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Oh the iPad of a Dark Lord is a Mighty Wondrous Thing

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Oh the iPad of a Dark Lord is a Mighty Wondrous Thing

 

Oh the iPad of a Dark Lord is a mighty wondrous thing –

There’s an app to build a tower and an app to forge a ring ;

There’s all that you’d expect on it, and then a whole lot more

Besides the apps for conquering and never being poor.

 

There’s an app to look pure evil, and an app to make a slave

(With orc and wraith sub-menus) or to raise one from the grave ;

Another boosts suborning and a fourth invents bad news

Sufficiently appalling to give anyone the blues.

 

Oh the iPad of a Dark Lord …

 

There’s an app for false fair-seeming when you fancy being sneaky,

And an app to look heroic when you’ve got them pale and squeaky,

With an upgrade that grows armour into coal-black razor spikes

Worse than morningstars and maces, just as every Dark Lord likes.

 

You can halve invasion lead-times with the Quick Conquest Locator,

And bring heartache to good men with the Ethical Check-Mater,

And sow confusion in their ranks (or illness, if you’d rather)

With the app for telling heroes you’re their One-True-Long-Lost Father.

 

Oh the iPad of a Dark Lord …

 

There’s a suite of apps for treason and for lying through your teeth,

Or ensuring truth is disbelieved but not the lies beneath ;

A slider boosts the rate at which your messages are speeded

While another makes for mischance and your enemies impeded.

 

And if you think the shortage of Dark Ladies is too sexist

There’s an app for telling everyone you absolutely do exist,

And all ethnic minorities, LGBT or queer,

Asexual, polyamorous – your Dark-Lord-standing’s clear.

 

Oh the iPad of a Dark Lord …

 

There’s an app for taking hostages in fifty frightful ways

And keeping them well-tortured to the ending of their days ;

There’s even a reversion key to make them seem all better

For when you have to reassure your blackmailee or debtor.

 

The keyboard will adapt to any alphabet you choose,

Including runes and spelldings, such as magic Dark Lords use ;

The speakers handle chanting, incantations, and blank verse,

And wax enthusiastic when it comes to a black curse.

 

Oh the iPad of a Dark Lord …

 

And if you manage to create a better class of minion

You can qualify to get the app for instant world dominion,

And then you’re all but home and dry (if you’ll but heed the warning

To beware the in-app purchases you’ll pay for in the morning).

 

And after world dominion there is only one more stage

To allow a Dark Lord egress from the confines of the page

And express in all its glory what the apps can only blur –

An evolution into Dark-Lord-app developer!

 

Oh the iPad of a Dark Lord …