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Shadowhunters Group Chat

Chapter Text

11:07 P.M.

aleclightwood added magnificentmagnus, sevenplusinches, and 5 others to the group chat!

aleclightwood: hayyyyy you guis!

aleclightwood: is that how you spel guis?'m

sldd4638: ur a genius. why didn't I think bout a gc???

magnificentmagnus: Alexander isn't a genius right now, just drunk.

aleclightwood: simin your name is stupid. ur username. can i change it 4 the gc?

sldd4638: sure. I don't mind.

aleclightwood changed sldd4638's name to nerdy nerd nerd

nerdy nerd nerd: srsly?

artnrunes: hey guysssss!! Who's in this group chat?

aleclightwood: me, you, the really really really hot one, the one who I used to think was hot but he was actually just kind of there, the hot one in a sister way, the hot one if ur into vamps, the definitely not hot one because she's a girl, and the not hot one.

artnrunes: Magnus, translation please?

magnificentmagnus: he said "me, you, Magnus, Jace, Izzy, Raphael, Maia, and Simon" That was a pretty easy one, biscuit. Catch up. (;

artnrunes: I'm never really sure with alec.

santiago.nightchild: Magnus, did your little Nephilim boy just call me hot?

magnificentmagnus: No. He said you would be hot if you were his type.

bluemaia: so I'm not hot to Alec just because I'm a girl, right?

aleclightwood: MAIA WHY ARE YOU SO BLUE?
oh no did I make her sad?
Magnus make her happy again.

magnificentmagnus changed bluemaia's name to happymaia

sevenplusinches: wth did you give him, Magnus?

aleclightwood: his dick.

artnrunes: CHOKING

aleclightwood: I do that a lot with Magnus's dick.

nerdy nerd nerd: OMG OMG OMG

naturalblonde: oh dear god.

naturalblonde left the conversation.

sevenplusinches: go big brother!

magnificentmagnus: don't encourage him, Isabelle darling.

aleclightwood added naturalblonde to the conversation!

naturalblonde: are you done with the gross stuff?

aleclightwood: until I get into bed tonight.

naturalblonde: ALEC

magnificentmagnus: hey no complaints from me.

artnrunes: wow. alrighty then.

santiago.nightchild: why am I here? I don't like any of you.
Except kind of Magnus.
And the fledgling is okay too.

nerdy nerd nerd: how touching. I'm blushing.

artnrunes: can we keep this gc? Like even after Alec turns back into Grumpy Alec?

aleclightwood: I vote yes.
All thise en favor say aye aye captain

artnrunes: aye aye captain

nerdy nerd nerd: aye aye captain

sevenplusinches: aye aye captain

happymaia: aye aye captain

aleclightwood: aye aye captain

magnificentmagnus: aye aye captain

aleclightwood: all peple no in favor say no way jose

santiago.nightchild: no way Jose.

aleclightwood: no way jose!!!

magnificentmagnus: .... Alexander, darling. You can't vote twice.

aleclightwood: oopsie.

artnrunes: already decided that we're keeping it so oh welllll.

aleclightwood: have you guys ever met my boyfriend?

happymaia: yeah

naturalblonde: what about him?

aleclightwood: he's reall relly good looking. definitely hotter than jace.
trust me, I like guys so I know which ones are good ones.

naturalblonde: I take personal offense.

aleclightwood: sSSShhhHhh. Let me tell you about him.
No one talks until I say "purple muffins"
Okay. So. Magusn is rlly hot. But thts not the best psrt.
Hes also nice. He's rally rlly nice.
He dosent know this, but I really liek it when he talks. He has a nice voice.
hes also rlly nice and funny an smart and j think j fall in love with him more everytime I see him.
No one eles would know this but I do. his smile is a little bit crooked but it makse me swoon when I see it.
And no mater how mean my mom is to him he stays polite and that makes ne want to kiss him a lot.
His Lips are really soft. He always kisses me good mornin and good night and he maeks me happy. Happier than you, happymaia.
He's really great and I'm goin to marry him ine dsy.

nerdy nerd nerd: (''':

sevenplusinches: that was the cutest thing I have ever read.
But, drunk Alec needs to work on proofreading.

happymaia: awwww cute.

santiago.nightchild: that was disgustingly sappy. Magnus is wearing off on the Lightwood boy.

naturalblonde: for once I agree with Raphael.

artnrunes: If Alec wasn't gay I'd be going after him. Not only is he hot, but he's also a hopeless romantic omg.
Magnus is a lucky man.

magnificentmagnus: I am a very lucky man, biscuit. So, get your own Alec.

aleclightwood: YOU WERE IN THE CHAT, MAGNUS?
uh oh.
You werenet dupposed so hear all tht stuf.
i am still the emotionless Shadowhunter boy you fel in love with I think.

magnificentmagnus: don't worry, darling I love you and all your feelings.

aleclightwood: I luve u to.

santiago.nightchild: add me back when the lightwood goes back to his usual state of "most bearable Shadowhunter of the year"

sevenplusinches: personally offended, Raphael.

santiago.nightchild: okay fine. "most grumpy Shadowhunter of the year"

santiago.nightchild left the conversation.

Chapter Text

9:28 A.M.

nerdy nerd nerd added santiago.nightchild to the conversation!

nerdy nerd nerd: hey sober alec.

aleclightwood: What is this?

magnificentmagnus: It's a group chat darling.

aleclightwood: I know that but why am I in it?

nerdy nerd nerd: you made it, bro.

aleclightwood: Never call me your bro again.

aleclightwood: Did I actually do this? Magnus?

magnificentmagnus: You did. Scroll up and look at the messages from last night.

nerdy nerd nerd: the tension....

magnificentmagnus: Be quiet, Samuel.

nerdy nerd nerd: Simon.


aleclightwood: WHY DID YOU LET ME DO THAT.

magnificentmagnus: It was cute.

magnuficentmagnus: Everyone thought it was cute.

santiago.nightchild: I personally thought that it was disgusting.

aleclightwood: thank you Raphael!

santiago.nightchild: My pleasure.

magnificentmagnus: Raphael! You betray me.

santiago.nightchild: I speak the truth.

naturalblonde: he does.

artnrunes: I thought it was the cutest thing ever.

nerdy nerd nerd: me too.

aleclightwood: you don't count Simon.

nerdy nerd nerd: and why don't I count?

aleclightwood: you agree with clary on everything.

sevenplusinches: "hey simon! The sky is actually made out of puppies and if we jump hard enough we'll get a free puppy!"

aleclightwood: "wow that's amazing! I'll help you jump to get a puppy."

sevenplusinches: "Simon! You won't die if you stab yourself!"

aleclightwood: "really? Wow!"

sevenplusinches: "go ahead, stab yourself!"

aleclightwood: "okay!" *stabs self and dies anyway*

nerdy nerd nerd: okay that's not true.

happymaia: it is.

aleclightwood: it's true

santiago.nightchild: It's true.

nerdy nerd nerd: how so?

aleclightwood: you believed her when she told you that vampires, werewolves, warlocks, faeries and shadowhunters were real.

naturalblonde: you didn't question her sanity for more than two seconds when she was talking to me with a glamour on.

sevenplusinches: you also get kidnapped a lot

aleclightwood: which most of the time is the carrots fault

santiago.nightchild: you also tried to steal Camille one time.

magnificentmagnus: I wouldn't do that for anyone.

nerdy nerd nerd: not even Alec?

magnificentmagnus: Alexander would never ask me to steal Camille.

nerdy nerd nerd: okay but just say he did ask you to.

aleclightwood: I wouldn't.

nerdy nerd nerd: why not?

sevenplusinches: Simon quit while you're ahead.

nerdy nerd nerd: what?

santiago.nightchild: you're an idiot.

aleclightwood: I would not ask the love of my life to steal his ex because she was horrible to him and he doesn't deserve that. If I needed someone to steal her (which I wouldn't because I don't even want to see her) I would definitely not ask Magnus to do it. I'd probably ask jace because he's always doing stupid stuff like that.

magnificentmagnus: i'm the love of your life?

aleclightwood: of course.


magnificentmagnus: underneath the tough shadowhunter soldier, Alexander is actually just a softie.

sevenplusinches changed magnificentmagnus's name to THE LOVE OF ALEC'S LIFE

THE LOVE OF ALEC'S LIFE: this is a little obnoxious.


TLoAL: that's better.

aleclightwood: I don't see how that's any better but okay.

sevenplusinches: you two are adorable. I hope you know that.

TLoAL: we know.

aleclightwood: but still, Simon is the idiot of the group.

nerdy nerd nerd: you're mean.

nerdy nerd nerd changed aleclightwood's name to soft meanie

soft meanie: what

nerdy nerd nerd: Magnus said that you're a softie but that doesn't mean you can't be mean when you want to.

soft meanie: I hate you.

soft meanie: this is why the only person I like is Magnus.

naturalblonde: what about me?

soft meanie: what about you?

naturalblonde: you like me right?

soft meanie: no.

naturalblonde: I'm your parabatai?

soft meanie: so...?

naturalblonde: that means you have to like me.

soft meanie: not really. the only thing it says in the oath is that we fight and die together.

soft meanie: it's only obligation to like you on the battlefield.

TLoAL: he likes me everywhere.

soft meanie: but I don't like jace everywhere.

naturalblonde: you used to like me everywhere.

soft meanie: no I just thought that I liked you everywhere because you were the only guy my age that I knew.

naturalblonde: Magnus isn't your age....

TLoAL changed naturalblonde's name to idiotic dyed blonde

idiotic dyed blonde: MY HAIR IS NATURALLY BLONDE

TLoAL: sounds fake but okay.

idiotic dyed blonde: izzy, alec. defend my hair's honor.

soft meanie: I only defend Magnus's honor... sorry.

sevenplusinches: I don't feel like it.

idiotic dyed blonde: clary?

artnrunes: idk. in my experience Magnus has always been right.

idiotic dyed blonde: wbu Maia?

happymaia: dude I don't even like you.

idiotic dyed blonde: simon, man, c'mon.

nerdy nerd nerd: well.

idiotic dyed blonde: Raphael. Will you please help me.

santiago.nightchild: The only Nephilim I would help would be izzy.

idiotic dyed blonde added valmorg5 to the conversation!

idiotic dyed blonde: hey dad. I'm naturally blonde right?

valmorg5: uh yes. Why?

idiotic dyed blonde: thank you.

idiotic dyed blonde removed valmorg5 from the conversation.

soft meanie: did you seriously just add VALENTINE TO OUR GROUP CHAT?

soft meanie: also wtf? he isn't your dad...?

idiotic dyed blonde: Magnus isn't your dad and you call him daddy all the time.

idiotic dyed blonde: trust me. I would know.

idiotic dyed blonde: I lived with them for a while.

TLoAL: I cannot believe that you chose jace to be your parabatai.

soft meanie: I didn't. He chose me.

idiotic dyed blonde: I wish I wouldn't have.

soft meanie: parabitch.

idiotic dyed blonde: is Alec at your place Magnus?

TLoAL: no he's at the Institute I think.

TLoAL: what happened?

sevenplusinches: I hear screaming.

TLoAL: who's screaming?

artnrunes: Alec.

sevenplusinches: update: the screaming stopped.

sevenplusinches: oh the screaming started again.

sevenplusinches: this time it's jace.

TLoAL: uh guys?

TLoAL: what happened?

TLoAL: any shadowhunters still alive?

sevenplusinches: jace just came out of Alec's office.

sevenplusinches: it isn't good.

idiotic dyed blonde: he broke my leg.

idiotic dyed blonde: I hate him a lot.

idiotic dyed blonde: I need a new parabatai.

sevenplusinches: oh now Alec came out of his office.

sevenplusinches: he's hitting jace repeatedly on the head and yelling at him: "why are you like this?"

artnrunes: that was great.

TLoAL: can we please get the security camera footage of this fight?

santiago.nightchild: agreed. I would like to see the dyed blondie get his ass kicked.

happymaia: I would be down to watch.

nerdy nerd nerd: I like Alec better than Jace so I want to watch too.

TLoAL: how bad was the damage for Alexander?

soft meanie: a bruised rib probably.

idiotic dyed blonde left the conversation.

nerdy nerd nerd: poor jace XD

sevenplusinches: jace deserved it.

artnrunes: he did.

soft meanie left the conversation.

artnrunes: did we offend him?

artnrunes: he was literally just calling jace a bitch but okay.

TLoAL: you didn't offend him. We have a date at 12:00, so I had better leave as well.

TLoAL: also it's really hard to get ready when you people are texting me nonstop.

artnrunes: were you getting ready this entire time?

TLoAL: perfection takes time.

artnrunes: it's been two hours.

TLoAL: I started getting ready at 8:30 this morning.

artnrunes: that's crazy. not even izzy takes that long to get ready.

sevenplusinches: she's right. I only take an hour.

TLoAL: it was hard earlier this morning because Alec was here. Your brother is quite the distraction.

TLoAL: trust me, getting ready wasn't the only thing that was hard this morning.

artnrunes: MAGNUS

sevenplusinches: I'm so proud of my big brother.

nerdy nerd nerd: wtf izzy? you're proud of your brother for having sex?

sevenplusinches: I spent 20 years waiting.

nerdy nerd nerd: that didn't help any.

sevenplusinches: ANYWAY Magnus it's 11:30. You need to go. Be careful! Don't do anything I wouldn't do!

nerdy nerd nerd: okay but everything they do is something you wouldn't because you aren't a gay or bisexual man.

sevenplusinches: he knows what I mean.

sevenplusinches: bye magnussss! <3 we'll add you back in 5 hours.

sevenplusinches removed TLoAL from the conversation!

Chapter Text

sevenplusinches added magnificentmagnus, aleclightwood, and 1 other to the conversation!

sevenplusinches: so, Magnus, Alec, how was your date????

magnificentmagnus: it went wonderfully.

aleclightwood: I disagree.

magnificentmagnus: it wasn't that bad. It was actually quite hilarious.

sevenplusinches: what happened?

aleclightwood: don't you dare tell them. I'll never hear the end of this.

magnificentmagnus: Well, at the beginning of the night he kept getting hit on by a bunch of girls. It was a little ridiculous.

magnificentmagnus: he politely told them that he wasn't interested in girls that way.

naturalblonde: that's not even embarrassing. give us the good stuff.

nerdy nerd nerd: agreed.

magnificentmagnus: later in the night we went to Pandemonium and he got drunk.

aleclightwood: MAGNUS PLEASE

magnificentmagnus: He had a few more drinks than I did because he spent the night sitting at the bar, whereas I was dancing.

aleclightwood: by the angel Magnus.

aleclightwood: please please don't.

magnificentmagnus: so I went to dance some and he stayed at the bar.

magnificentmagnus: no big deal, right?

magnificentmagnus: wrong.


magnificentmagnus: I get back to the bar and the bartender is looking very terrified and Alec is sitting there yelling at her.

magnificentmagnus: so I asked what happened.

aleclightwood left the conversation.

magnificentmagnus: the bartender said, and I quote, "he asked me if I thought some Magnus guy was hot and I said I don't know him. Then he started yelling st me about how hot Magnus is."

magnificentmagnus: then he tunned to her and yelled "DID YOU JUST CALL MAGNUS HOT? HE IS MINE."

magnificentmagnus: he then proceeded to get down on one knee and propose.

magnificentmagnus: I accepted until we got home.

magnificentmagnus: I want to marry him but not if he's drunk.

magnificentmagnus: anyway that's the story.

artnrunes: I'm dead. Alec actually did that?

magnificentmagnus: yes. I couldn't believe it happened either. You guys aren't allowed to tease him though.

naturalblonde: sorry but you told the wrong people then.

magnificentmagnus: remember I can raise the dead.

magnificentmagnus: don't think I won't kill you and then raise you just to kill you again.

santiago.nightchild: this is the most ridiculous story you have ever told me. And you have centuries worth of stories.

magnificentmagnus: it's the cutest story I have.

sevenplusinches added aleclightwood to the conversation!

aleclightwood: he told you?

happymaia: yeah and it was adorable.

aleclightwood: I hate you all.

magnificentmagnus: you still love me right?

aleclightwood: yes but that doesn't mean I have to like you.

magnificentmagnus: you wound me, Alexander.

aleclightwood: you literally just told them about the most embarrassing time of my life

magnificentmagnus: it wasnt embarrassing.

magnificentmagnus: it was endearing.

nerdy nerd nerd: also I'm confused.

nerdy nerd nerd: you guys went on your date at noon? Why were you at a club?

sevenplusinches: you're an idiot. One of them is head of the new york institute. The other is the high warlock of brooklyn.

sevenplusinches: which means they don't have much time for themselves. When they go on dates it isn't date night it's date day. Because their date lasts all day.

sevenplusinches: they literally take the entire day off to spend with each other.

happymaia: tht is so romantic.

aleclightwood: no it's inconvenient.

aleclightwood: I would rather spend a couple hours every night with him than all day every week or so.

aleclightwood: most of the time I see Magnus when he's sleeping.

aleclightwood: and I'm either covered in ichor or too tired to function.

aleclightwood: so no our lives actually suck.

magnificentmagnus: actually I agree.

magnificentmagnus: thought that I was going to be mad but nope. I agree.

happymaia: okay but that makes you two even more romantic.

happymaia: you want to spend everyday with each other.

happymaia: ugh I wish love would be this good to me.

nerdy nerd nerd: agreed. what did I do that made my love life so horrid.

naturalblonde: well for starters you ran away from clary.

naturalblonde: and you just made reservations without making sure that Maia could go.

nerdy nerd nerd: hOW DID YOU FIND OUT ABOUT THAT.

naturalblonde: you also ruined any chance with raphael when you tried to steal camille.

nerdy nerd nerd: okay does the Camille thing need to come up every time we talk?

naturalblonde: and you lost any chance with Alec when you literally never stop talking.

naturalblonde: actually that just ruins your chances with literally anyone who has hearing.

naturalblonde: maybe that's why raphael's sister liked you so much. She couldn't hear your blabbering.

santiago.nightchild: okay. I'm here for making fun of Simon but leave my sister out of it.

sevenplusinches: agreed. She's a very sweet lady.

artnrunes: I dated him? I didn't break up with him?

naturalblonde: you grew up with him. When you hear the same sound for a long period of time your brain naturally tunes it out.

nerdy nerd nerd: why do you all hate me?

aleclightwood: you never shut up.

magnificentmagnus: I personally am fine with him.

artnrunes: me too.

santiago.nightchild: I used to like you until you tried to steal Camille and you used my hermana as bribery.

naturalblonde: you're extremely annoying.

happymaia: I like you.

sevenplusinches: I'm honestly not sure about you. idk

nerdy nerd nerd: you all make me mad.

aleclightwood: okay guys stop texting.

nerdy nerd nerd: why.

sevenplusinches: we're all in the middle of a meeting. I mean except for you two, Simon and Maia. But shut up.

happymaia: okay.

aleclightwood: you aren't very good at being quiet.

happymaia: sorry.

aleclightwood: bY THE ANGEL MAIA

happymaia: right sorry. I'm done right now.

Chapter Text

8:44 P.M.

happymaia: going to Pandemonium @11!!! who wants to join????

magnificentmagnus: I would love to, darling.

magnificentmagnus: if I'm going, Alexander has to go.

aleclightwood: okay. Jace you're coming too.

naturalblonde: okay. Clary?

artnrunes: I'll come!

nerdy nerd nerd: wherever fray goes, I go.

nerdy nerd nerd: Raphael, amigo, would you like to come along as well?!?

santiago.nightchild: depends. Is Isabelle coming?

sevenplusinches: have you met me?

sevenplusinches: of course I'm coming!!!!!!!!!!

santiago.nightchild: then count me in.

happymaia: cool! The whole squad!

aleclightwood: never call us a "squad" again.

happymaia: why?

aleclightwood: makes my ears bleed.

magnificentmagnus: quit being dramatic, dear.

aleclightwood: why aren't we just speaking aloud to each other?

magnificentmagnus: because, then no one would know what we're saying!

aleclightwood: must they know?

magnificentmagnus: yes. If they didn't, they wouldn't know how great of a couple we make.

aleclightwood: okay that's true. we are a great couple.

magnificentmagnus: exactly. power couple of the year.

happymaia: aww I want a cute relationshippppp!

aleclightwood: hey iz? Are you going to have enough time to get ready? You'll have to be ready BEFORE 11. Not right at 11.

happymaia: two hours is definitely enough time.

aleclightwood: oh you have no idea. Izzy asks the entire conclave if she looks good before she goes out anywhere.

sevenplusinches: untrue. I always look good, I just want to make sure that my outfit looks good too.

sevenplusinches: I would look good in a potato bag.

nerdy nerd nerd: that's true. She would.

happymaia: wth simon???

nerdy nerd nerd: what!?! Izzy and I are friends and friends encourage other friends.

happymaia: sounds fake but okay.

naturalblonde: apparently friends also steal camilles for other friends.

nerdy nerd nerd: sToP

naturalblonde: no.

nerdy nerd nerd: will we ever have a convo where you don't talk about the whole Camille ordeal?

naturalblonde: no.

nerdy nerd nerd: why do you hate me so much?

naturalblonde: honestly the list could go on for hours.

naturalblonde: let's see.

naturalblonde: you never stop talking.

naturalblonde: I literally never understand a word you say

naturalblonde: you left clary for the stupidest thing ever

artnrunes: jace, be nice.

naturalblonde: if this is a conversation where I have to be nice, I'm leaving.

naturalblonde left the conversation!

nerdy nerd nerd: thanks fray.

artnrunes: anytime.

happymaia: why does Jace hate Simon so much?

happymaia: I mean other than the stupid stuff with claiming he's annoying

happymaia: my best guess is that he gets kidnapped a lot

sevenplusinches: I'm guessing that it has something to do with clary.

sevenplusinches: but I'm not going into any more detail because that's my brother.

happymaia: agreed it's probably about clary

artnrunes: what do I have anything to do with it?

happymaia: jace is in love with you, you dated simon, jace isn't happy about it.

happymaia: just putting 2 and 2 together.

artnrunes: okay yeah that makes sense.

happymaia: really quick question.

artnrunes: yeah?

sevenplusinches: what's up?

happymaia: who all is paying attention to this convo? Type "heya" if you are.

sevenplusinches: heya

artnrunes: heya

santiago.nightchild: heya

nerdy nerd nerd: heya

happymaia: what happened to Magnus and Alec?

happymaia: they haven't said anything for a full 30 minutes.

happymaia: let's have jace check on them.

artnrunes: okay!

artnrunes added naturalblonde to the conversation!

naturalblonde: I hope you know that I AM NOT READY TO BE NICE

artnrunes: we need you to check up on Magnus and Alec. They haven't been answering.

naturalblonde: okay. I'll be back. Also I'm turning off my phone bc you guys are occasionally annoying.

naturalblonde: I'll turn it back on once I get to Magnus and Alec's place.

artnrunes: okay.

happymaia: do you think he turned it off yet?

artnrunes: yeah.

happymaia: cool.

happymaia: jace is either going to walk in on a cute moment or a frisky moment.

happymaia: either way he's going to get yelled at.

happymaia: you're welcome, si

nerdy nerd nerd: thanks.

nerdy nerd nerd: jace definitely deserves it, but does malec?

santiago.nightchild: who in the hell is malec?

nerdy nerd nerd: Magnus and Alec's name put together.

nerdy nerd nerd changed aleclightwood's name to malec 1/2!

nerdy nerd nerd changed magnificentmagnus's name to malec 2/2!

santiago.nightchild: I swear, your generation is the most stupid.

sevenplusinches: I feel personally attacked.

santiago.nightchild: I apologize, Isabelle. You are one of the few exceptions.

sevenplusinches: apology accepted.

nerdy nerd nerd: did you seriously just get Raphael Santiago to apologize?

sevenplusinches: please that was nothing. I could get raziel to apologize to me.

nerdy nerd nerd: what would he be apologizing for?

sevenplusinches: for giving me such a damn suppressed and awkward big brother.

artnrunes: okay I apologize in advance for any offensive things I'm about to say, but since Alec isn't here to defend himself.....

artnrunes: Alec literally has the least complicated relationship out of us all.

artnrunes: I mean me with my "falling in love with my brother, and then dating someone who is more like my brother than my actual brother to forget about my feelings for my actual brother, only to find out that my real brother is a psycho who tried to kill a 12 year old and kissed me even tho he knew we were siblings and the guy I fell in love with isn't related to me at all" crap

artnrunes: Simon is constantly getting friend zoned literally no matter what he does. Poor kid

artnrunes: Izzy and Raphael have their weird relationship that is v toxic but they also work really well together so it's a little weird. BUT Alec doesn't approve so idk

artnrunes: and then Maia has her stuff where she refuses to fall in love because love is a scary thing (not blaming you but you should really try love out again. It's great)

artnrunes: and then of course Jace has gotten the "this doesnt mean anything" line on more than one occasion.

artnrunes: so in conclusion, Alec has the least weird and complicated relationship. And Alec has most definitely been getting laid more than any of us.

artnrunes: idk kissing magnus fucking bane in front of the entire clave is pretty wild. I don't think that would be classified as "suppressed"

artnrunes: and he def wasn't awkward about it. he was actually really hot and you could tell that he knew what he was doing and he would be damned if he didn't go down there and kiss Magnus Bane.

artnrunes: sure when I first met Alec he was awkward and suppressed but nowadays nothing about him screams awkward and suppressed anymore.

artnrunes: there's a few occasions where he is awkward and shit but most of the time he's just kind of hot idk.

nerdy nerd nerd: she has a point.


sevenplusinches: never in my entire life did I think I would witness clary fray defending my big brother.

sevenplusinches: but now I'm here for clary and alec becoming best friends.

sevenplusinches: please become best friends with my brother

artnrunes: okay I'll try

happymaia: anyway I wonder when jace is going to get there

artnrunes: probably any minute now.

happymaia: I'm really excited.

happymaia: okay let's talk about something else so that he has to scroll way up to find our plan.

artnrunes: okay

sevenplusinches: k

nerdy nerd nerd: kkkkkk

happymaia: what do you want to talk about?

nerdy nerd nerd: Star Wars

artnrunes: idk

sevenplusinches: clothes.

happymaia: I like Izzy's idea the best.

artnrunes: same here.

sevenplusinches: okay so I have two options for tonight and they're both really good so idk I need to help.

happymaia: what are you're options???


happymaia: what happened?

naturalblonde: I mean you asked for a description so ok. So I walked in and they weren't there so I looked in all the rooms and I got to their bedroom and I walked in. Magnus was sitting on top of Alec and let's just say that I saw both of their dicks just less of Alec's because it was in something else.......

naturalblonde: but Magnus like totally froze up and Alec at first got really embarrassed but then he looked up at Magnus.

naturalblonde: okay think back to that one time that the circle members attacked Magnus and they almost killed him. Now think back to the look on Alec's face when he killed them all and how he literally was beyond scary and his eyes went all dark and crap idk. He just gets terrifying when he's that angry

naturalblonde: well he gave me that look after he looked at Magnus and was just like "get out" in a really quiet scary voice

naturalblonde: so now I'm sitting in the living room awaiting punishment

naturalblonde: okay that sounded either v sexual or as if I think of them as my parents.

naturalblonde: I promise it's the last one.

naturalblonde: but who doesn't think of malec as their parents?

artnrunes: malec is everyone's dads.

nerdy nerd nerd: pretty much.

santiago.nightchild: even I'll admit that they're dads.

sevenplusinches: they def are.

happymaia: agreed.

malec 1/2: two things. wtf is "malec?" and we are not your dads.

nerdy nerd nerd: malec is Magnus's name and your name combined. And yes you are our dads.

malec 1/2: no we aren't.

nerdy nerd nerd: idk magnus basically treats me like his kid and the other day I literally accidentally called him dad. So you are both my dads.

malec 1/2: okay fine that's a good point.

malec 1/2: no one else tho.

santiago.nightchild: at the Downworld council meeting magnus and I gave each other looks that said "be nice son." And "I'm sorry I don't mean it dad"

malec 1/2: okay that's a really good argument so Simon and Raphael are our only children.

sevenplusinches: idk you treat jace and I like your kids.

naturalblonde: that's very true. I've been waiting to get the "watch your mouth before I wash it out with soap" lecture my entire life.

sevenplusinches: and every time we go out I get the "you are not going out in that, young lady" speech.

malec 1/2: okay fine.

artnrunes: you both have terms of endearment for me. that's a pretty dad thing to do.

malec 1/2: we do not.

artnrunes: biscuit and carrot.

malec 1/2: okay fiNE

happymaia: I watch you and Magnus get drunk all the time and I just sit behind the bar and think "wow my parents are really cute"

happymaia: and I was the first one to know about this omamori.

malec 1/2: shut up about that.

happymaia: not until you admit that you're my dads.

malec 1/2: okay FINE

happymaia: score.

naturalblonde: anyway, alec is dressed now and I'm about to get yelled at I'll be back.

artnrunes: is Magnus up for updates?

malec 2/2: of course, biscuit.

malec 2/2: so I'm just sitting at the bar, watching them.


malec 2/2: jace is cringing and just quietly said "I'm sorry it won't happen again"

malec 2/2: Alec is saying "NO IT WONT BECAUSE" oh hold on he's talking to me.

malec 2/2: he asked if I could make it to where Jace could only make it through my wards if he had special permission from me. Or if either of us were hurt.

malec 2/2: idk what I should say.

malec 2/2: I said yes.

malec 2/2: so in conclusion, jace's punishment is (drum roll please) not being able to come into the loft without permission for the next few months!

malec 2/2: Alec is going to make a wonderful father someday btw.

malec 1/2: okay but we haven't even had that conversation yet.

naturalblonde: they're having that conversation right now.

naturalblonde: someday we're all going to have more siblings!

happymaia: okay but in all seriousness they're going to have kids someday???

naturalblonde: yeah.

happymaia: Omg im beyond excited

happymaia: malec as dads makes my heart hurt.

happymaia: also where all of you guys???

naturalblonde: we're on our way.

naturalblonde: by that I mean me, Alec and Magnus.

artnrunes: I'm waiting on izzy.

nerdy nerd nerd: Raphael and I are already here.

santiago.nightchild: we are, but you didn't need to tell them.

nerdy nerd nerd: but I wanted to.

nerdy nerd: Magnus Alec and jace are all here so Izzy and clary, you guys need to hurry tf up.

artnrunes: we're just leaving the institute!

malec 2/2: stay right outside the Institute wards and I'll conjure a portal to you guys.

artnrunes: thanks Magnus!!

malec 2/2: no problem, biscuit.

Chapter Text

2:39 A.M.

malec 1/2: I don't liek my name

malec 2/2: Alexander, what are you talking about?

malec 1/2: it's cute and all but

malec 1/2 changed malec 1/2's name to ALEC AS HELL

naturalblonde: why did we let him get drunk?

malec 2/2: I'm living for it.

happymaia: me too.

ALEC AS HELL: I also don't like the name chosne for mag.

ALEC AS HELL changed malec 2/2's name to QUITE MAGICAL

ALEC AS HELL: that's better

QUITE MAGICAL: I mean I get it, but why

sevenplusinches: I'll tell this story. Lydia told me about it and this was the point when she found out about Alec's sexuality.

ALEC AS HELL: uh oh but oh well

ALEC AS HELL: not only am I Alec as hell im also wild as hell so tell the story.

sevenplusinches: okay so before the wedding but after the proposal Lydia told Alec that Magnus was coming to the Institute and Alec goes "Magnus...Bane??" Or something like that (Like what other Magnus?)

sevenplusinches: and so lydia just conversationally said "you know him well?"

sevenplusinches: "oh uh no... uh Magnus is um quite magical. Uh Magnus is um very very good at magic."

sevenplusinches: in conclusion, my big brother's wedding was almost ruined bc he thought a warlock was quite magical but instead it got ruined by the very quite magical warlock.

QUITE MAGICAL: aw that's adorable. Alec, do you really think I'm "quite magical?"

ALEC AS HELL: yes. you are very magical. especially in bed and out of bed and everywhere and wow Magnus is very magical.

naturalblonde: wILL SOMEONE SHUT HIM UP

QUITE MAGICAL: no. don't disrespect your father like that.

nerdy nerd nerd: while we're on this subject: why does Jace have so many fathers????

naturalblonde: shut it mundie.

nerdy nerd nerd: I'm not really a mundane any more but okayyy....

naturalblonde: by the angel go and steal Camille

nerdy nerd nerd: ya know what?????????

nerdy nerd nerd: I have had enough of this!!!!

artnrunes: little known fact, when Simon is drunk he uses a lot of punctuation.

naturalblonde: great. We let nerd and Alec get drunk?

artnrunes: it seems like it

naturalblonde: why did we let Maia convince us to go to Pandemonium?

artnrunes: bc it's fun!!!!

naturalblonde: no it is not. I would like to go to bed but instead I am kept up by the nonstop ringing of my phone

ALEC AS HELL: oops aha

nerdy nerd nerd: hey Alec??????????

ALEC AS HELL: hey Simon.

nerdy nerd nerd: do you hate me???????????

ALEC AS HELL: naw you're pretty cool.

nerdy nerd nerd: thanks bro!!!!!!!!!!!

ALEC AS HELL: no problem bro.

nerdy nerd nerd: want to hang out????????

ALEC AS HELL: yeah bro! Come over to my place and let's hang out!

nerdy nerd nerd: cool!!!!!!!!!!

nerdy nerd nerd: wait where is your place????????

nerdy nerd nerd: is the Institute your place????? Since you're the head there and stuff????????

ALEC AS HELL: oh hell no.

ALEC AS HELL: I hate the Institute. My place is where ever Magnus is.

nerdy nerd nerd: Magnus where are you???????

QUITE MAGICAL: I am at the loft.

nerdy nerd nerd: okay cool is Alec there???????

QUITE MAGICAL: yes... Alexander, are you sure this is a good idea?

ALEC AS HELL: yes. Now, Simon come here and in the meantime I'm changing everyone's name.

ALEC AS HELL change naturalblonde's name to LIL UNCAREFUL FUCKER

ALEC AS HELL changed artnrune's name to LIL CARROT

ALEC AS HELL changed happymaia's name to LIL FIGHTING BEAN

ALEC AS HELL changed nerdy nerd nerd's name to LIL BRO MUNDIE

ALEC AS HELL changed santiago.nightchild's name to LIL BITEY BITER

ALEC AS HELL changed sevenplusinches's name to LIL SISTAR


LIL SISTAR: why did i get such a lame name.

ALEC AS HELL: get what you get and you don't throw a fit.


LIL BITEY BITER: why am I even in this idiotic group chat?


LIL BRO MUNDIE: hell yeah!!!!

LIL BITEY BITER: I'm out of here. Please refrain from adding me back to the chat.

LIL BRO MUNDIE: like we need you anyway!!!!!!!!!

LIL BITEY BITER left the conversation!

LIL BRO MUNDIE: shoot............

ALEC AS HELL: what's wrong bro?

LIL BRO MUNDIE: I think he's cute.............

LIL FIGHTING BEAN: I'm just going to chalk that down to being drunk as hell.

LIL CARROT: it is. most likely.



LIL BRO MUNDIE: what????????

ALEC AS HELL: you got here!!

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: Maia, can I stay at your place tonight?

LIL FIGHTING BEAN: yeah. I don't blame you.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: actually never mind. I should stay here and make sure they don't break another 17th century vase.

LIL CARROT: another?

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: I'm the only one who lives with one of them. I have to deal with them when they get drunk.

LIL CARROT: them??

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: anytime Alec and Simon are drunk at the same time they decide they're bros and shit. Last time they got drunk they broke one of 17th century vases and knocked down an entire bookshelf.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: I left the mess for Alexander to clean up.

ALEC AS HELL: he did. It was a horrible time! Anyway I'm outta here so I can hang with my bro.

ALEC AS HELL left the conversation!

LIL BRO MUNDIE: I like my name so can someone change it back to this when I join the conversation again tomorrow??????????? Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIL BRO MUNDIE left the conversation!

LIL UNCAREFUL FUCKER: I'm not sure if I should be offended or intimidated.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: honestly me either.

LIL SISTAR: stop being stupid. Alec's so gone for you Magnus that I'm not quite sure what happened to my big brother and he's your parabatai, jace.


LIL UNCAREFUL FUCKER: if he really loved me, why would he call me "LIL UNCAREFUL FUCKER"

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: because you literally said: when am I not careful? And then you died or what the hell ever happened to you.

LIL UNCAREFUL FUCKER: okay I guess you're right.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: when am I ever wrong?

LIL UNCAREFUL FUCKER: anyway, like I said an hour ago, I really want to sleep


LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: I don't get to sleep, none of you get to sleep.

LIL UNCAREFUL FUCKER: go fuck yourself

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: oh that's alright, I have Alexander to do that for me. He's quite good at it. Very rough.

LIL UNCAREFUL FUCKER: okay no sleep for me, I'm going to go to the bar now and attempt to drink until I forget you just said that.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: you can try, but I'll always have the screenshots.

LIL UNCAREFUL FUCKER: you would not!


LIL MAGIC HOTTIE sent an image!


LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: sorry about it.

LIL CARROT: can you please let me sleep? Isabelle hid her phone somewhere in my room so she's getting sleep while I'm not.


LIL CARROT: yo ukeje jrni mad

LIL CARROT: oh that was intense.

LIL CARROT: my thumbs are tired.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: okay I'm done now because after a good hour and a half of playing tag with chairman meow, the boys just fell asleep cuddling on the couch.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: so now I get to sleep. It's past 3 in the morning I'm going to die.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: anyway good night everyone.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: except for you Jace.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE sent an image!

LIL UNCAREFUL FUCKER: I hate you so much.

LIL UNCAREFUL FUCKER left the conversation!

Chapter Text

8:06 A.M.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE added aleclightwood, sldd4638, and 2 others to the conversation!

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE changed sldd4638's name to LIL MUNDIE BRO!


LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: you told someone to do it. I happily obliged. you're welcome.

LIL MUNDIE BRO: okay i guess?

LIL MUNDIE BRO: everyone else, did that really happen?

LIL CARROT: okay seriously guys? yes, simon that happened. Magnus what are you doing up so early? you literally stayed up until 3 last night. I was off in dreamland and you woke me up. not happy about it.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: one thing that nobody except for alexander seems to remember is that I literally am the High Warlock of Brooklyn. I have things to do and clients to see.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: and my philosophy still has not changed. if I don't get to sleep, none of you get to sleep.

LIL CARROT: Izzy still has her phone hidden in my room.

LIL CARROT: you know what? she's asleep. I'm going to go hide my phone in her room. don't say anything for a good 5 minutes.

aleclightwood: okay so since it's been 5 minutes would someone mind filling me in on what happened last night.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: well, you guys played tag with the chairman. and you changed everyone's names on here to something in capital letters.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: yours was the only one that didn't have 'lil' attached to it.

LIL FIGHTING BEAN: yours was "ALEC AS HELL" raphael's was "LIL BITEY BITER" izzy's was "LIL SISTAR" and magnus changed simon's back to what you had it as.

aleclightwood: um mag, who is "you guys"

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: you and simon.

aleclightwood: why was I playing tag with simon and chairman meow? and what is tag?

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: you two were drunk

LIL FIGHTING BEAN: tag is where someone is 'it' and when the person who is it touches someone else they become 'it' and that just repeats itself.

aleclightwood: sounds stupid. and being drunk doesn't explain why I would hang out with the mundane.

LIL MUNDIE BRO: I think it's funny how neither of us asked why we woke up cuddling on the couch


naturalblonde: no thanks. I mean there have been plenty of times where I wanted to kill him, but I personally want to hear about this cuddling on the couch.

LIL MUNDIE BRO: it's actually gfhjfhjdlhfhhfhjfrk

naturalblonde: what


LIL MUNDIE BRO: sorry alec hit my phone.


aleclightwood: shut the hell up, simon. I'll do more than just hit your phone.

naturalblonde: this is too good to be true.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: it's true. I just walked in the loft and they're both here. Alec is grumpily sitting on the balcony.

aleclightwood: I am not grumpily doing anything.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: you are too.

aleclightwood: I'm not grumpy! You know what, I take offense to this. I'm not grumpy, I'm just a little bit...

aleclightwood: I just have a lot of problems in my life right now.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: okay, keep telling yourself that.

aleclightwood: whatever. at least I'm not like the nerdy mundane.

LIL FIGHTING BEAN: idk simon's not a nerd hot anymore. he's now a hot cute vampire.

LIL MUNDIE BRO: why thank you.

aleclightwood: not even what I said but okay.

aleclightwood: simon, get out of the loft.

LIL MUNDIE BRO: magnus, do i have to?

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: yes. you just left your I uncapitalized. get out.


Chapter Text

5:28 A.M.

LIL MUNDIE BRO: gooood morning group chat :)

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: Simon Lewis, I am going to kill you if you don't shut up.

naturalblonde: first you go and try to steal camille and now you're bothering us at 5 in the morning? gtfo.

LIL CARROT: nobody is ever awake this early so tf are you doing up?

aleclightwood: I'm always awake at 5 but that's besides the point.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: he's not wrong.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: he's like a human alarm clock and he wakes up at 5 am no matter what.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: it really sucks sometimes.

LIL CARROT: okay that's off topic guys :/


LIL MUNDIE BRO: guys I'm a vampire....

aleclightwood: you're also a daylighter?

LIL MUNDIE BRO: okay but I'm still a vampire.

LIL MUNDIE BRO: vampires naturally stay up at night.

LIL MUNDIE BRO: that includes me, a vampire in the flesh.

aleclightwood: okay but that doesn't mean you need to text us.

LIL FIGHTING BEAN: tf is going on? it's 6 am why are we talking

naturalblonde: simon is an idiot.

LIL FIGHTING BEAN: omg I'm out of here.

LIL FIGHTING BEAN left the conversation!

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: ya know what? me too. I don't get enough sleep by living with alec anyway so I don't need this too.



LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: yes, my dear Isabelle?

LIL SISTAR: living with alec?



LIL SISTAR: like I knew that alec always stayed the night but you guys living together? I was not informed and I'm offended.

aleclightwood: it's only six in the morning and she's already offended.

aleclightwood: today is going to be something else.

LIL SISTAR: you did it to yourself.


LIL SISTAR: I'm very mad at you.

aleclightwood: well I didn't know that I needed to have updates posted daily on where I'm living ??

LIL SISTAR: of course you do!!!!!!!!!

LIL SISTAR: I swear sometimes having an older brother is the worst.

aleclightwood: thank you so much, Izzy.

LIL SISTAR: I love you, but seriously?

LIL SISTAR: tell me these kinds of things!

aleclightwood: okay ?

LIL SISTAR: thank you.

aleclightwood: you're welcome I guess..

LIL SISTAR: Magnus, one more thing.


LIL SISTAR: why don't you get enough sleep with my brother living there? (;

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: usually I would really appreciate this opportunity to say something about your brother's stamina or otherwise but it's 6 am and I'm too tired from last night's activities with said brother.

naturalblonde: I HATE YOU


LIL SISTAR: okay that's all I wanted. I'm going back to bed. Magnus you can leave now if you want to.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: well, your brother has fully woken me up in ways that are a little too explicit for this group chat, so it's pointless now.

naturalblonde: literally nothing is too explicit for this group chat anymore.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: in that case, would you like to hear about it?

naturalblonde: NO

naturalblonde: if you guys don't either shut up or come meet me for breakfast at Taki's, I'm going to actually kill someone.

naturalblonde: and I'm not paying for breakfast.

naturalblonde: simon is.

LIL MUNDIE BRO: since when?

naturalblonde: since you texted me at 5 in the morning, interrupted my beauty sleep and tried to steal camille.

LIL MUNDIE BRO: who all is coming to breakfast then?

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: alexander and I will be there.

aleclightwood: I mean I guess I'm coming..

LIL CARROT: I'm coming.

LIL SISTAR: it's like you guys never stop talking. I guess I'm in.

LIL MUNDIE BRO: wait what about maia and raphael..?

LIL MUNDIE BRO added santiago.nightchild and bluemaia to the conversation!

santiago.nightchild: I thought I was clear when I asked you to refrain from adding me back to this horrendous thing.

bluemaia: dude I'm actually tired stop it.

LIL MUNDIE BRO: we're going to breakfast on me. you guys want in?

santiago.nightchild: Where?

LIL MUNDIE BRO: taki's. not too hard to get to from the hotel when it's sunny out. just use the tunnels :-)

santiago.nightchild: I'm going to pass, thanks.

bluemaia: when?


bluemaia: sure ..

LIL MUNDIE BRO: cool! see you all there!!!!!!

aleclightwood: yeah whatever.

Chapter Text

5:48 P.M.

LIL CARROT: hey guys guess what?


LIL CARROT: I’m dating someone !!


naturalblonde: me.

aleclightwood: and we care because?

LIL CARROT: I just wanted to tell someone jeez.

bluemaia: alec why are you being such a jerk?

aleclightwood: because malec is better than their stupid thing.

bluemaia: ahahahhha

naturalblonde: why do you have to be like this dude?

naturalblonde: just be a normal human that isn’t ruled by competition

naturalblonde: just once.

naturalblonde: JUST BE MY FRIEND

aleclightwood: where’s the fun in that?

LIL CARROT: you guys are the worst.

naturalblonde: are we going to have to fight again

naturalblonde: because this time I won’t walk away with a broken leg.

aleclightwood: no you won’t.

aleclightwood: you won’t walk away at all.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: Alec quit sending your brother death threats

naturalblonde: I’m really triggered.

aleclightwood: shut up jace.

LIL SISTAR: oooo I’m excited for the fight that’s abt to happen omg

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: I, on the other hand, am so over these two fighting like girls. Just act for once like you’re parabatai

aleclightwood: izzy I wish you wouldn’t have convinced me to become his parabatai

aleclightwood: I hate it

LIL MUNDIE BRO: y do u guys fight all the time

naturalblonde: the exact same reason you tried to steal Camille.

naturalblonde: we don’t know.

LIL MUNDIE BRO: will you shut up abt that

naturalblonde: no

LIL MUNDIE BRO: I hate this gc. I’m out

LIL MUNDIE BRO left the conversation!

aleclightwood: listen, all I’m saying is that I have a much better boyfriend than clary.

LIL CARROT: you’re not wrong.

naturalblonde: does everyone hate me?

naturalblonde: what am I thinking? everyone loves me.

bluemaia: I disagree.

santiago.nightchild: as do I. Now, is there any reason why I’m still here?


santiago.nightchild: why

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: because you have no friends besides Isabelle and me. you need to socialize. so, no, you aren’t allowed to leave this groupchat. Make some friends, be nice.

santiago.nightchild: ok dad jeez.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: can we stop with the whole “Alec and Magnus are our dads thing”

santiago.nightchild: no.

aleclightwood: we aren’t your dads.

bluemaia: actually. remember the charm I know about?

aleclightwood: okAY FINE WE ARE YOUR DADS

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: i frickin hate you Maia

bluemaia: that’s ok :)

naturalblonde: what’s the charm?


aleclightwood: STAY OUT OF IT

LIL SISTAR: how cute. you guys are texting at the same exact time.

aleclightwood: I’m so over this conversation.

aleclightwood: look, jace, I’m just making the point that at least I have a better relationship.

naturalblonde: the whole beginning of your relationship was just you pining

aleclightwood: look who’s talking.

aleclightwood: “oh I love her! oh she’s my sister!”

aleclightwood: “oh why, why, why—“

naturalblonde: shut up.

naturalblonde: I have the worst parabatai ever omg.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: quit arguing jeez. The start of both of your relationships were you guys pining because you’re alike in some aspects wow who would think that two parabatai are alike in any way. Now apologize, both of you, and get back to hunting shadows or whatever you do at work.

naturalblonde: sorry Alec

aleclightwood: sorry jace.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: was that really that hard?

naturalblonde: not really

aleclightwood: yes it actually was.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: well too bad. Suck it up, buttercup.

bluemaia: and you claim not to be an actual dad.


Chapter Text

1:30 P.M.
Feb. 05

sldd4638 has started a private message!

sldd4638: are you sure that jace hates me?

aleclightwood: yes.

sldd4638: how do you know?

sldd4638 nicknamed aleclightwood Alec

sldd4638 nicknamed sldd4638 Simon

Alec: because you bother me.

Simon: that's not what I meant! i meant does JACE hate me?

Alec: yes I know what you meant. you bother me, so no matter what you definitely bother Jace.

Alec: because of the whole parabatai thing I also know what he feels literally all the time.

Simon: okay so does he hate me?

Alec: no...

Simon: then why does he act like it?????

Alec: because.

Simon: because why?

Alec left the conversation!


1:42 P.M.
Feb. 05

You started a private message with sevenplusinches!

sevenplusinches: you can't just start a private message and then not say anything. what do you need.

aleclightwood: is jace bi?

sevenplusinches: are you kidding me? i thought you were over him!!!!! Remember Magnus Bane?? The hottie that you regularly have really amazing sex with? The one who is the actual love of your life??

aleclightwood: omg I didn't forget about Magnus.

aleclightwood: it's kind of hard when he makes it so hard. and by it I mean me.

sevenplusinches: !!!!

sevenplusinches: give me sec hold on. I need a lil bit to process what you just said wow.

sevenplusinches: okay I'm back. why are you asking abt jace's sexuality then?

aleclightwood: because I'm like 90% sure that he has conflicting feelings for someone.

sevenplusinches: who

aleclightwood: simon...

sevenplusinches: HA I KNEW IT

aleclightwood: you thought he liked simon?

sevenplusinches: no that one's actually kind of a shock.

sevenplusinches: I've just been pretty sure that at some point jace was gonna experiment w his sexuality.

sevenplusinches: however, to answer you question, no I do not think he is bi. just curious. anyway he's dating clary or whatever.

aleclightwood: okay thanks iz. talk to you later.

sevenplusinches: talk to you later, big bro. love you

aleclightwood: love you too


9:26 A.M.
Feb. 06

You started a private message with naturalblonde!

aleclightwood: hey I just wanted to let you know that you're my brother which means that no matter what I'll always love and support you. I know this is weird for me to do since we usually don't open up to each other like this but it just really felt like it needed to be said.

naturalblonde: thanks..

aleclightwood: you think this is weird, don't you?

naturalblonde: well, yes but it's just kind of weird timing.

aleclightwood: why?

naturalblonde: I want to let you know that I don't think I'm actually gay or bi or anything else, I'm just a little confused. ya know?

aleclightwood: yeah I do know. you can always talk to me or magnus. we both care a lot about you and we'll both be supportive.

naturalblonde: why would I talk to magnus about this and not you?

aleclightwood: I like men. not women. I don't relate with bi people. magnus likes men. he also like women. he is bi. he relates with bi people.

naturalblonde: ohhh

naturalblonde: thanks alec. I love you bro

aleclightwood: love you too


10:24 A.M.
Feb. 06

mags: hey just wanted to let you know that I'm probably going to be a little late to lunch today but I'll be there, promise!

alec: okay, no problem. see you then

mags: are you okay?

alec: yeah, just need to talk to you during lunch about something important.

mags: are we good??

alec: Yes!! It's about Jace!! not us

mags: okay good. :)

alec: I love you

mags: love you too

3:14 P.M.
Feb. 06

mags: hey how's work going?

alec: not too bad. how's work for you?

mags: all my afternoon clients magically had to cancel. can you come home early? ;)

alec: i'll do my best to find someone to cover for me.

mags: let me know if you find someone

alec: iz said she'd cover for me

mags: can't wait to see you..

alec: me either. I have to file a few things and I'll be over.

mags sent a photo!

mags: will that make you hurry?

alec: on my way right now

mags: you want a portal?

alec: yes please!

Chapter Text

1:02 A.M.

aleclightwood: waht happende to the cool names i gave everyone?!?!

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: I’m really sorry guys. I’m doing my best to keep him off his phone but he loves this group chat when he’s drunk.


aleclightwood: omg is simon not here?

LIL CARROT: nope. everyone was bullying him as usual and he left.

aleclightwood: not good. not good at all.

aleclightwood added sldd4638 to the conversation!

aleclightwood changed sldd4638 ’s name to homie #1

aleclightwood: yo homie i missed you bro

homie #1: wtf

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: he’s drunk. ignore him.

homie #1: oh. okay.

homie #1: can I leave then?


LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: am I not your friend?

aleclightwood: ya but like si is my homie #1.

aleclightwood: he’s fam.

aleclightwood: fam before the ham.

aleclightwood: if that doesn’t make sense then: ham is a type of meat and magnus’s’s’s’s meat is waht i wnat.

aleclightwood: also i don’t know the rule on ‘s after names that end with s. what do i do!??! english inventor help me

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: alec, you’re being extra annoying to everyone else. can you please stop?

santiago.nightchild: Yes, please do.

aleclightwood: i can’t stop and i won’t stop. i’m pretty much miley cyrus.

aleclightwood changed aleclightwood ‘s name to miley FRICKING cyrus

miley FREAKING cyrus: sweet niblits.

LIL CARROT: how do you even know that reference

miley FREAKING cyrus: magnus n me binge a lot of shows sometimes

miley FREAKING cyrus: and when magnus doesn’t feel good we watch hannah dakota or colorado or something like that. m

homie #1: hannah colorado. that’s the greatest of all time.

miley FREAKING cyrus: i know right?$?!

miley FREAKING cyrus: okay izzy i know ur somewhere on ur phone so get over here.

miley FREAKING cyrus: i hve an idea. i’m excite d

LIL SISTAR: what do you want alec? it better be good or else you’re going to get your butt whipped into next week.

miley FREAKING cyrus: okay so what if we all and went and egged lorenzo’s stupid mansion?

LIL SISTAR: and I had to be here because...?

miley FREAKING cyrus: because ur my lil SISTAR and i don’t want u to feel left out.

LIL CARROT: who is lorenzo?

miley FREAKING cyrus: that stupid warlock that literally came out of nowhere and started being a stupid idiot to my rly pretty boyfriend.

miley FREAKING cyrus: do u guys know how freaking pretty my boyfriend is?

miley FREAKING cyrus: oh wait that’s off topic sorry.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: I wanted to hear this.

santiago.nightchild: no. alec. no one wants to hear this. please.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: ugh you’re such a buzzkill, raph.

santiago.nightchild: are you tipsy, magnus?

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: maybe a little bit. not much though it’s ohay.

santiago.nightchild: okay you tell yourself that.... in the meantime, I’m out of here. bye everyone.

santiago.nightchild left the conversation!

LIL SISTAR: are we egging this douchebag’s house or what?

miley FREAKING cyrus: heck yeah we are!!

miley FREAKING cyrus: wait can we pls magnus?

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: eh why not?

miley FREAKING cyrus: YES!!’gndbsksjfjslks

miley FREAKING cyrus: oksy, everyone who wants to go, meet at magnus’s’s’s’s loft at 2:00 a.m, on the dot.

miley FREAKING cyrus: lets do head count who’s going?

miley FREAKING cyrus: i am!


LIL SISTAR: since you woke me up for it, why not.

homie #1: i’m in.

LIL CARROT: I’ll go. jace?

naturalblonde: sure

homie #1: maia?

bluemaia: since you guys will never shut up, I guess I’m going.


miley FREAKING cyrus: even drunk me says to never call us a squad again.


Chapter Text

12:43 P.M.


miley FREAKING cyrus: aren’t you supposed to be meeting with a client right now?

miley FREAKING cyrus: why is my name miley freaking cyrus?

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: to answer your first question: yes, I should be but he was an idiotic homophobic guy who I didn’t want to deal with. so, I cancelled.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: second question: drunk you thinks that you’re a genius. not that you’re typically stupid, in fact you’re quite smart, but drunk you is kind of an idiot.

miley FREAKING cyrus: I don’t even do that much when I’m drunk.

LIL SISTAR: that’s the biggest lie i’ve ever heard and you’ve told me that you were straight.

miley FREAKING cyrus: sometimes my family is literally the worst. whatever i’m going back to lunch.

naturalblonde: or maybe you’re just the worst and we’re really just the greatest.

miley FREAKING cyrus: swear to the angel, I’ll break more than just your leg.

naturalblonde: whY DO YOU HATE ME

miley FREAKING cyrus: I don’t.

naturalblonde: yes you do.

miley FREAKING cyrus: no I don’t.

miley FREAKING cyrus: please let me eat my banana in peace.

naturalblonde: whatever idiot.

miley FREAKING cyrus: look, this banana looks really good so, just let me eat my banana before i beat you up. i just want my banana ugh.

naturalblonde: you and your banana are stupid.


naturalblonde: no.

LIL SISTAR: jace, if i were you i’d just shut up while you’re ahead because magnus is an extremely powerful warlock who could probably send you to another dimension if he wanted to. so just stop.

naturalblonde: what if i don’t want to stop ha

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: then you’ll be meeting an alternate universe you.

naturalblonde: fine whateverrrr

naturalblonde: why does everyone in this groupchat have to be so mean to me :,,,,(

bluemaia: shut up jace. you’re such a crybaby

naturalblonde: whatever

naturalblonde: magnus, will you at least prank alec to make me feel better?


LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: well, we have to talk about something else so it doesn’t seem fishy for a second.

bluemaia: okkk we’re kind of the worst at this sooo

LIL CARROT: true, none of us are good at small talk.

LIL CARROT: let’s see, i’m pretty sure luke finally has one of these usernames.

LIL CARROT: should I add him to the group?

bluemaia: um DUH

LIL CARROT: alrighty one luke father figure garroway coming right up.

LIL CARROT added lukeisyourfather to the conversation!

bluemaia: hey luke!

LIL CARROT: hey! welcome to the groupchat :)

lukeisyourfather: uhh who’s in this groupchat?

LIL CARROT: me (clary), alec, magnus, jace, izzy, maia, simon, and raphael except raphael leaves a lot.

LIL CARROT: everybody’s names are a little weird. so izzy’s is LIL SISTAR, jace’s is naturalblonde, magnus’ is LIL MAGIC HOTTIE, mine (obviously) is LIL CARROT, alec’s is miley FREKAING cyrus, maia’s is bluemaia, and simon’s is homie #1

homie #1: hey guys. (this is simon, luke) i’ll add raphael back.

homie #1 added santiago.nightchild to the conversation!

homie #1 changed santiago.nightchild’s name to raph!

raph: i hate that you people insist on adding me back to this group chat when i barely like any of you.

lukeisyourfather: this groupchat seems really mean.

homie #1: it is. sometimes it gets raunchy with alec and magnus but only when we’re all a lil bit drunk.

homie #1: it’s mostly really funny.


LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: i don’t know. how should i know

homie #1: my point proven. this is hilarious.

miley FREAKING cyrus: don’t lie to me. I know better than anyone else when someone is lying because i spent years doing that so tell me the truth.



miley FREAKING cyrus: i swear magnus.

miley FREAKING cyrus: just TELL ME

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: i don’t know. scouts honor.

homie #1: scouts honor only works if you were in boy scouts.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: simon i’m going to kill you. shut up.

miley FREAKING cyrus: i know you’re lying to me.

miley FREAKING cyrus: what am i supposed to do now.

miley FREAKING cyrus: please get rid of these.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: no, i’ll pass. you were super worried about eating your banana, so you have to eat them all to get rid of them aha

miley FREAKING cyrus: I’ll just get catarina to take them out for me.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: great idea except for one hole in your master plan.

miley FREAKING cyrus: you cursed them didn’t you?

LIL SISTAR: this is by far the greatest thing to happen in the groupchat, so feel lucky that you aren’t missing this, luke.

lukeisyourfather: yeah.... i’m so glad...

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: whoopsie. guess my hand slipped or something...


homie #1: this is the best.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: okay, well i’m turning off my phone soooo bye :)

naturalblonde: that was definitely the best prank we’ve ever pulled.

lukeisyourfather: didn’t you guys egg lorenzo’s house last week?

naturalblonde: yeah but this is better. alec’s going to be eating his bananas for weeks.

Chapter Text

homie #1: hey youu guys, I have a serious question for you.

LIL SISTAR: sure, what's up?

homie #1: okay so the seelie queen pretty much knows everything because of like bugs and stuff right?

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: in theory, yes. why?

homie #1: wellllllll

bluemaia: let's not go there. how bout that?

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: no freaking way.

LIL SISTAR: you've got to be kidding me

naturalblonde: ew

LIL CARROT: what's the issue? si didn't even tell us what he's worried about..

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: biscuit, you're lucky you've got your looks.

miley FREAKING cyrus: I'm a little confused as well.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: come to my office and I'll fill you in.

bluemaia: or not magnus. the less people that know the better.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: whoops too late.

miley FREAKING cyrus: seriously maia? I thought you were a bit more intelligent. especially simon of all people...?

homie #1: hey! that's mean.

lukeisyourfather: okaaay I'm still in this chat and surprisingly enough I am not as oblivious as the girl I raised... I know what you're talking about and I don't want to hear about it. I'm out.

lukeisyourfather has left the chat!

homie #1: omg I forgot he was in this chat.

raph: I'm leaving too. I don't care what stupid things you and maia do in your freetime, I just hate this chat. Bye.

raph has left the chat!

LIL SISTAR: so we're down two people, so spill some beans. the people left don't matter that much.

homie #1: actually you all matter. the only person I would even consider spilling to in this chat is magnus and that's because he's my dad.

miley FREAKING cyrus: i thought we were done with the whole dad thing.

bluemaia: nope. that's never done.

LIL CARROT: can someone please fill me in on what's going on

homie #1: no.

LIL CARROT: why not? this is so stupid just tell me.

homie #1: okay fine. so pretty much maia and I decided that WE ARE NOT TELLING YOU

LIL CARROT: fine be that way.

LIL CARROT has left the chat!

naturalblonde: nice going man

homie #1: well I was absolutely not going to tell her that i had sex with maia in a forest and now the seelie queen won't quit bugging me about it.

naturalblonde: wAIT THATS WHAT THIS WAS ABOUT??!?!?


naturalblonde: EW EW EW EW EW EW

LIL SISTAR: yeah I actually didn't think you guys banged lol.

LIL SISTAR: yeah i just went and asked luke and raph and neither of them guessed that you guys actually banged in a forest. that's pretty weird

LIL SISTAR: none of us thought you had sex

miley FREAKING cyrus: um that isn't true. that's exactly what magnus guessed and then told me.

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: true. i guess i'm the only one with their head in the gutter

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: but that's probably because alec and i have done the exact same thing

miley FREAKING cyrus: MAGNUS!!


homie #1: omg you're kiddinggggggg

LIL SISTAR: as per usual, get summmmmmmmmmmmm

naturalblonde: honestly i'm impressed because alec's sex résumé is probably better than izzy and mine combined

LIL SISTAR: surprisingly, i agree

miley FREAKING cyrus: i hate you all

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: we looooove you

miley FREAKING cyrus: if you loved me you wouldn't enjoy my pain

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: oh sweetie i can think of plenty of situations where i would enjoy your pain

miley FREAKING cyrus: by the angel please stop

LIL SISTAR: this is really iconic wow

miley FREAKING cyrus: no this is the opposite of iconic, whatever that is.

bluemaia: i'm pretty sure this is like the definition of iconic

homie #1: okay but what even is iconic

homie #1: like idk there's just so many ways you can use it and I don't think it makes sense in this situation

miley FREAKING cyrus: yeah it definitely does not apply in this situation

bluemaia: no i'm pretty sure it does

miley FREAKING cyrus: well you'd be wrong and that's it.

bluemaia: whatever. maybe you're the one who's wrong

miley FREAKING cyrus: and you're wrong again

bluemaia: nuh uh

miley FREAKING cyrus: my private life being broadcast is not iconic

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: hey it's my private life too

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: and i still think this is iconic

miley FREAKING cyrus: you're supposed to back me up dude

naturalblonde: did you seriously just call your boyfriend dude

miley FREAKING cyrus: well if he keeps on betraying me like this he won't be my bf so what does it matter

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: hey! so not fair! i just show my love by teasing

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: it's character building not betraying

miley FREAKING cyrus: i don't care if i'm being built into the best person there could be by you teasing me

miley FREAKING cyrus: you gotta back me up at some point

LIL SISTAR: oh chill big bro. we love hearing about your private life

LIL SISTAR: anyway you're gaining a lot of street cred by having your sex stories broadcast

naturalblonde: honestly she's not wrong

bluemaia: she really isn't. i think every girl can agree tht if you weren't gay we'd be going after you

homie #1: and tbh if i wasn't with maia i would totally consider going gay for you

miley FREAKING cyrus: okay that took it too far

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: back off guys, he's mine

miley FREAKING cyrus: are you sure abt that mag?

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: not even funny man

naturalblonde: why are you guys acting like bros?

naturalblonde: you guys are supposed to call each other babe and sweetie or something

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: well apparently i'm not going to be his babe if i keep bRoAdCaStInG hIs PrIvAtE LiFe

LIL SISTAR: omg you guys both know tht you aren't going to break up over this so shuddup

miley FREAKING cyrus: idk we did break up over us both being leaders

miley FREAKING cyrus: like wtf ????????

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: that can't even count as a breakup!

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: we weren't together for maybe a week if that

miley FREAKING cyrus: i'm pretty sure it counts

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: no it doesn't

naturalblonde: ok make a private chat if you don't want your private life broadcasted bc this is the worst listening to you guys fight

homie #1: true it's like listening to your parents fight

homie #1: you don't want to pick a side but it's kinda hard not to

LIL MAGIC HOTTIE: so whose side are you on?

homie #1: and then one of them tries to pull you into the fight and that's when you quietly leave and tell them to let you know when the fighting is done so that you can come back

homie #1: add me back when alec's private life is no longer being broadcast :)

homie #1 left the chat!

miley FREAKING cyrus: whatever i'm going back to work i'm so over this...

LIL SISTAR: thank you

naturalblonde: no kidding

bluemaia: hopefully you two work things out :(

LIL SISTAR: oh pls when alec said that he was going back to work, work meant magnus.

miley FREAKING cyrus: ya know i'm still here

miley FREAKING cyrus: and that's still my private life

LIL SISTAR: love ya big brother <3