Chapter 1: Hold your horses!
ABC is sweet-talking Cliff for the next Bachelor
Since last week, ABC has been in negotiations with Uncut Casting Services, the agency that manages Cliff’s career, apparently looking to recruit Cliff for The Bachelor’s next season. Is the television network ready to manage the full power of this stallion?
“You can take this rumor straight from the horse's mouth. We don’t have an offer yet,” Aaron Spitz, Cliff’s long-time manager, said in a press conference early this week.
Despite this statement, sources inside the network inform us the production crew, led by Mike Fleiss, has expressed an interest in bringing their first Stallion to the small screen. Reports have it ABC has received numerous complaints about cookie-cutter cuties over the last six seasons and the show could do with a bit of new blood.
Our reporting team tracked Cliff to his house in Brentwood, CA, where they asked the beau in question for his opinion on these reports. He received them by his pool and gave them a full interview, which will be available in our next issue. In short, Cliff said:
“I can’t deny I have been riding high in the saddle lately,” Cliff said, modestly, while blinding us with his pearly white wet coat and immaculate silver speedo, “but let’s not forget that reality shows have bucked me in the past. You could say I still have a burr under my saddle. I’m worried they will put me out to pasture. ”
Only time will tell if we'll enjoy Cliff’s dreamy presence on the show, but I'm sure I speak for many of our readers when I say: Reality TV, offer Cliff some sweet hay and make us happy!
Chapter 2: Scandal!
Public spat at VICE
A public argument escalated to violence last Saturday night in the well-known dancing club VICE when Janel and Janis cleared the air in the loudest way.
Between them they have 50 million records and 90 million singles worldwide, but the public has never seen them share the scene. Word on the street says they can’t stand each other, but this is the first time their alleged rivalry has exploded in public. An eye witness reported Janel threw a half-filled bottle of champagne at Janis’s head before charging her, hooves first.
“We've had celebrities behave badly before,” the night manager of VICE said, “but this is the first time we've seen violent horseplay on the dance floor!”
As of today, no reasons have been provided for the argument, but neither participants nor bystanders were injured. The club suffered some structural damage, including a hoof dent in the signature steel walls. However, the police were called when no amount of persuasion was enough to calm Janel. While rumors of controlled substances surround our filly, there is no evidence illicit oats played a role in the incident.
“This is a one horse town!” Janel was heard to shout as she was escorted off the premises. Police assigned to the case refused comment as the investigation is ongoing.
VICE's owners have refused to pursue the issue, and rumor has it they have plans to frame the wall with the hoof dimple.
Chapter 3: From the Red Carpet
Bobbi hints at new album
The wonder in mint green has surprised us again at the red carpet of the Grammys. Bobbi showed her signature pink tinsel in a new and elegant high chignon and a white flowing dress by Chris Liu. Surrounded by her usual entourage and with Jesse Spencer as her beau for the night, Bobbi let us know about her next projects.
How do you dress a horse? Chris Liu explains his creation on page 3.
Bobbi is the singer of choice for those who like the oldies. She not only manages to bring back the sound of the fifties but in her last unplugged show she delighted us with her renditions of classic hits from Donna Summer, Diana Ross, and Irene Cara.
“I’m here to celebrate the greatest performers of this year,” Bobbi said with a grin. “Please don’t ask me what we're cooking up for next year. My record label and I are not horsing around with the next tour and the upcoming album.”
“I’m here in case the dress catches fire,” Jesse Spencer jokes about his role as Bobbi’s arm candy on page 12.
Although three years have passed since Bobbi released a new album, everything's coming up roses for the performer. Her unplugged tour has been re-extended because the Asian market demanded more shows. Dates are confirmed in Shanghai, Karachi, Mumbai, Jakarta, Tokyo, and Kuala Lumpur. We hope there won't be a repeat of the Malay incident, and this newspaper wishes her all sort of success in her new adventure.
“I’m not a pet,” Bobbi impounded in Bintulu Airport, page 7.
“I can only ask you to join me in champing at the bit while we sort out the last details,” Bobbi concluded with genuine enthusiasm, “We're coming up like a powerful dark horse!”
While we wait for her new release, we had the pleasure of an impromptu performance of Despacito with Luis Fonsi during the official after party that included the presence of Adele, Heidi Klum, Channing Tatum, and Spencer Ludwig, among many other stars.
Chapter 4: Thoughts and Prayers
World in turmoil about the fate of the Royal Foal
The whole world waits to hear from Her Royal Highness Anya’s doctors, praying for the health of the Royal Foal, since the fainting spell Her Highness suffered during the November 28th Silent Auction in benefit of war orphans. We still lack confirmation of Anya’s condition.
Despite the warnings of her health specialist team, Her Royal Highness hosted the silent auction at Museum of Modern Art. Twenty pieces of art made by Sarena were auctioned to help the rescue efforts of orphans from the Rohingya persecution in Myanmar.
“The Royal House is appalled by the conditions people in Myanmar are forced to suffer,” Anya said in the speech she delivered at the beginning of the auction. “We are glad to provide Sarena with a platform for her groundbreaking work, but we must not forget this is a humanitarian crisis and should touch all of our hearts. I know very well that you can lead a donor to auction, but you can't make them bid. I implore you: Get off your high horses and open your wallets!”
Anya always has been active in worldwide charity events, but she has slowed her pace since she announced her pregnancy last January. At that time, she hired some staff members to help her navigate the amount of work she coordinates from her home in the French Alps.
Immediately following the fainting spell, there was chaos among the first responders: staff were unclear whether they should rush Her Royal Highness to St. Mark Veterinary or Mount Sinai hospital. Ultimately, Her Royal Highness was rushed to an undisclosed location, but doctors have been spotted coming and going from the local offices of the consulate.
“Doctor-patient privilege prevents us from discussing the condition of Her Royal Highness,” the doctors said to the mob of reporters crowded at the door of the consulate. “When we are permitted to release the information you'll get it straight from the horse's mouth.”
In addition to the dearth of news about the Royal Foal, there remains no news of Anya’s husband, the august Prince Consort, Corin.
We will keep you posted.
Chapter 5: Show Biz!
‘Homo’: Resounding success
Despite the naysayers, the current production of ‘Homo’ just celebrated one hundred performances. ‘Homo’, a gender and species-bent version of the famous play 'Equus' by Peter Shaffer, presents Ariel in the role of Alana Strang. Rave reviews across the country proclaim 'Homo' the best play on Broadway this season, and most reviewers consider it a strong contender for this year’s Tony.
“I won't lie; this role is a horse of a completely different color. It took me a long time to get comfortable,” Ariel confessed while the make-up artists put her golden curls in order. “I have so many things to thank Trevor for most of all because he bet on the right horse when he adapted the play to have me in it.”
And the amazing is that Trevor doesn’t need to pony up that bet! ‘Homo’ stormed Broadway by including the topical themes of sexual harassment and the repercussions of domestic violence. Ariel’s full-frontal nudity was also a topic of contention for those critics who seriously oppose the sexual objectification of a mare who’s not quite of age. Despite all these arguments, the adaptation and its fabulous mise-en-scène have received numerous accolades.
“It’s kind of funny if you think about it,” Ariel said between strokes of make-up brushes, “the more the people complain about the nudity, the more certain I am they aren't getting the play's message. Sometimes, people are so silly.”
You can judge Ariel and Sir Derek Jacobi's performances for yourself, if you are lucky enough to get tickets. The play is booked through next spring. The theatrical company is in negotiations to extend the performances to the summer of 2019.