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then why am i on your mind

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They're not in a relationship. (Sara can practically hear Ray's voice in her head, even as she thinks it: well, technically any connection between two individuals can be considered a relationship.)


She has a relationship with Ava, in the technical, literal sense. A relationship that's usually described with adjectives like adversarial and complicated and weird.

They've had sex, of course. A lot of sex, more than Sara really expected. Some of it has been in Sara's bunk on the Waverider, some of it in more creative locations. She's got a key to Ava's apartment - because of course Ava has a real apartment - but it's not because they're dating. It's just for emergencies.

(Or, occasionally, because she's in the neighbourhood and she knows how much Ava hates surprises.)

So maybe they had sex this morning, at Ava's place. Maybe Sara slept there the night before, because they arrived late and both of them were tired and Ava, guard down and a little drowsy, insisted.

Now, Sara's fresh from the shower, wandering naked through Ava's apartment. Her clothes are well-worn and a little singed from her latest mission, not really suitable to wear again without some serious cleaning. They don't have the kind of relationship where she keeps a spare set at Ava's apartment.

"Hey," she calls out. Ava's still in the bathroom, towelling her hair dry and finishing up. "Do you have a clean shirt I could -"

"In the drawer," Ava says.

Sara assumes she means the dresser. It's got more than one drawer, so Sara's left to guess. Socks and underwear are usually the top, so she leaves that aside and opens the second one. She hears the pad of feet behind her, and Ava sticks her head into the bedroom just in time to say, "No, not that -"

It's too late.

The drawer Sara's opened is not full of shirts. It is, however, full of objects that Sara slowly realizes are sex toys, in a surprising variety of non-realistic shapes and textures and colours. They haven't - Ava's life is still mostly a question mark, to Sara. They don't talk about much, and that's how they both prefer it. Sara knows that Ava's a lesbian, and that she's an adult with her own life and past experiences.

Apparently, many of those past experiences have involved sex toys.

"Fuck," Ava says from behind her.

Sara is, for once, completely speechless. She has questions, but she's not exactly sure how to phrase them, or whether she wants to ask them to Ava's face, or if she actually wants to know any of the answers.

She's also standing in Ava's bedroom with her tits out, because she still hasn't put on a shirt.

Ava stalks across the room toward her. She's wearing an honest-to-god bathrobe, but she's so flustered that the ties of it are hanging open, the robe fluttering around her like a cape. Sara barely notices. She's just - there's a lot to look at, in Ava's drawer, and it's hard to stop. Ava has to take Sara's hand from the handle and physically close the drawer to break her attention.

"Shirts are here," she says gruffly, opening the next drawer down.

Ava takes the top shirt from the pile and unfolds it - the inside of Ava's t-shirt drawer looks like it was arranged by Marie Kondo herself - and shoves it at Sara's chest.

Sara takes the hint and puts it on. Ava wraps her bathrobe around herself, tying it with as much bluster as she can manage. (Her robe is fuzzy, and there's a little sleepy cat embroidered over the pocket, so: not a lot.)

"I assume you have something to add," Ava says. Her voice is sharp, as confrontational as it's ever been with Sara. Everything about her is bracing for a fight.

"Not really," Sara says.

Ava rolls her eyes. "Oh, come on. I'm sure you have some clever comment, so just go ahead and make it now.

"It's fine," Sara says, because it is. Ava can fill her drawers - and other parts of herself, probably - with whatever she likes. It's none of her business. Sara's more focused on how she's affected by it; the way that knowing about that drawer feels like a beautiful, delicious secret.

Sara shrugs. She's trying to look chill, like it's not a big deal that Ava has a drawer full of toys so extensive that she's a bit intimidated. "You have a drawer. That's fine. You can do what you want with your drawers."

Ava blinks. Her expression is flat, completely unreadable. Sara's pretty sure her attempt at chill is failing - fairly spectacularly - and the fact that she can't tell what Ava's thinking is maddening. Ava's hair is still damp from the shower, and Sara's eye is suddenly drawn to one tiny droplet of water beading at the end of one strand of hair. She watches as it hangs, then drips onto Ava's collarbone. "That's it?" Ava says. "That's all you've got?"

Sara shrugs. "I mean, if you give me time I'm sure I can come up with some jokes, if you want."

Ava actually stomps her foot in exasperation, gently. Sara does her best not to think the word cute. "You're impossible," she says.


Ava takes a step toward Sara and rolls her eyes. "You just - are."

Something about Ava's exasperation makes Sara rebellious. She's pretty sure she's handling this just fine, but something in the hard edge to Ava's mouth says she's not. It feels like a challenge. She leans closer, finding her way into Ava's personal space, and plucks at the tie to her robe. "Takes one to know one," she says.

It's immature and silly and also something that never fails to get a rise out of Ava. Ava sighs and threads her fingers through Sara's hair and all but drags her into a kiss. Her mouth is rough, all teeth and frustration against Sara's and Sara sighs into it with delight. This, she can do. This is easy, the push-pull she has with Ava. Ava can tear at her mouth and Sara can bite her lip right back and that, at least, is familiar.

"I can't believe you're being weird about this," Ava says. It starts off as words but ends in a hiss, as Sara bites at the space where muscle meets clavicle. She's a little rougher than she meant to be; it's already bruising gently.

"I'm not," Sara all but growls. Her hands are inside Ava's robe, she's already palming Ava's breasts and she squeezes to emphasize her point. She's rewarded with a grunt and with Ava's hands on her shoulders, shoving her back onto the bed.

Ava lets her robe fall to the floor and clambers onto the bed after her, one knee already pressed between Sara's legs.

"You are," Ava says. She rocks forward, her knee pressing up against Sara's cunt to punctuate her words and fuck her, it feels incredible. "I've never met a woman who likes penetration as much as you do," Ava continues, shifting her weight again. "It's not like you've never used a strap-on before."

And that's it: the thing that's got Sara's gut twisting with nerves, because she hasn't but she wants to, in a way that frightens her a bit. She'll be damned before she lets Ava know it. Instead she drags her nails down Ava's back until she groans. "So are you gonna fuck me, or what?" she asks.

Ava's looking at her, a searching expression in her eyes and Sara's anxiety peaks. She opens her mouth, and for one heart-stopping moment Sara's worried that she's going to want to talk about this. But then she's nodding, her expression turning into a slow, hungry grin that Sara's come to know well. "Only if you want to get fucked," she says. Her voice is a low rumble that makes Sara's cunt twitch.

Ava reaches for Sara, slips two fingers in between her knee and Sara's cunt. Her touch is exploratory, thoughtful. It's not meant to please Sara, it's meant to check, and Sara's doing her best not to react to it. Their last round together was hours ago, and Sara's more than ready for another. There's this one toy from the drawer, bright green and curved and thick and she wants, so much, for it or one of its companions to be where Ava's fingers are. "I don't know if you're ready," Ava says.

Her fingertips slide across Sara's folds, running across her clit just enough to make Sara groan and buck against her touch. Ava's touch moves lower, circling Sara's entrance until she's practically shuddering with anticipation. "Come on," Sara groans. "Warm me up, then."

Ava slips into her. She drags her fingertips slowly against Sara's inner walls, and it's infuriating: sensation that's nearly-overwhelming but not nearly enough to make Sara come. Ava's teasing her, stretching at Sara's entrance and touching just enough that Sara's clenching against her, hungry and desperate to be filled up. She's so hot for this, knows from the sounds of Ava's fingers inside her that she's more than wet enough.

Still, Ava takes her time. She works at Sara, fucking her slowly, ineffectively, until Sara's whimpering underneath her, worked up and furious that Ava won't let her come. It feels like eternity before Ava slides her fingers out of Sara, wiping the excess slickness off on Sara's thigh.

"You ready now?" Ava says. Her tone is a dare, provocative and a little rude and Sara's not even embarrassed by the way that it makes her a little bit hotter.

"Of course," Sara replies, a matching challenge.

Ava leaves the bed, standing in one movement and walking back to that dresser drawer. Sara rolls onto her side, watching. Ava's naked, and Sara's got a beautiful view of her whole backside as she rummages for a few moments. Sara's hand drifts between her legs. She's hot enough that she could come right now, with the right sort of touch, but she settles for light pressure against her clit - just enough to keep her warmed up.

Sara watches as Ava steps into her harness, and slips one of the dildos from her drawer - this one sparkly silver - into the ring at the front. She unwraps a condom next, rolling it onto the toy. Sara doesn't know where to look. Ava's naked and turning to move toward Sara, and that's a sight all by itself. But Sara can't take her eyes off of the dildo, watching it bob and thinking about how much she wants it inside her.

It's bigger than she thought it would be, once Ava's standing beside the bed. That's not a bad thing.

All Ava says is, "I need you on your back."

Sara thinks, for a moment, about talking back. But she's too far gone: she needs this and Ava has it and she wants, more than anything, for Ava to just fuck her. So she complies, rolling onto her back and moving up to give Ava a little more space.

Ava kneels on the bed in front of her. She's got her hand on the dildo, holding it and the condom in place, but the other hand is on Sara's belly and she's looking carefully up at her. "You good?" Ava asks.

Sara wriggles her hips downward, searching for contact that Ava's not quite ready to give. "Yeah," she finally says. "Yeah, I'm good."

Ava's thumb finds her cunt first, then the head of the toy follows and goddamn, Sara didn't know how much she needed this. Ava's teasing at first, working the dildo into Sara in short, shallow thrusts. It's not enough depth, not filling her at all, but all that friction concentrated at her entrance is delicious. Sara hears herself moan and is surprised, for a moment, at how loud it sounds in her ears.

Slowly - far too slowly - Ava sinks forward. Sara feels every inch of it, and god she hasn't been this full in ages. She wraps her legs around Ava's hips, changing the angle just enough that the head of the dildo hits exactly the right spot. "Fuck," she hisses.

Ava's smile is crooked and a little tender as she replies, "I'm on it."

"Jerk," Sara sighs. She means to say more, but then Ava pulls back and thrusts.

Sara's willing to admit it: Ava is good at this. Better than she expected. Not that she had time to think about it much, but somewhere in between seeing Ava's toy drawer and this moment Sara made some assumptions and she needs to take most of them back. She's fucking Sara with a slow, lazy control that feels unbelievable, and Sara doesn't want to enjoy this too visibly but honestly, it's hard not to.

Ava reaches between their bodies, and Sara's not thinking too hard about what she's doing until she feels a sudden jolt, a perfect compliment to the feel of being fucked. Ava's got her fingertip pressed against Sara's clit, and she's matching the pace of her hips with it. Sara bites down on her lower lip as hard as she can, manages to turn her moan into a high-pitched, needy whimper that's not much better. Gradually, Ava's pace increases until all Sara can focus on is the feel of her, friction and the way she's being filled up. She feels her inner walls start to clench, everything overwhelming and beautiful and warm and then Sara's coming, hard. Her heels are digging into Ava's lower back and every part of her cunt feels slick, oversensitive.

It's almost a cycle; her inner walls are flexing around the dildo from her orgasm and it's making her feel even better, bringing her closer to the edge all over again. Her second climax hits moments later, this time with a moan that she's too far gone to hide.

Ava rocks against her until she's done. The sight when Sara finally opens her eyes is, admittedly, pretty great. Ava's leaning over her. She's pink-cheeked, a little breathless, naked above Sara and her breasts are just as perfect as they were in the shower. Her smile is pleased on the edge of smug, as she rocks her hips forward one last time. The dildo moves inside Sara just a little bit, pulling one last shudder and cry out of her, and Ava grins. "I knew you liked that," she says.

"Shut up," Sara says. But she doesn't have much high ground, not when she's just finished coming more than once around Ava's strap on. Ava pulls out of her and Sara's overwhelmed enough that she has to close her eyes, the extra bit of friction almost too much.

Ava unbuckles the harness at her hips, and tosses the whole apparatus onto the floor beside the bed. Sara just lets herself lay back, rests her head on her hands and looks at the ceiling. Her legs are still spread wide, and she leaves them that way. Every time she brings them closer together she feels a sudden rush of sensation, just the wrong side of overstimulating. She needs to cool down.

Ava arranges herself on the bed beside Sara. She's still got that look on her face, smiling a little more softly than Sara would like. She can't quite deal with it, so she does her best to ignore it. What she can deal with is the edge of lust to Ava's expression, the way she's fidgeting like she's waiting for Sara to come down faster. "What's the matter?" Sara drawls. "Did you get off on that?"

It's crass and a little insensitive, but Ava's pupils dilate and she bites her lip in response. She shakes her head, damp hair spilling over her shoulders and across her breasts. She's gorgeous, sometimes - when she's not being a pain in the ass. "Find out," Ava says.

Sara's still a little foggy from her climax but she does her best to move like she's not, rolling until she's on top of Ava and straddling her thighs. "I bet you did," she drawls.

Ava does her best to hold back a sigh. She's biting down on her upper lip, her eyes focused and dark and so full of lust. Sara finally feels like she's got the upper hand again. She rubs her hand against Ava's vulva, and even with that gentle, indirect contact her fingertips come away slick. "I bet you're ready for me to eat you out right now," Sara says.

It's not a question, but it is. Ava frowns, desire clearly warring with pride until she sighs, capitulates. "Fine," Ava says. "Yes."

Sara thinks about stalling further, but asking for Ava to say please seems like pushing her luck. Besides, she's curious. She's never gone down on a woman after this kind of sex, and it's worth understanding just what this does for Ava. So she works her way backward down the bed, lets Ava bend her knees and brace her feet against her thighs as she settles her mouth against Ava's cunt.

She works her way in tongue-first, and finds Ava's cunt practically dripping for her. She all but slides her way toward Ava's clit, swollen and so easy to flick with her tongue. "Yes," Ava moans, uncontrolled and wanton.

Sara can't help but grin into her cunt. She laps at Ava with the flat of her tongue, applying broad pressure that she knows, from experience, makes Ava endlessly frustrated. She plays with her, keeping her contact vague until Ava's grinding herself against Sara's face, obviously desperate for more. She loops her free arm around Ava's thigh, pressing it down against her pelvis to still her. Ava's toes flex against her thighs in reply. From above, Sara can hear the harsh pace of her breath, the soft whimpers caught in the back of Ava's throat. She wants to pull them out of her, wants to make Ava admit all of the ways that she likes this.

Her tongue is sharp, direct, as she flicks the tip of it against Ava's clit. Ava moans, arching up and tensing her legs and Sara's rewarded with a warm gush against her chin. Sara works faster, lapping at Ava until her chin is soaked and Ava's practically rising off the bed. She's crying out in earnest, now, a series of ohs that increase in pitch with every movement of Sara's tongue until she suddenly goes wordless and freezes. Sara feels Ava come against her mouth, hard and messy and so obviously into her.

Sara laps at Ava's cunt until she finally relaxes against the bed. Her mouth is slicker than usual, enough that she has to wipe her chin with the back of her hand before she sits up. Ava's waiting for her, watching with gratitude and desire as Sara runs her free hand through her hair and takes her in. Ava looks completely undone. She's spread out against the bed, arms wide open, her face a half-smile that's more than a little dazed. "Don't get smug," Ava says. "You liked it, too."

Sara does her best not to laugh; hides it with a cough and a slightly exaggerated sigh. "Oh, now it's not okay to be smug," she replies.

But Ava reaches out and Sara complies, tucking herself into Ava's embrace. Lately, things have been like this more and more: softer around the edges than they used to be. Ava doesn't kiss Sara, but she does hold her close, and smiles against the top of Sara's head when Sara rests her free hand on top of Ava's breast. "We're going to need another shower," Ava says.

Sara laughs. "Maybe. You sure you don't have any other drawers we should test out, first?"