Actions

Work Header

you're my sunshine in the rain when it's pouring (won't you give yourself to me)

Chapter Text

“You’re setting yourself up for failure. You do it every time.”

“I’m not.” Clarke stared at the board in front of her, concentrating, trying to come up with her next move.

“The last time you won was never.” Lexa shook her head. “And yet you try, every week, and you fail. Do you know what’s the definition of madness?”

“Shut up.” Clarke reached for her knight piece.

“Are you sure you want to do that?” Lexa smirked from across the table.

Clarke hesitated, changing her mind multiple times, before putting the piece back where it was.

“I hate you.” Lexa laughed. “And I won when we were in high school.”

“You mean I let you win because you were pretty and I thought I’d get lucky.”

“You just keep telling yourself that.” Clarke rolled her eyes.

“C’mon Clarke, make a move.”

After a couple more seconds Clarke made her move and took Lexa’s bishop in the process. “Happy now?” she looked up at her friend.

“Very. Check mate.” Lexa was trying to hide her smile.

“Fuck you.”

“Better luck next week.” Lexa shrugged grinning.

“One of these days I’ll wipe off that smug look from your face.”

“You just keep telling yourself that.” Lexa smiled.

“Just wait.” Clarke took her phone and checked her messages. “What are you doing tonight?”

“I don’t know. Going out?” Lexa threw herself on the couch next to Clarke.

“Are you asking or saying?” Clarke glanced at her.

“Both.” Lexa pulled out her phone. “Raven wants to go.”

“In that case I think I’d do more harm than good.”

“What?” Lexa looked at her confused.

“Nothing.” Clarke chuckled.

“No, what?” Lexa asked again.

“If Raven asked you to go out then that means she wants to get laid and she needs your help. If I go then no one is getting laid.”

“That makes no sense.”

“When was the last time you picked someone up when I was there with you?”

“That has nothing to do with anything.” Lexa furrowed her brows.

“I’ll tell you when. Freshman year in college.”

“That’s… no. Your presence has nothing to do with that.”

“Sure.” Clarke smirked.

“It doesn’t.”

“Okay.”

“Clarke, I’m serious.”

“Okay Lexa.” Clarke giggled. “But I won’t go out. Thanks for the invite.” she smiled. “And don’t worry. You got game regardless of my presence.” she kissed Lexa’s cheek and got up from the couch. “Text me when you get back home.”

“I will.”

Clarke picked up her bag and put on her jacket.

“Bye. Have fun.”, she winked before she left.

“Bye.”


“What got you so gloomy? Snap out of it.” Raven snapped her fingers in front of Lexa’s face. They were on their way to the club. “I need you on your best behaviour tonight.”

“Geez relax, I’m just thinking.”

“About what.”

“Something Clarke said.”

“Oh please, no thinking about Clarke tonight, like i said I need you on your best behaviour.”

“You make it sound like I’m in love with her.” Lexa rolled her eyes.

“That’s what you said.”

“Raven.” Lexa warned.

“I’m kidding. Maybe you’re not in love but when she’s around you turn into a puppy and she’s the only woman you care about and that’s not acceptable tonight.”

“She said that today. I can’t believe you also think that.”

“Honey, we all know that.”

“You are all wrong.”

“If that’s what you need to think then I’ll let you think that.” Lexa shook her head. “But no more thinking about what Clarke said.”

“Don’t worry.”


Lexa

02:27

home

Clarke

02:28

was the night successful?

Lexa

02:29

Raven is happy

why are you up?

Clarke

02:30

congrats :p

I was watching one day at a time

Lexa

02:31

without me? :(

you break my heart Clarke Griffin

Clarke

02:33

that’s what happens when you make raven a priority

Lexa

02:34

heart. break.

Clarke

02:35

relax.

I watched the old episodes.

you are the only heartbreaker in this relationship :p

Lexa

02:36

quit playing games with my heart

Clarke

02:36

you should’ve known from the start…

Lexa

02:37

I’m so tired i don’t know the rest of it

Clarke

02:38

drink some water and go to bed

Lexa

02:40

coffee tomorrow?

Clarke

02:41

text me when you get up

Lexa

02:42

night Clarke

Clarke

02:42

sweet dreams


8 years ago

“Lexa hurry up. You will be late for your first day of school. Is that the type of first impression you want to give to you teachers?” Anya yelled.

“In a minute.”

It was Anya’s first day of work and Lexa’s first day of school. They moved to Polis just a week before. Anya had just got her degree and then a job offer across the country. Lexa was against moving, she was reluctant to leave her friends and start over again. It would have been the second time in 4 years but they had no other choice.

“Lexa. C’mon.”

“I’m ready.” Lexa jumped in front of Anya.

“Are you planning to impress someone?” Anya scanned her from head to toe. Lexa had on black jeans, red plaid button up and a snapback hanging off of her backpack.

“Always.” Lexa grinned.

“I can’t believe 17 year old high school student is dressed better than I am.”

“I can teach you my ways.”

“Sure you can, hot stuff. Get in the car.”

They always had a strong bond and great relationship. Anya would have done anything for Lexa and Anya was the most important person in Lexa’s life. They were alone for the bigger part of their lives. Their parents died in an accident when Lexa was 7 and they both had to grow up fast. They moved a lot, going from one aunt’s house to the other and the only constant they had was each other.

“You don’t have to pick me up later. I’ll walk back.”
“Are you sure?” Anya glanced at her.

“Yeah, it’s not far.”

“Okay.” Anya stopped the car in front of the school. “Don’t get into too much trouble.”

“I can’t promise much.” Lexa smiled.

“See you tonight.”

“Have fun at work.” Lexa got out of the car and took a deep breath. It was her fourth school in ten years. Last one was the best of three, that’s why she had such a hard time leaving. It wasn’t because of her friends like she told Anya, or because she hated moving like she told everyone else. It was the first time she felt at home since her parents died. It was the closest she got to calling a place a home. And now she had to do it all over again. Anya said it would be a fresh start and last time they had to move. But there was nothing fresh in building your life from scratch.

“Here goes nothing.”

Lexa walked inside and started her search for principal’s office. The halls were full with people and no one seemed to care about her walking among them. No one looked at her or talked to her, or pointed fingers at her. She walked and walked but had trouble finding the offices. The bell rang and the halls started to get empty, students going into classrooms.

“You look lost.” Lexa heard a voice. She turned around and saw a blonde girl standing a couple of feet behind her.

“I can’t find principal's office.”

“Are you in trouble?” girl started to walk towards her.

“No. It’s my first day.

“Oh. You’re new.” the girl smiled.

“Yeah.”

“My name is Clarke.”

“Lexa.” she shook the girl’s hand.

“Nice to meet you Lexa. Come, I’ll show you where the offices are.”

“Thank you.” Lexa smiled.

“No problem.” They started to walk and soon after Clarke stopped by some door. “Here.” she said.

“Seriously?” Lexa asked. “I walked past these doors like thousand times.”

“Yeah, they forgot to put a tag on it. It’s temporary so I guess they didn’t think about it.”

“Thanks Clarke. You saved my life. I would have wandered around here for God knows how long.”

“My pleasure.” Clarke grinned. “I hope to see you around?”

“I hope so too.”

“Okay. I gotta run now. I’m late for class. Bye Lexa.”

“Bye Clarke.”


“My head hurts.”

“It’s called hangover.”

“I don’t get those.” Lexa massaged her temples.

“Yeah, you just get a headache after night of drinking, right?”

“Exactly.”

“Raven tells me she met the love of her life.”

“For at least a couple of days”, Lexa took a sip of her coffee.

“She says that about every girl she meets.”

“This one is really pretty.”

“Wow if she meets your standards then Raven hit a jackpot.”

“Very funny. It’s better to have standards than to like men.”

“I can’t tell you how much joy you being petty over that brings to me.”

“Anything for your happiness.”
“Speaking of my happiness, when is Anya coming back?”

“Why don’t you ask her yourself?”

“Because then I wouldn’t be able to see the look on your face everytime I ask.”

“What is it with your obsession with Anya?”

“She’s a really nice looking woman.”

“Clarke.” Lexa warned.

“I thought we were on the same page about that.” Clarke tried to hide her smile.

“Clarke.”

“You know you are my favorite Woods sibling. And the best looking one.” Clarke grinned.

“I better be.”

“I am in love.” Raven breathed out as she sat next to Lexa with a cup of coffee in her hand. “I am so in love.”
Clarke laughed. “For how long?”

“Forever.” Raven put the cup on the table and leaned back in the chair. “Lexa you are the best thing to happen to me ever.”

“What did exactly happen last night?” Clarke furrowed her brows.

“Relax blondie.” Raven smirked. “Your platonic girlfriend is still only yours.”

“Raven.” Clarke and Lexa said at the same time.

“So in sync.” Raven grinned. “But not the point. Lexa you are the second best thing to happen to me ever and you made the first best thing happen. She’s amazing. I’m in love.”

“So sex is that good?”

“Beyond good. But that’s also not the point. She’s just amazing.”

“You met her yesterday.” Clarke said.

“So?”

“So maybe wait a bit before you propose?”

“Life is too short for waiting.” Raven smirked. “Lexa you saw her, she’s amazing right?”

“The only thing I can say is that she’s very pretty.”

“So pretty right?” Raven beamed.

Lexa nodded. “It’s nice to see you this excited about someone. I hope it lasts more than a day.” Clarke poked.

“Griffin you better don’t.”

“I’m kidding. I’m happy you’re happy.”

“Thank you babes.” Raven took a sip of her coffee and then turned to Lexa. “Wait I never asked, what happened between you and that blonde?”

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Nothing.” Lexa shrugged. “I wasn’t in the mood so I went back to my place shortly after you left.”

“Lexa Woods said no to sex. What a time to be alive.”

“What’s the name of your new girlfriend?”

“Deflecting. I like this side of you.” Raven winked. “I’m kidding. Her name is Luna and I’m gonna leave you girls now and go meet with her.”

“Already?”

“I’m in love Griffin. In love.” Raven got up. “What are you two gonna do?”

“I don’t know.” Clarke looked at Lexa. “Movie? TV?” the other girl nodded. “Yeah, we are probably gonna watch something.”

“Don’t do anything I would do. I’ll call you tomorrow.” Raven waved to them and left.

“So.” Clarke leaned on her elbows over the table. “One day at a time?”

“Yes please.” Lexa smiled.


8 years ago

“Hey. Lexa, right?” a blonde appeared in front of Lexa and sat across her at lunch.

“Clarke?”

“That’s me.” the girl smiled. “Can I eat with you? Or are you waiting someone?”

“You’re the only person I know.”

“Good. I mean not good good, because that sucks, but good because… sorry, let’s start again.” Clarke sighed and  started to unwrap her sandwich. “Where did you come from?”

There was something about this girl that made Lexa smile every time she opened her mouth.

“Last place I lived was Arcadia. Across the country.”

“I’ve heard of it. My dad’s friend works there. Your family moves a lot?”

“This is my fourth school in 10 years.”

“Military?”

“What?”

“Are your parents in military? The only people I’ve heard that have to move a lot are those whose parents are in the military.”

“Oh. No. It’s just me and my sister. We moved when she started university and now when she got a job.”

Lexa could see Clarke was curious and wanted to know more about it. She just couldn’t place the curiosity into general interest or prying interest.

“Oh. I see. That must be hard. I mean without parents. I…”

“They died. In a car accident 10 years ago.”

“I’m sorry.” Lexa usually saw pity in other people’s eyes when she told them about her parents. But Clarke’s eyes were soft and full of something else.

“It’s fine. We’ve learned to live with it.” Lexa smiled. “What about you?”

“Me? I’ve been here my whole life. My mum works in the hospital and my dad died a couple of years back.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Like you said, I’ve learned to live with it.”

“The worst part is when you can see people starting to treat you differently once they know.”

“I hate it. That’s why I say it right away. To test them.”

“Did I pass?”

“Yes.” Clarke smiled. “What are you doing after school?”

“Umm, nothing. Why?”

“There’s this film festival at the outdoor movie theater next to the river. Me and a couple of my friends are going. Do you wanna come with us?”
“I don’t know. They don’t know me and…”

“Don’t worry about that. If you want, you should come. It will be fun and you’ll meet new people so I won’t be the only person you know.”

“Okay.”

“Great. We can meet in front of the school around 7?”

“I’m fine with that.”

“Good. I’ll see you then.” Clarke smiled at her and walked back inside.

Lexa had nothing to lose. Clarke seemed like a nice person, and Lexa could use a friend.


“One more?” Clarke asked as the credits started to roll on the screen.

“I don’t think I’d manage to stay awake.” Lexa yawned. They watched a couple of episodes of their favorite show and then two more movies. It was after midnight and Lexa barely stayed awake for the last 30 minutes of the movie they were watching.

“Okay sleepy head.” Lexa laid her head in Clarke’s lap and closed her eyes. “And you’re staying here. There’s no way I’m letting you go walk around half asleep in the middle of the night.”

“Mmmm.” Clarke gently pulled her fingers through Lexa’s hair. “I love when you do that.” Lexa whispered.

“I know.” she scratched softly behind Lexa’s ear, dragging her fingers up and down her neck. “Let’s go to bed.”

“I’m good here.”

“Bed is better.”

“Here is good.”

After a couple more minutes Clarke somehow got Lexa to go to bed.

“Bed is better.” Lexa said as she lied down.

“I know. Good night Lexa.”

“Night Clarke.”  Clarke turned off the lights.

“Clarke?” Lexa whispered.

“Yes?” Clarke turned around on the other side and faced Lexa. She couldn’t see her but she could feel her eyes.

“Cuddles.”

“Cuddles.” Clarke chuckled. She turned around again and pressed her back into Lexa’s front. She took Lexa’s hand and pulled it over her body and below her chin. “Good?” she asked.

“Perfect.” Lexa murmured into the back of her neck.

She kissed the top of Lexa’s hand and fell asleep.



Chapter Text

3 years ago

“Clarke’s coming back later today.”

“I know. You’ve said it a hundred times already.”

“You can pretend to be excited.” Lexa glared at Anya. They were sitting on the couch, Anya was watching TV and Lexa was on her laptop.

“I am. I’m just not as excited as you are.” Anya chuckled. “Have you been counting down minutes?”

“Very funny.”

“Have you?”

“No.” Lexa bit her lip. “She has.”

“That’s an interesting development.”

“If you only knew.” Lexa smirked.

“What?” Anya asked confused.

“What you don’t know can’t kill you.”

“Maybe it’s better if I don’t know. Clarke has always been a cool chick, I’d hate to put her in the same box with you.”

“So very funny.”

“What happens when she falls in love?”

“Clarke?” Lexa looked up from her screen.

“Yes. How will your relationship work then?”

“Same way it does now?” Lexa raised her eyebrows.

“You think that her girlfriend of boyfriend will be okay with you spending so much time with her? There will be no more sleepovers and cuddling and looking like a couple. Because seriously, how many times people have thought you two were together.”

“I hate when you bring all this up.”

“I’m concerned.”

“I’m not in love with her.”

“You were.”

“I’m not anymore.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes Anya, I’m sure. And I’ll be okay with whatever and whoever. As long as she’s happy.”

“Are you sure?”

“Will you ever stop asking me that?”

“I don’t want you to get hurt again.”

“That’s nice of you but I’m fine.”

“What happens if you find a girlfriend?”

“Then I won't have to listen to you talk about this anymore.”

“I’m serious. Have you thought about it? There’s not a lot of people who would be comfortable with the type of relationship you have with Clarke.”

“I’ll find someone who will be.”

“What if you fall deeply in love with someone who won’t be and you have to choose?”

“Anya.”

“You can’t tell me you haven’t thought about it because I know you.”

“I don’t know.”

“Don’t you think that’s telling?”

“Of what?”

“That it’s still more than just friends.”

Lexa closed her laptop and turned over to her sister.

“Anya. You were the first person I told, don’t you think I would tell you if that was still the case.”

“I just don’t want you to get hurt. That’s all.”

“Don’t worry. I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself.” Lexa smiled.

“You’ll always be my little sister.” Anya put her arm around Lexa’s neck and pulled her in for a hug.

“If only people knew what a huge softie you are.”

“I can still break you arm, you know?”

“I love you too.”


“Do you believe in soulmates?”

“Do I believe in what?” Clarke was with her mother at a restaurant. They were waiting for Lexa to join them for lunch. Clarke was going over the menu when Abby hit her with that question.

“Soulmates.” Abby smiled.

“I don’t know?” Clarke said warily. “Why?” she looked suspiciously at her mother, knowing well what it was all about.

“Just a thought.” Abby looked back at her menu.

“And we will leave it at that?”

“I assumed that’s what you want.”

“I’m so sorry I’m late.” Lexa walked in, interrupting what was probably starting to be another argument between Clarke and her mom. Clarke was relieved. She smiled at Lexa who was already sitting next to her. “I was talking with Anya and I forgot what time it was.”

“No worries.” Abby smiled. “How’s Anya?”

“She’s good. Busy. She’ll come home next month for a couple of weeks.” Just when Lexa was about to take the menu their waiter arrived.

“Do you need more time?” he asked looking at her.

“No, it’s fine.” Lexa waved. “You’ve seen the menu, you order something for me.” she nudged Clarke.

Clarke looked at her mother who was watching her intently with a smile on her face. She then turned to the waiter and ordered food for Lexa and herself.

“What did I miss?” Lexa asked once the waited was gone with their orders.

“We were just talking about soulmates.” Abby rested her elbows on the table and leaned forward. “What do you think about soulmates Lexa.”

“I think soulmates are great.” Lexa smiled widely.

“You think everyone has one?”

“More than one.”

“Romantic or?” Abby asked.

“No. I mean soulmates can be romantic yes, that’s what most people think when they say soulmate. But I think that can be anyone you have a strong connection with, bond, they are all in a way your soulmates.”

Clarke was happy when their waiter interrupted them again to bring them their drinks. She did not like where the conversation was going. Even though Lexa seemed oblivious, she knew what her mother was after. That’s what Abby did. She'd question, first Clarke and then Lexa, about their relationship. It was like that ever since the two of them met. Abby was fast to love Lexa, and Anya. Whatever they needed, or wanted, Abby was happy to provide if she was able to. And she never believed Clarke that Lexa was just a friend.

“You mean like Raven to Clarke and Anya to you?” Abby said when the waiter left.

“What’s with the deep questions mom?” Clarke tried to deflect.

“I’m genuinely interested.”

“Yes, like Raven and Anya.” Lexa said.

“Hmm.” Abby took a sip of her wine. “And what about romantic ones? Do you think everyone has one?”

“Maybe. But I don’t think that’s healthy.”

“What?”

“To believe there’s someone for you, your one true soulmate. You can waste your life waiting for that one true love to happen when in reality there’s more chance it won’t ever happen. Most people don’t find their soulmates, they don’t have fireworks. I think everyone needs to accept and learn that it’s okay to be alone rather than chase something that could maybe be true.”

Clarke emptied her glass and poured another one.

“That’s not really an optimistic view on life.”

“It’s realistic.” Lexa smiled.

“So you’re not looking for your soulmate?”

“I’m not actively waiting and hoping. If we meet, great, if not I’ll make sure I’ve lived a life and met a lot of maybe soulmates.”

“What about you Clarke?”

Now both of them were looking at Clarke and she’d prefer to be anywhere else in the world than at that table. She was already halfway through her second glass of wine.

“What about me?” she blinked.

“What do you think about all this?”

“I think it serves as a nice bedtime story.” she put her glass on the table.

“I’ve never told you those types of stories.” Abby looked at her daughter.

“Maybe if you’ve had, I would have cared today.” Clarke tilted her head and smiled smugly.

“Don’t listen to her.” Lexa jumped in. “Clarke is a diehard romantic.”

“I’m not.”

“You once told me you want a romance like one in the Notebook.” Clarke elbowed her friend under the table. “Oww.”

“I was drunk.”

“Your face lights up when you get flowers.”

“Shut up.” Clare put her hand over her face.

“Aww you’re blushing.” Lexa squeezed her neck lightly. “Nothing wrong about being romantic. Right Abby?”

“Please don’t say anything.” Clarke pleaded.

“I won’t.” Abby lifted her hands in defence.

“I can’t believe you said that.” Clarke glanced at Lexa.

“What?” Lexa chuckled. “It’s not like she didn’t know you were a romantic sap.”

“Well, she sure knows now.”

“Oh please, she showed me all the flowers you kept that different boys and girls gave you.”

“What?” Clarke raised her voice when Abby started to laugh. “I can’t believe my own mother and my best friend betrayed me.”

“We also love you.” Lexa lightly tapped her fingers on the back of Clarke’s neck. “Right?” she looked at Abby. Clarke briefly looked at her mother and then turned her head to Lexa and the green eyes smiling at her.

“Always.” Abby sighed.

Shortly after, waiter brought them their food and they spent the rest of the lunch talking about lighter stuff. Abby about her patients and hospital and Lexa about her conversation with Anya, her new work project and Clarke spent the majority of lunch just looking at her friend.

“I think you should really think about that thing we talked about earlier.” Abby said to Clarke while they were waiting for Abby’s cab.

“Mom.” Clarke closed her eyes for a moment.

“All I’m saying is think.”

“I’ve spent almost 10 years thinking. I think I’m good.” Clarke chewed her bottom lip, sneaking a look in Lexa’s direction who was standing not far away and was talking on her phone.

Abby shook her head. “You know I love both of you.”

“We’ve been over this more than a hundred times.”

“I just…”

“Mom.” Clarke interrupted her.

“Okay.”

At that same time, Abby’s taxi arrived. She turned around, waved to Lexa, kissed Clarke on the cheek and then drove away.

“That was fun.” Lexa hooked her hand around Clarke’s.

“As always.” Clarke paused. “I wanna get drunk.”

“With me or?”

“Yes.”


5 years ago

“You’re drunk.”

“We are drunk,” Clarke giggled leaning onto the wall, waiting for Lexa to open the door to her apartment.

“You are more drunk.” Lexa opened the door and pulled Clarke inside. “You need to drink some water and go to bed.”

“I don’t want bed.”

“And what do you want?” Lexa smiled.

“I wanna dance.” Clarke grinned.

“Dance?”

“Dance with me Lexa.” Clarke grabbed Lexa’s hand and dragged her to the bedroom.

“You forgot I don’t dance.” Lexa protested.

“You forgot you do dance with me.”

“Clarke, I’m drunk.”

“Shhhh.” Clarke turned on some slow, soul type of music. “Come here.” she smiled coyly.

Lexa stepped closer and put her hands on Clarke’s hips.

“Like riding a bike.” the blonde said. “Right?”

Lexa shook her head. They started to move together, with the music. Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa’s neck and leaned her cheek on hers.

“This is nice.” she kissed Lexa’s neck. “Your heart is beating really fast.”

“It’s the booze.” Lexa’s voice was low and shaky. She knew she was lying.

“You think so?” Clarke whispered.

The music stopped and Lexa moved away from her friend.

“You’ll stay. You can’t go out now.”

“I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“Why?” Clarke licked her lips.

“You are drunk.” Lexa whispered stepping ever further from Clarke.

“What if I’m not.”

“I won’t do that.” she walked to the bed and took one of the pillows. “I’ll sleep on the couch and you go to bed.” she stared into Clarke’s eyes. One part of her hoping Clarke would just nod and a small, forgotten and buried deep, part of her hoped she wouldn’t.

“Okay.” Clarke nodded.

“Good night Clarke.”

“Night Lexa.”


“I’ll hate myself in the morning.” Lexa almost tripped over the carpet in Clarke’s kitchen.

“But you don’t hate yourself now.” Clarke grinned.

“I don’t.” Lexa sat next to her. “Why are we on the floor?”

“Couch is too far.” Clarke drank the last of her drink.

“Are you going to tell me now what was the occasion?”

“My mom saying shit.” Clarke threw her head back and stared at the ceiling.

“Did I miss something.”

“She thinks we are together.”

“What?”

“Or that we should be.”

“Suddenly I’m not drunk enough.”

“But you were so happy to discuss soulmates with her today.” Clarke tilted her head and stared at the side of Lexa’s head.

“She’s your mom and she’s my… she’s Abby.”

“She keeps asking me. Over and over and over again.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Why are you single?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why are you single?”

“Why are you?”

“Why are you not answering my questions?” Clarke smirked.

“I’m not lucky in love.”

“And you’re trying really hard to be good at it.”

“You taught me good.”

“Octavia is pressuring me to go on a date with her friend.”

“Boy or girl?”

“Girl.”

“Oh.”

“She’s really pretty.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Mhm.”

“Prettier than Anya?” Lexa smiled.

“Well. Close call.”

“Will you go?”

“I don’t know.” Clarke sighed. “I need to get laid so maybe, yeah.”

“I’d offer but we know what happened last time.”

“Shut up.” Clarke rested her head on Lexa’s shoulder.

“Make me.”

“Careful what you wish for.”



Chapter Text

“Have you thought about that date?”

“I don’t know Octavia, I’m not in the mood for dates.”

“You’re not in the mood to have sex?”

“It’s not at all uncomfortable for you to say that. At all.” Clarke emphasized the last two words.

“It’s not.” Octavia glared at her. “Here comes Raven, we’ll ask her.”

The three of them were in the park for their weekly rendezvous. As time went on it was harder for them to find a time and place for all three of them to get together. So every Friday, no matter what, they met at the local park for coffee and hot dogs.

“What will you ask me?” Raven sat down between them.

“Nothing.”

“Clarke needs to get laid.” Octavia said.

Raven laughed. “That’s what I’ve been saying.”

“I’ve found her a perfect girl for a perfect date.”

“So it’s Lexa and…?”

“Raven.” Clarke interrupted.

“No.” Octavia jumped in. “God no. It’s someone she’d want to have sex with if she just gave her a chance.”

“So it’s Lexa.” Raven smirked.

“Raven I swear to God.” Clarke whispered. “Go get hot dogs, it’s your turn.” she said to Octavia.

Octavia looked at her two friends, Raven trying to hide a grin and Clarke with her hand over her face. “Okay.” she decided it was probably better if she didn’t know what was going on between them. “The usual?” she asked as she got up. The other two girls nodded and Octavia went to the nearest stand to get hot dogs.

“What was that?” Clarke asked when Octavia was far enough.

“What was what?”

“Don’t play dumb Raven.”

“I don’t think I’m the one playing dumb.”

Clarke shook her head. “No.”

“When will you acknowledge it?”
“Raven I said no.”

“You are lying to yourself if you think…”

“I don’t think anything. I just want to live my life in peace.”

“I’m pretty sure your life would be hundred times better if you just…”

“We are not talking about this. How many times do I have to tell you that?”

“Then you shouldn’t have said what you said.”

“I was drunk.”

“That’s not the point. The point is that you meant it.”

“Raven.”

“No, Clarke.” Raven turned to her friend. She sighed. “The way you talked that night.” she shook her head. “Why don’t you just talk to her?”

“There’s nothing to talk about. I keep telling you that. It was a drunken mistake.”

“Maybe you need to get drunk again.”

“Maybe I don’t.”

“You are wasting your life.”

“My life is pretty good, thank you.”

“It’s not and you know it.”

“Raven, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“How was dinner with you mom?”

“As painful as this conversation with you.”

“You act like a child sometimes, you do know that don’t you?”

“Here comes the food.” Octavia came back at the right time. “What’s going on?” she said when she saw the look on their faces. “I hope it’s not Lexa talk again.” Raven scooted away from Clarke. “You have to stop with that Raven. How many times does she have to tell you?”

“I’ll go on that date.” Clarke said before Raven could respond.

“Great.” Octavia grinned and Raven chuckled.

“Good luck with that.” she huffed out a laugh.


Clarke

01:16

are you up?

Lexa

01:17

yes, is something wrong?

 

“It’s dark and I’m walking home and I need company.” Lexa heard Clarke’s voice in her ear when she picked up the phone.

“Hello to you too.” Lexa said. “Why are you walking?” Lexa was in her bed, getting ready to go to sleep when she got Clarke’s message and after a minute her call.

“I was on a date and she lives close enough so I decided to walk.”

“Walk of shame?”

There was a couple of seconds of silence on the other side of the line before Clarke spoke again. “Not really. I don’t think so at least.”

“You don’t think so?” Lexa put Clarke on speaker and set the phone on her chest.

“There was no sex, so I guess it’s not walk of shame. I don’t know how it works.”

“Did you have fun?” Lexa changed the subject.

“Yeah.” Clarke sighed. “We went to dinner, some Thai place, food was okay. Then we walked around a bit, talked. She’s funny. Then we went back to her place and now I’m going home.”

“That sounds nice but you don’t sound very thrilled.”

“What?”

Lexa chuckled. She put the phone back on her ear. “You don’t sound very enthusiastic.”

“It was fun but nothing… I don’t know. I had fun.”

“That’s all that matters.”

For the next minute the only thing coming from the phone was the sound of their breathing.

“I’m sorry I canceled our game night.” Clarke said in a voice so quiet it was barely a whisper.

“There will be other nights.”

“Still.”

Then, again, a minute or so of silence.

“Are you close?”

“Almost there.” Clarke said and then quickly added. “You can go to sleep if you want. It’s late.”

“I’m good here.” Lexa’s voice and breathing was steady and calm, the opposite of her heart.

“Okay.” Clarke’s everything was erratic. “Are you going to Octavia and Lincoln’s party?” she opened the door of her building and started to walk up the stairs.

“Probably, yes. You?”

Clarke put the key in and unlocked the door of her apartment. “Yes. I don’t want Octavia to kill me. At least not yet.” She closed the door and took off her shoes. “I’m home.”

“Good job.” Lexa heard the bed covers ruffle as Clarke threw herself on it.

“I need to shower.” she turned on the side. “Why is your bed so much better?”

“I don’t know. I’ve always prefered yours.”

“Did you know that your voice is to me what white noise is to babies?” Clarke yawned.

“So you tell me.” Lexa smiled. “But I can’t say I’m thrilled when a woman says to me that my voice puts her to sleep.”

Clarke giggled. “I don’t mean it like that and I’m pretty sure you know that.”

“Doesn’t hurt to hear it.”

“What are you doing tomorrow?” Clarke got up and put the phone on the bed. She took off her pants and her shirt.

“Why do you sound like you are in a tunnel?”

“I was taking my clothes off.”

“That’s a pretty decent sight.”

“Do you want a picture?”

“Maybe.”

“You were too slow. Better luck next time.”

“Quit playing games with my heart.” Lexa hummed into the phone.

“It takes two to play the game.”

“I was always bad at it.”

“You’re getting better.” Clarke said with a toothbrush in her mouth.

“And now you are brushing your teeth. All this is too exhilarating I must say.”

“Shut up.” Clarke got back into her bed. “You can always hang up if you don’t like it.”

“When did I ever hang up on you?”

“There’s a first time for everything.”

“Almost everything.”

“Almost.” It’s funny how much can be said with just one simple word.

“We should sleep.”

“Yeah, it’s late.”

“It is.”

Clarke could hear Lexa’s breathing become steadier and slower by second. She was almost asleep.

“Lexa?” she called hoping to not get an answer.

“Hm?”

“Nothing.” she opted for an easy way out, there was always a way out. “Sweet dreams.”

“Night Clarke.”

The line went silent and Clarke pressed the phone against her chest.


5 years ago

“She’s in love with you, you know that right?”

“Who?”

“That one there.” Raven pointed her finger at Lexa’s direction.

“No.” Clarke was quick to shake her head.

“Oh yes.”

Lincoln was having a birthday party and they were all invited. Clarke was with Raven and Lexa was roaming around with Anya.

“She’s not.” Clarke looked at Lexa. “She can’t be.” she looked at Raven.

“Why is that so impossible?”

“I don’t know, I never thought about it like that.”

“Oh please, save that for someone else. It’s not like you are not in love with her.”

“I’m not.”

“Sure you’re not.”

“I’m not.” Clarke warned.

“Sure Clarke. Whatever makes you sleep at night.”

“What are you two whispering about?” Anya wrapped her hand around Clarke’s neck and Lexa sat next to them.

“Top secret.” Clarke smiled.

“You have to let me in on it.” Anya grinned. “I’m great at keeping secrets.”

“I wanna know secrets.” Lexa leaned closer to Clarke.

“You know all the secrets.” Clarke smiled at Lexa.

“You are no fun. I’m going to find Lincoln.” Anya got up and walked away.

“I’ll go find Octavia.” Raven jumped up right after Anya and winked at Clarke.

“Are you having fun?” Clarke asked Lexa, choosing to ignore Raven’s remark.

“I’ve had a bit too much to drink.”

“I can see that.” Clarke chuckled.

“It’s fun.” Lexa leaned back on the couch. “Are you?”

“Always.”

“I need some air.” Lexa got up and stretched out her hand. “You coming with me?” she asked Clarke.

“Yes.” Clarke took her hand and they went to the balcony.

Once they were out, Lexa took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “Much better.”

“Are you okay?” Clarke asked concerned.

“Yes.” Lexa turned to Clarke. “It’s too loud inside.” Clarke was looking at the city beneath them and Lexa was leaning on the railing and was watching Clarke. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

“What do you mean?” Clarke was still looking far away and nowhere in particular.

“I may be a bit drunk but I can still see when something’s bothering you.” Lexa poked her finger on top of Clarke’s hand.

“I’m just thinking.” she lowered her gaze on Lexa’s finger.

“Can I help?”

Clarke shook her head. “It’s nothing. I just need a distraction. Maybe one of Lincoln’s friends.” she turned around to look at the party that was still going on inside.

“Or me.” Lexa whispered.

Clarke’s heart skipped a beat and filled her cheeks with blood. “What do you mean?” she was avoiding Lexa’s eyes.

“You can’t tell me you haven’t thought about it.”

“You are drunk.”

“And brave.” Lexa laughed.

Clarke looked down at her feet. “I don’t want to make…” she paused, “I don’t want to make a mistake.”

“You can’t know if it’s a mistake without trying.”

“Lexa, I…”

“Let’s think about it this way.” Lexa put her hand under Clarke’s chin and pushed her head up a bit so she could see her eyes. “Hi.” she smiled. “We get along great, right?”

“You’re my best friend.”

“I really like you.”

“Lexa, I…”

“Just a minute, please.” Lexa interrupted her. “I really like you and I think you like me, maybe I’m wrong.” she swallowed thickly. “Don’t get me wrong. Being friends with you is one of the best things to happen to me. And if we never be more than that, I will be perfectly happy. But if there’s a chance…” she sighed, “I mean, if there’s a chance we could be more, if you want.” she let out a long breath and shook her head. “What I’m trying to say is do you wanna go out with me?” she smiled nervously.

Clarke opened her mouth as if she was going to say something but then closed them without saying anything. Her heart was beating way too fast and she couldn’t hear anything but those last words that left Lexa’s mouth. Her eyes never left Lexa’s, she had a front row in watching Lexa’s heart break,

“I…” she chewed on her lip. “I don’t…”

Lexa could see the answer in Clarke’s eyes.

“It’s okay.” she took a step back. “Let’s forget about that.” she closed her eyes for a brief moment. “Let’s forget about it.” she said again.

“Lexa.”

“It’s okay.” she put on a fake smile. “I had to try, it didn’t work. Life goes on as before.”

“Lexa I’m…”

“Don’t apologize.” Lexa said before Clarke could say how sorry she was. “Not a big deal.” she took a deep breath. “I’ll go now. Talk to you tomorrow.”

“Lexa.” Clarke called after her before Lexa left her alone on that balcony.

“Bye Clarke.” Lexa turned around once before getting back inside and far away from Clarke.

Chapter Text

8 years ago

“Clarke are you staying here tonight?” Anya yelled from the kitchen.

“I don’t know.” Clarke turned around and saw Anya standing a couple of feet away. “Why?” she asked.

“It’s late and I’m going out and I’m not comfortable with you walking alone that far at this hour. If you won’t stay then you need to get ready and I’ll drive you home. Otherwise call your mom and tell her you will spend the night here.”

“Oh.” Clarke looked briefly at Lexa who just shrugged. “I’ll go call her. Can you wait a minute?” she asked Anya.

“Sure.”

Clarke got up from the couch and went to the kitchen to call her mom.  Anya walked up behind the couch, hovered over Lexa and grinned. “I’m gonna have to ask you to not have sex on the couch.” she whispered.

“Anya.” Lexa gritted through her teeth.

“I’m just saying.” she smirked.

“I’ll sleep here.” Clarke walked back into the room.

“Great.” Anya turned around. “I’ll leave you to it then.” she put on her coat and walked to the front door. “Don’t do anything I would.”

“Bye Anya.” Lexa yelled after her sister..

“I love your sister.”

“Please don’t.”

Clarke pulled Lexa’s hand and laughed. “Let’s go upstairs.”

They walked to Lexa’s room, side by side, with their hearts in their eyes, ears and hands.

“You are the first girl that’s been here.” Lexa said when Clarke lied down on the bed.

“What about Sam?” she pushed herself up on her elbows.

“What about her?” Lexa sat next to her.

“She never was here?”

“I’m very particular about the women I let inside.”

“What are the conditions?”

“They have to be pretty, blonde and named Clarke.”

“Shut up.” Clarke pushed her.

Lexa giggled. “I’m serious.”

“So if I dye my hair I won’t be allowed in?” Clarke looked back at Lexa.

“No. Then the rules would change.”

“You’re the only girl that’s been in my bed too.” Clarke put her head on the bed next to Lexa’s.

“I feel honoured.”

“You should.” Clarke yawned.

“Do you wanna go to sleep?”

“No but yes.”

Lexa laughed, she got up and gave Clarke a shirt and shorts, and took the same for herself. “Here, take this.” she gave her the clothes. “And then we’ll go sleep.”

Lexa sat on one side of the bed and Clarke on the other and changed into their PJs.  They then got under the covers and remained on their sides of the bed.

“Are you cold?” Lexa asked.

“No.” Clarke quickly answered. “Are you?” she turned her head to face Lexa.

“No.”

They turned on their sides and got closer to each other.

“It’s nice.”

“Yeah.” Lexa smiled.

Clarke closed her eyes. “Night Lexa.”

“Night Clarke.”

Clarke fell asleep counting Lexa’s breaths and Lexa fell asleep with the warmth of Clarke’s hand on top of hers.


“Let’s play a game.” Raven had set her mind on a specific target and once she wanted to do something, that something had to be done. There was no way around it. And that night she wanted to try and move her friends from the standstill they had been at for almost a decade.

“What game?” Lexa asked.

“Let’s pretend we all just met.”

“What?” Clarke was confused.

“I’m gonna give you a scenario. You and me”, Raven said looking at Clarke, “are friends and we went out and we got here. You” she looked at Lexa “don’t know us but you came over because you think we are worth knowing.”

“What’s exactly the point of this game?” Clarke asked again.

“Having fun.”

“I don’t see how that can be fun.” Clarke emptied her glass.

“There’s endless possibilities we could all be or try to be.” Raven looked at Lexa. “We can pretend to be literally anything and anyone.”

“Hello ladies.” Lexa stretched out her arm. “My name is Lexa.”

Raven grinned and grabbed Lexa’s hand. “Nice to meet you Lexa. I’m Raven and this is my friend Clarke.”

“My pleasure.”

“This is stupid.” Clarke mumbled.

“Shhhh.” Raven said to her friend. “Lexa. Hi.”

“Hi.” Lexa chuckled.

“Did you want something?”

“Buy you a drink. If I may.”

“We don’t take drinks from strangers.” Raven shook her head.

“This is so fucking stupid.” Clarke turned her back to her friends and ordered another drink for herself.

“Way to kill the mood.” Raven huffed.

“You can’t kill something that doesn’t exist.”

“Wow I see you are in an amazing mood Griffin.”

“Sue me.”

“I will.”

“Okay, okay. Calm down ladies.” Lexa intervened before it got too serious.

“I’m calm, it’s the blonde one that needs calming down.”

“I’m perfectly calm.” Clarke took another sip of her drink.

“Sure you are.” Raven rolled her eyes. “I’m gonna go see if Luna got here.” she went past Lexa and into the crowd.

“Hi there. Can I buy you a drink?” Lexa got closer to Clarke.

“Lexa.” she looked down at her hands.

“Indulge me.” Lexa gently nudged her. “Please.” she smiled when Clarke looked at her.

Clarke hesitated. “Sure.”

“What are you drinking?”

“Whiskey neat.”

“What a coincidence. Me too.”

“Neat.” Clarke raised her eyebrows.

Lexa laughed and ordered their drinks. “You don’t look in a much of a mood.”

“How could you possibly know that?” Clarke rested her elbow on the bar and leaned her head on it.

“That’s the vibe I’m getting from you.” Lexa waved her hand in front of Clarke’s face.

“A vibe?”

“Mhm.” Lexa smiled behind her glass.

“My friend is annoying me.”

“How so?”

“She keeps pushing for something that’s…” Clarke paused and straightened her back. “Something that’s not happening.”

“I hate when they do that.” Lexa pulled her lower lip between her teeth. She caught Clarke’s eyes falling down on her mouth for a split second before going back to her eyes. “They think they know everything.”

“Yeah.” Clarke crossed her legs. “You have one of those?”

“A couple.” she tried to look down at her feet but her eyes stuck at the same place as Clarke’s skirt. She wanted to ask her if she did it on purpose. But then she pulled it down to her knee and Lexa averted her gaze to the mirror behind the half empty bottles of cheap alcohol. “Is that why you are alone tonight?” she looked back at Clarke.

“Maybe.”

“Are you always this talkative?”

“Only when I’m in the right mood.” Clarke licked her lips.

“Interesting.” Lexa finished her drink.

“Why are you alone tonight?”

Lexa ordered another round. “That’s a tough one.”

“Un tough it then.”

“I’m mending a broken heart.”

“Someone broke your heart?” Clarke fake gasped.

“Girls can be like that sometimes.”

“What happened?”

“There’s this girl.” Lexa leaned closer. “She’s the most beautiful girl in the whole world.” Clarke raised her eyebrows. “She is, trust me.” Lexa smiled. “And she’s so smart. Whatever you want to know, she has an answer for you. She is also very funny and often she doesn’t even realize how funny. She can make me laugh at any time of any day no matter what. She’s one of the few people I would do anything and everything for.”

“She sounds amazing.”

“She is.”

“What’s the catch?”

Lexa could see beyond the cool, confident and composed face Clarke learned to put on over the years. She knew the deep ends of Clarke’s soul, the things even Clarke refused to see and know. She could see the same scared girl she saw when they were 18 in Lexa’s bed, careful not to be too close to each other. The same girl that couldn’t say yes nor no to trying. The same girl that drunkenly wanted to try but never made herself do it.

“She doesn’t want me.” a sad smile danced somewhere on the edge of Lexa’s mouth and a long dead hope somewhere at the far edges of her heart.

Her words did what they were supposed to. She could see each and every one of them bounce off of every fiber of Clarke’s being. The other girl tried hard to remain smiling to not show how deep they cut.

“She’s not so smart then.”

“How could you possibly know that?”

Clarke drank the remaining contents of her glass, slow and steady. “You seem like a nice person.”

“Unfortunately that has little to do with being in love.” Lexa moved her eyes with Clarke’s hand, down her arm and to her fingers. “Are you single?”

Clarke’s breath stopped in her lungs. “Am I single?”

“Yeah.” Lexa looked back at Clarke’s eyes.

“I am.”

“How so?”

“I’m… I’m trying to figure out what I want.”

“Like in general or you have someone in mind?”

“Both.”

“Hmm.” Lexa smiled. “Just be careful. Life’s short, don’t think for too long.”

“This game is not very fun.”

“It brings this sense of freedom that comes in handy sometimes.”

“Maybe.”

“Hello my friends.” Raven sneaked between them. “I have someone I want you to meet.” she looked at Clarke. “Are you okay?” she asked concerned once she saw her friend.

“Yes.” Clarke put on another one of her many faces. “Who am I meeting?”

“Clarke this is Luna, Luna this is Clarke. And you know Lexa.”

“Nice to meet you.” Clarke smiled. “Raven can’t stop talking about you.”

“That’s what people keep saying to me.”

Then Raven started to talk but Clarke couldn’t focus hard enough on her words. She was too focused on what was happening behind Raven. Lexa was out of the loop and was staring at the bottom of an empty glass.

Clarke stared at the back of Lexa’s head and tried to think of the ways to fix something that keeps breaking every day.

 

Chapter Text

“Oh God, look at this.” Clarke shoved her phone in front of Lexa’s face. “Look how cute.” It was a picture of a black kitten, not more than a couple of months old. Lexa smiled. “I want a cat.” Clarke sighed.

“I know you do.” Lexa turned sideways. Clarke was smiling looking down at her phone, she still had the same picture on her screen.

“Octavia sent me this. Her friend is looking for someone to adopt it.”

“Taking care of a cat and especially of a kitten is a lot of responsibility.”

“And you think I can’t do it?” Clarke looked up at Lexa.

“No, I don’t think you can’t do it. I’m just saying that it’s a living thing, it’s not easy.”

“I know.” Clarke turned her head back to her phone. “But look how cute it is.” Clarke had always wanted a cat. They came with the perfect amount of clinginess and independence. “I really wanna.”

Lexa laughed. “Then take it. There’s no better time than now.”

“You think.” Clarke bit her lip.

“Yeah.” Lexa smiled.

Clarke hurried to send the message to Octavia to tell her friend that she would like to adopt the kitten and that she would like to do it as soon as possible.

“What happens when I have to go back home?” 

Lexa wanted to laugh but there was nothing better in this world than seeing excited Clarke and she knew how little it took for Clarke to not be excited anymore. “Then I’ll watch it until you come back.”

“What if you also need to go?”

“And where in the world would I need to go? My entire life is in this city.”

“What if my mom invites us both back home?”

“Then the cat goes with us.” Lexa smiled.

“You think?”

Lexa chuckled. “Yes Clarke. Don’t worry.”

“Octavia sent me the number of her friend, says he said that as far as he’s concerned the cat is mine, just to call him.” Clarke grinned.

“Go call then.” Lexa pushed her with her leg.

Clarke dialed the number Octavia sent her and soon after was talking to the owner of that kitten. From what Lexa could understand, and from what she could read on Clarke’s face, the person on the other side was happy to give the cat to Clarke.

“He says I can pick him up day after tomorrow.” Clarke said when she finished the phone call.

“Do you already have a name in mind?”

“Actually I don’t.” Clarke looked down at the small space between their legs where Lexa’s phone was. She chuckled.

“What?” Lexa asked.

“Nothing. I just remembered something from way back.  Remember when we used to sit in front of my house. There were always people walking their dogs.” Lexa knew exactly what Clarke was talking about. She smiled softly. “We would guess what their names were.”

“You would guess. I mean not guess. You would try to come up with the most ridiculous name possible.” Lexa interrupted her.

“Yeah.” Clarke shook her head. “You told me that if we ever get an animal together I could pick which one but you would have to be the one to name it.”

“I remember.” Lexa looked over at her friend. Clarke’s eyes were still looking at the undefined space between them. It was the safest space to look at. “But this one is all yours, so you get to give it the most ridiculous name you can think of.” Lexa could see the corner of Clarke’s mouth turn up into a small smile.

“Yeah.” Lexa’s phone screen lit up and brought Clarke back to reality. A familiar name popped up. Costia. Lexa picked up the phone and read the message. Clarke would never admit it but she wanted to know what the message said more than she wanted a cat. “I didn’t know you two are still talking.” she stared at the back of Lexa’s phone as if she stared hard enough she would be able to see through it.

“She’s in town.” Lexa typed and then paused looking at Clarke. “She wants to meet.”

“Oh.” Clarke tried to play it cool, to build up and never break down, but it was eating her from the inside and she was sure Lexa saw it. “Will you?” Cautious. Always cautious. Or trying to be.

“Probably. I haven’t seen her in a long time.” Lexa put the phone back between them and Clarke’s eyes followed it.

“Cool.”

Lexa ignored the obvious. They both were good at ignoring things. A habit and skill they developed over time to make life easier. “Do you need a ride to pick up the cat?”

Clarke didn’t hear a word of what Lexa said. She stared and stared and stared hoping she would suddenly develop the ability to burn things by looking at them. Heat vision. That was what Clarke needed. She wanted to burn every trace of that girl from her life. Clarke had no reason and even less right but she wanted it more than anything else in the world. Almost more.

“Clarke?” Lexa called her name and Clarke looked up, frowning. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Clarke was quick to avert her gaze to another undefined space, somewhere in front of her, somewhere far from Lexa.

“Are you sure?” Lexa reached wanting to touch but stopped midway and lowered her hand and put it over her phone.

“Yes.” Clarke turned to look at the girl sitting next to her and smiled. She felt her heart beating in her throat, in her ears and her chest so hard and so fast she thought it was going to jump out.

“Okay.” Lexa picked up her phone and turned it so that the screen was looking down. “Do you need a ride to pick up the cat?” she asked again.

“No. Thanks.” Lexa’s phone buzzed again. It took a lot from Clarke to not look at it again. She closed her eyes. “I’m gonna go.” she said when she heard Lexa’s fingers tapping on the screen.

“What? No. Why? We haven’t even played yet.”

Clarke got up and grabbed her things. “Headache.” she shrugged. “We can play tomorrow.”

“Do you want me to drive you home?” Lexa got up.

“No, no. I’ll be fine. Fresh air and all that.” Clarke smiled.

“Text me when you get home. Okay?”

“Sure.”


7 years ago

“I have a plan.”

“Okay, let me hear it.”

It was a week before senior prom dance and it was a perfect chance for Clarke to take a chance and do what she wanted to do for a long time.

“I’m gonna ask her to go with me and when she says yes we will dance and do other shit and then I will kiss her and tell her how I feel.”

“I have to say a bit underwhelming, I expected romance and shit like that that.” Raven joked.

“You don’t think it’s good?” Clarke looked genuinely concerned.

“Calm down Griffin. Jesus it’s so easy to knock you down when you are flying high.” Raven sighed. “I’m just kidding. It’s a great plan. You just have to go through with it and not chicken out like all the times before.”

“I won’t. Now or never.” Clarke laughed nervously.

“Relax. It’s gonna be great. She’s…”

“Don’t say that.” Clarke interrupted Raven mid-sentence.

“You don’t even know what I was going to say.” Raven rolled her eyes.

“I do know. You’ve been saying it a lot lately.”

“It’s the truth.”

“Did she tell you that?”

“No, but…”

“Then don’t, you don’t know.”

“Okay, okay.” Raven paused. “But she is in love.” she laughed.

“Raven.” Clarke elbowed her friend and almost pushed her off the chair.

“Jesus. I won’t say it again.”

“Good.”

“But it’s the truth.” Raven got up to take the cookie from the table in the kitchen. “Just so you know.” she yelled back to her friend.

“I hope so.” Clarke whispered to herself.

Later that day Clarke was at Lexa’s house, they were playing chess. Lexa was playing and Clarke was trying to gather enough courage to mutter out the words she had been rehearsing for the past month.

“Check mate.” Lexa grinned. “Clarke that was bad even for your standards.”

“Sorry.” Clarke was back from her daydreaming.

“One more?” Lexa asked looking at Clarke.

“Umm.” Clarke knew it was the perfect time to ask her question, there won’t be a more right time. “I have to ask you something.” she blurted out.

“Okay.”

“It’s-about-prom-do-you-wanna-go-with-me.” Clarke said it in one breath but still wasn’t able to breathe properly.

“Wow, slow down Clarke.” Lexa got up and walked around the table to sit next to Clarke. “What about prom?”

“Do you wanna go with me?”

“Oh.” Lexa was surprised. Of all things that was the one she expected the least. “I thought you were going with Raven.”

“You don’t have to it’s okay.” Clarke looked down at her hands.

“It’s not that.” Lexa put her hand on Clarke’s knee. “It’s not really.” Clarke’s fingers turned white from how hard she was squeezing it. “You said you were going with Raven, a couple of months ago and literally every time anyone talked about it.”

“No, yeah, just forget, it’s alright.” Clarke looked up at Lexa and tired to smile.

“C’mon Clarke, don’t.” Lexa’s eyes were never before as soft as they were when she said her next words. “I would have said yes immediately but I already have a date. I will cancel it.”

“No.” Clarke blurted. “This was just a stupid idea, thought, nothing more. Who are you going with?”

“Clarke.”

“No, really, I’m going with Raven like you said. I just thought… It’s nothing really.” Clarke again tried to smile but failed miserably. “Who are you going with?”

Lexa sighed. “Costia.”

“Oh. Nice. She’s nice.” Clarke knew she had to get up and leave but she couldn’t. She tried to convince herself it was because Lexa’s hand on her knee was keeping her in place but then Lexa moved her hand and Clarke was still paralyzed.

“She is.”

“And she likes you.” Clarke didn’t know why or how those words were leaving her mouth. She didn’t want to say them and she didn’t want to hear them.

“I guess so.” Lexa watched her closely. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes. Why?” she was close breaking down. If she continued to talk her voice would soon start to get shaky and if it went on for long enough she might start to cry.

“You don’t look okay.”

“I am.” she smiled again.

“I can seriously cancel it and go with you.”

“No, no, no, no need, really. It’s fine. I’m happy you have a date.” Smile. Clarke knew she had to smile. Just smile and everything would be easier. Smiling was always easy.

“If you say so.”

“I am really.” Clarke smiled. “Let’s play one more.” she turned back to the chess board. Playing meant not talking and that was what Clarke needed.

 

“There they are.” Raven tilted her head in Lexa’s direction.

“It’s not that big of a deal.”

“Umm it is.” Raven waved to Lexa. “I still don’t understand why you just didn’t tell her.”

“Raven, be quiet.”

“She looks great.” Raven meant Costia.

“She does.” Clarke saw only Lexa.

“Here they come.” Raven whispered to Clarke. “Hello ladies, looking hot.” she said to the two girls that were now next to them.

“Thanks, so do you.” Costia hugged Raven and waved to Clarke.

“Hi.” Lexa mouthed in Clarke’s direction. “What?” she said when she saw the way Raven was looking at her.

“What what?” Raven acted confused.

“Why that look?”

“What look?”

Clarke’s eyes immediately fell on Lexa’s hand and the one she was holding. She spent last week pretending it didn’t bother her how often that hand was in Lexa’s, or the way Lexa looked at Costia, or the way she kissed her. Clarke almost succeeded in convincing herself that she’s not bothered anymore, that everything she thought she knew and felt was just a fleeting thing, that she made a big deal out of something that’s nothing more than a friendship. Her and Lexa were just friends. Just friends.

“Clarke you look amazing.” Clarke looked up and saw it was Costia talking to her.

“Thank you.” she smiled. “So do you. Really amazing.” she smiled some more. She couldn’t and didn’t want to look at Lexa. She had to pretend more and harder before she could do that.

“Let’s go dance.” Costia pulled Lexa’s hand.

“Yes lovebirds. Go enjoy.” Raven forced herself to smile. “We’ll go find if someone has booze.” she hooked her arm under Clarke’s and pulled her friend away. “It’s not gonna last.” Raven whispered after kissing her cheek.

As they walked away Clarke turned around and saw Lexa kissing Costia. She quickly looked away and swallowed the tears.

I f her eyes had stayed on them a little longer she would have seen Lexa pulling away from Costia and looking at Clarke. Maybe then she wouldn’t had spent months crying herself to sleep. But maybe will always be just a maybe.



Chapter Text

“You went out with Costia?” Anya looked up from her menu.

“It was just dinner.” Lexa continued to skim through hers.

“Does Clarke know?”

“Why does everything always need to come back to Clarke? What’s she got to do with me going out with anyone?” Lexa put down the menu, almost slamming it to the table and looked to her right and into the half empty street on the other side of the window.

The last time Lexa almost yelled at Anya was on that rainy night when Clarke said no to Lexa for the first and only time in her life. Anya and Lexa were still living together and the last they spoke Lexa was supposed to stay over at Clarke’s because it was much closer than their apartment. But then Lexa came back and Anya couldn’t tell if her face was wet from the rain that was falling or because of the tears in her eyes. When Lexa saw her it seemed like she was surprised Anya was there, and after Anya asked her how come she wasn’t at Clarke’s place Lexa snapped at her. They didn’t talk for three days after that.

“How’s Costia?” Anya cleared her throat.

“She’s good.” Lexa was still looking through the window, she was watching the traffic lights go from green to red, counting the time between them.

“Is she back for good?”

“I didn’t ask.”

“Is she single?”

“Yes.”

“Will you see her again?”

“Do you want to order?” Waiter interrupted their conversation.

“We are waiting for a friend.” Anya said looking beside him and to the door. She then smiled widely. “She’s here. Can you give us another minute?” she asked the waiter as she stood up. He nodded and a few seconds after it Anya had Raven hugging her.

“My favorite Woods sibling.”

“I better be.” Anya looked behind Raven and then added “Where’s the blonde one?”

“Oh, she’s sick, she’s not coming. Didn’t she text you?” Raven looked at Lexa who was sitting next to her.

She checked her phone. “No.” she shrugged.

“Well she got sick last night so she couldn’t come.”

“What happened?” Lexa asked with her fingers hovering over Clarke’s name on her phone.

“Probably just a cold.” Raven sat down next to Lexa.

Lexa

19:24

Are you okay?

 

Lexa typed the message and sent it to Clarke. At the same time the waiter came back and they ordered their food. Lexa turned back to watching the traffic lights.

“What got you so gloomy?” Raven nudged her after some time. Lexa turned her mind off and didn’t listen to anything her sister and Raven were talking about.

“What?”

“What got you so gloomy?”

“I’m just thinking.” she looked at her phone. Clarke wasn’t answering her message.

“Care to share what got you so deep in thought?” Anya smiled from the other side of the table.

Lexa debated to answer it truthfully or to just shrug it off as nothing of importance. “Time. It passes by so fast. But then sometimes seconds seem like hours.” she took a sip of her drink. “Do you remember the first time we met?” she looked at Raven. “That stupid movie.”

“I remember Clarke describing you like the hottest person in the world. And I remember me being disappointed when I realized you are not the hottest person in the world.” Raven smirked.

Lexa chuckled. “She did not describe me as the hottest person in the world.”

“She did. Ask Octavia if you don’t trust me.”
Lexa shook her head as if she was shaking off the thoughts she didn’t want to creep up to her again. “Anyways, that feels like a lifetime ago and at the same time like it was yesterday. It’s odd.”

“If you had a chance to do it again, would you change anything?” Raven asked after the waiter put the food in front of them.

“Would you?” Lexa didn’t want to answer that question so she switched it back to Raven.

“I wouldn’t waste my time on all those douchebags.”

“Ugh, same.” Anya added.

“And I would probably try to be a better friend to Clarke, there were times when I wasn’t doing and saying what she needed to hear.” Raven shrugged. “Now it’s your turn. Don’t think you get to avoid it. What would you change? And don’t tell me you never thought about it because I know you and I know you have like a dozen different scenarios in your head.”

Lexa smiled. Raven did know her. “Sometimes I wish we never moved there.” she sighed.

“You regret meeting me?” Raven gasped. “I’m shocked.”

“Just think about it. Your life would have been so much easier if it weren’t for me.”

“You give yourself too much credit.” Raven rolled her eyes. “It’s not polite to check your phone when you are talking to someone.” she said after Lexa checked her phone for the tenth time since they started talking.

“Clarke’s not answering.”

“It always comes back to Clarke.” Anya said in her best Lexa voice.

“Really?” Lexa threw her sister unamused look.

“Your words.”

“How’s Costia?” Raven asked between bites and before Lexa could say whatever she was going to say.

“Why is suddenly everyone so interested in her well being?” Lexa was starting to get annoyed. Anya’s question was genuine interest but Raven’s was something else and everyone at that table knew it.

“I haven’t seen her in a long time. I’m just interested.”

“She’s great.”

“Still pretty?”

“More than ever.”

“Was it a date?”

“Why does it matter?”

“Because I’m your friend.” Raven frowned. “And because no matter what you think I care about you and I want you to be happy.” she paused until Lexa looked away. “She made you happy once, maybe she can do it again. You deserve it.” she put her hand on Lexa’s shoulder. “There’s no ulterior motive here.”

Lexa’s phone buzzed on the table. It was Costia.

 

Costia

20:17

Hey it’s kinda last minute

But my friend has a party tonight

Do you wanna go with me?

 

“Clarke?” Anya asked.

“No.” Lexa said as her fingers typed yes.

 

Costia

20:20

Great!

I’ll pick you up in an hour?

Lexa

20:20

It’s a deal.

 

Lexa turned off her phone and put it in her pocket.

“I’m fine. Thank you for your concern.” she looked at Raven and then at her sister. “Both of you. But it’s not necessary.”

“Tell her I said hi.” Raven smiled softly.

“I will.”


“Hey.” An hour later Lexa was standing in front of her building when she saw the curly mess of a hair going her way. She always loved Costia’s hair. “I’m sorry I’m late.”

“Not unusual.” Lexa smiled.

“Do we shake hands or hug or I don’t know.” Costia laughed nervously.

“We can hug?” Lexa spread out her arms and waited for Costia to hug her. She was warm and familiar.

“I’ve always liked your hugs.” she said after. “Like a bear.”

“A bear?” Lexa laughed. “I don’t think that’s something I aim for.”

“Like a good bear.” Costia smiled. “Let’s go. It’s just a couple of blocks away.”

“Do I know any of them?” They started walking side by side in the direction Costia showed.

“Some.”

“Do they hate me?”

“Some.”

“Hmm. I may be reconsidering going there.”

Costia laughed, the same light, sweet laugh that used to make Lexa’s days brighter and nights warmer. “I’m kidding. It’s not that easy to hate you. Trust me I tried.”

“Hey, I’m…”

“No need.” Costia raised her arms to stop Lexa from going further. “It’s long gone and in the past” she smiled. “Shit happens, right?”

“Yeah.” Lexa sighed.

“We’re here.” Costia stopped in front of a red building with red doors.

“After you.”

The next couple of hours they spent drinking and walking around talking to Costia’s friends. She introduced Lexa to all the people that didn’t know her and everyone was beyond nice. There was nothing else to expect from people Costia considered friends. Lexa felt like everyone there knew her but not quite and not really. They knew of her and she didn’t know about any of them. She didn’t even know about Costia anymore. It was a strange feeling.

A lot of drinks later when the music started playing and people were more interested in dancing than talking Costia looked at her. “You are quiet. Are you bored?”

“What? No, I’m having a really nice time, they are all beyond nice. Why? Do I look bored?” When Lexa was drunk words flowed out of her.

Costia laughed. “You look fine.”

“Hmm I was never the light of the party if that’s what you’re thinking about. That was your job.” Lexa was feeling buzzed. She had a lot to drink, a lot more than she thought she would.

“But always the second brightest.” Costia emptied her glass and put it on the table next to them. “Let’s dance.” she pulled Lexa to where the music was playing. She put Lexa’s hands on her hips and wrapped her’s around Lexa’s neck. “Do you know what I missed the most after you left?”

“You left.” Lexa corrected her.

“Irrelevant.” Costia smiled. “Do you know?” she asked again.

“Sex.”

Costia giggled. “No.” she licked her lips. “But close second. I like how you think.” she leaned her head on the side of Lexa’s. “I missed your hands the most. The way you always knew how I needed to be touched or if I didn’t want to be touched at all.”

“I’m drunk.” Lexa whispered into Costia’s cheek.

“Me too.” she leaned back and put her hand where her head was. “I feel like I’m nineteen again and have the prettiest girl in the world in my arms.”

Lexa closed her eyes and pulled her closer. She could feel Costia’s breath on her lips.

“Your pants are buzzing.”

“I don’t care.”

“Maybe it’s important.”

“I don’t care.” Lexa wondered if Costia would taste the same. “I wanna kiss you.” she whispered.

Costia sighed. “I wanna be kissed.” she paused. “But when you’re sober.” she put her hands on Lexa’s and stepped back. “I don’t want to be a drunk mistake.” Lexa opened her mouth to say something but Costia shook her head, “Don’t because you might talk me into it.” Lexa’s phone buzzed again. “You should check that. Maybe it’s important.” she squeezed Lexa’s hand and walked away.

 

Clarke

00:26

I’m okay, better

00:30

I fell asleep

I’m sorry if I worried you

00:36

I hope this won’t wake you up if you’re sleeping


5 years ago

“You never talk to me about your parents.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“We’ve been together for two years and I know nothing about them.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

They were in the middle of one of their fights. They became frequent near the end of their relationship. It always started around something mundane and stupid and it always ended the same way.

“I don’t even know what they looked like.”

“Why the fuck does it matter how they looked like?”

“I’m sure she knows.”

“Not this again, please.” Lexa put her hand over her face. “She’s my friend so what if she knows stuff that you don’t. Your friends know stuff that I don’t.”

“No Lexa. You know why?” Costia looked defeated. “Because you are my best friend and I tell you everything.” she sighed. “And you have someone else for that.”

“Costia.” Lexa walked up to her girlfriend and cupped her face with her hands. “She’s just a friend.” she said softly.

“Maybe in theory, yeah.” she put her hands of Lexa’s. “But we both know that’s not entirely true.”

“She’s never been anything more than a friend. You can’t think…”

“No, I know. Maybe she will always stay just that. And maybe you’ll find someone who won’t care about that. But I don’t think that someone is me.” she pulled Lexa’s hands from her face and stepped back. “Sometimes I feel like I’m the other girl and not the girlfriend. Like we are cheating on someone.”

“What? I never…” Lexa gulped.

“I know.” Costia smiled.

“I never lied to you.” Lexa tried to come closer but Costia took another step back. “I love you.”

“I know you do.” she took Lexa’s hand in her own and kissed it. “But you don’t love me the most. And I can’t do that anymore. I can’t spend my life being the second best. I wish I could because I’m about to break my own heart but I just can’t.”

“Costia, don’t…”

“Please.” Costia shook her head. “You’ll talk me out of it. But you know that this is what’s best for both of us. I deserve better and so do you.” she smiled, pushing away the tears. “We had fun.”

“We did.”

“I hope… I hope you get what you want.” Costia wrapped her arms around Lexa’s neck and kissed her cheek. “I really do.”

“I hope you get the world.” Lexa whispered.

“See you around.” Costia wiped her tears and smiled.

“Counting on it.”

“Bye Lex.”


Lexa left the party drunk on more than one thing. She walked the short walk to her apartment hoping the air would sober her up and clear her mind, hoping the moon would tell her what she had to do. She was close to doing the things she had already done. Maybe they were a mistake the first time and they sure would be the second time around.

After she closed the door of her apartment, she called Clarke.

“Do you need me to come over?” she asked when Clarke picked up.

“No, thanks. I’m better, it’s nothing serious.”

“You don’t sound better.” Clarke sounded sick, Lexa could hear she was trying hard not to cough between every word she said.

“I’ve slept for like seven hours.”

“Are you sure you don’t need anything? I can come and bring you some food if you want. Did you eat?” Lexa tried her best to sound like herself.

“I’m sure, thank you. I made myself some soup and tea and I’m seriously okay. I’m sad I missed the dinner.”

“Next time.” There would always be a next time for everything. Almost everything.

“Are you home?”

“Yes. Why?”

“You sounded out of breath.”

“I was out.”

“Oh.” Clarke paused. “With Costia?”

“Yes. Her friend had a party.”

“Is she still perfect?”

“Costia?”

“Yes.”

Lexa took a deep breath. She didn’t want to fight because she was still not sober enough to not say something that she would regret in the morning. “She’s… the same.”

“Is that a thing now?” Clarke was persistent.

“What?”

“You and Costia.”

“I don’t know.”

“How come you are not with her now? It’s not like you to leave a girl alone after a night out.”

“Who says she’s not with me?”

“I doubt she’d let you call me.”

“No one needs to let me do anything.”

“Sure.”

“What is it Clarke?” There was no more walking around it. It was late and she was tired and Clarke was doing something she had no right to do.

“What is what?”

“Why are you suddenly asking all these questions?”

“I’m not, it’s just weird that you’re going out with her and just leaving her at that.”

“I go out with you plenty and just leave it at that. How is that not weird?”

“That’s not the same.”

“Sure it’s not. And if you really wanna know she said no. I asked and she said no. That seems to be the one thing you two have always had in common.” Lexa hanged up, turned off her phone and left it on the kitchen counter.

The next morning Lexa woke up to two messages on her phone. One from Anya and one from Costia.

 

Costia

07:48

I’m sorry about last night

 

Anya

08:36

Dinner tonight at my place? You, me, Lincoln and Clarke

 

Clarke. Lexa almost forgot about Clarke. She answered to Costia first.

 

Lexa

10:11

Nothing to be sorry about. I had a great time.

 

The answer came before she could switch to Anya’s message.

 

Costia

10:11

Still. I’m sorry. Text if you wanna hang out?

Lexa

10:11

I will.

 

Next was Anya and whatever that possibly disastrous dinner plan she had was.

Lexa

10:12

Lincoln is back in town?

 

But Lincoln was the least of her problems. Clarke. Lexa said some things Clarke was never supposed to hear.

 

Lexa

10:15

I see we talked last night

I was drunk, I hope I didn’t say something stupid

Are you feeling better?

 

Lying was always the safest solution to all of Lexa’s Clarke problems. Why deal with them when you can just pretend it all never happened.

 

Clarke

10:17

No worries

I am, thanks for asking

Lexa

10:18

Good, that makes one of us

My head is killing me, I don’t know why I keep drinking

 

Evade and distract and then play dumb and pretend you are oblivious to everything. That was Clarke’s get out of anything card and now it was Lexa’s time to play it.

 

Clarke

10:20

That’s what you keep saying

Lexa

10:21

One of these days, one of these days

 

Lexa put her phone down and made herself a cup of coffee. When she was half way through it she got another message from Anya.

 

Anya

10:30

Yes and they both said yes already so no backing out of it

7pm. Don’t be late.

 

Lexa decided to leave all the world behind and go back to bed. It was going to be a long night and she wasn’t sure she was ready for any of it.

But the hours passed as hours do and soon it was time for her to go. She hadn’t heard from Clarke since morning and she didn’t know what to expect on the dinner she was going to. It couldn’t be that bad.

“Finally.” Anya opened the door.

“I’m not late.” Lexa walked in and looked around to see if Clarke and Lincoln were already there.

“You’re not but you are last.”

She saw them sitting at the table. Clarke tried to smile and Lincoln got up.

“Long time.” Lincoln hugged her.

“Not that long.”

“Still. You look good.”

“Thanks.” Lexa smiled. “Hi.” she said to Clarke. “How are you?”

“Good. That’s the second time today you ask me that.”

“Just making sure.”

“Nothing to worry about.”

“Good.” Lexa turned to the kitchen. “Do you need any help?” she asked Anya.

“Nope. Everything’s ready. You just sit.” Anya walked back with the food and set it on the table.

So Lexa did what her sister told her. She sat next to Lincoln and opposite Clarke.

“What have you been up to?” Lincoln asked her.

“Nothing much. Same as always.”

“Anya tells me Costia’s in town.”

“Yeah.” Lexa glanced in Clarke’s direction only to see her roll the food around in her plate. “For a couple of months at least.”

“How is she?”

“Uhh fine.” Lexa stuffed her mouth with food hoping it will give her a way out from talking.

“I’ve always liked her.” Lincoln said between bites.

“Leave her be.” Clarke sighed.

“I’m just saying.” Lincoln shrugged.

“All of us have always like Costia. No need for interrogation.” Anya jumped in.

“Why do you always think I’m interrogating people when I just ask them questions?”

“Because you are. And it’s not very comfortable when you have to answer it, especially when there’s other people around you.” Clarke was still not looking at Lexa.

“If you say so.” he put up his hands to show he gave up.

After the dinner Lexa helped Anya with cleaning.

“What’s going on with you?”
“Me?”

“You and Clarke. You haven’t said a word to each other all night.”

“Nothing.”

“What happened?”

“Nothing happened.”

“Lexa.”

“Anya. Nothing happened.”

“What was the name of that game we all used to play way way back?” Lincoln walked over to them and sat at the counter. Clarke followed him.

“Which one?” Anya asked.

“The one with lying.”

“Two truths and a lie.” Anya grinned.

“Yes, that one. Let’s play that.”

“Fuck.” Clarke mumbled out.

Anya laughed. “You wanna play two truths and a lie?”
“Yeah, why not?”

“Just asking. I’m in if they are.”

“I’m not in the mood.” Clarke crossed her arms at her chest.

“C’mon Clarke. It will be fun.” Lincoln nudged her.

“You wanna play two truths and a lie?”

“Is there an age limit I’m not aware of?”

“No, it’s just weird.” Clarke sat next to her.

“Then let’s play.” Lincoln took a sip of his drink. “I’ll go first, then Anya, then Clarke and then Lexa.”

Reluctantly they indulged him and played the long forgotten game. After a few rounds, it was Clarke’s turn again.

“Okay. Let’s see.” she stared down at the reflection of Lexa’s hands on the counter. “I’ve never been in love. I regret going to prom. I wish you could have met my dad.” she drank the rest of her wine.

“Aw blondie.” Anya smiled. “That’s sweet and easy. The lie is that you’ve never been in love.”

“Yay.” Clarke chuckled.

“Point to me.”

“Too bad we are not keeping score.” Lincoln said.

“Do you think he would have liked us?” Anya threw her hand around Lexa’s neck and pulled her closer.

“He would have loved us. If for nothing else then because we love his daughter.” Lincoln smiled.

“But who’d be his favorite?”

“All of...”

“Lexa.” Clarke said before Lincoln could finish his sentence. “Sorry Anya, you’re my favorite, and Lincoln I adore you, but he would had loved her more.”

“You break my heart blondie.” Anya brought her hand from around Lexa’s neck to her chest. “But that’s only fair considering she does love you more than we do.”

“Speak for yourself.” Lincoln grinned.

“Now you broke mine.” Clarke put her hand on her chest.

“Oh I’m sure you’ll live.”

“Lexa, it’s your turn.”

“Oh God.”

“C’mon, give us your best.”

“I…” Lexa let out a long breath. “I don’t know. I’m really tired.”

“You always ruin the fun.” Anya pulled a piece of Lexa’s hair.

“Sue me.”

“I’m also tired. We should call it a night.” Clarke got up from her seat.

“You all do realize you are staying here don’t you? It’s like a full blown storm outside and you’ve all had to drink and you’re not going anywhere.”

“No. I am going home.” Lexa said to her sister.

“Your home is where I am so you are staying here, at least until the weather goes back to normal.” Lexa opened her mouth to say something but Anya put her finger over it and stopped her. “I don’t wanna hear it. Lincoln will sleep on the couch and you two can share your old room. Or floor. Or whatever. I don’t care.”

“Anya.”

“Shhh I said I don’t wanna hear it.”


Clarke and Lexa were both pretending to be sleeping. It was obvious Clarke was upset. Last night was the first time Lexa had, in any way, mentioned Clarke rejecting her. It was always unspoken. It took them a week after it happened to get to the state where to the outsiders it looked like nothing had happened. It took them a lot more to actually get there.

“You really think he’d like us?” The silence was deafening, Lexa had to say something.

“My dad?”

“Yeah.”

“He’d love you.”

“Is it weird that I feel like I’ve known him.”

“Well I did tell you everything I remember about him.” Lexa turned her head to the right and she saw Clarke staring somewhere above them. She saw the blanket go up and down with her breathing and she wondered what would happen if they weren’t Clarke and Lexa but someone different, someone new. “I’m starting to forget him.” The moon was lighting up the room and Clarke’s face. Lexa saw a tear stream down Clarke’s face. She scooted closer to her and wiped off the tear.

“I’ll remind you anytime you need it. I’ll tell you stories you told me. You won’t forget him. I won’t let you.” Clarke closed her eyes to stop more tears from falling down on her face. “It’s okay to cry.” Lexa dragged her thumb over Clarke’s forehead, her fingers through Clarke’s hair.

“I’m sorry for ever hurting you.” It was hard to stop the tears going. “I really am.” she opened her eyes and looked at Lexa.

“I know.” Lexa offered her a small smile. “It goes both ways.” she leaned and kissed Clarke’s forehead.

“I don’t remember this bed being this uncomfortable.” Clarke chuckled wiping off her tears.

Lexa put her head down next to Clarke’s and put on hand over Clarke’s body. She put her chin on Clarke’s shoulder and her face in Clarke’s neck. Their bodies had always fit perfectly.

“Better?” Lexa whispered into Clarke’s hair.

“Yes.”

“We can pretend we are seventeen and in my old bed.”

For the first time in years Clarke let her heart beat as fast as it wanted.

 

Chapter Text

“Three nights in the row without Lexa? Is there something we should know?” Raven plopped on the couch next to Clarke.  

“I’m trying to give her some space.” They were having a movie night at Octavia’s place. It was late enough and they’ve had enough to drink for Raven to be comfortable to ask Clarke that question. The past couple of days Clarke was especially not willing to answer any Lexa related question. Raven blamed it on Costia being in town and Clarke not liking it.

“Space? What does she need space for?”

“Just… distance is sometimes good.”

“Are you sure you are doing… that for her and not for yourself?” Raven looked behind Clarke to try and see if Octavia was listening. She was on her phone but she looked up as soon as she heard Raven’s question.

“It’s that thing she does every once in awhile.” she said.

“You mean when she tries to break up with her?”

“It’s not breaking up.”

“Yes, that.” Octavia put her phone down. “It’s honestly so stupid. I don’t even know how to call it other than stupid.”

“See, even Octavia thinks it’s stupid.”

“I’m doing what’s best for both of us.”

“Cut the crap Clarke, you are doing something you think it’s the best when in fact it’s the most stupid thing in the world.”

“Preach.” Raven nodded.

“It’s not that simple.”

“Yes it is.”

“It’s not.”

“It is.”

“Explain it to me then.” Clarke crossed her arms on her chest and took a more defensive stand.

Octavia looked at her friend intently. For a split second she thought about not saying anything, to let Clarke go on with her ‘don’t talk don’t think’ stance on the whole thing, but Octavia was tired. She was tired of looking at her friend being miserable, of watching her friend make herself miserable, of being a bystander in her friend ruining her own life so she did what she wanted to do for a very long time. “You love her, she loves you, you need to be together but you are both just so fucking dense and I don’t know what is your thought process. Yours especially. She won’t wait for you for forever you know? Costia’s in town. Lincoln tells me they are spending a lot of time together. What will you do if they get involved again? You do know that means no more Lexa for you? So maybe, just maybe, you shouldn’t be taking your time and giving space to someone who clearly doesn’t want that and maybe take a chance, or give her one, or anything really other than this no man’s land that you’ve been stuck in for the last ten years.” Octavia sighed. “It’s so fucking stupid Clarke, don’t you see it? I’m not her best friend, I’m can’t even be called her friend and I can see what you are too blind to see. Or no, you are not blind you just choose to close your eyes and pretend you can’t see. Or you see but ignore and choose to be this cruel. Because let’s be real this shit that you keep doing is cruel and it’s making you and her miserable. And it’s especially cruel when you know she won’t leave and that she’s crazy enough to wait for forever and never be nothing more than just a friend. It’s… I can’t even put to words how frustrating it’s been to watch you do nothing.” Octavia’s words left everyone in the room speechless. Raven was looking at Octavia and Octavia was looking at Clarke waiting for her to say something and Clarke was looking nowhere, or at least she tried. “What, I spend five minutes talking and telling you to not be stupid and now you’re not gonna say anything?” Octavia added.

“What do you want me to say?” Clarke finally said.

“I don’t know. That I’m not wrong and that you are in fact not in love and that you know for a fact that she’s not in love anymore or that you have some great plan as to why you are doing this shit to yourselves for all these years. And why neither one of you ever even tried to do something about it? You should say something along those lines, or nothing if you agree with everything I just said.”

“Lexa tried.” Raven said when she saw Clarke wasn’t going to.

“What?”

“No Raven.” Clarke shook her head.

“Wait what?” Octavia asked again.

“No.” Clarke warned her friend.

“Lexa tried, a couple of years back. Clarke said no.”

Clarke put her hands over her face and rubbed her temples.

“What the fuck Clarke? When? Why didn’t you tell me something?”

“Probably because she knew you’d tell her something like this just now.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Oh but you will.” Octavia paused. “I’m not even mad that you haven’t told me. I’m not even mad at all.” she looked at Clarke. “Why do you hate yourself so much?”

“I don’t hate myself…”

“Then you must hate her.” Octavia interrupted her mid-sentence.

“I don’t hate her.” Clarke was quick to say. “I…”

“You?” Octavia raised her brows expectantly but Clarke remained silent. “Oh. I get it. You think you are scared of the unknown.”

Raven chuckled. “Lexa is many things but unknown is not one of them.”

“Oh but she is. She is a friend and a shoulder to cry on and sleep on and she is Lexa but she’s not a girlfriend. That is unknown and that’s what scares you isn’t it?” Octavia looked at Clarke. “You think you‘ll lose a friend and get a girlfriend and you are scared you’ll get lost in all of it. You are scared that she’ll get lost and that you’ll lose something you’ve been building for so long.”

“I’m scared it’s not real.” Clarke finally said. She took a deep breath in and then let it all out. Every doubt and fear floating around her body, draining her and poisoning her blood. “I’m scared it’s all just because I’m unattainable. I’m scared she’ll lose interest and I’ll be ruined forever. If I let it, if I let her in all the parts of my heart and my soul then I’ll never be able to go back. I’ll drown and what if she leaves. I am miserable, you were right but I don’t enjoy it. I try…” Clarke sighed. “I try so hard to not let myself feel, to not be… to not… I just try and it’s not… she’s the best thing to happen to me, she’s the kindest most loving person I’ve ever met or I’ll ever meet, she’s the best person and she just is, you know.” Clarke chewed on her lip. “And I wouldn’t be able to walk away, I’d be stuck in this same place I am now only then it would be full on hell, this now is just tiny piece of it, you know.” Clarke chuckled. “I can’t even imagine going back to this once I’d been there and I’d rather die than to not have it any way and… and I don’t know what I’m trying to say or what I’m doing or anything, I don’t know, I just know this is the safest way to not break my own heart.”

“Oh honey.” Raven said after a while. “I don’t think she’ll let this go on for much longer.”

“I know.” Clarke swallowed her tears. “But I’d rather have her leave now than then.”

“Don’t cry.” Octavia wrapped her arm around Clarke’s neck.

“I won’t.” Clarke closed her eyes and shook her head. “I won’t.” she looked at her friend. “I think I don’t have a right.”

“No babe, you can cry as much as you want.” Raven kissed her cheek.

“But she’s kinda right.” Octavia leaned her head on Clarke’s shoulder. “Clarke I love you but you don’t get to cry over this. I’ll smack you if I see you.” she turned Clarke’s head towards her. “It’s such nonsense. It’s so selfish to think all that. It’s just so selfish. Here you are shutting down even the tiniest hope and possibility of your happily ever after with a woman that adores you through and through. She’d die for you.” Clarke looked away and down at her feet. “I never thought you were such a coward. I mean you are sitting here, saying absolute bullshit, trying to find a good enough reason to continue to be a coward and while you’re doing that you are also treating this girl, you’ve just called the best person in the world, like a hostage. You’ve locked her far away from everyone and you’re not letting her move or breathe or do anything and on top of all that you are slowly breaking her heart in tiny pieces, bit by bit.” Octavia put her hand on Clarke’s knee. “You can’t do it forever, I’m sorry, it just doesn’t work like that. You can’t make that choice for two humans. You need to woman up or you need to tell her you’ll never be what she wants.”

“There’s no need to…” Raven tried to make Octavia stop talking about it, she could see the tears running down Clarke’s face, but Octavia wasn’t letting it go.

“There is Raven. You’ve been silently watching it all happen and you never said a word to her, you just stood there and watched them go in circles and torture each other. You should had been the one to tell her all this.” Octavia looked back at Clarke. “Clarke she won’t leave you. No matter what you do. If you tell her there’s no chance you’d ever be with her she won’t leave. She’ll distance herself and maybe she won’t be there for a while but at the end she won’t leave, she’ll just get closure and she’d be able to move on. If you decide to give her a chance and it doesn’t work, she won’t leave either. She loves you too much to do that. And if it works out you get a fairytale.” Octavia smiled and rubbed Clarke’s shoulder. “But you can’t go on with this and you know that. Think about her for a moment. You have to let her in or let her go.

Clarke wiped away her tears. “I know.”

Chapter Text

“Three in a row, that has never happened before.” Clarke leaned back and finished her glass of wine.

“Looks like all those years of losing weren’t for nothing, you learned something.” Lexa said as she was setting the pieces back to their initial positions. “One more?”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to ruin my streak.” Clarke smiled over her glass.

“Weak.” Lexa poured herself another glass of wine.

“I just know when to stop.” Clarke put her glass on the table next to the board. “I learned when to stop.”

“Nothing good ever came from stopping.”

“Wrong.” Clarke got up and walked out on the balcony with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders.

“It’s freezing, what are you doing?” Lexa yelled after her.

“It’s liberating.”

“It’s getting sick.” Clarke turned around and saw Lexa leaned on the balcony door. “Come back.”

“The air is so…” Clarke took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

“Cold.” Lexa finished her sentence.

Clarke chuckled. “Cuts right through.”

“Clarke come back.” Lexa stepped outside and shivered. “It’s so fucking cold.”

“I thought you liked when it’s cold.” Clarke walked up to her.

“I don’t like when you are sick.” Lexa pulled her inside and closed the door. The sudden motion threw them both off balance. Their bodies bumped into each other and Clarke’s hands ended up on Lexa’s hips. She looked up and saw Lexa closer than she had been in a long time. Clarke’s heart skipped a beat and she could hear Lexa’s was beating too fast.

“I won’t get sick.” Clarke’s voice came out more shaky than she would had liked.

“You never know.” Lexa’s eyes were locked on Clarke’s lips. It made Clarke’s heart skip more than one beat.

“You’ll take care of me.” Clarke smirked.

“Are you sure?” Lexa licked her lips. It made Clarke remember all those nights she spent awake watching Lexa sleep next to her, and mornings she wanted to wake her up with kisses.

“More or less.” Clarke’s heart was racing. “I need to tell you something.”

“What?”

“I… The other day I… I was thinking…. What do you say we…”

But then Lexa’s phone rang and her eyes went back to Clarke’s eyes and Clarke’s hands were off of Lexa’s hips. She took a step back and started to breathe. “Will you answer it?” she asked.

Lexa looked at her phone and frowned. She turned it off and put it back in her pocket. “It can wait.” Clarke felt her heart beat in her throat. “You were saying?” She could see on Lexa’s face that she knew. But then the buzzing of Lexa’s phone filled the room.

“Someone is persistent.” Clarke tried to smile.

“Yeah.” Lexa took out her phone and, this time, she answered it. “Hi Costia.” she quickly looked over at Clarke and then turned her head away.

Clarke turned around and walked into the kitchen. She could deal with a lot of things but in that moment and at that time Costia was not one of them. She poured herself a glass of water and drank it all in one go. She tried hard not to listen to what Lexa was saying but she couldn’t not to hear fragments. Clarke and maybe and no tonight and okay maybe and I’ll call you later. Those were all the words Clarke heard. She drank another glass of water and closed her eyes. Octavia’s words started to loop around her brain. She won’t wait for you forever.

She was right. Clarke knew she was. Octavia put into words what Clarke was too afraid to even think about. It was always too much and never not enough. She never let herself go there, but ever since she heard Octavia say the words she couldn’t stop thinking about it. But was it all just her fault? Wasn’t Lexa the one to blame just as much? It was one half attempt that stood between them.

“I should probably go.” Clarke heard Lexa say. She rolled her eyes and nodded.

“Mhm.”

“What?” Lexa put the phone on the counter in front of her.

“You should hurry. She might call again if you take too long.”

“Do we have a problem here Clarke?”  If Clarke blinked then maybe she would had missed the way Lexa locked her jaw.

“No problem here Lexa.” Clarke raised her brows. “But you shouldn’t let her wait too long.”

“Sometimes you act like a child.” Lexa shook her head.

“I act like a child?”

“Yes.”

“What are you doing with her?” Clarke bit her lip as a way of stopping herself. But that didn’t really work. “Is it to prove a point to me?”

“Prove a point to you?” Lexa laughed. “You think very highly of yourself Clarke.”

“Don’t patronize me Lexa.”

“You’re doing it to yourself.”

“You’re wasting her time.”

“Like you would know.”

“You don’t love her.”

“It’s quite telling that you think that’s what my relationship with Costia is about.”

“And you can look me in the eyes and tell it’s not?”

“Why does it matter?”

“You’re so full of shit.”

“I’m so full of shit?”

“Yes.”

“Let’s not.”

“Do you two talk about me?”

“Why would we?”

“I’ve known you for almost ten years and I’m sorry to be the one to tell you but you are not that good at acting.”

“You would know.”

“Why did you never talk about her?”

“Why did you hate her?”

“She had no right.”

“For what?”

Clarke clenched the edge of the counter so hard her knuckles turned white. “What are you doing with her Lexa?” she bit the inside of her mouth.

“I’m trying…” she paused and searched Clarke’s eyes for her next words. “I’m trying to find peace. Time is slipping out of my hands and I’m trying to grab onto whatever I can.”

“That’s called settling for less. And it’s selfish.”

“Don’t talk to me about being selfish.”

“Do you remember senior prom?” Clarke pulled her fingers through her hair and settled her hand at the back of her head.

“I do.”

“I wanted to go with you.” Clarke turned her head sideways. “It was the first time I learned how it felt to have your heart broken. And I did it to myself. It was so fucking stupid.” she let out a long shaky breath. She looked back at Lexa, her wide open eyes staring back at her. If she was going to do it she was going to do it the right way. “I never hated her. I couldn’t stand the way you looked at her, the way you…”she stopped herself. “It was about you, not about her.”

“And you waited all this time to tell me that?”

“Don’t make me the villain Lexa. You’ve done that plenty these past few years.”

“I’ve never said anything to you.”

“I know. Your silence sometimes speaks more than your words.”

“I can’t fucking believe you.” Lexa shook her head.

“I know what I did and didn’t do and I know what were and are my mistakes. But you act like you are not to blame for anything, as if that one time you tried something absolved you of everything, gave you your ‘put it all on Clarke’ card.

“No, Clarke…”

“I just have to say this and then you can do whatever you want. You’re slipping away from me Lexa.” Clarke started to walk around the counter. “The first time I wanted to kiss you was that day when I took you to that ice-cream place next to Mr. Janey’s place, back home. You had a plain chocolate and you talked about your parents and home and… and I wanted to kiss you.” she stood a couple of feet from Lexa. “But I didn’t, because I was pretty sure you didn’t want it, at least not at that point.”she sighed. “Please tell me I was right.”

“I don’t wanna lie to you.”

“Great.” Clarke laughed and shook her head. “That was the first time. But then I had it planned out. I was going to take you to the prom. We were going to dance and I would tell you how pretty you were and then I’d take you home and we’d sit in your backyard and I would tell you I was in love with you and I’d hold your hand and pray that you’d smile and then I would kiss you.” Clarke couldn’t stop the words flowing out of her even if she wanted to. There was no going back. “But I was too late. You already had a date and I realized what it all meant and what would all of that mean. So I made it look like it wasn’t a big deal. I said hundred no’s and prayed that you’d still say yes. I don’t know… it’s… I don’t know. I wish I was brave till the end.” Clarke sighed. “And then I stopped. I said to myself it was never going to happen and I was going to bury it somewhere no one would ever find it.” Clarke looked down somewhere without Lexa. “But that didn’t really work out.”

“Clarke.” Lexa said softly.

“No. You have to let me finish, please.” Clarke was still looking down. “It was terrible.” she chuckled. “I tried to convince myself it was done and behind me.” she looked up and sighed. Lexa’s eyes never left Clarke’s face. She wanted to do many things, but at the end she stood in place, frozen. “It’s…” Clarke forgot what she wanted to say when her eyes reached Lexa’s. “It’s…” she looked down at her hands, nervously pulling on her shirt.

“It’s okay Clarke.” Lexa whispered.

“I have so much I wanna say and…” she took a deep breath and looked Lexa in the eyes. “It’s been so hard to want everything and to be afraid of nothing.” she swallowed thickly. “I watched you with Costia and I thought if this girl can’t get you to love her forever then how can I even think of doing it.”

Lexa shook her head and took a step closer. “Clarke…”

“I am so scared that you will leave and having a tiny piece of you was better than losing everything.” Clarke closed her eyes and covered her face with her hand. “I’m all over the place. I had a whole speech planned and I’m just saying nonsense.” she bit her lower lip and smiled. “I’m gonna start from the beginning.” she paused. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for making you wait without knowing if you are waiting for nothing or something. I’m sorry for turning a blind eye every time you came closer. I’m sorry for being a coward. I don’t have an excuse and I don’t deserve one.” Clarke let out a shaky breath and smiled. “I’ve been in love with you for eight years. I’m so in love with you.” Clarke’s breathing was fast and heavy. She rubbed her forehead. “It’s so weird to hear it and say it. I’ve never said it out loud” she laughed nervously. “I’m in love with you. And I’ve probably been ever since I met you. For the longest I refused to acknowledge it, I denied it to myself, to everyone. To you. I wanted it to stop. I wanted to be your friend because that was good, that was strong, that was reliable and permanent and it was what I needed. I needed you in my life forever and I needed to be sure it was going to be that way and friendship was the only way I knew how, everything else was in the unknown.” Clarke didn’t want to cry but when she saw a tear rolling down Lexa’s face she knew she was going to. “I can’t think of one thing I don’t love about you. I even love the things I hate because it’s you and I can’t but love you.” Lexa wiped her tears and looked away, for the first time. “And I realize I can’t let you wait anymore. I want you. And I know you probably don’t…” Lexa’s eyes snapped back up and Clarke stopped. “You deserve more and you can be done waiting for something or nothing.” Clarke tried to smile. “It’s your choice now.”



Chapter Text

Clarke’s confession left Lexa standing in silence looking at the girl in front of her, going over and over the words that left Clarke's mouth, words that for the longest were the only thing Lexa wanted to hear, words that were too much and all at once. When Clarke started to speak Lexa expected a lot of things, but this was something she expected the least. Hoped maybe, but never expected. She never thought Clarke had it in her to say it, and if she was being honest she never really was sure Clarke felt any of the things she was saying.

“Jesus Clarke.” Lexa tried her best not to cry anymore. She couldn’t help it before. Seeing and hearing Clarke was too much of everything. But she was standing in front of her now, her eyes beaming with something Lexa had never seen before, waiting for her answer, hoping even.

”I…” Clarke opened her mouth as to say something but quickly stopped herself and put on a shy smile. Lexa sighed and sat down on the chair next to her. All the times she told herself she was imagining things, because it couldn’t had been anything more than her imagination, started to run through her mind. She shook her head as if that was going to stop the thoughts. Lexa looked somewhere far from Clarke and tried to think of all the times when she was offering but Clarke wasn’t accepting. Anything ever. She thought about all the times she wanted but never did, of all the times she thought of trying but never went through with it because why would she ever think Clarke wanted anything more than she had. Friends, that was all they ever were and thinking about being anything more than that hurt her more than anyone else. Clarke always seemed oblivious, always out there never really there. There were times of course when it seemed like Lexa was the only thing that Clarke wanted from life, but those were the times Clarke turned it all to fun and jokes and games. Lexa knew, deep inside she knew Clarke loved her, she knew Clarke felt all the same things she did, she knew Clarke wanted all the same things she did, she knew Clarke dreamed of all things she dreamed off. But it was always hidded, far and deep behind hundred shades of not caring, of just friends, of never more, of no's and never's. “Say something.” Clarke’s whisper reminded her where she was and what had just happened.

“What do you want me to say Clarke?” Lexa asked, still looking somewhere far, out the window, at the city lights. She wondered how many people under those same lights were going through something similar to her. Probably not much. But some maybe. It made her feel less alone. There were people out there going through same shit she had to go through. There was nothing special about it, yet there was nothing not special about it. It was Clarke. And Clarke was everything and nothing at the same time.

“Anything.”

“You just told me I’ve spent the last eight years of my life doing…” Lexa’s finger went up and in circle “...this because, because what? Because I haven’t been clear about what I want?” she brought her hand over her forehead and rubbed her temples.

“What? No, I didn’t say that.” Lexa could see with the corner of her eye Clarke coming closer to her.

“You said it’s my fault as much as it’s yours.” Lexa was still avoiding everything Clarke. She wasn’t sure she would be able to say what she wanted to say to the person who was now willing to give her everything she ever wanted. So she looked away, far away from the eyes she could feel all over her body, eyes she knew.

“Why does it have to be anyone’s fault?” Clarke was standing a feet away from Lexa and Lexa could see Clarke’s hand on the counter, her grip on it so hard her knuckles were starting to turn white. Lexa didn’t know if it was Clarke showing anger, impatience or Clarke trying to stop herself from reaching and touching something she wasn’t sure she was allowed to touch. And Lexa wanted to close her eyes and let Clarke touch whatever she wanted, she wanted to give in, to not think, to just try, to just feel. It was Clarke and Clarke was all that she ever wanted.

“Because it’s not eight days Clarke, it’s eight years. Eight years of me thinking I was just not good enough or not what you wanted in the moment or ever, of me thinking I was crazy for thinking that all that stuff and all those words and all those hugs and all those nights were not the same for you as they were for me. Years of heartbreak..” Lexa finally looked up at the girl standing next to her. “That’s why Clarke.” She needed Clarke too see it all because that was one thing she was still certain of. Clarke could see everything, Clarke was everything. So Lexa gave in. She looked at her and she begged, without words, without saying anything. They were never good with words, they never passed the meaning, the essence of anything with words. It was in the smile that they shared, that was theirs and no one else’s. In the laugh that no else heard. In the touch that carried more than either of them were ever ready to admit. It was never words.

“I…” Clarke pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. She could see a glimpse of things being good somewhere deep down in Lexa’s eyes. Of things working out. Of things being the way they were always supposed to be. “It’s not your fault, I never wanted you to think that and I’m sorry if I made you feel like that but I, I don’t… we were Clarke and Lexa, friends, always and it worked, it worked amazing, and it was what I knew I could do and what I knew could be. But Clarke and Lexa, not friends that… that I didn’t know and you are… you sneaked into every crack of my skin and every pore of my being and I was scared of you, of more than friends of love of everything it meant. What letting all of you into my heart meant. I was scared Lexa, I still am. But I’m more scared of losing you and I don’t want that, I can’t do that, it’s…” Clarke took another step closer to Lexa. If she reached she could touch her. “It’s not your fault. It never was. But it can’t be all on me, can it?” Clarke looked sad and defeated. She didn’t expect Lexa to react like this. She didn’t expect Lexa to be so guarded and off and cold. She hoped for something else but somewhere deep down she knew what she would get, because she knew the person standing opposite her, she knew her better than she knew herself.

“I asked you. I offered and you said no.” Lexa looked away. “Do you know how I felt? Can you imagine how stupid I felt? There I was asking you to be mine and you said no.” Lexa took a deep breath. “No, you didn’t say no, you just looked at me with such… I don’t even know what to call it. I felt like an idiot, thinking of stuff that was apparently not true. And all because what? You were scared? Of what Clarke? Of me loving you?” Lexa looked back at Clarke. “Because I’ve been doing that for a very long time.” Clarke’s eyes were swimming in tears and she was doing everything she could to stop them from running down her face. “Don’t cry.” Lexa got up from her chair and stood in front of Clarke.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say to you or how to explain it or why, I don’t have anything. I’m just sorry for hurting you.”

“C’mon Clarke, don’t cry please.” Lexa put her hand on Clarke’s cheek and ran her thumb under Clarke’s eyes.

“I’m trying. I promise.”

“Try harder.” Lexa wiped away the tears from under Clarke’s eyes.

“I was scared. I still am. You deserve someone who’s not scared and the person that keeps calling you is not scared and I don’t want you to pick her because I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t pretend I’m okay with you being with other people, I can’t pretend I’m okay with her, with you being with her, I’m not okay with you being happy with anyone who’s not me, at least not now, not… not now. And it’s okay if you want that, that’s okay, I just don’t…” Clarke sighed and lowered her head. Lexa’s hand was no longer on her cheek, it went down on the side of her neck.

“Clarke you need to breathe and… just breathe.”

“That’s easy to say.”

“I know how you feel.” Lexa squeezed Clarke’s neck.

“Do you?”

“I do, I just never had a chance to get to the rambling part.”

“I’m sorry but that phone keeps reminding me of what I’m not and I keep going in circles.” Clarke looked up. “She’s perfect.”

“She left me a long time ago and I let her and she knows not much has changed.” Lexa shook her head. “All you had to do was ask me. You never asked Clarke.” she chuckled. “Do you know that you’ve never asked why she left?”

“I know.”

“Why haven't you?”

“I was scared.”

“You were scared? And what happens if we get together? Will you be scared of some invisible monster?”

“I don’t know. Honestly. I know that I won’t go a day more without telling you how I feel. No matter how this ends, I can’t walk around smiling when I don’t feel like smiling and saying stuff I don’t want while not saying the stuff I wanna say. But I don’t know, I can’t promise you anything but truth because I don’t want to lie and pretend again, I think we are past that. And the truth is that I will, probably, sometimes be scared of invisible monsters.”

“We’re not kids anymore Clarke.”

“What do you want me to say Lexa? You don’t think I know that?” she looked up and saw green eyes staring back at her. So she picked her next words carefully. “I can’t change the past. I can’t change what I did and didn’t do. I can say I’m sorry because I am and I can say I’ll never forgive myself because I won’t and I will always regret not saying something, I hate myself for letting you go that night, for not going with you, after you, for everything I could had done but was too afraid to do.” Clarke leaned her head into Lexa’s hand. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m also scared. I’m scared of going all in when I know you can pull back at any time. It took you this long… It’s not about wanting it anymore.”

“I can’t give you anything other than a promise and I know that doesn’t mean much now, after all I’ve said, but it has to mean something. I’ve been there for almost a decade. I’m me, I’m still the same me. I’m still Clarke.”

“That’s not in question. I know you are you and I know what you are, but how can I know you won’t… my feelings for you were never in question, but I can’t go head first into this.”

“Then don’t. I’m not asking you to do that, I’d never ask you to do that. Let’s go slow. Let’s do it the slowest way possible.” Clarke put her hands over Lexa’s wrist before kissing the back of her hand.. “Make me earn it.”

“Make you earn it?” Lexa asked.

“Yeah. Make me earn it. Let me show you.”

“Okay. Show me.”

Chapter Text

“Will you please calm the fuck down?” Raven was watching her friend run from the bathroom every couple of minutes in a different outfit, looking herself in the mirror and then taking off the clothes she just put on and picking a new one to try. “It doesn’t matter what you wear. Just relax please.”

“Everything needs to be perfect.”

“The color of your jeans won’t make the difference. Trust me.”

“Should I wear a dress?” Clarke started to flip through all the dresses she had hanged in her closet.

Raven got up, more than annoyed, pulled Clarke from the closet and closed it. “Do you plan to have sex with her tonight?”

“What?” Clarke’s eyes went wide in surprise, slight shock and a hint of hope.

“Do you plan to have sex tonight?”

“No it’s…” Clarke bit her lip and looked sideways, then shook her head. “No.”

“Then put on some shirt and jeans and stop freaking out about stupid things. She won’t care what you have on. She saw every version of you with every piece of clothing you have. It’s Lexa. Relax.”

“It’s Lexa yes. I can’t be relaxed.”

“Clarke.” Raven took her friend’s hands and squeezed lightly. “I know you are nervous. I can’t even imagine how you must feel but you need to calm down. It’s gonna be okay. Tell me what you’re going to do.”

“I already told you.”

“I know but it will make you feel less whatever it is that’s bothering you. C’mon. Walk me through it.” Raven smiled.

Clarke sighed. “First we’ll go see the new Star Wars. She likes that.”

“And you like watching movies with her, ever since way back, right?”

“Yes, she gets so excited, it’s the cutest thing in the world. And I’m hoping that calms my nerves.”

“She’s gonna love it.” Raven put a loose strand of blonde hair behind Clarke’s ear.

“I hope so.”

“She will. And what after that?”

“Dinner at that Italian place she’s been talking about non stop.”

“Movie and food. And you. All her favs in one place.” Raven smiled widely. Clarke was starting to shake less and breathe more. “And to finish off the night?”

“Walk around?”

“Romantic stroll through the city.”

“I guess so.” Clarke laughed nervously.

“You need to hold her hand.”

Clarke quickly shook her head. “No.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s not... I don’t…”

“You need to lead the way. And you need to do and say everything you want. You can’t half do it, okay?”

“I know. It’s just I don’t know if she wants that yet.”

“Then you ask her. You tell her what you want and ask her if that’s okay.”

“Okay.”

“Black jeans and blue shirt. Show off all your best features.” Raven smirked. “Make her forget about waiting and time.”

“Okay.” Clarke chuckled.


“I’m so excited. Finally after years of being dumb idiots. I can’t believe.” Anya was the first person Lexa called after everything that happened between her and Clarke. She was excited and happy to say the least. Then she was mad at Clarke. Then excited again.

“I’m nervous.” Lexa sighed into the phone.

“Same.”

“Why are you nervous?” Lexa stood in front of a mirror, it was an hour before her date with Clarke.

“Because I love Clarke and I’d be sad to kill her if she fucks this up.” Lexa laughed and walked to her bed. “Why are you nervous?”

“Because I’m going on a date with Clarke.” Lexa laid back on the bed and stretched out.

“You’ve been on like a million dates with Clarke. You just never called it that.”

“Yeah but this one is a date. A real one.”

“I still think it’s stupid you haven’t skipped all that shit.”

“You know it’s not stupid.”

“You’ve been dating for years, you just never had sex.”

“Anya.”

“I’m kidding, trying to make you think about something else other than how scary it is to go on a date with someone you’ve been in love for years.”

“Yeah, so helpful.”  

“I know. Where are you going? What are you doing?”

“I don’t know. She wouldn’t tell me.”

“What are you hoping for? Netflix and chill?”

Lexa laughed. “I don’t think there’s going to be any chilling.”

“Why do you do that to yourself?”

“What would be the point of going slow if we did that?”

“You’ve barely managed to keep your hands to yourself while you played your friendship games how do you manage to do it now when there’s no more hiding?”

“I’m an adult and some of us can keep it in their pants for longer than five minutes.”

“Yeah yeah, I’ll ask you about keeping it in your pants after this date of yours.”

“I can’t wait.”

“What are you going to wear?”

“Jeans and red button up shirt.”

“Nice. And why are you still on the phone with me instead of getting ready?”

“Because I already am ready.”

“You really are nervous.” Anya chuckled on the other side of the line.

“Really am.”

“It’s going to be okay. More than okay. It will be great. You’ll have fun and everything will be great. Just relax and go with the flow.”

“I know.” Lexa got up from the bed. She straightened her shirt and took a deep breath. “It’s gonna be better once she’s here.”

“That’s the spirit.”

“I have to go now.”

“Just remember to have fun.”

“Will do.”

“And call me after it.”

“I will.” Lexa smiled. “Bye.”

“Good luck.”


Clarke was fifteen minutes late and Lexa was seconds away from pacing up and down her apartment when she heard a knock on the door.

“I’m so sorry.” Clarke started to talk as soon as the door opened. “I had to pick these up.” she lifted her hand and a bouquet of roses in it. “Hi.” she smiled over them. “Cliche, I know.” she pulled the flowers to the side. “But I wanted to do it so I did it.”

“I love it.” Lexa took the flowers and went into the kitchen to put them in the water. Clarke followed her inside.

“You look great.” Clarke said while Lexa was busy with flowers.

“I like all that.” Lexa’s finger went up and down in Clarke’s direction.

“I know.” Clarke walked up to Lexa, trying to hide her smile. “You’re even more nervous than I am.” she whispered.

“Can you blame me?”

“Not really.” Clarke fixed Lexa’s collar and then quickly put her hands behind her back. “Sorry. Habit.”

“It’s okay.” Lexa smiled.

“We should go or we’ll be late.”

Lexa nodded. “Lead the way.”

They went out and started to walk. It was still some time till the movie so Clarke decided they can walk there thinking fresh air would do good for both of their nerves. She expected Lexa to be less of a mess than she was, but when she got to her place she realized they both had it bad.

“Is this supposed to be weird or is it me?” Clarke said after a long couple of minutes when neither of them said anything.

“There’s no reason but here we are.” Lexa chuckled.

“It’s because I don’t know how to act.”

“Let’s try normal.” They briefly looked at each other and smiled.

“Weirdly that’s a lot easier when you’re looking at me.”

“I know.”

“We’re here.” Clarke stopped in front of the theater.

“Movies?” Lexa looked up.

“Star Wars.”

“Yes please.” Lexa grinned.

Little under three hours after they were back on the street both feeling a lot less nervous and a lot more like themselves again.

“That was amazing. So amazing.” Lexa couldn’t hide her excitement.

“I agree.”

“Oh please, half of the time you weren’t even looking at the screen. Disgrace.” Lexa shook her head still smiling.

“I had something better to look at.” Clarke licked her lips.

“Maybe you should had done something instead of just stare.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

“I don’t know Clarke, you tell me.” There was a special kind of spark in Lexa’s eyes which Clarke missed because her eyes were busy staring at the way Lexa’s lips moved.

“The night is still young.” Clarke smiled. “But the movie was also great. I’m glad you liked it.”

“Oh, so you suddenly care about Star Wars?”

“I’ve always cared.”

“This might be out first date but I still know what you do and don’t care about.”

“People change Lexa.”

“Sure.” Lexa giggled. “Where to next?” she started to walk down the street.

“What makes you think there’s more?” Clarke said when she caught up with her.

“We’ve just been over this.” Lexa sighed, loud and dramatic.

Clarke laughed. “Just walk.”

“How far? Because I’m freezing.”

“Couple of blocks.

“That gives me enough time to ask you something.”

“Okay?”

“Don’t worry. It’s nothing scary.”

“Will you ask already?”

“How do you manage to be so beautiful at all times?”Lexa continued to look straight ahead and hiding her smile under the jacket.

“Shut up.” Clarke smiled broadly.

“I’m serious. It must be hard.”

“It’s a full time job.”

“It pays off.” she gave Clarke the once-over.

“Just…” the blonde smiled playfully “walk.”

“On it.” Lexa turned her head and looked ahead but she stopped after a few steps. “Clarke Griffin.” she said when she saw the restaurant sign. “Don’t tell me what I’m thinking is true.”

“That depends on what you’re thinking.” Clarke walked pass her and to the restaurant door. She opened it and waited for Lexa.

“How?”

“I know people who know people.” Clarke whispered as Lexa pass her and inside the restaurant.

“Clarke I’m underdressed.” Lexa whispered back.

“You’re not.” Clarke tried not to laugh. Once they were inside Lexa looked around, a smile never leaving her face. She was still smiling when they were shown to their table. “You are so cute.”

“I’ve wanted to come here for weeks. Months maybe.”

“I know. That’s why we’re here.”

Soon after they were given the menus and Lexa wanted to try everything but eventually settled for the selected few.

“It looks even better than on the photos.” she said when the waiter took their order. “Doesn’t it?” she looked around. It was a dimly lit room with ten or so tables with a candle on each.

“It’s cozy.” Clarke’s eyes never left Lexa.  

“You’re doing it again.” Lexa looked back at her.

“What?”

“Not looking at the pretty things around you.”

“No need when I have one in front of me.”

“I see you’re not nervous anymore.” Lexa raised her brows.

“Just wait till I get a couple more of these inside me.” Clarke lifted up her glass. “To… the big things in front of us.”

Lexa leaned her glass on Clarke’s. “To new beginnings.”

“So.” Clarke put her hands on the table and leaned slightly on them. “How am I doing?”

“Not bad.”

“You sound so impressed.”

“I am, really. I didn’t expect all this.”

“What did you expect?”

“Something with a lot of people and loud so we don’t have to talk a lot.”

Clarke laughed. “Raven told me to take you somewhere dancing and to get it over with. That’s gonna be the second date.”

“Oh you think you’ll get another one?”

“I think I’m on the right track.”

“You might be.”

Clarke wondered how far is not far enough and how would Lexa’s hand feel under her own. Clarke realized she spent the entire night without touching her. She wanted it desperately. She wanted to calm her heart the way she did everything else. But words can take you only that far. Then the waiter came and food with him. Lexa’s hand was gone and so was Clarke’s moment.


After the dinner Clarke wanted to take the long way back, stealing every second she could. She thought that more time would give her a chance to find all the courage she lost somewhere along the way. But when they got close to Lexa’s apartment she knew she was running out of time and she pulled Lexa to the other side and onto the pier not far from her place.

They spent some time looking at the sea in front of them, neither of them saying anything and both of them waiting for Clarke to say something. But then Lexa lost her patience.

“That was probably the best meal of my life.”

“It was good, wasn’t it?”

“Amazing.” Lexa hooked her hand under Clarke’s. “Clarke.” she pretended to be serious.

“Yes?” Clarke tried to act unaffected by Lexa’s closeness.

“You’ve been so far from me the entire night.” Lexa leaned and whispered in Clarke’s ear. “Why’s that?”

“I know how you are about first dates.”

“But you also know how I’m about you.” Lexa dragged her hand down Clarke’s forearm and intertwined their fingers.

“How’s that?”

“Crazy.” Lexa stepped behind Clarke and pulled her hand to turn her around.

“I promised you space.” Clarke’s gaze went from Lexa’s eyes to her lips and back to her eyes.

“You promised to say and do everything.”

“I wanted perfect.”

“Look around. Can it be more perfect?” Lexa took Clarke’s other hand and pulled them behind her back. Their chests were pressed together and Lexa brushed her nose over Clarke’s.

“I’m gonna kiss you now.”

“It’s about time.”

When Clarke’s lips touched Lexa’s everything else stopped existing.

And when Lexa’s tongue slid against hers, Clarke forgot where she was.

And when Lexa moaned after the blonde nibbled and sucked on her lower lip, Clarke forgot her name.

Lexa was the first one to pull back, breathing heavy, her hands on both sides of Clarke’s neck. Clarke leaned and hovered her mouth over Lexa’s.

“Clarke.” Lexa’s voice was low and shaky.

“I know.” Clarke kissed the corner of Lexa’s mouth. “Just one more. Please.”

“Just one.”


Chapter Text

“You kissed her?”

“Yes.”

“Yes and?” Raven leaned closer to Clarke over the table. “How was it? Give me more than a word Clarke. You’ve been wanting to do that for like a hundred years. Yes is not good enough.”

“It was…” Clarke smiled and thought about the previous night when Lexa had her pressed against the lamppost in front of Lexa’s building. She thought about a kiss that turned into five more kisses. She thought about how much trouble she had detaching herself from Lexa and staying away from her, watching her go away and waiting to see her turn on the lights in her apartment “... amazing.”

“Details please. What did you do? Where did you go?”

“I told you. We went to see Star Wars, then we went to get dinner and then we walked back to her place, stopped at the pier and I kissed her.”

“You are underselling it Clarke. You kissed her.” Raven emphasized every word of her last sentence.

“Multiple times.”

Raven shook her head. “But no sex?”

“No.” Clarke sighed before taking a sip of her coffee.

“You sound devastated.”

“Like you wouldn’t be.” she put the cup down and turned on her phone to see if she had any unread messages.

“What? You are waiting for her to call first?”

“No. She’s not in town.” Clarke’s finger hovered over Lexa name. She went from wanting to call her to text her to not wanting to look too desperate in the span of a couple of seconds. Last time they talked was earlier that day before Lexa boarded her plane. “She’s gone for a couple of days. Work.”

“Oh, now I understand.” Raven grinned.

“What?”

“Why you’re so gloomy after arguably the best night of your life. You’ll survive without her, it won’t be the first time. But I get it. Now you have more things to miss. Must be hard to be Clarke Griffin.”

“Please shut up, you can do whatever you want with you girlfriend and I’m…” Clarke put her phone down. “I’m currently nowhere.”

“Oh please Clarke no. You don’t get to play the blame game. You take what she gives and you need to be happy with it, whatever it is and however small it might be.”

“I know but I can want more, can’t I?”

“You can. But you don’t get to say it to anyone ever especially not to Lexa.”

“You’re not Lexa.”

“I thank God for that. Daily.” Clarke’s phone beeped and she immediately picked it up. “Chill. Jesus.”

 

Lexa

13:44

Just checked in the hotel. I’m so tired.

 

Clarke’s face lit up. “What did she say?”

“She’s in the hotel.” Clarke said as she typed on her phone.

Clarke

13:45

Take a nap?

 

Lexa

13:45

I don’t really have time for that. I have a meeting in 30 minutes.

 

Clarke

13:46

I’m sorry :(

 

“What’s wrong?” Raven asked.

“Hm?” Clarke never looked up from her phone.

“Your face went from shining like a sun to being half dead.”

“She’s tired.” Clarke frowned.

 

Clarke

13:47

Will it last long?

 

Lexa

13:47

2-3 hours. I don’t really know.

 

Clarke

13:48

Hope it’s not too long.

You are free after it?

 

Lexa

13:48

Till dinner. Then I have a less formal one.

How are you?

 

Clarke

13:49

Okayish

I’m with Raven

 

Lexa

13:49

Something wrong or?

 

“I love how I’m instantly irrelevant.” Raven pouted on the other side of the table.

“You know you are not. Don’t be a brat.”

“It looks like I am.”

“You are not. I just wanna…” Clarke looked down at her phone and Lexa’s last message. “I just want…”

“You wanna spend time with her. It’s okay to want that Clarke and it’s okay to say it. I’m kidding. Call her.” Raven smiled softly.

 

Clarke

13:52

Can I call you?

 

Not even 10 seconds later Clarke’s phone rang.

“Hi.” she almost whispered.

“Hi Clarke.” familiar voice on the other side of the line.

“Hi.”

“You’ve already said that.” Lexa laughed.

“Yeah. Sorry.” Raven rolled her eyes. “It’s nice to hear your voice.”

“I know right.”

“You’re so fucking whipped.” Raven whispered to her friend.

“Shut up.” Clarke said back to her.

“I didn’t say anything.” Lexa’s confused voice came through the phone.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t talking to you.  Raven is teasing me.” Clarke paused. “Tell me about the meeting.” she wanted to listen to Lexa’s voice, her words were less important. For the next couple of minutes she listened to the sound of Lexa’s voice, she imagined Lexa sitting in front of her talking, her hands all over the place as she’s trying to explain it all to Clarke. She smiled. “I miss you.”  she said when Lexa was done talking.

“It’s just a few days.”

“I know. But I still do.”

“I had a dream about you on the ride over.”

“Yeah? What was it about?”

“We were in my bed…”

“Oh.” Clarke smirked,

“Not that kind of a dream Clarke.”

“Too bad.”

“It was nice.”

“It was never like this. Before I mean.”

“I know. But I’ll be back soon.”

“I have to go. Raven is being intolerable.”

Lexa chuckled. “I’ll call you tonight.”

“Okay. Bye.”

“Bye Clarke.”

“No I love yous?” Raven poked again.

“Ha so funny.”

“I’m half serious.”

“No I love yous.” Clarke put her phone down and thought back to a time when she threw I love yous in Lexa’s direction every other second. It seemed like a lifetime ago.


Clarke stayed up later than she thought she would, but Lexa promised. Clarke spent the day trying to stay away from her phone, to not seem too desperate, to have at least a resemblance of self restriction. When in reality all she wanted to do all day was talk to Lexa. Or text Lexa. Random things, not so random things, everything she saw and heard and read. She wanted Lexa to know it but at the same time she didn’t want to overwhelm Lexa. So Clarke did nothing but wait and wait and wait.

 

Lexa

23:12

This was exhausting.

 

Clarke

23:15

And it’s only the first day

 

Lexa

23:16

Save me

 

Clarke

23:17

Be careful what you wish for :p

 

“Hello?” Clarke answered her phone, confused as to why Lexa was calling her.

“I’m always careful with my wishes.”

“Hmmm.” Clarke smiled to an empty room.

“I was a bit disappointed when I saw zero missed calls and zero texts. I thought you have already forgot about me.”

“You said you’d call when you could and I didn’t want to bother you.” Clarke hid under the covers. “And you are not that easy to forget.”

“Unforgettable.”

“You really are.”

Lexa laughed and Clarke got out from under the covers. She realized how stupid it was to not send Lexa anything.

“I thought about doing it a lot”

“Forgetting me?”

“No.” Clarke rolled her eyes. “Texting you.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I didn’t know…” Clarke bit her lip. “I didn’t want to bother you. It was easier I guess. I knew I wouldn’t get an answer.”

“Clarke, Clarke, what did we say?”

“I know, I know, but I’m telling you now soooo progress?”

“Progress.” Lexa chuckled. “You can’t believe how good it is to hear your voice.”

“I’d say something but I would sound too desperate.”

“Please do.”

Clarke giggled and for a split second considered and almost said just how desperate she was. How that phone call was the only thing she looked forward and the only thing that kept her awake that long. “How was your day?”

Clarke heard Lexa sigh and take a deep breath before answering. “It was boring. He keeps saying nothing and doing even less and I’m starting to lose my patience. I had to sit through what seemed like endless hours of literally nothing. I just wish he would say yes or no and let us leave in peace. But no he has to make us suffer to hear whatever answer he already has because let’s be real he made up his mind and nothing we say or do these couple of days could change that.” Clarke turned on her side and smiled into her pillow. She wished Lexa was next to her so she could be the last thing Clarke hears and sees before she falls asleep. “But then later when we went for dinner Lily came so it was a bit less depressing but still.”

“Oh I bet.”

“What?”

“That she made the night less boring for you.”

Lily was someone who had a huge crush on Lexa and someone who Clarke didn’t really like. It was stupid, Clarke knew it, but the girl was persistent and trying really hard and Clarke wasn’t a fan. She knew nothing would ever happen but she just couldn’t help herself.

“She asked me to go out with her and a couple of her friends.”

“Mhm and why are you not out?”

“I wasn’t feeling it.”

“I can see right through you, you know?”

“I can’t say I follow.”

“You’re trying to make me jealous.”

“Trying? I thought you turned into a ball of rage as soon as I mentioned her.”

“Maybe before but not anymore.”

“Oh yeah?”

“I know you don’t kiss two women at the same time.”

“I’m kissing zero women right now.”

“And whose fault is that?”

“My boss’s.”

“Way to kill the mood.”

“It’s because you need to go sleep.”

“Maybe.” Clarke yawned.

“Go sleep Clarke. I’ll be here tomorrow.”

“You better.” she murmured.

“I promise.”

“Okay. I’ll go sleep then.”

“Goodnight Clarke. Sweet dreams.”

“Night Lexa.”


“Clarke your misery will make me miserable.”

“I know.” Clarke leaned her head on Octavia’s shoulder.

“Then stop it.”

“I would if I could.”

“It’s been only two days.”

“I can’t help it.”

“Talk to her. Chances are she feels the same way.”

“You think?”

“What? That you should talk to her? Yeah, that’s what grownups do.”

“Clarke.” Octavia brought her hand over her face. “You are everything to her. What do you think?” she looked at Clarke and frowned. “I love you but I swear to God you are sometimes too stupid.”

“I just don’t know if…”

“If what? If you can tell her that you miss her so much that you’re making it really difficult for me to watch a movie because you keep sighing? I think she’d be okay with knowing. Just because you need to suck it up and suffer through some shit, doesn't mean she wants you to not tell her what that shit is.”

“Probably.” Clarke leaned her head back and stared at the ceiling.

“Just call her and tell her you miss her.” Octavia got up and threw Clarke’s phone on her lap. “I’m gonna go now because nothing else has any point anymore. I’ll call you tomorrow. Call her.” she said once more before leaving.

 

Clarke

20:19

Can I call you?

 

“You keep doing this to me, it’s frustrating.” Clarke sighed when she answered her phone.

“You keep sending me that same thing, it’s giving me anxiety.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know if you were free.”

“I’m kidding. I just got back to hotel and was about to call you.”

“I miss you.” Clarke blurted out.

The only thing she heard on the other side of the line was Lexa’s breathing. Slow and steady. “I miss you too.”

“No I really miss you. I can’t believe how much. It’s so stupid and it was never like this before, I don’t know what’s going on. I just miss you.”

“You’re cute.”

“It’s not funny. Or cute. It’s terrible. I’m miserable.”

“Aw you poor thing.”

“Lexa.”

“I’m sorry.” Lexa chuckled. “I’m just happy I’m not alone in my misery. Because I kinda, really, terribly miss you too.”

“It’s awful.”

Lexa laughed, again. “I know.”

“Make it stop.”

“Tomorrow.”

“Can’t come soon enough.”

“Less than 24 hours.”

“Too long.”

“I can’t wait.”

“I’ll count down the hours.”

“You better.”

They spent the next hour laughing at the random movie they found. Both of them beyond happy because they knew tomorrow was just a night away.


Chapter Text

The snow had been falling all day and Clarke watched it from the safety and warmth of her apartment. It was the type of the day everyone and no one looked forward to, when it seemed like the world stopped moving and time stopped getting away from everyone. Clarke loved it. Even though it was only for a couple of hours at best, she enjoyed every second of it.

Clarke woke up early and spent most of the day sitting by the window, watching the snow fall down, thinking of all the times when she was younger and she wished it never stopped and hoping it would stop soon. She made plans with Lexa and she knew Lexa would cancel them if it didn’t stop. There was no chance she’d go out in that type of the weather, not even for Clarke.

But luckily, at some point during the day, it stopped and people started to appear on the streets and the world started to spin again.The snow had set down and the sun got up high, shining and making everything seem brighter and warmer.

Clarke was sitting in her apartment up high on tenth floor, by the window with a warm cup of tea and smiling to no one and everyone.  She was counting down the minutes till the time she’d hear Lexa knock on her door. It had been four long days since she last saw her, the longest four days of Clarke life.

Clarke got up, went to kitchen and washed the now empty mug. It was supposed to be their second date that night. Second official. Clarke wanted to go out. It was easier and safer in more ways than one. There was no unnecessary pressure she would put on herself, no unnecessary thoughts she’d have stuck in her head. It’d be only Lexa and her and dozens of other people.

“I don’t need grand gestures Clarke.” Lexa had said. “I wanna spend time with you.” She wanted to stay in, watch movies and eat junk food. So Clarke gave in and ordered pizza and started to count down the minutes.

Not too long after 6 Clarke heard a knock. She took a deep breath and opened the door.

“Hi.” she breathed out in relief when she saw Lexa standing in front of her, smiling, with a box of chocolate in her hand.

“Hi.” Lexa grinned.

“Come inside.” Clarke stepped back and left room for Lexa to walk by her but the other girl had something else on her mind.

“I only get a hi?” Lexa asked grinning. She walked up to Clarke, leaving enough room for Clarke to make the last step.

Clarke bit her lip and took the chocolate out of Lexa’s hand. “I don’t know what’s appropriate.”

Lexa laughed and shook her head. “I’d say anything you want.”

“I wanna kiss you.” Clarke’s eyes went from Lexa’s eyes to her mouth and then back up.

“Then I think you should do it.” Lexa smiled.

Clarke put her hand on the side of Lexa’s neck and kissed her softly. “I missed you.” she whispered against Lexa’s mouth.

“I missed you too.”

Clarke got a smile and a kiss on the cheek. “I should probably close the door.”

“Probably.” Lexa continued to place kisses on Clarke’s cheek, from her nose to her ear.

“Probably.” Clarke said but just closed her eyes and stayed still.

“Yes.” Lexa finally stepped back, smiled and walked off to the other side of the apartment. The blonde took a deep breath in, then out, and closed the door. “Is it cold?” Clarke turned around and saw Lexa take a slice of pizza.

“It got here a couple of minutes before you so it shouldn’t be.”

“It’s not.” Lexa said between bites.

“You should probably take off that coat.” Clarke said as she took a slice for herself and sat on the couch next to Lexa.

“I just got here and you are already trying to get me out of my clothes.”

“What?” Clarke’s cheeks turned red. “I’m not. I was just saying. It’s hot. You don’t...”

“I’m kidding Clarke.” Lexa’s chuckle cut off Clarke’s rambling. Clarke stuffed her mouth with pizza and tried to hide the shakiness of her voice. “You should’ve seen your face.” Lexa laughed.

“Well I…” Clarke felt her heart beat in her throat. “It’s…” she chewed on her lip. “It’s too early for that.”

“I don’t think it’s ever too early for that.” Lexa took off her coat.

“What do you wanna watch?” Clarke quickly changed the subject.

“Something funny.” Lexa smelled good, familiar. Clarke knew it was her hair. It reminded her of summers they spent laying on the beach, counting stars and laughing at all the stupid jokes Clarke knew. She never told Lexa that she used to spend hours searching for and learning new ones just so she could make Lexa laugh.

There was an unusually cold July day when laying in Clarke’s backyard won over freezing at  the beach. They were under a blanket and Lexa was telling stories about her parents, about having them and losing them. It was the first and only time she talked about them in that way and the only time Clarke asked her about them. Clarke watched the way Lexa’s mouth moved, the way she smiled, the sparkle in her eyes and the sadness in her voice. She kissed her cheeks and wiped her tears and she fell asleep with that same smell in her nose. “Groundhog day.” Lexa’s voice brought her from way way back to the present.

“Groundhog day is funny?” Clarke leaned back and looked at Lexa.

“It sure isn’t sad.”

“Whatever you want.” Clarke chuckled. She grabbed the remote and after a couple of seconds she had the movie on TV. “Ready?” she looked over at Lexa.

“Whenever you are.” Lexa smiled.

Clarke started the movie and leaned back on the couch. She tried her best to focus on the movie. She really did. But she still spent the first half of the movie doing everything except watching it. She was mostly trying to not stare too much at Lexa. She’d try to focus on the TV but then get distracted with Lexa’s laugh or the comment she made. Clarke would turn her head from TV and to Lexa’s face. She’d watch the wrinkles around her eyes when she smiled, the way the corner of her mouth turned up to form a smile. Then, after Lexa’s eyes would land on hers, she’d snap out of her daydreaming and turn her head back on the TV.

But then, sometime near the end of the movie, Clarke looked down at Lexa’s hand resting on the couch between them, impossibly close to Clarke’s leg but still not close enough. She closed her eyes and put her hand over Lexa’s. Her heart was beating like crazy and all because she was holding Lexa’s hand, something that she considered normal just a couple of weeks ago.

Lexa turned her hand over and intertwined their fingers.

“Your hand is cold.”

“And yours is burning like fire.”

“Is that a problem?” Clarke pulled their hands in her lap and put her other hand over Lexa’s.

“Never was.” Lexa scooted closer, closing the distance between them. “Now watch the movie.”

Clarke spent the rest of the movie smiling.


“Now what?” Lexa asked as the credits started to roll.

“I don’t know. I’m good like this.” Clarke had her head on Lexa’s shoulder and her hand in Lexa’s.

“Are you now?” Lexa smiled.

“Mhm.”

“I don’t mind it either.”

“I know.”

“You do?”

“Your hand is between my legs, what’s there to mind?”

“The fact that you are fully clothed.” she detached her hand from Clarke’s and put her head where her hand was.

“You look tired.” Clarke smiled down at her.

“Thank you.”

“We could have done this tomorrow. You should have gone home to sleep.”

“Would you prefer that?”

Clarke put her hand in Lexa’s hair and pulled her fingers through it.

“No.” she bit her lip. “But maybe that’d be better for you.”

“There’s not a lot of things in this world that would be better for me than this.”

“But there are some?” Clarke raised her brows.

“And they all involve you.” Lexa smiled.

“I’m kinda glad you are here and not asleep in your bed.”

“Are you?”

“I am. I really missed you.”

“So you say.”

“I did.”

“Yeah?”

“Like crazy.” Clarke looked at the way Lexa’s face lit up, and at the smile that came with it. “You’re so pretty.”

“Sweet talker.” Lexa was not usually the one to blush, but her cheeks turned more pink with every second Clarke’s eyes were looking at her.

“I’m serious.” Clarke dragged her thumb over Lexa’s forehead. “It was never the right time to tell you that but you are so so so beautiful. Everything on you and in you and around you.”

“You’re gonna make me blush.”

“I already have.” Clarke smirked.

“Have you now?” Lexa sat up and turned sideways so she was facing Clarke.

“All this pink…” Clarke ran her thumb over Lexa’s cheek. “It suits you.”

“Shut up.”

“Make me.”

As soon as the words left her mouth, Clarke felt Lexa’s lips on her own. “Did the trick.”

But the Clarke kissed her. It was tongue and teeth and nothing like the first one. She wrapped her left hand around Lexa’s neck and put the other on Lexa’s hip. Needing and wanting more, like her life depended on it.

Lexa pulled back slightly. “You are making this really hard.” she whispered.

“What?”

“Me keeping some kind of a distance from you.”

“Do you want me to make it easier?” Clarke untangled her hand from Lexa’s hair, slight panic in her eyes. “I just thought…”

“I don’t.” Lexa shook her head. “Why do you run a mile away from me every time I say something like that? WIll it always be like that?”

“I don’t.” Clarke frowned.

“You kinda do.”

“I don’t think so.”

“You stopped everything you were doing, you even stopped breathing, just because I made a stupid comment.”

Clarke looked down at her hands, she could still feel the softness of Lexa’s hair and her lips were still tingling from the kiss. “I’m sorry.” she sighed.

“You don’t have to apologize.”

“I feel like I do.”

“It would be better if you just stopped doing it.”

“I don’t… it’s hard.”

Lexa sighed. “We’ve been over this Clarke.”

“I know.”

“I can’t reassure you every second of every minute we spend together.”

“I’m not expecting that.”

“But you keep doing the same thing over and over again.”

“I just want you but I don’t know if I can touch you the way I want and do everything I wanna do and then I panic for no reason and ruin everything.”

“I understand.” Lexa took Clarke’s hand in her own. “But you also need to understand that you can’t keep doing that. This thing, whatever it is or it will be, it won’t last if you keep going back every time I come closer.”

“I wanna spend my days and nights kissing you.”

“Those are just words.”

“They are.”

“What would you do if you were on a second date with someone you just met?”

“Probably all over them.”

“That gives you the answer.”

“But it’s…”

“What? Weird?”

“No.” Clarke was quick to respond. “It’s not weird. At all. Just strange. I guess. It’s different.”

“It’s supposed to be.” Lexa leaned back on the couch and stared at the ceiling. “We keep going over and over and over again, doing the same thing.”

“Don’t give up, please.” the same panic from before was eating Clarke from the inside.

“I don’t want to.”

“We’re talking about it. Progress.” Clarke earned a chuckle.

“It is.” Lexa offered a small smile.

“This is not how I imagined this day to go.” Clarke put her head next to Lexa’s.

“You thought you’d be all over me?”

“Something like that.”

“You should have done that.”

“I know.”

“Clarke?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t run.”

“I won’t.”

Chapter Text

“So.”

“So.” Lexa’s eyes were glued to the book in front of her but her mind was elsewhere. She was thinking about her date with Clarke from the day before. She spent almost all night tossing and turning and going over the words she said and things she did, things Clarke didn’t do and things she saw on her face. It was obvious Clarke was having a harder time than she was admitting it and Lexa had trouble understanding why.

“When you said you wanted to chill I didn’t think it was going to be literally just that.” Lexa was with Anya. After her sleepless night, Lexa called her sister hoping that would be a good enough distraction.

“What did you think?” But that wasn’t the case. Anya was unusually quiet and Lexa had shutting off the part of her brain that was the loudest. She flipped the page without reading a word from it.

“I thought you’d tell me how are things going with Clarke.” Lexa could hear the annoyance in Anya’s voice. And Lexa knew she had every right to be annoyed. It was the first time in her life that she didn’t share. She kept Clarke and things that were happening all to herself and Anya let her.

“Why?”

“Why what?” Lexa was surprised it took her sister that long to start to ask questions.

Lexa looked up from the book. “Why did you think that?”

“Because it’s me and you are yet to say a word about it all. Why aren’t you over the moon? And why are you not ‘just chilling’ with Clarke?” Anya was looking straight at her, expecting an answer.

“Because I miss you.”

Anya chuckled. “That’s cute but why are you then sitting there reading the same page of that book for almost an hour?”

“I think I’m not doing it the right way.” Lexa sighed and finally closed the book.

“What? Reading? Yeah I can confirm that.”

“No.” Lexa rolled her eyes. “Clarke.”

“What happened?” Anya was now looking at her with more softness in her eyes than before.

“Nothing. That’s the point.”

“What do you mean?” Anya frowned.

“She’s acting like I’m gonna break if she says or does anything that’s not been thought through at least a million times.” Lexa looked down at her hands and thought about the look on Clarke’s face from the night before when she made that stupid comment. “She’s just waiting and overthinking everything. And nothing I do or say is helping.” she looked back up at Anya.

“Isn’t that what she always does?”

“I’m tired.” Lexa shook her head.

“Did you make an effort to show her or told her that she doesn’t have to do that?”

“Why do I always have to be the mature one?”

“That’s not called being mature it’s…”

“Yeah I know what it is but it doesn’t mean I have to be the one to carry everything and everyone around.”

“She’s scared. You can understand that, can’t you?”

“I’m not things that happened to her.”

“But you kinda are. You were always first. First she called, first she wanted to see, first she talked about. Can you imagine how that looks like to someone who is in love with her and who wants her just for themselves? You were always there and maybe you didn’t try to make things hard for her and people she’s been with but you can ask Costia how hard it is to love someone and not be their first choice.” Anya paused then added “There was one or maybe two people who could had, potentially, made her really happy. I don’t need to tell you who they are, you know that already. One of them gave up really early in their relationship because she couldn’t get away from you and the other left really late in their relationship and made sure to break her heart in the process.” Anya stopped and thought about saying her next wods. “You know he told her it’s because of you, right?” Lexa frowned. “Yeah. She called me crying, said she had no one else to talk to. He was a piece of shit, but a part of her loved him and he broke her heart. And then there was no one after him, or at least no one serious.” Anya licked her lips. “You are one thing that they all have in common. You were there through it all and you saw them all giving up on her. And now you are in their place and she is scared. Cut her some slack for being awkward about it and for overthinking everything and being careful. It’s not easy.”

Lexa let out a long breath and stared up at the ceiling. “It’s also not that hard and especially because I’ve been there and I know her and…”

“And that’s what probably makes it that scary. You know everything. She can’t pretend or hide or be anything other than herself. And besides, you are not so easy to please. And she knows. You also know how easy you give up on literally everything.”

“I never gave up on her.”

“But you did on girls you kept saying you loved.”

“It’s not the same.”

“It doesn’t have to be the same to make it real.” Anya smiled sadly. “Just… talk to her.”

“I did. I keep trying and she keeps shutting me off, shutting herself off. I tried following her lead, I tried pretending everything was the same, I tried everything, and nothing is working. She keeps doing the same thing over and over again.”

“But you probably never told her she has nothing to worry about.” Anya bit her lip. “Sometimes the simplest thing is the hardest and the obvious thing to do is the only thing you need to do.”

“I tried…”

“Okay, then try some more. There’s two of you in it. I’m not saying you should take it all on yourself but you also can’t expect her to do it.” Anya sighed. “You need to do it together and meet in the middle. That’s the only way to make it work.”

“It wasn’t supposed to be hard.”

“Talk to her.”


“Why are you late?”  Lexa was greeted by what looked like already really drunk Raven. It was her birthday party and Lexa was late, something that did happen often she spent too long wanting to call Clarke and for Clarke to call her.

“Happy birthday.” Lexa hugged her and gave her a bottle of whiskey.

Raven looked at it and smiled. “This is why I love you.” She pulled Lexa inside. “Make yourself at home, everyone else already did.” Lexa looked around the room and saw a bunch of familiar faces and a couple of strangers. “She’s on the balcony.” Raven smirked.

“I wasn’t looking for her.”

“Sure you weren’t.”

Truth was that Lexa wasn’t, not really. At least not for the first two seconds but then she saw the first blonde that turned not to be Clarke, and after the second one her eyes did start to search for her blonde.

Lexa roamed around, catching up with people she hadn’t seen in a long time. Every once in a while her eyes would search for Clarke and each time she would see her sitting in one of the chairs on the balcony.

“You’re gonna get sick.” she said after she managed to sneak on the balcony without Clarke or anyone else noticing.

“You’ll take care of me if I do.” Clarke smiled and moved a bit to the side. She patted the tiny space next to her legs. “Help me get warm.” she looked up at Lexa smiling.

“Why don’t we do that inside?” Lexa was still standing, it wasn’t that cold but it was cold enough that she regretted wearing only a shirt under her coat.

“I’m not in the mood.” Clarke said and drank the rest of the wine from her glass. “Please.”

“Just because you said please.” Lexa said and sat next to Clarke.

“Thank you.” Clarke smiled. She put her head on the other girl’s shoulder. Lexa turned her head to the side and took a deep breath in. She missed having her pillows smell like Clarke.

“You smell good.” Lexa whispered and kissed the top of Clarke’s head. “It’s been a while.” Lexa also missed the intimacy that disappeared when they dived into the new territory in their relationship. .

“I’m sorry.”

“Is something wrong?” Lexa wrapped her arm around Clarke and pulled her closer. Her heart was beating louder with every second. She missed having Clarke.

“I was just doing mental exercises.” Clarke started to draw lines on Lexa’s leg. Up and down, like she used to do on her back. Up and down, barely there. “I was talking to the Lexa in my head.”

Lexa chuckled. “How did that go?”

“Pretty good.”

“I bet she’s better than real Lexa.”

“She’s less scary and less patient.” Clarke paused. “But not better.”

“I’m scary?”

“You know I’m intimidated by hot people.”

Lexa started to laugh and it took Clarke no time to join her. “And why is she less patient?” Lexa asked after a couple of seconds.

“Because you’re too much.” Clarke settled her hand on Lexa’s inner thigh. If her face hadn’t been red from the cold air it would from the way Clarke’s fingers had been dancing on her leg.

“Which one do you prefer?”

Clarke lifted her head from Lexa’s shoulder and looked at her. She smiled and kissed her softly.

“You.” Clarke said with her eyes still closed. “Why is it so hard for me to do this?”

“Because I’m not really making it easy.”

“We should have been having sex by now but instead I’m just awkwardly trying to kiss you hoping that I’m not doing something wrong.”

“Have you been drinking?” Lexa raised her brows.

“Maybe.” Clarke laughed. “But I’m not wrong.”

“Maybe.”

“There’s something else I don’t get.” Clarke sat up and moved her hand from Lexa’s thigh to the back of her neck. “Why are you not doing something about it?”

“I’m waiting for you to do it.” Lexa almost moaned when Clarke’s fingers started to scratch the back of her head.

“You’ve spent ten years waiting, how are you not tired of it?” Clarke bit her lip.

“Wow.”

“I mean that in the nicest way possible.” A shade of panic started to appear in Clarke’s eyes. “I’m doing it again.” she sighed and closed her eyes.

“What I don’t get is why do you keep doing it?” Clarke saw comfort and understanding in Lexa’s eyes, warmth and safety.

“I’m scared.” she sighed. “It’s scary. I don’t understand how you are not scared.”

“Because you are my Clarke.” Lexa smiled. “It’s that simple. There was no one ever like you and there will never be someone like you. You are everything I need and everything I was missing for more than half of my life. Why should I be scared of that?”

“I’m gonna cry.”

“Don’t.” Lexa leaned and kissed her. “Please.” Lexa kissed the tip of Clarke’s nose. “I’ve waited for so long, do you honestly think I plan on leaving.” she smiled.

“Probably not.” Lexa wiped the tears from Clarke’s cheeks.

“Most certainly not.”

“Please.”

“And I expect the same from you.”

“Okay.”.

“Promise.”

“I promise.”

Chapter Text

It all started with a kiss. Neither of them knew how they got there or where to go from there, but sometimes all you need is a start and that kiss was just that, a start.

But it all started as a regular Sunday. Lexa woke up late, got out of bed even later. She lost time going back and forth between her bed and the couch. If someone asked her how she’d spend her Sunday night, Lexa would had never guessed it right.

It was a regular Sunday until she got a text from Clarke.

Clarke

15:24

Game night tonight, your place

You and me

7pm

Please and thank you

Lexa

15:28

No questions asked?

Clarke

15:29

Please?

Besides, I know for a fact that you don’t have any plans

Lexa

15:30

Maybe I don’t.

15:31

See you at 7

 

Lexa didn’t think much about it. There was really not much to think about. It was just Clarke and the last couple of times they’ve been together were actually good, really good, better than before Raven’s birthday. It was all still a bit awkward at times, but Clarke was less nervous and she wasn’t overthinking every little thing Lexa’s said or Clarke wanted to say. It wasn’t perfect, but it was pretty close to it.  

She was more Clarke and less whatever she was these past months. And Lexa hoped that night wouldn't be any or much different.  

There was of course still some edge to the words that Clarke carefully picked and actions she took with great caution.

There were hugs and kisses. A lot of them actually. There were some that almost led to more, some that were almost too much and some that had to be more. But still, not as much as Lexa wanted and not as much as Clarke showed she wanted.

At times it still felt like Clarke was walking at the tip of her toes, careful not to wake up something she kept buried deep down. And Lexa was more careful with Clarke’s feelings and with the things she said and how she behaved.  

Couple of minutes before 7, Clarke was in front of her door.

“Hi stranger.” Lexa smiled when she saw the blonde girl smiling with a box of chocolate in her hand.

“Hi.” she put her other hand on Lexa’s face and kissed her softly.

“You’re a sight for sore eyes.” Lexa smiled and closed the door behind Clarke.

“I love when you talk like that.” Clarke was standing with her back pressed against  the counter and a smile on her face.

“You do?” Lexa walked up to her and took Clarke’s hand in hers. She kissed it.

“Maybe.” she leaned and pecked Lexa’s lips.

“You’re in good mood.”

“You don’t look like you’re not.”

“I’ve spent the whole day doing nothing. There are worse way to lose time.”

“Yeah but there are also better ones.”

“Maybe you should have come sooner.”

“Maybe you should have called.”

“Maybe.” Lexa chewed on her cheek.

“Maybe, maybe, maybe.” Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa’s neck.

“What games should we play?”

“Maybe there are better ways to lose time.” Lexa smirked.

“Maybe you shouldn’t try your luck.”

“Maybe.” Lexa smiled and kissed Clarke.

“Chess.” Clarke said when Lexa pulled back. “And I wanna win.”

“You want me to let you win?” Lexa raised her brows.

“You should know better than ask.” Clarke walked by her to the shelf where Lexa kept her chess board. Clarke took it and set it on the table in the living room. “You better not let me win it.”

Lexa shook her head and laughed.


“I think I’ve had enough.” Clarke said a couple of hours and a couple of lost games after. “It’s no fun.”

“I don’t understand how you manage to lose it every single time.”

“You are distracting.

“And you’re not?”

“I guess not enough.”

“Maybe you should wear less clothes.” Lexa bit her lip.

“Wouldn’t you like that.”

“I wouldn’t mind.” Lexa got up from the floor and sat on the couch next to Clarke. They sat there in silence, just existing together.

“I really like you.” Clarke said after a couple of minutes.

“You like me?” Lexa looked at her.

“My insides get so warm and fuzzy when I see you.” Clarke blushed. “And my heart beats really fast until you touch me. Then it’s all good. It’s…” Clarke swallowed the rest of her sentence.

“It’s what?” Lexa tucked a piece of hair behind Clarke’s ear.

“It’s something.” Clarke leaned into Lexa’s touch.

“Something’s better than nothing.” Lexa smiled.

“It’s so much better.”

“I really like you too.” Lexa placed a kiss on Clarke’s cheek.

“You do?”

“You know I do.”

“I do know that.” Clarke smiled.

“Good.” Lexa kissed her cheek again.

“So… I should go, I guess.”

“If you want to.” Lexa licked her lips. Clarke’s eyes looked down then quickly up again.

“I think I should.” Clarke looked to the side, took a deep breath and stood up. “It’s been a long day.”

“Yeah, so long it’s almost over.”

“Yeah.” Clarke shook her head, turned around and started to walk to the door. Lexa followed her and opened the door for her.

“I’ve had a really good time.”

“Me t…” Clarke cut her off with a kiss. It was supposed to be just that, a kiss. At least that’s what Lexa thought. But it turned to more, much more. Clarke’s tongue found a way in Lexa’s mouth and she moaned. Probably a bit too loud and too eager for more.

“Will I ever get used to how good this feels?” Clarke whispered.

“I’ll make sure you do. If you want.” Lexa brushed their noses together and pecked Clarke’s lips.

“Please.” Clarke kissed her again, with even more passion. Lexa felt like everything was getting slowly out of her hands. She knew she’d lose control over herself and everything else if Clarke continued to kiss her like that.

“Maybe I should close the door.”

“Probably a good idea.” Clarke stepped to the side and let Lexa lock the door behind her. Any thought of leaving already forgotten.

“Oh, hi.”  Lexa said, surprised to see Clarke so close and much closer than she did just a second before.

“I have to tell you something.” she took another step towards Lexa who instinctively took a step back, just to have her back hit the door.

“What?” she saw something she had never seen before in Clarke’s eyes.

“I can’t stop thinking about you.” Clarke dragged her hands down Lexa’s sides before settling them on her hips. “It’s driving me crazy.” Clarke’s bottom lip was between her teeth and she was biting it so hard it turned white. Her grip on Lexa’s hips was getting stronger with every second that passed by and her breathing was getting heavier. Lexa could see Clarke was trying hard to hold back.

“What do you think about?” Lexa licked her lips.

“Don’t do that.” Clarke groaned.

“Why?” Lexa pulled slightly down on Clarke shirt and tried to push herself from the door and closer to Clarke, but the blonde had her back against the door in no time.

Instead of answering Clarke kissed her hungrily, sliding her tongue inside Lexa’s mouth. She dug her fingers deep into the skin on Lexa’s hips. Clarke pulled her lower lip between her mouth and sucked on it hard, then licked over it. “Because I wanna do it.” her words came out broken, between breaths. It took Lexa a moment to realize Clarke’s hands were no longer on her hips but under her shirt and going up her sides. She felt Clarke’s lips going from her mouth, up her jaw and then nibble on her ear.

“Clarke.”  Lexa felt a pair of hands just under her bra line.

“Can I? Please.” Clarke’s breath was hot and it made Lexa’s skin burn with even more desire.

“Yes.”

Clarke’s hands went around to Lexa’s back and unhooked her bra. “You smell so good.” Clarke whispered in Lexa’s ear before lowering her mouth to the soft skin of Lexa’s neck. She kissed gently before sucking hard and then licked over the red mark that was already forming on Lexa’s skin. Clarke brought her hands back to Lexa’s front and kissed her way back to her mouth.

This time Lexa was the initiator of the kiss but when she felt Clarke cup her breasts she lost it all. Her head fell back on the door. “Fuck.”

Clarke rolled her thumb over Lexa’s nipple and watched the way Lexa shivered in her arms. “You like that?”

“Fuck you.” Lexa was ready to regain the control of the situation, as if she ever had it. But Clarke pulled her nipple between her fingers and Lexa moaned.

“I know you do.” Clarke kissed her neck and then whispered. “Lift up your arms. Please.” Lexa did as she was asked to do, or told. Clarke’s hands went down to the hem of Lexa’s shirt and she groaned at the loss of Clarke’s hands on her skin. “Don’t worry. Won’t be for long.” Lexa wanted to wipe the smirk off of Clarke’s face but the truth was she had no intention of doing so. Clarke pulled the shirt over Lexa’s head and Lexa let her bra fall down. Clarke looked down Lexa’s half naked body and shook her head before crashing their bodies together. “I don’t wanna rush this.” she said between kisses that were anything but soft. “I wanna enjoy in every second of it.”

“You have too much clothes on.” Lexa said out of breath.

“I do.” Clarke laughed.

“Take it off. Or I will.” Clarke took off her shirt and unbuttoned her pants, letting them slide to the floor. “You’ll be the death of me.”  Lexa said when she saw Clarke in nothing but matching black panties and bra.

“Your turn.” Clarke went back to kissing Lexa’s neck.

“Fuck.” Without thinking Lexa turned them around, pushed Clarke against the door and started to kiss down her neck and her chest. The room was filled with nothing but Clarke’s moans.

“Bed.” Clarke said after she pushed Lexa to walk. It was the longest it ever took Lexa to walk from her front door to the bedroom. But walking wasn’t as easy with Clarke’s hands traveling down her body and Clarke’s tongue in her mouth.

When the back of her legs finally hit her bed. Clarke pushed her down on it and climbed on top of her. “I’ve had a lot of dreams that started like this.”

“How did they end?” Clarke’s hands were on the both sides of Lexa’s head and she was looking down at her, her eyes dark and her voice low.

“With you under me.”

“Not this time.” Clarke smiled.

Don’t be so sure about it.” Lexa lifted her head and pressed her lips against Clarke’s.

“Trust me.” Clarke started to kiss down Lexa neck, taking in every inch of her skin.

“You don’t know for how long I’ve wanted this.”

“I think I might have an idea.” Clarke dragged her tongue over Lexa’s chest, between her breasts.

“I don’t think you do.”

“Is everything alright?”

“Yes. Why?”  Lexa was quick to respond.

“You keep talking.” Clarke smiled at her. “We can slow down…”

“No, no, no. Just stay where you are.” Lexa bit her lip. “I just can’t believe this is really happening.”

“You’ll have to.” Clarke kissed Lexa’s collarbone, lowered her head and wrapped her mouth around Lexa’s nipple.

Lexa moaned and threw her head back on the pillow. “That won’t be a problem.” she whispered.

Clarke’s mouth went down the middle of Lexa’s torso, leaving a red trail of bruises where her lips had been. Lexa was still wearing her pants and when Clarke’s mouth had no more skin to mark she looked up and hooked her finger under Lexa’s pants. Lexa’s only response was a nod followed by a bunch of more. Clarke giggled and pulled them down leaving Lexa in just panties. Clarke went back up her body and kissed her.

“You are so beautiful. Why did we wait for so long to do this?”

“I kept asking myself.” Lexa’s voice was shaky and she knew she’d sound desperate if she said anything else. So she waited for Clarke to do something, anything. But Clarke did nothing but kiss her softly.

“Clarke.” Lexa was desperate for more, for Clarke to go back where she was, to feel Clarke everywhere.

“Hmm.” Clarke grinned.

“Are you really going to make me ask for it?”

“No.” Clarke smiled. “I just… I want this to last forever.”

“It will.” Lexa put her hand around Clarke’s neck and pulled her for a kiss. “It will.”

Without needing more encouragement Clarke went down the same path she did before.

Her name coming out of Lexa’s mouth always sounded different, better, but never before did it sound as good as that night.