. What did sentry-Dirk say?’ Dirk said.

‘A lot of nonsense, as per fucking usual.’ Karkat snipped. He had at least lowered his voice.

‘Yeah man, I couldn’t even figure out what he was trying to say. I think you programmed this one wrong.’

‘Fuck you, too!’ Dirk’s brobot was perched in a nearby tree.

‘Great fucking sentry work,’ Dirk told him.

‘I’m paid to guard the town, not act as a sock on the door of a forest.’

‘You’re not paid at all, knobhead.’

‘Then what the fuck am I doing here?’ The robot blurred and then was standing next to Eridan. ‘Apparently I don’t get paid, so I guess I quit. Want to run away and join the circus, fishdick?’

‘Nope! Can’t do it! Can’t deal with this! My Dirk quota is full and so is my Eridan quota and also my everyone who isn’t Dave quota. Everyone get the fuck out of my forest, I am your god, I made you all, I have authority!’

‘Later bro,’ Dirk and the robot said in unison. They high-fived.

‘I really fucking wish they would stop doing that,’ Karkat said.

‘You might want to ollie outie, bro, take your fish-bro with you,’ Dave said. His cool hadn’t slipped once in Eridan’s sight. Always fucking inscrutable. If anyone was gonna kill him, Dave was fairly high on the list, and yet he was acting like he had no issues.

Dirk gave him a smirk before bundling Eridan up like he had before and flying away. The robot followed.

‘You reckon Karkat’s gonna burn the forest down?’ the robot asked casually.

‘God, I hope not. What are my chances of getting you to behave like an actual sentry if I sneak my honey here back to my hive?’

‘I’d say they’re less than 3%. I’d give it a shot, but this brain you gave me is just total shithouse at the socialising thing and it’s almost as if being a robot only made it worse. As if somehow putting an already emotionally stunted thing into a tin can that people assume has no feelings only left them with the ability to ignore my feelings even better than they already did which is helped by my increased ability to avoid expressing feelings.’

‘Those sure were some feelings you just expressed.’

‘Ha, I know. Also, nice pun before.’

‘So I should go and talk to people?’

‘Yeah, they’re taking up my CPU with messages at the moment. Had to pause Friendship Is Magic to give myself space, not happy about that, I can tell you.’

‘Goddamn, who’s messaging me? Could you warn me when I’m ignoring someone?’

‘Just Roxy. And Jane. And John. And Kanaya.’

‘Fuuuuck, okay, you called it, Brobot, sorry for doubting you.’

‘I’ll just tell them to meet you at the town hall and you can shout it out, sound good?’ Brobot gave Dirk two middle fingers and flew away without waiting for an answer.

‘Ugh, he blocked everyone, which means he’s not gonna field my messages anymore. I need a fucking auto responder for my auto responder. Welp, going to meet everybody, any objections, gorgeous?’

‘Nah, but keep your swword lose in your sheath. Kan nearly killed me the last three times wwe wwere in a room together.’

‘Sounds like innuendo but okay.’