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For You

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I think it hurts the most knowing how close I’d become to Moti. Though I had other friends that were still around, I had only really had Moti with me every day. They were my best friend, I was their teacher but I’d felt more like an equal by the end. They’d gone someplace I could never follow. They were out of my reach. Communication seemed completely dependent upon Moti and while they always promised we would talk again, the time seemed to grow more and more distant each time. I felt more and more empty after I woke up. I felt like a side thought, like Moti was leaving me behind or worse that I was the one charging ahead while Moti stayed the same. Still innocent and happy, forever. While I corrupted inside with these one-sided feelings of hurt and anger. They’d saved the world, but they’d broken my heart in a way I knew other people would try to fix. Etti and Sharon tried to help, tried to offer me support and love. But there is just something that Moti supplied to our relationship I don’t think anyone could replace. If they could, Moti wouldn’t have been so special to me. They wouldn’t have made such a scar on my heart when they left.

I was currently in my bed, curled up with my knees to my chest. I feared going to sleep now. Worried Moti would appear out of the blue and I would feel like everything was okay again. I rubbed the tears from my eyes, feeling frustration and anxiety burrowing into my chest. I was angry. Angry that the world was still perfectly fine without Moti, despite my world feeling like it had stopped in its tracks. I almost didn’t want to talk to others about it, but Sharon was too perceptive for her own good.

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“Have you tried telling them how you feel?” She’d crossed her arms, studying my face after I’d practically unloaded a whole panic upon her. “I know the little calculator well enough to know they would understand. It’s hard to remember us in the busy world of...” She paused, twirling her hand around while wearing a perplexed look on her face. “The cosmos?”

I bit my lip, feeling the pressure about to puncture through the soft flesh. “It shouldn’t. What are they doing besides keeping the Earth company? Is it really hard to drop in as often as they did before? That was the more crucial time in pleasing the world anyways! I thought we were close, how hard is it to at least drop in every so often! It’s been months and they’re just going to act like it was a day or two between, like I’m nothing but an afterthought when they get bored enough to talk to me! Is the Earth really that fun that they can’t even spare the time for me?” I was shouting by the time Sharon put her hand on my shoulder.
“Get some sleep, bloke. And the next time you two meet, you really need to let them know. They would never want you to feel like this.”

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Now here I sat, fighting sleep. Worried that Moti wouldn’t understand how I felt and that it would just make me feel worse. What if I was just being a horrible friend to Moti? I’d let them go just as much as they’d gone. I never really told them how it made me feel because every time we’d talk I’d just been so happy to see them again. Yet soon the dark, icky feelings would crawl back into my brain and I’d be right back here again.

I sighed, deciding it was now or never. “I’ll just fall asleep and if Moti is there we’ll talk and if not then the universe is saying I should just accept that they’re gone.” I didn’t know if I feared them answering or not more, but I sent Sharon a text on the phone before I fell asleep telling her what I planned to do. She sent back a supporting message but I wouldn’t see it until the morning. I’d already fallen away into the other world, already had the presence of my old friend beside me.

I wanted to cry and scream, I probably did both. Moti just listened and I could hear the sounds akin to them crying. I could almost picture the face that would pop on the screen whenever they would cry. They never offered me definitive relief, nothing concrete that said they would change. I just had to believe they would, or that they were trying. I wanted to believe they would change for me. I had to accept Moti couldn’t be with me constantly like before, life for both of us was so different now and it could never be the same. I probably hated Moti for feeling like I wasn’t enough for them anymore, but they still loved me. Relationships between people were like that, messy.

I just had to remember that when I woke up the next morning, I had other friends there waiting for me and even if I only saw Moti every now and then, even if I slowly grew to never being able to talk to Moti again, I could always treasure the memories I’d made with them. Bittersweet, painful memories now, that could maybe, with my own help and work, grow to be warm and comforting. A time in my life with a person who’d been special in that time. Moti would always be special, but I had to come to terms with the fact that they were special because of that time and not because of what they did now. Other people were busy being special in my now. When I opened my eyes, I looked at Sharon’s response. Soon Etti called, same time he did every day, and calmly listened to me cry and talk. My special people in the now. Maybe we, too, would grow apart but I couldn’t imagine anyone else I’d want in my life to listen to my troubles than my friends, who offered the words and advice I needed to hear. I felt warmed, wrapped in a blanket and Etti’s always kind words. The sun rose, warming my face, and I felt better. Sad, but better.