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Phil was too old to feel this nervous. He was twenty-two and he’d be twenty-three next month, so he figured his heart shouldn’t be pounding this hard or his palms sweating this much. 

It wasn’t like he hadn’t had sex before. He had, though it had been a while, and never with someone he was falling in love with. And it wasn’t like he hadn’t done anything with Dan before either. They’d kissed on the floor of his bedroom back in October, moved against each other until they were coming in their jeans. They’d gotten off together on Skype once or twice. But this was different. 

Dan was in the bathroom, and he’d be coming out soon. Then…well…they’d been talking about this for a while now, enough that Phil had gone to the store and stared at their selection of lube. He’d had sex before—he had—but the other guy had always had more experience and come equipped with a condom from the university clinic and a cheap bottle of lube that smelled like gross plastic. Phil hadn’t wanted their first time to smell like gross plastic. So he’d grabbed a bottle of Durex cherry lube off the shelf and a box of condoms, and tried to find the cashier that would be the least likely to judge him.

Now, Phil was here. Sitting on the edge of his bed, rubbing his sweaty palms against black denim, waiting for Dan to come back, as a barrage of thoughts assaulted him.

What if we do this and Dan decides he doesn’t like me? What if we do this and Dan decides he doesn’t like men? What if he’s like watched a lot of porn and wants me to tie him up or slap him or something? Or call him a name? What if this is all he wants from me and once he gets it, he’s just going to disappear?

Phil squeezed his eyes shut. These thoughts weren’t helping anything. Nothing about his relationship with Dan had set him up to believe any of this would be true. It was just his own stupid brain playing its favorite game—Worst Case Scenario. 

The door clicked open and Dan stepped into the bedroom. He had a thumb hooked into the pocket of his jeans, and his t-shirt was loose enough that it exposed his sharp collar bones. 

“Ready for bed?” Dan asked, rubbing at the back of his neck.

Were they just going to sleep? That was fine, but they’d gotten themselves so worked up earlier, kissing and touching on the sofa, that Phil had assumed… 

“I’m not tired yet,” Phil said.

“Uh,” Dan said, “I’m not really tired either, but I am…ready for bed?” He said it almost like a question, like maybe he’d been trying to be seductive but nerves had made it fall apart.

Phil was very glad Dan was a little nervous too.

Phil swallowed. “Me too.”

Slowly, Dan walked over to the bed and sat down beside Phil. “I’ve never…”

“I thought…with your girlfriend…you said…”

“Yeah, I meant with um a guy.”

“Oh…I kind of figured that.”

Dan elbowed Phil. “Oi, thanks.”

“No, I just meant you were with your girlfriend for so long and then there was me and we haven’t…”

“I’m teasing you, Phil,” Dan said softly. “But, yeah I’ve never done this before so if I’m like shit please don’t hate me.”

“You’re not going to be shit. It’s impossible.”

“Anything is possible if you’re as much of a fail as I am.”

“You’re not a…you won’t be shit, but even if we have the worst sex ever in human history, it won’t change anything.”

“Except we’ll now be the Guinness record holders for Worst Sex Ever.”

Phil let out a small laugh. “Yeah, well, except that.” He turned toward Dan, lowering his voice. “So really whatever happens, it’s a win-win.”

After a moment of silence, Dan spoke up again, “Phil?”

“Kiss me,” Dan said. 

Phil gave a little shaky nod and leaned into Dan’s mouth. Kissing Dan was always like waking up, like the first sip of coffee, like pulling back drawn curtains. Dan’s hands moved to Phil shirt and slid up and down the line of buttons.

They’d made out before, of course. This wasn’t even anything new, but it had a whole different charge to it. A shiver of something changing, and Phil was too anxious to really think about what that could mean.

Suddenly, Dan was slinging his body over Phil’s, straddling him, arms wrapped around Phil’s neck as he powered-up their kisses, each with a little more impact than the one before. 

Phil placed his hands on Dan’s hips. He rucked up his shirt and touched the soft bare skin. Dan made a little groan against Phil’s mouth, and Phil tried to lick the sound up with his tongue. As Dan deepened the kiss, Phil held on tighter to his hips, holding his ass against Phil’s lap, against his cock that was fuck growing harder against Dan’s little movements.

“God, Dan,” Phil growled. “You feel so…this feels so…”

“I know.” He grinned against Phil’s mouth, then lifted his head, looked at something over Phil’s shoulder. “Though I feel like Uma Thurman is judging my performance.”

Phil put a hand on Dan’s cheeks and brought their gazes back together. “Don’t worry about her. Look at me.”

“Always,” Dan breathed out. “I’m always looking at you.” Dan started slowly working the buttons on Phil’s shirt. “This okay?” 

Phil nodded. “God, yes. Please.” He felt every button slip out of its cotton slot, felt the cool air slowly trickle down his chest, felt Dan’s warm thumb skidding across his skin. His heart tripped over each small touch.

When all the buttons were open, Dan slid his hand under the shirt, onto Phil’s shoulders and shoved the shirt off. Phil worked it off his arms and tossed it to the side. Phil didn’t want to be alone in this, so he grabbed Dan’s t-shirt and yanked it up over his head.

God, Phil loved Dan’s body, narrow and lightly tanned, completely, irresistibly touchable. 

So he didn’t even try to resist. Phil put his hands on Dan’s shoulders and slid them down, down, his fingers rubbing over Dan’s nipples. Dan leaned his head back and let out a high-pitched gasp. He bit his lip, like maybe he’d never meant to make that noise at all. Phil was glad he did. The sounds Dan made electrified him, but, beyond that, they gave him confidence. He was the one drawing sounds like that out of this boy that was far too beautiful to be in his bed.

Phil slid hands around to Dan’s bare back, let his dull nails rake across the skin. He could feel the goosebumps as they rose in his wake. Dan made a deeper, darker noise this time as he leaned forward, pressing a tongue between Phil’s lips, licking a line across the top of Phil’s mouth.

The new force encouraged Phil to scoot back on his bed. To lie down beneath Dan, to let Dan writhe on top of him. He trailed wet, hot kisses down Phil’s neck, sucking hard. Phil couldn’t see the bruises now, but they’d be there tomorrow, evidence of this incredible, impossible moment they were constructing together. 

Through their jeans, Dan’s hard cock pressed against Phil’s. Each kiss and movement brought a thrill of delicious friction. Phil needed more. Needed it now.

He slid his hands down Dan’s sweat-sticky body. His thumb pet over Dan’s navel and Dan’s dark eyes fluttered shut, his mouth parting. Phil nudged their noses together, which made Dan open his eyes again, catch Phil’s gaze. Phil hooked his fingers around the warm metal of the button on Dan’s jeans. 

Phil paused, but said nothing. He might have spent years in university studying words, but at this moment—with Dan—words were a foreign concept, an abstract idea, a nice idea, but not something useful, not something possible. They weren’t something he could use to make sense of how he was feeling.

Dan nodded his permission, almost imperceptibly, but it was there. Phil plucked open the button on Dan’s jeans and began to slowly, so slowly, tug down the zipper. Dan let out a low growl and crushed his mouth to Phil’s.

Hooking his fingers around the top of Dan’s jeans, Phil steadied himself and began to push down. It wasn’t easy. Dan’s jeans were so damn tight and the motion was taking Dan’s boxer-briefs down as well. It was for the best, honestly, that it was happening all at once because Phil wasn’t sure he could gather the courage for a second attempt. He couldn’t shake the fear hissing just below his skin. The fear telling him this wasn’t real, that he’d simply sunk nine miles deep into a fever dream and one wrong move, one wrong thought, would have Dan dissolving beneath Phil’s aching fingers. 

Once Phil worked the clothes down past Dan’s knees, Dan did the rest of the work and kicked his jeans and pants onto the floor, leaving him naked. Completely bare. Phil could see every inch of him—all at once—real and here. This body was no longer processed and filtered and flipped through camera lenses and bad wi-fi connections. It was all here. Flesh and bone and skin—so much skin—begging for Phil’s touch. 

Phil had seen Dan’s cock before—on Skype. But he hadn’t been prepared for it here, for the way it curved up toward his stomach, narrow but long, Pre-come glistening at the tip, dripping off onto the bed. 

“You too,” Dan said and fumbled for Phil’s jeans. “Want to see all of you.”

Phil couldn’t help the grin that curled onto his face or the warmth flipping beneath his ribs as Dan struggled to pull Phil’s jeans off. He kissed his way down Phil’s legs, ignoring his aching dick. Dan licked over Phil’s pale thighs, bit at his kneecaps, kissed a hot line down his shins. He even—goddammit—kissed the top of Phil’s toes as he tugged off the socks.

“Sorry,” Dan said, a little shyly. “Couldn’t resist.”

Phil wasn’t sure how to respond to that, so he just grabbed at Dan’s shoulders until Dan got the idea and slid back up his body to kiss again. The position made Dan’s cock slide against Phil’s and that brief touch alone made all the blood rush out of Phil’s head.

“We didn’t,” Dan breathed against Phil’s mouth. “We didn’t really talk about how we wanted to do this.”

“Hmm,” Phil said because he still wasn’t sure how words worked.

“I don’t…I don’t know how you”—Dan blushed—“want me?”

“Want you,” Phil mumbled, chasing after Dan’s lips again because why had they ever stopped kissing. 

Dan sat back and ran a hand through his hair. He bit his lip. He looked nervous. “But how, Phil?”

Something about how vulnerable Dan looked—scared maybe even—snapped Phil back to reality. “However you want,” Phil said. “We don’t even have to…we can just touch each other or um blow each other?”

Dan shook his head. “No, no. I want to…if you do. Everything, all of it.”

Phil sat up a little, brushing at his fringe out of nervous habit. “Yeah, um, me too.”

“I…I don’t know how to ask this.”

“You can ask anything, Dan. It’s just me.”

“I want…like the last time we were on Skype and you said…”

Phil felt his throat tighten because he’d actually never done this before, but maybe it was good that he and Dan could both have firsts at the same time. “You want to bottom?”

Dan flushed and tucked his head toward his chest. He flopped back on the bed beside Phil. “Don’t say it like that.”

“Why not? How do you want me to say it?”

Dan shut his eyes and let out a tight breath through his lips. He turned over to face Phil.

“Fuck me,” Dan whispered. 

Phil hesitated, blown back by the force of those words. Fuck me. He couldn’t believe Dan—beautiful, intelligent, wonderful Dan—was asking Phil for that. God, he couldn’t remember ever wanting to give someone anything as much as he wanted to give Dan this.

Finally, unstuck from the thoughts in his head, Phil surged forward and kissed Dan’s mouth. Dan made a small, shaking sound against Phil’s lips as Phil rolled on top of Dan’s naked body.

Phil raked his hands through Dan’s hair as he pressed his tongue deeper into Dan’s mouth. He could feel every inch of Dan laid out beneath him, feel his hard cock tucked next to his own. He couldn’t wait any longer and slid his hand between them both. He wrapped his hand around both their cocks and began to jack his hand up and down.

Dan threw his head back and let out a broken gasp. The sound was so loud it startled Phil. He loved it. He absolutely loved it. He was glad they had this house to themselves so Dan could make all the loud noises he wanted. 

“P-phil, slow…slow down.”

Phil immediately let go. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yes. I just fuck I don’t want to come like that.”

“Oh…right….” Phil kissed Dan lightly on the mouth and whispered, “Turn over.”


“Easier that way.”

Dan shook his head. “I want to see you…be able to kiss you.”

Phil smiled, warmth blossoming in his cheeks. “Okay…me too. When we…actually like have sex…but now, when I’m uh stretching you, it’ll be easier.”

“Yeah, okay,” Dan said, voice tight. He let out a long breath and turned onto his stomach.

Phil settled back between his legs and stared at Dan’s long, beautiful body, at the soft curve of his pale ass…it was a few shades lighter than the rest of his body and Phil couldn’t resist reaching out and running his hands over the soft swell. 

Nerves started to prickle across Phil’s skin. He’d had this done to him, but he’d never done it to someone else. Phil had never even been inside someone else before, and a small part of him wished Dan had wanted to top because Dan had at least had some experience and shit Phil was overthinking this again.

“Phil?” came Dan’s quiet voice. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Phil kissed the cleft of Dan’s ass. “You’re perfect.” With that, he reached over and grabbed the bottle of cherry lube from his bedside table. He popped open the cap and he could immediately smell the artificial cherry scent. It wasn’t great, but it was better than the plain stuff.

He squirted a bunch out onto his fingers and warmed the liquid by rubbing it. Then, Phil slid a finger down between Dan’s cheeks and over the dark, warm furl of skin. Phil’s heart picked up speed. He wanted to stop and remember this moment. 

Phil took a deep breath and looked around the room. The light was dim, the room a little shadowy. The bedroom door, with his Kill Bill poster, was cracked open. Their clothes were strewn across an already messy floor. Dan was spread out across his bed, all soft skin and shivers. Dan’s hair was starting to curl slightly from the sweat and heat. He knew Dan didn’t like it, but Phil couldn’t get enough of those soft, dark waves.

“Phil…” Dan’s voice broke through Phil’s thought. “Please touch me.” He raised his ass up a little and Phil couldn’t resist any longer.

Phil pressed gently against Dan’s rim, felt it give easier than he expected as his finger sank just past the nail. The grip was warm and tight and even though it was just Phil’s finger he had to fight against the urge to immediately sink deeper.

Dan hissed.

“How is it?” Phil asked, a little nervous. 

God. Good. Weird.”

Phil’s chest tightened. “Have you not done this to yourself before?”

“Have…sorta…felt different.” Dan squirmed on the bed. “More, Phil.”

Phil let out a shaky breath and pressed the single finger deeper, almost all the way in.

Shit,” Dan whined, and it was a hell of a sound. 


“Phil. God, Phil. Yes.” Dan wriggled back on Phil’s finger. 

The sight was incredible—hard to describe. The sight of Dans body clenching around Phil’s finger, shiny and slick and squeezing.

Phil curled his finger, just a little, searching for the rough rise of his prostate. That bundle of live-wire nerves Phil would find in himself and stroke until he was coming all over himself. He couldn’t immediately find it, and instead, pulled his finger back out and pressed it back in.

Dan arched and let out another gorgeous whine.

Phil wanted to put another finger in, see that hole stretch even wider for him, so he grabbed the lube and squirted quite a bit more onto his fingers. It dribbled off onto the bed and what Phil didn’t lose, he spread across Dan’s hole and pressed that second finger in.

“Fuck, Phil! Shit!” Dan tensed.

“Does it hurt?” Phil felt himself start to panic. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” Dan mumbled. “Hurts a little…I don’t know if it even hurts, it’s just…odd.”

Phil’s throat started to tighten. It hurt? It’s odd? That had mostly been Phil’s experience the first time, though it hadn’t even been fingers. It had just been a really slick cock pressing into a very nervous Phil. It hadn’t been bad just not great…and fuck that was not what he wanted for Dan.

“We don’t have to…I’ll bottom.” Phil started to pull his fingers out and Dan reached back and grabbed his arm.

“Don’t stop. Please, please don’t stop,” Dan said, frantically. “Give me a chance.”

“I just want this to be good for you. I need it to be.”

“It is. I promise. I want it…you…so much. It’s just new. Please, Phil.”

“You’re sure?”

“A hundred percent,” Dan said. “A hundred and ten percent.”

Phil steadied his nerves and pressed his fingers in even deeper. He stretched them apart when he pulled them out more, making Dan hiss. He added even more lube, hoping that would make things better for Dan.

The lube was kind of everywhere at this point, all over the bedding and shimmering on Dan’s thighs, but it made the in and out slide of Phil’s fingers that much easier. He curled them as he was pulling them out and ran his fingers over a rough mound.

“Oh God!” Dan shouted, tossing his head back. “What the fuck?”

“Good?” Phil asked, his hand stilled.

Dan nodded frantically. “Again, again. Please.”

Phil moved his fingers just a little until he found that same spot and he rubbed his two fingers against it.

Dan gasped and thrust down on Phil’s fingers hard. 

“Don’t stop, don’t stop,” Dan muttered as his hands gripped at Phil’s duvet. 

Phil could see Dan’s cock growing rock hard again, just see the small drips of pre-come sliding down his dick. His balls were drawing up tighter against his body, and Phil hadn’t ever seen anything more worth seeing.

“If-if I don’t stop, I think you’ll come.”

Dan let out a throaty growl. “I’m ready, Phil.”

Phil furrowed his brow. “To come?”

Dan shook his head. “No, no. You. Inside me.”

Phil tried to wet his dry mouth as he nodded and slipped his slippery fingers out of Dan’s ass. He settled back and reached back into his nightstand to get the condom. Hands shaking, he tore open the foil packet. He looked down at Dan, as he turned over, breathing heavily, and pulled his knees up a little, showing off his wet thighs, his dark puffy hole. 

Phil had a startling thought to bend down and lick across Dan’s hole, to sooth the redness away with his tongue. Maybe someday he’d do it, but not today. Today, he needed to press himself inside Dan, feel their bodies like one body. 

“You sure?” Phil asked as he began to slide the condom down over his cock.

“More than anything,” Dan said. “You?”

Phil smiled. “Yeah, me too.” He crawled back over Dan’s body and kissed him again. He loved the soft give of Dan’s plush lips, the way they felt between his own. He felt their teeth clack as he kissed as a little too fast, a little too desperate. 

Phil broke away from the kiss, scooted back again and poured more lube onto his cock. Dan pulled his knees up even farther to give Phil that perfect access. 

With his heart pounding frantically, Phil leaned down between Dan’s legs and lined his cock against Dan’s hole. His gaze shot up to Dan, who was staring wide-eyed down at him.

“I’m ready,” Dan said, predicting the question Phil had been about to ask.

Phil gripped one hand into the mattress as he used the other to guide his cock past the first bit of resistance. His dick was quite a bit larger than two of his fingers. 

That first squeeze of Dan around him sent him reeling, his head spinning. A delicious, consuming pressure that had barely just begun. 

Dan’s hands scrambled over Phil’s back and slid into his hair, tugging on the strands. Phil sank in a little more as he leaned down and sucked a bruise onto Dan’s neck. He felt Dan full body shiver beneath him.

Phil felt every single centimeter of hot pressure as he slid the rest of the way inside Dan, until he felt his balls pressed against Dan’s ass.

“You okay?” Phil breathed against Dan’s ear.

“So okay.”

“Tell me when I can move.”

Dan coaxed Phil’s mouth to his own with hot, shaking fingers. It was a light, breathy kiss that made Phil’s head spin. 

“Move, Phil,” Dan breathed. 

Phil nodded, then pulled slowly back out and slid just as slowly back in. Dan let out a loud, deep groan so Phil did it again and again. He didn’t know anything could feel like this, so consuming, so hot, so much like something you’d never want to lose. He had all of Dan right now. It was enough, and yet he wanted more. It was two opposing ideas at once and Phil would just have to find a way to hold them both at the same time.

“More, faster,” Dan begged, and Phil was certain he hadn’t come around to the feeling of being fucked as fast as Dan had managed to. “More, more. Phil.

How could Phil ever say no to that?

He drew in a deep breath, gathered his energy and thrust deeper and harder into Dan. Dan, who was arching off the bed, letting out a chorus of loud, broken noises, and pushing back against Phil like he couldn’t possibly ever get enough of being connected like this. 

Phil kept up his pace as best he could, loving every single second, as he buried his face in the crook Dan’s neck, breathing in the scent of sweat and aftershave, seeing the beginning of the red marks blossoming on Dan’s skin. Dan smelled so good and felt so good and sounded so good. He was so good. He was everything Phil would have dreamed of, if he’d known it was real and out there and waiting for him. 

He wasn’t sure how much longer he could take this. The pressure was too much, the sight too much. Dan’s cock was twitching and leaking all over his stomach—so red it almost looked painful. 

“I can’t…fuck, Dan. You’ve got me too close.”

“Me too…gonna—”

Phil wrapped his hand around Dan’s cock. God, it was hard and hot. Phil squeezed and tugged on it. 

“Right there, right there…” Dan muttered as Phil fucked into him over and over and over…

The heat built and built inside Phil until it was absolutely all he could think about, until he was chasing it down, like he’d starve without it. 

Phil!” Dan shouted. “Oh, God. Phil, Phil.” And Dan was coming, his cock twitching in Phil’s hand as it shot lines of white across Dan’s chest, over his nipples, up to his chin. 

The sight was too much—Dan coming like that, squeezing and tensing around Phil’s cock—it was so much, much too much, and his own orgasm tore through him like a broken dam.

He didn’t even notice until the rush had receded that he was muttering 'Dan' over and over—helpless, little noises against Dan’s ear. 

Dan stroked his back and gently whispered, “I know, I know.”

Phil couldn’t bring himself to pull out of Dan. It just happened as he softened inside him. Eventually, he slipped out and rolled off Dan and onto his back. He chased after oxygen he wasn’t sure he’d ever find. 

“We just had sex,” Dan said.


After a few moments, Dan spoke up, “I’d say it was pretty much the best moment of my life, but you know, I don’t want to come on too strong.”

Phil’s eyes fluttered shut. He was so glad Dan felt like that. So glad he wasn’t alone in whatever this was…this thing that was he starting to think had a name. Maybe something like love.

“That’s funny,” Phil said. “I was thinking the same.”

Dan rolled over and curled into Phil’s chest. He played with the little patch of dark hair on Phil’s sternum. “I never want to leave,” Dan said a little sadly.

Phil pressed a kiss to the top of Dan’s head. “I never want you to.”