You know the feeling when you're walking through a really quiet place and suddenly you get really nervous because the only thing you hear are your own footsteps? Like you're waiting for something really bad to just pop out and scare you half to death?
I haven't had that thought lately. I guess I've been feeling brave.
I used to have really sudden mood swings, you know? I am a naturally happy person. It's my default mode.
Or at least that's what everyone that sort-of-knows-me would say. Someone that actually knows me would say that I am complicated.
I had really sudden mood swings. I could be very happy and boisterous one minute and then the world would lose all its color the next. It was just like that. Like the turning of a page or the snapping of fingers.
I got better once I met Akaashi, though. He's my boyfriend and has been since my first year at college. We were in high school together, you see, and I never got the balls to ask him out until my graduating ceremony. I gave him my second button and confessed. He said he'd been hoping I did that. That made me really happy. He was so beautiful.
Anyways, mood swings. I was talking about that.
For a few years now, I haven't had them. I have no idea if they were caused by the stress I put myself under while in school, but ever since I left college, I have 'mellowed out', as Akaashi likes to say. He was usually the one to pull me from the darkness. He was very good at it.
Hopefully, he never has to take on that responsibility again. I really hope I'm healed now, because I don't want to just give him a break for the mood swings to come back stronger than before. I really hope I'm healed.
I think the fact that my mood swings are gone has been affecting other people, though.
Kuroo, my best friend, is always asking me how I'm doing or how I'm holding up. I think he's always waiting for me to fall again. Not because he wants me to, don't get me wrong! He's just always been very protective, and he was always there to pull me up when Akaashi couldn't. I think that's why he's always making sure I'm okay. I really hope –for his sake, too– that I'm healed.
My parents are just weird about the whole situation. That's probably because they were there when the mood swings started when I was little, and are totally distrusting of the fact that they're gone now. They keep dancing around me every time I go to visit and look absolutely clueless as to what they can do or say. They probably just want me to stay happy as I am. I really hope I'm healed.
The only one that has taken this new development in stride is Akaashi. We live together, and he's always there for me even though I don't need him like that anymore. We can really enjoy ourselves now. There's nothing holding us back.
Our apartment is like our safe haven. We hardly ever leave it. I mean, yes, I work and Akaashi goes to college still, but when we're both at home, we make the most of it.
Akaashi keeps bringing this place up, though. There's a place he wants to go to. He says it's very far away and that if we go, we can't see our friends anymore. We're not exactly swimming in money, so I guess it's true if the place is too far away.
It confuses me sometimes. He says we can be really happy there. But I'm really happy here, too. And I can see my friends.
It's been really hard to see them lately. Of course, they have their things going on, but also I really want everyone to stop tip-toeing around my feelings. I want people to stop asking me how I am or how I'm holding up or how I'm doing. Are those questions normally thrown around like that? I think people worried less about me when I had the mood swings. And that's a very weird thought to have. Friends usually don't want you to be sad or down, do they?
I'm starting to see them less and less. Kuroo and Kenma, Kuroo's boyfriend, are really the only ones that still try. Kenma is all about texting and sending me cat pictures and cute videos. I really appreciate that. Kuroo just really wants to see me.
He wants to come by our place one day and I tell him that I can't because I'm painting the kitchen walls and it reeks of paint and turpentine. Then I get extremely guilty about lying to him and go buy paint and turpentine and begin painting our kitchen walls. Akaashi just chuckles.
I ask Akaashi once why he doesn't want to see Kuroo and Kenma anymore. We used to hang out all the time, back when I still had my mood swings. Always the four of us. He doesn't reply, just keeps on reading his book. I decide to drop it. I'll ask him some other time. Kuroo and Kenma don't ask about Akaashi either, so I should probably just let them be.
I see Kuroo after ten weeks of not being able to meet with him. Or me just making up excuses not to. He always seemed to be available, which was weird, since he was a very busy person. We have a fight. A really big one. He seems to think I'm not being myself. I am being myself. He says I haven't processed things through, that it's been over two years since it happened and that I should really get professional help. I don't understand what I need to process. The mood swings are gone, and I didn't want them in the first place. He says that's not what he means. I don't really care anymore about what he meant in the first place. So, I leave.
Akaashi is home when I enter and he asks me what's up. I say that I'm done. I want people to stop doing that weird dance around me or accusing me of not doing what I should be doing when all I do is hope I'm finally healed. I tell him that I don't think anyone is going to change their minds or their attitude towards me. I say that I want to go to this place where we'll be happy. I just want to be completely happy. And as long as I'm with Akaashi, I'll be fine.
He smiles and asks me if I'm sure. He reminds me that I won't be able to see anyone anymore. This place is very far away. I tell him that being here and feeling and seeing their discomfort when they're around me, like I'm going to break any second, is not making me happy and that I want to be happy. And as long as I'm with him, I will be fine.
He tells me to trust him and brings me the pills. They will take us to the happy place, he promises. He's going to help me.
My eyelids feel heavy after a few pills. I keep taking them. I'd trust Akaashi with my life.
I tell him I need to stop for a few seconds. I want to say goodbye to Kuroo. I don't want him to feel guilty about our disagreement. I am very happy for everything he and Kenma have done for me and I will never forget it. He will always be my best friend no matter what. I just can't see him anymore. And I can't take the way everyone acts around me. I'm not weak. I don't need people to tip-toe their way around me so I'm not hurt. I would want to feel something other than that. It doesn't feel good. So I'm leaving with Akaashi and I'm not coming back. And I'm sorry I have to leave him and Kenma behind. And I love them.
I put all of that in a text and hit send. Then I keep taking the pills. I tell Akaashi that I love him. He says it back.
And then I fall asleep.