Actions

Work Header

Only Forever

Chapter Text

September, 2014

 

Clarke flipped the sign on the gallery to “closed” just as she was making to leave. It’s the first Wednesday of September and apparently the weather thought that meant it was already time to start acting like it was fall, with heavy cold rain pouring down over the city. Clarke let out a deep breath of annoyance as she realized she was without an umbrella, and it’s not her fault because she had checked the weather this morning and the only thing they predicted was bright sunny skies with a high of 80 degrees Fahrenheit.

The weather guys don’t know shit about anything.

Well, there was no point in waiting for it to pass, because when it rains it pours for hours. So the blonde lets out one last breath of annoyance, tucking her phone in her front pocket to guard it from the upcoming onslaught of water about to drench her. She even wore her nice heels today.

Clarke booked it down the street, already having decided before she left that she wouldn’t be going home, instead making a beeline for her best friend’s apartment only a few blocks away. It’s far enough away that it really doesn’t make a different however, as halfway there, just as she’s turning down the alley to shortcut her way there she’s already dripping wet and fucking freezing.

She lets out a chatter breath of relief when she sees the left side of Lexa’s apartment, and rounds the corner, skipping up the small steps and pulling her keys out of her pocket just as she comes face to face with the woman’s front door. She shoves her key into the lock and twists it quickly, struggling to pull the key out because her friend’s door knob is a big wobbly mess.

She pushes the door open and shuts it quickly behind her so that the rain can’t follow her in, even though it had practically already tattooed itself on her skin, she was shaking but was full of relief that Lexa had seemed to ignore the weather man today and had turned her heat on this morning. In fact if Clarke had stopped by this morning with breakfast like she had originally planned Lexa probably would have shoved an umbrella in her hands. She makes a mental note to try and remember that next time.

She knows she’ll forget.

“Clarke,” She hears the brunette call from the living room, probably seated in the same position Clarke had left her the day before. The girl’s current state of mind was not the best and Clarke knew all she could do to help was buy her groceries and visit her often. She’s struggled with Lexa’s struggles for a while. Though this time was certainly the worst she’s ever been and Clarke still doesn’t know what to do about it.

“It’s me; it’s fucking raining Lex,” Clarke grunted her annoyance as she shivered her way down the small narrow hallway, passing the archway toward the kitchen and continuing on into the living room.

“I know.” Lexa was lying on the couch, a small blanket wrapped around her legs up to her waist, as she propped up against the arm of the couch, a long chapter book sat up in her lap, nearly finished, and a mug full of coffee probably sat on the round table behind her. By the excessive amount of sugar packets Clarke knows she’s been there awhile, but really, that’s the only thing untidy about Lexa’s living room at the moment.

“I’m freezing.” Clarke grumbled unhappily as she pulled her phone from her pocket and placed it on the table against the wall beside her as she had entered the room. She put her keys and her purse there too and looked over at Lexa just as she was getting up.

“Here,” Lexa came around the couch and covered her shoulders with the soft blanket that had been around her legs. “I’ll go find you something warm; there are hot chocolate packets in the tub by the Keurig.” Lexa gave Clarke the strongest smile she could manage, which was still pretty weak but Clarke wasn’t about to say anything about it. Lexa always smiled for her as a way to let her know she was going to be okay.

“I’ll have to buy you more; I know they’re almost gone.”

“Only you drink it anyway.” Lexa kissed the side of Clarke’s head and disappeared into her room, leaving the door open enough so Clarke can watch her until she turns enough toward the closet that she isn’t in eyesight.

The blonde turns and goes back around the corner, crossing the archway into the kitchen. It was somewhat of an odd set up, a bar sat on one side, which was the only thing that parted the living room from the kitchen besides the corner wall. But the only way to enter the kitchen was the small archway that leads into the hallway right before you make it to the living room. It wasn’t a big kitchen either, but Lexa kept it as organized and as tidy as everything else.

Clarke turned to face away from the bar, looking at the Keurig and pulling the tub open to grab one of the two remaining hot chocolate packets inside. Just as she was setting it up she saw Lexa enter the kitchen from the corner of her eye and turned her head to look at the brunette.

“Here, I’ll finish it for you.” Lexa held out Clarke’s clothes to her, a soft look on her face as she met Clarke’s eyes but something still there in her gaze, so sad and unable for Clarke to fix. It pained her.

“Lexa, I know you hate this question but… how are you feeling today?” She asked as her hand hovered over the mug she had already pulled out. She stared at Lexa’s face, at her posture, at anything she could to try and get the truest answer she could.

Lexa offers her another weak smile, her fingers reaching up to brush through the side of Clarke’s wet hair, an action she often does normally to comfort herself more than to comfort Clarke. The blonde never minds though. “I’m okay, not great. But I’m okay.”

“Okay.” Clarke takes her clothes from Lexa and moves around her best friend to leave the room, though she stops at the archway to watch the brunette mechanically go through the process of making the hot chocolate just the way Clarke always likes it.

She says nothing else, even though a few things are urging to come out of her mouth. She knows Lexa doesn’t want to hear her encouragements right now; it’s not what she needs. What she needs is for Clarke to understand her, she knows that. Clarke bites her lip, holds back all the things she wants to say to make her feel better and leaves for Lexa’s room to change into a warmer pair of clothes.

It hurts Clarke to see Lexa like this but she knows she will make it through it. She always does, she’s always strong enough to make it through anything, even when she doesn’t think she is. A compliment Clarke very much wishes she could give her right now, but she knows how Lexa is about this stuff so she shoves it into the back of her mind for later.

 

***

           

Lexa manages to convince herself not to groan on the phone as her boss babbled useless information into her ear. She had already made the arrangements a while ago, it wasn’t her fault he had been on vacation for three months and was only just hearing of them. She was thankful when the rant finally ended, as working from home had left her with more paperwork than ever before, which was already piling up on her coffee table.

Perhaps it didn’t help that she kept putting it off, feeling less and less productive with each passing day. She even had The Office on in the background, just to offer some kind of noise though nothing sounded even remotely good… except maybe Clarke, she didn’t mind when Clarke was talking. She figured that was only because Clarke had always had a way with her that nobody else did. Clarke understood her even when she thought she didn’t get her at all.        

Not that she’d ever admit that out loud, she’s not in the business of letting the blonde’s head get too big.

She’s not even halfway through one pile when Clarke comes through her door with a stock pile of groceries, groceries that she didn’t exactly need until the beginning of next month. But Clarke liked shopping for her when she was like this, that’s mainly why she let Clarke do it, it helped the blonde feel helpful, and whatever made Clarke happy actually managed to make Lexa feel something when she was stuck in the state of mind of feeling pretty much nothing.

“If I’d of known you were going to buy the whole grocery store I would have gone with you.” Lexa achieves to tease her, a slight smile gracing her lips that can only ever really be caused by Clarke herself.

“Please, you need to work.” Clarke huffs as she manages to place the eight bags, paper and plastic mixed, onto the bar in the kitchen, so Lexa can still see her from where she sits on the floor, back against the couch with her head turned to admire Clarke as she places everything where it belongs without any direction from Lexa whatsoever.

Lexa reaches over the coffee table, lifting a few papers to grab the remote where it had been buried and presses pause so the program stops emanating noise through the room. Clarke was here now, so she didn’t need it. She only ever used it to keep her from actually losing her mind. “Let me help.” Lexa pulled herself up from the floor and made her way toward the kitchen.

As she was crossing the archway Clarke blocked her way with the fridge door as she was placing in different fruits. “I’ve got it Lex, you get back to work. It’s okay.” Lexa leaned on her tiptoes to peek over the fridge door and see Clarke rummaging through different drawers.

“Are you staying?” Lexa asks, her eyes probably showing more hope in them than she normally likes to let out. But Clarke is always like a breath of fresh air, relief to the ever pressing emptiness that ways on her brain and her heart. Clarke makes her feel everything all at once all the time, and she finds that less scary than feeling nothing at all.

“I don’t know if I can Lex. I’ve got to be at the gallery to supervise.” Clarke shuts the fridge door and turns to Lexa to catch her gaze, the hopeful look having vanished before she really noticed it.

“What you don’t trust Lincoln?” Lexa tips her head to the right, checking over the features of Clarke’s face as she takes in every familiar detail. She’s missed her, even though they haven’t been apart long enough for her to possibly miss her any, she still had.

“No I do, but you know. I’m the boss.” Clarke shrugs and turns back around, crossing the kitchen back to the accumulation of bags so that she can continue unpacking them. Lexa makes her way beside Clarke, helping her, even though Clarke offers her an annoyed look at not listening to her request to stay working.

She was in need of a break anyway. “Please, we can watch your favorite movie.” Lexa uses hers sweetest voice as she places a bag of chips on the bar and hangs the bananas up.

“You hate that movie.” Clarke says with a roll of her eyes.

“But I love you.” Lexa pushes out her lower lip and Clarke chuckles at the sight of it, she takes a plastic bag to the freeze, and effectively cutting off the sight of Lexa’s pouting face.

“You know the sad face makes me weak.” She grumbles but not quite unhappily.

“Yeah I know.” Lexa smiles a bit again, though Clarke’s back is to her and she is unable to see it as she unload the bag she had brought across the kitchen with her. Lexa watches her move a moment before she turns back around and sifts through another bag with mostly canned food.

“How about I come back right after. It’ll be late though, but I suspect you’ll probably be awake.” Clarke comes back by her side and offers a gentle look, one of Lexa’s favorite looks. That look that tells Lexa that she’d never give in to anyone else, that look that makes her feel special. And on days like this, it’s really nice to receive that look.

“I don’t sleep tell nearly six in the morning.”

“And you get up at ten. I know.” Clarke playfully rolls her eyes again and helps Lexa with the canned food.

“My gallery is closer to your place anyway.” Clarke pulls the pantry open and moves across the kitchen for a few more bags holding foods that don’t belong in the fridge.

“So you’ll come back then?” Lexa asks gently.

“Of course, you want me too? I know you prefer to be alone lately.” Clarke only glances at her as Lexa settles her hip against the counter a moment to stare at her friend, watching her mechanical movements as she puts food away that she had bought for her.

“No, I prefer to be with you.” Lexa offers quietly, and lets her fingers tangle together in front of her just as Clarke turns to look at her.

“I know I’ve been a bit busy with the gallery and you’ve had to focus on work, I know I haven’t been here that much this month. I’m sorry.” Lexa hates it when she gives her this look though, this sympathetic guilty look like it’s Clarke’s job to be with her every waking second because she’s not as happy as everyone else.

Clarke is too good and she probably doesn’t’ deserve to have her in her life, but she’ll just appreciate the fact that she does. “Clarke, don’t do that. It’s okay.” Lexa crosses the distance remaining between them to get closer to her best friend, making the blonde stop completely as she pulls her into a hug. “You’re the best, best friend a girl could ask for.” Lexa mumbles into her ear and holds her tight as Clarke sighs sweetly in her ear.

“You’re a big ball of cheese this afternoon.” The blonde chuckles in her arms, but makes no effort to actually part from her embrace, allowing Lexa to hold her and holding her just as tightly back. Times like this always make her feel so very much; she doesn’t know why that is.

Lexa pulls back from Clarke enough to see her pretty blue eyes and shuffles her fingers through the side of Clarke’s hair gently, watching the blonde’s eyes flutter slightly the way they always do when Lexa touches her like this. She wonders if the blonde even knows she does it. “Clarke.” She lets out a little sigh. “I only feel when I’m with you.” She admits despite the voices in her head that scream at her not to ever do something like that. It’s hard not to tell Clarke how she’s feeling every time she’s feeling it, but she hates making Clarke bare her burdens.

Sometimes however, it is impossible for her not to slip up.

The blonde stared at her a moment, a small and sad smile gracing her pretty lips as she pulled Lexa closer into her body so that the brunette could feel her heart beating against her own. “Guess I’ll have to stick around than.” The blonde smiles contagiously, pressing a kiss at the corner of the brunette’s mouth so Lexa smiles a bit as well, making a shaky breath release itself from the brunette’s lungs. Clarke lets her go and continues to put stuff away and Lexa falls into silence as she helps her finish up.

 

***

 

October, 2014

 

“Here Lex, I got your coat.” Clarke reaches her hand out as the door shuts behind the brunette girl, who stands a bit taller than her when Clarke isn’t wearing her heels.

Lexa looks at her a moment as if to contemplate whether she wants to be the one to take the coats or not but seems to give in to the idea of letting Clarke do it after a moment and places her jacket in Clarke’s arm. “Thank you.” She says politely and Clarke gives her that big brilliant smile that she knows Lexa seems to like. It always relaxes her shoulders and melts away the remaining tension. It’s not a long lasting effect, it always comes back, but it does its job for now anyways.

The blonde makes her way to the coat rack as Lexa passes her to greet Anya and Raven who seemed to have dispersed in separate rooms, Anya to the kitchen to finish cooking the meal they’d be eating, and Raven to the dining room to set the table, a pretty common occurrence on dinner nights like this. So it’s unsurprising really.

Clarke eventually makes her way to the dining room to help Raven, greeting her friend with a hug and an offer to help, though she wonders what they’ll be having to eat and almost escapes the dining room to find out, maybe get Lexa to sneak her a bite, something they’re very good at doing as well at these things, something Anya and Raven have always gotten mad at them for.

She’s just about to leave when Raven seems to bring up the topic Clarke had been hoping she’d avoid. “Lexa’s really bad.” She says it as she places a plate down on a mat across the table, and Clarke looks up at her with her eyebrow raised as she sets silverware next to the plate she had just set down.

“Please don’t bring that up in front of her.” She says it kind of harshly, and she doesn’t mean to exactly it just comes out protective and all at once because that’s how Clarke is with Lexa. She takes care of her, she wants to protect her, she wants to protect her from her own darkness but she can’t really do that. She can at least protect her from uncomfortable conversations.

“I’m just worried about her. I’ve never seen her so… sad.” Raven has that pity look in her eye, a small frown on her face as she explains and all Clarke can do at first in response is to sigh. Raven is right, she’s sad, very sad, a lot sadder than she had really experienced and it was lasting a really long time. It never truly goes away of course but it has never quite been like this before. Clarke just hates that she can’t do anything to help her.

“She’s… okay. I mean, she’s not great or even fine, and I’m not sure okay is the right word but it’s the one she uses. She’s seeing a therapist and they’re trying to prescribe her some new medication but Lexa’s funny about taking it.” Clarke shrugs and adjusts the napkin the silverware is on, even though it’s already perfectly straight.

“Is she still working?” Raven asks gently.

“Yeah, she’s doing it from home which isn’t ideal, but she’s still doing it. Sometimes she just needs some time and patience. She’ll get through this.” Clarke says it confidently because she has to be confident about it. Because Lexa needs someone to believe in her at every corner, even with Raven giving her that worried look at that sets her on edge.

“I’m just worried. I never knew it could get this bad, Anya says she’s seen it once but it’s never lasted this long.” Clarke remembers hearing of it, she had been away that summer and Lexa had apparently snapped out of it by the time she as back, but she witnessed some over phone calls.

“She’s going to be okay. She’s already doing a bit better; I think she’s coming out of it. She’s talking to me about it a bit, which is better than last month.” She thinks about Lexa’s eyes when she said that stuff about her feeling only with her and her heart does a funny fast speed chase in her chest for a moment, she isn’t sure why but she is sure that it has all to do with wanting to help Lexa.

“What did she say?”

“She said…” Clarke takes in a deep breath and stops doing what she had been doing as if she needs to be still to remember it, but she could probably remember that moment with every distraction in the world. Looking up at her friend who seems entirely too focused on having every dish be as straight as possible, probably for Anya’s benefit because she could be weird about that kind of thing. “She said she only feels things when she’s with me, what do you think that means?” She’s still somewhat confused when she thinks about it, so of course she asks, even if she already slightly knows what Raven’s going to say to her and she certainly doesn’t want to hear that.

Raven snorts as if Clarke is joking but when she doesn’t hear Clarke laughing with her she manages to look up. “You’re kidding right?” She asks with disbelief written all over her face, a fork hanging out of her hand as she makes a gesture that’s almost laughable.

Clarke can’t manage to laugh as she furrows her brows at her friend. “No? Why would I be kidding?” Especially at a time like this, with such a serious thought and the memory of Lexa saying it to her so freshly at the forefront of her memory.

“You can’t tell me you have no idea what that means.” Raven’s tone is full of disbelief. She only stares at Clarke some more until the blonde grows a bit uncomfortable and again starts to fiddle with the napkin that had the silverware on it, adjusting it, un-adjusting it, adjusting it again.

She searches her mind for something to say, and comes up with the same thing she always says. “Well, I know I’m her best friend. She’s always been the most comfortable with me and I always make her feel as safe as I can and I take care of her and,”

“No Clarke. It’s not because of any of that.” Raven rolls her eyes. “You seriously are going to pretend you have no idea why Lexa would say something like that to you?” Raven looks like she’s about to throw herself across this table and smack her over the head with the last remaining plate in her hand.

Clarke releases a huff. “Stop it. You’re acting like it’s tattooed on her forehead.” She snaps a little too loudly and Raven’s eyes practically bulge out of her head as if that’s exactly what she’s trying to say.

“That she’s in love with you? Because yes, yes it is.” Clarke nearly flinches as she says it because of course she’s going this route. She’s been at it for a few months now, since Lexa’s birthday and Clarke really doesn’t get why she started it up really in the first place. It’s mainly annoying because Lexa has a lot of reasons for saying the things she does and not everything she says to Clarke is going to be because she’s in love with her. Clarke just thinks her friend is absolutely ridiculous by this point.

Now at least it was her turn to laugh. “In love with me? Raven, she’s my best friend. It’s not like that between us at all, you know that.” She says it sternly despite the laugh she had bubbled out. It’s meant to end the conversation, to put a stop to Raven’s wandering thoughts but of course it doesn’t. Nothing stops Raven.

“You’re an idiot; it is most definitely like that.” Raven rolls her eyes and moves around the dining table to set her last plate and silverware down neatly, just the way Anya likes.

Clarke glares at her. “I thought you were kidding when you said that to me on her birthday. And when you kept bringing it up after I just figured it was because you knew it annoyed me.” She shakes her head which only makes Raven roll her eyes yet again.

“No. I’m dead serious. She’s in love with you and you are most definitely in love with her.” Her tone is far too full of confidence in that notation that it almost turns Clarke’s stomach, in a way that she can’t exactly figure out why it necessarily would. All she knows is that it does.

“That’s actually gross. We’ve known each other since we were six, she’s practically my sister.” Clarke argues, an argument she fears will get recycled if Raven keeps on insisting on this line of thinking.

“But she’s not your sister, and she never has been.” Clarke doesn’t like the suddenly sincere look in Raven’s eyes, like she’s trying to help Clarke accept whatever feelings she’s talking about them possibly having for each other.

She is fed up with it. “Stop it.” Clarke rolls her eyes and finds herself chuckling again. “That’s so ridiculous. This must be Anya’s fault. You’re all in love and gooey with your best friend so now you’re seeing things that aren’t there.” She explains it more for herself, more to give herself a reason why Raven is so set in stone on this thought in her head that Lexa and her belong together. There has to be a reason other than the fact that they are right?

“You’re in denial.” Raven’s got that agitated tone to her voice that always irks a bit on Clarke’s nerves.

“I am not, you’re being gross.” She snaps.

“Am I?” Raven smirks. “You remember why I brought it up on her birthday right, because drunken Clarkey was obsessing about her best friend’s mouth.” Clarke blushes before she can stop herself and immediately looks away from Raven, anywhere but at her smug looking face.

“She had really nice lipstick on, lipstick that was like fifty dollars a bottle. That wasn’t anything other than that.” She says rather convincingly, though she can’t fully remember why she had been talking about Lexa’s mouth at all and she’s of course not about to dwell on it, but that’s an obvious reason, it must be the only reason. It was a really nice shade on her.

“Sure, whatever princess.” Clarke cringes a bit at the nickname, knowing Raven’s only used it because she hates it.

“I hate it when you call me that.” She grumbles, crossing her arms across her chest and heading toward the archway exit.

“Another thing you actually secretly love but you pretend you don’t.” Raven sings to her as she nearly crosses the threshold.

“You’re an asshole. I’m going to visit Anya. You can finish this by yourself.” Clarke sticks her tongue out at her best friend as she leaves the dining room. Raven only offers her an eye-roll.

 

***

 

“You don’t look your best.” Anya slides a plate of some of the cooked chicken that was supposed to be mixed in with the pasta across the counter. Pieces she specifically set aside for Lexa to snack on while she visited her when she was finishing cooking, a routine they still remembered from being roommates earlier on before Anya had moved out and into a new apartment with her girlfriend Raven.

“I’m not my best.” Lexa mutters honestly, grabbing a piece and popping it into her mouth, humming slightly at the flavor though a piece of her felt like spitting it out do to it not quite being as satisfying as it normally is. She hops up on the counter next to the plate, swinging her feet as she focuses more on the cooked chicken on the separated plate than on Anya’s eyes that examine her features so thoroughly, as if everything Lexa feels, or doesn’t feel, is screaming out to her.

“Have you found new meds yet?” She asks with a quiet serious tone. A tone so Anya that Lexa’s sure no one else can ever replicate it, even if they tried.

“We’re testing this one right now. It’s okay. I’m here.” Lexa shrugs and pops another piece of chicken into her mouth, frowning as the flavor still isn’t quite what she would like it to be. She’s sure it’s just her, just her and this low, tired, lifeless feeling that sits in her chest day in and day out.

“Clarke made you come, and you do anything for her.” Anya sighs a bit and so does Lexa, in almost the exact same way.

“I’m trying not to worry her I just…” Lexa tangles a hand through her hair before she meets Anya’s eye-line. “I don’t feel anything. Nothing. This chicken, doesn’t even taste like anything.” Anya frowns but she doesn’t speak up as Lexa continues, clearly unfinished. “But the worst part is I feel everything when she’s with me. It’s the only time I feel. I don’t. I can’t tell her that, at least not in those exact words, especially when I can’t explain it myself. I just.” Lexa shrugs, and eats another piece of chicken. “I don’t know how to say that without her thinking she has to drop everything and be by my side all the time because that’s not what I want. She doesn’t need to take care of me.” She does it enough. Always by her side, buying her groceries, trying to make her laugh, encouraging her to leave the house, listening to her when she manages to talk about this, going with her to certain doctors’ appointments. She does enough and Lexa can’t place any more pressure on the one person that’s more important to her than anything else in the entire world.

“She does have a habit of putting your needs above her own.” Anya snorts as if the reason is obvious but Lexa ignores her, having heard this conversation before many, many times, for many, many years. She’s not about to encourage Anya to hash into it again, it’s only ever stressful.

“If I said that to her you know she’d practically move into my apartment. She’d take time off work, and she really can’t do that right now with the opening coming up.” She shakes her head, pulling another piece of chicken apart rather than eating it this time, avoiding eye contact.

“You do realize why you feel that way right?” Anya asks with a slight rise to her eyebrow, her tone soft and questioning. A tone Lexa doesn’t hear much so she looks up.

With her thoughts still on all the things Clarke does for her, and all the things Clarke will do for her if she knows exactly how Lexa feels around her, she simply asks a question she should already know the answer too, or at least, Anya’s answer too. “What do you mean?”

“You are massively depressed right now, but you only feel when she’s with you. You get that right? I don’t have to spell it out for you.” Lexa can feel the slight boil of her blood that accompanies this common conversation.

She doesn’t want to get into this but Anya has a way of always bringing it up. “What are you talking about? I’ve known her since I was six; she’s always taken care of me. That’s why.” She states firmly, hoping Anya will have mercy just this once and drop it before it starts.

But of course she wouldn’t, that’s just not quite Anya. “That’s not why Lexa. I’ve said it a thousand times. You’re completely in love with her.” She huffs like it’s the most stressful situation for her alone and Lexa can’t stop the eye roll that comes automatically because of the statement.

“I am not.” Lexa snorts like it’s amusing but a smile, not even a slight lift of her lips, manages its way across her face.

Anya only looks at her like she’s dumb. “You’re both ridiculous. You’ve been in love forever.” She sounds exasperated just thinking about it and Lexa wonders how she could possibly feel any stress around this situation when it’s always her feelings Anya is assuming and talking about.

“That’s gross Anya, she’s practically my sister.” She says for the millionth time.

“But she isn’t.” Anya replies for the millionth time.

“You’ve been pestering me about this for three years. When are you going to give it a rest?”

“When you’re honest with me and with yourself.” Anya points at her before she finishes up the dish, placing the lid over it to preserve the heat.

Lexa’s just about to respond with her normally irritation at this topic and Anya’s “I know best” attitude when Clarke appears at the threshold. “You need to control your girlfriend Anya.” Clarke grumbles as she waltzes into the kitchen, immediately hopping up onto the counter right beside Lexa and resting her head on the girl’s shoulder. A small twist in atmosphere and Lexa feels like she can actually taste the food in her mouth.

“Trust me, that’s impossible.” Anya chuckles and finishes up, placing the pot on a tray and grabbing the cheese and pepper as well. “Now that you’re both in here, Clarke grab the bread, Lexa get the salad.” She motions vaguely before picking up the tray and making her way to the exit of the kitchen.

“Yes ma’am.” Clarke salutes her as she sits up straight along the counter before hopping off and doing as she’s told, Lexa following not far behind her with a slight admiring smile on her mouth. Suddenly forgetting what Anya had originally annoyed her about.

 

***

 

Clarke breezes into Lexa apartment with a box of her favorite pizza that she had sweetly requested over the phone when Clarke was on her way over. The place she likes to get the pizza is just across the street from her apartment, but Clarke knows for Lexa, socializing and leaving her house was a bit more difficult right now than it normally was, so she of course did this for her.

“Lexa,” She calls lightly throughout the room, balancing the box on her hip as she locks the door behind her. When she turns in the hallway she jumps about ten feet in the air, sucks in a deep breath as she comes rather close to the brunette. Her eyes a bit greener than they normally are, a bit watery, enough that Clarke has to ignore the desire to immediately pull her into her arms to try and take the pain she feels away from her. “Jesus Christ, you scared the shit out of me.” She breathes, eyes examining each detail of Lexa’s face as she tries to establish her mood.

“I’m sorry.” Lexa steps into her space, enough that Clarke hits the door behind her, an automatic abnormal spike to her heart rate as she studies the seriousness to her friend’s face. Something about the moment is thinning like some kind of thread that Clarke doesn’t fully understand. Lexa’s eyes drop from her own, maybe to her mouth, but Clarke doesn’t know why. She just knows she’s breathing too loudly and has to think to remember how to do it properly. “Did you get my favorite?” Lexa asks in a quiet tone that almost doesn’t sound like her.

Clarke’s heart clenches tightly in her chest. “Yes.” She mumbles breathlessly at first. She clears her throat, shaking her head. “Yes.” She says clearer, inserting the pizza box between them to create some much needed space. “Only pepperoni, picky.” She tries to tease but her voice is still shaky and it affects her tone audibly.

“They always get it nice and crispy around the edges.” Lexa says quietly; taking the box from Clarke’s hands and making her way down the hallway toward her living room.

Clarke watches her leave, relaxing against the door as her heart rate settles down, unwilling to question why it had done that and where all of that had come from. She’s just got Raven in her head, that’s all it is. Lexa looks so sad today, she’s just concerned.

She can think of a thousand excuses.

None of them make sense.

So she stops thinking at all.

She makes her way down the hallway a few moments later and rounds into the room to plop onto the couch right next to her best friend, who has the pizza box open in her lap, a slice already between her hands as she chews on the piece. “Does that solve your craving problems?” Clarke teases lightly as Lexa shakes her head.

“Chocolate.” She mumbles around a bite of pizza. She looks at Clarke so softly that Clarke isn’t sure how to quite respond right away. Lexa like this, even when she’s upset or sad is not something she sees often. She painfully aware that her condition has made her feel weak in and of itself and she knows it’s her job to keep Lexa’s hope alive.

“The ice cream kind huh?” She watches Lexa chew the pizza and eventually nod her head cutely as she seems to understand what Clarke has said.

“Yeah.” Her voice is weak and tiny and in a sense adorable. But Clarke’s heart hurts more every time she hears it.

Lexa hates sounding like this, Clarke knows she does. “The only time you ever eat it. Lucky for you I bought some just for this occasion.” Clarke smiles at her but Lexa doesn’t seem to notice as she wraps herself in the flavor of the greasy pizza in her hands.

“Monthly occasion.” Lexa offers up more words, but her voice is still stiff and quiet and sad. Clarke wants to wrap her up in her arms and hold her but she knows right now physical contact isn’t exactly what Lexa might want right away. She has to let Lexa decide when she’s in this kind of mood.

“Yes, and this is why I buy you chocolate ice cream monthly, eat your pizza first and then I’ll get you some.” She knows she’ll probably end up getting her some before she’s even finished with the pizza.

“I can get it.” Lexa tells her as she slumps back into the couch, her voice still weaker than normal.

“No I’ll get it for you. What are you watching?” Clarke slumps into the cushion as well, eyes finally on the television that was playing some sort of documentary that Clarke had no idea what was. Of course Lexa was watching it; she had a thing for these kinds of shows.

“This documentary on the Safaris in Africa,” Lexa’s tone is nearly bored as she says it, Clarke almost wants to laugh at just hearing it, but she knows it’s not because she’s actually bored so she doesn’t.

Instead she just says, “Hmm that sounds boring.”

“It’s not.” Lexa nudges the box of pizza in her lap over so Clarke will grab a slice, her eyes barely leaving the television.

Clarke does before breaking her gaze from the television and admiring Lexa’s side profile as she decides on a new topic, something to get her talking and to get her mind off of everything that she’s currently thinking about. “You know, I didn’t know Anya was pushing the same conversation on you that Raven always pushes on me.”

“What?” Lexa turns her head toward Clarke now, meeting her gaze with a curious raise of her right eyebrow. It’s adorable.

“The one where they live in a fictional universe about us being in love.” She further explains in hopes to get Lexa to crack even the smallest of smiles. It doesn’t exactly work, but it does add some amusement to her gaze that hadn’t been there before.

“Oh yeah, did you hear that?” Lexa looks sheepish as she glances at her best friend.

The blonde nods once, and bites into her piece of pizza. “I heard the end of it, after I was leaving the same conversation from the dining room.” She admits, a slight irritation surfacing at the memory. At least Lexa is going to understand that Raven is crazy, since Anya is apparently just as crazy.

“I didn’t know Raven was pushing that on you too.” Lexa’s eyes are back on the documentary, but she’s listening to Clarke. She always is, even when she feels like this. Something about that makes Clarke feel warm as much as it makes her feel sad that she can’t fix it for her.

“Must be a conspiracy they have together.” Clarke tries again for a smile but she doesn’t succeed, Lexa only nods cutely, biting further into her piece of pizza that’s nearly gone now. She’s getting ready to toss the crust aside and focus on a new piece.

“They’re so in love they think everybody is.” Lexa responds with and eye roll, tossing the crust in the pizza box and picking up a new piece of pizza that she takes a bigger bite of than she had with the other one. Like her appetite is slowly getting bigger the more she eats rather than the opposite. It’s almost funny, but Clarke doesn’t laugh.

“It’s actually disgusting isn’t it?” Clarke wrinkles up her nose, making a face as Lexa looks at her in another attempt to get Lexa to laugh.

“Yes.” Lexa chuckles slightly when she glances at her and Clarke’s heart warms immediately. It’s an actual chuckle, and it brings up Clarke’s spirits hearing the lovely sound. She never realizes how much she misses it during the day until she talks to Lexa and she can coax one out of her. She has such a beautiful giggle, Clarke’s chest is suddenly feeling tighter, as if there’s not enough room for her own heart. She smiles slightly at Lexa, placing her half eaten piece of pizza back in the box.

“What if we mess with them?” Clarke pushes her eyebrows up and down and for some reason Lexa chocks on her piece of pizza like whatever Clarke had just said was complete lunacy.

Coughing she looks over at Clarke. “How so?”

Clarke almost laughs. “I’ll get you water.” She hops up from the couch and instead of rounding around the corner like Lexa always requests she sticks too; she hops up onto the bar and slides across it into the kitchen.

“Clarke!” Lexa has that scolding tone she gets every time but Clarke doesn’t know if that’s for sliding across the bar or because she didn’t answer her question right away.

“I’m thinking,” Clarke calls loudly as she grabs a water bottle from the fridge. “That one day we’ll just arrive and act like a couple and freak them out.” Clarke walks around the archway back into the living room.

Lexa’s eyes are wide as Clarke hands her the bottle of water. “No, that plan would most definitely backfire, and you know it. Imagine that getting back to my dad.” Her voice has more life to it, sounds more like Lexa as she takes the water bottle from Clarke and opens it up.

“Oh my god, he’d have a heart attack, you’re right.” Clarke sighs and moves around Lexa to collapse into the couch cushion next to her again.

“He’s been pushing me to be with you since you came out as bisexual freshmen year of college to your mom, remember. He’s as bad as Anya but he’s more fragile.”

“Ah yes, my mother isn’t on the same page unless they’re in the same room.” Clarke chuckles and smiles a bit more as she notices a slight upward quirk to Lexa’s lips. At least she can do this much for her. At least she can buy her favorite pizza and get her ice cream and making her smile a little. That’s more than most people can do.

“Yes, and the last thing we need to do, is add to the list of people that are sticking their noses in our friendship.” Lexa takes a large bite of her piece of pizza after she says it, like that solidifies what she has said and makes it final.

“Very true, it would have been fun though.” Clarke pretends to pout as Lexa looks at her and is relieved to see that it has the desired effect, bring about more life to Lexa’s movements and a glimmer in her eyes.

“We’ll think of something better. I mean they’re both insane, so this requires retaliation.” Lexa has a determined look on her face as she finishes off the second piece of pizza she had eaten, placing the box on the coffee table in front of her, on top of the piles and piles of papers still littered across the glass.

“Every time I say we’re practically sisters Raven’s all,”

“But you’re not?”

“Yes!” Clarke grumbles as Lexa guzzles some water. “Though I guess we can’t be too mad, we would make a pretty hot couple.” Clarke winks at her playfully and is rewarded with a light pink brush making its way across her best friend’s face.

Lexa chuckles again, a real chuckle, longer and louder than the one before. “Right.” Lexa shakes her head and looks at Clarke, a small smile rushing across her lips. “I would be lucky to have you, but you wouldn’t be so lucky when it comes to me.” She pokes Clarke’s cheek playfully but her smile turns a bit sadder as she seems to think about what she had just said.

Clarke’s heart plummets. “What are you talking about crazy?” Clarke bumps her shoulder into Lexa’s. “I would be the fucking luckiest girl alive.” She doesn’t hesitate to reassure her, even though Lexa isn’t asking for the assurance. Clarke would give it to her any time, any day because Lexa should know how wonderful she is, how lucky Clarke is now to have her in her life, even when she’s sad and down and feeling so terrible she doesn’t want to wake up, Clarke can’t imagine spending her life with anyone else.

She doesn’t quite say that, but it doesn’t stop it from being true.

Lexa rolls her eyes. “You’re supposed to say that.”

“As your friend, it is my legal obligation to be absolutely honest with you all the time. And honestly, Lexa you’re beautiful and smart and you have a fucking amazing sense of humor. I would be the lucky one.” Clarke doesn’t feel like she’s lying. She isn’t lying because if anyone doesn’t deserve anyone here, Clarke doesn’t deserve her. Lexa really will never know how special she really is.

Lexa rolls her eyes but a small blush creeps its way up her neck, littering her cheeks before she can stop it. “So we’d both be lucky, settle it at that. Go get the ice-cream.” She demands, maybe feeling less in the mood for mushy and more in the mood for documentaries and stuffing her own face.

“Yeah right, you’re going to do that gross thing you always do on your period and bite the pizza and then the ice cream at the same time and I don’t want to watch that today.” Clarke wrinkles up her nose again in that way that can sometimes get Lexa to smile, and seeming how she’s suddenly on a streak with Lexa smiles it manages to work.

“Guess I’ll get it myself.” Lexa shrugs, and makes to get up, though Clarke knows exactly what she’s doing.

Lexa knows she won’t have to get up. “Fine!” Clarke pushes Lexa back down onto the couch. “So bossy, big cranky grumpy pants, I’ll get it for you, you gross.” Clarke grumbles playfully making Lexa laugh more and she can’t stop the smile on her mouth as she hears it, making her way to the kitchen and savoring that lovely sound.

 

***

 

November, 2014

 

Lexa is shivering in the night air, the sun having gone down an hour ago as the stars showed up. She could hardly make them out with so many city lights to drown them out. She thinks about retreating to her car, going back home, telling Clarke she just can’t make it over, or begging her to come over to her house, but it’s too cold for Clarke to walk and since Clarke doesn’t have a car, Lexa is stepping up the small steps to her door.

She’s just pulling out her key when the door opens, Clarke’s friend Octavia stepping outside from the warmth of Clarke’s home that Lexa can feel the moment the door opens. She looks almost shocked to see Lexa standing there, and in a much more real sense, maybe not super happy about it. She never did really like her anyways.

The feeling is mutual. “Lexa, how nice to see you.” A lie, a solid lie with a fake smile stretching across her mouth that churns Lexa’s stomach in the most unpleasant of ways. But no matter how little interest Lexa had in even acknowledging Octavia’s existence she did anyways because they both had promised Clarke long ago that they would always make an effort to be civil, even when she wasn’t around.

“Hi Octavia.” Lexa smiles, but its fake and forced. Lexa thinks it’s almost painful to wear on her lips, especially when she has such little interest in pleasantries.

“I was only stopping by for my brother.” Octavia tells her even though she lacks interest completely in Octavia’s whereabouts.

She doesn’t like the way the girl is looking at her, but that could just be in her head as well. Socializing with anyone that isn’t Clarke tends to do this to her. “Oh?” She pretends to sound curious, but she doesn’t really care.

Octavia’s smile is unnatural and Lexa almost wants to ask her why she’s even bothering. “He’s quite interested in Clarke, and Clarke seems to like him so.” She shrugs and Lexa just stares at her a moment, comprehending what she’s said to her.

Octavia’s here to hook up Clarke with who? Her brother? She has a brother? Why the hell didn’t she know about this before? And what the hell does anything related to Octavia want to date Clarke for? “Who’s your brother again?” Lexa doesn’t mean to ask it so bitterly, but it does come out that way.

Octavia’s smirk seems to widen, Lexa doesn’t know why. “You know him; you met him last Christmas, at the party Clarke threw at her house.” She seems to nod at the house behind her as if that will help refresh Lexa’s memory.

It takes Lexa a moment but eventually she is able to place whom Octavia is talking about. “Oh, the curly hair guy?”

Octavia claps her hands together with a nod. “That would be him, anyways; I have to be getting to work now. See you later Lexa.” She waves, walking past Lexa without another word and the brunette is sure she is happy to get away from her as happy as Lexa is for her to be leaving.

Lexa rolls her eyes when Octavia can’t see her, but offered the girl a wave when she looked back. After the exchange was over, Lexa rushed into the warmth and safety of Clarke’s home, shutting the door behind her and locking out the cold along with recent obnoxious pleasantries she has to make with people she doesn’t even care about.

Was he nice? Lexa couldn’t remember. She had said hello to him, she had shaken his hand, but that’s the last thing she remembers of him. She couldn’t even remember his name. Something with an L maybe, or was it a B? She pulled her heavy coat off and hung it on the rack on the wall by the door, walking past the entryway into the living room, where Clarke was sat fiddling on her phone, though she looked up and smiled at Lexa when she entered.

“You’re going on a date?” Lexa seems to blurt out before she can really think about it. The thought is unsettling, for reasons she isn’t quite sure of. Clarke doesn’t date very often, she’s very picky and particular about that kind of thing and most grow jealous of Lexa after a while so she kind of has the right to be so picky.

Of course, on Lexa’s better days she teases her about it, and maybe if Lexa was feeling better now she’d even tease her about her first date in nearly six months. But she isn’t quite in that kind of mood right now. In fact, Clarke going on a date is so unsettling she can’t even seem to smile about it. “How did you already hear about that?”

Why do her eyes look so much bluer when she says that? Her tone even softer, her hair cascading down her back and looking so soft and why is it so hard to look away from her right now? Why didn’t she go on a date with Octavia’s brother before after the amount of time she’s known Octavia? “Octavia, at the door.” Lexa motions with a head movement toward Clarke’s entryway but doesn’t take her eyes off of the blonde.

“No I’m not going on a date. He is cute though.” Clarke looks back down at her phone, seeming to focus extremely hard on whatever was on the screen, her finger moving against it as her eyebrows furrow. Everything about the way her features scrunch up in concentration is suddenly mesmerizing and Lexa wonders what the hell is wrong with her today.

“Octavia said you were interested.” Lexa tries not to let her voice waver but it manages to do so anyway. She doesn’t know what’s wrong with her.

“I called him cute once, she thinks that’s interested.” Clarke didn’t even look up; in fact, she seemed even half tuned out of the conversation.

Lexa couldn’t help but not let the subject drop. For some reason it was bothering her, so as she round around the couch and lifted Clarke legs so that she could sit next to her, bringing her legs back down so they lay across Lexa’s lap, she gave Clarke as serious of a look as she could muster, though Clarke doesn’t even seem to notice, so focused on her phone. “What’s his name?” Her tone is stiffer, a bit harder than before which she thinks is good, better than having it waver nervously for no reason.

“Bellamy, you met him once.” Clarke still doesn’t look up from her phone.

“Yeah, but I didn’t know you’d be dating him so I didn’t bother to remember it.” Her tone is too harsh; she mentally scolds herself since she isn’t exactly quite sure what she’s so upset about. If Clarke wants to date a Blake, Clarke can date a Blake. It doesn’t matter, as long as she’s happy and if she goes on a date it must be because that person makes her happy because she’s picky and wouldn’t just date someone to date someone.

“I’m not going to date him Lex,” Clarke looks up from her phone to examine the features of her best friend’s face. “You’re feeling all kinds of things tonight aren’t you. Jealous I’m going to replace you?” Clarke’s smirk is wide when Lexa rolls her eyes at her. There’s a teasing to her tone and Lexa can admit that she doesn’t mind the sudden attention Clarke is placing on her.

Maybe it’s not quite jealousy, maybe it’s something else. Jealous isn’t the right word… right? “How could you replace me? Who else would put up with you?” Lexa decides to let the situation slide, smiling as she takes in Clarke’s smirk. She already feels a bit better than she had before she got here and is satisfied with her decision in coming.

“Good question.” Clarke sets her phone on the arm of the couch behind her before sitting up enough to slide into Lexa’s lap, and placing her arms around her best friend’s neck. “I’m so blessed to have such a tolerating best friend.” Clarke leans in closer to her and Lexa backs up a bit glaring at her.

“Don’t do it. I know what you’re doing.” She tries to sound menacing and full of warning but Clarke has never ever been scared of her.

“But you love it.” She practically sings and Lexa automatically starts fighting her grasp.

“I do not. Clarke!” Clarke grabs Lexa’s face and plants kisses on her cheek, kiss after kiss as Lexa tries to squirm away from her, squeaking and complaining as she turns her head away from Clarke, but in the wrong direction, revealing the un-kissed cheek. Lexa doesn’t notice at first, wiping her cheek off on her shoulder as if Clarke had planted the optimal amount of germs on her, only for the blonde to attack the unattended cheek, making Lexa squeak and try and get out of her friend’s grip, though Clarke had planted her weight on Lexa to keep her in place. “Stop it!”

“I love you.” Clarke tells her in an innocent high pitched sing-song voice that Lexa would adore if she wasn’t being so annoying. “You know you’re my favorite girl Lexie Lex.” Clarke caresses the skin on her neck as she plants another kiss on her cheek and Lexa squirms away from her.

“You’re gross.” Lexa complains her arms finally free from where Clarke had trapped them against their bodies. She wipes at her cheeks dramatically, trying to peel the exchange off before throwing Clarke off of her, making the blonde land beside her with a small huff.

“Just say you love me too, or here comes round two.” Clarke holds up two fingers and wiggles them as she stares at Lexa, and the brunette know she’s fully willing to annoy her some more.

“No, how dare you.” Lexa begins to pout, but not an ounce of her pout is working this time on the blonde the way it normally does.

“Say it.” Clarke warns, giving her a look that makes Lexa’s stomach flip.

“How anyone thinks I’m in love with you, I have no idea.” Lexa grumbles, crossing her arms along her chest in a slight pout as Clarke mimics her expression, resting her head on her best friend’s shoulder as she looks up at her through her eyelashes.

Lexa tries to resist looking at her but she can’t seem to do it. “Say it.”

“I love you.” Lexa grumbles, but it’s enough and Clarke beams up at her. The blonde throws her arms back around Lexa, plants one last unnecessary kiss on her cheek before she bolts up from her seat to head toward the kitchen.

“I will share my pie with you now.” She calls happily as she disappears.

Lexa only snorts. “Sounds dirty.”

“Shut up.” Lexa chuckles as she grabs Clarke’s remote off the coffee table, clicking it on.

 

***

 

Thanksgiving, 2014

 

Clarke sits through a thanksgiving dinner full of family members that don’t like each other. Most of them toss back and forth passive aggressive comments and silent judgments. There’s never a moment of peace and if her mother had the courage, she’d stop inviting them home. Her grandmothers hated each other with fire in their veins and Clarke was never aware of the story why, but she does know that it clearly has something to do with her mother and father’s relationship. If her father was still alive thanksgiving would be much better. He had a way of making things easy, even when they were at their hardest.

It’s probably halfway through the dinner when Clarke has snuck off to the kitchen to fill two plates full of her mother’s thanksgiving cooking, filling the plates extremely full, so full that there’s no way she’d even finish all of one in one sitting. She escapes unnoticed, as the tension of her family has spiraled enough to place her in the shadows. She’s looking forward to missing the time of the evening where they judge Clarke’s art career and her grandmothers go back and forth about which parent gave Clarke false dreams. She far too old to deal with it, she was at sixteen as well, when this tradition of filling up plates and sneaking off up to her childhood roof had become a thing.

She pushes her bedroom window open and sets the wrapped plates up carefully on the flat surface of the roof before she’s pulling herself up and out of the window onto the roof. Lexa is already there, her smile warm and greeting as she grips Clarke’s hand to help her up. Soon, Clarke is sitting beside her and passing her a plate and silverware, just as Lexa is opening the wine and pouring it into plastic cups. “Your dad talk at all?” Clarke asks gently, taking the plastic cup a quarter of the way filled and taking a small sip of it.

“Nope, outside of “welcome home” nothing.” Lexa peals the plastic wrap off her food and sighs almost contentedly. “He’s watching the football game and eating ramen this year.” She digs a fork into her food and begins to eat like she hasn’t been fed for two days.

It only makes Clarke laugh a little. “I keep hoping one of these times he’ll give you something to come home too.” Lexa smiles at her briefly before focusing in on her food once again and digging back into the plate. “Someone has found their appetite.” Clarke teases lightly, bumping Lexa’s shoulder with her own.

“Temporarily.” Lexa mumbles around a mouthful of mashed potatoes. “Your mother is amazing.” She groans and continues to pay more attention to the food than anything else.

“I won’t tell her you said that.” Clarke chuckles and peels some turkey back and places it in her mouth.

Sometime passes where it’s just them and things are quiet and they eat and enjoy each other’s company and the stars in the sky instead of football games and grandmothers yelling at each other. It’s easy like this, a tradition that almost makes every thanksgiving worth it. Clarke knows she’d rather spend every last holiday with Lexa than anyone else anyways. “If we were married, tell me we wouldn’t be inviting our parents.” She says after a while to break the silence, Lexa’s plate half empty, hers a quarter of the way touched. She never did eat as much as Lexa and she never did understand where the girl got her appetite from.

Lexa snorts through a forkful of corn. “We would definitely be inviting your mom, so she can do all the cooking.” Lexa tells her, chuckling as Clarke rolls her eyes.

“I cook like her.” Clarke seems to pout, placing her food aside and crossing her arms along her chest as if Lexa was insinuating that she couldn’t make a good thanksgiving meal for her own wife.

Lexa stops eating long enough to look at her. “You hate cooking.” She reasons, but Clarke just brushes her words off.

“Doesn’t mean I’m not good at it.” She replies with a small edge of sass to her tone.

A smile is on Lexa’s face and for a moment that’s all Clarke really cares about. She loves making her smile, especially like that. “Like I’m going to let my wife cook thanksgiving dinner if she hates cooking.” Lexa rolls her eyes again and Clarke can’t help the loud chuckle that escapes her.

“Considerate.” She picks up some corn with her fork off her plate and leans over it as she brings the fork to her mouth.

“We invite your mom, but not the rest of your family, and we invite my dad because he should leave the house and watch football somewhere else.”

Clarke looks at Lexa curiously and watches the trouble expression cross her pretty features as she finishes up her plate. “When was the last time he left?” She asks delicately, watching her features become harder with the question.

“He even has his groceries delivered now, so I’m guessing not for a long time now.” Lexa huffs at the thoughts running through her own head. Clarke doesn’t know exactly what they are but she knows they aren’t completely pleasant as her eyebrows furrow and her jaw works slightly in a side to side motion that always distracted Clarke from whatever she was doing.

“I’m sorry, he’s getting worse.” She says softly, placing her hand on Lexa’s thigh to comfort her friend. She tenses at first at the contact, something not exactly normal for them but then she seems to realize it’s just her and Clarke and the tension rolls away, so Clarke doesn’t move her hand right away.

“Clarke, promise me you’ll never let me get like that?” Lexa says seriously, turning her head so she can look in Clarke’s eyes and the blonde takes in a deep breathe at the way green looks into blue.

“Never babe,” Clarke brushes her fingertips through the side of Lexa’s soft brown hair, an action Lexa often does to her. “I’ll take care of you always.” She nearly whispers. A promise she plans to never break, sealed and indefinite. Lexa is the one person she never wants to let down in her life, the one person she would offer her own life for in a heartbeat without hesitation.

Lexa smiles at her, genuinely, soft and gentle. She leans over and presses a soft kiss against the corner of Clarke’s mouth and the blonde’s breath catches in her throat in an action she’s been doing often lately. She isn’t sure why, she doesn’t like to think about it. All she thinks about instead is that she’s made Lexa happy for this brief moment on their rooftop. That’s all that’s ever going to matter really.

 

***

 

December, 2014

 

Lexa hasn’t left her apartment since she got back from her father’s house. In a sense it was kind of ironic, that she always worries about being like him, and yet, she hides in much the same way he always has since the death of her mother. She tells herself every morning she will get up, she will run like she used to, she will go out and do things and meet her friends and be human, but once daylight hits her window pane she is exhausted beyond belief. Not a wink of sleep does she get at night, but the moment that sun is up all Lexa wants to do is sleep.

Clarke has taken notice; of course she has, sending her normal encouraging texts throughout the day that Lexa feeds off of to even keep her eyes open when all she wants to do is close them. She doesn’t even answer them, Clarke knows she won’t answer them, but she knows that she sees them, knows that in a sense, they help Lexa motivate when she’s feeling so damn bad.

In the end, it’s the guilt that has her begging Clarke to come and take her out of the apartment, guilt that she is her father and she is placing the same burden on Clarke that her father had once placed on her. It wouldn’t be fair, not to either of them, and Lexa refuses to let herself become him, she refuses to do that to Clarke.

It’s as they’re leaving the apartment, Clarke fully animated about her gallery opening, that Lexa feels the absolute dread of this decision she had made. The air is too cold, and the wind is too much, and Clarke is not enough to help her want to be here. She doesn’t mean to, but she begs to go home, and Clarke being Clarke, is immediately wrapped up in taking care of her.

She hates doing this. She hates being so needy, so emotional and yet at the same time not emotional enough. She hates needing Clarke’s attention almost as if its air, as if it’s her very own heart and it needs Clarke’s smile and smell and eyes and laugh and voice to pump any blood.

She doesn’t understand it.

She doesn’t think she wants to understand it.

“I will cook the chicken tenders you wanted.” Clarke promises her, lips on her ear as she unzips Lexa’s coat for her. The cold shut out though Lexa still shivers as the tears prick the back of her eyes and the lump in her throat doesn’t seem to want to disappear. She doesn’t want to cry, she doesn’t want to worry Clarke anymore, she doesn’t want to be so incredibly weak in front of her but she can’t seem to stop it. She wishes she could be better for her.

“No Clarke, I’m sorry, it’s okay. I’m sorry. I’ll make it myself, you should go out and,” Her voice is ripped with emotion, breaking and cracking in all the places that Lexa doesn’t want it too, that signal her distress and how upset she is and Clarke is there to soothe her, to fix her broken pieces and make her feel whole, if only for a few minutes. She does it over and over and over and Lexa doesn’t understand what she ever could do to deserve her. She doesn’t deserve her, she never could.

“Lexa. I want to be here with you. You need me; sometimes you need someone, okay.” Clarke tries to calm her down, of course she does. She tells her she’s reasonable, she keeps her sane, she makes promises she shouldn’t have to about always taking care of her and what does Lexa do? She can’t even leave the house and celebrate her best friend’s success. She’s pathetic.

“You were so happy, I couldn’t even listen.” Lexa feels the ache in her chest that accompanies this feeling of dread, this undesirable misery that allows her to not enjoy anything, to not be happy for her best friend. She wants nothing more than to take care of Clarke the same way Clarke always takes care of her.

“Hey, it’s okay, look at me.” Clarke cups Lexa’s face in her hands, her thumbs brushing across her cheeks as the tears slip down her cheeks without permission. Her vision blurs but Clarke is still clear in front of her. Clarke’s touch and her voice is a warm embrace that she never wants to let go off.  “You haven’t done anything wrong. You’re doing the best you can.” Clarke steps closer to her and she can smell her perfume, smelling the remnants of her fancy gallery opening, the faint smells of pastels and paint. “You are not your father.” Clarke tells her, and of course she tells her what she needs to hear, and exactly what she thinks. Of course she knows what to say because she’s so good at this and Lexa… Lexa is so lucky.

Lexa sniffs and nods her head. “I love you.” She tells her gently, a quite whisper, vulnerable and cracking across her voice as Clarke nods and pulls her best friend into her, hugging her just as tight as Lexa needs as the brunette holds her in much the same way, breathing her in and falling in sync with her own breathes as she calms down.

“I love you too.” Clarke says after she’s calmed down enough to be relaxed in her arms. “Go pick a movie and I’m going to start dinner, okay?” Clarke only pulls away once she feels Lexa nod into her neck. She touches her cheek gently, parting from her almost as if she doesn’t want to at all. Almost as if it’s painful for her to do so.

It almost feels painful when her touch leaves her and Lexa watches her disappear down the hallway and into the kitchen. She takes her jacket off but drops it by the door rather than hanging it up and makes her way toward the living room. Her heart feeling heavy as she sits on the couch, kicking her shoes off and turning her television on.

She can hear Clarke moving around and she feels comforted by the noise, comforted by the fact that she is not alone right now as she tries to choose a program on the television. “Tell me about the gallery opening again.” Lexa calls after sometime listening to Clarke jostle dishes around in the kitchen. She’s sliding through Netflix but hasn’t managed to pick anything.

“It was pretty boring actually. Lots of people came though, including Bellamy.” Bellamy… the curly haired boy that likes Clarke. Octavia’s brother.

Lexa’s heart sinks unreasonably. She doesn’t know why, she still doesn’t want to question why. “Oh yeah?” Lexa asks her tone seeming a bit higher pitched then normal at that. An uncomfortable twist turns in her stomach and she doesn’t quite know what feeling it is at first. Or maybe that’s not quite the truth. Maybe she does know what it is she just doesn’t quite know why she’s feeling it.

“He’s pretty cute,” Clarke says with a sigh as she plops onto the couch next to Lexa, starting the timer on her phone to keep track of what she has cooking in the kitchen.

The twist continues, almost making her feel sick as she glances next to her at her best friend and she doesn’t understand it. All she knows is that the thought of Clarke with that boy makes her uncomfortable. “Please, he’s related to Octavia, he can’t be that cute.” Lexa scoffs and looks away from Clarke and down at her hands that fiddle with the small remote in between her fingertips.

She can see Clarke grinning at her from the corner of her eye but she doesn’t look up from her own hands to acknowledge it, almost afraid that acknowledging Clarke in this moment would make her have to acknowledge the uncomfortable twist in her stomach that only really has one definition and she’s afraid of finding out why it’s there.

“Don’t be jealous,” Clarke nearly whispers and Lexa scoffs like it’s the furthest thing from the truth that there could possibly be.

But all it takes for Lexa to know it’s not is the soft touch of Clarke’s fingertips through her hair and a gentle, “you know you’re my favorite girl.” And Lexa is melting the same way she always does when Clarke says that too her.

She wonders what it really means. She wonders why the thought of Clarke with some boy she meant only once before and had barely remembered the name of even makes her jealous? Is it because she fears she’ll see Clarke less if she starts dating?

Lexa looks over at Clarke as the blonde takes the remote from her, eyes distracted on the screen and she feels something in her chest tighten that she also cannot quite understand.

It’s not that. It’s something else, something else that makes her capable of feeling so much when Clarke is with her. It’s something else and Lexa doesn’t know what that something else is, doesn’t even know quite how to comprehend it, but she does know that her life, every time she’s envisioned it, Clarke has always been in it with her.

Maybe it’s a subconscious fear that someone will come along and take her away, that Clarke will get tired of taking care of her, that she won’t be good enough forever, that Clarke won’t wait for her even though Lexa doesn’t know what she exactly wants Clarke to wait for.

She can think of lots of maybes, but none of them are that something else.

 

***

 

Christmas, 2014

 

Christmas with Clarke and Lexa has been the same since they turned twenty. Every single year Clarke comes over with gifts like she’s Santa Claus and Lexa cooks an entire meal, full of every Christmas dinner cliché imaginable, even the dessert.

They have nearly a quarter of Lexa’s apartment covered in gifts, spilling out under the little Christmas tree Lexa has had since she was sixteen because it was the last one her mom bought right before she died. They have a playlist of the same movies they watch every year, like the 25 days of Christmas countdown on Freeform, but they watch it all at once.

Lexa provides the stockings, even her own, though hers always has about three things in it whereas Clarke’s is always overflowing. They take care of each other because Christmas is their favorite time of year, despite how little interest their families have always shown in it.

Clarke’s mother always calls around five, clearly working through the event because this time of year is still too hard for her to celebrate, it probably always will be, Clarke isn’t expecting it to ever be easy for her. Sometimes it’s not easy for Clarke.

Lexa’s dad never calls, but Clarke watches her stare at her cellphone every year, just waiting for it to ring. It almost makes the blonde ache but she does what she can to make up for Lexa’s father’s neglect, even though she can’t exactly make-up for it.

But it’s not just Clarke doing all the caring this time of year, Lexa is always more alive at this time. Her mother loved Christmas, Clarke has always assumed staying invested in it is just her way of honoring her memory, that and Clarke is pretty fun to spend Christmas with.

Lexa loves buying gifts for people, and it’s the one time of year Clarke lets her go crazy, lets her buy whatever she wants for her and she won’t protest like she normally does because sometimes Lexa just gets carried away. But Christmas is for that kind of spirit and even though Clarke doesn’t make as much as Lexa does so she can’t buy for her in the same exact way, Lexa loves everything Clarke gives her.

Lexa really loves Christmas. It’s the one time of year, no matter where she is or how she’s feeling; she comes out of her shell. Clarke loves seeing her like that, so she encourages it, and lets Lexa cook for her and tell her how much she appreciates her and pamper the shit out of her because Lexa loves it and Clarke can’t lie... it’s nice to be taken care of sometimes.

It’s the same every year but they both never tire of it. Clarke’s favorite moment, every year is after all the gifts are open and the Christmas paper is still everywhere and all of Lexa’s decorations are up and alive and they’re reaching the end of their movie list and Clarke’s got on whatever sweater Lexa might have bought her because she buys her at least one lame sweater every year, and they have finally moved to Lexa’s bed and Clarke can just lay with her and listen to her heart beat and feel her fingers comb through her hair.

They’re full and happy and alone and Clarke loves it. She loves that at some point when Lexa gets tired enough their positions change and it’s her seeking the comfort of Clarke’s heartbeat, snuggling into her chest and sighing when Clarke pulls her close and brushes her fingertips up and down Lexa’s spine.

She always falls asleep before they ever get to the last movie on their list but Clarke always watches it, soothing Lexa as she sleeps against her and breathes so calm. She’s warm and Clarke loves her, loves being with her, loves this holiday because of her.

She finds this time she watches Lexa sleep, the flutter of her eyelids and the small intake of breathes she makes every once in a while when she dreams, more than she watches the movie and there’s something in her chest. Something big and hard to ignore in moments as quiet as these. Moments with freshly lit candles and Lexa’s comforter kicked down to their waists.

Clarke is well aware that she could probably stare at her forever and she had never quite understood what level of admiration that qualifies as when it’s your best friend and not someone you’re sleeping with. She knows her and Lexa sometimes seem… like they’re a little more than friends but Clarke has always had excuses, lots of excuses for that.

But sometimes when it’s quiet enough, and the night is dark enough, and the television is at a whisper, and Lexa is… Lexa, she cannot think of one excuse that makes any sense. Because Lexa… Lexa is brilliant and so damn beautiful and Clarke would be so happy to be with her. It’s a thought that scares her, something she doesn’t acknowledge but they’ve had enough wine and wine has always done the opposite to Lexa than it does to Clarke.

Clarke’s mind races.

She thinks about all the times she’s closed her eyes to see her future and Lexa is always the first face in it. Beside her and with her and fighting whatever fight with her because that’s what it’s been like most of their lives. They fight together, they work together, and they love and hate and scream and ache together.

So why the hell is Clarke so damn afraid of her?

It’s hard not to think about because wine makes her mind race and Lexa is asleep in her arms and looking so young and peaceful and unafraid of the world herself and Clarke is nothing but terrified because she can’t stop looking at her face and for how fast her mind is going she for some reason, for the life of her, cannot think of one good quality excuse in her head for the way she’s staring at her, for how long she’s been staring at her.

What is it? Is it what Raven says it is or is her friend blind to love because she is blindly in love? It’s a confusing thought, a process in her head she doesn’t exactly know how to go about figuring out, especially one she won’t be able to with so much wine in her system.

Lexa mumbles her name at some point and Clarke’s heart soars from her chest like it’s hooked to some kind of fish line and Lexa is reeling it in to take home with her.

What is this? Because Clarke is too scared to try and figure it out.

 

***

 

January, 2015

 

Lexa chuckles the moment she pulls the door open because Anya does not do well with hiding her stress. Maybe from others but certainly not from Lexa. She doesn’t say anything yet, just widens the door for her to enter and walks down the hall; turning into the kitchen, back to what she had been doing before Anya knocked, well aware of her friend following her.

“Where’s Clarke? I thought she had Thursdays off from the gallery?” Ah Clarke is always a topic Anya will bring up first above anything else, because if she can tease Lexa about Clarke, or even just pre-occupy Lexa from her own stress before she asks, which admittedly works sometimes, she can escape actually having to say anything about it even though she wants too.

“She’s been hitting the gym on Thursdays.” Lexa rolls her eyes as she passes Anya a cup of coffee. “She’s not here every day by the way; she has her own house to live in.”

“Why aren’t you two living together again? I mean you have that room over there by the bathroom.” Anya points in the direction of it with her thumb and Lexa doesn’t need to follow the movement to know which door she’s talking about.

“You mean the room the size of a closet?” Lexa asks with a curious raise to her eyebrow.

“It’s a bit bigger than that, though admittedly you should upgrade your cave. I mean, Clarke lives in a house with stairs and she makes less than you.” Anya slumps against the kitchen counter as she judges her current living conditions to keep the topic off of the one that’s bothering her.

Lexa allows it for now. “Clarke likes a lot of space to paint, helps her think. I like the limited room. Reminds me of home.” And it does because the house Lexa grew up in, right next to Clarke’s, was about the same size, with a similar layout, just a little different, maybe a bit bigger but nearly the same size, it just half of it was upstairs instead of all being on one level.

“Trying to convince me you’re not compatible now?” Anya teases her predictably.

Lexa only rolls her pretty green eyes. “Don’t start, you came here to talk about something, spill?” She pushes, not exactly in the mood to be questioned about her feelings for Clarke right now, especially with recent thoughts and recent confusing details that she can’t quite figure out.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Anya huffs, crossing her arms along her chest and looking down at her feet.

“Yes you do, that’s why you’re here.” Lexa leans against the counter and sips her own mug of coffee, a small raise to her eyebrow as she watches her friend fiddle with her own mug. A soft sigh leaves her before she finally meets Lexa’s eyes.

“Raven’s mom, she doesn’t like me.” She finally spits it out and Lexa furrows her eyebrows as she takes in what she says.

“Did she say that?” She asks curiously.

Anya shakes her head. “No, but she...” She huffs heavily. “She does this annoying glare thing when she looks at me, and just last week when we went to dinner with her and she kept trying to tell Raven that living with her “significant other” is probably not the best idea while she works on her degree. It was kind of humiliating and I have to go this afternoon to a brunch thing Raven’s mom does so she can basically brag about her daughter being “so strong” because of her leg and blah which she is, but it’s the way she does it. Like Raven’s some kind of trophy for her I just… ugh.” Anya shuffles her fingers through her hair and lets out another long huff as Lexa contemplates what she has told her.

She looks at her friend curiously. “How does Raven feel about it?”

“She hates those brunches.” Anya replies with a bit of aggression to her tone.

“Ditch it.” Lexa says with a shrug, which earns her a bewildered look from Anya.

“What?” Anya scoffs, laughing like Lexa’s making a joke but the brunette just stares at her friend seriously, her eyes not leaving her. “You’re serious?” She says with a heavy tone.

“Yes. What are you going for if you both hate it? Tell her mom something’s come up, take Raven to a real lunch, make love all day, and quit wasting time with the formality of looking for her parents’ permission.” Anya just stares at her a minute, frowns and contemplates what she’s said. “She’s in love with you Anya. It doesn’t matter what her mother thinks of you it matters what she thinks. That’s really what you’re worried about.” Lexa knows Anya well, knows that Anya isn’t used to feeling this way about someone and she’s just as scared as Lexa would be if she were in the same situation. As she gets whenever she even thinks about feelings on that level.

Anya sighs, almost forlorn. “I want to marry her.” She says gently and Lexa can’t help the soft smile she gives her friend.

“I know.” Lexa mumbles gently. “So do it.”

“Just like that.” Anya stares at her with disbelief.

“Yeah, just like that. Fuck her parents; fuck your parents because they suck you’re not going to ask them to approve of Raven? Why would she ask her mother to approve of you? They aren’t close.” She reasons.

Anya sighs. “They aren’t.”

“She loves you. Her mother’s awkward brunch or weird glares in your direction are never going to change that.” She reassures her and Anya slowly begins to relax in front of her.

“I hate it when you’re insightful.” Anya rolls her eyes.

“You love it.” She teases lightly and sips at her coffee.

“So why’s Clarke at the gym? She hates exercise.” Lexa contemplates letting her change the subject. She decides it wouldn’t hurt for now as Clarke’s recent gym escapades have been unlatching some interesting thoughts.

“She doesn’t hate it, she just doesn’t… particularly like it.” Lexa chuckles and Anya seems to laugh with her. “It’s some stupid New Year’s resolution thing. You know that Bellamy guy,”

“Octavia’s brother?”

“That’s the one, anyways at the party he was there,” Her voice has already dropped, she sips more coffee to try and mask its change, the annoyance she feels at the thought of that one guy. She doesn’t get why he bothers her so much, she’s only met him once and if Clarke likes him than Clarke likes him. But that’s still not enough to get rid of the unreasonable feeling she has about it.

“He was?” Anya furrows her brow as she tries to seemingly search for the face of Octavia’s brother but can’t manage to conjure the image up.

“I know right, the guy’s not memorable. Anyways Clarke was talking to him about it or whatever and he generously offered to help train her.” Lexa rolls her eyes so hard she thinks they’ll pop out of her head as Anya cackles from her place across the kitchen.

“Does this guy have a thing for her because you seem a bit jealous?” Anya is smirking, far too widely for someone that has come here with insecurities and it has Lexa glaring at her before she can stop it.

“He does and I do not. He’s just… some guy I hardly know, and this is Clarke. I don’t know.” She shrugs it off and looks away from her friend and into her coffee mug, trying hard to find someone to be able to actually escape into it so she no longer has to have this conversation that is quickly leading down a path of disaster.

“Does Clarke like this guy?” Anya asks with genuine interest.

Lexa shrugs and feels that uncomfortable twist in her stomach again. “She thinks he’s cute I guess, whatever.” She huffs and tries to blow it off as if that means nothing because it shouldn’t, it shouldn’t bother her the way it does but no matter how much she tries to brush it off the fact to remains that she is bothered by it and she has no idea why.

“Awe Lexa, that really bothers you.” Her friend looks at her with sincerity but it makes her uncomfortable and she sips at her coffee again.

“It doesn’t. It’s whatever, Clarke should date you know, she doesn’t really much.” She mumbles it, her voice giving far too much away as she sloshes the liquid in her mug. It’s not distracting enough from her own thoughts, from the look Anya has her pinned with, the look she’s avoiding acknowledging as her mind conjures up images of Clarke working out with Bellamy that make an angry fire light up and already has her jaw clenching.

“But the thought of her dating makes you sick, it’s all over your face you’re so delusional.” Anya rolls her eyes after a while and when Lexa looks up she can’t deny that something about what Anya has said is right.

Clarke dating Bellamy… dating anyone makes her want to throw up and that can’t at all be normal. “Can we please stop talking about this you’re so stupid.” She uncomfortable now, and confused and she sets her cup down a bit harshly so the contents sloshes out onto the counter.

“Sure, but your totally in love with her idiot.” Anya sets her down as well and pushes off the counter.

Lexa sucks in a deep breath, her heart pitter-pattering around and saying a lot more than she wants to admit. “I am not.”

Maybe she is.

 

***

 

Clarke has been staring at her best friend for about twenty minutes, twenty minutes of watching Lexa be hit on and Lexa, even in the depressed state she’s consistently in, seemingly to enjoy it. She had to beg Lexa to come to this, she had to get on her knees and use her puppy dog eyes to even get her to agree. Dressing her was even harder and now here she is, at Clarke’s gallery event, flirting with some patron.

Not even that pretty of one to top it all off.

It sparks an unpleasant fire in Clarke’s chest and before she even realizes what she’s doing, she advancing on the pair. Her arms wrap around Lexa from behind and the brunette jumps a moment before Clarke places a soft kiss to the exposed area of Lexa’s neck that she can see do to Lexa having styled her hair up rather than down for the night.

Instantly the woman beside them closes off, stiffens up and stares at Clarke like she may be the actual devil. “Enjoying yourself?” Clarke asks Lexa with her lips pressed to the shell of the brunette’s ear and feels a soft shudder run through her that she’ll chalk up to the surprise she must have felt when Clarke had snuck up on her.

She just wanted that stupid girl that was staring at her to leave Lexa alone.

“Your paintings are lovely Clarke.” Lexa says quietly, turning her head to the side to meet Clarke’s eye-line and for a second Clarke completely forgets what her intentions had been when she stomped over here, because Lexa is looking at her with pride and gentle admiration that makes the blonde’s stomach swoop and her heart soar to scary heights.

She can feel Lexa’s exhale on her lips. “I love when you use the word lovely in your general vocabulary.” Clarke teases lightly, her smile stretching across her lips until she can see the effects of it mimicked briefly on Lexa’s face.

“I’m really so proud of you.” Lexa tells her and Clarke’s heart feels like it might explode, growing in size until she’s sure it can no longer fit in her chest. Why does Lexa always manage to make her feel this way… and what is this feeling that’s so big she can’t even put a word on it? She can’t even explain it? She’s too afraid to try.

“I’ll just be on my way, nice talking to you Lexa.” The girl says quietly, walking past them an offering Clarke one last glare before she disappears.

There’s a tension that rolls off of Lexa’s shoulders after she’s gone and when she turns in Clarke’s arms, it’s the blonde’s turn to nearly shudder to the delicate brush of her nose against Lexa’s. “Thanks for getting rid of her, she wouldn’t leave me alone.” Lexa mumbles quietly, and Clarke for some reason suddenly feels sick.

She furrows her brows as the thought that Lexa hadn’t been flirting back surfaces because why would she flirt back? Lexa’s not in any state of mind to flirt with someone, she’s not even interested in anything right now except for the feelings that she apparently manages to have when she’s around Clarke.

And even if she had been flirting back, why wouldn’t that have been a good thing? This is like Costia all over again, the angry fire inside of her burning things to ash at just the mere thought of Lexa flirting and kissing and touching some girl that Clarke doesn’t even know, or even does know.

Why is she always so possessive of her?

They have had this problem before, especially when Lexa started dating Costia a few years ago. Costia was literally the perfect girlfriend and friend. She was sweet and beautiful and Lexa’s type and Clarke honestly couldn’t think of someone better for her friend but Clarke hated seeing Lexa with her. The mere memory of it still sets something ugly off in her gut, something she’s never wanted to acknowledge long enough to actually understand.

She’s afraid of it, and as Lexa places a kiss to the corner of her mouth she’s real aware that she’s been jealous of Lexa possibly flirting with someone at her art show and she didn’t act out of kindness, she didn’t act to protect Lexa, but merely to possess her and she feels absolutely terrible about it. It makes her guilty beyond belief and she can barely get a handle on the lump that rises in her throat when Lexa drags her along to her paintings so she can describe to Clarke why her favorite is her favorite like she always does.

She had done the same thing when Costia had flirted with Lexa at a party. She had appeared and acted possessive and Costia didn’t ask Lexa out for six months because she thought they were dating and Clarke let her think that. She never corrected her even when the opportunity had arisen because she wanted her to think that. She wanted her to not ask Lexa out, not ever.

She hates this jealous ugly part of herself that she’s suddenly discovering and she tries to listen to Lexa discuss her paintings but she can’t listen because she doesn’t get this. In fact it’s infuriating because Lexa deserves to be happy, to be with someone who makes her happy and if Clarke pushes everyone away from her how is Lexa ever supposed to find that?

Clarke has to stop being so protective, so possessive. It’s her best friend, that’s all it is, she’s desperately afraid of losing her because she can’t… she wouldn’t be able to handle losing her. But she can’t act this way. She wants the best for her, so next time… Clarke needs to be better.

 

***

 

February, 2015

 

Lexa jumps over the bar the same way she’s always scolding Clarke for as her phone’s ringtone goes off. She picks it up from the place she had left it by the stove earlier when she had been making Mac N’ Cheese and swipes the talk button when she notices the caller ID. “Hey Lex-”

The brunette interrupts Clarke immediately. “I didn’t think you’d call back because it’s late, I wanted to ask you something.” She can hear Clarke breath into her ear and she misses her. She misses her and they’ve only been apart for a few days.

God this new interesting realization of what this feeling is inside of her might actually kill her before she can fully comprehend it. “What is it? I can’t come tonight by the way, I’ve got this dinner thing with Octavia and-“

“Bellamy going to be there?” Lexa doesn’t bother letting her finish. Part of her doesn’t want to hear Clarke say his name because it sparks irrational jealousy. Lexa knows it’s irrational. She knows she needs to avoid feeling it but Lexa also knows Clarke finds him cute, Clarke would date him and that thought is just too much. Especially if these feelings are what she thinks they are and Anya has been right all along.

“Yes Lexa.” Clarke chuckles but Lexa only feels the slight dip of her heart at the news.

“You’re making me watch the new episode alone?” She asks almost too quietly. She doesn’t mean to guilt trip, in fact she won’t guilt trip. Clarke spends so much time haled up in her apartment with her that she’s sure she might go crazy if she doesn’t see other people or do other things.

But Clarke picks up on her disappointment easily. “I’m sorry; I will make it up to you.” She says with a slight rush to her tone.

Lexa shakes her head. “No it’s okay. You don’t have to spend every waking second with me.” She tries a laugh but Clarke knows her too well. She’s not disappointed with Clarke though, she’s only disappointed she won’t get to see her.

“Contrary to popular belief, I actually want to spend every waking second with you.” Lexa smiles a bit as Clarke chuckles. She leans against the counter as she listens to the blonde breathe a moment before she says anything else. “It’s only going to be a few hours but I’m so tired already from the gallery today and I need to paint something, I haven’t since Christmas.”

“I know. You don’t have to explain. I’ll wait; we’ll watch the episode when you come over after the gym on Thursday?” She asks hopefully and listens in silence as she leans over her counter waiting on Clarke’s answer.

It comes after a few minutes. “I can’t make this Thursday either.” Clarke sounds sheepish and the news plummets Lexa’s heart into the depths of her stomach and she isn’t sure if she can pull it back up right away to recover and sound okay with the fact that she won’t be seeing Clarke for a lot longer than a few days. They rarely go very long without seeing each other.

“Are you kidding?” She says after a moment, her tone a bit cold as she frowns at the television screen across the living room. It’s dark and has nothing on it but she needs something to glare at.

“I’m sorry Lex, I’ll come over Saturday with groceries?” Clarke tries to compromise. Of course she does because she’s perfect and Lexa is just Lexa.

“I can buy my own groceries.” She grumbles slightly, resting her chin on her hand as she props up her elbow and slumps down slightly as she listens to her best friend on the other line. Wherever she is currently at, is busy. She can hear lots of voices and even laughs.

“Oh no, your upset.” Clarke says with a heavy sigh.

Lexa shakes her head even though Clarke can’t see her. “I am not.” Only disappointed that she won’t be able to see her soon but she doesn’t mean to make that obvious. If Clarke can’t make it for a little while she can’t make it. Lexa will survive. She wants Clarke to go and have fun or hang out with other people without constantly worrying about her.

“You are. Your tone gets all deep like that when you’re upset.” Clarke says knowledgably on all facts of Lexa. Of course she knows this, Lexa also knows this but she’s not about to admit that Clarke is right.

“It does not.” She denies.

“I’m sorry Lexa, the galleries just been so crazy this week and Octavia’s been up my ass about dinner,”

“I know, I know.” Lexa sighs heavily and listens to Clarke repeat the action.

“You could come to the dinner if you want?” Clarke’s tone is hopeful but the sudden clenching and rapid beat of her heart tells Lexa that going out tonight isn’t going to happen.

She feels dread when she replies. “I don’t think so Clarke.”

She can practically feel Clarke’s disappointment at the answer through the phone and she wishes just once that she could say yes to something like this and make Clarke happy and show her that she’s strong. “Okay, I’ll see you Saturday?”

“Wait Clarke, I wanted to ask you if I could,” Lexa stops, breath caught in her throat as the nerves pile on for some reason and she isn’t one hundred percent certain of why they’re there or why she’s so afraid to ask her own best friend to dinner.

Because she’s well aware of feelings that are far more than friendly, circling in her chest every time she so much as thinks about Clarke. “You okay?” How long have they been there?

“Yeah just, Clarke do you want to-” Lexa trails off again, her heart skipping its own beat as Clarke giggles into the receiver.

“Just spit it out Lex,”

“Do you want to go out to dinner with me for Valentine’s Day?” And she doesn’t think she’s breathing right, why is she acting like this? What is she so nervous for? Just because she might be in love with her doesn’t mean her question to come to dinner with her on Valentine’s Day has anything to do with that. She isn’t even sure if that’s what this is or if Anya’s just poisoned her brain.

“Dinner? Like out to dinner or dinner at home where you cook all that fancy food you like?” Clarke’s voice is curious and Lexa’s heart picks up in pace. A hope for a “yes” sits brightly at the forefront of her brain and she can’t deny that she’d love to take Clarke on this date and make her feel genuinely pampered. People to pamper Clarke enough; she doesn’t let people pamper her enough.

Wow, she might be in love with her. “Out, I mean reservations and fancy food included.” She replies softly, toing the tile beneath her sock cladded foot.

“Damn it, out? I already have plans…” Clarke’s voice trails off and Lexa’s heart sinks low.

Of course Clarke does. She’s beautiful. A beautiful, sweet, kind, generous woman like Clarke would always have a date on Valentine’s Day. Lexa is an idiot. “Oh, okay,”

“No, I’ll cancel,” She says but Lexa only shakes her head because she can’t allow her to do that.

She may have been nervous to ask like it was a date. She may have set it up like a date; it may even feel like a date. But it could never actually be a date. Even if Lexa is in love with her, which she’s not sure she actually is yet. It still couldn’t be a date. “Don’t do that. If you have an actual date,”

Clarke huffs a bit loudly in her ear. “No date is a good date over my best friend.” She states it as fact and it makes Lexa’s heart melt a little and she can’t help the small smile that surfaces on her lips because of it.

“No it’s okay Clarke; we’ll just have dinner some other time.” She says gently, imagining what Clarke looks like right now. She’s probably in something casual; she doesn’t like dressing up too much. Her hair is probably down and looks lovely.

She would tell her she looks beautiful if she could see her. “Reservations and fancy food still included?” Clarke asks with a light hopeful tone.

“Yes, of course. That one place you like with the really expensive wine even,” Lexa smiles as Clarke gasps into her ear.

“Is that where the reservations are for?” Her tone now sounds like she’s completely disappointed and Lexa can’t help the slight giggle that escapes her.

“Yes.”

“I’m canceling,” Clarke’s tone is so matter-of-fact. It’s adorable.

Lexa laughs. “No Clarke, it’s okay, we’ll go some other time, call me later tonight when you get home?” She asks seriously and listens as Clarke huffs a moment, thinking about whatever she could possibly have going on in her beautiful head.

Lexa wishes she had the strength to go to that dinner, even if it’s with people she hates. “Okay, I love you.” Clarke mumbles and Lexa’s heart squeezes in her chest until it slightly hurts.

“Bye Clarke.” Lexa sighs heavily the moment she hears the line die. She pushes her phone into the front pocket of her jeans and slumps against her counter, eyes attaching to the wall across from her.

Clarke’s been a bit distant from her recently, not that she should really complain about it. She already spends so much time with her, and perhaps Clarke just needs a break after a while. Lexa knows she isn’t always the best person to be around, especially right now.

She wishes sometimes Clarke would just say that to her.

She releases a heavy sigh and exits her kitchen out of the threshold, grabbing her shoes and her keys and exiting her apartment.

 

 

“Lexa?” The apartment is dark, and her car was gone so logically she isn’t here but she calls for her anyway because she hadn’t expected her to be gone. She wanted to surprise her with dessert and honestly just cuddle her to sleep because she was so tired and her Uber driver was really, really weird.

But Lexa wasn’t here.

She sighs and moves into the kitchen to place the dessert in the fridge before she goes about a routine, taking off her jacket and hanging it up, leaving her shoes by the door, changing into comfortable clothes, cuddling up in her bed with a television show as she waits for her. The sheets and pillow cases smell like her and Clarke always loves that. Always loves being surrounded in her lovely smell.

She falls asleep before she means to and she dreams of Lexa’s face and gently hands in her hair. She dreams of her voice with her lips pressed to her ear and then she dreams of her lips kissing her own and it’s a nice dream, a dream she’d deny probably until the day she dies but at least it’s nice while she’s inside of it.

 

 

Lexa stares at Clarke sleeping in her bed for a long moment, it’s almost creepy even before she manages to snap out of it and go about her night time routine. She normally doesn’t sleep until a lot later than 2 A.M. but she’s suddenly feeling tired and the desire to hold Clarke while she sleeps is unbearable.

She eventually slips under the covers and tangles her limbs with Clarke’s, the girl barely stirring as she buries her cold nose into the crook of the blonde’s neck. Clarke’s arms are around her subconsciously and Lexa automatically feels a thousand times safer than she ever could be awake anywhere else.

Clarke is warm and breathes heavy while she sleeps, every once in a while she snores a bit. Lexa doesn’t mind, her sounds are comforting and reminds her that someone is with her, that she is not alone.

When she thinks about that someone being Clarke she is all the more complete, feeling more at home than she ever feels anywhere else. She can sleep in this bed a thousand times but none of them feel as safe and as warm and as when Clarke is here with her. She falls asleep so easy in her arms, with her body wrapped around Clarke.

It’s as she’s listening to Clarke’s steady heartbeat in her ear that she realizes it. She realizes what’s always been there right in front of her face, what’s stripped of any complications when her body is tangled around Clarke’s and her eyelids are heavy and she’s falling asleep to only the sound of her heart beat.

She can’t deny it anymore.

She’s in love with her best friend.

 

***

 

Clarke jumps about ten feet into the air, dropping the three environmentally friendly bags in her hands hard against the surface of Lexa’s hallway. She collapses against the closed door with her now free hand over her heart as she stares at her sweaty best friend, a cocky smile on her face. “You’re an asshole.” Clarke finally squeaks, shoving Lexa’s shoulder so she falls back a bit but really not by much.

The blonde’s eyes wander down her friend’s body, clad in workout gear that distracts the blonde’s thought process and spreads a warmth in Clarke’s lower stomach that she has to shake her head and blink a few times to forget about. “Did you get the strawberry yogurt?” Lexa asks easily, a grin still on her face as she leans down to check over the contents of one shopping bag and Clarke averts her gaze as to not follow the curve of Lexa’s breasts that become more noticeable with Lexa’s bent position.

What’s wrong with me today? “Of course I did. Did you go for a run Lexa?” She asks with a heavy breath, like she can’t get handle on herself and she’s some hormonal teenage boy. It’s ridiculous and she’s mad at herself.

“I did.”

“You did!?” Clarke doesn’t mean to sound so excited about it but it comes out that way, and when Lexa leans back up from her bent position with a strawberry yogurt in hand she raises her eyebrow at Clarke with curiosity. “I mean, that’s good. You haven’t been for one of those in…”

“Months trust me I know, I can feel it.” Lexa huffs out briefly before she turns her back on Clarke and walks her way into the kitchen, tearing the lid off of the yogurt she plans on eating.

“I was expecting you to be asleep!” Clarke calls through the room, picking up the three bags she had dropped and bringing them to the kitchen where Lexa is sitting on the counter, swinging her legs back and forth and eating her yogurt.

“I slept early.” Lexa smiles briefly at her but it still doesn’t touch her eyes.

Clarke smiles back. “I was going to make you breakfast.”

“You can still do that.” Lexa hops off the counter, placing the yogurt aside.

“No, no, eat your yogurt.” Lexa pops out her bottom lip as she gets closer to Clarke who backs away from her.

“Clarkey,” She whines and no matter how adorable it is Clarke tries to resist being pressed up again Lexa’s sweaty body. There are plenty of reasons to why that is probably not a good idea at this moment.

“No, you’re sweaty and gross.” She uses as her first excuse. Perhaps it’s not the right one, or the main one but she’s not about to admit that out loud, even if Lexa has always known how incredibly attractive she looks in her workout gear… even after a workout which is not fair because Clarke has been going to the gym for a few months now and every time after her work out she looks like she’s about to die.

Lexa just look sexy. “Pancakes?”

“You’re not going to blackmail me into making you pancakes so you won’t hug me while you’re sweaty.” Clarke glares at her but Lexa doesn’t seem to care, obviously in a good mood today with a wide smile on her lips.

“Pancakes or sweaty hug Clarke, make your choice.” Lexa’s eyebrow move up and down as if she’s trying to be intimidating but the wide smile on her face makes it hard to be afraid of her.

“Okay Jigsaw.” Clarke huffs and turns her back on Lexa, pulling items out of one of the grocery bags. “You don’t really deserve pancakes.” Clarke grumbles.

Clearly that wasn’t the right answer because soon Clarke could feel Lexa wrapping her arms around her waist and pressing her body against her own. “Lexa,” Clarke whined as the girl pressed her lips to Clarke’s ear.

“Please,” she mumbled quietly before nuzzling her neck and making Clarke squirm out of her grasp.

“God fine.” Clarke scoffs, pushing Lexa away from her. “Go take a shower right now!”

 

 

“So Lex,” Clarke watches as the brunette pours a little too much syrup on her pancakes, though Lexa doesn’t seem to question the amount, in fact apparently Lexa assumes it’s the perfect amount.

She doesn’t even look up. “Hmm?”

“I’m throwing a party next week and I want you to come.” She asks with a bite on her lower lip as she awaits her answer. She knows she’ll probably have to do a little begging but she doesn’t want to have this party without Lexa there so she’s willing to pull out the big guns.

“A party?” Lexa closes the syrup and pushes it back further across the bar. “For what?”

“Just a party, kind of celebrating how well the gallery is doing and stuff. Just for fun.” Clarke shrugs and looks down at her own pancakes, which has very little syrup on them compared to the massive amount Lexa has just dumped on her own.

“You want me to come?” Lexa seems to question lightly and Clarke is happy she’s caught Lexa on a good day, so she has a higher possibility of saying yes without having to beg.

“I know you aren’t feeling… the best for a party but maybe you can just come for a little while, you don’t have to stay too long.” She encourages, biting her lower lip again as she looks up at her best friend, her eyes hopeful.

“I don’t know…” Lexa bites her bottom lip as well and cuts into her pancake, but makes no effort to bring the bite to her lips.

“You don’t have to Lexa, but I’d like you to come and dance with me.” Clarke smiles widely, that brilliant smile she knows Lexa really loves and watches as the girl relaxes from across the table.

“You know how hard it is to say no to you right?” Lexa teases with a wide grin on her lips to answer the one on Clarke’s.

“I’m slightly, a tiny bit aware of that.” Clarke holds up her pointer finger and thumb, and makes some space between them to emphasize her point.

Lexa lets out a heavy sigh and brings the bite of her pancake to her lips. “When is it?” She asks in defeat, smiling a bit when she hears Clarke’s excited squeak next to her.

“Friday next week, it starts at seven. It’s all people you know and it’ll be good to get out for longer than an hour.” She continues to encourage her so she doesn’t change her mind too soon.

“Does your house really count as getting out?” Lexa teases, an adorable grin still attached to her pretty mouth.

“It does when there are lots of people in it.”

“True.” Lexa sighs and is about to dig into her food without much conversation when Clarke is grabbing her hand and distracting her from her own hunger.

“You can leave whenever you want. And if you leave the house and immediately you have to go back home, just text me okay. I want you to come, but if you can’t. You can’t.” She tells her gently, wanting Lexa to know that her safety and her health always come first over whatever Clarke will ever want or need. She wants Lexa too not feel pressured despite her request for her to come, so that she will take care of herself if she needs to.

“You don’t have to worry Clarke. I’ll be okay.” Lexa reaches up and brushes her fingers through Clarke’s hair gently, just through the side and Clarke melts the same way she always does whenever Lexa touches her like that.

“I’m just saying.” She mumbles softly, watching Lexa’s eyes travel down to her mouth as she speaks. Her heart rate spikes again, but she ignore it.

“Can I eat?” Lexa asks teasingly and Clarke rolls her eyes, releasing the girl’s hand and going back to her own food.

 

***

 

March, 2015

 

Lexa took in a deep breath as she stares up at the house, examining the overly full place. Overly full wasn’t something Lexa did as of recently. She hadn’t been much in the mood for parties for a little over a year and hadn’t even left her apartment for more than the occasional grocery store run or when Clarke asked her too. And sure enough, Clarke begged and she can never resist Clarke, not really.

“Lexa Jesus, you’re acting like you’ve never been to a party before.” Anya rolls her eyes and tugs on her best friend’s wrist to lead her into the blonde’s house full of people they have all met before, maybe some they haven’t, but most Lexa recognizes and is forced to say hello to as they cross the threshold of the house.

It’s only once they’re in a crowded living room that Anya finally lets her go, utters something about Raven that the brunette can’t hear over the music and disappears through the crowd easily. She almost follows her but doesn’t, instead she looks for a flash of blonde hair, the only reason she ever goes anywhere.

“Lexa!” The brunette jumps as she feels a hand slip across the small of her back, she seems to be smiling from ear to ear at seeing Lexa here. She doesn’t know how long it’s been, but she manages a smile back, rather uninterested in pleasantries. “It’s nice to see you out!” Costia shouts over the music, her smile widening as Lexa seems to return her pleasantries.

The brunette isn’t much interested in having a conversation but she does anyways, Costia and she had ended amicably, but Lexa hadn’t been feeling much of anything since. In fact half the reason they ended it was because she really couldn’t feel very much at all. Eventually Costia carries off somewhere else into the room but Lexa doesn’t watch her go, eyes slipping to the stair case as she watches a half-drunk clumsy Clarke slipping down the stairs, squeezing past bodies and giggling when she gets too close to someone she doesn’t think she should be close to.

She doesn’t feel anything until she sees her.

She has only been a shell of who she used to be, many of her friends had distanced themselves from her, but Clarke never left and Lexa’s heart found itself in the same situation it had been in before Costia, before maybe she even realized it, utterly and completely consumed by pretty blue eyes and soft blonde hair.

“Baby,” Clarke giggles as she flings her arms around Lexa. “You need alcohol; I can tell you’re not having fun.” Lexa slips her arms around Clarke’s waist and pulls her closer than friends should be, if the blonde were to ask her about it, she’d just say it’s to keep her from falling.

That’s never the case.

“I just got here.” Lexa tells her gently, leaning down closer to her ear so she doesn’t have to shout, so Clarke can hear her, so she can smell Clarke’s perfume and drown in her apparent closeness.

“And you look hot,” Clarke giggled cutely as she let one hand caress the material of the dress on Lexa’s body. “Come on, alcohol, I have your favorite.” She wiggles her eyebrows up and down and Lexa cannot resist her. She can never resist her.

“You know if I drink too much I just get-”

“Clingy, I know.” Clarke rolls her eyes and intertwines her fingers with Lexa’s to pull her into the kitchen. There are significantly less bodies in there, even though that’s where most of the drinks sat and Lexa was relieved to not be surrounded by so many people for a moment’s breath.

“Clarke, is this your girlfriend?” A tall guy seems to enter Clarke’s personal space, distracting the girl from her original goal for only a moment and producing another lighthearted giggle at the sound of his voice.

“What?” Lexa immediately said as Clarke chuckled.

“No Bell, this is Lexa. Lexa this is Bellamy, Octavia’s brother, you know the girl that owns the gym that Lincoln’s dating. The one you met at that Christmas party last year.” Clarke informs her as if she wasn’t well aware by now who Bellamy was and why she doesn’t like him.

“Lincoln’s dating a gym?” Bellamy offers up charmingly, grinning at Clarke. The blonde rolls her eyes but cracks a smile anyways.

Lexa does not. “Nice to meet you again.” She nods at him politely and he does the same. Both their actions are stiff and Lexa’s not going to pretend to like him just for Clarke. She does that with Octavia, but she refuses to add this boy to the list. This boy that looks at Clarke like she’s a prize to be won, and all Lexa wants to do is protect Clarke from him.

“Sorry about assuming,” He says, barely looking at Lexa as he says it, seemingly way too happy to know that Clarke is still single and still not dating anyone, as if that’ll give him a chance. Though the way Clarke looks at him make Lexa think he only assumes he has a chance because Clarke is giving him one. She doesn’t like that thought at all.

“No everyone always assumes we’re dating.” Clarke began to make Lexa’s favorite drink. “I’m not Lexa’s type.” The blonde offers up as if its relevant information and Lexa just looks at her as if she’s crazy for a moment.

“I’m pretty sure you’re everyone’s type.” The tall boy winks at Clarke and the blonde chuckles.

“Charming.” Lexa’s stomach turns and she finds her hand slipping around Clarke’s waist as if she can protect her from potential romantic interests. “Here you go babe,” Clarke thrusts a drink in her hand and grins happily at the boy in front of them.

Lexa guzzles the drink down.

 

 

Sometime into the night Lexa had lost the desire to care mainly about anything. Alcohol did that to her, it did that to most, fogging up their thoughts sure, making them say and do things they shouldn’t sure, in this case Lexa harbored a dirty secret from her best friend that she shouldn’t be, and alcohol was not a good thing to have if she wanted to keep that secret.

“Lexa,” Clarke grumbled as the brunette pressed her to the door as it closed behind them. It muffled the party, the voices, the music, even if it was dying out and people no longer crowded hallways, it was still too many, still too much and Lexa was so drunk she was seeing double of one person anyway.

“Want to tell you something.” Clarke’s hands slipped around the brunette’s neck. She was just as drunk of course, and drunken Clarke went along with anything. She was a free spirit, but she was also a force, full of her own bubbly emotions and confessions.

“You’re clingy drunk.” Clarke told her as if she didn’t know as Lexa pressed her body closer to Clarke’s.

“Don’t date curly hair.” She said with a much more level voice than expected from someone so inebriated. But she was on a mission, a mission she might regret, but right now it didn’t feel like that at all. It felt like the most important mission of her life and if she didn’t follow through with it, she feared the outcome.

“His hair’s not really curly.” Clarke says, her words a bit more slurred, her eyes glazed a so fucking beautiful Lexa could die just looking into them. She’s missing the point already.

“It’s curly enough.” She states with an eye roll.

“Why?” Clarke finally asks and Lexa shudders to the press of the blonde’s cold hands on her neck as she plays with the hair at the nape.

“You know why.” Lexa says it like it’s enough, like its three little words that mean something else. Lexa says it and of course it’s enough to completely shatter whatever bubble they have set themselves in for the last several years since maybe high school, maybe even before high school.

Clarke doesn’t say anything, just looks at her.

Lexa is too drunk to be nervous. “I don’t know when.” Lexa brushes her nose against Clarke’s and the blonde’s breathe catches audibly in her throat that Lexa can hear it. It’s unmistakable and she knows she’s not alone in this. She can’t be. “But someday.” The brunette’s lips brush against the blonde’s own and she makes a small noise in her throat that twists Lexa’s stomach and increases her heart rate.

“Lex,” Clarke shudders and Lexa’s heart seems to roar.

“You know he wouldn’t be forever.” She says hoarsely. She’s looking as deeply into Clarke’s eyes as she possibly can she hopes no matter how drunk they are that right now Clarke knows, that Clarke gets it, that Clarke might want her instead of him.

“I, I don’t,”

“Wait for me.” She interrupts, her voice slipping a bit from the leveled tone she had managed before as emotion erupts in her chest and seems to swallow her whole, shattering her with every inflicting smack of love that it possibly can for the girl she has pressed into the door. The one girl she has loved forever, and she knows she will love forever.

“Lexa,” the brunette backed up enough to see her eyes. The blonde cupped her face in-between her hands. “Only forever.” Clarke mumbled as if it was an unspoken prophecy that one day, one day they would be together, even though there is no real reason for them to even be apart now besides the battles that Lexa places on herself.

“Okay.” Lexa mumbles, pulling Clarke off the door and pulling it open so that they can rejoin the party. Lexa drinks more, clings to Clarke with every new consumption. She falls asleep against Clarke’s chest in the blonde’s bed with her dress half off, and when she wakes up, she doesn’t recollect much.

By the way Clarke looks at her when she opens her eyes, she isn’t sure she wants to remember.

Chapter Text

September, 2015

 

“Great,” Clarke grunted as she looked outside, her eyes following the droplets from the sky and watching as they crashed against the ground. Large drops just for her, she really should think about getting an umbrella. She let out a heavy breath and looked around her as if someone else in the building had the ability or the power to stop the weather from inconveniencing her, but of course, that just wasn’t the case.

She hated Wednesdays.

Mumbling to herself about her luck she pushed the heavy door open and slipped outside of it, immediately greeted with splashes of cold water on her skin. The day as grey as the way she paints lately. She pulls her phone from her back pocket and stuffs it in the front as if that’ll help protect it more. She jogs down the street, the rain colder than she had been expecting. Actually, she wasn’t sure what she was expecting, since it was September in Seattle.

She was maybe a block away from the gallery when she had decided that she wasn’t going to make it home like this. Cutting off down the sidewalk she moved along a shortcut down an alleyway, making it out the other side and up familiar steps. She didn’t know if Lexa was home, but she didn’t have a key to ask her permission and slipped the metal item into the lock once she got to the door, pushing it open and taking refuge in the dry hallway, shutting out the noise of the rain outside.

She collapsed against the hallway wall, resting her head against it as she dripped toward the tile on the ground. Not even a block and she was already soaking wet. She let out another huff and pushed herself off the wall, being relatively quiet as she made her way into the familiar apartment.

She had learned six months ago that arriving at Lexa’s apartment lately without warning didn’t turn out to be something good for her. The last time she had walked in on Lexa pressing a girl she had never seen before against the hallway wall right next to the front door and that had been a sight since the girl had been missing her pants.

Not something Clarke looked forward to experiencing again, not that she wasn’t happy her friend had found it in her to… get out there again. She wasn’t going to call it dating, because that really wasn’t what Lexa was doing, but it was still a step forward to being locked up in her house like a hermit and never leaving except for when Clarke begged her too.

The blonde stripped her jacket off her shoulders and noticed the place was rather dark and quiet, she assumed Lexa may not be home but she shut out the thought of where Lexa could be if she wasn’t home, deciding that it’s just better if she doesn’t know.

Clarke let out a shudder as the cold from the rain skated its way across her skin. She pulled her shirt off and dropped it on the floor, deciding to pick it up after she was able to get warm and headed into Lexa’s bedroom. The lights were off so she flipped them on and glanced around the unusually untidy room.

The thought of why it was that way churned her stomach so she shut it out.

She pulled her phone from her front pocket, sent Lexa a quick message that she was in her apartment and to hold off on bringing anyone there until she was at least gone and went about unbuttoning her jeans.

She was just pulling the zipper down in front of Lexa’s closet as she searched for the stuff she normally leaves over when a soft voice filtered its way into the room, making her jump about ten feet in the air. “Getting undressed for me already?” Lexa was teasing when Clarke turned to look at her, ignoring the way green eyes slipped slowly down her figure, a bit more exposed than she probably should be in front of her.

Clarke ignored the tug in her stomach at the look. “You wish,”

“I wasn’t planning on having anyone over tonight, but I can make an exception for you.” Lexa’s smirk widened along her lips in a way that was as attractive as it could possibly be. Of course it was, Lexa knew how to flirt, not that she expected an outcome, and not that Clarke expected anything to come of it. No, that’s just not what this was right now.

“Glad I’m worth your time.” Clarke offers back and turns her back on Lexa again to look for her stuff. Things have moved which is unusual, but Clarke doesn’t plan on asking Lexa why.

She’s just about to start sifting through stuff when Lexa speaks up again. “I moved it, first drawer.” She tells her softly and Clarke raises an eyebrow nearly to her hairline.

“That’s where you keep-”

“Shhh, I moved it.”

“There’s no one else here Lexa.” Clarke rolls her eyes and pulls the top drawer open, finding articles of her clothing that she has left over at Lexa’s many times before. She pulls a blue sweater out that actually used to be Lexa’s from high school and a pair of dry skinny jeans before she turns back around to look at the brunette girl, whose eyes were apparently roaming on their own down the length of Clarke’s body again. A slight dilation as she takes her in, a dilation that makes Clarke’s stomach flip because she knows what it means.

Not that either one of them will every mention it. “Your bras wet.” Lexa states simply and Clarke almost misses the slight pink tint that graces her cheekbones but she doesn’t. How could she miss it, whenever Lexa blushed she looked so pretty… and she was blushing at looking at Clarke which just makes Clarke suddenly feel warm rather than as cold as she was when she first arrived.

“I don’t averagely leave bras at your house.” She says instead of the thoughts circulating in her head, because she’s not allowed and cannot say those things. Despite the desire to cross the room and make a move that Lexa hasn’t yet.

“Probably should change that,” Lexa shrugs casually, leaning against the doorframe, eyes still on her as Clarke tugs the wet jeans off her body.

“I’m surprised to see you here on a Wednesday.” Clarke offers as conversation, mostly to distract herself from the way Lexa is looking at her, and from thoughts she never likes to acknowledge spilling out of her mouth like they haven’t been dancing around it for years without effort.

It was that stupid party that ruined their oblivious bubble.

“I’m tired.” Lexa shrugs again, eyes slipping down as Clarke unlatches her bra but doesn’t peel it off quite yet. She would have if this was six months ago, because changing in front of Lexa never used to be a problem.

It is now.

“Having a lot of sex does that.”

Lexa scoffs. “I do more things than that.”

“I’ve been afraid to come over lately.” Clarke tries to tease and keep out the crack in her voice at the thought of Lexa touching other girls, being with other girls, wanting other girls. Perhaps they always figured they were inevitable, perhaps it was just written there in the stars, that even if it weren’t to happen now it would one day. But until then they had lived in denial to anything possibly written out for them, until that dumb party and now every time Clarke tries to just be Lexa’s friend she’s painfully aware of how hard it is.

Painfully aware of how much she doesn’t want to be just friends anymore.

“You just have bad timing.” Lexa’s eyes slipped back up to her own as Clarke let the bra drop to the floor. Lexa’s eyes didn’t move, they stayed right there, staring into her own as if it was painful and incredibly difficult. It would be funny if Clarke wasn’t already feeling warm and antsy at their lack of momentum toward the inevitable.

Clarke broke the connection to pull the sweater over her head. “I’ve been thinking I should start knocking.” Clarke pulled her phone from the bed and pushed it into the back pocket of her jeans as she walked across the room toward Lexa, whose eyes were stuck on her face now. Unmoving even though she had pulled the sweater on and blocked her view of anything more personal.

“You haven’t knocked on my door for five years.” Lexa’s hand came up to slip through the wet strands of Clarke’s hair, pushing back the locks behind Clarke’s ear as a small bubble of something dangerous formed in the pit of the blonde’s stomach. She kept her eyes on Lexa’s, though they begged to move down, to look at her mouth and wonder what it felt like if her lips were to touch her own, just once, just briefly.

She backed away from her. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something Anya told me.” Clarke moved past Lexa into the living room and Lexa slowly followed her.

Lexa let out a small huff behind her as she followed her. “That can’t be good.”

“It’s not bad.” Clarke smiles at her. “Wedding preparations blah, blah, blah.” She used her hand to form a motion of a mouth talking up and down continuously because that’s what it felt like whenever Anya or Raven even at all talked about their wedding. An endless stream of the same exact thing over and over again.

“My dad isn’t invited I refuse.” Lexa shakes her head and Clarke can’t help the small chuckle that leaves her. Normally Lexa would invite her dad to anything, but Glen always managed to embarrass Lexa at weddings with his awkward dance skills and he’d pester Lexa about settling down so he could see her get married before he died, which was overly dramatic and Lexa hated it but it never failed to make Clarke laugh.

“Ah, I said the same thing about my mom but guess how well she listens.” Clarke can’t help the smile that takes over her face at the frustrated look that crosses the brunette’s pretty features.

“Of course.” Lexa huffs and takes a seat next to Clarke on the couch when the blonde does, the space between them almost non-existent. Something Clarke never used to think about, until that stupid dumb party.

“She wanted to make sure we had dates but I’m not really seeing anyone. And I know you do just fine, but I was thinking you could,”

“You want to be my date Clarke.” Lexa smiles widely at her and Clarke can’t stop the roll of her eyes.

Lexa’s teasing and smug look made saying she was right rather difficult. “Yes.” She huffs.

“That’ll make Bellamy so happy.” Lexa adjusts her body against the couch and rests her head in the palm of her hand as she props her elbow up on the back of the couch and gazes at Clarke, her eyes moving to nothing else, much in a fashion they always do, much in a fashion Clarke had never noticed until again, that party had made her notice.

Every time she was with Lexa now she couldn’t help but think about that party, and that door against her back, and Lexa’s lips brushing her own but never quite kissing her. “He asked me already.” She says as she tries to take her mind off the memory and move it toward something else.

She saw the annoyed look on Lexa’s face before the brunette clenched her jaw and masked her features with a fake look of lightheartedness. Clarke knows Lexa hates Bellamy. “I don’t know why you say no every time.” Yes you do.

Clarke snorts, wondering how in the last few months Lexa has gotten better at not showing her feelings and Clarke has miserably failed at not showing her own. “Is it hard to believe I’m not interested?”

“He’s your type though. You know, tall, dark, handsome.” Lexa’s nose crinkles up at the last word and Clarke admires it a second, finding it cuter than she’d ever admit out loud.

Lexa’s saying this to be neutral, to be her friend, but she knows how Lexa feels about him. Lexa knows Clarke knows, so why does she bother? “I’ve been more into… the opposite of that lately.” Clarke looks away from her, mind racing back to the memory of Lexa brushing her nose against hers, whispering for her to wait for her. Clarke’s heart picks up in pace and she avoids looking at Lexa to keep from saying anything she knows Lexa isn’t ready to hear.

“You’ve been into your own hand lately.” Lexa smirks teasingly as Clarke rolls her eyes.

“Don’t lecture me about dating, you don’t even date, you just jump into the bed.” Clarke snaps, a small sickening feeling accompanying that reality. She wants to ask Lexa why the hell she’s been doing that lately, and what the hell she’s waiting for when they’re both perfectly ready to move forward but she doesn’t. Because Lexa is waiting for something and has asked Clarke to wait too so she’ll wait. She’d wait forever, even if the wait is killing her.

“I didn’t say it was a bad thing, you have nice hands.” Lexa mumbles quietly, her left palm stretching across the space and grabbing Clarke’s hand as if to emphasis her point.

Clarke’s heart leaps into her mouth. “Lexa,” Clarke says with a sigh.

“What?” The brunette asks softly, her grip squeezing on Clarke’s hand and when the blonde looks at her, contemplating asking if Lexa even remembers that night, if she’s ready now, if it would be okay to kiss her just once, she knows she can’t ask her any of those things. Because Lexa isn’t ready for it and her eyes always looks at her so vulnerably every time Clarke says her name like she’s about to spill her guts.

“Nothing. I’m going to stay until it stops raining.” She turns her hand over and lets her fingers intertwine with Lexa’s, warmth that’s only comforting spreading through her when Lexa squeezes her palm again.

“Just stay the night; I haven’t seen you since Saturday.” She feels Lexa adjust so she frees her right hand and then she feels her fingers slip into the side of her hair again, pushing the locks back behind her ear again and making her heart rate pick up a bit.

She smiles. “Missing me?” Clarke manages to tease but she thinks her voice cracks a little because Clarke sure has missed Lexa.

“Always.” Lexa whispers and Clarke can’t understand how she didn’t get it, didn’t see before the party because Lexa is looking at her like she holds the entire world in her hands and Clarke’s heart is expanding and bursting with this feeling that’s always been here, always. She was stupid not to see it before… so stupid.

 

***

 

“You look nice; stop doing that weird fidget thing you do when you’re nervous.” Lexa swatted at Clarke’s hands as they tapped anxiously against anything they could, Clarke’s purse, Clarke’s thigh, Clarke’s other hand. It was surely annoying but on another level Lexa knew Clarke was only incredibly nervous and the fidget thing wasn’t going to help her.

“You realize who’s going to be here right Lexa, you do realize.” The blonde mutters out quickly, her tone hushed and quiet like if she talks too loud it’ll ruin her chances at a good first impression. It’s almost ridiculous but Lexa can understand her nonetheless.

“I realize but you need to relax.” Lexa squeezed her hands that have now tangled together and were holding each other so tight Lexa was sure Clarke was cutting off blood circulation to both hands.

Clarke parted her hands and smoothed them down her dress before glancing down at herself. “Do you think this is fancy enough? It’s not fancy enough is it, we should go back,” Lexa grabbed Clarke’s arm, stopping her from exiting out of the door.

“Clarke, breathe. You look great, perfect even.” Lexa runs her fingers through the side of Clarke’s hair gently, pushing blonde strands behind her ear in a calming action that always seems to help them both.

Clarke sighs. “Okay, you have to stay all night.” She tells Lexa with wide blue eyes and the brunette smiles lightly at her best friend. She can’t imagine being anywhere else anyway.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Even if you threw a painting at my head I wouldn’t leave.” She offers up for comfort and watches Clarke relax a bit in front of her. Her blue eyes lose a fraction of the worry they had held before and even a soft attentive smile makes its way across her lips that Lexa struggles not to stare at.

“Why would I throw a painting at your head?” The blonde asks with a rising eyebrow and amusement in her gaze.

Lexa is just happy that she has managed to breathe and gain control of her nervous fidgeting. “I don’t know; why would you do that?” The brunette teases, tilting her head to the side slightly as she gazes at Clarke’s face with curiosity.

The blonde can’t help the chuckle that escapes her, Lexa finds the sound lovely. “Shut up.” Clarke rolls pretty blue eyes and Lexa can’t help the slight snicker that leaves her as she urges her friend further into the gallery. The event seemingly has unfolded smoothly and eventually Clarke has to leave her side to discuss work related things to the gallery’s other owners and partners and she has to present her own paintings.

Lexa manages to wander off, checking every corner of a gallery she’s been to hundreds of times. She never minds looking at all the art that Clarke invests so much of her time in, whether that be her own or somebody else’s. She doesn’t always understand each one, and she’s not really artistic, but she finds them fascinating and they’re always nice to look at, and watching Clarke at these events is something she can’t resist.

Halfway through the event she’s had three conversations with three different strangers about art, some of that conversation she didn’t fully comprehend but she had kept up as well as she could.

She walks around a bit looking for Clarke and eventually finds her talking to Bellamy near the food table. A small huff leaves Lexa before she can stop it as she watches Clarke giggle at whatever Bellamy seems to mumble in her ear.

“Drink ma’am?” Lexa jumps slightly as the man offers her a tray of champagne. Lexa nods once, taking a glass before her eyes leave him to find Clarke again, pushing at Bellamy’s arm. A low burn starts in the pit of Lexa’s stomach and she guzzles the alcohol down.

What is he even doing here?

 

 

“Hi baby,” Lexa mumbles with her lips pressed to the shell of Clarke’s ear, arms wrapping around the blonde’s waist and pulling her back gently against her body, resting her chin on the blonde’s shoulder as she feels the girl shudder to her touch. She absolutely loves when she can feel Clarke melt to her. She’s sure Clarke wouldn’t melt to Bellamy’s touches, that intruder is staring at them.

“Someone’s been drinking.” Clarke chuckles, her hands sliding against Lexa’s arms making the brunette hum slightly behind her before she tangles her fingers with Lexa’s, resting her palms on top of hers.

Lexa loves being this close to Clarke and has the urge to tell her, but she hasn’t drunk enough to blindly confess her feelings… that would be a disaster. “Maybe a little.” Lexa mumbles quietly and presses a kiss to the skin under Clarke’s ear, grinning more when the blonde shudders yet again in her arms. Lexa thinks she really, really loves that.

“Maybe a lot.” Clarke chuckles again and Lexa grins wider as she listens to the sound.

The intruder approaches closer to them, still staring. “Ah, the friend that’s not your girlfriend right?” Bellamy says as he appears in front of them, the grin on Lexa’s face disappears and is replaced with a scowl, her arms tightening around Clarke’s waist subconsciously and protectively.

She knows she shouldn’t act like this, it’s not fair to Clarke, but she can’t help it. “My name is Lexa.” She mutters rather coldly, the glare on her face only seeming to intensify the longer she looks at him. Bellamy seems to suddenly avoid eye contact.

Clarke leans her head back and tips it slightly to be near Lexa’s ear. “Be nice,” She scolds lightly, Lexa doesn’t verbally respond but does nuzzle into Clarke’s neck and tighten her hold. “Excuse her; she gets grumpy after breathing in too many paint fumes.” Clarke chuckles lightly, making an excuse for her behavior.

Lexa wants to tell Bellamy that she just doesn’t like him, but reframe for Clarke’s sake. “I don’t.” Bellamy winks at Clarke and Lexa almost growls but manages to hold off the desire to actually physically sock Bellamy in the face. It’s an unreasonable desire, but it doesn’t feel that way with a fogged over brain and Clarke warm and comfortable in her arms.

Clarke chuckles but her grip on Lexa’s arms that are around her waist tightens. It’ makes Lexa’s stomach swoop and she forgets momentarily that there is a tall guy flirting with Clarke in front of them. “Funny, the answers still no Bellamy.” Clarke tells him and Lexa doesn’t know what she’s talking about but “no” and “Bellamy” in the same sentence sounds good to her.

“Awe, come on Princess,” The boy tries to dazzle her with whatever white tooth smile he’s sending in her direction but it doesn’t seem to be working.

All it does instead is serve to piss Lexa off. “Princess?” Lexa scoffs. “You kidding?” Clarke is a queen… princess… that’s absurd.

“Lex,” Clarke warns gently again, her palms squeeze her arms and she leans back somewhat to place a calming kiss against Lexa’s jawline, it relaxes her until the boy speaks again.

“Your friend is always on edge.” Bellamy chuckles, clearly trying to lighten the mood but Lexa just really doesn’t like him.

“My name is Lexa.” She snaps and Clarke turns her head to look at the side of her face.

She’s not happy with Lexa’s attitude. “Lex stop he’s just messing around,” She’s trying to keep the conversation civil, and Lexa would be all too happy to fake it if she hadn’t drank enough to make her “I don’t give a shit” attitude to pop out.

But the fact of the matter is, Bellamy is not someone Lexa wants to see tonight. She wants to celebrate Clarke’s success alone with her best friend and she can’t do that with a stupid boy trailing after her and drooling at his feet. It’s unpleasant. “Yeah relax.”

She scoffs again because this boy has the audacity to tell her to relax. “Relax; you really like it when he calls you that Clarke?” She turns her gaze away from him, fed up and annoyed and instead focuses on the one person in the room that matters.

Clarke is not happy with her… great. “Lexa,”

“I’m going to get going now.” Bellamy seems to run off with his tail between his legs, not even looking back as he exits. Clarke visibly steps three feet away from Lexa, pinning her with a disapproving stare as the brunette huffs heavily where she stands, crossing her arms along her chest.

“What’s wrong with you?” Clarke asks simply, her voice soft though she disapproves of her attitude.

Lexa feels a tug at her heart for upsetting her on a night like this one. “Nothing, I don’t like that guy.” She says quietly and looks down at her feet, kicking her shoe slightly at the tile and avoiding Clarke gaze.

“Why?” Clarke’s eyebrow rises up, almost like she already knows the answer but she wants Lexa to say it. It twists the brunette’s gut unpleasantly, like Clarke is able to see inside of her heart and all the things she tries to bury as deep as she can, especially after coming to the realization of what those things are.

Lexa averts her gaze again and shrugs, eyes searching out the guy with the champagne again. “I don’t know.” She whispers but it’s a lie. A lie she doesn’t have the strength to tell tonight. She shouldn’t have drunk anything if she was going to be so weak about her feelings. Clarke doesn’t deserve that.

“Lexa, you don’t have anything to worry about. I’m not going to date him.” Clarke’s hand is reaching out for her, and brushes against the skin on her arm briefly before it drops back to her side. Lexa has the urge to step into Clarke’s space and confess and then kiss her but she doesn’t follow through.

“I’m not worried, if you wanted to date him that would be your mistake because he’s related to Octavia.” Lexa makes a face, her nose scrunching up at the very thought and Clarke can’t help the small snort that leaves her.

“I think it’s time we get you home.” She says and steps closer to Lexa, studying her like she’s waiting for Lexa to tell her something important but Lexa doesn’t know what it is she’s waiting for.

“I’m not worried.” She says instead as Clarke presses her hand to Lexa’s lower back to guide her toward the exit of the gallery.

“Sure.” The blonde says but sounds unconvinced.

Lexa’s heart sinks briefly. “Clarke-”

“You’re not worried, I know.” The blonde says with a chuckle but Lexa’s heart is still sinking. Like she’s missing an opportunity but she doesn’t quite know what opportunity that is.

“I just want you to be happy, and if he made you happy, I would get over it.” It’s maybe the closest thing Lexa has said to what’s in her heart all night and it makes Clarke stop them briefly so that she can look at her.

Clarke only smiles at her gently. “You make me happy, let’s go home now.”

 

***

 

October, 2015

 

“Why have you two been so weird lately?” Raven is spreading the table cloth along the table. Anya had been working on dinner all night and Lexa had seemingly wanted to help her instead of trailing along behind Clarke which she normally did whenever they were around each other, unless of course Anya was cooking her favorite, which tonight, is exactly what she was doing.

Clarke pretended she didn’t know what Raven was talking about. “What do you mean?”

“You and Lexa, you’re like… I don’t know. Acting weird.” Raven shrugs as she smoothed out the table cloth on her side.

“What kind of weird.” Clarke smoothed out the table cloth on her end as well and avoided eye contact.

“I don’t know what kind of weird; I mean you’re both individually weird. It’s just.” Raven shrugged and met Clarke’s eye line when the blonde looked up at her. “You’ve both just been so distant from each other lately, I mean when you’re together you seem normal but you haven’t been spending that much time together and Lexa is always going out.”

Clarke frowns and looks down at the table cloth as she sets a plate down on the left side, careful not to mess up the smoothed out cloth. “Not really. I was just at her place, she-”

“No. That’s not what I mean Clarke. I mean. You guys have been best friends since six years old. Where she goes you go, where you go she goes. It hasn’t been like that lately, are you fighting? Did you sleep together because I know that might be weird if you guys didn’t admit your feelings and-”

“We didn’t sleep together why would you think that?” Clarke asks a bit too incredulously. She knows Raven is still going to harass her about her feelings for Lexa, despite Clarke still continuously denying them. But Raven was right about those feelings so it’s not like Clarke doesn’t get why she does it.

She hates that Raven was right. “I don’t know Lexa’s been on a tryst lately.” Raven shrugs and Clarke feels her stomach turn until she thinks she might be sick. She tries to shove the thought of Lexa with other girls down, but it’s been haunting her for the last few months now, urging her to talk to Lexa about how she’s feeling but she doesn’t. She avoids it, because she’s scared and because Lexa asked her to wait.

“Well I’m not a notch on her bed post.” Clarke said a little bitterly as she began to set plates down with Raven.

“That’s it isn’t it, you both slept together and you didn’t talk at all, and now it’s weird.”

“We haven’t slept together and we’re not fighting. Everything’s fine, Lexa’s just… she’s come out of a hard time, you know. She’s better so she’s going out more and I’ve been busy with the gallery. Our schedules are just not lined up all the time.” Clarke shrugs hoping Raven will let this situation and this conversation slide. It’s a bit annoying to have her stick her nose into their business when Lexa and Clarke haven’t even figured out what their business is yet.

“Anya has this theory; I told her it was stupid.” Raven waved it off as if she wasn’t going to tell Clarke what it is but there was no way the blonde was going to let her get away with whatever it was that easily.

“What theory?”

“Well, I mean, she always assumed with you two that it was a matter of time you know, like it’s bound to happen. I’m not so sure you have the guts at this point. But she said,” Raven stopped putting silverware down beside the plates. “Did she break your heart Clarke? Were you together and then for some reason you broke up and now she’s-”

“No way Raven, Lexa and I…” Clarke sets silverware down neatly beside a plate and keeps her eyes away from Raven. “I promise it’s nothing like that. We’ve both just been busy, and Lexa’s you know… sort of dating again and she always gets… distance I guess when she’s dating.”

“She’s not really dating though.” Raven’s eyebrows wiggle as Clarke forces a chuckle out, ignoring the sinking of her heart at that very thought.

“Yeah.” Her voice cracks and she thinks she can’t hold back emotions for shit.

 

***

 

“I have to be going.” Lexa says as she checks the time on her phone.

“Why, you got another bed partner.” Raven teases cheekily as the brunette looks up from her cellphone to meet the girl’s eye line. She just glares at her, clearly not planning on explaining where she’s actually going to go but she doesn’t plan on having Clarke think that she’s fooling around with anyone tonight, especially when she had plans to make the night all about Clarke.

“No.” She frowns a bit. “It’s something else.” She stands from the table. “Also next time I’ll make the garlic bread so it doesn’t get burnt.” Lexa smiles at Anya sweetly as the girl offers her, her best glare.

Anya grumbles. “Please leave.”

“Will do.” The brunette leans over the seat beside her and presses a gently kiss against Clarke’s cheek that the blonde hadn’t been expecting, making her jump slightly as she turns to meet Lexa’s eyes that are very level with hers.

Lexa thinks that Clarke’s eyes can sometimes take her to a whole new universe when she looks in them and she still doesn’t quite know how they do that. “I have something for you, come over later.” She mumbles it quietly, like she wants it to be some kind of secret between them alone but she knows that Anya and Raven can hear her nonetheless.

“Do you want me to knock?” Clarke teases lightly with a slight grin on her lips.

The brunette rolls her eyes. “You’ll come?” She asks instead, because the night won’t work if Clarke doesn’t show up after dinner at her apartment.

“Yeah sure.” Clarke smiles fondly at her and Lexa feels her heart flutter.

“Great,” She smiles brightly at the blonde, combing her fingers through the side of Clarke’s hair gently. For a moment Lexa just stares at Clarke’s eyes and she wonders how the hell they always manage to look so much like the sky. Maybe she would ask if it were only them, but she suddenly remembers it’s not and breaks the contact.

When Lexa looks back at her other friends Anya is only rolling her eyes as if she’s perfectly aware of everything and anything Lexa feels and does. She ignores her the best she can, pressing one last kiss to Clarke’s cheek before she disappears down the hallway, off to pick up Clarke’s birthday present and set the evening up in a way she knows Clarke will love.

 

 

“Lexa!?” Clarke calls down the hallway of the brunette’s apartment.

“You’re early!” Lexa appears in the hallway, cladded in a nice dress that hugs the curves of her body in a way that keeps the blonde from thinking purely. She has to fight the urge to let her eyes wander and force them to look at Lexa’s face.

There’s a small sinking feeling that accompanies discovering Lexa looking so absolutely good. “Sorry, dinner ended fast and- Lexa why do you look like that, you have a date?” She doesn’t want to ask, of course not, she can’t really handle anymore dates or at least knowing about them before she might blow up and say something Lexa isn’t ready for. But she asks anyway because she wants Lexa to tell her she doesn’t.

“Yes,” Clarke’s heart sinks heavily, straight down to her stomach, twisting and turning it until she almost wants to throw up. She doesn’t know if she can keep coming in on Lexa’s dates without overreacting, yelling at her for what she said in the bedroom. She acts like she doesn’t even know she said it sometimes and Clarke isn’t sure she can tolerate this much longer.

“Oh,” Her disappointment is clear, she’s never been the best actor despite the fact that she bottles up her feelings. Even if she was good at hiding her discomfort, Lexa knows her too well to miss it.

“With you.” Lexa moves down the hallway. “I know it’s early, but you’re working on your birthday and I had to leave early to set up.” When Lexa descends on her it takes Clarke a second to figure out what she was even saying to her, because she looks so nice and her hair is down and cascading over one shoulder and Clarke’s heart hurts with all of her beauty.

“Wait what?” She asks after a moment of blatantly staring at her best friend in a way best friends don’t normally or shouldn’t stare at each other.

“For your birthday. I got dessert because we had dinner already, come on.” Lexa reaches her hand out to Clarke and the blonde spends a minute just staring at it, her heart back in its proper place in her chest and pounding so hard she’s sure Lexa can hear it. She wonders if it’ll ever stop doing that.

“My birthday.” Clarke says calmly as she takes Lexa’s hand. She places her hand in Lexa’s and lets the brunette drag her down the hallway toward her living room, her breath catching when they finally reach their destination and she can see the candles and the flowers and Clarke’s favorite cake with a piece uncut and separated with its own unlit candle placed on the top of it.

Her heart clenches. “I got you two presents, don’t lecture me about.” Lexa says teasingly, smiling at her so brilliantly that Clarke wishes she could actually kiss her in this moment.

“You got me two presents and a live action romantic comedy.” She waves her hands around, parting her palm from Lexa’s to gesture at Lexa’s apartment, littered with romantic things that’s all of Clarke’s favorite. How the hell is she not supposed to be in love with her when she does stuff like this?

Lexa snorts. “Would you like a kiss at the end of the night or the beginning?” She’s teasing again, just teasing, her green eyes twinkling in the light of the candles but Clarke’s heart races at the mere thought of Lexa actually kissing her.

The blonde however, only rolls her eyes and ignores the pitter-patter of her heart at the image that she manages to conjure up in her mind of kissing Lexa. She has to resist the urge to look at her lips as her mind travels to that place again, of wonderment and curiosity. What does she taste like? “This is amazing but,”

“No buts. You’re my best friend and you deserve amazing and you’re not going to lecture me about pampering my best friend when I perfectly have the funds to do so.” Lexa has that look on her face, that warning look that she’s not going to listen to any of Clarke’s arguments.

It’s adorable and Clarke’s heart hurts. “You’re not supposed to yell at me on my birthday.” Clarke pops out her lower lip in a slight pout, pretending not to notice the way Lexa’s eyes immediately travel to it. She’s always looking at her mouth, of course Clarke knows why but she tries to shove the thought into the back of her mind for the rest of the evening because if she doesn’t, she will definitely say something she shouldn’t.

She can’t say anything, no matter how bad she aches too because Lexa asked her to wait. She pressed her to the door at that stupid party and asked her to wait for her, so that’s what Clarke has to do, even if it feels like the most incredibly painful thing she could possibly do. Even if she’d like to press Lexa to some wall herself and kiss her so hard that they both can’t remember why they haven’t done it before.

She can’t do that, she has to wait, and for Lexa, she’d wait forever.

 

***

 

November, 2015

 

Clarke pushes the door open to Lexa’s apartment Thursday night and regrets it much in the same way she has been regretting many times for the last few months, though she is thankful it’s not the same exact situation and she’s walking in on anything before it starts.

“Oh Lexa, I didn’t realize you had a roommate.” A tall girl with really curly hair is sitting on the couch, having turned her head to see Clarke as she enters. She’s very pretty and probably Lexa’s type.

Clarke’s heart can’t take looking at her for very long. “That not my roommate, that’s just Clarke.” Just Clarke, just Clarke.

“Okay, well just Clarke,” The girl stands from the couch and makes her way around it to stand in against the back off the couch, waving her hand at the blonde girl. “I’m Luna, nice to meet you.”

“Are you on a date?” Clarke asks with a thumping heartbeat full of dread at the very thought. She looks at Lexa briefly, just glancing at the business casual outfit before checking over the other girl and noticing she’s in much the same thing.

“Um,” Luna frowns. “No.” The girl raises a curious eyebrow, her eyes examining Clarke as if she has no right to ask that question before they glance over at Lexa as if begging her to explain.

“Clarke I told you, the transfers from the TonDC branch came over today. Luna is one of them; we’re working together on a project.” Lexa motions with her hands toward the papers strewn out across the coffee table in front of her, where she sits on her knees hovering over them.

Clarke feels less sick as she takes notice. “Oh,” Clarke lets out a breath of relief. “Sorry, I’ll get out of your hair, I just came to-”

“No, no, I was just leaving. I’ll see you at work Lexa.” Luna waves to the brunette and smiles widely as Lexa waves. The smile leaves Luna’s lips when she looks at Clarke. “Nice meeting you.” She says stiffly, as if Clarke really had interrupted something.

Clarke decides she doesn’t like her, and rolls her eyes when the door clicks behind her. “You’re going after your co-workers now?” She asks rather bitterly. She doesn’t exactly mean to but she’s fed up with Lexa bringing girl’s home and always running into them, especially when they act like that.

“What no, I have a policy.” Lexa looks taken aback by her statement, and stands up from the floor, wiping the wrinkles out of her shirt.

“Lexa I don’t get it.” Clarke’s heart is pounding fast and hard against her breast bone. She’s furious and Lexa is looking at her like she’s going crazy and she’s tired of this. She’s just tired of it.

“What?” Lexa asks carefully, taking notice of Clarke’s mood, the tense stance, straight back, hands balled into fists. She’s not exactly disguising her discomfort, not that she’s any good at disguising her feelings lately anyways.

“You weren’t sleeping with anyone; you told me you weren’t interested in flings after Costia. You told me you just wanted someone that made you feel things.” Her hands fly around her. Her emotions cracking her voice and making it not sound as steady as she’d like it to.

“Clarke I promise that wasn’t anything.” Lexa collects up a few papers and shoves them into a vanilla folder, pushing it into the middle of the coffee table. “It was all work.” She steps away from the coffee table and makes her way around the couch until she’s standing in front of Clarke.

The blonde could feel her stomach turning at the look Luna had given her, could feel herself shudder unpleasantly at the thought of them together. She wasn’t sure how long she could wait up anymore. “I don’t understand what’s going on with you.” She says quietly, trying hard not to let herself get too emotional over something so simple. If she wasn’t so in love with her this wouldn’t be so hard.

Lexa’s fingers flitted lightly against the side of her face, into her hair, pushing strands behind her ear and Clarke felt herself relax immediately. “I’m feeling.” The brunette smiles at her gently. “I’m feeling all the time.” She says it like it’s some kind of success and Clarke returns her smile because in a sense it is.

Lexa has been feeling empty for so long, Clarke knows that. She knows she could ask about what Lexa had said that night at that party, could ask her about it all because she’s waiting, waiting just like she asked.

But she says nothing because that’s exactly what she’s meant to do. Wait. “Do you have to feel on every surface of your apartment?” Clarke wrinkles her nose and Lexa chuckles, pulling the blonde in her arms and hugging her gently to her body.

Clarke sometimes forgets how to breathe when Lexa is this close to her. “I’m sorry that things have been so weird. I’ll make it up to you, just,” Lexa backs up. “I just feel good.” She mumbles happily and Clarke’s heart soars at her small smile.

She blinks back her emotion the best she can and tries to remember to put Lexa first. She shouldn’t be so concerned with her own feelings, her own desire to push things forward too fast. Lexa is getting better, and deciding on what’s best for her and as long as Lexa is happy, Clarke is happy for her. “I know.” Clarke backs up and thinks she really isn’t breathing. She wonders if it’s going to be like this every time she can see the color change in Lexa’s eyes and be able to tell the moment her pupils start to dilate. “I’m happy for you.” Clarke brushes her thumb across a gentle cheekbone and Lexa smiles widely at her.

A smile she hasn’t seen in some time. “Let’s go to dinner okay, you have that reservation right?” Clarke nods. “Okay great, wait for me while I get ready.” Lexa parts from Clarke and takes off to her bedroom.

Clarke’s heart aches in her chest as she watches her disappear. “Only forever.” She mumbles dejectedly and walks around the couch to collapse against the surface of it.

 

***

 

Friday Lexa wakes up from the same dream she’s been having for the last couple of months. Sometimes she doesn’t have it, but she’s been getting used to waking up because of it. Something about a dark bedroom in Clarke’s house. She knows which bedroom it is, the guest one upstairs, with the nice sheets. She doesn’t know why she keeps dreaming of Clarke against the door but she does, and each time it ends differently.

Sometimes Lexa tells her she’s in love with her, words Lexa’s been denying every day she wakes up for a long time. Sometimes Lexa just kisses her and kisses her and kisses her until she wakes up and can’t kiss her anymore. Those nights Lexa finds dreaming far better than real life. Sometimes Clarke says something about waiting forever and Lexa never quite understands that but that dream always ends with Clarke opening the door and telling her forever is overrated. Lexa doesn’t like that one.

Sometimes, sometimes it’s really simple. It’s just Lexa staring at Clarke and Clarke staring at Lexa. Lexa tugging at Clarke’s clothes and Clarke tugging at Lexa’s. Lexa touching Clarke’s skin, but only pieces Lexa has touched in real life. Lexa wakes up on those mornings the moment her dream self has managed to touch the nice bed sheets in that guest room and Clarke whispers “only forever” in her ear like she’s never allowed to have her.

It’s the same kind of dreams, they never end, always open like the dreams themselves are waiting for Lexa to finish them but she doesn’t know how, she doesn’t even know why she’s having them. She does know that Clarke and Lexa, together, wasn’t something that was going to happen, even if Clarke really was the only girl that ever made her feel in all the ways your supposed to feel all at once. Like an overload of emotion that Lexa has never been able to grasp until Clarke is gripping her hand.

She wishes she had the courage to put aside her doubts and just tell her, to ruin and completely shatter their friendship and beg for far more than she should even be allowed to have. Sometime she feels like it’s obvious how she feels, like it sits on the coffee table when they stay in an watch movies and she ends up staring at Clarke far more than she ever does at the screen.

Of course she knows she’s not the least bit worthy of Clarke, but Lexa has never been one to dwell too much on what was too good for her and what wasn’t. In a perfect world she would have already asked Clarke for everything she can never stop thinking about. In a perfect world where she wasn’t afraid of losing her all together, where she wasn’t afraid of placing her heart that normally feels nothing, completely at the mercy of another’s hands that could shatter it and make her feel everything, she would kiss her and press her to every surface of her apartment and listen to all the different sounds she could make.

But this isn’t a perfect world.

Tonight wasn’t the best time to have a dream like this, especially the hotter one, with shedding of clothes and soft bed sheets where Lexa wakes up to sweat on her forehead and an ache between her legs she normally tries her hardest to ignore. Clarke is here this night, her body pressed to Lexa’s in ways that leave little to Lexa’s imagination, which is just great, just great for her.

But Clarke is sound asleep, and Lexa never wants to wake her so she scums to lying awake there below her, eyes on the ceiling instead of looking at Clarke and trying hard to think of anything but her.

It never works.

Lexa aches, awake in her heart and in every piece of her body but she can never say anything. Sometimes she wonders if Clarke ever feels it too, ever wakes up wet and emotional from some dream with her in it, if she ever wishes she could just tell her and kiss her until the world crumbles around them.

She probably doesn’t, but Lexa cannot help the hope that she does. That she is not alone in this. She wants Clarke to feel everything she feels, but she doesn’t know what good that would do because would it really mean anything at all? Would it help? Would it make it easier to tell her? Would it make it possible to tell her?

It doesn’t feel like it would. It feels like the inevitable would happen, and in that inevitable she’d lose the best thing that ever happened to her. Sure she could live afterwards but it would be like living a life of survival. Like she walks around, bare minimum, doing what she needs to, to sustain life but never truly feeling anything. Clarke is feelings, Clarke is light and happiness and her breath on hard days.

She can’t lose that because she aches with this love. She would only hurt Clarke. Sometimes she is too much like her father and she fears it. She fears placing that burden of handling her, tolerating her in those days she can’t be anything else and she doesn’t want to do that. She doesn’t really deserve her, but in the end it’s not really that, that stops her.

She doesn’t think it’s fair for her. It’s not fair, it wouldn’t be. Lexa is emotionless on her best days, and placing the burden on Clarke to make her feel is not something she can handle doing, even if she grows weak at times and allows herself to rely on the feeling. She has to be strong enough to deserve her, to be fair, to love her. She has to be strong enough that there won’t be an ounce of weakness in her heart when she tells Clarke how she really feels because only then will she deserve a chance to prove to her that she can take care of her.

She’s not there yet, she’s not worthy yet and maybe she never will be and maybe she’ll miss her opportunity to a guy like Bellamy, or that girl at the coffee shop Clarke goes to and always ends up flirting with behind the cash register. Maybe they’ll be able to give Clarke something Lexa can’t in the time it takes her to be strong enough for her, but she could live with that. She could live with placing her love for Clarke aside in order for Clarke to be happy with someone who may deserve her, though Lexa’s starting to think no one deserves her.

Clarke is something special. Clarke is something ethereal, made of glitter and sunshine and stars. She isn’t sure there is someone out there that exists to be good enough for her, but she does know that as long as they make her happy, as long as they respect her, then they’d have a chance.

Even if the thought of Clarke with anyone else makes Lexa’s stomach turn and burn with something ugly and deep. A small piece of her hopes that she won’t have to wait much longer to be strong enough for her, that it’ll be soon that she won’t feel so weak anymore and then she can finish what her dreams always start.

“Lexa,” Clarke mumbles, pulling her from her thoughts and making her adjust to briefly glance at her.

“Hmm,” She asks noticing Clarke has not opened her eyes yet, but stays in her position, snuggled into her and comfortable.

She looks peaceful and it makes Lexa’s heart ache more. “Are you having trouble sleeping?”

Lexa’s heart clenches as Clarke’s eyes open so she can look into pretty blue eyes, her gaze tired as the blues slip briefly to Lexa’s mouth. “I’m okay, just a… dream.” She whispers quietly, like if she talks any louder it’ll break whatever peace they seem to be wrapped in.

But nothing can break their peace when they are together like this. “I can make you some tea?” Clarke offers with droopy tired eyes and a raspy voice that flips Lexa’s stomach.

She smiles briefly, her chest expanding with how much she loves her. “No, just stay here, with me.” She whispers again, voice cracking slightly on her emotions and Clarke seems to sense that Lexa needs her because she only nods and snuggles back into her chest. Her eyes shutting and her hold tightening and making Lexa feels safe and warm.

Right before she falls asleep again a small, “Okay.” Leaves her lips and Lexa knows that she will never ever love someone as much as she loves Clarke Griffin.

 

***

 

December, 2015

 

Clarke is covered in paint. Very rarely does she manage to get this messy, but today, today is different. Not only did she need a new specific series for the gallery, but she also needed a release. A release of the frustration, of her own emotions before it boiled over out of her mouth and into the air between her and Lexa and she says something stupid.

She didn’t realize the different variations of Lexa she had been painting until halfway through the third one. It shouldn’t be a surprise really; it’s what Clarke does when something’s on her mind. Something she can’t talk to Lexa about.

She doesn’t remember where she left her phone, she’s sure it’s good the gadget is away from her for the time being as she moves back and forth in the room between different paintings because she can’t get her mind to focus on just one. She wonders if she’ll be able to finish them this time. Normally when she paints Lexa she always feels like they go incomplete, always missing something very important but she can’t figure out what that important thing is.

She knows when she looks out the window and the stars and peeking in that she should probably stop and take a shower and go to bed. But her focus is hard to break as she paints the trees, different color leafs, those eyes she can never quite paint right, never get quite as perfect as they actually are.

It’s an accumulation of emotion, boiling over and spilling out of her onto a white canvas, ridding it of it bareness and splashing it with all the colors that Lexa is, a variation of greens and blues and yellows and oranges, everything that looks like sunsets and waterfalls and lakes and freshly rained on grass and forest trees.

She clenches her jaw as she works in black around pretty green eyes, feeling as if it fits and she wonders, wonders if this will help her finally push these feelings far away from her, down and down until she barely notices them so she can tolerate this. This waiting and patience that Lexa has requested of her, this pain of biting her tongue in moments where all she wants to do is scream her feelings.

She wonders if Lexa ever feels like this. Maybe not.

“Fuck,” Clarke huffs when her paintbrush moves off a bit too far to the left, smearing in a way she definitely did not want it too. She throws it down, staring at the painting and staring at the smear and clenching her jaw until it hurts.

She wonders why she can never get her eyes right.

She huffs one last time before she turns away from the painting, exiting the room with the slam of her door and dripping paint down her hallways until she makes it down the stairs and to her room. When she looks in the mirror she almost laughs because of course she was crying too. There’s green paint on her cheek, and orange paint on her neck, and a splash of yellow in her hair. How did she get to be this mess? She’s not normally the messy one.

She chucks off her white paint shirt, it’s got enough holes in it that she doesn’t really care what happens to it anymore, turning from her own sad reflection she moves to her shower, turning it on and letting it heat up.

She pulls her hair out of the tie that had kept it up and out of her face and combs her hands through it, fingers catching along the stiff part where yellow stays. Her mind moves back to that night, the press of the door to her back, Lexa’s face so close to her own that she can see each different fleck of color in her eyes, even with the room having been so dark.

Why is that moment so clear, so clear like she hadn’t drunk a thing, like she was perfectly sober and the world hadn’t been spinning at that moment when it truly had? She remembers it like it was a normal Wednesday, like Clarke had just brought Lexa her groceries and Lexa had made her dinner and they were watching their favorite TV show together.

It was so frustrating because Clarke was consumed by these thoughts, and these fantasies of “what ifs” and “could haves” but the reality was, she was only Lexa’s friend and Lexa was her friend and they were nothing more than that despite everything Clarke feels inside of her. Despite what Lexa had asked of her against that stupid dumb door.

She still doesn’t know what to do. She’s not the greatest at handling this and she knows Lexa wouldn’t be either… probably isn’t. She wishes she could stop thinking about it. She wishes she could look at Lexa’s face and not see that night in her head clear as day. She wishes she could breathe around her and stop imagining what it would be like to kiss her.

Lexa is her best friend first but she hasn’t been acting like her best friend. She’s been acting like a love stricken fool with unrequited feelings and it’s making her crazy. She has to figure something out, something different because she can’t keep doing this, feeling this way.

“Clarke!” She hears her front door close and it makes her jump, Lexa’s voice traveling through the house, though it’s faint to her behind her bathroom door.

She opens her door and moves out of her room to go find Lexa, grabbing a shirt and throwing it over her head first before she meets Lexa in the living room, the girl dressed up far too nicely to be dropping by for the evening. Clarke hopes it’s not another date.

“You can’t go looking like that.” Lexa says with her fingers brushing through her own hair as she examines Clarke’s attire.

“Go where?”

“You forgot, you said you wouldn’t forget.” Lexa looks exasperated as Clarke tries to search her brain to remember whatever plans they had made together.

She furrows her brows. “Lexa I’m so sorry I don’t remember making any plans today.”

“Remember, the dinner with our parents, my dad leaving the house for once?”

“Oh fuck, that’s today?”

“Yes, you have paint everywhere.” Lexa approaches her and seems to check her over like the paint stains are blood wounds. She brushes over them with her fingertips as if that’s enough to clean them and Clarke’s heart leaps into her throat as her stomach flips. “As beautiful as you always look, you know how your mom is going to react if she sees you like this.”

“Beautiful,” Clarke’s voice is small and cracks along the word. Her heart pound hard and fast and aching with how in love she is and she wants to say something but she can’t seem to find any words as Lexa stares at her. Lexa calling her beautiful, Lexa looking into her eyes like this. She can’t breathe, she doesn’t want to breathe, and she’d much prefer to stay here forever.

Lexa looks at her with an eyebrow rising as she seems to try and determine Clarke’s mood, but Clarke is sure she won’t figure it out or at least won’t want to. Clarke’s heart is racing. “Are you okay?” The brunette asks with genuine concern. “Do we have to cancel?”

“No, I just need a shower.” Clarke breathes heavily as Lexa brushes her fingertips along her cheekbone before her fingers shift through her hair and push the strands back behind her ear. She can’t breathe with the way Lexa is staring at her.

“You look so pretty when you have paint all over you.” Lexa whispers quietly and Clarke wants to break. Wants to close the distance that feels already so little between them and kiss her so hard they both forget about dinner with their parents, or waiting, or whatever the hell else it is keeping them apart.

She can hardly resist Lexa when she looks at her like that. “Lex,”

Both of Lexa’s hands are brushing through her hair now, pushing them back and Lexa is cupping her face and looking at her like she is her whole universe and Clarke’s heart hurts and is bursting inside of her and her mind shouts at her to just close the distance… but she doesn’t, because Lexa has to do that. “Go shower, I’ll tell them we’ll be a little late.” Lexa leans forward, almost as if she’s propelled by the same feeling taking over Clarke’s chest.

Clarke stops breathing all together, her eyes watching Lexa’s and then watching her mouth as it gets closer and she wants to move but she can’t. She wants to kiss her but she can only wait. So instead she just stares and somewhere along the line Lexa seems to chicken out about kissing her and presses her lips to the corner of Clarke’s mouth instead and a small noise, quiet as ever leaves her throat but a noise nonetheless because the feeling tingles its way through Clarke’s body and makes her nearly want to beg for more.

She knows Lexa heard her, but the brunette doesn’t say anything as she back up and releases Clarke from her grip. The only evidence that she even knows what has happened is a little out of the friends territory is the light pink color littering her cheekbones and the way her hands shake when she pushes them together.

If Lexa feels all the things Clarke feels, what is she waiting for?

 

 

***

 

Christmas, 2015

 

“Maybe you should have gone to your dad’s.” Clarke mumbles as she begins to stack some of the dishes they had finished eating off of, sliding them across the bar so they cross over into the kitchen boundary.

“He didn’t ask me too, my aunt did. He’s going to spend it the same way he spends thanksgiving, except he might watch Rudolph instead of football because mom loved Rudolph.” Lexa sighs with that, doing the same with her dishes and pushing them across the bar onto the counter.

Clarke glances at Lexa almost sheepishly. “Maybe he asked her to ask you?” Lexa knows Clarke knows she’s reaching, but she knows Clarke is only doing it to give her hope. It’s sweet but when it comes to her father, hope doesn’t really matter anymore.

She shakes her head. “He didn’t Clarke.” She tells her softly and downs the rest of the wine in her glass just as Clarke looks at her.

The blonde nods her head and finishes cleaning up the last of the dishes from beside Lexa at the bar, Lexa following her into the kitchen as they make their way to take care of the mess. “I mean, if you did go that would ruin our streak, six years now.” Clarke offers Lexa her most dazzlingly smile; almost full of pride and Lexa can’t help the way it makes her own smile appear on her face.

Clarke didn’t really have to try to make her feel better, she never really did. Just being around her was enough to do that. “Right, can’t have that.” Lexa chuckles as Clarke smiles back at her. They go about a quiet routine of rinsing off dishes and filling up Lexa’s dish washer. Filling containers with leftovers Lexa knows only the blonde will eat.

Besides the pie of course.

“So did you want to start with Rudolph than?” Clarke asks her tipping her head to the side as she leans against the counter and gazes at Lexa who’s pulling the pie out of the fridge.

She shakes her head. “No, we’re supposed to watch that Christmas horror movie.”

Immediately Clarke’s face breaks out into an adorable pout that has Lexa’s eyes moving down to stare at her pouty lower lip before she can catch herself. “No Lexa, that movie is terrible.”

“You’re not swaying me in the direction of not wanting to watch it.” She teased lightly, setting the pie on the counter and moving toward Clarke with a light hearted smile.

“Christmas is supposed to be for happy things.” The blonde scolds her, crossing her arms along her chest adorably, pout still in place.

“Happy, what’s that?” Lexa teases with a light smile etching its way further across her lips.

Clarke rolls her eyes. “I hate you sometimes.”

“You hate me never.” Lexa scoffs. “But we don’t have to watch it; I was just messing with you.” She reaches up to brush her fingertips through the side of Clarke’s blonde hair and silently basks in the softness of the strands, and the way Clarke always seems to melt to her touch.

“I won’t take back your gifts than.” The blonde doesn’t miss a beat.

“I already opened them, so you can’t anyway.”

“Watch me.”

“You’re a dork.” Lexa rolls her eyes and sticks two forks in the middle of the pie, picking it up and taking it out of the kitchen with her. Clarke chases after her as they head toward Lexa’s bedroom.

“You know there are plates right?” Clarke giggles behind her and Lexa’s heart skips a beat a moment at the sound. That sound is always lovely coming from Clarke.

“And why limit ourselves to one piece when we have the whole pie?”

“Because we already ate a giant dinner?”

“I’m starving.” Lexa says as if it’s obvious and climbs onto the bed, being careful to not drop or spill the pie as she settles in the middle. Like Lexa would ever let a big dinner stop her from having a much pie as she wanted, especially when it was her favorite.

Clarke rolls her eyes and climbs onto the bed as well, entering well passed Lexa’s personal space and settling easily with her side pressed to the brunette girl’s side. “Set it in the middle.” Clarke scolds as Lexa places the pie in her own lap. She pouts a bit but pushes the container into the middle so it sits on both their thighs.

Lexa begins the first movie in the marathon list and the night becomes a lot quieter, Clarke and Lexa eat pie until they can’t anymore, and then they watch movies until they can’t. Clarke falling asleep first with her head slumping against the brunette’s shoulder as she loses consciousness.

Lexa positions better, scooting under the covers with Clarke so the blonde’s ear rests against her chest, her own eyes studying her to make sure she doesn’t disturb Clarke’s sleep as she gets comfortable. Not that she ever really could, once Clarke’s asleep, it’s hard to actually wake her up.

Lexa tries to focus on the movie playing across her television screen but Clarke is particularly distracting this very night, sound asleep against her with soft breathes and slow hand movements, twitching slightly and tangling at the end of Lexa’s shirt, lifting it just enough to brush the skin on her stomach.

Lexa sighs and combs her fingers through soft blonde hair, pressing her lips to the crown the girl’s head as she snuggles closer into Lexa. The brunette’s heart rate spikes with each thought of how nice it always is to have Clarke close to her like this, to fall asleep with her in her bed and wake up to her smile in the morning, or even to her grumpy face because Lexa’s alarm is too loud.

It’s an uneven pace; a faulty rhythm in her chest that she’s sure is dangerous. It’s only ever like this with Clarke, sometimes she wonders if there’s a way to stop feeling it, if there’s some kind of cure for the uneven way it beats inside of her chest. She is only thankful Clarke sleeps soundly against her and is not awake to feel it, to hear it.

God is she in love with her best friend. Like really in love with her. So in love with her that it aches in every bone Lexa has when she just looks at her, always spilling emotion after emotion whenever Clarke looks into her eyes because she really can’t help it. She can’t help this.

How long has she felt like this?

How long?

Maybe forever.

Maybe since Lexa first met her when she was six years old and she didn’t even know what being in love was. Maybe it was later, when she saw Clarke kiss that boy in eighth grade and she couldn’t stop thinking about what it would be like to kiss Clarke as well, couldn’t stop herself from practically asking Clarke for that kiss that she gave her at the swing-set when she had admitted she had never kissed anyone before.

That kiss had been simple then, a calm peck on the lips. That wasn’t how Lexa imagined she’d like to kiss Clarke now. She can barely remember what it had felt like then; she wishes desperately to refresh her memory.

Clarke mumbles her name in her sleep, pulling Lexa from her thoughts and subconsciously making her pull the blonde closer to her, wrapping her in as much safety as she thinks she can provide to a sleeping girl.

If she was still not so weak she would tell her. She would write it across notes and mutter it in-between sentences. She would make her feel it in the kisses she wishes she could give her, the same kisses she feels in her dreams and she’d tell her about how she’s been waiting forever to tell her.

If she wasn’t weak she would do it, but she’s not strong enough for Clarke. “Maybe someday I can tell you and make you happy.” Lexa mumbles to a girl fast asleep, well aware she can’t hear a thing she says and kisses the crown of her head again.

She keeps Clarke close and lets her eyes slip back to the television, trying hard to ignore the ache she feels when it comes to love.

 

 

***

 

New Year’s Eve/Day, 2015-2016

 

“Who is that?” Clarke slurs as she watches Lexa mumble something quiet and low in a girl’s ear. She watches that girl giggle, she watches her push at Lexa’s arm, and she watches her watch Lexa like she’s the only person in the room and Clarke’s blood boils, hot and deep in her body.

“Don’t know,” Raven snorts, chugging a bottle of water that Anya had thrust upon her earlier. She follows Clarke’s gaze after a moment and seems to find it funnier, snickering until the glare that Clarke has set on the girl Lexa seems so enraptured by moves toward her. “I really don’t know, but Lexa seems to like her.” Raven squints as if that would help her see into the girl’s soul.

Clarke just feels sick watching them. “Why? She’s…” She struggles for the right word but she can’t seem to find it because what is she? She’s Lexa’s type, that’s what she is. Very pretty and tall and she has a tattoo on her neck and Lexa loves those. She’s probably funny because Lexa doesn’t waste her time with people that don’t get her jokes and her eyes are probably light because Lexa likes eye colors that sparkle.

“You okay?” Raven is staring at her, having propped her elbow up on the counter top so she could rest her chin in the palm of her hand. Her eyelashes flutter at Clarke and the blonde for a second feels a little like she might actually throw up everywhere, though that’s not Raven’s fault but more so the amount of alcohol she had consumed.

“No.” Clarke pouts, eyes finding that girl again but they have moved. Clarke eyes search them out, moving from the dance floor to the stairway, to the other half of the kitchen. She doesn’t see them anymore but right at the last minute she catches a glimpse of Lexa’s hair disappearing out the front door and Clarke’s stomach drops. “I’m not okay at all.” She huffs and grips onto the counter to keep herself more upright, like watching Lexa leave with someone else actually makes her want to collapse to her knees.

Raven snickers again. “I so told you so.”

Clarke grumbles, smacking her friend without much strength, having lost most of it to the alcohol in her system. Her eyes burn a hole into the door that had shut behind Lexa and she almost has the urge to chase them. Too yell and scream at Lexa for being stupid, for asking her to wait and then picking girl after girl over her.

She’s nothing short of angry after this, chugging another drink of something she doesn’t know the name of, she just knows it burns on its way down. “Slow down there Griff,”

“Shush.” Clarke grumbles and leaves Raven behind at the counter, combing her way through the crowd to find someone to dance with.

She doesn’t want to dance with anyone that isn’t Lexa, and eventually, after she trips for the third time she gives up on trying to find someone to dance with, slapping hands away from her and continuously blowing off offers.

She shouldn’t be, if Lexa’s not going to than why should she? Does Lexa even remember what she had said to her? She should, Clarke can’t forget it. She can still feel the door against her back.

Why does it always feel like Lexa never aches the same way she does? That can’t be fair. It can’t be fair to love someone this much and not have them return an ounce of that love. It can’t be right. Doesn’t Clarke deserve more than this?

“Where’s Lexa?” Anya looks panicked when she greets Clarke, peeling the girl off the wall she hadn’t even noticed she was slipping down.

“She left with some girl.” Clarke grumbles, a small pout gluing itself to her lower lip so that it pops out more than before. Her blood was boiling and her stomach was queasy and Lexa was not here with her or taking her home and nothing was right. Clarke hated this stupid party.

Anya studies her a moment, a curious curve to her eyebrow and Clarke knows she’s thinking she’s too sober to deal with this. “God damn it, I told her to stay here and I will take you guys home.” Anya isn’t scolding her but it feels a little like that when she looks at her. The world is spinning and Lexa hasn’t come back in the front door and Clarke hates this feeling. This is worse than waiting.

“Lexa doesn’t care about anyone else.” Clarke mumbles unreasonably and grabs her head as the world seems to start spinning even more so around her than it had been before. She can’t see straight and she’s sure if she moves she really will throw up all over Anya’s very nice shoes.

Anya’s grip tightens. “You know that’s not true. I’ll find her, where’s Raven, stay with Raven.” The taller girl is in panic mode, and if Clarke wasn’t as drunk as she is she’d be more reasonable and cooperative and assure Anya that Lexa is fine.

But she’s not feeling reasonable. “She left Anya!” Clarke yells at her, the music loud enough to drown out its effect but Anya jumps anyways, staring at the blonde like she had just punched her in the face.

“I’ll call her anyways okay, let’s get you home.” For the first time in a long time Anya is holding Clarke like she might break. Normally they treat each other with more of a tough love aspect to their relationship and have since they met through Lexa, but tonight Anya seems to see that Clarke needs somebody and with Lexa as drunk as her and gone, she’s the only one left to do it. Especially when her own girlfriend can’t stop giggling.

“I don’t want to go home. It’s empty but full of her.” Clarke feels her eyes water and she tries to will the tears away but she has no strength or control of herself and they come pouring out of her eyes like she’s not a grown woman and capable of handling herself.

She knows she looks pathetic but she can’t help it. “Okay Clarke, okay. Stay with us tonight than?” Anya is wiping her tears away and genuinely looking concerned, holding her upright and trying to get her to calm down.

Clarke sniffs and grips onto Anya so she doesn’t fall. “Okay.” She squeaks and Anya pulls her closer as she guides her through a mess of people looking for Raven. Clarke hopes she forgets this night and never remembers anything that happened because she’s fed up with Lexa taking home other girls and fed up with feeling like this.

 

***

 

January, 2016

 

“Clarke, are you kidding me?” Lexa’s tone is angry, cold and vibrating through the phone and she knows she shouldn’t act like this. Knows it’s not fair too, but things have been weird lately, off between her and Clarke and now with this happening it only further confirms that Clarke is upset with her and just won’t tell her why.

“No. I can’t always come home to you Lexa. I have obligations, and other people that want to see me.” Clarke’s bite it harsh, her tone aggressive and angry and it makes Lexa shake where she stands in her living room, staring at the scenery she had perfectly set up to try and get Clarke to forgive her for whatever she has done to upset her in the first place.

It’s hard to do that when somebody doesn’t talk to you. “Like him?” Lexa asks angrily. She doesn’t actually mean to, but her blood boils at the thought of him, an irrational jealousy, and fiery red. She wants Clarke to be happy of course, she normally encourages her dates even when they make her feel like this but Clarke can only ignore her for so many days before it sets her on edge.

She never just says she wants a break from her, she always does this.

“He’s my friend Lexa, you should get over it. You’re not the only one that can go out with other people sometimes.” Clarke snaps and Lexa flinches, her jaw setting, balling her free hand up so it stops shaking.

She’s mad but she hates fighting with Clarke. “If you would just tell me when you’re sick of me that would be great, than I can save myself the trouble of trying to do something nice for you when you don’t even care about it.”

“That’s not fair Lexa,” Clarke’s tone is cold, like ice and Lexa can feel it melt down her spine and enter her veins. But she feels the opposite, she feels like fire.

Red. “No for once it’s perfectly fair. You do this to me every time. You get tired of being around me so you ignore me for a few weeks but you don’t tell me that you need the break and I do something like tonight and its humiliating.” She’s past the point of upset, she’s yelling into the phone unreasonably and it’s probably not going to solve anything or help her in any way to solve this Clarke being mad and ignoring her problem but she’s never been very good at controlling her emotions around her.

“Lexa, I really don’t want to do this right now.” Clarke sighs like she’s defeated, like Lexa is just too much and she has finally fallen off the edge. Is finally done dealing with it and it makes Lexa’s heart hurt in her chest and the fire in her veins burns brighter.

“You never do, because you never fucking talk to me.” She snaps her jaw clenching and moving as she tries to reign in her anger but it’s not working out very well.

She hates hurting Clarke. “You want me to talk? You always expect me to be there but I’m not always going to be there. I’m not always going to wait for you Lexa so you need to figure out how to communicate a little better because I’m sick of this.” Clarke is yelling too, despite wherever she is that has all that noise bustling in the background she is yelling at her and Lexa knows she deserves it but it does nothing to make her feel more reasonable.

She’s too upset and she can’t fix this. “Sick of what, of me?” She doesn’t sound as angry as she is when she asks it, her voice cracks along the words like she already knows the answer and she hates herself for being so weak to show that kind of emotion right now.

“Lexa,” Clarke sighs heavily as if she’s nothing but a burden.

Lexa knows she is. “That’s it right?”

“You always hear what you want to hear, I can’t do this with you right now I’m too mad.”

“You’re mad?” Lexa’s tone is angry surprise, like its not obvious Clarke is mad, that it’s not obvious she is just as upset.

She hates this. “Yes. I’m livid Lexa, and I’m going to say stuff I don’t actually mean and I don’t want to do that so please just let me hang up.”

“I’m not holding a gun to your head to stick around.”

“No you aren’t, maybe that’s the problem?”

Lexa swallows the lump in her throat and blinks her eyes a few times as she tries to encourage herself not to cry, not to let her voice crack, not to be weak and small. “Clarke,”

“I’ve got to go.” Before Lexa can say anything else the line dies and Lexa’s heart sinks to her stomach, the red feeling stays, burning in her veins until her phone flies across the room at her television and creates a mess she’s going to hate cleaning up later.

With the shatter dies the fire and soon she’s just cold, watching the cracks and wishing for once she didn’t feel like that on the inside of her heart.

She leaves her apartment a second later, the room feeling suffocating with the lit candles and Clarke’s favorite flowers littered around the place. She hates looking at them right now, she feels weak at the smell of them.

The door slams behind her and she’s in her car in the blink of an eye, driving until she pulls into the parking lot of her friend’s apartment. She scurries her way up steps and bangs on the door and when Raven pulls it open Lexa doesn’t wait for her to say come in before she barges past her. “Anya here?” She asks as she makes her way through the apartment, looking for her before she answers.

“Um, no. She’s running errands. What’s up?” Raven closes the door quickly behind her, staring at Lexa curiously but the brunette isn’t paying enough attention to her to notice.

“When will she be back?” Her tone is hurried because she needs to talk to someone before she freaks out and she’s on the verge of freaking out.

“You can wait for her I guess, she shouldn’t be too long. Do you want some pizza?”

“No thanks.” Lexa makes her way through the room to the couch, plopping down on it with bouncing knees and racing thoughts. She stares at the fireplace for a long time, watching the flames lick at the wood and she wonders if that’s what she looks like whenever Clarke merely mentions that guy. Or if that’s what it looks like inside of her now as she goes over the conversation in her head, and is unable to change the outcome.

“Lexa?”

“Hmm?”

“You know, you can… talk to me if you want. I’m a pretty good listener.” Raven smiles gently at her and Lexa’s eyes leave the fire to meet Raven’s own. She stands at the threshold, leaning against the archway with a gentle look on her face.

Lexa’s stomach turns. “I,” she huffs, “Clarke and I got into a fight.” Lexa mumbles and turns her gaze back to the fire. Watching the flames coincide with the images of Clarke and that guy in her head. Her hands are shaking again; she presses them together to make them stop.

“Can I sit?” Raven asks quietly, having moved closer to Lexa. She waits on the brunette to nod her head before she takes a seat next to her, leaving plenty of room between them so they have space. “What was it about?”

“It was stupid.” Lexa sighs, eyes still looking at the flames. “I get so mad when she…” Lexa trails off and her hands press against each other tighter, almost like she’s praying, but she wouldn’t know what she’d ever be praying too.

Praying wouldn’t help her anyways. “It’s okay, take your time.” Raven says quietly, as if she speaks any louder it’ll irritate Lexa to a point of not being able to converse.

Perhaps it would. “Sometimes Clarke needs a break from me. I’m… I get to be too much I think at times. But she never tells me that, so instead she just… ignores me for a week or two but she does it subtly, like I might not notice. She never says she needs a break.” Lexa’s hands are squeezing each other too tightly but she can’t stop herself from doing the action.

Her heart feels so heavy and tired, though it pounds aggressively against her breastbone. “Are you sure she needs a break and it’s not you just thinking she does?” Raven asks quietly, her voice gentle and light and maybe it’s supposed to be comforting but Lexa can’t really find comfort in anything when she knows Clarke is somewhere else, away from her, angry with her, and there is nothing she can do.

“No. I’m not but that… is all I can think of.” Her knees are still bouncing, her eyes still on the fire. She can see Raven staring at her through the corner of her eye but she can’t bring herself to look at her.

“Has she been ignoring you?” She asks softly.

Lexa’s heart plummets as she again has to confirm in her own head that, that is exactly what’s been happening lately. “Yes.”

“Did you ask her why?”

“Not the right way.” Lexa shakes her head. “I just… get so irritated when she does this. She doesn’t like to talk about what bothers her, she feels like I’m the mess so she has to take care of me all the time and that I shouldn’t worry about her but… that’s not how things work.” Lexa has to stop staring at the fire because she’s seeing dots of color in her eyes, so she squeezes them shut instead and tries to calm herself down. But when she closes her eyes she sees Clarke, upset, finding comfort in someone else’s arms and it’s too much so she has to open them again and opts to stare at the coffee table.

“Did you tell her that?”

“Not the right way.” Lexa repeats and looks down at her pressed together hands.

“I know how Clarke is when she gets mad. She doesn’t talk, I know.” Raven seems to be studying the side of her face but Lexa doesn’t look at her. She can’t seem to be able to right now. “So maybe just tell her what you told me but do it the right way, after you apologize for getting upset.” Raven hand reaches out like she’s going to touch her but she seems to think better of it and retreats it back into her lap.

Lexa is grateful for it, as she doesn’t think she can handle being touched right now. “Yeah.” Lexa blows hair out of her mouth. “I’ll… try.”

“Sometimes Clarke gives you hints rather than just telling you what the problem is because she wants you to figure it out. Which is annoying but it’s just something she does.” Raven shrugs and Lexa finds that she’s nodding her head.

“I know she does that. I just hate it.” She admits with a slight huff and it seems to make Raven crack a small smile, though she doesn’t laugh.

“So that’s what you fought about?” She prods, Lexa lets her.

“Sort of.” She shrugs.

“What else?”

“I… made her dinner to try and make up for being me and she… she cancelled to go out with Bellamy.” Lexa says the name with some bite, too much bite. It’s obvious she doesn’t like him, it’s always obvious but she can’t stop herself from not liking him and thinking about him with Clarke right now, after they fought, just makes her want to be sick.

“Bellamy.” Raven says the name like she’s testing it on her tongue.

Lexa hates the way it sounds. “Yeah. He’s… kind of a douche you know?”

“I know you don’t like him. He seems alright though.” Raven shrugs and Lexa shakes her head.

“I don’t know. I mean, if she likes him whatever, just… I don’t like him.” She hopes Raven will drop it there as thinking about him at all just makes the feeling of panic in her chest worse and she doesn’t want that.

She wants to calm down so that she can make it up to Clarke because she’s all that will ever matter to her. “Why?”

“Hmm?”

“Why don’t you like him?” Raven is searching, searching every inch of her facial expression as Lexa stares at her and she has a lapse, a moment, where the obvious crosses her features and she knows Raven picks up on it, she can see the light in her eyes the moment it becomes obvious before Lexa manages to mask it again.

She abruptly stands. “I have to go.” She says immediately, not helping her case any and by the small smile that Raven’s fighting on her lips she knows the damage is already done.

“Alright Lexa.” Raven walks her to the door, waves at her as she rushes out and down the hallway. She doesn’t look back at her, a sudden set of nerves making its way into her chest and squeezing her heart.

What if she tells Clarke?

 

***

 

Valentine’s Day, 2016

 

“Lexa?” Clarke calls nervously through the apartment, noting the rather dark expanse of the room. Her heart sinks at the thought of walking in on her with someone else again. She can’t take that right now, as it is she still owes Lexa an apology, even though they had both said things they shouldn’t.

Someone’s got to make the first move and she misses Lexa like hell.

“In here!” Her breath catches in her throat when she sees the light in Lexa’s room peeking out into the dark apartment, the only place with any illumination. Her heart sinks when she walks in to a bed filled with paper work and red eyes from either lack of sleep or crying.

She hates to think that she might have made Lexa cry. “Lexa,” She knows it comes out weak and sad and the last thing Lexa needs when she’s down is to pick Clarke up too. But Clarke is the one that made her feel this way… this time its Clarke’s fault and she hates this feeling.

“Hey,” Lexa seems to read her mind. “You came.” She jumps off the bed and makes her way quickly to Clarke. “Clarke I’m sorry, don’t look at me like that I’m okay.” Lexa cups her face in her hands and Clarke can feel the tears of guilt brimming in her eyes.

There’s a peacefulness that comes with Lexa’s touch, despite the storm of emotion inside of her. God she’s missed her. “Okay…” Clarke hates the way that word sounds because Lexa only uses it when she isn’t okay.

“I should have come sooner. I’m sorry Lexa; I can’t stand fighting with you.” Her voice is weak and cracking and revealing everything she’s been keeping inside for months and Lexa looks like she’s about to cry as well or maybe she had just stopped because of all the things Clarke has done in the last months and she is aching.

“It’s okay, I’m sorry, I was wrong.” Lexa pulls Clarke close to her. One arm going around her waist so their bodies press together as the other glides through her hair and Clarke gasps and feels the tears leave her eyes as she is comforted by her touch, encased with the warmth of her and the safety she provides.

“I’m sorry I made you sad, you were doing so well.” She squeaks and Lexa just wipes away her tears.

“I’m fine Clarke, just a bad day. This isn’t your fault.” Lexa backs up to meet Clarke’s sad eyes and something in her gaze is soft and unspoken and Clarke fears that Lexa will speak it, even if she’s been waiting forever for her to finally say it. “I’m so sorry for the way I acted. I should have never said those things. You always put me first and it wasn’t fair of me to make you feel guilty for wanting time to yourself and to see other people.” Lexa’s voice is vulnerable as well, cracking along certain words and her eyes are watery and Clarke hates herself for making the only girl she loves feel this way.

She needs to be better for her. “No I’m sorry that I make you feel like I get tired of you. I’m never tired of you, I love you and I’d rather spend every single day with you than one day without you ever again.” And it’s not a lie, it’s never a lie because Lexa is the only person that makes her feel like she can take on the entire world, even if it’s coming at her head on. Lexa is the only one that makes her feel like love is actually worth it, and fighting for it makes sense with her.

She could never be tired of Lexa.

The brunette chuckles. “You say that every time we fight.” Lexa teases with a light smile that directly melts Clarke’s heart of any remaining ice. She looks beautiful and soft and Clarke has missed her face and her laugh and her eyes and the way she smiles at her. That smile that is only for her.

“Are you really okay?” She whispers searching Lexa’s eyes, her face, for any signs of a lie.

Lexa smiles softly at her and nods. “Yes, I promise. In fact, I need to buy a new television because I threw my phone at it, so let’s do that now.” Leaving the house is Lexa’s way of letting Clarke knows that everything is going to be fine, because she associates leaving with a healthy attitude.

This is Lexa’s way of letting herself know she’s okay as well. “A new TV, you threw your phone… is your phone okay?” She raises her eyebrow as Lexa nods, pulling the device out with one hand and checking over it before shoving it back in her pocket and circling her arms around Clarke’s waist to keep her close.

“We can go buy the television and then go to the busiest restaurant in town.” Lexa says softly, her voice getting quiet as the space between them becomes minimal. Clarke loves being this close to her, loves the smell of her perfume and how safe she is in her arms.

It’s been nearly a month since Lexa has touched her and she remembers now why she can never go too long without being around her. It’s physically and mentally draining for her. “Even on your best day you wouldn’t want to go there.” Clarke chuckles at her softly and smiles slightly as she sniffs and reaches up with her own hand to wipe the rest of the tears off her cheeks.

“Mostly because the service sucks.” Lexa leans forward and presses her forehead against Clarke’s and the brunette releases a sigh of relief that touches the blonde’s mouth.

Clarke has the urge to lean up and kiss their problems away but she doesn’t. Of course she doesn’t because Lexa has to be the one to kiss her, that’s how she wants it. So Clarke doesn’t. Instead she only longs for it. “Well they’re always busy.”

“Not a good enough excuse when I’m hungry.” Lexa’s tone is lighter than when Clarke had come in and she feels a sense of relief at having started to mend over their fight. She knows there stuff they need to talk about, stuff Clarke will probably avoid that she shouldn’t but she feels so much better already, just having Lexa hold her and be able to see that smile she loves so much directed at her.

“You’re always hungry.” She teases.

“Speaking of, I’m very hungry now; let’s go to dinner and talk?”

“That sounds good to me, I miss you.” Clarke’s bottom lip pops out and Lexa’s eyes seem to stare at it for a long quiet moment. Clarke tries to ignore the race of her own heart, deciding that she will have to be okay with this arrangement, of staying friends and only friends.

It’s better than losing Lexa altogether.

 

***

 

March, 2016

 

Lexa turns right a bit too sharply and Clarke presses into the door as a result of it. She grunts as she sits up a bit straighter, adjusting back in her seat and offering Lexa a glare that the brunette can’t help but laugh at. “We’re almost there.” She says with a light hearted chuckle, glancing at Clarke and then glancing back at the road.

The blonde continues to glare at her. “We won’t ever get there if you kill us first.” She says dramatically and Lexa only laughs more.

“Don’t be so dramatic Griffin.” She teases as she flexes her fingers against the wheel. The cushion around is comfortable against her hands.

“Don’t call me by my last name.” Clarke sticks to tongue out at the brunette who just seems to laugh more at her. Shaking her head and turning another corner a bit sharply.

Clarke grumbles as she holds onto the door again. “I can’t believe they chose a Thursday to do this.” She complains, leaning back in her seat, as most of the times she has Thursday to spend away from the gallery and doing something most likely with Lexa.

Now their time was being taken up with last minute wedding preparations. “I can’t believe they waited tell the last second to pick their cake.” Lexa rolls her eyes and Clarke nods in agreement as she watches Lexa focus on the road ahead of her.

“Idiots.” Clarke snorts. “You’d think with how long the both of them have been dreaming of this they’d have it all figured out already.”

“Well that’s how it started, but then Anya changed her mind about the venue because it wasn’t “perfect for Raven” and Raven changed her mind about the flowers because they weren’t Anya’s favorite.” Lexa had more where that came from to list off as well, but she instead stopped her train of thought to only roll her eyes yet again, sparking a giggle from Clarke’s chest beside her.

“They’re so gross.” Clarke wrinkles her nose but a light smile plays along her pretty lips, which tells Lexa that she doesn’t exactly think that about their relationship.

They are cute together, even when they’re being annoying. “Please, it only gets worse from here.”

“I didn’t think it could possibly get worse.”

“Think again.” Lexa turns down the main road, their destination at the end of the street. Clarke is ready to get out of the car after such a long and excessive drive; she almost misses what else Lexa says to her.

“What?” She perks up, glancing at her best friend in the seat beside her as Lexa’s gaze turns serious and stares at the road in front of her.

“I have this re-occurring dream about you.” She almost whispers it, but manages to squeeze the words again out of her voice levelly and even calm for how nervous it makes her to even so much as utter a syllable about the things she sees when she closes her eyes at night. Like Clarke will own a new valuable piece of her and with how in love Lexa already is, it’s not logical for her to be afraid of telling Clarke anything like this.

“What kind? Where we get married and have lots of babies?” Clarke teases and Lexa tries to ignore the flip in her stomach at just the thought of marrying Clarke.

“No, not exactly. It’s kind of weird. It’s ever since your party.” For a second, things get really quiet. She can see Clarke looking at her through the corner of her eye but she for some reason is afraid to meet her gaze, so she doesn’t. She doesn’t know what it is about this confession, about bringing this up that makes the air in the car is tense and makes her so nervous. A feeling she can’t quite grasp as of why, when there are so many other things she could be saying that would make sense for her nervousness.

“What happens in your dream?” Clarke asks quietly, her hands fiddling together the way they do when she gets nervous. She as well feels the same tension; Lexa is not alone in recognizing it.

“We’re upstairs, in your house in that guest room you have with the-”

“Really nice sheets.” Clarke finishes for her quietly, she still won’t look over at her, which Lexa thinks is good, since she needs to focus on the road and keep driving without crashing into a poll because she can’t get her head on straight.

“Yeah exactly. We always have some sort of conversation and just stare at each other.” Of course Lexa’s not going to mention the other formations of the dream she’s had, that’s probably not the best idea. In fact she probably shouldn’t mention the dream at all, but it was driving her absolutely crazy. She kept having it, over and over and it felt never ending and she tells Clarke everything… well almost everything. Who else is she supposed to go to?

Anya probably, but she would not be helpful with this. She’d probably just sprout more babble about telling Clarke about her feelings and blah, blah, blah. She can’t do that now, even if her nerves make her feel as if she just poured her heart out in the small confines of the vehicle and now Clarke knows everything she feels and there is no taking it back.

That’s not what’s happened of course, but something clearly really did happen in that bedroom because Clarke is nervous as well. “We did actually… have a talk up there.” Clarke mutters after a while, almost what felt like forever, of silence. Lexa was even pulling into the driveway of the bakery, finding a parking place by the time she had muttered it.

“We did?” She ask curiously, hoping Clarke will elaborate despite the way her heart picks up in pace at the thought of what could have really happened up there, if one of the variation of the dream she had, had is not a dream but a memory.

“Yeah,” is Clarke’s only response.

Lexa pulls the keys from the ignition of the car before she looks to her side at her best friend, whose eyes are glued to her folded hands in her lap. “What was it about?” Her voice shakes.

Clarke unbuckles her seatbelt and looks at Lexa just as Lexa looks at her and Lexa can see that Clarke is struggling with something, maybe the information, maybe she’s trying to remember, Lexa isn’t sure, but she does know that she’s got a storm in her eyes and she doesn’t know why. “I don’t remember, we were drunk.” Clarke shrugs and pushes her door open, effectively ending the conversation with a slam to Lexa’s car door.

A frown tugs its way across Lexa’s mouth and the brunette stays where she is for a moment, trying to remember something that her subconscious clearly wants her to remember. What did they talk about? Is it at all similar to what she has said to Clarke in her dreams and what Clarke has said back?

Or did she kiss her? Did she kiss her and she can’t remember it?

A knock on her window makes her jump, pulling her from her thoughts to a grinning Clarke as she seems to signal for Lexa to get out of the car. So she does, pushing the door open and locking the car behind her as Clarke loops her arm with Lexa’s.

Clarke just smiles at her and then focuses on their destination to the bakery door but Lexa can’t seem to pull her mind from the conversation and the many, many dreams she has had of the apparently real scenario.

She can’t stop thinking about what she really said, what she really did and if her dreams are actually just memories, and why Clarke hasn’t bothered to mention this before. She wishes the blonde would just talk about her feelings sometimes as she seems to bury them and whatever Lexa had said or did in that bedroom would explain a lot depending.

 

 

***

 

“So you like the barista than?” Lexa asks as she flips the page of the book in her lap and sips at her coffee, Clarke’s eyes wandering to the barista in mention every once in a while and of course Lexa has apparently noticed, since she always seems to see through her. At least when it’s inconvenient anyway.

“Maybe,” Clarke seems to challenge for some reason. Maybe, just maybe Lexa will remember and she’ll say it again while she’s sober and Clarke knows she has something to actually wait for and it wasn’t just a stupid drunken mistake of words, slurred out during a depressed moment in the brunette’s life.

“And you have another date with her tonight?” Lexa doesn’t look up from her book but Clarke knows she’s not reading it at all. She’s talking to her in that tone she gets when she’s not quite happy with something Clarke is doing.

It irks slightly on Clarke’s nerves that she doesn’t remember their conversation at all. “No I have a date with Finn.” Clarke explains watching the twitch of Lexa’s jaw as she speaks.

“The one with the hair?” She asks quietly, far too low for a calm afternoon at the coffee shop.

Lexa’s trying not to be angry with her about dating but Clarke knows why she is. Selfishly, she thinks the more she dates the sooner Lexa will break, but another part of her thinks that’s never going to happen. That Clarke is destined to be Lexa’s friend alone, forever. “Didn’t you say that about Bellamy too?” She always thought they would eventually be more than that.

She must have been wrong. “They both have hair.” Lexa shrugs and flips the page of her book that she’s clearly not reading.

“Yes the one with the hair.” Clarke rolls her eyes and sips at her coffee, crossing her legs along each other and trying to ignore the disappointment inside of her chest she feels at never being able to be with Lexa quite the way she wants to be.

But she can handle this. Lexa is her best friend before anything else and she would rather live life only as her friend, than not having her in her life at all. “Is he nice to you?”

When she looks up to meet Lexa’s eyes that are suddenly on her, her heart skips its own beat, something in her gaze deep and maybe a little sad. “I don’t know, I haven’t gone out with him yet.” Clarke looks away because it’s too much and the confession of her love is already on the tip of her tongue.

“If you like the barista girl why are you going out with Finn?” She still doesn’t look at Lexa as she fiddles with her mug full of coffee.

“Cause I like Finn too, sort of.” Clarke shrugs.

“Sort of?” Lexa quirks an eyebrow at her and Clarke can’t help but follow the action with her eyes.

“Yeah I mean, they’re both cute.”

“But?”

“But I don’t know Lexa. I’m not really interested in anyone,” that isn’t you.

“Well, you shouldn’t date someone you aren’t sure if you like or not.” Lexa’s trying to appear neutral, it’s clear but Clarke wishes she wouldn’t. Clarke wishes she’d just say what she feels in her heart and they can stop pretending that how they feel for each other isn’t there.

“Isn’t the point of dating to find out if you like them or not? And maybe if I do like one I can take them to Anya and Raven’s wedding instead and you can take that one girl you’ve been hanging out with.” Clarke sips her coffee as she watches Lexa’s eyebrows scrunch together in thought as if trying to understand what Clarke means.

Her eyes light up when it seems to click. “Luna?”

“Yeah her.” Clarke rolls her eyes and glances back at Niylah, watching her greet a new costumer with a friendly smile.

“I told you already, we only work together. I never date co-workers.” Clarke looks back at Lexa and there’s something there in her gaze, something vulnerable that Clarke can’t fully grasp but it makes her stomach turn pleasantly.

“You should see the way she looks at you.”

“But do I look at her like that?” There was an intense stare that Lexa was seemingly giving her. One that Clarke couldn’t exactly read, or maybe she could and was just too scared to admit what Lexa was silently trying to say to her.

No, but you look at me like that. “No, you don’t.”

“No, I don’t. Besides, Anya and Raven already sat us together. They’re expecting us to go together.” Lexa lets her eyes fall back on her book as if that’s the end of the conversation and Clarke can’t help but be slightly amused by that.

“So you’re saying I’m stuck with you?” Clarke teases lightheartedly.

A brief smile passes across Lexa’s lips but it seems to fall off not long after. “What happened? A few months ago you were begging me to go with you.”

“Shut up, I wasn’t begging.” The blonde rolls her eyes as Lexa chuckles.

“You aren’t stuck; you can go with whomever you want, if you would like to take someone else you can.” Lexa waves her hand as if it doesn’t bother her but Clarke watches her jaw twitch again so she knows it does.

“Lexa,” Clarke grabs Lexa’s hand that’s hovering over her book and waits for the brunette to look at her. “I would travel the entire universe with you and wouldn’t consider it as stuck.” Lexa seems to take in a deep breath at that, her eyes dip down and Clarke knows she’s looking at her mouth this time because it’s too bright in here and they are too close for it to be mistakable.

All Clarke would have to do is lean in. She doesn’t.

“You don’t need to find a new date than.” She says after a moment of silence and a heavy breath leaves her and puffs out against Clarke’s mouth.

“Is that you telling me to cancel on Finn?” The blonde playfully corks her eyebrow, another challenge. She wonders if Lexa will take it this time.

“Not if you want to go, but if you don’t…” Lexa looked away from her, something flashing across her face that Clarke was getting used to reading.

“Wait for me.” Repeats loudly in her head and she wishes Lexa had remembered asking her that.

“We’ll see.” Clarke mumbles and sips at her own coffee, her own hand still in Lexa’s and apparently staying there as the brunette reads through her book, her palm turning and her fingers intertwining with Clarke’s in a way that sets the girl’s heart on edge. She doesn’t look at Lexa, but her grip tightens, the thought of letting her hand go almost feeling painful.

 

 

***

 

“You’re not supposed to talk during this part.” Clarke shushes Lexa as she mumbles another joke in Clarke’s ear, standing for far too long and suffering through far too many vows.

“Yeah so what are you talking for?” Lexa teases quietly, moving closer behind Clarke and pulling the blonde against her body, arms wrapping around her waist so that she can get her lips closer to her ear. She pretends that’s the only reason but she deeply knows it’s not. Her heart already picking up in pace as she feels Clarke’s shudder in her arms just as her lips brush the skin of her ear. “You have terrible jokes.”

“You’re the one,” Clarke scoffs. “Jerk.”

“You love me.” She whispers lower and Clarke’s cheeks tint a slight shade of pink as Lexa places a kiss against her ear.

“You’re ridiculous, let me go, everyone can see you.” Clarke whispers trying not to draw any attention to them than is already there. Lexa doesn’t seem to care and just nuzzles into Clarke’s neck as the voices of the ceremony continue to drown on and on.

“Afraid of public affection?” She whispers with her lips back against Clarke’s ear and the blonde shudders yet again in her arms, and squirms slightly as if she’s trying to get away from her but her hands gripping her arm firmly says a different story.

“When my mom is looking.” Lexa rests her chin on Clarke’s shoulder and looks into the small crowd of people sitting down; sure enough Ms. Griffin was staring at them, though she managed to look away when Lexa caught her eye.

“Did she lecture you about dating when you saw her this morning?” Lexa mumbles quietly and feels Clarke’s sigh travel through her body.

“No less than everyone else.” Clarke had sort of been seeing other people for a few weeks but she had decidedly stopped dating either Finn or that coffee shop girl Lexa can never remember the name of. She had asked Clarke why before they had gotten on the road to the wedding but Clarke had only told her she had been right about not dating if she’s not completely interested.

Lexa hadn’t quite believed her but she didn’t question it anymore. “Maybe you should just marry me and then they’d leave you alone.” Clarke snorts kind of loud, covering her mouth to muffle the noise the best she can. Lexa’s grin only widens.

 

 

“Who are you here with Clarke?” Bellamy asks casually, leaning against a pillar near Clarke while she decides on another glass of selected wines.

“She’s here with me.” Lexa says immediately, her arm subconsciously making its way around Clarke’s waist as she looks at the wine as well.

Clarke is looking at her with a slightly smirk, almost as if she’s trying not to laugh but she manages not to. “Oh, no real date?”

Lexa jaw tightens and apparently so does her arm because Clarke seems to touch her shoulder gently as if to cool her down. “Lexa is a real date, aren’t you Lex?” The blonde beams up at her and Lexa temporarily forgets that Bellamy exists as she looks into pretty blue eyes.

They sparkle only for her. “Regardless, would you like to dance with me Princess?”

Lexa has the urge to slap his hand away as he offers it but she manages to maintain her cool. She glares at the boy as she tightens her hold around Clarke’s waist. “No she wouldn’t because she has a date to dance with, princess.” Lexa smiles charmingly and turns away from Bellamy before she has to hear him talk again.

Clarke snorts. “I’m sorry,” She shouts at him as both girls abandon their cups and Lexa drags Clarke away from him, pulling her to the dance floor and even leading the dance. She twirls her and makes her laugh and dips her and Lexa is surprised she even can with how much wine she had already consumed. Normally wine makes her sleepy but watching Clarke laugh in a nice dress and looking so beautiful wakes her up every time.

She stays close to Clarke even when they aren’t dancing. She listens to Clarke when she talks, she opens doors for her, she steals the flowers at their table and hands them to her as they leave, and she lets Clarke lay against her shoulder when the driver takes them back to their hotel.

Drunk or not she pretends she doesn’t feel the way her chest tightens when Clarke giggles, or the way her stomach flips when Clarke’s hand just briefly grazes her own as they make their way to the elevator. She pretends she doesn’t feel completely in love with her when they’re trapped inside of the elevator and watching the numbers go up and up. She pretends Clarke doesn’t mutter something about her being the “most beautiful person at the entire wedding,” even though it wasn’t even their wedding.

She pretends she doesn’t feel the way the air changes between them when Clarke slips the keycard into the door. She pretends that getting a single bed had been a good idea and that she’s not shaking even a little bit when the door shuts out the hall lights behind them and leaves them in quiet and darkness.

She pretends Clarke isn’t looking at her when she finally switches a lamp light on. She pretends and pretends but then Clarke comes very close to her and she has this look on her face that Lexa can only seem to remember from her dream, except this isn’t a dream. This is real and Lexa’s too fucking drunk for it.

“You look tired.” Clarke says quietly but it’s definitely not what she wants to say. She grabs Lexa’s waist, pulls her close so the brunette stumbles into her arms and her breath catches as she feels her hands slide up her back toward the zipper of her dress.

“Too much wine.” Lexa manages to say, wishing she hadn’t drunk at all as Clarke’s eyes move toward her lips as they move.

“Yeah, me too.” Clarke wets her lips and Lexa’s eyes follow the action before she manages to will them back up to Clarke’s eyes but her gaze is still on Lexa’s mouth and makes everything in her burn and yell and scream for her to just do it.

Clarke pulls the zipper down on her dress and slips her hand along her skin, an action unnecessary to help her get the dress off but it starts its own fire in Lexa’s gut. “Need help with yours?” Lexa stutters, unsmooth and almost too quiet to hear and if she wasn’t so drunk she’d hit herself for it.

“No, I’ll get us something to sleep in.” Clarke’s lips hover over her own and Lexa is losing control, if she even had it in the first place, and then Clarke’s lips press to the corner of her mouth and Lexa quivers, shaking slightly as she grips onto Clarke to keep herself into place.

“I want to kiss you.” Lexa mumbles, the comment blurting out of her mouth before she can stop it and she wonders how much she’s going to regret this in the morning.

“I want you to kiss me.” Clarke tells her softly, the quiet in the room almost suffocating, Clarke’s eyes back on her lips and gluing there as her hand on her back moves a bit up and down her spine and feeling her skin, her other tightly gripping onto her waist as if she’s afraid Lexa will disappear.

Lexa is going to do it but Clarke seems to step back from her. “But not yet.” She mumbles and Lexa feels her heart practically scream with protest.

“Why,” She almost whines and it amuses Clarke enough to attach a cute little smirk on her pretty lips.

“Because this isn’t what you meant when you asked me to wait for you.” Clarke corks her brow and Lexa stares at it for some time as she contemplates what she has said to her.

In her many dreams of Clarke in that guest room she has asked Clarke that question… and now it is confirmed that she had also asked Clarke to wait for her in reality. On an average day, she would feel sick to the stomach at the thought, scared of where it all could lead, what it all could mean. But she doesn’t feel that way now. “How long will you wait?”

Clarke steps back into her personal space. She cups Lexa’s face in her hands and Clarke gets close enough to brush her nose along Lexa’s. “Only forever baby.”

Chapter Text

September, 2016

 

Clarke was prepared this time. Fully and one hundred percent prepared for this weather. She rarely gets this lucky, and the weather rarely ever tells the truth. But today was a good day, and even though it was grey and stormy and wet outside, there was nothing but sunshine in Clarke’s heart.

She even hummed the song that’s been stuck in her head all day on her walk to Lexa’s apartment. When she made it there she didn’t bother knocking, as Lexa’s casual sex streak had seemed to be over. Not one girl has come home with Lexa since Anya and Raven’s wedding.

“Are you home?” Clarke called into the apartment, pulling her umbrella shut and placing it down under the coat rack, hanging up her coat as well.

“Most of the time,” Lexa smirks appearing into the hallway and Clarke’s heart races at the sight of her, her own smile unable to be stopped as it forms on her lips. Lexa is looking at her with bright green eyes and Clarke wants nothing more than to wrap herself up in her embrace after a long day at work.

“You look pretty,” Clarke says, making her way down the hallway and meeting Lexa halfway as she also walks toward her.

“Not really,” Lexa snorts. Examining her casual clothing and pressing her hand to her face as if to emphasize her lack of make-up. Clarke doesn’t care; she’ll always think she’s so very pretty.

“You’re always pretty.” Clarke silently admires the soft blush that crosses along Lexa’s cheekbones.

“Are you cold?” Lexa seems to change the subject, hand dropping from her face.

“A little if it means you’re going to make me hot chocolate.” Clarke smiles innocently, arms moving around Lexa’s waist to pull the brunette against her body and nearly sighing out loud at the feeling of it.

“You want marshmallows?” Lexa asks softly, tipping her head to the side as she stares at her, a small smile on her lips that Clarke can’t help but look at, a small desire to kiss her, urging it’s way in-between them has it has commonly been for the last six months.

“Always,” Clarke mutters, the smile on her mouth having disappeared as her eyes stay attached to Lexa’s lips, the smile on hers seems to vanish as well and Clarke’s thumb is tracing Lexa’s lower lip before she can stop herself.

“Okay,” Lexa mumbles out in a nervous stutter, parting from Clarke and turning back around to go into the kitchen and make her hot chocolate.

Clarke silently curses herself for being careless, the pressure and urge to kiss Lexa only grows stronger with every passing day they don’t kiss each other and Clarke wonders if this suffocating feeling is also occupying the brunette’s chest.

It has to be right? She can’t be alone in this. It wouldn’t feel like this if she was. Surely Lexa looks at her the same exact way Clarke looks at Lexa, surely not kissing her is as hard as it is for Clarke. There’s no way that Clarke could feel this overwhelmed and have it be one-sided, right? Not after the last conversation. Not after Lexa had said those words out loud like that, not after Clarke did.

It was truly the waiting that was killing her, and she assumed it always would. “You just gonna stand there and stare at the living room or are you going to hover over me while I make it like you normally do?”

“You make it faster if I do that.”

“I don’t, that’s all in your head Clarke.” Lexa clicks the “k” in her name and something about it makes Clarke’s stomach twist sending a rush of heat through her body. Her gaze follows the outline of Lexa’s backside in her jeans and the heat grows worse.

“Lexa, can I talk to you about something?” Clarke says as she crosses the threshold into the kitchen, the confession of her feelings on the tip of her tongue. She should just address it because they clearly both feel it.

“Yeah.” Lexa looks up from stirring Clarke’s hot chocolate and meets her eye line and the blonde’s nerves catch up with her, tightening her chest and making her useless with words for a temporary amount of time, not long, but enough that the silence carries on a bit too long.

She changes her mind. “This work event, is it fancy or…?”

“Sort of, you know that really nice black dress you have that you look really hot in?”

“Hot?”

“Hot.” It’s a statement, no question about it as Lexa places a pile of mini-marshmallows in Clarke’s hot chocolate. The blonde is glad Lexa is not looking at her to see her blush. “That dress should work just fine.” She says it so casually but Clarke can’t help the race of her heart.

“Neutral colors?” She asks quietly.

“Yes, blacks, whites, greys.”

“Alrighty,” Clarke hops up on the counter as Lexa hands her the mug. She doesn’t think much beyond the chocolate inside of the cup, even as Lexa slips between her legs and places her arms around her waist.

She doesn’t think of it until she places the mug down to look at her and then she becomes very aware of it, very, very aware. “I know you hate these functions, but thank you for coming with me.” Lexa tells her in a sweet low tone that makes Clarke swoon, a soft twinkle in green eyes and a light appreciate smile on her very plump lips.

Lexa is going to be the death of her. “I can never hate them if I’m there with you.” She mumbles gently, her left hand brush against Lexa’s cheek, a small intake of breath as Lexa seems to lean into her touch. Her fingers brush into the side of Lexa’s hair and she looks so soft and beautiful and Clarke really, really, wishes she could kiss her until her lungs give out.

“I adore you.” Lexa says quietly and Clarke’s heart expands until she almost can’t breathe.

So she doesn’t kiss her, she pushes Lexa back and hops off the counter. Her hand finds Lexa’s, her fingers intertwining with the brunette’s. “Let’s watch television, your favorite activity and mine.”

“Okay,” Lexa grins almost goofily and Clarke can’t help but smile too as she leads the brunette out of her kitchen, hands still tangled together.

 

***

 

The place is literally full of stuffy men in stuffy suits talking in stuffy tones. It’s certainly not at all up Clarke’s ally but she’s tried to make the best of it and that’s all Lexa can really ask of her. Every conversation is a bore for her but she still maintains her best smile, and even though she’s had one glass of champagne and a tad of the cheese they had out (which she promptly spit out because “That’s not fucking cheese Lexa”) she’s literally the brightest thing in the room.

Lexa’s been caught many times just staring at her. She wonders how many times she can actually blush about over it since it seems to be happening all night.

On top of that they’ve been mistaken for a couple about ten times and it wasn’t very long into the night. After about the fifth time Clarke just started playing along and Lexa was so shocked by it that she hadn’t disagreed with her.

Now Luna really thinks they’re dating.

The girl won’t stop looking at them, and every time she does Clarke seems to get closer to her, flirting with her in front of people and charming everyone around them. It’s always so easy to like Clarke, so Lexa isn’t surprised that everyone seems dazzled but she apparently can’t reach Luna, who she catches glaring at Clarke when they speak about their own business matters.

“I really don’t like her.” Clarke grumbles as she rests her head on Lexa’s shoulder, the brunette’s arms wrapped around Clarke’s waist as they sway to soft music. The brunette is lost in her own thoughts… memories of the wedding and she almost misses that Clarke is even talking to her but manages not to.

“Who? Luna?” She mumbles out a reply. She would look at her but she likes this position far too much to bother moving from it, Clarke seems comfortable as well.

“Yes, she wants to fuck you.” Clarke nearly snarls it and Lexa can’t help the soft laugh that escapes at her tone.

Lexa snorts. “Very crude.”

“Very true, she’s gross about it.” She can’t exactly see Clarke’s face in this position but she knows the blonde is pouting.

She squeezes her arms around the blonde’s waist. She would pull her closer but her body is already molded against her own so tightly and if they’re any closer they won’t be able to move. “How so?”

“Have you not seen the looks she’s been giving you all night? She nearly touched your butt when she greeted you and that thing about your dress and her eyes wouldn’t come back up from your boobs.” Clarke’s own arms seem to tighten as she talks, like she’s trying to protect her.

Lexa wonders exactly what from. “It doesn’t matter; she’s not said anything or made any advances and I’m not interested.” She shrugs like it’s no big deal but Clarke doesn’t seem to want to leave it alone.

“Because I’m here as your “girlfriend”.” Clarke moves her head off of Lexa’s shoulder and Lexa almost protests at the loss but Clarke seems serious about having this conversation, so she instead just meets her blonde friend’s eye line to listen to her complain. “Is that why you wanted me to come?” Her expression looks soft and curious and almost hurt and immediately makes Lexa panic.

“What?” Lexa looks at her bewildered. “Clarke no.” She removes an arm from around Clarke’s waist so she can push her fingers through the side of Clarke’s blonde hair, soothing the both of them. “If that was why I would have asked you that when I invited you to come with me. You’re the one that started going along with it.”

“I thought it might be what you wanted and it-” Clarke cuts off biting her lip a moment as her eyes drop down to Lexa’s lips. An action she does quite often these days. Lexa continues to choose to ignore it, aware that if she doesn’t she might do something she’s not ready for, maybe Clarke isn’t ready for. “It’s kept Luna away from you.” She admits quietly and the soft confession is enough to make Lexa’s heart pound unevenly in her chest.

“Clarke,” Lexa presses her forehead against Clarke’s and the blonde takes in an audibly deep breath. “I don’t like Luna, not even a little bit in that way. I don’t even find her that pretty.”

“You don’t have to… reassure me. It’s fine if you do. She’s just… kind of creepy.” Clarke’s face scrunches up in a disgusted sort of way, like she smells bad food, and the brunette can’t help but admire her and wonder how Clarke has any time to worry about Luna when she has so obviously been only wrapped in her all night.

Lexa pulls back from Clarke as a laugh leaves her chest. “She’s not done anything to make me uncomfortable, I only work with her. I’m not interested and if she made any advances I’d say no.” She pushes her fingertips through Clarke’s hair again and watches how it visibly calms the girl in front of her.

“I would be your fake girlfriend any time you want for these things you know.” The blonde smiles softly up at her and Lexa’s heart seems to grow massively in size.

“Would you?”

“Yes, your co-workers and investors seem to like me.”

“There is not one person in the world that can meet you and not like you Clarke.”

“Well now I’m just getting a big head.” Lexa laughs and Clarke smiles with her, watching her closely before laying her head back on Lexa’s shoulder and they fall back into that comfortable position that Lexa is quickly coming to cherish. She should try and dance with Clarke like this more often, she really does quite like it and she doesn’t have to fear being clumsy and stepping on her feet (even though she hasn’t done that since tenth grade).

“Should probably keep my fake girlfriend confident.” Lexa chuckles and feels warm as Clarke’s giggle accompanies her. She can feel the action travel through her body and she loves that. She loves this. She wants to tell Clarke that, she wants to tell her that she would like her to be her real girlfriend, but she doesn’t. Instead she dances with her until the night is fully over and they can go home where they fall asleep easily cuddled up in Lexa’s bed in a similar position they had danced only instead it’s Clarke holding her body close and it’s her ear resting on Clarke’s heartbeat.

 

***

 

October, 2016

 

Clarke grumbles softly, waking up to soft kisses against her cheek and her neck and the corner of her mouth and gentle fingers combing through soft blonde tangles of hair. Lexa’s voice is in her ear, something about getting up, going to work, “I’ll make you breakfast” things along those lines but the last thing she wants to do is leave this bed. It’s almost better than the dreams she has of Lexa being with her like this, except in those dreams Lexa is always kissing her mouth.

“Too tired,” Clarke grumbles, rolling over and burying herself in the safety and darkness of Lexa’s neck, feeling her soft chuckle as she embraces Clarke and comforts her from her sleep.

“I know, but you can come back at your lunch break and take a nap?” Lexa seems to encourage softly.

“Sounds nice.” Clarke croaks. Her voice muffled against Lexa’s skin. She tries to burrow further into her but her entire body is already curved against Lexa’s, there is no more room left between them. Clarke thinks she could wake up like this forever and never grow tired of it.

“I’ll drive you today.”

“I can walk,” Clarke manages another grumble against soft skin.

“No, it’s raining and you walk in the rain enough, I’ll drive you.”

“Sweet girl,” Clarke leans up and presses a kiss to Lexa’s cheek before she burrows back in her safe place to scum to the warmth and peacefulness she has found there.

Lexa doesn’t make much effort to move. “You already slept past the alarm.”

“So, I am the boss.” Clarke nuzzles Lexa’s neck and keeps her eyes shut, reveling in the soft feel of Lexa’s body and the gentle motions of her breathing.

“Which is why you have to go.” Lexa chuckles and combs her fingers through Clarke’s hair, not helping convince the blonde to want to get motivated much.

She still doesn’t move, just breathes Lexa in and stays buried in the curve of her neck. “What do you want for dinner?” She mumbles against skin, feeling Lexa shiver as she breathes against her.

“It’s my turn to cook.” Lexa says instead of answering.

“No it’s not, you cooked last night.”

“Heating up leftover soup for you is not cooking.”

“Counts as cooking to me.”

“You hate cooking Clarke.”

“Not when I cook for you.” Clarke sits up so that she can look at Lexa below her, eyes slipping to the small upward curve of the girl’s plump lips.

Lexa’s fingertips brush through the side of Clarke’s hair carefully, pushing the locks behind her ear. “If you insist on cooking, make whatever you want.” Lexa sits up and Clarke’s breath gets caught in her throat as she is forced to sit up with her, coming nose to nose with the brunette girl in her bed.

She wonders if Lexa is thinking the same thing she is. By the pretty blush that’s begun to travel from her neck to her cheeks Clarke can assume she is. And the way her eyes are looking at her, a look that makes Clarke warm all over. It would be easy to just close the rest of the distance. To kiss her and find out what she taste like. God does she want to.

“You have to be going,” Lexa mumbles but it sounds like a struggle to even get the words out. Her voice low and quiet and disclosing her feelings so easily.

Clarke pretends not to notice. “Yeah,” She replies back, brushing her nose across Lexa’s and hears the girl’s breath catch. If she leans forward just a fraction more she could feel Lexa’s lips on her own and it would effectively change everything forever.

But Clarke has to let Lexa do it. That’s what she asked for, twice. She has to wait for her to close the fraction of the space because it wouldn’t be right for her to do it. No matter how badly she wants to. This isn’t all about what she wants. It’s about what’s best for Lexa and closing the distance might not be what’s best.

Lexa pushes Clarke off of her gently and Clarke holds in her sigh. She wishes waiting wasn’t so fucking hard. “I’ll make you breakfast if you’re making dinner.”

“Do we have time for breakfast?”

“You are the boss right?” Lexa teases, causing Clarke to roll her eyes.

“Cheeky.” Clarke finally pulls herself from the warmth of Lexa’s bed and goes about her morning routine. She can feel Lexa just watching her as she moves about the room and she wants to ask her what she’s thinking but she doesn’t seem to have the courage too, and finds that she exits into the bathroom before she can gain any.

She turns the shower on but stares into Lexa’s bathroom mirror at herself until it fogs over enough that she can’t see herself in it. She thinks that even though she and Lexa have taken no steps toward crossing the more than friends’ line, they have taken steps toward something that surpasses only friends… maybe.

They’re aware of this… this thing between them that’s suddenly there or always has been there. They’re aware and sometimes that knowledge is suffocating but on most days it’s just a fact, like its natural. They’re new routine they’ve created around these feelings, this dance is so much different than the one they had been doing before they both decided to acknowledge it. It’s new and delicate and Clarke doesn’t always know what the right thing to do is.

She can’t even remember the last time she’s been to her house in the last few months. Normally only for an hour, sometimes to pick up something. She’s already got paints and an easel set up in Lexa’s office room, which they had both said she’d never do before because Lexa did not want her to work from home to take care of her.

But that’s not what’s happening now. Now Clarke’s easel is here because she doesn’t want to spend any time away from Lexa, because she misses her when they’ve been apart only an hour. And Lexa… Lexa doesn’t want her to work most mornings besides waking her up or guiding her through the motions of her morning routine.

Clarke comes home to Lexa and Lexa comes home to Clarke. They fall asleep in each other’s arms and cooking each other meals and take each other out and it’s not completely different from before except for the quantity of the amount of times they do these things now. It’s every night, every week, every month for the last seven.

This routine is old but it’s new in the way that they do it, in the way that they look at each other, in the way that they think when one of them looks at the other. It’s old but it’s new because Clarke has always thought this way, she just didn’t realize she was doing it for a long time.

And now Clarke showers at Lexa’s and falls asleep in her bed and wakes up to kisses on her skin but never on her lips and she’s happy. She is, despite the desire to taste her kiss, despite the desire to label what they have, despite the wish to feel her body and fall asleep after she’s exhausted her. She is truly happier than she has been in a very long time and by the time she’s out of the shower and she’s sitting beside Lexa at the bar and she can see nothing but green eyes twinkle she knows Lexa is too and that means something. That means a lot more than the desire to kiss her.

Maybe Clarke is waiting for even more than she already has and maybe that’s greedy, but she’s happy now and that makes waiting not so painful.

 

***

 

Halloween, 2016

 

“What are you supposed to be Lexa?” Raven asks squinting at Lexa who looks absolutely normal besides the name tag she had attached to her shirt.

She wasn’t one that really cared to dress up. She tapped her name tag, “I’m Beca, see.”

“Clarke I can’t believe you let her leave the house like that?” Raven gestures to Lexa’s attire as if it’s an atrocity. Lexa almost laughs but doesn’t.

“She’s a grown woman; I have no control over what she decides to do.” Clarke snorts, and takes a gulp of her beer as the music booms a little too loudly for Lexa’s taste tonight.

She watches Clarke breath out a heavy breath of air and tosses her hair to one side. By the slight red tint to her pale cheeks she’s too warm and Lexa can’t blame her, it was rather hot in here and they’re on their third beer, so that’s not exactly helping. “Whose Beca supposed to be?” Raven asks, cutting into her Clarke induced daze and making Lexa look at her.

“She’s a citizen of the US.” Lexa shrugs.

“Boo you Lexa.” This isn’t the first year that Lexa’s ended up doing something like this, but it never failed to irritate Raven. Lexa would have to admit that outside of not really being interested in dressing up, she quite likes the perk of getting under the other girl’s skin for the evening.

“Clarke’s a princess you could have at least,”

“Excuse you, Clarke’s a queen.” Lexa corrects immediately and smiles when she hears Clarke giggle beside her. She does love that sound.

“Queen, whatever, you could have dressed up as a knight or something.”

“Why would I do that?”

“Defend your queen.” For some reason Clarke seems to find this funny and starts cackling loudly beside Lexa, head thrown back and exposing her throat, distracting Lexa from thinking about anything but pressing a kiss to her the smooth surface of her skin.

“Clarke can defend herself; she doesn’t need my help for that.” Lexa grumbles after a moment, taking a drink of her beer and resting against the table.

Clarke grins widely at her. “Awe did you just call me strong?”

Raven’s face scrunches up. “They’re flirting Anya.” She says in a high pitched whining tone as her wife appears back by her side with a tray.

“I can see that, just in time for shots too.” She sets the tray down on the table.

“Are we flirting Lexa?” Clarke seems to genuinely ask her the question, a raise to her cute eyebrow that Lexa follows, staring at too long before she manage to find some kind of answer for her best friend.

“Sure.” She says boldly, grabbing the shot off the tray not long after and tossing it back, ignoring the burn of the contents down her throat.

Clarke seems surprised by her answer and doesn’t touch her shot until it’s the last one left. “Does Beca like to dance?” She asks before taking it.

“Only with pretty blondes.” Lexa answers even more boldly than before, grinning at Clarke casually as the effect of the alcohol starts to take effect.

“Eww make them stop Anya.” Raven whines again.

“Shut up.” They both manage to say at the same time which seems to amuse Anya and frustrate Raven.

“How about we dance.” Anya mumbles in her wife’s ear and drags her away from the pair, giving them space.

Clarke seems to watch them go before she’s looking at Lexa again with that cute curious look in her blue eyes. She takes a drink of her beer before she speaks again. “Just any pretty blonde or does Beca like particular blondes?” She tilts her head to the right as Lexa looks at her and something about the way she looks flips the brunette’s stomach.

She looks away. “She’s definitely particular.” Lexa doesn’t say it looking at her, but rather takes another large drink of her beer, thankful for the soft fog the alcohol has already induced on her so she can’t feel embarrassed by this turn of events, or more accurately, afraid of them.

“Would Beca like to dance with a pretty blonde queen?” Clarke’s touch is on her arm and she shivers to the feel of her through her silk dress top.

“Is the pretty blonde queen you?” Lexa asks shyly, glancing at Clarke.

“No Lex, it’s someone else.” Clarke rolls her eyes and Lexa pouts slightly at her friend.

“I’m Beca tonight remember.” She teases, pushing Clarke’s shoulder as the blonde seems to chuckle beside her.

“Shut up and dance with me?” She offers instead and Lexa takes her hand offered out to her without much more thought, allowing herself to be dragged to the dance floor so that she can yet again participate in one of her new favorite activities with the blonde.

 

 

“Is it still Halloween?” Lexa stumbled into her door, Clarke latched onto her side and trying to hold her up like she herself is not drunk enough to fall into a heap on the floor. It would be laughable if they were both watching this scene play out sober but they aren’t. They barely notice anything wrong besides the three times Lexa misses the lock with her key.

She jiggles it but it doesn’t open right away. “No, it’s November 1st.” Clarke giggles as Lexa parts from her enough to slam her side weakly into the door. It doesn’t work and Clarke has to push her to the side slightly to jiggle the door knob right and push it open.

Lexa pouts and follows her in, closing and locking it behind her. “Can we pretend it’s still Halloween?” She slurs as she turns around to see the blonde leaning against the hallway wall, staring at her with one of those perfect dazed smiles she always gets when she’s drunk.

God Lexa loves that smile. “Why?” She asks cutely, her voice small but her smile huge. She’s batting her eyelashes at Lexa and the brunette doesn’t even know if she’s aware that she’s doing it but she is.

Feeling bolder and the world spinning enough around her, she steps forward into Clarke’s space, resting her hands on either side of her and trapping her against the wall. She likes the small sound Clarke makes when her body gets close to hers. “Because Beca can kiss you.” She mumbles quietly, almost too quietly, in fact it almost sounds like it doesn’t make any sense, but Lexa knows it does by the shade of blue Clarke’s eyes turn.

“Lex,” She says it breathlessly and Lexa’s eyes drop down to her mouth, her smile is gone but she’s not upset. It’s something else, the same something else that’s been brewing between them for months, years.

“I need to know what you taste like, it’s driving me crazy.” Lexa admits honestly, pressing closer so she can feel Clarke’s heart beating against her own, their bodies molding together perfectly like they always do.

“I didn’t know you felt like that too.” Clarke’s voice is low and raspy and turns Lexa’s stomach pleasantly. The blonde’s skin is cold from the weather outside but Lexa is warm as she touches her.

“All the time, can’t stop thinking about it.” Lexa brushes her nose against Clarke’s and the blonde squeaks slightly in the back of her throat.

“Always pressing me against walls when you’re drunk.” Clarke grumbles slightly, her own arms circling around Lexa’s waist and keeping her body close to her. “Probably shouldn’t kiss me yet.” Clarke tells her quietly, though her eyes betray her words, her hands squeezing around Lexa’s waist tell her something else.

Lexa brushes her nose back against Clarke’s and presses a kiss to the corner of her mouth gently, barely moving as the blonde takes in a deep breathe. “I want to so bad.”

“I want you too but probably shouldn’t.”

Lexa backs up, removes a hand from the wall to brush it through the side of Clarke’s hair. “I’m so drunk.”

“I know me too.”

“I’m not good enough for you Clarke.” The blonde just stares at her a moment, as if the comment itself is bewildering.

Than she’s smiling and Lexa doesn’t know why. “Crazy,” Clarke giggles and rests her head against the hallway wall, tipping it to the right slightly and staring at her under her eyelashes. “So crazy.”

“I’m sorry.” And Lexa doesn’t know when she started crying, she didn’t even know she was doing it until Clarke was cupping her face in her hands and sloppily whipping the tears away.

“Shh, don’t cry baby girl.” Clarke leans forward from the wall and kiss each cheek a couple of times and Lexa quivers, both arms leaving the wall to wrap around Clarke and keep her close to her, so close so she can feel the curve of her body and taste the scent of her perfume. “You drank too much baby you’re crying.”

“I love you.”

“Shh, it’s okay, come on, let’s go to bed.” Clarke tries to lead her, tries to guide her the best she can but she’s extremely drunk as well, and eventually they stumble across each other, falling into Lexa’s bed with tangled limbs. “I got you.” Clarke tells her softly as she holds her tightly and Lexa buries herself in the safety of Clarke’s embrace.

They fall asleep pressed completely against each other with Lexa’s face buried in Clarke’s neck and Clarke turned on her side and pressed flat against Lexa’s body so her nose is buried in Lexa’s hair.

 

 

 

 

***

 

November, 2016

 

“Hi Mr. Woods.” Clarke says rather formally to a man she’s known most of her life.

It manages to crack a smile onto his lips though. “Please Clarke, it’s always-”

“Glen, I know.” Clarke chuckles and plops down in a seat across from him as she waits for Lexa to come downstairs. They have plans for dinner at their favorite diner they used to go to all the time when they were in high school and Lexa was taking forever to get ready. Clarke had half a mind to walk up there and ask her what was taking so long but she decided she’d be patient. “So what are your plans this year Glen?” Clarke asks instead, gaze focusing on the glossy eyes of her best friend’s father.

“Plans?” He asks quietly, a bit stiff as his eyes move from her back to the television, some kind of football game highlights on that Clarke can barely bother to pay attention too.

Clarke wonders how Lexa lived with this for so long when it’s only been ten minutes and she’s feeling slightly suffocated already. “Yes, for thanksgiving with Lexa?” She pushes on even though she already knows the answer. She knows how Glen spends his thanksgivings and she knows how she and Lexa spend theirs.

“Oh, I don’t know. Probably just watch the game.” Clarke frowns as his eyes stay glued to the television. They don’t look up even as Lexa comes down the stairs.

With a girl as beautiful as Lexa descending from her second floor Clarke really doesn’t care to have a one-sided conversation with the old man much longer? Instead her eyes focus on her best friend, examining the slight pout that causes her lower lip to jut out. “I can’t find my coat.” She says in a quiet tone, sweeter than Clarke was expecting but it’s not unpleasant in any way.

She quite likes it when Lexa uses that voice, she doesn’t get to hear it very often. “You need that one?” She asks, sitting up in her chair ready to leave at any moment. She can’t think of a better way to spend her evening than eating diner food with Lexa. Most of her fondest memories of high school at all had Lexa in them… not that, that’s surprising really.

“It’s my warmest one and it looks nice.” Lexa’s lip seems to jut out more, her eyes sad as she thinks about the lost article of clothing and Clarke’s heart is already expanding to make room for how in love she is whenever Lexa is being so Lexa in her presents.

Clarke sighs. “Here,” Clarke stands up and shrugs out of her jacket, one that she knows Lexa likes because she’s borrowed it plenty of times in the past. She’ll stop by her house and get a different one, right now Lexa is more important.

“Clarke it’s cold, you need that.” Lexa seems to protests, the pout on her face instead replaced by something else in her eyes and Clarke really loves it when Lexa looks at her like that so she does nothing but smile and take a step toward her best friend.

“Shh, it’ll look better on you anyway.” Clarke holds it open and Lexa rolls her eyes as she leans down to slide into it. When it’s on she turns toward Clarke and lets the blonde button it up, she does so slowly, despite the urgency she feels to get going, mostly because she was hungry and because any time alone with Lexa at a diner is time well spent.

“I’ll be back in a few hours okay Dad.” Lexa eyes are on her father now as Clarke finishes up the buttons and the blonde admires the small admiring look she gives him despite his absence of happiness and attentiveness. She also admires the line of her jaw and the way she had done her eyeliner before she looks away to check over the jacket, like it wasn’t as simple as buttoning it up.

“If you want to stay with Clarke tonight that’s okay.” Glen says and Clarke turns to look at him, making sure she stands close enough to Lexa that if she wanted to she could reach out and wrap her arm around Lexa’s waist and pull her body close to her own.

“Dad,” Lexa begins to protest, but Glen doesn’t seem to be listening.

Clarke is happy to see him looking at them instead of the television screen though. “What, she’s your girlfriend,” Clarke snorts as Lexa rolls her eyes.

“We’ve talked about this.” Lexa is using her warning voice that sweet tone lost in the abyss of her other emotions and Clarke slightly misses it.

“Are you telling me you’re still not dating?” Glen asks almost with a palpable amount of disbelief.

Clarke has always found it kind of cute the way that Glen has always placed her above all of Lexa’s other girlfriends, even though she and Lexa have never actually dated. “No Glen, we’re not.” Clarke is laughing now and she doesn’t even feel bad about it when Lexa glares at her.

“Can you start so you can marry before I die Lexa?” Glen sounds scolding and it just makes Clarke laugh more, holding onto the arm chair she had been sitting in previously.

Lexa is not as amused. “Alright enough of that, you’re not dying any time soon. There’s plenty of time for marriage and grandchildren.”

“You say that now, and then its twenty years later and it’s still just you and me in front of the television on thanksgiving.”

Clarke has an idea, an idea she should probably talk to Lexa about first but what the hell, and she’s got to go for it. “Hey Glen, how about this year you come have thanksgiving with my mom and I? It was just supposed to be the two of us this year but my mom always makes extra food for Lexa so you should come.” Lexa is looking at her now but Clarke avoids eye-contact.

Instead she just smiles at Glen. “I don’t know Clarke,”

“Please, my mom and you are good friends right? It would be nice. You can tease us with her.” Lexa makes a sound next to her that she isn’t quite sure what is because she’s not looking at her but she instead keeps her focus on Glen, who she can see actually contemplating the idea.

“Hmm, maybe.”

“Think about it and tell Lexa your answer when I bring her home tonight alright?”

“Alright.” Clarke nods and finally looks at Lexa who is no longer looking at her. Instead she’s stepping away from her to plant a kiss on her father’s cheek. “Have a goodnight sweetheart.” He says lovingly and Clarke’s heart expands again noticing the way it makes Lexa smile.

“I’ll be back soon.” She whispers reassuringly and steps away from him again and back toward Clarke, offering her hand out to her. Clarke loves that about the way their relationship has progressed, because now when they go places Lexa holds her hand, or even sometimes when they watch a movie together or Lexa is just reading or something, they will holds hands and Clarke can’t get tired of the way it feels.

Like her hand was perfectly made to fit against Lexa’s.

Their fingers intertwine and Lexa leads them outside with one last wave to her dad, and she and Clarke walk side by side along the sidewalk, stopping in front of Clarke’s house so she can part from her only for a few minutes to grab a different coat.

Her mother offers her a questioning look when she skips back inside but she just waves her off, muttering “gave Lexa my jacket” and skips upstairs to grab a different one quickly. She’s back out of the door before Abby can stop her for conversation and intertwining her fingers with Lexa’s again to continue walking down the sidewalk toward the diner down the street.

There’s something about walking along a snow covered sidewalk, with snow falling around them that’s almost magical. It would be if Clarke wasn’t so fucking cold halfway to the diner, but she doesn’t say anything about it or even dare to complain because Lexa looks so content and happy in her warmest jacket with their hands pressed together. She’s looks like an angel with snow in her hair and Clarke is overwhelmed with the incredible urge to kiss her.

So when they finally reach the diner she parts their hands so she can press a kiss to Lexa’s cold cheek and watches the color change to pink as she looks at Clarke. She doesn’t ask, but instead looks shyly at the ground as they approach the door to the diner and Lexa holds it open for her. “Thank you,” Clarke says again, and presses another kiss to Lexa’s other cold cheek, increasing her blush.

Clarke doesn’t linger, excited enter the warmth of room and is thankful when the door behind her finally closes. There’s a small line, so they wait and Lexa comes up behind her to wrap her arms around her waist and rest her chin on her shoulder and she’s much warmer than she had been before. “You looked cold.” Lexa offers as an explanation but she doesn’t need one. Clarke just loves her touch.

“Oh, Lexa look.” Clarke points at a sign that says couples get a free piece of pie on Wednesdays and she beams at Lexa as they move up in the line.

“We’re going to get pie tomorrow.” Lexa reasons with a soft eye roll, but the gentle smile on her lips is unmistakable.

“You can’t be seriously turning down pie now.” Clarke tries to reason with her.

“No, of course not.” The brunette chuckles.

The hostess greets them, interrupting their small conversation. “Hi, how many?”

“Just two, we’re on a date.” Clarke beams, ignoring the look Lexa gives her as she releases her arms from around her waist.

“Clarke,” Lexa tries to protest but the blonde only shakes her head.

“Okay, right this way.” Clarke intertwines her fingers with Lexa’s and drags her along the small space following the lady toward the back, at a booth next to a window. Lexa slides into the right side and Clarke follows her instead of sitting across from her, pressing their bodies together, somewhat from warmth, and somewhat because Clarke is going to take full advantage of this opportunity. “Your server will be right with you.”

“Okay thanks,” Clarke says cheerily and watches the girl leave.

“Wow some date you are, checking out other girls.” Lexa teases, rolling her eyes playfully as she reaches for the menu face down on the table.

“Hey,” Clarke presses closer to Lexa and sets a kiss under her ear, and then a more than sensual one along her jawline and she feels Lexa shiver, definitely not because of the cold. She presses her lips to Lexa’s ear, letting her voice drop low just for her. “You know you’re my favorite girl.” And she squeezes her knee, taking pride in the small noise that leaves Lexa’s throat before she can stop herself.

Clarke giggles and kisses her cheek again and this time Lexa squirms away from her. “You’re way too happy.” The brunette seems to try and protests her mood but her voice is small and almost lost in her throat.

“It’s snowing.” The blonde explains but that really has nothing to do with anything.

“You don’t even like snow.” Lexa calls her out of course, though she’s looking at her with that amused stare and Clarke can’t help but admire her for a second.

“No, but it looks really pretty in your hair.” Clarke bats her eyelashes and Lexa blushes some more.

Clarke unzips her jacket and tosses it to the empty seat across from her before she sets out on unbuttoning Lexa’s jacket, taking her time as the girl watches her fingers work. She likes that, she likes it when Lexa watches her so closely. “Clarke,”

“Yes?”

“There’s something I want to talk about.” Lexa’s voice sounds quiet, even serious and it makes Clarke’s heart race because… this could be it. Is she ready?

“Hello girls, how are you tonight can I start you off with something to drink?” Clarke is not happy with the interruption but at least she’s more subtle about it than Lexa, who full on glares at the waitress.

Clarke plasters a fake smile on her face and turns in her seat to look up at the girl serving them. “Can we get some hot chocolate?” She asks way too cheerily for how she actually feels about being interrupted.

“Yes would you like whipped cream?” The girl smiles widely at them.

“You want whipped cream Lex?” Clarke tosses her hair to look back at her.

“Sure,” Lexa answers kind of grumpily and Clarke giggles, placing another kiss on her cheek.

“Yes, thank you.”

“Are you still deciding on what to eat?”

“Yes we are.”

“Alright, I’ll be right back with your drinks.” Clarke watches the waitress disappear before she turns back to look at Lexa, who’s eyes have moved to watch the snowfall out of the window.

She looks beautiful. “What do you want to talk about?”

Lexa shakes her head. “It’s nothing; let’s figure out what we want to eat.”

“Lexa.” The brunette’s hands are shaking as she makes to reach for a menu in the middle of the table, though they calm down significantly when Clarke grips one of her hands on top of the menu. “Whatever it is, you can tell me anything, you know that.”

“Yeah.” Lexa whispers, her tone quiet. She moves her eyes from the table so that she can meet Clarke and the blonde thinks she knows what Lexa wants to tell her but she’s watching her struggle with it and that’s not what Clarke wants.

Clarke doesn’t want her to say it if it’s too hard to manage to even get it out. “When you’re ready.” She says, interrupting Lexa before she speaks, squeezing her palm and releasing her hand to grab a menu next to her, feeling Lexa relax slightly in the seat beside her though she still looks antsy to get what she wants to say out.

But Clarke is in no rush. She’s just happy to be here with her for once with nobody else to interrupt them, just her and Lexa and diner food and snow.

 

***

 

Thanksgiving, 2016

 

“So what made you not invite everyone this year?” Lexa asks Abby as she’s digging into her own plate of food. Abby glances at her, glances at her own daughter who’s eyes have barely left Lexa since she sat down and then at her own food.

“Thought it would be better for all of us if we just spend thanksgiving together.” Abby smiles softly and Lexa shrugs as she barely looks up from her own plate.

It’s about halfway through the dinner, with most of the conversation coming from Clarke and Lexa just talking back and forth, sometimes teasing sometimes not. Clarke moves to the same side of the table as Lexa, abandoning her end so that she can hold Lexa’s hand while they talk and try to engage Glen in conversation as well.

By the time the pie comes around Abby has definitely taken notice in the way Lexa and Clarke always seem to be kissing one another, not exactly on the mouth and really Abby wouldn’t have noticed anything out of the ordinary for the girls if they hadn’t been flirting in front of her all night, but every time Lexa leans over to grab anymore food she’s placing a kiss to Clarke’s cheek, or her head, or behind her ear. And every time Clarke isn’t being engaged in conversation she pressing a kiss to the top of Lexa’s hand still entwined with her own, or one on her neck, or her shoulder. Really Abby would have to be blind to not see that something between them is different.

They’ve always been affectionate as friends, she never thought anything of it when Clarke was younger, never thought it was weird until Clarke had actually told her that she was interested in girls. And then she noticed, probably something she should have seen a long time ago.

Now though, it was more prominent than ever. Glen had noticed it too, just shrugging when Abby looked at him. So when she got the chance to get her daughter alone in the kitchen after she’s putting away the leftover pie she strikes. “Clarke, is there something going on with you and Lexa?”

Clarke’s eyebrows furrow as she pulls away from the fridge, pushing the door shut as she looks at her mother with a slight raised eyebrow. But Abby knows her daughter and she can see it in her eyes, she knows what she’s talking about. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, you and Lexa seem very… close lately.”

“Close how?” Clarke asks, arms crossing along her chest almost protectively.

“You can tell me if you and Lexa are dating, you know I wouldn’t care, I just want you to be happy. You never tell me when you’re seeing someone and if it was Lexa that’s great,”

“Lexa and I aren’t dating mom.” Clarke rolls her eyes. “That’s just silly.”

“Honey, are you sure? You can trust me with this stuff; I’m not your grandmother,”

“Mom, I promise if I was seeing someone I would tell you. If I was seeing Lexa, I would tell you.”

“Okay, do you want to be with her?” Clarke pauses for a second, not meeting her mother’s gaze and Abby thinks she knows the answer when it doesn’t come in the form of another “that’s just silly” immediately after it’s said.

It takes Clarke another minute before she’s responding. “She’s practically my sister.” She says instead and Abby just shakes her head. “I’m gonna finish helping.” And her daughter leaves in silence. Abby watches her go, only to pass Lexa who’s bringing in a stack of dishes on her way in.

She watches Clarke stop her, press a kiss to her cheek, mumble something quiet in her ear that makes Lexa smile and then her daughter is out of the room and she is left with Lexa, a girl she considers very much like her own daughter as well. “Hi Lexa, thank you honey.”

“You’re welcome, you need help cleaning up?”

“No that’s okay. You and Clarke must have plans tonight right?”

“We’re going to see a movie yes.”

“Lexa can I ask you a question and ask you to be completely honest with me, even if it’s not something you think you can say out loud?”

Lexa stops what she’s doing at the sink and her back stiffens, Abby watches as she turns to her slowly, a curious raise of her eyebrow. “Abby?”

“It’s about Clarke.” For some reason, just the mere mention of Clarke’s name is enough to relax Lexa enough that she’s leaning against the sink instead of standing so straight.

“What about her?”

“Are you and Clarke seeing each other?”

Lexa just stares at her a moment, almost bewildered before her posture is straightening again. “No.”

“You promise me you’re not dating?”

“Ms. Griffin,” Oh no, Abby knows she’s gone and done it now. Lexa is uncomfortable and two seconds away from running to the exit. “Why would you think that?”

“You both seem… very affectionate, I just thought maybe you both finally decided to give it a try. You make her happy, I would be happy for you both.”

“I assure you, we’re not dating.”

“Lexa, it wouldn’t be a bad thing.”

“I know that.” Lexa seems to realize what she said and her eyes leave Abby’s to look down at her own feet, posture stiff and arms behind her back. She looks like a she’s seventeen and Abby’s caught her sneaking into Clarke’s bedroom.

“Lexa can I ask you another question about Clarke?”

“Yes.”

“Would you like to be dating my daughter?”

Lexa sucks in a heavy breath and doesn’t look up right away. But when she does Abby is almost shocked to see the determined look in her eyes. “I am in love with your daughter.” She answers instead and Abby feels her heart give a little tug as she watches Lexa’s eyes water, though she’s too resilient to let any tears fall.

“Oh I know that. Come here.” Abby opens her arms and Lexa sucks in another deep breathe, deciding before she crosses the space between them and falls into her arms. “You should tell her, I know she loves you too.” She squeezes Lexa and feels the girl’s stiffened posture relax in her arms.

“Not yet.”

Abby backs up from Lexa to cup her face in her hand in a motherly way. “You both belong in each other’s lives. No matter what way that will be, nothing can happen that will keep you apart long enough. Even if you think unrequited love would, it wouldn’t. I encourage you to tell her because you make her happy and she makes you happy and I want what’s best for both of you and you both have always been what’s best for each other.” Lexa blinks as if to keep the tears away. “If Jake were here he’d say the same thing, he’d just be more obnoxious about it.”

Lexa chuckles and so does Abby. “What is this, a heart to heart?” Glen says as he stumbles into the room, a real smile on his lips as Lexa pulls away from Abby, sniffing and blinking a few times to rid the emotion that had been there. Abby admired her; she was more often than not, taking care of Glen when she was only a kid herself.

“Something like that.” Abby smiles brightly. “Glen and I can take it from here Lexa, go ahead and go to your movie with Clarke, catch an earlier showing.” Lexa smiles at her and watches her nod as she moves to leave, pressing a kiss to her father’s cheek before she goes.

Abby hopes she’ll take her advice because she wants her daughter to be happy and she really does care a lot about Lexa and seeing them together she knows Clarke would be with someone that would always take care of her, even if she doesn’t exactly need taken care of. They would be good together.

 

***

 

December, 2016

 

“I can’t believe this, she doesn’t even like Christmas.” Clarke blurts out, slumping into the couch cushion next to Lexa as she tosses her phone on the coffee table.

“Clarke this is a good thing. She never celebrates Christmas because of your dad, she always works.” Lexa defends her, as Clarke was sure she would.

Though she does make a good point. “I know it’s a good thing but she’s doing that weird thing she does when she’s trying to get involved in my love life.” Clarke knows it’s true, she knows her mother better than anyone, so she knows when she’s trying too hard to pry into Clarke’s personal life.

“What?” Lexa asks, her tone changing as she raises and eyebrow at Clarke.

“Yeah, she suffocates me; she won’t even care about Christmas she’ll just ask me about dates. Or maybe she’s trying to set me up. She’s only coming for that reason.” Clarke leans back into the couch cushion, crossing her arms along her chest.

“You think she’s coming because she’s trying to set you up?” Lexa asks with an expression that’s suddenly guarded, watching Clarke as the blonde pull herself from the cushion to sit up more straight.

“Lexa, you know how she is about this stuff.” She reasons but this only seems to increase the guarded look on Lexa’s face.

“Sure, but you really think she’d use Christmas as a dating bargaining chip.” She’s trying to convince Clarke that she’s not right, but this is Abby and Clarke knows Abby so of course she’s right. In fact, that thought of Abby being here and involving herself in Clarke’s love life makes the blonde uncomfortable but it seems to be making Lexa even more uncomfortable.

“She said she has something important to talk to me about but she wants to do it in person. Like way to give a girl anxiety.” Clarke releases a heavy huff.

Lexa’s biting her bottom lip. “She didn’t give you a hint as to what that was?”

“No… are you okay?” Clarke finally asks, bending forward slightly to try and assess the look on Lexa’s face more thoroughly.

“Yeah, why?” Her voice is quiet and small and she doesn’t meet Clarke’s eye-line.

“You’re shaking.” Clarke grips Lexa hand that sure enough is trembling. Clarke has no idea why, she wants to ask, she knows it’s something, Lexa’s face has paled greatly in the last two minutes.

“I’m okay.” Oh no… okay. That stupid word.

“Lexa,” Clarke scoots across the couch and climbs into the brunette’s lap to wrap herself around her just right and Lexa is holding her waist and pulling her close subconsciously. “What is it?” Clarke whispers into the space between them and Lexa trembles from something different. Something that’s always between them but they both still ignore.

“It’s nothing.” She mumbles quietly, eyes examining Clarke’s mouth.

“What did I say? Is it me complaining about my mom? I shouldn’t do that.” The blonde runs her fingers through the side of Lexa’s soft brown hair and watches her relax slightly, a soft gentle smile though it’s almost not one crosses her plump lips. Green eyes are still on her mouth.

“No, it’s not that. It’s not you. I’m okay really.” Lexa squeezes her arms around her as if to provide more proof of her mood.

“You look terrified.” Clarke brushes her fingertips over a furrowed brow.

“I am a little.” Lexa admits honestly, letting out a soft breath that Clarke can feel against her mouth, suddenly realizing how close they are.

“Of what?” Lexa looks up; meets her eye-line and she seems like she’s trying to tell her something, something she already knows the answer too but she can’t figure it out, can’t read her mind.

“Our parents think we’re dating.” Lexa says quietly and Clarke’s own eyebrows furrow together.

“That’s what has you so scared?” She asks softly, brushing her fingers through soft hair again.

“No. But we should talk about it.” Lexa has this determined look on her face and it’s almost cute, but it’s mixed in with her fear and Clarke wishes she could figure out why Lexa was so scared of this, of what was between them. She wishes she could make it easier for her.

“Okay.” Clarke slips off Lexa’s lap, though she immediately misses the closeness. “Does it upset you?”

“No.” Lexa shakes her head. “I just didn’t realize we…”

“Lexa,” Clarke sighs heavily. “It happens all the time, are you really surprised?”

“No.” Lexa looks down as her trembling hands tangle together.

Clarke’s heart aches for a second, upset that she cannot figure out what’s wrong. “I’m ready to talk about it Lexa, if you are. But if not, then you’re not and we’ll wait… I’ll wait.”

Lexa sucks in a deep breath and her hands stop trembling only because they grip each other so tightly her knuckles turn white. Clarke almost thinks it was a mistake saying that out loud. But than Lexa’s voice is so small when she answers she knows it’s other reasons Lexa is so scared. “Sorry.”

“Baby,” Clarke sighs and climbs back into her lap. “Don’t be sorry ever about this.” She tips Lexa’s chin and Lexa sucks in a deep breath. “It’s fine. You have me and I have you and it doesn’t matter what label is on that. The only label that matters is that you’re my best friend and I’d do absolutely anything for you, do you got that?”

Lexa nods her head. “I love you.”

Clarke smiles and brushes her fingertips through each side of Lexa’s hair. “And I love you.”

 

***

 

Christmas, 2016

 

“So Clarke, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.” Abby says, starting the conversation Clarke knew was inevitable upon her arrival at her house three days ago. Now they were in Lexa’s apartment, the same set up, the same litter of presents and movie list and dinner but instead of the two of them Clarke’s mother was here to intrude. Her stocking hung up by the fireplace and extra presents set on the coffee table to be separated.

Clarke and Lexa already agreed to open the rest of their presents after Abby had gone back to Clarke’s place after dinner. So a pile sat, one present to each person from each person in the middle of the coffee table, separated from the large pile under Lexa’s small Christmas tree.

Clarke is sad she won’t get to open the sweater first, as it’s normally her favorite one to start with and Lexa knows it. She pushes those thoughts back though as her mother sets her with that gaze that’s pretty common when she’s about to get a lecture about her dating life. She’s only glad she waited until Lexa was distracted with cooking to have it.

“Mom, I’m not interested in any blind dates okay. I’m doing fine on my own.”

“Oh I know that honey, I wasn’t thinking about blind dates, I was thinking we could continue the conversation you ended at thanksgiving.”

Clarke stared at her mom suspiciously, eyebrow rising up as she scrutinized her mother. “What conversation?”

“The one about Lexa.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “No, we are not continuing that conversation.”

“Clarke, you both clearly have feelings for each other. Just look at this Christmas you both do every year?”

“Mom, I swear to god.” Clarke’s voice drops and she looks over the bar into the kitchen, but Lexa is too distracted with the holiday music as she hums it under her breath and moves about the kitchen cooking food. She’s adorable but the last thing she needs to do is stare at her while her mother is also looking at her.

“Your father was my best friend before we started dating.” Abby places a comforting touch on Clarke’s knee but the blonde can only feel her heart rate rise.

If her mother keeps on with this she’ll ruin the progress her and Lexa have made toward the relationship Clarke would like to have and that can’t happen. So she sighs in defeat. “Listen mom,”

“I know what you’re going to say. Lexa’s like my sister, we would never.”

“No mom.”

“But honey I know it’s scary but it’s alright to accept your feelings for her. I think you’ve had them for a long time I just didn’t really realize it until I saw you both together again at thanksgiving-”

“Mom please.” Clarke says kind of loud and flinches before she checks to make sure Lexa isn’t listening. “I’m going to tell you something but you have to promise you’ll drop this as soon as I do, you understand?”

Abby looks at her suspiciously but nods her head.

Clarke takes in a deep breathe. “I am, in love with Lexa.” She tells her quietly. She bites her bottom lip as her mother seems to assess this new information her daughter has given her. “But-”

“No buts Clarke, tell her.” Abby is persistent and there’s determination in her gaze as she stares at her that it’s almost endearing. It would be if it wasn’t Clarke she was nagging.

“Mom.” She warns and Abby looks at her sheepishly and places a hand over her mouth as a way of apology. “Lexa asked me to wait for her a while ago, and so we’ve been slowly advancing into maybe possibly dating but we aren’t there yet and if she hears you ranting off all this information she’s going to freak out and get scared and you’re going to mess it up so you have to stop.”

“Wait, Lexa told you how she feels?” Abby looks surprised by this information, like she knows something Clarke doesn’t, completely bewildered and it’s interesting but not enough to lead Clarke off of the warning she’s trying to get through her mother’s head so she doesn’t mess up this slow progress that her and Lexa have made and will continue making as long as no one gets in the way of it.

“Not exactly, we were drunk at the time, but we’ve had moments and somewhat conversations about it but it’s slow and this thing is delicate so stop.” She’s holding her hands out to emphasize what she means, like her mother needs a visible example to understand her.

She just really doesn’t want her to mess this up. “Okay honest, okay.”

“I really love her, and I can see myself marrying her but you can’t go telling her stuff like that before she’s ready to hear it okay.” She further warns, staring at her mother with soft blue eyes as Abby takes in all of the information her daughter has laid out on the table for her.

“I wouldn’t do that to you. You want to marry her?” Abby’s voice is soft and full of surprise.

“I could see it.” Clarke mutters honestly, voice almost a whisper as she glances behind her again to check that Lexa is still pre-occupied. The last thing she needs is Lexa to overhear this conversation and freak out.

“Clarke that’s so great.” Abby’s eyes tear up and she pulls her daughter into a hug, tight and suffocating and Clarke winces as she tries to hug her back.

“Okay mom, air circulation, cut off.” She coughs as Abby sniffs in her ear.

“Sorry,” Abby sniffs as she backs up. “I’m so emotional, Jake would be so happy. My baby girl’s in love.” She brushes her palm against Clarke’s cheek admiringly and it’s almost endearing but Clarke is still afraid Lexa will hear them.

“Shh,” She warns.

“Right sorry.” Abby sniffs some more and holds up her hands in defense.

 

***

 

New Year’s Eve/New Year’s, 2016-2017

 

“Lexa?” Clarke mumbles when she’s reached to top of the stairs on her second floor. Her house is littered with decorations and soft music plays all across the house. It wasn’t exactly a wild party, but something nice between friends. And Lexa had been enjoying herself, so when she disappeared Clarke wasn’t quite sure why.

She had been looking for her for about ten minutes when she passed the door of her guest room and saw her standing in the room, staring at the bed like she had just seen a ghost on it. The room still dark like she had just walked in. “Lex?” She asks again, stepping past the threshold of the room and setting her champagne glass aside on the desk next to the door.

Lexa doesn’t answer her verbally or even look at her right away. When she hears her name her jaw twitches and it takes her a few seconds to actually look up from the bed to look at her and there’s this unreadable expression on her face. Clarke goes to ask her what’s wrong but Lexa is stepping toward her quickly before she gets the words out and with the look on her face she seems like whatever she wants to say is too important to interrupt.

However, Lexa doesn’t seem to have talking in mind and Clarke’s breath gets caught in her throat when Lexa steps into her space. Lexa is looking at her intensely, almost too intensely as she reaches behind her and shuts the door to the bedroom. Lexa’s hands move from the door to Clarke’s waist and she pushes her back against it and Clarke continues to stare at her. “Le-”

She doesn’t get the question out before Lexa’s mouth is on hers. It almost feels too sudden, but Clarke can hardly question it with Lexa’s lips on her own and her back against the door again… the same spot.

Everything inside of Clarke flips and everything else stops. The kiss isn’t rough or even long and too soon is Lexa pulling back from her. But it’s not enough for Clarke. She hardly lets any space come between them before she’s tugging on the back of Lexa’s neck and bringing their mouths back together in a kiss deeper than the brief one Lexa had pressed to her mouth. A kiss more bold and vulnerable and way more obvious about how long Clarke has been waiting for this.

Lexa tastes like champagne and lays chips she had eaten before and something else, something Clarke doesn’t even know how to name, can’t even think of as she brushes her tongue against the girl’s bottom lip. She warm and safe and Lexa is kissing her in her stupid guest room after what has felt like it would never happen.

Lexa’s mouth opens for her and the girl moans when Clarke’s tongue brushes against her own and she can’t help the slight shudder that runs through her body when Lexa presses her into the door more firmly, her kisses becoming less delicate and more urgent.

A rush of heat coursing through Clarke’s body as her hands tangle into brown hair and when Lexa parts from her mouth again Clarke whines in the back of her throat and tugs on the girl’s hair more firmly because the last thing she wants is Lexa’s mouth to be anywhere but on her own. Lexa’s not backing away from her though, only gasping in a breath of air and brushing her nose against Clarke’s to reposition her mouth and kiss her again.

There’s desperation in this kiss that hadn’t quite been there before and it quickly becomes more than something simple as Lexa lifts her against the wood and Clarke wraps her legs around Lexa’s waist. There’s pressure on her center that hadn’t been there before and it rips a moan from the back of Clarke’s throat as she continues to explore Lexa’s mouth with her tongue.

Her pulse races, Lexa’s hands are on her bare thighs with her dress hiking up; Clarke’s hands shake in the girl’s soft curls. The world has stopped around them and all that exists is Clarke and Lexa in this guest room, the bed with the nice sheets across from them.

Clarke almost thinks this is a dream but the velvet feel of Lexa’s mouth against her own could never be anything but reality. It feels too good, she tastes too good, her touch is too good to be anything but and Clarke feels the emotions of her heart ripping their way through her as if she’s bleeding and being torn open and she should be afraid of it. She should be afraid because this feeling is so intense like someone is gripping at her heart at all times and squeezing whenever Lexa so much as breathes in her direction but she’s not scared. In this moment, with Lexa pinning her against a door, Lexa’s mouth on her own, she’s not scared of anything.

She feels so good she could fly.

Her lungs burn but she doesn’t want to stop. She never wants to do anything but this for the rest of her life and maybe she would say that if Lexa’s mouth wasn’t occupying her own. Maybe she’d spill too much, admit too much, show too much of her heart if Lexa wasn’t pressing her against this door but she feels like even now, unable to speak, even without a word there’s already so much of her heart showing. There’s already so much inside of her on a table in front of Lexa so she can see it all and scrutinize what she wants.

Clarke doesn’t want to hide it, and she’s desperate for more too touch after so long of the bare minimum. An explosion of emotion should be just that, an explosion. So Clarke hands are fast when they leave Lexa’s hair to feel her body, to mold to her skin and remember her just like this when Lexa finally pulls away from her. Gliding across her neck, her collarbone above the t-shirt she’s wearing, down her sides, under the shirt, against her stomach until Lexa is moaning into her mouth and pressing her hips against Clarke’s.

She moves her hands around Lexa’s back, up her spine as she feels her skin back up to the back of her neck until Lexa parts from her so she can strip the offending piece of clothing off her body.

Lexa licks her lips and Clarke wonders if she can taste her on her mouth. Her eyes are wide and green, her pupils slightly dilated, her chest heaving with her breaths and it may be dark in this room but Clarke has never seen anything more beautiful than Lexa is to her right now.

“Should have done that the first time.” Clarke tells her quietly, words slurring less from the heavy amount of champagne she already consumed and more from the drunken feeling of Lexa.

The brunette cracks a small smile, one of her hands moving from where they had been glued to Clarke’s thighs and brushing delicately across Clarke’s cheekbone as if just admiring who Clarke is as she is pinned in front of her. Clarke thinks that maybe Lexa’s own feelings are also on the same table for Clarke to scrutinize as well but before she can really say anything else she’s leaning in again but this time Lexa doesn’t press her further into the door, she peels her off of it and walks backward, slightly wobbly before she falls onto the bed with Clarke on top of her.

Clarke’s hands move back into her hair as the brunette tips her head up to kiss her back. Lexa’s fingers pull down the zipper of Clarke’s dress and brush the skin of her back, making the blonde shiver to her touch. She’s sure Lexa can feel the way her skin goose bumps, she’s sure Lexa can hear her heart that’s pounding so loud and aggressively in her chest she’s afraid it’ll give out.

But she’s not embarrassed because this is Lexa. Her Lexa. She loves her. She wants nothing more than to be with her; in anyway Lexa will let her be with her. Lexa is her heart, her creativity, her favorite smell. Lexa already knows her, has already seen her deepest flaws, and has already witnessed her secrets. She already knows the sounds Clarke makes in her sleep, and the way Clarke looks at her when she smiles.

There is nobody that knows Clarke better than Lexa and that’s what makes this so easy even when it should be hard and Clarke should be afraid because Lexa would never hurt her intentionally. Lexa would never go out of her way to use the way her body reacts to her against her. Lexa would never listen to Clarke’s confessions and laugh in her face. Lexa would do everything she can to make Clarke comfortable and happy.

Because Clarke is first to Lexa and Clarke knows that.

Lexa pulls back again and Clarke chases her mouth, not letting her talk again as she pushes her against the mattress below them. Lexa sighs into her mouth and Clarke swallows the noise, she’s warmer now, Lexa’s hands have moved back to sit on-top of her thighs, squeezing every time Clarke bites down on her lower lip.

Lexa grows more confident, tugging on the dress until Clarke gets the hint and pulls back so Lexa can help her pull it off and toss it onto the floor. Her hands are gentle, caressing different pieces of Clarke’s skin as her eyes follow them, admiring the body on top of hers and it makes Clarke feel everything at once.

“Lexa,” Clarke mumbles breathlessly and the brunette sits back up, wrapping one arm around Clarke’s waist and holding her while her right hand spreads across the expanse of her stomach, pushing up and cupping Clarke’s breast over her bra as her lips find Clarke’s throat and the blonde moans, grip moving back to Lexa’s hair and gripping tightly. “I’ve wanted this for so long,” Clarke’s words slur again, unable to stop them with shaky hands in soft hair.

Lexa’s lips stop and she seems to pull back, looking over Clarke’s face as if examining for something. Clarke thinks she’s going to say something but she seems to be thinking too hard to actually manage to get anything out. Whatever it is she seems to brush it off because than she’s kissing her again, deeply with her tongue brushing back into Clarke’s mouth and the blonde moans again, hips pushing into Lexa’s as the brunette squeezes her breast in her hand over the cup of her bra.

Then Lexa’s lips split from hers again and move back down her neck, her hands sliding around Clarke’s back to unclip her bra quickly and toss it along with her dress. Clarke sighs as Lexa cups her breast again, thumb brushing against a puckered nipple as Lexa’s kisses move down toward her collarbone.

Her lips are like a brand new fire Clarke isn’t used to feeling, her teeth marking her skin dark only to be soothed by her gentle tongue while her fingers work against the stiffened peak of her nipple and urges more sounds from the back of Clarke’s throat and another push of her hips into Lexa’s.

Is this what all the girls had felt like when Lexa was with them?

“Lexa, please touch me.” Clarke slurs again and this time Lexa stiffens against her, before she pulls back. Her hands moving from Clarke’s body to cup her face and make her meet her eyes. She looks upset but Clarke doesn’t know why.

“Clarke, you’re drunk.” Lexa says sternly and then she’s flipping them around quickly as Clarke sighs, Lexa caressing her cheek gently. “I’m sorry.” Lexa whispers and Clarke’s heart expands as she gazes into gentle green eyes.

“What for? I want you.” Clarke tries to say it this time without slurring her words together but they slip together nonetheless, despite her efforts to appear less drunk than Lexa thinks she is.

She is drunk. “Not like this.” Lexa leans back down and kisses her hard, so hard Clarke forgets what’s really happening, hands flying back into soft curls and tugging Lexa’s body closer to hers because the last thing she wants is Lexa to leave her right now.

Not like this.

“Don’t go.” Clarke mumbles against her mouth and Lexa melts into her.

“Let’s get your dress back on okay.” Lexa whispers back and Clarke’s grip tightens.

“Lexa no.” She sounds vulnerable and drunk and she knows it but she doesn’t want it to end like this, it can’t end like this. She doesn’t know when Lexa will kiss her again, if Lexa will ever kiss her again.

“Hey,” Lexa caress Clarke’s cheek again, pressing her forehead to Clarke’s and looking into her eyes. Her heart squeezes again, that grip on the muscle is still there as the feelings erupt in her chest and it’s unmistakable what it is.

She loves her. “I will kiss you again, but you’re drunk and you can’t be drunk.” Lexa is serious, her tone level. Clearly she isn’t drunk, not even tipsy. The dilation to her eyes and the blush along her cheeks isn’t at all from alcohol.

It’s because of Clarke. “I’m not that drunk.”

“Clarke.” Lexa’s voice is soft and scolding and a bit raspy from whatever she’s also feeling. Pulling away can’t be any easier for her than it is for Clarke. “I’m so sorry; I should have paid more attention. Please let me put your dress back on.” Lexa’s tone shakes, her voice full of worry she doesn’t need to be feeling. Clarke wants to comfort her, hold her and tell her everything is going to be fine but Lexa won’t listen beyond the slur of her words.

“Okay,” Clarke sighs as Lexa pulls her up from the bed to sit at the edge. She watches a shirtless Lexa pick up her dress and her bra before she’s back at her side, clipping the bra back on her and then sliding the dress over her head. “Lexa you didn’t do anything wrong, I’ve wanted this since that first night, maybe before. I just want to be with you and-”

“Hey, slow down.” Lexa kisses the corner of her mouth as she pulls her up from the bed and slides Clarke’s zipper up, pressing the wrinkles out of her dress for her. “Go back to the party; I’m going to go home.” Lexa kisses her mouth briefly and Clarke sighs. She watches her as she scours the ground for her shirt that she had lost ages ago because of Clarke.

She finds it by the door. “Don’t go.” Clarke mutters vulnerably as she watches Lexa pull the garment back on over her head.

“I have to go.” Lexa’s own hands are shaking and Clarke didn’t realize they were until she was reaching out to tug on Clarke’s waist and pull her against her body again. Lexa is in no better shape than Clarke when it comes to this feeling and the desire that’s already between Clarke’s legs. “I’m sorry.” Lexa whispers again and her voice cracks along the words, her eyes glassing over like she’s really done something wrong and Clarke’s heart aches.

“Stop saying that,” She mutters but Lexa shakes her head.

“I love you.” The way Lexa says it sounds different from all the other times Clarke has heard it before. Like it’s laced and littered with something else, something deeper than what two best friends mutter to each other at the end of phone calls.

Clarke’s heart is racing for completely different reasons. “Lex, I-” But she can’t get any more out because Lexa is kissing her yet again, long and deep and like she as well never wants to do anything else ever again.

But when Lexa pulls back she doesn’t hesitate and she’s out of the room before Clarke can stop her or even register that she’s gone, staring at the open doorway almost as if it’s her enemy. Once she’s gained her consciousness back she tries to chase her but Lexa has already left and she is too drunk to chase her into the street like she wants too. Too drunk to walk the distance to her apartment and finish what Lexa has started.

 

 

***

 

January, 2017

 

“Lexa, you better answer this door.” Clarke is pounding on her front door, shouting through the wood but she refuses to open it.

The brunette bites her bottom lip as she stares at her front door, two feet away from it. Clarke could just come in, she has a key, and Lexa’s not entirely sure why she’s bothering to knock. She shouldn’t be knocking and now that Lexa has gone and kissed her when she was drunk she’s suddenly knocking and it’s not right.

She steps forward and presses her hand against the metal of the handle. “I know you’re in there, your car is still here.” Clarke sounds upset, really upset and Lexa wonders if she really did cross a line she didn’t mean too. She wanted to do it right, of course she had planned to use her words first but that’s just not how it happened.

Emotion led her and that was her first mistake. “Why are you knocking?” Her voice shakes and she silently curses herself for sounding so weak and scared.

“Because I’m respecting your boundaries asshole, but you haven’t called me in two weeks.” Lexa’s heart sinks, biting her lips again she grips the door handle more tightly.

“You haven’t called me either.” She offers up in some kind of misguided protest. She doesn’t really know why she’s bothering to protest, or what she’s even protesting for. She just wants Clarke to know how she feels, she just has no idea how to show her or tell her. Kissing her when she was drunk isn’t right or enough to explain it and now everything is a mess.

“Lexa, open the door.” The brunette takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly; unlocking the door and pulling it open so she can see a shivering blonde in front of her.

Her instinct is to reach out and pull her in, to focus on getting her warm but she manages to hold back the urge, instead stepping aside. “Should have used your key.” She mumbles quietly as Clarke passes the threshold.

“Shut up.” Clarke shuts the door and turns toward Lexa with a raised eyebrow, eyes moving from her own to her lip and back to her own. She remembers and Lexa’s stomach is in knots at the thought. “What the hell?”

Lexa leans against the wall. “What?”

“I can give you space you know, but you have to ask for it. Not calling me or answering my texts, you can’t do that.” Clarke is furious with her, maybe she has the right to be but Lexa didn’t know what to do. She should have called, but maybe Clarke should have called too and now everything’s not right and she should have never kissed her without talking first.

“Clarke, I-”

“You’re my best friend before we’re anything else, do you understand that?” Clarke steps closer, into her space and Lexa’s breath catches, eyes attaching to soft lips and the distant taste of Clarke is on her tongue.

She aches to lean forward and capture her mouth again but getting yelled at by your best friend in your own hallway after you’ve clearly upset her is not the time for something like that. She’s upset, and kissing her won’t stop that.

“I’m sorry I was-”

“No. I’m not done… sorry.” Clarke steps into her space and Lexa’s can’t breathe. The smell of her takes over her senses. “I’ve been patient and I’ve waited and waited and I’ll wait and wait but you kissed me.” Clarke’s hand reaches up and her fingertips brush against Lexa’s cheek, the brunette melts into her touch. “You kissed me and it somehow still feels like I’m waiting.” Clarke’s voice cracks and Lexa’s heart crumbles.

She wants to kiss her again and tell her she doesn’t have to wait anymore, to get it all out and be honest but the lump in her throat stops her from talking. She’s upset her. “Clarke,”

“It’s okay.” Clarke’s thumb brushes along her cheekbone. “You just can’t push me out. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. But don’t push me away.” Clarke is nearly whispering now and Lexa’s heart aches at the look in her eyes.

“I’m not. I couldn’t.” Her own voice cracks along the words weakly.

“I have to go to work.” The blonde says abruptly, backing up from Lexa as she lets out a breath, her shoulders coming down from the tense position they had been pulled in before she opened the door, she turns to leave and Lexa panics.

“Wait,” Lexa grabs Clarke’s wrist. She wants to tell her, to kiss her and mutter all the things she was prepared to say that night but it isn’t perfect. It isn’t exactly right, with Clarke’s furrowed eyebrows that show she’s upset and the lingering doubt in her own head. It’s all wrong, she can’t do it now. “Come back after.” She insist, because she has to do it right, to set it up perfectly because that’s what Clarke deserves after all this time.

Clarke sighs. “I don’t know if-”

“Please just come back.” She begs and Clarke seems to realize how serious she is.

Her eyebrow rises, furrowed as she scrutinizes the look on Lexa’s face. “Why?”

Lexa doesn’t hesitate. “I want to talk.”

Clarke sucks in a deep breath and looks down at her feet. When she looks back up her gaze is much softer and less guarded. “Okay.” She whispers and Lexa is determined to make everything perfect for her.

 

***

 

Valentine’s Day, 2017

 

Clarke has never been so frustrated in all her life. She should have never cancelled on Lexa a couple of weeks ago to talk because they haven’t gotten the chance since. She should have told the gallery to fuck itself and go home to her like she had asked of her. Clarke wouldn’t be in this situation if she had.

The gallery has swamped her, Lexa isn’t answering her phone again, most likely because she’s so busy on her business trip she doesn’t have the time. At least she still sends Clarke goodnight messages now unlike those first few weeks after she kissed her.

And now Lexa won’t be back for another two weeks and Clarke is left to spend Valentine’s Day at her gallery, only to go home earlier because it’s the first day in weeks that things have finally slowed down with the upcoming exhibition and Lexa isn’t there to actually talk to.

She’s sending her sixth unanswered text by the time she’s made it to her house. It’s unsettling, mostly because she doesn’t know how Lexa’s been feeling lately, and canceling on her when she had been ready to talk wasn’t her brightest or even smartest move to date. Sure Lexa has been unfair a few times, maybe Clarke has appeared impatient a few times, none of that really matters when it boils down to it.

But now Clarke is alone on Valentine’s Day and Lexa is working on a business trip a thousand miles away and it absolutely sucks.

She should have told the gallery to fuck itself.

Clarke’s just sitting down on her sofa, having changed into something more comfortable and heated up leftovers in her lap with the remote in her other hand when the knock on her door rips her from the concentration she had on watching a new episode to her favorite show. The knock came again and she groaned, leaning her head back and looked at the entryway like it was the literal devil before she set her food on the coffee table along with the remote and stood up.

Another knock, more urgent than the last and she was rolling her eyes, stepping up the small step into the entryway and reaching for the door. She lets out a heavy sigh as she pulls the door open but her sigh is replaced with a gasp as Lexa steps into her space and grabs her face, pulling her close and attaches her mouth to her own.

The first time Lexa had ever kissed her, weeks ago at the New Year’s party, Lexa’s first kiss had been short and sweet and she was backing up, but that’s not at all what she did with this one. This kiss was consuming, Lexa’s tongue diving into her mouth before she can fully comprehend what’s happening.

It doesn’t take her long to respond in much the same way, meeting Lexa’s desperation with her own, hands tangling in her hair and pulling her body closer as she kisses her. There’s a deep hunger in these kind of kisses, so consuming that neither one of them can breathe… neither one of them wants to breathe.

This time Lexa taste like spear-mint gum and toothpaste. This time Lexa is not hesitant but here, molding her body into Clarke’s like she can’t imagine fitting anywhere else, with anyone else. Neither can Clarke.

Clarke is gasping for air when Lexa pulls back to reposition and she has to stop her before she dives back in because they should talk first, they should really talk and the door is still open and it’s fucking cold.

As if reading her mind, Lexa leg reaches back and she seems to kick the door shut with her heel. And then Lexa is picking her up and Clarke squeals, clinging to Lexa like she’s afraid the girl will drop her. Soon Lexa is throwing her down on the bed and Clarke is sitting up to say something but Lexa has lifted her shirt over her head and Clarke’s mind fogs over because what was so important that they had to stop doing this?

This, this has been coming for years. This is something Clarke was afraid she’d only ever get in her dreams, but she knows she’s not dreaming when Lexa’s lips are pressing to her own again because something about her taste is so specific, so detailed like it’s embedded in who Lexa is and no dream could ever replicate it or even manage to get it right.

Clarke flips them over because the last thing she wants right now is to be on the bottom, and explores the skin revealed to her by Lexa discarding her shirt as she kisses her mouth. She bites at the girl’s bottom lip and Lexa moans, she cups her over her bra and Lexa stutters, she kisses down her jaw and Lexa gasps.

No dream could ever properly replicate Lexa, not really.

Lexa’s hands are in her hair, tugging and pulling her back to her mouth and Clarke explores her. Her tongue brushes against the velvet warmth of Lexa’s and her insides burn at the feeling and the flavor of her. So much pining, so much waiting, so much desperation for this moment and it’s easy to see it in Clarke’s shaky hands on her skin and Lexa’s dilated pupils when Clarke backs up enough to actually look at her under her.

For a moment they aren’t as desperate, as urgent to get to the next level. For a moment it’s just them and the entire world outside has stopped and they have all the time in the world to be together. For a moment just staring into each other’s eyes, Lexa’s hands brushing through Clarke’s hair and Clarke’s pressing against the skin on her sides, is enough.

Only for a moment, and then Lexa is kissing her again and that feeling is gone, replaced by urgency to feel Lexa below her, to hear her moan in her ear and come apart on her fingertips. But most importantly she wants nothing more than to love her, to pour herself into this so that every touch Lexa feels she has no doubt, so every breath that Lexa hears her take in there’s only one explanation.

She’s waited so long.

Lexa’s hands move from Clarke’s hair to desperately tug at Clarke’s clothes and Clarke’s fingertips are flipping the button of her jeans open and tugging the zipper down, Lexa’s hips lifting as she tugs them down and throws them onto the ground with Lexa’s shirt only to have her shirt and sweatpants and underwear meet the same fate when Lexa sits up enough to pull it over her head and insist that Clarke take the rest off.

Lexa’s eyes move to her chest, vacant of a bra because she had come home to relax and her mouth falls open slightly as if she can barely breathe. Clarke doesn’t bother saying anything, instead leaning in and kissing her hard as she molds their bodies back together because the less distance the better right now.

Clarke sighs as Lexa’s hands brush across her spine. Her kisses trail across Lexa’s jaw again and the girl shivers, nails digging into Clarke’s back as she reaches around Lexa to unclip her bra, lifting her body enough to pull the bra off and throw it somewhere, but never parting her lips from Lexa’s skin as she marks and travels down her neck.

She moans slightly at the feel of skin on skin, their bodies pressing together in a way they haven’t before. Lexa’s breaths are heaving and Clarke can actually feel each deep intake of air she takes and each one she lets out, she can feel it travel through her body and hear it as she releases it and it’s new. Of all the things Clarke knows about Lexa… she doesn’t know any of this. This is all so new.

Lexa’s hands tangle back into her hair as Clarke travels lower with her mouth, marking skin red and letting her left hand cup one of Lexa’s breast and shivering at the feel of it in her hand, she brushes her thumb across a stiff nipple and moves it in a circular motion and feels Lexa’s breath catch in her throat. Actually feels her hold it.

Clarke’s mouth finds her other breast and Lexa releases the air in her lungs she was holding in a breathy moan. Her hand in Clarke’s hair tightens as she arches into her mouth and the blonde feels the effect of seeing Lexa like this spread warmth pooling between her legs. She switches positions to take Lexa’s other breast into her mouth, swirling her tongue around the stiffened nipple and Lexa moans again, arches again, tightens her hold in Clarke’s hair again and it’s so much. It’s fucking beautiful.

She abandon’s Lexa’s breasts begrudgingly to travel down the rest of her body, leaving marks in her skin until she reaches her waist and stops, leaving a kiss to the skin below her navel and glancing up at Lexa as she waits for her permission, her hands hovering over the hem of Lexa’s underwear. She thinks she can smell her when she’s this close and her mouth nearly waters at the anticipation of tasting her.

Lexa’s eyes finally meet her own and Clarke is the one to stop breathing this time. Lexa has never looked at her quite like this before, and with the warmth that continues to grow between her legs and the tingling that accompanies this desire, she knows that this look is one to ruin her. “Clarke,”

Oh, god her voice.

“What do you want Lexa?” Clarke asked softly, voice so low and raspy she hadn’t been expecting herself to sound like that. She curls her fingers around the edges of Lexa’s underwear, preparing to pull them down but not quite doing it without her permission, without her saying it out loud.

Lexa’s eyes never leave her own. “You.”

That’s all it takes to ruin Clarke for life.

She tugs at Lexa’s underwear more urgently than maybe a moment like this should hold, but Clarke has been waiting so long and by god, so has Lexa. She wants to taste her, she wants to hear what she sounds like when she’s making her feel good, she wants her to cum on her tongue.

She’s waited so long.

Clarke’s first swipe through Lexa is exploratory but Lexa is so worked up, like she’s been waiting for Clarke to touch her like this for so long… perhaps she has. Her head falls back against the pillows, her hips lifting so she pushes against Clarke’s mouth, her taste exploding on Clarke’s tongue as she swipes through her again.

Lexa’s hands in her hair tighten and Clarke pushes her legs further apart with her own, diving in and taking in her taste, salty but slightly sweet, again it’s new and different. She’s never touched Lexa like this before. So she explores her texture, her feel and it drives Lexa crazy. Her hands tightening with each movement, moving in Clarke’s hair like she’s trying to get her to move to where she wants her the most.

But Clarke takes her time because Lexa tastes amazing and she’s been waiting so long and she just wants to remember this because what if it never happens again? What if this isn’t what Lexa wants later? What if Clarke is not enough for Lexa?

She can’t think about that now, with Lexa squirming under her tongue and her hands in her hair. Instead she focuses on making Lexa feel good, wrapping her lips around the straining bundle of nerves and holding Lexa’s hips down as they lift to meet her mouth, low moans escaping in the back of Lexa’s throat.

Lexa is wet enough to smear across her face and drip down her chin but she doesn’t care. Instead she just focuses on the noises Lexa makes, and the way Lexa tastes and the hands holding her hair tightly and she slips her fingers inside of her to explore the warmth of her silky walls. The wet noises of her body echoing in the room with her low moans, muddled with Clarke’s name.

Clarke could get used to this. She’s almost sure there’s not a thing in life better than this very moment, with two fingers knuckle deep in the girl she loves and her tongue on her throbbing clit and Lexa begging her to continue. And when she looks up and all she can see is Lexa’s head tilted back and her chest heaving with her heavy breathes and her body twists into her mouth and it’s almost too much. Clarke thinks maybe she could cum just pleasuring Lexa… she never knew it could be like this.

It doesn’t take Lexa long to cum after her fingers press a particular way inside of her, brushing across a rough patch that makes her cry out and as she sucks Lexa’s clit into her mouth and flicks her tongue along it every few motions soon Lexa is arching into her with a whimper coming off her tongue and a gush of wetness pooling in Clarke’s hand.

She wants to remove her fingers and replace it with her tongue and taste it as her orgasm expands but she also wants Lexa to keep feeling this way, so she keeps a steady rhythm only slowing down as Lexa seems to come down, and only stopping when Lexa squirms away from her tongue.

Clarke kisses her way back up Lexa’s body, though she could spend the entire day between Lexa’s legs and never get tired of it. Maybe it’s from waiting for so long, maybe it’s because she’s never seen Lexa like this, never tasted Lexa like this, never gotten to touch Lexa like this before. Maybe it’s because she’s so in love that leaving a bubble that involves only them doesn’t sound that appealing anymore.

Whatever it is, Lexa’s pleasure is suddenly more important to her than her own and that’s what has her moving back down Lexa’s body before she’s even removed the arm from over her eyes. Lexa calls out to her, her voice rough and lost and so fucking beautiful but Clarke doesn’t listen right away, focused until the brunette girl is pulling her back up and away from her destination.

And she pouts as Lexa kisses her mouth gently and then firmer and moaning at the taste of herself on Clarke’s tongue and Clarke forgets what her original goal had been because Lexa’s a fucking good kisser and she could do this forever. “Up, Clarke.” And the blonde doesn’t get it at first, dazed by Lexa’s eye color, Lexa’s kisses, and the taste of Lexa still in her mouth.

So Lexa is pulling at the back of her thighs, “up,” She says again and Clarke thinks she gets it now, a tightness of anticipation unfurling in her belly as she climbs over Lexa’s body and hovers over her face, a bite to her lower lip as she feels a bit shy like this. She’s never done this before either… this is also new. It’s all new, but this is really new.

She’s afraid to lean down and seek out Lexa’s mouth so she stays in her position, until Lexa is leaning forward and gripping her backside and pulling her to her mouth. A gasp, unexpectedly by Clarke, releases out into the air as she feels Lexa’s tongue push between her wet lips. She grips the headboard as her body reacts to the action, pushing into Lexa’s mouth on its own accord. Her body lights up and her belly tightens from a whole new kind of feeling beyond anticipation.

The pleasure unravels in her as Lexa continues her onslaught, definitely not as slow as Clarke had been, diving straight for the blonde’s clit and sucking it into her mouth so Clarke’s grip on the head board is knuckle white and a high pitched moan is leaving her with the spikes of pleasure traveling through her body, rushing through every crevice of who she is. It’s fucking amazing.

Clarke can’t help it anymore when Lexa’s tongue slips inside of her and she can feel it, brushing against her walls and massaging the inside of her body until the pleasure is overpowering her, fogging up her mind and tingling in every limbs, her hips moving to seek out the rest of it, to find that release building in her belly with each deep swipe of Lexa’s tongue, curling her stomach tightly like she’s going to explode.

She can’t stop the sounds leaving her throat, the thrusting of her hips against Lexa’s face, her clit brushing against her nose, spiking that pleasure even more with each press of Lexa’s tongue. And god does it feel good; she hasn’t felt this good in forever. Side hook-ups with baristas that work at coffee shops could never make her feel this way.

The moment it hits is also as new as everything else she’s experienced while doing this with Lexa so far. Like a fire roaring up through her veins and blurring her vision until she can’t keep her eyes open, her mouth falling open but with no real sound really coming out besides a chocked noise in her throat, the pleasure is too much, coursing through every inch of her body and making her practically float to the sky. She’s thankful for Lexa’s hands on her body because she’s sure she’d be near the stars right now if the brunette wasn’t grounding her.

It takes her some time to come down, and she’s almost afraid she’s going to fall on Lexa and suffocate her because she feels incredibly weak. But Lexa seems to know, and has her before she loses her balance, laying her on the bed and pressing lovely soft kisses to her skin and muttering things like “you’re so beautiful” and “you did so good, you came so hard.” And Clarke must be living in an alternate reality because she never thought she’d ever hear Lexa say stuff like that to her, nor did she ever think it was possible to feel this fucking good.

She wants to look at Lexa but she still can’t really open her eyes, like it’ll take too much work and her limbs are weak in the bed she lays in, her heart still racing against her ribcage as she tries to settle down. She can feel Lexa climbing down her body “I’m cleaning you up,” and she wants to protest, to tell Lexa she just wants to hold her for a moment but she’s too weak to say anything.

Her breath hitching as she feels Lexa’s tongue glide along her thighs, across her center, around her clit, taking up every last drop of her and she squirms slightly because she’s too sensitive and it’s almost too much but at the same time it’s so nice and Lexa’s tongue feels so good.

Soon Lexa is gliding back up her body and Clarke is gaining more feeling in her body, and her heart rate is settling as Lexa rests on top of her, burying her nose in the crevice where her shoulder meets her neck and letting her breath cascade across Clarke’s sensitive skin, only making her shiver and throw a limp arm over Lexa’s body.

It’s sometime where they just lay like that, breathing against each other and lying with each other and it’s so fucking nice because Lexa’s naked and on top of her and this is reality and not something she’s going to wake up from, wet and needy and unable to sate her hunger. This is real, Lexa is here with her, she’s touched Lexa more intimately than she ever has before and Lexa has touched her and Clarke is overwhelmed with this feeling of joy taking over her chest because Lexa came home early and kissed her and took her to bed and Clarke has waited so long.

She’s waited so fucking long.

“What are you thinking about?” She didn’t realize Lexa had adjusted, propped up to look at her face, noticing and witnessing the pure joy crossing her features and a giggle leaves Clarke before she can stop it.

Lexa’s own smile travels across her face. “That we should have done that a long fucking time ago.” Clarke laughs and so does Lexa and then Clarke wants to cry because how can this moment be real?

She manages to sit up, blinking back her emotions, and sucking in a grateful breath of air as Lexa sits up with her, lays her chin on her shoulder and seems to wait for Clarke to say something else. But Clarke doesn’t know what else to say because everything she wants to say she doesn’t know if she’s allowed to say. “I’m sorry.” Lexa whispers and it shocks Clarke so much she has to turn to look at her properly, making Lexa’s chin leave her shoulder and her adjust how she’s sitting so she’s more comfortable.

“What the hell for?” Clarke asks bewildered and Lexa’s smile is bright and wide as it crosses her face.

“That it’s taken me so long to get here.” She scoots across the bed and brushes her fingertips through the side of Clarke’s hair gently. This motion, this touch isn’t new, it’s comforting and familiar and one of Clarke’s favorites. “I still don’t think that I’m good enough for you, but baby…” Lexa leans forward and kisses Clarke softly. “I want you.”

Clarke sucks in a heavy breath, emotion erupting dangerously in her chest and the tears in her eyes she had been holding back spill anyways, and then Lexa is grabbing her face and whipping them away and muttering more apologies and she can honestly say she isn’t crying because she’s sad. She shouldn’t be crying at all, but fuck. “I want you too.” And then Clarke leans back so she can kiss Lexa more deeply, this kiss less urgent than all the other ones and instead Clarke pours every last emotion she has into it, determined this second time around to shower Lexa with love, to build her up softly and show her every emotion written on the surface of her heart. Maybe she’s got so much time to do it now, after so long, but she would gladly spend the rest of her life showing Lexa she’s in love with her than ever bothering with waiting ever again.

 

***

 

February, 2017

“What?” Clarke nearly yells when she pulls the front door of her house open. It takes Raven a second to realize she’s interrupted something but Clarke’s frazzled hair and sheet to block her body is indication enough that she’s clearly stepped in on something.

She grins. “Are you getting laid?”

“No, apparently I’m talking to you.” Clarke glares at her and Raven chuckles.

“Who do you got in there?” Raven seems to lean up, looking past Clarke’s shoulder like she’ll be able to see all her dirty secrets just by looking into the entrance of her house.

“You have ten seconds to tell me what you want.” Clarke is not fucking around if the glare on her face is any indicaton.

“I want you to answer your phone, but I see you’re a bit busy.” Raven pushes her eyebrows up and down with a smirk and Clarke can’t stop the glare that surfaces across her face.

“Goodbye.” She states simply, though Raven protests as she slams the door but Clarke doesn’t care. Ignoring her as she drops the sheet and sprints back to her room where Lexa is sitting with her back propped up against the headboard of Clarke’s bed.

She looks fucking beautiful.

“Who was it?”

“Who cares?” Clarke giggles as she climbs into Lexa’s lap and immediately kisses her, pushing her hips forward into Lexa so that she understands that she would like to get back to what they were doing before.

“What were we doing before you had to answer the door?” Lexa teases giggling through kisses as Clarke pushes her hips forward again, a soft moan catching in her throat as she rubs against Lexa’ lower stomach.

“Fucking.” Clarke states boldly and Lexa isn’t expecting it, so it causes a laugh to erupt from her chest that Clarke can feel travel through her body when they are pressed so closely together.

“Right, I remember.” Lexa is still laughing as her right hand moves past Clarke’s waist to cup against her wet center and Clarke moans into her mouth. “This what we were doing?” Clarke feels Lexa’s slender fingers dip between her folds and brush against her, smearing the copious amount of wetness that had already accumulated from almost cumming before the interruption and moving back toward her stiff bundle of nerves, a slow circular motion that strikes a soft low moan rumbling from her as her hips move of their own accord at the spiked amount of pleasure surfacing through her body and making her head tilt back.

“Please Lexa just finish what you started.” She groans as she grips the brunette’s shoulders and feels her shrug.

“Yes ma’am.” She whispers in her ear before sinking her fingers back into Clarke and making the blonde’s moan turn a bit higher as she works up a good pace, pressing against the spongy patch inside of her and rubbing the heel of her hand on Clarke’s clit.

The blonde grip tightens and she forgets about everything else as she rides Lexa’s fingers, kissing her as the white hot pleasure of her orgasm courses through her veins.

 

***

 

March, 2017

 

“Ugh, I still can’t get ahold of Clarke. She must be having really good sex.” Raven mutters in annoyance as she steps into her living room, looking down at her phone and figuring that her recent lunch date plans must be canceled, since Griffin doesn’t know how to slow down and spend some time with her lately.

“I’m sorry what?” Anya asks almost as if she’s bewildered that Clarke would ever sleep with anyone ever, like she’s a sexless human with no desire.

It’s almost funny but Raven is too annoyed to laugh. “Clarke. She’s done nothing but answer me vaguely for the past month. Like she can’t be having that much sex right?” She asks the question but she doesn’t really want the answer because of course she already knows it. It’s just annoying.

“Maybe you just pissed her off.” Anya says instead, focusing on her magazine again, clearly not wanting to have a conversation that involves Clarke and sex in anyway at all. Anya sees her as more of a little sister than anything else and again, Raven would laugh if she wasn’t busy being annoyed.

“No she’s having sex, lots of it. I went to her house and she slammed the door in my face because I interrupted her.” Raven rolls her eyes and hits the power button on her phone, shoving it in her back pocket.

“Isn’t this a good thing for Clarke? This means she’s seeing someone and she hardly dates. Let alone has sex very often, this was bound to happen.” Anya shrugs, flipping the page of her magazine and barely offering Raven much of a look.

“Yeah I guess.” Raven huffs and falls onto the couch next to her wife. “We’re supposed to go to lunch today, she said last week she would but now she’s not answering her phone again.” Raven pouts but Anya isn’t really paying attention to her.

“The only time Clarke has ever cancelled on you is for the gallery, I doubt she’s going to cancel on you to have sex.” She rolls her eyes and continues to look at her magazine.

Raven frowns. “She slammed the door in my face Anya, and didn’t come back.”

“Well… you try not having sex for three years and see what it does to you.” Anya seemingly gives up on her magazine and closes the material, tossing it onto the coffee table and offering her wife the attention she’s obviously seeking.

“It hasn’t been three years. She was seeing that Niylah chick last year a few times.” Raven reasons though she doesn’t seem as sure as she thinks about it now.

“I don’t know. She didn’t say anything about sex. Just dates since I think March three years ago.”

“What why?” Raven asks bewildered, mostly at the fact that Anya seems to know this information and she doesn’t. Her and Clarke aren’t closer than she is with her right?

“She told me last year when she was sad about Lexa taking another girl home that she doesn’t want to have sex with anyone except Lexa.” Anya shrugs and distracted herself with grabbing her wife’s hand and pulling it into her lap, playing with her fingers.

“Wait…” Raven tries to think if she can remember anything from that night but it was so long ago, a whole year and it wasn’t that important to her.

“She was falling asleep on our couch and you were drunk as shit.”

“Why the hell am I just hearing about this, like a year later?”

“That was New Year’s actually so more like a year and a few months.”

“You’re an asshole!” Raven snatches her hand back as if Anya’s touch is fire.

“Oh shut up. You didn’t tell me about Lexa practically admitting she was in love with Clarke to you until three months ago!” Anya protests.

“She didn’t admit it okay.” Raven’s arms wave out as she emphasizes her point.

“I said practically.”

“WAIT.” Anya jumps, hiking an eyebrow up as she looks at her wife who looks like she just learned all the secrets in the universe. “Lexa and Clarke are fucking.” Raven says it determinedly, the spark of knowledge almost ridding her of her annoyance.

“Okay whoa, that’s an assumption.” Anya says with a raise of an eyebrow, though she too has always believed they both would eventually wind up together, she’s a bit more skeptical than Raven is.

“You just said that Clarke said-”

“That doesn’t mean that it’s Lexa. I’m pretty sure she’s too chicken shit to do anything about it and-”

“When was the last time you had a long thorough conversation with Lexa.”

“That proves nothing; Lexa’s not a big talker.”

“She cancelled your pizza date on Saturday.”

“So.”

“SO Lexa only cancels on you when she’s feeling like shit, has she sounded depressed? I saw her buying a TV two days ago and she was fucking glowing. I thought she was just really excited about her new television.” Raven rushes a hand through her hair as she takes in her limited amount of fakes.

Anya still doesn’t look convinced. “Lexa cancels for lots of reasons.” Anya stops and racks her brain for anything else but the silence stretches as she comes up with nothing.

“No Lexa doesn’t. It’s totally Lexa!” Raven sounds too excited about this.

“You know what; let’s go to Lexa’s apartment and if she’s not there than I’ll agree with you.”

“Call her right now.” But before Anya can grab her cellphone off the coffee table Raven is already doing it, unlocking the device and dialing Lexa’s number.

Anya watches her and waits. Raven smirks. “Voicemail.”

“That doesn’t mean-”

“Hey Lexa it’s Raven, Anya has something really, really important to talk to you  about so call her back as soon as you get this okay, it’s really important. 911.”

“You can’t 911 this!”

“When she calls back get her to admit it.”

“I’m not going to-”

“If you do this I’ll take over the laundry for two weeks.” Raven holds up the amount of fingers to the number like Anya isn’t capable of knowing was “two” means and watches as her wife glares at her.

“A month.” She says sternly, knowing how much Raven hates doing laundry.

“Deal.”

 

***

 

“Hey, Raven said 911 are you okay?” Lexa asks with slight worry to her tone, gripping the counter tightly as she anticipates the worst.

“It’s nothing, not 911 she’s just being dramatic.” Anya’s voice is muffled and she can hear Raven muttering something in the background but can’t make out what she’s saying.

Lexa releases a breath at this information. “Oh, so it’s nothing than? Because I can’t talk long, Clarke and I are going to catch a movie.”

“Are you with Clarke now?” Anya asks like it’s suspicious.

It makes Lexa hesitate because she can’t already know right? How could she possibly already know? “Yeah she’s in the shower.”

“Have you been with Clarke… all week?” Fuck she knows.

Lexa stops and bites her bottom lip, looking behind her for any sign of the blonde in mention. “Yeah.” She admits and nearly flinches as she listens to Anya breathe on the other line.

How is it even possible for her to know this fast? “Lexa, are you and Clarke together?”

The brunette shakes her head even though she’s well aware her friend cannot see her. “No of course not.”

“Yes you are. You’ve been ditching me to fuck Griffin haven’t you.” Her tone is full of accusation.

“Hey, don’t talk like that.” She says instead of replying honestly, because maybe it’s true but she’s still not going to let it sound like that.

“How long?” Anya asks stubbornly.

“What?”

“How long? Did you tell her you love her?”

“Okay slow down. Okay… yes Clarke and I are… you know.” She waves her hand vaguely, even though she’s still aware Anya can’t see her.

“You can say having sex, it’s not going to kill you.” She can imagine Anya rolling her eyes.

“Okay yes, that’s what we’re doing but that’s all we’re doing.” Which is an utter lie but Anya’s not even supposed to know yet. She can’t tell Anya about all of her feelings, gush out her emotions over a hurried cellphone call. Especially when she’s planning on much better things.

“So you’re just having fun... with you best friend you’ve known since you were six years old?” Her tone is full of suspicion and of course it is… because of course Lexa isn’t doing that and would never do that, not with Clarke.

Clarke is different, special. She means something. “What are you getting at?”

“YOU know what I’m getting at Lexa, lock that shit down.” Lexa hears a thump in the background and she assumes it’s either Raven being Raven or Anya has actually thumped her hand down on the surface of something to emphasize whatever point she’s trying to make.

“She’s not a property I’m trying to buy.”

“No, but she’s a wife your trying to get.”

“Anya, no one said anything about marriage. We’re just having sex, that’s all.” Another lie, Lexa would marry Clarke a thousand times over. Sex would never be enough, no matter how great it is. But Anya isn’t the next person that needs to hear that yet.

“I really don’t believe you. You’ve been in love with this girl forever.”

“I’m not in love with her.” Lexa’s voice is too high when she says it, but Anya is not the first person she wants to tell that too. Abby already knows before Clarke and that’s as far as she’s taking it. The next person to know is going to be Clarke and she’s going to do it in a way that gives her no doubt about Lexa feelings for her, she owes her that much.

Anya will just have to wait to rub it in her face that she was right. “Hey Lexa, I can’t find my wallet.” She jumps at the sound of Clarke’s voice but immediately relaxes as she turns to see her, those pretty blue eyes bigger than normal and her hair still wet from her shower.

She’s beautiful and Lexa is so lucky to have her in her life. “Okay, I’ll help you look. I have to go.” She tells Anya, particularly uninterested in expanding this conversation and more interested in assisting Clarke.

“Right, go help your girlfriend look for her wallet.”

“Shut up.”

“This conversation is not over.”

“It is actually.” Lexa hung up before Anya could protest and made her way toward the bedroom where Clarke was throwing a pile of clothes to a different side of the room.

“Clarke,” The blonde stopped and looked at her, a crease to her brow that accompanies her thinking too hard about something. “You okay?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be okay?”

“You look a little upset.”

“No, I just can’t remember where I put my stupid wallet.”

“I think it’s in the kitchen actually.”

“The kitchen?”

“Yes, we came back from the restaurant and put the leftovers in the fridge and then you got distracted.”

“Right! Well… getting you out of that dress was priority one.”

“Wait Clarke.”

“Hmm?” Lexa meets the blonde eyes as her grip around her wrist tightens. She could say it now and she would still mean it as much as she’s going to with her grand gesture but she can’t squeeze the words out because it doesn’t feel like enough. Clarke needs special and uttering it under her breath before they go see a movie is not special enough. “You got something on your lip.”

Clarke moves to whip at her mouth but before she can Lexa kisses her brief and sweet and Clarke chuckles through it. “Me.” She mumbles against her mouth and when she pulls back Clarke is laughing and rolling her eyes.

“I can’t believe you, you’re an idiot.”

Chapter Text

April, 2017

 

She really should just talk to her. It would be that simple. She can just bring it up. “Hey Lexa, are we just messing around because I’m not down for that?” but of course she’s not going to do that. That would be too simple and she’s too scared of the answer to actually do it.

So instead she’s broodingly contemplating it as she stares out her gallery window. Of course this advancement in their relationship is already massive; perhaps Lexa needs to ease into the relationship idea because this is something delicate between the both of them. She can understand her being so scared of the change… Clarke’s a little scared of the change.

But those words are still echoing in her head “I’m not in love with her.” almost like it’s trying to haunt her. She knew things would be slow with Lexa, they always have been, but she wasn’t expecting her to say that… and to say it with such conviction. It did kind of hurt.

How can she still be waiting? After everything, how is she still possibly waiting? It’s not fair, it’s not fair that she feels that word in every bone in her body even when Lexa isn’t with her but Lexa can so easily deny the feeling all together. Doesn’t she feel it too? She has too; it wouldn’t feel like this if she didn’t. She has to feel it; Clarke doesn’t know what she’s going to do if she doesn’t… if all of this is happening and Lexa doesn’t even want her.

Lexa wouldn’t be with her like this if she didn’t want her right?

The answer is no, Lexa isn’t like that. She may not be perfect but she’d never do that to her, not to Clarke. She cares too much about her, does love her even if she isn’t in love with her. Clarke’s her best friend. So why would she do something that would really hurt her? That just wouldn’t make sense, just doesn’t sound like Lexa.

She really should just talk to her about it. Just see where she is emotionally, mentally. Maybe she needs more time but Clarke doesn’t know how much longer she can keep waiting, how long is too long? At some point you have to let go if it doesn’t make any sense anymore, and if Lexa isn’t in love with her, than this wouldn’t make sense anymore.

Lexa (4:44 P.M.): Ur coming home after work right?

Lexa (4:44 P.M.): It’s been 7hrs but I miss you

Normally a text like that would make her smile, especially now. Normally, if she hadn’t overheard that phone call, she’d be smiling so big it probably would look almost unnatural. Even now, her stomach flutters at the mere text. But the same elation she had come used to feeling at the anticipation of spending time with Lexa wasn’t there. Instead it was masked by dread… when would Lexa tell her that she doesn’t want her anymore?

When was enough, enough?

She didn’t reply right away, instead shoving the phone in her back pocket with the will to use the excuse that she had only been busy… of course she wasn’t busy. Not today. Today not one person had come into the gallery, today was simple. She was only watching over Lincoln and her other staff as they set up for the upcoming gallery event. The place wasn’t even open for costumers or viewers. Everyone was too busy.

Everyone but her. She pulled her phone back out.

Clarke (5:01 P.M.): I’ll be staying late :(

She didn’t need to stay late, but she didn’t want to go back to Lexa right now… even though she did. She always wanted to be with Lexa, but the thoughts in her head were on the tip of her tongue and she was too afraid to say them. Because than that would be it wouldn’t it? She already knows Lexa’s answer to all of her emotions.

“I just don’t feel that way Clarke.”

“You’re my best friend, but that’s it.”

“I think we should stop, I’m not in love with you.”

She huffs at the thoughts and shoves her phone back into her pocket even as it vibrates. It’s still Lexa and she’s still choosing to delay her answer, even though her fingers itch to pull the phone back out and reply. She’s almost bitter at the fact that it’s so hard to resist her, yet Lexa can so easily tell whoever she was on the phone with, Anya maybe, that she does not love her.

It used to be so easy for Clarke to say too. But she doesn’t think she could say it like that, not now. Not after everything. Not after touching her, not after being touched by her, not after all of this back and forth, all of this waiting and tug of war. All she ever wants to do is say it, so why is it that Lexa doesn’t seem to feel the same way?

How is it even possible to love someone so much but not have them return an ounce of that love? It’s not fair and yet, Clarke doesn’t love her with the idea that she’d reciprocate because love isn’t like that. Love is pretty as much as it hurts because Clarke loves her with no expectations, she always has. So Clarke could hurt and Lexa could never love her back but Clarke would still love her because that’s the way this works.

Maybe that’s what’s unfair about it.

Lexa (5:03 P.M.): I made your favorite for dinner

Clarke smiles slightly. Of course she did.

Clarke (5:04 P.M.): Will we even be eating when I get home?

Lexa (5:05 P.M.): I’ll definitely be eating ;)

Clarke rolls her eyes, a soft blush crossing her features, and types out a response. She glances up to see Lincoln directing a few people to hang the paintings in particular places and in a particular order.

She sighs, shoving her phone back in her pocket and stepping forward to grab his attention. “Hey Linc,”

“Yep?” He spins around to greet Clarke as she approaches him.

“I’m going to go home, do you mind supervising?” She asks gently with a small smile.

“Of course not, go ahead. See you tomorrow.” He grins charmingly at her and she returns it.

“Thanks see you tomorrow.” She waves at him and walks into her office to grab her bag before she’s sprinting for the door and exiting the gallery.

If her time with Lexa is so limited, if at any moment Lexa could tell her enough is enough, it’s probably not the brightest idea to try and make the most out of it. But Clarke heads home quickly with that intent, hell bent on spending as much time as she can get with Lexa like this.

 

***

 

“Lexa what the hell are we doing here?” Anya huffs. “I have ice cream in the car.” She’s been complaining since Lexa passed the exit to her house, but the brunette was determined to ignore the negative energy and focus on the task at hand. After all it was far more important than any of the groceries Anya bought. She would figure it out soon anyway and would definitely stop complaining then.

“So I came in here earlier and I need your opinion because I can’t decide.” Lexa pushes a hand through her hair to whip back the brown strands that fly into her face.

Anya looks around the small shop with her nose wrinkled, like she’s so much better than every expensive ring in the store. It would be funny if Lexa wasn’t starting to freak out. “On what, a ring?” Lexa chooses to ignore the sarcastic comment in her head, due to them being in a jewelry store, mostly rings, and instead just heads to one of her first choices. The least expensive one but Lexa didn’t care about the prices.

Anya huffs and follows her like being here physically pains her. It’s far too dramatic and Lexa is slowly becoming on edge, she could nearly snap but she’s preoccupied with the rings she’s still trying to decide between. “Do you like this one?” Lexa points to it behind the glass and Anya peeps over her shoulder to look at what she’s pointing at.

She stares at it a moment, completely silent and Lexa watches her anxiously, staring at her face as she seems to study the ring. She thinks she’s going to get a well thought out answer, but then Anya is shrugging and looking at her as if she’s bored. “It’s nice I guess.”

Lexa huffs, “You guess?”

Anya shrugs again and glances back down at it before she’s looking at Lexa again, barely giving the ring any attention. “I don’t know, it’s blue, I don’t really like blue.” Lexa rolls her eyes.

“It’s not for you.” Lexa snaps and studies the ring closely, examining the features the same way she had the first time she’d seen it. If Clarke was here she’d probably like it, she could see Clarke liking it.

Anya rolls her eyes. “Blue isn’t your color.” She deadpans and Lexa glares at her.

“It’s not for me either.” Her tone is agitated and Anya is the first to break their gaze. Shaking her head and staring at the ring more intently as she seems to pick up on Lexa’s mood.

“What are your other options; let’s get this done before my ice cream melts completely.” Lexa rolls her eyes again and wanders across the other side of the store. The most expensive one, this one set up in a display case away from the others.

“What about this one?” She asks, admiring it as it glitters up at her. She wants to buy this one already, but the price is steep… not that it matters what the price is, all that matters is if she will like it and she’d definitely like this one. It would look pretty on her too, Lexa can see it.

“I think that one is nearly the price of Clarke’s house.” Anya’s eyes bug out as she stares at it. Lexa would laugh if she was looking at her, but her gaze was far too focused on the bedazzling jewel to even notice the way Anya was nearly appalled at the price.

“Don’t worry about that part.” She mutters under her breath, the urge to ask the man behind the counter helping another young couple to pull it out for her was large. She could see it; she had the money, even if that was a lot of money to spend in one place. She had it. Why shouldn’t she spend it on something like this? This was important and she had to get it right.

“Like hell I won’t worry about it, I’m not going to let you buy that as some kind of useless gift that will get lost when it literally cost a whole damn down payment on a house.” Anya’s hand movements break Lexa out of her ring induced trance and she meets her friend’s bewildered gaze.

“It’s not a useless gift, what about this one?” Lexa moves past the singular display case to another display behind it. The one in this one isn’t as distracting as the really expensive one but it is still gorgeous and Lexa likes this one a lot too.

Anya lets out a dramatic sigh and follows her. “The price on that one isn’t much better, but it… is really pretty.” Anya says admiring it for a moment, seemingly forgetting about the need to complain.

Lexa smiles a bit as she stares at it. “What about the one next to it?” She mumbles quietly, knowing they’re getting closer to her having to tell Anya what she’s here for, since Anya didn’t seem to pick up on that yet. She didn’t want to do it this way but that’s just how things managed to unfold.

“Okay, Lexa you better tell me why the hell we’re looking at expensive ass rings right now or I’m not providing anymore opinions.” Her friend gives her a serious look and Lexa just turns toward her, facing her and stares at her, stares until she thinks it’ll click.

She doesn’t want to say it; Clarke is supposed to be the one to actually hear her say it next. She didn’t want Anya to know at all, so this is the best she can do.

They stand there silently for about a minute, just staring. But Lexa can see the exact moment it clicks in Anya’s head. “No fucking way.” She’s grinning now. “You’re going to ask Clarke to marry you, you asshole!” Anya hits her arm and Lexa flinches back, though the touch was light. A smile on her face accompanying the small blush that grows on her cheeks.

“Yeah.” Lexa looks away shyly, back down at the rings in the display below.

“You fucking jackass, you lied to me than.” Anya sounds offended but her tone is masked by pure happiness which makes Lexa feel really good. She knows this decision is the right one, even if it scares the shit out of her.

“I wasn’t going to tell you until I told her first but,” Lexa brushes both her hands through her hair before she looks at Anya again, the stress visible on her face. “I can’t decide on a ring and I’m so scared.” She admits under her breath and Anya’s smile turns sympathetic.

“Oh Lexa,” Anya isn’t normally a touchy feely person, but this time she pulls Lexa into a tight suffocating hug. “I’m so happy for you.” She says a bit too emotionally in Lexa ear and the brunette feels her eyes water as she hugs Anya back.

“I wasn’t going to do it right away but I want her to know how I feel.” Lexa mumbles as Anya pulls back from the hug. “I don’t think she does, and I haven’t been… the best at really showing it.” She blinks a few times to try and urge the tears behind her eyes away. Too much emotion in one day, too much that she needs to save for her best friend.

“She’s going to say yes Lex,” Anya’s tone is so soft now and reassuring and her eyes are bright and a little watery as well. She’s known about Lexa’s feelings for a long time now so it’s not surprising that she would get emotional over this. She’s always wanted to see Lexa happy and Clarke makes her so, so happy.

“I hope so.” Lexa sniffs and wiped away the one tear that slipped from her eyes with the back of her hand. “I don’t know what I’d do if she says no.” She mumbles honestly, the fear of that happening already flashing through her mind to accompany the ones next to buying the right ring. What if she buys the wrong one and Clarke hates it?

“She won’t.” Anya is smiling a bit gentler now. “Let’s look at all these rings again than. But it’s still a no to this one.” Anya says as she points to the separate display case with the really expensive ring in it.

“But it’s so nice, I have money.” Lexa whines a bit, staring at it admiringly and imagining Clarke’s face as she gives it to her. Clarke would never hate that ring, how could Clarke say no to that ring? Lexa can barely say no to that ring.

In the end the ring isn’t going to matter so much as what Clarke feels. She wants her to say yes because she wants to say yes. A nice ring is just a bonus. “You’re not going to have money if you spend it like that Lexa.” Anya huffs. “And no to the blue one, I know it looks nice on Clarke but no.” She shakes her head, wrinkling up her nose like the blue one was no better than the dirt under her shoe.

This time Lexa really does laugh. “So these two?” Lexa looks down at both of them, traveling between each. These two are nearly the same with minor differences. They’re both pretty and Clarke would love either one but there’s really not much of a difference in their prices.

“I’m thinking this one.” Anya points to the first one that Lexa pointed out when they made it over here and Lexa stares at it for a while, tries to imagine Clarke with it on her finger, tries to imagine Clarke’s face when she sees it.

She just needs this to go really right. “Can I help you both?” The man that had been helping the other young couple has appeared in front of them just as the other couple is leaving. He’s got a forced on customer service smile on his face but Lexa barely notices it while she stares at the ring Anya had suggested. Her mind fogged over with what she’s going to say, how she’s going to say it, where it’s going to be, what Clarke’s reactions are going to be. That ranges anywhere from an emotional mess to a dead cold “no Lexa, this is too fast.” And that answer would just be terrible.

Clarke wouldn’t say no to hurt her, wouldn’t refuse to see her afterwards, because that just wasn’t Clarke. Their friendship was still a huge factor in their relationship. It came before any of this love stuff. They have so much history and baggage that this isn’t a light decision.

“Yes my friend here is trying to propose to her girlfriend and we want to see this one a bit closer.” Anya taps over the ring and Lexa watches the man reach in and pull it out. He describes it and talks it up, most likely because it’s one of their higher priced rings and he’s obviously trying to sell it.

They look at it for a little while before Lexa finally says she’s going to buy it and they leave with Lexa protecting it close in both her hands so Anya has to open the door for her. Anya doesn’t complain though, only for this once, because Lexa is about to do something massive and she needs all the support she can get.

 

***

 

May, 2017

 

“What is it you wanted to talk about?” Raven asks as they take a seat at the dining room table. Raven had opted to make Lunch and Clarke decided not to protest, having not eaten since that morning and Lexa left early so it was only cereal.

She lets out a slow sigh, not believing that she’s actually coming to Raven about this but whom better than a happily married woman to ask about love? “I need advice.”

“On?” Raven asks gently as she cuts into her food.

“Lexa.” She deadpans, not looking up from her own food even though she can see Raven looking at her from her peripheral vision.

“Why would you need advice about Lexa?” Raven asks though she clearly knows the answer, a confident smirk already settling along her features as Clarke rolls her eyes.

“Shut up, you clearly know why.” She snaps and takes a bite out of the peas Raven had cooked. She wrinkles up her nose at the taste, never having been a very big fan of peas and forces the bite down her throat.

“No I don’t, please use your words and tell me Clarke.” Raven’s tone is exaggeratingly sweet; her eyelashes fluttering innocently like she has no idea what Clarke would ever possibly need advice on when it comes to Lexa.

The blonde rolls her eyes but humors her friend anyways. “Lexa and I are kind of seeing each other.” She admits out loud, her stomach fluttering at the voiced statement. Lexa is kind of her girlfriend, maybe her girlfriend? She doesn’t now, they haven’t exactly talked about labels and with what she had overheard Lexa say she isn’t sure Lexa even wants that kind of label.

“Kind of? That’s what you call barely talking to me so you can have sex these days?” Raven teases and Clarke huffs, looking up at the brunette to glare at her properly.

“Shut up, I talk to you plenty, maybe too much.” She pushes her food back away from her, not really in the mood for what Raven has cooked up. On top of that Lexa had reservations for her their favorite restaurant and had asked her not to eat too much.

“I suppose you slammed the door in my face just because you felt like it?” Raven’s eyebrows wiggle but Clarke can’t find it amusing. She’s only dreading this conversation and the more Raven is light hearted about everything makes it seem so much harder.

Clarke frowns. “Okay but you interrupted us.” She mumbles not happy about giving Raven any points.

“What do you need advice about? I suppose you’re asking me because I have a wife?” Raven teases further, her confident smirk growing. She’d be amusing if Clarke didn’t find her so annoying at this very moment.

“I’m asking you because you’re my best friend dick.” She throws a pea at her and Raven dodges it.

“I thought Lexa was your best friend.” She teases further.

“I’m done with you, never mind.” Clarke slumps back in her chair, her arms crossing along her chest as a pout surfaces on her face.

Raven chuckles. “Okay, okay I’m sorry, what’s up?” She sounds sincere this time, even while she’s shoveling food into her mouth.

Clarke lets out a heavy sigh and adjusts in her seat, sitting up and looking back down at her food because looking at Raven while she says this feels like it might be too hard. “So Lexa and I… we’ve been, you know, since Valentine’s day. She came back and just kissed me at my door, but I overheard a call she had with Anya I think a few months ago and she said…” Clarke lets out a brief sigh and looks up at Raven. “She said we’re just messing around and that she’s not in love with me.” Clarke’s voice breaks on it; she looks away again as she sees Raven processing this information.

“Huh, that’s weird.” The brunette seems to contemplate.

Clarke shrugs. “I know I should just ask her but I’m afraid of the answer and of messing up what’s happening right now.” She mumbles softly, leaning over her food again to push around the peas on her plate… she really doesn’t like peas.

“She’s lying, there’s no way she’s not. Maybe she’s just nervous and scared. Just tell her you know no pressure that this is fun and not serious and let her ease into it a little. Lexa gets really nervous about this kind of stuff right? And she’s not much of the dating type so maybe she just needs some time.” Raven bites into a mouth full of food after she’s done with giving her view and opinion on the situation and studies Clarke across from her as she seems to listen to what she’s saying.

“Right. Time.” Clarke mutters, that word becoming bitter the longer she hears it, thinks of it, has to give it. She’s tired of time, of giving Lexa all the time in the world and not receiving any explanations. She can handle Lexa not being in love with her… even though that thought makes her want to throw up, she can handle it. But Lexa messing around with her… she doesn’t know if she can play that part. It just wouldn’t be right. Things not being fair is one thing, love never is, but this is a whole different ball game.

“Relax Griff, she probably didn’t mean it, maybe she hasn’t admitted it to herself yet? Give her some more time and just enjoy what you have.” Raven reasons and Clarke releases a heavy sigh where she sits.

She nods her head. “Okay.” She mumbles in defeat, the thought leaving her heavy and unsatisfied. It’s not the answer she wanted but she didn’t ask for advice to hear what she wants. She thought giving Lexa more time was the wrong answer at this point. How much more time can one person need? If by now Lexa doesn’t realize she is in love with her, maybe Lexa just isn’t and there’s really no point in pursuing this.

Or maybe Raven is right and she just needs more time because Lexa is so careful and unsure about these feelings. Either way she has to bite her tongue and she’s not exactly looking forward to that. But what’s a little while longer of not saying how she truly feels?

 

***

 

“Clarke,” Lexa sighs happily and presses Clarke against her door to shut it completely, making Clarke giggle out loud slightly.

Clarke’s hand is on her cheek, thumb brushing against her cheekbone in the next few seconds. “Hey babe.” She mumbles softly, eyes seeming to take in her features slowly.

“You smell like chicken, I told you not to eat.” Lexa pouts, bottom lip jutting out. She watches Clarke watch her mouth and her stomach flips pleasantly, the urge to lean forward and just kiss her instead of talking anymore is strong, but she forces it back. She had assumed that this need would eventually wear off, but she can barely get enough of Clarke. Perhaps she should have predicted that.

“I didn’t eat very much. Raven made chicken and peas and I,”

“Don’t really like peas.” Lexa finishes for her and Clarke smiles widely. Lexa stares at her smile for a few minutes, adoring the way it lights up her face. “Our reservation isn’t for another two hours.” Lexa wiggles her eyebrows and Clarke laughs, though the noise is cut short when Lexa kisses her. Not rushed or heated but more sweet, soft and simple and enough to trigger that normal spark in the air that always surfaces between them whenever they are together.

When she pulls back she notices Clarke is looking at her in a certain way. A way she hasn’t before and Lexa wonders what it means. “This is fun.” Clarke mumbles. Her voice heavy with something that Lexa can’t read and she wonders what she’s trying to say.

Lexa raises her eyebrow. “Fun?” She doesn’t like the way the word sounds coming out of Clarke’s mouth. Fun, isn’t exactly the right word for what is going on between them, at least Lexa doesn’t think so. It doesn’t fit at all.

“Yeah, you and I like this.” Clarke starts unbuttoning Lexa’s top. “Messing around.” She doesn’t like that at all either.

Her frown is on her face before she can stop it. “Messing… Clarke-”

“It’s easy because we don’t have to be serious, we can just have fun.” Lexa backs up from Clarke at the information. She’s studying her expression, taking in her words and trying to make sense of them. That wasn’t what she was expecting, and certainly wasn’t what she thought Clarke would want. Not only does it make her heart sink into her stomach, it also completely destroys her plans for the evening.

“Nothing… serious?” Lexa seems to ask, her heart racing for different reasons other than Clarke’s proximity and her fingers brushing the skin of her chest as she unbuttons her shirt.

“Yeah.” Clarke’s looking at her curiously, watching the crease of her eyebrow as the brunette processes everything she’s just said.

This is definitely serious… does Clarke not want serious? “So you’re having fun?” Lexa asks carefully, the flash of the ring she had bought and had intentions of proposing with, in a few hours blinks through her mind.

“Yes, aren’t you?” Lexa’s blood runs cold and she hesitates because no she isn’t. She wants to say that, to tell Clarke that it took her so long to get here because she never wanted it to be “just fun”. That she kissed her at her front door with every intention of making this relationship mean so much more than that.

She wants to say no. “Yes.” She doesn’t have the guts.

“So,” Clarke gestures towards herself. “We have two hours to kill.” She wiggles her eyebrows and Lexa is still frowning.

She doesn’t move fast.

She’s slow. Leaning in and pressing her mouth against Clarke’s gently. That’s how she wants it to be because she wants her to feel it. Everything she is always feeling, she wants her to feel it too. She thought she already did.

Why would she wait just to have fun?

She wouldn’t. There’s something wrong and she doesn’t want to tell Lexa what it is. So she presses Clarke into the front door and she kisses her like the world is ending. Hand in her hair, Clarke’s balling into the half unbuttoned shirt.

She moves her hands from Clarke’s hair to her waist and then she lifts Clarke against the door and the blonde lets her and she deepens her kisses, swallowing Clarke’s moans as she digs her nails into Clarke’s thighs and brushes her tongue into her mouth. She tastes her and breathes her in and splits from her mouth to leaves marks in her skin like Clarke is hers to claim and Clarke doesn’t stop her.

Clarke lets her, breaths uneven and soft sounds escaping her every time Lexa pays more attention to those spots she’s learned over the course of time they’ve been doing this. She slips to her knees and Clarke sighs as she tugs her underwear down from her dress, tossing that somewhere over her shoulder.

She takes in her scent, sucks marks into her inner thighs, listens to Clarke moans, licks through her center and lets her taste explode on her tongue. She holds her back against the door as her hips push forward into her mouth. Her tongue circles a stiff bundle of nerves, sensitive and having Clarke call out, wetness already smearing down Lexa’s chin.

She wants Clarke to feel this emotion that suffocates her. Pour every ounce of love she has into making her feel good. Fuck the reservation they have for the restaurant, fuck the plans she made. She needs a new course of action now. Of course she can’t fuck Clarke into being honest but she can make love to her, can make her dinner instead, can buy her nice things and whisper sweet things in her ear as she falls asleep. She can wake her up to the kisses on her cheek, on her mouth. She can do everything in her power to show Clarke that she is in love with her, that this is more than just fun for her.

That’s her responsibility, after all of this time, that’s her duty and her desire. She not only owes this to Clarke but wants this. She’ll take things slow if she has too but she’s ready for this, and she’s going to be the best she can be for Clarke and nothing less.

 

***

 

June, 2017

 

“Lexa what do you mean you aren’t going to do it?” Raven looked up from her phone she had been scrolling through and studies her wife as she paces in front of her. “That doesn’t make any sense, are you sure she-” Anya stops pacing and listens to whatever Lexa is saying in her ear. “Okay, calm down you need to tell her that you don’t agree with that, you bought a five thousand dollar ring for crying out loud.” Anya’s hand swings out to her side as if to emphasis how massive of a decision that was, even though Lexa can’t see her.

“She bought a what!?” Raven interjects but Anya only glances at her, still focused on Lexa.

“No Lexa, please don’t do this. I know your scared but-”

“Anya what’s happening?” Raven sets her phone aside and sits up on the couch, pulling her leg from where she had it resting up on the couch and setting it on the floor to move to stand up.

Anya just holds her finger up to Raven to emphasis that she’ll answer her questions in a moment. “Lexa don’t give up, that’s your give up tone.” Anya shakes her head. “Lex,” Anya sighs. “Okay. Alright, please call me later. Okay, bye.” Raven stands just as Anya ends the phone call and pushes her phone back into her pocket.

“What’s wrong with Lexa?” Raven asks with creasing eyebrows. Her curiosity peaked to the max.

“She was going to propose to Clarke but Clarke for some reason-” Anya breaks off from her sentence, looking at Raven so confused. “Of all the people I thought to say something like that, it wasn’t Clarke.”

“What did Clarke say?”

Anya looks incredibly stressed out. “They’re just having fun? Since when does Clarke “just have fun?”” Anya air quotes and Raven studies her wife a moment.

She looks down sheepishly. “That might be my fault.” She tone is mumbled as her fingers move to intertwine with each other and fiddle together like she’s a little kid in trouble.

“How is it your fault?” Anya asks carefully.

Raven doesn’t look up at her. “I told her to give Lexa more time and to not pressure her.”

Anya doesn’t say anything for a moment and when Raven looks up to see what she’s thinking she seems to be trying to make sense of her words. “What… why?”

“Because Clarke heard Lexa tell you she wasn’t in love and Clarke was so stressed out and I thought Lexa was just scared… I didn’t know she bought a fucking ring.” Raven threw her own hands apart, as her voice went higher slightly. If she had known Lexa was going to propose, she would have told Clarke something else.

“I have no idea why I’m married to you, I want a divorce.” Anya expresses dramatically, rolling her eyes as she brushes a hand through her hair.

“We can still fix this.” Raven says determinedly.

“How?”

“We just have to convince Lexa to do it anyway. Clarke will be surprised and so happy and she’ll say yes.” Raven predicts, plan set up in her mind.

“Lexa’s not going to do it if she thinks Clarke doesn’t want her in a serious context.”

“We just have to convince her to do it anyway, and get her to believe that Clarke was lying because she was.”

“We tell her what you did then?”

“Hell no, I don’t need the Lexa wrath, that lasted for two years last time she was mad at me.”

“Did not last for two years.”

“Did too.”

“If we don’t tell her what you did how is she supposed to know that Clarke is lying?”

“Convince her the same way I convinced Clarke to say that bull-crap to Lexa.”

“This better work or we really are getting a divorce.”

 

***

 

Lexa frowns as Raven mentions for the third time what being married to Anya is like. They haven’t been this inclusively gross since they first started dating and she’s half thinking of calling Clarke for a rescue. Not that she needs a rescue as an excuse to call Clarke. She’d really rather be with Clarke right now, she knows Clarke is at her apartment, painting and she’s probably getting it in her hair and she look so good with paint all over her. The thought alone is enough to make her almost turn around and walk out of the mall.

“If you don’t stop with this, married life is so great, crap I’m going to throw up.” Lexa says dramatically, taking a seat at a table in the middle of the food court that seems to be more secluded from the rush of the rest of the crowd.

“What’s wrong with it?” Raven asks her, eyebrow rising like she’s testing her on something and Lexa has no idea what.

“It’s annoying, cool it.” She pulls the tray of food Anya had set down in the middle of the table more towards her to find her lunch, focus suddenly on eating rather than on Anya and Raven’s obnoxious behavior.

“Lex,” She doesn’t look up as she finds her fries. “We just think that you should ask Clarke.” Raven says gently, like Lexa is a bomb bound to explode at any moment if she doesn’t treat it with care.

She frowns. “What?” She doesn’t look up though.

“Ask her anyways.” Raven insists with a soft look in her eyes that Lexa is ignoring.

Lexa though, is completely uncomfortable with the turn this conversation has taken. “You told her Anya, really?” She snaps looking up at her friend who frowns at her.

“What she’s my wife!?” Anya reasons and leaves Lexa to only huff down at her food.

Lexa rolls her eyes and ignores them as she finds her burger. “I’m not proposing right now, I plan to at some point but Clarke isn’t in the same place as me, I don’t know where she is because she won’t talk to me about it. I have the ring, it’s safe and it’ll be there when she’s ready.” She’s taking things slow, as slow as Clarke needs. She has to do this right, absolutely right.

“No Lexa.” Raven shakes her head. “She is ready, ask her.”

“She isn’t, you did tell her everything right Anya?” Lexa glares at her friend, still unhappy to be having this conversation at all. She doesn’t really like to think about this situation, as it slightly upsets her even if that’s irrational. Clarke has waited for her so she can wait for Clarke, there’s no need to rush. Whatever is bothering Clarke she will eventually tell her and then they can work it out, but right now that just doesn’t seem to be the place they’re in. She thought it would be and it’s probably her fault their not. She doesn’t need to be pestered; she needs to focus on her plan.

“I agree with her, she’s ready. Set it up like you had originally planned, ask her.” Lexa frowns and sets her burger down, unhappy that she’s suddenly lost her appetite. She had been looking forward to lunch since they left; letting Anya and Raven drag her into every store they wanted before finally complaining that she was hungry.

She wants to propose to Clarke. She wouldn’t have bought the ring if she didn’t, but life seemingly got in the way. Clarke would say no if she proposed now, she’s sure of it. So she has to go about this delicately. “Saying “this is just for fun, nothing serious” does not equate to “I love you Lexa, ask me to marry you.”

“She didn’t mean that.” Raven lets her hands fall down on the table and it creates sort of a loud thud that makes Lexa jump slightly.

“Why would she say it if she didn’t mean it?” Lexa asks, wondering if Raven knows something that maybe she doesn’t at this point. She could use the help figuring out what’s wrong so she can actually propose to Clarke and advance things forward a little faster. Though she can go as slow as Clarke might need. Taking her time is something they’ve always done and if Clarke needs that, she’s more than willing to stash the ring away for much later.

She just needs Clarke to talk to her.

“Because I told her too.” Lexa stops eating her fries all together and looks up from her food at a sheepish Raven.

“What?” Lexa asks slowly, not quite understanding what Raven means. She isn’t sure she wants to exactly know how that had come about.

Now it’s Raven avoiding eye contact. “I gave her bad advice, just ask her okay.”

“I don’t know,” Lexa sighs, still unsure and not knowing the answer to Clarke’s problems.

“Lexa-”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” She states finally and focuses in on her food again. She eats as much as she can and tries not to think about the current problem that involves Clarke’s emotions. She had already made a decision on how to handle the situation. Proposing didn’t seem like a good plan right now, not with whatever was on Clarke mind, holding her back. Maybe Clarke herself just wasn’t ready, maybe they had moved too fast after taking so much time, after making her wait so long.

If Clarke would just talk to her… but she won’t. She never has quite in this way. Normally to get Clarke to talk about something deeply bothering her they end up in a fight first, and Lexa was bound and determined not to let that happen. So slow and steady, that was just how it was going to be and Anya and Raven had to accept that.

Even if Lexa’s hand was itching to grab the box on the shelf in her closet and just shove it into Clarke’s hands, along with every last version of “I love you” she can squeeze out of her lips.

 

***

 

July, 2017

 

“Ugh,” Clarke grunts as she tosses her phone on the coffee table.

“What?” Raven asks as the blonde brushes a hand through her blonde hair and stares up at her friend’s ceiling, head moving with the motions of the ceiling fan.

“I’m so in love.” Clarke groans and turns around on the couch to hide into the pillow, like that can save her from this deep all-consuming feeling that was eating her alive. There really was nothing she could do about, can do about. It was practically wired into her genetic code at this point, she was stuck in love and there was no getting out of it. Not that she would want to if she could; being in love with Lexa was pure. It was everything else that wasn’t quite that way.

Raven laughs. “Maybe you should tell her that.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Clarke mumbles into the pillow.

“What?” Raven asks, not having been able to hear her while she was hiding in a couch cushion.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. You know how she is. I don’t think it’s the right time.” Clarke stresses, wishing more than anything that she could just go home, climb into Lexa’s lap and kiss her and tell her how in love she is with her and how happy she is to be with her in any way that Lexa is willing to be with her. But she’s not sure that’s something Lexa wants to hear and that just makes her sad.

She pushes the thought back. “You’re right, you should go more extreme, propose to her.” Raven wiggles her eyebrows up and down at her friend and Clarke finds herself laughing before she can stop it.

“Whoa, calm down.” She snorts though her friend doesn’t seem to be laughing.

“What? She’s in love with you; you’re in love with her. What’s left to do? You’ve been practically married since high school anyway.” Raven shrugs her shoulders and looks down at her phone briefly as if waiting on an incoming message, probably from Anya.

“Okay, what happened to “play it cool, like it’s no big deal, she’ll come around” why are you suddenly encouraging ten steps ahead?” Clarke exaggerates; the idea of marrying Lexa always flips her stomach pleasantly. She can’t lie. It’s a good thought. But proposing now? That would be way too fast for Lexa, she’d freak the fuck out.

Fuck, Clarke is freaking the fuck out at the mere thought of it. Marriage has to be too fast when they’ve only ever done anything slowly. “It’s not ten steps, you should propose. I was wrong.” Raven looks at her with sincerity and Clarke can’t believe what she’s hearing, it doesn’t even make sense.

“I don’t think so, that’s kind of crazy, especially after what I told her.” Clarke huffs and sits up along the couch. She has to be going soon, having only come by to waste time until Lexa comes home from work. It was Clarke’s turn to cook dinner and she had gotten all the ingredients for one of Lexa’s favorite meals. Not many things made Lexa as happy as food did.

“Come on Clarke, it’s not that crazy.” Raven insists. She stands as well as Clarke grabs her purse off the coffee table.

“It’s pretty crazy.” She tells her with wide eyes walking for the door as Raven follows her.

“I don’t know, I just think you should try.” Raven shrugs and Clarke rolls her eyes as she exits her friend’s house.

“Yeah okay.” She says it like she’s unconvinced and sets about walking back toward Lexa’s apartment. It’s a bit of a ways away but she doesn’t mind the time it takes. Gives her time to think. Though her thoughts are mostly on what Raven had decided to put in her head.

It’s crazy, it has to be crazy. She shouldn’t be even thinking of it at all as she walks her way back to Lexa’s apartment.

 

 

Lexa is already there when she gets back. Unlocking the door and pushing it open. The apartment smells good, like food. She frowns briefly because she had, had plans to cook but she waited too long before walking home. Her frown turns into a smile however as she walks down the hallway toward the kitchen. “Hey Lex,” Clarke greets as she enters the kitchen, a big smile surfacing across the brunette’s face at the sound of her name, she looks up at her with twinkling eyes.

“Hey babe.”  She backs away from the stove to kiss Clarke’s mouth and the blonde sighs into it. There’s a certain feeling that accompanies all of Lexa’s kisses. She would have never expected it really. She isn’t even sure she can properly describe it either. Lexa is warmth and safety and maybe a bit of light even in her darkness. Clarke isn’t sure there’s one word specifically that describes the way Lexa’s kisses feel. If there was, she’d probably tattoo it on her skin.

“Cooking for two I hope,” She teases lightly, instead of complaining about not being able to cook Lexa the meal she had specifically bought ingredients for today. She’ll surprise her with it tomorrow, it’s no big deal. Lexa likes cooking after a stressful day at work.

“Of course.” Lexa grins, kisses her again and then parts from her somewhat begrudgingly to attend to the food on the stove she was heating.

Clarke watches her as she leans against the fridge, admiring her side profile. If she did propose to her… would that really be such a bad thing? The worst Lexa would say to her is “no” which would hurt. The worst Lexa would do is put an end to what they have become, which would break her heart. But Lexa would never truly leave her, and what’s the best way to tell someone you love them besides getting on one knee and popping out a ring? Probably lots of other ways, like buying a star or a bouquet of flowers or something similar.

God it’s a crazy thought, but for some reason, the thought now put in her head, won’t leave.

 

***

 

“I bought something.” Clarke says after Lexa leaves the room. She glances behind her anyways like Lexa can easily walk back in at any moment, even though she knows Anya will have her preoccupied with the setup of whatever made up birthday plans she’s going to tell her about for the time being.

“What?” Raven raises an eyebrow at her, arched perfectly. It’s easy to see how curious she is about it. Honestly, the way Clarke has said it; there really is no other reaction.

“Just…” Clarke sighs and glances behind her again. She pulls her purse close to her and pulls the zipper open, grabbing out a small square box.

“No fucking way!” Raven says far too loudly.

Clarke’s head shoots up with a glare. “Shut up!” She snaps glancing behind her as if Lexa could hear through layers of walls.

“Sorry.” Raven mumbles sheepishly.

“I got it two days ago.” Clarke admits carefully pulling the lid of the box open and handing it over to Raven.

“Holy shit, this is gorgeous.”

“And it costs about as much as the down payment on this house.” She blows out a breath of air, but she can’t honestly feel any remorse for the lost money when she looks at the ring. It’s one Lexa wouldn’t be able to take her eyes off of, and maybe the fact that is so pretty will help ease the blow if Lexa says no, if she decides to actually do it any time soon that is.

“How did you afford that?” Raven asks astonished.

“I don’t know.” Clarke snorts, feeling a protective wave come over her as Raven leans in closer to look at the small expensive circular object.

“I wasn’t expecting you to buy a ring, let alone something like this, Jesus Christ. You and Lexa really do go all out for each other.”

“What do you mean?” Raven glances up at her but immediately looks back down at the ring. She closes the box carefully.

“I just mean, you and Lexa always buy each other things that can be so expensive.” She hands it over and Clarke takes it back from her carefully, still protective of it as she cherishes it quietly, slipping it back into her purse and zipping it shut like it’s an iron door and a vault all in one.

“I honestly don’t know when I’m going to use it. Probably when she’s ready but I…” Clarke shrugs. “I just ended up with it.” She admits shyly, not telling Raven that she had managed to look up directions to one specific ring shop and spent two hours browsing the contents of the store. She had gone in convinced she’d only look, get ideas for the future maybe. But she saw this ring, up in its own display and she had to have it for Lexa. She couldn’t leave without it and here they were.

“You should do it on her birthday!” Raven says too excitedly, voice carrying loudly through the room.

Clarke is glaring again. “Would you be quiet she’s outside!”

“Oh relax,” Raven huffs. “You should set it up, make it all fancy because Lexa likes that.”

“No way, I can’t do it right now.” Clarke says with a loud puff leaving her chest.

“Come on, you bought the ring.” Raven exaggerates, looking at her like she’s the crazy one in this scenario.

“Yeah but buying the ring and actually proposing are two completely different things Raven.” Clarke exaggerates, brushing a hand through blonde hair. “I really don’t think I should yet, I don’t think she’s ready.” She admits honestly, her heart picking up in pace as she tries to imagine the disaster the evening could become, and on her birthday would be worse.

Buying the ring is one thing but performing the whole action, she doesn’t know if she’s ready for that. “Are you sure it’s her that’s not ready?”

Clarke rolls her eyes. “I’m absolutely ready, I’ve been waiting for her remember?”

Raven shrugs. “I think she’s ready.”

“No offence, but you don’t know Lexa as well as I do.” Clarke snorts.

“Please, you’re not going to do it because you’re scared.” Raven reads, like Clarke is a wide open book and there’s no key to shutting the door to her contents.

She rolls her eyes again. “Of course I’m scared, marriage, that’s a big step. We just started… sort of dating.” She frowns as she tries to find the right label but yet again, there isn’t one because she and Lexa haven’t really talked about it. The only thing they have is “this is fun” stapled to the outside of the relationship when it is in fact, so much more than just “fun”.

“Yes but with you and Lexa, you’ve kind of been doing things so much longer than that. Like you’ve been dating for years. I mean, if you aren’t ready okay Clarke that’s fine. I’m just saying, don’t not do it because you’re scared of what she’s going to say. She loves you just as much as you love her.”

Clarke shakes her head. “I think it’s impossible for someone to love someone else as much as I love her.” She whispers it, unsure if she could ever say that any louder. It’s a thought being said out loud she’s kept inside and in her head for so long that it almost feels like another language is coming from her when she does say it.

Raven smiles. “Just think about doing it then? You clearly already have been. You wouldn’t have bought the ring if you didn’t kind of want to.” Raven smiles at her softly, a soft supportive hand squeezing her upper arm before dropping off.

“Yeah, okay.” She shrugs with a soft sigh.

“Are we catching the play or what?” Anya says with a playful snap, popping her head around the corner to look at Clarke and Raven.

“Yeah we’re coming.” They say in unison.

“Lexa’s waiting in the car, I told her I’d drive so she’s in the back so she can sit next to you.” Anya rolled her eyes but Clarke could only smile.

She makes her way out of the house, climbing into the back with Lexa and is greeted by her small smile. Clarke leans over and presses a gentle kiss against her cheek, her hand reaching for Lexa’s to hold, their fingers intertwining and she squeezes a moment, a safe warm feeling coming over her at the press of Lexa’s hand.

“Hi.” Lexa mumbles quietly, like the moment calls for it. Maybe it does, because this moment is theirs. Anya and Raven lingering as they seem to be in conversation making their way to the car.

“I’m moving to the middle, I want to sit closer.” Clarke admits, unbuckling and sliding over so she’s in the middle, pulling Lexa’s hand into her lap as her side presses against Lexa’s comfortably. A safe warmth washing over her.

“Clarke,”

“Hmm,” Clarke looks up and Lexa’s reaches up into her hair, pushing back the strands behind her ear until her hand moves around the back of her neck and pulls her forward so Lexa’s mouth lands on Clarke’s gently. The kiss soft and sweet and full of something Clarke is completely in love with.

She hums slightly, hand squeezing Lexa’s as she manages to deepen it briefly, though Lexa is pulling back at the brush of Clarke’s tongue against her lower lip. Eyes slowly fluttering open as if she’s trying to remember where they are. “I like this lip-gloss.” Lexa seems to say thoughtfully, licking her lips so Clarke’s eyes attach to her mouth. “Tastes so good on you.” She mumbles heavily and then leans back in and kisses her deeper, swallowing the soft moan Clarke makes as her tongue brushes against her lips and slips inside of her mouth.

Clarke pushes her back. “Stop or I’m not going to survive this play.” She mumbles against Lexa’s mouth, pulling back enough so she can meet Lexa’s eyes again.

The green in them is becoming hard to see. “Right, play.” Lexa says like she forgot. Not long after she says that, and Clarke’s ready to attack her mouth again, is the driver side and passenger door open so that Raven and Anya can climb in.

Lexa and Clarke only part slowly, somehow aware that both Anya and Raven at least know about them, but still acting a bit like they don’t.

 

***

 

“Oh my god.” Clarke grumbles, too many people waltzed in and out of Clarke’s house. Normally she liked parties, especially hosting them. But today had not been a party day. Today had been propose to Lexa day and all of this just makes that a mess.

She’s lost Lexa in the crowd, though she’s sure she’s been dragged somewhere. But when she finds her and finds that Luna is next to her, that just won’t stand and she waltzes across the space, without greeting her, grabs Lexa’s face and kisses her, hard, in front of everyone. She probably shouldn’t be doing that but Lexa is kissing her back and maybe it’ll make Luna back off a little bit.

“Hi,” Lexa sighs against her mouth as Clarke parts from her.

“Borrow you for a second?” The blonde mumbles, pulling back enough to breathe.

“Anytime.” Lexa doesn’t even say goodbye to Luna, who’s only glaring at them. Clarke drags Lexa up the stair case to the spare bedroom she has… the nice sheets, the walls that hold their feelings, even their first kiss.

She opens it but Lexa closes the door for her and glances at her face when Clarke turns around. She switches on a light but frowns at her setting. She could do it here, fast and simple and maybe not fancy but just as meaningfully, this room no longer is just a spare room anymore.

“Something you wanted to talk about?” Lexa asks with her head cutely tipped to the right, eyes glancing around Clarke’s face and sometimes dipping lower, taking her in.

She likes it when Lexa looks at her like that. “I did.” Clarke steps forward into Lexa’s space, cups Lexa’s face in her hand. “But I just want to kiss you first.” She mumbles before she leans forward and captures Lexa’s mouth in a soft kiss. Lexa’s hands wrap around her waist and pull her close, deepening the kiss. “Happy birthday.”

“Said that twenty six times today.” Lexa mumbles against her lips.

“And I could say it twenty six more.” She whispers honestly.

Lexa smiles as Clarke’s hands slip into her hair. “Can we dance?”

Clarke smirks almost amused. “You want to dance with me? No music?”

“There’s music downstairs, you can hear it. Slow song even.” Her arms tighten around Clarke’s waist like she’s trying to get her closer but their bodies are already molded closely together. “Dance with me?” and she asks it in such a gently sweet way that Clarke would say yes even I she didn’t want to dance.

“Okay.” Clarke agrees softly and lets Lexa guide them into a slow motion. She doesn’t lean on Lexa like she normally does when they dance, instead she stares at her because Lexa’s expression has become serious, eyes soft and gentle as she leans forward and presses her forehead against Clarke’s.

The moment leaves her breathless. Lexa’s hands protectively on her back, her own hands in Lexa’s soft hair, the sway of their bodies together. The moment is quiet and intimate in a way that Clarke has not really experienced before. Somehow it feels like she is spilling every last emotion inside of her out on the table without really saying anything at all.

“You look perfect.” Lexa whispers softly and Clarke’s heart races and that grip is back tight and squeezing, her chest expanding and this love swallowing her whole.

“Lexa-” She goes to confess her emotions but Lexa is interrupting.

“Are we still just having fun?” And the way she says it. So vulnerably, like it’s her that’s been waiting all of this time.

“No.” Clarke brushes her thumb across a delicate cheekbone. “It was never just fun.” She admits softly and Lexa’s eyes are watering. She is so beautiful. Clarke doesn’t think she deserves this.

“Baby I’m-”

“Shh,” Clarke mumbles, leaning up and pressing her mouth against Lexa’s. The kiss delicate and sweet and deep. A flutter of all of her emotions, deep and resounding and Lexa is kissing her back in completely the same way, fingers curling against her back, she can feel them. Her own tightens into Lexa’s hair and she pulls her back toward the bed, the anticipation of the nice sheets, shaky hands on Lexa’s neck now.

A soft gentle sound leaving Lexa as Clarke’s tongue brushes her own, her fingertips unzipping Lexa’s dress, a sigh leaving her as it pools at her feet. She turns them around, parting the kiss so Lexa can sit on the bed; eyes glossy and watery, tear down her cheek and Clarke is consumed with this emotion. So in love.

She unzips her own dress, lets it fall, and lets Lexa’s eyes take her in. They have seen each other now, quite a few times, but this moment feels so new. Something they’re not holding back anymore when they touch and kiss and breathe each other in.

Lexa shakes into Clarke’s hands and Clarke sighs into Lexa’s kisses, pressing her into the bed and feeling the sheets against the skin of her knees as she straddles her. A soft intake of breath from the both of them. Teeth marks in skin and slow hands tearing off the remaining articles of clothing.

Clarke is already wet, and so is Lexa as they touch each other. The moment slow as they move at the same time, lips locked together as Clarke feels Lexa’s fingers brush between her legs, carrying her wetness up to swirl around her clit until she’s moaning into her mouth and she repeats the motion on Lexa, feels her spread across her fingers, taking in the smoothness of her body, the pounding of her clit against the tip of her fingers as she moves them in a way Lexa always likes, both their hips moving to meet each other’s hands.

Wet sounds and soft touches and light moans echoing off the walls.

Lexa’s hands on her will always feel good but this moment has her floating, flying. Lexa’s kisses on another level, Lexa’s gentleness a new brightness. Lexa, an angel in person. When she reaches her peak it’s more powerful than any other time that Lexa has brought her here, and she cries out Lexa’s name and Lexa kisses her and its perfect.

Lexa is perfect even when she’s not perfect, she is perfect for Clarke and she never wants to be with anyone else ever again. Lexa is the one she loves, the only one she ever wants to love like this for the rest of her life. And she wants Lexa to feel it so she makes her, touches her, loves her and she cries out the same way and everything is perfect… just perfect for this very night.

Letting the night pass with Lexa on her tongue and Lexa’s hands messing up her hair and Lexa’s naked body writhing in front of her in a way she had only dreamed of before these moments. The party ends without them, with every touch Lexa gives back, when she buries her long fingers inside of Clarke and she can feel every touch in her body, resonating with her own emotions, so it makes her loud. And when she straddles Lexa’s face in the way that Lexa really likes and she can feel Lexa’s tongue brush deep inside of her she’s stricken with these deep emotions in a way she never has been before.

Maybe it’s the way they both are responding, maybe it’s the emotions they are both feeling, somehow having them be more honest and more open in a moment like this then they ever have before, even though they say nothing beyond the sputter of mumbled nonsense mixed in with moans, and the soft moments they talk quietly while they take breaks.

They stay locked in the room until day break, until their exhausted and everything is a mess and smells of only them and they can no longer think completely straight. Falling asleep before they even get one goodnight in.

Clarke has never slept better in all her life than she does when she finally falls asleep with Lexa wrapped up against her body, both of them worn out and too tired to carry on.

 

***

 

August, 2017

 

Lexa learned from last time that perhaps when it comes to proposing to Clarke that she should maybe keep it a bit simpler. Not too simple of course because Clarke deserves extravagant and amazing, nothing less, but simple enough that if her plans manage to get stepped on again she won’t be out a thousand dollars or something similar to that.

She didn’t want to do it in her apartment so she still rented a place out, a nice gazebo in the park and recruited Anya and Raven to help her set it up. She had the plans set up for at least two weeks now, and Clarke knew this was something important at least because she had cleared her schedule the best she could.

Lexa was actually excited, anticipating the moment, Clarke’s yes, Clarke’s eyes when she sees the ring, Clarke’s happiness. That’s all she wants, is to make her happy, for as long as she possibly can.

Unfortunately, every time Lexa plans something big like this, life seems to want to step on them.

Clarke calls her just as she’s readying to leave, with Anya and Raven to watch over the gazebo for her so she can get ready. Clarke telling her she’s stuck at the gallery, apologizing a thousand and two times.

Lexa masks her disappointment because she doesn’t want Clarke to know what she was about to do, since her plans are set in stone no matter what. If she doesn’t do it tonight, she’ll do it tomorrow or the next day or the next week but it’s happening. Lexa will propose to her because she wants to be with her, forever, and she wants nothing more than to say that. To spill out every last feeling she has always had so Clarke never doubts one second in her mind how in love Lexa is with her. Never again.

She’ll never have to wait again.

So maybe she can’t propose but she can still go to the restaurant she had made reservations for and get some food to go and surprise Clarke at work with it so she can eat with her during a break she can manage to squeeze in for food. It’s that idea that leads her to the window that has her staring in as Clarke is talking to Bellamy for some reason, certainly not at the gallery. It’s confusing nonetheless, makes no sense, why would she lie?

Clarke loves her, so she’s not jealous, at least not at the moment. But what is she doing here if she was supposed to be stuck at the gallery? There’s a cold dark feeling that creeps its way into Lexa lungs as she stares in the window and she can’t stop it. An insecurity, one she’s always dealing with and she knows she has to fight it as she watches Clarke laugh at something that boy has said.

Lexa digs her cellphone out of her pocket, pulling up Clarke’s contact, looking up at her, watching her laugh, watching her smile. She frowns more, what is she doing here?

She calls her.

 

 

“Yes, hold on a second.” Clarke holds her hand up to Bellamy and checks her cellphone. She knows the ringtone; its Lexa’s but she still looks at her name like she didn’t immediately know who it was. She doesn’t know why she does that, maybe habit, maybe not to seem too obsessive.

She smiles as she answers, heart already racing worse than it ever has before, the same way it has been since Lexa’s birthday. “Hey baby, I’ll be home soon okay.”

She can hear Lexa breathe and for some reason that sets off a warm feeling inside of her chest. “Okay, is it really busy?” Lexa asks and Clarke glances at Bellamy, feeling a little guilty that she’s lying, but Lexa can’t figure out what she’s up to. That would ruin it.

“Not super bad, I can probably get out soon.” Bellamy is watching her as he sips his drink. “I’m sorry I had to cancel our date.” She mumbles gently, voice soft and sweet as Lexa breathes in her ear. She wishes she was with her, kissing her and holding her right now.

“It’s okay, we can always have others.” Lexa’s voice is quiet and muffled through the cellphone speaker but soft and adorable as she speaks to her. Clarke’s heart still gripped and tight and racing. She’s so in love, it only gets worse.

“I’ll try and slip out early okay, I’ll come home with some food, what do you want?”

“Something from my favorite restaurant.” Lexa’s voice cracks over the speaker and Clarke smiles, glancing around the restaurant she’s already in.

“Won’t be a problem, I’ll see you soon okay.”

“Clarke,”

“Yes baby?”

“You’re happy with me right?”

Clarke frowns. “Lexa are you okay?”

“Yes, can you answer though?”

She holds her finger up at Bellamy to signal that this is going to be a longer conversation than she thought and stands from her table heading toward the hallway to the bathrooms. “Lexa of course I’m happy with you, what’s up? Talk to me.” She encourages gently, alarm bells ringing and nearly having her sprinting out of the restaurant to run home to her.

“I’m okay, I just…” Lexa sighs. “Come home soon?” She says instead and Clarke frowns further.

“Of course. I’ll be home as soon as possible okay?” She asks more carefully.

“I’m so happy with you.” Lexa says instead of saying goodbye.

Clarke’s heart grips again and a smile surfaces back on her face. “We should have started dating a long time ago.” She mumbles gently.

Lexa chuckles into the speaker and the sound is perfect. “Yes we should have, see you soon.”

“Okay, bye.” I love you.

Clarke hangs up, sits against the wall for a minute and gains control of her heartbeat before shoving her phone back in her pocket and making her way back to the table with Bellamy. “Okay about that favor I was asking about.”

Bellamy sighs with a slight shake of his head. “I don’t know if I can do it Clarke.”

“Please, this is our favorite restaurant, I would pay for it I just… can’t afford something like that, and I’m still paying off the ring.” Bellamy has the ring in his hand, glancing at the shining diamond as he seems to contemplate doing this favor for his friend.

“How much was this?” He asks, gesturing with it.

“I don’t even want to say. Please do this, for me, your friend.” She gave him her best puppy dog eyes, intent on setting up the perfect evening for Lexa.

Bellamy chuckles. “I suppose I can work something out… after all, it’s not every day we get a fancy proposal in here.” He chuckles, pushing the ring along the table back toward Clarke who’s eyes catch it and stare at it a moment.

Clarke squeals, leaps out of her seat and hugs her friend. “Thank you so much.”

“Are you going to tell her who owns her favorite restaurant?” Bellamy asks with amusement as Clarke pulls away from him.

“Oh never, she hates you.” Clarke snorts and takes a seat back down to finish discussing the details.

 

***

 

September, 2017

 

They weren’t supposed to fight about it. That wasn’t the intention when Lexa brought this conversation to light. Mostly it’s her own insecurities that have led them here but she had no intention of actually yelling at Clarke when she hasn’t done anything wrong. At least, she doesn’t think she has. Watching Bellamy give her jewelry in their favorite restaurant wasn’t exactly her favorite thing in the world… but there had to be an explanation for that.

But Clarke could be infuriating and sometimes they just didn’t listen to each other well.

“You want me to push out my friends just because you don’t like them?” Clarke snaps angrily, throwing down her bag with apparently less intention of leaving as they have this… discussion that was quickly becoming more blown up than it ever should have gotten.

“That’s not what I said; I just asked why he had to come.” Lexa says with irritation, shuffling a hand through her hair as she tries to gain control of her pounding heartbeat.

“It’s ridiculous Lexa, that’s what your being.” Clarke says making Lexa flinch slightly and clenches her jaw.

“I didn’t do anything.” The brunette snaps, temper lost. “I don’t like him; he doesn’t even know anything about art.”

“He’s not there for me. I didn’t ask him to come.” Clarke yells.

“No but you do spend a lot of time with him, he gives you nice things.” In the end it’s not really him she’s jealous of. Jealous doesn’t really cover it. She’s scared sure, insecure definitely, mostly it’s the not enough that she knows she is. Because Clarke is perfect and Lexa is Lexa and there’s nothing she can do about it.

Why wouldn’t she rather be with someone like Bellamy? “I really thought this would stop, I’m dating you.” Clarke’s hands move to the sides as she exaggerates, she is angry, the blue in her eyes darker than normal, often the way she gets when she’s pissed off.

“I know that.” Lexa huffs and leans back against the wall. “I just think sometimes I’m not quite what you want.” She admits honestly, her voice a bit quieter now. Maybe she shouldn’t say that but she might as well just be honest, get this conversation out of the way because it was bound to happen at some point.

“Did I ever say that?” Clarke’s voice is hard and rough and cracking around her words and Lexa feels so bad for making her so mad.

“No.” She whispers.

“No I haven’t.” Clarke says louder, voice still hard and cold.

“Sometimes I think this was a bad idea.” She doesn’t exactly mean it as it sounds, it comes out wrong that’s for sure.

“What are you saying?” Clarke’s voice edges onto more panicked than it does cold now.

Lexa shakes her head, wanting to reassure her. “I’m just scared that I’m going to fuck this up and then we won’t even be friends.” She tries to explain her fears.

But Clarke is mad and she doesn’t really listen when she’s mad. “That’s not going to happen.” She states firmly.

“But it could.” Lexa is trying to explain but she’s doing a terrible job with trembling hands a trembling voice. This night not at all how she wanted it to go.

“God, Lexa.” Clarke sighs, still frustrated. “What do you want? You want to break up, go back to being just friends?” Lexa doesn’t answer right away, the thought crossing her mind only to want to slam it out. The thought of being just friends nearly making her sick. “Lexa I’ve waited for this, for you forever and you’re just going to walk away when things get a little serious, or because you’re a little jealous of a friend who I have never been interested in?”

“No of course not, that’s not what I-”

“No shut up, I’m sick of your excuses you’re scared I get it. So am I. But I’m in fucking love with you and you’re just going to leave?” Clarke is blowing up, somehow hearing things Lexa has never said and she pushing off the wall, stepping closer to Clarke and trying to find some way to salvage this mess she managed to make.

“Clarke-”

“I can’t do this right now.” Clarke grabs her coat. “Stay here; think about it I don’t care.” Lexa doesn’t want her to leave mad, chasing after her down the hall as she heads front door.

“Clarke wait please I-”

“You already know how I feel Lexa, just leave me alone.” She opens the door. “I need some space from you.”

“Please stay.” Lexa asks as Clarke pulls the door open. She doesn’t turn around but she hesitates. “Please stay and talk to me. I saw Bellamy give you jewelry I just want to know if you want to go, you can go, but if you want to stay.” The lump in her throat is hard to talk over, her voice masked and small and weaker than she ever wants it to be as she begs her to stay with her. She’s going to say it but Clarke is already huffing in front of her.

Clarke shakes her head. “Unbelievable Lexa.” She steps out and shuts the door behind her. Lexa’s heart sinking into the pit of her stomach. The urge to chase her out the door strong and traveling through her, urging her forward until she’s gripping the door handle.

She doesn’t though because Clarke doesn’t want her too. She lets go of the door handle and steps back, eyes blinking as she wills away the burning of the tears. She won’t cry, stupid to cry, Clarke’s just mad, she’ll come back, they’ll finish talking, Lexa will explain, Lexa will say it back right, will give her the ring and everything will be fine.

Everything will be fine.

Everything has to be fine.

She can’t lose her.

 

***

 

“I’ve already tried calling can you just drop it.” Lexa says with exasperation in her tone. She’s stayed out of her apartment as much as possible this week, the creeping loneliness and the voicemails she leaves on Clarke’s cell enough to remind her that she’s truly fucked this up. She didn’t say it fast enough; she didn’t move fast enough, she didn’t chase her. All kinds of things that leave this to being her fault and her fault alone.

“You’re really going to let her go that easily?” Anya looks angry with her and she can’t take it. Clarke isn’t here, Clarke isn’t beside her, Clarke hasn’t spoken to her in a week and everything is in the air and unsure. If she’d answer a text, call her back, something simple so she knew what to do.

But nothing seems to be on her side for this one. “You think anything about this is easy? She walked out of my apartment after she told me she loved me.” Lexa’s teeth grind. “I’ve been waiting to say those words to her until it was perfect and instead I’ve ruined that too. Now she won’t even answer my calls.” Lexa tossed around the paper on her desk, barely meeting her friend’s eye as her jaw worked. The anger surfacing, the dread of the situation gripping at her heart until she was close to suffocating.

Anya shakes her head. “Go to her house, do something besides being here at your office. You look awful, she doesn’t look much better.” Anya’s voice is too loud, Lexa is fed up, heartbroken and tired.

She doesn’t say that though, the mention of Clarke not looking good far more distracting than her own pain. “Is she okay?” Her voice breaks, wondering how she’s supposed to fix this but not being able to think of a solution.

“No Lexa.” Anya shoves a hand through her hair. “You’re both being stupid. You both bought rings with astronomical prices. You’re supposed to be best friends, work this shit out.” Anya waves her hands around.

Lexa’s heart palpitates. “She bought a ring?”

“Yes Lexa, she did. In July. She was going to ask you on your birthday and then again last week and then you had to go and fight with her.” Anya assigns the blame on her and perhaps she deserves it.

But she has spent all week blaming herself and coming up with no solution on how to fix this. “It isn’t my fault she walked out, I asked her to stay. I begged her too. I call her every night and she never answers.” Her tone is biting and cold, a way it hasn’t been in a long time and Anya is surprised to have this directed at her, staring at her with an unreadable emotion in her eyes.

“Lexa go to her, make her listen to you.” She says instead of stopping.

“I have a lot of work to do, please leave my office.” Lexa mumbles instead, looking away from her and back down at the papers she begins to shuffle between her hands. She isn’t actually able to read any of them; none of the words even make sense.

All she can think about is Clarke.

“You know,” Anya huffs and picks up her purse. “I’m here because I care about you both. You love each other so fix it.” Anya leaves as Lexa’s flipping papers. When the office door clicks shut those papers are flying across the room, off her desk and hitting the floor to ceiling window.

It takes her ten minutes to leave her office; she doesn’t pick up her papers.

 

 

“I swear to god Griffin, open this door.” Raven shouts with her fist still pounding on the wood. Clarke has managed to make her way out of her bedroom, blanket wrapped around her shoulders and eyes still puffy as she walks across the cold tile toward the door.

She frowns as she stares at it, Raven still pounding. Then she clears her throat and speaks up. “Is Lexa with you?” And for some reasons she’s hopeful. Maybe Lexa will be there, though she doesn’t know what she’s going to do with it if she is.

She imagines she’s already ruined everything. Lexa could be so fragile and Clarke could be so distant when it came to fights like the one they had had. And yet, the fight felt final. Like everything had ended and Clarke doesn’t know how they had gotten there. “No but I wish I had thought of that.” Her heart plummets even though a small piece of her is still mad at Lexa, still mad at her for pissing her off, for not trusting her enough, for what? For loving her so much she’s afraid to be with her? She doesn’t know what to do.

Lexa’s late night phone calls and voicemails don’t help. “I’m not in the mood for visitors.” Her voice cracks, having barely used it the last few days as she steps closer to the door and presses her hand to the handle.

“No, you’re in the mood to self-sabotage.” Clarke pulls the door open and glares at her best friend, who’s own face holds a scowl.

“What do you want?” Clarke snaps unpleasantly.

“I want you to get in the shower, put on that black dress Lexa likes, go to her apartment and get on your fucking knees.” Raven’s voice is hard and demanding as she pocks at Clarke’s shoulder.

The blonde only frowns. “I’m not doing that.”

“Let me in.” Raven demands further.

“No.” She shakes her head.

“Move Griffin I swear to god.” Raven shoves past her into the darkly lit home. A frown practically glued on Clarke’s lips.

She shuts out the light behind her. “Lexa doesn’t want to marry me.” She says but she doesn’t know if that’s completely true. Maybe she’s not ready to marry her yet? Maybe they have lots of things to figure out before they ever take a big step such as that one.

“Don’t be an idiot, she never said that, this about you.” Raven turns to look at her. “You’ve waited for her and now she’s ready but you’re not so talk about it.”

“I’m ready.” Clarke denies but it’s a lie.

“No you’re not, if you were ready you would have taken Lexa to the restaurant and a week later we’d be planning your wedding. I wouldn’t be standing in your dark ass house staring at my best friend in pajamas and a blanket cocoon with red eyes.” Raven’s own eyes seem to take her in as she speaks, the look making Clarke a bit self-conscious and feeling scolded.

She looks down, frowning “I’m scared.” Scared that Lexa will leave her first, that Lexa will be too scared of her own heart and take off running, scared of the way she felt as Lexa hesitated when she asked her if she wanted to stop. She doesn’t know if she can do this, she doesn’t know if she wants to do this anymore.

“I know.” Raven examines her face. “But running away from Lexa without talking to her about it… why did you do that?” Raven asks a lot gentler as she seems to take in Clarke’s state of mind.

“I’m scared of her.” Raven frowns. “She has so much of me.” Clarke says quietly. “I can’t do anything about it.” She wraps the blanket tighter around herself as if it will protect her from loving someone so much that it’s almost physically painful.

“What do you mean?” Raven asks softer, stepping closer to her.

“I love her, she doesn’t get it. She doesn’t get how much. I don’t even think I could explain it or she’d even want me too. She doesn’t trust me, she’s going to leave first and I can’t handle it.”

“No, she certainly doesn’t know how you feel now. She’s been working for a week straight; I don’t even think she’s really sleeping.” Clarke frowns now. “Look I know you and Lexa have been… complicated for a while but you need to talk to her about how your feeling. You don’t do it enough, you run away and you hide it and then Lexa thinks it’s her. She’s not here because she thinks you don’t want her here. I’m not saying marry her, or propose to her now I’m saying talk to her. Tell her why you’re scared; tell her how you feel because you’re both not going to get anywhere avoiding each other.”

Clarke knows Raven is right even though she has probably messed up that idea by now. Just talking to Lexa wouldn’t make up from ignoring her for a week straight. “It would be so easy for her to walk away from me.” She mumbles quietly, the thought always on her mind.

“How do you know that when you’re the one walking away first? This isn’t what you want.” Raven brushes a hand through her knotted blonde hair.

Her heart races. “No.”

“You want to be with her, you always have, so go be with her. It doesn’t matter in what way that is. But you can’t run from her. You’re always going to love her as much as you love her now, whether you are with her and happy or not with her and sad.” Raven steps further into her friend’s space. “Wouldn’t you rather be happy?”

Clarke sniffs and nods her head.

“Okay, get in the shower, go to Lexa’s apartment, call Lexa’s phone, try her office but find her and fix this okay. And then come back to me so I can make fun of you for being stupid.” Raven chuckles affectionately as tears slip out of Clarke’s eyes.

Clarke snorts. “Shut up.”

Raven pulls her friend into her arms. “I love you Griff, good luck.” She whispers supportively before letting Clarke go.

 

***

 

Lexa shouldn’t be here. She should wait for Clarke to say she can come. But she’s sick of waiting and she misses her and Anya’s right, she has to fight a little harder for this because this is what she wants. Clarke needs to know that this is what she wants so she’s here with a stupid little box in her hand that holds a small ring.

She knocks on Clarke’s door and waits but there’s no answer. Her heart sinks as she knocks again because she really thought Clarke might open up for her even if she has been ignoring her for a week. She thought maybe it would be different if she could actually see her. It is Lexa after all; she has to mean more than a stupid fight in her apartment hallway.

“Clarke, please. Are you in there?” Lexa sighs as she presses her ear to the door but she can’t hear anything. The adrenaline that had been coursing through her veins and had her heart racing seemed to slow down, and instead she was starting to feel a lot more hopeless than she has for the past week.

She really messed this up, she doesn’t even know how she did it, how she got it to be this bad. If she had stopped focusing on the perfect moment and had just told Clarke, no matter what was happening, this wouldn’t be a thing. Clarke would be with her now, happy and smiling and bright and Lexa would be happy too and everything would be fine. If Lexa hadn’t been insecure and mentioned Bellamy or what she saw at that restaurant none of this would be happening.

But that’s not how things have worked out because Lexa is an idiot. She sighs and pulls out her cellphone, dialing Clarke’s number and listening to it ring a few times before going to voicemail, Clarke’s tone familiar as she asks her to leave a message.

She’s heard it about a hundred times now. “Hey Clarke please, I don’t even know if you’re listening to my messages but I’m at your house, outside your door, if you’re in there can you open up or come home or something or just call me back.” Lexa sighs. “I really need to talk to you.”

Lexa’s hand fists the ring box in her hand, the key she had to Clarke’s house still at her apartment where she hasn’t been in a week. She sits down and leans back against Clarke’s front door. She’ll just wait; she’s got nothing left to lose.

 

 

Clarke shoves Lexa’s front door open and examines the place, looking for any sign of Lexa at all. She’s not here; she thought she might not be from what Raven said. She’s only here for the black dress originally but if Lexa had been here she would have done it without the black dress. She finds it hung up in Lexa’s closet, freshly cleaned and tares it off the hanger, leaving the house quickly only to have to go back because she forgot her phone.

She frowns when she looks at it, Lexa called her and she makes to call her back this time, but listens to her voicemail first, heart racing as she picks up a run back for her house. It doesn’t take her long to get there but Lexa is not there when she does, and a grumble leaves her throat as she’s stepping up the steps to her house.

“Clarke,” Her heart stills and she whips around.

“Lexa.” She sighs in relief, though the nerves inside of her pile on massively.

“Clarke I wante-” Clarke doesn’t give her time to finish, rushing down the steps quickly and kissing Lexa firmly, holding onto the dress as she pulls the girl’s body against her own, a sense of warmth and safety washing over her that’s familiar with every single kiss she always shares with the brunette.

She’s missed it so much after so many days of not having it. “I’m so sorry.” Clarke tells her gently as she pulls away.

“No, I’m sorry.” Lexa says with her voice cracking, her eyes already glossy and watering as her fingers on her left hand brush through Clarke’s hair gently, her right hand occupied with something she’s holding.

“No shh, I have something I want to say.” Clarke puts her dress around Lexa shoulder and the brunette is almost watching her with amusement. And then Clarke is on her knees though it’s rather uncomfortable with the stone of the walkway to her front door below her. “Lexa,”

“Wait no.” Lexa frowns, box in her hand. She opens her palm to show Clarke and the blonde actually laughs. And then Lexa is kneeling in front of her too, hand brushing through the side of her hair gently again.

“We probably shouldn’t get married for a while.” Clarke mumbles, tipping her own box open. “But you’re the only person I ever want to be with and that scares me.” The blonde mutters honestly, smiling shyly. “I’m sorry for the way I acted. I should have told you all of this sooner, I just…” Clarke sighs. “am so in love with you it makes me stupid. That stupid thing you saw Bellamy give me was this, I was… renting the place out I was going to…” Clarke’s voice cracks and Lexa doesn’t make her finish.

She chuckles and leans forward and kisses her. “I love you too,” She whispers against her mouth, so quiet and yet Clarke hears it like it’s the loudest thing in the world. “I should have told you sooner, I was just trying to make it perfect because you waited so long and I wanted you to not be able to doubt it but I should have just told you because I want to be with you forever.” Lexa tips her box open too and smiles, eyes slightly glossy.

Clarke is already crying. “I’m not ready to get married yet.” Clarke says honestly. “But you’re the only person I ever want to be with.” Clarke takes the ring from the box and Lexa’s tears finally spill, grabbing the ring and pushing it onto Clarke’s ring finger.

“A proposal to be proposed to then.” Lexa giggles, letting Clarke put her ring on Lexa as well.

“You’re okay with waiting a little while, and just dating before getting married than?” Clarke asks with a sniff and Lexa cups her face in her hands.

“Baby I’ll wait for you, only forever.” She whispers and then she’s kissing her and it’s right and Clarke feels whole again, sinking into her touches and memorizing her embraces as Lexa leans back on her knees and pulls Clarke into her lap, embracing her and keeping her close as the blonde giggles against her mouth.

 

***

December 25th 2017

 

Lexa pulled herself from the warmth of their bed begrudgingly, the sun barely peeking out into the sky, maybe a quarter past six o’clock in the morning. Any other morning she’d protest getting up so early, but no one ever did on Christmas. Not really.

She pulled the warm blanket it with her, wrapping it around herself as she fiddled with the ring on her finger and tip-toed out of the room, walking the small distances into the living room where everyone else seemed to already be up. Abby sitting on the couch with her father, both drinking coffee and looking far too chipper. It’s nice to see her dad like that, for the first time in a long time he seemed genuinely happy, she was surprised when he agreed to come for Christmas.

She knows Clarke is up because she wasn’t there in the bed when she had awoken, the only reason she bothered getting up anyways was too find her and wrap her arms around her and burying herself as far as she can in the warmth of Clarke’s body as she resisted being awake so fucking early in the morning.

She walked past the pair on the couch, offering them a wave as they both greeted her.

“Good morning sweetie,” Abby says brightly, far too happy.

“Rise and shine sunshine.” Her father winks at her and she rolls her eyes but can’t help the smile that surfaces at seeing him so playful. If not at any other time, at least he’s awake today.

She walks into the kitchen that’s filled with the smell of pancakes and bacon and whatever else Clarke is cooking up as she goes about it. Some of the food cooking for dinner later already. She walks up behind her and wraps Clarke in her blanket, pulling the blonde’s body against her own and sighing as she breathes her in.

Clarke giggles warmly and she can feel the sound travel through the girl’s body, her own heart racing. “Good morning baby, pancakes or eggs? Your dad was hell bent on sunny side up.”

“He seems to be rather cheerful this morning.” Lexa grumbles as she kisses Clarke’s neck and lets her hands slip under the fabric of Clarke’s shirt to trace her skin. “Why did we invite them again?”

“My mom insisted on coming, you know that.” Clarke corrects, though the smile on her face says she’s happy about that. “This is good for your dad, he seems happy.”

“I know it’s weird but nice.” Lexa grumbles further.

“I just have to finish breakfast and then you can sleep some more. Mom did the stockings last night so you should go look at yours.”

“Comfortable just staying here.” Lexa mumbles honestly. Clarke is just finishing up.

“Pancakes huh?”

“Yep, with a side of you please.”

“Stop.” Clarke snorts, turns enough to peck Lexa on the lips and then finishes up cooking.

When she’s done they all head to the dining room and eat there together, passing around jokes and light hearted laughter as they eat. The morning is warm, despite Lexa’s desire to sleep longer. She devours her food and once she’s done she climbs into Clarke’s lap while the girl is finishing her own, closing her eyes and content to just listen to the conversation and be close to the girl she loves.

The day is smooth and simple and lovely and they open gifts and exchange items and everything is so much better than Lexa ever thought it would be especially changing the routine up. She wasn’t sure how it was going to go moving into Clarke’s house but the evening was just the same as it always was at her apartment that she no longer has. Except they can fit a bigger tree and there’s more space for everything.

Her father had agreed to come after some contemplation but he seemed to enjoy himself throughout the day, even smiling through Rudolph which he hasn’t done in a long time. Abby celebrates too, much in a way she probably hasn’t in a long time and she seems to also enjoy herself. It’s sometime past five in the evening that she gets caught up on marriage talk though, insisting that Clarke should start planning.

Her father doesn’t help, saying things like “you need to get married before I die.” Just to have Lexa hit him on the shoulder and scold him for saying that he’s even close to dying.

By the time everyone goes to bed the night has settled in and Lexa is tired enough to fall asleep as soon as she hits the pillow, though she doesn’t, staying awake to pull Clarke close to her and press their lips together in a kind of kiss they haven’t been able to share all day while being amongst family.

It’s halfway through Lexa peeling Clarke’s pajama bottoms off that she stops because of something Clarke had said. “Maybe we should start planning our wedding.”

She corks an eyebrow; pressing a soft kiss below Clarke’s navel and watching the muscles ripple to the action before providing Clarke with her full attention. “Are you sure? We can wait.” Lexa mumbles into the quiet. Feel Clarke sigh as she kisses her again.

“Been waiting so long, kinda just want to marry you now.” Lexa abandons her place at Clarke’s stomach but stays between her legs, moving back up and kissing Clarke mouth gently.

“Doesn’t matter when we marry, I’m in love with you now, and I’ll be in love with you than and every day I’m going to love you more than the day before. Whether your my wife or not. There’s nothing to wait for anymore.” She whispers honestly and Clarke sighs happily staring at her, being the one this time to run her fingertips through soft brown hair.

“Marry me Lexa?” She whispers and Lexa’s heart races.

“We can wait.”

“Marry me?” Clarke asks again. Her eyes so soft and gentle as her fingertips move through her hair.

“Yes, I will marry you anytime.”

“Anywhere?”

“Shh,” Lexa chuckles and kisses her lips, deeper until their breathing heavy again.

“I love you.” Clarke says and Lexa’s heart eats unevenly as she cherishes the woman below her, until Clarke flips them and makes the kiss a bit more aggressive. “I love you so much.” She whispers again and Lexa’s heart pounds faster.

“I love you too.” She replies, stern and with conviction as Clarke smiles down at her.

She was stupid to ever make this girl wait for her, and she will never make her wait again.

 

 

The End.