Jeongguk sits on the couch when they get home, partially watching as Jimin helps Taehyung into his room and closes the door. He hears some talking, then silence - the silence continues for long time, and Jeongguk assumes Jimin might have put Taehyung to bed. He waits for another ten minutes, to see if Jimin is planning on leaving his room to confront Jeongguk, but every minute that passes makes Jeongguk feel more and more like the air the the room is choking the life out of him.
Finally he gets up and grabs his jacket and keys from the counter.
Leaving the apartment at a time like this probably isn't such a good idea, but he has his phone on him. If there needs to be some sort of fight, he's willing to come home and face the punishment. He just can't be there right now.
He walks down the barren sidewalks, through the dark alleys behind their apartment, and his mind swims from one extreme to anoother. He doesn't know where to focus his energy.
He feels anger at Namjoon, at himself, at the entire situation. He feels as though he fucked things up for Taehyung, and how that's the last thing he'd ever want to do to him. He thinks of Taehyung. Taehyung. Taehyung should be nobody, he should be a roommate, he should be his best friend's other best friend, some kind of abstract image of a person that doesn't have this kind mentally and physically draining effect on Jeongguk.
The blowjob might have been some stupid curiousity thing, but anything after that can't be pegged on anything other than infatuation. Jeongguk doesn't want to think about why, or what it means, because it's obviously not a good thing if this is what kind of effect it has on Taehyung.
So he has to end it.
He's about four blocks away from their apartment when Jimin call him. His voice is quiet, like he doesn't want to wake up Taehyung.
"Where are you?"
"I went for a walk."
"Come back. Wait for me outside."
"Jimin. I really don't have the energy."
"I'm not going to fucking yell at you, Jeongguk."
Jeongguk makes his way back to the apartment with dread growing in the pit of his stomach. He sees Jimin sitting on the stoop, holding his phone. He's in an oversized tank, clearly underdressed for the weather.
He gets up when he sees Jeongguk and drops his phone into his pocket. "Hey."
"Hey," Jeongguk echoes, his eyes darting to the steps, anywhere but at Jimin's expressive face.
"Do you want to explain to me what happened?"
"No. But I should probably do it anyway," Jeongguk starts. If he can't decide what's going on in his own head, how is he going to explain the whole thing to someone else? He decides he'll sum it up, and he doesn't care if it's inaccurate. "I fucked up. I was curious, and I did some stupid things."
"And? That's it."
Jimin exhales loudly and Jeongguk finally meets his dark gaze. "Jeongguk. I get that you don't like to discuss shit like this, but you need to get your words together before you talk to Taehyung."
"Talk to him? What would I say?" Jeongguk shoots back a little too quickly. "There's nothing to say."
"There's nothing to say? Are you sure about that?" Jimin asks incredulously.
Jeongguk is never sure. Of all the things Jeongguk is unsure about, this is probably at the top of the pile. Still, he finally convinces Jimin he doesn't want to talk about this, and when they both trudge off into their respective bedrooms, Jeongguk gets up late in the night and tip toes to Taehyung's door. There's no light peaking from underneath, and he places both hands on the door and presses his ear against it. There's nothing but silence, and for a moment he thinks he hears light sobbing but thankfully it's just the sound of a siren from outside, in the distance, rushing to some other emergency that has nothing to do with this one.
Jimin isn't home when Jeongguk wakes up the next day, and he finds finds a note on the dinner table that says 'at Jennie's', and Jeongguk knows that he did this on purpose.
Jeongguk doesn't notice anything moved in their shared living area since the night before, so he assumes Taehyung is still in his room.
He walks to the door and raps at it lightly. There's no response.
"Tae?" Then again, slightly louder: "Taehyung?"
Finally there's some sort of noise, potentially a grunt, and Jeongguk turns the handle to walk in.
Taehyung is sitting on his bed surrounded by his blankets and pillows, submerged in what seems to be some kind of fort. His phone is on the bed in front of him, and he watches it like it's a time bomb. He looks up momentarily, making eye-contact with Jeongguk, and his expression is missing the playful light it typically emits.
Jeongguk walks up to him and sits on the edge of his bed. "You okay?"
"Do you actually care?"
Jeongguk feels his heart seize because he was worried about this. He was worried about what kind of way Taehyung would react as a result of this, where his anger would rest, and he tried in vain to think that maybe Taehyung would blame something other than Jeongguk for what happened at the show.
"I do care," Jeongguk says, firmly.
"Did you really tell Namjoon that stuff about our relationship being abusive?" Taehyung asks, quietly.
Jeongguk thinks for a moment. "Yes."
"How dare you fucking say that," Taehyung cracks back immediately, but his eyes soften from anger to sadness in an instant and Jeongguk wishes it wouldn't be completely inappropriate right now to just lunge at him and hold him close.
"I'm...I'm so sorry," Jeongguk mumbles. He's not good at translating how sorry he actually feels into words, but thankfully Taehyung doesn't seem to care about this one added failure.
He can't believe he's the one that made Taehyung feel this sad; he can't fucking believe it.
"He doesn't even want to talk to me anymore," Taehyung says, his steady voice suddenly rupturing and dropping to almost a whisper. His eyes start to well up, and Jeongguk wants to reach out and hold his small face in his hands, but at the same time he wants to run as far away from Taehyung as physically possible, and it's the most painful clash of emotions he's felt in a long time.
"Taehyung, I was just...I was trying to defend myself."
"What did he say to you?" Taehyung asks, and Jeongguk is a little taken back, thinking maybe Namjoon had already spoken to Taehyung about all the little details.
"He," Jeogguk licks his lips. "He said I'm using you. That you're something. Someone. You're someone I'm experimenting with."
"So?" Taehyung asks, his expression unchanging. "What's wrong with that? Why would you need to defend yourself?"
Jeongguk isn't sure if Taehyung is doing this on purpose or not, but it stings.
"Whatever. It doesn't fucking matter," Taehyung continues, pulling his hood down from the top of his head, his hair a complete mess. "You should have just told him I'm okay with it and walked away. You shouldn't have said...that fucking stuff. God, I still can't believe you told him that."
"You think," Jeongguk starts, still clinging to the wrong part of what Taehyung wants to focus on. "You think that I'm just experimenting with you?"
"Well," Taehyung says, mean now, the corners of his full lips twitching up in a bitter smirk. "What else would you call this?"
Jeongguk is speechless. He feels a myriad of things, but he can't magnify any of them to a size large enough where they could somehow get his mind to construct a comprehensive sentence and feed it to his mouth. "I wouldn't call it that."
"Okay. I'm waiting. Go ahead, then. Call it what you think it is," Taehyung says, egging him on again, and when Jeongguk just stares at him he smiles ruefully. "Great! Now my partner doesn't even want to talk to me because of what you said, and you don't even know what you're talking about. Super."
Jeongguk thinks Taehyung is too good at being mean when he wants to be.
"Taehyung. I'm sorry that it was me. If this all happened with someone else, I think...it'd be easier," Jeongguk feels his hands trembling so he grabs the sheets. He hates this so much. He hates the way Taehyung is talking to him, like he suddenly can't stand him. It makes him feel worse than he ever thought would be imaginable.
"I'm sorry too," Taehyung begins, like he's notices how hurt Jeongguk looks, like he might be trying to lessen the blow. "I shouldn't have sucked your dick. And I shouldn't have, I don't know, flirted with you so much. I guess I thought it was fun, but this isn't fun. This is the opposite of fun. I really liked Namjoon."
Jeongguk just stands up because his mouth has officially stopped working. The cogs turning in his jaw have stopped receiving signals for his brain, and there's no fucking way he can salvage whatever just happened here. He just needs to get away.
Taehyung looks up at him, like he's expecting him to do or say something else, and when Jeongguk doesn't, he just stares back down at his blankets. "I'm sorry for dragging you into this," Taehyung adds, and it's heavy with something that begs for Jeongguk to disagree.
But he doesn't disagree. He just turns and leaves the room.
Jeongguk and Taehyung avoid talking to each other for the next few days. These few days pass slower than an entire month.
After those initial days, though, they start again with small talk - small menial things, little jokes. Like they just met.
This is worse than if they were to have just broken off all contact, Jeongguk thinks, and he dreads being left alone in the apartment with Taehyung when he knows what's to come of their interactions.
Jimin seems to be annoyed at the both of them, and he tends to spend most of his time with Jennie when he's not at work.
Jeongguk hates when he catches glances of Taehyung when he thinks no one is watching him, his eyes hooded, his lips pressed together in thought or in grief. He's clearly still drowning. At this point Jeongguk just wants Taehyung to stop being sad; he's thinking about it so much that he almost forgets how upset he is himself.
Work proves to be only a slight solace for Jeongguk, because Yoongi does the stupid small-talk thing once a day, where he asks about how Jeongguk's life is going and doesn't really care about what the answer is. The fact that Yoongi doesn't really care isn't what bothers Jeongguk, though, it's the idea that he has to swallow his own shit and say 'fine'.
He wants to kind of grab Yoongi and shake him and yell into his face that he's not fine, and that he really needs to talk to someone about this, but the two friends he's stranded in this city with don't want to anything to do with him, and he can't call anyone else out of the blue because he barely ever responds to their texts.
This kind of just goes on for a few days, until Yoongi seems to reluctantly catch on to Jeongguk's terrible mood. It starts slow. Jeongguk maybe isn't on his A game for a bit, or maybe mucks up the list of repairs he was supposed to have written for them.
Yoongi looks almost pained to say it, but he eventually does. He's already asked Jeongguk his usual how's-your-life question of the day, so now that this is coming out, Jeongguk knows he means business: "You okay?"
Jeongguk stares at him like he's stranded in open waters and Yoongi is a life-jacket riddled with holes. "No."
Jeongguk somehow gets through the whole story during their forty-five minute lunch period. He maybe sums the whole thing up to about eight concise sentences, separated by long minutes of silence.
Yoongi just sort of stares at him. He doesn't nod, he doesn't shake his head, he doesn't even seem to remotely react to any of it until Jeongguk is pretty much finished, kicking at the gravel on the ground outside their shop.
"You should talk to Namjoon."
Jeongguk looks down at Yoongi. "What?"
"Talk to Namjoon. Tell him to talk to Spray-Tan," Yoongi says, slower, like he doesn't want Jeongguk to make him repeat the sentiment.
"But I meant what I said."
"Doesn't matter. You're upset because Spray-Tan is upset. Namjoon is why he's upset."
"He's upset at me," Jeongguk stresses, and it feels terrible say it out-loud, like he's finally coming to terms with it.
"He's upset at you through Namjoon," Yoongi says, and he sounds completely finished with this topic, like talking about it has sucked the life out of him.
"I really liked Namjoon."
Jeongguk understands everything Yoongi is saying, but then he childishly thinks of a slight problem with the plan. He wants to bring it up but Yoongi is looking at him like he knows what Jeongguk is going to say, like he dares him to go there.
If Jeongguk gets Namjoon to talk to Taehyung, he has no idea what Namjoon will say, and one of the outcomes could very well be that they might decide to get back together. That means they'll be back to square one, and Jeongguk will be back in his own square too, on the opposite end of the board. This doesn't bring any sort of closure to what happened between Taehyung and Jeongguk, this just fixes the problem Jeongguk might have aggravated between Namjoon and Taehyung, and they can march off into the sunset again.
Yoongi is pretty much asking Jeongguk to go with what he's sure about over what he's not sure about. He's sure that Taehyung is upset about how things ended with Namjoon. He's unsure about what Taehuyng feels about him, he's unsure about his own feelings, he's unsure about practically everything else about this scenario.
"We have to get back to work," Yoongi says while Jeongguk stares off into space. He stands up. "You need Namjoon's number? I think I still have it in my phone."
"Wait, what? How do you have his number?" Jeongguk asks.
"I know Namjoon. I've been to a few of his shows. We're not friends, but we're acquaintances. I fixed his motorbike a few times."
"But why did you tell Taehyung you've never seen him before?"
Yoongi frowns, like it's the stupidest question he's ever heard. "Because I didn't want to talk."
Jeongguk reckons Yoongi is some sort of genius.
Jeongguk spends the next little while bludgeoning himself in over the head with potential scenarios that could transpire as a result of this prospective conversation with Namjoon.
The most prevalent thought is that Namjoon will lose his shit, Jeongguk will follow, and they'll get into some sort of physical altercation that will land Jeongguk in prison and Namjoon in the ICU. (Jeongguk is just being honest here about his ability to physically hurt another person.)
The second most prevalent thought is that Jeongguk might suddenly freeze up, and Namjoon will continue to verbally dismantle him using all kinds of scarring psychological techniques that Jeongguk will never fully recover from. (There is honesty here, again from Jeongguk, about his inability to verbally 'fight back' with someone like Namjoon.)
Jeongguk doesn't really think about the scenarios where things will actually truly work in his favor, because Jeongguk's brain doesn't function like that. He's beginning to develop a terrible headache.
He eventually decides to text Namjoon, and is surprised with how quickly he responds. He seems surprisingly on board and willing to talk - then again Jeongguk once assumed a text from a grieving coworker about a family member dying was actually a joke about responded with 'lol', so he decides to tread lightly just in case.
They set a time and place to meet (Jeongguk has to Google Map the location because it's some unknown, raw/vegan cafe), and Jeongguk starts preparing himself mentally for what might happen.
Jeongguk tells Jimin about his plan, (his friend's face lights up with excitement) and he earns himself one of the first genuine smiles he's seen in a little while. Jimin's initially optimistic reaction kind of drizzles into a look of sorrow, though, when he notices how fatalistic Jeongguk seems about the whole thing. Jeongguk was never good at hiding his feelings, especially feelings he's this uncomfortable with.
"Jeongguk...do you...like Tae? I mean, romantically or whatever?"
Jeongguk is sitting on the floor, with a notepad sprawled where Taehyung usually lays his sketches out, working on his time-plan for maintenance on a new vehicle. He looks up at Jimin, who is standing still against the kitchen table. Jeongguk twirls his pencil slowly between his index and middle fingers. "Yeah. I'm pretty sure."
Jimin nods. "Are you going to tell him?"
Jeongguk shrugs. He places the pencil down, wringing his wrists. "It wouldn't be fair. To him." He feels his headache growing faster with each word that slips out of his mouth.
"It wouldn't be fair to tell him you like him?"
"I've never been with a guy before, Jimin. I don't think I could make him happy."
"Did you need a training course before you dated a girl?"
Jeongguk doesn't really have an answer to that one. He didn't need a course, but he's spent most of his post-pubescent life having sex with girls, dating girls, and he can't help but think there's at least some difference. Even the two physical encounters he's had with Taehyung - as positive as they were - had been different, almost nerve-wracking.
"I've known Taehyung for years, Jeongguk. Longer than I've known you. And I can tell that he's most definitely crushing on you," Jimin ventures lowly, as though Taehyung might suddenly manifest outside the apartment door and crash through it.
Jeongguk shakes his head. "Even if that's true, I don't...I don't know the half of my own feelings. I don't want to dump all that stuff on him."
Jimin shrugs. "Have you ever felt this way about a guy?"
"Hey," Jimin offers, when he notices Jeongguk looking more like a ghost and less like a person. "It's not a big deal, okay? This stuff happens all the time."
Whether or not this stuff happens all the time doesn't make any sort of difference to Jeongguk, who barely knows what to do with himself. It would have been so simple if the blowjob was just a blowjob, if he hadn't been so bowled over by it, if Taehyung touching his genitals had been just that: not a combination of his personality, his soul-sucking optimism, his stupid, sweet face.
Hell, Jeongguk doesn't think he's felt this way about his past girlfriends before. Sure, he's been obsessed with them, but it was never painful. There's something realistic about the pain this time, like he either has to let it grow or cut it out of himself like it's a malignant tumor.
Namjoon is early, sitting in his pristine black outfit. Jeongguk is wearing a black sweater too, but it has been washed at least ten times and looks more grey than anything when juxtaposed with Namjoon's obviously new and cared-for ensemble.
Jeongguk's head hurts so bad at this point of the day he feels as though he's been scalped.
"Hey," Jeongguk says and he's about to sit down when Namjoon stands up.
"Let's walk. Did you want anything?"
"No. And sure, yeah, let's walk," Jeongguk says, confused.
They start walking together, turning into an alley, away from the bustling early autumn sidewalks.
Namjoon shoves his hands in his pockets. "Walking helps my brain work faster."
This worries Jeongguk.
"I don't think anything helps my brain work faster," Jeongguk adds back and Namjoon scoffs.
"You want to talk about Taehyung don't you?" Namjoon seems like a really focused guy.
"I wanted to...apologize. About what I said," Jeongguk says, slowly.
"No, you don't," Namjoon says back cheerfully.
Jeongguk stops and Namjoon stops in front of him then turns to face him. Jeongguk tries again, differently. "I want to apologize. But not because I don't believe what I said was true."
Namjoon's eyebrows dart up into his straw-blond hair. "Okay, now I'm listening."
Jeongguk tries to lay out all the information in his head in a potentially understandable way. He's never been one to be tailor his words, especially when translating emotions, but he doesn't want to fuck this up. "I really like Taehyung. Yeah, it maybe started in a fucked up way. Maybe even experimental. But I guess deep down it really wasn't. It still isn't."
Namjoon doesn't say anything but his face looks strangely at ease, like none of this is surprising to him. His hands are still neatly tucked into his pockets and he rocks from heel to toe as Jeongguk talks.
"But...Taehyung really likes you. It was hypocritical of me to say those things about your relationship when I was hurting him too," Jeongguk continues, thumbing at the sides of his cellphone. "I'm. I'm asking you to maybe talk to Taehyung. He thinks you hate him. He's really upset. I'm just asking. Please don't ignore him, okay?"
Namjoon's face doesn't change, but he does finally look away, down at his clean black loafers. "I accept your apology.
"You'll talk to Taehyung?" Jeongguk asks, naively.
"You know, this is really mature of you," Namjoon continues, ignoring him. "To put Taehyung's feelings before your own."
"When you broke things off with him, were you doing it for his sake?" Jeongguk asks with an air of hesitation, because Namjoon seems to be dodging his most important request.
"I don't know," Namjon says, shaking his head. "I don't think I broke things off with him because I really thought about what you said that night. I came to some conclusions, but I think they were more selfish than they were valiant."
"I know you don't like when someone - and I'm guessing, especially, someone like me - makes suggestions about your relationships...but, why isn't having Taehyung enough for you?" Jeongguk asks and Namjoon kind of laughs, his dimples prominent.
"You're really boyfriend-material, huh. Girls must love you. The open relationship isn't about Taehyung not being enough. It's just a principle. But," Namjoon waits a moment, pursing his lips. "I guess you're implying he's worth changing the principle."
Jeongguk feels a kind of black relief. The kind of relief that may ebb from someone crawling out of the rubble after an earthquake destroys their whole city. "He is."
"You really want me to talk to Taehyung?"
"Yeah," Jeongguk says.
"Even if you don't know what I'll say?"
"Yeah," Jeongguk practically whispers. "I trust you."
They stand outside for a few moments before Namjoon reaches into his messenger bag and pulls out a little wrap. "Do you want the other half of my sandwich? Hummus veggie. I couldn't finish it."
"Sure," Jeongguk reaches out, numbly.
"You know, I was wrong about you," Namjoon says, fastening the sides of his bag. "I think I was just threatened. Not because of Taehyung being so infatuated by you, just. You. In general."
Jeongguk doesn't understand how someone like Namjoon could ever feel threatened by someone like Jeongguk, someone he talked down to. He supposes it maybe had to do with trust. He wants to tell Namjoon that he was threatened too, because Namjoon is smart, and perceptive, and right about Jeongguk not being a book person. But he also wants to tell him that he wouldn't choose a club over a poetry-reading, even if the last poem he read was The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost back in grade 11.
"I was wrong about you, too," Jeongguk settles for this because it just hopefully implies all that other stuff.
"I gotta get back to work," Namjoon says, then reaches up to take off his glasses, rubbing at the lenses with the fabric of his shirt. "How did you get my number, by the way? From Tae?"
"No. I work with Yoongi," Jeongguk says.
"That guy is such a pretentious douchebag."
Jeongguk wants to laugh but he's already used up his vocal capabilities for the day.
Jeongguk stops by a used bookstore on the way home and buys some anthology of poems. He figures he should maybe look into this stuff if it makes people as cool and laidback as Namjoon seems.
When he gets back to the apartment, Taehyung is already home from work and sitting at the dinner table, eating a bowl of Fruit Loops at 3pm in the afternoon. There's a YouTube video playing on his phone.
He glances up at Jeongguk when he walks in and offers him a small but genuine smile. Jeongguk heart skips twelve beats and he grimaces back. He sees Taehyung's gaze fall slightly to the book crammed under Jeongguk's armpit before he glances back down at his phone.
"Home early?" Jeongguk asks, and his voice is barely above a whisper because of the whole talking so much about his feelings with a stranger thing that happened mere hours ago.
Taehyung nods while chewing, reaching up to rub at a trickle of milk at the corner of his lip. "I wasn't really feeling a hundred percent. One of those days," Taehyung says between chews, giving Jeongguk another smile and he really can't handle this anymore so he just nods and ducks down and into his room.
He shuts the door and throws the book on the bed, his mind swimming suddenly with dark thoughts.
What if Namjoon doesn't actually talk to Taehyung? What if he does talk to Taehyung, but says all sorts of horrible things instead?
Jeongguk panics quietly for a few minutes, taking his shirt off because it's suddenly really hot in his room.
He sits on the bed and runs a hand through his hair, grabbing the poetry book and flipping through to the table of contents to find The Road Not Taken.
He reads it and sort of just relates it to his entire life, then gets really emotional about it. He chooses another poem and ends up doing the same thing, until he's pretty sure every poem in his book has been written about his life. He talks himself out of this because he realizes a lot of them are super emotional and Jeongguk is particularly sensitive right now so he's grasping for loose straws. He eventually gets to a Shakespeare sonnet that makes no goddamn sense and the spell is finally broken.
He falls asleep without remembering to set his alarm and he wakes up naturally at 2am to a quiet, dark apartment. And now his sleep schedule is fucked.
When the morning finally peeks in through the blinds, Jeongguk has read through almost every poem in the book. He hears some dishes clinking from the kitchen and he wanders out, shirtless and bleary eyed.
Taehyung and Jimin are preparing their breakfasts and talking in a hushed sort of way about something. Taehyung looks positively green but Jimin seems to be in high-spirits. Jeongguk immediately connect the dots and assumes Namjoon probably texted Taehyung to talk. But did they already meet up? Or are they going to? Why does Taehyung look so nauseous?
"Hey," Jeongguk croaks and they both look up at him in unison. Taehyung's usually saturated lips look pale but he smiles anyway, in a queasy way.
"Good morning. Damn you look like a mess," Jimin laughs, pointing to the side of Jeongguk's hair that has apparently morphed into some sort of new organism.
"I had a weird sleep," Jeongguk nods, grabbing a glass of water from the table with an unknown owner and chugging it down. "You okay, Tae?"
Taehyung looks up at him again and nods, jittery. "Yeah! I didn't sleep too good either." He continues ramming things into his work bag and Jeongguk glances over at Jimin who gives Jeongguk a look which he can only assume means this definitely has to do with Namjoon.
When Taehyung leaves the apartment, they both stand in silence for at least a whole minute because they are absolutely used to him barging back in hysterics, having forgotten almost half of his things.
When Jimin finally does start talking, his voice is still low. "You talked to Namjoon, right?"
"Yeah," Jeongguk licks his lips nervously. "Why? Did they talk?"
Jimin shakes his head. "He texted Tae, but they haven't talked. He texted him to meet him later today, after work."
Jeongguk nods. "I hope this doesn't backfire."
Jimin shrugs. "You did your best, bud. I'm proud of you," he adds, reaching out to put a hand on Jeongguk shoulder.
Yes. Jeongguk's a real brave guy - the kind of brave guy who can't admit the most obvious things to himself because he's too scared and confused. He's so brave, he'd apparently rather lose Taehyung than admit it. And he's still like this even after reading an entire anthology of fucking poems.
Jeongguk runs into Jennie again after work, during his evening jog. This time it isn't weird, because Jeongguk has let go of those awkward emotions to cling to the current emotions.
They jog side by side for a bit, chatting. It's mostly small talk, and Jennie politely avoids talking about Taehyung and that whole can of worms even though he's pretty sure Jimin already told her all about it.
When they part ways he jogs past his apartment and takes another quick gander in the used bookstore. He decides on Pablo Neruda, since Netflix suggested his biopic the other night. (“My soul is an empty carousel at sunset." Jeongguk writes that down and then hates himself for morphing back into an emotional 13 year old.)
He's hoping he might be able to read a bit as soon as he gets home, maybe after his shower, but Taehyung is already home, sitting cross legged on the floor in his favourite spot in front of the coffee table, his sketchbook laid out on the table in that comforting way.
He looks up when Jeongguk steps in and his eyes are sort of puffy, like he's been crying. Jeongguk feels a slight drop in his belly.
Taehyung gets up. "Guk."
"I spoke to Namjoon," Taehyung continues, taking a step towards Jeongguk and he grips the book in his hand like it's a life-line.
"That's good. I hope, um. Everything is good between you guys," Jeongguk says, offering a small smile.
Taehyung's eyes are large and shining with emotion, his lips pressed together at a small point. "They are."
"So. Are you guys," Jeongguk says, feeling his chest burn in an ugly way, "back together?""
Taehyung looks confused for a moment. "We. No. We're not..."
"Okay," Jeongguk says inanely.
Taehyung blinks at him, his lips parted, like he's still waiting but slowly losing hope.
"I'm really sorry, again, about the things I said to Namjoon, about your relationship. It wasn't my place," Jeongguk continues when they both seem to be waiting for the other.
"It's okay. I understand," Taehyung gives him a small shrug. "But is that all you want to say?"
Jeongguk has gained some ounce of strength from Taehyung's warm aura, so different from the one back in his room when he was grieving. He's also read a ton of love poems, so he thinks he could give this a shot. "I just have this, uh, technique. When I deal with things I don't want to talk about. I just, like, try to flush them down - down a toilet or something. I flush and I flush but the shit keeps rising to the top, you know? The real fix would be the toilet. I have to fix the toilet, because I can't flush it anymore, I'm just going to be left with a bunch of shit."
There's a moment of silence and Jeongguk's brain starts to slowly piece together what he just said out loud.
"Jesus fucking Christ, Guk," Taehyung breathes, his eyes twinkling. "That's disgusting."
"Sorry," Jeongguk says, but he's not sorry, he's doing the best he fucking can.
"So...am I the shit?" Taehyung asks, tilting his head to the side, and it brings back a pang of the memory from the dinner-party, when he made a similar gesture towards Namjoon. It still manages to make Jeongguk's knees a little weak.
"And you're the toilet?"
"I guess so, yeah."
Taehyung giggles and steps closer to him. "You're the toilet-bowl."
"I can't flush you," Jeongguk says, reverently, and Taehyung's giggle turns into a full-on laugh, his head hanging back.
Jeongguk reckons this is probably the only chance he's going to get. He should have known Namjoon would have made this more complicated than he thought it would be.
He steps forward, slowly, hesitantly, reaching out a hand and touching the side of Taehyung's face. Taehyung leans his cheek into the touch, closing his eyes. It's all the push Jeongguk needs to build the courage and say:
"I mean...you know. Right?"
"Know what?" Taehyung asks, his eyes popping open.
Okay, he thinks. Okay, that didn't work.
Jeongguk inhales as much air as he can, like the excess wind might somehow make him stronger than he is now. He likes Taehyung so much that wanting to touch him stops feeling weird. He leans in, and presses a small kiss to the corner of Taehyung's mouth. It's just a guess.
"Oh, that. Yeah, I knew that," Taehyung says, in the most incredibly unromantic way.
"I just... want you. I think. No, I don't think," Jeongguk corrects, watching different emotions birth and die through Taehyung's eyes at lightning speed. "I know that I want you. I just need you to help me. You can coach me. Or wait, Jimin said that's a stupid thing to say."
"It is, but I like you so I can deal with it. God, why do I always like the wrong people," Taehyung says, and Jeongguk's shoulders slouch a little.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean. I mean I always fall for people who are...complicated." He smiles up at Jeongguk and reaches out to push a section of hair away from his eyes.
"I'm not wrong, though. Can we go with 'complicated' over 'wrong'?" Jeongguk suggests, feeling his flesh prickle under Taehyung's light touch.
"Sorry, you're right. You're not wrong. You're the nicest out of my bad choices," Taehyung corrects and Jeongguk groans pressing his forehead against Taehyung's as he laughs.
"Hey! You directly compared me to a pile of shit," Taehyung pinches his nose and Jeongguk smiles because there's really no defense for that one.
Jeongguk leans in and kisses him, firm, on the lips, because he'd rather do it this way than try to explain himself again.
"I really missed you, you know," Taehyung says, small.
"I missed you too."
Regardless of how stupid Jimin thought Jeongguk's whole 'training' or 'coaching' comments were, he really does feel like he's being taught the ropes in a lot of respects.
It's weird to think the image of another guy shaving in the morning, shirtless, would be something that could send a spark through his lower stomach. But when Taehyung looks up from the sink with a razor in one hand, half his face covered in white cream, his lips splitting the foam like a wound, Jeongguk definitely feels a jolt of adoration.
Taehyung is slow with him, careful, he kisses him lightly on the cheek, on the jaw, when he wants to make-out. He thumbs at Jeongguk's t-shirt and breathes into the side of his face and Jeongguk turns to jelly in his hands. Jeongguk figures Taehyung is being careful because he knows Jeongguk just threw himself in the deep-end. But Jeongguk has had one too many sexual dreams about Taehyung than he wants to admit, and the idea of making out with him is the complete opposite of nerve-wracking. Still, he appreciates how sweet Taehyung is being about this whole thing, and it makes his heart inflate even more.
Jimin groans when he walks in on them kissing around the house. "Guys. Guys it's not weird for you two, and I'm happy for that. But it's fucking weird for me. My two best friends, like, suddenly necking everywhere."
Jimin seems to be having a harder time with this than Jeongguk, considering he's now suddenly scared to enter rooms because God knows what could be taking place behind the doors.
Jimin is definitely exaggerating because they're usually pretty careful about this stuff. They generally only decide to fool around when they know Jimin is at work or at Jennie's. Like right now.
Jeongguk reckons their sessions are getting a little bit heavier, the kisses wetter, more desperate, the hands suddenly assertive. Jeongguk's new step forward today is sliding his fingers down the front of Taehyung's pants, palming at his dick for the first time because he's feeling confident, and Taehyung all but almost comes right there. He lets out some sort of half choked, emotional 'yes' like he just found out he won the lottery, and Jeongguk laughs into his neck.
"Touching. Mm," Taehyung mumbles into Jeongguk's cheek and Jeongguk grips his dick firmly now, and realizes, hey, he knows how this works. He doesn't need training wheels for this.
He pumps Taehyung's dick hard, fast, and Taehyung humps up into his grip all the while whimpering.
"S-slow down. You're. Too fast, s-slow down. Guk," Taehyung breathes, his register high.
Okay he got a little too excited there, a little too impressed with himself.
Taehyung eventually comes, his mouth on Jeongguk's, his ragged breath slipping out through his orgasm. Suddenly he's sitting up, shoving Jeongguk back, hard. Jeongguk's elbows give way and the back of his head sort of bounces off the carpet but Taehyung is too fired up to even notice.
Before he can recover from the blow to the back of his skull, Taehyung is giving Jeongguk another one of his mind-numbing patented blowjobs while his hands claw at Jeongguk's chest.
When they're both lying in the aftermath of their little living-room session, the furniture is in a sorry state. The carpet is skewed, the bowl of fake fruit on the coffee table is lying on the floor, with its rubber contents spread around the room. Even the couch is missing a cushion. Jeongguk realizes it's under his back, he just hadn't noticed Taehyung slipping it there for better access to his dick mid blowjob.
Taehyung is curled into him, kissing at his ear contently. His face is sleepy, warm, and Jeongguk turns over to face him on the ground.
"I think you gave me a concussion."
"You touched my dick," Taehyung says happily, kissing him on the lips.
"I sure did."
"You were good at it," Taehyung continues, trailing kisses down his neck.
"Don't get cocky."
"Well?" Jennie asks, when the four of them are sitting at Frills.
Jeongguk shifts in his chair and there's an incredibly loud and worrying creak.
"Well, they're fucking," Jimin says, glumly, looking into his cocktail.
"He called me a piece of shit earlier, it was super romantic," Taehyung says, squeezing Jeongguk's bicep. "I'm kidding. Oh my god, no, don't make that face, that face always makes me laugh."
Jeongguk's ears are burning at this point. He has always been uncomfortable talking about sexual scenarios involving himself with friends, especially out in public, and he feels Taehyung squeeze his knee soothingly under the table as he jokingly joins in and changes the subject to Jimin and Jennie's sex life.
He really appreciates Taehyung's ability to do stuff like that. The touch on his knee is kind of getting to him though, and he's revved every time he glances over to look at Taehyung's green, wide-neck blouse, at the little love bites on his chest, above his nipples, only visible if you peer inside the cavern of his shirt.
Namjoon joins them later, and Jeongguk shifts away in the chair so Taehyung's hand falls off his knee. He sees Taehyung give him the end of an upset look before turning to greet Namjoon.
It just feels weird to waltz into Namjoon's hub just a few weeks after they broke up with Taehyung's hands suddenly on his body. Namjoon doesn't seem bothered in the slightest, though, and he sits down with them, commenting on Jeongguk's earrings, asking him where he bought them. Maybe Namjoon being the pretentious, sexually open-minded hipster he is has its perks.
Jeongguk thinks he probably seems like a traditional ass-hat compared to Namjoon, considering if the roles were reversed Jeongguk would be burning up on the inside with resentment.
Jennie politely shakes her head, as always, when Namjoon buys them all drinks.
"So I guess Jimin has to have both," Namjoon decides, pushing them towards Jimin's small form.
He glances at Jennie and she grins, so he picks them both up. "Cheers," he says, drinking both, one after another.
With the exception of Jennie, they all get through quite a large amount of liquor, although Jeongguk and Namjoon seem to be less inebriated than Taehyung and Jimin. Jimin was always a light-weight, even in college, so Jeongguk is always aware of when to cut him off, always about five drinks before he has to cut himself off.
"Jimin, you're gonna embarrass yourself in front of Jennie," Jeongguk says, as Jimin demonstrates how flexible is he, using the rickety table as his footrest.
Jennie looks utterly confused. "Is it weird that I'm into this?"
"I'll show you more later," Jimin says, and he's trying to be seductive, but his eyes are sort of staring in different directions because of how drunk he is and it destroys the whole effect.
Jeongguk leans back and notices Namjoon leaning into Taehyung's ear to say something. Taehyung covers his mouth with back of his hand, grinning, then leans in and says something to Namjoon which has him pursing his lips in annoyance. He leans in again and Taehyung is shaking his head, leaning back, but his eyes are laughing.
Jeongguk isn't jealous per se, he's just curious. He wants to ask what they're talking about but Taehyung is now leaning back in his chair, staring contently at the table, like he's deep in thought. His lips look so pink and full right now, Jeongguk wants to grab him by the shirt and tug him into the communal bathroom,
They finally call it a night because Jimin is getting sloppy, going on dramatic monologues about how nurses don't get paid enough, how money just trickles away from them because of the hospital hierarchy (he pours his drink down the table for effect and Jennie has to shout and grab his glass), and about how he's certain most the head surgeons are psychopaths.
Taehyung is drunk too, but he's pleasantly drunk, clinging to Jeongguk. Jeongguk decides he doesn't care anymore when Taehyung leans in to kiss him on the neck and cheeks every so often, because he honestly can't wait to get home and take his shirt off so he can stick his mouth back onto him, where it belongs.
"See ya," Namjoon says as Jennie staggers off to a cab with Jimin's arm flung over her shoulder. She waves over her shoulder with admirable strength.
"Thanks for coming out, guys," Namjoon says, when Taehyung runs unsteadily to flag another cab. He reaches out and grabs Jeongguk's arm above the elbow, squeezing. "Take care."
Jeongguk smiles at the gesture and nods. "You too. Thanks. For...a lot of stuff."
Taehyung silently palms at Jeongguk's dick the entire cab ride back, and Jeongguk has an incredibly hard time trying to talk about the weird weather they've been having with the cab driver.
It's 2am, but they've already sobered up because Taehyung shows Jeongguk an hour long video playlist of dogs being rescued by people and it makes them both incredibly emotional.
Later, Jeongguk is lying on Taehyung's bed, watching him take off his jewelry and lovingly place the pieces on his counter. He watches Taehyung put on his headband and enter the washroom, listening to the water run as he washes his face, then continues to stare as he begins his nightly routine. Jeongguk is weirdly obsessed with these things.
Every so often Taehyung will catch sight of him in the mirror and laugh.
"You just look so funny staring at me like that through the mirror with your mouth hanging open. You look so serious."
Jeongguk closes his mouth and smiles. "I can't help my focusing face."
"So. Namjoon tonight," Taehyung says, shaking his head as he puts on his body lotion. He turns around as he rubs it into the tanned skin of his arms, and Jeongguk is barely paying attention to what he's saying now.
"He said some interesting things, Guk."
Jeongguk suddenly breaks his trance. "What did he say?"
Taehyung walks over to Jeongguk and sits down next to him on his bed, tearing off his headband. He reaches up combs through the front of Jeongguk's hair with his long fingers. "I don't think you want to know."
Jeongguk feels a pang of dread. Oh. "What did he say?" he asks, leaning away from Taehyung's touch.
"Alright, calm down," Taehyung frowns. "He just...you know. He likes you. He suggested that, um, eventually. If you were down. We could. Like, the three of us..." He laughs.
Jeongguk literally feels a synapse blow off in his brain. "He suggested we have a threesome?"
"Jesus Christ. You guys literally just broke up. I threatened to beat him up. Why would-"
"Guk! Guk, it's a joke!" Taehyung laughs, leaning in and kissing him on the cheek. "He's just like that, he's a laid-back guy, he doesn't take this stuff seriously. Lie down. Go back. Lie down, my little Guk. Let me blow you and make you feel good," he says in his creepy sing-song way that unfortunately always gets Jeongguk off. "No one will be fucking my Guk except me."
Jeongguk laughs. "God. Stop that."
Taehyung chokes out a chuckle and crawls over him, kissing him on the lips then sitting back and pressing down on his dick through his pajamas. Jeongguk hisses and Taehyung smiles. "Ooh. You like that, don't you?"
Taehyung is focusing on massaging Jeongguk's dick but Jeongguk can't stop thinking about this whole Namjoon thing.
"Would you want to do that? I mean, with Namjoon and me?"
Taehyung looks at him, his hands still moving at his crotch. "Me? Nope. I want you all to myself."
Jeongguk smiles. "M-me too." He's really hard now and Taehyung isn't letting up.
"Why? Were you curious to try?"
"No," Jeongguk shakes his head. "I wouldn't want to."
"I mean, it might be super hot. Theoretically speaking," Taehyung says, pouting. He sticks his hand down the front of Jeongguk's pants and deftly pulls out his dick, continuing to stroke. "You don't want to share me?"
"No," Jeongguk almost whines, not wanting to imagine Namjoon fucking any part of Taehyung.
"Okay, babe. I'm down with giving you blowjobs forever," he's smiling but Jeongguk hates that comment. He hates he so much he shifts back in the sheets and Taehyung falls back on his ass on the bed.
"Hey," Taehyung says, reaching and Jeongguk swats at his hand with his forearm. "Fuck, hey! Take it easy," Taehyung says again. "What's wrong?"
"You're not just. You're not just going to give me blowjobs forever. That's not what this is," Jeongguk shoves his dick in his underwear. "We talked about this, I want to, eventually. You know."
"My God, Guk. I'm so sorry, I was just joking. I didn't mean it that way at all. I'm sorry," Taehyung says shifting towards him and putting a hand on his shoulder. "Honestly. You're right, that was a shitty joke. I'm sorry, baby," his voice his high and scared.
"I want to have sex with you," Jeongguk says, looking at him, his voice low. "Like, real sex. I really, really do."
Taehyung shakes his head. "First of all, what we do is already real sex, okay? And no. I don't want you to say that because I made a stupid joke." Taehyung looks almost desperate now and Jeongguk feels like the scenario just turned around fast.
"Do you promise you're not upset?" Jeongguk asks, his eyebrows furrowed in worry. Is he being the high-maintenance boyfriend right now?
Taehyung shakes his head again, more vigorously. "No. No, I'm not upset at all. I'm not. I love-" he stops himself immediately and look ashamed, embarrassed.
He leans in and kisses Jeongguk on the mouth and Jeongguk returns the kiss, enamored. When they break apart for a moment he asks again. "You what?"
"I mean...you know, right?" Taehyung asks sweetly, pressing his nose into Jeongguk's.
"Yeah. Me too."
Jeongguk watches a ton of gay porn during the next week.
It's senseless, because Jeongguk isn't a virgin by any definition of the word, he has had sex more times than he can count, and all sorts of sex at that. He has spent entire days fucking someone, only taking breaks to eat and use the bathroom. It's just...Taehyung. There's so much that could potentially go wrong, so much that he never thought about with the others. He doesn't want to let Taehyung down, especially since he's clearly more experienced in this particular sector than Jeongguk. The competitive fire in Jeongguk urges him to do as much as he can to prepare for this, because Namjoon probably -
No, that's not going to help. It's going to make it so much worse thinking about that.
Jeongguk thrives at being good at the things he does, including fucking. He's not going to settle for 'okay', he wants to impress Taehyung so badly that he's watching gay porn on his phone at work on Friday afternoon, as Yoongi checks for exhaust leaks.
The whole viewing process has been very clinical, and he's mostly just watching to figure out if there's something he should know beforehand, some kind of rule. Or maybe a particularly mind-blowing position. Jeongguk never truly enjoyed watching porn. Sure, sometimes he would throw on a video or two to knock one out but it was rarely more than just a quick stimulation, he never got into any of the weird subsets suggested on the sides of the clips.
He also never used porn as a sort of reference. It was fairly simple to surmise that were he to have actually tried any of these sexual scenarios with his past girlfriends, he would have been punched in the dick.
Still, this is new territory, and Jeongguk hates being bad at things. So far, everything seems pretty straight forward.
That is, until the fisting. Yoongi asks Jeongguk a question but he doesn't hear him because someone is being fisted on his phone screen. He hopes Taehyung isn't into that.
"Are you watching porn at work?"
Jeongguk, takes the ear-buds out and realizes how loud the volume is. It's too late to lie. "I. Yeah."
"Jesus," Yoongi says and peers down at his screen. "Fisting? That's some pretty intense stuff for a new gay."
"I'm not a new gay," Jeongguk fires back and Yoongi smirks.
"Why are you watching this stuff?"
"It's a little personal," Jeongguk says, and Yoongi scoffs, throwing his rag onto their workbench.
"Personal. You're watching porn at work. And I personally find that creepy and offensive."
"I'm watching gay porn before I have sex with Taehyung because I'm nervous."
Yoongi looks like he wants to laugh. His jaw clenches so hard Jeongguk can see the muscles in his face. "What is there to be nervous about. It's an asshole."
"I know," Jeongguk lowers his voice. "I just stick it in."
"No, you definitely don't just stick it in."
"I know! I'm not talking about this with you," Jeongguk says, feeling his cheeks burn. "Sorry I brought creepy, offensive porn to our work-place. So, what's wrong with this car?"
Yoongi pauses for a moment like he wants to carry on the conversation about sex just because of how uncomfortable it makes Jeongguk, then looks down at the vehicle. "The whole exhaust system is shot. We have to replace it."
"Damn. What should I bring? Do we have glaskets here?"
"Yeah. We have glaskets and hangers, but we need penetrating oil. A lot of penetrating oil. You're gonna need quite a damn bit of that oil."
"Some of these bolts. They're very tight."
They eventually get working on the car, and Jeongguk didn't realize Yoongi could be so funny (of course, it's not really funny to Jeongguk, he mostly wants to die, so it's more that he's just surprised at his coworker's wit).
"The engine is in bad shape too. I feel like your car has a great engine."
Jeongguk laughs down into his can of soda. "You made it a point to tell me you liked my car."
Jeongguk thinks they should maybe stop comparing real-life people and their body-parts to cars, especially when it comes to Taehyung. He figures this can't be worse than pretty much telling Taehyung he was 'shit' floating in a toilet bowl, though.
"It's a nice looking car. Take care of it," Yoongi slides out from underneath. "We can save the rest of this for tomorrow. We have to order some parts."
Jeongguk nods and starts to shrug off his overalls. "What are you up to tonight?"
"Drinking. Sleeping," Yoongi says, back to his usual stoic demeanor.
"Thanks, by the way," Jeongguk folds the overalls in his arms. "For the advice you gave me about Namjoon. I never got to formally thank you about that. Didn't want to get too excited about where things were going with Taehyung and I. But...you helped."
Yoongi nods, wiping his hands on a rag. "Don't mention it."
Jeongguk smiles and grabs his bag from the ground. "See you Monday."
"Don't forget the oil."
Jimin is steaming a pair of pink scrubs when he gets home that evening.
"Hello to you too, asshole," Jimin says, peeking from around the scrubs. "Just because you're not fucking me doesn't mean you stop saying hi."
"Sorry! Sorry I just...are those pink scrubs?"
"Yes," Jimin says with a smile. "They finally want me to work with children."
Jeongguk extends a high-five and Jimin half-smacks-half-clutches his hand. "I fucking knew they would. Nurse extraordinaire. You worked so hard, you deserve it, man."
"Thanks," Jimin says, with twinkling eyes. He thrives on compliments, especially from Jeongguk who isn't always as generous with his words as Taehyung.
There's something sweetly humorous about his little friend standing there later, in the center of the living room, proudly wearing his pink scrubs with a cute stitched rabbit on the breast-pocket. Jimin, who has been working so hard for the last few years, finally getting what he deserves - it should have come sooner, all of Jimin's friends think - but it's still just as admirable.
"Any plans after work?" Jeongguk asks as Jimin straightens out his pants.
"Going over to Jennie's. She's planning a little celebration for me, if you know what I mean," Jimin straightens up so fast, Jeongguk is surprised he doesn't give himself whiplash.
Jeongguk grins then flutters his eyelashes erotically. "Oh... nurse. Yes, nurse, I want you, nurse."
Jimin smacks at his arm then grabs his bags. "Don't act like you and Tae aren't going to be necking the entire time I'm gone."
"Stop using that word, it's so unsexy."
"Unsexy, huh," Jimin says, smiling down into his chest as he ties the laces of his white hospital Reeboks. "Have you guys had...I mean, would you even. Actually, nevermind."
Jeongguk seems incredibly nonchalant on the outside for someone who is actually panicking about what the last few people have nudged at him about. He wishes sexual exploits weren't such a commonplace topic amongst friends. He thinks sadly of Taehyung and his cool circle of fashion-friends, probably sitting around designer bags, sipping mint julips, talking about how Jeongguk has been getting blowjobs by Taehyung this entire time because he's too nervous to do anything else. If Taehyung even sees it that way.
Jeongguk takes a very thorough shower when he gets home and even dedicates a small amount of time to do his hair. He throws on a white tshirt and the grey Calvin Klein sweatpants Taehyung told Jeongguk he loves. ("These drive me fucking wild.")
Maybe he should light candles? Is that too much?
Jeongguk is reading his book of poems on the couch when he hears keys jangling outside and he scrambled to get up.
Taehyung throws the door open with a loud groan and chucks his bag on the ground. He peels off his winter coat and falls onto the floor, emitting another groan.
This would be one of the few days Taehyung is low-energy. It just would be.
"What's wrong?" Jeongguk asks, crouching next to him, somewhat worried but mostly just with himself for psychologically hyping this night up in his head.
"Bad day at work," Teahyung mumbles into the floor, then rolls himself over onto his back with a great deal of effort and looks up at Jeongguk with his big, shining eyes. "Kiss me," he orders.
Jeongguk leans down immediately and kisses him, deeply, and when he pulls away Taehyung looks mildly surprised.
"Wow. Good kiss." And the comment goes straight to Jeongguk's ego.
"Here," he helps a gelatinous Taehyung off the floor and leads him to the room. "Why'd you have a bad day?"
Taehyung frowns under Jeongguk's touch. "The laptop's harddrive failed. I lost a bunch of work."
"Take it to a store? They can salvage the data," Jeongguk says, beginning to unbutton Taehyung's shirt and his roommate looks up at him, coyly.
"Are you horny?"
Jeongguk pauses. Over-eager isn't really a good look, is it? Ironically, he's not even horny right now - he's mostly just wanting to do this thing, this Big Fuck he's been planning for. Taehyung's shitty moods adds to the fire of wanting to make him feel good.
"No," he says casually and Taehyung frowns.
"I mean, yeah. Are you?"
Taehyung smiles. "I'm always horny for you you."
"I feel like I should have said that when you asked me," Jeongguk says, slipping Taehyung's expensive top off his shoulders and letting his hands feather down his warm sides.
Taehyung's laugh is breathy now, and he smiles in a way that betrays how badly he really wants this. "That's okay, I'm enjoying whatever this is."
Jeongguk leans down and kisses his neck. "You smell nice."
"You always tell me that," Taehyung tilts his head to the side to give Jeongguk better access. "I'm starting to think you're running out of compliments."
"I find you so damn hot."
"You used that one too."
"You drive me crazy."
"Told me that yesterday."
"I want to fuck you."
Taehyung pauses, and puts his hands against Jeongguk's face; he finally rips his mouth away from Taehyung's neck to look at him.
"Guk...if this is about that night, what I said-"
"It's not. I mean, sure, it made me think about this. But I actually want this. I want to do this with you. Seriously," he breathes, his hands gripping Taehyung's waist.
"Just to be clear, you are aware I identify as a male, right?"
"Taehyung, stop it," Jeongguk says, wishing Taehyung would just be serious once, especially at a time like this, when Jeongguk feels his nerves spike with every passing moment.
"I didn't mean that in a shitty way. If we're doing this, I need you to forget everyone else you've touched before this moment and focus on me," Taehyung says, hooking his finger's into the waistband of Jeongguk's sweatpants. "Oh. These pants. These are my favorite."
"I'm only thinking about you," Jeongguk says, pressing his thumbs into the side of Taehyung's ass.
"You're so sweet, look at you," Taehyung replies, soft, circling his arms around Jeongguk's neck and pulling him into a kiss.
Jeongguk licks into his mouth, and Taehyung presses his body flush against Jeongguk's in that languid way he does, and Jeongguk is suddenly completely fired up again. "Lie down for me."
Taehyung breaks away and stares into his eyes, slowly walking backwards towards the bed, wearing only a pair of form-fitting beige slacks with the belt unbuckled, his bangs pushed back out of his face - it's probably the most masculine Jeongguk has ever seen him look. It's also the sexiest he's ever looked, and Jeongguk decides he needs to stop wondering how Taehyung manages to breaks all the subconscious rules in his own head.
"Have you been planning for this?" Taehyung asks, in his low register, sitting on the edge of the with his legs spread, leaning back on his hands and Jeongguk walks up to him and puts his hands through Taehyung's hair, gripping and releasing his hair. His stomach almost hurts from how turned on he is.
Taehyung smiles and actually licks his lips as he reaches out for Jeongguk's crotch, then pauses with his bottom lip caught under his upper lip when Jeongguk shifts backwards, saying: "No."
Jeongguk inches forward again and leans down to kiss Taehyung on the lips, pushing him back onto the bed. He doesn't protest, but he seems confused, like he still doesn't know where Jeongguk is going with this and is shrinking under the idea of the unknown.
They kiss deeply for a few moments and Jeongguk slowly grinds against Taehyung. Taehyung reaches behind Jeongguk to help tug his t-shirt off and leans up to press his mouth against the center of his chest. "Baby," he breathes.
Jeongguk snakes his hands into Taehyung's pants again, feeling around the base of his dick, and the sensation of his skin sends shocks of arousal through Jeongguk's chest. He touches him there for a while, until Taehyung is groaning louder, then he slowly tugs the rest of his pants down.
Taehyung shifts under him and his eyes pop open. He bites his lip again, unsure, as Jeongguk stares down at his dick, fully, for the first time. The gay porn really didn't prepare him for what he feels, because the dicks on the screen did nothing for him, because this dick, attached to Taehyung, happens to be the best looking thing he's ever seen.
"Stop staring, babe, it's making me nervous," Taehyung finally murmurs, and takes his dick into his hand, stroking it once.
Jeongguk is speechless, yet again.
"Am I scaring you away?" Taehyung asks and Jeongguk shakes his head.
"No. Stop saying stuff like that."
He reaches down and wraps his hand around Taehyung's dick and Taehyung moves his own hand up to his mouth, pressing his knuckles against his lips.
Jeongguk leans down to kiss him again, his dick sticking straight out in his sweatpants, and he thinks this looks more funny than it does sexy, but Taehyung is reaching out and grabbing at Jeongguk's dick over the heather-gray fabric.
"I'm already about to come," Taehyung says, broken, as he tugs at Jeongguk's dick and simultaneously pushes his hips up against Jeongguk's touch.
Jeongguk immediately lets go and Taehyung looks like he just got punched in the face. "Why would-"
Jeongguk leans down over him, kissing him again, his hand going to the waistband of his pants and tugging them down. His dick bobs out and Taehyung makes a sound similar to a hiccup.
"I need you to tell me, okay? Tell me if I'm doing anything wrong. Tell me if I'm hurting you," Jeongguk breathes against the panting mouth under him and presses his dick against Taehyung's.
He groans and nods his head, his eyes screwed shut. "God that feels so good. Just keep..."
Jeongguk jerks their dicks together and feels his lower stomach tensing as he watches Taehyung's increasingly pink cheeks.
"Do you have lube?" Jeongguk whispers against Taehyung's ear and the humping immediately stops.
"Mm," Taehyung mumbles, shyly, peering at Jeongguk through his damp bangs. "Vanity. Top cupboard."
Jeongguk jumps to his feet, naked, and shuffles to the vanity. Taehyung laughs from the bed, holding his cheeks in his hands.
"This one?" Jeongguk asks, breathlessly, holding up a tube. "There are so many different fucking bottles."
"That's eye-cream, babe."
Jeongguk growls and shuffles around some more. "This?"
"I almost want to say no because you look really hot from this angle."
Jeongguk grabs Taehyung's wallet from the table and opens it to drag out a roll of condoms - Taehyung barks in surprise.
"You already know where I keep everything."
Jeongguk doesn't have time for a witty reply before getting back to the bed and crawling over Taehyung, one knee on either side of him. His dick is pretty much at a 45 degree from his stomach and he can't even pretend he hasn't been waiting all week to bury it inside Taehyung.
" 's Strawberry," Taehyung mumurs from his position, his hands still up against his face shyly.
"Strawberry," Jeongguk echo and bends down to kiss his lips, his finger flicking the cap open.
Jeongguk knows how to have anal sex, but he can't help the entire legion of butterflies in his stomach as he rubs the lube between his fingers, heating it up.
"Mm, nice. Brownie points," Taehyung giggles and Jeongguk smiles joyously. Points are good, he'll take all the points he can get.
They kiss against and Taehyung slips his fingers down, middle finger brushing over the slope of Taehyung's balls. Taehyung exhales shakily under him, his thighs tensing when Jeongguk's index finger presses down against his hole.
"Is this okay?" Jeongguk asks, and he wishes it didn't come out so unsure, but it does.
Taehyung is the sun, though, and he nods at him, pushing a hand through his wet hair. "It's better than okay."
Jeongguk's finger is maybe shaking a little bit when he slowly presses it around the tight, hot ring, but Taehyung gasps and nods at him when Jeongguk looks up at him. Taehyung's dick lies against his belly, hard, the tip wet and oozing like Jeongguk's own. Jeongguk thinks Taehyung looks more incredible than any of the guys on the sites he's watched. Then again, most the porn he's found involves two sun-kissed white guys with frosted tips fisting on beaches, so there's not much to compare this too.
Still, he's sure there's nothing more beautiful than Taehyung lying there under him, his hips slightly lifted off the bed, his eyebrows furrowed like he's in pain from wanting it so bad, his eyes wet.
"Please," Taehyung manages and Jeongguk realizes he's just been staring open-mouthed with his finger up Taehyung's ass. His lips close and he moves his finger, slowly pumping in and out, and Taehyung nods, grabbing Jeongguk's forearm with a hand to make him speed up the pace.
Jeongguk hooks his finger slightly and Taehyung gasps. "God. Yes."
Jeongguk spends a long amount of time fingering Taehyung's ass, up until Taehyung starts getting a little hysterical, grabbing Jeongguk's aching forearm with both hands, guiding three fingers into his ass at a violent pace. Jeongguk pulls away, suddenly, and Taehyung shouts.
"Shh, don't worry, lie back," Jeongguk coaxes and Taehyung sort of blubbers in reply, lying back against the sheets, a shaking hand gripping his leaking dick against his belly.
Jeongguk takes the bottle of lube again, squeezing a good amount and coating his dick with it as he stares down at Taehyung, breathing through his mouth, and Taehyung peers up at him - his expression of betrayal slowly fades into one of anticipation.
"You look so fucking hot like that, stroking your big dick," Taehyung says suddenly and, Jesus, Jeongguk was not prepared for him to start dirty-talking. He doesn't think he'd ever be able to prepare himself for that.
Jeongguk likes to dirty-talk, but he finds himself tongue-tied now as he leans down, rolling the condom on his dick, like time is passing in slow motion.
"Fuck me. I want you inside me, hurry," Taehyung says, his voice sweet and low, almost a rumble, pulling at Jeongguk's neck as he positions his cock at his hole. "It'll feel so good. I promise. I'll make you come."
"You...the things you're saying," Jeongguk mumbles as he starts to slowly push in. "I'm..."
He can't help his moan as he feels the heat of Taehyung's ass envelop the head of his dick. His voice is higher than Taehyung's, especially when they're in heat like this, and he can't help feel embarrassed at how he probably sounds moaning into Taehyung's neck, but Taeyung just reaches up and runs his hands up and down Jeongguk's back before settling his fingers on his waist, helping him push in deeper.
"More. You're so big, I want all of it," Taehyung says, against Jeongguk's hair, then licks the shell of his ear.
Of all the things Jeongguk prepared for, nothing could have braced him for how tantalizing Taehyung is being right now.
He's moving now, short fast snaps, even though he really wanted to drag this out. But he can't, and he's moaning against Taehyung's ear now, falling apart on top of him as Taehyung coaxes from underneath.
After a while, Jeongguk sobs, and Jesus, he's actually crying. He's crying while he's fucking Taehyung.
Taehyung grips the sides of Jeongguk's face, bringing their incoherent lips together. His tongue shoves against Jeongguk's, teeth knocking together messily, and when he pulls away he feels their spit on his chin.
"Here," Taehyung pants, breathless, suddenly pulling back. Jeongguk's dick slides out of Taehyung's ass with a wet sound, and Taehyung quickly turns over, getting on all fours. "Fuck me from behind."
Good. At least this way Taehyung can't see him cry.
Jeongguk is so light-headed can barely get himself up on his knees to obey, but he finally does and when he looks at Taehyung's glistening back, he's reminded of his dream. A second burst of energy rushes through his system and he grips Taehyung's waist.
He almost sees two assholes through his tears because of how blurry his vision is. He picks one and luckily it's the right one. Taehyung groans, arching his back.
"Just go for it, as hard as you can. Make it hurt."
Jeongguk starts at a slow pace, and steadily picks up speed, the sounds of their sex filling up the entire apartment. Jeongguk doesn't care. Worst case scenario: Jimin randomly comes home and walks in for his earphones again.
This experience is astronomically more intense than the cozy little fuck he had in mind. Still, he has to get all his shit together because he didn't watch a week of terrible porn for nothing. He hopes Taehyung can't hear him snort up whatever tears and fluid he has built up in his nose.
He starts fucking into him as hard and fast as he can, harder and faster than he's ever dared with anyone he's ever slept with, and Taehyung's shouts pretty much turn into small whimpers, his hands give way under him, he slides down to his forearms, his fingers still fisting weakly at the blankets. Score one.
He keeps going and Taehyung's elbows give way too until pretty much face first into the bed now, his sounds muffled. Score two.
"F-fuck," Jeongguk manages to hear from under him after a while and he slows down a little because he's thinking that might have been some sort of white flag.
"Was that hard enough, Tae?" he asks, and luckily the excess arrogance from being able to sexually perform for at least ten seconds without crying seems to go straight to Taehyung's dick because he somehow lifts himself back to his hands, spreading his knees.
"N-not bad," he moans and Jeongguk picks up speed again.
Taehyung makes a choked noise. "God."
"I love you," Taehyung's voice is small and desperate.
Jeongguk feels like crying again but decides to mask it with dirty-talk instead. "You feel so good. You're so perfect. I want to be inside you forever. You're such a fucking perfect. You..."
Or whatever that was.
Jeongguk sort of disassociates at this point and isn't able to remember much up to when Taehyung comes with a series potentially criminal high pitched whimpers, his hand working furiously at his dick under him. Jeongguk follows soon after, gasping as he empties into the condom in long, uneven drags. "Fuck. Fuck, Tae."
Taehyung pretty much falls flat on his stomach when Jeongguk slowly pulls out, unmoving. Jeongguk sits back, straddling the back of Taehyung's thighs, breathing hard. He eventually gets a little worried when Taehyung doesn't move, so he reaches out to put a hand on his shoulder.
"No? Tae, did I hurt you? Oh my God."
Taehyung makes a move to roll over and Jeongguk leaps off to the side. He's smiling when his face comes into view, his chest heaving with breaths. "I don't think I'm ever recovering from this," Taehyung finally manages before taking Jeongguk's hand and bringing it to his mouth to kiss, tenderly.
Jeongguk is pretty sure he blushes after that and he leans over and kisses him on the mouth, his hands reaching up to touch Taehyung's hair and neck, fingers trailing along his collarbones. "You are perfect."
Taehyung laughs. "You're repeating yourself again."
Jeongguk presses a kiss to Taehyung's right eye, feeling fluttering eyelashes against his lips. "Let's do this every day."
Jeongguk eventually rolls off and lies next to Taehyung, still reeling from his orgasm. They miraculously manage to score a three-pointer by getting the used condom into the garbage can on the other side of the room without leaving the bed. (Taehyung insists he doesn't care if Jeongguk's come gets all over his room in the process.)
"Well? Do you feel super gay?" Taehyung asks while Jeongguk's fingers stroke his hip bone adoringly.
Jeongguk laughs. "So gay."
"You did great. Ten out of ten!" he says cheerfully, smacking Jeongguk's stomach. "You too, little guy," he continues, patting at Jeongguk's dick and it's the most embarrassing moment of Jeongguk's entire life. "Wow, you're still kinda hard, huh."
Jeongguk smiles, proudly. "If I'm turned on enough, it can stay partially ready for a second service."
"Mm, my favourite kind of man," Taehyung giggles. "I get so damn sensitive right after coming. I wish I didn't."
Jeongguk never thought he'd be having casual dick-talk with a man he just had sex with.
"Thanks," Jeongguk says, turning over on his side to thumb at Taehyung's cheek. "Thanks for being understanding."
"I was about to say the same to you. You just fucked me in the ass on the hunch that you might like it," Taehyung says, and Jeongguk shakes his head.
"No. I knew I would like it. Let's stop calling this a hunch, okay? It's not an experiment, it's not a hunch, I'm not confused. This is real," Jeongguk says, staring into Taehyung's eyes, unwavering, until Taehyung looks away with a sheepish smile.
They manage to slip in a shower and quick snack before Jimin projected he'd be home from work, and Jeongguk finally works up the courage to show Taehyung the kind of porn he's been watching. Naturally, Taehyung can't stop laughing, and he takes Jeongguk's phone from him and leaps around the apartment, reading the names of the videos out loud all the while avoiding Jeongguk's reach.
"'My Brother's Hot Friend', Jesus Christ, Guk. 'Soldiers Enjoy Eachother', wow, oh my God. Oh fuck, 'Deep Erotic Fuck on the Beach'. Jeongguk, I fucking hate you, these are so embarrassing." Taehyung practically shrieks as he progresses through the video history.
Jeongguk eventually manages to take his phone back and presses Taeyung into the couch, throwing the device onto the carpet and pinning him. "You're a dick," he says. "Sometimes you make me want to teach you a lesson, but then you look at me in that annoying, cute way. Yeah, that one. And then I can't do it."
"Not gonna lie, this whole pinning thing and teaching me a lesson talk is turning me on again," Taehyung says before licking his lips and Jeongguk officially lets go of his wrists.
Jeongguk shifts off the couch and picks up his phone. "You're into that weird tying up stuff aren't you?"
"Weird? Damn. Well, there goes about eighty-percent of my sexual wishlist items," Taehyung says glumly from the couch, his arms still raised above his head where Jeongguk had pinned them. "You'd be so good at it too."
"Hey, I didn't say we couldn't...I don't know, try the fucked up shit you're into," Jeongguk mutters, scratching at the back of his neck.
"We can try it next time, when I fuck you," Taehyung says, sitting up casually and fixing his hair. "I'm kidding. Wow. You literally went paler than your mechanic friend from the car shop."
"N-no, I wasn't," Jeongguk croaks. "I'm sorry, I feel like I just assumed you would want me to fuck you. I didn't even ask what you prefer..."
Taehyung smiles. "You're adorable. I'm okay with both. I have the best orgasms when I bottom, though."
"I'd like to, uh, try. I think. I don't know if I'd like it, though. I tried a finger once, it was okay," Jeongguk says and he must sound really fucking stupid because Taehyung is giggling through the entire second half.
"Guk tried a finger. He tried a finger once and 'it was okay'," Taehyung says, reaching out both hands and pressing himself against Jeongguk.
"Don't make fun of me, I'm being serious," Jeongguk murmurs into Taehyung's ear then kisses it.
"Okay. I'll fuck you whenever you want," Taehyung says. "I'm not in a rush, though. You're great. It was impressive. I almost had to tap out."
Jeongguk smiles. "I can't imagine someone wanting to actually fuck me. I mean, in the ass."
"Really? I think you have the makings of a really popular bottom," Taehyung says, leaning back to stare at him, scrunching his nose. "Yeah. Definitely."
"Popular bottom," Jeongguk repeats. "What the hell does that even mean?"
"You have a sweet face. And you should hear yourself when you have sex. I wanna record that shit and send it to a radio station," Taehyung says sensibly, then lets out a series of breathy, high-pitched mewls, and Jeongguk lowers his forehead against Taehyung's shoulder in humiliation.
There's a sound at the door and this is one Jimin-interruption he can appreciate.
Jeongguk pretty much can't stop having sex with Taehyung after that. His libido spikes through the ozone layer, and even Taehyung has to sleepily turn him down a few times, mumbling lazily that he's insatiable and that he can jerk himself off onto Taehyung's naked thigh if that makes him feel better. It does.
After a few weeks, Jeongguk can write a book on how to make Taehyung come. He takes an enormous amount of pride in this feat, since it began as something he was nervous about. He's so pumped up he almost tells Jimin about it when he brings up that he's heard them having sex multiple times in one day, and that Jeongguk is now responsible for purchasing him a life-time supply of heavy duty ear plugs.
He never really imagined it would all come to this, but he's happy with it. He can't believe his fucking luck.
Taehyung has begun sharing Jeongguk with all his work friends, and he realizes quickly why Taehyung's group and Namjoon's groups might have inevitably come in contact. They're some of the most attractive, 'cool' people Jeongguk has ever met.
Aside from all the new friend circles and onslaught of invitations to places he didn't have before meeting Taehyung, the most important new development in Jeongguk's life is Taehyung himself.
Jeongguk can't stop thinking about him, no matter what he's doing. Almost all his responses to Taehyung's texts have to do with some variation of the heart emoji. He didn't realize he could turn into that fucking annoying, obsessive boyfriend so quickly into their relationship. Luckily, Taehyung seems incredibly happy with it, and generally responds with love and extravagance.
Jeongguk really feels his dependence on Taehyung when he's sent to another city with Yoongi for a technical trades convention, as an ambassador for his workplace. He's overwhelmed with all the work, with the itinerary of their trip, with all the people he has to talk to. It gnaws away at his nerves, and when he gets back to his hotel room he drops down on his bed and calls Taehyung immediately. It's 1:20am.
"Hey, baby. Miss you," Taehyung's voice comes.
Jeongguk immediately feels like he wants to cry when he hears Taehyung's soothing voice. He sounds gravely and tired over the phone, but his inflection showcases the warmth Jeongguk is so used to.
"Miss you too," Jeongguk replies simply.
"How was work?"
"I miss you so much," Jeongguk just says again because he doesn't want to talk about work. He tries to mask that he's close to tears.
"Aw, angel. I miss you too, we've really established that," Taehyung laughs and Jeongguk smiles down into the receiver. "When are you coming home to me, hm?"
"I want to leave right now, but I have to stay til Monday. I'm never going on one of these things again. I don't care about the promotion anymore," Jeongguk mumbles, and hears Taehyung cooing at him as his register rises in anger.
"It's okay, shh. Just think about me, 'kay?"
"I'm literally always thinking about you, Tae."
"Even when you're taking a shit?"
"Especially when I'm taking a shit."
Jeongguk smiles. "Do you think about me?"
"Yup. I've been jerking off non-stop," Taehyung says, matter-of-factly.
"That's good news. Do you...think about me when you do it?" Jeongguk asks timidly, and it's probably the unsexiest way he could have worded that.
"Yeah. I think about you sucking me off as you finger me."
Jeongguk sighs and unzips his pants.
Jeongguk wasn't certain about their leaky apartment, he wasn't certain about moving in with Jimin and a stranger he never met before. He wasn't even certain about how he felt about that stranger until he almost lost him. But he has slowly come to terms with the idea that all the things he's done that he hasn't been sure about have had the most positive results for him.
He finds himself thankful for a lot of weird things, like Namjoon. He's thankful for Namjoon. Maybe not for the details of his relationship with Taehyung, but for being necessary to Jeongguk's own confession to himself.
One evening before Taehyung gets home, when he's feeling especially emotional and introspective, he prints out a stanza of one of his favourite poems in the Neruda book.
He casually reads it out loud, like it's some cool article he found on the internet rather than a poem he stared at with tears in his eyes at 3am, Taehyung sleeping soundly next to him.
Taehyung listens to Jeongguk read it and leans back against the couch, swishing his wine around in his glass.
“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way."
"Guk," Taehyung croaks, shakily placing his glass down on the table and touching at his eyes in fear.
"I dunno. I thought it was...a nice poem," Jeongguk continues, pathetically, folding the paper in half. "Thought you might like it."
"Come here," Taehyung says, reaching out, and Jeongguk crawls over to him, pressing his face into his neck.
He doesn't want this to end, ever. He wants to melt into Taehyung's skin and live there.
"I love that you're so into poetry recently," Taehyung coos, patting at Jeongguk's hair. "And I love that you love me straightforwardly, without complexities or pride."
Jeongguk grumbles and squeezes Taehyung's sides. "I didn't realize I had a huge crush on you until it punched me in the face," Jeongguk says back, his face still buried in Taehyung's shoulder. He's suddenly curious: "By the way..."
"That day you talked to Namjoon. After the fight. You said he gave you advice."
Taehyung hums. "He said it's better being lost for a while in a new, unfamiliar place than it is going somewhere you're sure you don't like."
"That guy has a fucking way with words, huh," Jeongguk mumbles.
Taehyung shrugs. "I don't know. I prefer your toilet bowl metaphor."