So like Veronica was strutting down the street in her nice fancy new bedazzled crocs when she finally decided to eat some fucking food, the stupid anorexic bitch. So she fuckinnng waltzed her way into
Pizza Hut MICKY-DEES (A FINE EATING ESTABLISHMENT FOR FAMILIES OF ALL AGES) and was like;
“Sup y’all, all y’all want some fuckin’ pie? Cause I got all y’all some fookin’ pie. Some furkin’ life o’ slice o’ pi, y’all.”
And everyone was really blorpin’ confuzzled and were like;
“OF WHOM ART THOU GIVEN TITLE, SAPIENT FEMALE NARWHAL?”
Which pissed Veronicia the fuuke off so she shat a fat one on everyone’ses tables and flipped actual birds at them. Now everyone in the established eating restaurant were very confusioned as to why the fūk there were thousands of blue jays in the ceiling fans.
As Veroonicia approached the counter with the elegance of an obese oompa loompa, the cashier stood stock still. Why, the cashier was death himself.
“heyyoo. like, welcome to
Burger King MICKY-DEES (A FINE EATING ESTABLISHMENT FOR FAMILIES OF ALL AGES) may i, like, take your order?” The Transdimensional Being Of Doom asked the sexy narwhal.
“All y’all should buy all my pie.” She declared, dumping millions of croissants over the cash register, which short circuited the sad money machine.
“i’m so so so so so so sorry ma’am, but we don’t take cash here. so so so sorry in advance, young maiden.” The Eternal God Of Entropy said to Vearoonicia.
“But I got all y’all some pies, y’all can’t eat all my pies ya furckingeth fuuuke.” Vearooneecia said, sobbing her metaphorical eyes out. The Immortal Creature Of Lords rolled his also metaphorical eyes.
Just then, when absolutely nobody in the room was expecting a Shrek™ reference, the Kool-Aid Man™ smashed through a wall. He was later charged eight thousand dollars in cash as payment for his destruction of federal property. He still had to serve seven years in prison however because the police discovered that he had been mixing crack in with his Kool-Aid mix. He plans on taking restorative classes to restore his mental health when he
escapes is let go. (LIKE ANY WALLS COULD HOLD THE MAN OF KOOL)
This turn of events caused the dead Invader Zim fandom to resurrect and start fighting over whether or not Harry Potter would date
Taco Bell MICKY-DEES (A FINE EATING ESTABLISHMENT FOR FAMILIES OF ALL AGES) if he happened to be an alien in the best crossover fanfiction know to man; Attack Of The Love Struck Taco.
They were all eventually killed by the one and only Chuck Norris Grumpy Poptart Cat the Third. So nothing mattered in the end, but Vearooneeciaaa was the only survivor B/C she’s a old misguided FUUUCKCCKkk.
Chapter 2: Apostrophe
Another one for you sadists.
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
“Wa Wa Wa Wa Waaaaa.” Said the most intelligent person on Earth. It was none other than Mila Kunis. She flipped her long elegant blue hair behind her and blinked her sparkly pink anime eyes seductively. She was on a mission to save the planet from annihilation.
It was the end times yet again, and she really furking needed some teethpaste.
She stormed into Home Depot and immediately tripped over her massive tits. She shrieked and wailed in agony, the pure unfiltered feeling of pain inside her enormous anime tiddies made her soul squelch. She cried out motor oil and spat up gobs of bees. The bees wailed as well, being prematurely born from their dying mother.
Their eyes spun in their faces as they screamed out in the falseness of reality. Their souls could not contain the anime.
They burst into plumes of glitter, a final testament to their shrit ridden world.
Mila Kunis stood from her stupor, seemingly unfazed by her painful endeavor. She stormed onwards asserting her dominance using her massive furcking anime boobs by swatting any maintenance away. Every sad Home Depot employee was knocked out by the weight of her tits.
Nothing stood in her way.
As the walking death machine marched onwards towards the world's last supply of teethpaste, she reconciled on her journey so far. She couldn’t remember any of it, because it just happened.
A scarved heathen stood in her path from out of furking nowhere. He smelled strongly of alcoholic doritos and wore and MLP T-shirt. He looked like he had attempted to wear heavy purple eyeliner, but ate the brush halfway. He was overweight as a pimple.
The battle between Mila Kunis and the scarved heathen lasted years. The battle was so epic it could only be described as epicc. With two ‘c’s. There were lasers and deaths and everyone’s favorite character died horribly, everyone mourned their loss, and at the end of it all Mila Kunis stood victorious over a pile of decaying bodies baring her broken bee ridden soul to the unforgiving world. She stormed down the ruined aisles of the broken Home Depot and then…
There it was.
After all these eons.
After all the pain and sorrow.
After it all ended.
Here was her prize.
On a golden pedestal thirty miles high stood the world’s last Jumbo Mumbo Teethpaste container known to man. She climbed the tall pillar, her damaged torso heaving. She had lost so much in the battle. She lost one of her tits. She lost all her limbs twice . She was always in constant torment.
She reached the container and pried open the metal lid with her teethpasteless teeth. She grabbed her trusty spoon which had resided inside her ear for thirty years straight, and jammed in deep in the minty mush.
She ate the whole bucket in gross slobbers and disgusting mouth sounds. Her stomach extended like poor vore you see on Deviantart. The blue paste oozed out the sides of her mouth in waterfalls.
She had succeeded.
Chapter 3: a
I'm out of ideas.
I could be being productive right now but I decided to write and post this instead.
I love lsopods, I want one.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
So there was like, nine or ten nuggets walking down the runway, right? All in their fancy ass shoes and dresses. They had fine ass asses. They were so fine, that the goddamn moon was fucking jealous. And you know how fine an ass the moon got. It looked liked someone shoved some fine ass cheese into their already fine asses. The moon had no tiddies unfortunately so it could go to prom.
But it was so busy at prom that it missed the million dollar runway show with the nuggets.
The moon can GO FUCK ITSELF, THAT UGLY BALD ORB . But then the fire nation attacked.
There was an ugly ass fucking battle between the fire nation and their mixtapes and the actual moon and like, ten chicken nuggets that weren't made of cows. So, like everyone died and death had to go get them even though he has twenty-three day jobs, which was really just a big waste of his time since they were all going to hell anyway.
So everyone was in hell now, the runway was ruined, somehow the prom got even worse, and fucking Satin has had enough of their shit and was about to smack a bitch. The sexy red demon that totally wasn’t gay stood up from the perfectly placed Denny’s diner and tried to eat one of the moon’s buttcheeks. Satin missed however, since the moon’s ass had decreased exponentially in fineness. Then this depression was like;
“I killed my own fish.”
And everyone got really confused, except Satin who was like;
“FUCKING HELL JUDE. NOBODY GIVES A DAMN ABOUT YOUR FUCKING FISH. YOU IN HELL, YOU CAN LITERALLY GO FIND YOUR FISH’S DEAD GHOST SPIRIT THINGY. GODDAMN YOU JUDE.”
June killed herself by being gay for Satin.
“GODDAMMIT, NOT AGAIN. THIS IS THE FIFTH TIME TODAY JUBE. YOU’RE ALREADY DEAD, JUST… WHAT THE SHIT.”
And now the nuggets were really confuzzled and didn’t know what the ass to do. The moon just sat on its non existent boobles. More depression.
So everyone had to go to therapy now, including Satin. It’s a good thing Death is also therapist because he cheap AF. So everyone went to the clinic or whatever and passed out on the really comfortable chairs they got in the lobby. Then Death tried to fuck their fine ass asses.
“WHOA WHOA WHOA. THIS ISN’T A PORNO YOU FAT FLYING FURCKING FLIPPIN’ FLOPPIN’ FLORPIN’ FIGHTIN’ FUCK.” Satin yelled in an anime voice.
“Oi! Fucking fuck fuck no!” Yelled the fire nation, which had previously been forgotten by this damn plot. Death was totally in the wrong here but he didn’t fucking care bro, so he ate all of them in one fell swoop.
“Tastes like chicken.”
That’s because you ate fucking chicken nuggets bro.
Unfortunately Death was a skeleton so he had not innards to contain the therapy patients, so they all escaped. Death watched them ride off into the sunset so Moon can get married and sighed.
“I never wanted this. I wanted to be a chef. How did this happen? How did things go this far?” He asked himself.
He shut his metaphorical eyes and dreamed of a far off place, where dreams came true.
He dreamt of KFC.
All hail KFC.
lookie what i did.
might have to copy n' paste this shit to look at this art but that AY OH KAY
Chapter 4: L
Pickles went flying through space
and stuff happened afterwards
it was cool
Dead memes all around.
i really should be writing my other fanfics but...
i should stop
BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE CHAPTER THIS ONE, IT'S TOO LATE TO BAIL NOW.
Productivity is lame.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
So Suzzanna was all fucked up. And when I say fucked up, I mean fucked up. Like, I don’t think a person could be more fucked up than Suzzanna. It’s just not possible. She was more fucked up than fucking Batman bro, you don’t even know.
So she was trying to escape the Special Spleen Hospital For Special Spooners when she discovered that her goddamn legs were too fucking thin to make it through security. They were all like;
“Shit dawg, we canna let y’all thru. Sorry bro.” The security guard (?) said. Why the question mark tho?
“FOWL HEATHENS. I WILL LEAVE THYNE WRETCHED PALACE OF MISERY AND TORMENT. YOU SHALL RUE THE DAY YOU CROSSED MY PATH, OR MY NAME ISN’T GODDAMN SUZZANNA.” She said. Or she would have said, if she wasn’t fucking mute.
So she needed to get some meat on her bones if she didn’t want look like a damn skeleton. And everyone knows that skeletons are the number one patient not allowed outside of the Special Spleen Hospital For Special Spooners.
But luckily for her she had an ace up her sleeve.
She pulled out her patented Double Sided Teethbrush
™ and called the destroyer of walls…
The Kool-Aid Man™
So this goddamn giant pitcher of sugary death smashed through the wall, the splinters flying everywhere and the the debris falling like rain. He heaved in ancient latin the ancient language of the forbidden fruits ( Tide Pods ), and in the the storm of broken wall, the voice of Chris Pratt sang a soft lullaby to the music of Wake Me Up Inside by Evanescence.
And Suzzanna was free.
She stood alone in the blank void of absolute paperness.
She stood there for years, in the soundless abyss of pain.
Actually there was no pain, there was nothing in that papery plane.
Suzzanna was alone.
BUT THEN SHE SAW IT.
AN ETERNAL MAJESTY OF WHICH THE WORLD HAS NEVER SEEN.
SOMETHING SO BEAUTIFUL THAT THE GODDAMN GODS THEMSELVES CRIED.
THEY CRIED THEIR BEAUTIFUL GODDAMN TEARS FOR THIS.
AND LUCKILY FOR YOU, I HAVE DONE THE IMPOSSIBLE.
JUST THIS ONCE
FOR YOU TO SEE WHAT SUZZANNA SEES DEAR READER.
ARE YOU READY?
I BET YOU’RE NOT.
HERE IT GOES.
You have seen the one and only true thing in the universe.
You are welcome.
I'm going to hell
A bird born in a cage will never learn to fly.
Hail fell, pelting the ground with large chunks of ice.
Elle stood by her window, looking longingly at the outside world. Even though the hail would easily break her father's car window, she still wanted to leave. It just didn’t seem fair.
No, it wasn’t fair at all.
She sighed and pressed her head in her hands, deciding to leave the outside world be. She lifted her head and closed the silk curtains, things her father had bought her as a present for her twelfth birthday four years prior. She would have much preferred a new book or something, but she could never tell him that.
She trotted over to her heart shaped bed, another gift from her father, and flopped gracelessly on to the covers. She wiggled her way up to the pillows and flipped herself over. She was now looking up at her ceiling, which was dotted with hundreds of glow-in-the-dark stars. 239, if she had counted correctly before. A few of them might have fallen off since the last time she counted.
The light in the middle of the room was also covered in plastic stars, to absorb more light she had figured, but they could only be seen when the light was off. She would get to see them soon, when her inevitable curfew rolled around. She groaned into the air, cursing the ever present time limit her father had imposed upon her.
She had argued with him countless times before, telling him all the pros to letting her stay up for just an hour more, but he was stubborn with his rules. Elle sometimes thought he just liked to tuck her in like she was five, but she would always be brought back into reality when the facts came back.
They always came back.
But she had argued it anyway, something she knew her father was annoyed to death by. She checked the circular clock that hung on the wall. It reminded her of the few faint glimpses of the moon she could see between clouds. It read 7:56. Only four more minutes now.
She groaned again, this time louder.
She really wished her father would be more lenient about his schedules, instead of timing everything and anything down to the last second. She really hated that. The clock finally ticked the last few seconds of day away, and the room went dark. The lights had been hooked up to the clock from day one, meaning that everyday at 8:00 pm, the lights would go out. And then her father would come in.
Speak of the devil.
Several metal hatches on the steel door behind her clicked open. A hiss of air flooded the cracks of the door, making it seem like the edges were pulsing. The door flipped forward at last, revealing a tall, spectacled man.
Her father, Norman Lichestal, walked in her room. He shut the door behind him like he always did, and turned to face his daughter. She looked up at him from the comfort of her bed, and he smiled.
“Good evening, daughter.” He said calmly. Elle nodded to her father.
“Good evening. Here to see me?” She asked. She folded her hands onto her lap.
“Here to see you off to dreamland, yes.” He said, walking over to the bed. He swooped down like a hawk and plucked the sheets from under her with ease. He let them flutter over his daughter for a moment before lowering them back down on top of her. As the silken smooth cloth covered her completely, her father sat down.
He started smoothing out the wrinkles in the fabric.
“How was your day?” He asked.
“Same as it’s always been, father.” She replied, “Long and boring.”
Her father chuckled.
“That is a good thing, you know. It is for the best that things stay in a routine.”
Elle rolled her eyes. “You’ve given me this talk a hundred times, father. I don’t need to hear it anymore.”
He let out a laugh this time.
“Ah, yes. But it’s always good to remember the rules, is it not?” He leaned over and placed a hand on Elle’s cheek. “It is all for you, darling.”
She leaned into his hand, knowing he was right.
“Can we go for a ride in your car? The new one? I would like to see the museum again.” She asked, now fiddling with her fingers.
“Perhaps, perhaps. I can’t make any promises. Not to mention the car hasn’t been air sealed yet…”
“But father !” She whined.
“I said we would see. Now get some sleep. You need your rest.” He said, getting up. He went back over to the bolted door and inserted his key card in the slot. The door hissed open once more, and he stepped through.
But before he shut the door behind himself completely, he poked his head through and whispered “I love you, darling.” And the door sealed itself back closed.
She slumped back onto her pillows, letting a breath escape her mouth. She’d argue with him in the morning. But for right then, she’d sleep.
Freedom must be earned, but sometimes it is given.
She woke up to blaring red alarms.
She sat up quickly, and flung the blankets off herself. She screamed. She didn’t know what was going on, she didn’t know why everything had become so loud, or why her father’s schedule had been disobeyed. She fell off her bed, sobbing.
She clamped her hands over her ears, begging for whatever the blaring was to stop.
She got her wish.
The alarms abruptly sparked and exploded on the walls, showering the room in red embers. The entire room went dark.
She raised her head slowly. She had never seen it so dark in her room before. There had always been a nightlight in the corner, scaring all the darkness away. She couldn’t even see her hands in the darkness.
As her eyes adjusted, she could just barely make out her many, many glowing stars now on the floor. The blast from the lights had knocked them down. They did nothing to brighten her room, but remained little pricks of white among the darkness.
She stood, or at least she tried to a couple times, but her legs kept shaking and dropping her abruptly. She managed to stand, and she realized that the entire room, or the entire house even, had a deadly silence run through it. She could hear her heart beating and her breath from her nose. She clutched her head just to remind herself of her orientation in the world. She was fine. She was fine. Father would come in and tell her everything was fine.
It would all be fine.
She made her way over to her curtains mostly by memory. Arms outstretched, her hands brushed her silken curtains. She opened the curtains and saw nothing. Just the same darkness that had swallowed her room. She pressed her hands against the thick glass and her hands felt large, jagged cracks in the glass. Letting air into her room.
Panic bubbling up once more, she ran back to her bed and hid under the covers. Pulling the soft blankets over herself.
She didn’t know what to do.
Do not hide, it will force your fears to find you.
She stayed there until the sun rose through the curtains in a beam of golden light.
She hadn’t slept at all, too scared of what was going on to do much of anything. She looked at the clock on the wall, that was once so reliable, but now the hands had fallen down into the dome and lied there uselessly. As the sun rose behind the curtains she clung to faint hope that her father would come for her.
He had to come for her eventually, right?
She coughed, just slightly. It startled her, not as much as the sirens but a close second. If she was coughing then she must be getting sick.
Panic, as much as or more than before bubbled up inside her and she tucked herself into a ball.
The cracks in the glass.
The air from outside was getting through.
She had hoped…
She was doomed.
The gate to freedom is right in front of you, you must be the one to open it.
More time passed. She didn’t know how long. She had passed out by accident and it was dark now. She was hungry.
She slid off her bed, her feet brushing loose pieces of wall on the floor. She quickly made her way to the window, and opened the curtain all the way. She faintly saw the moon shine through the thick foliage, shining through the cracks in the glass like diamonds.
It wasn’t hailing anymore.
She didn’t know how much time had passed. It was more than a day. That’s all. It could have been more days, could have been weeks.
She’s lost track.
A deep, insufferable hunger had overtaken her. She drank the flowing water from her faucet, but there was no food. She was so hungry. She didn’t know what to call the painful strikes of hot white that danced inside her gut.
She never knew what it was like to be hungry, much less starving.
She stood from her bed, ignoring her new form. She was too thin, she had noted, and the only thing she could guess was that the sickness in the air was doing this. She made her way over to the cracked glass, and peered out at the beautiful, wonderful day that seemed to stretch out endlessly before her.
Now more than ever she wanted to leave. Now more than ever she was too scared to try.
What could she do? Her father would surely come for her, but she doubted if she could hold out that long until he came. Her sickness was getting worse every hour it seemed, or at least what she felt like was every hour.
She pressed her hands to the glass, pressing down slightly, trying to get a better look outside. She recoiled as soon as she heard a loud snap! break through the air. She shuffled back to her bed and tucked her head in between her knees.
The cracks had gotten bigger, but the glass remained.
Your golden cage can hold you no longer, little bird.
Now you must choose.
Will you be free,
or will you be forgotten?
She stood once more, on shaking legs.
A few more days had passed.
She walked over to the tall, looming metal door where the many latches hung brokenly from the hinges.
She pressed on it, and unsurprisingly it didn’t budge.
She shoved on it harder, with all the strength she didn’t have. She gasped for breath as the metal door remained. She took several steps back from it, and with the last of her efforts, rammed into the cold steel. She collapsed in a heap on the floor.
She lay there, her vision blurry.
She was going to die.
She didn’t want to.
She turned her head towards the now curtainless window, and at the sparkling spiderweb of cracks. They shimmered in the light like a rainbow after a storm, and even in her bleary state, they shone out to her. Like they were calling to her.
She stood up once more, with more energy than she realized. She stumbled over to the window, breathing heavily. She pressed her finger to the cracks, and traced them. All of them. She traced them so many times she stopped counting. There was nothing to count anymore.
Placing her palms on the warm, almost crystal like barrier, she leaned forward. She weighed significantly less than she had before, but the thick glass was brittle, and the entire pane fell apart like music.
It shattered around her, and the first thing she knew was that a gust of cool wind was trying to sweep her off her feet. The air outside was impossibly fresh, it was like nothing she had ever experienced before. The filtered air that she had known for sixteen years and air she had know while trapped in a broken cell were long forgotten as the smell of dew, and flowers, and grass, and the outside world filled her senses.
She gingerly stepped over the broken glass, and hesitated only a moment before letting her feet touch the wet soil.
She stood there, seemingly entranced by the strange feeling.
She looked behind her, and found that it was strange to view her room, her home, from the outside. It felt new.
She felt new.
She took more steps, finding that walking was even more difficult than before, even though her heart raced and her mind whirled.
Her mind flicked back breifly to the many warning her father had given her.
“The air is poison.”
“There are toxins in the outside world.”
“You are not allowed to leave .”
She ignored the thoughts.
She sucked in a deep breath, deciding she had already breathed enough of the air already that it no longer mattered. If the air was poison, at least it was sweet.
She looked up at the sky, and for the first time in her life experienced the vast expanse of blues and whites and golds. Clouds twirled like dancers through the air, seeming to circle the sun like how the hands on a clock circle the center.
The sun was bright, too bright to look at, but she felt its warm rays beat down on her skin like an embrace.
She stood, overwhelmed.
She was finally outside.
And after many minutes of wonder and awe, she made her way forward.
She didn’t look back at her old home, so familiar yet so cold, and turned her eyes, her hope filled eyes, towards the unknown.
To a new home.
Go find your meaning, love.
Whether that will be a movement against starvation, or some dumb story you wrote online, go put yourself out there.
Don’t be afraid, don’t limit yourself, and don’t close off doors that took so long to open.
Find others to be with, and make sure you’re there with them. That they’re there with you.
Be kind, be kind to all you meet, because there will be a lot of people to meet.
Be smart, you have the capacity, there are times where you’ll need it.
Be strong, and know that strength is something found within.
And remember, the world is against you.
It’s against all of us.
We’re all in this mess together.
this is the worst one b/c I actually tried