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Your Voice (My Lullaby)

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Hoseok realizes he has a thing for Yoongi’s voice one day before a concert.


Almost every member is sitting around in the waiting room. Jimin, Jin, and Jungkook lay in a pile in the corner of the room, Taehyung is getting his makeup done and Namjoon and Yoongi are sitting and passively discussing plans for their next album. Hoseok is trying to get his power nap in, not unlike anyone else. For some reason though, he finds his eyes are getting heavier quicker than usual. He’s resting his head what looks to be a couple inches away from Yoongi’s shoulder— that’s where it’s coming from.


The elder sounds tired, that could be deadly before a concert. But the low rasp of his voice sounds appealing, like listening to those strange ASMR videos Taehyung seems to enjoy (Hoseok listened to them once, it was weirdly soothing, but he couldn’t fall asleep to them.)


Slowly, Hoseok fell to the brink of unconsciousness. He had a deeper, better sleep than he had ever had in the dingy waiting room of a venue. He realizes it was all thanks to the deep drawl of Yoongi rambling on about something Hoseok couldn’t even remember. Weird, but whatever got him some much needed rest.


Soon enough, he wanted to hear it again. Maybe it was a bit strange, but all the younger wanted was to press himself against Yoongi’s chest and let him simply talk the boy to sleep. That’s how it began.


Over the next few days Hoseok starts to develop a bit of a problem.


Every night, no matter if it was an off day or if they had spent hours at dance practice, he would toss and turn in bed until the sun began to peek over the dark walls of the buildings next door. The same night Jimin and Jungkook would lay passed out unconscious Hoseok would be staring at the ceiling, waiting for sleep to take him too.


It never did.


Hoseok starts to thinking of whatever might have caused this. There wasn’t anything specific bothering him. There weren’t any fights or disturbances within the group. All of it he could blame on stress, but even so the last times he’s gotten to the point of breaking down with stress he was still able to rest, albeit with small amounts.


This is really the first time he’s gone days without a blink of sleep. Of course, being an idol meant many restless nights spent with little time to slow down— but usually he was able to power nap between schedules.


Hoseok decides he hates it. It’s not like anybody would like it though. He hates the way he feels like he’s dragging all day, getting through dance practice stumbling and tripping on his own feet and doing simple tasks at a ridiculously slow pace. He’s irritable, it’s like the slightest comment could set him off. Hoseok feels like there’s a snapping coil of taut wire in his chest; tightly bound but ready to collapse at any second.


This is most prominent in dance practice. When there’s the pressure of being the dance leader and the eyes of the rest of the members staring him down, even though they’re going about their own business. Every few minutes the music seems to get louder, blaring into his ears and vibrating to his core. The more times the songs repeat the harder it is to breathe. It feels like he’s being choked by the hands of his fatigue. It’s not like this is unusual for an idol, so he ignores it the best he can.


There must be a look on his face when break is called because as soon as the track switches off there’s Jimin scurrying to his side with a perspiring water bottle in hand.


“Tough night, hyung? These dances get harder with every comeback, huh?” The younger smiles easily, his plush pink lips stretching the slightest bit making his eyes puff up. It’s cute, but Hoseok doesn’t feel like pointing it out.


The redhead smiles, it feels almost foreign. “You’re right.” Hoseok lowers himself to the ground to rub at his ankles and cool down before practice starts again. Jimin is still standing, peering at the elder quizzically.


His smile tinged with concern, “Are you alright? Did you hurt yourself?” Jimin kneels before the elder, scanning his body for any visible injuries. “I noticed earlier you seemed tense, if you’re hurt you need to tell someone.”


Hoseok feels irritation spread thick beneath his skin. It’s weird, usually Jimin gives off a soft and easy aura, but right now Hoseok thinks he’d break down if he were to keep this front up. He feels like his emotions aren’t in his control anymore, that the sturdy wall he built so long ago was being stripped down and the ugliest of his thoughts were on full display.


The smile is still painted on his face, but his voice comes out sharp, “I’m fine.”


Jimin chuckles, but this time it doesn’t reach his eyes. He tries again,  “Alright, but you should drink something. You haven’t stopped since we got here.” Wavy blond strands of hair cascade to the side as Jimin leans down to pass him the water bottle in his hand. Jimin quirks his lips again, tentative. His hand stays outstretched but Hoseok doesn’t move to take it.


Jimin’s voice is soft, “Here.”


Hoseok stares at the bottle. he’s thirsty, but he can’t make himself take it. “I’m fine, thanks.”


“Hyung, you should-”


“Jimin-ah, I said i’m fine.”




Hoseok’s voice didn’t come out quite the way he wanted it to. It sliced through the easy mid-break chatter, he felt all eyes gravitate towards him. Hoseok quickly looked down and pressed his lips into a tight line. Even facing the floor he could feel the inquisitive gazes laid upon him, his chest felt even tighter than before.


He clenches his jaw, stupid. Jimin is still looking at him, as were the rest of the members. “Sorry, that came out weird. I’m fine Jiminie. Thank you.”


Jimin shuffles a little on his feet, suddenly looking a little sheepish. “It’s alright, I’ll drink it. Uh— don’t overwork yourself though.” And with that the younger nods his head and toes off to stand next to the rest of the maknaes. Hoseok looks around tentatively, everyone’s minding themselves now, but the air is awkward.


The next half hour of down time continues with a thin sheet of tension. It’s not as if Hoseok doesn’t hear it. Namjoon and Seokjin’s hushed whispers of “mood swings” and “stress” and “hormones”. It’s not like he couldn’t hear Taehyung snickering and trying to brighten the mood with soft teasing. Yoongi, gaze sharp and disappointed. Jimin and Jungkook kept to themselves, silently worrying over their ever bright Hoseok-hyung suddenly having a fucking breakdown.


When end of break is called, Hoseok smiles again. He nods to Jimin, ‘ I’m fine, see?’


Hoseok trips during his footwork in DNA, and bumps into everybody at least once in every other song. He’s not fine, not really.


Hoseok bends to catch his breath, hands clasped on his knees. The upbeat chorus of their title song still blares through the speakers on the wall. It’s probably too loud, if it weren’t for the soundproof layering he’d probably have noise complaints by now. Hoseok felt like he was catching his breath even standing still; mind left behind body. The music was vibrating into his lungs, he sucked in like it was air, but it felt like he was downing cold water. The hours spent working and practicing added up were edging on too much.


He looks onto one of the mirrored walls. Dark circles, sunken eyes, pale skin; the idol image to be expected gone completely. Hoseok doesn’t remember the last time he’s felt this drained. A sigh, he walks over to pause the music and suddenly it’s eerily quiet. His joints burned and his knees were bruised into constellations of red, purples, and deep blues. ‘ What time was it? The others left around 2 hours ago, right?’


Hoseok’s eyes skate around the room, ‘ hadn’t there been a clock?’ Lifting to his legs, he hobbles to his phone plugged up to the wall— 1 AM. So it had been 4 hours. He slides to rest on the floor against the mirror.


He missed dinner. What if the others were starting to worry? Knowing Jimin, his concern must be heightened after the earlier incident. Hoseok cringes, ‘ good going.’ The elder members were used to it though— it wasn’t as if this were the first time he’s stayed a couple of hours too late. As long as it doesn’t end in injury it was alright, right?


There’s a sharp sting traveling through his shoulders. If 1 AM doesn’t mark the end of practice, an injury may be the end result. On top of his attitude lately, that’s the last thing Hoseok needs. Staying meant forcing himself to keep going and risk getting hurt. Going back to the dorm meant facing the others, they may not even question him but the tension isn’t something he thinks he can handle right now. There’s not many options left other than those. He’d go to Hope World to finish up some outlines he’d been working on, but they’d most likely get scrapped. In short, there wasn’t really anywhere he could go.


Except maybe one place.


It’s a stupid idea, he doesn’t even want to talk to anyone, but for some reason it offers an excuse to lay down and actually try to sleep. If he were to end up going to his studio in the end he’d probably just work himself up even more. But if he were to go to Yoongi’s….


Yoongi would have to question him in the beginning, Hoseok usually wants to go home as soon as practice ends to wash off all the dried sweat and grime he’d have attained. The only shower was at the dorm, so he’d have to show up without one. Yoongi would want to know what’s making him not go back to the dorm, but with simple evasion he could forgo answering that question.


Plus, the couch Yoongi had in the corner was much more comfortable than the one Hoseok had in his own studio.


The decision wasn’t really thought out much, the boy grabbing his phone and bag and slipping on his shoes to walk down to Genius Lab was something automatic. Maybe he didn’t want to think. Maybe this would give him a chance to stop thinking.


The only time Hoseok second guesses himself is when he’s standing in front of the door.


He should really just go home, but the day was really starting to take a toll on his legs; it would be stupid to have to walk all the way back when he’s already here. Hoseok rings the bell and holds his breath.


After a couple of seconds there’s a muffled shout of “It’s open,” through the hard surface of the door. He holds his breath, ‘no turning back now.’


Hoseok enters the room to see Yoongi’s back facing him, headphones on, and a slow beat playing from the speakers on either side of the monitor. Hoseok stands in the doorway, he hasn’t been in here this late in a while, maybe since the drafting period of their newest album. The room isn’t silent but the lack of exchange is deafening. He should be relieved that Yoongi isn’t acknowledging him, but it feels weird; he feels out of place.


The elder’s raspy voice cuts through Hoseok’s thoughts. “What’s up? You’re just gonna stand there?”


Hoseok shifts on his feet, Yoongi still wasn’t facing him; how he knew that the younger boy was left idling in the doorframe a mystery. Silently, he moves to place his drawstring bag on the couch and sits gingerly next to it. The soft beat starts up again, this time a little faster. It’s a different sound than what the elder usually goes for, it’s nice though. An easy mix of drum mingling with tentative dips of bass. Hoseok absentmindedly thinks this would fit as an album outro, but it seems a bit too personal.


The song outline sits in the air. Tension seems to slip away in easy waves, the clicking of the keyboard and Yoongi’s fingers drumming against the desktop are static. Hoseok focuses on this, the melody drifting from the speakers with the background noise adding to it slowly but surely. By now it’s all mixed together, Hoseok is not close to sleep but he feels less wound up than ever.


He’s staring into space when Yoongi breaks the silence, still facing his monitor. “Are you going to tell me why you haven’t gone back to the dorms?”


Hoseok feels the air turn frigid, it may not be like that to the elder but he sure feels it. Evasion was the original plan but now that he’s here it’s hard to get the thought out words out of his mouth. It’s like his throat suddenly filled with cotton. If he had gone back he’d probably snap at the others for asking him why he’s back so late, it’s a mystery why he feels this way only with Yoongi.


Hoseok wets his lips, it doesn’t help the dry feeling inside. “How do you know I haven’t?”


Finally, finally the elder turns to face him, but instead of meeting his eyes it seems like Yoongi’s staring straight through him. “You’re a mess, Hoseok-ah. It’s kind of obvious.”


Hoseok thinks back to his appearance as it was in the dance studio mirrors, he did look kind of shitty.


“There’s no reason. I just didn’t feel like going.” He leans back into the cushion of the couch. It’s not very comfortable with his shoulders being held up so tight.


With the younger’s statement Yoongi continues to stare for a moment. He still had the pensive look on his face. Suddenly he clicks his tongue and turns back around to his desk.


“Alright, if you want to tell me the real reason you’re here, you can. If not, the couch is all yours.” And with that Yoongi continues to type away at his keyboard like nothing had ever happened.


With that, Hoseok has no reply. He sits, the thickness in the air never dissipates. The soft clacking of keys from Yoongi’s desk continues but doesn’t envelop him as it did before. Earlier Hoseok felt like hours could pass but now even seconds were dragging by, pulling him along by his throat. Unspoken words hang in the air, but they’re written in invisible ink. Words sit at the tip of the younger’s tongue, he just wishes they’d transfer to his mind. There’s so much to say but Hoseok hasn’t a clue how to get it out.


So, he sits and sits. He sits until he’s suffocating. He sits until it hurts to stay quiet. It’s strange, only Yoongi can seem to make him feel like this. Hoseok doesn’t know the best thing to say, so he settles for the obvious;


“I can’t sleep.” It’s simple, but enough to get the elder’s ears.


Without missing a beat, Yoongi turns his swivel chair and removes his bulky headphones, giving Hoseok his full attention. He hums, “And how does that translate into you coming here? Change of scenery?”


For some reason, the hitch in Hoseok’s shoulders lets up. He answers truthfully. “Something like that. If I’m being completely honest, I’m not sure why I decided to come see you. It’s just the first thing I thought of.”


Though, the more Hoseok thinks about it, there must be some underlying purpose. Once he had decided he wasn’t going back to the dorm, Yoongi’s studio was the most natural alternative. Something about the space was desirable-- which was weird, he could have easily gone to his own studio.


Hoseok looks to the man sitting across from him; his gaze strayed over from Hoseok to the shelves lining the walls, but he seemed to still be listening intently. Hoseok thinks about him, and suddenly some things begin to align. Yoongi. Yoongi and his sleepy aura. Yoongi and his habit of tapping his fingers against any solid surface. Yoongi and his rough, but quiet voice.


Suddenly, realization hits Hoseok, and it makes him feel a bit dizzy.


It wasn’t his studio, it was the rapper himself. An association between comfort and a warmth against his hand, a voice against his ear. It makes sense, though Hoseok doesn’t know if he wants to call it a familiar dependance or something deeper.


As if he could read the younger’s thoughts, Yoongi rises from his chair to move to the couch and seat himself next to Hoseok. “Maybe you have something on your mind. Is there anything you’ve been wanting to talk to me about?” He sinks into the plush leather, Hoseok absentmindedly wishes he could be as remotely relaxed as that right about now.


It wasn’t as if he wanted to talk about anything, he’d made his issue clear; sleep wasn’t coming to him. That was about it. It was more like Hoseok wanted Yoongi to talk. He thinks back to that afternoon in the dingy waiting room, when the elder’s murmuring to Namjoon had rocked him to near unconsciousness. That’s what he wanted, though it’d sound weird to say that straight out.


Hoseok shakes his head ‘no’, and Yoongi hums in thought. “Is it something else, then?”


‘If it’s already gone on this long, might as well just say it.’


Hoseok is flustered. It shows obvious on his face but that’s the one thing he’d be damned to admit. He looks down at his feet as if they were the most interesting things in the world.

“I— I like your voice. Can you just talk to me for awhile?”

There. He said it. If it was possible, his face flushed even more than it already was. Flames licked at his cheeks. How embarrassing.

Yoongi looked stunned for a split second. Cat-like slanted eyes widening before drooping back to normal in understanding. He pulls Hoseok in closer, as if they aren’t already practically on each other’s laps. The elder had a light dusting of pink on his cheeks, he looked shy but sure. The blunts of his fingertips began to tap gently onto Hoseok’s back, it felt nice. It felt warm and comforting.

Yoongi lets out a breathless chuckle, “I’ll talk to you. I hope you don’t mind me rambling about useless shit though.”  Hoseok nods, leaning his head into the crook of the elder’s neck. There, he can smell the slight musk of mint and sandalwood; a mixture of his body wash and own personal fragrance. Yoongi begins his recollection of his day in a low drawl. His deep voice vibrating through Hoseok’s chest.

At some point the younger ends up with his head pressed to Yoongi’s chest. The elder’s hand raking through the burnt red strands of his hair. He was still murmuring nonsense into Hoseok’s ear— voice gentle, enveloping him better than any of the fleece blankets stored in the back of the studio. Hoseok sighs into the black fabric of Yoongi’s hoodie and lets his breathing even out. Just like that time in the waiting room he was being lulled to sleep by the older boy. It was nice though, if Yoongi let him, this would be something Hoseok could get used to.

He falls asleep listening to a soft whisper. As gentle as a lullaby.

He falls asleep with a slight pressure against the top of his head, a goodnight kiss. Though it’s not remembered in the morning.

He falls asleep content.


The next time it happens, everyone is in the dorm.

The group had gotten back about three hours ago from a music show, it’s almost four in the morning. Hoseok thanks whoever’s out there that there’s no schedule tomorrow, a rare off day.

He’s been tossing and turning ever since he plopped into bed from out of the shower. He’d been moving so much his hair is barely even wet anymore. It had been a little less than two weeks since the last time Hoseok had trouble sleeping. It seemed too soon to need to go bother Yoongi— he didn’t want to be a hinderance.

He kicked his duvet off of his legs for the fifth time, this is ridiculous. Over a month of sleeping issues. Being an idol and not even being able to get sleep was common, but deadly. He’d be dragging the next few days for sure if he didn’t fix this.

Insomnia fucking sucks, the words flash into his head once again. Hoseok glances over at the clock. It finally struck four in the morning, that was the final straw.

He all but throws himself off the bed, seething silently with pent up frustration as he violently tip-toes to the bedroom door.

The dorm is pitch black as expected. Cautiously, he pads over to try and find the door to Seokjin and Yoongi’s room. He gets about halfway there when he spots a small flickering light in the kitchen. Uneasiness spikes up the boy's spine. There are small tapping sounds coming from the room, it’s weird. His breath catches In his throat. Despite himself, Hoseok peeks over the doorframe into the kitchen.


For some reason, Yoongi was there staring straight at him.


Hoseok gasps in surprise and recoils, that’s the last person he expected to see. To be honest, he thought there was a ghost in the dorm or something. Yoongi is better though, Yoongi and absolutely no ghosts.


Yoongi looks just as startled to see him. The elder leans over the counter and continues to stare in confusion. “What are you doing up, Hoseok-ah? It’s late.” Hoseok registers he has a plastic cup in his hand. ‘ Ah, he was just getting water.’


Hoseok slumps his shoulders, that makes him feel a little better. Maybe Yoongi couldn’t sleep too. Maybe he wasn’t the only one having these troubles. “Can’t sleep,” he says, then startles at how raspy his voice sounds.


Yoongi tilts his head. In a normal situation, Hoseok would coo over how adorable it was. But right now, all he wanted was to get off his feet and lay in bed, preferably fall asleep as well.


“Again? You’re still having trouble sleeping?” Yoongi’s voice is soft, it’s the same voice that lulled him to unconsciousness those few times. Hoseok wants it again, but can’t bring himself to say it.


The younger boy nods and leans his upper body onto the counter. It’s been weeks , he wants to say. Make it go away, help me fall asleep again. There’s even more things he wants to say, the fatigued haziness coiling around his mind doesn’t let him; maybe it’s for the best though. All he wants is for Yoongi to pet him again, he wants to feel wrapped in his arms and babied a little bit. Is that bad?


He notices Yoongi staring down at him thoughtfully. Hoseok wants to tell him to just say it, but then he’d probably be a bit of a hypocrite. Hoseok flutters his eyes shut, there’s a pressure in his chest and in his mind that just wants to burst. He’s so embittered. How come all of a sudden all these problems are popping up. Seemingly out of nowhere he can’t do the simplest of things, like falling asleep. He’s restless all the time, not getting rest is giving him mood swings. It’s making him hate the things he says, the things he does. Why is this happening?


All these conflicting emotions clash in his head, it’s unsettling, enough so he doesn’t even feel the frustrated tears brimming in his eyes until they're trailing down his cheeks and onto the counter. He sniffles, then recoils in horrified realization.


Yoongi startles, obviously not expecting the sudden onslaught of tears. His hands twitch to awkwardly pat Hoseok on the back. “Why are you crying?” He sounds choked up, like he hasn’t a clue of what to do. He probably doesn’t, good going— Hoseok berates himself for being a giant fucking child. Can’t even keep his emotions in check.


Hoseok furiously wipes at his cheeks, but the tears keep falling. Maybe he’s been more emotionally constipated than he first thought. He lets Yoongi slide his hand up and down his back.


Yoongi lowers his voice just like he knows what Hoseok wants, it replaces the gross sobbing noises nicely. “Seokseok-ah, you need to tell hyung what’s wrong. He can’t help if he doesn’t know.”  It was so unlike the younger to let his feelings out this clearly. Yoongi seems a bit panicked, but he’s obviously trying to hold himself together for Hoseok’s sake. Despite the hot tears falling down his cheeks, Hoseok feels his heart flutter a bit.


“I h-hate this. I just want—I just want to sleep,” Hoseok cringes at his watery voice. This is way too much of a hassle to have at four AM. Yoongi hums in understanding.


“I think you need to try and rest again. Even if you can’t fall asleep try and lay down for a bit.” Yoongi’s hand feels warm and solid against his back. A sure grip to hold him steady. Hoseok is embarrassed of his sudden outburst but somehow having Yoongi reassure him makes it the tiniest bit better. The elder’s calm gaze makes Hoseok know he’s not belittling his problem—his insomnia. He’s just trying to help, and he is.


Hoseok sniffs and clears his face the best he can, a little nod and an “Okay.” Is all he can manage without his voice breaking.


Yoongi catches on, of course. He seems stoic from a distance most of the time, but inside he really does have a true caregiving side. That’s one of the many sides the younger adores. Yoongi pays close attention to detail, he’ll tell you bluntly what he’s thinking but he also tunes into a person's needs quickly and perceptively. He can tell exactly when Hoseok needs space and when he needs to be coddled a little— like now.


His voice is soft, “Hoseok-ah…. You want to lay with me? I can talk you to sleep again, if you’d like.”


The younger’s eyes widen a bit at that, ‘ ah, so he remembers.’   Suddenly, he feels a little sheepish. It’s kind of weird, now that Hoseok thinks about it. Wanting to be held and whispered to, the fact that he needs to hear someone talk to him to be able to sleep. It’s bothersome. Yoongi probably thinks he’s strange. Hoseok is kind of at a loss for words. He wants to say ‘ yes! That’s what I’ve wanted!’ but at the same time apologize profusely for being a weirdo.


What he gets is a mixture of the two. “Is that alright? It’s not inconvenient, right?”


Yoongi’s thin lips quirk into a small smile, “I wouldn’t have offered if it was. C’mon, I’m tired too. Dance practice sucks ass these days.” The warmth on his back leaves suddenly, and Hoseok shivers involuntarily. Yoongi is already making his way towards his and Seokjin’s shared bedroom. The younger boy stumbles after him, he’s a little surprised how nonchalant Yoongi is being about letting him sleep with him. Hoseok had expected to get kicked out of Yoongi’s room for being a nuisance. The elder preferred to keep his own space after all, but he can definitely be patient when he wants to. Hoseok is grateful, no matter how much of a bother he feels like he’s being.


Yoongi cracks open the bedroom door before he turns to face Hoseok, looking a bit sheepish.


“Watch your step, it's—uh, kind of a disaster in here.” He mumbles, then trails off into the dark of the room. Hoseok’s glad for the warning, it certainly was a mess. The younger could feel a twitch in his eye- his unconscious need for order and neatness at its peak. Clothes litter the floor and there’s a mess of papers all over the desk. Luckily, the bed is clear. Save for the sheets thrown across.


The elder flops onto the duvet and rolls to pull it back along with the sheets. He slides in and looks up at Hoseok’s face, questioning. Yoongi taps his palm against the space next to him, like his hand is saying ‘come on in’.


Hoseok feels a bit embarrassed to feel so giddy about cuddling up to his hyung. The way his heart spikes thinking about laying pressed against the thin material of Yoongi’s short sleeved sleep shirt is concerning. Just a little bit. Maybe it’s just because of how rare of an occurrence it was for Yoongi to be so touchy and affectionate, although he has been getting closer these days.


Hoseok lifts himself onto the bed and slides beneath the covers. Yoongi sighs and throws them over the both of them. The elder was more cold-natured, he got chilled much easier than any of the other members so it wasn’t a surprise to feel the soft, thick sheets against his skin.


As soon as they both settle, Hoseok feels one of Yoongi’s hands grip his waist and pull him closer. They were facing each other, both curled to the side. Hoseok feels his cheeks burning. So close.


The elder flutters his eyes shut and exhales sleepily and Hoseok can feel his shoulders relax. Already there was a difference, Yoongi really did have this calming aura about him. The atmosphere was comforting despite the close proximity, all traces of embarrassment thrown out.


Yoongi is first to break the silence, eyes still closed. “The first time you came to me, why did you want me to help you sleep specifically?” He runs his fingertips up and down Hoseok’s arm to his side, leaving tingles in its wake. The younger shivers.


“I…. thought I already said it.” He murmurs, Yoongi’s eyes are still closed but Hoseok can’t bring himself to look him in the face. Hadn’t he established this? It’s embarrassing.


Yoongi finally cracks an eye open, “Hoseok.”


He hesitates, opening his mouth just to close it. Yoongi is waiting though. “It’s really fucking dumb. and weird.”


To Hoseok’s surprise, Yoongi chuckles. “What’s new around here. Go ahead, Seok-ah, I’m curious.”


Hoseok looks to the ceiling, anywhere but Yoongi’s sharp gaze. He feels like the elder can see right through him, it’s no use trying to make excuses because Hoseok just knows Yoongi won’t let it go. He can be stubborn when he wants to.


He exhales, “it’s— it’s your voice. It’s um, it’s calming I guess. And you as a whole, you won’t pester me about what’s wrong like Tae or Jiminie. You’ll ask once but if I don’t say you’ll leave it be. You don’t pry, but you know what to do.”


Hoseok finally looks down to see Yoongi’s face, and the sight makes him shiver. He’s staring straight into Hoseok’s eyes; but it doesn’t seem like they’re meeting the younger’s gaze. It’s just like Hoseok thought prior, he’s seeing right through him.


Yoongi is silent for a moment. A moment that seems like a thousand moments, Hoseok thinks he’s starting to get restless, ha . Finally, Yoongi breathes out.


“That makes me feel good. Honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing most of the time when it comes to comforting people or…. whatever it is I do. I kind of panicked when you started crying on me, y’know?”


Hoseok shifts to lay on his back. How embarrassing, he doesn’t want to remember bawling in front of the elder. The last time he cried with only Yoongi near him was back when the group had first debuted. When stress was too much and Yoongi was the strong big brother figure he never had. Hoseok doesn’t remember it much but he seemed just as collected as he did normally, but maybe he was freaking out a little inside.


“I’m sorry about that,” Hoseok sighs, “that was weird wasn’t it? I don’t even know where it came from.”


Yoongi looks at him quizzically before rolling to his stomach and sitting up on his forearms. He stares at Hoseok with a look he hadn’t seen before. It seemed gentle, but with a pained tinge. A look that said ‘why are you thinking like this?’ If the elder actually asked him that, he wouldn’t know how to respond.


“Why are you apologizing? If you need to cry, then cry. I just wasn’t expecting it s’all. Nobody expects you to keep everything inside. It’s not good for you.”


Hoseok sighs, looking to the ceiling before responding. “Mm, I guess. I’m just used to it, I feel weird just letting it out.”


It’s kind of a lie, but not really. It’s not as much he has trouble holding it in as much as it’s not wanting to bring down the group. He’s supposed to be hopeful, so that’s what he is. Hoseok knows he has not the slightest problem letting it out in the confines of his bed, in the dark. It feels the most comfortable there. With nobody around he doesn’t have to keep appearance, he doesn’t have to worry anybody.


There’s a furrow in Yoongi’s brow when he looks over. The strange look is back.


Yoongi’s voice comes out thoughtful, like he’s had these words in his mind for quite awhile. “You…. you seem to do this a lot. You work really hard Hoseok, don’t think nobody sees it. Sometimes though, what people don’t see is that you’re not always the happy-go-lucky J-hope you try to be.”


Yoongi looks him in the eyes. This time instead of staring past him, he’s staring like he knows every thought that flitters through Hoseok’s mind.


“You’re naturally a positive person, yes, but not everyone can do that all the time. Even in the dorms I can sometimes pick up when you’re faking it. With Bangtan, and especially with me, you don’t have to do that. You don’t have to be J-hope all the time. You can be the Hoseok that has many sides to him. It’s not a pain to be sad, it’s not a pain to be angry or nervous. You can always come see me if you need to quit pretending, it’s alright.”


Hoseok breathes in shakily. Suddenly the tears are trying to come back, tentatively prodding at his eyes. It’s strange seeing it from this perspective, but it makes sense to an extent. Yoongi would think like this.


“....How do you— how do you even know all this?”


Yoongi scoots closer and clicks his tongue. His face is softening. He’s ready to sleep, probably. “I’ll tell you when it’s not 4 in the morning. It’s going to suck getting up tomorrow.”


He closes his eyes, lips quirking up. “You wanna sleep in? Make everyone think we’re dead?”


At this, Hoseok feels something pull in his chest. Yoongi goes from serious to relaxed in such a smooth transition, it’s hard to tell he’s even changed. That’s just him, Hoseok guesses. He feels his mouth move on it’s own, a real smile this time. Genuine and pure, bright but shy; a smile just for the one next to him.


There’s not much to say, but he still murmurs, “Yeah. thank you, Yoongi.”


“That’s hyung to you, brat. Sleep now.”


Hoseok falls asleep without a deep rumbling voice to rock him to unconsciousness. Turns out all he needed was a solid warmth by his side.


When Hoseok wakes up, he can tell the sun had been peeking over the buildings surrounding outside the window for awhile now. He can’t seem to find the mind to care though; with Yoongi’s pale mat of hair pressed against the crook of his neck and the light illuminating the dust cascading in slow motion through the stale dorm air. Hoseok breathes in and Yoongi starts to stir, that’s something he’s not necessarily bitter about; he had to pee, and he’d prefer not to soil the elder’s sheets.


Yoongi groans, rough and deep. Hoseok tries to ignore the implication behind his cheeks heating up. That was a thought for a different time.


Hoseok sits up onto his elbows and smiles, “Good morning, sunshine.”


The elder’s face sent a clear signal that he was indeed not happy to be up at this hour. It had to be at least ten, he had to get up anyway. His already sharp eyes narrowed in on the boy next to him.


He shoves his face back into the pillow, “It’s way too early for this shit”


Hoseok giggles, but gives him his space. Fucking with Yoongi after he had just woken up was something that wasn’t wise, no matter how cuddly he had been the night prior.


“Alright, sleepyhead. I’m going to the bathroom, don’t let Jin-hyung come in here and kick your ass out of bed.” He throws his legs over the other side of the mattress and steps over the small piles of scattered clothes out of the room. If Yoongi still needed to talk about what had happened last night, they would later.


Outside of the bedroom are the maknaes sitting amongst themselves in the living room, Hoseok smiles a silent ‘good morning’. They smile back just as brightly.


After exiting the bathroom and making his way to the kitchen, Hoseok noticed Jimin had moved there too. The blond was leaning against the counter next to the small coffee maker. He looked as if he had just finished cussing it out; that machine was getting ready to bite the dust, Hoseok wouldn’t be surprised.


Jimin catches the elder’s eye and quirks his lips, “Y’know, you look much happier today.”


Hoseok falters on his way to the fridge, that comment wasn’t expected. He shouldn’t be surprised though, Jimin is perceptive.


“How so?” He reaches for the orange juice. There’s no more bags of peppermint tea, so he’d have to improvise.


Jimin hums and fiddles with the buttons on the machine, “I dunno, you seem more relaxed. The past few weeks you’ve been kind of wound up. Did something good happen?”


Hoseok thinks back to the past night’s events. Something good did happen, he feels much better after talking to Yoongi. Well, they hadn’t talked that much. Maybe, coming to a nonverbal mutual understanding? That sounds weird to say out loud, Jimin might think they started doing drugs together. Or had sex. Neither of which they did.


“Mmn, kind of. I was with Yoongi last night, I think that kind of helped me relax a bit.”


Ah. Hoseok smacks himself mentally. Now it really did sound like they…. slept together, which they did. But didn’t.


As expected, Jimin quirks his eyebrow, “And how did he make you relax? If you have to do the laundry first I’ll go get Jungkook and I’s load out of the washer.” He giggles, like he’s joking. There’s still a bit of playful seriousness there, though.


“It’s not like that! We just slept in the same bed, keeping our hands to ourselves, and talked. That’s all.” Hoseok grabs his glass a little too forcefully, the counter shakes and Jimin squeaks in laughter.


“Mhmn, but he sure did do a good job helping you release some stress, huh? Got you some ‘suga’?” Hoseok swears Jin is starting to become a bad influence on Jimin. He doesn’t know how much more of this he can take. The younger seems to think he’s pretty funny.


Hoseok pouts, “What are you doing going down to Namjoonie’s studio so often then? I know you don’t like working on songs that much.”


That seemed to shut him up. Jimin puffs out his lips, “It was a joke, hyung.”


It’s Hoseok’s turn to laugh this time, he leans over to pinch Jimin’s cheeks and coo. “Mhm, and that’s why you’re so defensive right now. Cute.”


Jimin scowls, the little mochi. Hoseok goes back to the other counter to actually pour his juice instead of bicker. When he turns back around, Jimin is sitting on the opposing counter. He looks thoughtful. Hoseok turns to mind himself when the blond breaks the momentary silence.


“Do you like Yoongi-hyung? You really do seem much happier around him. Even from the beginning.” When Hoseok snaps backward to face Jimin, the latter’s face is void of playfulness.


Confused, Hoseok lifts his brow, “of course I like Yoongi-hyung. I hope I do, we’ve been living together for almost seven years.”


Jimin looks strangely serious, “No, do you like-like Yoongi-hyung?”


Hoseok is a bit stunned, to say the least. Does he like-like Yoongi? What is this, middle school? But the less he thinks of the childish question, the more he thinks of what it means. Does he like Yoongi. Does Hoseok think of Yoongi in a way that’s a little more than platonic admiration? Is the rapidfire thumping of his heart not just nerves? Does the constant heat in his cheeks mean something else? The more Hoseok recalls certain feelings he has when he’s around the elder, the deeper the pit in his gut grows. Does he like Yoongi? The more this question swirls around in Hoseok’s head, the more obvious the answer becomes.


He feels queasy, the answer was right in front of him the whole time. The insomnia might have been stress, but the cure wasn’t a voice, it wasn’t a body against his, it was Yoongi.


Hoseok breathes out a shaky breath, anxiety rolling onto him in waves. Wasn’t this weird? Wasn’t this just going to cause more problems? When did he even start having feelings for his bandmate, his friend?


Jimin seems to sense his unease, “You know, if i’m right, I don’t think he’d mind. If it’s anything, I don’t mind.” He hops off the counter, stepping over to gently place his hand on the redhead’s arm in a reassuring touch. “If i’m being completely honest, I think Yoongi-hyung might feel the same way.”


Hoseok sucks in another breath, more held together this time, “How do you- how do you know?”


Jimin smiles, easy and gentle “It’s kind of obvious how much he cares about you. You’re his ‘soul partner’, remember? His other half of your little Sope-Homme duo. You make him smile no matter what you’re doing, it’s kind of gross actually. You guys are so perfect for each other.”


Hoseok feels a the taut coil in his stomach unwrap, slowly but surely. It makes the tiniest bit of sense, even if his own feelings are foreign. “And you’re sure you wouldn’t mind something like that? It isn’t weird?”


“It’s not my place to think it’s weird. You can’t help who you fall in love with.” Jimin’s voice is soft and sweet, he’s genuine; but then again, when was Jimin not being honest about his feelings? The whole group was open-minded, so Hoseok can trust that if something like this were to get out he at least wouldn’t get booted out of the band. In the back of Hoseok’s mind there’s a great sigh of relief that it’s Jimin he’s having this conversation with.


The sharp sound of the coffee machine dinging to life cuts through his little bubble of self discovery. Jimin yelps and Hoseok laughs despite jumping himself. The blond curses and stomps over looking about ready to kick it, his mad face is probably the least threatening thing about him though.


Fiddling with the start button, Jimin huffs “I want you to talk to hyung about this. I think it would be good for you.” The water in the machine starts to dispense, and he lets out a sound of relief.


“Why are you so sure about all of this? Giving me all this advice like you’re the hyung, are you trying to overthrow me?” Knowing Jimin, he probably got some of the things he’s saying from a self help article. Or he’s trying to copy Namjoon.


Jimin shrugs, gaze still focused on the stream of coffee into his mug, “It’s not really anything like that. It’s just that you’re always taking care of everyone, and you seem to be happier around Yoongi-hyung. You deserve something nice.”


As sweet as the things Jimin is saying are, Hoseok’s kind of over how cliche this whole exchange is.


“I think I get it, I don’t think it’ll work as well as you’re saying it will; but I still get it.” Hoseok laughs, embarrassment tinging the sound. “Thank you for the advice, even if you are trying to become the alpha hyung. You gonna try and take Namjoon down next?”


Jimin smiles, “Please, I’ve already defeated him long ago. You see how soft he is? He was the easiest, you’re level two.”


Hoseok lets out a genuine laugh this time, Jimin is so cute; he had the entire company wrapped around his finger, he just didn’t know it yet. He’s getting too powerful, Hoseok can’t seem to mind though. He pinches the younger’s cheeks.


“You really are a little demon, huh? ARMY thinks you’re Bangtan’s angel but you’re the most evil. Too cute, too cute. I can’t stand it.” Jimin shakes his head and whines, trying to get away. He’s smiling though.


“Aren’t you supposed to be ARMY’s angel? You’re being mean, go get some dick or something, geez.” Jimin pulls back to lean against the counter, the smile turning into a smirk.


Hoseok always feels the most like a kid around Jimin, he sticks out his tongue teasingly. “Whatever, Minnie.”


“Just make sure you two don’t start humping each other when the dorm is full, or on camera; you’d be an exhibitionist wouldn’t you, hyung? Dirty.”


This time around he feels mildly scandalized. An exhibitionist, Jimin is really calling him that? The one who kept Taehyung on a leash in a hotel in that 1Verse hype video, Hoseok would comment on this but it’d likely start a whole different debate on a much different topic. It’s a bit too early for kinkshaming.


Hoseok pats the younger boy's head, “Gotcha, but don’t be upset when I’m getting some and you’re not. If your advice even works. You should start a self help column on the fancafe.”


Jimin chuckles and gives him a thumbs up; he hopes it’ll work, he hopes.


Hoseok decides to go for it the first chance he gets, he’s not really known as the most patient anyways.


By first chance, he means nearly two weeks later. He’s going for it after his procrastination lets up. The time that was left for mental preparation was spent kinda-sorta avoiding Yoongi, it wasn’t conscious, Hoseok just didn’t want to say anything stupid on accident and make an ass out of himself. Jimin not-so-subtly sending winks and thumbs up to him whenever they were so much as standing next to one another weren’t really helping his case either. The insomnia hadn't really come back, but a few nights were definitely spent tossing and turning until the earlier hours of morning.


Hoseok waits until the next day will be a definite off day, so if there's a blatant rejection he can avoid any awkwardness by wallowing in bed or alone in the dance studio for awhile without being questioned. It was almost midnight, Jin and Jimin were off filming a Vlive, Jungkook was playing games, and Namjoon and Taehyung were watching a film. This left Yoongi the perfect chance to play around with songs in his studio. A perfect chance for alone time, a perfect chance for a confession.


Hoseok didn’t want anything big to happen, which is surprising. Making a big deal out of something like this would most likely end in tension, so he thought a quick ‘hey, i’ve kind of been thinking of kissing you lately, wanna do it?’ would suffice. Maybe not those exact words, but the point still stands.


By the time Hoseok actually gets to Genius Lab, he’s not feeling quite as confident in his wooing abilities. Possible outcomes are racing through his head, both good and bad. The night could end in a number of ways; maybe there would be an argument, maybe tears would be shed, maybe Hoseok would have to go back to the dorm to pack his bags because Jimin’s love advice was wack and he’d be out of the group before sunrise. Plenty of endings for a book of a life that’s actually going pretty well up to this moment.


Despite the crippling doubt covering every bit of reason in his mind like those thick fleece blankets Seokjin likes so much, Hoseok still knocks on the door with a purpose, he still turns the knob with a hand that may or may not be shaking. He still grabs the small foam cup of americano that’s end goal was to soften the blow of rejection lightly, no spilling; just like his confidence wasn’t going to spill. Anymore than it already had anyways.


When Hoseok enters the room the first thing he sees is Yoongi’s pale blue hair sticking up in whisps. Something Hoseok had noticed in years of living with the older boy was his nervous habits of tugging at his hair and picking at the skin on the cuticle of his thumb. It’s not like it was hard to notice these things, they’ve been more prominent as of late. What the sudden influx of anxiety meant Hoseok didn’t know. The messy bed head was still endearing though.


Yoongi turns in his desk chair and offers a small quirk of his lips. “What’s up?” His voice is small.


Hoseok’s first instinct is to run up and coddle the elder, pet and ask what’s wrong, because there was definitely something bothering him. Yoongi isn’t one for much contact when he’s having a hard time though, so he holds back despite the itching in his fingers.


Walking over to Yoongi’s desk to set down the coffee, Hoseok tilts his head. “Are you alright, hyung? You’re looking a little rough.” It wouldn’t be bad to discard his original goal for tonight, this was a bit more important.


Yoongi flickers his eyes back to the monitor in front of him, the soft blue light catching his lighter complexion. “I’m good. What are you doing here so late?”


The redhead crouches next to the desk chair. It reminded him of older times, when he’d sit in awe watching Yoongi type away on his smaller computer, during smaller times of their lives. Hoseok decides he wants to at least try to take care of Yoongi the same way he used to do for him; from pre-debut to now.


“I just wanted to talk about some things,” Not a lie, but an understatement. It’s not a topic for now, though. “Now i’m wondering what’s bothering you.”


Yoongi drums his fingers on the dark wood of the studio desk, “I said I was alright. I’m just playing with sounds right now, what is it that you really came here for?”


Hoseok sighs, he’s going to have to pry it out of him. “I came to check on you, and you’re not looking the best. Do you want to talk about it?”


He’s picking his thumb, Yoongi sighs. “No, not really. I want you to tell me why you’re here Hoseok-ah.”


If this were an anime, an exaggerated pulse point would show up on Hoseok’s temple. But it’s not, so he tries his best to keep all signs of exasperation hidden. “I’m just trying to help, let me help you. Please, Yoongi-hyung?”


“Really, it’s seriously nothing. I’m fine.”


“Hyung, let me help you-“


Yoongi clicks his tongue, brows furrowing at the younger’s persistence “Why are you so worried about me all of a sudden?”


Hoseok feels the tight coil wrap in his gut again, it’s nothing like last time. Why is Yoongi being so difficult? He just wants to make him feel as good as he made Hoseok feel back in the dorm, he wants Yoongi to be happy.


There’s a strange throbbing sensation in his chest, Hoseok wonders if he should back off but he’s already this far. “Yoongi-hyung, please, I only want you to feel better. What can I do to make you feel good?”


Yoongi rubs his fingers over his eyes, he looks mad. Hoseok isn’t sure what to do anymore if that’s the case. “I want you to take a step back, that’s what’d make me feel better.”


Hoseok’s voice is strangely firm, but it still quivers slightly, “Just tell me! What’s the worst that can happen?”


When Yoongi finally looks at Hoseok, the first thing the younger notices is how his eyes are shining in the pale blue light from the computer. He’s not mad at him, just frustrated. Yoongi’s always kept his problems hidden, it’s now that Hoseok realizes he should have just let him be. Yoongi isn’t one to get mad, he gets frustrated to the point of tears.


“Hoseok-ah, the reason I won’t say anything is because you’d hate me. Somewhere along the way I caught feelings, I’ve been in love with you for the longest time. I wouldn’t be able to handle you hating me because just imagining it is making me hate myself.”


Yoongi laughs, it’s bitter and wet. “You already did though, right? With the way i’ve been all over you, I’m sorry. You could have just-”


Stop that. ” Hoseok absentmindedly realizes he’s shaking, though his voice is more firm than he can remember it being in a long time. His fists are left clenching and unclenching at his side. There’s a strange mixture of distress from seeing his hyung so upset, anger at the belittling of his feelings, and elation from the fact that he wasn’t the only one with said feelings. “You were wondering why I came to talk to you? I wanted to say the exact same thing you’re saying to me right now. When I realized I thought of you as something more than another member of my group I was so scared you would hate me. I understand, I get it.”


When Hoseok finishes, Yoongi’s breathing is still fucked but doesn’t look as close to a breakdown as before. It’s silent for the next couple of seconds, time seems to have stopped.


Yoongi’s eyes are blown, “Are you…. You really? Are you serious?”


The younger feels like laughing, but also crying. Laughing at the face Yoongi’s making but crying out in relief, ‘Yes! Yes, it’s always been you. Even though I’ve just now realized it.’


In reality, he just smiles. It’s hesitant, “Yeah, I guess I am. I really like you, Yoongi-hyung.”


In a split second the elder’s hands start to quiver, his voice comes out soft. “Come here, Seok-ah. I’ve missed you.”


Hoseok laughs at his eagerness, it’s probably too loud for the moment but it fits. He’s happy. It’s a quick, lackluster confession but it suits them. Maybe they’re going to fast, but he’s waited for so long. Hoseok may not known of his feelings, but they were there.


Yoongi is still sitting in his desk chair, Hoseok inwardly shrugs and moves to straddle his lap. It’s a tight fit and he’s probably crushing Yoongi’s thighs but he really doesn’t care right now.


As he thought, Yoongi does make a face of discomfort but laughs. “Heavy.”


“Shut up, I know you sit in here and eat pastries while you’re working. You’re just as heavy.”


Hoseok leans in first, his lips ghosting a centimeter away from Yoongi’s when he breathes out, “is this okay?”


Yoongi looks dazed, “Yeah—Yeah, this is fine. It’s perfect, you’re perfect.” He’s breathless, it’s cute.


Hoseok smiles, gentle and easy, and takes the plunge.


Their first kiss isn’t dramatic, it’s not overly romantic. It’s just the tentative first touch of lips to lips. Actually, Hoseok feels like he’s putting too much pressure in, but it’s alright. This is Yoongi, this suits them. Yoongi brings his hand up to rub the younger’s shoulder.


The next few minutes are filled with soft touches and even softer kisses. Yoongi pulls back to look at the younger. Yoongi’s flushed and his eyes are glazed, but Hoseok thinks he probably looks the same. Yoongi pecks his nose, both cheeks, and under his eyes.


Hoseok is laughing breathlessly, it’s much too sweet. He presses their mouths together again and sighs. He pokes his tongue to meet Yoongi’s and the elder jumps, but complies. He licks at the corner of his mouth, all around. It feels so nice but Hoseok pulls back before it gets too heated.


“Thank you hyung.” He says, pressing his forehead to Yoongi’s. Yoongi chuckles and closes his eyes. He’s so grateful.


“What for? I should be thanking you. If you didn’t come in here I would still be wallowing like a little bitch. So thanks, Seokseok-ah.” Yoongi smiles, gums on full display and Hoseok follows suit, a full heart shape.


“Kiss me again, then”


Yoongi is the first to initiate this time, he’s filled with a newfound purpose. He presses his lips firmly, nipping and suckling. It’s such a different sensation, Hoseok is caught off guard.

Hoseok whines at the tongue prodding his lips, a soft sound. He parts his lips to meet Yoongi’s. It’s wet and messy but the younger doesn’t have it in himself to care. Their tongues move amongst themselves, mouths opening to breath into each other, it’s heated but Hoseok is shivering.

He’s so sensitive, even the slightest touch and he’s moaning. They part for breath. Yoongi cards his fingers through soft red locks.

“Seok-ah,” He rasps, flushed and out of breath, “These sounds you’re making, you drive me crazy.”

Hoseok groans, half out of embarrassment half out of impatience to keep going, he’s wanted this so bad. Yoongi seems strangely in control for someone who almost cried earlier; knowing him he’s probably freaking out on the inside, the nerd. Hoseok leans in to press a chaste kiss to Yoongi’s swollen upper lip.

Yoongi smiles and kisses him back, right on his mole. “I’m so lucky.” He sighs, he’s got major heart eyes, but Hoseok can’t deny the fact that he most definitely has them too.

Their lips meet again, it’s much softer and easier than before. When their tongues touch it’s slower and more reserved, all hints of desperation gone. They have all the time in the world. Yoongi tastes like the bitter of his americano, it shouldn’t mix with the peach tart Hoseok sneaked in on the way here, but it did.

Hoseok pulls back to press more butterfly kisses up the elder’s neck, Yoongi laughs; it’s a soft sound, melodious, you can tell he’s truly relieved. If Hoseok really thinks about it, this is probably the happiest he’s been in a long time as well.

Yoongi nuzzles into the mat of hair brushing against his nose, “Tonight, when we go back to the dorms I want you to talk me to sleep. Can you do that?”

There’s a fluttering feeling in Hoseok’s chest, he’s content. He hopes his voice can reach Yoongi like it did for him.

“I can do that.”

He’d do anything for Yoongi, it’s something he’d only recently realized. Just as Yoongi would do anything for him, it’s common knowledge. That night, Hoseok sleeps as Yoongi’s big spoon. He holds the elder to his chest and waxes poetic into his ears. Yoongi scoffs and calls him a sap, it’s the truth though.

Hoseok sleeps peacefully that night.