Her question hung in the air between them, lingering. She felt her heart racing a mile a minute. “Of course I would,” he said, “I would do anything you asked of me.”
She twiddled her fingers, feeling the flesh she wanted him to touch and pleasure. She had decided on their drive back that she wanted him, for him. After going back to his hometown and seeing everything and all of who he was, she realized that she knew him in many ways, except one. She had known it then, fully on their way back, that she wanted him; wanted to know him in all the ways she possibly could. And she wanted to know him out of love not simply because she was horny, she wanted him as a person.
“But do you want to?I don’t want you to only do it because I’m asking you,” she said. He came to sit next to her on the edge of the bed where she was lying down.
“Believe me, I want to,” he said in such a husky voice that she blushed and looked away.
“I’ve never done it before, Billy. You’ll have to be gentle with me,” she said.
“I know. I know. I’ll take care of you,” he said. She nodded but still didn’t meet his eyes. She suddenly felt that it was incredibly hot in the room and she was surprised her glasses weren’t steaming up with heat.
“Hillary? We don’t have to do this, it’s not a requirement. I don’t expect anything from you. I don’t expect you to give me more than you are comfortable with,” he said breaking the silence. There he was again, giving her a choice, and always being gentle with her. It only strengthened her resolve of wanting him more.
“I want to, I really do. I’m just scared,” she admitted. She didn’t know how it would feel or what she was supposed to do.
“Of me?” Bill asked sadly, misinterpreting her silence.
“No! Seriously Bill, I’m not scared of you. I’m scared of it hurting or not knowing what to do, and I’m now embarrassed because I’m so inexperienced and I’m babbling and-“ her words were cut off by his lips on hers.
“Just shut up Hills,” he said smiling against their kiss playfully. He kissed her a bit more before pulling back to cradle her face in his hands.
“It won’t hurt. Your body is designed so it won’t hurt. The only reason it would hurt is if you were with some jerk who didn’t know or care what he was doing. I do care and I do know what I’’m doing so you’re safe with me. As for not knowing what to do, just do what feels right,” he said softly his voice diminishing every fear.
He was again looking at her as if she was the most amazing person in the world.
“Well then get started, Clinton,”she joked. In response he kissed her again, long and hard, gently pushing her so she was lying completely on her back. He then climbed over her, so he was hovering right above her, their lips still making that magic she loved so much. Then, his lips moved down to her chin, neck, and eventually to her collarbones. His fingers began to undo the buttons of the shirt she was wearing.
“No bra?” he smirked as he was gazing on her bare chest. She blushed again and was glad the lights were off.
“I didn’t want to wear one on the long ride home,” she answered even though he had resumed to kissing her collarbones. He continued to kiss her for a while longer in any way her chest, her breasts, and anything else that was within range.
“Okay. Enough fooling around let’s get you out of this,” he said and slipped both sleeves of the shirt off her and threw it to the floor. Again, heat seemed to be radiating from all over. It was a good type of heat. The type people use for fires and it reminded her of when they would sit and read in front of the fireplace.
“You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen you know that?” he rhetorically asked as he lowered himself down to kiss her inner thighs. He looked so beautiful to her there, hair navy blue in the dark room and barely illuminated from the porch light outside. She reached out with her hands pulling on his thick hair, causing him to moan.
“You see you do know what to do,” he moaned out as his lips continued to graze her thighs. She smiled, more relaxed now. He had taught her well in the time that they had been dating and she was beginning to feel more and more at ease. He knew her and he knew her hesitations and reservations and she knew that he would respect that.
“Bill, honey?” she asked.
“Mm?” he responded although he was preoccupied with rubbing and playing with her tender inner thigh flesh.
“Can we get to the sex part now?” she teased her heart still racing. Her virginal fears were still there, but she had decided not to give into them there was no room for fear when he was with her. “Well if you insist, Miss Rodham,” he replied and began to undress himself. Again, her face flushed with heat and she felt herself begin to tremble at the thought of him touching her.
“You’re so gorgeous,” she whispered. He really was, his perfectly chiseled but still human figure was exposed, almost a shining light blue ivory, illuminated from the outside streetlights and porch lights shining in from the window.
“I love you. Don’t you ever forget that,” he said so passionately that she felt her spin even though it was still pounding, it was a strange but pleasing sensation. Taking a leap of faith, she pulled down her underwear with her thumbs and his eyes radiated that heat she was feeling as she dropped his underwear that she had been wearing to the floor alongside their other clothes. He positioned himself so he was hovering over her once more. Face to Face. There was something incredibly sensual in the way they held each other’s gaze, not flinching, not blinking. It wasn’t awkward, it was magnetic, as if they were gazing into each other’s souls.
“Aw shit, protection,” he said and made a move towards the bed side drawer. She stopped him. “I’m on birth control. It’ll be fine. I want to- I want to feel all of you,” she said barely able to meet his eyes. He, however, seemed all too pleased.
“You went on birth control for me?” he teased. She rolled her eyes. This definitely was the Bill she had come to know, the Bill who liked to tease and be playful even in bed.
“Just shut up, Bills,” she mocked him by using the words he had thrown at her. In response, he only shook his head in amusement. He then realigned himself so he was just on the brisk of entering her. She could feel him already, not necessarily in but still rock hard against her sensitive clit. Her breathing hitched at the new contact.
“We’ll go slow first okay? If you want to stop or anything tell me. I love you,” he informed her softly, always softly. She nodded. With her permission, he finally entered her. She gasped as she felt him in her, and as she felt her own body expand to accommodate him, her eyes closing.
“You okay, pretty baby?” he asked from above her. She nodded.
“I’d like to hear that pretty voice, sweets,” he said still in that tender tone.
“Yes, I’m okay. It feels good,” she said her voice faint. With that, he began to thrust slowly but still in a way that she could feel on cloud nine. His strokes were strong and seemed to be hitting against all her walls in a way that made her knees weak. She found herself unable to keep from moaning and pretty soon there was one word she moaned over and over again: his name.
“I wanna see those pretty eyes too, sweets. Show me those pretty blue,” he said and she could tell he was feeling what she was. She opened her eyes and the sight of him nearly made her faint. His well defined jaw was clenched in concentration and his eyes seemed to be taking her all in, as if he had to memorize every part of her body. It was amazing feeling this all for the first time, and especially with him. He continued to pound into her lightly and of their own accord her hands
went to his back, she needed him even closer. Her eyes went to the ceiling memorizing every crack and crevice with each thrust he gave her.
“Eyes on me. I want you to see me,” he commanded. Her eyes went back to him, just the sight of him made her feel like she was going to pass out. With every thrust came an endearment of some sort, an “i love you” or “you’re my whole world.”
She needed more, more of him to end this famine she was feeling. She whined a bit and began to claw at his back.
“Faster,” she choked out. Instantly his thrusts quickened in speed, it was as if he had been holding back and had needed her too. She could feel her wetness slicking against his hard member and as he entered and exited her, he coated himself in her arousal.
“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this,” he said through gritted teeth. She bit her lip as her eyes remained on him, just as he had commanded. His eyes remained on her as well and upon seeing that she was biting her lip he let out a choked moan.
“This is amazing, fuck. I’ve never felt like this before, ever,” he said still panting for breath as he continued to thrust. He hit her most sensitive spot and she yelled out his name. It was all too pleasing and she suddenly was glad that she had waited. Bill was a man and he knew what he was doing, and she was glad she had waited so long so her first time was with him. He hit her sensitive spot several times and she felt herself begin to get wobbly at the knees and like her head was going to explode in a good way. Suddenly she felt an euphoric natural high coming on. This must be orgasming, she thought. He was everywhere as she hit her high and it felt like a shot of pure adrenaline going through her. Now she knew why people became sex addicts, because he was everywhere and she still felt like she couldn’t get enough. So maybe more accurately she was an addict for him. He seemed at the end of his rope as well as he seemed to be reaching his climax. His hands gripped her hips, holding her down and closer as he pounded into her with full force now.
“fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” he muttered and suddenly gasped as he climaxed. She felt herself fill up with his fluid and they both gasped in unison.His thrusts again became passionate and slower and many I love yous came from his lips.
“You’ve been deprived of this your whole life,” he moaned as he struggled to keep going, seeming not to want to stop.
“But not with me. You deserve to be touched and have love made to you every day,” at last he panted and pulled out of her, collapsing at her side. His hair was a mess and she knew that hers was matted with sweat, she could just imagine what they looked like; sweating, flushed, and messy haired.
“I’m not done with you yet, come here and let me take care of you,” he said his voice still recovering. She rolled closer and his arm wrapped around her waist so she was pressed to his chest.
“That felt so good. I don’t ever want to stop, or go anywhere, I want to stay here with you,” she said nuzzling into his chest. It had been better than she could have ever imagined and she was so overwhelmed by her feelings for him.
“Then stay. We have all time time in the world. Classes don’t start up again until tomorrow” he said kissing her hair.
“Are you suggesting we do this until then?” she teased although the idea didn’t bother her much. “You said it, darling, not me,” he teased back. She felt so safe here. This wouldn’t have been something she would have imagined for herself. She never imagined that she would have a significant other, she always thought people found her uninteresting enough for that. Bill found her plenty interesting, his eyes were always on her and he was currently kissing her bare shoulder. “I want to try something, if you’ll let me,” he cooed against her flesh. At this point, she wanted to try anything and everything with him. She nodded.
“Hillary have you ever heard of choking someone sexually?”
she was under him again so beautiful and trusting. Her bright wide eyes looked up at him with so much awe it hurt.
"Try not to kill me, Bill. I wanna live forever," she said giggling. Now, all her nerves had seemed to leave and he could tell she was more relaxed. He had been nervous as well although he had hid it. He had been nervous that he would do something wrong because despite all his experience, she still made him feel brand new.
"I won't. I need you around forever, pretty girl," he said and his hands went gently around her throat. She gasped a bit in her soft girly way. She had been just as amazing as he had imagined, wrapped around him perfectly. Every touch he had given her had been out of love and even in the blazing heat of sex, it hadn't just been physical. No, this time had been special. Every thrust, every kiss, and every stroke were meant to demonstrate his love for her, and of course to pleasure her. That's why he wanted to try this now, to bring her more pleasure, she deserved it; she deserved to feel good.
"It'll be okay. I know how to do this safely. Still, we're going to use the stoplight method. If you want me to stop say red and if you want me to slow down say yellow," he instructed her. Despite his experience and dominance, she was truly the one in control. They were respecting her boundaries and she was letting him know what was okay or not. She wasn't a innocent submissive as some may think on the surface. No, she was innocent but she had a sense of dignity and she knew what she wanted, he fucking admired that. She wasn't naive either, she was incredibly intelligent and in command.
"Okay," she said confidently. He made a v shape with his hands around her neck and loosened his grasp gently for a moment, allowing her to prepare herself for this. He then reaffirmed his grasp and applied pressure with his entire hands, but still gently. He pressed down so he was cutting off some air, but only some. He looked down to make sure she was okay, she seemed to be on a natural high as her air circulation was cut off by a few seconds. After counting mentally in his head to five he released his grasp, letting her catch her breathe.
"Oh, that felt so-so amazing," she said after catching her breathe. He chuckled a bit, despite having lost her virginity she still looked so innocent. He was starting to think that looking innocent was just an inherent Hillary trait.
"Do it again," she begged. He stroked her hair away from her face and tucked a soft lock behind her ear.
"Wait five more minutes, you need to catch your breath fully," he said. He wanted to bring her more pleasure and he loved how she looked when light headed, but he was still going to take all the necessary precautions. She pouted a bit.
"C'mon, Billy, don't be a party pooper," she said.
"You passing out or getting hurt would be a party pooper," he answered and kissed her on the nose. She had a cute nose, nice and round and he loved how it seemed to droop when she pouted. "What happens if you're choked unconscious?" She asked curiously. He stayed there, close to her face occasionally grazing his lips across her skin. "It depends. A girl can be choked unconscious and she'll be okay as long as the guy knows what he's doing. Once the pressure from her carotid arteries is released, blood flow returns to her brain. We're just starting out though. So you're only getting a taste of this to be safe," he said and kissed her cheek quickly. She seemed to be thinking and he knew that she was probably intrigued by the information, she always liked learning new things.
"You know so much about this," she said thinking out loud.
"Well I have to. I didn't want to end up hurting anyone," he said. He checked the time, she only had two minutes left to wait.
"Do you think that maybe one day you can choke me unconscious?" She said taking him off guard again.
"You're into that?" He asked. He hadn't pegged her as the type. It wasn't a bad thing, but he was interested in knowing why. He glanced at her and she seemed to be blushing.
"Well I never thought about it before obviously, but I'm interested in anything having to do with you," she confessed.
"You're cute, you know that?" He said and repositioned himself so his hands were around her
"Hold it longer," she urged him, licking her lips.
"Baby, you're just starting out," he told her softly again. She rolled her eyes but didn't protest. He began to lightly run his thumb against her neck, then he held his grasp; again counting to five. She seemed to be enjoying it, her big eyes looking at him as if he had hung the moon, as she began to get light headed again. And again after he released his grasp on her, he allowed her to catch her breath and then went to lie down next to her. Instinctively, she took up their usual cuddling position and he held her, rocking her gently.
"You're my one good thing. I hope you know how much I love you and how much I will always love you," he told her meaning every word of it as he stroked her hair. Making love to her had restored something he hadn't known he had lost. It had been physical and spiritual, their souls intertwining as each of them craved for the other. She had shown him how powerful sex could be when it was more than physical, and like many times before she had healed him. Sex wasn't just some way to get off now, it wasn't that simple. No, it was the meeting of two souls desperately grasping for each other through the vessels they were in.
"I love you too. I never knew I could love someone so much," she said confirming that she was thinking the same. She nuzzled her face into his chest and yawned a bit and he loved it, he loved that she was so comfortable with him.
"Talk me to sleep again, tell me a story," she whispered into his chest. In that moment, everything seemed right in the world. She was everything that was right in this world, her laughter and kindness and the way she loved so fully, it was the goodness casting out every evil.
"How about I tell you the story of how a girl named Hillary saved a boy named Bill?" He asked as his lips grazed her soft hair once more.
"Sounds like a nice story. Tell me it," she said her eyes already closed.
"There once was a broken boy named Bill Clinton who was going down the wrong path. Who knows how much time he had left before he messed up and got himself into bigger problems. He might have ended up dead one day, or grow old bitter and alone. All that changed when he met a girl named Hillary Rodham who steered him on the right course.."
She had fallen asleep on his chest and her breathing was a gentle melody. He himself had stayed up watching her, taking in every curve and crook of her gentle face. He loved her deeply, and he wanted to capture this moment. He had taken many more pictures of her in Arkansas; pictures of her laughing in the tier park, eating biscuits, and one he held most dear: a picture he had asked his mother to take of the two of them, her sitting on his lap as they both laughed. He gently got out of the bed as to not wake her up, and he turned on the lamp. He dug through the drawer finding her old Polaroid that still had some film left.
This picture would be for him and him alone, no one else would see it. He snapped the picture and as it developed into her beautiful image, again he was overcome by how much she trusted him. He reached for his pants on the floor and put the photograph in his wallet alongside the other ones. He suddenly remembered about Packer and the bet, and the rest of that nonsense. As always, when he was with her, she had wiped everything else away from his mind until the only person in the world to him was her.
Now she was asleep, and those outside thoughts came back. After having her with him tonight, so vulnerable but yet so willing to trust him; he had decided that he would tell her about the bet tomorrow, but first he would stick it to Packer and he would tell them that they can go fuck themselves. He went to sleep with that thought in mind, thinking it would be that simple. If only it were.
She wished she hadn’t opened the glove compartment that morning. She wished she could have just rewinded back to then and not have opened the glove compartment looking for the dragonfly necklace he had given her. On their way back from Arkansa, she had taken it off and left it somewhere in the car. Having remembered about it, she had searched the car for it this morning as he had finished breakfast. Her only focus had been on finding it and she had forgotten Scott’s words until she had opened the glove compartment and had come face to face with what was undeniably weed. Her whole body had stiffened as she had seen it because it had confirmed one thing: he had lied to her. She hadn’t had much of a chance to labor on it or react because Bill had come out asking her if she was ready to go. So she had slammed the glove compartment shut, and hadn’t said a word as he had driven them to campus. If he had thought her behavior was strange, he didn’t tell her. Rather, he had simply walked her to her introduction to law class and had given her a quick kiss which she had accepted out of routine.
Now, as she sat in her introduction to law class, she labored on what this meant. She hadn’t found the necklace, but she was way past caring now. Her only thoughts were of why he would lie to her about this. She tried to contain her thoughts and think that maybe there was a logical explanation to this. Maybe he had simply not wanted her to know about it because he was ashamed. Maybe it was linked to his step father or something of the sort. She was glad that she didn’t have to work today, she didn’t start up again until tomorrow, and she was now thankful for that as her mind was too preoccupied with this matter.
Class was dismissed, and she took longer putting her books back into her bag as she felt dazed. “How was your break?” Scott asked coming up to her. Not right now please, she thought. Please don’t let him see through me, please don’t let him see that he had been right. Because he was. As much as it pained her to think that Bill had lied to her, it paled in contrast to know that someone as despicable as Scott had been telling her the truth.
“It was fine,” she said and headed out the door. He followed.
“Are you okay? You look sick,” Scott noted as they walked out the door. Well so much for him not noticing. She ignored him, and continued to walk alongside him in silence. She wanted him to go away. Go away, Scott, don’t plant any more ideas in my head, she thought. Just this morning, Bill had made love to her again, so tenderly, even more gentle and sensual than before, and she couldn’t bring her mind to think that this man that loved her so much would lie to her.
“Is it Bill? Did he do something?” Scott probed. She stopped in her tracks, facing him head on. As much as it bothered her, she would have to get him to leave her alone using words.
“No. It’s none of your beeswax just go away,” she said, but her voice sounded faint even to her. She wanted to go through her day like normal and then talk to Bill about this. He would make things better, he would make it go away.
“He did do something. I’m guessing you found the weed?” he asked. She wanted to keep her face hidden from betraying her thoughts, but she knew that her eyes had reacted. It was Bill’s weed she knew it. At first she had thought for a moment that Scott could have planted it there, he had been the one who told her where it was after all. This theory had quickly been disputed by the fact that Scott didn’t know where they lived, and he most certainly couldn’t have gotten into Bill’s car because he was always making sure to lock it.
“Hillary? It’s okay, I told you this would happen,” he said again trying to mimic Bill’s soft tone. He had told her, and although she knew it wasn’t good for her, she suddenly felt like she needed to know more. She knew it was wrong, she knew she should wait and hear from Bill, but curiosity was eating away at her like termites.
“What else do you know?” She asked him, for a second abandoning every instinct she had that told her not to do this.
“You’re what? Who do you think you’re talking to?” Packer asked him. After dropping off Hillary, he had gone to find Packer. It hadn’t been too hard, he was always somewhere where there was an audience. So naturally, he found him in the student quad with some of the royals, and other cronies, plus a lot of chicks.
“I said, I’m done with this, and I’m done with you. You can go fuck yourself,” he said now turning away. He didn’t want to spend too much time on this, he wanted to be there to meet Hillary after class and to tell her the truth. Now, there was only one matter of business left. Bambi. He wouldn’t need the weed any longer because there would no longer be a reason to feel guilty.
As he walked to her dorm, he thought of Hillary. She had been quiet this morning, but he had written it off as her just thinking about last night, and this morning. She had again wrapped herself around him, soft thighs around his waist as he had once again shown her how much she meant to him. Her hair, golden in the sunlight, had surrounded him and her scent had been everywhere. He knew by now that he was a goner for her, there was no going back. So, he would undo this mess and take the steps needed in order for them to be able to have a future together, without the bet looming over them.
“Bill? What are you doing here?” Bambi asked. She looked terrible, her eyes were covered in sparkling blue eyeshadow and she was wearing a sort of leotard.
“I’m here to return this. I won’t be needing it anymore,” he told her handing her the bag of weed he had taken out of the glove compartment. He didn’t bother to ask her what was with the weird get up, knowing her it was probably for Packer’s amusement.
“What do you mean? You told me this calmed you,” she said taking the bag either way. He had told her that. He had told her how guilty he felt about the bet and that the drug helped soothe him. Unfortunately, he had told her many things while he had been helping her; sometimes it was just to get her to calm down and stop screaming. Now, he regretted telling her these things since it seemed that she was making no conscious effort to change.
“I told Packer he can fuck himself, and I’m going to tell Hillary about the bet this afternoon,” he explained, a bit smug because he had remembered how she had tried to hold this over his head before. Now, no one held anything over him. He was free and he would tell Hillary himself. “Oh,” she said in a small voice, he couldn’t quite place it. He didn’t particularly give a fuck, he didn’t plan on seeing her again after this.
“Yeah, I’ll see you around,” he said and turned not intending to see her again; not noticing that his wallet had been pick pocketed.
She hadn’t waited for Bill. How could she after what Scott had told her? She was aware that Scott could just be lying, but she needed time to compose herself. She had thought he had been lying before.
But that had proven to be true.
So, she had walked a short distance and waited for a bus to take her as close as she could get to the house, then she walked the remainder of the way to the house. She tried to ease her shaking, and to abandon the doubt from her mind, as she got into the house and made herself busy in the kitchen. She wanted to pretend that it was like any other day, and she was waiting for him to get home from work and she was simply making lunch. But that wasn’t reality.
The reality was that he didn’t work today and he was most likely looking for her everywhere, and that was a good thing. She needed time, time to think. Except for once in her life her thoughts wouldn’t come to her in the fluid connections they always did. No, now they came like a mass jumble all at once. Every beautiful memory she had with him was over laid by Scott’s words. ‘Part of a bet.”
‘He was really seeing Bambi.’
‘He wanted to join Packer’s fraternity.’
Her hands shook as she finished making yet another one of the many sandwiches she was busy making in order to convince herself everything was okay. She felt strange, as if she might burst any second. It reminded her of the pipes back home, when they became frozen during the winter and would completely combust.
She imagined that’s what her heart looked like now. She had thought she had known him, but was that Bill even real. It must be, she willed herself to believe. He had taken her to meet his family and he had bought the house after all, and even Cotton was a gift from him.
Still, there was evidence against him, the weed being a solid one. May had also warned her of him, and had told her of how she had seen him come out of Bambi’s room. She hadn’t wanted to believe it then, and she didn’t want to believe it now. His kind words from this morning came back to her mind. ‘You’re my girl. My best thing. My most sweetest treasure, and my very best friend,'he had told her as his lips had grazed her naked body. At that moment she had felt so sure of his love, and her heart had nearly given out at his display of affection.
Now was different.
Now she felt like a storm was brewing. As if on cue, she heard the door unlock and she heard him calling her name. Eventually he found her in the kitchen and he raised his eyebrows upon seeing how many sandwiches she had made.
“I looked everywhere for you. Are you okay? Why didn’t you meet me at our usual spot?” He asked, it was obvious that he had done some walking as well, as he was out of breath. She didn’t want to confront him, she wanted to pretend that everything was normal for a few moments, only a few.
“I wanted to walk. I’m fine. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” she said. One lie, she wasn’t fine. He took her in his arms and pressed a kiss to her forehead.
“I found the necklace by the way. You left it in the back seat,” he said and began to kiss her. She didn’t struggle or try to push away from him, she wanted to enjoy this; and enjoy his familiar taste. His lips moved gently guiding hers, always guiding. His soft mouth was warm and she adored it still despite everything.
But there was a problem.
Too many girls had enjoyed kissing him, and if what Scott had said was true then he had kissed Bambi all this time. She shoved him away.
“Keep it,” she said catching her breath. She felt her heart pounding and it seemed like every part of her body was screaming at her for shoving him away. Her body wanted him, but her mind knew better. As much as she hated this, she needed to confront him about it.
“What?” he asked clearly confused.
“Keep your necklace Bill. Maybe you can sell it to buy more weed,” she said a bit harshly for her. She saw his eyes widen, almost in fear, but mostly in shock. He reached for her, but she moved away.
“No! I know okay? I know about everything, so just come clean. Was it all a lie? Were you really just with me because of a bet?” She asked her voice shaking. She hated it! She hated how she seemed to be a fish floundering out of water and she hated feeling the tears coming on.
“It wasn’t a lie, being with you was not a lie,” he said and it sounded like he was on the verge of tears as well. He still hadn’t answered her question.
“Were you really with me because of a bet?” she asked again. He seemed to be having an internal conflict.
“Yes and no, let me explain,” he said, and those words shattered her. She had been dying for him to say it was false, for him to call her a silly girl like he sometimes would and just hold her. But he had admitted there was some truth to this. Now she felt like the air had been knocked out of her, but unlike last night this did not feel good. This felt like dying, like being choked but not in the good way. He had choked her gently last night and it had been pleasing, and she found it ironic that his physical choke hadn’t hurt her like his words did. His words were suffocating her.
“I need to go,” she said. In the back of her mind she knew that she wasn’t being fair by not letting him explain, but she wanted to be anywhere but here.
“No. Please, no. Please don’t leave. Let me explain, please. I was going to tell you about this,” he said sounding so broken that for a moment she considered letting him explain; letting him talk her down with that honey molasses voice she had grown to love so much. She felt hurt that he had kept this from her when she had given him everything. She had been there for him, always thinking of him and now she had found out that he had kept this from her.
“Were you planning on telling me before or after you took my virginity?” she threw back, wanting him to feel the hurt she was feeling. It worked. His eyes began to become that sad gray and he seemed crushed.
“It was never like that! Please. It may have started as a bet, but i developed real feelings for you. I love you, that’s not a lie,” he choked out, for once his words not coming out smoothly. Now the tears spilled over, she couldn’t keep them back. She found herself wishing for a second that she
had never met him so she would never have to experience this much hurt.
“Please don’t cry,” he said although he was sobbing himself. It was the first time she had ever seen him cry. She couldn’t be here anymore, she needed to remove herself from him, from what was causing this hurt. She stormed out of the kitchen and went to their room to pack some things. He followed her.
“No! Don’t leave, please. I don't want to be alone, ” he said still sounding just as broken. She continued to throw all her clothes into the duffel bag she had just unpacked the night before. She could barely see from the tears clouding her eyes. He tried to stop her with his hands but she pushed him away.
“Don’t touch me, again. Ever!” she shouted. It sounded so unlike her and even though every part of her body wanted him even now, she knew it wasn’t good for her. She couldn’t take it. It was all too much. Their relationship had been built on a lie and even though there were some moments that had seemed genuine and beautiful, she didn’t know what was real or not anymore. The only things she could hear were his crying and her pounding heart.
“Stop crying! You wanted this. You wanted to be in Packer’s fraternity and you wanted to be with Bambi,” she said. She found it strange how his tears could still cause her so much pain. She wanted to go to him, comfort him, but at the same time she wanted to hurt him.
“No Hillary, I didn’t want this,” he sobbed and she threw her duffel bag over her shoulder. She knew she couldn’t stay in this house anymore, she couldn’t stay with him; she had to take care of herself first.
“How did you find out about this? Who told you?” he asked blocking her way out the door so she was forced to look at him. She hated how tall he was and how he was so big, and how she felt so small. She wanted to strike him down, kiss him, hurt him, and leave all at the same time.
“Scott told me. He told me you were with Bambi too. Fuck, I was so stupid I should have believed May,” she said. And now she cussed, because she had run out of words to express how broken and betrayed she felt.
“Did Scott tell you he was on the other end of that bet? And I was never with Bambi!” He shouted as the tears rolled down his face.
“So you were never with Bambi? You’re still lying after everything,” she said and a sob finally choked it’s way out from the deepest part of her chest. She wanted to hear him say it now, say how he had betrayed her. Own it, she thought. You wanted to break me, so own it.
“It’s complicated. She wanted to black mail me and threatened to tell you about the bet. I was scared, so i failed you and I did what she wanted. I’m sorry,” he pleaded.
And suddenly her mind was filled with images of him touching Bambi. Those same hands and lips that had shown her the world had been on the one girl who had hurt her. She felt so broken, never in her life had she felt this much hurt. Not even when she had scrapped her knee when hiking or burned herself while cooking.
“Move, Bill. I’m leaving,” she commanded trying to sound strong, but she felt so very weak. He made no effort to move.
“Bill let me go,” she whispered, “just let me go.”
“I can’t,” he said as one lone tear fell down his beautiful cheek. She knew then that she needed to go now, or she never would. She gently shoved past him and he let her pass, maybe because he was too weak to put up a fight or because in some way he was still trying to respect her boundaries. She stopped to retrieve Cotton from the laundry room, she wasn’t going to leave her behind.
“Don’t go. If you want, I’ll go but I bought this house for you, it’s yours,” he whispered as she gathered Cotton’s things. Her arms were overflowing with things but she didn’t ask for help, she didn’t want to look at him longer than necessary or she may throw everything away and stay with him.
“I can’t stay here,” she said and moved towards the front door. She struggled to get it open, but she did. She felt the cool air of outside come and engulf her. She didn’t look at him as she left, but she heard him crying still and as she left she heard him say one last thing: “I’m so sorry.”
He was alone again, and he had no one to blame but himself. He stood there for a while watching where she had just left, before he sunk to his knees in despair. He felt trapped, like he couldn’t breathe. He was shaking, and he felt himself cry for the first time in years. He didn’t know how much time had passed of him just lying there on the floor, but he cried until he couldn’t anymore; until he was empty and blank staring at the wall. His nightmares had come true, the nightmare where he would lose her. Seeing her cry had broken him. They had begun with him putting tears in her eyes and they had ended with him putting tears in her eyes.
How he had hated to see her cry, to see her broken because of him. Yes, he had been going to tell her the truth, but he had waited too long and now he was facing the consequences. The house suddenly felt empty without her, almost as empty as he felt. He now understood what she meant, he would have to leave too; it wasn’t the same without her. That would have to wait, however, right now he felt anger within him. Anger had always come to him when he was hurt, it was his default mode; but this time he had someone to direct his anger at other than himself, Scott. He needed to find him.
Somehow he managed to get up from the floor and into his car, driving to campus.
All the way there his thoughts were of her, of her laughter and how happy she had been, and how he had ruined it. He had ruined the one good thing he had going for him, and he didn’t know how he would be able to hold up.
The only thing driving him right now was his anger towards Scott, once that was done and over with he knew he would be left just as empty and purposeless as before.
Scott wasn’t hard to find.
In fact, it seemed like he was waiting for him.
They were all there: Scott, Bambi, and Packer. They were all sitting in the student quad on a bench.
“Hey Clinton,” Scott said sneering. Bill, however wasn’t in the mood for games, not after he had lost the one person who meant everything to him. He had nothing left to lose now.
“You piece of shit,” he growled and scuffed up Scott by the collar. He felt that rage that he had kept hidden and hadn’t felt in so long stir within him and he wanted to hurt Scott. In fact he was sure he would have if he didn’t notice what Packer had in his hand: his wallet.
He dropped Scott.
“What are you doing?” he asked, but he feared he already knew the answer. Packer was going through the pictures in his wallet, flipping through each of them.
“Seems like you won the bet, Bill. I knew you would do it,” Packer said impressed as his eyes now lingered on the picture Bill had taken of Hillary just last night.
“I didn’t give you those pictures and I told you I was out of the bet,” he said. He knew at this point it didn’t make much difference, the damage was done. Still, he didn’t want Packer thinking he was a sleaze like him.
“I know. Bambi gave me it. I’m still impressed though you’re in the royals now if you still want to be in,” Packer said. Bill, however wasn’t listening. It all came clear to him now.
Bambi had played him.
“Why?” he asked looking at her. He had tried to be her friend despite her terrible attitude and he had tried to help her, and now she did this to him.
“Because, it’s what I do. I know you told me I don’t have to live like this and I don’t have to be a bitch, but that’s all I have going for me. So I told Scott everything and I told you to put the weed in the glove compartment. I played you like a fucking fiddle Clinton,” she said. He felt so stupid and he wanted to start this whole day over desperately wanted to rewind the day.
“But the plant,” he said. Bambi had said she set Scott up with that terrible plant.
“Also set up. We knew you would overreact and make Hillary mad at you if Scott tried to give her a gift,” she sneered.
It all made sense, at the center of it all it had been Bambi who had really taken him down. He had confided in her and she had used his goodness against him. He was starting to remember why he
used to be so cold and he felt like a hurricane was going through him. He snatched his wallet from Packer’s hands.
“Doesn’t matter, we already made copies,” Bambi sneered again and it took everything in him not to yell at her then and there. He didn’t know what to do except leave, he had already lost Hillary, there was nothing more that he could do. He would go back to the house and sulk for the night. Tomorrow he would go back to his old dorm if possible. The thought of sleeping alone tonight pained him deeply, but there was no other option; there was no replacement for her.
“Hey, Clinton,” Scott called to him as he walked away, “I told you I always get what I want.”