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Love Is Complicated

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“Mark,I’m going out.”

“You’ve run out already?”

“It’s none of your damn business!”

He storms out and slams the door, I forgot how cranky he gets when he goes through withdrawal. It’s been 3 months since Mimi’s death and Roger has completely fallen apart. He’s gone back to using heroin. I can’t stand watching him do this to himself, but there’s nothing I can do, I’ve tried everything, well,most of everything. I sit down on the couch and sigh. I don’t know what to do anymore. I grab for the phone and dial Collins number, hoping he’d answer. I wait patiently only for him not to answer. I set the phone down and bury my face in my hands. I wish I could help him. I hear the door open and see Roger come in, tears in his eyes. I get up and rush to him, pulling him into a hug.He nuzzles my neck while I stroke his back.

“Roger?”

He pulls away from me, looking away shyly.

“I don’t want to use anymore…”

I sighed again.

“Are you sure you’re ready?I mean, it is really difficult but just know that I’m always here to help you.”

“Yes… I’ll need your help… again…”

I hugged him again.

“I’ll always help you”

And I meant it. It’s going to be hard, but we can do it, we’ve done it before so we can do it again.

“Do we still have the medicine from last time?”

“No but I think I’ve got enough for more…”

“No! I don’t want to trouble you, you’ve already done so much for me!”

“ok…”

“Sorry…”

We became quiet for a moment before roger spoke up.

“Can… Can we cuddle… like old times”

“Yes, anything for you.”

I winked at him and smiled causing him to blush. Just like old times. We made our way to our shared bed. We only have one room and one bed, usually we share it, sometimes one of us uses the couch. He follows after me and we crawl into the bed. I instantly pull him into my chest and he sighs in contentment. I love this, this feeling I get when we cuddle, I love it. He buries his head in my chest and his shoulders begin to shake. I held him tighter and stroke his back.

“I miss her, so much.”

“I know… I do to…”

“I don’t understand why everyone I fall in love with dies!”

“I’m not dead!”

“Yet… and hey, you know my feelings for you are complicated!”

“Yeah, I know, I was just joking.”

“I’m not gay.”

“No one said you were.”

“You thought it.”

“Ok, you aren’t gay but you’re snuggling another man.”

“Sh...Shut up!”

“Okay, okay”

Another moment of silence before Roger speaks again.

“What are we going to do”

“Wait… what do you mean?”

“About this whole situation, me, you, us, Never mind, it’s whatever”

I pull away from him and looked him in the eyes.

“You know I’m here for you regardless of what happens, and your feelings are important and you can talk to me about anything.”

Before I could think he leaned in and kissed me. I rested my hand on his cheek, Roger doing the same. After a while he pulled away, we were both out of breath. Rogers face was bright red and it was really cute. I fell in love with Roger years ago when we went through out first time of him going through withdrawal. He said he started to like me when he was with April but it was and still is complicated. Which for me it is also very complicated.

“...mark… Mark!”

“Yeah sorry, I was having an internal dialog.”

“I said that I’m sorry”

“For?”

“Kissing you”

“Oh, don’t be sorry.”

“But I don’t want to get your hopes up.”

Ouch,

“Oh, okay…”

“But uhm… can I do it again?”

“Yes!”

I probably sounded to enthusiastic about it but before I can internally cringe he pulled me roughly into another kiss. I felt his tongue slide across my bottom lip and I opened my mouth granting him access. We made out for several minutes before this time I pulled away, needing air. He pressed his forehead against mine while we caught out breath.

“Roger?”

“Yes?”

“I love you”