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Havana Honeymoon

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"We're finally married! Can you believe it, Susan? Finally married and starting our honeymoon!"

The woman in question smiled happily and then abruptly frowned. "We SHOULD have been married almost three months ago. Why you wanted to get yourself thrown in jail on our wedding day, I'll never know!"

"Susan! You know perfectly well-"

"I mean, I can understand why you wanted to get locked up when you were supposed to marry Ms. Swallow, but me?!?"

"Now listen here! The only reason, the only reason I was arrested was because you wanted me to-"

"And then there was that horrid little man who cancelled on us last month..."

"You really can't blame Reverend Peabody for that," David said reasonably. "I'm sure he didn't do his career much good when he broke the Bishop's nose."

"But it was all such a silly misunderstanding," Susan protested hotly. "And I gave him more than enough money to repair his church and-"

"I don't know," David muttered dubiously. "That was quite an explosion..."

"--AND the steeple bell I bought him was much nicer than his old one. It was just plain ungrateful of him not to marry us over such a petty grudge." Susan smiled beatifically and David felt his heart turn over. "But anyway, let's not dwell on that. We're married now and that's what matters."

"That's not the only thing that matters. How about the fact that we'll soon be over the Atlantic Ocean? It's a long way down, should anything happen to our plane."

Susan looked at him in surprise. "Don't tell me you're nervous?"

David shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "I've never been on a plane before; couldn't afford it."

"But now you've married me and have lots and lots of money for traveling. Isn't that nice?"

"That isn't why I married you!" David protested hotly.

"Of course it isn't," Susan responded serenely. "You married me because you’re hopelessly in love with me. But I also happen to have a great deal of money and now you do too. You'll like having lots and lots of money. I can't imagine being without it."

"Gee whiz, Susan! I wish you wouldn't go on like this," he pleaded. "Why, I bet you've driven dozens of people to Bolshevism, talking like that."

"One or two," Susan conceded with a grin. "But I wouldn't worry about it for a while. Havana is the most worldly, least-likely-to-turn Red, sort of place you can imagine."

"Then why on earth did you pick it?" David demanded.

"Because I know of the most wonderful hotel there, with every convenience you can imagine. We should be able to go the entire week without ever leaving our room. Just you, me, and that book Mark gave you when he thought I wasn't looking."

David turned a deep red, causing Susan to give him a quick peck on the cheek. David grinned and then leaned into the aisle to check whether any of the other passengers were observing them. Seeing no one, he held up a newspaper to shield them and leaned over for a lingering kiss.

When the newspaper slipped out of his hands, he was far too distracted to notice. Someone did, however, for Susan suddenly hit her leg very hard while simultaneously brushing his cheek. Before he could ask her why she'd done that, she pushed him away and began yelling. "Masher! Just what kind of girl do you think I am, anyway?"

"Susan, I-"

"You ought to be ashamed of yourself, young man!"

"Yeah, she's pretty swell, but anyone can see she ain't that type of girl. You wait 'til we get to Havana, Mister. I'll show ya a tree you CAN bark at."

"Sir! We do not permit that type of behavior on our airlines!"

"Why, if I were just a few years younger, I'd give you the thrashing you deserve!"

Confused by the cacophony, David looked up to see the aisle filled with a crowd of hostile onlookers. A scandalized, middle-aged couple, a severe looking young woman in a stewardess's uniform, and a rakish young man were all staring at him with particular interest. "Now see here. You can't think-"

"You can't think what it's been like," Susan interrupted, "sitting next to this Lothario! He's been chatting me up from the moment I got on this plane, just biding his time, until... WHAMMO!"

She illustrated the last word by bringing her hands together forcefully. The middle-aged woman gasped at that, but not as loudly as David. "Susan! What are you-"

"Look at that! Look how familiar he is!" She turned towards David and winked at him. "That's Mrs. Huxley to you, bub!"

This was too much for the woman. "A married woman! You were forcing your unwanted attentions on a married woman? How disgusting!"

"No!" David yelped. "I mean, yes, I was giving my attentions to this married woman, but I wasn't forcing them and they aren't unwanted. At least I don't think they are..."

Ignoring him, the woman turned towards the stewardess. "Isn't there anything you can do? I don't feel safe with this man on board!"

Susan snorted. "Oh, believe me, lady. You're safe."

David turned to glare at her and she winked at him again. Enraged, he turned back to the middle-aged woman. "Now see here-" he began hotly.

The stewardess overrode him with cool efficiency. "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to report this, sir. May I have your name?"


The entire crowd turned towards Susan in confusion. It was the stewardess who asked the question for all of them. "Excuse me, Miss. Did you say that his name was Huxley?"

"Yes, that's right. Dr. David Huxley."

"But isn't your name Mrs. Huxley?"

Susan held up David's left hand with her own, clearly showing off their matching rings, and burst into loud peals of laughter. "Your face, David! Oh, all your faces! That was too good! Too, too good!"

Most of the crowd dispersed in disgust, but the rakish young man lingered. "Say! That's some honey you got there!"

"You want her, you can have her," David muttered.

"Aw, don't kid me; I'll bet you're crazy about her."

"I'm crazy, all right!"

"Looks, class, likes to pet, AND a sense of humor. You don't find dames like that everyday, you know." He turned towards Susan. "He don't treat ya right, honey, you look me up. Everyone on the island knows where to find Nick the Nipper."

David looked up as if he'd been stung. "The Nipper!"

"I'll keep it in mind, Nick" Susan assured him. "I'll also keep you in mind if I ever acquire a sister."

"You got one now?" he asked eagerly.


"Ah well," Nick said philosophically. "Knew I hadn't done nothing to deserve a broad like you." He tapped David on the arm. "How'd you hook her?"

"I wish I knew," David breathed earnestly. "I wish I knew."

After Nick wandered away, David turned towards Susan to lecture her, but didn't get any further than raising a finger before her apology flooded over him. "Oh, David! I'm so sorry! I know that was a rotten thing to do to you, but I just couldn't think of what else to do!"

"You... didn't..."

"You were kissing me-and a very nice kiss it was too! I can't wait to get a whole lot more, just like that one!"

"Yes, well..."

"Anyway, you were kissing me and then I heard a 'humph-hm' sound, and I thought it sounded just like Mrs. Kettlewell, a horrible old bat that knows my Aunt Elizabeth. I could just see Mrs. Kettlewell telling Aunt Elizabeth that she'd seen me kissing some man in a public place the next time they played bridge together, and oh David! You can't imagine how awful that would be! Aunt Elizabeth would be so angry to hear that I'd embarrassed her that she'd take my money away and then we wouldn't be able to afford to go nice places like Havana and I do so want to go nice places with you because I like being with you so very much."

David raised a finger again and tried to speak, but Susan rushed over him. "Anyway, I thought that it sounded like Mrs. Kettlewell so I decided to pretend that I didn't know you, only it wasn't Mrs. Kettlewell, just some old biddy that sounded like her, but by that time I'd already called you a masher and it all just sort of... snowballed."

A male finger bravely rose up once more. "I-"

"And I know you're angry with me," Susan continued. "But don't be! Please don't be! It's our honeymoon and I wanted everything to be perfect but I've ruined it all but I didn't mean it and I just love you so much and-"

David finally gave up on finger-wagging and silenced her with a kiss instead. She struggled to speak for a moment, but soon melted into him.

"Oh, David," Susan sighed and snuggled closer. A moment later, however, she bolted upright with an alarmed, "Oh, David! Your newspaper!"

"What about it?"

"You haven't got it! Everyone can see us!"

"That's okay," David told her. "I'm a masher, remember? That's what we mashers do."

"So it is," Susan purred. "I do so like being married to a wolf."

"And I do so like being married to you, Susan Huxley."

"Do you?" she asked anxiously. Seeing his open smile, she relaxed and asked, "So, what did you do to deserve a broad like me?"

"I wish I knew," David replied honestly. "Whatever it was, I'd do it again, a thousand times over."


"Really," he assured her.

"Even though I embarrass you sometimes? Never on purpose, or well, not USUALLY on purpose, but still…"

"That doesn’t matter to me at all." He thought for a moment. “Or, not much, at any rate.”

"And you still like being married to me even though I got you arrested, and made your mother think you were an escaped criminal, and accidentally cut off all power within two city blocks of your museum, and got you evicted from your apartment?"

"Because of all those things. I have fun with you!"

"And even though I broke your brontosaurus?"

"Don't push it," he warned before kissing her again.


Orchestra swells and curtain falls