“But now I … I wake up every day, and I find that I love you more than I did the day before.”
“I love you…”
A small smile graced his lips and I could see he was trying to hold back tears. My sweet Jamie. This was the man I married. We’d butted heads a bit since arriving at Lallybroch, but he was still the sensitive and loving man I had given my soul to, and left everything behind for.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and let him carry me to the bed. My heart swelled, and I felt tears spring to my own eyes with the knowledge I had just said ‘I love you’ for the first time and meant it with every fiber of my being. I had loved Frank, and I had meant it when I told him so, and part of me still did love him, but this was different. I had never felt a connection so powerful to another person.
I had fallen in love with Frank as a girl. I had been in awe of him, smitten by his good looks and intelligence. I had felt cared for, taken care of, but then I realized during the war I could take care of myself. Looking back, I think that was what made me feel so disconnected to him once we reunited. I had returned from the war a woman.
With Jamie, I was in a foreign land, surrounded by strangers, without the comfort and safety 1946 had to offer, and very much in a place where a woman needed to be cared for. Yet, I felt stronger and more confident than I ever had with Frank. I had fallen in love with Jamie as a woman.
When we reached the bed, instead of falling under his weight, I braced myself against his shoulders and climbed backwards up onto my knees, still embracing him. The soft mattress sank beneath my shins and I felt the cool slide of the thick blanket across the tops of my feet. With the added height of the bed beneath my knees, our faces aligned perfectly.
We kissed, urgent and hungry. His hands left my waist to caress me from thigh to arse, pausing to squeeze and kneed my warmed flesh.
I’d felt an ache all day deep in my belly, and tonight I wanted something more. The ever-present arousal of him being near was there, but in addition to that was a heavy feeling in my womb -- and a strong desire to be taken. To be penetrated. To be possessed. It occurred to me that it was a primal feeling, like my womb beckoning for a seed to be planted. Though, sadly, that most likely wouldn’t be the case.
Shaking the intrusive thought away, I broke our kiss and pulled back. I narrowed my eyes and lifted my chin to look at him. I wanted something tonight and I was going to ask for it. “Do you remember our first night together … when you turned me around and …” I trailed off, allowing for him to fill in the blanks.
“Aye…” He missed the heated look in my eyes and turned his head away from me, embarrassed.
“Well, what I failed to mention that night is ... it’s not the only way, but it is a way we could try.”
“No, no. I won’t ever ask that of you, Sassenach. I didna’ realize only a rapist … I saw a man take a woman that way plain, out in the open, that … well, it was rape, but at the time I thought it was the only way. Then when I saw Randall had ye face down on his desk…” His face clouded with the memory.
“No, Jamie.” I cupped his face with my hands. “It’s not rape. A man can rape a woman in any position.” I paused, “But you could take me that way and it would still be making love. Between us it could be very … enjoyable.”
“You can enjoy it that way? Truly?”
“I can,” I kissed him lightly, “I will.” I was careful to never elaborate on my past experiences out of respect for Jamie, but the truth was I enjoyed the position very much. And it had been a very long time since...
I rid him of his waistcoat, cravat, and helped him pull off his soft, worn shirt. His chest was warm and smooth. I allowed my hands to explore, enjoying the way his skin puckered with soft gooseflesh where my fingers trailed.
He carefully pulled the thin shawl from my shoulders and let it fall to the floor.
I slid my hands up under his kilt to find him nearly fully aroused already.
“You said you wanted me from the first moment you saw me.” I said.
“Did you have one of these the first night we rode together?” I asked, breathily.
“Aye,” he admitted with a slight blush. I stroked him gently from where the soft skin of his scrotum joined to hardened flesh, all the way to the tip where a small bit of moisture was beading. “On and off. No’ so much after I was shot, but the first night. Your arse was so warm against me. My balls ached by morning. I was scairt ye’d feel it and pull my shoulder back out of its joint. ” My ministrations helped him close the gap from nearly fully aroused to rock hard.
I laughed and smiled sympathetically. “I didn’t hurt you when I felt it that first night at Leoch.”
“Aye.” Again, he looked a slightly embarrassed. “But ye were afraid of me. Afraid I’d take what wasn’t mine.”
“No.” I shook my head to emphasize the statement. “Never. I knew even then. I knew your heart already.”
He kissed me and I removed my hands from under his kilt to attend to more important matters, ridding him of the rest of his clothing.
“I was scared of how I felt,” I continued. “You were so strong, yet not afraid to be vulnerable with me.” I undid the belt holding his kilt in place and it cascaded to the floor. He stood before me now completely nude. “I could feel the heat of your skin. I could feel the pull that exists between us. When I felt that you felt it too I…” My hands returned to his erection.
“You wanted me.” he finished for me. His hands kneaded my buttocks through the thin shift.
“Did you want me at all? The first night?” he asked, a little hopeful.
“No, not the first night,” I responded apologetically. I could barely remember what it was to not want Jamie, but that night I had felt simultaneously numb and terrified. “I was so scared and cold, but …” I said changing the subject back, “I want you now.” I kissed him, and guided one hand from my rear to between my legs. I was slippery and his fingers easily slid in slow circles, preparing, testing.
I pulled away from our kiss and shifted on my knees until I faced away from him. A thin streak of my own wetness trailed on my thigh from where his hand had just been, and I felt it cool from the chilled air against my heated skin.
I turned my head back to look at him and Jamie cupped my cheek to pull me back for a kiss. His tongue slid down my neck as I pulled away again.
“Sassenach…” his voice was strained and I knew he was getting impatient.
I ignored him and instead lifted the back of my shift up to expose the round arse he found so irresistible.
I looked back over my shoulder at him. “Is this what you were imagining when my arse was between your thighs?” I bent forward, now on all fours, and again looked back at him. The look on his face was indescribable. I continued. “What it would be like if you could just lift my shift and take me?” I arched my back a bit to push my cheeks closer to his erection and he grasped them with both hands.
His eyes narrowed and for the briefest second I worried I had teased beyond his limit. Then he grinned.
“God, yes.” He said, massaging me. “I wondered what ye would feel like in my hands. On my cock. I had no idea just how bonny and fat it would be.”
I laughed. Someday I needed to tell Jamie a statement like that would likely get him slapped in the 20th century. But there was a time for conversation, and that time was rapidly coming to an end.
I spread my legs to get lower on the bed and reached between us to grasp him in my hand and guide him to my center. I pushed back hard in one motion to bring him all the way inside. Deep. The first contact was so intense my scalp tingled with the overwhelming sensation.
“Christ, Sassenach! Claire…”
“Does it feel different?” I knew the answer.
“Aye, so deep. So deep. Christ!”
I smirked at his inability to form a sentence, and started a rhythm. He wasn’t thrusting, just holding still as I worked myself on him, letting me control the pace. I slid forward until my body almost lost its grip on him, and then would push back forcefully to take him inside once again, careful to go slowly because I was sure he would break apart.
His hands were gripping my arse so firmly there would surely be bruises in the morning. His thumbs roughly spread my cheeks apart in his grip. I looked back to see him looking down in wonder, watching himself slide in and out of my body as I moved. The way he was holding me I knew he most likely also had a full view of my anus. My cheeks flushed with embarrassment, and I resisted the urge to move his hands away. I was being silly. I had washed before bed, and he was obviously enjoying what he saw. Still, it was strange to have him staring at a part of my body I had never even seen on mys--
Before could finish the thought, Jamie quickly pulled himself from me and released his hold on my buttocks. I turned to see what was wrong to find him pinching the tip of his penis with a pained look on his face. He was trying desperately not to orgasm.
“I need a moment.” He panted.
“It’s alright. You don’t have to hold back.” Jamie had adopted the ‘ladies first’ policy to sex, which I greatly appreciated most of the time, but sometimes it was just as arousing to see that he couldn’t wait, that I could affect him so deeply.
“No. No.” He said. “Ye said ye can enjoy it this way, and ye will.” Jamie released himself and got down onto his knees in front of me. “Spread your legs, Sassenach.”
I did as I was told, and now with me flat on my back, he grasped the insides of my thighs and devoured me. His soft curls tickled the insides of my palms as I tousled his hair. His mouth was everywhere at once, finally settling on my clitoris.
“God, Jamie.” They were the only coherent words I could form in a string of moans that I”m sure were louder than I realized. One good thing about making love in the 18th century was on the occasion that you were offered the privacy of four walls, they were often made of stone.
He held me open with his thumbs and set a steady rhythm, lapping at my aroused fleshed, careful to lead me as close to the edge as possible without going over. I was so close. I could easily finish this way and then let him take what he needed without concern for me, but his earlier words echoed in my ears.
“Stop.” I said softly.
He pulled his mouth away from my center and looked up to meet my eyes. He quickly grasped my waist and sat me up, only to forcefully flip me back over on to all fours and urge me further into the middle of the bed. He climbed up behind me.
“Claire, can you bear it if I’m rough wi’ you?” His voice was tight.
My walls clenched at his words. “God, yes. Take me. Use me.”
Just as the words were out of my mouth, he was home. Deep and urgent.
I arched my back and settled down onto my elbows to brace against his thrusts. My tender nipples swept back and forth over the cool bedspread and the sensation shot electricity straight to my core.
Jamie was grunting and panting behind me. His thrusts now unsparing, battering the ache I had felt all day in my womb. Filling me to the point of agony, desperate for release. His grip on me almost made me cry out in pain as much as his thrusts made me cry out in pleasure. I was lost.
One large hand snaked around my waist to where our bodies were joined and two calloused fingertips pinched my clitoris. That was all it took to trigger the nerve endings deep in my walls to ignite. Pleasure flooded my insides.
Somewhere in the periphery of my brain not occupied with orgasm, I realized Jamie had followed me into the abyss.
When it was over, we collapsed face down on top of each other. A light sheen of sweat glued our bodies together and my legs ached. It was blissful.
“Thank goodness for stone walls.” I said.
Jamie laughed, “Stone walls or no, Sassenach, I’m quite sure the entire house heard us.”
“Well then, at least your sister will know why I can’t walk tomorrow,” I giggled as I tried to wriggle my way out from underneath him, “... or ever again.”
We laid in silence for a few moments, catching our breath and enjoying the closeness of our bodies.
“Did that fulfill all of your boyhood fantasies?” I asked finally.
“Aye, and more. You’ve unleashed the beast in me now, Sassenach.” He squeezed me tight and kissed my neck.
I spooned up against his chest and we fell asleep with our hands clasped against my satisfied womb.