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That's My Girl (Do not go near her, or else)

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“Goddamn, but this place is the shit!” Bonnie exclaimed, feeling highly impressed by the sleek, modern look of the Auradon Prep Commons. “I don’t think I’ve ever breathed in air that didn’t reek at least a little.”

“I was wondering what that smell was,” Jonas admitted, slinging his arm around Bonnie.

“It’s the smell of cleanliness, brother dear,” Desiree grinned back at her brother as she skipped ahead. “No garbage, or alcohol, or used con— Hey, it’s Claudine!”

“Where?” Bonnie craned her neck. (Curse her short stature!)

“Over there, by that couch,” Jonas pointed out.

 Claudine was sitting by herself on one of the pristinely white couches, flipping through her textbook with an expression that suggested that the book had personally offended her.

“Oh yeah, there’s our girl,” Bonnie said affectionately. “But who’s that sitting in front of her . . . oh fuck.”

Desiree had gone stock-still, her eyes focused on Mal sitting down on the couch in front of Claudine and attempting to make conversation with her. The set of Claudine’s shoulders was tense and she was looking down at the floor like a scolded puppy.

Bonnie wanted to grab Claudine and hightail it out of the Commons, but a muscle was starting to twitch in Desiree’s jaw, and everyone knew what that meant.

Hurricane Desiree was about to storm into town.

She and Jonas jumped in front of Desiree.


“Come on Des, look at me, don’t do anything stupid—”

“I’m not going to do anything stupid,” Desiree said in a measured tone as she reached up and pulled off her earrings. “I’m just going to go over there and have a talk with the brand new lady of the court.”

“Don’t you need your earrings for that though?” Jonas was starting to look panicked now, and Bonnie couldn’t blame him. Nothing good was going to come out of this.

“It’s really not necessary that you have a talk, I think a card would do just as well— DES!”


But Desiree was already striding over to the white couches. As she passed by a student holding a bottle of soda, she casually grabbed the bottle out of the student’s hand and smashed it against a nearby railing.

Mal glanced up, and her eyes went wide as Hurricane Desiree stormed towards her, Bonnie and Jonas scrambling after her. Desiree’s stride didn’t falter for a second as she pointed the sharp shard of the bottle at Mal, eyes glowing with fury.

“Little bitch!” Desiree yelled, brandishing the bottle shard like a knife.

“What the fuck?” Mal yelled, standing up. Across from her, Claudine looked as though she wasn’t sure whether to run away or stay and watch.

“Don’t you play with me you little brat, I will end you. You leave Claudine alone, you hear me, you stupid pastel-princess wannabe? Or I will set you on fire.”

Mal’s eyes glowed a dangerous shade of green, but before she could do anything, a timid but strong voice demanded; “Is there something wrong here?”

Desiree spun around. “Actually, yes there is, little Miss—” she paused and eyed Jane critically. “Who the fuck are you?”

Jane drew herself up to her full height and gave Desiree a stern look. “Jane. I’m Fairy Godmother’s daughter.”

“What?” Desiree stared at her incredulously, and then glowered at Mal. “Bitch, you got Fairy Godmother’s kid defending you now? Is this because of some voodoo magic bullshit that you found in your mom’s spellbook? Does she have you under some sort of enchantment, little girl? Blink twice for yes!”

She glared murderously down at Mal. “Admit it; you got all these people under some sort of spell!”

At this point, Bonnie was frozen in horror, Jonas was sniggering but also waiting for the perfect moment to tackle his sister and drag her away, and Claudine was torn between laughing and wanting to sink into the ground.

“I do not have anyone under any spells!” Mal shouted, her skin flushing red.

“Why would you think that?” Jane asked, looking horrified at the thought of such a misuse of magic from her friend.

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe because she’s Maleficent’s daughter,” Desiree said caustically, her tone dripping with sarcasm. “‘Cause you know what? Your friend is disgusting. She’s a nasty little bitch. Her whole bloodline is full of pasty-ass, disgusting lizards—”

“Alright, that’s enough.” Jonas came up from behind Desiree and started to drag her away.

“She’s going to burn in hell for the wrongs she did,” Desiree snarled from over Jonas’s shoulder to a terrified-looking Jane. “She’s gonna burn, along with those ugly-ass bangs and cheap dye job—”

“Okay, I think they get the point now, honey.” Bonnie sighed and looked down at Claudine, who had her knuckles pressed to her mouth. “Let’s go.”

Claudine stood up from the couch and slung her bag over her shoulder. Then she looked at Jane and said in a cool voice. “If Mal ever comes near me again, I’m reporting her for harassment.”

Mal looked outraged and Jane gaped at her as Claudine gave them a mirthless smile and left the room, her black skirt swishing the floor.

Bonnie glanced at them and shrugged. “I think that pretty much sums it up,” she said, before turning her back on the two girls and walking out of the room as well.



“Is it just me, or are they staring at us even more than usual?” Uma asked, cutting her eyes towards a group of students who had been whispering, but now paled and fled in all directions.

“Who can blame them?” Harry replied with a smirk. “We are rather stunning, if I do say so meself.”

“Oh, shut up,” Uma teased. “But I’m serious; before they were just staring and pointing. Now they’re literally running away from us.”

“Good,” Harry said indifferently, flashing a menacing smile at a group of quaking first years.

“Well, yeah, great, I don’t like people, but why? Hey you,” she called out to a gangly boy with a phone who had been gaping at her, but now looked utterly petrified. “What’s with the staring?”

The boy swallowed nervously, his eyes fixed on Harry’s glower. “U-um, it might have something to do w-with the v-video—”

“What video?” Uma demanded. It wasn’t even lunch yet, how had her crew managed to fuck up in such a short amount of time?

Then again, who was she really kidding?

“S-see, it’s right here—”

Harry snatched the phone out of the boy’s hands and pressed on the link.

The video had obviously been shot from a phone, but the footage was clear, and any idiot could see Desiree going berserk on Mal while Jonas tried not to laugh and Bonnie face-palmed in the background.

It occurred to Harry that if he wasn’t so devoted to Uma, and if Desiree didn’t have a girlfriend, that he would have proposed to her on the spot after watching this video. Hell, he was probably still going to offer to buy her dinner, because that had been the most fucking satisfying thing he had ever seen.

He turned to grin at Uma, but the captain was staring at the phone, a peculiar expression on her face.

“Uma?” The grin slipped off Harry’s face. He had never seen that expression on her face before, and it was starting to unnerve him.

The sound of her name seemed to snap Uma out of her trance and she rounded on the boy. “Which way is the Grimaldi Suite?”

“U-up the stairs and to the e-east wing—”

Uma didn’t even wait for the boy to finish before she was marching up the stairs, the beads in her hair clicking dangerously,

Harry shoved the phone back into the boy’s hands and took off after his captain. “Uma!”

Uma’s stride didn’t slow, but Harry had longer legs, and so he caught up to her easily. “Where’re ye going?”

“To visit my cousin,” Uma replied calmly, reaching the top of the stairs and turning right.

“Are ye sure that’s a good idea?”

She stopped and whirled around to face him. “Are you going to stop me?”

He considered her and grinned. “Of course not, luv.”

She smirked up at him. “Good.” Then she continued down the hallway until they reached a room with a piece of paper stuck on the door labeled Desiree and Bonnie invite you to fuck off! in Bonnie’s distinctive handwriting.

Uma barged into the room without knocking, as was the Isle custom, Harry following closely on her heels.

Desiree was sprawled across her bed, earbuds trailing out of her ears. Bonnie and Jonas were curled up on the other bed, while Claudine was sitting cross-legged on the floor and reading a textbook.

Uma stormed up to Desiree and yanked her earbuds out. “What the hell were you thinking?”

“Hey Uma, what’s up?” Desiree asked casually. Harry had to admire her composure under Uma’s seething; he had seen battle-hardened men burst into tears under Uma’s scrutiny.

“Don’t play stupid with me Des, I saw the video.”

Desiree winced. “Yeah, that video is kind of misleading – you know, they didn’t even get my good side—”

“Are you fucking with me right now?”

“Don’t blame Desiree, Uma,” Claudine spoke up, giving her captain a beseeching look. “She was just trying to get Mal to leave me alone.”

Uma sighed. “That may be so, but—”

“Yeah,” Bonnie agreed from her position on Jonas’s chest. “I was going to drag her away before Hurricane Desiree showed up—”

“Dude, you’re not helping as much as you think you are,” Jonas whispered to Bonnie as Harry snickered at them.

“You’re a fine one to talk about helping!” Uma snapped at Jonas, who gave her a lazy look of offense. “Why didn’t you intervene sooner?”

“Honestly? I wanted to see what would happen.” Jonas replied unabashedly.

Uma let out a frustrated shriek and buried her face in her hands. Harry tried hard not to let his smirk show on his face, and instead drew her close, fingers stroking her braids. “There, there,” he teased.

“Oh come on,” Desiree protested. “It’s not like I got in any real trouble or anything. Fairy Godmother just told me to stay in my room until dinner and that I would have a ‘talk’ with someone tomorrow.”

“You still shouldn’t have done anything though,” Uma groaned out from between her hands.

“Oh, like you wouldn’t have done the exact same thing,” Desiree fired back.

“I wouldn’t have!” Uma retorted.

Harry let out a snort, Bonnie rolled her eyes at Claudine, and Jonas laughed out loud. “You’re funny, little cousin.”

“Fuck off!”

“Darling, you know you wouldn’t have been able to stop yourself,” Harry smirked at Uma.

Uma was trying to keep a sulky look on her face, but her lips kept twitching upwards.

“Besides, it was also the funniest thing you’ve ever seen,” Claudine gently prodded, a grin lighting up her face.

Uma sighed and then laughed. “You’re right,” she admitted, as Jonas hooted and Harry and Bonnie cracked up. “It was the best thing I’ve ever seen, and I’m mostly pissed off about the fact that I didn’t get to see you smash that bottle in Mal’s face.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I was thinking of you the entire time,” Desiree replied, a mischievous gleam in her eyes.

“Really?” Uma batted her eyelashes at Desiree and the entire room burst out laughing.

Just then, Gil burst through the door, panting from having run straight from his class to Desiree’s room. “Des, dude, you’re famous!”

“I cannot believe you attacked her, and I was in motherfucking Literature class,” Ashe pouted as she and Sierra walked into the room.

“Why didn’t you call us?” Gonzo demanded as he threw himself on a spare chair while Murph leaned against a window. “We could’ve passed it off as a group bonding exercise or some Auradonian shit.”

“True,” Gil agreed, sitting down next to Claudine. “I had to find out over the Interweb like everyone else – I thought we were friends, Desiree.”

“Babe, that was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen,” Marya chimed in, grinning sultrily at Desiree as she entered the room.

Desiree grinned back at her. “Does this mean I’m getting the good loving tonight?”

“Absolutely! I’ll even play the video while we do it.” Marya replied with a cheerful smirk.

Uma gagged, Gonzo covered Claudine’s ears, and Jonas groaned out, “Dude, that’s my sister.”