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Attack of the B-Movie! How to Survive a Horror Movie

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The camera was currently pointed at an out-of-focus wall with tons of posters for old cartoons, movies and musicians plastered over every inch of the wall in lieu of proper wallpaper. For a brief moment there was silence. Then, in came the siblings. Yakko, Wakko and Dot Warner.
“Hello!” the three said in unison.
“We’re the Warner Brothers,” said Yakko.
“And the Warner Sister!” added Dot.
“You might remember us from the Emmy-Winning show Animaniacs,” said Wakko.
“But let’s be honest here, folks,” said Yakko. “We’re about to show you something way more graphic than Animaniacs could ever have been.”
Dot interjected. “So, before we start, we’re just going to say: Viewer discretion is advised. You’ve been warned.”
Wakko shoved his siblings out of frame. “Enjoy, folks!” Yakko tackled Wakko and knocked over the camera, ending the disclaimer.

Attack of the B-Movie! A PSA about Horror Movie Safety.

On a quiet October night, two teenagers (played by Dot Warner and Max Goof) are sitting and kissing in their car, which for some unknown reason is parked on top of a cliff. A narrator (Yakko Warner) breaks the silence.
“Ah, Make-Out Point. Our friends here, Chad and Janine, are spending a quiet evening here so they can enjoy each other’s company. This cliff is a favorite destination for young lovers, film-makers… and serial killers.”
A masked man with long, inky black hair and a large knife wandered onto the set. He is wearing a black tank top, torn jeans, and red finger-less gloves. He advances towards the car, causing the teenagers to panic.
“Like this terrifying specimen here. He’s got a thirst for blood, and will most likely ruin your night. But there are steps you can take to avoid his wrath.”

Yakko stepped into the scene properly, and paused the action. “Let’s see what you can do to ensure your survival should you find yourself in one of these horror movie sitauations.”

Scenario One: The Cursed Antique

‘Chad’ and ‘Janine’ walk into an old, dilapidated shop run by a rather demented-looking old man with pale skin and a glass eye.
Yakko stares in, through the window, before turning to the audience. “Mister Cryptkeeper here is the owner and lone employee of the strangest antiques shop in town. He looks creepy, I know, but don’t worry. He’s mostly harmless.”
The young adults browse the store shelves, finding an odd assortment of strange potions, heavy leather-bound spellbooks and exotic herbs and spices. Chad comes across an old ornate music box. “Chad thinks this old thing would make a wonderful gift for Janine. But there’s no price tag. How much does it cost?” He goes up to the shopkeeper.
“How much for that old music box?” he asks.
“That object is not for sale,” replies the old man.
“Why not?”
“Many years ago, that music box belonged to a beautiful and rich young woman. But the day after she got married, her husband poisoned her while she slept. He was only interested in her money, you see. But the day after that, the man noticed the music box playing on its own. Her spirit had possessed the trinket, and as revenge, she took HIS life. Some say she still inhabits the box, ready to strike down any man who tries to put their hands on her.”
Yakko stepped back in. “Chad now has a choice. He could write off this whole possessed antique story and try to bargain for the music box until the owner finally relents. Let’s see what will happen if he does, using the magic of Predict-o-vision!.”

Flashing forward, we see Janine looking wicked, brandishing a bloody knife and twisting her head in almost unnatural ways. She stands over the body of Chad, gutted like a fish, his eyes gouged out. Janine cackles like a demon.
“Guess what? The spirit was real. And after Janine decided to listen to the music box, the spirit possessed her. Now, she is using Janine’s body as a twisted vessel to brutally murder any man who comes her way, including her own boyfriend. Clearly Chad made the wrong move here.”

Back in the shop, Max is evidently horrified by what he just saw. “Fortunately, that was only a what-if scenario. Instead, Chad does the smart thing and just decides to get Janine some lavender soap.” As Chad brings the soap to the counter, the old man grins and happily rings up the purchase.
Yakko, who has been looking in on this little scenario, turns to the camera.
“Remember, if someone warns you about evil, listen to them. Also, never buy or steal anything that belonged to somebody who’s dead.”

Scenario Two: The Abandoned Cabin

“Let’s say hello to some new friends. Joey and Frank.” Joey (Rocko Wallaby) and Frank (Wakko Warner) are in a car, driving down a long road near the edge of the woods. “These two are coming home from a college upstate, ready for a nice weekend away.”
Frank, the driver, notices the car is slowing down and checks the fuel gauge. Empty. “Unfortunately, they forgot to gas up on the way home and are now stranded on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere.”
The car comes to a complete stop. Frank quickly gets out his smartphone and searches for a nearby auto shop. “ Frank calls a tow truck immediately, but it is an hour and a half away, and the sun is setting.”
Joey panics, but Frank points out an old cabin on the other side of the road. “Frank sees an old abandoned cabin out in the woods.”
“Maybe we could head up for just a mo while we wait for help,” says Frank, “Maybe we could even spend some... quality time together.”
“I don’t know,” says Joey. “It looks abandoned, but who knows what could be out in those woods.”
“Ah, come on, it should only be an hour or so.”
Yakko looks on at the car from the side of the road. “The temptation is strong, but Joey’s fear is just as strong. Does he give in to peer pressure or just wait out the next hour or so in the car? Actually, there are three options here, two of which we will explore with Predict-o-vision!”

“Option one was head to the cabin and engage in some tender loving.” Frank and Joey can be seen doing just that, kissing naked on the floor of the old cabin.
“Unfortunately, the cabin wasn’t as abandoned as expected…” Without warning, a man with a deformed face and a chainsaw comes in, sprinting at the two lovers and running the blade through both of their stomachs, yelling psychotically as his victims scream in vain.

“Gruesome. Maybe option two will work better? This is sort of a compromise. Just stay in the car while you do the deed.” Again, cut to Frank and Joey doing the deed, this time inside the car.
“You’d think so, but, nope, chainsaws can cut through cars as well.” The chainsaw man returns unexpectedly and cuts deep into Frank. Joey, afraid of being next, runs away from the car. But the chainsaw man is quick and Joey’s head becomes forcefully separated from his neck.

Back in the present time, Joey steadfastly shakes his head no. “Joey decides he’d like to keep his head attached and refuses his consent, instead opting to just sit in the car in silence, so as not to attract any unwanted attention.”
An hour later, the tow truck driver shows up and knocks on the window. Yakko looks on with approval. “The tow truck driver quickly gets the couple’s car hooked up and brings them down to his shop, where they can gas up and get going home to make love in peace. Now, remember: don’t go to abandoned or creepy places without protection, and if you find yourself in a potentially hazardous situation, keep you pants on. Er, figuratively, I mean.”
The tow truck driver is about to drive off, prompting Yakko to run after them. “Wait, I need a lift into town-!”

Scenario Three: The Haunted House

All four of our young friends are now standing in the foyer of a creepy old mansion.
“You know how I said you should never go into an abandoned or creepy place? Well, these kids here can be excused from that, because they’re looking for their friend Marie, who was seen wandering in here by herself. They called the police, but unfortunately cops lose their minds whenever they are cast in horror movies, so they were no help.”
Chad, the self-proclaimed leader of the group, has no idea where to look for Marie. “Chad wonders about his plan of action. He wonders if they should split up to cover more ground.”
Yakko pauses the action and steps in. “For the sake of saving time, I’m just going to say this is a terrible idea. You split up the group, you’re all going to get picked off one by one. NEVER split up the group.”
Unpause. “Chad quickly puts the ‘split up’ idea out of his head, and suggests the look around the first floor as a group.”

Several minutes later, the group of friends do find Marie (Darla Gugenheek) tied up in one of the ground floor bedrooms. “Ah, there she is. Let’s grab her and get out of here.” Joey and Frank quickly untie Marie. Suddenly, Janine hears footsteps approaching, and everybody files out quickly into the hallway.
As soon as everybody is out in the hallway, they see the masked killer from the beginning of the video, running up to them. “It’s the killer!” yells Janine. “Head for the exit!”
“Janine’s got the right idea,” says Yakko. “Hope you brought your running shoes.”

The group runs off with the killer in pursuit. The group gets chased back towards the foyer. Frank notices the stairs to the second floor and the closed door.
Yakko leans in. “Okay, Frank. You have two ways to go-” Frank quickly heads for the door. “Uh, good job making the smart choice. Guess you kids can figure this out without my help.” Yakko turns to the camera. “Seriously, why would you ever head UP the stairs while being chased?”
All the kids run out into the street, still being chased by the killer. Unfortunately, Joey trips, but the group quickly notices and goes back to help him. The killer bears down on them, raising his large knife above his head. Fortunately, Chad thought ahead and takes out a pocket knife, sticking it in the killer’s abdomen. The killer stumbles back, dropping his knife. “Good thinking, Chad! Quick, restrain him!”
Marie, having kept the ropes used to tie her up, ties up the killer while Joey takes the knife away. The killer isn’t going anywhere any time soon. “Good work, gang, you caught the killer and saved your friend! But who is this mysterious masked man?”
Janine cautiously removes the mask, revealing the killer to be…
Tommy Wiseau?!
The unmasked killer stares at the group with a disturbing grin. “Oh, hai, kids! Ha ha ha!”
Joey, screaming, quickly decapitates Tommy. His hideous mug rolls across the pavement, frozen in a creepy, permanent half-grin. “Wow. Uh… gruesome, but that was smart of you, Joey. No sequel for this guy.” Joey drops the knife, horrified at his actions.
“Well, all of you survived this nightmare in one piece. Now I suggest you all go home and seek a good therapist. Good night everybody!”

THE END

“Oh, you’re still watching? Well we hope you enjoyed this little short film,” said Wakko.
“Hit that subscribe button if you enjoyed it, and have a Happy Halloween!” said Yakko, waving goodbye.
“Bye!” Dot whispered to Yakko. “Think anyone will realize we kinda ripped off Good Idea, Bad Idea?”
Yakko whispered back. “They won’t care. At least we got a video up for Halloween!”