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My ImMormon

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AN: Special praise christ (bc im mormon) 2 my best friend arnold 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Heavenly father ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! JESUS ROX!

hi my name is elder kevin price and i have short blonde hair that is precise and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and people tell me i look like joseph smith (an: if u don't know who he is get da heck out of here!) I'm not related to thomas monson but i wish i was because he was a super mormon. im a mormon and i proselytise at a village in uganda now that I'm 19. im a missionary (in case you couldn't tell) and wear temple garments with my uniform. today my shirt was clean and pressed and i also wore black pants, black shoes, and a black tie. i was walking around the village. it was sunny and hot so there was no rain which i was very happy about. a lot of ugandans stared at me. i held up my book of mormon at them.

"hey elder!" shouted a voice. i looked up. it was... elder mckinley!

“What’s up elder?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

But then, I heard the elders call me and I had to go away.

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me praise christ!

 

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AN: praise christ 2 arnold 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW sinners stop flaming ma story ok!

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was sunny and hot again. I got out of bed. The windows were shut to protect against the scorpions. And the mosquitos. And the lions. And the murderers, and the robbers, and the AIDS, and the snakes, and the safari ants which can actually plant their eggs underneath your skin and eat you from the inside out. I was only wearing my temple garments. I put on my white shirt, my black tie, my black pants, and my black shoes. My friend, Elder Cunningham (AN: Arnold dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. He put on his white shirt, black tie, black pants, and black shoes.

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Elder McKinley yesterday!” he said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

“Do you like Connor?” he asked as we went out of our bedroom to the kitchen with the other mormons.

“No I so freaking don’t!” I shouted.

“Yeah right!” he exclaimed. Just then, Elder McKinley walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

“Guess what.” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, The mission president is having a sermon in the village.” he told me.

“Oh. Em. Gosh!” I screamed. I love the mission president.

“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped.  

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AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY SINNERS OK! odderwize praise christ 2 da mormon ppl 4 da good reveiws! PRIASE CHRIST AGEN ARNOLD! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da prayers

On the night of the concert I put on my white shirt and black pants. Underneath them were my temple garments. Then I put on my black tie and black shoes. I put on my name tag. I combed my hair. I felt a little depressed then, so I prayed to heavenly father. I was ready to go to the sermon.

I went outside. Elder McKinley was waiting there in front of his car. He was wearing a white shirt, black tie, black pants, and black shoes. He also had a bright pink vest (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!) .

“Hi Elder McKinley!” I said in a mormon voice.

“Hi Elder Price.” he said back. We walked into his black Mormon-Benz (the license plate said jchrist) and drove to the church with the sermon. On the way we listened excitedly to prayers. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the pews at the front of the church and thought about heavenly father as we listened to prayers.

“The mission president is so freaking hot.” I said to Elder McKinley, pointing to him as he sung a hymn, filling the church with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Elder McKinley looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we sang hymns. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

“Really?” asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know the mission president.”

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Elder McKinley. After the sermon,  we asked the mission president to sign our book of mormon’s. We got “I Love Jesus” tees. Elder McKinley and I crawled back into the car, but Draco didn’t go back into the mission hut, instead he drove the car into……………………… the village!

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AN: I sed stup flaming ok kevin’s name is KEVIN nut mary su OK! CONNOR IS SOO IN LUV wif him dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

“CONNOR!” I shouted. “What the heck do you think you are doing?”

Elder McKinley didn’t answer but he stopped the car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

“What the freaking heck?” I asked angrily.

“Elder Price?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

Elder McKinley leaned in extra-close and I looked into his mormon blue eyes which revealed so much depressing sorrow and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

And then…………… suddenly just as I Elder Mckinley kissed me passionately. Elder McKinley climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my temple garments. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was…………………………………………………….Jesus Christ!

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AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a sinner! Da only reson jesus swor is coz he had an hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

Jesus made and Elder McKinley and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

“You’re a dick!” he shouted.

I started to cry tears down my pallid face. Elder McKinley comforted me. When we went back to the castle Jesus took us to Mormon and Moroni who were both looking very angry.

“They were having sexual intercourse in the village!” he yelled in a furious voice.

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked the angel Moroni.

“How dare you?” demanded Mormon.

And then Elder McKinley shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!”

Everyone was quiet. Jesus and Mormon still looked mad but the angel Moroni said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.”

Elder McKinley and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

“Are you okay, Elder?” Elder McKinley asked me gently.

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to my bedroom and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into my temple garments. When I came out….

Draco was praying about me to Heavenly Father. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

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AN: shjt up sinners ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. I put on my white shirt, black tie, name bag, black pants, and black shoes. In the mission hut, I ate some poptarts. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the poptarts spilled over my top.

“What the heck!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a mormon boy with light blonde hair.

He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a mormon so I didn’t get one you sicko.

“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

“My name’s Elder Thomas although most people call me Poptarts these days.” he grumbled.

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I love em so much.” he giggled.

“Well, I like poptarts too.” I confessed.

“Really?” he whimpered.

“Yeah.” I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Elder McKinley came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

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AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Kevin isn’t a Marie Sue ok he isn’t perfect HE ONCE AT A DONUT! n he has problemz hes depressed 4 godz sake!

Elder McKinley and I held our pale white hands as we went upstairs. I was wearing my black tie (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). I waved to Poptarts. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Elder McKinley. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Elder McKinley. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…………

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my shirt. Then I took off my temple garments and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

“Oh Elder, Elder!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Elder’s arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in jesusy writing were the words………… Poptarts!

I was so angry.

“You sinner!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Elder McKinley pleaded. But I knew too much.

“No, you freaking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Elder McKinley ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Poptart’s bedroom where he was with Elder Church and some other elders

“POPTARTS THOMAS, YOU DICK!” I yelled.

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AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a sinner!

They stared at me and then Elder McKinley came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

“Elder Price, it’s not what you think!” Elder McKinley screamed sadly.

My friend Nabulungi smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long curly black hair and opened her brown eyes. She had dark skin like a latte. Nabulungi was kidnapped when she was born . Her real parents are mormons.

“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Elder Thomas demeaned angrily but I ignored him.

“Poptarts, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Elder McKinley!” I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.

I don’t know why Elder Price was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I’m gay and so is Kevin) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Elder Thomas. We were just mission companions now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was mormon. (Haha, like I would hang out with a sinner.)

“But I’m not going out with Elder McKinley anymore!” said Poptarts.

“Yeah hecking right! heck off, you butthole!” I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the village where I had lost my virility to Elder McKinley and then I started to bust into tears.

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AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da book! dis is frum da musical ok so itz nut my folt if jesus swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! JESUS ROX!

I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Elder McKinley for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Connor.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with a gun and an eyepatch everything started flying towards me! He was wearing camo and shorts and it was obvious he wasn’t mormon. It was…… general butt effing naked!

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then he shot at me and I couldn’t run away.

“I BELIEVEEEE!” I sang at him. He fell down and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a mormon so I stopped.

“Elder Price.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Poptarts!”

I thought about Poptarts and his sexah eyes and his short blonde hair and how his face looks just like Joseph Smith. I remembered that Elder McKinley had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Elder McKinley went out with Poptarts before I went out with him and they broke up?

“No, General Butt effing naked!” I shouted back.

General Butt Effing Naked gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.

“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Connor!”

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

General Butt Effing Naked got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. “I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly. “And if you doth not kill Poptarts, then thou know what will happen to Connor!” he shouted. Then he ran angrily away.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Elder McKinley came into the woods.

“Elder!” I said. “Hi!”

“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing his sequinned pink vest. “Are you okay?” I asked.

“No.” he answered.

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.

“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back into the mission hut together making out.

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AN: stup it u stupid sinnerz if u donut like ma story den fukk off! ps it turns out nabulungi haz been baptised all n she n poptarts r mormon ok!

I was really scared about General Butt Effing Naked all day. I was even upset went to baptise  some new mormons. I am the best mormon even though some people say Arnold is. The other people with us were Nabulungi, Poptarts, Elder McKinley, Gotswana (although he has maggots in his scrotum) and Mafala. Only today Poptarts and Elder McKinley were sad so they weren’t coming. I knew Elder McKinley was probably turning it off and Poptarts was probably eating pop tarts. I put on my black tie. You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not.

We were baptising and at the end I suddenly bust into tears.

“Elder Price! Are you OK?” Nabulungi asked in a concerted voice.

“What the heck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, General Butt Effing Naked came and he told me to hecking kill Poptarts! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he is Elder McKinley’s mission companion. But if I don’t kill Poptarts, then General Butt Effing Naked, will fucking kill Elder McKinley!” I burst into tears. Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.

“Why didn’t you hecking tell me!” he shouted. “That is bullpoop elder!” (c is dat out of character?)

I started to cry and cry. Elder McKinley started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Jesus walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache.

“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) “Kevin Connor has been found in his room. He turned it off… forever.”

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AN: i sed stup flaming up sinnerz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend arnold 4 hleping me!

“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorfied! Nabulungi tried to comfort me but I told her heck off and I ran to my room crying myself. Jesus chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.

Anyway, I started crying tears and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a hymn at full volume. I grabbed a steak knife and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. I was so hecking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on my temple garments. I put on my missionary uniform. I couldn’t hecking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… a demon was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And a devil was masticating to it!

“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!” I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Jesus on it. Suddenly Poptarts ran in.

“Praise Christ” he yelled at the demon pointing his cross. I took my gun and shot the devil and the demon a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Jesus ran in. “Kevin, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he shouted looking at the demon and then he waved his hand and suddenly…

Mafala ran outside and said everyone we need to talk.

“What do you know, Mafala? You’re just a little Ugandan!”

“I MAY BE A UGANDAN.” Mafala paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A MORMON!”

“This cannot be.” the devil said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Jesus had shot him. “There must be other factors.”

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.

The Demon held up the camera triumelephantly. “The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!”

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not pray to christ enough

“Why are you doing this?” the devil said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to baptise him

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Mafala said and he paused in the air dramitaclly.

“Because you’re mormon?” Devil asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Heavenly Father.

“Because I LOVE HIM!”

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“NO!” I THOUGHT IT WAS Mafala but it was Poptarts. He started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY POPTARTS HURT!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

“I had a vision of what was happening to Elder McKinley…………….Elder Butt Effing Naked has him bondage!”

Anyway I was in the Gotswana’s office now recovering from General Butt Effing Naked’s attack. Devil was there too. he was going bak to hell after he recovered cause he was evil and you can’t have those fucking sinners in a village with lots of hot elders. Jesus had constipated the cideo camera he took of me naked. I held up my book of mormon at him.

Anyway Mafala came into my hospital bed holding a box of donuts with a maple glaze.

“Kevin I need to tell u somethnig.” he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the donuts.

“heck off.” I told him. “You know I hecking hate maple glaze anyway, and I don’t like sinners like you.” I snapped. Mafala had been mean to me before for being mormon.

“No Kevin.” Mafala says. “Those are not donuts.”

“What are they you sinner?” I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

“I saved your life!” He yelled angrily. “No you didn’t I replied.” “You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by the Devil.” Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.

“Whatever!” I yelled angirly.

He pointed at the donuts. “These aren’t donuts.” He suddenly looked at them with a religious look in his eye and muttered praise christ .

Then he screamed. “Orrrrlando orlando i love u orlando”

And then the donuts turned into mickey ears in the middle of the air. Now I knew he was a mormon.

“OK I believe you now wtf is Elder McKinley?”

Mafala rolled his eyes. I looked into the mickey ears but I could c nothing.

“U c, Elder,” Jesus said, watching the two of us watching the ears. “2 c wht iz n da mickey, u mst find urslf 1st, k?”

“I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!” Mafala yelled. Jesus lookd shockd. I guess he didn’t have a headache or else he would have said something back.

Mafala stormed off back into his bed. “U r a liar, Jesus!”

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a my missionary uniform. I cut my hair all precise and combed it so so I looked like Brigham Young (if u don’t know who he iz ur a sinner so heck off!)

“You look kawai.” Nabulungi said sadly. “Oh em gosh you do too.” I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I went to the mission hut. Poptarts was in their. He looked all depressed because Elder McKinley had disappeared and he was his mission companion. He was eating poptarts.

“Hi.” he said in a depressed way. “Hi back.” I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Poptarts had beautiful mormon eyes so much like Elder McKinleys. Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” shouted the angel Moroni who was watching us and so was everyone else.

“Poptarts!” I said slapping him. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Elder McKinley!” I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

“I had a vision of what was happening to Elder McKinley…………….General Butt Effing Naked has him bondage!”


 

SPECIAL PRAISE CHRIST 2 ARNOLD MY BEST FRIEND WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111

HEY ARNOLD DO U KNOW WHERE MY SHIRT I