Cowboy Chris woke up and rubbed semen out of his eyes as the beautiful wild west sun rose in the sky above his little log cabin in the middle of nowhere, the place all cowboys loved to trot. He poured himself some coffee, and rubbed his sore butt recently pounded by the concept of writing shitty fanfiction about shitty cowboy ocs. He put on his little buckaroo booty shorts, and popped a cd into his old timey gramophone. His favourite record, How I Beat Shaq, started playing. He sat on top of one of his thousands of lube barrels, and turned on his cowboy computer, powered by tumbleweeds and regular weed....heh heh. With the ancient classical melody of Aaron Carter soothing his ears, he logged on and went to AO3 to check how his billions of beautiful fans were doing.
What he saw made his dick blurst out into tears, and his eyes soon followed...where he expected to see his sacred texts and billions of admirers, he saw nothing....barely anything...his fanfictions...waluigi's big score...scrappy doo found dead in miami......the good....tobey's turbulent tuesday.....dippers party....the cowboy chronicles....mr clean...the vape wars.......a dip to remember....all gone....lost like piss in the rain....piss on my face......hehe watersports ;3c
Chris jumped to his feet and reached deep into his ass pulling out his two six-shooters Mischeif and Mayhem...it was time to do what had to be done...AO3 had to pay for their crime....the sacred cowboys had been attacked...and it was time to fight back after decades, nay, CENTURIES of oppression...it was time for AO3 to end...
Chris pulled into his third asscheek and pulled out a cellphone. He dialed 666-420-6969 and called up his old war buddies...the Cereal killers........A husky, gruff old man answered the phone. Chris immediately knew who it was. "Hey captain......it's time for me to call in a favor....crunchatize me bitch..." Immediately Chris dissolved into a swarm of flying cereal crunches, and zoomed through the phone. The process was incredibly painful, and he felt his immortal soul destroyed and rebuilt a thousand times as he was crunchatized, then uncrunchatized on the other side of the phone, in a high tech military base where Captain Crunch waited for him, an eyepatch over his eyes and war scars all across his face.
Chris reached out a lube-encrusted hand to shake. Captain crunch didn't react at all. "What do you need, buckaroo....you've got one favor...i'll never forget that dicking you gave me back in vietnam..."
Crhis's bulge wiggled with the memory of that wild night...but he had to focus. it was time to get down to business. if you know what i mean ;)
"I need a pilot...the best you've got. I need revenge on some bad boys...and not the sexy kind of bad boys...the bad kind of bad boys...."
Captain crunch sighed. "Chris you wacky ol' motherfucker. What kinda shit have you gotten yourself into now..." Chris's mouth was too filled with cum to speak...he had to pull out a little sheet of paper and write three letters....AO3. He slid it across to Crunch, who whistled as he read it. "Thats one hell of a job cowboy...but I owe you. Your pilot's out back, pardner. Now don't ever come into my house and speak to me or my son ever again, you bastard fuck scum." Captain Crunch spit a glob of acid at Chris, melting his face off. Well, thats how it is on this bitch of an earth! Chris skipped out back, past a thousand military crates filled with shit like i dunno guns and lube and stuff.
In the backyard, Chris saw a huge airfield, and a shitty lookin biplane piloted by none other than the famous war hero Tony the Tiger. Crhis's pants filled up with tears and.....other fluids..."Tony...I fought you died in vietnam...how are you here?!?! nani the fuck?!"
"Oh it's cool" Tony said, in his sexy furry voice.
"But...but I saw your head explode! I dropped your body into a paper shredder!" chris spat out, along with a glob of cum
"Yeah but i got better."
"Oh ok ccool. Lets do this bro"
Chris climbed into the back of the plane, and told Tony about his quest...he had to fly into the heart of the world's deadliest city, formerly known as Miami, now known as New Neo Scrappy-Doopolis, after Scrappy Doo was found dead in miami. Tony nodded, and didn't speak another word for the 326 hour plane ride. They had lots of passionate sex along the way, but that's not important right now. Anyway, Chris climbed out the seat once they were flying over the central plaza where the massive, looming ass castle of the AO3 headquarters loomed. Chris jumped out of the plane, and forgot his parachute and fell straight down and died the end
haha no you're suffering through a lot more of this shit
Crhis landed with a titanic thud in the center of the city, with a huge explosion that killed thousands, leaving a huge crater. He calmly smoked a cigarette and walked to the front doors of the Ao3 headquarters. He glanced to the side and saw Scrappy Doo's lifeless corpse laying there, under a huge 30000 foot monument to Scrappy's death in a Miami Applebee's bathroom stall. He made a shhhhing sound and reached over, closing the dog's eyes. No tears, scrap....only dreams now. It was time to do what had to be done by Chris...He pulled out his two guns Ass and Blast and kicked down the door to Ao3 headquarters. It was time for the final battel.
Immediately as he bust into the door, he was surrounded by thousands of shitty sherlock or whatever fans. what are the kids into these days? i dont fuckin know. anyway there were a bunch of like fanfic interns and shit and they all had shotguns with OTP or whatever written on them. Chris blasted away at the walls and fired 100000 bullets using a secret technique taught to him by his old friend and lover, Shadow the Hedgehog......rest in piss brother.....
After a really quick gunfight that lasted 10,000 years, everyone on the first floor was dead and the entire building was in fucking shambles and on fire and shit because Chris threw a ton of grenades and shit and also peed everywhere so it smelled nasty. Gross, dude! But he knew it didn't matter, it was all worth it...he licked every square inch of the floor searching for a secret entrance, the entrance to the basement dungeon, where he knew the prisoners would be held...his old buddies would be there...after a decade of lickin around, he found a trapdoor, and yanked it open usin his dick muscles...it was time to free his comrades...
The dungeon was dark and had no sources of light, so Chris squeezed his nose and it lit up bright red like a funny electric clown! haha! Guided by his nose and his dicksense, he travelled through 10,000 miles of the dungeons underneath Scrappy Doopolis...he knew they had to be around here somewhere.......And then, he found them...chained up on the wall...his old buddies from all the wacky fanfictions...Guy fieri...goku...jotaro kujo...dipper....sonic the hedgehog...aaron carter too...osmosis jones...all those wacky jojo boys...the duane....everyone else we wrote about that i cant remember...OH YEAH FUCKIN JARJAR BINKS....daddy binks...chris's senpai...
But as he rushed to jarjar's side to undo his manacles, he saw that his eyes were glazed and lifeless, and AO3 was branded into all of the prisoner's foreheads...they had been taken...midn controlled or worse by the evil masterminds behind AO3, who wanted to to delete all wacky and fun fanfictions from god's green earth...Chris knew there was nothing he could do but put them out of their misery...he pulled out his cowboy knife and moved down the line, mercy killing everyone with the spurs on his boot, that he also had a snake in! haha. But then, at the very end of the dungeon, he saw the final prisoner, and he gasped....he couldn't believe his eyes...it was....it was none other than...
TOBEs..... TOBEY MAGUIRE...... the one that got away..... the greasy man whom cowboy chris loved with all of his sweaty, meaty heart..... here.... with AO3 on his forehead.....
Chris hesitated, dick deflating... he couldn't do it.... he couldnt kill the love of his life. He remembered the times he and Tobey had.... jerking off to furry porn together, murdering thousands of innocents in Vietnam... voring Aaron Carter... they did it all. He couldn't do it.... not like this.
He lets out a choked sob, and Tobey looks up at him. He looks weak in the eyes, but even so, he smiles when he sees Chris, his beautiful greasy spiderman teeth showing. God, Chris wanted to eat those teeth so bad....
"Tobey....." Chris chokes out, dick in his mouth.
"mmmmm.... Cowboy Chris-sama......" Tobey whimpers, looking at Chris lovingly. "I've waited.... for 69420 years...."
"I'm here....." Chowboy Chris sighs, holding the hand of his beloved TObey. Tobey smiles, then stands, ready to leave and start a new life with his lover.... HOWEVER.... before he can move, he trips on a huge dildo and lands face first into a steaming pizza pie. This was certaintly not pizza time, haha! Chris laughs, thinking it to be nothing serious.... but then..... tobey looks up and....
His bangs.... theyre greasy.... and in front of his eyes... he smirks.
"Hem hem.... Chris... you fell right into my greasy, lube trap. You fool.. You absolute Bafooon... You money ass bitch... thottie.... fuckin uhhhh.. can i get uhhh...."
Chris gasps, tears in his beautiful, shining, cowboy eyes. "Dark Tobey... No...." He grabs Dark Tobey's greasy dongus, jerkin it off at a blinding pace. It is so fast that it is beyond what the mind can comprehend, but Tobey just takes it with a lil smirk on his greasy face.
"I'm gonna put some dirt in yur eye...." Dark Tobey whispers in his little thottie voice.
"NO!!! Tobey.. you have to be in there somewhere... let pizza time call you back.... you are a pizza boy... these pizzas must be liquified by now... dr connors class... you HAVE TO remember that!!!" He shakes Dark Tobey, and his phat dick!
"Fool.... I am the powerful PEO (pizza exective officer) and i OWn this company... AO3 is mine.... it stands for Ass Openers 3000."
Chris gasps.... Ass Openers? But... But HE Was the most powerful ass opener in all the land.....
"You guessed right, Cowboy Chringus Bingus...... You are the heir of the company.. of this company dies, so do you...."
Cowboy Chris' face goes deadly serious. He hacks out a glob of lube, and puts on some really cool shades. Even though it's dark in the dungeon. What a fucking tool. Anyway he puts these babies on and is all like, "Then let it burn."
Dark Tobey GASPS! Put it is too late. Cowboy Chris pulls out a gun and shoots Tobey in his precious dick, the source of all his greasy powers. The grease slowly drains out of his bangs, showing that he is dead.
Cowboy Chris feels the power of the company move to him... and laughs. "Hem hem..... I am speaking to you, thot."
Then he does the unthinkable. He shoots his own dick off.
The world explodes in a bunch of piss and cum, and what once was is no more.
There is nothing.... but white....
... Can you hear me?
"What....what is that?" Chris said. "I can...I cna hear the text...I can see the writing....what does this mean??? NANI THE FUCK!?!?""
It means...it means you are free son...Let me try and explain things a little. This may be a little weird...
Suddenly, the world shifts, and stretches, and then Chris is back in the wild west, on the vast plains of his childhood....across from him is an almost identical but slightly different, older man, dressed like a cowboy, but...but different...
Immediately Chris knows who this is...he says it out loud..."Chuck....chuck tingle...dad..."
The older cowboy beams at him..."Yes, my son...you're finally aware. By killing your dick, you destroyed the fanfic reality...Ao3 is no more...but you have my powers...you can travel between the timelines...you can prove love...by accepting your own defeat, you open up the pathways into infinite realities...infinite love....infinite pounding..." Tingle began to cry.
"So you mean...this whole time, I haven't been writing fanfictions? I've been in one????"
"Yes chris...I know it must be difficult to understand the nature of this reality, but."
"No its cool I got it" chris says "hey this fucking sucks go eat shit"
the end ......................................?
the cycle continues......
somewhere, deep in the wild west, a cowboy looks up from his computer and smiles, finishing up another writing project. "Sometimes, the greatest thing to fuck.....is the mindfuck......makes you think......."