I remember how you never lost your patience with me. How everything was crystal clear when you spoke to me. How you taught me what it’s like to be a real human. To trip and fall, then be helped up. To lose and try harder the next time. To be broken, then rebuilt. To be lost, then be found. To be cold, then warm up. To fall asleep after working hard and wake up to face a new day. I wanted to face every new day with you… I wanted every day to be like the one where you held me close and told me you wanted to spend forever with me, if it were possible. But when I asked why it wasn’t, you remained silent. I didn’t dare inquire of it again.
Though in the days to follow, I began to realize exactly why.
Monday and Tuesday, you were discussing things with that girl; the pretty one, with the purple hair. It was something about scheduling and I had realized that I did not fit into that schedule.
“Maybe tomorrow, Mizael.” You had said with a sheepish smile.
But… you don’t have to lie to me. I know I’m not in tomorrow’s plans either… or even the day after that. This is because…
Wednesday and Thursday, you were in the lab with that man; the smart one with long tresses and a charming smile. You know, your old mentor? You were talking about portals to other worlds.
“You wouldn’t comprehend this stuff, Mizael.” You told me with another sheepish smile. Don’t you remember? I came from a different world… I want to help you! I want to comprehend these things that you so say I can’t.
But… you won’t let me.
Friday, you weren’t working. You were taking a break and playing with your younger brother. I did not want to interrupt your bonding time, so I stayed away. I walked among the forest and saw a flock of birds. One had trailed behind the rest and suddenly I felt a connection. When I was a Barian Emperor, I belonged somewhere. When that was taken from me, I had fallen behind. While all the others had adapted, I was struggling and relying on you. Yet I still felt like I was up there in the sky… because you made me so happy, it was as if I had wings! But then, we drifted apart. How could it have come to this?
I continued my walk until I saw a vast lake that sparkled in the December moonlight. It was a lovely shade of blue and I had wondered if that is what my eyes looked like when I saw you . I could tell that the lake would freeze over by mid-January…
I walked back to my dark, cold, and empty house… and did so every day after spending hours at a cafe or sitting on a park swing alone . One day, I saw feathers in the grass and thought: “A bird that loses its feathers must get cold.” And in that moment, I related. The moments I spent with you were like feathers and the more they disappeared, the more cold I felt… the more empty I was.
I began to realize that every week was pretty much the same. That I was still not a part of your schedule; I never was and never will be. I still won’t be able to comprehend those things you talk about in the lab; I never have and never will. I am not the one you love; I never was and never will be. No matter what I thought we had between us.
I look in a mirror to see who and what I am not…
I am not a pretty girl, who helps you get things done.
I am not a smart man with a charming smile, who you’ve known for years.
I am not someone special to you, like your younger brother.
I look in a mirror and cry because of what I see… because of what I am.
I’m a walking travesty that gets no sleep. The proof is in my dull blue eyes. The ones that used to hold a brightness that you said you loved.
I’m a broken soul with a permanent frown.
I’m someone who tried to best you, but failed and fell hopelessly in love with the man I thought I despised.
I’m skinny and hungry because only God knows the last time I ate something.
I’m the person you’ll never again have time for… ever.
December is ending and I haven’t seen you in so long. January’s just around the corner and the lake will freeze. You haven’t bothered to call or even text me. I feel as though I have a single feather left and each day I’m just growing colder without you. I think all of my feathers have drifted down into the freezing lake. But it’s okay, really. I know you’re much happier dueling and working on science and spending time with your brother.
When the new year rolls around, you can wipe your slate clean of the name Mizael. This coming year, you won’t have to worry about me! Isn’t that great?
I won’t get in your way and you won’t have to fake a smile… When the new year rolls around, my last feather will be gone. I will no longer have the will to fly in the freezing atmosphere. I will plummet into the lake below and sink beneath my gracefully floating feathers… I will disappear and fade away in the depths of the lake…
December 31st: You texted me, asking how I was doing. I did not reply because I was scared that all of my depression would hit the keypad and you’d get a flurry of my sorrow via text messages. I was afraid that you’d decide to hate me for my selfishness before I disappeared… And so, I ignored every text that followed until my phone battery depleted. I did not bother charging it afterward.
When I disappear and fade away, a glistening layer of ice will shield my feathers away. But maybe… when spring rolls around and the ice melts away, you’ll see my feathers and be reminded of the bird who once loved you beyond measure. The bird that would fly anywhere to find you, to be with you. Maybe you’ll pick up a feather and feel something missing. Maybe you’ll finally see how much I loved you, Kaito… and what it did to me.