Yoongi has struggled with anxiety and depression for most of his life. When he was younger he was constantly plagued with worries: Why does he feel like this? When will these feelings stop? What will others think of him? What will his soulmate think of him? His life consisted of simply doing enough to get through the day. Of going through the motions of life in order to appear as if nothing was wrong. But as he got older, he came to a realization—what was he doing this for? Why was he living like this, without any passion, interest, or any feeling at all besides either his constant worrying or the void of emotion that is depression? So, he decided to get help. It started with his best friend Taehyung, who was always there for him despite Yoongi’s emotional distance. One night as they were finishing dinner at Yoongi’s favorite restaurant, he told Taehyung about everything—about how he never thinks he is good enough, about how one day he is filled with worry over the smallest things, and the next day he couldn’t feel anything even if he tried. He tells Taehyung about how those nights when he can’t seem to feel anything are the worst, about how he wants to do something just to feel some semblance of emotion. He talks about how he’s considered harming himself before to feel again, but he never has. He’s too much of a coward, his mind choosing to harm himself more than any pain that could be inflicted on his body.
He continued rambling his thoughts off, all the while Taehyung listened intently from across the table. When Yoongi finally felt like he conveyed his feelings as best as he knew how, he looked up with tears in his eyes, expecting either pity or rejection from his friend. However, when he looked up Taehyung was smiling at him.
“What you think this is some type of joke? That I made this up for the attention that I never get? Well, fuck you!” Yoongi spits as he wipes his tears away angrily and starts to leave. He’s stopped by a calm hand gripping his own.
“Yoongi, I’m smiling because I know that you can get through this. If anyone can, it’s you. You already showed how strong you are just by telling me all of this.” He slowly sits back down, the warmth of Taehyung’s hand and his words calming him down enough to think straight again.
“Thank you, Taehyung” he manages to say.
After that night, Yoongi set out to make his life one that was worth living, even if he didn’t think it was at times. He was able to convey his emotions through writing them down—the words flowing together in ways that often surprised him, as before he didn’t think he was talented at anything. As he filled notebooks with his thoughts, he decided that he should put them to use somehow. This led to him enrolling in college to strengthen his skills, and hopefully do something with them eventually. Taehyung insisted that he should become a song writer, but Yoongi wasn’t sure if he was ready to share his thoughts with the rest of the world. He just wanted to be a good person—someone who he wasn’t ashamed to be, someone who could be loved by his soulmate.
Yoongi became so focused on bettering himself that he hardly had time to think about who his soulmate could be. He figured that whoever it was was busy living their own life, just as he is. He is half way through university now, with his focus being on creative writing with a minor in performing arts to appease Taehyung’s wish for him to be a songwriter. The idea actually grew on him quite quickly, and he now found himself spending most of his time in his room either writing new materials or sitting there blasting music and hoping for some inspiration. That’s why on the night before his 20th birthday, he was at his desk furiously writing possible lyrics before the ideas faded away. He was so focused that he did not realize it was nearing midnight. Suddenly, Yoongi dropped the pencil that he had been writing with. He was overwhelmed with emotions—emotions he had not felt in a while because he was so focused on his future. He could feel the walls closing in on him, getting closer and closer to where he was at his desk, and he realized just how lonely he was sitting alone in his room. The anxiety and sadness washed over him, causing him to crumple into a ball as he sunk to the floor.
What’s going on? I thought that I was getting better? He thought to himself as he struggled to take deep breaths. His therapist had taught him techniques long ago for dealing with panic attacks, so he focused on one of them to try to calm down. It did not seem to work, and he only felt the walls closing in on him as he lay there, helpless.
Why is this happening to me? he thought. Yoongi had felt these emotions before, but never ever this strong.
He woke up to his phone ringing obnoxiously on the floor next to him. Reaching out to stop the noise, he accidentally answered the call.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOONGI!!” he heard as he tried to register what was happening.
“What?” he spoke out.
“I said happy birthday Yoongi! I can’t believe it’s finally your 20th birthday aren’t you excited to figure out who your soulmate is?? How has it been? Have you felt anything yet? You know some people don’t feel anything right away so don’t worr—”
“Wait what??” Yoongi cut off who he could only assume was Taehyung. “My…soulmate?”
“Yes dummy! You haven’t felt anything yet?” Taehyung hurriedly asks. Yoongi thinks back to the night before, to the walls closing in as he tried to calm himself down on the middle of the floor.
“Uhh I think I might have felt something last night but I’m not sure” he replied, unsure of why he didn’t want to admit to his best friend what had happened. He didn’t get a chance to think about it until now, but the knowledge that those feelings were not his own is unmistakable. Even when his depression was at its worst, it didn’t even come close to what he felt last night.
Later that day, he decided to go to the university’s student health center for some help. When he left home, he also left his regular therapist, so he’d resorted to using the psychologists in training at his school for help. They were actually quite good (and free), and he had regular visits with his favorite psychologist-in-training, Jin. Usually it was just to talk to someone about his life; it was nice having someone there to listen and give advice when needed. But today was different. He walked in the room to see a visibly concerned Jin (he hadn’t been through enough training to mask his emotions completely), who ushered him towards a chair across from his own.
“Yoongi? Is everything okay?” Jin asks.
“I’m okay…but I don’t think my soulmate is” he says and then tells Jin what happened. He listens to Yoongi with the same intensity that Taehyung listened to him with when he first spoke of his depression that one night over dinner. However, this time it was not himself he was worried about, but his soulmate. When he finished explaining, he heard Jin let out a quiet sigh.
“Yoongi, I can’t say that I know how you’re feeling right now, but I can tell you that the emotional bond shared between soulmates is strong, and it only strengthens with the intensity of the emotions that a person feels. It’s been about a year since I have been able to feel my soulmate, and I can already tell that they are very caring based off of the waves of warmth that I get sometimes. But I have had many people tell me how they wake up on their 20th birthday and can hardly feel anything. This is because some people just don’t have the capacity to feel as much as others. So Yoongi, I would view this as both a blessing and a curse. You might have to suffer immensely, but it will be worth it because it will make your soulmate easier to find, right? Plus you already have some experience with these emotions, so maybe you can help them out once you meet.”
“…Right.” Yoongi replied hesitantly then thanked Jin before he headed back to his room, with a dull ache in his chest that he somehow knew wasn’t his own.
Hoseok liked to think of himself as other people’s chance at hope. He made sure that those around him were happy, whether it was by lending a helping hand or cracking jokes, and even when he wasn’t around he made himself available. His friends, and even those who weren’t his friends, would call him randomly with their troubles, and Hoseok would listen patiently and give advice to the best of his ability. He does all of this for other people because there were so many times that no one was there for him, but he makes sure that nobody knows about that part. He only shows the parts of himself that he wants to be seen—the bubbly, young college student who could almost always put a smile on someone’s face. It helps that his friends Jimin and Jin have the same type of personalities, because he can use their happiness to make up for the days when he is lacking his own.
His days shine brighter than the sun as he works hard to fill everyone with happiness, but his nights are darker than a sky with no stars. Nights are when he has nothing to distract him, no friends to lend him their happiness, and he is left with only his own thoughts as he lays in bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering.
Why is this happening to me?
The next day, Hoseok wakes up early to go for a run before his morning classes despite the bags that are evident under his eyes when he looks in the mirror. Even though he is often deprived of sleep because of the darkness that creeps in at night, he never fails to exercise. It relieves him of stress, and helps to take his mind off of things (and keeps his body in shape but whose paying attention to that). It’s because of this that he decided to go to school for physical therapy. He wants everyone to have the ability to move around and be happy if they can. Luckily, his roommate Jimin shares the same thoughts and they clicked from the beginning.
“Hoseok, do you want to come to dance practice with me today? It’s really fun! When I’m dancing I forget about all of this school stuff.” Jimin asks when he gets back from his run.
“I’ll think about it Jimin, thanks for inviting me!” he replies, knowing that he does not want to go. He hides this fact with a bright smile and a wave as he heads to the bathroom to shower and cover the bags under his eyes with some concealer.
It sometimes scares him how easy it is to convince people that he’s okay, that everything is not falling apart inside his head. It probably helps that nobody knows how he really feels. He always makes sure to rush off to the bathroom or ‘go for a walk’ whenever he feels it coming, and he always, always locks his door at night. He hopes that he is one of the few people who do not have a soulmate, because he does not want to tell anyone how he truly feels, let alone have them experience it. He still has about another year until he turns 20 and finds out if he has one or not. He hopes for their sake that he doesn’t have one.
He pushes these thoughts away as he heads towards his first class: Introduction to Psychology. It’s one of the general education requirements for his physical therapy degree, but he enjoys it the most out of all of his classes this semester. That’s mostly because Jin is the teacher’s assistant. Like Jimin, he and Jin clicked instantly after they first met. Hoseok went up to introduce himself on the first day, and to offer his assistance if he or the professor ever needed it.
“Well aren’t you the sweetest thing!” Jin said. “I actually do need some help with my internship, if it’s alright with my supervisor.” He looks over to the professor, who nods her head.
“Looks like we’ll be seeing more of each other then!” Hoseok says with a smile. “Here, put your number in my phone so I can let you know when I’m available.”
Ever since then, they meet up in the student health building to file papers and conduct research for Jin’s degree. It really doesn’t feel like work, because they talk about anything and everything. Jin is not his psychologist (and he never would be because Hoseok would not risk his secrets getting out like that to anyone), but talking to him sure feels a lot like he is. Jin always listens intently and his kind nature makes it hard to be upset. People like him are part of the reason why Hoseok hides all of his emotions and works so hard to be nice to everyone. He wants to be like Jin—he wants to be the real deal—he doesn’t want to just pretend to be happy, he wants to actually be happy.
"Say anything//Anything hurts less than the quiet"-Troye Sivan
As Yoongi walks across campus to his room, he continues to think about what happened the previous night. The bond between two soulmates only allows for them to sense each other’s emotions, making sure that the emotions don’t leak over and affect the person who is sensing them. However, he was definitely affected last night. Perhaps it was because he had felt similar emotions before from himself, or perhaps his soulmate was suffering too much for it to be contained to one person.
Before he can hurt his brain even more with all these thoughts, he decides to text Namjoon. They met last semester in one of his writing courses, and the thoughts that the other man shares sometimes shake Yoongi to his core. And that is exactly what he needed right now in order to breathe some clarity into his situation.
Me: hey can we meet up after your class gets out? I have something I want to talk to you about
Namjoon: Sure, man! Is everything alright?
Me: yeah. Is starbucks okay?
Namjoon: Sounds perfect. See you in ten.
He walks into Starbucks and orders the cheapest coffee they have while he waits for Namjoon. As he waits, he eyes what must be the new barista behind the counter. His movements are careful and somewhat awkward, but when he smiles at the next customer, the room lights up. Yoongi is lost in this thought when he is suddenly interrupted by Namjoon staring at him as he stares at the barista.
“He’s cute right?” Namjoon asks, with a teasing smile on his face.
“Uh… yeah, sure,” Yoongi mutters and looks away quickly.
“So, what was it you wanted to talk about?” Namjoon asks as he takes the seat across from him.
“I just wanted to ask your thoughts on soulmates and the connection between them” he says as he watches Namjoon carefully, waiting for a response.
“Wow, seriously? I don’t think you’ve mentioned soulmates once since we met, Yoongi”
“Yeah…I’ve been pretty focused on school and stuff so I haven’t really had time to think about it.” He looks down at his coffee for a moment.
“I’m working on a story for one of my writing classes and I want to get a better idea of what people think about the bond so that I can write about it properly. I was hoping you could help because you’re a writer too, but you seem to know more about stuff like that than I do.” Again, he’s not sure why his brain decided to hide the fact that his soulmate was suffering. The lie just seemed to tumble out of his mouth; perhaps he himself wasn’t emotionally ready to admit that his soulmate might be fucked up.
Namjoon looks around the room thoughtfully, probably formulating the correct way to phrase what he was about to say.
“Well, I haven’t turned 20 yet so I can’t really give you a comprehensive view on the whole thing, but I can tell you some observations I’ve had over the years.”
“Okay, okay anything will help! I’m just really…stuck right now and I don’t know how to proceed.” Yoongi tells him.
“I think there’s many ways that you can look at it. At first glance, many people are not affected by it at all. When they turn 20, they don’t really feel that much different. That’s because most people don’t experience tragedies or the best day of their lives every single day. Everyone is just living their life, hoping that maybe they will come across their soulmate. How they expect to do that when they don’t have a lot of emotion to be sensed is beyond me, though.” He rolls his eyes.
“But when you look closer, you can see that everyone is deeply impacted by the bond. People have become timid, they are afraid to have their soulmate know when they are suffering, so they try to distract themselves and hide their emotions from everyone including themselves. But this only creates more problems. Yes, your soulmate doesn’t know that you just had a bad day, but they can still sense something. But now that you’ve tried to hide from yourself, the emotions aren’t strong enough for your soulmate to sense them and try to find you.”
Yoongi remembers back to when he tried to hide his emotions from himself. Those were dark days, but now that he knows himself better and is not afraid to share his emotions, he hopes that his soulmate will be able to find him. It should be easy for them to sense him if everyone else is really as timid as Namjoon says.
“It’s because of this fear, of this hiding, that the majority of people do not find their soulmate. And for those who do, it is often long after they have given up hope on actually searching out for their soulmate. It happens gradually—the person you started a fling with to pass the time until you figure out who your soulmate could be is suddenly smiling when you’re smiling, and crying when you’re crying. Once they realize they’re soulmates, things can change either for better or for worse. I’ve seen many couples live extremely long, happy lives knowing they finally found their soulmate, but I’ve also seen families torn apart. I’ve seen a wife sense her husband being happier than he had ever been—happier than he had ever been when he was with her—and when she asked him about it, he denied anything happening. It wasn’t long after that that she found out he had been cheating on her.”
“Is that something that happened to you?” Yoongi asks curiously, hoping that it is not a sensitive subject.
“No, but it did happen to a friend of mine. I don’t think he’s been the same since.”
“Hmm,” Yoongi ponders. “So, if you can sense your soulmate’s emotions strongly, then they should be easy to find, right?”
“Not necessarily. It is easy if those emotions are happy, because nobody can outwardly hide their joy. But if the emotions are bad—if they are sadness and despair, many people are able to act like they are perfectly fine on the outside. Maybe not genuinely happy, but happy enough that nobody can tell what’s really going on.”
“Well, I guess I should have known that much,” Yoongi mutters to himself.
“What was that?” Namjoon asks.
“Oh, nothing. I think you really helped me Namjoon. I may have some more questions for you as I start writing my story.”
“Alright, just let me know. I’m always here if you need to talk, Yoongi.” Namjoon stares at him with an intelligence behind his gaze that kind of scares Yoongi.
As he continues his day, he starts to become accustomed to that familiar ache. It is so similar to what he is used to, yet different at the same time. Sometimes he is surprised by a pang of loneliness, or even occasionally a feeling that he can only compare to a warm ray of light. He has no idea who his soulmate could be, but whoever it is has him preparing for a literal emotional roller coaster.
In order to distract himself from his own thoughts (and keep up his happy image), Hoseok has taken it upon himself to help his friends find their soulmates. Jin has been able to sense his soulmate for a year now, so whenever he talks about what his soulmate is feeling, Hoseok can’t help but think of people he knows who could fit what Jin is describing. He talks about someone with a kind soul who gets hurt sometimes, but doesn’t let that stop them from being happy.
“Don’t you think you’re reaching a bit?” Hoseok asks one day as they’re organizing stacks of papers. “Almost anyone could have those emotions, what makes you so sure that they are such a good person?”
Jin stares at him for a moment. “I don’t know, I can just sense it.” He says with a gentle smile on his face.
Well, he is a psychologist Hoseok thinks.
“Yeah, you’re probably right. I’m sure that whoever it is is an amazing person just like you are.” Hoseok says, shooting Jin one of his signature smiles and hoping that the questions didn’t bother him.
As the weeks go by and Jin continues to tell him about what his soulmate is feeling, Hoseok can’t help but think that Jin’s soulmate could be Jimin. He had introduced the two soon after he met Jin in psychology, and the three of them had become pretty close since then. But Hoseok is roommates with Jimin, so he knows him much better than Jin does. He knows that Jimin is like a warm cup of coffee on a cold day, something that is so sweet and comforting that you can’t help but be drawn into it. Jimin always has a smile on his face, just like Hoseok does, but the difference between the two is that Jimin’s is not fake in the least. He genuinely cares about himself and those around him, and Hoseok wishes to be like Jimin as well.
Hoseok’s care for others around him is genuine, but when he smiles he knows that there is something missing: the part that loves himself. However, Jimin does not have anything missing. In fact, he has so much positivity that it leaks to everyone around him, soul bond or not. This is why Hoseok thinks that Jimin could be Jin’s soulmate. He thinks that maybe all those comforting feelings that Jin feels are Jimin’s happiness being transferred through their bond. The part that troubles him, though, is how Jin mentioned that his soulmate does have bad feelings sometimes. Hoseok has never seen Jimin upset, and if he has then Jimin is even better at hiding his emotions than he is himself.
Hoseok decides to try to set the two up, because even if they’re not soulmates they can still get to know each other better. He knows that their happiness is contagious, and the two would be unstoppable if they’re together.
After he gets back from his classes, Hoseok heads to his dorm.
“Jimin?” He calls out as he unlocks the door.
“Yeah I’m right here” Jimin calls out.
“Do you still have dance practice some days? I think I’d like to go with you this week.” Hoseok asks, hoping that maybe after they get out of practice they can grab dinner or something, where he may or may not invite Jin to meet them there.
“I actually have one tonight! Would you be okay with that?” Jimin asks excitedly.
“Of course, Jimin. I’ll get ready now!”
When they arrive, the large room is empty except for one other person, a younger teenager by the looks of it.
“Jimin? Where is everyone? Don’t you have an instructor or something?” Hoseok asks nervously.
“Oh about that…everyone quit after classes started, and our instructor kind of left, so now it’s just me and Jungkook. We just practice our own routines and have fun with it!”
“Okay…” Well this isn’t what I was expecting he thinks as he feels a small snake of anxiety creep up his spine.
“Well, let’s get to it!” is what he says instead, smiling widely at Jimin before he introduces himself to the younger boy, Jungkook.
They spend a couple of hours just moving to the music, and Hoseok finds himself enjoying it immensely. It’s a different kind of relief than what he gets from just running—there is more emotion behind dancing, more opportunity to be yourself. Or in his case, who he wants to be. Soon, going to dance practice with Jimin becomes a regular occurrence, and so does going to grab dinner with Jin afterwards. He can feel his mood lighten ever so slightly when he moves to the rhythm of a song, or when he watches Jin and Jimin joke with each other over dinner.
I can make it through this he thinks.
What he doesn’t think about—tries not to think about—are the nights. During the day, he continues going through the motions of school, making sure to give his support to everyone who may need it, but nights are when he can’t make himself forget. He can’t forget what happened, and he can’t help but blame himself every day.
Before he knows it, a new semester is beginning. He’s grateful to Jimin and Jin for getting him through last semester, and he’s also grateful to see that their relationship has blossomed as the months have passed. One evening, as he heats up some leftovers for dinner, he catches Jimin eyeing him.
“What is it Jimin? I can tell you want to say something,” Hoseok teases him with a smile.
“You know that I know what you’re trying to do, right?” Jimin asks.
“And what exactly would that be?” Hoseok replies, even though he already knows the answer.
“You’re trying to set me up with Jin because you think I’m his soulmate.” Jimin says.
“And? What if you are? I’m just trying to get a jump on things for you!”
“Thank you, Hoseok. But I’m 90% sure that we are not soulmates.”
Hoseok frowns. “Why is that?” he asks, remembering his doubts about them actually being soulmates that he tried to bury from the beginning.
“When Jin describes what he senses from his soulmate, it never matches up with what I’m feeling. I think that’s a dead give away the he’s not the one for me.” Jimin replies, seemingly alright that he and Jin were not bonded.
“Well if that’s the case then I guess I can stop trying to set you guys up,” Hoseok laughs. “Now we just have to keep looking until we find someone for both of you.”
“Yeah!” Jimin says, gazing at Hoseok with an indecipherable look in his eyes.
The next day is the first day of the new semester. Hoseok greets everyone with a smile on his face, making sure to introduce himself to anyone he has not met already. He is actually excited for somewhat of a fresh start, with new classes and new people. So far, his favorite class is his writing elective, which he signed up for after realizing that he still hadn’t taken the performing arts credit that was required for his degree. He hoped that choosing writing over what he really wanted (dance) would help him to hide in other worlds that he creates through his own words.
After the first week had passed and everyone settled into their routines a bit, he decided that his least favorite class was ethics, yet another general education requirement. He thought it would be like glimpsing into the minds of other people and seeing why they make certain decisions, but instead it was the whole class arguing about whatever topic the professor gives them. He always chooses what he thinks is the best side—the option that would make the most people the happiest—and fights for it like there is no tomorrow. He wants to work hard so that everyone else can be happy, even if those people are just hypothetical ones made up by the professor. The class frustrates him to his core, but he does not let it show as he struggles to explain his side to the class, making sure to emphasize all of the positives.
If only he could fight for his own well being like he fights for that of these made up people.
"In total darkness I reach, I reach out and touch"-Troye Sivan
After his talk with Namjoon, Yoongi can’t stop thinking about what he said. He thought that soulmates were forever, and that the bond helped couples to understand each other better. So why is it that the couple Namjoon told him about ended up like they did? What if his own soulmate decides that they don’t like Yoongi’s emotions? That won’t happen because they’re soulmates, right? Right, he tries to convince himself. It’s no use worrying over something that probably hasn’t even happened yet. He doesn’t even know if his soulmate can sense him yet or not, but he gets the feeling that they can’t.
Instead of worrying, he continues his appointments with Jin in order to maintain his own emotions. Maybe this way when his soulmate senses him, he can help a little bit instead of just spreading his own negative feelings. He also calls Namjoon a couple of days after their meeting, still under the pretense that he needs more information for his story that doesn’t exist.
“Hey man, what’s up?” Namjoon answers.
“Nothing much, I’m just still stuck on this story. Would you be able to tell me a little bit more about that couple that you mentioned?”
“Couple? You mean the one where the husband cheated?”
“Yeah,” Yoongi answers. “I can’t stop thinking about it because I just figured that most soulmates who actually meet end up happy forever. Why else would we have this emotional bond thing? It just seems stupid to me now that I know that something like that has happened before.”
“Yoongi, are you sure there’s nothing you want to talk about? It seems like you’re having an early mid-life crisis.”
“No! ... No, I just want to know more. I feel like I’ve been trapped in a bubble all my life.”
“Hmm, alright.” Namjoon says. “Well, it should make you feel better to know that that couple is literally one in a million. Soulmates are almost always happy together, that is why we have soulmates after all. But destiny can’t account for everything, Yoongi. It doesn’t account for human corruption.”
“Okay, that makes me feel a little better I guess.” Actually, not really, he thinks. "How did you find out about this couple? Did they still stay together after the wife found out the husband was cheating?”
“Like I mentioned before, it happened to a friend. Well, not directly. I was friends with the son of the couple when both of us were in high school. As far as I know, they stayed together. I’m actually not sure if the wife ever told the husband that she knew he was cheating, I found that out from the son. I’m not sure how they’re doing now, though. I moved away right in the middle of everything that was happening and I lost contact with the son. But even at the beginning of everything I could tell that the whole thing was really messed up.”
They’re both quiet for a moment.
“Damn,” Yoongi says. “I hope that they’re alright now.”
After that conversation, Yoongi tries not to think too hard about soulmates. He knows he has one, and he knows they’re suffering. God does he know they’re suffering. He’s taken up calling Taehyung when it gets really bad. He’s learned to push aside the negative emotions enough to have a somewhat normal conversation, always hoping that his friend won’t realize what’s going on.
It doesn’t matter what they talk about, really, because Taehyung’s voice always soothes him. He calls him one night, glad that his friend is in another time zone and hopefully he doesn’t realize how late it is where Yoongi’s at.
“Hey Taehyung, how are you doing?” he asks his friend, hoping that their conversation will help to curb the darkness that he’s feeling seep into his body.
“I’m doing so great, Yoongi! I’m taking so many awesome pictures, you wouldn’t believe it! You should get an Instagram so you can see them, they’re all on there.” Taehyung says, with a hint of accusation in his voice.
“You know that social media distracts me from school! Why are you trying to tempt me to the dark side?” Yoongi asks, knowing that Taehyung can hear the smile in his voice.
“Sorry! I’m just excited. I can’t believe I got a scholarship to study abroad for a whole year! There’s so much to see and I want to share it with everyone!”
“Alright, calm down there, buddy. I think your photographs are making you a little bit too excited, if you know what I mean.” Yoongi replies, teasing his friend.
“You know it! That’s why you need to see them all, you gotta get in on this action Yoongi!”
“Ah, gross!” Yoongi complains. He looks over to the window and notices that the darkness is starting to fade. “Listen, I have to go okay? I really do miss you though, it’s so empty here without a roommate.”
“That’s why you have to make friends, Yoongi!” Taehyung says, hanging up before he gets the chance to reply.
I do have friends here, he thinks.
Well, two of them.
Does his psychologist count?
Yoongi goes through his usual routine (schoolwork and writing) until it’s almost time for a new semester. He’s been trying to make new friends like Taehyung suggested, but it’s kind of hard when he only leaves his room for food or coffee. That’s why he made it his goal to befriend the new barista, who is actually not so new by this point. He sees him almost every day, so why not?
It’s harder than you would think. Every time he walks across campus to the Starbucks, he runs scenarios through his mind—things that he could say.
“I’ve had my eye on you for a while.”
No, too creepy.
“You come here often?”
No, too cheesy.
“Can you be my friend?”
No, too needy.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME he thinks as he stands nervously by the counter.
“Uh, nothing? I mean, as far as I can tell.” He hears.
Shit, did I say that out loud?
“What?” Yoongi says, looking up from where he was encapsulated in his own thoughts.
“I said, nothing is wrong with you as far as I can tell. Who knows what’s going on in there though.” The barista laughs and gestures towards Yoongi’s head.
He would be annoyed if it weren’t for the fact that this guy had some of the kindest and most innocent eyes he had ever seen.
“Would you like to be my friend?” Yoongi blurts out before he even knows was is happening.
“Yeah, sure man,” the barista smiles. “But you do know that you still have to pay for your coffee?”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. I’ll see you soon.” Yoongi hurriedly replies with what he hopes is a smile as he rushes out of the shop, only realizing as he was halfway back to his dorm that he forgot his coffee.
Why am I so awkward? He thinks, but he can’t stop smiling as he texts Taehyung to tell him he made a new friend.
Once classes for the new semester start, he continues to scout for friends in his classes. He knows it’s weird, but with his more reserved personality it is nearly impossible to make friends naturally. Thus the scouting is necessary. He also keeps his soulmate in the back of his mind, making sure to look for hints as to who it could be. Anyone who is on the on the quieter side like him is an option. After all, the emotions that he senses from his soulmate are pretty similar to his own, even if they’re way stronger. He keeps an eye out for anyone who seems like they could be being eaten up from the inside out—someone like him—but so far nobody catches his eye.
It isn’t until after the first week that he is able to really see how people around him are, because the nerves from the new schedule are over and classes are getting into the swing of things. Unfortunately, that also means more work—and more participation. He’s sitting in his first class of the day, which he thinks is way too early (it’s only a 10 a.m.). Yoongi knows that it’s ridiculous to be so tired at 10, but he has hardly been able to sleep since he started sensing his soulmates emotions.
He’s sitting in the back of the room, mindlessly writing lyrics in his notebook when something grabs his attention.
“Of course he should tell everyone! Who knows how many people could get hurt because of his selfish actions! Why is this even an argument? The choice is obvious!”
Yoongi blinks rapidly, trying to register what is happening. What had the professor asked? What was this class even about again? He mentally scrolls through his schedule.
He looks around the room as he tries to figure out what they are supposed to be discussing.
“For those of you who are just now joining us,” the professor stares pointedly at Yoongi, “we are discussing whether or not a man who has an STD (sexually transmitted disease) should tell his partner, and possibly past partners, about it.”
Now that makes more sense, Yoongi thinks as he quickly comes up with something to say so that he can get some participation credit for the day.
“Well…” Yoongi speaks up, “he doesn’t have to, because that’s his right to privacy. If he doesn’t want to share information about himself, then he doesn’t have to. People might get hurt, but isn’t that a risk that we take when we only think about ourselves?”
The room goes quiet as everyone thinks about what Yoongi said. But all he can think about now is how he can’t seem to talk to his friends about his soulmate’s emotional turmoil. Am I hurting my soulmate because I don’t want other people to know that he or she is not okay?
“Are you serious?” someone scoffed. “You’d rather protect one person over all of the people that could get hurt because of him?”
“I just don’t think that someone should have to share information about themselves that they’re not comfortable with others knowing.” Yoongi says, finally locating the source of the voice—a boy who had a fire burning behind his eyes that was brighter than any light Yoongi had ever seen.
He stares at the boy evenly. “I think everyone can relate to that at least a little bit, right?” He asks, and he could swear that the fire faltered for a second before returning to how it was before.
Yoongi wasn’t certain of many things, but he was certain that that boy was not his soulmate. The light in his eyes did not match the ache that Yoongi felt every single day—the same one that he felt during his 10 a.m. class as he watched the other student fighting for his opinion.
One down, a million to go Yoongi thought wryly.
Hoseok can already feel the knots building up in his gut as he sits down in his ethics class. He hates this class so much. Not only does he have to argue about hypothetical situations for participation credit, but he has to argue against people who obviously only think about themselves.
Today’s topic has to do with telling people whether or not you have an STD. To him, there’s only one option: tell them. So that’s what he proposes to the class.
Who knows how many people could be infected because of one person’s negligence?
How many people could get hurt?
He’s already hurt enough people. Even just one person is more than enough. That’s why when he hears what the next student has to say, he should be angry.
“People might get hurt, but isn’t that a risk that we take when we only think about ourselves?”
He should be angry at those words, at the other student’s tone, and at himself, but he just continues to feel those knots in his stomach. He can hear the other student’s slightly accusing tone only faintly, for he is too focused on his own thoughts. His thoughts of what happened all those years ago. It was his fault. It is his fault. He was selfish, just like the student said. He let his own wants get in the way of someone else, someone he cared about.
But he can’t afford to think about that now. He has to focus on this god forsaken ethics class. He looks towards the source of the comment: a somewhat disheveled student from the back of the class, who was obviously only talking because the professor noticed he wasn’t paying attention.
“Are you serious?” Hoseok asks. “You’d rather protect one person over all of the people that could get hurt because of him?” Nobody who hurts other people should be protected, himself included.
“I just don’t think that someone should have to share information about themselves that they’re not comfortable with others knowing. I think everyone can relate to that at least a little bit, right?” the boy replies.
Well shit, Hoseok thinks. I didn’t look at it from that perspective. His train of thought returns to where it was before. The student was right, he wouldn’t want to share that part of his life with anyone—he wouldn’t want anyone to know how he really feels. He quickly regains his composure, so quickly that most people wouldn’t even notice, and continues his argument just as he was before he was interrupted.
As he heads to his next class, creative writing, he can’t seem to stop mulling over what happened. Who does that asshole think he is? Hoseok thinks to himself. He did have a point, though.
Maybe the student wasn’t as unkempt as he originally thought.
All this thinking causes him to be later for class than he usually is, but he still gets there before it starts. Unfortunately, there are hardly any seats left.
“Over here!” A voice calls out while Hoseok is deliberating where to sit. When he heads closer to the voice, he is shocked to see a somewhat familiar face.
“Namjoon?” He asks hesitantly.
“Oh my god, Hoseok? I didn’t know you went to school here! You look so different!”
“Yeah, I uh…I had to get away after a while, you know?”
“Of course,” Namjoon replies with a gentle smile and many memories behind his eyes.
“Why did you invite me to sit with you if you didn’t realize it was me?” Hoseok asks, still surprised to see his friend after so long.
“I just know how much it sucks to be alone. Plus, there was an empty seat next to me,” he laughs. “You know, I’m going to be a writer now. That’s partly why I’m in this class.”
“Well, that seems like a fitting profession!” Hoseok replies with a smile. “You always were good with your words.”
“I wouldn’t go that far, but thanks, man” Namjoon replies and he looks away shyly.
“But, why are you in this course? Isn’t this for beginners?”
“Yeah, but so far my writing has been analytical or research based, nothing like poems or stories. I wanted to branch out a little.”
“Oh, that makes sense! Well, hopefully we can make some great stories this semester.” Hoseok says.
“Yeah, hopefully.” Namjoon stares at him for a little longer than usual. “We need to catch up,” he says suddenly. “I’ll give you my number and we can plan a day to get coffee or something.”
“Okay I’ll give you my number! But actually, if you want to catch up I’m free after this.” Hoseok says. He is not ready for the questions he knows Namjoon will ask, but he has to maintain his positive image.
“Really? Yeah, I’m free. I’ll just have to text my friend and tell him I’ll be a little later for our plans.”
“Alright, if it’s inconvenient then I don’t want to pressure you,” Hoseok hurriedly replies as Namjoon takes his phone out.
“Hey man, don’t worry. I haven’t seen you in forever, plus my friend is chill he won’t mind.”
“Cool, then. How does Starbucks sound?”
“Sounds good to me!” Namjoon says as class begins.
When they reach the Starbucks, Hoseok is surprised to see another familiar face behind the counter.
“Jungkook?” He asks, “I didn’t know you worked here!”
“Oh, hi Hoseok! Yeah, just for some spending money while I’m still in school.”
“Awesome!” Hoseok says as he goes to pay.
“Nope, it’s on the house today. As a thank you for helping me and Jimin with our choreo this week.”
“What, no, I hardly did anything! I just started dancing!”
“Yes, I am not letting you pay. You are better than you think, Hoseok.” Jungkook says with a smile and shoves the coffees in his hand before he can do anything else.
Hoseok knows he’s just referring to the dancing, but he can’t help but feel the dark cloud over his mind lessen just a little bit at Jungkook’s kind words.
“Okay, okay. But I’m paying next time!” He says as he heads over to the table where Namjoon is waiting for him.
“Sure you are!” Jungkook calls after him.
“What was that all about?” Namjoon asks as he sets the coffees down.
“Oh, nothing. Just some brat.” Hoseok says with a joking smile on his face. “So, how have you been?”
“I’ve been alright. Just normal college stuff pretty much. Relationships that come and go, family issues, money problems. You know.”
“Yes, unfortunately.” Hoseok replies. “You still seem okay, though. Does writing help you cope?”
“Yeah, I mean my life isn’t as hard as I just made it sound,” Namjoon says with a laugh. But when I’m feeling down I do write and it seems to help. Is that why you’re taking creative writing?” He asks with a knowing glint in his eye.
Damn, he’s even smarter than he used to be, Hoseok thinks.
“What? Nah, I just had to fulfill a performing arts credit and I figured writing would be easiest.” He replies with a smile.
He’s quicker than I thought.
“So you’re alright after what happened with your parents?”
Yep, there it is.
“Yeah, yeah,” Hoseok replies, making sure to smile even though he felt like dying on the inside. “They actually stayed together after what I told you about happened.”
“Really?” Namjoon asks, looking genuinely shocked. “Well, I guess they were soulmates after all.”
“Yeah.” Hoseok says with another smile that he hopes doesn’t look forced.
What he does not say is that there were things that he did not tell Namjoon about. Not because he was hiding them (well, he is now), but because they happened after Namjoon moved away and they lost contact. For now, he just enjoys being in the presence of his old friend, who brings back memories from before his life lost its light.
That night, after he says goodbye to Namjoon, Hoseok can’t keep the darkness out any longer. All his thoughts from earlier in the day come flooding back at full force, and he just lets the waves of negative emotion wash over him.
It wouldn’t be long until he finds out if he has a soulmate. For now, he still hopes for their sake that he doesn’t.
"This voice inside//Has been eating at me"-Troye Sivan
After class, Yoongi just went back to his room to write some more lyrics until it was time to meet Namjoon for dinner.
I should probably try selling some of these
He thought as he looked down at his almost full notebook, then over to his empty wallet. As he was pondering whether or not to find someone who would want to buy his songs, he got a text from Namjoon.
Namjoon: Hey man we’re almost done you want to meet in fifteen minutes?
Me: sounds good! Usual place?
He spent a couple more minutes perfecting his last line before getting up to wash his face and change clothes. Suddenly, a wave of grief rolled over him.
Fuck, not again he thought. It’s not even that late at night yet
Usually he can handle the emotions that he feels from his soulmate, but tonight was particularly bad. He forgot all about getting ready to leave, instead curling up into a ball on the bed, hoping for the feelings to fade. Somewhere in the distance he could hear his phone buzzing—
Namjoon: Hey man, I’m here. You on the way?
Namjoon: I’ll go ahead and get a table.
Namjoon: Listen, I’m sorry if you’re upset I moved dinner back a bit. I saw an old friend.
Namjoon: Where are you?
Judging from the fading light outside his window, it must be about an hour after he was supposed to meet Namjoon. He can still hear his phone buzzing—
Wait, that’s not his phone. It’s someone knocking at the door.
Huh? Yoongi thinks. Before he can get up, he feels something warm next to him on the bed.
“Yoongi?” A gentle voice asks.
He can hardly even move, but he knows it must be Namjoon. He can feel a hand brush his hair to the side, and a blanket spread over his trembling form.
Go away he thinks.
I don’t want you to see me like this.
He can’t seem to vocalize his thoughts, however, and the warmth stays beside him. After a while, he can feel his heart rate slow down and breathing steady. He must be slowly getting better at separating his soulmate’s emotions from his own, not that it helps much because of how strong their feelings are.
“You know, you really should lock your door,” he hears Namjoon say jokingly, yet somehow fondly, as Yoongi drifts off to sleep.
He wakes up to the smell of coffee filling his small apartment.
“Good morning,” Namjoon says as he hears him start to stir.
“Well aren’t you happy so early in the morning” Yoongi says sarcastically. Part of him can’t help but think that this is what his mornings could be like once he finds his soulmate. If only his soulmate had the same positive emotions as Namjoon.
“It’s twelve o’clock in the afternoon,” Namjoon laughs and throws some clothes at Yoongi.
“Clothes. Get dressed, we’re going to have a meeting with one of the psychologists at the student health center.”
“What? Nah man, I’m fine. That was just…” Yoongi cuts off. Do I want him to know about my soulmate? He looks up at Namjoon. Something tells him he already knows based off of the look in his eye. Yoongi sighs.
“That was my soulmate, it wasn’t me.”
“Oh, so you finally admit it?” Namjoon smiles. “I knew ever since you asked me about soulmates that one day. You’re not that sly, man.”
“Wha…you know what, never mind. What time is the meeting?”
“Ten minutes, so you better hurry.” Namjoon says as Yoongi rushes to finish getting ready.
“Are you going to come with me? Don’t you think that’s a little weird?”
“Yoongi, this whole situation is a little weird don’t you think? Well, not weird exactly…more like out of our comfort zone. Plus, you were the one who came asking for my help in the first place.”
“What!” Yoongi exclaims. “That doesn’t count, that was for a story for my creative writing class!”
“Yoongi, I’m taking that class right now, and I read the syllabus. There’s no assignment that even comes close to what you described. And I’m pretty sure that there aren’t any other classes that would have an assignment like that either. I should know after all, I’m a writing major.” Namjoon smiles smugly at him.
“Damn. Alright, you got me.”
When they get to the student health center, Yoongi is not surprised to see that their meeting is with Jin.
“You really do know everything, don’t you?” Yoongi asks Namjoon.
“What?” Namjoon looks at him, confused. “No, I just called and made an appointment for whoever was available.”
“Actually,” Jin walks in. “I saw your name on the appointment sheet and switched you over to be with me.” He looks over at Namjoon. “And now I understand why you were scheduled with someone else,” he laughs lightly.
“My name is Seokjin, but everyone calls me Jin,” he reaches out a hand. “Nice to meet you…”
“Namjoon,” Jin smiles at Namjoon, who is visibly flustered. Yoongi thinks that he sees the tips of Jin’s ears turning pink as well, but it goes away in an instant.
“So, what brings you both here today?”
“Well, Yoongi has been having some issues and I was hoping you could help him…us, to handle it better.”
Jin looks over to Yoongi, silently asking permission to tell Namjoon that he already knows about his problem.
“Yeah, you can tell him” Yoongi sighs, but can’t hide the small smile on his lips. He doesn’t know how he found such good friends (yes, he’s counting his psychologist as his friend). Namjoon looks between the two of them, surprised that the meeting that he made out of the blue in an attempt to help his friend was turning out like this.
“Okay, so as you have probably gathered, Yoongi has been able to feel his soulmate’s emotions,” Jin looks at Namjoon. “The thing is, the emotions are very strong. When we first talked, it wasn’t a huge issue, but it seems like things have been getting worse recently. Is that correct Yoongi?”
“Wait, how long have you guys known each other?” Namjoon asks, still somewhat shocked.
“I started seeing Jin when I first enrolled here. And since I talked to him about my soulmate, well, I’d have to say it’s almost been a year now.”
“Yep!” Jin says. “Well, we still have some months to go. You talked to me in March but it’s only November now.”
“Wow, I had no idea.” Namjoon says.
“Yeah, I don’t really like to talk about having to go to therapy,” he looks at Jin. “…No offense!”
Jin laughs. “No, it’s alright Yoongi, I understand. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with going to a therapist.” He looks at both of them seriously. “Even you could come talk to me if you’d like!” he says to Namjoon, who seems to be flustered again.
Geez, what is up with this dude today, Yoongi thinks.
“Anyways!” he starts, “Jin is right, it has been getting worse. I didn’t really tell you how bad it was, though. And to be honest I probably wouldn’t have if Namjoon hadn’t found me last night.”
“Yoongi,” Jin says, with a slightly scolding tone.
“I know, I know,” Yoongi says, waving his hands out in front of him. “I just, I feel bad for my soulmate, but also for myself.” He looks over at Namjoon, not quite sure if he is ready for his friend to know his secret.
Whatever, he probably already figured it out.
“I don’t want my soulmate to be feeling bad, and I don’t want myself to feel bad because their emotions are rubbing off on me. But I also don’t want to ask for help because I don’t want other people to know. I feel like emotions are a person’s choice to share with other people, but my soulmate doesn’t really get a choice if they want to share theirs with me. So I definitely shouldn’t be sharing my soulmate’s emotions with people they don’t even know, right?”
“Well, it’s a little too late for that,” Namjoon laughs.
“Shut up,” Yoongi mumbles.
“Yoongi, I completely understand how you feel. But you can’t keep living like this. If it’s alright with both of you, I’d like to propose a plan.” He looks up at the two of them, continuing when they both nod.
“Yoongi, whenever you start to feel bad, whether it’s from yourself or your soulmate, I want you to call or text one of us, okay? Whoever is closer can come to help you, or we can just talk over the phone. We could even come up with a code word if you’d like, I know it can be hard to write out how you’re feeling or what you need sometimes.”
“I’m cool with that.” Namjoon replies. He and Jin look over at Yoongi, who seems to be lost in thought.
“What?” Jin asks, startled from Yoongi’s sudden exclamation.
“I’d like my code word to be fire.”
“May I ask why?”
“Well, fire is something that can bring a lot of pain, but it can also bring warmth and light. Just like my soulmate.”
They all sit there for a moment, taking in his poetic words.
“Also fire is cool.”
Thank you so much for reading everyone!
The story is definitely not over, but I just wanted to make sure that you know that the events in this story are not based directly off the emotions of members of BTS. There is no way for us to know what's going on in their heads unless they tell us directly, and also it's not really our place to know unless they want us to. Just like Yoongi says in this fic, emotions are private and a person can choose if they want to share them or not. I know we all want them to be happy but we must respect their privacy as well, same as we would with anyone else.
His bad feelings always get worse around the holidays.
That’s why Hoseok decides to distract himself even more than usual during the days so that the nights seem a little more bearable.
He tries to recruit more people for Jimin’s dance team, because to be honest their crew of three people is just not making the cut. He starts with Jin, who he knows is too nice to say no (that’s not taking too much advantage, right?).
He doesn’t even look up as two students come out of Jin’s office, focusing on how to spin their little dance crew as a learning experience that Jin absolutely has to partake in. He can already see him fawning over Jungkook and laughing with Jimin as they try to figure out some new dance moves.
He walks in to see a slightly distressed Jin fanning himself with some paperwork.
“Hey Jin! Are you alright? It looks like you might have a fever or something.” Hoseok says.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I just had a very serious meeting with one of my clients and his friend, and guess what happened!” He exclaims, exasperated.
“My….” He scoffs. “Ugh! My soulmate just decided to get all flustered! They probably saw their crush or something. Who gets so flustered so fast?? I could hardly control my own emotions so that I could stay professional! How do people do this?” He slumps back in his chair.
Hoseok just laughs, earning a glare from Jin.
“Sorry man, must be rough,” he says lightly. “At least someone is getting some action.”
“Shut up!!!!” Jin cries and throws the paperwork that he was using to fan himself at Hoseok. “Maybe they are just…shy.” He says quietly.
“Yeah, maybe they’re just shy.” Hoseok smiles and laughs a little more. “Anyways, I came to ask if you wanted to hang out with me and Jimin and one of our other friends tonight?”
“Sure! What are you guys doing?”
“Uhm…dancing?” Hoseok stares at the ground and smiles, knowing how outrageous it sounds to a psychology major.
“Yeah, well me and Jimin are kind of on this dance team, if you could even call it that.” He laughs. “It’s just the two of us and this other high school kid, so I’m trying to get some more people to join. I know it doesn’t bother Jimin, but it’s kind of pitiful to only have three people. It’s super fun though!”
“Okay…” Jin replies hesitantly. “How many other people have you recruited?”
“That one is me, isn’t it?”
“Yes!!! You won’t regret it Jin!!” Hoseok is so excited Jin just can’t help but smile and give in.
“Alright, I guess I’ll see you tonight then,” he smiles.
Hoseok leaves Jin’s office with a smile on his face, one that he feels is actually pretty genuine. He’s trying to think of other people to invite.
Hmm, I know a lot of talented people, but they are all either busy with their own stuff or not people that I would really want to spend a lot of time around. He thinks, feeling a little guilty for not inviting the people that he doesn’t really like. It’s okay, because as far as they know (he hopes), he does like them.
“Oh! I could invite Namjoon!” He says out loud, ignoring the weird looks he gets from a couple people walking by. He was so nice to me yesterday, he hasn’t changed one bit. He pulls out his phone to text the number that Namjoon gave him.
Me: Hey Namjoon, it's Hoseok! I know it’s kind of late notice, but would you want to meet up with me and some friends later tonight?
Namjoon: Sure! I’m actually really glad you asked!
Me: Awesome! Make sure you wear something comfortable ;)
Namjoon: Uh alright lol. Is it okay if I bring somebody else with me?
Me: Yes yes please do! We’ll be meeting in the old dance hall
Namjoon: Dance? Oh man what did I get myself into?
Me: Some fun that’s what!! See you later!
Namjoon: Oh gosh okay.
Hoseok smiles down at his screen, remembering all the fun that he and Namjoon used to have when they were kids. He’s so glad that he found him again. It almost makes him forget about the things that happened after Namjoon left.
When Hoseok gets back to his dorm, Jimin is so excited to hear that there will be more people coming to dance practice with them.
“Hoseok! Really? Oh my goodness you didn’t have to go out of your way to find more people! I was going to find some too! ... Eventually!”
“Yeah, eventually,” Hoseok laughs and rolls his eyes. “You already do so much for me jimin, I just wanted to do something for you too!”
“What do you mean?” Jimin pouts a little. “You do so much more for me, Hoseok! You’re like a literal ray of sunshine!”
“Nope don’t even try to say you’re not!” Jimin cuts him off before he could do just that.
He’s too good for me.
Hoseok just shakes his head and smiles.
“Alright, then. Let’s get going!”
When they arrive at the dance hall, Namjoon and Jungkook are already there.
“Hey, Jungkook,” Namjoon says, “don’t you work at the Starbucks on campus?”
“Yeah, I do! Just trying to save up, you know.” He smiles.
“Yeah man, I totally know. I also think that my friend might have a crush on you,” he laughs, remembering how Yoongi was staring at the boy when he went to talk with him all those months ago. “Don’t say I said anything about it though!”
Jungkook just laughs, feeling a little bit awkward.
“Namjoon! Are you harassing Jungkook??”
“Hoseok! No, no I was just talking!” He looks worriedly at Jungkook, who seems to be alright now that his friends are there.
“You’re fine, man I was just messing,” Hoseok says, slapping him on the back. “Where’s your friend?”
“Oh, he should be here later I think he’s catching up on homework or something.”
“Okay! Well I’ll introduce you to my roommate, Jimin,” he motions to the boy who’s trying to hide behind him.
“Hi!” Jimin says with a wave, still so happy even when he doesn’t know Namjoon at all.
“Nice to meet you, Jimin. I’m Namjoon,” he says with a warm smile.
“And my other friend…Jimin, do you know where he…”
Suddenly their eyes all turn to the door that just opened.
“Oh! There he is! Jin, this is Jungkook” he points to the younger boy, “and my friend, Namjoon.”
He notices both Jin and Namjoon turn red as they meet eyes.
“Uh, do you guys know each other?”
They answer at the same time.
“Uh…” Hoseok glances between the two of them.
Jin rushes to speak, face still red.
“Yes, we actually met earlier today.”
Hoseok looks at Namjoon quizzically, wondering why Jin said they knew each other but Namjoon said they didn’t.
“Yeah, uh, we did meet…I just wasn’t sure if I was allowed to say because of confidentiality and all that.” He looks to the side, flustered in front of the psychologist.
“Well they didn’t know where we met until you just said that!” Jin laughs, while Namjoon tries to explain himself. “Don’t worry about it though! You’re right about the confidentiality thing,” he says, noticing how embarrassed Namjoon was and naturally wanting to calm him down. Jin can’t help but feel embarrassed as well, but he couldn’t tell if it was from himself or his soulmate.
“Well!” Hoseok interjects, hoping to lessen the awkwardness. “Let’s get started with some of our old routines so you guys can learn them too! Is that alright with you guys?” He asks, looking at the two newcomers.
“Yes!” They both reply at the same time, probably thankful for the attention to be off of them.
“Namjoon, will your friend be okay with that?”
“Huh, oh, yeah,” Namjoon replies distractedly. “I kind of didn’t really even tell him we would be dancing.”
“Aw man, Namjoon! What if he’s not comfortable with it?”
“Ah, he’ll be fine. He needs to get out of his room anyway” Namjoon laughs, remembering how socially awkward Yoongi is, but also how he needs something to cheer him up after last night.
“Okay then,” Hoseok eyes Namjoon wearily as they all move to the dance floor.
After about an hour, they are all getting used to being around each other as they learn the choreography. Jimin and Jungkook are natural teachers, helping Jin and Namjoon learn all of the steps. Hoseok helps too, moving from person to person as he makes sure that everyone is comfortable with the new situation.
“Hoseok, you should consider becoming our new leader!” Jimin says, noticing how natural dancing and helping others comes to his roommate.
“No way, you and Jungkook have been part of this team for longer than me! I can’t take that away from you!”
Jimin just sighs, knowing that there’s no use arguing against Hoseok when he really believes in something.
“Alright, guess we’ll just have to wait for someone to come along then!” Jimin says, turning back to help Jin with some of the more complicated moves.
“What, no! I meant that one of you should do it!”
“Hmm…” is the only reply he gets from Jimin.
“Fine!” Hoseok says, only pretending to be exasperated with his friend. “Lets just start from the top again,” he smiles at everyone.
They are half way through the routine when the door opens again. Hoseok glances over, not really paying attention to who it is.
“Hey Yoongi!” Namjoon says as everyone else pauses to look at the person who just entered. He’s just staring at them.
“Namjoon…can I talk to you outside?” The student says with a glare.
“Oh shit.” Namjoon mumbles as he rushes to talk to the student, Yoongi.
“You didn’t tell me that we would be dancing!” Hoseok can hear Yoongi exclaim from outside the slightly cracked door.
He can’t really hear Namjoons rushed reply, but whatever he says seems to both anger and calm the other student.
He hears Yoongi sigh. “Man, this is so embarrassing. I’m pretty sure I recognized a couple of those guys too.” He says.
“Well, the least you can do is introduce yourself or something,” Namjoon says.
They both enter again, and everyone in the room busies themselves so it seems like they weren’t listening to the whole exchange.
“Hi guys. Uh, I’m Yoongi. Sorry for interrupting.” Yoongi looks around the room, eyes lingering first on Jin, then Jungkook, and finally landing on Hoseok. “Well, I know I’ll see some of you again,” he looks back over them, “and for those I won’t, good luck with all…this” he gestures around the large room and walks out the door.
Man, that guy was rude. Hoseok thinks.
Wait a minute! I know that disheveled appearance!
He rushes out the door to catch up with Yoongi, wanting to make a good impression and try to cheer the boy up.
“Hey!” he shouts out as he runs to catch up. “Aren’t you in my ethics class?”
Yoongi eyes him with a gaze that is almost as dark as the night sky.
“Hmm, no you must be mistaken.”
“No. I’m pretty sure you are! We just talked about privacy, remember?”
“Not really. Listen, I have to get going.” Yoongi rushes off, shoving his hands in his pockets.
Hoseok just stands there in shock. He knows that that was the same student that he debated with. Why did he act like he had never seen him?
He just stays still, looking up at the sky and trying to fight back his tears.
Damn it, I was doing so well today. He thinks as he turns back around to head into the building where his friends are, hoping they will be able to cheer him up again.
He misses how Yoongi pauses slightly before continuing to walk away hurriedly, with identical tears in his eyes.
Hi guys! I am so sorry it took me so long to upload! Thank you for reading! I will try to do it as much as possible just like I promised. Also if you'd like my twitter is @jen_hope21
"Light within//Numb my skin"-Troye Sivan
After his meeting with Jin and Namjoon, Yoongi heads back to his dorm to write some more lyrics and do some homework (but mostly write lyrics). He can’t help but notice that the ache he usually feels from his soulmate is absent today, so he’d like to use this opportunity to get some work done.
However, when he finally sits down at his desk, pencil in hand, he can’t stop thinking about his soulmate. He wants to find them, needs to find them so that he can try to help. At this point, he doesn’t even care how much the emotions affect him, it’s his soulmate who he’s truly worried about. Yoongi knows he can handle it, but he’s not so sure about his other half. He knows that whatever emotions he senses are not even at the full capacity that his soulmate is feeling them at, and he has never known anyone who can handle such intense emotions for an extended period of time. He also hates the fact that the only thing he knows about them is their emotions. No face, no name, no explanation as to why they feel the things they do. He has to find them.
He has been trying to keep an eye out for someone who could be his soulmate, but hasn’t had much luck. Still, he racks his brain trying to remember everyone in his classes and who he knows around campus. The possibility of his soulmate even going to his school, of living in the same city, even country as him are slim to none, but if he doesn’t do something then he’ll go insane. After making a list of everyone he can remember, he starts crossing off names, beginning with people who he knows have already met their soulmate, or people whose soulmate’s emotions do not match his own. That narrows it down a little bit, but not much. And he doesn’t even know half these people’s names.
For crying out loud, he thinks, looking at one of the ‘names’ he scrawled out on the paper.
He stares at the name for a while, remembering the boy’s heated argument from ethics class. I wish he was my soulmate Yoongi thinks as he crosses out the name.
There’s just no way. He’s too bright, too alive.
He manages to cross off a couple other names as well, people who are just too happy for their own good. No way in hell someone like that could be feeling the same emotions that he gets waves of every night.
He ends up getting frustrated and calling Taehyung for some advice. His friend answers his call with a calm, happy voice. The voice of someone who is truly enjoying their life.
“Hey Yoongi! Miss me?”
“Aw man, you know I always miss you.” Yoongi replies with a smile in his voice. “But that’s not why I’m calling. I need some help big time.”
“Help? Is everything alright?” Taehyung flashes back to the night when Yoongi confessed to him at dinner.
“Yeah, yeah, well, not really. But it’s not me…well, not exactly…”
“Yoongi, get to the point already!” Taehyung feigns annoyance.
“Well, it’s my soulmate.”
“Your what!!? Yoongi, I thought that you couldn’t feel that much from them! It’s been almost a year since you turned 20, you’re just now bringing this up??” He knows that Taehyung is hurt that he didn’t tell him about his soulmate from the beginning, but he was only trying to maintain their privacy. So much for that, he thinks.
“I know, I’m really, really sorry. I just didn’t think that they would want me sharing their emotions with other people without their consent, you know? But it’s gotten too bad the past couple of weeks, I have to do something.”
“Geez, you and your stupid morals,” Taehyung laughs.
“Hey! They’re not stupid!”
“No, I know. But how can I help? I mean, I’m kind of not even in the same country as you right now.”
“Uh…I actually didn’t really think that far, I just knew you would be able to help me somehow.” Yoongi laughs nervously.
“Hmm…” Taehyung pauses to think for a moment. “Well, my Instagram page is actually getting a lot of followers, and I have a ton of connections from when I lived on campus before and, like, high school and stuff. Maybe I can try to reach out to people who might know something? Do a bit of social media stalking?”
“Ah! That would be perfect! I can send you the list that I made of people who it could be, if that helps. I didn’t know all of their names though.”
“Sounds good! And don’t worry about it, I know more people than you think.”
“Man, I can just hear the smugness in your voice right now. But really, thank you Taehyung. Let me know if you find anything.”
“Of course! But, uh, Yoongi?”
“Who exactly am I looking for? I mean, you said that it’s gotten worse the past couple of weeks for your soulmate, but that doesn’t really give me much to go on.”
“Well, let’s just say that it’s like everything I felt when I was younger, times 10. On a good day.”
“Damn, seriously? Okay, now I can see why you’re asking for help. How have you kept this to yourself for this long?”
“Um, now that I think about it, I’m actually not sure. I think I’m just afraid that I’ll mess things up before we even meet each other, you know?”
“Yeah, I know.” Taehyung sighs. “I’ll let you know if I find anything.”
“Okay. Thank you, Taehyung, really.”
“Of course, Yoongi.”
He spends the rest of the afternoon obsessing over who his soulmate could be, and regretting his lack of social skills. At some point, Namjoon texts him to ask if he’d like to hang out later that night. He really doesn’t want to—there is no time to waste on finding his soulmate. But Namjoon helped him so much last night and earlier that day, he can’t help but feel like he still owes his friend big time. He spends a couple more hours just thinking of all the possibilities, getting more and more frustrated.
Why can’t the soul bond be something useful? It would be so much easier if I could just write on my own skin and have it appear on theirs or something. Or telepathy? No, that would be even worse than just sensing the other’s emotions.
Yoongi finally drags himself out of his own thoughts to head down to where Namjoon said they were supposed to meet. He’s late, but he assumed that they would just be chilling and drinking beers or something. Normal college stuff. He just wants to let off some steam after his stressful day, and forget about how frustrating the world is.
He’s still thinking about finding his soulmate when he opens the door to the old dance hall, expecting Namjoon and a couple other people to just be sitting down and talking. What he does not expect is a full on dance performance, with Namjoon, Jin,
What is he even doing here?
the barista that he is always super nervous around,
Why is he here too?? Damn, I was so awkward last time I saw him
another younger student,
and Fire Boy.
What is he doing here!!?
Yoongi just wanted to go crawl in a hole. He was expecting some boring, if not chill, upperclassmen that were in Namjoon’s writing classes. Not the school’s unofficial sunshine squad, two of which he’s pretty sure want nothing to do with him. This is just what he needed, the cherry on top of his amazing day.
“Namjoon, can I talk to you outside?” He asks his friend, in what he hopes is a calm voice. He doesn’t want to leave a bad first impression, but he is also surprised and embarrassed.
He can feel his anger bubbling up inside, all his own frustrations manifesting at the worst possible time.
“You didn’t tell me we would be dancing!”
“I know, I know Yoongi. I’m really sorry, I didn’t think it was that big a deal. I also knew you probably wouldn’t have come if I told you. And you really need to start talking to people more, how else do you expect to find your soulmate?”
“I guess you’re right,” Yoongi sighs dejectedly. “I’m sorry I snapped at you, I’ve just had a really bad day and I want to find my soulmate so that I can help them. Did you know that today is the first day that I haven’t felt like there is a boulder sitting on my chest? The first day that my soulmate hasn’t felt like that? I just want them to be able to feel like this every day.”
“I know Yoongi, I want to help you as much as I can, believe me.” Namjoon says as he looks assuredly at Yoongi.
“Man, this is so embarrassing,” Yoongi groans and covers his face with his hands. “I’m pretty sure I recognized a couple of those guys too.”
“Well, the least you can do is introduce yourself or something.”
Yoongi reluctantly heads back into the room, taking note of how everyone looks away quickly and acts like nothing happened.
Great I already messed this up too. How am I supposed to meet new friends, let alone my soulmate? Fuck.
He tries to push these thoughts to the back of his head as he introduces himself in what he hopes is a way that’s not too awkward. He tries to avoid everyone’s gazes, especially the barista and Fire Boy.
Damn it I don’t even know either of their names, he thinks. I’m so bad at this.
He can’t even remember what he said to them, rushing out the door quickly so he can’t ruminate on his awkwardness for too long.
He is already thinking of who else could be his soulmate, how he can meet other people who may be them. Maybe when he meets them he won’t be so awkward like he just was. He has his list, and he can’t bother to focus on people that he knows aren’t the one. He needs to find his soulmate, soon.
That’s why when he hears Fire Boy calling out to him, he decides to brush him off, not even bothering to pay attention to what the other student is saying to him.
No harm no foul, right? He probably doesn’t even remember me, he debates with so many other students in our ethics lecture, and that class is huge.
And I’m not that memorable, anyways.
He can’t help but feel envious of the boy, who is looking at him with the same intensity that he did when they were in class.
It’s so dark out now, though. He can’t see the light in his eyes.
He turns away from the boy so he can head back to his dorm and bury himself in his thoughts again.
At least my soulmate had a good day. He thinks.
Just then, he gets a pain in his chest.
No! No, no, no, no. You were doing so well. What happened, baby?
Yoongi brings his hand up to his heart, wishing that he could just help his soulmate.
Okay I had to update again because I wanted you guys to see Yoongi's perspective! And yes I am frustrating myself writing this so I know you're probably frustrated too. I will update as soon as possible, and please don't forget what I said in the notes for chapter 7!! Twitter: @jen_hope21
Hi everyone please make sure to read the updated tags before reading!
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
It’s December now.
That’s when it all happened.
It started one day when his dad got back from work.
“Hey, babe,” his mom said. “How was work? I could tell through our bond that you were really happy about something. Did you get that raise you’ve been waiting on?”
“Hmm, what?” his dad asks distractedly. “No, just another normal day,” he says, smiling tightly and ignoring the gaze of his wife.
She could tell that her husband was lying. After all, the soul bond had been connecting them for years. And it was never wrong.
That’s why the next day she stops by her husband’s work with a homemade lunch, filled with his favorite foods. If he wouldn’t tell her what happened, maybe one of his coworkers could.
“Excuse me?” she stops at the receptionist’s desk. “Could you make sure my husband gets this? I can tell something has been on his mind recently and I wanted to make sure he is well fed.”
The receptionist looks at her for a moment, eyes questioning and somehow sorrowful. She knows that he recognizes her from the countless business parties that she’s went to with her husband.
“Sweetie, I’m really sorry, but your husband isn’t here today. In fact, him and a couple of the other workers got permission to work from home this week. It’s for a special project.”
“….from…home? This whole… week?”
“Yes. I’m so sorry.”
It was obvious that her husband had not been working at home this week. In fact, he had been coming home even later than usual, claiming he was working overtime to earn more money for Hoseok’s schooling.
After this revelation, she decided to keep a closer eye on her husband, and on their bond. It became obvious that he was trying to hide something. Late nights, the smell of whiskey on his breath, a smell that could almost hide the traces of perfume on his clothes.
And his emotions through their bond: pure happiness. More happiness than he had ever felt with her, through all their years of marriage.
Which was weird, because she knew that her own emotions were only sadness after finding out he was lying to her. He must not care that much anymore.
But what can she do? Her job does not pay as much as his does, and she has little Hoseok to worry about. If she left, they would have no money, no place to stay. And Hoseok loves his dad. It would destroy him if they separated.
So she dealt with it. She didn’t tell anyone. She could tell that Hoseok was suspicious that something was going on, but every time he asked her about it, she reassured him that nothing was wrong.
“Hoseok, I love you to the ends of the Earth. To the ends of this universe, to the moon, the sun, the stars, and back. Promise me that you won’t ever forget that.”
“I love you too, mom. I promise I’ll never forget.”
That was the night before Christmas. The next morning, Hoseok woke up extra early so he could see all of the presents and decorations that he looked forward to every year. He gazed at them in awe, with stars in his eyes. Mom has to see this
He ran into his parents room, jumping excitedly on the bed.
“Mom! Mom! Wake up! You have to see all the pretty lights!”
But his mom wasn’t there, just an empty space where she should be.
Hoseok started to worry. Their house was small, and after he ran through it she wasn’t in any of the rooms.
“Dad, where is mom?” he couldn’t believe that his dad was still sleeping after all the noise he just made.
“What? She’s right here, bud,” he said, patting the bed next to him. His eyed widened when he felt only an empty space.
His dad immediately got up and tried calling her, but her phone was still on their bedside table. He called the police next.
They found her car miles and miles away, parked at the edge of a beach. She just wanted to go to her favorite place one last time.
She fell asleep while floating in the water and gazing up at the stars.
There was a note left in her car.
Open on your 20th birthday. I love you.
Every single day he wanted to open that envelope. But he couldn’t go against his mother’s wishes. He loved her more than anything in the world. She was his light, his light that was now gone for good.
After a couple years had gone by, Hoseok’s dad decided that he was old enough to know what really happened. He told his son about their bond, about how he met another woman, about how he lied to his mother, and about how she found out.
“She didn’t want to hurt you, Hoseok. Please understand. She chose to stay quiet for us, for our family.”
Hoseok couldn’t find it in himself to be mad at her for leaving him. He just hoped that wherever she is, she is happy now.
He did get mad at his dad, though. His dad, who fell in love with another woman when he was soulmates with his mom. His dad, who married that woman not even three months after his mother died.
Hoseok loved his mom more than anything, and his dad was supposed to too. And she knew that. And that’s what ruined her. Soulmates are shit, his dad is shit, his life is shit. But he kept living, for her. When he turned 18, he moved away to go to college with the money that his parents set aside for him. He knows it’s what his mother would have wanted. That money is part of the reason why she felt that she couldn’t leave in the first place.
He vowed to live. For her.
He wants to make sure other people are happy. Like she should have been.
He doesn’t want anyone else to suffer like she had to. For him.
I'm so sorry for this and for not updating quickly. I will try to have the next chapter up soon! Twitter: @jen_hope21
"Distance makes the heart grow fonder//Said by someone stronger than me"-Troye Sivan
A couple weeks after that whole dance practice ordeal with Namjoon, Yoongi got a call from Taehyung.
“Hey Yoongi! I did some digging like you wanted me to and I think I might have found something.”
“Really? What is it?” Yoongi asks, hoping that whatever it is will help him stop his soulmate’s suffering.
“It’s like…a vent twitter account. Like you know how sometimes people make a separate account to complain and stuff?”
“Uh…I guess. I mean I never go on twitter but I can imagine what that would be like.”
“Good enough,” Taehyung laughs. “I’m pretty sure I know who’s account it is, but the problem is that I don’t know the person they’re always talking about.”
“Well?? Whose account is it? And what are they saying? I’m already lost,” Yoongi sighs. “This is why I don’t have social media.”
“And also probably why you don’t make a lot of new friends! The social media revolution is now, Yoongi!”
“Oh shut up just tell me what you found already!”
“Alright, well I’m pretty sure that the account belongs to someone named Jimin? I found his Instagram and main twitter account too. His bio says he’s a student at the same university as you.”
“Jimin? I don’t think I know anyone by that name. I can ask around, though. What is he saying on the vent account?”
“Well, the majority of it is just like pictures of stuff that he thinks is cute. Like puppies and stuff, it’s so adorable!”
“What the fuck what does that have to do with my soulmate?”
“Yoongi you didn’t let me finish! You need to be thankful, I had to do so much searching to even find a little hint to help you!” Taehyung paused, probably scrolling through the twitter account. “Most of the posts are fluff like that, but there’s also a pretty good amount that are worried about someone who is close to them.”
“What kind of worried?”
“Stuff like ‘He seems off today’ or ‘He thinks I can’t tell but I can’ and ‘I hope he’s okay’ cryptic stuff like that.”
“Taehyung, those could literally be about anyone.”
“I know, I know! But there was something that caught my attention. It probably doesn’t mean anything but it could be important. You said the emotions have been getting worse recently, right?”
“Yeah, so what?”
“Think about what time of year it is! It’s the holidays! Anyways, one of Jimin’s tweets mentioned this person not really liking the holidays.”
“Literally so many people do not like the holidays. Myself included. They are so commercialized,” Yoongi scoffs.
“Yeah, but some people may have different reasons for not liking this time of year. A lot of families don’t really get along and the holidays only cause more tension. I think that it’s worth looking into, especially because it’s the best lead that I found.”
“Okay, okay. Do you at least have a picture so I know who I’m looking for?”
“Yes! I’ll send it to you!”
A picture pops up on Yoongi’s phone.
“He’s so cute, right?? I followed his main accounts I just couldn’t help myself!”
“Yeah, he’s…cute. Listen, thank you so much Taehyung. I really owe you one.”
“Yeah you do! Don’t worry, I’ll let you know when I want to cash in my favor!”
Yoongi laughs softly. “Alright, I’ll talk to you later.”
He hangs up and stares at the photo.
He’s seen this boy before. A couple of days ago at the botched dance practice.
He texts Namjoon next, since it seemed like he actually made friends with everyone at the practice, unlike himself.
Me: hey…bro…can you uh…help me with something
Namjoon: …what is it Yoongi? You’re scaring me.
Me: well…you know that dance practice…
Namjoon: The where you made a fool of yourself? Yes, I remember.
Me: Man, so harsh. Was everyone okay after I left? I tried to do my best but I probably came off as super rude
Namjoon: Yeah, you did. But all those guys are super nice and cool. Me and Jin explained everything, don’t worry.
Me: What exactly did you explain?
Namjoon: Just that you’re awkward with people and that makes you seem mean
Me: alright, you got me there
Me: what about the blonde guy? Did he seem mad at me?
Namjoon: You mean Jimin? No, he was fine. He’s really nice. He did seem a little worried after Hoseok ran out, though.
Me: Hoseok? Is that the guy who tried to talk to me?
I know my soulmate isn’t him…
Namjoon: Must be. You weren’t too mean, right?
Me: I honestly don’t remember. I was too focused on trying to find my soulmate
Namjoon: You know, you can’t be too focused on the future. You might miss what’s right in front of you, Yoongi.
Me: I know, you’re right. I’m not going to stop looking though.
Me: Do you know how I can get in touch with Jimin? Taehyung thinks that he might know my soulmate.
Namjoon: Uh, I don’t have his number or anything. I do know that one of the other guys, Jungkook, works at the Starbucks though. Maybe you could talk to him
Me: Alright, thanks Namjoon
Yoongi groans internally.
This barista kid probably hates me at this point.
I still have to try though, for my soulmate
When Yoongi walks into the Starbucks, the first thing he notices is Jungkook behind the counter. It was a weekday, so there weren’t many workers or customers in the shop.
“Well, look who decided to show up!” Jungkook announced snarkily.
“Hi. I’m, uh, sorry about how I acted the other day, and pretty much every time I’ve seen you here.” Yoongi said shyly, hoping that the boy would be somewhat forgiving.
“Hey, man you’re fine! I’m just messing with you. We’re friends, right?” Jungkook smiles. “Plus, your other friends told us about how awkward you are,” Jungkook laughed. “You’re lucky you have them, otherwise I would have thought you were a total jerk if I hadn’t met you here before.”
“It’s alright, most people think I am.” Yoongi pauses, not sure how to segway into talking about Jimin without it being really weird.
“What about your friends? The blonde guy looked really nice.”
“Jimin? Yeah, he’s like a little fluff ball or something…Don’t tell him I said that!”
Yoongi laughs. “So you guys are pretty close?”
“Yeah, I can always go to him if I need help with something. Hoseok too, they are both so helpful to everyone around them.”
“Yep. Anyways, uh...do you know what you want to order? I think there might be a line forming behind you now.”
“Oh, man! Sorry!” Yoongi looks up at the menu, wanting to try something different. When he sees the special holiday drinks, he gets an idea.
“I kind of want to try one of the holiday drinks, but I’m not sure I would like it. I’m not a big fan of the holidays.”
“Yeah, I don’t like the holidays either. The drinks are good though!”
Yoongi just ordered one of them, not really caring now that he got some information that is hopefully helpful.
Jungkook is close friends with Jimin, he doesn’t like the holidays, and he’s really cute. But he will need to do some more investigating to see if Jungkook is his soulmate.
He doesn’t really seem the type to feel the kinds of emotions his soulmate does, but then again, do emotions really have a type?
Hoseok and Jimin were relaxing in their dorm watching reruns of Jimin’s favorite comedy show, Jimin only half paying attention because he was looking at something on his phone.
“Hey, Hoseok do you know somebody named Tae?”
“Just Tae? That’s kind of a weird name,” Hoseok laughs. “No, I don’t think I do. Why?”
“He recently followed me on all of my accounts. His bio says he goes to the same school as us, but I’ve never seen him around.”
“Uhm, that’s kind of creepy. Has he tried talking to you? Maybe you should block him.”
“No, no I think it’s okay. Besides, from what I can tell he is really funny and smart too.”
Hoseok perks up at this. “New soulmate material??”
“Maybe,” Jimin laughs. “Lets not get ahead of ourselves, I hardly know what he looks like. All his Instagram posts are landscape shots and the ones that are actually of him are too blurry or far away to see much.”
“Sounds like he’s too aesthetic for his own good! Maybe you should try to message him, if there really is a chance that he could be your soulmate.”
“I’ll think about it! It will be a couple years before I’ll be able to sense my soulmate, but even if he’s not the one then a little fun never hurt anybody.”
“You got that right!” Hoseok smiles. “Let me know how it goes if you decide to message him!”
Jimin does message him, and they immediately hit it off. He feels like he can talk to Tae about everything, even if they’ve never met each other before. And Jimin doesn’t ask to meet him, because it’s nice to talk to someone who you don’t already know in person for a change.
As he gets closer to Tae over messages, Jimin notices that Jungkook might have found someone as well. He asks him about it at their next dance practice.
“Hey, Jungkook, I’ve noticed you hanging out with Namjoon’s friend a lot! Are you guys a thing?”
“Oh, you mean Yoongi? I wouldn’t say that we’re a thing, but he has been trying to talk to me more recently. I think that he may be the person that Namjoon said thought I was cute.”
“Yeah, that’s him!” Jimin gets a little close to Jungkook and lowers his voice, “Do you think you guys are soulmates?” he asks with wide eyes.
“Well, I’m not old enough to have sense the bond yet, but I don’t think we are.”
“Aww,” Jimin pouts. “Why not?”
“I don’t really know, I just don’t feel that sort of connection. Like, when you meet your soulmate shouldn’t you feel something? A sense that you are supposed to be with them forever?”
“You’re such a romantic, Jungkook!” Jimin punches him lightly on the shoulder. “I personally don’t think that there’s like sparks or anything like you see in the movies. It’s probably something that happens much slower. But there is probably still some sort of feeling that you guys belong together, like in the back of your head somewhere. Until you’re old enough to sense the bond, of course.”
“Yeah…I just feel kind of bad, I don’t really feel anything for him even in the back of my head. He’s always asking me about my emotions and treating me like I’m gonna break or something. I appreciate the thoughtfulness, but I hope that my soulmate is able to be a little more real with me.”
“Wow, a romantic who doesn’t want to talk about their emotions,” Jimin laughs.
“Hey! It’s not that I don’t want to talk about them, I just don’t want to be coddled.”
“Oh, such a man!” Jimin says jokingly. “You should be careful, though. It sounds like he might think that you’re his soulmate, but you obviously don’t feel that way.”
“I know, it’s just that I do still want him to be my friend. I just don’t know how to be nice to him, but, like nice in an I-don’t-think-I’m-your-soulmate type of way.”
“Well, the easiest way would be to tell him. You said yourself you don’t want to be coddled, right? What makes you think that he does?”
“Okay, I guess you have a point.” Jungkook sighs.
“Just let me know if you need help, alright!”
Jimin is so absorbed with his new possible soulmate and Jungkook’s awkward relationship with Yoongi to notice that Hoseok has been quieter the past couple of weeks.
He still helps them out with their dance routines, but no extra jokes or noises like usual. And when they go out (in a group that has grown to include Yoongi, Jin, and Namjoon), he doesn’t initiate conversation as much. These changes are almost imperceptible, and if anyone notices anything when they’re hanging out, it is probably chalked up to Hoseok still being uncomfortable with Yoongi after he was rude to them at dance practice.
Because of that, Jimin doesn’t think much of it. And he knows that Hoseok doesn’t really like holidays, which is surprising considering how jolly of a person he is, but he thinks that that could explain his behavior too.
One day, he decides to ask Tae the question that has been bugging him ever since they started talking.
Jimin: hey tae, why did you start following me originally? Ive never met you before, how did you find me?
Tae: Oh! I was kind of surprised you haven’t asked me yet haha. I am trying to help my friend find his soulmate, so I just found as many people that go to the same school as him, that could be his soulmate, and added them!
Jimin: wow that’s really nice of you! So, do you think I could be his soulmate?
Tae: definitely not. Sorry to break it to you. But I don’t think your emotions match up with what he can sense from his soulmate, as far as I can tell at least
Jimin: oh they don’t? what are the emotions like?
Tae: ummm I don’t think he would want me to tell you that
Jimin: oh okay
Tae: don’t worry! I think it’s probably a good thing that you guys aren’t soulmates to be honest. And I know that there is someone out there for you, you’re too perfect for there not to be!
Jimin: aww, thanks tae
(Jimin doesn’t know that Taehyung found his vent page, and Taehyung hasn’t mentioned it because it would definitely make Jimin think that he’s some sort of stalker)
Jimin continues to tweet about his day his vent page, which now includes a lot of things about his new crush, and less things about the person he’s usually worried about.
He’s busy talking to Tae, who says he is back at his home for the holidays, and planning fun things to do with his friends now that they are on break. He always makes sure to invite Hoseok, who is more than happy to attend things with them at first, but as the month goes on he starts to not hang out with them as much. He still likes to go out with them during the day, but for some reason once it starts to get late he always heads back to their dorm. Jimin always asks if everything is okay, and Hoseok assures him that it is with a bright smile on his face.
Towards the end of the month, Jimin realizes that it’s been almost a whole day since he’s seen Hoseok, which is pretty rare because they’re roommates.
Jimin: hey Hoseok, are you alright?
Hoseok: Yeah! I’m fine, must have came down with the cold or something. Don’t worry about me!
Jimin: okay, let me know if you want soup or anything!
A couple of days go by, and he makes sure to message Hoseok every once in a while to make sure he’s okay. He updates his vent page, not worrying too much because Hoseok told him he’s alright, and he trusts him.
December 22: I hope hes doing okay he said he has a cold :(
December 22: were planning a big party on Christmas, I hope everyone can come!!
December 23: I just found the cutest snowman decorations! Im buying them even though im broke af
December 23: I love talking to him~~
December 23: dance practice was fun as usual! Missing a couple people though
December 24: Every time I try to check on him the door is locked :( he still texts me though
December 24: I haven’t seen him in three days now. I hope he’s okay
A minute after Jimin posts that last tweet, he gets a call from someone he’s only ever messaged before.
He stares in shock for a second before picking up, excited to hear his voice for the first time, and expecting a kind, yet somewhat nervous voice asking about his day.
What he doesn’t expect is the scared, rushed voice on the other end of the line.
“Jimin?? I can explain everything later, but I need to know where you are right now. Is the person that you always worry about on your vent account with you? When was the last time you spoke to him? Please, I need to know!”
"My fingers danced and swayed in the breeze//The change in the wind took you down to your knees"-Troye Sivan
“Wh-what? Tae? What’s going on?”
“I’ll explain everything soon, baby. Please, just tell me who the person is that you always worry about on your vent account.”
“How-how do you know about that account? It’s supposed to be private!”
“That doesn’t matter right now, Jimin. Please, they could be in danger!”
“Oh my god, okay, um, it’s probably Hoseok. He’s the person I worry about the most. I—” Jimin starts to pack up his things frantically. “I was texting him yesterday but I haven’t seen him in about three days. What’s this about, Tae? Is he alright? I’m going to go back to our dorm now but I’m not sure how long it will take.”
“Jimin, Jimin! Take a deep breath for me.” Tae pauses until he hears Jimin breathe in deeply. “Everything is going to be alright, okay? Long story short, I think that my friend is Hoseok’s soulmate. Send me the address of your dorm and me and my friend will go there as quickly as we can.”
~ ~ ~ ~Earlier that day~ ~ ~ ~
Taehyung had decided to surprise Yoongi while he was home visiting family, but when he had arrived to Yoongi’s dorm there was no response.
“Yoongi?” Taehyung called out while banging on the door. “Damn, he’s probably asleep, that lazy oaf!” Yoongi wasn’t picking up his phone either, so Taehyung tried the door to see if it was locked.
“This idiot! He’s going to get robbed!” Taehyung mutters as he walks in the unlocked door.
“Yoongi?” He calls out, walking towards his bedroom. He knocks on the door, but again there is no response. He decides to just go in and wake Yoongi up, it’s already almost noon for crying out loud!
“Yoongi, Yoongi! Wake up! It’s almost noon!” Taehyung shakes his friend out of his slumber.
“Taehyung? I wasn’t even asleep!” Yoongi says groggily, rubbing his eyes as he grows accustomed to the light that Taehyung turned on when he came in the room.
“Really? Well that’s not what it looks like! Why haven’t you been answering your phone? Or your door?”
“I don’t—I don’t know,” Yoongi looks around, trying to get his bearings. “I was just resting my eyes, I guess I didn’t hear my phone.”
Taehyung starts to get worried, Yoongi seems way too disoriented.
“Yoongi? Look at me.” Yoongi turns his head, but he can’t seem to look Taehyung directly in his eyes. “When was the last time you left your room?”
“I don’t…I don’t remember. I’ve just been in bed. I don’t think it’s been that long though.”
“Okay, what about food? Shower? What’s the last thing you remember doing?”
“Uh, yesterday, I hung out with Jungkook. He said that he didn’t think we were soulmates.” Yoongi moves to pull the blanket back over himself.
“Yesterday? Yoongi, you told me that you were going to hang out with Jungkook on Wednesday.”
“Yeah, yesterday was Wednesday.”
“Yoongi…today is Friday. It’s Christmas Eve.”
“What?” Yoongi quickly sits up. “You’re lying, there’s no way it’s Friday.” Yoongi goes to check his phone, but it’s dead.
“It is. Look,” Taehyung holds up his phone for Yoongi to see the date and time.
“Oh my god, oh my god, Taehyung, what’s going on? How did I lose a whole day? I was just resting, I swear!”
“Has this ever happened before?”
“No! No, not as far as I know. I sleep in a lot but never anything like this! The only thing I can think—oh my god. My soulmate. Taehyung, it’s my soulmate! Something happened to them! Taehyung—”
“Yoongi,” he puts his hands on Yoongi’s shoulders. “Look at me, for real this time.”
Yoongi raises his eyes to Taehyung, and feels his steady hands on his shoulders.
“Calm down for a moment. I want you to sense your soulmate, separate out your emotions from theirs.”
Yoongi does just that, slowing his breathing and closing his eyes to focus. Beneath his panic—emptiness.
“Taehyung, there’s nothing there! Oh my—”
“Try again.” Taehyung looks intently into his eyes.
“There’s nothing!” Yoongi’s eyes start to feel with tears.
“Okay, there’s nothing. But have you sensed this feeling before?”
“I…” Yoongi pauses to think. “I think so. But not as bad. It’s empty, but I still feel something. I can feel the empty.”
“Alright, that’s a good sign. Just give me a minute Yoongi, I’m going to help you figure this out, okay?”
~ ~ ~ ~
When they get to Jimin and Hoseok’s dorm, they pound on the door but no one answers.
“Taehyung, how are we going to get in? Are they even home?”
“I didn’t really think this far…Jimin said he is on the way he should—”
“I’m here!” Jimin calls out from the end of the hall, sweaty and out of breath. “I ran here as fast as I could!” He shakily unlocks the door, unsure of what is going on.
“Hoseok? Hoseok!” Jimin calls out, heading to the elder’s room.
He knocks on the door, but there’s no answer.
“Hoseok, are you in there??” Jimin tries the knob, but the door is locked. “It’s locked, I don’t kno—”
Yoongi pushes Jimin aside, kicking the door forcefully next to the lock. The door swings open, revealing Hoseok.
He is lying on the bed, unmoving.
“Hoseok!” Jimin calls out, rushing to him. He doesn’t stir at his name, and Jimin starts to panic. “Hoseok! Hoseok!” There aren’t any signs of drugs or violence, but Hoseok lay there quietly, seemingly asleep as Jimin tries to wake him.
“Jimin,” Taehyung puts his hand on Jimin’s shoulder. “Look at his chest, he’s still breathing. Let’s go get him some water and something to eat. I already called the paramedics, they are on their way.”
Taehyung ushers a hysterical Jimin out of the room, giving Yoongi—who was standing back and taking everything in—a meaningful look.
Yoongi understands, and he walks quickly toward the bed and sits gingerly next to Hoseok.
“Hoseok? I’m not sure if you can hear me. I—I’m so sorry. For everything. I’m so stupid, I put myself first and neglected to see what was right in front of me. You, my soulmate. It’s my fault, it’s all my fault.” He starts crying, knowing that his soulmate was someone he had already met, someone he didn’t think needed help. Looks can be deceiving. He should have known better.
He collapses next to Hoseok on the bed, realizing that his soulmate has been locked in his room for at least three days, and must not have been drinking or eating anything, staying in bed just as he was before Taehyung found him. This makes him cry harder.
“It’s my fault, my fault, my fault,” he reaches out, wrapping around Hoseok with a hug, wishing he could go back and take away his pain. He holds tightly onto him, thinking of something that ended before it could even begin.
Suddenly, he hears something.
Yoongi stills, still holding Hoseok in his arms. He hears it again, louder this time.
“Not your fault.”
Yoongi gasps, looking down at Hoseok. He’s so pale, eyes still closed, but now his head is angled slightly towards Yoongi.
“Hoseok? Oh my god can you hear me?” Hoseok almost unperceptively nods his head, and Yoongi lets out a sigh.
He gently pulls Hoseok’s head closer to his chest, enveloping him in his warmth.
“Hoseok, listen to me carefully. This is not your fault. And I am blaming myself, but the truth is it’s not my fault either. Do you understand?” Yoongi strokes Hoseok’s hair as he tries to gather his thoughts.
“We can’t change what’s happened so far, but we can do something about our future. You have me now. I promise I will never leave you, and we will support each other from now on. We are soulmates, Hoseok. And I will love you for the rest of my life, as long as there are stars in the sky.”
Thank you so much to everyone who has stuck with this story so far! There will be one more chapter after this! Twitter: @jen_hope21
"You don't have to say I love you to say I love you//Forget all the shooting stars and all the silver moons"-Troye Sivan
Hoseok can’t believe that he almost broke his promise. He promised to live for her, for his mom. And his own selfishness and negligence almost cost him his life.
Ever since they found him that night, Hoseok has kept his friends and Yoongi at arm’s length. He doesn’t want a soulmate, doesn’t want them to feel his emotions, doesn’t want what happened to his parents happen to anyone else.
It’s been over a month now, a month of pushing away Yoongi’s help and making sure that he appears okay to everyone around him. Nobody knows how he truly feels except Yoongi, and he doesn’t want him to know either. He didn’t ask for someone to be privy to his emotions, he didn’t ask for help, and he definitely didn’t ask for a soulmate.
It’s February now, the night before his 20th birthday. He’s hoping that Yoongi is wrong, that he actually doesn’t have a soulmate, and that he feels nothing when the clock strikes midnight.
He sits in his room, looking down at the letter his mom left him. He’s kept it all this time, wanting to open it so many times but refraining because she wanted him to wait.
It is almost midnight, so Hoseok opens the envelope. He is not sure what he’s expecting, but it definitely isn’t what’s on the paper.
I love you to the ends of the Earth. To the ends of this universe, to the moon, the sun, the stars, and back.
One day, you will find your soulmate, and I know that they will love you just as much as I do.
You are the light of my life, so I want you to think about how loved you are every time you see a light. My favorite lights are the stars, because they remind me that even on your darkest night, there is hope.
You are my hope, Hoseok. And I know that you will find your own hope as well.
He sits there for what feels like hours, tears streaming down his face. His mom fell asleep for the last time while watching the stars. How is that supposed to give him hope?
Maybe there is something that he doesn’t understand. Through his despair, he feels a glimmer. He wants to go outside and see the stars just like she did, so he can feel loved again.
He makes it outside, but before he can look up at the sky he bumps into somebody.
“Hoseok?” A gentle voice asks. Hoseok feels a rush of warmth, warmth that isn’t his own.
Hoseok looks up, into Yoongi’s eyes. It’s at that moment that he realizes, he doesn’t have to go outside to see the stars.
All the light that he could ever need is in the eyes of his soulmate—his hope—Yoongi.
Thank you to everyone for sticking with me and reading this story! I know there are a couple loose ends so if you have any questions about the story feel free to comment or talk to me on twitter, @jen_hope21