Chapter 1: waking up
So the little infant fell into a deep sleep, Among the grey ashes in the flames shining, First one, then another, What rise and grow are my beloved profiles, What trickle down to earth are the thousands of , dreams, dreams, On the night when silver eyes were trembling, the shining you was born, Across millions of years ,the prayers have already returned back to the earth, I will never cease to pray, oh please show this child what love is, Please give a kiss to his hands you hold.
So as the boy feel to sleep, among the gray ashes in the flaming shining, first one, then two, surfaces numerous of your faces, to earth pour thousands of , dreams, dreams, on the night when the silver eyes were trembling, the shining you was born, across millions of years, the prayers have already returned back to earth, I will never cease to pray, oh please show this child what love is, please give a kiss to his hands you hold, I will never cease to pray, oh please show this child what love is, oh please give a kiss to his hands you hold.
Soshite bouya wa nemuri ni tsutia, ikizuku hai no naka no honoo, futatsu to, ukabu fukurami itoshii yokagao daichi ni taruru ikusen no, yume, yume, gin no hitomi no yuragu yori ni, umare ochita kagayaku omae, ikuoku no toshitsuki ga, ikustu inori wo tsuchi e kaesshite mo, watashi wa inori tsuzukeru, douka kono ka ni ai wo, tsunaida te ni kisu wo.
Soshite bouya wa nemuri ni tsuite, ikizuku hai no naka no honoo, hitotsu, futatsu to, ukabu fukumari itoshii yokagao daichi ni taruru ikusen so, yume, yume, gin no hitomi no yuragu yoru ni, umare ochita kagayaku omae, ikuoku no toshitsuki ga, ikustu inori wo tsuchi e kaesshite mo, watashi wa inori tsuzukeru, douka kono ka ni ai wo, tsunaida te ni kisu wo, watashi wa inori tsuzukeru, douka kono ni ai wo, tsunaida te ni kisu wo.
Dark. Everything started out with darkness and cold. Every inch of self-felt numb, from inside to out. Fingers and toes, leg and arms, nose to ears, from heart to soul. The first part to thaw, in a way, was my mind. Slowly I started to process more than darkness. Slowly bright spots started to color my vision. Fuzzily, colors started to overtake the dark and form shapes. Sound came back in a buzz. Clearing into a whispering wind, crackling fires, and a few tweeting birds. The complete numbness turned into a slighter cold/burning numb until it was only the tips of my toes, finger, nose, and ears that still felt nothing. With the physical body gaining feeling, remembering, self-started to return as well. Gender, age, looks, memories were back, but didn’t make sense with what was in front of or around me. Snow. The first clear sight to register was the failing snow. Then the bare trees and frost covered ground of a field. So big, the moon is so big, peaking from the cloudy sky. Shivers started to rack my body. Looking down, shock encompassed me as a strand a auburn-red fell across my eyes.
‘why? Why am a so close to the ground? I’m sitting on my knees, sure, but I know I’m not leaning that far forward.’
The strand of hair caught my attention next, trembling, my right hand rose to grasp it.
‘My hair isn’t red. IT ISN’T RED! WHY IS MY HAIR RED!’ Gasp.
In that same moment, the fact that my left hand wouldn’t move, that my left arm felt still and still slightly numb came to attention next.
‘My hands, they’re not that small. My left hand!’ whimpering tears started to trickle down cold cheeks.
There was a glove covering my stiff left hand. Yanking it off I froze.
‘Why is it red, why does it look so grotesque!’ Scrambling, I yanked the shoulder sleeve of the ratty clothes I wore down, seeing that the red and venous deformity of my left hand extended from black finger tips to right at the start of my shoulder.
‘what happened to me? The last thing I remember doing was… was… DAMN IT I CAN’T REMEMBER!’ Quickly standing with a slight stumble I turned away from the view of a partial meadow and the trees that led to a forest in front of it. The sun had begun to rise from behind me, lighting the sky as the snow tricked to an end and clouds covered the sky in a grey sheet.
‘A late 19th century English town? A circus, what am I doing here?’
A loud rough voice shouted “RED-ARM, GET OVER HERE! STOP LAZYING AROUND AND CLEAN THE ANIMALS MESS BEFORE I GO OVER THERE AND GIVE YOU A REASON TO NOT MOVE!” A man dressed like a ring master looked to be shouting at me. Letting my…the body…my body move on auto pilot, I moved toward where the man had pointed me towards. Grabbing a shovel on the ground as I went.
‘Just go with the flow, do as your directed or what feels right, don’t think. You can think about what it all means later. All you can do right now is trying to survive and stay as safe as you can. Listen to what’s going on around you and when the day starts to end, then think of all of it and how it fits what you observed.’ With a nod to myself, I got to work.
Later, the sun had set again, and the moon was starting to clear a quarter of the sky. I found a corner near the animals that had a heater, along with a small thin blanket thrown over some straw hay that was apparently my area. There was also a small bag filled with a spare change of clothes, what seemed to be a wash rag, a spare glove for my hand, and a smaller bag with some coins and bits of food.
After looking though, the things I finally sat and pulled out a small pocket mirror I pick-pocketed from a lady that was attending the circus with skills I didn’t have before. In the mirror a five or six-year-old stared back. Red hair, nearly as red as the arm, as red as dried/drying blood. Silver eyes that seemed to have slight specs of metallic purple, if looked at closely enough. Skin pale, but covered in dirt and bruises. Slightly gaunt look to the cheeks, likely from not eating enough, aging the face some.
‘Malnourishment can cause a child to look older than their supposed to be, so I guess I’d be about four or five then. I’ve been called Red by everyone in the circus, the century is close to late 19th century, and I have a deformed left arm’ The details I learned ticked a memory, one that was slightly vague but with enough detail to grasp.
‘D. Gray-Man… Red, Alen, Allen Walker… Allen had a left arm, deformed from his innocence for as long as he could remember… He had red hair before it changed to white and he gained his scar… he was at the circus before he met Mana and traveled with him when he was about seven on Christmas day…. ‘Struggling to recall faded memories, my right hand dug into my hair twisting and pulling with frustration while my teeth gnawed at my lip.
‘OH HELL NO! I am not! I Can’t be! There’s no way I can even live up to! FUCK! Okay, Okay I can do something at least. What do I know for sure‘. My eyes teared with frustration as a headache built.
‘The earl is actually Mana. Mana and Neah are twins born from the original Earl splitting. Mana went crazy sometime after their Mother Katerina died/killed. Mana killed Neah for some reason. Neah destroyed all Noah aside from Road and Mana before losing. Either past Allen or Cross did something that allowed Neah live by having a host for his memories. SOME how 35 years later Red/Alen/Allen came to existence, no memories of his past from before being in the circus that he was sold to. Mana was running from the earl and looking for Neah though he apparently knows that he was 17 but woke up with an older face.’ Calming down with each remembered tidbit, I allowed myself a deep breath as my hand fell to my side and my eyes grew more vacant as I recalled all I could.
‘Let’s see what else. Mana and Red met after Dog Allen died who Red kind of became friends with because another clown was jealous of Mana who beat Dog Allen to death. The same night, I think, Red was thrown in a lion cage and blamed for Allen’s death, um, he beat Mana on the head really bad in anger when Mana got in the way of him attacking the clown. Timcanpy ate through the cage saving Red in time, Cross nearly killed him if not for Tim and told him it was his fault and to disappear. Red felt worried for Mana found the circus empty cause the Earl and Akuma apparently came and killed all except him and Mana. Found Mana even more messed up in the head and still bloody, blamed himself and promised to remind him of his promise, got called Allen and they traveled together for three years.’
There is so much to know. The only reason I recalled the first part was so clearly was because how many times I reread the Reverse series on Allen and Mana’s meeting. There is still so much, I need to recall/write it down somewhere in short hand and with different names that others can’t recognize. Maybe like a children’s story. I can make them animals, just green fur for exorcist, grey for Noah, lighter colors for humans, and darker ones for Akuma. I’ll use the main traits they have as their names. That’ll work, hopefully.
While I had a slight plan, something to focus on, a way to not really think on what was happening, everyday was like a haze of auto pilot. If asked, I wouldn’t be able to remember what happened for the first few days besides a hazy image of a grotesque clown hitting me now and then and chores.
It was thankfully easy due to muscle memory of the body that I would have to accept as mine. Though truthfully, I was treating it like a dream to go with the flow and not really letting things sink in. I formed vague plans to make sure I had a way to remember everything I could before my memories became more faded.
Within a few days I stole a journal.
I had to wait for a fancy guy who had just gone to a stationary store and nab it off him while walking past. Luckily it had charcoal pencils, ink and quill pens to write with as well. Though I needed to lay low for a while, hiding it under the animal’s hay for a few days before using it in a different town when the circus moved.
Police/constables had been trying to look for any one suspicious who might have stolen the stuff.
It was the next town that I was able to write down the first part of Red/Alen/Allen’s life and spare parts I remembered. It was time to jot down the rest too, then find a way to reword it into a children’s story with animals. After that I would have to burn this book, steal/buy a better one that I could write the official version down in.
Sitting by the lion cage, that no one wanted to go near unless they were the tamer, or it was for the show…or unless it was someone ordered to feed and clean their pin, i.e. ME. It had been nearly a week since waking up in this world and body, and it was time to document all I could. First with the beginning that I could recall.
Even without short hand it would probably be hard to read, as this-my new/current body wrote like a kid who never touched a pen to paper before. Though there was truth to that statement it was still frustrating to see my writing go from passable legibility to hardly any legibility. Still there were some benefits as long as I could read it when translating later, I would be better by the time I finished at least.
‘So, next was, Mana was run over by a carriage sometime during winter, probably December, and died. On Christmas eve, at Mana’s grave the Earl came, Allen summand Mana, got his cursed eye, arm activated, killed Mana, Allen went catatonic, was found by Cross on Christmas morning, right as the eve ended…. then there was three months before Allen was better and he and Cross traveled together.
Though he was only his apprentice for three years, and the series didn’t start till he was around fifteen, which means he was twelveish when they started his official training with Cross to fight Akuma… Cross abandon him in India to find the Order at fifteen, it took 3 months to get there, dealing with Akuma along the way. Tim with him.
His curse scar nearly got him mistaken for Akuma. Met Kanda and Lena Lee and others. Found out a prophesy on his innocence/him was to be a great destroyer of time. Synchro rate was amazing high at 80 something percent. Learned parasite types normally have shorter lives compared to weapon and equipment types. Though the other two can become crystal type which is more unknown. … What else…
There was Mater in Italy I think, with Kanda, and innocence in a doll named Lala and the human she cared for. Saving both so they could keep their promise to die together. …Next was the first meeting with the earl. Don’t remember anything else in that beside the fact the earl seems to subconsciously let Allen live…Then there is rewinding town with Road the dream noah and Miranda and Allen’s left eye being stabbed, meet Lavi a bookman apprentice … two arcs I don’t know from the anime follow…then in Germany the vampire castle with Krory and the flower plant that leaves you alone if you love it and
Allen’s left eye evolving and healing.
Then meeting Tyki, the pleasure Noah’s human form, on the train playing poker, something about a general being killed and missions happening...the order in crisis for some reason and Lulu Bell the lust noah attacking…then there is traveling though china and Suman dark becoming a fallen. Allen trying to save him and failing in the end. …Tyki in noah form using his phasing power to grab Allen’s heart, only let’s go because it calms down, Allen sends Tim away with Suman’s innocence.
Allen gets his arm destroyed and a tease butterfly eats a hole in his heart. Left for dead, found by guardian of Asian branch…. Found to be kept alive due to his innocence patching up the hole till it could heal. Finds a way to connect with his innocence in time to fight a level 3 Akuma and save everyone, level up arm to crown clown with over 125% sync, uses the arc to go to japan… fights there against noah’s and the earl to save Lena lee who might be the heart and others.
Get sucked into the arc by being near Lena lee, go through doors road made when you prob could have just gone straight to the center where she and Tyki waited. Meet Skin the rage noah, the twins the bond noah.
Allen arrives at a table, fight Tyki, cut him with exorcist sword causing the noah’s memories to awaken while injuring the noah inside. Get saved by Cross whose half mask had become full skull mask.
Um. Tim lead Allen to the 14th piano room, plays the melody that he learned with Mana that Tim had, that the 14th memory awakening knows.
Wishes for everyone to be save while playing, resorting the arc and everyone in it. It’s discovered he is connected to the 14th, the earl thought he was just a player of the 14th and Cross stole the akuma egg plant that births akuma.
Return to Asian branch, Lena keeps cross from leaving. They study the arc…there is the invasion at the order. The order Levier Hitler like guy gives Allen a stalker, two spot on fore head guy. Oh, Howard Link, due to his connection to the 14th, can’t be anywhere near cross because they could conspire according to the order who see Allen as a traitor and are still trying to use him.
Lulu bell shape shifts into the American branch head, seals off the room with the egg, lets in level 4s, the arc is sealed off from Allen’s use. Allen fights level 4s, Miranda helps slow the egg from being taken and Allen cuts and shatters it with his sword.
Lot of science guys die, One, Johnny, becomes hero loyal to Allen for saving them from the 4s. Allen nearly dies from a hidden level 4. His innocence moves his body while he is unconscious, to deal with the 4.
End up in Hevlaska’s chamber, Lena helps, Allen wakes up to move himself, Kanda and Lavi help him with his sword, Lena levels up to crystal innocence and helps Allen drive in the sword beating the 4.
… The disappearance of Cross. Cross is killed maybe by Apocryphos (a sentient innocence) who is pretending to be a Decan or something and who cut the connection between Cross and his innocence Judgment gun, but he might still have Grave of Maria. …next might be Phantom thief kid from Paris, maybe.
Allen’s eye is sealed and the arc use in this one, finds a kid in an orphanage with a jewel in his forehead that is an innocence. Sealed in the building because human Sister that works there sold them out to the Earl. Have to fight a level 4 and a few level 3s. Allen controls his sword to rise and stab through the 4 from behind, piercing himself to, waking Neah inside him to say Good Morning to the earl through the akuma, causing the Earl to realize he is the 14th not a player. Kanda realizes but keeps quiet. The kid Timothy joins the order.
…Artificial exorcist able to absorb Akuma and use magic. Get killed by Noah when on a mission, Allen gets sent to American branch where Earl is attaching along with Road, Shrilly noah of desire with strings that control movements and Wisely the noah of memories and Tyki…Alma Karma who is connected to Kanda, Road and Wisely make Kanda and Allen by proximity go into memories of Kanda and Alma’s past as second exorcist, Alma who is supposed to be dead was fused with parts of the egg and is the Mother or womb for the 3rd exorcist.
Alma wakes, controlled by the earl because of the Akuma parts in them, there’s a fight. Allen tries to keep Kanda from killing Alma while fighting and protecting both. Kanda stabs him and wake Neah enough he takes a bit of control. Allen convinces Kanda, sends him and Alma through the Arc to Mater. Allen is branded a traitor and imprisoned in the order for a while.
Arm sealed, fighting against the 14th Apocryphos appears, stops Neah from gaining more control, messes with his innocence so it won’t really help him against Apocryphos, who is innocence that guards the heart. The guy wants to absorb Allen to protect him because Allen is connected to innocence in a way no one else is and the heart cares for him a lot apparently. Link shows up and is killed but more like a fake death by the guy.
Tyki and Road show up in time to save him, road gets damaged enough her physical body is gone for now as she rest in the dream world, Allen uses the arc to run. Ends up searching for a way to not be destroyed from the inside out by Neah while searching for answers and questioning whether Mana loved him or what was in him…Allen runs away and the order searches for him. Allen ends up at the place Cross first brought him to when he was catatonic and healing before leaving as a traveling clown in hiding.
Apocryphos hunts him to and Akuma hunt him as well. Some time passes, Johnny leaves the order to search for him and helps him. He finds Allen, uses handcuffs that shock them when they’re too far apart to keep him from running.
Link shows up alive and says he’s there to help the 14th. Mana/Adam/earl shows up, try to attack/plea with Neah. Neah takes over and Earl costume cracks showing Mana who is still slightly crazy and doesn’t seem to recognize his son is Allen over Neah. Tyki shows up wants to fight Neah. Wisely take Earl away.
In the memories Allen meets Cross, gets a hint about Campbell manor having answers that might help him, hears Johnny calling him, connects it to how Akuma soul is called, gets control back surprising Tyki. Tyki tries to take Allen home and gets distracted by general Tydoll, Kanda’s general. Kanda and Tydoll capture Allen and Johnny and run with them. Tim had been destroyed a bit earlier due to Apocryphos using Katrina’s tree (Cordelia or something) wood shard. Allen has the pieces but don’t know if he can be fixed. Allen needs to go to the manor and get rid of the cuff but who knows what Kanda who now has crystal innocence as well as Tydoll will do to them.’
That was all I learned and can recall, the series never finished in my time. FUCK this will be hard but fuck them because I am not letting myself be erased in any way. ‘I think there was something about Allen being able to seduce a robot into sacrificing itself for him too’.
The child leaned back against a wooden cage. Wrapping their right arm tight against their legs with the left tucked between their chest and knees.
“What can I do. I don’t want to be erased”. Tears began to trickle down. “I don’t want to be forced to join the order either. I remember that they are craved fanatics that brain wash and force what they want. Even if the exorcists and some scientist are mostly kind, the people above them are scary. I don’t want to be hunted by akuma either, but the innocence in my arm active or not and might still attract them. Then there’s the 14th to worry about to...”
Whimpering more, before freezing in shock as another thought hit. ‘isn’t Red/Alen/Allen Walker a boy. The one fact that I do remember from my own…my previous… from before this is that I was…am... a girl. But what about now. I’ve been going through the motions and haven’t really paid attention to THERE, what if my sex has changed.’
Shakily, a right hand drifted down to pat at their groin. With a high-pitched whine and blushing cheeks and a paling face, they slowly withdrew their hand. ‘Boy, I’m a boy now. FUCK my life! Positive, think positive, at least there are no more cramps to worry about, and considering the time period, I have more free will then if I was still female, though I probably could have cross-dressed… NO don’t think of that. Um, being male,’
Taking a better look in the stolen mirror they still carried, taking in HIS slightly gaunt face, and the features on it ‘well, considering I know he can grow up to be a heart breaker if I eat a bit better and he…no it’s me now. Even if I don’t know how, this is me now, this is my life, while I’ll try when I’m stronger and older to use this arm to achieve his goal to save akuma. But I’m going to avoid the order, the finders, hell even if Cross caring for me is a nice side, ill avoid him to, and the noah if I can. Mana…I’m going to try to avoid him to.
He forgot Allen when he became the Earl, even if subconsciously endearing him to me might help my survival, it’s not worth it. I would become attached to him and have trouble fighting him. Then I wouldn’t be sure of when he died if I should hope for the earl to come so I could summon Mama and get the cursed scar. It’s useful but to go through that trauma and awaken crown clown. I would rather avoid the situation if I could.
I wonder though, if I somehow got white hair instead of red when I’m older, would it help hide me from those who knew me when I was younger. Just in case I come across some people while I’m getting stronger that I’d rather not remember me.
OH, I need to learn how to cheat at poker and card games to. That was a really useful skill for Allen right. Okay I have a vague plan. Let’s see how much I can stick to. Maybe when I’m a bit older and stronger to, I can let myself dress and look like my gender instead of my sex. I think I’m going to be pretty effeminate, so I can probably pull it off. Maybe seeming more girlish than boyish is a side effect or small gift for whatever put me here. I got to practice those sad animal looks to, if I’m going to be able to convince a robot to die for me, or the angle and devil looks, the kind manners and the street rat manners, playing a clown will be hard, but it also sounds a bit fun. If I’m going to do this then I’m going to do it right.
Chapter 2: RED part 1
It had been two months since waking up in the snow. Already, she had started to adapt, merge almost with the left-over personality of the body that was now hers. At the start, she knew that some people would be cruel to her because that cursed arm of hers, but she underestimated the cruelty of humanity. She never thought she would begin to become so detached from the world that she would start to lose faith in humanity.
She had started to adapt to being called Red, to her new gender, to the way people called her.She never really cared about the pronouns she was called before, so that part was easy to adapt to, the new body took some time.
Red often did her best to hide when Cosimov was near and to blend in to the background around anyone really. She would tuck herself away into corners or hide behind anything around. Be it one of the animals, a crate, a tent, even a random person. Red would hide.
It was a bit hard at first, Cosimov would shout for her to come do something for him, mostly for her to clean up after him or to get some of his props. Red learned though. How to listen for when the drunken clown would be coming around a corner. He would grumble loudly and stomp with each step, when she heard his distinct Russian tone, Red would dive under tents, behind crates, over props, anything to hide. She could get away with it if no one else was around to see her. The main problem at first would be Cosimov going to the ring leader claiming she was slacking off.
Those times made her aware of how bad things could be for her. How disgusting the world around truly is. It triggered the memories that her body still held, though faded and faint. It also triggered her body’s natural instinct-no its trained instinct in how to react.
Red would be punished by the ring master first and then be handed to Cosimov to be punished and made to work. It was still a problem actually, Red just cared about it less. At the start, after punishment, it would be hard to move. She would want to curl up and cry, whimpering in a ball when alone and trying not to move. It might have not been so bad if only she wasn’t also ridiculed for her left arm by everyone who knew about it. It might have been slightly more bearable if she had someone to lean on, but everyone knew her status and deformity.
So Red adapted again. She did most of what she was told to, learned to role with the punches and kicks. How to move fast and make it seem as if she was hurt worse than she was. How to sneak more food then she was given. Where to hide when she really needed it to recover and avoid others. And as she became numb while still retaining a semblance of her true emotions, she still practiced what she planned on.
Red practiced what skills she could on her own and at her age, especially with her body’s condition. Malnourished and beaten near daily, worked to the bone, she would condition her body as much as she dared. Focusing on agility, flexibility, and other less straining activities. She picked up odd tricks and methods from listening in when other performers talked and practiced. Most of all she worked on her left arm.
It was stiff, grotesque looking. Seeming scaled almost and like it was freshly dyed in blood depending on the light, with black claw like nails. Red couldn’t help but agree with the gossip spread about her. Her arm really was monstrous, and it was hard at times to understand how something called innocence’s, something connected to god could be as cruel as her arm.
Then again, the devil was once God’s most admired angel before he became a demon.
Red would try to practice a type of therapy with her left arm and hand to get it to move, but it really seemed impossible. Within the two months of practice she discovered that her arm could move up and down and stuff, it was stiff but able to bend. Still the range of movement wasn’t as great as her right. She could barely move her wrist half as much as her right and her fingers may as well be stone with how much she could move them. It was like a doll that you could only make it close its hand and even than it never fully closed. With how little she felt in that arm besides an occasional ache and maybe slight temperature changes compared to the rest of her, it might as well have been a phantom limb.
No matter how frustrating it got, Red would stick to it, knowing that it would get better in time. A Lot of time.
Focusing on some positive aspects, at least she was getting used to being one handed. Though one-handed card games were more aggravating than left hand therapy, it would so be worth it if she could cheat with one hand. Besides all that, Red practiced when she was alone at night the devil/angle act that she would need one day. It was hard to say how successful it was, so hopefully the practice would pay off. She had noticed that while the world around her was darker than what was shown in the manga and even lighter in some aspects…kinda…there was a sort of manga logic that took effect that she would sometimes notice. From the hits that some people took that average people shouldn’t be able to get up from to the ‘sweat drop’ and ‘emo corner’ aspects that took place.