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My Shadow

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I have a shadow. Since I was a child it was there. It was always there. Right there beneath my feet. Always following, sometimes hiding, but always there.

I could feel it.

I felt when it grew and when it shrunk. Not only with the sun but also with my temper. I always tried to hold it down. I don't know why, but I did. I was afraid of it, I believe.

When it grew too strong for me to handle I took a pill. It held the shadow down for a few hours. But I could still feel it. It was like it was sleeping then woke up but still too tired to grow again. When it was fully awaken the circle started from the beginning.

My whole life it was like this. I felt it lurking inside me. I could feel how it wanted to break out. How angry it was that I didn't let it.

The shadow felt too dark, like it consumed and destroyed all light around it. It didn't feel right.

I knew I was something different, but no one would tell me what it was. So I just lived on with it.

Now I see what happens when it gets out.

When he gets out.

He does things I wouldn't do. He goes to places where I wouldn't go. He is so different to what I am. But sometimes I see parts of myself in him. He shares the same memories. He knows the people I know and he knows what I said and did. For me it takes longer to remember. I wake up and don't know where I am or how I got there and he would laugh behind me when I struggle. He whispers in my ear with his silver tongue when I'm in control. He always wants to get out. Sometimes he makes fun of me or screams behind me and jumps around. Sometimes he gets out this way and then the only thing I can do is wait for him to sleep and then carefully drag him back inside without waking him before I can get my body back.

When my shadow takes control, I'm the one who is forced to follow along at his feet. I know he can feel that I'm there. Always following, sometimes hiding, but always there.

But I don't know how to grow and he knows that too. I can only try to talk to him but he often simply ignores me.

My shadow has a name now.

His name is 'Hyde'.