Snippets of raising Harry.
Severus: Did you have a good day at school?
Harry: That's not how school works.
Severus didn't bother to say anything as he agreed.
Harry walked up behind Severus."What game are you playing?"
"Correcting the dunderheads' assignments."
"Are you winning?"
"You know you should tell him he can change the world." Minerva offered as advice.
"I will be happy if I can make it through the day without saying stop licking the stirrers. He loves the taste of the Pep-Up Potion."
Harry: Can I have some of your candy?
"It's may. I got this for Father's Day."
"You're only a father because of me." Severus handed him a piece of chocolate. He hated it when he was out Slytherin by his 4-year-old son.
"Dad, what do you want for Father's Day?" A bouncing Harry asked.
"Funny, Dad, but really, what do you want. Something real."
Severus just looked blankly at him. "Seriously, sleep. You let me sleep until 9. It will be the best present."
Harry huffed as he walked away. Severus wasn't sure if that was an agreement or not.
"Sure, have a kid, he will be no problem."
Minerva hearing Severus talking to himself responded. "Harry is a very sweet boy."
"My 3-year-old son just threw a temper tantrum because his tongue is pink. He hates pink."
Severus signed his name to the last of the reports. He was sitting in the staff room. He had a cup of tea and pulled out his potion research.
"Where is Harry?" Filius asked.
"Playing hide-and-seek with me. I am getting things done while he thinks he has the perfect hiding spot. It's a win-win."
"Severus, he could get lost or hurt." Minerva was shocked.
"Relax, he is under Albus' desk with Fawkes. They are cleaning the Sorting Hat."
Minerva ran out of the room.
"I see she realized that clean means that Hat and Fawkes are teaching the boy how to hide Albus' lemon drops?"
"Severus, why does Harry have a wand?"
No one realized how fast or agile Severus was until they saw him react to two-year-old Harry holding a wand.
"No." Severus told Harry about having another helping of ice cream for dessert.
Everyone watched as five-year-old Harry walked down to Albus, smiled, whispered: "Grandpa, want to pretend to be the boss of Hogwarts for a few minutes?"
"Severus, say something." Minerva was listening to the students give Harry lessons on being a Hogwarts student.
"I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say can and will be used against me by Harry in a busy public setting. This is a public setting." Harry was at the stage that he would blurt out the most embarrassing things. He figured it would end when Harry became a teenager and he could return the favors.
Severus wanted to slam his head into the wall. Harry was back to running around the tables in the Great Hall because he couldn't focus. "He just spent ten minutes removing the seeds from his rye bread but he can't focus."
"Dad, can I have some of the yellow stuff on my sandwich?"
"Are you going to sit down and eat it?"
Severus put the mustard on the roast beef. He watched Harry take two bites, pull the bread off of the sandwich and with a napkin wipe some of the mustard off of the bread. "You added too much." Harry took a few more bites.
Harry: THAT'S IT. I'M MOVING OUT!
Severus: Fine. (sigh) Oh no. Please. Don't Go. Anything but that.
Severus pulled down Harry's drawings. He still wasn't sure what to do with them. He had a small trunk stuffed filled with them. He had a very unrealistic fear that one day Harry would ask him where his other drawings were.
"Parenthood." Severus was cursing under his breath as he escorted his son into the Great Hall. They were later than normal.
"Severus, is there a problem?"
"Problem? No, parenthood is just full of wonderful surprises. I get up, make Harry's favorite breakfast. Vanilla yogurt, mixed with berries. Pumpkin juice, honey in his porridge, and strawberry jam on his toast. He hates yogurt, berries, pumpkin juice, honey, and strawberries."
"I did eat the apple." Harry pulls out a half-eaten apple out of his robe pocket.
"Harry, I have told you not to put food in your pockets. Give me that. Eat a banana." Severus sits down. "Coffee, by the vat, elf."
"Harry appears to be in serious thought." Poppy commented.
Severus looked over at his 2-year-old son. The boy was doing some hard thinking, his eyes were focused. "He's pooping."
Severus: Time for bed.
Harry: I'm not tired.
Severus: Brush your teeth first.
Harry: I'm too tired.
Severus picks Harry up and carries him into the bathroom.
Harry: I'm too old to be carried.
Severus: Brush your teeth.
Severus watches and makes sure Harry's teeth are cleaned.
Harry: Carry me.
Arms up in the air. Severus picks him up and carries him to bed.
Severus looks at the pattern of debris on the kitchen floor, the table, the counters. "Harry, when I said you could have some biscuits, I didn't think you were going to have an open warfare battle with the package."
Severus knew he lost the battle but he would win the war as Harry wasn't going to get himself any more biscuits in the near future. He waved his wand, cleaned up the mess, removed that brand of biscuits from his shopping list.
Harry was sitting in the chair, crying. Severus was stirring a potion in his cauldron. "Severus, just let him stir."
"Minerva, he needs to learn to share."
"Give him the stirrer. He's three, you're 25."
"I can't believe the amount of exercise I have been getting going from the Gryffindor Tower to the Great Hall. I have to make several trips a day."
Severus arched his brows. "I took Harry up to the owlery. I believe I have you beat."
No one didn't disagree.
"Yes, Harry is giving me the silent treatment. I count it has a win." Severus looked up from his research.
Severus was carrying a four-year-old Harry back to their quarters after Harry's birthday party. "We will kill Grandpa later."
"Daddy, you are sparky."
"Yes, I am aware." Severus wanted to kill the old fool. Giving glitter to a group of four-year-olds. "I'm going to send him a bill for new robes." He was going to have to burn their clothes before they got near any other type of fabric. He was going to have to make sure the elves gathered every bit of glitter they could find and dump it all in Albus' rooms with a permanent sticking charm. No, he would like that.
"Daddy, can we give too little kitties in the tower?"
Severus smirked. Yes, the Gryffindors, he would be able to deduct points too. His son was a genius.
"Severus, you have food on your robes."
"I am aware or have you forgotten about Harry?"
"It just seems like a lot of food."
"Draco was over."
"Dad, can you help me with this project?"
"When is it due?"
Severus wanted to slam his head into his desk. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
Albus looked around Severus' quarters. "Where is Harry?"
"He locked himself in his room. I count it has a win."
Severus arrived late to breakfast. "Where have you been?"
"Getting Harry off to school."
"He is only down the road, in Hogsmeade."
"Yes, but he lost his toothbrush, his shoes, his books, his cloak, his satchel, his jersey for later, his hat. I lost my sanity if you see it, can you return it?"
Harry looked up from his play mat. "Daddy, outside?"
Severus didn't even look up from his potion journal."No, it's too dark outside. Why don't you go and get your new blocks."
Harry waddled over to his small toybox in the staff room. "It's only 2." Minerva and Poppy commented.
"If you wish to take him outside, please do. You will need to put him into his snowsuit but make sure you ask if it's the right color first. This is after getting his diaper changed, put into warm clothes, find his mittens, again, his hat. You can escort him outside for the grand total of staying outside for five minutes because it's too cold out. Bring him inside, undress him, and redress him in warm clothes for inside the castle, after all the others will be wet from sweat from the warming charms on the suit. You will have to give him hot chocolate. After that, you can chase him around because he is on a sugar high from the hot chocolate."
"All you had to say was it is too cold outside." Minerva summoned some tea.
Severus read the school registration survey. He flipped it over and continued reading. He wasn't sure what the exact purpose of it was but he started filling it out.
First question: Is your child shy, outgoing, stubborn, independent, unsure, excitable.
Severus circled them all and started to write in annoying, long-winded, dependent, loud.
"What are you doing? I thought you said you were registering Harry school."
"I am. They gave me this survey." Severus showed Minerva the survey.
Minerva read his answers. "Honestly, Severus, you make Harry sound like an angelic demon."
"You mean he's not?"
"Clean up your mess." Severus demanded from his desk. He waited a few minutes. Looked up and Draco, Harry, and Neville had disappeared. He grinned, worked every time, he had peace for at least thirty minutes.
Severus plopped down into his favorite chair in the staff room. His quarter's door was opened so that if Harry needed him he could hear but he was still upset.
"What is the matter?" Albus asked.
"Harry learned how to read." Severus snapped. "I wasn't expecting it at 5."
"That is wonderful. You must be so proud."
"No, it's awful, he knows when I skipped the pages in his books."
"Minerva, Harry has a magic trick he wants to show you."
"Wonderful, let me see it, sweetie." Minerva never noticed Severus slipping away.
Three hours later, Severus peeked into the staff room. "Auntie Minerva, did you see?"
"Yes, I did. Perhaps you can show Auntie Poppy."
Severus returned to his potion work.
8-Year-old Harry: Why?
Harry: Awwww but why?
Harry: No reason to shout.
(30 min. later)
Severus: GET OUT OF THE SHOWER
"Severus, you shouldn't lie to Harry." Albus rebuked him.
"I do it all the time. Every time I tell him that this is the last time I tell him something."
"I thought it was and I mean it?" Filius commented.
"No, that is the biggest lie I tell myself."
"Harry, you can't just eat pizza and chicken nuggets. You have to try other foods." He was going to kill Albus for introducing Harry to McDonalds and Pizza Plaza.
4-year old Harry looked confused. "Why? I've already had the best."
Severus was walking 5-year-old Harry to his school in Hogsmeade.
Harry: Don't bear ass me today."
Severus: Excuse me?!
Harry: Don't bear ass me.
Severus: Oh, don't EMBARRASS you.
Harry: You're doing it, again.
Severus grinned, it was payback.
"Dad, Dad, may we go swimming?" Harry and Draco ran into the living room.
"It looks like the weather might clear up later, maybe around 2 we can go then."
5 min later:
"Is it 2 yet?"
Severus looked down at his shopping list:
1-Free cookie from bakery
2-Repair broken jar pushed off of shelf
3-Give another snack to calm toddler who doesn't understand that food in the store needs to be bought first
4-Stop said toddler from stripping down to his nappy
Severus resisted the urge to dash forward and ignored his life flashing before his eyes as he watched Harry pour himself a glass of milk from the liter jug that Albus left in his reach.
Severus: Stop playing with your food.
Harry: If you didn't want me to play with my food, why did you get me dinosaur chicken nuggets?
Severus returned to his own food. The kid was definitely his.
"Just be patient." Severus snapped at Harry. He tossed the towel onto the counter. He realized he was now the cliche of do as I say, not as I do.
"I can't! It doesn't work! HELP ME! ***sobs*** PLEEEAAAASSSEEE! It's broken. IT'S BROKEN!!!! (runs from the kitchen to Severus' arms.)
"Harry, I will gladly open the biscuit tin." Severus picked up the three-year-old.
"Please, Poppy? I am begging you."
"Severus, I can't. I have a few patients."
Severus glanced at Minerva. "Please?"
"I have an early class tomorrow."
"Yes, I can take him." Filius inhaled and looked at a sleepy Harry.
"What do you have to do that you need someone to watch Harry for in the morning?" Albus asked.
"I plan on taking a shower, using the loo and brushing my teeth all alone." Severus had a smile on his face.
Six-year-old Harry: I really don't want to talk to them today.
Severus nodded his understanding as he felt the same way.
"Severus, is Harry eating glue?"
"Could be." Severus didn't look up.
5 min later:
"Severus, is Harry dying the water blue?"
"Could be." Severus didn't glance up.
5 min later:
"Severus, I think Harry is going to start to mix dye pellets."
"Just make sure he aims for the students." Severus answered.
"Woman, I am working on keeping my sanity, he is working on a prank. We will survive."
"Severus, why don't you go and enjoy your happy place." Albus told Severus as he and Minerva arrived to take care of a five-year-old Harry.
Severus headed to his bedroom, he landed on his bed. "I have missed you."
Severus arrived back in his quarters. He glanced at the time. "I am early. I wonder if I can get to finish that article I was reading. Harry, do you-" Severus looked around the room. He groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. He now realized why he was home early. He forgot to pick up Harry from school.
Harry was hanging onto Severus robes while riding Severus' right hip. Severus had a nappy sticking out of his robe pocket. Severus was holding an open container of wipes, in his right hand. He had a bottle in his left hand, he had just removed it from his other pocket, after banishing the used wipes. "How many children do you have?"
Severus turned and faced a woman surrounded by three. "Just the one."
The nurse guided him away from the waiting area. Severus heard, "if he is like that with one, I bet he could handle a room full."
Severus didn't want to admit that he had forgotten the baby bag filled with nappies and stuff and had to summon stuff to him. What they didn't know wouldn't hurt them.
"Severus, why is Harry down with Pomona begging her for a tree?" Minerva was sitting at the Head Table and had noticed Harry and Pomona in a quiet conversation where Harry was begging for something judging by his face.
"I had to inform him that we cannot grow bananas in our garden because we live in England. After I explained about climate, he asked why it mattered, we are magical. I told him if he talked Pomona into it, I would get him a banana tree."
"Out Slytherin by your son again?" Poppy smirked.
Severus glared but refrained from commenting.
Minerva looked down at a crying Harry, who was lying face down on the carpet. "What happened?"
"I went to the restroom by myself." Severus held up the teapot.
"Please." Minerva sat down. "How long?"
"He will be asleep in about five minutes."
Severus and Harry were having a staring contest. "What is going on?"
"He wants me to cut his piece of toast into a circle, pentagon, and a hexagon. I explained it can't be done."
Minerva laid down three pieces of toast, took a knife and cut the toast. Laid them on Harry's plate. "See, it can be done, Dad."
"So I see." Severus turned his glare on Minerva.
"Severus, why is Harry using your death glare at the boxes of potion kits?" Filius laid down his cup of tea.
"He keeps losing the coin toss over which kit to do first." Severus didn't even look up from his grading. He had to get it done before his next class so he would have time after classes to spend with Harry who he promised to make a potion with.
"I see. Does he require help?"
"Merlin, no, I charmed that coin that way for a reason. I need the time to finish my work."
"Severus, why is Harry calling you a meanie?"
"I passed him in the hallway. I didn't realize we were having a race."
"Severus, the school sent a message about Harry not being dressed in the correct uniform."
"I'm aware. I made him put on trousers to leave our quarters but he refused blue ones, he wasn't a puff. I was quite proud of him as he picked a white shirt, green vest, and black trousers."
"What are you going to do tomorrow when he won't wear the uniform?"
Severus gave Minerva a puzzled looked. "He looked fine and I'm not going to force him to change. Everyone one of you tells me that often enough."
None of the staff opened their mouths. Severus had a point.
They watched Harry storm into the main hall. Severus was behind him, holding Harry's satchel. "What is wrong? Bad day at school?"
"No, bad day as we walked home." Severus sighed. "His shadow was following him and I did nothing about it."
"Grandpa fix it." Harry ran up to Dumbledore as they entered the staff room.
"What is wrong?"
"You can fix it?" Harry wiggled a bit.
"I might be able to if I knew what the problem was." Dumbledore looked at a tired Severus.
"It's nighttime and I can't make the sunshine come back." Severus explained. "Have fun." He sat down on the worn-out couch and closed his eyes.
"Severus, I just saw Harry carrying around a bin." Minerva glanced out the door.
"Yes, he is playing Filch's assistant while Mrs. Norris is having her newest batch of kittens. So be ready for Harry begging you to take one."
"We have to get Mrs. Norris fixed. I don't need any more cats in the Greenhouse."
"I think the rodent population is at an all-time low." Minerva would be speaking to Dumbledore about it.
"Daddy, The leaves are the wrong color." Harry was looking at the Forbidden Forest.
"Yes, no Slytherin green or Ravenclaw blue. There are Gryffindor red, Hufflepuff yellow. Does the forest not like them?"
Severus sat down on a rock and began to explain how plants and trees changed colors.
(Older Harry now)
"Dad, I'm coming out." Harry yelled from inside his room.
"Oh, Harry, I always knew you were gay, I'm so proud you are admitting it. Just don't rush out and get a boyfriend or do anything with him that you know I won't like."
"Dad, I'm not gay. I was coming out to show you my new robes for the ball. I'm going-"
Severus looked at Minerva, winked. "I love you no matter what. You will have my support." The door opened.
"Dad, I'M NOT GAY. Nevermind, I am going to ask Draco's opinion. He is gay, not me." No one spoke as Harry left.
"Payback." Severus and Minerva laughed.
"Hey, Dad, what's up?"
"Funny dad, I meant what are you doing?"
"Looking to hook up with a hot witch."
"I want to move out."
"I'll help you pack.
Severus picked up the ringing phone. He hated this device but it was summer and they were living at Spinner's End. "Hello?"
"Dad, will you come and get me?"
"Dad, please, it's raining."
"I'm going to tell Aunt Minerva."
"On my way. Next time, no trips to muggle London without checking the weather."
"Do you have your jacket?"
"Money for floo powder?"
"You better not be late."
"Severus, let him leave. You have embarrassed him enough."
"Sure, take all my fun."
Harry looked at his friends. "He thinks it's payback for when I was a baby."
"Oh, you will always be my baby."
Harry groaned as his friends laughed.
"Did you wash the dishes?" Severus glanced up at his son who was sitting across the room. "Did you finish your assignments?" Again, nothing. "We have to go to Grandpa Albus' house for Yule." Nothing. "I decided to allow you to go to Paris for the weekend."
"You are? Thank you." Finally, movement.
"No, you're not, I wanted to see if you were actually listening to me."
"That was cruel."
"Answer next time."
"Why are you so obsessed with me?"
"How did your practice go?"
"Terrible, I want to curse everyone."
"Just don't get any blood on your clothes it will give you away and make sure you clean your wand"
"You're my father, you shouldn't be condoning me wanting to curse everyone."
"I just want to pass on my knowledge."
Patronus appeared in front of Severus. "Dad, where are you?"
"Halfway back to Hogwarts. I just left London, I was at the Barnes and Nobles." Sent a return Patronus.
"You brought me to Barnes with you."
"Be there to get you, meet me out in the alley."
Sign on Harry's door:
Want to know the cure for the potion you took?
1-Make our bed
2-Pick up your room
3-Feed your cat
"Severus, why are you standing in the hall?" Minerva looked around for Harry.
"Harry just ward me out of our quarters." Severus leaned against the cool dungeon wall.
"Do you need me to get Albus?"
"Yes, if you can. I know he was in a meeting."
"He should be about done. Keep trying to get in."
"I will but I doubt that will work."
"He's mad at me for washing Mr. Bear." Severus held up Harry's ratty-looking bear.
"Dad, can you help me with this assignment." Harry was at the kitchen table.
"I was about to tell you how lucky I am to have a dad like you but you put lettuce on my sandwich." He started pulling the lettuce out.
"You don't need help on your assignment?"
"Dad, oh, my wonderful father. I'm extremely lucky to have you as my father."
"You oversold it."
"You will still help?"
"Dad, I'm not going out. I want a hamburger for dinner with some lemonade and fries." Silence, like crickets, could be heard. "Hello? Dad?"
"I heard you. I'm trying to decide which potions to add to your request. Slow acting or fast?"
"You will be the one who has to clean anything up and take care of me, do you really want that?"
"You want frozen lemonade or the powdered stuff?"
"Dad? What's for dinner?" Nothing. Severus didn't even glance up. "NOOOOOOO, not again." Harry gave him a pout.
"Poison Peacock Feathers."
"Not again, can't we do that when we have to have the Weasleys over. Ron won't notice the difference."
Draco looked at them. "You two are so weird."
"Love you! See you soon."
"You're going to take a nap instead of making me something to eat. You forbade me from cooking remember."
"I'm making up for all those years of not sleeping."
"I'll tell Aunt Minnie."
"Get a house-elf to make you something."
"Fine, I know when I'm unloved."
"Yes, you are totally unloved, unwanted, you ungrateful brat."
"Love you too, Dad!"
"Draco, Neville, and I want to go to the movies. Neville's Gram will take us."
"We want to go to dinner too."
"Dad, the birds are flying into the room."
"See you tomorrow."
"Fine......Wait what birds?"
"When is your lesson finished tonight?"
"7, Uncle Lucius wants to make sure Draco, Neville, and I can make it through the summer ball without embarrassing him."
Severus didn't comment as it wasn't his son who embarrassed Lucius last year. "Dinner out?"
"If you can come early and get me away from Aunt Cissy and Draco dragging me into wearing some dress gowns. She mentioned some weird color."
Severus knew his son would only wear black. "What do I get out of it?"
"I will let you sleep late on Saturday."
"You what? A hobby?" Severus looked at Albus and Minerva like they grew a second head.
"Yes, I think it will do you good." Minerva nudged Albus who gave his agreement.
"I had a hobby, I used to read my Potion Monthly magazine."
"Why don't you do it now?" Albus gave him a smile, his eyes twinkling.
"I had a kid. It's a hobby involves being exhausted and having things thrown at me. It's called parenting."
"Why is Uranus funny?"
"Where did you hear that?"
"Ron. He kept laughing at as Neville was naming the planets."
Severus sighed. He wondered if Molly Weasley would miss one of her children.
"Severus, why does Harry have a Do Not Enter sign with a huge x over Dad?" Filius glanced at the closed door.
"I told him to clean his room. I am now banned from entering."
"Dad! Wake up!"
"The Tooth Fairy slacked off, again."
"The Tooth Fairy didn't show up." Holds up his tooth.
"I'm sure the Tooth Fairy didn't forget. He or she might have been overtired and had to finish a few other assignments. Go and get a Sickle from my robe. I will make your favorite breakfast."
"Will the Tooth Fairy visit tonight?"
"Yes, yes. Let me sleep for thirty more minutes. Do not try and make yourself breakfast. Better yet, come here." Severus pulled Harry into the bed with him. "Sleep."
"Is he done yet?" Minerva asked.
"No, he is eating his baked beans one at a time." Severus glanced around the empty Great Hall. He had class in an hour and at the rate that Harry was going he was going to still be eating his beans at lunch.
"Why is he eating them one at a time?" Filius asked
"He thinks if he eats them one at a time, I will give up on making him eating them."
"Does it work?"
"Severus, why do all my Gryffindors have detentions?"
"He can't even make a complete sentence."
"His word of the day is detention. He has been saying it all day."
"Detention!" Harry yelled out, two students groaned.
"No, no, no. It's wrong." Harry put a big x through the drawing.
"What? It's yellow."
"No, you got it wrong."
"Harry, the sun is yellow."
"You made it the wrong yellow."
"So you think these things will save me time?"
"It's what the book said." Minerva handed him. "Hacks for Parents"
"Let's see, add a lint roller to my craft room? I don't have a craft room and Albus is the one who needs it with all his glitter. Next, give your kid their own cups to keep them from using new ones. What is a fridge? Why would a magnet on a cup keep them from using a new one? Harry would want all the cups to have them. Next, ok, this might work. I like the idea of a sticker on the insides of his shoes. That would save me time. Oh, I need this wd-40 stuff to get rid of crayon marks. I need to make a list."
"See I said it would be helpful." Minerva couldn't resist.
"I need to go shopping and you are coming with me. What is fabric paint? Add it to the list."
Minerva left Severus with the book.
Severus looked at the article in the Parenting Magazine. He glanced around, wrote a letter to Harry who was in his Charms class. Gave it to a house-elf to deliver. "Yes, Dad, we spent enough time together. I'm sure a mind healer might even say too much."
Severus sighed. "He can't find his shoes but he can find the smallest piece of onion in his food."
Severus sighed. He wasn't sure why he was sitting with all the mothers waiting for their kids but he was.
"I don't know what to do. He has the weirdest habits. He won't flush the toilet."
Severus was thankful Harry did flush. Harry, however, did have his own quirks.
"My oldest daughter farts, all the time. She loves to fart. She will even encourage her younger brother to go to the loo by farting." Severus looked up and wondered which child was going to be gracing his classroom with those types of manners. "I'm trying to teach her to stop but Horace just encourages her."
"What about you?" A dark-hair lady pointed at Severus. "What is the weirdest thing your child does?"
Severus had a huge list but really didn't want to go into the strange and weird history of the other parents' children. "I can't get him to eat any fruit except for green apples. If I try anything else, he won't even look at it. It has to be apples and they have to be green." Severus realized mistake too soon as every mother started listing their children's quirks about eating.
"Severus, Harry is sleeping in the Charms Hall." Filius knew it wasn't the first time someone had found Harry in weird places to sleep.
Severus gave an eye roll. "Merlin, that kid can sleep anywhere. Did you know I found him sleeping on the stone wall by Hagrid's hut, yesterday?"
"Rolanda found him in the broom closet. He was sleeping on one of the Quidditch chests. Rolonda woke him and he helped her set up the brooms and went back to sleep while she gave the lesson."
"I don't know where he got the flexible napping skills but they are definitely the most noteworthy skill he has inherited. Must be from Lily's father. He used to nap all the time, never had an issue with sleeping at night, neither does Harry."
"Severus, why is Harry barking?"
"Blame Hagrid." Severus had corralled Harry, plunked him into his chair. "Eat."
"I don't care if you don't like lima beans, you will eat them."
"Well, perhaps if you spoke, I wouldn't have put them on your plate, despite Hagrid reassurance that with practice you will be able to speak to animals."
"Albus, I think you need to speak to Hagrid about what he tells Harry is possible." Minerva had already warned Hagrid about telling the four-year-old tales about speaking to animals.
Crash. Severus closed his eyes. He was going to kill a certain Headmaster. Crash, boom, crash, bang, fake sirens. "Harry, I don't have potions for our fake people hurt in those crashes."
"I have fake potions."
Severus put his magazine down, trying not to panic as he walked to his son's room. Albus had taken Harry to a muggle toy store and bought his son a vast number of Matchbox Cars and Trucks which Harry had been creating crash scenes all day with them. "What are you using for fake potions?"
Harry held up some little figurines. "They are from a movie called Star Wars. This guy talks funny but he is dressed in black like you so he is the Potion Master."
"Indeed." Severus turned to leave as he saw his son sending another car into the pile of cars. Crash
Severus was carrying his two-year-old son into a store. "Daddy, look pet kid." Severus looked to where Harry was pointing and saw a child on some type of restraint to keep the brat from running around.
"Oh, great another one who is going to lecture me on putting my daughter on a leash. I'm telling you she loves it. She is the one who keeps handing it to me."
"I wanted to know where I could buy one." Severus could see the girl was very happy as she was fiddling with the leash.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so used to people giving me dirty looks. I don't know the exact name of the store but I can give you the information I do have. Marion is the owner."
Severus thanked the woman and left. He found the store fairly easily and was looking at the selection. While in the magical world, they used magical leashes, he wanted one for Harry in the muggle world. He looked at Harry. "What color do you want?"
Severus was afraid of that. All they seemed to have was pastels. He picked up three. "No, no, no. Black."
"I will make sure they are black." Severus promised. He wasn't about to be seen with his son in anything pastel.
"That is an interesting new skill." Albus smiled as Harry continued to hum while eating.
"Those Weasley brats got him convinced that if he doesn't hum while he is eating, he will starve. Nothing I have said has convinced him otherwise. I explained how food worked, how the stomach processed it, how starvation worked, nothing."
"Harry, which Weasleys told you about humming?" Albus put a cookie in front of Harry.
"Gred and Forge." Harry kept humming.
Severus looked ready to kill someone. "Remember when they turned your bear into a snake?" Harry nodded. "This is the same thing. They are pranking you."
"That wasn't nice." The five-year-old looked at Severus. Severus banished the soup and put a slice of pizza in front of Harry.
"No but we get them back?" Harry, wisely and quietly, asked.
"Daddy, you need to eat more."
"Harry, I'm full."
"You need to eat more. I want a baby brother." Harry added more food to Severus plate.
Once everyone stopped laughing including Severus. "Harry why do you think overeating will give you a brother."
"Well, Mrs. Jensen is going to have a baby and she said she needed to stop eating the pickled beets because she didn't need any more baby weight. She said she was only carrying one, not two or more."
Severus closed his eyes, he had been hoping to put off the talk.
"Harry, there isn't a loo monster."
"Yes, there is. Ron told me, Nev, and Draco all about it. He said it would swallow you and take you out to the ocean to never be heard from again."
Severus knew he told Albus to keep Harry, Neville, and Draco away from the Weasley brats. He had been teaching today but the daycare had closed because of some conference the staff needed to attend. Albus suggested that he could watch the three boys since Neville and Draco had spent the night.
"You get rid of it?"
"I will." Severus was defeated. He pulled out his wand and making up a spell aimed it at the toilet, the toilet exploded sending water and porcelain everywhere.
"Wow Dad, you slew it. You are the best." A soaking wet Harry hugged Severus.
Severus did a quick check making sure Harry wasn't hurt. He wasn't about to tell his son that he didn't mean to blow up the toilet.
Severus wasn't sure why his son was yelling his name and running toward him. "Harry? What is wrong?"
"Hide me, we need to move too, fast. Like out of Scotland."
"What? Why? What is wrong?"
"Ginny Weasley kissed me and now we're married and she wants to keep kissing me. I don't like her."
"She just kissed you."
"Yeah, walked up to me and planted it on me. I was gross. She declared we were married."
"Relax, you aren't married. In a few years, you will want to kiss some girls."
"Yuck, they got cooties. Will you explain it to Ginny? I don't want to be married."
"I will handle it."
Severus was sitting, again, with a group of mothers. "I'm telling you he insists that if he eats an apple seed a tree will grow inside of him."
"Mine insists on having exactly 37 stuffed animals, books, and toys in her bed, and knows exactly what is missing if I should attempt to remove something. She sleeps with books."
"Oh, Hermione will outgrow that. Mine cries piteously at the mere mention of a bath but loves every minute of bathtime including playing with those new water paints for the walls."
Severus added his own. "Mine has the ability to look straight at me from two feet away and genuinely not hear a word that I say."
"Mine does that but he puts his fingers in his ears and starts singing lalalalalala."
"Harry tried humming while eating but we got that to stop during the first meal."
"Draco, knock it off." Harry threw a pillow at his friend.
Draco was currently practicing facial expressions in the mirror. "Harry, which is my best side?"
"The back of your head."
"Seriously." Draco rolled his eyes.
"Boys, dinner." Severus looked into the room. He had hard what was already said. "You don't want cold pasta."
"Uncle Sev, does this make me look fat?”
"Fat?" Severus looked at Harry for guidance. Harry was shaking his head yes. "Yes, it does." Severus wasn't ready for the wails that came out of Draco.
"Where's my tail?" Harry tried to turn his head to see his back. "Dad, where is my tail?"
"Hold on a second. I had to get it from my bathrobe." Severus indicated for Harry to turn around and he tucked one end of the belt from his robe into Harry's pants, used a sticking charm to make sure it didn't go anywhere. "There now you can go and be a cat with Aunt Minerva." He was going to visit Hagrid and explain how Harry didn't need to be told about turning into different animals as of yet.
Severus was back with the group of women. "My son is obsessed with taking the belt to my old ugly robe and sticking it in his pants to make a tail. He then proceeds to romp around the house like random animals. If I take it from him, he asks, "Where's my tail?" His speaking to Hagrid did nothing. Harry kept insisting he was a tiger, a dog, or even a boarhound.
"Mine keeps wearing my make-up. I have had to hide it but she keeps finding it."
"Mine has a thing for shoes. I have even found my husband's dress shoes in the pond. My son wanted the ducks to have feet."
Severus didn't mind his son wanting a tail as he listened to the horror stories of what other children destroyed.
Severus looked at Harry. He had been attempting to get Harry to drink more water but the boy was refusing to drink anything but pumpkin juice. Severus removed the plastic cup from Harry's settings and put a plastic cup of water down. Harry looked up at Severus. "Drinking makes daddy happy." Harry started singing Beer, Beer, Beer, an Irish drinking song.
Severus closed his eyes. "The twins." The staff had caught the twins visiting their older siblings and they remained for the night after a Quidditch game.
Severus was trying to clean up his quarters. Albus and Minerva were coming for tea and he wanted to at least get the place looking like he had some control over his quarters.
"What did you just say?" Severus walked to the kitchenette.
"Fuck." Harry pointed to the secured drawer. "Fuck." He pointed to the little plate that Severus had thought he had secured. Harry had some cake on the plate that was originally on the tea tray. "Fuck."
"Fork, Harry, it's called a fork."
"I said fuck." Harry pointed again.
Severus picked up the fork. "Fork." He gave the fork to his son. "Do not say it while grandpa and Aunt Minerva are here. Promise."
"I promise." Harry took the fork and headed to eat his cake.
Severus frowned. Harry was in his room with one of the elves cleaning up the latest toy box mess. "What happened?" He heard some hopping sounds.
"I stepped on a lego and hurt my piggies."
Piggies? Severus stood in the doorway and saw Harry holding his toes. "Piggies?"
"Yes, piggy toes." Harry held out his foot. He pointed to each toe as he sang:
"This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
This little piggy went ...
Wee, wee, wee,
All the way home."
Harry looked at his father. "I got a little boo-boo.
"I see." Severus made sure the elf wasn't looking as he kissed his son's boo-boos better.
Severus wasn't sure how he got talked into this. He was walking with his son out to Black Lake. Minerva was walking with him, carrying a picnic basket. Albus had decided that since it was so hot out, it was the perfect day to go swimming.
Severus growled a bit when he saw that Albus invited a lot of younger children over including the Weasley family, Longbottom, and some other light oriented families. Harry approached Neville and his grandmother. "My daddy isn't usually half-naked, we're going swimming." Severus was just wearing some swimming trunks and a t-shirt. He did feel a bit half-naked.
Severus was getting worried. He knocked on the bathroom door. “What’s going on in there?”
“Nothing, it’s just me and my penis.”
Severus regretted teaching his son that. Harry seemed keen on using the word penis whenever he could.
Severus wasn't sure how he got talked into doing this. Severus glared at Albus and Minerva who were sitting at the table waiting for them. They were waiting in line to get Harry's picture taken with Santa. Severus was holding a small bag of sweets because Albus insisted that Harry needed some while they were standing in the line. Severus felt a tug on his arm. He automatically just passed a piece of the sweets to Harry. "No, I want a bloodsucker, not Coco balls, they too big." Harry's loud voice carried around the store.
Severus' face turned red as all the parents looked at him. "Time to go, Harry."
"No sit on the old man's lap? Grandpa's hair is prettier." Severus didn't wait but picked up Harry and marched back to Albus and Minerva who were laughing.
Severus glared at his son who was covered with his potion ingredients as he began to clean him off. Granted they were all ingredients that were harmless as they were herbs and some other plants that needed to be cut up. He could see a play cauldron next to his son and a stirrer. "I don’t ever want to see you do that again.”
Harry looked up. “Okay close your eyes.”
Severus began his lecture on the dangers of potions as he tried to forget his son's remark that was so much like him.
Severus had carried his son up to the infirmary. Poppy was doing Harry's yearly check-up. Harry wasn't happy about it but he was sitting on the bed letting Poppy do her exam. Poppy glanced at his chart and announced that he was overdue for a particular shot. When Poppy left to get the shot, Harry threw himself back upon the examination table and stage-whispered, in a wavering voice, “Do you have any idea…(pause for drama)…what I’ve been through?”
"Yes, I'm sure you are overstressed." Severus laughed as Poppy returned. He looked at the shot. "If you let her give you the shot, I will let you have ice-cream for dessert."
Harry was playing with his food. "Eat, Harry."
"Dad, I heard a joke today but I don't get it."
"Oh, what joke, perhaps I can explain it."
“What comes after 69? I said 70 but I was told I was wrong and it was mouthwash. How does mouthwash fit into counting?"
Severus eyed the students. "Where did you hear that joke?"
Harry looked around. "Ron told me and Neville. None of us got it and we agreed to meet tomorrow to see if any of us got the answer."
Severus rose. "Come with me. We need to talk."
"Uncle Severus, what is a humanitarian?" Draco was spending the weekend with Severus and Harry since his parents were on their yearly anniversary getaway.
"I got this one dad, It's a vegetarian except they eat humans."
Severus wasn't sure if he should be horrified or proud. "If you wish to be one, remember blood is hard to get out of clothes and to clean up."
Harry: What did I earn for being good today?
Severus: My love and affection.
Harry pouts and cried: I don't want that. I want some chocolate ice cream.
Harry entered Severus' office. "Ugh! You're such an idiot!"
Severus looked up from his correcting one of his current students' assignment. "What? Why?"
"Wait...what does idiot mean?"
Severus laid down his quill. "Come here and tell me what you did mean."
Harry threw down his quill. "Most inventors are smart, like you dad but not the inventor of home assignments. They are the worst of all the inventors."
Severus looked at the stack of assignments he was correcting. "I do agree."
Severus was walking home with Harry. Severus was headed to Diagon Alley for some potion ingredients he needed to get. Harry was mumbling under his breath. "What?"
"I want to go home. This week is so long. I hate people."
Severus didn't say anything as he agreed. His son was sounding more and more like him each week. "It's only Monday."
Harry threw up his arms in annoyance. "Can't we hide?"
"We can hide tonight. We will just remain in our quarters."
"Finally, something going right."
Severus guided them back to the apparition spot.