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Hedwig's Lament(s)

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I was born on the other side

of a town ripped in two

And no matter how hard I've tried

I end up black and blue

I rose from off of the doctor's slab

I lost a piece of my heart

Now everyone gets to take a stab

They cut me up into parts

I gave a piece to my mother

I gave a piece to my man

I gave a piece to the rock star

He took the good stuff and ran

 

“I gave a piece to my mother….”

 

My mother had cut me open and was unpacking my organs, stacking them in a row on my bed as my flesh flapped to either side. She was sewing her initials into each of them, then tossing them back into me

--Gillian Flynn, Sharp Objects

 

How could she? How could I let her? Everything thing I’m supposed to be, and every part of me is made from her . Her identity. Her name. Her hair. Her eyes. She was supposed to save me, to protect me. But she just took part of me away and replaced it with herself. My name shouldn’t even be Hedwig , but it is. But am I grateful that she made me who I am today? Or am I bitter that she ruined the person I was supposed to be?

 

Mothers are supposed to love their children unconditionally, but what if I’m a burden? What if she’s happy I’m gone and never to see her again. I don’t know if I would mind either. There’s so much pain and heartache left in me from her, I don’t even know what I would do if she came into my life again. I don’t know if I would happy? Sad? Relieved? Disappointed? I was never who my mother expected me to be. I don’t think she ever wanted me to be my own person. I wanted freedom so bad, I was willing to become somebody else. I fought so hard to be my own person, I didn’t even realize I was becoming my mother.



“I gave a piece to my man…”

My soul’s a burden to me, I’ve had enough of it. I’m eager to be in that country, where the sun kills every question. I don’t belong here.

Albert Camus, The Misunderstanding

 

Hedwig thought to themself that Luther was never the one...he was never the one who really, truly, deeply loved them. It wasn't meant to be. Sometimes they wished that they were never born, that they never had to look at themself in the mirror and see what was done to them. What they had done to themself. But at the same time, if Hedwig never had have met Luther, would Hedwig even know that they were trans? That they were nonbinary and femme? Why does only heartbreak lead to resolution. Do we need to break down to put ourselves together again?

 

Did Hedwig seem that pathetic and broken already, that Luther thought he could forge a new person out of them? What gave him the right to ruin someone’s life like that? The worst part of it all is that Hedwig still loved Luther from time to time. This was one of the few (if not only) person who had the desire to please Hedwig. Hedwig felt attractive and wanted, they did everything they could to be the person Luther wanted them to be, not realizing that they were losing themself through it all.

 

I gave a piece to the rockstar…”

 

How can someone have the power to shatter you to dust–and also to make you feel so whole?

Lauren Oliver, Requiem

 

You never expected to feel the kind of wholeness or completeness until he comes into your life. It’s almost if every bad decision, poor choice, and mistake went away when you looked into those perfectly clear, blue eyes. He makes you feel alive again, and after so long of being alone, being used to being alone, it’s nice to finally want to talk to someone who might genuinely want to care about you. It’s hard to imagine that anyone would want to try to impress or please you. People don’t like you in general, you’re just not a likable person, and that’s fine. You never wanted to be Miss Congeniality. But when he comes into your life, you would do anything to want this person to like you and to see you as you see yourself. How do you see yourself? After so many skewed perspectives and alternate ideas of who you’re supposed to be, it’s hard to pinpoint your personality. You always thought you were easy to love, but you suppose not that easy. Seeing how people have a hard time to accept and understand you, you guess you’re hard to love. But love is not hard, at least it’s not supposed to be hard. Love looks like someone actively affirming your trust, your loyalty, your friendship, your understanding in a physical and intimate way. Yet, you suppose it doesn’t come that easy to people as you thought it once did.

 

The thing about Tommy Gnosis is that you created him. Because of you, he is able to be the person that is lauded with so much respect and praise. Because of you and your emotional labor, and everything you’ve done for him, he’s a better person because of it. But none of that matters anymore anyway. He’s gone and it’s because you weren’t enough for him. He wanted something you couldn’t provide. The question is, who’s at fault here? The person who doesn’t have what the other partner is expecting? Or to expect something you know your partner is unable to provide. He’s your old flame. The “one who got away”. The one that you will always love no matter who comes into your life afterwards. There’s something there that could’ve been. You feel as if you can only live in the past, since you can’t see yourself having a future.

 

“I deserve the right to feel nothing”

It was not the feeling of completeness I so needed, but the feeling of not being empty.

Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated


Hedwig says this, but doesn’t mean it. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. They feel everything . They feel like everything that happened changed them significantly as a person. Despite all of their spite, resentment and angst, they very much feel a lot. Does being guarded and distrustful mean you can’t ever go back to a light joyfulness? Hedwig thought about the “what if’s”, of perhaps saving their younger self? Would everything be different? They think about how trauma is tied to everything and they also know that they were always going to be the person they are today regardless of the paths and decisions they chose/had chosen for them. They think about their younger self: the one with hope, joy, optimism, and full of love in their heart. So much love to give and receive, but people only take. They’ve been cut up, spit upon, and reviled. They use humor to cope, but in reality, they have such a loose sense of self that they aren’t who they are in the dark anymore. This scares them. They want to believe in good things, but after so much pain and regret, it’s hard to.