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Fuck my life. As if I didn’t have enough bullshit to deal with, I have this to deal with now! Who the hell did I piss off to have not only Lucifer wearing the face of my baby brother, but now there’s a douche bag in camp that looks like me. I swear to God, all that is holy, Christ FUCK! I swear to whoever is out there that still gives a damn, I will end Lucifer. I don’t care if he gives me that damn puppy dog look from Sam’s eyes. Sam’s gone. He’s dead .

Now I have a demon cuffed to the ladder in my cabin. A demon that looks just like me. Makes me miss the good old days of a simple salt and burn. What the hell is next? My mother?! 

Christ, I have to tell Cas before he hippie trips the fuck out. Again, Fuck my life.

-D.W.

 

 

 

Camp List

Non combatants

  • Missouri Moseley
  • Alfie - Mess/Cook
  • Becky Rosen - inventory - perishable
  • Jane
  • Chuck Shurley - inventory - main
  • Aaron Bass - infirmary
  • Digger Wells - inventory - ammo
  • Eli Olssen - Mess/Cook
  • Bobby Singer - records
  • Kathryn
  • Mark
  • Ash

Combatants

  • Jody Mills
  • Ellen Harvelle
  • Jo Harvelle
  • Garth Fitzgerald IV
  • Asa Fox
  • Yagar
  • Risa
  • Eli Olssen
  • Rufus
  • Frank Devereaux
  • Sebastian
  • Richard
  • Matthew
  • Alaina

Team Roster

 

Alpha

Bravo

Charlie

Delta

Dean

Jody

Garth

Ellen

Eli

Asa

Risa

Alaina

Sebastian

Richard

Matthew

Yager

 

 

 

 

Cas,

Yes you’re stoned. No you’re not tripping. There’s a possible demon or shape shifter in my cabin that looks like me.

Don’t worry. I got this. Go do whatever it is you do these days.

-D.W.

 

 

Dean

It was so odd and refreshing seeing past you today. And yet so heartbreaking too.

It brought back so many memories I thought were long buried. I know I’ve worked hard to keep them that way, to forget, because it hurts too much to see the way you are now. How you’ve changed - and not for the better.

To be reminded of the way you used to laugh was so bittersweet - it confounded me when first we interacted, then it entranced me. I’d never say it led to my fall, but I’d be lying.

Lying.

I was never a good angel, but of the few things I was good at, lying was never one of them. Yet lying has become second nature to me. Lying by omission is still lying. You taught me well.

I liked the other things you taught me better - like Love and Free Will. But somehow you seem to have forgot those things and I’ve given up trying to remind you.

It does no good anymore.

I fell for nothing.

Yet I did it all for you...and somehow I can’t regret that. I only wish….

 

To our Fearless Leader:

You need to talk to Chuck. Stop avoiding him. Actually, stop avoiding everyone.

Also, I’m almost out of ‘medicine’. Were you able to pick anything up on the last supply run?

Try to be nicer to past you. He is you. Oh, and if he needs a place to stay, my cabin is always open. You know that.

Cas

 

 

 

Cas,

Yeah, I got your crap. Go see Risa for it. Next time I’m going to get you a goddamned diary so you can keep your girly thoughts to yourself.

I’m not avoiding anyone. I’m doing my job. And you tell him . Don't forget to get in his personal space and all that crap you used to do. Pretty sure he'll like it

-D.W.

 

 

Dean,

Yes, you are.

Also, why would I want a diary? I have nothing worth writing down. Certainly nothing I say seems worth anything anymore. Or did I misunderstand you at the last ‘grand’ meeting?

-Cas

 

 

Dean -

Come to my cabin. I have a few amenities that may make your enforced stay a little better. It will be pleasant to talk to someone who cares again. Someone who doesn’t make me feel as useless as I’ve become.

-Cas

P.S. Could you stop by Rissa’s cabin for me? She has some things that I need. She knows what they are. Thank you.

 

 

I only just realized that Dean attributes the reason I knew that he wasn’t him, to me being an angel. But it wasn't. Anyone who spent 5 minutes with Dean would have noticed how different his entirety of being, his demeanor was.

I just know him so well, so long, that I could tell within seconds. His posture was so uncertain, so hopeful and happy to see me. It had none of the rigid tension our Fearless Leader constantly carries.

I used to be able to take care of that for him. What happened to us?

 

 


What the hell did Zachariah get me into. I know it’s supposed to show me what could happen. I’m a dick now and Cas is a orgy loving hippie! I don’t know what could happen next.

 

 

 

Castiel,

Still weird. Ya I can come by. I have a few questions to ask anyways and Dick Dean doesn’t seem to want to answer or even see me. What’s his problem anyways? I don’t know if going by Risa’s is a good idea…. But I can sure try. I’ll be by later.

 

~Dean

 

 


I canceled tonight’s orgy for Dean. No surprise there, how even after all this time, everything we've been through, I'll still do anything for him. Not that he asked me to do it, but Dean from the past - despite his attempt to once show me the pleasures of the flesh (I understand now, Chastity’s reaction) - seemed horrified at how far I’ve fallen. I don't think he yet understands just how far that is.

Or why.

Still, I look forward to his staying with me tonight, even if it’s not what I was once used to before Dean - my Dean - grew colder, harder.

I just hope past Dean doesn’t ask any difficult questions.

I also hope that Risa can keep the distinction between our two Dean's clear and not treat the old - new? - one the way our fearless leader doubtless deserves.

 

 

Risa

I'm sending other Dean by to pick up the stuff our Fearless Leader so cowardly left with you. Try not to hit him again.  He hasn't done anything. Yet.

-Castiel

 

 

Why not? If we knock some sense into this one now, he might not be as much of an ass to both of us later - Risa

 

 


Talk about a frickin’ blast from the past. Me, only five years ago. Christ did I always look that young and soft ? And has it really been 5 years since the world went to shit? Since I told Sammy that we’re weaker together? Jesus what was I thinking?

I know what I was thinking. I was thinking that maybe once in our bullshit existence the big bads wouldn’t be able to use family against us. Now look at where we are! Lucifer looks like my friggin’ kid brother and smiles as he slowly brings the world to it’s knees.

I don’t know what those junkless winged dicks have planned, but to send a clone of a younger me here, now? I don’t trust it. But maybe this is my chance to fix what I screwed up .

-D.W.

 

 

Cas,

Just fyi he’s coming with us. I need him to see what it’s like to face Sammy head on. Convince him that he needs to say yes to Michael.

I need him equipped by night fall.

-D.W.

 

 

Chuck,

Looks like our ‘fearless leader’ is at it again. Always knows what’s best. I told him a long time ago what his mistake had been...and it wasn’t saying no.

What do we have to spare for outfitting the new/old Dean? Our Dean likes the thigh holster and I have to admit, it looks good on him . I don’t remember past Dean ever using one, but he would probably like it too - do we have another one of those?

Has he said anything to you about the plan yet? If we’re going to leave anytime soon, we better have a plan…

- Cas

 

 

Cas,

I might have another one. I will have to double check. If not I am sure I will find something fitting for him.

As for the plan, Dean told me he has one and not to worry. Which has me worried but there is no questioning him.

How is it going with old Dean? Can we trust him? Do you even know why he is here? Are we sure it isn’t a trick that Lucifer is pulling?

-Chuck

 

 

 

Chuck,

Don’t worry. It’s Dean, not a trick.

Trust me, I know.

- Cas

 

 


Okay so Cas has me going on some kind of wild goose chase for some medicine he needs. I really need to be figuring out a way back instead of doing this. Unfortunately present me won’t let me anywhere near the gates. So I have to do something.

Maybe Cas will have some answers for me. He did say to come over. I still can’t get past how he is. What could have possibly caused him to be like this? Well I better get back to looking for Risa’s place. I think I might ask Chuck. He seems to be the only one, other than Cas, who is willing to actually talk to me.

 

 


How do you make a plan that will essentially kill everyone that you put to it. Sure when they come here they all agree to one common goal. Defeat Lucifer. Because in the end that matters right?

Why should I care anyway? I’ve failed. I was supposed to protect Sammy, the one thing that’s been drilled into my goddamned brain since I was four.

These other people, they aren’t blood or family, except Cas. But hell it’s Cas. He’ll survive this before I do. I’m also debating locking myself - past me - up because my people really don’t need to see this shit show the angels decided to put forth. Oh and note to self. Make sure you still keep the pink panties secret…

-D.W.

 

 

 


Well thanks to Chuck I was able to find Risa’s place. I think it would have taken me another hour on my own.

Once I got to Cas’ place he finally decided to give me the map. It would have helped me like three hours prior. But beggars can’t be choosers. Luckily it didn’t reek of incense this time around. Cas gave me some grub and we talked about how things ended up this way. Whenever the subject come to sargant dickhead and Sammy he was vague. Something happened that no one is willing to tell me.

I need to find out though otherwise Zachariah won’t send me back home.

But won’t this be home….


 

 

To our great and oh so humble leader,

Someone  - and by someone, I mean you - explain to me why Risa and Jane get their own cabins and I’m stuck sharing with Kathryn and Alaina?? Why do they rate special treatment? Is it because you’ve been sleeping with them? Instead of who you should be sleeping with. Seriously, Dean, what is wrong with you?

What do I need to do to get some private time around here? And no, I’m not angling to have sex with you, Dean Winchester. You’re so not my type.

Becky

 

 

 

Becky,

Unless you’re willing to nut up and put your ass on the line for this camp, you’re bunking up. Stop bitching.

Don’t flatter yourself, sweetheart. You’re not even a blip on that radar.

And be careful who you bitch to. Jane was close to her former bunkmate and had to put one between her eyes after she turned.

-D.W.

 

 

 


I didn’t expect it to hurt so much, seeing Dean so close. Seeing him in my space again for more than the few seconds it takes him to toss me my pills. This Dean, younger Dean, he’s softer than my Dean is these days. Not that Dean was ever truly soft - he was a Hunter - but the difference is notable.

Fuck, I miss him so much. I think what hurts most is that past Dean isn’t even self aware yet of his own feelings. I tried to allude to things without scaring him off...but I’ve been known to be all too blunt at times, that I lack subtlety.

Especially when I’m high. Not sure Dean realized I was. Well, maybe he did after the debacle with the map. Just not sure it matters, really. Surely Zachariah will have decided Dean has had plenty of time to ‘learn his lesson’ and yank him back to 2009 any moment now. I wish he could stay around longer. Dean is most definitely getting under Dean’s skin. That could be a good thing.

Or it could be very bad. I haven’t decided yet.

 

 

 


Team leaders for Bravo, Charlie, and Delta are to meet in Dean's cabin at 2100.

Cas, Chuck, and Aaron, your presence is also required .

All others are to continue their weapons and or combative training as scheduled.

-D.W.

 

 

 

Cas,

What is this about a meeting? Do you have any idea about it and why wasn’t I listed? I know he doesn’t trust me but he knows I’m him or he is me. I am really sick of being in the dark. I can help with whatever it is.

I am not as much as a liability as he thinks I am. Can you talk some sense into him? Also thanks for letting me crash at your pad. I hope I wasn’t too much of a inconvenience. I’ll try to find someplace else for tonight. Don’t worry.

Thank you

Dean

 

 


So Dean posted up an Announcement in the common room. I know he doesn’t trust me but shit. Who else would fight as good as or better than him? I really need to get to the bottom of this. He can’t keep me in the dark much longer.

I think I’m going to try to get to the bottom of this. One way or another. I mean he is me or I am him or whatever way it goes. I think I’ll be at My Cabin.

 

 

Dean

Don’t feel like you need to find somewhere else to ‘crash’. It was quite enjoyable talking with you. It had the added benefit of making Dean jealous too.

Don’t worry about the meetings - he’s always having a meeting for one thing or another. I’m not even invited to half of them anymore. Anyway, it’s probably just a heads up that he’s got a doppelganger running around or something. I mean, you have to admit, it is a bit of a surprise if you don’t expect it.

-Cas

 

 

Cas,

Thanks for writing me back quickly. I still believe I should go. If he is going to announce me I might as well be there. But I guess that is just me.

I don’t see why he doesn’t invite you. You are very useful. Well you were back in my time. I still don’t get why you two don’t talk.

I don’t want to burden you with me being there. I am sure you have more important things to do then babysit the doppelganger.

I really wish he would stop treating me like a prisoner. It is a bit ridiculous. I really need to find a way back. I think I will come by sometime later tonight I wanna see if there is anything you might have that would help me.

-Dean

 

 

 


There’s a mystery. In my cabin. I found it, well, credit where credit’s due. Other Dean found it, while visiting. One could get used to that, very quickly. I miss my Dean.

Still, it’s in my cabin. Why don’t I remember that box? No time now, though. I’ll check it later. If I remember. Meetings about to start. It’s time to see what’s eating at Dean this time.

 

 


Are you freaking kidding me? “I like past you.” And what the hell was with him undermining everything I said?

How the hell can he like past me? I remember who I was then! I can't fucking believe him. And to think I once believed his lies. Anything for the pleasure of flesh I suppose.

I or he better pay close attention when we get to where we're going.

-D.W.

 

 

 


Well I was able to convince them to take me on the mission. Captain douche is having me guarded. This is going to be interesting. At least I should be getting a gun and also able to actually do something to help. Maybe I will get to the bottom of this whole thing. Well I better get ready. Don’t need people thinking I am slacking

 

 

 


This very well could be my last entry, though I don’t even know why I write these things down. I suppose, as all humans do, I simply need to just vent to someone. Except the only person I would wish to…well, that ship has sailed.

Dean’s revealed the plan. Our Fearless Leaders’ Grand Plan to ‘ice the devil’.

It’s…simple. Straightforward. And insane and reckless. But that’s always been the way Dean thinks. It’s gotten us through a lot, but I don’t think things will go well this time.

He wasn’t too pleased when I called him out on it either.

I don’t think any of us will be making it back. Well, except for past Dean. Zachariah will be collecting him shortly, a glimpse of the future in his hand to take back with him. I don’t think good ol’ Zach will be pleased. If anything, I think this may have strengthened Dean’s resolve.

But regardless of what happens with past Dean and the angels, the rest of us are surely about to be slaughtered. Humanity's last hope.

Still…Dean’s right.

It’s the best plan we’ve got. And I might argue, I might pick and needle at him, but in the end, I’ll go with him.

What else have I got?

-Cas

 

Chapter Text

 

Seriously, what is going on? I thought Zachariah was sending me back home but no, I look outside and I’m back to the future. This must be a cruel joke. Last thing that happened was Future me got his neck snapped and Sam… Well Lucifer was blabbing on.

This must be how Sammy felt when the Trickster kept looping Tuesday’s. I have no idea what I am suppose to do but I do know I want to stop what happened. So in that case first things first, going to camp but maybe this time I won’t get knocked out first.

Maybe the safest bet is going to Cas’s cabin. Luckily they don’t know I am here yet so security won’t be as high as it was when they were trying to keep me in. Here’s to trying I guess. Oh I better find a weapon so those zombies don’t get me. That is all I need. 

 

For a few moments there, I thought Dean had gotten me some bad pills. Or that I’d finally mixed the wrong combinations.

I couldn’t believe my eyes, seeing Dean as he used to be. Not the way he is now. There’s two of them. Here. In the camp.

Well, there was always that curse - May you live in interesting times? Sometimes I could do with a little less interesting. And yet... Dean…

There’s definitely something odd too...or maybe that's the drugs talking. I could swear...but it’s not possible. All the angels are gone. Except me and, well, I don’t really qualify anymore.

At any rate, Dean seems content to wait here for Dean...other Dean is waiting with me for my Dean to arrive...this could get confusing fast.

 

Dean,

Don’t ignore me! There is something you really need to see in my cabin.

It’s uh...I think I might be crazy. I know you already believe I am, but honest. You must come see this before someone else does or there could be trouble.

Come as soon as possible. To impress upon you the importance of this, yesterday would be best.

-Cas

 

Jody,

Can you take over today’s patrol? Apparently my presence is required at Cas’. I swear he needs a 12 step program or something.

Oh! Can you see that Chuck meets up with Eli and Alfie about what is needed in mess? I think Ellen and Jo were talking about a supply run.

-D.W.

 

Dean,

Sure thing boss. Go easy on him will ya? It can’t be easy going from being all powerful and infallible to what he is now…

-J. Mills 

 

What the hell?! This is like a bad remake of the Parent Trap . Two of me. And I know it’s me cause the fucker yelled out pink panties when I drew my gun on him. I should have shot the shithead right then and there for exposing that secret… and to Cas of all people.

So now we have a situation I was not prepared for. I need to find a way to keep a camp full of trigger happy, post traumatic, hunters and survivors from killing him. As much as I hate to say it, Cas is right. If he dies, there is no me.. Not that there was much of me after losing Sammy and Cas…

Alright, time to keep this circus from becoming a shit show.

-D.W. 

 

Pink panties? Why didn’t I ever know about this? What else is Dean keeping from me? Well, these days, quite a lot, probably. But still. Why would he feel the need to hide that? So many lost opportunities… 

 

Chuck -

I need more paper. :D

-Cas

 

Cas

What do you mean more paper - wait, which kind? Toilet, rolling or writing?

-Chuck

 

Chuck -

All of them?

-Cas

 

Well that was more awkward then I had thought. Luckily I didn’t get shot but I would have shot me after saying that outloud. Broke a promise to myself so I would have shot me. But It is all I had.

So it seems like I may be the only one experiencing this even tho Cas didn’t seem too surprised when I mentioned the loop so it has me thinking. Luckily Dickhead didn’t knock me out. He did seclude me in Cas’s Cabin till he can figure out what to do but If things go as they did before I should have time before it all blows up in my face.

I wonder if Cas will bring me back any pie. That sounds good right now. Does future me even like pie anymore? No he does. What kind of monster wouldn’t?! 

 

Chuck,

Does Cas seem weirder than usual to you? He just stopped by the kitchen and well, I’m used to that since he’s always got the munchies, but trust me. Something was weird. Plus, he was being really needy about pie. I thought that was Dean’s thing?

>Alfie

 

Alfie

When is he not a little weird? He hasn’t seemed very different to me. The pie thing maybe odd but I contribute that to the munchies. But if you want I can look into it for you.

-Chuck 

 

Chuck

I know, but, he was unusually intense for his desire for pie. He’s pretty laid back most of the time.

>Alfie

 

Alfie,

That is a bit odd. I'll look into it. Till then I'd chalk it up to getting some bad stuff.

Chuck 

 

If you see me and I seem off. It is not a trick to deceive you, and it is me but not.  Just don’t shoot my doppelganger

I repeat: DO NOT SHOOT

-D.W.

 

Cas took a bit long but Cas got me pie! I knew there would still be pie. Maybe the future has some hope after all.

While Cas was out I guess he noticed an announcement from future me that says not to shoot me. So I guess i could go and see who maybe around. Maybe even get more pie. Who knows. That isn't the point though. I need to prevent what is to happen. Then maybe I can go back home and prevent any of this.

 

Chuck,

Hey man! Sorry to bug ya but do we have extra socks? Sadly I’m on my last pair and I can’t even make a Mr. Fizzles from it :-(

Also, what’s this about a doppelganger? Did Dean get into Cas’ stash again?

Thanks Amigo!

Garth Fitzgerald IV 

 

Garth,

Didn't you attend the mandatory camp wide knitting class last month? The only thing in worse supply than socks right now is the toilet paper.

Here's some yarn. I hope you haven’t actually thrown all those socks away! Try darning them first. If they're too far gone for that, you'll have to make some brand new ones yourself or trade with someone else who can until we can find another stash somewhere.

And no. Dean didn’t get into Cas’s stash.

Chuck

 

Chuck,

Of course I didn’t throw them away! I didn’t make the class because Cas had said it it was a new class to relieve stress and after that blowout Dean had with him in the middle of mess, I didn’t know what to expect. I’ll see if he can teach me. Thanks for the yarn though! I think pink would look great!

Thanks again, Amigo!

Garth Fitzgerald IV 

 

Well that was weird. I guess even with the change I still managed to get slapped by Risa. I thought with the pre warning I had I could avoid it but nope not this time. Even with the announcement put out she still nailed me good. I still haven’t figured out exactly what I well he did to deserve that. To not care which one she slapped he must really deserve it, I just wished it wasn’t me that was getting it.

I guess when Cas got me the pie he was intense. I went to get another and Alfie said it explained a lot. I didn't need pie that bad. Oh well. Alfie gave me another one. Score! 

 

To the idjit who thinks he's in charge,

Why the hell didn’t any of you idjits think to tell me what was going on? I had to find out from Chuck ? SOMEbody better get their asses to my cabin ASAP, or I’ll be siccing Ellen on you.

Bobby

 

Bobby,

Hey man. We got this under control. No need to worry yourself or Ellen with. I’m sorry that Chuck worried you over nothing. How’s the new ramp Rufus fixed up for your cabin treating ya?

-D.W.

 

 

Ellen,

I have a mission for you. Whup Dean’s Ass for ignoring me and treating me like a goddamn invalid. I’m still useful to this outfit, and I will not be kept out of the loop.

And while you’re at it, remind him that without me, he wouldn’t be able to find all the clues he needs to find the frickin’ Colt!

-Bobby >:( 

 

Ten four Bobby,

I am right there with you. I don’t know what has gotten into that boy. I can’t believe there is a double running around. I have still yet to meet him but I sure hope he has some sense to him. That boy really lost it after Sam and Cas.

Don’t worry I’ll give him a good talking to he will not forget. I better get the word out that he needs to see me as soon as possible.

Ellen

 

Chuck,

I am going to be coming in here in a few days. If you could collect up the things on the list I would appreciate. I wanna get back on the trail as soon as I can before Dean tries to keep me there. I am not as broken and useless as he thinks. I was doing this long before he could walk.

Bobby 

 

Bobby

Don’t worry about it man, you know it just means he still cares about you. He’s just got a rotten way of showing it these days.

Chuck 


What the hell, Chuck! You know we don’t bother the old man with this kind of stuff anymore! We don’t need a second Goddamn stroke, especially since Cas can’t heal him this time-

-D.W. 

 

 

Chuck,

Thanks for standing up to Dean on my behalf. You didn’t have to but I appreciate it. I swear that boy is losing it. Maybe the old him will show him a few things. God seeing him was like walking down memory lane. I miss that boy. Also thanks for getting me what I need.

Bobby

 


Dean,

First off, I’d like to thank you for not yelling at me in front of the entire camp this time. I really appreciate it. Secondly, I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking.

Chuck 

 

Wow it was strange to see bobby being well bobby just grumpier if that is even possible. It was a bit awkward seeing Dean talk to him the way he did. I can’t believe I would ever do such a thing. I mean it’s bobby! I was speechless but luckily Chuck said something. It’s getting closer to the dreadful day. Let’s hope I can fix what happened and go home.

 


Christ on a crutch this freak show had just officially reached defcon level five status. I tried to be pragmatic and give the camp a heads up about the twin and of course no one here reads shit. Although not being on the receiving end of Risa’s slap is a good thing Now Bobby was dragged into this shit show when he was the last person I needed riled up. Oh and Cas is giving me googly eyes. Which hurts like a sonovabitch because it’s not me... but it is me..?? Fuck. My. Life.

-D.W. 

 

:

Team leaders for Bravo, Charlie, and Delta are to meet in Dean's cabin at 2100.

Cas, Chuck, Aaron, and twin me, your presence is also required.

-D.W.

 

Icing on the friggin cake! Now Ellen is pissed off and wants to tan my hide. Oh and apparently past me can tell the future because he was suggesting we don't go ice the devil as planned but didn't have a plan b. Christ was I always such a dumbass?!

We're sticking with my plan as it’s the only one we have.

-D.W.

 

So of course I didn’t listen to me and It looks like it is going to happen as Dickbag me planned…. Great now to come up with something out of nowhere just to make sure I am not stuck back here. But I think my theory was right and Cas know’s what is going on. He is more willing to follow me then before. Now if only I knew why he was so magic rainbows and shit then I would have a legit partner to fixing this.

If I end up back here I swear I am making that “assbutt” sober up. I am not dealing with this again. But I am also determined that I will not be coming back. Zachariah’s sick joke will end today. I just have to find a way to sneak out with some weapons and make it to where Lucifer is at so I can end this once and for all. Just me so I don’t have to rewatch the madness that occurred. I might see if I can sneak out with Bobby since he is about to head out. I know he will be able to read me but I am sure I can convince him to take me and just go. 

 

This very well could be my last entry, though I don’t even know why I write these things down. I suppose, as all humans do, I simply need to just vent to someone. Except the only person I would wish to…well, that ship has sailed.

Dean’s revealed the plan. Our Fearless Leaders’ Grand Plan to ‘ice the devil’.

It’s…simple. Straightforward. And insane and reckless. But that’s always been the way Dean thinks.

And it’s not going to work.

That’s not pessimism either. We actually know what’s going to happen, and Dean won’t change the plan. Says it’s the best we got. He wasn’t wrong but...we already know it won’t make a difference so, why shouldn’t we hold back for now? Try and find another way? Never mind that there isn’t. We’ve already spent years on this wild goose chase. Is it selfish to want to live a little longer as long as he’s around?

He wasn’t too pleased when I called him out on it. But of course, in the end, I’ll follow him like I always do.

Of course, now past Dean is mad at me because I wasn’t more upset about it. I mean, what can we do? Maybe he’s forgotten that I was a soldier for millennia. I suppose I don’t much look the part anymore, but soldiers make sacrifices. They follow orders.

If my Dean thought this sacrifice was necessary, well...I’ve already proved I’ll follow him anywhere. Why would this be any different? Why would I want to hang back and live when…

Better to go out among the ones I love than to live alone, in a pain that even the drugs won't’ touch.

-Cas

 

Chapter Text

 

Cas, honey, you might want to relocate yourself near Dean’s old car before noon tomorrow. Don’t be high, you’ll want to trust all your senses. Everything will make sense tomorrow.

Missouri 

 

Missouri,

Should I bring backup? Does Dean know? Should I bring him? Probably not. He was in a foul mood last night. I think he might still be - never mind. He’s always in a foul mood these days, so what does it matter?

Cas

  

Cas,

No honey. All will be fine.

-Missouri 

 

I hope we have meatloaf again tonight. It's not the same as a burger but beggars can't be choosers. 

 

 

What the hell is going on?! Missouri is giving Cas those looks she gives when things are about to happen the same look when she knew I was going to put my feet on the table. And now Cas is wandering around camp. Like it’s not normal. He should be having his hippie guru love fest thing he does. Not that I know his schedule . I just know Cas. And I know he likes to avoid Baby or what’s left of her. Jesus, Dad would kill me if he saw her  at all costs ever since that night we spent in there together If I didn’t have other shit to do, I’d find out what the hell was up with those two.

-D.W. 

 

 

OMG!!!!! Damn it! Okay ya I need help. I better get Cas sober. Because there is no way I can do this on my own and  I have no other choice but Castiel. He is the only one I can trust and seems to accept me. To be honest I think he knows or is going through it too. Either way I need to get him sober and somewhat back to himself. Then I gotta get some answers out of Sargent dick. Maybe I’ll get me drunk or something. I just gotta get to Baby first in one piece so I can make it to camp. I need to get that gun again. Thankfully I remember where it was. I also gotta come up with a plan so this time me doesn’t push me aside. I gotta get us to work together or this is just going to fail once more and I can not go through this again. There is no way I can stay sane if I don’t. I really don’t know how Sammy did this. 

 

Dean took my pills away. Now how will I cope?   


Are you friggin’ kidding me!? What the hell is he me thinking!? A sober Cas is NOT a good Cas. He’s grumpy and combative and demanding and reminds me of the Angel he used to be which, hello, hot I seriously cannot deal with this again. He dislocated my shoulder last time we went through this shit. Hell if it weren’t for Eli and Rufus I’m pretty sure he would have broken my arm I’m not saying he’s 100% at fault. I’m the one the pushed first but damn it, he knew the right buttons. I just don’t know what the hell he ? me? Us? Him? We? is trying to accomplish with Cas not being high, but I know I’m so fucking glad they found the good whiskey on the last supply run…

-D.W.

  

What the hell has Dean so grumpy today? I mean, even more so than usual...dammit, my head is killing me. I need some aspirin or something… 

 

Chuck,

Hey I need you to keep Cas away from all meds no matter what. Also keep him away from liquor and weapons to play it safe. If he comes asking send him my way.

Dean

 

Aaron,

Hey man, apparently we’re trying to sober up Cas. Not sure if you heard yet, but can you keep him out of the pain relievers? If he starts to give you trouble for it, I was told to let Dean know. Thanks man.

-Chuck

 

Whoa, Chuck, can I get a bodyguard or something? I don't remember that going too well last time…

-Aaron

 

Aaron,

I know man. I know. Like I said, if you have problems let me know. I’ll get Dean. Eli and Rufus said they’ll help too. I also need to make sure that Digger keeps him out of the armory in case we have the “Smitey Angel” again. And I thought writing was hard.

-Chuck

 

Becky,

Hey… um.. Weird but we’re trying to detox Cas again… Can you keep him out of the alcohol? I mean at least until we know he’s past the “violent” stage?

-Chuck 

 

Chuck,

Okay… Does Dean know? Because I really don’t want to be in the line of fire.

-Becky

 

Becky,

Do you really think I would have told you to deny our deadliest warrior besides Dean his “medications” if Dean didn’t know?

Really Becky?! Do you think I have a death wish?!

-Chuck 

 

Digger,

Hey man. Dean is having us detox Cas. You know the drill. Sorry ahead of time.

-Chuck

 

Chuck

Fuck - is it too late to work with another camp?

-Digger

 

Digger,

Ha! If you find one let me know!

-Chuck

 

Now I can’t even get ASPIRIN?? And to top it off, I was ‘escorted’ out of the ‘pharmacy’!!!  

 

Okay so that went ummm interesting. Like I got my questions asked but I did not know it would go that way. I asked how it all got to where it did and then I asked about what happened with him and Cas and oh god…. Am I gay? Or bi? Like…I don’t know what to say. Once he or I or I don’t know anymore started talking about the best sex he has ever had I stopped paying attention. Castiel???? Really? I never really…thought about it. It’s Cas I mean... 

  


I can not drink like I used too. Stupid me all smiles and laughing cause my ass is drunk. Who cares right!? End of the friggin’ world and all that.

He made me talk about Sam and Cas. I don’t like talking about that. It hurts. Sam’s gone and I’ve pretty much lost Cas. Which is fucked up cause he’s right there man! Like I could reach out and touch him. But I can’t cause I’m shit and he deserves better.

Twin me looked shocked when I told him Cas’ cabin was our cabin. That we helped him get that big ass bed in there, made sure that the electricity worked. Once upon a time, man, Cas and me, we played house. Complete with a roll in the sheets before bed. For a virgin dude is good…

Fuck why can’t I have him back? Why am I not good enough?

-D.W. 

 

Cas,

What happened to you, us? You and me… you were my best friend… am I really that horrible to be around that you have to get high all the time and whore yourself around?

I miss you, man

I lo

I need you.

Come back to me. I can't lose you too

-D.W.

 

Dean

You’re the one who pushed me away. You’re the one who said we couldn’t be what we were anymore. I’m tired of your drunken confessions when it won’t change anything. When you won’t allow us to be more as soon as you’ve sobered up.

Say this to me sober...maybe something can change.

God,  I hope you will. I’m tired Dean. Everything hurts...why do you think i needed the drugs in the first place?

Cas

 

Cas,

Drunken words equal sober thoughts. And you know I'm shit with these feelings talk.

So that's it? I can't have my best friend back?

-D.W. 

 

Dean

You will always mean the world to me and I will always be at your side. You know what I have done for you. But if you keep pushing me away, than I need some way to cope. I can’t take the pain of being near you but not having my best friend, my love.

- Cas 

 

I don’t know what Cas wants from me anymore. I want my friend back. Is it even possible to be jealous of yourself? Cause I totally am, which is fucked up. But I can’t help it. He gives him those looks. The ones he used to give. Hell, he even gave him that smile that made me want to crush our lips together, just so I could feel it against my own lips. I know he doesn’t believe me but I miss his touch. Even though he can’t heal me any more, just the act of his hands on me was enough.

Goddamn it, spilling my guts like a damn teenager with a crush. I need to prepare. He’s up to something and I have a feeling neither one of us will return…

-D.W.

 

I miss him. He's so close to me but I no longer dare to reach out to him, presume he is mine to touch and be touched by.

Though I am not often alone, I feel so empty. The other relations I forge in this camp are pleasant enough but shallow. Nothing can compare to the bright soul I could once gaze upon. The soul so seared in my mind and on my eyes I see it still. Even now it shines brightly with none of the tarnish he's always believed dragged him down.

 

Dean,

Stop leaving your stuff in my cabin. I stubbed my toe on this stupid box. Wait...scratch that. I think I should keep it. I don’t know why. There’s something about it...I think...I think I need to tell the other you. Somebody’s gotta know where he went… 

 

Bobby,

I never told you this but I wish you had been mine and Sammy’s dad. You took in two, wayward sons and loved and taught us things that I doubt ever crossed John's mind. Thank you.

I'm sorry I failed you but I'm determined to makes this right. Look out for Cas will ya? If this idea crashes and burns, he's gonna be a wreck.

Thanks Bobby,

-D.W. 

 

Dean,

You sonovabitch… No, not that. Mom is to good to be called that… you sonovadick! Yeah, fuck John Winchester and his stupid “watch out for your little brother, Dean.” “Keep an eye on Sammy, Dean” What about me huh? Don't I deserve a Goddamn break? Don't I deserve some goddamn happiness?

Listen to me man..  You had it. You fucking had it. Right there IN your hands. The perfect fucking happiness and you ruined it. You let him down like you let everyone you've ever cared about down. Everyone you ever loved. He's still by your side even after you hurt him.

Trust me man. Don't hurt him. Prove to him that he's more than his powers before his powers are gone. Tell him the truth before it's too late…

Trust me for once trust yourself

-D.W. 

 

Cas,

I'm so sorry man. I'm such a colossal fuck up but you never faltered in your faith in me did you? I wasted so much time pretending that you were nothing more than an angel. Pretending that you were just a brother. Ignoring what you truly meant about our bond. But then I finally started to see it and it scared the living Shit out of me, man!

I miss you. I miss the way you'd look at me as if I was worth something. I miss the way you would distract me when I stressed to much. The way you smiled at me when we'd first wake up… your touch… your kiss… all of you.

You were never useless, Cas. And I'm sorry it took the end of the freaking world to tell you that. Hopefully twin me tells you when he gets back to ‘09 so it gives us more time.

I’ve always loved you, Castiel. And I always will.

-D.W. 

 

Bobby,

Dean’s gone and done something stupid. I’m not entirely sure what (but the other Dean is missing too, after his passionate speech against the grand plan, so I have my suspicions).

I’m going to fetch our idiot. Keep the home fires burning.

Castiel

Chapter Text

Something doesn't feel right. I could swear there’s something I’m supposed to know, something really important that I forgot.

I went to ask Missouri but she was of no help. All she would talk about was how Chuck was acting funny. And then she gave me this look, full of expectation and sympathy. For all her usual insight, all she could tell me was that events were unfolding that had happened before.

It shouldn’t make sense...but it does.

I can remember words I’d swear were never spoken...but I’ve saved every letter, every note Dean has ever left me. And those words aren’t among them.

Maybe Dean is right and I should flush my pills away… 

 

Wait...where’d this box come from? Why does it feel familiar? I don’t remember it and yet...something is tugging at my memory. I see Dean - as he used to be - holding the box in his hands. But when I asked our fearless leader about it, he said he’s never seen it before in his life.

There’s definitely something going on.... 

 

OMG!!!! So that plan failed miserably. That was a total waste. I should have known I would have followed me if i saw myself leaving in the middle of the night. I didn’t even get the chance to stop this! Now I have to once again sober up Cas and have some kind of plan so that dickhead me will follow or at least agree. What was up with Missouri as well. Why did she send Cas to get me. How did she know I was there. I thought she lost it all. Something is not adding up. First thing is first I need to sober up Cas and it looks like the me here needs to fess up to Cas or something this whole thing is just a mess. Let’s hope some things are the same. 

 

Missouri

Is this what you were talking about? I feel like I’m seeing double and yet...I’m not even the slightest bit surprised to see two Deans in the camp. Why is that?

I almost regret sending my happy pills back to the infirmary.

Cas

 

Cas,

Yes, sugar. Trust Dean. Both of them.

Missouri 

 

Cas is… detoxing? I feel like I should be worried. After all, the last time we tried to wean him off the crap was after he had officially lost all his grace. It hurt to watch him in pain. It’s my damn fault for telling him that the little white pills would take the edge off… Regardless, he’s sobering up and the other me seems smug about it.

What’s in the box?! I don’t know why Cas thinks it’s mine. I’ve never seen it before.

Something's not right. Cas and Missouri didn’t seem surprised that there’s a double mint twin of me running around and Chuck is being more twitchy than usual… which is weird in itself.

I need to go back to Cas’ later. Maybe we can figure out what the hell in that box. 

 

Dean

Do you ever miss the bees? Do you think they miss us? Fuck, I need a distraction. My head is pounding. Why’d I think quitting ‘cold turkey’ was a good idea?

Oh yeah...never mind.

- Cas 

 

Cas,

I bet they do Cas… Your question reminded me of that one time with Baby. Do you remember that? I gotta ask, how did you not get stung?

It'll get easier. I'm sure he's helping you with the pain .

-D.W. 

 

Alfie,

Oh, man, I forgot how boring Cas could be when he wasn’t high. Shit, you remember the time he got so high he streaked through camp? Dean chasing him the whole time? When Dean finally caught up to him, Cas was laid out on top of that monstrosity of a car Dean used to drive, and he was covered in bees. Bees! Fuck man, I don’t know if he even remembers that shit, but I couldn’t stop laughing my ass off.

And of course, poor Dean got stung when he tried to get near Cas but somehow, the guy got out unscathed. I’m putting it down to that whole being an angel once upon a time thing he’s got going on. I mean, sure, he’s a fallen angel and all, but he’s no Lucifer. The two of them couldn’t be more different.

I wonder if he’s still got any of that - what’d he call it? Grace? Whatever. I’m gonna call it Angel magic. Wonder if he’s got any of that left? If maybe that’s why the bees didn’t sting him?

Ah, who the hell knows. I’ve got the munchies. Is there anything I can snag before dinner tonight?

Aaron

 

Aaron

Cas isn’t boring when he’s sober. You’re just going to miss your smoking buddy.

Yeah, drop by, I have a few things I think I can sneak out that nobody would miss because it’s absolutely gross but you’ll eat anything when you’re high.

Alfie 

 

Hey Cas,

While we're on the subject of memories… be honest. Did you purposely sabotage your visit at the brothel? I get that you didn't know the “pleasures of the flesh” yet, but I've seen you with the ladies, man. You got game.

-D.W. 

 

Dean

All I wanted was to spend time with you. To that end, I accomplished exactly that. I saw you laugh. It was like my whole world had opened before me, showing me what could be. I refused to think, in that moment, of my impending and inevitable death.

I was pleasantly surprised when it didn't come. I treasured each moment we had together after that even more, never knowing which moment would be my last.

Who knew I'd still be here…

Cas

 

Cas,

I always knew you’d still be around man. You’re a freaking angel! You’ve literally been to Hell and back and God, wherever he is, he wants you around. It’s a shame he had you waste your time on me

-D.W.

 

Dean

I’ve long since believed that my Father has - how do you put it?  ‘ Left the building ’.

I have never believed my time with you to be wasted. Ever.

Cas 

 

This is for Missouri, Chuck and Cas. Please meet in my cabin at 10.

-D.W. 

 

Ellen,

Hey do you have any idea what’s going on? Did Dean mention a meeting to you?

Jody

 

 

Jody,

Are you kidding me?! That fool boy keeps Bobby and I in the dark 99.9% of the time. After he got his panties in a twist and basically shouted at us, reminding us that we aren’t his folks, I’ve been sure to give him a wide berth.

But if you hear something, let me know?

-Ellen 

 

What the hell?! Things just got even friggin’ weirder for the apocalypse. First off, what the hell is going on with the former prophet? He never volunteers to go on recon. I have to threaten him with my gun or with the idea of burning every writing utensil he owns. And now the douche just ups and leaves after he sees my announcement? I’m gonna kick his ass when he gets back. Especially now with what Missouri told us.

I’m still trying to wrap my brain around this shit. How is that she can’t get a read on Chuck, or Sammy Lucifer but when it comes to me and any variation of, she can. Like I honestly thought her powers had weakened and eventually fizzled out like Cas’ grace. And why replicator me didn’t look surprised. That’s friggin’ infuriating too! He knew!? THIS WHOLE TIME! HE KNEW! And apparently we’re stuck in a messed up version of groundhog’s day only I keep freaking dying again and I need to trust Cas not that I ever stopped, we just… fell apart..  and replicator me.

What the hell is going on here?

And Cas… God Cas… I feel like I’ve told him before that I love him and I miss him, but that’s not me. I don’t do that shit. But to see him, so focused on what Missouri was telling us. The way his blue eyes started to look alive and so much clearer than they had been… My Cas was back and it took everything in my power not to grovel at his feet. Tell him I’m sorry for being such a screw up.

 

 

 

I knew it! Missouri had her powers. I mean they aren’t all back but I knew it! How else would she had known last loop that I was going to be there? The look on my face was priceless though when she confirmed it. I thought someone had told him they knew about the pink panties. I am just glad I didn’t have to do that again. Then there was the look he had when he saw Cas. I mean he does have a cute butt and some nice eyes… Okay I am not staying on track here. There is still something there and maybe that is the key to this just maybe they need to work together. I don’t know but whatever it is we need to figure it soon. I don’t know how much more I can handle. But on the plus side it looks like maybe Cas is still sobering up.

Now I gotta find out this whole Chuck thing, why is Missouri unable to read him just like Luci. That makes things a little more complicated. Oh I hope it isn’t anything bad. I don’t know how much more of this I could handle. I just want to go home and prevent all this from happening.

 

 

I feel something on the edge of my awareness, something that Missouri sparked. I'm not all that surprised that she can't use her psychic abilities on Lucifer, to predict his movements in any way.

Chuck was a surprise...but once she mentioned it, it made sense to me. He was once a prophet of the Lord. He would make a poor prophet if just anyone could tap into his brain.

Not that he's had the abilities of a prophet in years but...it must be something hardwired into him. The angels are gone but some of their protections remain.

 

Cas,

Do you ever wonder what we could have done differently? I mean besides allowing Sam to say yes. Sometimes I can imagine Baby in her prime and you and me cruising down the interstate. Going to our next hunt.

Did you open that box yet? I can round up the replicator and stop by and we can figure this crap out.

If you want to, of course

-D.W. 

 

Dean

No, I haven’t. There’s...something about the box. It doesn’t feel like mine. Or mine alone.

It may be best to do it all together, all at once.

It feels important, somehow, that we be together for it. I don’t know why. I feel like I should know why.

Then again, there are many things I feel like I should know, or be able to do. I’ve been less than useful these past few years. All I can do is cling to you...pathetic has been angel that I am. I’ve been a drugged up, hopeless addict and I don’t know why you’ve put up with me all this time. Why you still insist you’re not good enough for me when we all know it’s the other way around.


Cas

 

Cas,

Alright. I can swing by after dinner. I heard Alfie is making his “meat”loaf. Last I heard you were fond of that.

You’re right, Cas. We should do it together. Have you asked Missouri about it? Maybe she knows?

Hey… by the way. How are you feeling, Cas? According to what replicator me and Missouri says, this would be your third day sober. I know when you broke your foot you were in pain and that mixed with losing the last connection to your family… Sorry I was just curious as to how you were holding up.

-D.W.

 

Dean

No, I have not asked Missouri. Maybe we should have her be there as well? Couldn’t hurt, right? Though, I might be late. If there’s meatloaf, well...feel free to start without me.

Dean...I’m not entirely sure how many loops I’ve been through, but as far as I can figure, I’ve only been detoxing on a couple of them. It’s hard to tell, since any progress I make gets reset every time the loop does.

It’s a little frustrating, to tell the truth. I feel absolutely wretched. We need to figure this out, if just for the fact that I need to get past this.

Saving the world would be nice too, of course.

Cas

 

Cas,

Yeah, maybe having her there will help. And no way dude. I’ll save you a piece. Hell, you can have my piece.

Oh. I’m sorry. I don’t understand all this crap. You would have thought after all this time I’d understand it by now.

Is there anything I can do to help?

-D.W.

 

Becky,

Help me out. I’m confused. Are Cas and Dean an item again? Or is Cas getting together with the other Dean? I see them hanging out a lot more, and Dean is being way more attentive to Cas as of late.

Am I right? Or is it wishful thinking?

-Garth Fitzgerald IV

 

Garth,

Are you serious? How did I miss this????? What did they say? How did they act? Most importantly where did they touch each other? I can’t believe I missed this! Do you know where they are now? Details please!

-Becky

 

Becky,

Woohie girl, come by my cabin later and I’ll fill you in!

-Garth Fitzgerald IV

 

Dean

You are very generous. And no, that’s all right. It’s not just you - just thinking about it makes my head hurt too. I think it’s because my human brain is no longer capable of the kind of understanding I would once have had of everything currently happening to us.

Or that’s the withdrawal symptoms. Kind of hard to tell right now.

I can think of a few things but...that’s not what we are anymore…

It’s okay. I’ll be fine Dean, you don’t have to worry about me. You have enough to worry about on a daily basis. Worrying about one fallen angel doesn’t need to be one of them. I’m very unimportant in the grand scheme of things these days.

Cas

 

Cas,

Regardless of what happened between us, you’re still family. I will always worry about you. Just take it easy. I’ll see you after dinner. I need some air .

-D.W.

 

Digger

I don’t know about you, but do you ever feel like you want to just lock Cas and Dean in a cabin together and throw away the key?

I mean, think of all the hot, steamy sex they could be having right now if they’d get over themselves and just talk face to face! Rather than handing their notes to the nearest person in camp and shoving us at their other half.

On the other hand, do you think they realize half the camp has read every one of their letters and is privy to, well, pretty much everything?

Or is that just me?

Becky

 

Becky,

No. I’d rather not. Thank you. Don’t bring it up again. They can do whatever they want in the privacy of their own cabin, but I don’t want to be imagining it.

-Digger 

 

Hey Jody,

I was just wondering if I was the only one to notice, but have Dean and Cas seem to be… less combative than normal? Like normally by now, Dean has stormed off and Cas has drowned himself in the ladies. But today they seem to be watching each other an awful lot. Almost like the did when they were together, you know?

Also, do you have an extra knitting needle? I have no idea how I did it, but I snapped one of mine.

-Garth Fitzgerald IV 

 

Garth

How in the blue blazes did you snap a knitting needle? I swear to God…here. Don’t break it. They don’t grow on trees.

Now that you mention it, they do seem rather more amiable than usual.

Crap. My cabins right next to theirs. I am so not in the mood to hear them going at it…wanna switch with me?

-J. Mills

 

Jody,

Now, I love Dean and Cas like brothers, I do, and I want nothing more than to see those two happy again and being together would do that. But I have to tell you Jody, the answer is No! Poor Mr. Fizzles was scarred the last time, scarred I tell you!

Also, I didn’t get any sleep. Those two are loud. Especially Cas. He has no shame. Which is probably all part and parcel of the whole Angel thing but...sleep! I need my eight hours a night and I already don’t get that, what with being humanity’s last stand.

-Garth Fitzgerald IV 

 

Cas,

 

Well, my son. I thought it would have been quicker that you found this but I guess everything took its toll more than I had anticipated. Yup, it is me, your dear old dad and yes, Dean and Dean, that means God. I know you all have your questions but this is not the time to answer them. Here is a little something to help you defeat Lucifer. Yes, these are Archangel blades and I would insist you keep them close and out of your thoughts when you you decide to go after him. One slip up and well, as you know, you are at it again. Now here comes the hard part: this time Dean and Cas, you two need to work out what happened between you and work together. You need to work together. If you don’t, you won’t get anywhere. Yes, you have no choice and no, there is no other way. You two need to work together. That is all I can tell you. I have given you all you need to defeat Lucifer.

 

Archangel blades. Dad. I don't know how to feel. Has this been here the whole time? How long I've looked for my father - why won't he show himself? He was needed - is needed- and where is he? He lets the world go down in ruin around our ears…for what?

To save the world, Dean and I need to reconcile? Isn't that a bit extreme for a matchmaking technique? No, I know that's not what this is but...I would love to mend fences with Dean. But that kinda depends on Dean. I still don't know why he walked away from me. Distanced himself emotionally. Hardened himself...hurt himself, essentially. And me too...but I'm no stranger to that.

If Dean and I...Could this all be that simple? No, I’m sure it won't. When have I ever been that lucky? Still...we might finally have a chance. Past Dean has already assured us the Colt never stood a chance.

But Archangel blades...those are another matter entirely.

The trick will be getting close enough to use them. 

 

I am actually at a loss for words. All I can think of is the confusion on Cas’ face and the way it crumpled. Finally, after all this time, in his own quest to find his father, he gets an answer.

And I get it. He has devoted his existence to an absent father. I relate. Cas’ creator may have never beat him, or forced him to give up his childhood. But he was absent. He wasn't there when his children needed him.

I'd be livid with my dad if he pulled this crap. “Here's a box filled with crap. Good luck!” Thanks dick .

What the hell are we going to do with archangel blades? Lucifer is going to read our thoughts and know we have them. Could this be anymore fucked up?

And God says Cas and me need to reconcile. I want to. I want to so bad. I miss my friend but I can't risk losing him. That's why I pushed him away at arm's length to begin with. Yes, it breaks my heart every damned day to have to see that hurt look in his eyes when I have to put on the front. But now, now God wants me to try….

Why the fuck am I sitting here? Cas’ just found out that his dad is still out there somewhere.. And he’s sober-ish and processing this… alone... I gotta go check on him.

Chapter Text

Well, what the fuck is this shit?! Why am I here at this damn motel when I wake up? Some horribly cruel joke huh! I swear to Cas’s dad that I will kill Zachariah when I get out of this! Well, let’s hope they remember it all. Well, at least they should since they never died. That is why I don’t get why I am even here! Okay time to get back to the darn camp. I have no idea why they sent me back. This is ridiculous. I better get back to the others before it gets late. We have to come up with a plan and figure out what that letter means. I mean I had somewhat of an idea about it and how Cas and this time me need to pass their mishaps.

 

 

I woke up today feeling more normal, happier even, than I have in a good long while. I felt... right... for the first time in a long time. Clear headed, warm. His arms wrapped around me. His breath on my neck…

Then I remembered everything. It hurt. But being in Dean’s arms once again helped ease the pain immensely. I missed this...missed us.

Can we really fix this?

I watched him sleep, the way I used to. I couldn't help but trace his features with my eyes, trying to memorize each detail - his face so relaxed, so peaceful - in case I never get this chance again. I lost it once before.

I hope to...well, I hope I never lose this, lose him, again. I don't think I could survive it. I dove into the drugs last time and it barely made things bearable. I hated what I became, what they made me into.

My heart leapt when he sleepily murmured those words I hadn't heard in so long. I almost cried. I must have done something to break the moment because he woke then and...we talked. And maybe a bit more than talked.

Today, I'm daring to dream that we will fix this.

And if we can fix us , maybe, just maybe, we can save the world.

 

 

Thank God or should I say, thank Cas’ Dad? that I went to Cas’ cabin. I didn’t see twin me there, but Cas…curled up in that old trench coat in his bed. Damnit, it killed me.

But oh! To have him in my arms again. Breathing him in and letting his gentle snores lull me into sleep with him. Sometimes I forget, that now Sammy’s gone, Cas is all I have left. Don’t get me wrong. I still love Bobby, Ellen and Jo like they’re family. But it’s different. All my life, Sammy was my responsibility. Look after your brother, Dean. Get Sammy ready, Dean. Where’s Sammy, Dean?

Cas was the first person I let in. The first person that I wanted to be responsible for. And after losing Sammy, trying to do what was best, only made things worse. I know it was a dick move to push Cas away. Especially after we had gotten so close. But I had to. I still think I’m poison and Cas doesn’t need my mountain high baggage full of crap. It was the only way I could protect us. Protect him.

Of course when I tried to explain this to him this morning he called me an idiot, but the smile that went with it was blinding and I found myself lost in it, in the happiness in his eyes. I always loved the intensity of his eyes.

The best part of waking up with Cas back in my arms? The press of his lips against mine. He taste better than my favorite whiskey.

 

What did I just see? I can’t even wrap my head around it. I am really needing some pie now. I need something to get that out of my head. I guess I will talk to them about it all later when they aren’t so… ummm… busy. I still can’t wrap my head around it. But I got to try to focus on something other than that. Maybe I can talk to Missouri or Chuck and see what they think or if they have any idea on what to do. Anything to get out of here and this situation. I don’t think that we would be able to ice the Devil with the blades, that would be too obvious. Maybe if we fashioned some into like bullets we could do that. Keep some blades as a distraction and use the others to make into bullets. Maybe then we will have a chance and it does not seem like Cas and this time me will have any issue working together.

 

Dean

Have you ever noticed the strange looks that Becky tosses our way? Specifically our way. No one else. Especially when we're together.

She makes me so unbelievably uncomfortable that I would once have suspected she was a demon, plotting against us. But I still have enough dregs of Grace to know she's not.

The looks have only gotten worse and more calculating since the old you popped up in camp. I don't get it.

Cas

 

 

Cas,

Becky’s harmless, you were there when we did all the tests and Eli gave her the tattoo.

Now that you mention it, I see it too. She also gives that smile like you did when you saw a little animal…

I think they're just trying to figure out why we haven't flipped our shit about the other me.

Oh I saved you one of those pastry things you liked. It's in your cabin.

-D.W.

 

 

He suggested we need ammo, but special ammo. The more I think about the contents of the box, the more it makes sense. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this when we first opened the box.

-D.W.

 

Bobby,

Do you still have the tools to melt metals into bullet? Like what we used to make silver bullets?

-D.W.

 

Dean,

What do you take me for, an idiot? Of course I still have them. Just because Croats seem to be overrunning the world, don’t mean werewolves and the like are gonna stop existing.

What are you planning, boy? Get your ass over here and talk to me.

Bobby

 

 

Bobby,

I don’t want to go into too much detail. Cause I don’t want to put the horse before the carriage, but now that we got the Colt back - which, thanks. I don’t know if I ever thanked you for that - Cas got his hands on something that might help us get something going.

And awesome, I’ll be by in a few. Need to rally the troops for the next supply search.

-D.W.

 

 

Digger,

Hey man, do we have any extra shells that are empty? Need to make some new ones and I didn’t find you in the armory. Let me know. Don’t need many. Maybe six to nine rounds worth.

-D.W.

 

Jody,

I just got word that Rufus caught a bug. Aaron has ordered him to stay in his bunk, until we know for sure that is just the flu and not something worse. I’m currently working on a plan with Cas so I’m a bit tied up. Can you let the troops know that Rufus is out and give them duties if need be? Enlist Ellen’s help if needed.

-D.W.

 

Target practice with Rufus has been canceled until further notice.

Please see either Jo for hand to hand combat lessons or Frank for tactical.

If you are not going to be doing either, report to either Jody or Ellen duties.

-Jody

 

 

Risa  

Do they think we’re blind ? Something's definitely going on. I saw Dean leaving Cas’s cabin this afternoon - after he’d been missing for hours! Seriously, I’ve been trying to find Dean since this morning to discuss ration supply. I didn’t even think to check Cas’s place, you know how long they’ve been on the outs!

OH MY GOD! Do you realize what this means?

They must have gotten together!

We need to tell everyone , stat!

Oh my goodness! I haven’t been this excited since I found out they were together the first time! My heart was broken - broken, I tell you! - when they broke apart the way they did. If anyone deserves to be together, it’s those two. It can only be True Love.

Becky

P.S. Do you think the other Dean will get in on the action too? Oh my gosh! I bet he is! Hey, it isn’t cheating if it’s the same guy, right?

 

Becky

Calm your tits, girl. Your enthusiasm is taking Dean off the market! Then again, he only ever had eyes for Cas. Maybe its for the best.

At least if they make up, Cas won’t have to worry about Dean sleeping around. That man is devoted to him.

God, it makes me sick. Why the hell can’t I have that kind of devotion?

Risa

P.S. Becky, get your mind out of the gutter.

 

 

Cas,

Have you seen Chuck? I need to add something to the supply list for the next run, but I haven’t seen him around.

Aaron

 

Aaron

No, I haven’t. That’s strange. Digger was here looking for him earlier as well.

Cas

 

Missing:

Charles Shurley - aka Chuck

Last seen doing inventory.

You all know what he looks like. Fork him over.

-D.W.

 

 

Holy crap this might actually work. Cas explained that the traditional angel blades, while yes, can slow down an archangel, it won’t actually kill them. That’s why the blades left in the box are so important. These blades have stronger magic to them. The only being they can’t kill is God himself. So with that being said we needed a way to stab Lucifer. I’m a genius, or at least the other me is.

Thank God for Bobby. The old bastard still had all the equipment needed to melt the blades - save for one - down to make bullets. Angel killing bullets. It’s so weird to be so excited about these little bastards when Cas is standing there watching us.

But this should work. I have to keep the other me safe because he has to go back. Cas and I are going to be the decoys and when Lucifer isn’t expecting it… {insert gunshot noise here} jesus I’m a dork bye bye devil.

Then Cas and I will give Sammy the burial he deserves… provided we survive…

Maybe I should see if Missouri sees anything...

 

 

Missouri,

Hey, sorry to bother you but I was wondering if you see anything about mine and Cas’ future. Not so much as in us but as in do we make it if we go forward with the plans we were discussing.

I mean, I get if you can’t see cause it involves Lucifer and I know your vision is pretty blank when that son of a bitch douche he is involved.

Just thought I'd ask.

-D.W.

 

Bobby

What in the hell did those boys do? They snuck out of camp just before midnight last night. Just the three of them. Right past the guards like they weren't even there! (and trust me, I am giving Digger, Yager, Asa and Matthew a piece of my mind about that! Jo too! Just because she’s my kid, doesn’t mean she gets to avoid a well deserved lecture about slacking off!)

They didn’t even bring any sort of backup! What were those fools thinking?

And you could have seen my jaw dropping when they strolled back in here, cool as cucumbers, completely unscathed - and with Sam in tow? Of all people! When last we heard, he was playing host to the devil!

How did they pull off this miracle??? Why didn’t they do it sooner?

Have you been able to get a straight answer out of any of them yet? Because I have not.

-Ellen

 

 

Ellen

How the hell should I know?

All those idiots will tell me is that the family is fine and it’s all over. Maybe if you, me, Jody and Missouri corner them all together we can get them to talk…

I’m not holding out much hope of that, though.

Bobby

 

Bobby,

Maybe we should just leave it alone? The Croats seem to have disappeared, Sam’s back and Lucifer’s gone and Dean and Cas have resolved their differences.

I almost think I’m dreaming, but the evidence is right before my eyes.

I’m inclined to just go with it.

-Ellen

 

Cas and Dean

You have no idea how happy it makes me to see that my son and The Righteous Man did the impossible. I know both of you had lost faith. Not only in me, but in each other and in yourselves. It may not have been fair of me to ‘hide’ when you needed me most, but I had a plan and I needed to know that you two could carry it out.

Dean, Castiel was not wrong when he said you deserved to be saved. You had a greater purpose than the one you completed today. A purpose you had been living since you were just a boy at four years old. You are a protector, Dean. You’ve protected Sam no matter the cost. You’ve also protected Castiel, even when it broke your heart to do so. This is why I chose you.

Castiel, I know you have a lot of questions son. And I promise to answer them. All I ask is you live your life. You have your grace again. You will always be welcome in the Kingdom of Heaven and on your terms. You were always my best soldier, my son, the best I have ever had, but I want you to choose what you would like to do. After all, didn’t the Winchesters teach about free will?

I will always be here for you, either of you. All you have to do is turn around and ask.

 

 

I can’t believe where we are right now. I can’t believe...we’ve done it. The Apocalypse is ended, though it will take the world some time to recover from it. Hopefully Chuck - Chuck! - will help it along some. I get that he’s all about free will, but when the will is moving forward, I don’t see why he can’t help move it along a little faster.

But we did it. Me and Dean and...Dean. All of us. We walked into the fire and emerged victorious. With more than we ever thought we could get in return. To see Sam talking and laughing and being Sam again...the light and relief in Dean’s eyes was so bright. I had been prepared to having to be there for him. When we killed Lucifer, it should have killed his vessel. Any chance at getting Sam back should have been gone.

I’m glad he’s not. I think we have my father - we have Chuck (I still can’t get over that. To think that he was there with us the whole time! Hiding in plain sight! ) - to thank for that.

And Dean and me? We’re in a much better place now. In fact, I think this will be the last time I write. The drugs, the journal, the ‘hippie guru crap’ - all of those things were coping mechanisms that barely helped me survive the rift between us. A rift that - thankfully - no longer exists. As this book is almost full, it feels fitting to end it here.

To end it with happiness. Dean at my side. Sam recovered and the world once more safe.

What more could a fallen angel ask?

 

I’m still in shock. My hands are shaking from it all. We did it. The plan friggin’ worked! And it was beautiful. Cas distracted Lucifer. I did my part acting as if I was going to stab him and then the beauty. The other me and the Colt. Friggin’ angel killing bullets!! Who knew!? I promised Cas that he could lock the remaining up.

I should have celebrated that we won, but the moment I watched Sam’s body slump to the ground, it felt as if my world was collapsing again. I had failed my little brother and now he too was dead. Of course, when Cas collapsed onto his knees besides Sammy, that’s when I realized that he was hurt. When did that happen!? I purposely put them both in their positions to keep them safe.

But then I could see it… the light of Cas’ grace. The Grace we thought he had lost was healing him and the light from his palm… I don’t know how the hell he got his mojo back but there it was and he brought back Sammy.

Cas assures me that Sammy’s soul and mind are okay. Sam hasn’t spoken much, but I’m just glad to have him back, alive .

The other me is gone. More proof that we’ve done it. I hope he’s using what he knows back there to prevent Sammy and Cas from ever being hurt. To bad he left though, I would have loved to see his face when we found out that the Prophet of the Lord was really God Almighty. I should have known… he did say he was at one point. Figures.

Despite it all, I feel like the biggest shock today was the way Cas accepted his father’s gift of his Grace restored. He removed it and gave it to me for safekeeping. It’s strange. Even now, while he’s sleeping and I’m sitting in my old cabin making sure Sammy’s okay, I can feel Cas with me. His grace, at least, is comforting and I know we’re finally ready to live a normal life.

 

 

August 25th, 2009

Omg that was one hell of a trip. Thank goodness my cell is working again. It’s only been a day? Really? So glad I was finally sent back. I don’t know what I would have done if I had to go through that again. Maybe not writing a journal before the battle was all I needed to do. Nah. We did it, we iced the devil and last I saw, Castiel was bringing back Sam. So glad that was resolved but now I have to prevent it from happening it here and now. Gotta find Sammy and stop it. There is no way I am letting that happen.