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"Sorry for being a prick." "Wait, was that a cactus pun?"

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"Yeah, Dan?"

"Is there any particular reason you bought a wooden cactus when you went to Wilkos to buy soap?"

"Ermmmm... Well it was in the clearance... For only £4!"

"That didn't mean you had to buy it though."

"And it's like a houseplant. Except I can't kill it! Cuz it's a garden ornament!"

"We don't have a garden though. We live in a flat you spork!"

"Yeah, just because it's a garden ornament, doesn't mean it has to live in a garden."

"It's wooden Phil. It can't live anywhere." Dan muttered.

"I heard that. Anyway, it was alive once, when the wood it's made from was a tree!"

"That doesn't count because it's no longer alive. Would you ever describe your wardrobe as alive? No! Because it's an inanimate object."

"Why are we even arguing about whether things made of wood are alive anyway."

"Because you bought an effing wooden cactus!"

"No swearing today Danny boy?"

"Gotta keep it PG because the lady next door complained about the loud swearing coming from our flat. Apparently she has a 3 year old who loves repeating random words he hears. Hey! Quit trying to change the subject. The least you could have done was actually buy the thing you were in the shop for as well as your stupid cactus."

"Excuse me, but Spiny doesn't appreciate being called stupid thank you very much. Besides, who needs soap anyway?"

"Us! We need soap! Because we ran out! Wait, did you seriously give that thing a name? It doesn't even look spiny. It looks like a fucking corn on the cob!"

"Language Danny. Wouldn't want that last from next door complaining again, would we?"

"Oh shut up and go buy some soap."

"As long as you don't throw Spiny out of the window whilst I'm gone!"

"I won't," Dan sulked. "But the lady from next door might," he muttered under his breath.

"I heard that, and she'd better not. If she tries I expect you to defend Spiny with your life." he said, pecking Dan's cheek for emphasis.

Dan flushed slightly. "I guess I can defend Spiny if it makes you happy."

"Good! Love you." Phil exclaimed brightly as he opened the door.

"Love you too," Dan sighed in exasperation. "You spork."

Wooden cactus.