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Let's Call the Whole Thing Off

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Sender: Dean (US)
Received: 16:03:52
19-11-2013
More crazy reporters, huh? Dude, you gotta stop hiding your face when people are taking pictures of you. Let them see those cheekbones!


Sender: Sherlock
Received: 22:04:01
11-19-2013
Are you drunk?


Sender: Dean (US)
Received: 16:04:26
19-11-2013
Are you going to be a dick?


Sender: Sherlock
Received: 22:04:59
11-19-2013
If finding your jokes about my face tasteless makes me ‘a dick’, then yes, I am going to be one.


Sender: Dean (US)
Received: 16:05:49
19-11-2013
Jeez, don’t bite my head off! And it wasn’t a joke, you DICK! See if I ever pay you a compliment again


Sender: Sherlock
Received: 22:06:08
11-19-2013
Oh, I wonder how I’ll survive. I’ve grown so used to them.


Sender: Dean (US)
Received: 16:06:52
19-11-2013
Oh, fuck off! Want me to fall over myself paying you compliments all the time? Not gonna happen


Sender: Sherlock
Received: 22:07:24
11-19-2013
Thank God for small mercies. Flattery is for imbeciles. People are stupid and their opinions have no importance to me.


Sender: Dean (US)
Received: 16:08:02
19-11-2013
I was so damn right to give you that nickname. Ray of fucking sunshine!


Sender: Sherlock
Received: 22:08:39
11-19-2013
Ah. I have failed to meet your standards for entertaining company. Hardly a surprise. I don’t have breasts and/or about two brain cells.


Sender: Dean (US)
Received: 16:09:22
19-11-2013
God I hate you so much you rude snarky son of a bitch


Sender: Sherlock
Received: 22:09:39
11-19-2013
The punctuation key on your phone has been broken, I see.


Sender: Dean (US)
Received: 16:46:02
19-11-2013
Email.


From: Dean Winchester
supernatural_hunter@gmail.com

To: Sherlock Holmes
consulting_detective@gmail.com

[conversation] Nov 19

22:45 Dean Winchester
Sammy tells me John’s ready to throw himself off a cliff after being in a kind of a lockdown with you in the house. You been climbing the walls?


16: 49 Sherlock Holmes
I’ve been cooped up in here for two days, because everywhere I go I’m being mobbed by the press. For what? A sordid little case that happened to involve a politician. Let me guess. You found out about it through the naked prostitute’s pictures.


22:52 Dean Winchester
What’s the big deal? Lay low for a couple of days. Put some music on, watch some porn. Chill out, man.


16:56 Sherlock Holmes
There is time for music and this isn’t it. As for ‘chilling out’, not a good idea. If I do what I used to, it will likely get me arrested. I prefer to investigate criminals not join them, although currently the idea is holding some appeal.

It’ll also upset John. Then again he is being insufferable…


22:57 Dean Winchester
Whoa. Come again? Do I want to know?

You didn’t say anything about watching porn.


16: 59 Sherlock Holmes
It doesn’t matter. It was in the past.

That is because there is nothing to say.


23:01 Dean Winchester
Alright, not the kind of talk to have over email.

Come on, dude. Everyone watches porn.


17:02 Sherlock Holmes
Clearly your judgement was just clouded by your fascination with sex.


23:03 Dean Winchester
Where do you come up with this stuff? I don’t have a fascination with sex!


17:04 Sherlock Holmes
Then how do you explain the fact that drugs made it to your list of topics that are not appropriate to be discussed via email and sex didn’t?


17:05 Sherlock Holmes
I can picture you stammering right now.


23:06 Dean Winchester
How nice. You picture me often?


23:08 Dean Winchester
I still don’t get what's the problem. Take a break, you probably need one. Actually, scratch that. You’re living the life of a freaking monk, man! You’re not drinking, you’re not getting any action—you DEFINITELY need a break.


17:11 Sherlock Holmes
Last night I finished the last of the bottle of whiskey you left behind. It didn’t help with the boredom and it only added some unwanted side effects.

I don’t need a break—I need to work! My brain needs to be occupied! I can’t switch off, I’m going crazy and I am bored, bored, bored. Yet John’s the one complaining!


23:15 Dean Winchester
Got it. Sorry, man. Seriously.

What side effects? Spill! Did you go around the apartment dancing naked and slobbering all over the furniture and John?


17:17 Sherlock Holmes
Do you even think before typing?


23:18 Dean Winchester
Said the man who has no filter on his mouth.


17:25 Sherlock Holmes
Touché.

I almost wish you were here. For all the absurdity of the supernatural, at least it didn’t render me comatose with boredom. Plus Sam could have distracted John—he’s becoming really annoying.


23:28 Dean Winchester
I bet 20 bucks John will be ready to kill you by tomorrow night.

It would have been fun to be over there actually. For like a day though, I don’t have John’s patience. I’d put you over my knee or throw you out of the window in like an hour.


17:33 Sherlock Holmes
I bet 20 bucks John will be ready to kill you by tomorrow night.
I hope he does. At least I wouldn’t have to suffer through the ensuing further publicity.

It would have been fun to be over there actually. For like a day though, I don’t have John’s patience. I’d put you over my knee or throw you out of the window in like an hour.
Your fear of flying is to blame. And please. You can overpower me only in your fantasy. I’m your equal. I mean physically—just so there is no confusion.


23:36 Dean Winchester
Just when I think you’re funny and you turn to your arrogant, snarky self again. Just FYI, I can totally make you my bitch.

And I don’t have fear of flying! I just hate it, that's all!


17:39 Sherlock Holmes
Interesting. Denial seems to play an integral part in your modus operandi. Try not to be predictable by saying “No, it doesn’t.” On the other hand, perhaps I shouldn't discourage you. Evidence is hard to obtain in matters of psychology and this would be perfect. Not to mention ironic.


23:42 Dean Winchester
I don’t even know what to say to any of that.


17:44 Sherlock Holmes
There is something refreshing in the unpretentious simplicity of your honesty.


23:47 Dean Winchester
Oh well, thanks. Let me just print that. The only compliment YOU’ve paid me and it’s so awesome I want to have it for keeps.

By the way, you don’t have fear of flying.


17:50 Sherlock Holmes
Was that an invitation?


23:52 Dean Winchester
What was it again…Oh yeah. Make of that what you will.


17:53 Sherlock Holmes
You’re quoting Mycroft. This conversation is over.


Sender: John Watson
Received: 00:24:31
11-19-2013
I don’t know what you did, but thank you. JW


Sender: Dean
Received: 18:25:09
19-11-2013
Dude, not you too with the initials thing. It’s lame. You’re welcome