Work Header

And Now This

Chapter Text

# general-chat

# the-dungeon

Σpsilon Today at 1:49 AM

holy shit

dogfish Today at 1:49 AM

Damn wtf you gonna leave it there dude

Surprise looks like you're all a bunch of chumps

The real treasure was the friends we made along the way etc. etc.

Snake Today at 1:49 AM

To be perfectly fair, we weren't playing a very wise campaign. It wasn't going to end well, had we continued as we were originally led.

dogfish Today at 1:49 AM

Yeah but it's just so


Like holy shit did carlos miss it

@Carlos game fucking over dude we've been played

Σpsilon Today at 1:49 AM

also you were alive the whole time

who knew lmao

santa Today at 1:49 AM

dude had to know he was alive.

probably talked it over with dungaree man after shit went down last session.

dogfish Today at 1:50 AM

Dungaree man nice

Where is old dungy boy anyway

Dung Meister Today at 1:53 AM

Haha, sorry, I actually did cut the campaign shorter than I originally planned. There was a little more to the journey but I think it's better that we brought it to end here. @Snake, I wouldn't say you played a poor campaign. It was a fault in my own designs. The plot was too rigidly laid out, so as you deviated from the path I intended, it became exceedingly difficult to progress.

Σpsilon Today at 1:53 AM

nah bud that was rad

dont beat yourself up

youre damn good at this

dogfish Today at 1:53 AM

Yeah dude you did

Snake Today at 1:54 AM

Your campaign was perfectly structured for a party for which the lawfulness alignment of the characters was not eighty percent chaotic.

dogfish Today at 1:54 AM

It was awesome

santa Today at 1:54 AM

for real snake. cant believe my fuckin chaotic neutral rogue was the team mom of the party.

dogfish Today at 1:55 AM

You always do really cool campaigns

Carlos Today at 1:56 AM

Whoops, can't believe I missed the end of this. Haha

Did everyone have a good time? :)

dogfish Today at 1:56 AM

Yeah you fucking sneak

How long was that in the works anyway

Carlos Today at 1:56 AM

Santa got that one right. ;)

DM and I chatted before Airam was even dead yet. But when things were looking dicey.

dogfish Today at 1:56 AM


Σpsilon Today at 1:56 AM

carlos you sonuvabitch

santa Today at 1:56 AM

sure was dicey. jesus fucking christ.

dm thoughts on next campaign yet or nah?

Σpsilon Today at 1:57 AM

damn somebodys ready to party

dogfish Today at 1:57 AM


santa Today at 1:57 AM

@Snake should i spill.

Σpsilon Today at 1:57 AM

oh shit

Dung Meister Today at 1:58 AM

I do actually have something in the works, which is another reason I was in such a rush to complete this campaign. (I also believe I'm aware of Snake's little secret.) Nothing's fully fleshed out yet, but I'd love to discuss it with you folks soon. Perhaps after some much-needed rest?

dogfish Today at 1:58 AM

Haha god you're such an old man

It's not even 2

Σpsilon Today at 1:58 AM

hes literally an old man dog

Carlos Today at 1:59 AM

He and I both. :P

I've been almost dozing off in front of the screen for the past two hours...

dogfish Today at 1:59 AM

Old mandog. Like an elderly werewolf

Carlos aren't you like 28

You're just weak

Carlos Today at 2:00 AM

...Says the 22-year-old. :/

santa Today at 2:00 AM

looks like snakes out already too?

meeting adjourned go the fuck to sleep.

Σpsilon Today at 2:00 AM

who needs sleep when you have energy drinks >:3

dogfish Today at 2:00 AM

That's what I'm fucking talking about

This is a man who speaks my language

Carlos Today at 2:00 AM

Go to sleep, you two. :P

dogfish Today at 2:00 AM

God you're no fun

Alright when should we meet up to talk next campaign

santa Today at 2:01 AM

usual time tomorrow? i'll be around.

Σpsilon Today at 2:01 AM

im always around

santa Today at 2:01 AM

yeah you weird little rodent.

dogfish Today at 2:01 AM

What the hell santa

@Carlos @Dung Meister @Snake ?

Carlos Today at 2:01 AM

Should work for me. I'll let you know if something comes up.

Snake Today at 2:04 AM

Sorry for the delay, I was reading another tab.

Tomorrow evening is fine with me.

Dung Meister Today at 2:08 AM

Good night.

dogfish Today at 2:08 AM


Does that mean yes


Σpsilon Today at 2:09 AM

looks like a strong probably

dogfish Today at 2:09 AM

@Dung Meister

Goddammit why is he always on invisible

I can't tell when he logs off

Σpsilon Today at 2:09 AM

its chill

yo my boy dijon mustard see you at 8 like usual

nobody send anymore messages so he sees it

dogfish Today at 2:09 AM

Jesus dijon mustard, that's a good one

Σpsilon Today at 2:09 AM

dog wtf

hey danganronpa mystery, dog is a tool, 8

now zip it








Dung Meister

Chapter Text

# general-chat

# the-dungeon

Dogfish Today at 3:45 AM

Guys look at this fcugkign dog

Hold on

Fuck cmoe on


This is racism

Carlos Today at 3:56 AM

Hope you had a good night, Dog :P

Dogfish Today at 4:49 AM

I am fuck yuo

Why is the light on



Carlos Today at 4:53 AM

You alright?

Dogfish Today at 4:54 AM


Carlos Today at 4:57 AM

Yes it is. :)

Dogfish Today at 4:57 AM

I should. Slepe

Carlos Today at 4:57 AM

Yes you should. :)

See you tonight, Dog. Sweet dreams.

Dogfish Today at 4:58 AM


Σpsilon Today at 4:58 AM


Dogfish Today at 4:59 AM

Ok one fuck you. Two fuck you. I forgot what two was but now it's also fuck you

Σpsilon Today at 4:59 AM

also kinda gay

Carlos Today at 5:00 AM

Go to sleep, Dog.

You should too, Epsilon.

Dogfish Today at 5:01 AM

Yes mom

Σpsilon Today at 5:01 AM

now thats some oedipal shit

Dogfish Today at 5:02 AM

I am too tired to understnad that but fuck you anyway


Dung Meister Today at 5:06 AM

@everyone I think I am in danger and I don't know who else I can trust. I don't know where I am. Very shortly you are going to receive a link to a download a file. It contains my phone number, but do not call or text.

Σpsilon Today at 5:07 AM

what the fuck

hey dm you ok? holy shit

Carlos Today at 5:57 AM

Did you get the DM link? I can't download it now. I'm at work.

Σpsilon Today at 5:59 AM

the dm from dm yeah. dw i got this

im running some checks on it gotta make sure this isnt a phishing thing

dont click it yet

Carlos Today at 6:05 AM

Thanks. Keep us posted.

santa Today at 8:49 AM

just backread. any news?

santa Today at 9:04 AM

i swear to god epsilon. if you fell asleep at your computer again.

you piece of shit nocturnal dumbass.

Carlos Today at 9:15 AM

I haven't heard anything.

Are you at a computer? Can you try the link?

santa Today at 9:20 AM

like hell i'm doing that. sorry dumbass menagerie but i can't risk it on this machine.

maybe we can trick dogfish into downloading it for us first.

Snake Today at 10:49 AM


santa Today at 10:51 AM

dm either got hacked or murdered or smth. don't open the link he dmed you.

epsilon's supposed to be making sure it's not a phishing thing but he hasn't been back in 5 hours. so he's probably asleep. looks like he stayed up all night.

dogfish definitely stayed up all night and probably got drunk. he hasn't seen the news so prep yourself for his freakout.

carlos is at work.

Snake Today at 10:59 AM

Thank you.

Are we certain that everyone received the same download link?

santa Today at 11:12 AM

idk but it's a url shortener.

not even a direct link to a download site or anything.

that's why i say wait on epsilon.

i'm working too. not enough time to look into it rn.

Carlos Today at 11:15 AM

My shift is up around 1. Tag me if there's any urgent news before then, or if anybody hears from DM.

Snake Today at 11:16 AM

I'll assume that's one o'clock PST. I have some errands I have to run. I'll try to be back by one as well. Until then.

Carlos Today at 11:16 AM

Yep. See you.

santa Today at 11:21 AM

god am i supposed to be dealing with this.

i work too you know. it's a wfh gig but i'm still working.

where's that fucking jobless basement rodent. get your ass together jesus.

Σpsilon Today at 12:10 PM

which one me or dogfish

anyway dm totally got hacked that shits fake as hell

@everyone ^^^^^

santa Today at 12:20 PM


what's the deal with the link, what is it

and why the fuck did that take so long jesus.

Σpsilon Today at 12:22 PM

listen bud im a growing boy

need my zzzz

santa Today at 12:22 PM

can you get your fucking zzz when maybe we're sure somebody we know isn't fucking dead or some shit.

Σpsilon Today at 12:22 PM

absolutely not have a nice day

anyway i spun up a quick burner instance on a remote server to click the link and it cycles thru like 5 redirects before hitting a zip dl

i dont trust like that™

santa Today at 12:24 PM

alright fuck. me neither tbh.

burner server for fucks sake

can you use your shitty hacker shit to track down dm. nobodys got any accounts on him except here right.

and so we can make sure dog shuts the fuck up about him being dead or some shit. you know he's gonna freak.

Σpsilon Today at 12:25 PM

idk dude

thats a tall order ykno

santa Today at 12:25 PM


i mean. i don't know. but ok.

worth a shot to try.

Σpsilon Today at 12:25 PM

yea maybe

lemme catch more zzzz and try again later :*

santa Today at 12:26 PM

do you do anything else except than sleep at inconvenient times.

Σpsilon Today at 12:26 PM

nah nm ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

santa Today at 12:26 PM

you're in PST too aren't you why the hell do you sleep like this.

god it wouldn't help if you were EST youre just a fucking monster

Σpsilon Today at 12:27 PM

no im a cat


santa Today at 12:27 PM

knifecat. got it.

i fucking hate you. go to sleep asshole

Dogfish Today at 12:49 PM

What the fuck



santa Today at 12:52 PM

called it.

don't freak out dumbass we got it sorted.

snake and carlos are back at 1, epsilon checked the link dm sent us and it's bullshit.

he probably just got hacked it's nbd.

Dogfish Today at 12:59 PM

Did you guys open the files

santa Today at 1:00 PM

no because we're not fucking idiots.

dog did you fucking click the link

Dogfish Today at 1:01 PM

The one from DM yeah

santa Today at 1:01 PM


ok dont download anything it tells you to

Dogfish Today at 1:02 PM



If i had already done that for some reason

Why would that be bad

And what should i do

santa Today at 1:03 PM

i'm blocking you.

i'm leaving this fucking group chat and i'm never talking to you again.

what the fuck dog.

Dogfish Today at 1:03 PM


What did i do

santa Today at 1:04 PM

do you just download anything you see. is your machine infested with five million fucking viruses

Dogfish Today at 1:04 PM

What the hell it's just from DM

What happened to him

Is he ok

Σpsilon Today at 1:05 PM

hey dog can u download a file for me real quick called totally_safe_program.exe ill dm it to you

santa Today at 1:05 PM

i swear to god epsilon you never sleep. you just show up when it's convenient.

Σpsilon Today at 1:05 PM

cannot confirm or deny

lmao is dog dead already

did the russians get him

santa Today at 1:07 PM

i fucking wish.

@Snake i see you. recap is dogfish is a fucking dumbass and downloaded it.

Snake Today at 1:09 PM

Perfect. Thank you.

Dogfish Today at 1:10 PM

Ok this shit is weird

Σpsilon Today at 1:10 PM

is it nudes

ads for single chicks in your area

Dogfish Today at 1:10 PM


Σpsilon Today at 1:10 PM

whats in the file dude

its a zip right

dont unzip it just navigate w/o unzipping

Dogfish Today at 1:14 PM

I already unzipepd it

santa Today at 1:15 PM

aight fuck this. i'm leaving.

Σpsilon Today at 1:15 PM

dogfish i kin you

Dogfish Today at 1:16 PM

Do n't say those furry words at me

Σpsilon Today at 1:16 PM

bold statement from a guy whose username is dogfish

ok but seriously whats in it

Dogfish Today at 1:17 PM

Phone number like he said

Plus a bunch of other shit idk

Σpsilon Today at 1:17 PM

those are called viruses

Dogfish Today at 1:17 PM

No it's like

Text files just full of random shit

Σpsilon Today at 1:17 PM

yeah thats the malware

so did you call the number

Dogfish Today at 1:18 PM

He said to not call or text

Σpsilon Today at 1:18 PM

send him nudes

Dogfish Today at 1:18 PM


Σpsilon Today at 1:18 PM

you first

santa Today at 1:18 PM

can you fight in dms so i don't have to look at this.

Carlos Today at 1:22 PM

Emergency at work. Be back later. Can't respond.

Σpsilon Today at 1:22 PM

hey take care

Dogfish Today at 1:35 PM

@Dung Meister This is why you shouldn't go invisible all the time

Now no one knows if you were online ever since this morning

Σpsilon Today at 1:37 PM

dog wtf are you doing

Dogfish Today at 1:37 PM


Σpsilon Today at 1:38 PM


make a side twitter like the rest of us

Dogfish Today at 1:38 PM


Dogfish Today at 2:01 PM

None of us have server admin permissions

How are we supposed to give each other dumb nicknames

Carlos Today at 2:12 PM

You know this is exactly why he took away admin permissions, right?

Dogfish Today at 2:12 PM


God he's still dung meister

What if he is just dung meister forever

Σpsilon Today at 2:12 PM

everything ok at work?

Carlos Today at 2:13 PM

Yep, all good. Just checking in before I need to head out again. Visiting Maria. Tag me or DM me if you figure anything out, or if you hear from DM.

Σpsilon Today at 2:13 PM

@.Carlos i figured out i want her nurses number

Carlos Today at 2:14 PM

Nice try.

Σpsilon Today at 2:14 PM


im working on pickup lines for her

Carlos Today at 2:14 PM

I think she's married.

Σpsilon Today at 2:14 PM

tell her its ok im openminded about polyamorous relationships

Carlos Today at 2:15 PM

I'll think about it.

Snake Today at 2:18 PM

Should we perhaps revisit this situation with a bit more gravitas given that the file that dog downloaded does indeed contain DM's number, as claimed?

Σpsilon Today at 2:20 PM

dw just started a call w dog


seeing whats up and whats real

scariest fuckin thing is it might be real

Snake Today at 2:21 PM

Would it not be remiss to contact the police, then?

Σpsilon Today at 2:21 PM

thing is we dont know shit abt dm irl

hello cops police my friend got murdered hes from the internet can you help

lmao dog i can see you typing

Dogfish Today at 2:22 PM

Hey fcuk yuo


Σpsilon Today at 2:23 PM

LMAO did you not copypaste your message before you deleted it to say fuck me

snake hes typing it out again from scratch i fuckign stan this legend

oh there it goes again

did you copy it first this time

Dogfish Today at 2:23 PM




Snake Today at 2:24 PM

I'm glad you all seem to be taking this very seriously.

Σpsilon Today at 2:24 PM

anyway he s tryna say we should give dms num to the police

what he doesnt know is thats stupid and im smarter than the cops and i can find his phone location faster

Dogfish Today at 2:25 PM


Why didn't you say so

Σpsilon Today at 2:25 PM

i literally said it to santa like 2 hrs ago

im 90% sure i can hunt this guy down if youre still too chicken to send him nudes

Dogfish Today at 2:25 PM



Σpsilon Today at 2:26 PM

wow he really did it this time

the madman

its ok dog not everyone is comfortable w their body like that

i can send you nudes of me to send to him instead if you want

Dogfish Today at 2:26 PM


Carlos Today at 2:29 PM


Dogfish Today at 2:30 PM


One of you is free from sin. Only one

Carlos Today at 2:30 PM


Snake Today at 2:34 PM

So our next course of action is to determine the location of DM's phone. Is this under the assumption that it's a mobile device?

Additionally, if we do find the location, what would our hypothetical next step even be?

Dogfish Today at 2:35 PM

Go find him

Carlos Today at 2:35 PM

Guess we could give that information to the police. Might be the best we can do, unless there's more information in the... oh.

Let's... not do that, Dog. :/

Dogfish Today at 2:35 PM

He said he didn't know who he can trust

If he could trust the police he would have told the police??? Right????

Snake Today at 2:36 PM

I'm skeptical of our friend's character if they have reasons they cannot trust the police with a problem they're having.

Dogfish Today at 2:36 PM

Idk maybe he's black

Carlos Today at 2:36 PM

That's... actually a good point.

Σpsilon Today at 2:36 PM

damn dog is #woke

Snake Today at 2:37 PM

Regardless of race, I sincerely doubt our best option is to form some kind of vigilante group of lawless heroes and expect to rescue DM from these mysterious circumstances.

Σpsilon Today at 2:37 PM

bruh why not

we got practice

that was literally our last campaign

Dogfish Today at 2:37 PM

Dude you are not selling this

Snake Today at 2:38 PM

I highly doubt it is fiscally viable for our entire party to fly out to DM's purported location on last-minute flights, not to mention the inevitable scheduling fiasco.

Dogfish Today at 2:38 PM

DM pays us back

It says in one of the files he gave me

"Any expenses you incur on my behalf will be reimbursed as soon as I can grant you access to my accounts. Understand that for security reasons I cannot provide any bank routing information in this file.


Snake Today at 2:39 PM

Does it say he's secretly a wealthy Nigerian prince, as well?

Σpsilon Today at 2:39 PM

well that adds up with him being black too

cracked the code everyone mystery solved

our buddys a deposed nigerian prince who needs funds to help him travel to america for amnesty can we pls send him some money he promises hell pay back later

Carlos Today at 2:40 PM

But DM doesn't stand to gain anything from us buying plane tickets. It's different if he were asking us to wire him money directly.

Dogfish Today at 2:40 PM


Thank you

Carlos Today at 2:40 PM

That's not me saying it's a good idea to chase him down.

Dogfish Today at 2:41 PM

Top 10 anime betrayals

Carlos Today at 2:41 PM

Just trying to provide all angles on the situation here.

Dogfish Today at 2:42 PM


Hypothetically speaking

If we have to go rescue DM

Who here is free to like. Fly some place tomorrow

I can do it

Σpsilon Today at 2:42 PM

i mean i guess tbh

Carlos Today at 2:43 PM

I'd have to juggle a couple of shifts at work, but it's not outside the realm of possibility. As long as it's not too far from me. Last thing I want is something happens with Maria while I'm away.

Snake Today at 2:43 PM

I can't say I have any pressing obligations.

Only objections.

Dogfish Today at 2:43 PM

Uuuugugghhhh snake

Snake Today at 2:44 PM

At this time, we don't even know where DM is.

I may reassess my opinions once we have enough information to put any plans into motion.

Σpsilon Today at 2:45 PM

hes in socal

Dogfish Today at 2:45 PM




Σpsilon Today at 2:45 PM

lmao take a chill pill my dude

hold your fuckin horses

idk where in socal

you just gonna fly out to la like


Dogfish Today at 2:46 PM



Carlos Today at 2:46 PM

Hey, I'm in the area, at least.

Σpsilon Today at 2:46 PM

give us your best hewwo carlos!!!!! uwu

Dogfish Today at 2:46 PM

HWy are we friends

Σpsilon Today at 2:47 PM

bc i got your locale in socal bitches!!!!!!!,-118.2020946,21z

Dogfish Today at 2:47 PM


He's in the middle of a park???

Carlos Today at 2:48 PM

L.A. proper, alright. I could make it down there by tomorrow afternoon.

Snake Today at 2:48 PM

It would take considerable effort for me to make it to Los Angeles, given that I'm currently located on the east coast.

Dogfish Today at 2:49 PM

Yeah fucking same

I am looking up flights and holy shit

Even if DM is going to pay me back i cannot fucking afford to cover this

Carlos Today at 2:49 PM

You want me to check it out alone? It's just a couple hours driving for me.

Dogfish Today at 2:50 PM

I mean i want to go

Snake Today at 2:51 PM

I believe Santa is located in southern Nevada. Not to offer his availability in his absence, but his work schedule is flexible. He'd likely be able to provide assistance to Carlos if needed.

Σpsilon Today at 2:51 PM

im in cali too

3 of us can squad up and get ya boi dm

Dogfish Today at 2:52 PM

Ok listen i get it but i want to fucking go

Idk i just want to be there

Σpsilon Today at 2:52 PM

awwww yeah group meetup

snake will you come if we dont call it a rescue mission

its just 5 online bros who wanna meet irl

Snake Today at 2:53 PM

I hope you mean "six".

Ideally we would have planned out such an event well in advance, but so be it.

I can't say I'm not available.

Dogfish Today at 2:54 PM


Now i just need to find like three hundred fucking dollars i can spend and not die

Σpsilon Today at 2:54 PM

dude you said dm can cover right

just use a credit card

wont charge till later

Dogfish Today at 2:55 PM

I do not have a credit card dumbass

Σpsilon Today at 2:55 PM

LMAO watch who youre callin a dumbass

how old are you

Dogfish Today at 2:55 PM

None of your business but 22

Σpsilon Today at 2:55 PM


get a credit card

Dogfish Today at 2:55 PM

That takes like. Weeks

I need a plane ticket like. Now

Carlos Today at 2:56 PM

Not to mention cost for hotels.

Dogfish Today at 2:56 PM

God fucking damn it

Carlos Today at 2:56 PM

Here's an idea: everyone who doesn't have to get a plane ticket, we'll all pitch in to cover the cost of a hotel room.

We can probably squeeze into one room together.

Σpsilon Today at 2:56 PM

yea im good w that if dm really says he can cover

think of it like that snake

u gotta rush to meet ur bros sure but thats bc rn its free

Snake Today at 2:57 PM

Yes, I suppose I'll explicitly declare that I am intending to go.

I am searching for flights now.

Dogfish Today at 2:57 PM

Yeah ok does anyone have like 300 dollars lying around

Maybe 200

I can cover some of it but like

I have to pay rent next week

santa Today at 2:58 PM

jesus fuck check your dms.

Dogfish Today at 2:58 PM


Oh shit what

santa Today at 2:58 PM

fucking talk to me in dms you piece of shit.








Dung Meister

Chapter Text






santa Today at 2:51 PM

alright don't go spreading this around.

but if you need some cash to cover you i can loan it.

dog fucking check your dms

holy shit are you still drunk or what.

jesus christ



Dogfish Today at 2:59 PM

Wow ok take a chill pill

santa Today at 3:00 PM

oh thats fucking fresh. coming from you.

you got paypal or venmo or something or you want me to just buy the ticket

Dogfish Today at 3:00 PM




santa Today at 3:01 PM

im coverin your ass to get to LA shithead

Dogfish Today at 3:01 PM

What the fresh fuck

Dude it is like. Three hundred fucking dollars at least

santa Today at 3:01 PM

i know. you only whined about it like 3 times already.

Dogfish Today at 3:02 PM

What the fuck

You can't do that

santa Today at 3:02 PM

yeah i can.

Dogfish Today at 3:02 PM

What the fuck. Are you secretly loaded

santa Today at 3:03 PM

i don't wanna get into details but i can spare a few hundred if you're 100% sure dm can get it back to me after.

plus i got a credit card can handle it. unlike some ppl i guess.

Dogfish Today at 3:04 PM

How do people just

Get credit cards

You have to have credit to build credit it is fucked

santa Today at 3:04 PM

finance lesson for later. if your parents have good credit and theyre cool w it they can put your name on their credit card and build your credit in the bg

if not you can throw down a deposit for a secured credit card. it's shitty and you don't get any perks but it builds credit.

think rent payments should build credit too but it might not be enough data to get you approved for a major credit card.

Dogfish Today at 3:06 PM

Ok so like

You are. Secretly rich

santa Today at 3:06 PM

i know personal finance.

majored in it in college.

Dogfish Today at 3:06 PM

YUo major ed in money

santa Today at 3:07 PM

lmao. majoring in finance doesn't make you rich. trust me.

you gonna give me a paypal or what.

Dogfish Today at 3:07 PM

I do not have paypal. Or venmo

santa Today at 3:07 PM

course you fucking dont.

aight what airport you flying out of. im probably gonna find you a better ticket than whatever you're lookin at.

Dogfish Today at 3:08 PM

Are you fucking serious

santa Today at 3:08 PM

yeah. are you

you wanna chase down your buddy dm or not

Dogfish Today at 3:08 PM

I mean


santa Today at 3:09 PM


gonna get you flying into the same airport as snake this way too.

do me a solid and meet up with him and get him to the park with you ok

payback for lending you money or somethin.

Dogfish Today at 3:10 PM

Haha. Solid snake

Anyway why

santa Today at 3:10 PM


Dogfish Today at 3:10 PM

Look i will do it ok

I am kind of in your debt here or whatever

santa Today at 3:10 PM

you fucking better.


Dogfish Today at 3:11 PM



santa Today at 3:11 PM

aight let's get this fucking over with.









Chapter Text

# general-chat

# the-dungeon

Snake Today at 3:32 PM

You have to consider that all of our cognitive processes that determine emotions and sensations boil down to our interpretation of electrical signals.

I don't see why you couldn't teach a robot to love.

Σpsilon Today at 3:32 PM

but does it know

does it really know

Snake Today at 3:32 PM

Do you know?

Σpsilon Today at 3:33 PM

wow fuck

its like the part in i robot where will smith says robots cant write a symphony and the robots like neither can u fuckface

you big memer

Snake Today at 3:33 PM

That's not quite the same argument.

This is more in the vein of Plato's allegory of the cave, or any of the numerous schools of philosophy that discriminate between the natural world and human perception.

In this case, I suppose, robot perception.

Σpsilon Today at 3:34 PM

so my roomba knows i love her

Snake Today at 3:34 PM

Absolutely not.

Σpsilon Today at 3:35 PM


Dogfish Today at 3:36 PM

Ok what the absolute fuck are you talking about

Σpsilon Today at 3:36 PM

if we make robots that fuck will they fall in love with us

Snake Today at 3:37 PM

The distinction between the emotions of humans and those of a hypothetical, sophisticated artificial intelligence programmed to react to stimuli via artificial synapses intended to mimic human neurology.

I don't believe the stipulation that they were sex robots ever entered the conversation until this point?

santa Today at 3:38 PM

god we leave you alone for 5 minutes and this is the kinda shit you get up to.

Σpsilon Today at 3:38 PM

it was like 30 min my dude

i got scared

i panicked

had to talk about sex robots

Dogfish Today at 3:38 PM

Well that is some kind of freud bullshit there

Σpsilon Today at 3:38 PM

lmao NOW you know about freud

this morning you missed my sick oedipus complex joke

Dogfish Today at 3:39 PM


Carlos Today at 3:39 PM

Diana's stopping in now, Epsilon, want me to tell her about this conversation we're having?

Σpsilon Today at 3:39 PM




you win this time carlos

Dogfish Today at 3:39 PM

I have no idea what just happened but thank you carlos

Carlos Today at 3:40 PM

No problem ;)

Any message you do wanna pass along?

Σpsilon Today at 3:40 PM

hhhhhhh im too shy


Dogfish Today at 3:40 PM

You have never been shy once in your life

Like an hour ago you were going to send nudes to DM

Σpsilon Today at 3:40 PM

yeah but dianas a cute girl

have 2 b classy

Dogfish Today at 3:41 PM

How do you know DM is not a cute girl

Σpsilon Today at 3:41 PM

damn......... fuckin called out........

guess i gotta say then........

Dogfish Today at 3:42 PM


Say what

Σpsilon Today at 3:42 PM

why im not tellin yall this is a stupid as fuck idea to go chasing dm

why i think hes really in some shit and its a big fuckin deal

and why i believe him when he says hes gonna pay us back

santa Today at 3:43 PM

he fuckin better. whats the deal

Σpsilon Today at 3:43 PM

thats our fuckin dm

ceo of a huge pharma company

when i did the ip trace and looked up the number it all went back to this guy

we got ourselves some kinda celebrity

if he says hes in danger

shits goin down

santa Today at 3:44 PM


holy fuck, i guess.

Carlos Today at 3:45 PM

Yeah. You said it.

Holy crap.

santa Today at 3:45 PM

snake you need a recap

summary. whatever.

Snake Today at 3:46 PM

I believe I've gleaned enough information from the messages in here. Does the article have any additional information I need to be aware of?

santa Today at 3:46 PM

nah thats. probably good.

jesus christ.

Dogfish Today at 3:47 PM

What the actual fuck is happening

Σpsilon Today at 3:47 PM

idk dude

what IS happening

whos around to look for our guy

and when

Dogfish Today at 3:47 PM

I got a flight for ass o clock tonight

Carlos Today at 3:47 PM

You gonna be okay with the money?

Dogfish Today at 3:47 PM

Yeah its chill

I got it figured out

Snake Today at 3:48 PM

I too have secured a flight to get me to Los Angeles by tomorrow morning.

Dog fish and I will need to secure transportation from LAX to the rendez-vous point in the park, if anyone knows a public transit option or could offer a lift?

Σpsilon Today at 3:48 PM

lmao lax is as far as i know i can get w/o a car

who wants to pick up 3 beefy boys from the airport :3

Snake Today at 3:49 PM

Two beefy boys at maximum, I assure you.

Carlos Today at 3:49 PM

I'll be coming down to LA in my truck, if a couple of you don't mind squeezing into the back. I can make a pitstop at the airport.

Santa, how are you getting in?

santa Today at 3:50 PM

driving too. but im more flexible with time.

you said you can only get to la in the afternoon right

these guys get in early.

i can pick em up.

Carlos Today at 3:51 PM

Good point. Yeah, I can try to get in at three at the earliest, but I've got another 8 hour shift tomorrow morning.

Dogfish Today at 3:51 PM


I am too lazy to look up the white woman doing math meme but imagine it

8 hours. Plus 2 hours driving. Where

How does that add up to 3

Carlos Today at 3:51 PM

My shifts start at 5 am, Dog.

Dogfish Today at 3:51 PM

What the FUCK

Carlos Today at 3:52 PM

At least, this week. Remember how tired I was last night when we were wrapping up the campaign?

Σpsilon Today at 3:52 PM

and dog was making fun of you for being a tired old man

rude as fuck

Dogfish Today at 3:52 PM

I take back everything i said

Carlos braver than any us marine

santa Today at 3:53 PM


so i pick up the boys from lax. get em somethin to eat probably.

meet up in the park at 3.

we can figure out a hotel too. probably got the time.

Dogfish Today at 3:53 PM

Fuck yeah

This shit is real now

@Dung Meister We are coming for you fucko

santa Today at 3:53 PM

go pack, dumbass.

your flights soon.

Dogfish Today at 3:53 PM

Fuck you

You are not wrong but fuck you anyway

santa Today at 3:54 PM

and carlos. fucking sleep dude.

you got what. 2 hours last night.

Carlos Today at 3:54 PM

Still with Maria running on my fourth cup of coffee, but that's the plan when I get home, promise.

santa Today at 3:55 PM

everybody got data and mobile so we can chat each other or we gotta exchange numbers.

drop your # in here if you need and we can all text it.

Dogfish Today at 3:55 PM

I am good

Carlos Today at 3:55 PM

Been on mobile all day, yep :)

Σpsilon Today at 3:55 PM

you bet ur ass i got unlimited data bitches

Snake Today at 3:56 PM

I may be slow to respond but I will have coverage.

I'd be just as slow via SMS messaging, to be clear.

santa Today at 3:56 PM

drop your # if you need someone to give you a call. play it by ear.

Snake Today at 3:57 PM

I am known to have a talent for that.

Very well. I'll be largely unresponsive for the rest of the night, since I too have to pack.

santa Today at 3:57 PM

you gonna be aight with that. got anybody to help

Snake Today at 3:58 PM

My sister has already agreed to drop me off at the airport. I'm sure I can persuade her to help me choose outfits for a few days.

santa Today at 3:58 PM

cute as fuck. good shit.

Σpsilon Today at 3:58 PM

santa still playin team mom even after the campaign :')

cute as fuck. good shit.

santa Today at 3:59 PM

cause if theres anything i learned today its that you fucks are a bunch of dumbass children who dont know shit.

walking disasters.

Dogfish Today at 3:59 PM

Excuse you this is carlos erasure

santa Today at 3:59 PM

sorry. couldnt hear you over the sound of carlos getting 4 cups of coffee and 2 hrs of sleep and calling it even.

you all suck.

dog you shoudl be fucking packing.

Carlos Today at 4:00 PM

Called out...

Dogfish Today at 4:00 PM

I do what i want

santa Today at 4:00 PM

thought you wanted to get on a plane and help your buddy dm out.

Dogfish Today at 4:00 PM

That has nothing to do with packing

I will go nude

Σpsilon Today at 4:00 PM

you wont SEND nudes but youll GO nude?????

Dogfish Today at 4:00 PM


As long as there is no photographic evidence

Pics or it did not happen. As they say

Σpsilon Today at 4:01 PM

ill take pics ;)

Dogfish Today at 4:01 PM


santa Today at 4:01 PM

can everyone just fucking leave.

santa Today at 6:32 PM

cool. still dont know how that fuckin worked.

im all squared away for this shit. be at the airport by 11 am.

see you fucks tomorrow.








Dung Meister

Chapter Text






Dogfish Today at 10:21 AM


I am. Here

Let me off the plane fucker

santa Today at 10:38 AM

morning sunshine.

don't go too far. snake's flight is comin in soon.

need you to pick him up before you leave the terminals.

Dogfish Today at 10:38 AM


Oh shit we can get off the plane now. Bye losers

santa Today at 10:39 AM

no way in hell im getting thru security in lax this morning. could barely fuckin park.

you gotta pick him up. bring him out with you.

Dogfish Today at 10:43 AM

What is he a little kid

Because i will have you know i am an infant. A baby

I literally have never flown on a plane alone before and i have decided that i hate it

santa Today at 10:44 AM

damn. you really are a baby.

Dogfish Today at 10:44 AM

Um excuse you

No one can make fun of me for being a baby except me

Check yourself

santa Today at 10:45 AM

snakes gonna be at terminal 7 in a half hour. get your ass over there.

Dogfish Today at 10:45 AM

I will put my ass wherever the fuck i want

Where is epsilon

santa Today at 10:46 AM

why are you asking me.

i didnt manage his flight schedule.

Dogfish Today at 10:46 AM

Then why are you micromanaging mine

santa Today at 10:46 AM

because you're a baby and you need it.

Dogfish Today at 10:46 AM



How the fuck do i get to terminal whatever. Where am i

santa Today at 10:48 AM


you're at terminal 5. you need to get to terminal 7.

idk how you get there im not your fuckin. tech guy runnin a heist or somethin

can you read

Dogfish Today at 10:48 AM

No i have been faking it this whole time how did you know

santa Today at 10:49 AM

then look at the fucking signs. theyre probably everywhere.

Dogfish Today at 10:50 AM

You know this weird thing you do

When you are actually mad. You say fuckign


And when you are just messing around. You say fuckin

santa Today at 10:51 AM

less texting more walking buddy

god its literally like babysitting with you

Dogfish Today at 10:51 AM

I am walking and texting

I have the powerful ability to multitask

Ok if i see terminal 4. Does that mean i am going the wrong way

santa Today at 10:54 AM

since its you. yeah. im gonna guess so.

just fuckin. ask somebody

Dogfish Today at 10:55 AM

See that is how i know you are not actually mad

santa Today at 10:55 AM

your litmus test needs some calibration dude.

im at my wits end here i stg.

Dogfish Today at 10:57 AM

Ok i think i am going the right way now

santa Today at 10:57 AM

did you ask somebody.

Dogfish Today at 10:57 AM

Absolutely not who the fuck do you think i am

santa Today at 10:57 AM


Dogfish Today at 10:58 AM

Why did you even send me to get snake

I am literally the worst at navigation

My very existence screams disaster

santa Today at 10:59 AM

well youre gonna be a little bit better than him i figure.

Dogfish Today at 10:59 AM

Press x to doubt

santa Today at 10:59 AM

yea i guess so.

santa Today at 11:04 AM

snakes flight is in. gate 74.

hope you found that fuckin terminal.

Dogfish Today at 11:06 AM

What hello

Ok im at 7

I have to go to 74????? What the fuck

santa Today at 11:07 AM

terminal 7. gate 74. go inside the terminal shitbrains. find his gate.

Dogfish Today at 11:07 AM

Geez who is the baby now

Has to get picked up right from the gate

Your boy dogfish made it all by himself like a big boy

Dogfish graduates from infant to toddler

santa Today at 11:08 AM

god youre an asshole. you know that?

Dogfish Today at 11:08 AM


Oh shit. More numbers

Ok i got this. I can count to 74

Wtf theres letters too. I can't count to letters

Oh 74 does not have letters. Ok

Bam. I am. Here

Where is my little boy

I want to see him

santa Today at 11:15 AM

sorry epsilon was messaging me

are people leaving the gate yet or nah

Dogfish Today at 11:15 AM

No it is deserted here dude

santa Today at 11:16 AM

ok. then use this thing. you might not know about it. called fucking patience.

Dogfish Today at 11:17 AM

How do i know if i see him

What does he look like

Does he look like solid snake

santa Today at 11:17 AM

well yesterday he said hes not a beefy boy and i think thats all were gonna get realistically speaking.

Dogfish Today at 11:17 AM

Damn. Solid snake is beefy. Guess not

Ok well what is he wearing

I see you typing and no

I am not askign him

That is weird as fuck

You ask him for me

santa Today at 11:18 AM

dude hes not gonna have any idea.

Dogfish Today at 11:18 AM


Are you asking or am i just looking for one (1) non beefy boy

santa Today at 11:20 AM

hang im tryna get a picture of him from his sister

Dogfish Today at 11:20 AM

God this would be so much easier if he would just answer his messages

Aaaaaaaaa people are coming out


santa Today at 11:23 AM


Dogfish Today at 11:23 AM

Oh great

A picture where hes blinking

Thanks it was useless

santa Today at 11:23 AM

look at his weirdass hair. like hell it was useless.

Dogfish Today at 11:23 AM

Yeah ok


Time to play wheres waldo but with weirdass hair

santa Today at 11:24 AM

good luck bud.

Dogfish Today at 11:27 AM



santa Today at 11:27 AM


Dogfish Today at 11:27 AM

He has a white cane

Like. For blind people

santa Today at 11:27 AM

oh shit we're a coupla dumbasses huh.

thats how you coulda recognized him the whole time.

Dogfish Today at 11:27 AM

He's blind???????

santa Today at 11:27 AM


what. the fuck.

how many fucking times does he have to talk about his screenreader

are you a fucking idiot.

you know how i have to fucking transcribe every stupid piece of shit dog picture you send in the group chat?

why the fuck did you think i was doing that.

and your fucking shitpost memes too jesus christ.

you thought i was just doing that for fucking fun or what.

i haven't said more than 3 good things about you in my life but im tellin you right now i regret all of them.

jesus fucking christ.

Dogfish Today at 11:28 AM

Ok holy shit dude


How dare you call my dog pictures stupid pieces of shit

Second i thought he just had a shit connection and the images did not show up

Like his messages are always really slow too

santa Today at 11:29 AM

they're SLOW because he's FUCKING BLIND.

he's using a screenreader and text to voice.

Dogfish Today at 11:29 AM


santa Today at 11:29 AM

are you gonna go get him or are you gonna leave his blind ass to wander around lost and just keep sending me your bullshit.

Dogfish Today at 11:29 AM

Shut up

Uh what the fuck

Oh fuck

What the FUCk

santa Today at 11:31 AM

the fuck is happening to you dude.

did you get snake or not.

Dogfish Today at 11:32 AM

I think i found epsilon


santa Today at 11:33 AM

thats not the blind one who needs your help as far as i know but sure. fuckin leave snake hangin for longer i guess.

Dogfish Today at 11:39 AM

Oh yeah we got light

I mean snake

His name is light like what the fuck you anime ass motherfucker

Ok i guess you gave the directions to epsilon because he is leading us now

Which. Ok. Fair

But i don't like it


See you soon i guess

Since. You are not responding

Which. Ok. Also fair









Chapter Text

The first thing to come to Junpei’s mind when he first saw the man he knew as Snake was, no, that can’t be right. Light Field caught his eye immediately—his ear first, to be certain, with the gentle swish and tap of his white cane as he made his way up the jet bridge—because he was one of those unique persons who seemed to glow with an importance that set him apart from the crowd. His buttoned shirt fit his narrow frame quite loosely, held to his silhouette by an open vest and the high waist of his slim trousers. Though his tousled, shaggy, ash-blond hair matched the photo sent by Santa, Junpei suffered a long moment of disbelief before he accepted that this man was Snake. He looked less like the nerd with the snippy remarks from their DND group, and more like a foreign dignitary, perhaps even a prince. This was all without even taking into consideration the presence of the white cane.

Before Junpei could make his approach, another man came up to Snake—another man whom Junpei recognized. It was the exact man in the profile picture for the user named Dogfish.

Though no taller than Snake, this man was much broader. He was, as Σpsilon might say, a beefy boy. His T-shirt was undoubtedly a size too small for him, the cuffs desperately gripping the groove between his deltoids and his biceps as he hefted one of Snake’s bags over his shoulder.  He wore a winsome smile as he started to chat with Snake, a smile that changed flavor but did not fade—perhaps even grew deeper—as he laid eyes on Junpei approaching.

“Well, now,” he said, and his voice was almost unfairly mellow. “Don’t you look familiar.”

Indeed, Junpei did look familiar, to those who were looking. He was, of course, the subject of Σpsilon’s profile picture.

The man shifted Snake’s bag to his other shoulder to free up his right hand for shaking. “You must be Epsilon,” he said. “It’s me. Dogfish.”

Junpei squeezed the man’s hand fiercely at this. This was a mistake, since he was obviously not the one with the superior grip strength out of the pair, and the other made it clear with his retaliatory clench. His smile only deepened.

“Name’s Sigma,” he said. “And here’s our boy, Snake.”

Snake smoothed away a confused frown once mentioned. “I’m not at all conditioned to respond to that name, so please, call me Light,” he insisted. “Shall we call you Epsilon, or—”

“Junpei,” he said immediately, through gritted teeth, all but wrenching his hand away from Sigma’s. “I’m Junpei.”

“Nice. Squad full of strong, secure boys who don’t need to go by their Internet nicknames in the real world,” Sigma said, his grin back to its jollier state. “Now, let’s go meet Santa Claus.”

“You know where he is?” Junpei asked with a frown.

“Hell yeah, I do,” replied Sigma. He turned to lead, throwing a wink over his shoulder at Junpei. “What do you take me for, some kinda idiot?”

“Frankly, from our chat history, yes,” replied Light.

Junpei barely stifled a sharp response. Sigma gave him another glance over his shoulder, and then another wink.

“Okay, fair,” said Sigma.

Junpei didn’t intend to give the middle finger to Sigma’s back; it was just that Sigma turned around too quickly to see him raise it.


Santa’s car was a 2018 model Mercedes-Benz coupe with a genuine AMG engine. Junpei only knew this because, upon encountering the car in the parking lot, Sigma immediately began asking about the car’s specs with enthusiastic interest. Had Junpei been asked to describe it, he would have called it “a silver car with two doors that looks fancy and new”. Perhaps, had Light been asked, he would have called it “small, but quiet, and took me where I needed to go”.

Junpei did not know what he had been expecting to see when he met Santa, but Aoi wasn’t it. He was a wiry thing, with a resting facial expression that held as much habitual scorn as his harshly punctuated messages. His entire image seemed to have been molded by spite. The desert-dweller dressed solely in black, baring only his shoulders and arms in his sleeveless hoodie—even his hands were covered by a pair of black leather driving gloves with metal-studded cuffs. His heavy, studded pants were tucked into a pair of boots with dust in the soles but clean leather. Though Japanese, his hair was bleached white and styled wild. They found him sitting against the roof of his car in the lot, “soaking up the sun”. He gave the closest approximation in his varied facial repertoire to a smile when he recognized the three boys rolling up towards him.

“These the beefy boys?” he called out in a voice even sharper than the points of his brown shoulders and elbows. “God, Dogfish, you look even more like a tool in person.”

Again, Junpei had to stop himself from bristling up. Sigma, however, only extended his hand for the shaking with a hearty smile. “Please, call me Sigma,” he said. “Dogfish is my father’s name.”

He glanced to his left to give Junpei a quick wink as he shook Aoi’s gloved hand, and then Junpei bristled.

“Fuckin’ idiot,” Santa muttered, giving Junpei and Light glances as he picked at the cuff of his glove. “He tell you guys yet how he didn’t even fuckin’ know Snake was blind till today? Light, sorry.”

The pause and glance he gave to Light after correcting himself on the name was enough time for Sigma to control the surprise rising up to his eyes and channel it into a sheepish laugh. “Look!” he said, doubling over to hide his face for a few seconds longer. “I’m a dumbass. We all know this. We all accept this. Okay?”

“I don’t accept it,” Junpei sniped.

Santa arched a single brow as his eyes slid over to the weird little rodent of a man he recognized as Σpsilon. “Well,” he said, “you’re even more unpleasant in person.”

“Are you just gonna stand here and insult us all?” Junpei asked.

“Like you don’t all deserve it,” Santa retorted. But he had no remark for Light.

He reached into his pocket to pop the trunk of his fancy car, which had Sigma marveling over its make and model for a few minutes, peering under its hood once given Aoi’s permission. While loading the suitcases into the trunk, Junpei was marveling over the size of the make and model, peering into its tinted windows to see if there were even four seats in the car beyond the coupe’s only two doors. When he caught Junpei staring, Aoi wordlessly reached in his open driver-side door to pull the seat release. He gave a jerk of a nod to gesture him inside, then waved Sigma over, too.

“Aw, hell, no,” Sigma protested. “I’m a big boy. A growing boy. I ain’t gonna fit in the back.”

Aoi lifted his sunglasses to level Sigma with a glare. “You wanna make this a little easier on the guy who can’t fuckin’ see?” he snapped. “His legs gotta be as long as yours, anyway.”

Light answered this question for both of them by making his way to the door, touching the open frame, and stooping down to quietly and politely ask, “Junpei, could you shift over to the other side?” before sliding effortlessly into the backseat. His hands found both ends of the seatbelt and he was buckled in seconds.

The engine revved when Aoi dropped into the driver’s seat and pushed the ignition (pushed, of course, because it was a fancy new car). “Alright, boys,” he said, “whaddya want for lunch?”

“In-N-Out,” Junpei called out immediately, because if there’s one thing you learn about the west coast while going to a big college on the east, it’s that no one from California can shut up about In-N-Out, so it must be at least kinda good.

Sigma’s arm spilled over the back of the seat when he turned around to give Junpei a broad, downright giddy smile, like he couldn’t contain just how excited he was about going to In-N-Out. To be expected of someone from the west coast.

Their route decided, Junpei finally took out his phone.

Chapter Text






Dogfish Today at 12:36 PM


What the fuck

Look at your phone fuckface

Σpsilon Today at 12:38 PM

duuuuuude i had no idea you were the fuckin meme man

making a new acc & stealing my pic in retaliation is way more power moves than i gave you credit for


well played

Dogfish Today at 12:38 PM



The meme man?????

Σpsilon Today at 12:39 PM

you were goin around on 4chan for a little while

smaller circles dw

no crazy alt right fuckheads or doxxers or w/e

everyone was posting pictures of things that looked like knifecat

you were a hit

Dogfish Today at 12:40 PM

Ok wtf

I was a meme and i did no teven know

Σpsilon Today at 12:40 PM

tragic bro

yeah man i was just usin ur pic for a laff

how did you know it was me tho!!

can i give u a better picture

thats not my good side

Dogfish Today at 12:41 PM

I uh

Just googled for a picture

Σpsilon Today at 12:41 PM

no yeah but how did you know how to google me dumpass

you didnt know shit abt computers yesterday but you doxxed me from my burner acct

or wait

DID you

oh my god did you even know that picture was me

Dogfish Today at 12:42 PM


Σpsilon Today at 12:42 PM

oh yeah cuz lights gonna see us

oh my god you fucking star junpei

god i cant wait to tell all my friends that knifecatboy is named junpei and hes my friend and hes a giant dumbass

Dogfish Today at 12:42 PM


Σpsilon Today at 12:43 PM

what did you even google to get my picture

"incredibly handsome dude"

"absolutely shredded young man"

"me but hotter"

Dogfish Today at 12:43 PM

I will kill you

Why are you pretending to be me

Σpsilon Today at 12:43 PM


im not

its just a meme

i shopped the knife on it myself

Dogfish Today at 12:44 PM

Right NOW jack ass

Σpsilon Today at 12:44 PM

im not trying to be u online or w/e its just a funny picture


Dogfish Today at 12:44 PM

Why are you still pretending to be me in real fucking life

Σpsilon Today at 12:44 PM

i gotchu my b

i mean i did it first bc you played me

was gonna take the fall and pretend to be the absolute dumbass of the 2 of us

now you get the reputation of being the cool one who knows how to computers and has a credit card and KNEW LIGHT WAS BLIND BEFORE YOU MET HIM

do you really wanna give that up pei

Dogfish Today at 12:45 PM

I do not want your shitty reputation

I will own my dumbassery

Σpsilon Today at 12:45 PM

ok big boy

then tell em the truth

Dogfish Today at 12:45 PM


Σpsilon Today at 12:45 PM


then dont

Dogfish Today at 12:46 PM

They are going to find out eventually

When i am a huge dumbass and you are a piece of shit

Σpsilon Today at 12:46 PM

ok you should know this by now but

im learning that youre slow as fuck on the uptake so

i am incapable of being embarrassed

if thats the angle youre goin for

Dogfish Today at 12:47 PM


Σpsilon Today at 12:47 PM

fuck yeah its another victory for sigma pieceofshit









Chapter Text

“It’s good, sure, but it’s kind of overrated,” said Sigma of In-N-Out when they had finished eating, and it was one of the only things he had said all day that Junpei didn’t feel tarnished the Dogfish name.

“But you’re glad you went,” Junpei added, “right?”

“Sure, yeah,” Sigma said, giving those same sneaky eyes across the table that he’d been taunting Junpei with since they first met.

Aoi’s system GPS was still loading its maps when Sigma excitedly pointed his beefy arm across the windshield to the famous west coast burger joint heralding them as they departed from the airport lot. “This is gonna be the shittiest, busiest In-N-Out in the world,” Aoi grumbled, but he pulled in nonetheless. Once their lunch was through, he offered to take them downtown to wander and take in the sights while he made calls to nearby hotels for vacancies and prices. Light declined, saying he wasn’t one for wandering, much less taking in sights, and nobody liked the idea of Sigma and Junpei wandering the city, whether together or alone, so they all just rode in awkward silence in Aoi’s car as he started placing Bluetooth calls.

His sharp voice slipped into something buttery and pleasant when the concierge picked up. It was elegant, with an air of diplomacy that made Junpei think there was something being said underneath the surface that he wasn’t sophisticated enough to hear. Perhaps Light wasn’t the foreign dignitary in the group, despite appearances, it was Aoi, with his smooth-talking, no-nonsense attitude, and deep pockets. (Or perhaps they both were, and that’s why their conversation over lunch had been so familiar and absolutely dry with their matching wit.)

Sigma was closer to the mark when Aoi cheerfully hung up the phone and he immediately said, “Wow, you must work in customer service.”

Aoi barked a laugh, back to his brusque ways as he tucked the phone into his pocket. “Sorta,” he said. “Talk to customers a lot, anyway. Lotta phone calls.”

“What do you even do?” Junpei asked, sending a glance down at the black leather seats.

After a suspicious stare through the rearview mirror, Aoi shrugged and said, “Investment firm. Banking shit.”

“Oh, shit, you do stocks?” Sigma said with a devilish grin. “So you’re like, on Wall Street?”

“Ain’t no Wall Street in Nevada, dumbass,” Aoi grumbled, and that was the last that was said about that. “Aight, somebody decide where we’re goin’ for the next couple hours till Carlos gets here or I’m just gonna drive into the middle of the city and park in the first spot I find.”

“He actually says ‘aight’ in real life,” Sigma whispered to the back seat passengers, and Aoi slapped him in the shoulder without taking his eyes off the road.

No one had any brighter ideas than Hollywood, so they made their way. Light seemed to purposely thwap his cane against the ankles of anyone who tried to get in front of him as they ambled down the Walk of Fame, as he assured them, “I don’t need leading.” Sigma, in the meantime, was reading off the notable stars as they passed them. It could have passed as being for Light’s benefit if Sigma were not so prone to slipping in false names so often, like “Barney the Dinosaur” and “oh, there she is, my favorite actress, Hatsune Miku!” And each time, Light lifted up his cane to give Sigma a sharp tap on the shin with pinpoint accuracy. Once they finished their circuit up Hollywood Boulevard and back down Sunset Boulevard, they ended up at yet another In-N-Out. A ping in the server from Carlos telling @everyone he’d been let off work early and was on his way was the only thing keeping Sigma from going in and getting another burger. They folded themselves back up into Aoi’s car, which pulled out of its parallel-parked spot just as swiftly as Aoi had backed into it, one hand twirling around the steering wheel as the other manned the clutch.

Lincoln Park was on the cusp of a much more residential district, where the roads didn’t run strictly perpendicular and parallel, and even where they did, they were lined with houses with sloped roofs. The park itself was a neat little center of recreation, with a gym at one end and a theater at the other, a pond in the center, and a skate park and a couple of baseball diamonds nestled into the remaining space left in that slice of greenery. Carlos spotted them from his spot at a lakeside bench, one eye on a kids’ ball game and the other on the ducks floating across the water.

Carlos, they all knew, was a bit of a normie. It was evident from the way he capitalized and punctuated his messages, the hours he kept, the infrequency with which he was online, the limited emoticons in his vocabulary. They expected an ordinary man.

They got an Adonis.

When a tall blond with a handsome jaw and a heart-melting smile lifted up a sun-kissed arm and jogged to the middle of the path in front of their motley crew, Junpei figured a stranger wanted their attention to ask for directions, for the time, for someone to take his picture in front of the lake for his beautiful wife and children back home. Instead, he asked, “Are you my guys? It’s Carlos.”

Junpei went into a short daze as everyone exchanged smiles, laughs, handshakes, and names. He only came to when a warm hand was holding his, firmly, and he heard Carlos saying, “Epsilon, right?”

He tried not to cringe as he immediately cut in with his real name. Sneering, Sigma slung much too familiar an arm for Σpsilon, though perhaps not for Dogfish, across Carlos’s shoulders. “Gang’s all here,” he said. “Ready to play hide-and-seek?”

Carlos pointed some distance down the bank, his finger revolving around a vague gesture. “That’s where the coordinates you gave us are at,” he said. “Not sure what we’re supposed to be looking for, but… guess that’s where we start.”

“What is this, a scavenger hunt?” Aoi muttered. He gave a small nudge to point Light in the right direction, then they were stepping (and swishing and tapping) towards the rendez-vous point.

“I mean, his phone should still be here, right?” Sigma said, then glanced at Junpei. “Unless it moved since yesterday.”

Then everybody was looking at Junpei. And Junpei was looking at Sigma, envisioning what it would be like if his fist went through the teeth of that smug grin. Unseen from the back of the group, Sigma rolled his eyes and mouthed, “Check your phone.”

As Junpei dug it out of his jeans pocket with noncommittal stutters about how he wasn’t sure he was going to be able to check on it from his phone, Light, and then Aoi, peeled away from their small crowd. The preview on Junpei’s lock screen was a friendly “😘” from Σpsilon. When he opened the full chat, Sigma’s previous two messages read “dw its still there” and “we good bro”.

“Nope, yep, nothing changed,” Junpei offered, shoving the phone back away. “So… uh, it’s here. Somewhere. Yeah.”

Sigma’s hand was large enough that when he planted it on top of Junpei’s head, he could clamp onto the temples with his fingertips and, with a pivot of his wrist, turn Junpei around, pointedly ignoring the whine he got in response. Light had stopped walking several paces ago, with Aoi by his side. Both Carlos and Sigma had stopped to watch Light trace his cane over a brick at the edge of a patch of concrete. Aoi stooped down, gently lifted the loose brick, and let out a low whistle. He held up a small, black rectangle, glinting in the sunlight in the pattern of a cracked screen.

“Whoops, hope it was like that before it got trapped under a brick and stepped on for a day and a half,” said Sigma.

There were only two pieces of information they could get from the phone, and those were the following: first, it still had the default branded image set as the background; second, it was locked with a password of indeterminate length. Aoi handed it to Junpei to examine first, under the impression, of course, that this was the techie Σpsilon and not the dumbass Dogfish. Junpei passed the phone off to Sigma after pretending to putter over it for a little while, when in reality his brain kept repeating the thought that the last person to hold this phone before him and Santa had been his DM.

“Maybe there’s a password in that shit I downloaded,” Sigma said, frowning. “That’s on my laptop, though.” He followed that up with a quick glance at Junpei, who rolled his eyes.

“Aight, so we bring this shit back to the hotel and do some honest-to-god detective work?” Aoi said.

Although Carlos hadn’t stopped smiling since they first met him, now it faltered into something more skeptical. “You don’t think we should just turn this into the police and see if they can help us?”

“Nope, cops are evil,” Sigma replied, peering into the phone’s microSD slot.

“That can be plan B,” Aoi said. “Tell you what I do know about cops, they’re slow if you don’t got enough info for them to do shit. We go to them if we can’t get to the bottom of this, or we get to the bottom and there ain’t anything else we can do.”

“Before heading to the hotel,” Light said, “perhaps we could investigate the area further to see if there’s anything else here for us to find? And, of course, by ‘we’, I mean ‘you’.”

“You’re the one who found the phone in the first place!” Aoi said, giving him a shove.

“Pair off, split up, and search?” suggested Carlos.

When Sigma slung an arm across Carlos’s shoulders, Carlos’s smile did that uncomfortable twitch again. “I’m goin’ with my buddy,” Sigma declared.

“I’m with Light,” Aoi said with a shrug.

Junpei flicked his eyes between the two pairs. “Well, I probably trust myself alone about as much as you guys do,” he muttered, and with a glance at Sigma and Carlos, he added, “and I definitely don’t trust you two alone.”

Sigma’s grin was one of delighted surprise, and it was a challenge. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Junpei glanced around again, very aware of all the eyes on him, and wondering how to say something Σpsilon would say without compromising on the fact that he hoped Sigma would drop dead on the spot.

“You know.”

Maybe Σpsilon would have said it with a cheeky smile instead of a shrug. It looked like Sigma certainly said everything with a cheeky smile, and it was starting to get on Junpei’s nerves.

Chapter Text

# general-chat

# the-dungeon

santa Today at 3:28 PM

ayo shitheads who has the phone.

dms phone. i passed it to one of you.

Σpsilon Today at 3:32 PM


imagine if we lost that shit rn after all that

santa Today at 3:33 PM

can you fucking ask your guys if they got it. with your fucking mouth.

Σpsilon Today at 3:34 PM

i think doggies got it but hes takin a piss

Dogfish Today at 3:38 PM

Never call me that again

Actuall.y Never speak to me avgain

Never speak about me. NEver think about me. Go get hypsnosis and erase everym emory of me from your mind

Yes i have the phoen

Carlos Today at 3:39 PM

They're getting along well, I promise.

Σpsilon Today at 3:39 PM

i lov sigma ❤❤❤❤

Dogfish Today at 3:39 PM

Yuo are dead

Σpsilon Today at 3:40 PM

say that to my face >:3

Carlos Today at 3:41 PM

He said it to Junpei's face.

santa Today at 3:43 PM

god i cant even fuckin keep you guys straight.

whos junpei, whos sigma, who gives a shit, youre both fuckin idiots.

Dogfish Today at 3:44 PM

I am junpei

Σpsilon Today at 3:44 PM

im straight

Carlos Today at 3:45 PM

Dog is Sigma. Epsilon is Junpei.

santa Today at 3:46 PM

can we just fuckin call you guys your handles. everybody else i can keep straight except you fsr.

Dogfish Today at 3:46 PM

Absolutey not

Σpsilon Today at 3:47 PM

what if like

i call u dog

but its like yo dawg whatsup

Dogfish Today at 3:47 PM

Hm what if you did

santa Today at 3:48 PM

are you even fuckin lookin around or just texting each other

get a room.

Σpsilon Today at 3:48 PM

you already got us a room ;o

Dogfish Today at 3:48 PM

Please gert two

Σpsilon Today at 3:48 PM

one for me and sigma and one for everybody else

Dogfish Today at 3:48 PM

Please kill me

Carlos Today at 3:50 PM

I'm actually looking, don't worry.

You guys had any luck?

santa Today at 3:51 PM

nah. dont even know what to look for. kind of a shitshow.

hotel room opens up soon if yall wanna call it quits and head over.

can take 2 cars and shit. carlos you got room for 3 right.

Σpsilon Today at 3:52 PM

yea lmao wtf are we even looking for

Dogfish Today at 3:52 PM

My frined

Σpsilon Today at 3:53 PM

this is so weird like

it would make sense if discord used wysiwyg font style shit

and dog is like

stuck on bold

but no

hes putting the fucking double stars around every message for the past 5 messages

Dogfish Today at 3:54 PM

Hell yeah i am

Σpsilon Today at 3:54 PM

also he obv doesnt have spellcheck on but he still has auto capitals

Dogfish Today at 3:55 PM

No i specificaly captilize the first leteer of everyt mesage

Σpsilon Today at 3:55 PM


Dogfish Today at 3:55 PM

Thank you

Finally some god damn respect aroudn here

Carlos Today at 4:01 PM

Just saw your message, Santa. No thanks to these guys.

What time is the room ready? How far's the hotel?

santa Today at 4:05 PM

dmed you details.

my names spelled aoi btw.

Carlos Today at 4:07 PM

Hah. Saw right through me.

Snake Today at 4:13 PM

Hello, everyone. Aoi is now driving, so I'll be in charge of our communications for the duration of the voyage.

Okay this is Alli guys you have got to get a load of this screen reader shitty literally says the punctuation and capitalization for everything he had to spell my name out loud

Σpsilon Today at 4:16 PM

ooooo whos alli

is she hot

did light pick up a hot chick

Dogfish Today at 4:17 PM

God if dm was here i would make him change santas username right now

Snake Today at 4:18 PM

Aoi is very amused by my phone's rendition of Sigma's messages.

Σpsilon Today at 4:19 PM

ok light im gonna send a message in like a min can u make it read out loud

Snake Today at 4:19 PM

If it so pleases me.

Σpsilon Today at 4:20 PM

4️⃣2️⃣0️⃣ 🅱LAZE IT 🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🌿🔥🌿🔥🌿🔥🌿🔥🌿🔥🌿🔥🌿🔥🌿🔥🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

Snake Today at 4:22 PM

Hey this is Santa I hate you

Σpsilon Today at 4:22 PM


Dogfish Today at 4:22 PM

What does that even sound like

Snake Today at 4:24 PM

I would be happy to play it again for all of you once we are situated at the hotel.

Estimated time of arrival is six minutes.

Dogfish Today at 4:25 PM


We are like. Fifteen minutes away

Snake Today at 4:25 PM

Losers weepers, as they say.

I have to inform you that Aoi is dreadfully easy to amuse.

Σpsilon Today at 4:26 PM

wowie owie thats gay

Dogfish Today at 4:26 PM

Are you in fuckign high school why do you call everything gay

Σpsilon Today at 4:26 PM

because my dude

that right there

is what a dude does when hes got a crush on another dude

Snake Today at 4:27 PM

I have to inform you that Aoi is swearing to kill you.

Σpsilon Today at 4:27 PM


its ok aoi

i only know bc

i have a crush on someone in gc too u////u

Dogfish Today at 4:27 PM

No you do not

Σpsilon Today at 4:27 PM

sigma i wuv u.......

and ur big stwong arms.........

i want u to **** me in the ******

Dogfish Today at 4:28 PM

I want you to die

Σpsilon Today at 4:28 PM

its ok i know youre in love w someone else in gc

Dogfish Today at 4:28 PM


Σpsilon Today at 4:28 PM


Dogfish Today at 4:28 PM


*Fuck you

Do not do this

santa Today at 4:29 PM

guys. dont fuckin talk about him when hes right there and he cant even see chat rn.

Dogfish Today at 4:29 PM

Epsiolon do not

I will kill you. I will koll you. I wi

Σpsilon Today at 4:29 PM

hey wait aoi your eta was 6 min

its only been 5 min

are u texting & driving or are u speeding :'(

Dogfish Today at 4:29 PM


santa Today at 4:34 PM

aight whoever kills who idc. bring the bodies up to room 452.

Σpsilon Today at 4:35 PM

yea im dead

sigma beat me to a pulp :'(

hes too beefy

its not fair

Dogfish Today at 4:37 PM

Why do you exist

Why has god not smited you for your sins

Σpsilon Today at 4:37 PM

too small

he tries to strike me down btu the thunderbolts keep missing

Dogfish Today at 4:37 PM

God you can strike me down instead

I will take it

Just kill one of us please

Carlos Today at 4:41 PM

Well, for better or for worse, we all made it here in one piece.

Be up in a few minutes.

santa Today at 4:44 PM









Dung Meister