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In The Line of Firemen

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King of the Hill did a Volunteer Firemen episode. Then Bender got to be a fireman. Now it's Peter Griffin's turn! Let's just see how a Volunteer Fireman episode of Family Guy will play out. Peter Griffin will be a hero in this rather than a villain.

 

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On a Saturday Morning, Peter Griffin was doing his typical routine. Watching television. Lois and Chris walk in to talk to Peter.

"Peter, can Chris use the television?" asked Lois politely.

"What does he need it for?" asked Peter.

"My all time favorite episode of Gravity Falls is on! I just want to see a part then I will turn it off." promised Chris.

"A-ha! That's why you want the TV so you can watch your stupid Gravity Falls! Give up on your childhood already." Peter practically shouted.

Lois tells Chris who wasn't going to side with him. "Besides Chris. Peter's right. You need to grow up. You're in high school now. Don't you think it's time to give up on cartoons?"

"All right, Lois! You Da Woman! You tell it like it is!" Peter applauded his wife. "Wanted to cheer for you like a black guy would."

"Why do you always make fun of me about it, Dad! Mom, how come everyone in this family wants to force me into adulthood so bad?" whined the fat chubby son of the Griffin Family.

"What is so important that you need the TV?" Lois stated.

Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire all put their names into Channel 5 to be once in a lifetime volunteer firemen.

"If you have to know, I want to watch the news!" said Peter. "So I...I! Get the TV all to myself!"

Lois soon remembered, "Now I remember, you and the guys put your names in to become volunteer firemen."

"Go screw yourself with a rubber hose Dad! As God as my witness weekends this fall I am going to use this television to watch all the Gravity Falls I want! As I know you work weekends, Dad!" vowed Chris.

Peter fought back, "Oh, yeah? Well I am going to talk to my boss Angela to see if I can get weekends off! So I can have the TV, and you'll NEVER get to see your silly ass Gravity Falls! Or as I like to call it, 'Assity Falls! Hee hee hee hee hee hee!"

"That's enough you two! Chris, why don't you go play with your friends? It's a sunny day." suggested Lois.

"OKay. Too bad we don't get Disney XD anymore..." Chris walked off in sadness.

"You know, Chris, Gravity Falls ended, maybe this could be a chance to get into something more mature! May I suggest, one of those Netflix shows like The Crown, Handmaid's Tale, or Black Mirror!" Brian said.

"I never get to do what I want! And Meg wants to think SHE has it bad..." Chris moaned.

Lois sits next to Peter. "The news is starting!"

"Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker!"

"And I'm Joyce Kinney!"

"Our top story this morning, who will be the lucky men in Quahog who will get to be volunteer firemen for a whole month! Every man in Quahog signed up and only four will make it!"

Peter gets excited, "Oh boy! This is it! Just know it's going to be me and the guys!"

"Settle down, Peter. It might not even be you and your friends!"

Tom Tucker reported, "The girl who was called the Lottery Numbers and was a check out girl in a cheap dress, Nikki. She's back. She is going to announce the winners of this contest, over to you Nikki."

Nikki was looking through some pictures of men in Quahog. She finds a picture of Peter and shows it to the camera.

"Stay Puff Marshmallow Man!"

"That's Peter Griffin!"

Peter was all too happy about it. "YES! YES! YES! Come on...call Joe..."

Nikki found a picture of Joe to show to the camera.

"Lawnmower Man!"

"Joe Swanson!"

Nikki found a picture of Cleveland.

"Fozzy Bear!"

"Cleveland Brown!"

Nikki found a picture of Quagmire.

"Pinnochio!"

"Glenn Quagmire...oh forget it! So there you have it! The winners of the volunteer fireman contest are Peter Griffin, Joe Swanson, Glenn Quagmire, and Cleveland Brown. What do you have to say about this Ollie?"

"Report for duty!"

Peter jumped up and down in the air and squealed like a schoolgirl. "I get to be a fireman! I get to be fireman! I get to be a fireman!" The force of Peter's jumping caused the whole house to shake. Stewie was up in the crib bouncing from the force of Peter's jumps. "What the deuce! Hate it when the Fatman is happy!"

Brian comes in to give Peter a reality check. "You know, Peter. Being a fireman comes great responsibility It's not going to be all fun and games."

"No more preaching shit from you, Brian! I'm going to do it for the free alcohol they offer! Also to have fun! Now to call Joe!" said Peter.

Peter goes to call his friends. Carter Pewterschmidt say the report and was none to proud that Peter and his friends got to be picked for Volunteer Firemen.

"Well, well, well. That obese terminally brainless son of a bitch Peter gets to be a fireman? We'll just see about that!" Carter said.

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For the first days as Volunteer Firemen, Peter was drunk playing ping pong. All the alcohol was gone because of Peter. "There's more to a fireman than just playing drunken Ping Pong, Peter." Joe told him.

"Look at me, I'm Forrest Gump! Just love playin' ping pong! I even play it by myself" Peter doing his drunken Forrest Gump impersonation.

Joe sees Cleveland blowing up pool floaties.

"What's with the pool floaties there?"

Cleveland answered, "They're for when I get my new pool. It's not like we're getting any emergencies at the moment."

Joe spots Quagmire on a phone.

"Who are you calling?"

"Escort services! The fire I need to burn my fuel!" Quagmire answered.

Joe made an announcement, "This isn't what firemen do! I know we haven't gotten any calls lately, and I understand the boredom, but we can't just all goof around!"

The slacking off continued. A few days later at the Quahog firehouse. Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were sleeping in their beds. The clock alarm went off and they woke up.

"Ahhh, the life of the fireman! Just like in Backdraft, Emergency, and Rescue Me!" Peter sighed contently.

"Get your asses out of bed! This could be our big break!" said Joe.

"Do you have to save that everytime we get up?" Quagmire resented. "We haven't even gotten a fire to put out yet!"

"For the past few days all you guys did was slack off!" said Joe. "Trying to get some order around here!"

"Hee hee hee hee! Slack off rhymes with jack off!" laughed Peter.

"Let's get into that fireman gear!" said Cleveland.

The overalls they wore were tangled in the straps. So Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were all stuck.

"Who the *beep* did this to our overalls?" demanded Joe.

"Feel like I'm having a threesome in a gay porn!" said Quagmire. "Hate that feeling!"

Cleveland suggested, "Settle down, I'll get us out." Cleveland untangled the straps on their overalls. "Nothing to it!"

"Thanks, Cleveland!" said Joe.

"This has been going on every morning since we've been here." said Quagmire.

They all got into their overalls and fireman gear. Peter goes down the pole first, then Joe stops him.

"Who died and made you go down first?" asked Joe as he grabs Peter back by the hair. "OUCH! Watch the hair!" yelled Peter. "Just be lucky it's not your pubic hair!" Quagmire then tries to go down and Joe grabs him by the nose. "I go first! I'm the man of the law!" Joe ordered.

Joe goes down the pole first. Followed by Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland. The pole leads them to the firetruck.

"Don't forget! All you need to do is pull the string!" Peter reminded his friends. Peter pulls the string and the siren plays 10+ times over.

"We get the message!" said an irritated Cleveland.

Quagmire said, "All right! Chicks always fall for a man in uniform!"

"Let's all go show off our firetruck to the town!" said Joe. "And I can give real firemen the middle finger who think cops can't be firemen!"

"Since there's no fires reported!" said Cleveland.

"Sounds like fun! I get to drive!" said Peter.

The firetruck Peter was driving down the streets of Quahog. There were two firetrucks inside. Peter obsessively pulled the string that sounded the siren. The citizens of Quahog were cheering for them, and yet were annoyed by Peter's pulling of the siren. Brian and Stewie were walking down the street on their way to Quahog Mall.

"Brian, don't forget. I want to get Fifth Harmony's New CD."

"Fifth Harmony? Another pop band that preteens are so batshit crazy about."

"They're my new favorite thing!"

Brian sees a limo drive into the Quahog Firehouse. Out comes Carter Pewterschimdt. Carter had a case of explosives on hand. Brian decides to follow him. Stewie wasn't too happy.

"Brian, you said you were going to..."

"Not now, Stewie! I want to see what Carter is up to! Follow me!"

Carter sneaks into the firehouse. The explosives case had some gun powder spilling out. A duck came to eat it. Brian and Stewie spy on him. Carter puts the explosives into the firetruck's engine without Peter and his crew knowing as they were still joyriding around town. Brian and Stewie decide to confront Carter.

"Ha! Caught you!" Brian called.

"Just what do you up to now, Grandpa? Is that some new angle of salemanship?" asked Stewie.

Carter tried to explain. "No you see, I was just looking for some wreckage! That's it!"

"Oh I see! I suppose that was your business card you just put into the engine!" said Brian.

"I know what those really were! Those were explosives! How could you do this? I wish you weren't my Grandfather!" said Stewie.

"OKay! Those were explosives! All right! Why does that fatass Peter Griffin get to be a volunteer fireman and not ME!" confessed Carter. "I'm the one who should be a fireman! Not him!"

"We got a confession! I'm reporting you to Mayor Adam West!" warned Brian showing Carter a tape recorder.

Carter tried to grab Brian but he punched him. Then Stewie kicked Carter in the head while he was down. Carter ran after them. Stewie got scared. "You're the worst Grandfather ever!"

"Why YOU!" yelled Carter chasing after Brian and Stewie.

"AAAAHHHH! You're a mean Grandfather!" screamed Stewie.

"Let's go, Stewie!" Brian said.

Brian and Stewie were trying to escape Carter's angry wrath.

"Come back here you two! I'll fix you both up good! I will do what Peter and Lois should've done a long time ago!" shouted Carter. "Teach you manners! And discipline!"

Carter chased Brian and Stewie into the fireman's bedroom. Brian pulled out a bed to block Carter's path. Carter falls onto the bed and knocks his head on the railing.

"Good thinking Brian!" said Stewie.

"But he's knocked out cold. We shouldn't let Peter know he was here." Brian stated.

"Let's take the explosives out of the firetruck while he's out cold." Stewie suggested.

"Great idea! Then we'll take Carter out of here!"

"Where will be put him?"

"To an Old Folks Facility! We'll take him back to that one in Florida!"

As Brian and Stewie were going to try to take the explosives out of the fire truck. The duck that ate the gun powder from the explosives flew to the window. It laid an egg that landed on the floor and made a massive explosion. Brian and Stewie both screamed and fainted from the jolt of the blast. A fire was slowly brewing in the firehouse.

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Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were still riding through town in the Firetruck. Joe had an idea.

"Want to know what I think would be cool?"

"To do a striptease for the women?" recommended Quagmire. "Worked in the movie Just Can't Get Enough! Or do a Zest bath soap that shows us naked, or a condom commercial!"

"No, we should clean our fire truck at the car wash." Joe answered.

"Sounds awesome! Let's do that!" said Peter. "So people can see how dedicated we are to this! And to look good putting out fires!"

"If we ever get any calls." reminded Cleveland of the lack of activity they were enduring.

Peter drives the firetruck to the car wash and get it washed. Some Quahog citizens saw them and cheered. As soon as it was done, Mayor Adam West came running down the street.

"HELP HELP! HELP!"

Joe said, "What can we do for you?"

"My cat is stuck in the tree! Tried to get it down myself." cried Adam West. "It just won't listen to me!"

"Our first mission! To the Mayor's Mansion!" Peter ordered. "We're going to get drunk after this!"

"And maybe get laid, OH!" cheered Quagmire.

They arrived at Adam West's Mayor Mansion and Cleveland climbed up the ladder to the firetruck and got the cat down from the tree.

"Thank you so much!" complemented Adam West then he says to the cat, "I am never letting you out of my sight again, Dicky!"

Peter snickered, "Hee Hee Hee Heee Hee! He named his cat, Dicky!"

"All in a good days' work, sir!" said Cleveland then turns over to Peter. "Oh, Peter, laughing at that cats' name, I should've known."

Joe didn't look too thrilled as Peter and everyone else went back inside the firetruck.

"What's the matter Joe?" asked Cleveland.

"I don't know, thought our first mission would be more exciting than this..." Joe lemented "Getting cats out of trees, I mean, come on! The first days we were volunteer fireman, we didn't get anything."

"We're going to be volunteer fireman for a month. Something will come our way." reassured Quagmire.

"Yeah, you can't expect to have excitement the first few days." said Peter.

"Maybe you're all right. Something exciting always happens when we hang out." said Joe.

"I'll make you feel better, wanna pull the string?" Peter taunted Joe. "Sound the siren? Do you? Joe?"

"No please! Don't start with that!" begged Cleveland.

An employee from The Coffee Hut was running down the street.

"Emergency! Emergency! Please help us!" the employee screamed.

"What can we do for you?" asked Peter.

"Our dumpster can is on fire! Come right away!" the employee shouted.

"Gentlemen, we found our next mission! To the dumpster!" ordered Peter.

The firetruck was following the employee driving to the Coffee Hut. What nobody knew was that the firehouse was on fire. Carter, Brian, and Stewie were all knocked out.

Peter, Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire went to the dumpster behind the Coffee Hut and put the fire out.

"Guess you can say we took a shit, I mean a dump!" laughed Peter.

'There he goes again. Does he and will he ever quit?' thought Cleveland to himself being satiated about Peter's toilet mind.

Quagmire was hitting on a female Coffee Hut employee who looked none to happy. "Hey, hot stuff! Ever did it with a fireman before! Giggity Giggity!"

"Quagmire! Stop hitting on women and get back here!" shouted Joe.

"Dammit! Coming!" Quagmire said in rancor.

Joe had a scheme. "You know guys. As long as we're running around town instead of waiting for a mission back at the firehouse, we can have people come to us!"

"You're right, Joe! We'll just let the missions come naturally. *laughs* Naturally!" Peter agreeing with Joe's plan.

"Is everything a joke that centers around bathroom humor and sex preferences with you?" asked Cleveland fractiously.

"It gets boring just hanging around the firehouse." said Joe. "The more bored we get, the more we screw around.

"The more we stay out here, the more people will want us to help them with whatever." said Quagmire.

Principal Shepard runs down the street.

"Here come someone now." said Joe.

"Since you are all volunteer fireman, would you like to make an apperance and at James Woods High? You know, show everyone how things work?" asked the harried Principal.

"You sir, got yourself a deal!" said Peter.

Momentarily at James Woods High, Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were giving an outdoor assembly. The popular kids like Connie D'Amico and Gina were not very pleased to see firemen come to their school.

"Shouldn't this be for like...grade school or whatever?" asked Gina.

Connie responded, "Like yeah, whatever...who cares about fire safety anyway?"

Peter was showing the kids their firetruck. "And now little kiddies, Uncle Peter is going to show you all how a firetruck works!"

A boy from the crowd shouted, "Nobody wants to see your fat ass lecture us about firetrucks!" "GO HOME PRICKS!"

"We'll ignore that, please continue, Peter." said Joe.

Peter talks down the high school students as if they were in kindergarten. Peter tries to demonstrate to them with the firehose. "Now, this is called a...who wants to say it...it's called a..."

A girl called from the crowd, "LOOKS LIKE YOUR DICK!" then the high school kids roar with laughter. "IS THAT SOMETHING YOU USE TO SUCK COCKS?" some boy yelled out joining in.

"Who said that! Who said that? Come on out and show yourself you fucking milksop!" yelled Peter.

"Peter, just ignore them. I'll get revenge on them later and then try to find out of some of them are having a party and see if any girls are passed out drunk." assured Quagmire.

"Show them that siren you love so much." said Cleveland.

"Good thinking. Anyone know how they siren works, kids? All you need to do is pull the string!" Peter instructed. The siren blared loudly for a minute when Peter pulled the string.

"Sounds like you got a bad case of gas there, dude!" a girl shouted.

Ignoring the insults. Walking over to a ladder Peter asks the high school kids, "What might this be? Anyone know?"

"Something from inside your pants!" "A stick that was pulled out of your ass!" two more boys heckled at Peter.

Cleveland said, "This was obviously a huge mistake."

Peter felt a huge asperity come from within him then he takes out the Jaws of Life. The high school kids didn't feel threatened and just laughed at made fun of Peter some more. "Anyone want their head cut off?" "Peter, these are high school kids, they're not going to take this seriously." Joe tried to convince Peter.

"Do you use that to clip out your hemmroids?" laughed another boy from the crowd. Peter ran into the crowd of high school kids and beat them implacably at random. Even some girls. After the feeble attempt that giving a lecture about the career of a fireman was over, Peter noticed a smokey smell. Lois and Bonnie ran to Peter's firetruck.

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Lois was frantic. "Peter, I can't find Brian and Stewie anywhere!" Peter wasn't the least bit concerned, "Don't worry, I'm sure they'll turn up."

"Brian usually comes back with Stewie on time. Looked all over! For some reason, they haven't come home!" Lois cried.

"If that isn't bad enough, there's a fire a few blocks over!" exclaimed Bonnie.

"A fire! Thanks for telling us that! Let's put it out!" roared Joe.

Peter, Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland all boarded the firetruck, but the engine had died. "Dammit! Must've been when we got it washed." said Cleveland. Peter became the man with the plan. "I know! I recall there was another firetruck in the firehouse! I'll go get it!" Peter ran down the street to the firehouse and wasn't even aware there was a fire spreading with Brian, Stewie, and Carter trapped inside. Peter came back with the firetruck and kept pulling the string to sound the siren. The other firetruck had the explosives inside that Carter implanted.

"See? All you got to do is pull the string!" laughed Peter. "That was his favorite in all of this. Sounding the siren." Quagmire said in a deadpan snarky voice. "To the fire!" Peter called out. "Try to find Brian and Stewie, too!" Lois said.

"We have both a fire and a missing persons case on our hands!" said Joe. As Peter was driving the firetruck exploded the town uproared with panic. "Oooooh! What are we going to do!" asked Lois. Quagmire says, "Follow me, guys!" Peter, Cleveland, and Joe followed Quagmire to a front yard fence. Quagmire got two of the boards from the fence. "What exactly are we going to do with this!" said Cleveland. "We're going to 'run' and pull the firetruck!"

"Good and quick thinking there!" complemented Peter to his perverted friend. "This is my brainchild, dudes!" said Quagmire. "You're not even married." retorted Peter. "Brainchild! Who knows how many illegitimate ones you have! Glenn Quagmire, the Harvey Weinstein of Quahog!" joked Joe. "Shut up, Joe!"

Peter, Cleveland, Quagmire, and Joe got on one side of the firetruck and put the board from the fence under the truck, and planted another board on the other side for Lois and Bonnie to pull. "Ready? We're going to run our way to the fire!" said Quagmire. Others in town like Mort, Jerome, and Dr. Hartman joined in. The firetruck was now being pulled down the street with the power of running humans, thanks to the help of Quagmire. "I feel like I'm those Jamaicans in the Puma shoe commercials!" Peter said. "You mean those 'World's Fastest Band' ones?" asked Quagmire.

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At the firehouse, Carter was beginning to wake up after being knocked out. Carter discovers the place was on fire and yelled out the window for help. The firetruck being pulled by almost everyone in town with fence boards was coming down the street and Carter sees it. "HELP! HELP! HELP! MAN IN DISTRESS!" The firetruck ran past the firehouse. "WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING! HERE I AM HERE! WHERE YOU ARE DUMBASSES GOING!" Lois took notice, "Someone is calling for help!" Everyone stopped pulling the firetruck only to see Carter crying for help.

"DADDY! What happened!" asked Lois. "It's a long story." said Carter. Brian and Stewie were now waking up and saw the fire that was spreading. Stewie screamed like a hysterical child. "BRIAN! GET ME OUT!" "Son of a bitch! The fire was in the firehouse!" said Cleveland. "Holy crap! Fire in a firehouse! How in the hell did this happen?" asked Peter. "Talk about irony!" said Joe. "We volunteered to be fireman to put out fires, and the one fire that needs to be put out was our home base. A place to prevent fires." stated Cleveland. "You sound like Smokey the Bear." teased Peter. "Duly noted". answered back Cleveland.

"Please, save my Daddy!" cried Lois. Peter and Joe got out a trampoline. "All right, Carter! Jump!" ordered Joe. Carter jumped out of the burning firehouse and onto the trampoline. Carter was saved. As Peter was about to put out the fire, Brian and Stewie come to the window pleading for help. "RESCUE US! WE'RE STUCK HERE TOO!" shouted Brian.

Stewie cried, "HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP!" Joe and Cleveland get out the trampoline and Brian held onto Stewie with dear life and jumped onto the trampoline. "That's where they were!" said Lois. Bonnie said, "You can rest assured now." Peter, Cleveland, Quagmire, and Cleveland put out the fire within minutes.

"Brian, what were you and Stewie doing in that burning fire house?" asked Lois. "What about you, Daddy?" Stewie pointed at Carter, "He's the one! He's the one that started this whole thing!" Lois grabbed Stewie and hugged him, "Oh, baby! Mommy's so happy you're safe and sound. Mommy's gonna smother you with kisses!" Stewie wasn't happy about this. "BLUHHH! One of the quirks of being rescued!" the baby irked. "Afraid Stewie is right, Lois. Carter did start all this bullshit!" Brian explained.

"What did they say? Carter started this fire?" asked Peter who turned over to Carter scolding him with his index finger. "Old man, you gots some explaining to do!" "Get him!" Joe yelled. As Carter tried to get away. Peter, Joe, Quagmire and Cleveland tackled him. "Why did you do this? Because of what you did, you endangered the life of an animal and a child!" Joe told Carter. "Hope you're proud of yourself, you old embittered asshole!" Cleveland sneered.

"You want the story, you got it!" Carter defending his actions. "It was 1945. World War 2 ended. After I got out of the army and came back home to Quahog. Wanted to do more military style work. Was bored after the war, no excitement whatsoever. So I signed up to be a fireman. They told he they would call me back if they were a position available. Peter laughed, "Position!" Carter told his story, "Shut up fatass! Where was I, oh that's right, Weeks turned into months. I waited and waited. Then I went over to the firehouse and asked them why they didn't haven't taken me. They said the jobs were already filled and they didn't want me because they saw my background in the war that I had killed German children. Instead they hired someone who used to be a circus clown instead of me. I was the better man for the job. So anyway, when I heard the news that Peter Griffin was chosen to be a volunteer fireman, I got jealous. I set out to destroy him to prove to this town that Peter Griffin was a reckless, irresponsible jackass who doesn't deserve to be a volunteer fireman. That's my story and I'm sticking to it." Carter was done.

"That was a lame excuse of an excuse!" Quagmire mocked Carter's voice. "You did this out of jealousy?" asked Lois. "Spot on." said Carter. Joe wheeled himself up to Carter, "All right, Carter. We're letting you off with a warning. Don't ever try to kill Peter again. If you do, I might not be so nice!" Carter agreed. "It's a deal! There's some advantages to being a businessmen! Getting let off the hook after almost committing murder. But that doesn't mean I am going to stop hating Peter! As for you, Lois! You've always deserved better than him." Carter walked back to his company.

"This day has really turned into a twisted turn of events." said Peter. "I tried to stop him, really I did. He put explosives into that firetruck I saw you guys were pulling." said Brian. "Since you were almost killed today, Peter. Do you think you should stop with this fireman business?" asked Lois. "You know, Lois is right. This made you a target. Someone else might probably try to kill you in the meantime. Who knows if this will happen again." Brian told Peter.

Peter jumped onto the firetruck. "NO NEVER! We shall keep on being firemen!" Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire cheered for him. "I just got my excitement streak back!" cheered Joe. Peter went on, "Where ever there is trouble, we will help on the double!" Peter went into the broken firetruck and pulled the string the sounded the siren over and over again. Peter cracked up, "How can I ever give up on this!" "NOT AGAIN!" Quagmire screamed!

Both the firetrucks that were destroyed were fixed. As the month progressed, Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were getting more and more calls to go and help out. Whether it was fires or just getting animals out of trees. Peter Griffin went down in history as him and his friends were named the 'Greatest Volunteer Firemen in Quahog.' Even made front page news at the Quahog newspaper.

As one can see, I never do cutaways in my Family Guy stories.