Actions

Work Header

How Dick Deadeye Stole Christmas

Work Text:

 

All the sailors in Penzance like weddings a lot,

But Dick Deadeye, who lived on the Pinafore, did not.

Deadeye hated weddings, especially Christmas season,

Now please don’t ask why, no one quite knows the reason.

 

It could be because his name wasn’t quite nice,

It could be his ugliness led to this vice,

But I think the most likely reason of all,

Is his three-cornered, triangular heart was too small

 

But whatever the reason that his cheer was marred,

He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the tars.

“And they’re planning more weddings,” he snarled with a sneer.

“Tomorrow is Christmas!  It’s practically here!”

 

Then he growled, in time with the orchestra’s drumming,

“I MUST find a way to stop Christmas from coming.:

For tomorrow he knew, all the maidens and tars,

Would steal to the shore, by the light of the stars,

Find clergymen there, and all would rejoice,

“And that’s one thing I hate, all the noise, Noise, Noise NOISE!”

 

Then the sailors, one and all, would sit down to a feast,

And they’d feast, and they’d feast and they’d FEAST FEAST FEAST FEAST

There’d be rollicking buns and of course plenty of teas,

Which was something Dick Deadeye couldn’t stand in the least

 

And then, they’d do something he liked least of all.

Every sailor and pirate, at the orchestra’s call

Would stand close together, the bells would start ringing,

They’d stand hand-in-hand, and they all would start singing!

And they’d sing, and they’d Sing, and they’d SING SING SING SING!

 

And the more Deadeye thought of this big Christmas wedding,

The more that he thought, “I must stop this whole thing!”

For 53 years I’ve put up with it now,

I must find a way to stop Christmas from coming!  But how?”

 

Then he got an idea.  An AWFUL idea.

Dick Deadeye had a wonderful, awful idea!

 

“I know just what to do” Deadeye laughed in his throat.

“I need a quick Corcoran hat and a coat!”

“If I look like the captain, I’ll earn their trust quick,

Maidens and sailors won’t know they’ve been tricked!”

 

“I still need some help, to pull off this crime,

But where can I find one?  I haven’t much time!”

Then he thought of a man who he couldn’t avoid,

A young Baronet, Sir Despard Murgatroyd!

Whose ancestral ghosts, when stepped down from a frame,

Would never have seen a day’s crime quite the same.

 

Then they loaded some bags, and some old sacks for mail,

on a small creaky boat, and they began to sail.

Sir Despard said “Ahoy!”, and their boat started down,

Toward the ships where the tars lay asleep near their town.

 

All the anchors were dropped.  Sounds of waves filled the air.

All the sailors were dreaming sweet dreams without care

When they came to the first little home on the square

“This is stop number one” the old Deadeye Dick hissed

And he climbed down the mast, empty bags in his fist.

 

Then he slithered and slunk with a smile most unpleasant

Around the whole room he took each wedding present!

Snuff and Tobaccy and succulent chops!

Ribbons and laces and peppermint drops!

 

Then he slunk to the icebox, and took eggs and the ham!

He took all the muffins, and strawberry jam!

Yes, he cleared out that icebox and every last bun,

Why, Deadeye even took their last gay Sally Lunn.

 

Then he put all the food in a bag he could take,

“And now,” grinned Despard, “for the big wedding cake!”

 

And Despard grabbed the cake and they started to shove,

When they heard a small sound, like the coo of a dove,

He turned around and saw someone! Who?

Why Little Prince Hilarion, who was no more than two.

 

The two had been caught by this tiny young Prince,

Who had snuck out of bed for more Christmas peppermints.

And he stared at Dick Deadeye and said, “Captain, why?

Why are you taking our wedding cake? WHY?”

 

But you know, old Despard was so smart and so slick,

He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick.

“Why my sweet little Prince,” the young Baronet lied,

“This cake isn’t good for your twelvemonth old bride,

So I’ll go and exchange it for things she’d prefer,

Healthier food is much better for her.”

 

And this fib fooled the child, Deadeye patted his head,

and got him a mint, and sent him to bed.

And when Little Hilarion finally slept,

To the next little house those two villains crept....

 

It was quarter to dawn, all the tars still asleep,

When back onto their boat this old duo did leap.

Packed it up with their mock turtle and two-shilling gloves!

Manzanilla, Montero, and amorous doves!

 

Three thousand leagues west! To Utopia’s Isle,

Baronet and the ugly tar drove with a smile.

“Pooh!  Bah! to them all” Dick was merrily humming

“They’re finding out now that no weddings are coming!

They’re just waking up and I know what they’ll do!

Their mouths will hang open a minute or two

And all those down in Penzance will all cry BOO-HOO!”

 

“That’s a noise,” grinned Despard, “That we simply must hear”

So they paused, and each man put a hand to his ear.

And they did hear a sound rising over the sea,

 

But this sound wasn’t sad! 

This sound sounded glad!

Everyone down in Penzance, the maidens and all,

Were singing!  Without any weddings or balls!

 

And what happened then? Well, in Penzance they say

That Dick Deadeye’s strange heart grew three sizes that day!

And Sir Despard, to whom the bad curse had been given,

Bestowed it upon his old brother, Sir Ruthven!

 

Then they brought back the things and the true Captain’s hat,

But old Deadeye took solace- he still had his “cat”.