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Daniel Gets Raped by Rigar

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DANIEL: [kneeling, at gunpoint] Whoever you are, I come in peace. We can talk this through--

RIGAR: Shutup, bitch! I have evil plans for you that are evil!

DANIEL: meep

[TRIGGER WARNING: non-con (rape crack with hats)]

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RIGAR: I am Rigar. Your ass is mine.

DANIEL: Uh, I'm Daniel. There's no need to get hostile. My people just want to get to know you better.

RIGAR: Well then, Daniel, welcome to Bedrosia, which means "Bed of Roses". Now sing us a song. A nice song. A song about bunnies and the changing of the months. By Neil Sedaka.

DANIEL: Neil Sedaka?

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RIGAR: That's what I said. In the key of B-flat, please. Moocholus will provide you with hats.


DANIEL: Um... I love I love my calendar girl. Yeah, sweet calendar girl. Ouch!

RIGAR: No! NO! You toneless dullard! SING the words, not just SAY them. Sing the melody, or you will force me to show you my pitch pipe.

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MOOCHOLUS: Can I get the hats now, boss?

THUG: [threatening with Bedrosian laser rifle] On your knees, pretty boy.

RIGAR: [kicks Daniel] I will give you vocal lessons, and then we will win American Idol. Even if it takes six months and bribes for the judges.

DANIEL: [to self, on all fours] I hate surprise buttsecks.

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[After the surprise buttsecks, Rigar imprisons Dr. Jackson.]

RIGAR: Blow my pitch pipe, Daniel.

DANIEL: How am I supposed to sing and play a pitch pipe at the same time?


RIGAR: You'll know when you see the size of my... PITCH PIPE.


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DANIEL: Okay, okay! I'll sing! I'll wear hats.

RIGAR: Excellent. Now... September!

DANIEL: Ahem. Ah, let's see...

[wearing crocheted cupcake hat with cherry-red pom-pom] September: Light the candles at your Sweet 16...

[wearing pumpkin-orange knitted tuque with green stem and leaf at crown] October: Romeo and Juliet on Halloween.

[wearing black Puritan's capotain with buckled hatband] November: I give thanks that you belong to me...

[to self: Jack]

[wearing floppy red velvet pixie cap trimmed in white fur] December: You're the present 'neath my Christmas tree...

RIGAR: [disturbingly aroused] Yeah baby...

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RIGAR: [in grotesque ecstasy] good... ooh yeah...

DANIEL: [offscreen] Ouch.

[Daniel endured 6 months of Rigar's music lessons, but neither Stockholm Syndrome nor party hats made him prefer Rigar over Jack.]

DANIEL: [wearing blue paper conical hat trimmed with blue tinsel garland, and looking pissed] January: You start the year off fine...

[wearing pale rose lace-knitted beret with glittery red heart antennae and looking dejected] February: You're my little Valentine.

[Until one day, Sam found the 'Gate address to Bedrosia.]

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JACK: [really pissed] Hand over Daniel and no one gets hurt!

SAM: [to her badass self, while aiming bigass alien laser rifle] I love my job.

RIGAR: [defending his position with a laser rifle] No! Daniel is MY little songbird!

JACK: [firing zat'ni'k'tel] Think again, Lumpy.


RIGAR: [flung back in agony by the blast] But I had 6 more hats!

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page 9

[Back at the SGC, Daniel gets the same post-rape therapy* he received after Hathor.]

*none {Canon, bitchez!}

JACK: Harry owes me one.

DANIEL: [incredulous] You gave Rigar to Maybourne?

JACK: Apparently, Maybourne has a criminal rehab program that involves dance therapy.

[Cut to Col. Harry Maybourne dreamily imagining Rigar dressed as a schoolgirl with blonde braids dancing in the 1998 Britney Spears "Hit Me Baby" music video.]

JACK: So Daniel, how did you survive 6 months with a sadist?

DANIEL: [smirking] I went to my happy place. [imagines Jack wearing pink furry bunny ears]

[April: You're the Easter Bunny when you smile.]