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Space Gays

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Kaminari knew how to do his job at only the most useless of times. Which was why, instead of the standard beeping alarm, the ship’s speakers began to ooze Teenage Dirtbag as loudly as they could when the ship shook with an explosion to the starboard side. Which was very loud, because their last paycheque had gone almost entirely towards replacing the speakers that their fearless captain had quite literally exploded in a fit of rage. It was frustrating, the Nebriian could barely figure out how to plug in a microwave some days, and yet he managed to hack through all of the firewalls on their security system to replace the alarm with pop-rock. Bakugou swore to himself that he was going to kill him the next time he saw his technician.

The young captain of the ship slid into his seat only seconds after contact with the explosive. Not because he had been standing around the bridge, waiting to be attacked, but because the moment someone fucked with his ship, he came running, and when he was angry enough, it would be more surprising if he didn’t break the sound barrier. He flipped the switch to turn off the autopilot and crushed his finger against the intercom button.

“Are you fucking serious Pika-shit? You can’t Google-search what a Pikachu is, but you know every single shitty 2000s song in existence? What the fuck is wrong with you?” Bakugou shouted into the little microphone next to his control console, getting the important stuff out of the way before he began to bark orders. “Shitty-hair! Racoon-eyes! Pika-shit! Battle stations! Soy-sauce-face! Whatever broke fix it! Oh! And Pika-shit! Turn down this fucking music!”

The ship heaved and groaned and shuddered as Bakugou began to carry out evasive maneuvers. A low growl rose from his throat as he heard a tell-tale chugging noise, and he knew that there was engine damage. He cursed under his breath, but pulled jerkily against his controls anyways to protect what was left of his ship. What a shitty time to get attacked, did they know what he had managed to get his hands on? No. They couldn’t know, it had only been hours.

Kirishima was the first one to arrive.

“Reporting for duty captain!” Kirishima grinned widely, showing off his large, sharp teeth and performing a sloppy salute as he slid into his battle station to Bakugou’s right. For someone who was under attack, he didn’t appear to have a care in the world.

“About time! Power up the repulsers and prepare for combat!” Bakugou snapped.

“On it!” Kirishima laced his brown, stone-coated fingers together and cracked the knuckles beneath his rock-like skin before he began to tap and flip buttons and switches on the console to prepare the combat controls with the speed and precision that kept a Petera on a ship like Bakugou’s.

“Hurry it up!” Bakugou growled, and the intercom suddenly crackled to life allowing his mechanic’s voice to break through.

“Bakugou!” Sero’s voice came across a little fuzzy since Bakugou’s particular intercom speaker was a little bit beaten up, but he was still easy enough to make out if Bakugou put the effort into listening. “We have engine damage!” Fuck, just like he thought. “What do you want me to do?”

“What are you asking me for soy-sauce-face? You’re the mechanic! Not me!”

“I have half a roll of duct-tape and my spit! What am I supposed to do about this?” Sero asked.

“Figure it the fuck out! What am I fucking paying you for?” Bakugou spat and punched the button to hang up on his sputtering mechanic before he could formulate a response, leaving him to struggle with his work by himself. The captain pressed the intercom button again, and this time he pressed it so hard that he swore he heard the little red plastic button crack. Just great, another thing that needed to come out of his next pay-day, as if the engine wouldn’t be enough. “Pika-shit! Racoon eyes! Where the fuck are you? I need you here ten fucking minutes ago!”

“I’m here!” Mina sang as she stepped onto the bridge with a skip in her step.

“What the fuck took you so long?” Bakugou demanded.

“Sorry, I was taking a nap, and then I couldn’t find my shoes, and then I slipped on my own acid, you know how it goes,” Ashido laughed with a passive wave of her perfectly manicured pink hand that sent some acid splattering against the wall when she sat down in the control booth stationed to Bakugou’s far left.

“Fuck that shit! I don’t care if you have to slide all the way down here! Be faster!” Bakugou spat.

“My bad!” Ashido giggled, “we have an incoming transmission, it looks like they’re just your everyday pirates, nothing to be worried about, but they do have quite a pretty penny on their necks, do you want me to pick up?”

Bakugou growled while he considered his options, “let them through,” he decided, and Ashido flipped a switch.

“Am I speaking to the captain and crew of the Gen II Lambda ship Explodokills?”

The pirate’s voice crackled through the speakers, it was a rough, low, gravelly voice, a perfect stereotype filler, it could have been pulled directly out of a movie.

“If you know who you’re fucking with, you should be lightyears away by now, I’m going to give you to the count of three to surrender,” Bakugou said, his voice was surprisingly level, especially for Bakugou. Only Kirishima and Ashido could see just how furious he really was. He was gripping the ship’s controls so tightly that his knuckles were white, and he was impatiently tapping his foot against the floor, and the look on his face was even more murderous than it usually was.

“Feeling generous today? Huh Katsuki?” Ashido taunted.

“Blasty, we still don’t have Kaminari,” Kirishima pointed out in a voice quiet enough that the microphones wouldn’t pick him up.

“Fuck him,” Bakugou said.

“We know that you are currently down an engine, I highly doubt that you’re in a position to be making demands,” the pirate scoffed.

“One,” Bakugou growled.

“Very well, if you won’t be wasting any time, than neither will we, it has been brought to our attention that you recently came to be in possession of a certain item.”

“Two.”

“To be specific, a medallion, an integral part of a map located on the planet Creati, we will be taking it off your hands, whether you decide to cooperate or not.”

“Three!”

“All combat systems are ready to go!” Kirishima announced, and Bakugou’s wicked grin expanded.

“Fire!” Bakugou ordered.

Explodokills was a small, versatile Gen II Lambda ship, with incredible pilots, guns, engines, and speakers, and shitty just about everything else. Which meant that while it looked like absolute outdated shit, on the battlefield, it left every opponent reeling, and it played badass music while it did. Or, it was supposed to, but even the best ship with the best pilots would have a little bit of trouble when it was missing an engine. The confidant grins that Bakugou, Kirishima, and Ashido had been wearing only seconds before faded simultaneously.

“That doesn’t sound right,” Kirishima said when the entire ship wheezed as it moved.

A laugh broke through the speakers, “I told you, now, about the item I mentioned?”

“Fuck you! You think that I can’t kick your ass with half a ship?” Bakugou yanked at the controls and the ship whined again.

“So be it, open fire,” the pirate said, and the transmission ended.

“Hanta’s calling! I’m putting him on speaker!” Ashido reported as the ship clunked and quaked when Bakugou tried to move it too fast again to narrowly avoid the barrage of attacks suddenly upon them.

“Are you trying to kill me?” Sero shrieked through the speaker.

“That’s kind of the opposite of what I’m doing!” Bakugou spat back.

“Stop sending power to this engine! I’m trying to fix it!”

“This wouldn’t be a problem if you fixed it faster!”

“Katsuki! They’re charging another big blow! Like the one that took out our engine!” Ashido announced before their argument could progress any further.

“I knew I should have majored in dance, I just knew it,” Sero murmured under his breath, probably hoping that the microphone wouldn’t catch it.

“Shut your fucking mouth! Use your shitty Spidey powers and fix the engine already! Shitty-hair! Take control of the ship! I’m taking shooter!” With the press of a button, Kirishima and Bakugou’s consoles swapped places.

“I still don’t know who Spidey is!” Sero said.

“You’re worse than Pika-shit! Spiderman is a fucking icon and you are a dumbass!” It was an argument that Bakugou had with the two of them regularly, but still, they refused to Google-search the source of their nicknames. Probably just to spite him. Those motherfuckers. “Look! I need these engines to hold out for ten minutes! Can you get me that Soy-sauce-face? Just ten shitty minutes! Shitty-hair! Get me a clear shot! I can end this with one blow!”

“Okay, it’s not that I don’t trust you completely, but how exactly do you plan to do that?” Kirishima asked as he yanked hard on the throttle to pull the ship away from enemy fire.

“Watch it!” Sero shouted.

“Sorry dude,” Kirishima winced.

“Alright, at the rate you’re going, I can get you two at least five minutes before this engine explodes under the strain and I die a horrible death, do you think you can pull this off before that?” Sero asked.

“Only you would die right? So they have more live seven-to-eight minutes! That’s definitely enough time!” Ashido decided.

“That isn’t how it works! And I don’t want to die!”

“Shut the fuck up!” Bakugou ordered, and the bridge fell silent for a moment. Then the doors opened. The Nebriian technician entered with a wide grin and his hair a mess. The only evidence that he wasn’t still in bed was the obvious fact that he was standing upright, and the large blue-tinted sunglasses that he only wore when he was awake.

“Hey! Is it over yet? Do you guys like the new alarm system that I rigged up?” Kaminari asked, but was immediately silenced by a harsh glare from his captain.

“I like it!” Ashido piped up from her console.

“Sit your ass down, and turn this shit off, and Racoon-eyes, don’t take his fucking side,” Bakugou spoke in a low, threatening tone that made Kaminari sprint into his seat. “Shitty-hair, get me a clear shot, Soy-sauce-face, keep that engine running, I’ll take care of it.”

 

Jirou wasn’t even surprised when she caught word that a badly beaten up Gen II Lambda had literally crashed through the wall of the landing deck with a pack of space pirates in tow. She hadn’t received a call from the Explodokills crew all day, which meant that they were due for a visit. At least they would brighten up her boring office job a little bit.

It was only ten minutes after she heard that the crew of Explodokills had docked in HQ that the five of them came to her office.

“Honey! We're home!” Kaminari sang as he led the charge into her office. She had seen all five of them looking worse, she was honestly a little surprised that they were so clean considering what she had heard about the state of their ship. Excepting Sero, of course, but he was always a grease-stained mess.

Without invitation, the five of them made themselves at home in her office, which was dimly-lit, so Kaminari could take his sunglasses off while the other four squinted through the darkness. Three more of them offered friendly greetings to her while Bakugou barely twitched his hand in greeting before he slung himself over one of her armchairs, leaving his legs dangling lazily out in the air. The hotheaded human wasn’t cursing yet, which was a good sign, that meant that whoever they brought in was enough to balance out the damage to their ship and HQ. Kirishima took the other armchair, which showed signs of every previous visit the five had made with the multiple tears in the leather that were left by his hard, sharp Petrea skin. He grinned to show off his mouth full of fangs and gave her a thumbs up to show that the mission wasn’t a complete disaster. Sero went to the sink and mirror that Jirou used to reapply her makeup when she had big meetings. He began to pry his Tellari silk off of his clothes and scrub the filth off of his face. Ashido hung over the back of Kirishima’s chair with her arms wrapped around his shoulders in a way that would look romantically domestic to anyone who didn’t know that they were both competing for the title of “gayest alien in the universe”. Acidic Cidea slime oozed out of her pores into the leather of the chair and over Kirishima’s shoulders and back. Kaminari went straight up to her desk and leaned over, planting his elbows on the cold steel of the desk, a large Cheshire grin was painting his face.

It was suddenly going to be a very long day.

Chapter Text

“Did you miss me?” Jirou’s fellow Nebriian cooed.

“Not in the least,” Jirou said, but she couldn’t help but smile, the five of them certainly knew how to brighten up a room.

“Aw,” Kaminari put on a pout and sunk to the floor.

“You missed me though! Right Kyouka?” Ashido asked.

“I certainly didn’t miss you staining my Kaltenecker leather chair,” Jirou retorted.

“I’m sorry!” Ashido said, but she didn’t even twitch, let alone move. The chair was far beyond repair anyways.

“What do you all need from me this time? Bakugou hasn’t blown anything up yet, so is it safe for me to assume you’re cashing a cheque?”

“Can’t we just be here to see your lovely face?” Kaminari wondered.

“I’m a lesbian,” Jirou reminded him.

“Damn it.”

“So am I!” Ashido chirped.

“You aren’t my type,” Jirou reminded her.

“Damn it.”

“Both of you need to shut the fuck up!” Bakugou spat, marking it the first time he had spoken up since entering her office. Twelve eyes settled on the Explodokills captain (because Sero had four) expectantly. He produced from his inner coat pocket three cream coloured envelopes. He raised them one at a time, “this is our paycheque for the space pirates, and this is our bill for the damages to your wall.”

Jirou accepted the first two envelopes, but her eyes couldn’t help but linger over the last one, it was nearly identical to the first two, but a small lump made it clear that the envelope was holding more than just paper. “And what’s that?”

“How long will it be until your lunch break?” Bakugou asked, and Jirou knew exactly what it was.

“Just let me file these and transfer the balance into your account, I can clock out for my break early, and I’ll meet you in front of Adelaide’s in forty-five minutes,” Jirou said.

Bakugou nodded, and rose to his feet. The other four followed the action. “Then we’ll see you in forty-five minutes.”

 

“I can’t believe that you actually found it,” Jirou admitted as she stared at the cream envelope across their usual table at Adelaide’s, her dark eyes behind her big round sunglasses hadn’t flickered away from the envelope since she joined their group. “How did you do it.”

“I told you that I would, didn’t I?” Bakugou growled, he glanced over his shoulder to check that no one was paying any attention to their table. People were actually avoiding meeting the gaze as Kaminari tried to prove to Kirishima and Sero that he could drink soup through his nose while Ashido took their bets. He pried the envelope open and the light danced across the Endevvic crystal and Creati gold in a colourful masterpiece. “It was a shit-load of trouble, and it had better have been worth it, that’s all that you need to know.”

Jirou’s breath caught in her throat, “that’s the real deal.”

“Obviously, what, did you think I would show up with a fucking fake?” Bakugou accused and shot Jirou a glare.

“That isn’t what I said and you know it,” Jirou sighed and she reached across the table.

Bakugou pulled the medallion away, “ah! Ah! Ah!” He taunted, and that cocky smile of his made it’s way onto his face, Jirou scowled back.

“If you want me to find you a buyer, you have to let me see it,” Jirou told him exasperatedly.

Bakugou simply rolled the medallion around in his hand and hummed thoughtfully, “you know, I hadn’t had my hands on this shit for two hours before some pirates were on my ass, I bet a black market buyer would pay some good shit for this garbage.”

“Bakugou, this is a priceless artifact, you can’t just go selling it to some creep you met in an alleyway!” Jirou protested and she reached out again, but Bakugou just pulled it back again with a cruel grin plastered on his face.

“Hey!” Kirishima was temporarily distracted from his encouraging Kaminari’s stupidity to interject.

“No offence,” Jirou added, and Kirishima was content with that, so he returned to cheering Kaminari on.

“How much do you think you can get me for this?” Bakugou asked.

Jirou glanced around to make sure that everyone was still avoiding their table at all costs. “I’m not supposed to be telling you this,” Jirou whispered, “but the princess of Creati was the one who asked that I send you looking for the medallion in the first place.”

“A princess! Is she hot? Wait! More important question! On a scale from one to ten, how gay is she?” Ashido asked, she was suddenly exceedingly invested in the conversation.

“Shh!” Jirou hissed and shot a look over her shoulder. “You can’t just say things like that! What if someone heard you?”

“My bad!” Ashido giggled, “but is she?”

“I don’t know,” Jirou confessed, “I’ve never actually met her in person before, she just sent a message to a bunch of HQ workers asking us to look for it, if you would just hand it over, I could arrange a meeting with her.”

Bakugou made a face, “pass.”

The look on Ashido’s face was that of a suburban white grandmother who caught her grandson partaking in gay sex on her kitchen counter with a man who had “I hate Jesus” tattooed across his ass. “Why?”

“Do I really need to remind you of the last time we tried to get involved in diplomatic bullshit?” Bakugou asked.

“Fair enough,” Ashido consented with a grumble.

“I literally could have died,” Sero recalled.

Suddenly, there was a painful sort of gurgling sound, and soup was snorted across the table before Bakugou could say “fuck”

Kaminari screamed in pain before he began to laugh uncontrollably at the memory of the political disaster.

“Yes!” Sero exclaimed and threw his hands in the air.

“Fuck! I believed in you man!” Kirishima groaned while Ashido handed his money to Sero, the pink girl sulking slightly less after that display.

“I’m sorry! Fuck that hurt!” Kaminari exclaimed and tenderly cupped his hands around his nose.

“You know what, I’m calling a foul! Sero made him laugh and therefore interfered with the results!” Kirishima decided.

“I didn’t do anything! Blasty’s the one who brought up the last time we tried to play diplomats!” Sero argued.

“Don’t fucking call me that,” Bakugou growled.

“Fine, either way, if he hadn’t laughed, he could have done it!”

“He could not have!”

“Yeah he could! I believe in my bro!”

“Thanks bro.”

Ashido hummed as she contemplated the situation, “I overrule your foul, Kaminari fucked up, it doesn’t matter if he could have done it, he didn’t.”

“You’re just saying that because you bet that he couldn’t do it!” Kirishima said.

“Shit! Guys! I think my nose is bleeding!” Kaminari shouted when his hand left his face coated by a thick purple liquid.

“Ew! I don’t want to see that! Purple blood is so gross!” Ashido shrieked, and she waved her arms around in front of her face to hide the sight.

“Like you’re any better! Yours is green! It looks like it’s radioactive or something!” Kaminari snapped back.

“You have to shove something up there to stop the bleeding, right?” Kirishima asked, but he was only met by blank stares from the rest of the table.

Mothers were beginning to actively drive their children away from their table.

“Yeah, even if you wanted to, you aren’t meeting the princess,” Jirou decided.

“Good call,” Bakugou agreed. The two of them just stared at the four as Sero made a thick coil out of his spider-spit and he tried to convince an unwilling Kaminari to shove it up his nose with Kirishima while Ashido squealed with disgust. “Hey, Ears, do you want Pika-shit’s job when I kill him?”

“And have to deal with the rest of you day-in and day-out in an enclosed space for weeks on end? Yeah, no,” Jirou almost laughed at the stupidity of the question.

“Fuck.”

“So about the medallion?” Jirou turned her attention away from Bakugou’s idiots and returned to the matter at hand.

“Yeah, take it, no one’s going to out-bid a fucking princess,” Bakugou threw the medallion across the table and Jirou nearly had a heart attack, but she managed to catch it before it fell into the nose-soup.

“Watch it! This thing is worth more than your entire life!” Jirou snarled once the medallion was safe in her hands, and then safe in her pocket.

“Ooh! Kyouka doesn’t want to lose her ticket to meet a princess!” Ashido taunted, her hands had fallen to rest by her sides again since the flow of Kaminari’s blood was temporarily stopped.

“Shut up! I just don’t want to let her down! This could get me a big pay-raise you know!” Jirou insisted, but her cheeks were tinted pink and the ends of the antennae dangling from her earlobes were glowing faintly.

“Aw, look at her blushing! You’re so cute Kyouka!” Ashido cooed.

“You still aren’t my type,” Jirou mumbled as her hands self-consciously wrapped around her glowing antennae.

“I know! But maybe the princess will be! And if she isn’t don’t be scared to send her my way!” Ashido eagerly said.

“And if she isn’t gay, you can give her my number,” Kaminari suggested, and his voice was a little congested from the junk shoved up his nose.

“You guys do remember that she’s a princess right? She’s going to be way out of your league,” Sero pointed out.

“Hey! I have dreams Hanta! Big gay dreams! Dreams of a beautiful, rich girlfriend, and I will not have you shitting on them!” Ashido pointed a finger threateningly.

“You are not meeting the princess, and none of us are going to be dating her,” Jirou decided.

“But Kyouka! She could be my soulmate! She’s met all of my standards!”

“Your standards are literally just “pretty”, “rich”, and “gay”,” Kirishima reminded her.

“Yeah? Your standards are just “manly”, so I don’t think you have room to talk,” Ashido said.

“Touche,” Kirishima shrugged and stood down.

“Alright, can we tone down the fucking gay in this conversation and get back to business?” Bakugou demanded.

For a moment the five of them just stared at the captain. Then Kaminari snorted out a laugh, which made him wince from the pain still lingering around his nose, and from there it just descended. The other four struggled to hide their own snickers, be it with their hands or by holding their breath, Ashido even bit her tongue to keep her giggles to herself.

“What?” Bakugou narrowed his glare, failing to see the humour in his sentence.

“Katsuki, remember who you’re talking to for a second here, hun,” Ashido said, and her shoulders shook with her amusement.

“Yeah, not to mention, you’re at least as gay as I am,” Sero added.

“I’m ten times the gay you are, I’m the best fucking gay in all of creation and don’t you act like you don’t know it!” Bakugou spat.

“I’m bi!” Kaminari felt it necessary to remind them all.

“We know, Kaminari,” Kirishima said with a snicker.

“Just making sure you all know that I would date any of you,” Kaminari said.

“The real problem is finding someone dumb enough to date the shit-head who was stupid enough to tear out his own nose hair.” Even Bakugou was smirking now.

Kaminari cocked his head to the side as he tried to remember, “but I never did that?”

“You’re going to in about five minutes, Spidey’s spit is sticky, dumbass,” Bakugou said.

Kaminari went crosseyed trying to look at his own nose. He softly whispered, “shit,” which sent the entire table into hysterics.

As Kirishima set about trying to help Kaminari tear out the Tellari silk with minimal damage, Jirou rose from her seat.

“I should get going, I have to make a call,” she pat the pocket that they all knew was holding the medallion and gave them a knowing look, “how long are you planning to stay docked?”

“As soon as my ship’s cleared to go, we’re gone,” Bakugou replied, and he gave Sero a glare.

“Hey! It isn’t my fault that the toolkit literally only consists of a roll of duct tape!” Sero threw his hands in the air defensively.

“What the fuck ever,” Bakugou grumbled.

“Alright, I’ll let you guys know when the transaction goes through,” Jirou nodded.

“Bye Jirou! Owowowow” Kaminari shrieked when he tried to wave.

“Stop moving! You’re going to make me mess up!” Kirishima ordered.

“But it hurts! Ow!” Kaminari whined.

“Bye Kyouka! We’ll make sure to see you again before we leave!” Ashido smiled and waved without any impairment.

“Please, don’t feel like you have to do that,” Jirou pleaded, but she was smiling slightly too.

“Yeah, well fuck you too bitch!” Bakugou flipped her off as she left. And then they were back to the usual five.

“Alright, this isn’t working, where’s the medical wing in this place again?” Kirishima asked.

Sero and Ashido shrugged. Bakugou wished he had been the one to leave.

Chapter Text

Kaminari walked out of the medical office with a hand carefully cupped around the centre of his face and a red lollipop in his mouth. Two of his friends remained waiting for him in the too-small plastic chairs while they aggressively sat in the play area for children over a game called tic-tac-toe on Earth, although Kaminari had always known it as haarnet-krii, which would translate to something like “three-of-a-kind” through the translator.

“Hey,” Kaminari interrupted their game, and four eyes turned up to look at him.

“Hey, you all better now?” Sero asked, before turning back to the game to see what Ashido’s move had been.

“Yeah, but it still stings like a bitch, don’t ever spit in my nose ever again,” Kaminari requested with a pained grimace.

“I wasn’t planning on it,” Sero laughed, and he placed his ‘o’ like a fool.

Ashido began to cackle ominously, “you’ve fallen right into my trap.” She placed an ‘x’ to claim three of the four corners, while Sero had his ‘o’s on the middle space and the final corner, effectively making his victory impossible.

“Fuck me!” Sero exclaimed, and some of the actual children in the play area gasped, one even ran to his mother near tears.

“Just according to keikaku,” Ashido chuckled, drumming her fingers together like the wicked pink mastermind that she was.

“Keikaku means plan,” Kaminari added helpfully.

Sero was near the point of tears he was trying so hard to keep himself from laughing. It was funny, because the meme was approximately 100 years old, and Bakugou would be screaming at them for knowing it, but not knowing what a Spiderman or a Pikachu was.

Earth was only good for two things, and those things were coffee and memes. On all other counts, it was a miserably primitive planet. The three aliens found this almost as funny as the memes themselves.

The three of them giggled at the stupid joke until Kaminari nearly choked on his lollipop.

“Where did Bakugou and Kirishima run off to?” Kaminari asked after he was nearly driven back into the office he had only just exited.

“You know how kids get around Bakugou, he got sick of playing with them and took Kirishima to check how the ship was doing,” Ashido explained.

“Shouldn’t he have taken Sero with him to do that? You know, the actual mechanic?” Kaminari asked.

“Shouldn’t the two of them be spending as much time together as possible to work out their sexual tension?” Sero countered.

“Fair enough,” Kaminari said.

“It’s dumb, Kirishima’s gay, Bakugou’s gay, Kirishima has a crush on Bakugou, Kirishima makes Bakugou feel feelings that aren’t rage, they should just fuck each other and date already, but they’re both so dense and don’t understand Bakugou’s feelings,” Ashido sighed. It was truly a sad state of the world.

“I’m sorry, since when was Bakugou feeling things that aren’t rage?” Sero asked.

“No, you see, before, Bakugou only felt angry, but now, he can feel both ‘angry’ and ‘slightly-less-angry’,” Kaminari explained. Sero laughed and clapped his hands together loudly.

“True! Very true!”

“I bet they’re flirting with each other right now, and they don’t even know it,” Ashido lamented.

“Oh, almost definitely,” Kaminari agreed, and the conversation topic fizzled and died. “So what did you say to get them alone?”

“I just bullshit an excuse about wanting to stick around because I felt responsible since it was my spit stuck in your nose and off they went on their merry gay way,” Sero told Kaminari, who nodded along in understanding.

“And what about you?” He turned to Ashido next.

“I said that I was going to flirt with pretty girls and I didn’t care if it was with them or with you and they left me behind,” Ashido said.

“Sounds good to me! Where do you want to start?” Kaminari eagerly approved.

“Are you feeling bounty-hunter girls or citizen girls?” Ashido asked.

“Any girls? Girls are just so nice,” Kaminari said as genuine tear was forming in his eye because the thought of girls was just so great.

“True, very true!” Ashido nodded sagely.

“Can’t relate,” Sero said. Because he was gay.

“Your loss, more for us,” Ashido shrugged and she eagerly jumped to her feet, “alright, come on boys! There are ladies waiting for us!”

“I’m too gay for this,” Sero whined, and he extended an arm in a command for Kaminari to help him up.

“That’s a ‘you’ problem, you lazy piece of shit,” Kaminari said as he tried to pull Sero up. Which was hard when the tall lanky spider-boy provided absolutely no assistance whatsoever. All Kaminari managed to do was drag him out of his chair and drop him on the floor with a painful thud.

Ashido and Kaminari began to laugh at their friend’s pain.

“Fuck you assholes!” Sero flipped them both off, and suddenly he didn’t need Kaminari’s help to get up, “I could have cracked my head open, and you two would still just stand there laughing at me.”

“Don’t be such a baby, Hanta! Come on, let’s go talk to some girls already! I’ve been in deep space surrounded by men for way too long!” Ashido whined, slowly taking steps towards the door while the boys dilly-dallied.

“There will be boys around, I promise!” Kaminari swore as he followed Ashido out of the medical wing.

“Sure there will be,” Sero said, and he rolled his eyes. He had played this game before. Kaminari and Ashido would go and flirt with girls because they apparently saw something in organisms with boobs that the rest of the crew didn’t, and Sero would stand off to the side waiting for one of them to say something stupid so that he could watch them get slapped. If the offended party looked like she was out for blood, he might even have to intervene. It would be entertaining, but it definitely wouldn’t be a chance for Sero to meet boys.

 

Kirishima knew exactly what Ashido and Sero were doing, and he wasn’t sure if he should punch or thank them for it. They weren’t even being subtle about it anymore. Sero’s excuse was one of the weakest things that he had ever heard, and the over-exaggerated wink that Ashido sent their way as they left the medical wing made him want to kill and die at the same time. He was perfectly capable of talking to Bakugou by himself! Or at least, he was when he wasn’t thinking about how manly and cool and attractive and smart and talented and brave and beautiful his captain was and how gay he was in comparison. Which became a lot harder when his friends made it obvious that they knew what his feelings were and were trying to set him up.

It was a miracle that Bakugou hadn’t noticed what they were up to. For someone so brilliant, he sure was dense.

The two of them were just walking. It wasn’t anything weird or abnormal or romantic. But those stupid friends of his were putting weird thoughts in Kirishima’s head. It could be romantic. If they wanted it to be. They could be holding hands, peppering kisses over each other as they whispered gentle confessions. They could be walking to a fancy restaurant or a movie, and Bakugou could have sworn to behave himself as best he could for the night just to please him.

Instead, Kirishima actually punched himself in the face as hard as he could to snap himself out of the daydream, sending himself reeling. Bakugou was his best friend and, in a matter of speaking, his boss. He was also staring at him like he was the dumbest creature alive.

“Did you just punch yourself in the fucking face?” Bakugou asked.

“Uh, maybe?” Kirishima replied hesitantly. He briefly considered punching himself again, because apparently the first one wasn’t enough to make himself any less gay for Bakugou. But the look on Bakugou’s face stopped him.

“Why the fuck would you do that?” Bakugou demanded.

“I uh, I was wondering if it would hurt if I punched myself,” Kirishima said, which technically wasn’t a lie, he and Kaminari had discussed the topic more than once.

Bakugou looked at him like he was almost as dumb as their Nebriian crew-mate for a long moment, “you’re a fucking moron.”

“Yeah…” Smooth Kirishima. That really impressed him. Everyone wants to date the guy who punched himself in the face out of nowhere to see if it hurt!

They kept walking towards the repair-station after that. Awkwardly and quietly, they just walked.

“Did it?” Bakugou suddenly asked.

“Did what?” Kirishima wondered back.

“Did it hurt, dumbass,” Bakugou clarified with a scowl.

“Oh, yeah actually! I didn’t think it would, because of my skin and all, but it actually stung pretty bad,” Kirishima replied.

Bakugou clicked his tongue disapprovingly. “Weak,” he muttered.

“Huh? No way! If I punch myself in the face and it hurts, it means that I’m too strong!” Kirishima argued.

“No, it means that you aren’t tough enough, if you were strong, it wouldn’t have hurt, because you’d be too tough to feel it,” Bakugou reasoned.

“But if I couldn’t feel it, wouldn’t that mean that I just didn’t hit myself hard enough to hurt?”

Bakugou’s retort was just to punch Kirishima in the shoulder. From any other human, it would be like a fly landed on him. But it wasn’t any other human, it was Bakugou.

“Ow!” Kirishima exclaimed, “what was that for?”

“Did that hurt?” Bakugou asked.

“Yes! What did I ever do to deserve that?” Kirishima began to rub his hand over his sore shoulder. Only Bakugou would somehow manage to find a way to bruise rock.

“Weak,” Bakugou said, and a wide wicked victory grin was spread across his face.

“No, you’re just too strong,” Kirishima disagreed.

“Or maybe you’re just too weak.”

“I am not!”

“Sure you aren’t.”

“I’m not! I’m manly!”

“Okay Kirishima, whatever you say.”

Kirishima laughed, he loved it when Bakugou called him by his real name. He only ever did it when they were alone, otherwise Ashido would never let him live it down, and Bakugou would look at him like he wasn’t the absolute stupidest thing alive. But the look didn’t last long until Bakugou muttered a curse under his breath and hastened his feet a little bit so that he was walking several paces ahead of him. Still, however short it was, if Bakugou thought that he wasn’t the stupidest thing alive, he might as well be the greatest creature in the universe. And if a look on a boy’s face could make him feel like that, maybe having a crush on his best friend wasn’t the worst thing.

Chapter Text

It had been three days and their ship still wasn’t ready. Bakugou was starting to get antsy.

“How fucking long can it take for them to fix a shitty ship!” Their captain demanded, slamming his fist into the wall, leaving a heavy dent where his fist struck.

His four crew-mates were lying across their shared temporary room. They didn’t have the money left-over after their repairs to get each of them their own rooms and their paycheque for the medallion hadn't come in yet. So they ended up all just sharing one, which they were all well accustomed to. Ashido wasn’t allowed to share the bed with anyone because of her slimy body, so she always stayed on the couch. Bakugou and Kaminari were sharing the bed, because they were the only two that wouldn’t tear it apart or otherwise destroy it unintentionally. About half of the time, that meant Kaminari would get accidentally get kicked onto the floor. About a third of the time, Kaminari would accidentally attack Bakugou with static in the middle of the night, and he would be kicked onto the floor on purpose. What was left of the time, they would somehow manage to sleep peacefully. Kirishima was contented with a blanket, a pillow, and the carpet, that way they wouldn’t have to pay extra money for damages caused by his rock-skin. Sero made himself a hammock out of his Tellari silk and hung from the ceiling wherever they went. He had only fallen down and crashed into the floor twice that any of them could remember. At the moment, however, they weren’t asleep, so they were freely scattered around their room.

“The engine was pretty badly damaged,” Sero said from his place on the floor with his long legs propped up on the bed. It was an incredibly uncomfortable position, but he was too lazy to move for the time being.

“I don’t give a shit! It shouldn’t take that long! How long is it going to take before we can get back in fucking space!” Bakugou demanded, and he had his foot raised to kick the wall in.

“Blasty! Dude! Don’t break the wall! We can’t afford that!” Kirishima reminded him from the couch.

“Yet,” Kaminari said.

Bakugou settled to stomp his foot against the floor instead, “I fucking hate this!” He screamed.

“We know buddy, we know,” Ashido said, she was lying on the floor on top of Kaminari, both of them staring absently at their portable communicators in search of entertainment.

“It’ll be ready soon,” Kirishima promised.

“Not soon enough!” Bakugou growled.

“Don’t worry, it’ll be worth it once we get paid, I think Jirou said that she would be meeting with the princess soon when I stopped by her office yesterday,” Kaminari said.

“Fuck the princess! It doesn’t matter where we are in the universe, the money can get transferred into our account, I want off this fucking base already!” Bakugou spat as he collapsed onto the couch next to Kirishima, the captain shot what was meant to be a quick glare at his technician, but he ended up performing a double-take when he couldn’t help but notice, “are you wearing my fucking Nirvana t-shirt?”

Kaminari glanced down at himself, and stared blankly at the half of the smiling design on the shirt that Bakugou swore was iconic which Ashido wasn’t lying on top of.

“No?” He replied uncertainly.

“Unbe-fucking-lievable,” Bakugou groaned, “take it off, I didn’t say you could borrow that shit.”

“But I’m already wearing it! And I don’t want to move!” Kaminari whined, protectively clutching the t-shirt with one hand while continuing to lazily scroll through his communicator with the other.

“I said take it the fuck off!” Bakugou barked, but he didn’t move from the couch.

Interrupting the argument, Bakugou’s communicator began to go off across the room.

“Someone fucking get that,” Bakugou ordered.

“On it,” Sero agreed. He twisted to an even more uncomfortable angle than he was already lying in, and spat at the phone.

“You’re gross,” Ashido said without even looking up to see Sero pull the phone to himself.

“Shut up, you’re slimy, you don’t have any room to talk,” Sero mumbled around the silk.

“It is a natural bodily function.”

“So is my spit.”

“Hey, Spidey, if that thing is still covered in that crap the next time I pick it up, I will kill you in your sleep,” Bakugou threatened.

“Got it captain,” Sero agreed, with the communicator at last in his hands, Sero could identify the caller, “it’s Jirou, I’m putting her on speaker.”

“Fuck,” Bakugou groaned.

“Bakugou? Are you there? It’s important,” Jirou urgently reported as soon as her call went through.

“Is my ship fucking ready yet?” Bakugou asked.

“No,” Jirou replied.

“Then I don’t care.”

“Hold it, this is important.”

“Than hurry up and spit it out already! I don’t have all day!”

“Really? What were your plans? Considering you don’t have a ship, you’re stuck on this base with nothing to do, aren’t you?”

“Oi! Is that really the way to be talking to someone you’re coming crawling to for a favour?”

From the way that Jirou sighed from her end, it became obvious that was exactly what she was doing. “Look,” she began, and it was clear just from hearing her speak that one word that she did not want to be saying what she was saying, “I know that I promised you wouldn’t have to meet any royalty, but—”

“Oh no! I am not going to meet that stuck-up little princess of yours!” Everyone winced at Bakugou’s scream.

“We get to meet a princess?” Ashido squealed simultaneously.

“Of course you’re on speaker,” Jirou muttered, “look, I don’t want you to be there any more than you do, I did my best to dissuade her, but the princess has requested an audience with the captain who retrieved the medallion, and, to be clear, she only specified the captain, the rest of you are not invited.”

“But Jirou! I thought that we were friends!” Kaminari protested.

“Clearly, you read too deeply into our relationship, if any of you show up, I will not hesitate to drop-kick you into the nearest supernova,” Jirou warned, at which Kaminari whined, but did not actively protest.

“I’m not fucking going! Send Shitty-hair, he’s my co-pilot, that’s good enough isn’t it? And he likes people I think,” Bakugou suggested.

“Yeah, but you’re the only one of us who doesn’t like people,” Kirishima pointed out.

“Shut the fuck up and go meet the stupid princess Shitty-hair,” Bakugou ordered.

“He is not coming, no offence Kirishima, but you have a bit of a track record for either acting before you think or overthinking to the point where you take the worst possible course of action with very little in between,” Jirou said.

“Hey! When have I ever done that?” Kirishima asked.

Sero actually laughed out loud at that, “when do you ever think before you act is the better question.”

“Remember that one time he licked a kekkoin mushroom to see if it was poisonous or not?” Ashido recalled.

“And the time that he tried to jump into an ocean because he forgot that he was made of rock!” Kaminari added.

“Don’t forget—”

“I get it!” Kirishima interrupted before Sero could recite his embarrassing story, “you’ve proven your point, I won’t go!”

“No one who works on the Explodokills is going,” Bakugou said.

“I quit!” Ashido quickly decided.

“You’re definitely not coming, can you imagine what would happen if your stupid flirting insulted the princess? We could both be executed!” Jirou exclaimed.

“But what if instead of offending her, she was flattered and we got married and I became filthy rich? You’ve got to hope for the best in times like these,” Ashido suggested an alternative timeline.

“Have you seen yourself flirt?” Jirou asked.

“If someone who looked as hot as me came up to me and flirted with me the way that I flirt with pretty girls I think I would have an orgasm on the spot,” Ashido said.

“That’s disgusting, and it’s exactly why you aren’t coming,” Jirou said.

“Fuck, Katsuki? Can I have my job back?”

“Absolutely not, hey, Ears, are you sure that you don’t want a job?”

“Will you come and meet with the princess if I say yes?”

“Fuck no.”

“Bakugou, look, you are not going to disobey a direct order from a princess, that would be treason and it would make you a criminal,” Jirou impatiently explained.

“I’m sorry, is this her fucking base? She can’t give me orders unless I’m a citizen of hers or on her land, and I’m sure as fucking hell not a Creati,” Bakugou said.

“It is actually, the Creati people have owned the bounty hunters guild since before Earth even joined the coalition, do you have any more arguments? Or are you done being a baby and ready to cooperate?” Jirou asked.

“Fuck you! I’m still not going!”

It sounded like Jirou stifled a scream on the other side of the phone, then she took a deep breath, “Kirishima, you know that I trust you more than the other three by the smallest margin imaginable.”

“I can never tell if you like me or not,” Kirishima told her.

“Hey! Jirou! I thought we were close!” Kaminari whined.

“I would be happy to hurl you out an airlock,” Jirou said.

“Yikes, get wrecked dude,” Kirishima snickered.

“I have been betrayed and lied to, Sero, you’re my best friend now,” Kaminari announced with a fake sob.

“Bakubro is my best friend anyways,” Kirishima shrugged.

“I am fucking not, and if you call me that again I will tear your damn tongue out,” Bakugou snarled.

“Wait, I thought I was already your best friend!” Sero protested.

“You are now that I’ve been betrayed by Kirishima and Jirou,” Kaminari said.

“I was beneath Jirou? She doesn’t even live with us!” Sero exclaimed.

“Sorry dude, that’s just the way it goes,” Kaminari shrugged awkwardly.

“I can’t believe you man, I reject your friendship, Ashido is my best friend now,” Sero decided.

“Aw yeah, does that we can try bungee-jumping now? And can I get a hammock too?” Ashido asked.

“Of course, because that’s the kind of best friend that I am,” Sero agreed entirely out of spite. He knew that he would regret it later, but in the moment, annoying Kaminari was the most important task at hand.

Kaminari suddenly realized the weight his mistake and outstretched a lazy hand in Sero’s general direction, “babe wait, I was wrong, please take me back.”

“Too late,” Sero said, “friendship has ended with Kaminari, Ashido is now my best friend.”

Four fifths of the Explodokills crew burst into giggles at the comment, “babe, please,” Kaminari pleaded in-between his laughter.

“Mine now bitch, get your own,” Mina taunted.

“I cannot believe you useless fucking memes know that damn fossil but you don’t know Pikachu or Spiderman,” Bakugou scowled.

“Come on, memes are like, the best part of Earth culture! What else do you have?” Kirishima snickered.

“Coffee.”

“That’s it, those are the only two things that you have!”

“Kirishima, you are making it increasingly difficult to place my trust in you,” Jirou said, reminding the crew that she was still on the communicator.

“Right! Sorry, what did you need me to do?” Kirishima asked.

“Make sure that Bakugou is presentable and get him to my office in two hours, the princess will be here in three,” Jirou told him.

“Got it, you can leave it to me!” Kirishima said with a confident grin which Jirou couldn’t see, but somehow could hear.

“I’m not fucking going!” Bakugou insisted.

“Yes you are, I’ll see you in two hours, last reminder that the rest of you are not invited!” Jirou said one last time.

“Bye Jirou! See you in two hours!” Kaminari chirped.

“What did I just—?” Jirou began to demand, but just then, Sero hung up on her.

For a moment, the five of them stayed completely still, strewn across the too-small room.

“I’ll pick out an outfit!” Ashido announced and she bounced to her feet, inconsiderately throwing an elbow into Kaminari’s face.

“Ow! Watch it!” Kaminari exclaimed.

“I’ll take care of his hair!” Kirishima decided.

“I’m going to buy soap!” Sero rolled over and stumbled to stand on his numb legs.

“I said I’m not fucking going!"

Chapter Text

Jirou and Bakugou waited at the landing deck for the princess with a couple dozen armed officers. Jirou was nervously toying with the antennae dangling from her earlobes and Bakugou was impatiently tapping his fingers against his leg. His hair still looked like it hadn’t been washed in three years, but Jirou had tried herself to fix it once, and it didn’t cooperate, so she couldn’t really ask for any better than what it was. His clothes were clean and, while far from formal, were acceptable for the occasion in the sense that they weren’t offensive, he didn’t even smell like gasoline and sweat for a change. Jirou was fairly certain that it was the first time in her years of knowing him that Bakugou had used soap. Still, with his scowl and his insistent annoyed tapping, his personality was showing loud and clear.

“Could you stop fidgeting?” Jirou quietly asked.

“Make me,” Bakugou spat, and they went back to their tense silent waiting for another ten minutes.

The ship that entered the hanger was the largest ship that either of them had ever seen, and considering their lines of work, they had both seen some decently sized ships. It was a beautifully engineered sleek gold ship with scarlet decals and the two of them could only watch in awe as it elegantly maneuvered a landing. From the way that Bakugou’s hands twitched, Jirou just knew that he would kill to pilot that ship for just five minutes.

“This is it, behave yourself,” Jirou warned.

Bakugou scoffed, “you can’t tell me what to do.”

If Jirou thought that the ship was a sight to behold, then she had no words for the girl who stepped out of it. Tall with dark hair pulled high on her head in a ponytail and slender, elegant facial features, she was dressed scantily in clothes considered traditional for Creati people, showing off a developed body, she was every bit as beautiful as a princess would be expected to be.

“Who the fuck is that exhibitionist? Put a fucking shirt on bitch!” Bakugou said much louder than he had any right to say it. Everyone within earshot stared at him, scandalized. Which was to say, everyone on the landing deck was looking at them.

“Bakugou!” Jirou shouted in horror.

“What?”

“That’s the princess you idiot!” She hissed. Bakugou glanced over to look at the princess again, who had frozen in place the moment that Bakugou opened his mouth.

“So?” Bakugou asked, “she still wearing fucking lingerie, the only princess I’ve ever seen who wore less than that was princess Leia.”

“I don’t care! Apologize before we get executed!” Jirou whispered, and gave Bakugou an unfriendly nudge forwards.

“Fuck that! Why should I apologize if she’s the one who showed up looking like that? I put on a clean shirt for this and she’s allowed to show up in her damn panties? This is bullshit!”

“Bakugou! Stop! Please!” Jirou exclaimed.

The princess was still staring at them, frozen in astonishment.

A moment later, every guard in the area had their guns raised towards the two of them. Jirou obediently raised her hands. Bakugou raised his fists.

“What are you doing? You’re going to get yourself shot!” Jirou snapped.

“I would like to see them fucking try!” Bakugou challenged.

Jirou firmly planted her heel on Bakugou’s foot. Which wasn’t as effective as it could have been, since Jirou really wasn’t the type for high heels, but it got the message across that she didn’t find his behaviour funny.

“Please, at ease,” the princess ordered, the guards reluctantly lowered their guns and Bakugou spitefully dropped his fists. Jirou thought that she might just melt into the princess’ voice. “You are Jirou Kyouka, I take it? We have been in correspondence, but it is a pleasure to meet you face to face, and you must be Bakugou Katsuki, I am princess Yaoyorozu Momo, my people and I owe you a great deal,” she politely dipped her head to each of them in turn.

“Just fucking pay me and we’ll call it even,” Bakugou said.

“Bakugou! Stop talking!” the one of them that had any manners whatsoever bowed deeply before the princess, “please forgive us your royal highness! He’s… dumb,” Jirou said as a pitiful excuse.

“I am fucking not!”

“Yes you fucking are! Shut your damn mouth!” Jirou whispered, and she pressed her heel onto Bakugou’s foot again. If he even felt her at all, he didn’t show any sign of it.

“I’m smarter than you and we both fucking know it,” Bakugou snarled.

Princess Yaoyorozu cleared her throat awkwardly to remind them that she was still there.

“We beg your forgiveness, your royal highness!”

“I don’t.”

“Shut up!”

“Please, there is no need to apologize for his… behaviour, my studies have informed me that that human customs are much more primitive and inconsiderate than I am used to, so I was prepared for this, but may I suggest that this meeting take place in a little more privacy on my ship?” Princess Yaoyorozu suggested.

“What? Who the fuck do you think you’re calling primitive?” Bakugou demanded.

“We would be honoured to join you,” Jirou said with a bow to Yaoyorozu and a glare to Bakugou.

Bakugou looked up at the ship in consideration. It really was a nice ship. “Whatever,” he said.

Princess Yaoyorozu led the two of them on board with clacking heels against the golden floors. Bakugou did his best to look disinterested while he was very clearly inspecting every inch of the ship with fascination. Jirou on the other hand, couldn’t stop staring at the princess. The hall that the princess led the two of them to could probably fit ten Explodokills and still have room for. Suddenly they were both overwhelmed by just how out of place they were. It was a long banquet hall, probably meant to hold hundreds of political characters and seat them at the long table that stretched across the length of the room. Elaborate Creati patterns were engraved in the golden walls, swirling in elegant tapestries reaching all the way up to the crystal ceiling. When the door closed, not a single guard joined them in the hall, it was just the three of them and a table much too large.

“Your ship is beautiful,” Jirou said after several moments of trying to come up with any way to spark any semblance of conversation with the beautiful princess before her.

“Oh, it’s nothing in comparison to my mother’s personal fleet,” princess Yaoyorozu said with a smile that only all the money in the universe or the genetics of a God could buy. The princess probably had both. Jirou nearly burst into tears at how obvious their difference in standing was.

“What kinds of weapons does it use?” Bakugou asked, still trying to act like he didn’t care, which wasn’t fooling anyone.

“The latest Mark 37 Laser technology is standard in any Creati ship,” Yaoyorozu replied.

“That’s all? With a ship this size, you should be using PL Hardware instead for your heavy canons, it takes up less space, so you would be able to fit some smaller guns too, it isn’t quite as powerful as Mark 37, but the right collection of support weapons would more than make up for that,” Bakugou suggested.

“I’ve thought of something similar myself, but in the end, I found that the drawbacks outweighed the benefits and chose to stick with the Mark 37,” Yaoyorozu said.

“Did you try any of Neiku’s wares? They’re heavy firepower, and the explosives would be a nice contrast the lasers,” Bakugou recommended.

“Explosives? Aren’t those a little old fashioned in this age?” The princess wondered.

“A good explosion will never get old,” Bakugou insisted, “and Neiku has the power to make up for the lack of precision.”

“Really? I’m not sure that I’m familiar with that name,” Yaoyorozu hummed thoughtfully.

“You probably wouldn’t be, it’s a relatively small Orrin-based company,” Bakugou explained.

“Not Iite?” Yaoyorozu wondered.

“There’s more than one planet that knows shit about technology you know,” Bakugou said, and he shot the princess a glare, as if he expected her to disagree with him.

“Of course, you are correct,” Yaoyorozu nodded, “it’s most impressive, I had no idea that a human had the brain-capacity to be so knowledgeable about ship weaponry.”

Bakugou scoffed, and although the princess had bluntly just insulted his home-planet, the grin on his face was brimming with pride, “there’s a reason that I’m the only human on this crappy base, if you aren’t the best of the best, a human doesn’t last long in space.”

“It’s true, even I’ve only ever met three human bounty hunters,” Jirou agreed. Bakugou deflated a little when he recalled exactly who the other two were.

“I see, it’s exactly as I thought, I’ve only been away from Creati for a day, and already I’m learning things that I could never expect to find in our palace library, you will have to tell me more about human culture sometime,” the princess eagerly suggested. She was beginning to get excited over the new knowledge that Bakugou was providing and at least one of them found it to be adorable.

“I don’t have time for that shit, if you want to go on a study date, take Ears here, I’m sure she’d be thrilled to tell you all about that alien bullshit,” Bakugou said.

It took all of Jirou’s willpower to keep from screaming at the captain. Did he think that he was helping or something?

“That would be delightful,” princess Yaoyorozu said with that beautiful smile of hers, “if you have the time to accommodate me that is, I’m afraid that I have many questions that I feel I can only fully come to understand through a first hand source.”

“Of course! I would be honoured to assist you however I can,” Jirou said with a bow, which was mainly to hide the reddened hue of her face.

“Oi, Ears, you’re glowing,” Bakugou warned quietly.

“Fuck off!” Jirou hissed back, but she still grabbed the ends of her antennae to hide their glow.

“Do you know a lot about foreign cultures, miss Jirou?” Yaoyorozu asked.

“Er, I guess you could say that, I mean, I deal with a lot of different species working here and all, so, I guess I’m more well-versed than most,” Jirou humbly confessed.

“Wonderful, then after this transaction, perhaps the two of us could meet for lunch?” Yaoyorozu proposed.

“Lunch?” Jirou absently echoed, and the princess nodded, “you and me? The two of us?” She clarified again, Bakugou threw an elbow as gently as he was physically capable into the girl’s ribs, “lunch? Yeah! I eat lunch!”

“You’re welcome,” Bakugou muttered. Jirou was going to kill him.

“Lovely, and now forgive me, I got slightly carried away by the ice-breaking introductory conversation, I believe that there is an order of business to attend to?” It was a rhetorical question, and it was all that it took to send the mood in the room plummeting.

Bakugou looked to Jirou expectantly, which caused the princess to stare at her as well. Jirou quickly retrieved a small silver box from her pocket and presented it to the princess.

“It’s in here? The real thing?” Princess Yaoyorozu asked.

“Most definitely,” Jirou assured.

Princess Yaoyorozu took the box in her hands, even her hands were beautiful, she had such elegant slender fingers. The princess took a seat at the head of the long table and placed the box in front of her, after a gesture of invitation, Bakugou and Jirou claimed the seats to either side of her. She took a slow, deep breath, and Jirou would swear that a bead of sweat trickled down her neck as those elegant fingers of hers trembled when they lifted the lid off of the box.

The medallion rested in the box.

Princess Yaoyorozu stared at the medallion for a long moment before gently taking it into her own hands. She held it as if it were made of dust and she stared at it as if it were the solution to everything wrong with the universe.

“You actually found it.”

“Obviously, when I say that I’m going to do something, I’m going to do it,” Bakugou said.

“No, you don’t understand! This medallion has been lost to my people for thousands of years! Dozens of teams of seasoned explorers have gone searching for it and not a single one has ever reported back with even a whisper of what could have happened to it, so how is it possible that some bounty hunter managed to find it after I asked this guild to start looking only a month ago?” Princess Yaoyorozu asked.

“Hey, if you didn’t want me to find it, then why did you ask me to look for it in the first place?” Bakugou demanded.

“But it doesn’t make any sense, I mainly only asked the guild to start looking as a resource of extra ears, I had heard that bounty hunters heard things that rarely made it to political figures, the most that I was expecting was a rumour to go off of,” she confessed.

“I don’t half-ass shit like that, if I’m going to do a job, I’m going to do it right,” Bakugou scoffed.

“But how? How did you manage to do what trained professionals couldn’t accomplish for thousands of years?”

Bakugou impatiently slapped the surface of the table. “Look, how does this sound Ponytail, we make a trade, I’ll tell you how I got my hands on this trinket of yours and you tell me why you want it so fucking badly all of a sudden?”

“Bakugou! Mind your fucking manners!” Jirou hissed.

“It’s alright, but I don’t know if I understand,” Princess Yaoyorozu hesitantly said.

“Please, don’t play dumb with me, I know that you Creati fuckers are practically born geniuses,” Bakugou snarled, “you say that this shit has been missing for thousands of years? Well if the Creati have owned this guild for as long as they have, how come none of them have been on this medallion’s case before this, huh? And don’t think that I didn’t notice that this ship, as incredible as it may be, isn’t a part of the main royal fleet, you said so yourself, not to mention it’s you that we’re dealing with, not the Queen or some political representative. This isn’t something to do with the people of Creati as a whole, this is just you, personally looking for something, and until you tell me what it is, I’m not opening my mouth as to how I got my hands on this thing.”

Jirou could hear the air circulating through the hallway it was so quiet. Bakugou had the princess fixed in a hostile gaze, and she returned the look with a carefully judgemental stare.

“You are far more perceptive than I thought that any human could be,” the princess sighed after their staring contest concluded that there was no chance in their infinite universe that Bakugou would let the subject drop, “I don’t suppose that I could bargain with you to let this go?”

“I have a feeling that your money isn’t worth it.”

“Very well, I will tell you exactly what is going on here, but in exchange, no matter what I say, you must tell me how you found that medallion,” princess Yaoyorozu decided.

“You’ve got a deal,” Bakugou agreed.

Chapter Text

“Do you know what this medallion is?” Princess Yaoyorozu began, holding the object out as if Bakugou needed her to confirm what she was talking about.

“Vaguely.”

“Then I suppose I’ll start there,” princess Yaoyorozu decided, “in the grand hall of the Creati palace, there is kept an ancient map, it has existed there ever since the history of my people has begun to be recorded. It is the oldest legend on our planet, and thus, the oldest legend in the universe. It was constructed in alliance with the verkun people of Endevvic many millennia ago, legends say that the map depicts the location of an ancient treasure.”

“What kind of treasure?” Bakugou interrupted to ask.

“Don’t interrupt!” Jirou hissed across the table.

“Yes, I was getting to that. It hasn’t been seen for so long that there is great dispute on what it really is, but most sources will agree that it points to the centre of the universe, where the power of God is sealed,” princess Yaoyorozu replied.

Bakugou suddenly seemed to be much less interested, “what’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re familiar with the concept of God, I presume?” Princess Yaoyorozu asked.

“Yeah, I’m not a fucking dumbass, we’ve confirmed that already,” Bakugou scoffed.

“In that case, you shouldn’t be needing to ask me what the power of God is,” the princess said, “it is the power of unrestricted creation and destruction, the power to reshape the universe however one deems worthy. The people of Creati have been revered for millennia for our ability to create, but our ability is incomplete. Since matter cannot be created nor destroyed, our ability is not to create from nothing, but it is a sort of psychokinesis to reshape the world around us. We can only create what we have firm knowledge of it’s workings, so far, no Creati has ever been able to create a living organism. It is said that the treasure which was sealed is the missing links in the Creati’s powers, the ability to create new matter, to destroy the pre-existing, and the missing element in a living organism. In order to preserve the universe we know and to ensure that the power of God would remain hidden, the two oldest species in the universe, which is to say, my people, the Creati and the Verkun people of Endevvic, collaborated to construct a three part key, which would both reveal the location of the treasure on the map, and unlock the treasure. For the Creati, we created this medallion, the Verkuns were crafted a staff, and the final piece was a circlet, the location of which was taken with the ancient Queen of Creati and King of Endevvic to their graves.”

“Pardon me, princess,” Jirou spoke up, “but if the medallion was supposed to be in the possession of the Creati, then why did you need bounty hunters to search for it in the first place? Please excuse my rudeness.”

“Not at all, I understand your confusion,” the princess said with a patient nod, “you see, several thousands of years ago, the medallion vanished. It was nothing more than a line in one of my great grandmothers’ journals that said that the medallion was gone, no search party was ever sent out, no announcement was made, aside from the line in the journal and the fact that it was no longer in it’s vault, there was no evidence that it had ever disappeared in the first place. No one knew where it went, and no one seemed to care until me.”

Bakugou scowled as he tapped his fingers against the surface of the table. “Alright, that was a great story and all, but you didn’t answer my fucking question.”

“Didn’t I?”

“Yeah, you fucking didn’t, I didn’t ask you what the medallion was, I already knew that it was a part of some glorified treasure map, what I asked is why the fuck you wanted it so badly all of a sudden,” Bakugou repeated his question.

Princess Yaoyorozu huffed a small sigh, “is simply my desire to retrieve a priceless artifact not enough?”

“It would be enough if it was the fucking truth,” Bakugou challenged.

A brief staring contest occurred between the pair for Yaoyorozu to once again size up Bakugou’s unshakable resolve, “what I am about to tell you obviously cannot leave this room.”

“No shit,” Bakugou said with a roll of his eyes.

“Of course,” Jirou agreed.

“I have reason to believe that there are people who have want to reform the universe, no, I do not know why, I only know that the only way to keep the universe as we know it intact is to keep this medallion and the other two relics safe,” the princess explained.

“What’s your reason to believe that someone’s looking to destroy the universe?” Bakugou asked.

“That information was not part of our deal,” Yaoyorozu simply said.

Bakugou clicked his tongue in irritation, “fine, be that way, bitch, in that case, tell me why you’re the one here? That still falls in the boundaries of my fucking question, doesn’t it? Why is it you, why not your mother or some employee of yours?”

“Yes, I suppose that I do owe you an answer to that,” the princess sighed and wrapped a finger around the thick hair of her ponytail, “you see, I haven’t yet alerted my mother to my concerns, no one on this ship even knows that the reason for this trip was to receive this medallion, the only people aware of my suspicions are the two of you and a friend of mine.”

“And why the fuck is that?”

“If you would stop interrupting me, I would be able to tell you,” Yaoyorozu said, and although she visually kept her composure intact, her voice had a slightly mild bite to it, “is he usually like this?”

“Absolutely not, usually he would have broken something by now, I’m actually kind of impressed by how well he’s behaving himself,” Jirou replied, “but you’ll be surprised, he kind of grows on you, like some kind of fungus or a tumour.”

“I am right fucking here!” Bakugou snapped.

“I see, so he has to get more annoying before you just become accustomed to him?” Yaoyorozu wondered.

“Exactly, now you’re getting it,” Jirou agreed, snapping an approving finger gun at the princess, “he’s pretty valuable to keep around actually, he’s already proven to you that he gets a job done right.”

“You can talk about this shit on your fucking lunch date or whatever!” Bakugou shouted with an angry slap against the surface of the table, “now, back to the fucking question, why can’t anyone know?”

“Bakugou! Shut your damn mouth!” Jirou screamed with her antennae aflame.

“It isn’t that fucking complicated a question!” Bakugou shouted back.

The princess cleared her throat softly, Jirou shot an embarrassed look to the floor while Bakugou continued to glare crossed his arms challengingly.

“The less people that know that we have this the better, as you’ve already experienced, there are already pirates who would trade their entire crew and ship coming for this medallion here, is that enough of a reason?” Princess Yaoyorozu asked.

“What about the Queen?” Bakugou wondered.

“It’s a family matter,” Yaoyorozu replied, “relations between my mother and I have been a little rough over these past few months, she will be less than pleased to hear that I was here, and had I gone to her for permission initially, we would not be having this meeting, and you would be out of a pay-day.”

“What, so this thing is just your little way to prove yourself?” Bakugou guessed.

“Bakugou!” Jirou kicked him in the shin under the table and his facial expression twitched into a look of mild annoyance at the slight sting.

“Not at all!” Yaoyorozu exclaimed, “I would never use something so valuable as this for something so petty as to prove my mother wrong!”

Bakugou scoffed, “sure thing Ponytail.”

“I would never!” The princess swore again, but Bakugou simply rose a disbelieving eyebrow, “well, I believe that I have sufficiently answered your question, now, it is your turn.”

“Fine,” Bakugou relented, he propped his feet up on the table to get more comfortable before he began, “it wasn’t as hard as you seem to think it was, actually. Ears told us to go looking for it, and I’d sooner be dead than lose to that fuckwipe, so we went looking.”

“Pardon me, who?” Yaoyorozu interrupted to ask.

“I told another crew about the medallion, Bakugou has a bit of a friendly rivalry going on with them,” Jirou explained.

“Friendly my ass! I would wipe them off the face of the fucking galaxy if it was legal,” Bakugou exclaimed.

“I see, carry on with your story then,” the princess encouraged.

“It turns out, it was on a little desert sand planet named 04-05-19-05-18-20 way out on the outskirts of the Vegas quadrant, it was a local myth that some unspeakable treasure was hidden there, and apparently dumbasses liked to use it as a test-of-courage or something since it’s booby-trapped to hell and back, do you have any idea how many times I got fucking shot trying to grab this shit? It was ridiculous! I signed up to be a bounty hunter, not Indiana fucking Jones!” Bakugou complained in a grumble.

“Who?” Yaoyorozu quietly asked Jirou.

“It’s an Earth culture thing, no one else gets it either,” Jirou whispered back.

“You know what Ears? Have you ever thought that maybe you dumbasses are the problem? A google-search takes two seconds!” Bakugou snapped.

“It’s more fun to watch you complain,” Jirou said.

“Fuck you!”

“Anyways, you were saying, Captain?” The princess said in an attempt to get them back on track.

“Huh? That’s pretty much all there is to it,” Bakugou shrugged, “we went to Vegas quadrant, Racoon eyes heard about a secret treasure and test of courage from a buddy of hers, we went to check it out, we found your crappy medallion, the planet blew up when we took it, the end.”

“But what was it doing in the Vegas quadrant?”

“Beats me!”

“Alright, what were you doing in the Vegas quadrant?”

“Chasing local myths!” Bakugou exclaimed, impatiently kicking the table to stop the flow of questions, “the results of asking around for the ‘long lost Creati map medallion that hasn’t been sighted for thousands of years’ weren’t exactly great, so we just started looking for whatever urban legend about heavily guarded treasure we could find, why do you think it took us a whole month? This little treasure-hunt scored us about ten-thousand pieces worth of junk, probably eight evil curses, and Pika-shit found a nice pair of boots which he then immediately proceeded to launch into deep space.”

“Why would he do that?” The princess asked.

“Because he’s an idiot,” both Bakugou and Jirou provided.

“I see.”

“Are we done yet? I have better things to do then sit around here all day,” Bakugou claimed, Jirou rolled her eyes, since she knew that was a lie.

“I’m still suspicious that you claim to have simply happened across this after only a month,” Yayorozu said.

“Like I give a shit? Look, I told you what happened, you can ask any of my fucking dumbasses, they’ll tell you the same thing,” and just as Bakugou mentioned his crew, his communicator began to vibrate violently, “and that would be them, fucking assholes, what did they do?”

He didn’t bother to ask permission or to excuse himself before to answered the call.

“Hey! Bakugou! How’s the princess?” Kirishima’s voice asked, Bakugou gently swore under his breath, it was still on speaker from Jirou’s call earlier, of course Sero couldn’t have tapped a button and turned the speaker function off.

“She’s a pain in the ass, now what do you want?” Bakugou answered.

“Well, it isn’t that big of a deal really,” Kirishima chuckled nervously and Bakugou knew that something was up.

“What did you do?” Bakugou demanded.

He heard a distinct explosion in the background of the call and a scream that he was certain came from Kaminari.

“What’s going on?”

“How quickly can you get to the food court on the C-Wing third floor? We’ve got a bit of a shoot-out on our hands!” Kirishima asked with a sudden renewed urgency.

“How the fuck did you manage to get in the middle of a shoot-out?”

“Do you have any idea how many people we’ve pissed off?”

“Obviously, I’m the one who pissed off most of them!”

“Just please get here! We don’t have any guns!”

“Why the fuck are you in the middle of a shootout if you don’t have any fucking guns?” Bakugou screeched into the communicator, and he heard six winces, two from people in the same room as him, and four through the thin communicator in his hand.

“We weren’t exactly planning to get into a shootout when we left!” Kirishima replied.

“Fucking whatever, I needed an excuse to get out of this shitty meeting anyways, I’ll be over there in ten,” Bakugou grumbled, and he hung up before Kirishima could thank him, “yo, Ears, I’m ducking out, the princess is all yours.”

“Actually, I believe that I would like to accompany you,” the princess decided, “I would like to meet this crew of yours.”

“No, you wouldn’t,” Jirou disagreed, “you really wouldn’t, you have no idea how little you want that.”

“I wish to know as much as I can about the medallion, and these people are the only ones who can provide me with information as things stand now,” Yaoyorozu explained.

“You aren’t coming,” Bakugou insisted.

“I believe that I am,” the princess pressed her hand against the table took a deep breath. The surface of the table began to twist and distort itself as she showed off the Creati power that made people believe them akin to gods, leaving a small crater in place of the part of the table which she had used to create the weapon which she was offering the captain. “Unless, of course, you would prefer to stop by your hotel or purchase your own weapons on the way?”

Bakugou hated the mocking way that she said it, but he would be damned if it wasn’t a solid argument. Ashido had insisted that a gun didn’t go with the outfit, and Kirishima wouldn’t stop yanking at his hair until he agreed to leave it behind. Jirou was staring at him with pleading eyes behind her sunglasses, but Bakugou took the gun.

“Just stay out of my fucking way.

The nebriian girl groaned and scowled into her hands, she muttered reasonings to herself too softly for either of the others at the table to hear her, “I already don’t have a shot, what’s the worst they can do?”

Chapter Text

“God, he probably thinks that I’m a fucking idiot who doesn’t know how to take care of himself,” Kirishima grumbled, he and the rest of the Explodokills crew were temporarily curled up behind a tipped over cafeteria table in the corner of the food court taking a moment to breathe before they knew they would have to go back on the evasive while waiting for Bakugou to come help them.

“Would you shut up about that already? If he really thought you were that stupid he would have fired you already,” Kaminari said, as he launched a fork over their makeshift shelter at the people shooting at them.

“By that logic, you would have been gone ages ago, Kaminari,” Sero pointed out.

“Hey!”

“Thanks guys, that’s really comforting,” Kirishima sighed, “I want him to date me! Not babysit me! Why am I such a fucking mess?”

“Maybe he would date you if you asked him out?” Ashido suggested.

“Excuse me, have you seen him? He isn’t the kind of guy that you can just go and ask out!” Kirishima argued.

“Hey, as much as I love your gay pining, could you maybe save it for sometime when we aren’t getting shot at?” Sero asked.

“How long is it going to take for him to get here anyways? We’re running out of cutlery over here!” Kaminari pointed out.

The best that the four of them had managed to throw together in terms of defence was a slingshot made of a headband provided by Kirishima attached to a pair of spoons being held together by Sero’s spit and it wasn’t exactly working well.

“If he ditched us here to die, my ghost is going to haunt him until forever,” Kaminari decided.

When Bakugou kicked the door down, he didn’t even take the split second that it would require to greet his crew before he started shooting.

“Bakugou!” Kirishima shouted his captain’s name but Bakugou didn’t even slow his advance, charging to the other side of the mess hall without a care in the world about the bullets all around him, a gun in one hand and a heavy metal plate Yaoyorozu had constructed in the form of a shield in the other, he walked like a god across a battlefield of men with weapons that couldn't scratch him. That was just how he was. “So manly…”

Ashido gave her friend a sympathetic look and a pat on the shoulder.

It had been far too long since Bakugou was last in a fight (although reason told him that it had actually only been three days, and many would consider that not enough time to recuperate between gunfights). Bakugou liked guns. Bakugou was good with guns. Bakugou liked to be good at things. It was as simple as that. It wasn’t like he enjoyed the act of shooting things. Or, maybe he did a little bit. But that wasn’t all there was to it. The gun that Yaoyorozu had outfitted him with was laser technology, which wasn’t really his style, but that didn’t stop the first shot from going through the poor bastard’s leg and the second his forearm. A gun was a gun, after all. Once he was in fist-fighting range, a swift, flexible kick to the injured man’s head took the first enemy out of commission completely before Bakugou moved onto the next one. He didn’t seem to care about the attacks focused on himself, even when a bullet went through his shoulder. Nothing new, Bakugou had fought through worse. A shot, an elbow to the gut, a kick to the side, several more shots, a well-placed punch, watching Bakugou fight was like watching a ballerina on a tightrope above a pool of sharks. Breathtaking, but terrifying, and you don’t want to get too close.

Jirou and the princess took the time to greet the Explodokills crew. Jirou held in her hands a gun while Yaoyorozu was gripping a sword.

“Quickly, what can I outfit you with?” Yaoyorozu asked.

“Holy crap,” Ashido said as she looked the princess over, “please tell me you haven’t called dibs yet, I want dibs.”

“Dibs?” The princess echoed.

“Ignore them, they just use guns, any guns,” Jirou said, she shot Ashido a warning glare.

The princess nodded and her hand met the wall to alter it. Jirou wasn’t exactly built for fighting, she was more of a brains over brawn kind of girl. But working in a bounty-hunting base meant that she at least had to know how to handle herself, and she was proud of her ability to flip a guy twice her size over her shoulder and her passible shooting skills, sure, she wasn’t exactly the best of the best, but she could get the job done. The rest of them would consider combat a specialty, since none of them could say that they were kept on Bakugou’s ship for their smarts. And Yaoyorozu was more capable than any of them would expect a princess to be. And Jirou had to fight herself almost as much as she was fighting her enemies to keep herself from staring. There’s just something about a woman with a sword that makes a lesbian’s heart pound. Their opponents weren’t as numerous as they had expected, and between the seven of them and the element of surprise, the fight was over as quickly as it had started.

"Bakugou! Are you okay?" Kirishima ran to his captain's side, eyes focused on the blood clogging the sleeve of what had until recently been his only clean shirt.

“What the fuck! You called me all the way over here for that?” Bakugou shouted at his crew, clearly unbothered by Kirishima's concerns, “you should have been able to take those guys easy!”

“Sorry we aren’t bulletproof!” Kaminari whined.

“Shitty-hair is made of fucking rock!”

“Actually, only my skin is rock-like, and even rock isn’t bulletproof against those kinds of guns,” Kirishima pointed out.

“Whatever! You still should have been able to pull something off, you all have some kind of natural defence mechanism, put it to damn use, can’t I leave you alone for an hour without you almost dying?” Bakugou demanded.

“We’re sorry, thanks for coming to bail us out Blasty!” Kirishima said with a slightly guilty chuckle.

“Whatever, you’re… not dead I guess, so it’s fine or something,” Bakugou grumbled.

“Aw, that almost sounded like you cared about us!” Ashido mockingly cooed.

“Shut the fuck up! Who were these guys anyways?” Bakugou asked.

“We aren’t sure, they just showed up with guns blazing asking where you were,” Kirishima shrugged.

“Great, now we need to wait for one of them to wake the fuck up so we can figure out what they want,” Bakugou growled, dragging an exasperated hand along his face, “oi! Soy sauce! Tie these fucking shits up!”

“Got it,” Sero agreed, “by the way, are you ever planning on telling us who this is?”

“OWO what’s this?” Kaminari asked without missing a beat.

Bakugou stared at his technician blankly, “I’m not sure what I hate more, the fact that you managed to find a way to verbalize that fucking emoticon, or the that you actually used it in my presence, wait, I don’t actually care, you’re fired either way. Ponytail, do you want his job?”

“Oh! I am entirely on board for her being Denki’s replacement!” Ashido suggested.

“Damn, I’m on board for her being my replacement!” Kaminari said, giving the princess a fascinated once-over before grinning broadly, “hey there, the name’s Kaminari Denki, but—”

Before he could deliver his pick up line Jirou fired her gun at his feet, “if you say one more word, the next shot will go through your damn dick, this is the princess of Creati, and you are not going to talk to her,” she threatened.

“Wow,” Yaoyorozu whispered in amazement.

“Hey Sero! Do you need any help over there?” Kaminari asked, quickly deeming the pursuit of the princess not-worth-it.

“Wow, you have got to be the hottest girl that I have ever laid eyes on, and that’s saying something, because I see myself in the mirror every day,” Ashido observed, swooping in to take the technician’s place without any concern for Jirou’s threatening glare, “so, as the first and second prettiest girls that I have ever seen, it would just make sense for us to hang out sometime, don’t you think?”

“She’s the one who heard about the challenge-of-courage bullshit,” Bakugou said, “Racoon eyes, tell her what happened and don’t get off fucking topic, the sooner we give Ponytail here her damn answer the sooner she pays us and we can get the fuck out of here.”

“You’re no fun!” Ashido whined.

“And you’re a shitty employee, what’s your fucking point?” Bakugou asked.

Ashido blew a raspberry as Bakugou rolled his eyes. He crossed his arms and leaned against the wall to observe the conversation.

“Your royal highness, this is Ashido Mina, she works communications on Explodokills, Kirishima Eijirou is Bakugou’s copilot, Sero Hanta is their mechanic, and you’ve already met Kaminari, unfortunately, he’s… dumb,” Jirou said to excuse her pseudo-friend as she pointed to each of Bakugou’s crew-mates in turn.

“It is a pleasure to meet you all, I am princess Yaoyorozu Momo of the planet Creati,” Yaoyorozu said and she gave a polite dip of her head to the crew in greeting.

“The pleasure is all mine,” Ashido insisted.

“Hey, what’s the princess doing here? I thought we weren’t allowed to meet her,” Kirishima quietly asked his captain.

“Because she’s fucking annoying and doesn’t trust me,” Bakugou muttered back.

“Alright, fair enough,” Kirishima nodded

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“Well, you know that I like you well enough, but you can come across a little bit…”

“Rude?” Sero suggested

“Sketchy?” Kaminari offered.

“Like an asshole?” Ashido added.

“I was going to say hostile but those were technically not untrue,” Kirishima shrugged.

“Shut the fuck up, let’s get this fucking over with,” Bakugou growled, the look in his eyes told his crew that he would make them pay for their statements later.

“I believe that I would like to get straight to business this time, would you four be able to confirm exactly how you came across this medallion?” The princess asked. The medallion hung proudly from a chain around her neck for the entire universe to look upon.

The Explodokills crew shared a glance like they were syncing up a hive mind. First locking eyes with one another before looking to their captain. Bakugou nodded wordlessly before any of them dared to speak.

“Jirou asked Midoriya’s crew to find it and Bakugou decided that he would find it first,” Kirishima said with Bakugou’s approval, “that’s pretty much all there is to it.”

“Yeah,” Kaminari nodded in agreement, “he benched all of our other jobs to go looking for it, we mostly just listened to a lot of noise and chased urban myths.”

“Luckily our girl knows all the right people to pick up noise from,” Sero added.

“Yeah I do!” Ashido chirped, “but don’t act like you aren’t friends with some all-knowing people yourself!”

“The right people?” Yaoyorozu echoed.

“Partiers of many planets,” Ashido clarified, “the types that go around and stockpile dirt on anything and anyone.”

“The walls have ears and the doors have eyes,” Sero said as he finished binding the last of their unnamed unconscious enemies.

“But you can’t really call them partiers,” Kirishima argued.

“The one that we got the information on the medallion from is,” Ashido said.

“Fair enough,” Kirishima nodded.

“May I ask who this informant of yours was?” Yaoyorozu asked.

“Yeah, you can ask, but we aren’t going to fucking answer,” Bakugou spat.

“And why not?” Yaoyorozu wondered, that bite in her voice was back, she liked to think that she was a patient person, but Bakugou deserved a medal or something for his ability to push her past her very last nerve.

“That information is not a part of our deal,” Bakugou replied with a cocky grin, “you asked me how I got the medallion, you never specified how much detail I had to go into, so we’re going to be omitting the names of our informants, if you wanted names, you should have asked for them.”

“They’re pretty secretive people,” Kirishima explained, “it’s nothing personal, but they would sort of be out of business if the princess of the most powerful planet in the intergalactic coalition knew who they were.”

The princess didn’t look satisfied with that answer, but she understood, “very well.”

“Don’t feel too bad, even if you did have a name, you’d never find her,” Kaminari said.

“Her name is Hagakure Tooru,” Jirou said.

“Hey, what the fuck?” Bakugou spat.

“What? Kaminari’s right, even with her name she’s impossible to find,” Jirou pointed out.

“What do you mean by that?”

“She’s good at hiding,” Jirou replied with a shrug, “I’m friends with an associate of hers, so she’s let me meet her a couple of times, but if it weren’t for those couple of
times, I wouldn’t even know it if I did meet her.”

Bakugou scoffed as if Jirou’s explanation was funny somehow. Yaoyorozu couldn’t help but feel like she was being kept incredibly out of the loop. Even Jirou seemed to know something that she didn’t.

“Anyways, Ashido met up with our informant and she told us about the test of courage in the Vegas quadrant, we went to check it out and we stuck gold,” Kirishima concluded the story.

“It was our eighth most deadly mission by count of how many times we got shot at,” Sero told them.

“What? Really? Only eighth?” Kaminari gasped.

“What, do you really think it could beat the great Monoma incident for seventh? It isn’t even close,” Sero assured.

“Well I wouldn’t know! I wasn’t there for that! Remember?” Kaminari pointed out with a mildly accusatory edge suddenly seeping into his voice.

“Oh come on, we said that we were sorry!” Kirishima said, “how long are you going to hold that against us?”

“I don’t know, how long are you going to forget that you left me behind when it happened?” Kaminari asked.

“Come on Denki! It was an accident!” Ashido insisted.

“Who the fuck is Monoma?” Bakugou wondered.

“The 1-B guy,” Sero clarified.

“Oh, that fuckwipe, yeah, fuck that guy,” Bakugou agreed.

Kaminari clicked his tongue disapprovingly.

“I’m sorry, I’m afraid that you’ve lost me again, does this ‘Monoma’ have something to do with the story at hand?” Yaoyorozu asked.

“No!” Jirou quickly said.

“Fuck no!” Bakugou agreed.

“Princess, I assure you right now, there is no need to meet Monoma, ever, there is literally no instance in which you would ever want to meet him,” Jirou said, “if you had to chose between spending a day with the Explodokills crew or Monoma Neito, I would suggest the Explodokills without a second thought, that’s how little you want to meet this guy.”

“Why? What did he do? Is he some sort of criminal?”

“Not at all, he’s just really, really annoying,” Jirou explained.

“Sometimes I can still hear his voice echoing around my head, taunting us,” Sero confessed with a shudder.

“That redheaded captain of theirs was cute as fuck though, and so was the blond with hooves,” Ashido said.

“Tetsutetsu was cool too, it was really just him, and can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me that you have ever done anything more satisfying than kicking his ass?” Kirishima asked.

“Okay, fair enough,” Sero agreed.

“Hey, are we done yet?” Bakugou asked, “they backed up my story to the letter, I didn’t fucking lie to you, we’re done here, and we kind of have a situation to deal with.”

Bakugou made a gesture towards their immobilized attackers and met Yaoyorozu’s eyes with a glare. The princess hummed unwillingly, there were still many questions unanswered, but she had a feeling that she could stand there with the Explodokills crew for fifty years and still not get any more answers than she had already received.

“Very well,” she at last nodded her approval, “I will let you all go to deal with your situation, but do not expect this to be the last you see of me, I still have questions, and I will get answers.”

Bakugou actually laughed at her challenge, “sure you will Ponytail, I’m afraid that you aren’t going to get another word out of any of us.”

“You might be able to get one out of me! All I’m asking for is a kiss and a drink!” Ashido said.

“Shut the fuck up, don’t lie, you wouldn’t actually say anything, would you?” Bakugou asked. And even though he didn’t say a word beyond that, the look in his glare clearly screamed: “if you say that you would, I will end your pitiful existence with my bare hands.”

“No,” Ashido decided.

“I'm afraid that you aren't exactly my type anyways,” the princess sighed.

"Damnit!"

“I apologize for their uncooperativeness, your highness, I wish there was more that I could do, but if Bakugou’s decided not to talk, there’s no changing his mind, still, I would be happy to escort you back to your ship,” Jirou volunteered with a bow.

“You’ve already been an enormous help, and that would be delightful, but I’m afraid that we have to make a stop before returning to my ship,” the princess said.

“I would be honoured to accompany you anywhere,” Jirou said.

“Good, because you promised me lunch,” Yaoyorozu reminded her with that beautiful million-dollar smile of hers again.

“You really still want to do that?” Jirou asked.

“Of course I do,” Yaoyorozu assured, “while some of yours friends have proven to be… interesting company, you’ve been nothing short of pleasant during this entire endeavour, I would be delighted to get to know you better.”

“Really? Even after I introduced you to— I mean, I would be honoured to join you,” Jirou agreed, offering her arm to the princess.

“Hey Ears! You’re glowing!” Bakugou told her.

“Yeah! Get it Kyouka!” Ashido shouted after them.

Jirou flipped the cidea girl off before quickly escorting the princess from the food court with her antennae flaming.

“We’re following them, aren’t we,” Sero lamented, not even needing to phrase it as a question.

“Obviously, come on!” Ashido eagerly agreed, grabbing Kirishima by the arm.

Chapter Text

Princess Yaoyorozu chose a restaurant that Jirou knew she couldn’t afford, but for one afternoon alone with her, Jirou was sure the crippling debt would be worth it.

“Your highness, I’m very sorry about the behaviour of Bakugou and his friends, especially Bakugou himself, and Ashido and Kaminari, they’re relatively harmless and almost decent people when you get to know them, I promise,” Jirou swore.

“Miss Jirou, it’s alright,” the princess said and placed a comforting hand over Jirou’s across the table which made the nebriian girl’s pulse come to a halt for only a second, “although I’ll admit that I was a little offset by their advances, I’m not offended, and I still want to spend this time with you.”

“You-your words flatter me too greatly, princess,” Jirou said, nervously ducking her head and gently twirling one antennae around her finger.

“Please, call me Yaomomo,” Yaoyorozu requested.

“Yaomomo?” Jirou repeated.

“Do you like it? I’ve been trying to come up with a nickname that would suit me since I was a little girl, I just haven’t had much of a chance for many people to use it before,” the princess confessed with a quiet chuckle.

“I love it!” Jirou decided, “it’s adorable, it suits you perfectly!”

“Do you really think so?”

“Yes! And you can call me Kyouka if you want,” Jirou suggested, “I don’t have a nickname, unless you count Bakugou calling me ‘Ears’, but if you want you can use my first name!”

Yaoyorozu smiled that billion dollar smile of hers, “thank you, I would like that, Kyouka, you’re actually going to be the first person to use that nickname, though, I did try to convince a close friend of mine to use it before, but he isn’t really the nickname type.”

“A friend?” Jirou wondered, she thought she might have seen something in Yaoyorozu’s face when she mentioned this ‘friend’ of hers, “are you um, close with him?”

“I thought we were, he’s the prince of another planet, I guess I would have called him my best friend once, but we’ve fallen out of contact lately, the last time I heard from him was barely more than a paragraph after years of silence an then he disappeared again,” Yaoyorozu confessed.

“No warning or anything? He just up and stopped talking to you?” Jirou asked.

Yaoyorozu nodded, “I don’t know what happened, he just disappeared one day, he doesn’t answer my calls or my letters, I don’t know if I did something wrong or if he just got sick of me but… oh, I’m sorry, I’m sure you don’t want to be hearing about my silly problems”

“No, I don’t mind at all, but, no offence intended, this friend of yours sounds like a bit of an asshole,” Jirou said.

“What?”

“You see, this is why I can’t stand guys, I mean, who would ever want to stop talking to someone like you? And not saying anything to explain himself? I’m sorry, but that’s a total dick move,” Jirou explained.

“I’m sure he had his reasons,” Yaomomo insisted.

“I don’t care what his reasons were, abandoning you without saying anything? Not even a breakup text? If I met this ‘friend’ of yours, I would be all too happy to punch him in the damn face and give him a piece of my mind, hurting a beautiful girl’s feelings is the worst thing a man can do, no, forget ‘man’, I would be willing to fight anyone who made you upset,” Jirou said.

Yaoyorozu stared for a moment, then she began to giggle. It was a timid laugh hidden behind her hand and mainly expressed through the shuddering of her shoulders. It was beautiful.

“I-I’m sorry, your highness, I got a little carried away,” Jirou hunched her shoulders in embarrassment.

“Please, I told you to call me Yaomomo, it’s alright, I’m actually glad that you could let down your guard a little and talk to me so familiarly,” Yaoyorozu confessed.

“Still, I shouldn’t have insulted your friend like that, I don’t even know him.”

“It’s fine, although I wouldn’t recommend fighting him, he’s one of the most capable fighters I’ve ever met.”

“I would be willing to try,” Jirou said.

“Please don’t, I don’t want my date and my friend to fight,” Yaoyorozu said.

“D-date?” Jirou echoed.

“Of course, I wouldn’t be treating just any girl to a place like this,” Yaoyorozu pointed out.

“But- I- you really don’t have to treat me Yaomomo,” Jirou insisted.

“I won’t stand for it,” the princess insisted, “please, your company and wit are more than enough to repay me.”

“But what about your friend?”

“What about him? I’ll admit that we did date for a month or so when we were younger, but we broke up when we both came to terms with our homosexuality ages ago.”

Jirou scowled at the flaming antennae cutting off the circulation in her finger, “I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions, but still, if you’ll excuse me asking your- I mean, Yaomomo, it isn’t that I doubt your judgement or anything, but why me?”

“I think it’s because I liked the way you looked at me for the very first time,” the princess hummed.

“How did I look at you?” Jirou asked.

“It was like you weren’t looking at me as ‘princess Yaoyorozu Momo, heir to Creati the most powerful planet in the intergalactic coalition’ but just as the ‘Yaomomo’ that I always wanted to be, and like that was enough to be worth something,” Yaoyorozu explained, “and if you could make me feel like that with just the first look, how could I resist when your friend gave me the perfect opportunity to ask you on a date? Not to mention, a beautiful girl who shoots at a boy threatening to flirt with her is incredibly attractive.”

“I-I do think of you that way!” Jirou quickly announced, “princess or no princess, you’re the smartest, most beautiful, most incredible girl that I’ve ever laid eyes on in all my life!”

“And why do you say that?” Yaoyorozu asked.

“Why? Because everything about you is just so amazing! From the moment you first stepped off your ship you were practically glowing with elegance and you managed put Bakugou in his place a couple of times, that takes both guts and wit, and have you seen the way that you smile?” Jirou wondered.

Yaoyorozu giggled sheepishly at the barrage of compliments, “I’m afraid that I haven’t."

“It’s the most beautiful thing in the entire universe,” Jirou said.

There was that trillion dollar smile again, “I’m actually kind of amazed that you could come up with more than just ‘beautiful’.”

“I could keep going if you wanted me to.”

“Please don’t! I would feel bad if we just talked about me this whole time, tell me something about yourself,” the princess suggested.

“Me? I don’t know about that, I work in an office, my life isn’t exactly a thrill,” Jirou confessed.

“I’m sure that can’t be true, I’ve met your friends, remember? To be a part of such a colourful group, you must have some entertaining stories about yourself too,” Yaoyorozu insisted.

“Well, what do you want to know?” Jirou asked.

“I don’t know, tell me how you started working here?” Yaoyorozu decided.

“Oh jeez, do you really want to hear that story? Kaminari’s in it, a lot,” Jirou warned.

“All the better, tell me everything,” Yaoyorozu demanded, leaning forwards on her elbows with interest.

It wasn’t really that interesting of a story. Just a fun little tale about a couple of kids dreaming about space. She worked hard, she went to a good school, she got an internship at the guild which led to a job and she settled. Her office lifestyle might not be as exciting as she had planned when she was younger, but it was stable, and she was happy. Although sometimes she had to admit she got jealous of Kaminari for living the bounty-hunter life they had always dreamed of. Yaomomo hung off of every word like she was a young child being told the single greatest bedtime story in existence.

The waiter came, then their food came, then dessert and the two of them kept talking. Yaoyorozu liked books. Jirou liked music. Yaoyorozu didn’t like tomatoes. Jirou had some very passionate opinions on the colour orange. Yaoyorozu wanted to see her again, Jirou would pay for the next date.

 

“What are they talking about?”

“Shut up! I can’t hear them!"

“Ow! Watch it! That’s my foot!”

“Okay, I know that she said my name that time!”

From another table not too far off, behind a wall of menus most of the Explodokills crew was trying to be stealthy. Bakugou had told them that it was stupid and gone to deal with their attacker situation by himself when Ashido tried to drag him along. So the four of them peered at the pair of happily chattering girls from behind their menus, which they had looked at for about five seconds before Kaminari burst into tears upon seeing so many numbers. They ordered four glasses of water and breadsticks, which was enough to leave all four of them half-bankrupt.

“I can’t believe that Jirou’s getting a girlfriend before I get a boyfriend,” Kirishima lamented, tearing apart and playing with the breadstick in his hand because he couldn’t actually eat it..

“And I can’t believe she’s getting a girlfriend before I do! Now shut up! You’re messing up my spying!” Ashido ordered.

“I can believe it,” Kaminari said, Ashido smacked him upside the head with a loud shush.

“Guys, she’s going to hear you,” Sero warned.

“Only if you keep talking!” Ashido snapped.

“Seriously! I mean, I’m happy for her and she deserves this and all but what the hell! She’s known this girl for less than a day and she’s got a date! I’ve known Bakugou for three years now and he barely knows my name!” Kirishima whined.

“I think we’ve lost him, he’s gone full gay on us,” Kaminari said, snapping his fingers next to his friend’s head. Kirishima just kept shredding the breadstick.

“Yeah, that might be an issue with your taste in men,” Sero observed.

“Hey, Bakugou’s a great guy, he’s so manly and tough and cool and attractive and smart and talented, he would be perfect if he wasn’t so damn hard to approach!” Kirishima groaned.

“If nothing else I’ll confirm that he’s attractive,” Kaminari said.

“When he doesn’t look like he’s ready to tear your throat out he is,” Sero added.

“True,” Kaminari agreed.

“And he is technically smart, and tough,” Sero pointed out.

“Yeah, I guess so, damn, Kirishima, you might be on to something, if you can ignore his personality, Bakugou is kind of the perfect dream guy,” Kaminari realized.

“Back off, I called dibs before you even met him,” Kirishima scowled.

“Dude, do you honestly think that I could date a guy like Bakugou?” Kaminari asked.

“No one can date a guy like Bakugou! He is literally impossible to ask out!”

“Have you considered maybe just asking him out?”

“I’m sorry, did I ask for your sass?”

“Guys, shut up, I’m trying to listen!” Ashido hissed.

“Why does getting a boyfriend have to be so hard?” Kirishima wondered, throwing a sad handful of expensive breadstick confetti at his friend sitting across the table.

“Come on, it is not that hard, you’re just making it difficult for yourself, if you just asked him out I guarantee that he would say yes,” Kaminari said, beginning to eat the crumbled breadstick remains without missing a beat.

“Oh yeah? Well if you’re such an expert then how come you don’t have a boyfriend?” Kirishima challenged.

“I could get a boyfriend whenever I wanted to!” Kaminari announced.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah!”

“Prove it.”

“Fine! I will!” Kaminari abandoned the breadcrumbs and turned to the boy sitting next to him, “hey, Sero?”

“Yeah?” Sero said.

“Do you want to be my boyfriend?” Kaminari asked.

Sero shrugged, “sure.”

“Nice,” the two of them fist-bumped to make it official and then Sero threw an arm around his new boyfriend’s shoulder, while Kaminari smugly reported, “I just got a boyfriend.”

“That doesn’t count!” Kirishima groaned.

Kaminari fake-gasped, “I cannot believe that my best bro does not believe that my boyfriend is the real deal, babe, can you believe this?”

“How could you Kirishima, we are deeply committed to each other,” Sero said and he quickly pecked a kiss on Kaminari’s cheek to prove it.

“My boyfriend,” Kaminari said, and he maintained a straight face up to the count of three before his face broke out into a grin, his antennae began to glow and he emitted a high pitched sound like a kettle boiling.

“Congratulations, you’ve created the dumbest couple in the galaxy, now shut up so I can hear the date!” Ashido ordered.

“Great, even Kaminari found someone to put up with him! I’m going to die a sad lonely gay, aren’t I?” Kirishima mourned.

“Okay, that’s a big mood, but shut the fuck up!” Ashido snapped.

“What’s that supposed to mean? ‘Even Kaminari’!” Kaminari demanded.

“It’s alright, I still love you,” Sero said.

“Aw, thanks babe,” Kaminari grinned.

“Can you two not? I’m trying to watch Jirou’s date, not whatever the fuck is going on with you two!” Ashido snapped.

“Oh, Ashido! They’re standing up to leave!” Sero pointed out.

“What?” Ashido shrieked.

“Shh!” Kaminari whispered.

“Shut up, come on! After them!” Ashido ordered and led the rest of her team through the corridors.

They watched and strained to hear as Jirou and Yaoyorozu kept talking animatedly all the way until they reached the ship. The shorter girl was shy in delivering a light farewell kiss to on the princess’ knuckles, which the princess returned with a kiss on her cheek, and then she was gone.

Jirou turned around with a lovestruck sigh to witness her friends all failing to hide behind the same plant. But her smile hardly flickered.

“What are you idiots doing back there?” She asked.

“Uh, definitely not spying on your date?” Ashido said, rising to her feet and brushing the dust off her knees.

“How did it go? Is she your girlfriend now?” Kaminari wondered.

“It went really well, we talked about ourselves and I think we really hit it off, we haven’t decided if we’re going to officially ‘date’ yet, but her ship doesn’t leave for a couple more days, so I’m taking her out again tomorrow evening,” Jirou confessed with a smile smile while she twisted her shining antennae around her finger.

“Fuck yeah! That means technically I got a boyfriend before Jirou got a girlfriend!” Kaminari cheered.

“You did what?”

Sero placed his chin on top of Kaminari’s head and dangled his arms around his new boyfriend’s shoulders to hug him from behind, “it’s super serious,” he reported.

“I think that might be the worst news I’ve ever heard in my entire life,” Jirou said.

“You’re just jealous because you technically still don’t have a girlfriend,” Kaminari taunted.

“Maybe she isn’t my girlfriend yet, but I’m dating a princess, why would I be jealous of you?” Jirou wondered.

“Damn, she’s got you there,” Sero said.

“Babe, don’t side with the enemy!”

“Sorry Kami.” Sero delivered a kiss to the top of Kaminari’s head to make up for his betrayal.

“I’m still lonely, just in case you were wondering,” Kirishima announced.

“Ignore them, they aren’t being serious, well, except for Kirishima, he’s actually still single,” Ashido said, waving her friends off when they began to sputter protests, “now tell me exactly what happened in excruciating detail! It was so hard to hear you over these idiots.”

Jirou sighed into her hand, there was no way she was going to shake them without giving them answers, “alright, well, you know how I’m gay, right?”

“Obviously.”

“Yeah, now I’m super gay, I’m an all new breed of supreme gay, I’ve surpassed Kirishima on the gayness spectrum, however gay Kirishima is for Bakugou is about a tenth of how gay I am for Yaomomo,” Jirou said. The four Explodokills spies were so blown away trying to calculate exactly how gay that would be, they didn’t even notice the people approaching them.

“Damn, that’s gay,” Sero observed,

"It's fake news, since no one can out-gay me, but still, that sounds pretty gay," Kirishima agreed.

Kaminari nodded, clearly impressed, "wow, all hail the queen of the lesbians."

“Are you talking about me, kero?”