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Jacky's and Becky's Bizarre Adventures

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“But Yuuri!!!” Victor is so drunk and his mouth so heart-shaped that Yuri swears he can fucking see the three exclamation marks as he addresses his about equally shit-faced husband. “All I'm saying is that I'm very flattered and still don't think you should delete that blog! Think about how much effort you put into it! Not to mention all your followers that count on you to provide them with more content!”

“B-but Victor!” Katsudon is slurring slightly as well, but the bright redness of his face has nothing to do with the half-empty bottle of champagne that he is currently clutching as if his life is depending on it, “We're married! I can't – I made that blog when I was your fan!

Yuri swears to god that Victor even pouts in heart-shapes. It's ridiculous. Yuri is so fucking done with this stupid banquet. The press people and sponsors have already left anyway, and Yuri is more than ready to do the same before things can escalate like they almost always do. Either that or he needs more booze. He takes the champagne from Katsudon just to see what might happen and takes a hearty swig before Yuuri even realizes that his life-line has just been snatched away.

“Yuuri!!! Are you saying you're not my fan anymore just because we're married?!” Victor looks close to tears and that's it, Yuri needs a hella lot more champagne if he's forced to deal with that. Unfortunately, now it's his turn to have the bottle snatched away from him by none other than his own boyfriend. Bloody traitor.

“Oy, asshole, I was drinking that,” Yuri complains, but JJ just wiggles his stupid eyebrows at him and drinks right from the bottle. He's about to wrestle the champagne out of the Canadian's grasp but his other boyfriend beats him to it. JJ doesn't put up much of a fight and lets Otabek have his share. Yuri rolls his eyes; it's always the same with those two.

“YURATCHKA!”

Yuri winces, and wiggles out of the way just in time to prevent Victor from draping himself all over him, with the rather amusing result that the so-called living legend ends up spread out over two chairs and half the table, ass in the air, one hand clutching at Otabek's leather jacket for support, the other still reaching for Yuri.

“What the fuck, old man?” Yuri hisses, then uses the momentary confusion to snatch the champagne bottle back from Otabek. Little victories and all that.

“Yuratchka,” Victor repeats, a little less loudly than before and instead with an extra dramatic hair-flip, “Tell him!”

“Tell who what, geezer?”

“Tell my Yuuri that it's not embarrassing or weird or creepy to have a blog dedicated to your husband!”

“Oh my god, Victor. Why would I do that? It's totally weird and definitely embarrassing. Depending on what he posts probably also creepy, not to mention not safe for work.”

Yuri sees how Katsudon flinches and blushes even harder than before, and okay, whoa, now Yuri is really glad that he's never actually seen that particular tumblr shrine dedicated to Russia's skating god. Not that he's ever been tempted or anything.

“I think it's super cute,” Phichit chimes in, wherever the fuck he might have come from all of a sudden, “It would be so sad if you deleted it!”

“Exactly!” Victor nods enthusiastically, heart-shaped smile firmly back in place.

The problem is, by now it's Katsudon who looks as if he's about to cry. Yuri can't let that happen; he can already feel his blood getting ready to boil at the first hint of dampness in those hazel eyes.

“Get your act together Katsudon, I was just joking.” He tries to hand the bottle back to Katsudon as a peace offering, but the Japanese refuses to take it.

“N-no, you're right, Yurio,” he whimpers, still red in the face and still on the brink of tears.

“Nooooo he's not!” Victor lets go of Otabek's jacket to emphasize his protest by wildly waving his hands about, and promptly falls off the table.

It's a complete mystery to Yuri how this is the same person that can make an audience of thousands of people collectively hold their breath at his elegance and grace.

When it looks like Victor is content with continuing his campaign for his husbands fanblog from his new place on the carpet, Yuri kicks him in the thighs until Otabek takes pity on him and helps him get to his feet again. He doesn't stop babbling on even for a second and just leans back in one of the chairs, flashing Yuri a half-smile that, after years of sharing a rink with him, Yuri has learned to fear.

“Yuratchka here is in no position to talk, you know,” Victor smiles, rubbing one of the sore spots on his thigh and not sounding quite as drunk anymore all of a sudden. Yuri almost drops the champagne.

“What's that supposed to mean?” JJ asks curiously. Yuri doesn't need to look at his boyfriends to know that Otabek's eyebrows are raised to echo JJ's question.

Yuri's fingers are curled so hard around the neck of the bottle that his knuckles are white and his hand is shaking.

“Victor, I swear to god, don't-”

“Why, don't tell me your boyfriends don't know about it?”

“Know about what?” Otabek asks.

Victor beams. “His blog about the two of you, of course!”

“VICTOR YOU'RE SO FUCKING DEAD!”

Victor swiftly hops on and slides off the table faster and more nimble than he has any right to be and is already safely on the other side and hidden behind Yuuri and Phichit by the time JJ and Otabek have shaken off their momentary confusion to each grab one of Yuri's arms to keep him from strangling Victor.

“You run a blog about us, Princess?”

“No!” Yuri yells, furiously struggling against both of them even though he knows from (a lot of) experience that he has no chance of breaking out of their combined hold of him. It's very nice under the right circumstances. Right now it's decidedly not. “I don't have a fucking blog about fucking anything, okay?”

“Liar,” Victor chirps from his cowardly hiding place behind hamster boy and the pig. Yuri has no idea how or when Victor found out about his secret, but it doesn't matter, because he won't live much longer to tell the tale. He switches from English to Russian to let him know more efficiently and in vivid bloody detail how exactly he's going to fucking end him, when–

“Yura. Enough.”

Otabek's voice, as per usual, is able to reach him even through the red-hot inferno in his mind, expertly cutting the correct wires to defuse the bomb. Yuri doesn't know how Otabek does it, but it works. Every. Fucking. Time. Yuri holds his tongue and stops fighting.

“Fine, I'll kill him later. You all gotta sleep at some point, right?” Yuri growls, unwilling to admit defeat. They know better, though, and let go of him. And Yuri makes no move to charge at Victor, proving them right. Goddammit.

“So what kind of blog are we talking about and why haven't I heard of it before?” Phichit asks brightly.

“Uhm,” Yuri says, stupidly. To make things even worse he can feel a blush creep up his neck.

“Come on, Princess, no need to be ashamed!” JJ beams at him, even more stupidly, but he looks so ridiculously adorable that Yuri suppresses the urge to kick him. Which he immediately regrets, of course, when JJ keeps on blabbering enthusiastically.

“You have two outrageously handsome boyfriends who also happen to be exceptionally successful figure skaters slash a popular DJ slash lead singer in a band! It would be a crime not to set up a fan blog about us!”

“Well. Arrest me, then,” Yuri dead-pans. He can hear Victor snicker happily and flips him off without looking at him.

“Oh my god,” squeals Phichit, in the same tone he always uses when he thinks he's come across a particularly juicy or scandalous piece of gossip, “Is it an anti-blog?!”

“What? No!” Yuri pauses, then bites his lip, “I mean, hm. Well...”

While Victor explodes into a wheezing fit of laughter, Yuri pretends to be very interested in the plush, wine-red carpet at his feet. Maybe, if he's really quick, he can still take Victor down with him before his boyfriends team up and murder him.

“You... you have an anti-blog about us? What does that even mean?” JJ sounds so confused and wounded that it hurts.

“Of course not, idiot! It's not like that. I swear, it's... not that bad.”

“It really isn't. I'd say it's rather entertaining,” Victor unhelpfully provides with another wide smile that makes Yuri wanna punch his perfect teeth in.

“Entertaining how?” It's the first time since his initial intervention that Otabek has spoken at all and once again his voice alone is enough to make all of Yuri's attention snap into focus, and he even brings himself to look into Otabek's inquiring eyes.

“Explain, kitten.”

Yuri takes a deep breath and mentally kisses his blog good-bye. It was nice while it lasted, he guesses.

“Fine. First of all, no, it's not a fan blog, there's enough of those around already.” Not that Yuri knows this because he's following most of them or anything. “It's nothing like the pig's blog, it's mostly sfw and-”

“Mostly?” JJ interrupts him, looking worried, while Otabek gives him an especially intense version of his trademark Frown Of Stern Disapproval.

“Shut up and let me finish, okay?” Yuri snaps and glares at them. Everybody is staring at him expectantly, and it makes him even more irritable than usual. He takes a deep breath before he continues.

“So, you know how I always try to tell people about the ridiculous and reckless and stupid things the two of you come up with? And how usually nobody ever believes me, because there's no way anybody is actually that dumb, and it also seems statistically impossible that I somehow ended up dating two idiots of that caliber?”

Otabek's frown has deepened dangerously, but he looks also vaguely guilty so Yuri deems it safe to continue.

“I thought since people were already accusing me of making up all those stories I might as well go and publish them somewhere. And people seemed to like them, and wanted me to continue. So that's what I did. Before I knew it I had over four thousand followers and some of my posts were at over a hundred thousand notes. I still get anons that are like 'cool story bro' but I think the majority of my readers has come to realize that you can't possibly make that shit up. So there. That's it. Now you can fucking dump me if you must, or whatever.”

Otabek and JJ look like they're in some kind of shocked stupor and while it's somewhat hilarious it's also freaking Yuri out a little. He never wanted them to find out. He always felt like they deserved some sort of ridicule for some of their jackassery, but maybe he had gone too far with this? What if they actually dumped him over it?!

“Yurio, you could seriously harm their reputation with this, you know that, right?”

“I know, piggy,” Yuri growls, “Which is why I don't use their real names, or mine, for that matter.”

At that, both of his boyfriends visibly relax. JJ even smiles slightly.

“So, we're like what, tumblr famous without being tumblr famous?”

“Pretty much, yeah,” Yuri nods, glad that JJ doesn't seem to be mad at him. He casts his other boyfriend an uncertain look, not sure how to interpret Otabek's unreadable expression.

“This is unexpectedly embarrassing,” he says when their gazes meet, sounding rather dumbfounded.

“Good. You kinda deserve that,” Yuri smirks, relieved. It feels so satisfying when neither JJ nor Otabek objects to that that he almost takes pity on them.

“But like I said, no worries. Nobody knows it's about you. No names, no pictures that show any identifying features, and I keep anything skating related completely out of it,” he assures them, “Which is why I couldn't share such gems as that one night in Madrid when we broke in to the rink and the two of you did a Zamboni race and crashed through the boards. Or that time in Sweden when the two of you got arrested at the after party of that skate show in Stockholm. It was all over the news anyway so I didn't feel like I needed to blog about it. Seemed too risky; I thought someone might connect the dots and realize who I've been blogging about all that time. Plus, those paparazzi pictures of you getting escorted out of the club, handcuffed and everything, were fucking priceless. There was no way I could top that.”

“Ah, Princess,” JJ whines, “I lost a sponsor because of that!”

“Yeah and you already got your completely undeserved pity party for it, so shut it, Leroy.” Yuri rolls his eyes. “Anyway, I believe the only story remotely related to skating that I shared is about Otabek's disastrous attempt to climb a palm tree in skates because he claimed it was easier.”

“It was easier,” Otabek mumbles, barely audible, but Yuri has heard him.

“Yeah, right, until you got stuck with both blades and I had to climb up there to rescue you!” Yuri scoffs, causing everybody to explode into laughter.

“I wonder if anybody ever took down those skates,” JJ grins, and Otabek chuckles as well. The thought that Otabek's skates might still be attached to a random palm tree somewhere in Thailand brings a grin to Yuri's lips, but he hides it with a groan and an exaggerated facepalm.

“You two are insufferable! That blog is my only way of trying to keep my sanity around you!” He's well aware that there is far more affection than venom in his voice and it earns him a goofy grin from JJ and a smirk from Otabek. God, they are a train wreck, but he loves them so fucking much.

“Can we see it?” Yuuri asks, “The blog, I mean?”

Maybe Yuri is just glad that Katsudon doesn't look like he's about to bawl any more, maybe there is some truth to Victor's claim that Yuuri's puppy-eyes are even more effective than Makkachin's – either way Yuri knows that he's not going to get out of this situation without revealing the blog anyway. Might as well get it over with.

He pulls out his phone and brings up his tumblr before handing it over to Katsudon. The Japanese cracks up immediately when he reads the URL and blog title.

“'Jacky's and Becky's Bizarre Adventures - Life with my ridiculous boyfriends'.” Katsuki giggles and starts scrolling through the blog, while Otabek and JJ, predictably, are not amused about their nicknames. It's what they call each other whenever they are hell-bent on pissing the other off, so Yuri thought it perfectly appropriate to use those names. He merely offers them a shrug and a smirk in response to their murderous stares. Their (rather amusing) complaints get interrupted by a shocked gasp from Katsudon.

“Oh my goodness, they did what?!

“Read it out loud for all of us!” Phichit demands excitedly.

“Please don't,” Otabek groans, but Yuri doesn't buy his embarrassed act any longer.

“Go ahead, piggy,” Yuri smirks, ready to see his boyfriends squirm under the judgmental stares of their fellow skaters, even though he knows that it's unlikely to happen. For all he knows those two simply have no shame. After all, if they did, those things wouldn't keep happening, right?

Katsudon clears his throat and starts reading one of the blog posts out loud, a short tale of How Jacky and Becky Accidentally Found Out That You Can Indeed Set a Toilet on Fire.

The story is exactly as ridiculous as it sounds. Katsudon has to strop reading a couple of times because he's laughing too hard. JJ and Otabek exchange sheepish grins as well, looking only mildly embarrassed and mostly proud of themselves. Yeah, no surprise there.

“More!” Phichit demands eagerly, and when Yuri looks around he realizes that their audience has grown in the meantime. They've been joined by Seung-Gil, Chris and Minami. He blows a sigh and decides that it probably doesn't matter at this point, and simply nods to Katsudon to keep reading. He does, but not before he has taken a few sips from the fresh glass of champagne Victor has handed him.

Yuri, of course, knows exactly which story is up next, and finds himself already looking forward to everybody's reaction. It ended up being one of his most shared posts, after all.

It's the account of one of the incidents that happened during the end of last off-season when he and JJ stayed with Otabek in Almaty for a week (over all, those seven days produced eleven blog entries, and that's just counting the major tales of epic dumbassery, which goes to show just how ridiculous things can get when Otabek's silly friends are involved in their antics).

On that particular morning, barely an hour after sunrise, the three of them were on their way back home from a house party at one of said friends'. Yuri was in that exhausting state of not-quite-drunk-anymore and soon-to-be-awfully-hungover and wanted nothing but to keel over and fucking sleep before the headache kicked in, but JJ and Otabek were still buzzed and in full Trouble Mode. JJ spotted a cherry tree in one of the gardens they walked past, yelled something about free breakfast, and started climbing over the fence, which immediately prompted Otabek to follow suite of course, because Climbing!

Neither of them noticed the old lady, presumably the owner of the garden as well as the cherries the boys were currently stuffing their faces with, until she was already batting away at them with a broomstick and shrieking at them to get off her lawn. Otabek was up and over the fence in a blink, but JJ wasn't so lucky, or maybe just more drunk, and he ended up with his pants entangled in the ornaments on top of the wrought iron fence, in perfect position for the old lady to hit him with her broomstick.

When the story reaches that point everybody is laughing hard, even JJ, despite his exaggerated pained grimace at the memory.

“She was vicious!” he complains, still grinning like the massive idiot he is, and it makes Yuri laugh even harder.

“I'm not kidding, guys! I thought my ass would never be the same!” JJ whines, and that earns him a rare, rumbling laugh from Otabek.

“That's what you always say, love,” he chuckles, patting JJ's head.

JJ turns beet red and Katsudon spits out his champagne at the implications of that, grinning from ear to ear.

“Just like Vitya!”

“Oh god!” Yuri gags, “Too much information, pig!”

Katsudon just grins and Victor doesn't even have the decency to blush like JJ did.

“But Yura,” Otabek says, completely unfazed by the uncalled for revelations about the old couple's bedroom activities, “How come you somehow forgot to mention that you were right there with us stealing those cherries?”

Yuri wishes he had Victor's ability to Not Blush.

“Artistic license,” he dead-pans, trying to shrug it off, but he can feel Victor's piercing blue eyes on him and he doesn't like it one bit. After their Welcome to the Madness stunt back in Barcelona Otabek has gone through so much trouble – cable-knit sweaters and all – to convince Yakov, Lilia, grandpa and freaking Victor that he wasn't corrupting the precious Russian Fairy. And even though Yuri is of age now and can do as he fucking pleases (not that he's let anybody stop him before), he has no need for repeating any of those previous arguments about the Bad Boy from Kazakhstan with any of them. Especially not with Victor. He side-eyes the silver-haired man, and when Katsudon starts to drunkenly read the next story, Yuri shuffles a little closer to his older rink mate, scowling at him.

“How long have you known?” Yuri inquires silently.

“A while.” Victor smiles and winks at him. Yuri should have known that he'd give him the vague treatment.

“Fine, keep your secrets, geezer. Just... why haven't you said anything to anyone? Some of those things were...” Yuri lets his voice trail off which Victor of course takes as his cue to finish the sentence for him.

“Incredibly stupid? Dangerous? Downright illegal?”

“Well... yes.”

Victor just keeps smiling and gives a shrug that is way too elegant for his current state of intoxication.

“I'll be honest with you, Yuratchka. I used to think they might be a bad influence for you, especially Otabek. But when I read that blog I realized that they are lucky they have you to look after them. So I figured I shouldn't interfere, for their own safety. And for the benefit of everybody who gets to read about their hilarious stunts on tumblr,” he adds with another wink. Yuri is speechless for a moment, and weirdly touched by the honest adoration in Victor's voice, but the old idiot has to ruin it immediately of course.

“I also read your tags,” he goes on with a knowing smile that is suspiciously heart-shaped once more, and Yuri feels his cheeks burn up in another furious blush, “You're so in love with them, it's adorable! And they are just as much in love with you! They might be, and I quote, 'the world's biggest dumbasses', but they clearly make you happy. I'm not only not going to interfere with that – I'll fight anybody who tries.”

If Yuri was speechless and touched before, he's close to dropping dead now. He buries his burning face in his hands and can't get any of the insults he wants to holler at Victor for being so grossly sappy past his lips. Victor ruffles his hair affectionately, chuckling to himself, while Yuri desperately tries (and fails) to be mad at him.

He decides to rather focus his attention on the rest of their group instead, just in time to hear Katsudon finish reading the tale of How Jacky and Becky Narrowly Avoided Drowning In A Tiny Fish Pond. Oh yeah, Yuri has to admit, that was actually a good one. He can't help but smile at the memory. Their small audience seems to have enjoyed it as well, and even give a round of applause, which of course only leads to JJ and Beka looking infuriatingly pleased with themselves.

Minami is staring at them in unconcealed awe, and even Seung-Gil is letting Yuri down by having exchanged his usual unimpressed scowl with a mildly entertained expression that suggests that he's not deeming the current situation to be a complete waste of his time.

Yuri can't shake the distinct feeling that this whole thing is backfiring spectacularly. Well, shit.

He can see that Katsudon's shoulders are still shaking with barely contained laughter as he scrolls down to the next blog post. It's just a photo with no caption and a string of partially embarrassing hashtags like #why #they are so dumb #these dorks will be the end of me #remind me again why I love them so much? #but I do #fml

“I thought you said no pictures?” Otabek knits his brows into a very disapproving knot and leans over to better see the image.

“None that could identify you”, Yuri clarifies again, takes the phone from Yuuri and turns turns it so his boyfriends can take a look at the photo.

It shows Otabek – or rather his legs and one of his arms – flashing a weak thumbs up at the camera, the rest of him buried underneath a pile of toppled over canned soup.

“What happened there?” Chris asks, chuckling.

“They decided to play Jenga with a huge ass stack of cans,” Yuri sighs, the 'I told them it was a bad idea' implied by the utter resignation in his voice.

“Yeah, that was great,” JJ laughs, to which Otabek nods in agreement, and then Yuri's jaw drops in exasperation when the two dipshits actually high-five each other.

“You got us banned from a fucking grocery store! FOR LIFE!”

That just makes them laugh harder.

At this point Minami looks like he might have accidentally peed himself a little from laughing too hard and Katsudon is dabbing tears from his eyes.

“Oh, Yurio,” he wheezes, “I never knew you were leading such an eventful life! I always thought you didn't even have much of a life outside of skating. I'm happy for you, and I'm so glad you guys are having so much fun! Just promise you'll be careful, alright?”

Normally, Yuri would answer that amount of grossness with a few choice insults and at least one middle finger, but in this case he's going to have to let it slide because he has just noticed something far more alarming.

Otabek is giving Yuri another one of his intense stares, dark eyes gleaming dangerously – not in the very hot, very good 'you won't be able to walk after I'm done with you' kinda way, but in the way that usually precedes a new blog-worthy incident.

“Beka, no,” Yuri groans preemptively even though he knows it's never of any use.

“Beka, yes!” JJ encourages him, because of fucking course he does. Yuri has always thought he was a terrible enabler, but JJ is the fucking worst, almost as bad as Otabek's crazy friends in Almaty.

When the two of them give each other The Look, Yuri knows it's out of his hands now. He swears they have some secret sign language consisting solely of eyebrow-gymnastics, and so far Yuri has only managed to decipher very little of it. This particular way of suggestively wiggling their brows at each other? Yeah, trouble.

On cue, Otabek jumps to his feet, eyes still sparkling with whatever ridiculously bad idea might have popped up in his pretty head this time, and takes off.

“Yura!” he calls from half across the ballroom a moment later, “Yura, if I climb these curtains all the way to the top will you blog about it?”

“NO!” Yuri yells without even turning to look at him. It's always worse when he looks, because then they try even harder. He glances at the ceiling instead and estimates that even if Otabek succeeds in climbing all the way up before things go wrong (and they always do), he's likely to survive the fall. This is nothing compared to the palm-tree incident, or any of the numerous other occasions he's climbed up places that were not meant to be climbed.

“Beks! Wait for me!” JJ shouts, rushing after him, just like Yuri knew he would. Part of their audience follows them, apparently eager for a live episode of Jacky and Becky Doing Dumb Shit. Phichit is probably filming the whole thing.

He can hear his two dorks bicker on the other side of the room, arguing about who gets to go first, while Minami cheers them on, Seung-Gil tries to calculate whether or not the curtain can support them both, and Chris suggests that Yuri might be more inclined to blog about their stunt if they do it shirtless, and Yuri just can't anymore.

He slouches down on one of the chairs, lets his forehead hit the table with a dull thud and closes his eyes. He probably should have anticipated that if his boyfriends ever found out that their reckless idiocy was being published to an audience and had garnered quite a following, things would only get worse.

He doesn't even look up when he hears the tell-tale ripping of fabric from across the room, followed by a yelp and a crash, and a soft whoosh as the curtains fall, presumably burying both of his stupid boyfriends, if the muffled sound of their roaring laughter is anything to go by.

“I'm deleting that fucking blog,” Yuri promises no-one in particular.

In front of him, Katsudon pays none of the commotion around them any heed; he's busy taking pictures of his drunk-ass husband, who's draped across the table again, and has apparently lost most of his clothes at some point. His cleanly waxed thighs are mere inches from Yuri's head and he thinks it speaks volumes about just how fucking done he is with everything that he cannot even bring himself to give a damn.

“I'm keeping mine,” Katsudon beams happily, and takes another picture.