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my smile (is extinct)

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When Bodhi had first met Jyn and Cassian, they'd been hip deep in the shit, stealing stuff from Imperial and almost dying for it. Bodhi was in the shit because of Baze and Chirrut, the worst crime bosses the world had ever seen. A dishonorable discharge from Imperial had meant that he didn't get so much as a kiss on the cheek or someone to make sure the door didn’t hit him on the way out, so to make ends meet, he'd taken to crime. It was not a natural fit, but Bodhi only needed to drive.

Both Jyn and Cassian had drive and ideals, Bodhi needed to work so he could eat. It was really that simple, although the more he hung out the rest of them, the less simple it seemed.

Cassian was with Jyn, which meant he was deeply fucked, but probably enjoying it more than Bodhi was. Jyn was like that -- maybe with a shower and blowout, she'd look like the pretty, petite woman she obviously was, but that didn't matter. She was rumpled and charismatic, with a compelling, thousand mile glare that cut through you as effortlessly as an x-ray, picking at your bones.

Bodhi thought he could have easily fallen in love with Jyn if not for his sexuality and also everything else. As it was, he probably could’ve transferred his affections to Cassian (Cassian was so hot that it was almost offensive, and had a sense of humor that was drier than the Mojave) except even then he and Jyn were a package deal and Bodhi wasn't too good at sharing.

Also, he kind of had a boyfriend, although it was possible that Galen didn't consider himself that.

Galen was Jyn’s dad, which Bodhi hadn't known that when they were fucking. Well, he hadn't known Jyn at the time, after all. He also hadn't known Galen had any family, and it wasn't like Galen had offered this kind of a information -- or really, any kind of information -- when they were hooking up. And Bodhi understood why -- Galen was a bigshot scientist, who worked in Eadu Base, which Bodhi had regularly flew in and out of -- when he'd still flown.

They’re hooked up almost accidentally -- well, it wasn’t like Bodhi had fallen ass-first onto Galen’s big dick, that was definitely not how it happened -- but one of the scientists had retired. There was beaker-brewed moonshine and one thing led to another and Bodhi had found himself in Galen Erso’s quarters, getting sucked off by the great man himself.

Galen was -- kind. He didn’t particularly look it (in fact, he had once been described at looking like a gentleman child-strangler by the newspaper of record -- in an expose of Imperial’s top secret child-strangling weapons no less), but it was soothing to be with him. He listened to Bodhi’s problems and suggested good solutions.

The fact that he was a famous -- or an infamous, depending on who you asked -- scientist almost didn’t seem to matter. Galen had almost won the Nobel Prize for Physics on his work with kyber crystals, but that was before he’d joined Imperial Logistics & Research.

No matter how tangled up Bodhi’s feelings were for him, he was nothing like Bodhi’s real dad. Bodhi’s dad had come to this country thirty-years ago and had brought with him an inexhaustible love for Sally Field and vintage surf movies -- which was why he’d named his son Bodhi instead of the intended Bahadur. His parents had divorced when he was young and Bodhi had lost track of his mom. His father had dropped dead at the age of forty-five in front of the cash register of the 7-11 he ran with his cousin.

Bodhi had been sent to foster-care, after that, and had spent almost five years in the system before he aged out and started working for Imperial.

Imperial had taught him to fly, and he’d loved it. He’d hated everything else, but he’d loved to fly.

Galen worked for Imperial too. Of course, he and Bodhi were in vastly different rungs in the corporate ladder. But Galen had never treated Bodhi like he was less than he was. He seemed to genuinely like to spend time with Bodhi and genuinely liked to fuck him.

His hands were soft and he always smelled like metal shavings. Bodhi was probably in love with him and would’ve stayed that way except for what happened -- he’d discovered what exactly Galen had seen in him, and what Galen had sent him to.

Sometimes Bodhi would feel the slimy tendrils of the bor-gullet sliding down his throat and he would open his mouth to scream -- but nothing would come out.

“Yo,” Jyn said, breaking his reverie. “Bodhi, you spacing out like this isn’t too great for your new career as a getaway driver, you know?”

“Sorry, exposition dump,” Bodhi said absently. It was one his duties to drive Jyn around to where she wanted to go, on a mission that he only had vague ideas about. He thought she mostly wanted to free her dad, which -- damn, Jyn was a good daughter and all, but how could she be sure Galen wanted to be rescued? What was he being rescued from? Galen had a comfortable life in Eadu. Sure, he couldn’t leave the compound without Director Krennic’s express permission, but…

Jyn was staring at him. She twiddled her thumbs nervously for a moment and said, “The bor-gullet’s still bothering you?”

“Oh,” Bodhi said, grinning very widely. “It’ll never leave me.”

“Saw -- when I was living with him, we never used it,” Jyn said, hunched over. “But we knew about it.” Jyn was always cagey about Saw Gerrera, especially around Bodhi, which was unfortunate in a lot of ways. Bodhi would’ve never blamed her for what happened to him, or even for having good memories of Gerrera. He’d heard from Cassian that she’d had something of a touching reunion with Gerrera before his compound -- and along with it, Gerrera and the bor-gullet -- had been blown to Kingdom Come.

An awkward silence followed and Bodhi decided to change the subject. “You fucked Cassian yet?”

Jyn hit him on the back of his head. “That’s none of your business. Keep your eyes on the road.”

“You shouldn’t hit me,” Bodhi said, grinning. “What if I get startled and crash the car?”

“If you wreck K2, Cassian will wreck you,” Jyn said blandly.

“Scary,” Bodhi said with a slight shiver. He knew she wasn’t lying.

Jyn smiled at him from the rearview mirror. Bodhi straightened up his posture and knew that he would never, ever tell Jyn about her father. She was too important to him -- to everyone -- for her to falter. Besides, how fucking awkward would that be?

*

When Bodhi wasn’t driving the getaway car, he worked at Baze and Chirrut’s pot cafe, which was one of the few legitimate businesses the pair had between them. The Jedha Haze had been established years ago as an underground club, but after legalization, it had merged into a cafe-cum-dispensary. The place had had a lot of keepers over the years, but Baze and Chirrut owned it now.

Bodhi had just finished wrapping and labeling a batch of brownies when he heard the doorbell ring as a customer came in. It was the lull in between breakfast and lunch, when most of the college students that made up the bulk of the Jedha Haze’s customer base were either in class or still sleeping.

“I’ll be right with you,” Bodhi said, in his best customer service voice, which was only slightly irritated. He looked up to see Galen Erso standing patiently on the other side of the counter.

“Hello, Bodhi,” said Galen, with a small smile. “It’s been a long time.”

“You frog-faced motherfucker,” Bodhi said, “what the fuck are you doing here?”

“It’s nice to see you, too. Is Jyn here?” Galen took a deep breath, “I’d like to see her.”

“Oh,” Bodhi said flatly. He wasn’t disappointed, he was sure about this. But Galen gave him that look, the look Bodhi knew too well. It said: perspective, Bodhi. Like Galen was his father or something, like that was something Bodhi would be into.

Bodhi ignored the question. “How were you even allowed to leave Eadu and come here?”

Galen shrugged. “I’m presenting a paper at conference in the city, and sometimes it amuses Orson to make me believe that I control even a small portion of my own life.”

“That’s fucked up,” Bodhi said. He didn’t know if he meant Galen’s situation or the fact that he referred to Director Krennic by his first name. They stared at each other for a moment before Bodhi reached for his phone and took a photo of Galen. Galen blinked, a little bewildered. Bodhi texted the picture to Jyn, along with a message. ‘Mission accomplished: i found your dad. You owe me a million dollars and Cassian’s nudes.’

‘Hold him for me,’ was Jyn’s instant reply. ‘We’ll get there as fast as we can’ and then, ‘NO you can’t have Cassian’s nudes.’

“If Jyn’s not here, I better be heading back,” Galen said mildly, gesturing for the door. He did not move towards it.

Bodhi sighed deeply, reached out to grab Galen by the lapels, and pulled the older man towards him. The brownies went flying but he didn’t care. Either Galen was a lot lighter than he looked or he was climbing over the counter himself, because he slid into Bodhi’s arms like it was nothing. “Okay,” Galen said, “you’ve persuaded me.”

Then he kissed Bodhi, which felt simultaneously as familiar to Bodhi as his own skin, and as though he was adrift on a sea of strangeness; Bodhi wanted more. It was Galen who moved away first. He looked at Bodhi, almost shyily. “Ah. There a place where we could go…?”

“Baze and Chirrut own this place, of course there’s a place,” Bodhi said with a shaky laugh. He felt unsettled, being so near Galen again, but he wanted to hide it. He stepped past Galen and went to the front door to flip over the open sign. Outside in the sunlit street, there was not even one car that could be a unit sent to monitor Galen’s activities. But just because Bodhi couldn’t see it didn’t mean it wasn’t there.

“Bodhi,” Galen said and Bodhi took his hand and led him farther into the store. The backroom was sparsely furnished, just some shelves, a desk, a chair, and an old air mattress pushed haphazardly against the wall.

“Have you done this after me?” Bodhi asked. “Some other naive fucker who thought he loved you?” He let his jealousy show, even if it was dressed up in a smile.

“You were the first person I slept with since my wife died, fifteen year ago.”

“You didn’t answer the question,” Bodhi pointed out.

“I don’t think that’s a fair question to ask,” Galen said with a smile.

“Fine. Take off your clothes,” Bodhi said and it was astonishing how quickly Galen complied. He left his clothes folded neatly next to him and looked inquiringly over at Bodhi for new instructions. Bodhi wanted to cry but instead he turned aside so he wouldn’t have to see Galen as he pulled off his clothes, the fabric of his t-shirt getting momentarily caught in the zipper of his cheap jeans.

He nearly leapt out of his skin when Galen touched him, leaning against his back, his mouth pressed against the nape of Bodhi’s neck. Galen breathed in and sighed, “You’ve got new scars.”

“Y-yeah,” Bodhi said, trying to keep his heart rate in check.

“Show me.”

That was the thing about Galen. Being the subject of his scrutiny was intense and pleasurable and frightening. He craved it, but he knew that he’d be found wanting again. Galen’s hands were everywhere, tracing the lines made on Bodhi’s skin by the Partisans; where the bor-gullet had made him scratch away at the soft flesh of his palms.

“You’ve suffered,” Galen said softly, and brought the familiar sting of tears to Bodhi’s eyes. Bodhi sniffed, furious at himself. He was always like this, so eager for even the smallest crumb of kindness, so easily overcome. He couldn’t imagine Cassian or Jyn crying like that, so why the hell did he?

“You won’t believe me, but I missed you,” Galen said. “I love you, Bodhi. I thought I had to sacrifice what I loved for the greater good. I had to.”

Bodhi stilled. “You sent me to Saw Gerrera.”

Galen looked faintly puzzled. “Yes? I sent my daughter to Saw too.”

“But Saw didn’t torture Jyn, Papa.”

Galen wasn’t like Bodhi’s father. But he was like the sort of father Bodhi had fantasized about during his time in foster care. The kind of father who would make his kids pancakes on Saturday mornings. The kind who would built a treehouse in the backyard.

The kind who would call his daughter Stardust.

If Bodhi couldn’t have a dad like that, what was wrong with sleeping with a dad like that?

On Galen’s face, there was a look of rare devastation; like he had actually understood what he had done, and what he was at fault for. Bodhi didn’t like that look, it seemed too similar to what he saw reflected in the mirror every morning, in flashes out of the side of his eyes while driving. He didn’t want it. He didn’t want Galen to be sorry about it.

Instead, he pulled Galen down and took him into hand, never breaking eye contact. “Your eyes,” Galen said, covering them for a moment his hand. Bodhi pushed it away with a barely suppressed snarl.

“You must hate me,” Galen said with a shaky laugh.

“You asshole. You monster,” Bodhi said, “I love you.”

He pressed Galen down and fingered him open. Maybe he wasn't lying when he said he hadn't had sex since their murky first days together. He was certainly tight enough to warrant extra care and extra lube. There was a basket of condoms on the floor next to the mattress, and some lube too. May the Force Be With You (But Not STDs) said the top of their wrapper, and the lube was Jedi brand (the motto of which was: “There's always another Jedi!”)

“... Chirrut must've picked these.” Bodhi said aloud. Chirrut was a good man and a decent employer, but he was also really fond of jokes no one else would get.

Galen made a discontented noise, displeased that Bodhi’s attention had wandered. He dragged that mouth, that beautiful, repulsive mouth across Bodhi’s chest, biting gently at his nipple. Bodhi sucked in some air but it didn’t seem like it was enough. He couldn’t look away from those eyes, narrowed into slits, watching Bodhi, or that mouth, that mouth that he’d longed to twist into some expression.

“Galen, do you want me to fuck you,” Bodhi asked, panting. “Say no and I won’t -- it’ll be fine... Yeah.”

“I want you to, Bodhi,” Galen said earnestly. “I want to feel it for days.”

“Oh,” Bodhi huffed. He wiped the sweat from his forehead. “Shit, that’s really -- embarrassing. But yeah, okay.”

“Of course, I’d feel it for days anyway,” Galen continued, tone deceptively light. “I’m not as young as I used to be.”

“Urk.”

“But you like that, don’t you? Such a filthy fetish you have, Bodhi,” Galen purred. He looked extremely pleased with himself, and that look of sly amusement was so much like Jyn’s that if Bodhi had any doubt about them being related, he wouldn’t have one now.

Of course, Bodhi came right then and there, rendering their whole conversation moot.

*

“You shouldn’t leave,” Bodhi said, when he’d managed pull himself back together, after Galen had brought him off a few more times and he’d returned the favor. Galen wouldn’t stop touching him, which made him twitchy and nervous, but he didn’t want him to stop, exactly. “Jyn’s moving heaven and earth to find you and you could’ve seen her whenever.”

“It’s not that simple,” Galen began to say but Bodhi jerked away.

“Yeah, it’s never simple, right? You’d rather send us into impossible quests for your love than just having a conversation. Your love’s worthless, anyway,” Bodhi spat out. He always did find the most inconvenient time to be brittle and honest.

“You’ve changed,” Galen said thoughtfully, reaching for him once more. “I like it though.”

“Come for a fuck, stay for the tongue-lashing,” Bodhi said, giving him sideways look. They grinned at each for a moment before a sharp knock at the door interrupted their reverie.

“Hey, Bodhi!” called Jyn, muffled slightly through the glass, “there’s a line around the corner for the cafe. Are you two decent?”

“Oh, fuck,” Bodhi said. He’d completely forgotten about -- pretty much everything else.

“No,” Galen called back, and looked like he was in no particular hurry to get decent anyway.

*

What followed were a series of awkward conversations, which Bodhi luckily didn’t really have to take part in -- since he was the only one who was working. Jyn and Galen were huddled together in a corner; later, Cassian would show up with Baze and Chirrut, and then they would all have to talk seriously about how their plans to bring down Imperial had changed. How many things had changed.

But right now, through the haze of smoke, Bodhi was breathing more easily than he had for long time.