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Noot Noot Motherfucker!

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Dumbledore looked at the sight before him. Snape was standing in the middle of his classroom looking flustered and irritable, Neville Longbottom was standing meekly next to him chewing his lip nervously with his head down, the rest of Snape's class had been evacuated... the only other person in the room was a young boy around the age of five running, around completely nude and giggling to himself.

"Potter, stop that immediately!"

"Now, now Severus. Let him play while we discuss what happened." Dumbledore's eyes gleamed with amusement.

"Headmaster, I do not want him running around my classroom... especially naked."

"You're right, he's probably cold."

'Yes, that was exactly what I was thinking - not that I don't even want to see his face, let alone any other part of the obnoxious git.' Severus thought. Dumbledore scooped up Harry's clothes, shrinking them to the right size.

"Neville, I wonder if you could dress Harry for us?"

"Ye...yes sir, I mean Head...Headmaster." Neville set about dressing Harry while Severus explained what happened.

"I set them to making a de-aging potion. Surprisingly Longbottom actually managed it - probably with help from Granger - but while taking his cauldron to the sink he tripped, splashing Potter with most of it - the rest went all over the floor, which is why I evacuated the other students."

"And you can make a potion to reverse the effects?"

Severus sighed, putting a hand to his head and feeling a headache coming on. Didn't he have enough to do?

"It should be easy enough - it will take some time though and I don’t know if I have all the ingredients in stock."

"We can send Hagrid to get anything you may need." Dumbledore said, looking around the dungeon. "In the mean time, I'll transfigure that desk into a cot and well need to get him some toys."

"Headmaster, why are you doing this in my classroom?" Snape started to panic.

"You're right Severus," He breathed out a sigh of relief. "Your own quarters would be better suited. Warmer too." Snape stared this couldn’t mean what he thought it meant.

"Headmaster, I don't believe I'm quite following..."

"As this incident happened in your class, under your supervision, you are to look after him."

"Sir, you can't be serious! I'm not good with... children."

"That's what all of your students tell me. Why not think of this as a way to prove yourself?"

"I already have other things that need my immediate attention and the potion..."

"Will be easy as you've already said... I'm sure Harry won't slow you down, he could be good for you."

'Not bloody likely.'

"What about Poppy? Wouldn't she be more suited to this kind of thing."

"Poppy is a nurse Severus, not a nanny."

"I didn't think I would ever have to remind anyone of this but I am not a nanny either." Dumbledore chuckled.

"Of course Severus, but my decision is final - you will look after Harry." Snape scowled.

"Now then Neville, my boy, if you've finished dressing him you may leave."

"He still needs punishment." Snape said with a nasty look in his eye. He was angry enough he wasn't going to let Neville duck his punishment. He couldn't get revenge on Albus for sticking him with the child but he could certainly get some on Longbottom - he knew inside that no amount of detention could make up for having to look after Potter .but it was better than nothing.

"Two months detention with Filch and one hundred points from Gryffindor."

"Severus don't you think..." Albus looking up at Snape never finished that thought - he doubted anyone would if they could see the slightly unhinged look in the man's face. He just turned around suppressing his mirth and left, followed shortly by Neville, leaving just Snape and Harry alone in the potions dungeon.

"Listen," Snape shouted sharply. Harry, somewhat startled, looked up quickly. "There will be rules while you are in my care and punishments. I'm sure you will be well acquainted with them... you don't stick to any rules when you're older, so I doubt you will now." Harry was just looking up at him blinking. Listening surprisingly respectfully. "There is to be no running around or acting like an idiot. I know you're fond of adventures but you will ask permission before going anywhere. If you need something you will ask me. Never touch any of my belongings. No swearing. No sweets or anything sugary, you seem to have enough energy as it is, and finally when I tell you to do something you will do it. I am in charge and while I don't like this arrangement here we are. Now for your punishments..."

"Can I watch TV?"


"It wasn't on the list: no running, no being an idiot, ask to go somewhere or if I need something, don't touch your stuff, no bad words, no sweets and always do what you say." He counted them off on his fingers as he said them. 'Did he actually listen? Well I'm shocked.' Snape thought.

"But no TV wasn't on there. I'm not allowed to watch it at home but sometimes I sit outside the living room and listen to it, it sounds fun, Dudley likes it."

Severus watched the child talk animatedly about something so mundane.

"Electronics don't work here."

"Oh, okay." Harry nodded looking disappointed. Snape felt a tiny bit sorry for him. "Sorry I interrupted you." The little puppy dog face that looked as though it was fighting back tears tugged at the heart Snape thought had shrivelled and died years ago. It wasn't bratty - that would be throwing himself on the floor and demanding one. Harry was just sad. Severus sighed.

"I'll see what I can do, but I'm not promising anything. Also, I need to finish what I was saying first." Harry nodded smiling happily again. Severus ignored the warm feeling bubbling inside him 'probably just heart burn.'

"Thank you sir."

"Yes, now back on track. Swearing will result in soap in your mouth, while the breaking of the other rules will result in a time out - the length of it will depend on the severity of the breach."

Harry nodded. "That sounds fair." He stated, Snape nearly fainted. He knew he had been de-aged but he didn't expect the complete flip of personality.

* * *

Much to Severus' surprise Harry stuck to his rules, sitting quietly looking through the book Snape had given him - he knew he wouldn't be able to read it but it had several pictures to keep Harry entertained. Severus himself was looking for the potion to turn Harry back to normal. which would be a lot easier if the authors had included indexes but no... so now he has to go through thousands of pages.

After about an hour and a half he looked at Harry who looked as though he was ready to fall asleep. 'Oh yes, children nap during the day.'

"Are you tired Potter?" Harry nodded. "Didn't I say to tell me if you need something?"

"Are you gonna put me in time out?" Sighing, Severus picked harry up. "No. I don't suppose I will."

He took Harry to his room's close by and found Albus had already been. There were several things set up for a child but Snape was most interested in the bed as that's what Harry needed right now. He went to lie Harry down before realising he wasn't dressed for bed.

"Hang on, I need to find you some clothes." He found some in a box on his desk and chose the red footie pjs.

He jumped about six foot in the air when he turned around and was greeted with the face of Dumbledore.

"You... Are trying to kill me?" Snape accused.

"No Severus, I merely apparated in when I heard you were in here."

"How did you hear that?"

Albus held up a device rather like a walkie talkie.

"A baby monitor." Snape said

"So you can hear him when you're away."

"Yes." Snape turned away to change Harry. "Actually Headmaster they're electric aren't they? But it works here?" Harry looked up.

"Yes, just a bit of magic. Why?"

"Harry was asking about television."

Dumbledore gave him a blank look, rather like a horse that had been asked to book a holiday.

"A muggle device like a radio with pictures."

"Oh well, I'm sure we can find him one."

* * *

It took a few days but finally they got a TV. Despite being able to use a spell so they could watch things on it, it couldn’t be connected to cable or satellite - it could however play videos, Harry's favourite of which was Pingu. Despite the happy look in Harry's eyes and the 'heart burn' Severus kept feeling, it was really grating on Severus and in the end someone had to be sent out to fetch headphones just for his sanity.

Speaking of grating there was the other children; several students were trying to get in to have a look and a laugh at Potter, and Harry's friends kept coming to check on him - the know-it-all with 'helpful' information and the ginger with sweets and bad influences. The first day Weasley had given him a chocolate frog - despite the rule Harry ate it, resulting in a time out for five minutes at which Weasley put up more of a fuss than Harry did. Instead of accepting Harry wasn't supposed to have sweets he made it his life's mission to dose Harry up with as much sugar as possible, he only stopped when Snape, very fed up, started doling out detentions. Snape knew he could only go so far in blaming Harry - any child would be tempted by the selection Weasley had... wasn't he supposed to be poor. He also swore too much - although what he said wasn't too bad it wasn’t the kind of thing he wanted Harry picking up - and Ron had been sent out several times after saying things he wasn’t supposed to around Harry.

To his credit Harry hadn't repeated any of the words Ron said - he had however stuck up for Snape when ever Ron spoke ill of him.

"It must be boring being stuck with the greasy bat of the dungeon." Though Ron had lowered his voice Severus still heard him, even though he pretended not to. Harry looked confused.


"Yeah, don't you think he looks like one?"

Harry shook his head before staring at Snape tilting his head.

"Penguin." He finally decided.

Severus hearing the conversation understood that as the praise it was, Harry loved penguins because of that program.

"Haha yeah, that's great! why didn't I think of that?" He laughed loudly Snape rolled his eyes Harry still looked confused.

* * *

Harry was giggling rolling in his bed clearly not tired.

"Noot! Noot!" He laughed kicking his legs.

"Harry stop! I need to put your pjs on."

"Not tired."

"Be that as it may its night-time, you need your pjs on."

Harry sighed dramatically but stayed still. Snape smiled slightly.

"Noot! Noot!" Harry started giggling again while Snape zipped him up.

"Harry." Snape said in a warning voice.

"You say it." Harry implored.

"No." Snape said, inwardly cursing getting him a TV.

"Pwease." Harry said doing his puppy dog eyes.

"Still no."

"Pwease, Penguin."


"I'll go to sleep."

"You'll do that regardless or you'll get a time-out."

"That's not fair."

"Yes it is. It's a rule - you do as I say or you get a time out."

"You're mean."

"You're spoilt... go to sleep."

"Okay." Harry conceited snuggling down. "Night night, Penguin."

"Good night Harry."

* * *

During the night Severus woke up. He yawned, getting up to check on Harry who was conspicuously quiet.

He was gone! Snape panicked. 'Who would have taken him?' he thought quickly... the list was quite long. He noticed though that Harry wasn't the only thing missing, the other baby monitor was gone too. He ran to the one he always kept in his office he grabbed it listening intently.


For fucks sake! Voldemort. That bastard, of course it would be him.

"Does this please you my lord?"

Lucius! I guess Draco's been writing home. They're probably at Lucius' house.

He apparated to Lucius', knowing exactly where they would be. Lucius had a private room for business - it had wards on it of course and silencing charms, but that didn't matter... he was keyed into the wards and the baby monitor let him hear everything that was going on.

He opened the door quietly. Lucius and Voldemort had their backs to him, but Harry could see him.

"PENGUIN!" He shouted happily, though his voice was raw and croaky from crying.

"What?" Lucius and Voldemort looked at each other before turning around.

"Noot noot motherfucker!" Snape shouted killing Lucius, while Voldemort got away. He doubted he'd be back for a while. 'Either way, thank Merlin that worked, those would have been terrible last words'  he thought running to Harry, scooping him up and cradling him carefully.

"Are you okay? Did they hurt you?"

Harry shook his head.

"I took this so you'd know where I was." Harry explained, holding up the baby monitor.

"I know. You were very clever."

"They didn't know what it was."

"No they wouldn't."

Severus apparated them back to the school.

"I don't like that. It's weird."

"Apparating? Yes it is a bit."

"Severus! There you are, I was beginning to get worried."

"Harry went missing, Lucius and Voldemort had him, Lucius is dead now. You're telling Draco."

"I see... and what of Tom?" Severus shrugged, Albus nodded, Harry laughed.

"Penguin said Noot! Noot!" He laughed.

"I think he's hysterical or in shock... I'd better put him to bed. Goodnight Headmaster." Severus said quickly, blushing and running off. Dumbledore just laughed at the display.

* * *

Snape's potion was ready only a few days later. He was going to miss the little guy (not that he'd ever admit to it) but at least things would be back to normal. He put a few drops of the potion on Harry and waited, it only took a few seconds and the boy was back to full age. His little Harry clothes had been taken off and a regular robe wrapped around him to keep him somewhat modest.

"Your clothes are on that table, Potter."

"Thanks sir, should I go into the other room?"

"If you would like to but it's hardly necessary. I've been bathing and dressing you for over a week and trust me, I won't be looking."

"Alright then." Harry said, turning around while Snape went back to work.

"Thanks for looking after me and everything." Harry said awkwardly.

"It wasn't exactly my choice Potter... But you weren't as bad as I expected." Harry raised an eyebrow 'did Snape just compliment him?'

"Okay then so... I'll go."

"All right."

"Bye Penguin."

"Goodbye Harry."