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Lullaby

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Yoongi’s love for Hoseok was a quiet melody. Gentle, bright, and growing with each day. Sometimes Yoongi would tap an idea of it into his piano. Careful and light. Just a piece of the soft dance his heart did whenever Hoseok so much as smiled. A ray of the radiant sunshine that Hoseok gave out, processed through Yoongi’s heart and reflected onto the piano through his fingers. He would sometimes get up early, at least by his own standards, when the sunrise filtered in through the living room windows, and pad to the piano. The sun-warmed hardwood floor glowed, reflecting the morning light and warming his bare feet. A peaceful world surrounded Yoongi as he played the first few notes of his song, Hoseok’s song. His pale fingers caught the sunlight, that same sunlight that reminded him of Hoseok. It felt a little like when they held hands, although right now Yoongi’s heart was beating at a resting pace.
Yoongi played long into the morning, spurred by the warm hug of the growing warmth that spread across his back. When it came to Hoseok, his inspiration seemed to pour forth endlessly. After what must have been too long sitting at the piano, Yoongi’s stomach grumbled. He sighed, feeling as though he’d emptied all the weight inside him here and left it, and pushed himself up.
Just as Yoongi was making his way towards the boiling kettle, the familiar sound of somebody unlocking (and bursting through) the front door set him for a course in the opposite direction. Yoongi paused in the kitchen doorway to admire Hoseok as he did the same to Yoongi, setting down a handful of plastic bags before running enthusiastically into the elder boy’s arms. Hoseok had only been gone for a day and a half, but a chorus of whispers of “I missed you” were repeated between the two boys.
“What did you bring?” Yoongi asked into Hoseok’s chest. Hoseok pulled back to smile down at him, opening his mouth, glancing down at Yoong’s lips, then hesitating.
“Just some groceries.” Yoongi was already making his way to the bags, lugging them up onto the kitchen island.
“Apples, sugar, flour… lard? Hoseok?” Yoongi looked back at the younger, who raised his eyebrows. “This is all stuff for a pie?” He nodded, helping empty the bags.
“Was wondering if you wanted to make one today.” He looked away, hoping a blush wasn’t obvious on his cheeks. Baking with Hoseok was Yoongi’s favourite, and he knew it.
“Of course! What’s the special occasion?” Yoongi teased, but Hoseok’s face became serious.
“I want you to know that you’re important to me,” he said earnestly. “No matter what happens, I’ll always- you’ll always be special to me, Yoongi.”
“Okay…” Yoongi started, taken aback.
“No matter what.” He looked like he was going to say more, but decided against it.
“Stop being so sappy all of a sudden,” Yoongi said, poking him in the side. “Did you do something terrible? You’re worrying me,” he joked, but Hoseok’s eyes were resting on the kitchen island with a weighted expression. “Seriously, lighten up!” Yoongi looked up to try to meet his gaze. “...Hoseok? Sunshine?” Hoseok shook his head, looking back down at Yoongi, a smile quickly appearing across his lips.
“Sorry. Just got a little. Distracted.” Yoongi laughed at this, wrapping his arms around Hoseok’s waist and pulling him close. Hoseok raised a hand to carefully brush Yoongi’s bangs to the side, pressing a kiss to his forehead. Giving Yoongi forehead kisses was one of Hoseok’s favourite moves, and even if Yoongi didn’t really get why, he wasn’t complaining.
“It’s alright, Hobi. You wanna make this pie?”
And so they did, and it was like every other time the two baked together, yet something was different. Hoseok kept trying to make a point to tell Yoongi how much he meant to him, and it was frankly unnerving Yoongi. ‘I just care about you. So, so much,’ he would say as Yoongi rolled out the dough. ‘It makes me so happy to see you smile’ as they cut and peeled apples. ‘I would never hurt you unless I had to’ had to be the one that unsettled Yoongi the most. At that comment, he set down his spoon, a laugh threatening to escape him as he turned to Hoseok. His expression was earnest, Yoongi wouldn’t question whatever had gotten into Hoseok this time. So all he responded was a whispered ‘I know, Sunshine,’ as he brought Hoseok into a hug, one that Hoseok didn’t let go of for longer than usual.
“Hey,” Yoongi said quietly. “You ok?” Hoseok drank in his features like he was deprived.
This was going to be even harder than Hoseok had thought.

Because, you see, Yoongi’s love for Hoseok was a melody, while Hoseok’s love for Yoongi was a lullaby. Warm, comforting, but doomed to end from the start. After all, the only reason a lullaby is sung is to put someone at ease. Made to end once it satisfied the other, that was its purpose. No matter how hard Hoseok tried to please Yoongi, wanting so desperately to make him happy, it wasn’t enough. Could never be enough. Hoseok couldn't sing the lullaby all night. And he knew that, that no matter how much effort Hoseok put in for Yoongi’s sake, it would only end with Yoongi getting hurt. Being hurt at Hoseok’s hand. All Hoseok wanted was Yoongi’s beautiful smile, his laugh, his happiness. But you can’t force yourself to fall in love with somebody. When the time came, Yoongi would know pain that Hoseok could only imagine, and whose fault would that be?
The same person who currently trailed Yoongi along; that was whose fault it would be. What the fuck did Hoseok think he was doing, leading Yoongi on like this? What sick enjoyment did he get from watching the wonder and, fuck, the pure, vulnerable love in Yoongi’s eyes for him? It was all for Hoseok, all of it, and he knew it. All Hoseok did was take it, again and again, trying his hardest to give some in return. It never worked.

Goodnight, my dear
You have me close
Tonight I'm here
Tomorrow is different.

A distant train passed the sleeping city. The house still smelled like the pies, long put away in Yoongi’s fridge. The last time they'd ever make something together, the bitter thought occurred to Hoseok. Shaking, he rose to his forearms, careful not to wake Yoongi. He was growing far too attached to him. He couldn’t fake things like this anymore. Yoongi and Hoseok were best friends. Best friends weren’t supposed to be in love with each other anyway. Extracting his limbs from Yoongi’s was a struggle, both from the oblivious sleeping boy’s iron grip and the knowledge that this was the last time Hoseok would feel Yoongi’s embrace. So full of the love he didn’t deserve, or return. Clenching his jaw, Hoseok took Yoongi’s wrist, brushing it off of his shoulder, breaking the final physical connection. The whimper that Yoongi let out was pitiful, as he struggled to bring the warmth back. Like he knew, somehow he knew what Hoseok had been trying to do ever since he’d realized he was in too deep. For a moment Hoseok froze, hoping he hadn’t woken the other. Yoongi didn’t stir beyond that, though, only curled in on himself, sighing like a lost child who had given up. Tears brimmed in Hoseok’s eyes. Yoongi had a few more hours before he would realize what Hoseok had done. He pulled the duvet up to Yoongi’s chin. Yoongi didn’t deserve this, he didn’t. Hoseok hated himself for doing this to someone who had trusted him. He knew he had to walk away, to end this now, but something kept him standing here, silent tears running down his cheeks as he tried to bid goodbye. Hoseok couldn’t help but lean down and brush Yoongi’s hair aside, repeating the act one final time, and pressing a kiss to his forehead. His lips trembled as he pulled away.
“Shhh,” he carded his fingers through Yoongi’s hair when he squirmed. Hoseok didn’t love Yoongi, he didn’t. So why was it so hard to walk away? He’d let himself get too attached. That was all. He drew back before any tears could splash onto Yoongi’s skin.
Hoseok softly hummed Yoongi a lullaby.

For what I do
I'm so so sorry
Someone will love you

But someone isn't me.