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To Find Absolution

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“I’m glad to see you in one piece and get some time alone with you, love,” Anders murmured against Hawke’s neck as they laid on the bed, facing each other. The dogs had been let into the suite and left to settle anywhere but their room, because Hawke had plans that didn’t involve Fang licking Anders’s foot at the worst possible time. Again.

He reached up and ran a hand over Anders’s cheek. “I missed you. You could have just as easily been locked up tonight, though, and while I might make a joke about restraints, that wasn’t really what I had in mind. I’d ask what you were thinking, but I know exactly what you were thinking.” It’s why I love you. He leaned forward and kissed Anders.

His beard tickled at Anders’s chin and Anders smiled, leaning into the kiss. After a moment they pulled apart. “Maybe we’re just keeping you on your toes.”

“Maybe the two of you will be the death of me.” Hawke chuckled, running a hand along Anders’s thigh over his pants. “I’m just glad to see you both.”

“Us too.” A glimmer of blue came over Anders’s skin, flashing through his eyes.

Sometimes Hawke still didn’t always know what to make of this, but felt right to him. Who and what Anders was encompassed Justice as well; they inhabited the same body, with aspects that ebbed and flowed. At times, Hawke worried that it wasn’t healthy for Justice that this all happened. How much did spirits understand of love? Of sex?

It had taken a lot of conversations, a lot of trying to sort everything out. Their life in Kirkwall had Hawke and Anders together, with Justice as something of a third party. They’d all gone into it having no idea what would happen, how it would work out, or anything, really. As such, as the situation in Kirkwall destabilized, Justice hadn’t had the opportunity to know Hawke as Anders did, as Anders frequently tried to push that part of himself down when with Hawke.

After fleeing Kirkwall, Hawke made it clear: no more secrets. No more hiding. And that included Justice. They’d decided, the three of them, that Justice should be an equal part of this relationship, and to the degree at which he felt comfortable. He was a spirit, and they don’t have the same concept of attachments as people, but Justice was also Anders. Anders was Justice. And if Hawke were to help keep them both sane, he’d need to live with them both.

Hawke didn’t pretend to understand it all, but he was grateful, and happier than he’d ever been. He smiled at the blue glow along Anders’s skin. “So now I’ve got your attention?”

“You always have our attention.” He laughed. “Well, you always have my attention, anyway.”

“I would never imply that Justice might be less motivated than you by sex.”

“He’s not motivated by sex. But we’re both motivated by you, which is convenient.” Anders lifted Hawke’s hand up and rolled off the bed, standing. Hooking his thumbs into the edge of his pants, he pulled them down, freeing the erection that Hawke had known he’d had since they walked in the room.

“You’ve been going all day without underwear?” Hawke asked.

“No, you savage. Half the day. I spent the other half in the shape of a cat, sneaking around this place looking for a bathroom.”

“Ah.” Hawke grinned at him. “Because you didn’t want that thing to happen again-“

“Hawke,” Anders warned, his hands on the edge of his shirt. “I can stop right now, if you don’t stop right there.”

“No fun, Anders.”

The blue glow intensified and a tone of Justice’s voice crept in. “You seem to usually comment that we are fun.”

Hawke winked, rolling over and sitting on the edge of the bed. “I’m sorry, I’ve had a pretty crazy few days. Maybe you need to remind me.”

The growl that Anders let out was somewhere between both their voices and Hawke stood. He reached forward, tugging Anders’s hands away from his shirt so he could lift it, his hands brushing over Anders’s skin. He pulled it over Anders’s head, tossing it over a chair and sitting back down. His hands on the other’s hips, he pulled him towards him and wrapped his arms around his back. He felt the familiar knotted scar tissue, every line clear under his fingertips. Sometimes, it made him sad and he just wanted to hold Anders and never let the rest of the world see him. Anders, though, could never heal if locked away. He would always take those chances, to help someone. “The world doesn’t deserve you.” He kissed along a blue glowing scar on Anders’s chest, and the other man drew a breath and tangled his hands in Hawke’s hair.

He leaned in close against Hawke’s ear. “You are far too overdressed.”

Hawke’s pulse thumped in his ears, and sometimes wondered if it would ever occur to Anders or Justice that they could probably finish him off just by talking to him. He hoped they never figured that out, anyway. That would just lead to him tied to a chair again.

Anders reached down and pulled Hawke’s shirt off of him, then reached out his hands to encourage Hawke to his feet. His hands caught in the edge of his pants and underwear at the same time, and he carefully pulled down, revealing Hawke’s own erection. His hands on Hawke’s hips, he pulled them against each other and moaned. “We missed you.”

“Show me how much you missed me.” Hawke let himself fall backwards onto the bed, and let Anders pull his pants off the rest of the way.

They moved onto the bed and Anders straddled Hawke, placing his hands on the other’s chest. The blue glow played across his skin. “Oh, we plan on it.”

Placing his hands on Anders’s thighs, Hawke trailed his fingers over the other’s skin. Anders leaned down and kissed him, and Hawke ran his hands over his skin, over muscle and scars, the familiar roadmap of his body. Anders let his body lay along Hawke’s, kissing him on the mouth, his tongue running along Hawke’s lips. Hawke opened his mouth to him willingly, welcoming him. Each kiss reminded Hawke how grateful he felt just to be here with them. He reached a hand up and ran it over Anders’s cheek, who closed his eyes and leaned into the touch.

Sometimes, it hurt to love him this much, like something in his chest would burst. It felt too good to kiss him, too good to be fucked by him. Hawke pulled away from their kiss. “You brought oil I assume?” he asked, rolling his hips up against Anders.

“No, I was just going to use butter,” Anders teased, swinging his leg over and reaching past Hawke to the table by the bed.

“Should I pretend to be a biscuit?”

An extra flicker of blue came over the mage’s skin as he moved between Hawke’s legs. “I am not sure what the appeal of that would be.”

Hawke laughed. “Forget I said anything.”

Anders opened the bottle and tipped oil into his hand, then handed the bottle to Hawke who did the same before placing it back on the table. As he set it down, he almost dropped it as Anders wrapped his hand around Hawke’s cock. He let out a hiss of air at the touch, of those long fingers gripping him. Hands that healed, hands that had hurt, hands that coaxed out a passion in Hawke that he hadn’t thought possible.

He trailed an oiled finger over Anders’s length before wrapping his fingers around him and stroking him. Anders moaned and tightened his hand around Hawke. Then, he opened his hand and pushed Hawke’s hand away, wrapping his hand around them both and using his other hand to hold himself up. They thrust against each other, and Hawke put his hand on Anders’s, tightening the grip. He looked up at Anders’s face, at the cracks of blue, at this man and this spirit who he’d been through so much with. Every push against each other caused him to inhale, and his breathing matched their tempo.

Letting go of them both, Hawke tipped his hips back and brought his legs up so that his ankles were over Anders’s shoulders. Anders’s other hand slipped down, between Hawke’s legs. “Is this what you want?”

Unable to speak, Hawke nodded as Anders slid two long oiled fingers into him. Hawke moaned at the sensation, of Anders’s fingers inside of him. Anders slid his fingers in and out and Hawke’s hand reached for him, finding his arm and gripping it hard. His fingers pressed against Anders’s flesh and his breath caught. How was it they had waited so long in Kirkwall, longing for each other for years until they touched like this? Hawke couldn’t imagine it now, couldn’t imagine life without them.

He bent his fingers inside of Hawke, who gasped at the sensation. “Or do you want more than this?”

He didn’t wait for an answer, instead shifting his position. Hawke looked up at him, Anders’s face framed by Hawke’s legs as Anders reached one hand up and ran it down Hawke’s leg. Anders’s eyes faded to brown, and Hawke couldn’t look away. He’d never been able to look away.

Anders smiled and shifted his hips forward slowly, burying himself in Hawke. Savoring every inch, Hawke moaned and clenched at the sheets with one hand. They melted into each other, moving together. Anders’s fingernails raked over Hawke’s leg, his breathing becoming heavy as he found his rhythm. Blonde hair fell to frame face, and Hawke didn’t know if he’d ever seen anything so perfect.

Hawke reached to touch himself but Anders grabbed his hand and lifted it to his mouth. “Not yet.” He wrapped his lips around two of Hawke’s fingers and sucked. Those lips…  

Anders kept hold of his hand and kissed Hawke’s palm. The blue flared up and Hawke realized how normal that felt, now. “You know we’ll take care of you.”

Of course Hawke knew that, but what he wanted and what he knew weren’t the same things at that moment. He just craved the touch, needed it. They’d been apart for over two months and Hawke had laid awake in this very bed in Skyhold, wishing Anders laid beside him. “I’ve been taking care of myself,” he managed.

Anders’s hands reached down and took hold of him, wrapping around his cock and holding him. Slowly at first then with increasing speed, he stroked Hawke as he drove into him over and over, and Hawke moaned every time he thrust deeply into him. Hawke started feeling the tension building up as their bodies pounded against each other.

Laying a hand flat on Hawke’s chest, Anders’s fingers curled against Hawke’s skin, nails raking over flesh. The blue cracks intensified for a moment, then faded, and that’s when Hawke knew that Anders was close.

With one last push inside of Hawke, Anders let out a sound somewhere between a cry and a moan, his body twitching as he came into Hawke. His fingers convulsed with his body, eliciting another sound from Hawke. He felt it coming on and his back arched, then he felt Anders slip out of him. He gasped at the empty feeling until Anders replaced his cock with two fingers so that he could wrap his mouth around Hawke’s own throbbing cock.

“Oh, Maker,” Hawke moaned, his fingers tanging in Anders’s hair. He loved this man. He didn’t know how to not love him.

He could feel his body tightening around Anders’s fingers, still thrusting, the tension building in him until it exploded. For that moment, the world stopped; there was nothing else but them, here. He let out a gasping moan as Anders kept working him with his lips and tongue.

Just as Hawke started to feel too sensitive to it all, Anders pulled back, running a hand across his mouth and smiling. Hawke reached for him and pulled him close, wrapping his arms around him as Anders laid his head against Hawke’s chest. Anders laid his hand on Hawke’s chest, his hand idly running through the hair there. The blue glow faded from his skin, but Hawke knew that it didn’t mean Justice wasn’t there, simply that he didn’t choose to show himself.

Stroking Anders’s hair, Hawke tilted his head forward to kiss him. “I wish you wouldn’t take chances. That could have ended badly.”

Anders snorted. “They would have been in for a nasty surprise.” His hand continued in comforting circles on Hawke’s chest. “Do you remember by the lake what I said?”

Hawke thought for a moment. “The time you yelled ‘fuck Templars’ across Lake Calenhad?”

Laughing, Anders pushed himself up on his elbow to look at Hawke. “No, although that was a good moment. The other time.”

Hawke remembered. It’s a moment he’d never forget. He repeated Anders’s words back to him. “I wish we could be like this forever, love.”

“That.” Anders reached up and caressed Hawke’s cheek. “I love you, Garrett.”

Almost no one called him by his first name, and he drew a breath in. Every time it made something in him sing, soar, something he couldn’t always put his finger on. It sounded like home.

“And I love you.” He rolled over on his side and kissed him on the lips, resting his forehead against the mage’s. A flicker of blue appeared above where Anders’s beard ended, and Hawke ran his finger along the blue crack. He pulled back and kissed that spot on Anders’s cheek. “I love you, too.”

Anders’s hand trailed over his shoulder. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Always remembering that we’re both here.”

Hawke snorted. “As if I could forget. It’s not like you’re both subtle or anything, the blue is a giveaway.” He reached up and wrapped his fingers around Anders’s. “We’re in this together.” He leaned forward and pulled at Anders’s ear with his lips. “And I wouldn’t change a thing.”

“It’s been less than ten minutes, even my Grey Warden stamina can’t do it.”

Laughing, Hawke kissed his neck. “Oh, neither can I. I just like chewing on your ear.” He brushed Anders’s hair out of his face. “You need a haircut.”

“And you don’t?”

“We can be scruffy together.” Hawke regarded him. “I’m worried about Audra. Even if we manage to save Alistair, aren’t they getting close to their Callings? Do you think the plan to cure the Taint will work?”

“It has to. Not just for them, but for… well.” Anders smiled, looking sad. While Justice could hold the effect of the Calling at bay, they never knew how long that would last, and they’d suspected that the Taint was something that made it harder for Anders and Justice to be merged fully. Most of the time it worked out fine, but the Taint would always cause some discomfort so long as Justice had to take the role of protecting Anders from it. On the other hand, Hawke didn’t know what would happen if the Taint were gone. It would be another change to the dynamic.

But they’d gotten through changes before. They’d do it again.

Blue flickered across Anders’s skin, his eyes glowing. “It is also the right thing to do for the Wardens that have fought so hard to protect those that need it. They deserve that chance.”

“That they do, Justice.” He wrapped an arm around them and pulled them against him, tucking his head against theirs.

Conventional it was not, but Garrett Hawke had never thrived on conventional.