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Tell Me I Was Dreaming

Chapter Text

There was this overpowering smell of smoke; an unbearable heat licking at his legs. He could hear sirens screaming in the distance, pulling closer to them. He tried opening his eyes but was met with what felt like an unmovable weight on them. Blindly, he reached out hoping to connect with some part of her. Tiny pin pricks sliced open his skin as his hand met the glass that was coating the inside of the truck. He tried again having some success at opening his eyes, the sight that greeted him made his blood run cold.

“An…” Sam started but a cough ripped through his throat cutting him off. “Andy”

She didn’t move one muscle to the sound of her name being called. He felt for the buckle to release the seat, attempting to move towards her. He hit the roof of the truck with a resounding thud making the ringing in his ears even worse. He scouted closer to her in the small space.

“Andy, come on” Sam whispered out reaching for the pulse point on her neck.

Before Sam could get his fingers on the inside of her neck, the door was being opened and he felt his body being pulled from the wreckage. The sound that came from him didn’t sound human as he tried to break free to crawl back to her.

“Sam! The truck is on fire” The person dragging him screamed pulling him further away “She’s next”

Sam felt the paramedic’s hands placing a neck brace on him turning his head from the mangled remains of the truck. They rolled him onto a back board just before lifting him onto a gurney cutting off his line of sight. He continued to struggle to get back to her but was quickly strapped down to the bed as he was rolled to a waiting ambulance.

Sam felt the weight returning to his eyelids as the bright lights of the rig glared down at him. He listened as the paramedic rattled off his vitals trying to listen to the radio. It was silent, not even a cackle of static could be heard, making his gut tighten into a knot of apprehension.

Dov couldn’t believe his eyes when he pulled up to the scene. It was completely unimaginable as they surveyed the carnage. He quickly noticed that the engine had caught fire leaving them only minutes to get them out before it went up in flames. He heard Sam call for Andy shortly before a loud thud resonated inside the truck. He motioned for Chris to go to the driver’s side to attempting to get Sam out first as the fire was closer to him.

Dov watched as Sam tried reaching for her only to be pulled away at the last second. Sam didn’t seem to notice that he was even there. His entire focus was on her. Dov couldn’t even begin to describe the sound that came from him; it wasn’t something he had ever heard before. Dov scrambled into the passenger side of the truck. He quickly released the belt latch cradling what he could of her torso so she didn’t hit what was left of the roof.

Dov watched as the paramedics raced over to his friend. He slowly backed away from her to allow them room to work. He began to look around to see what exactly had happened to his friends. There was another truck on its side angled away from the silver one. It was bigger and had more weight behind it than the one it hit. Someone must have run a red light or sped up to beat one. They would know more once the techs completed their layout.

“How is she?” Chris asked coming up to Dov. “Sam was still fighting as the put him in the rig”

“I don’t know. All I could do was get her out before the paramedics took over” Dov told him turning to walk back to the cruiser. “Let’s head over to Victoria Mercy”

They both walked over to the car letting the newly cut rookies take the witness statements. Neither of them spoke on the way to the hospital. There really wasn’t anything for them to say. Both silently sent up prayers that both Sam and Andy would make it through this unscathed.

Sam was in and out of consciousness the entire ride to the hospital. Every time he became aware he listened for the radio. He wasn’t sure if it had made a sound while he was out but it never did when he was awake. He had tried talking to the person to the left of him but his mouth never opened to let the words out. Sam felt himself slipping back under as the rig came to a stop as the doors at the back were opened.
The quick flashes of light whizzing overhead brought him back to the surface. He still didn’t want to open his eyes for fear of the blinding light. Sam heard muffled sounds of what he thought might be voices floating above him. He felt his body being moved off one gurney and onto another one. Sam knew it was only a matter of time before the poking and prodding started. He tried to steel himself for what was to come.
As he tried to listen to what was going on around him, he felt a darkness start at his feet creeping towards him. Sam couldn’t describe the feeling that was beginning to wash over him. The darkness consumed more of his body leaving him feeling calm and agitated. He was being pulled under again by the darkness but he wasn’t sure that he was going to wake up from it this time. His last thought before the darkness took him over completely was of her.

Dov and Chris finally arrived at the hospital running into the emergency room looking for anyone they knew. Dov spotted Oliver pacing the front line of the waiting room chairs. They walked up to him hoping that he would have news about their friends.

“Do we know anything?” Dov asked as soon as they were within earshot.

“Sam has been taken to surgery. Something about needing to check for internal bleeding” Oliver stated not even looking up from the hole he was wearing into the floor. “Nothing said about Andy. I haven’t heard anything about Andy”

Dov looked quickly at Chris, alarmed by the news that their Staff was relaying to them. While they wouldn’t be given any information at least Oliver would be able to get something, but that was the thing there was nothing for Andy. Dov now understood why he was walking back and forth like a caged animal.

“Are you sure that they know that you’re here for them both?” Dov asked hoping that there was a simple explanation for the lack of information. “Maybe they think that someone else is coming for Andy?”

Oliver stopped abruptly in the middle of a turn.

“Don’t you think that I told them EXACTLY who I was here for!” Oliver snapped coming around fully to stare at Dov.

The wild look on his face was something that he had only ever seen in his eyes once. When Izzy thought, it would be funny to rebel as a teenager. Apprehension pooled in his gut as the realization was beginning to dawn on him.

“Now you get it” Oliver snidely remarked resuming his pacing.

“You don’t think that she didn’t…do you?” Dov asked hoping that he was wrong.

“I don’t know what to think anymore. There should have been something on her at this point. Surgery, coma, or something” Oliver whispered to himself.

No one wanted to say the alternative out loud; saying it out loud made it real. They couldn’t allow that to even become a possibility. So, they all remained silent. Oliver continued to pace, ignoring the world around him. Dov and Chris took a seat deciding to wait out the answer.

“McNally?” Called someone on the other side of the waiting room.

Oliver whipped his head in the direction of the voice had come from. He quickly strode up to the person in the green scrubs trying to discern the look on his face. He came up with nothing. He couldn’t tell which way this was going to go and it killed him. With one last silent prayer, he stepped before the man to find out the fate of his friend.

Heavy, everything was heavy again, an unbearable weight was all he could feel pressing down on his body. He tried moving his limbs but nothing would cooperate. He could feel his eyes moving but the lids wouldn’t budge. He could hear the machines as the beeped and ticked working effortlessly next to his bed. There was another presence in the room that he could feel. It made his hair stand on end as he made out the quiet sounds of someone crying.

Sam renewed his efforts to open his eyes to see who was with him in the room. He saw quick flashes of dim, blurry light as his eyes attempted to open. With every flash came this overwhelming sense to puke but the feeling of a tube down his throat prevented that from happening. Finally, he could open his eyes, focusing on the pale tile of the ceiling. Everything was still fuzzy around the edges but his eyes were open.

Sam looked over to one side of the room finding nothing and moving his head slowly back to the opposite side. He couldn’t believe the sight that greeted him. The dread that he had felt in the ambulance earlier was wrapping its cold tentacle around his insides. He couldn’t speak or make a sound as he laid there staring at the person occupying his room. One of the machines next to him started to beep rapidly, alerting the person with him that something was wrong. It caused that person to look up towards his open eyes as the heart monitor continued to spike.

“Sam” Oliver said looking him directly in the eyes “I’ll go get the doctor for you”

Sam followed his friend as he walked out the door. His heart rate was only increasing with every passing second. His mind was racing trying to put together the events that he was missing, unsure of what exactly had landed him in the hospital.

Oliver returned a few minutes later with a doctor and nurse following closely behind him. Sam took note of his pale complexion with red puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks.

“Mr. Swarek, I’m Dr. Grant. Now that you’re awake, I can remove that tube for you” The doctor said coming closer to his bed. “On the count of three we will extubate you. One. Two. Three”

Sam immediately felt himself choking and coughing at the same time. The burning sensation he experienced ripped from the base of his neck all the way to the back of his throat. The nurse quickly appeared by him with a white plastic cup. Sam took a small sip from the straw slightly cooling his throat.

“Andy…” Sam whispered out in between coughs.

“Mr. Swarek do you know what happened?” Dr. Grant asked him not meeting his eyes.

“I don’t…I…need…” Sam attempted to ask for the information he needed to know “Andy?”

“I need you to focus, Mr. Swarek” Dr. Grant told him. “Do you know what happened?”

“Truck…accident” Sam responded as he attempted to get up “Andy?”

“Mr. Swarek you need to stay put and listen to what I’m about to tell you” Dr. Grant said gently pushing him back to the bed. “Another attempt to get up or agitation will result in being sedated”

Sam didn’t respond the fight leaving him immediately as dread replaced the fire. He listened quietly as the doctor relayed all the injuries he had acquired in the accident. Nothing hurt more than the void he felt filling his chest. He slowly closed his eyes, hoping
to drown out the world until they left him alone.

“Mr. Swarek I want you to get some sleep and then we can talk more about what happened” Dr. Grant said noting thing in his chart before walking out the door. “Get some rest, please”

Sam let out the breath that he had been holding waiting for the doctor and nurse to leave. Slowly his gazed landed on his friend that was seated in the corner of the room avoiding his eyes. The void inside him grew larger as the truth lingered in the air. It was only a matter of time before the truth shattered it all.

“Oliver…tell me” Sam whispered out unable to say anything more.

“Sammy…I don’t—“ Oliver started before the yell cut him off.

“JUST SAY IT!” Sam shouted as the heart monitor spiked again sounding an alarm.

Oliver took a deep breath trying to compose himself. He knew that this moment was going to come, that the longer it was avoided, the more damage it would cause. He scrubbed his hands over his face trying to rub the salty tears away. He raised his eyes to look at Sam to confirm the answer that he already knew.

“Sam…she…uhh…she didn’t make it” Oliver choked out as a fresh wave of tears began to flow down his cheeks. “I’m so, so sorry”

Sam could have sworn that his heart stopped in that moment if it hadn’t been for the pesky machine’s alarm going off. His heart hadn’t stopped just shattered into a million tiny shards lost in the abyss if the void taking over. The nurse from before came rushing into the room, pushing something into his IV. Must be the sedative that the doctor had talked about because the darkness he remembered returned to swallow him into the blackness. His last thought was that at least here pain didn’t exist and reality couldn’t torture him anymore.

Chapter Text

Oliver watched over his friend as he was resting somewhat peacefully. Every once in a while, his hand would twitch as though he was reaching out for someone. He knew exactly who he was reaching for in his dreams but unfortunately it wasn’t going to change reality. He just hoped that the next time he woke that he would take the information better. The last few times he had, he had needed to be sedated after hearing the news again. The road to recovery was going to be a long and hard.

“Andy…no” Sam mumbled in his sleep, thrashing his head back and forth.

Oliver looked up as the nurse came into the room. She smiled slightly as she walked over to check his vitals. He just nodded to her, watching her work to make sure that Sam remained comfortable.

“Do you think today will be different?” The nurse asked him while she made notes in the chart.

“I don’t know if it will be” Oliver sighed setting his paper aside “She was his everything”

“Do you know more of what happened?” She asked turning to look at him.

“Distracted driver speeding through town ran a red light crashing into their vehicle” Oliver said, shaking his head “One person’s carelessness ended everything for two people”

“I’m so sorry” She responded just before turning to leave.

“Me too” Oliver whispered to himself, picking up his paper, returning to his article.

“ANDY!” Sam shouted, as he bolted awake, disoriented with a wild look in his eyes.

“Sam” Oliver gently said, standing to walk towards him “It’s okay”

“Oliver?” Sam said his name as a question confused again.

“Sam, you’re in the hospital. You were in an accident a few days ago—“ Oliver explained leaving the rest of the information unspoken.

“Ollie…Oliver…tell me it’s not true” Sam begged, holding the emotion back that threatened to overpower him “Tell me I didn’t lose her”

“I’m so sorry, Sam. I wish I could tell you that but I can’t lie to you” Oliver told him, as silent tears burned hot tracks down his face. “It happened, it’s real”

Sam laid there not saying anything, looking at some distant spot on the wall in front of him. He was hoping that this time it would be different; that he would wake up to it all just being nothing more than a nightmare plaguing his dreams. The unrestricted tears streaming down his friend’s face said more in the silence than words ever could.

Traci sat at her desk going over the reports that had been filed on the accident. She kept trying to find the reason that this had happened to them. Nothing in them made sense but she was sure that it was because it was Andy, that she was over analyzing it.

“Hey Trace, got a minute?” Dov asked, poking his head into the office.

“Yeah, what can I do for you?” Traci responded, motioning to the chairs in front of her desk.

“Have you been to see him?” Dov asked her, as he picked at a spot on his uniform.

“I tried to see him the other day but he was only awake to hear the news and was sedated again” Traci told him. “I don’t know if he has accepted it. According to Oliver, he hasn’t”

“How did you do it?” Dov quietly said “When Jerry passed, how did you cope?”

“I had these really great friends, who banded together, to keep me sane” Traci said with a sad smile on her face.

“Do you think you can die of a broken heart?” Dov asked, looking her in the eye now. “That this could mean we lose both?”

“I think that there have been instances where one could die from a broken heart…” Traci started “But I think that Sam is strong enough to live with this”

“I hope you’re right” Dov said, standing to leave “Sam deserves to live”

“I’m going to try to stop by to see him later tonight, if you want to come with me” Traci offered to him.

“Just let me know” Dov said, exiting her office.

Traci watched him leave before packing her things to go home for the day. Sam had helped her out a lot after Jerry. While she never got the chance to marry the love of her life, she knew what it felt like to lose the love of her life. She would help him learn to live with this tragedy because there was no getting over it. You don’t just get over something like that. She sent a quick text to Oliver to let him know that she would be stopping by at some point. Traci hoped that soon she would be able to return to the office with
her partner.

Sam was awake but everything was numb. He knew that he should be hurting but he didn’t know if it was the drugs or the knowledge that she was gone that kept him from feeling. It was probably a combination of both. The doctors continued to run tests, asking questions he would answer with a single syllable response. Finally, they decided he needed to rest and left him alone. He looked over at Oliver, sitting in the corner quietly observing.

“How long?” Sam asked, “How many days has it been like this?”

“It’s been almost five days…since the accident. You were in and out of it.” Oliver told him.

“I’ve been like this for five days, Oliver, why?” Sam questioned, looking at him. “How could you let them keep me like this?”

“Sam, we didn’t exactly have an option. Every time you woke up and found out you lost it” Oliver said letting the accusation hang in the air. “I didn’t want to do it, Sam, but you didn’t give me a choice”

“Who’s making the arrangements?” Sam asked, knowing that it was supposed to be him.

“Traci has started them, but nothing has been finalized, because you weren’t able to make those decisions at the time” Oliver explained, folding up his paper “I’m sure that she will be by to talk with you”

“Can I see her?” Sam asked, wanting to see for himself that she was really gone.

“Sam…I really don’t think that’s a good idea right now” Oliver started “This is the first time you’ve stayed conscious for more than five minutes”

“I just need to see her, Oliver” Sam said his voice gaining strength “She is my wife”

“Alright. I’ll see what I can do” Oliver said, getting up to leave the room in search of answers. “I’ll be back as soon as I know anything”

Sam watched as his friend left the room knowing that he would do his best to get him to her. Sam felt an overwhelming pain tear through his body. He squeezed his eyes tightly attempting to shut it out but one traitorous tear slid down his left cheek. Sam reached up quickly with his free hand to swipe it away as someone walked into his room.

“Hey” Traci greeted as she walked into the room ignoring what she had just seen. “How are you feeling today?”

“Like I got hit by a truck and lost my wife” Sam whispered out harshly “How do you think I am?”

“I’m sorry, Sam. I shouldn’t have asked that way” Traci started “I was just checking in to see how things were going”

“Not well. Apparently, I’ve been in a comatose state for almost a week” Sam let out “And I don’t know if they’re going to let me see her”

“Do you really think now is the time?” Traci questioned.

“When am I supposed to see her? When she’s being lowered into the damn ground!” Sam yelled out, frustrated that people continued to question him. “She is my wife. I deserve to see her”

“Okay, Sam. I won’t argue with you anymore” Traci said, “Would it be okay if I came by tomorrow to go over the arrangements I have made?”

“Yeah, sure, okay” Sam replied, nodding at each agreement.

“Then I will see you tomorrow” Traci said, before walking out the door, sending a quick text to Dov to let him know to stay away.

Sam watched Traci’s back, as she retreated, leaving his room. He didn’t mean to yell at her but he didn’t need another person trying to tell him what was good for him. He just wanted to see his wife, confirm that the hell that he was living in was his new reality. Sam suddenly felt a coldness settle over his left hand. Looking down he couldn’t see anything there, but it felt as though someone was holding his hand, as nothing else felt cold. That’s when he heard it…


Oliver walked the halls for a bit in search of the doctor. He knew that the doctor was out making rounds but he didn’t want to wait at the nurse’s station. Oliver was just rounding the corner when he caught a glimpse of him entering the staff’s break room. He picked up the pace, slightly jogging to the door.

“Hey, Doc, got a minute?” Oliver asked, as he leaned against the door.

“Sure Mr. Shaw. What can I do for you?” Dr. Grant questioned back.

“It’s Oliver. And he wants to see her. He’s quite adamant about doing so” Oliver explained.

“And you don’t agree?” Dr. Grant queried.

“Personally, I don’t believe it is a good idea right now. This is the first day in almost a week, they haven’t had to sedate him after the news” Oliver started “Maybe tomorrow or the next day”

“I have a feeling Oliver, that he will rip out his IV’s as he prepares to crawl to a wheel chair, possibly breaking his casts, to get to her” Dr. Grant said, taking a sip of his coffee “That is not a good idea”

“I think you’re right, Doc” Oliver agreed, solemnly shaking his head, as he backed out of the door way.

“You’re a good friend, Oliver. I get that you’re trying to protect him, but he needs to do this in his own way” Dr. Grant said, patting him on the shoulder “I will be by shortly, to see how he is feeling and we can go from there”

“Yeah, okay. Thanks” Oliver said, turning towards Sam’s room “I’ll let him know”

Oliver began walking back towards his friend. He knew that the doctor was right, Sam wasn’t going to just take the news laying down, if they wanted to wait a couple more days they would need to sedate him. Oliver couldn’t let them do that again. Whether he wanted to or not, Sam was going to have to learn to live in a world without her.

Sam sat there staring at his hand confused and bewildered. Every few seconds, he would look up to let his eyes roam around the room. He could still feel the coldness gripping his hand but he hadn’t heard the voice again, it was as if it was nothing more than his imagination. But it didn’t change what he had heard. If he was certain of anything, it was that he had heard her call his name.

“Sam?” Oliver questioned, waving his hands in front of Sam’s face “Are you okay?”

“Wh-what?” Sam asked, turning his confused eyes onto his friend “When did you come in?”

“About 10 minutes ago, I’ve been calling to you, but you were zoned out” Oliver responded, taking in the ashen look of his skin and wild eyes “What happened while I was gone?”

“I heard her, Oliver. I heard Andy…call my name” Sam started “Feel my left hand, it’s cold, only place on me that’s cold”

“Sam…what do you mean you heard her?” Oliver asked him, attempting to gauge what was happening.

“Don’t patronize me, Oliver. I know what I heard and I know what I feel” Sam said “She’s still here. She’s still with me”

“Sam…Andy died in the accident. She’s in the hospital morgue right now” Oliver told him “I will take you to her after the doctor comes in to talk to you”

“I don’t care where her body is Oliver!” Sam yelled out. “She is here…with me”

“You’re not making any sense right now, buddy” Oliver explained “You can’t be talking like that when the doctor comes in or he’s going to send you to psych”

Sam ignored him, turning away to look back at his hand. He knew that he probably sounded crazy, that if he continued, he would have a visit from psych. But he just couldn’t shake what he had heard or what he was feeling. She was here with him in some way. He would take any part of her that he could to get through this pain.

“Mr. Swarek, how are you feeling?” Dr. Grant asked walking over to the machines.

“Like I got hit by a truck and a dead wife” Sam snapped “Oh and don’t forget comatose for a week”

“Well, I can see that you’re taking things better. Sorry about sedating you but we didn’t have a choice” Dr. Grant apologized “You were scaring the other patients”

“Can I see her?” Sam asked, ignoring the doctor’s admonishment.

“I don’t see why that would be an issue. I can call a nurse to come take you to see her” Dr. Grant said, making notes in his chart “As long as you behave, Mr. Swarek”

“I just need to see her” Sam told him “I need to know for myself that she is really gone”

“Okay, Mr. Swarek, I think that we can accommodate you” Dr. Grant assured him “By the looks of things, you could be out of here by the end of the week”

“What is wrong?” Sam asked, unsure of his injuries other than the obvious broken leg.

“You suffered a fracture of your left leg, ruptured your spleen which we removed, and you have a few bumps and bruises. Overall, you were pretty lucky” Dr. Grant rattled off.

“No, I lost everything” Sam whispered, staring down at his lap. “That’s not even close to lucky”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Swarek. I’ll get the nurse to take you to her and then I will be back for one last check before I’m off” Dr. Grant said as he backed away “Again, I am truly sorry”

Sam didn’t even bother to acknowledge the last sentence. He didn’t need people to tell him how lucky he was because he wasn’t. Sam lost his heart and soul in the accident. He was nothing more than a hollow shell of a person.

Dov sat on the couch reading the text that Traci had sent him. He kept replaying the scene of the accident over and over in his head. Chris had gotten to Sam in time but he failed to get to Andy. He felt one drop hit his hand before he realized that he was crying. Dov quickly wiped the tears away before heading to the kitchen to get another beer. He walked back to the couch flopping down to stare at the blank TV screen.

“Hey, Dov, we were going to go and see Sam, if you wanted to come” Chris said standing by the door “I heard that he was awake”

“Traci sent a text to stay away, Chris” Dov responded “I don’t think it’s a good idea for any of us to go”

“Oh, I didn’t know” Chris said, walking back to the living room “Want to order pizza and watch a movie?”

“Yeah, okay” Dov said, nodding his head as he answered, “I’ll find something if you order the pizza”

Dov watched as Chris went off in search of the takeout menus. He really didn’t feel up for this but he knew that he shouldn’t be alone either. The guilt was eating away at him little by little. He had really wanted to talk to Sam but was warned off. As much as he wanted to talk to him, he also didn’t want to upset Sam more.

“You know that we did our best, right?” Chris asked from behind. “You did all that you could for her”

“Does it really matter? She’s gone. Never coming back” Dov let out harshly “It’s all my fault that she’s gone”

“Dov, we were first on the scene and the first to get inside” Chris started “You read the report she died on impact”

“That doesn’t make sense! She’s survived so much more” Dov yelled back “How does a car accident take her out?”

“I don’t know, man” Chris said, shaking his head “I just don’t know”

Dov listened as he walked away to order the pizza. He didn’t mean to get mad like that at Chris. It wasn’t his fault but he couldn’t control the raging emotions that were coursing through his veins. He took out his phone to send a text to Sam, but then he changed his mind. Dov didn’t think that he even had his phone. It was probably sitting in an evidence bag. He would stop by the hospital to see him tomorrow. Maybe then he would be able to find a little bit of peace.

Sam watched the lights pass over him as he was briskly walked through the hallways. He couldn’t remember the last time that he had seen this part of the hospital. He felt the sense of dread travel through his body making his limbs heavy, only to pool in the pit of his stomach, turning it to stone. Sam could feel the bile rising-up into his esophagus, leaving a burning trail in its wake. He thought this was a good idea, but as they approached, he was second guessing himself as they drew closer to the sign reading morgue.

“You okay, buddy?” Oliver asked, watching as his friends face drained of color “We can always turn back”

“No, I need to see her” Sam let out shakily.

Oliver just nodded in response as there really wasn’t much to say. He had made his opinion clear to his friend but he wasn’t able to change his mind.

“Alright, Mr. Swarek, here we are” The nurse said, pausing before the door to swipe her name badge to gain access.

Sam wasn’t sure what stopped first his heart or his lungs. He couldn’t breathe nor did he feel the tell-tale thump of his beating heart. He was slowly being wheeled towards the freezers, that helped to keep the bodies cold. He watched in fascinated horror, as the nurse deftly opened one of the vaults pulling the bed from its cold depths, revealing Andy’s dead body.

“NO... god no…” Sam screamed, feeling the crushing blow decimate his heart, as hot tears ran down his face.

Sam was struggling to hold it all together, he knew that if he didn’t get it under control soon, he would be sedated. He turned his face from the lifeless body of his wife, not wanting to watch her return to the icy box. The squealing of the wheels against the metal brackets made him wince in pain. Sam knew from the swaying of the room that he was rocking back and forth attempting to calm the warring emotions within himself. He felt the coldness return to his hand just before hearing it again…

"Sam, I'm here"

Chapter Text

"Sam, I need you..."

“Andy…come…back” Sam mumbled out in his sleep.

Oliver watched as Sam’s eyes popped open, him becoming aware of his surroundings. He had known that taking him down to the morgue was a bad idea. Sam was struggling to come to terms with the fact that she was gone, seeing her body wasn’t going to help him right now. Oliver looked at his watch to see that he had only been out for a couple of hours.

“Sam…” Oliver started, he didn’t want to startle him.

Sam moved his head looking towards the corner where Oliver sat, a coffee in his hand. He couldn’t shake the feeling of dread that was settling in the pit of his stomach, like a rock floating to the bottom of the ocean. He remembers leaving the room but not much after and the missing gap was important.

“You sedated me again, Oliver, why?” Sam questioned, unable to make sense of it.

“Sam, you went to see her. I told you that it wasn’t a good idea…” Oliver started.

“OLIVER!” Sam yelled, effectively stopping the explanation. “Get out, leave, go anywhere but here”

“Sam, I did what I thought was best. You were spiraling.” Oliver argued.

“I don’t care what you thought you were doing. You need to get out.” Sam growled.

Oliver didn’t say another word, as he turned on his heels to leave, he didn’t even look back towards Sam. He knew that it was going to be a fight about the sedation, but he never thought that Sam would kick him out of the room. He had already been sedated for so long, but the look in his eyes made Oliver ask the nurse for it…it was the look of a man at his breaking point.

Traci had just finished gathering the last of the arrangements that needed to be done for the funeral. She really wasn’t sure how Sam was feeling today but things had to be in place soon. The morgue wasn’t going to keep her body forever. Traci looked up just in time to see Oliver exiting the hospital.

“Oliver!” Traci yelled, attempting to get his attention.

Traci watched as he turned towards her. She threw her empty arm up in the air to wave him over. He started towards her but the look on his face told her that something was wrong.

“Where are you going?” Traci asked, once he was within earshot. “They didn’t release him, did they?”

“He kicked me out. I took him to see her against my better judgement. He lost it” Oliver said. “So, I did what I thought was best and had him sedated again”

“Oh Oliver. He will come around just give him time” Traci tried to reassure him.

“I don’t think it is that simple anymore. He lost his whole world.” Oliver said in explanation. “I don’t think there is any way to come back from that”

“Just give him time. He will come back. You don’t just throw away years of friendship” Traci stated.

“We will see. What do you have there?” Oliver asked, finally realizing she was carrying something.

“It’s everything that he needs to look over before the funeral in a few days” Traci explained.

“Do you really think that is a good idea after he just kicked me out of the room?” Oliver queried.

“I don’t really have a choice, Oliver. The morgue isn’t going to hold her body forever” Traci snapped. “It’s not like I’m exactly up for it either, but he’s her husband”

“Call if you need anything. I’ve been yelled at enough for today” Oliver said, before walking away.

Traci stared after him as he shuffled to his car. She would have to talk to Sam about what he did to Oliver. He may not listen to her as well as he did with Andy, but she was still his partner. She shifted the folders to the other side as they had gotten heavy. Traci took a deep steadying breath before continuing to make her way up to Sam’s room.

Sam heard the door to his room open. He looked up just in time to stop himself from yelling again. He thought that it was Oliver coming back to talk to him. He didn’t want to talk to his friend. Sam wasn’t even sure which made him angrier: the fact that he was sedated again or that the sedation took away a part of his memory. He forced a smile as he watched Traci come into the room.

“Hey” Traci said in greeting.

“Hey” Sam said back. “How are things?”

“I should be asking you but by the looks of it, I’ll just leave it alone. I came to talk to you” Traci blurted out, nervous energy rolling off her in waves.

“Nash, I’m not going to yell at you” Sam attempted to ease the nervousness inside his partner.

“I don’t know about that, Sam. I saw Oliver on the way out. I have the funeral information” Traci stated, without looking him directly in the eyes.

“Just show me what you have started” Sam tried to encourage her but grimaced.

Traci started going over the details that she had sorted out while he was unconscious. Sam was finding it harder and harder to concentrate on the pages in front of him. The words on the pages blurred and the edges of his vision were starting to fade into darkness. He blinked a couple of times hoping that it would help him focus. Sam heard it first, the erratic beeping of the monitor, before he felt his heart rate spike. He looked up to Traci but couldn’t hear anything over thunderous sounds crashing in his ears.

“Sam? Can you hear me?” Traci asked him, watching as the look of confusion took over his features. “Sam!”

Sam felt frozen as he watched Nash race for the door to call for someone. He saw the nurse come rushing through the door, but he still couldn’t say anything. The nurse took down his vitals then went in search of something. Sam was pretty sure that it was going to be another sedative, but he couldn’t make his voice work to tell them no. She quickly returned to the room with a syringe in hand, pushing it into his IV line, before turning to Nash ushering her out of the room. Sam felt his eyes starting to get heavy, this time he didn’t fight it. He felt into the darkness as her voice came back to him.

“Sam, you’re not alone"

Dov sat there waiting for Sam to wake up. He knew that he shouldn’t be here, but he needed to talk to him. He found it odd that Oliver wasn’t in the room but none of the nursing staff knew exactly why he had left. Dov heard the door being opened and looked to see who was coming into the room.

“You’re new” Dr. Grant stated. “I’m assuming you’re a friend of his?”

“Yes, I uh, work with him, but yeah we’re friends” Dov answered. “How is he doing?”

“He’s as good as can be expected. His injuries will heal. Just worried about his mental stability” Dr. Grant informed him.

“What’s going on with him?” Dov asked.

“He’s struggling with the loss of his wife. Anything that is connected to her, he loses himself and needs sedation.” Dr. Grant explained. “I want to release him but I’m not sure if that’s possible right now”

Dov just stood there in shock. He didn’t know how to respond to the information that he was given. He thought the guilt he was carrying before was heavy, it now increased tenfold. He knew that Sam was struggling but not this bad.

“Do you think the will be okay?” Dov managed to ask.

“I think he just needs time” Dr. Grant said as he finished his notes. “He will also need help from friends and family”

“I hope that you’re right” Dov said as he watched the doctor leave the room.

Dov picked up the paper that was sitting on the table next to him, even though it was a day old, it was better than staring at the wall. He would wait until either Sam woke up or Oliver came back, whichever came first. Dov really wanted to talk to him but was a little unsure if now was the time. He didn’t want to make matters worse and the recovery time be extended just to ease his guilt.

“Andy…come back…NO” Sam yelled as he jolted awake.

Dov sat up looking at Sam, waiting for him to realize that he wasn’t alone in the room. He had this wild look about him, one that Dov had only seen on him when Andy was in trouble.

“It’s okay, Sam” Dov gently said. “You’re okay”

Sam looked over to the corner the voice had come from not immediately recognizing who it was in the room. He couldn’t believe that Dov was in here with him and not Oliver. Slowly things were coming back to him. He had kicked Oliver out just before Nash had come in. He had no idea what happened while he was talking with her. Everything was still a blur when it came to the stuff she had shown him.

“What, uh, what happened?” Sam asked, unsure if Dov knew anything.

“When?” Dov questioned.

“When Nash was here” Sam clarified.

“I’m not exactly sure, but I think that you freaked out again and they sedated you” Dov told him. “I think you’re struggling with the loss—”

“Don’t say it. Don’t you dare say she’s gone.” Sam stated cutting him off. “You don’t get to talk about her”

“I didn’t mean to upset you, Sam” Dov started “I was telling you what the doctor had said”

“You should’ve been there for her. You should’ve left me in the truck and took her first. She never should’ve been left in there” Sam ground out. “She’s gone and you’re to blame”

“Sam…that’s not fair” Dov began. “We did our job. She died on impact”

“Get out” Sam growled. “Get out now. Go home. You don’t belong here”

Dov didn’t know how to respond to the harsh words that were coming from Sam. He wasn’t even sure that there was a response. He just stood silently leaving the room without a backwards glance. Sam was hurting, attempting to deal with this tremendous loss, maybe he will forgive him someday. Unfortunately, today wasn’t that day, so he left Sam to himself.

Sam sat there alone as a new wave of hot searing tears rolled down his face. He didn’t like to cry. He felt that it showed weakness, especially in front of others, but now it didn’t matter because he was alone. He had successfully pushed everyone away and now he could take the time to grieve on his own. He felt his chest start to constrict cutting off air to his lungs and his heart starting to race. Judging from the sound of the machine next to him, it wouldn’t be long before some nurse came running. Sam tried to take a deep calming breath but all he was able to get out was a choked sob. As he predicted, a nurse came rushing through the door, a needle in hand with what he could only assume was another sedative.

“Please…don’t” Sam begged.

“We have to lower your heart rate, Sam” The nurse said, stopping short of giving him the medication. “I will give you time”

“Sam, please”

Sam felt his heart rate starting to go down, her voice softly whispering to him, as the machine beside him started to quiet. The tightness in his chest lifted a little, as the tears slowed down, giving him a moment of peace. The sound of her voice was calming to him. It was a salve to his wounded heart.

“Thank you” Sam whispered out to the nurse.

“You’re welcome, Sam” The nurse said before making her way to the door. “This is the start of the healing process”

“Do you, uh, know where my wallet is at?” Sam asked, hoping that it wasn’t gone. “Could you get it for me?”

“I think they brought your belongings in to your room” The nurse said. “I’ll look in the closet”
Sam watched her cross the room to the tiny cabinet in the corner. He saw her rummage for a few seconds before grabbing a small black square piece of leather. Sam knew that she had found what he was asking for, letting out a sigh of relief that it was still close to him.

“Here you go” The nurse said as she handed him the wallet. “Now try to stay calm and get some rest”

Sam didn’t respond to her as she left the room. He sat there staring at the leather wallet in his hands. He wanted to open it, to see if it was still inside, that it had survived the crash. Sam felt his hands trembling as he flipped it open. He felt the rush of air leave his lungs, as he released a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. He pulled it from the pocket, he had placed it in, tucked safely away. Sam saw the tear drops sliding down the glossy back of the photo, before he felt their fiery burn. He carefully opened the grainy black and white picture he held in his hands. Before he could stop it, a gut-wrenching sob escaped through his lips, the force of it causing him to double over. Sam let the pain flood his system, this time, as he grieved for his wife and the tiny little one he would never get to meet.

“Sam, this isn’t over”

Chapter Text

Dr. Grant entered the room quietly, trying not to disturb the occupants. He just wanted to check his patient's vitals, to see if anything had changed. There wasn't any significant change, nothing that could help in the decision-making process of how to proceed. Everyone wanted answers on what to do, but he couldn't make the decision for them or even sway them, that wasn't his place. He turned to leave, coming face to face with the once sleeping person.

"Any changes?" She asked.

"No changes" Dr. Grant started. "Good or bad…there aren't any"

"He will be okay" She responded, before laying her head back down. "He doesn't have a choice"

Dr. Grant didn't know what to say to that, he just nodded without saying a word, and left. He had seen a lot of things in his years as a doctor, but this case was probably the hardest. He wanted to believe that Sam would be okay, but he just wasn't sure if the man could come back from this. Faith and love were one thing, but medical facts were another. Dr. Grant just didn't believe that the facts were in his favor.

"Dr. Grant do you have a moment?" A voice called from behind.

Dr. Grant turned to see Oliver standing a few steps behind him. He had an odd look on his face. It was almost as if there was a war raging inside of him and he was conflicted on what exactly to do.

"Sure, Mr. Shaw, what can I do for you?" Dr. Grant said, smiling.

"I think that you should send in someone form the psych department" Oliver spit out.

"Is there reason to be concerned?" Dr. Grant asked.

"I just don't know how healthy this is, there should be some progress but there is nothing" Oliver stated. "I just need to make sure that I'm only losing one friend, not two"

"You know that I can't answer that for you, Oliver" Dr. Grant said. "I will send someone in from the psych department, but if everything checks out, we leave this alone, deal?"

"Deal" Oliver agreed, walking back towards the room.

Dr. Grant watched Oliver walk away. He didn't necessarily feel that the situation required a visit from psych…not yet. However, the longer this continued, the harder it was to deny that some type of psych intervention needed to happen. He finished writing up his notes on his patient, before heading to the third floor for the psych consult.

Oliver walked into the room, hoping that Sam was going to be better today, maybe even more understanding than before. He was just trying to do what was best for him. Oliver noticed that he was sleeping, which was a good thing for him. He turned to look at the person sitting in the chair, watching over Sam. He walked over to the chair next to her and sat down. She looked horrible, as though she hadn't slept the entire time he had been gone.

"Have you slept?" Oliver asked.

"On and off." She answered as she shrugged her shoulders.

"You can't do this to yourself." Oliver admonished. "You know this isn't what he would want"

"I found this…clutched in his hand" She said. "I didn't know, at the time, but it explains everything"

Oliver took the small folded object from her, the knot in his stomach tightening as realization set in, to what he was holding in his hands. The photo was black and white grains, but the picture was unmistakable. It was an ultrasound. Oliver looked up quickly, trying to wrap his head around what was happening. He felt the tears pooling in his eyes as he looked at her directly.

"How far along?" Oliver asked.

"I'm guessing based on that ultrasound between 10-12 weeks" She responded with her guess.

"Who else knows?" Oliver wondered out loud.

"I don't think anyone knows, besides the ones in this room, and it had better stay that way" She remarked. "He has enough to deal with right now"

Oliver just nodded his agreement.

"I think that he needs to see someone" Oliver admitted. "I don't think what's going on is good for him"

"Oliver!" She exclaimed. "He kicked you out once already, are you trying for a second time trying to bring that up?"

"Traci…" Oliver started. "He has been hearing her "voice". Do you really think that he's okay?"

"When did he think that he heard her?" Traci asked him.

"I believe it happens when he's starting to lose it." Oliver started. "It's as though panic takes over but then her voice calls to him"

"Do you think that he really does hear her?" Traci inquired.

"I don't think he does. How could he? She's gone." Oliver simply stated.

"I thought I asked you to leave, Oliver" Sam growled, glaring at them.

"Sam…come on" Oliver started. "I just want to help you"

"Yeah, well, you're not helping" Sam ground out. "Both of you can go"

"Sam, we need to finish with the arraignments" Traci said. "We are running out of time"

"Do whatever you want, but get out" Sam commanded.

Oliver couldn't believe what was happened. Sam was becoming someone that he didn't recognize. He knew that Sam was grieving but he never believed that he would treat his friends this way.

"I'm sorry, Sam. For everything." Oliver apologized as he got up to leave. "When you're ready…I'll be here for you"

Oliver set the photo he had still been holding down on the bed next to Sam's hand. He didn't have anything left to say, so he walked away. He didn't know if Traci was following him or not. He didn't look back, just kept moving forward. Oliver was done for the moment. He didn't need to be told for a third time to get out. He wouldn't be coming back unless he was invited. Oliver had one last idea to help his friend. He called the one person that might be able to help Sam.

Sam closed his eyes against the wave of rage the was coursing through his body. He watched Oliver get up first to leave, stopping only to return the photo, then Traci left without a word or backward glance. He didn't want anyone to know about the baby. Sam heard the door open to his room. He was prepared to yell at the intruding person, but the response died in his throat.

"Sam, what are you doing?" Tommy asked, standing in the doorway. "Your friends are trying to help you"

"Tommy…" Sam choked out, as fresh tears fell, he was the last person he expected to see.

"I know, it's okay, but you can't push the people who care most about you away" Tommy told him. "She meant the world to a lot of people, not just you"

"I don't know what I'm doing" Sam confessed.

"Everyone knows you're hurting, they are too, but that doesn't give you the right to act like a fool" Tommy explained. "It's going to be hard, Sam, harder than anything you've done before. You'll need them, okay?"

"I needed her, Tommy, and she left me" Sam accused, his rage returning.

"Sammy, she didn't leave you. She's still here" Tommy said, walking towards the bed, touching his heart. "She's in here and no one can take that away from you"

"Tommy…I don't think it's possible" Sam told him.

"You're gonna be okay, kid" Tommy said, gently patting his cast. "Everything is going to be okay"

Sam watched him turn to leave the room and him to his thoughts. He never thought that he would be getting advice from Tommy McNally. Sam couldn't believe that her alcoholic father was more put together than he was, and not off in some bar falling off the wagon. Yet here he was giving him advice on how to handle Andy's death. He wasn't sure if it was as simple as Tommy had put it or not. Sam closed his eyes feeling the need to slip into the darkness…the darkness where her voice lingered.

"I'm not going anywhere, Sam, just try and get rid of me"

Dr. Grant finally made his way to the third floor. He paused in the door way of his colleague. He wasn't sure that this was exactly needed now, but it was being requested. He cleared his throat before making his way into the office.

"Dr. Grant what can I do for you" Dr. Laurens asked, pausing from her work to look at him.

"I need you to do a consult on one of my patients" Dr. Grant explained. "I don't know if it's needed right now, but family is requesting it."

"Tell me what is going on" Dr. Laurens offered.

"I have this patient that was in an accident, who is struggling with the aftermath of it all" Dr. Grant started. "The patient acts as though medical findings are nothing more than words on the paper, ignoring facts, constantly wanting something to change. I know that we aren't supposed to sway them one way or the other, but I just don't see how any of this can change"

"Do you have the chart with you?" Dr. Laurens questioned, holding out her hand.

"Yes, I do." Dr. Grant said as he handed over the file.

Dr. Grant watched as she looked over the patient's chart. He knew that she was reading everything and taking it all in. She was going to come to the same conclusion that he had come to in the last few days.

"I think that you have some cause for concern. However, I think that I would like to evaluate the situation on my own, before I give any recommendations" Dr. Laurens told him.

"Thank you" Dr. Grant said as he got up to leave. "I really do appreciate your help"

"Not a problem" Dr. Laurens said before returning to her work.

Dr. Grant left to finish his rounds. He did as the family had requested and sought out a psych consult. He was hoping that everyone would get what they wanted. The family would get answers and maybe some peace. A person can't move on or move forward if they're stuck in the past.

Oliver walked into the Penny, unsure of why he had agreed to this meeting. He made his way to the back where everyone was situated at tables that had been pushed together. He motioned to Liam to bring his usual over. He was going to need something to get through whatever this was. He looked around the table and noticed that everyone was weary, not just him.

"Alright let's get this over with" Oliver said, not wanting to prolong this any longer.

"Okay" Traci started "So, I asked all of you here today because I think that we need to do something. We can't just let this continue"

"You know that nothing we do is going to help, right" Chris said. "Just because we don't agree with everything, doesn't mean that we can change it"

"I think that Traci is right" Dov said. "What's been going on isn't healthy and as friends we shouldn't let it continue"

Oliver picked up his beer, taking a sip, just listened to them bicker back and forth. He knew that there wasn't going to be a damn thing that anyone was going to do that was going to change things. Every idea the group came up with to help was laughable. He chuckled at quite a few of them, before speaking up.

"You all realize that nothing is going to work, right?" Oliver questioned. "You don't just get over losing your better half. You don't just move one as though nothing happened."

"I lost Jerry, Oliver, and I'm still here." Traci began. "Yeah, it's painful, almost to the point of being unbearable, but you can bear it…survive it…move on from it"

"You're stronger than most, Traci" Oliver said. "I think I've heard enough, it's time to go home"

Oliver stood up, throwing bills onto the table, and made his way to the door. He didn't look back at the group he left behind. He didn't need to look back to them to know that they were all stunned. Oliver just wanted to go home, see his daughters, and maybe start handling the emotions that he kept hidden. Maybe if he dealt with his own grief, he could help others with theirs.

"Come on Sam, I feel like a stalker"

Sam tried to keep his eyes shut longer, hoping that if he kept to the darkness, she would stay with him a little bit longer. He wasn't quite that lucky, as her laugh faded away into the abyss. He felt his chest start to tighten and his eyes burn with unshed tears. Sam wondered if he would ever get used to this feeling.

"It doesn't go away, Sam" She told him, reading the look in his eyes. "It never goes away…you just learn to live with it"

Sam glanced over at the person sitting in the corner. He wasn't surprised to see her sitting there. She must have come in when he was still sleeping.

"Are you going to kick me out again?" Traci asked.

"No, Traci, I'm sorry" Sam told her.

"I get that your grieving. I get that you lost her, but we did too." Traci started. "You know, Sam, when Jerry died, it was one of the hardest things in my life that I had to learn to live with. Not only did I lose him, but I lost Andy for 6 months, and you, again, pushed everyone away. I've lost too much, I'm not losing you too"

"Traci, I…" Sam began. "I'm sorry. I don't know how to do this…any of this without her"

"I know Sam, don't push us away, anymore." Traci said, "Do you want to tell me what happened that day?"

"I don't remember much about it. Everything is blurry when I try to recall anything. I don't even remember going to the morgue." Sam started. "We were coming back from the doctors. She had this smile on her face, the one that rivals the sun in brightness, making a list of all the things she needed to start doing. Then the next I remember, is calling for her, trying to reach her but failing."

"Is that everything?" Traci asked.

"I remember bits and pieces of the ride here. I don't remember much of my stay here, so far. What happed Traci? Sam questioned, finally ready for the answers to the blank spots.

"A distracted driver ran a red light, crossing into the intersection, hitting the truck on the passenger side." Traci said. "He was speeding as well. Andy died on impact, Sam, there was nothing that you could've done. You didn't fail her"

"Did you finish the arrangements?" Sam asked, changing the subject.

"Yes, I did finish them. You didn't really leave me much of a choice" Traci told him. "The funeral will be tomorrow. I'm going to talk to Dr. Grant to see he will discharge you or at least release you to go"

"Thank you, Traci. I, uh, couldn't do this without you" Sam said, not meeting her eyes.

"I know, Sam. And I'm not going to stop being here for you, even when you are an ass" Traci responded, smiling as she stood. "I'm going to go find the doctor"

Sam nodded his acknowledgement with a tight smile. He didn't feel as though he was ready to say goodbye to her, but he didn't really have a choice. The funeral was going to happen tomorrow, whether he wanted it to or not. Sam just had to trust that Traci was right, and with the help of his friends he would be able to learn to live with the loss of her.

Dr. Laurens completed the paperwork that she needed to finish before heading down for the consult. She quickly pulled up the chart on her computer. She wasn't exactly sure why she needed to be consulted, this wasn't exactly her area. She gathered the things that she needed for the consult and headed for the patient's room. On her way down, she spotted Dr. Grant, and decided to get some more information.

"So why exactly am I being called down for this consult?" Dr. Laurens asked, as she stopped next to Dr. Grant.

"The family requested that something be done for this patient" Dr. Grant responded, without looking up from his chart.

"I feel like there is nothing here for me to even consult" Dr. Laurens said, attempting to get him to look up. "I feel like there is more to this than what you're telling me"

"I didn't think that we were at this point yet, but the family requested that the patient be seen. I am just doing as requested, Dr. Laurens" Dr. Grant said, turning to look at her. "The room is this way if you want to follow me. I have to check in anyway"

"I'm just confused. The patient hasn't been acting "normal" for a few days, and that constitutes a visit from psych?" Dr. Laurens asks, again. "I just don't get it"

"I think there are more concerning matters here, than just not acting "normal", as you put it" Dr. Grant said, motioning for her to follow.

Dr. Laurens just shook her head as she followed Dr. Grant to the patient's room. He stopped just before the door to the room. She watched as he raised his hand to point into the room. She moved her gaze to look through the window. Dr. Laurens again didn't see anything out of the ordinary. The room consisted of two people: one in a hospital bed connected to machines and another curled up in the chair next to the bed.

"I still—" Dr. Laurens started.

"Just watch" Dr. Grant told her. "Just keep in mind what the medical findings have been"

Dr. Laurens continued to watch the two people in the room, nothing was happening, as far as she could tell. She was about to push past Dr. Grant, when he grabbed her arm rooting her to the spot outside the window, that's when she heard it. The alarms connected to the patient in the bed started to go off, making the person in the chair take notice. The alarms stopped just as suddenly as they had started. She looked to Dr. Grant for an answer, if the patient was as far gone as the test stated, that never should've happened.

"I told you it was different. I don't know how to explain it, but I just need to know if everything is okay" Dr. Grant said. "Just tell me that it is okay to discharge the patient"

"Okay, umm, yeah, I'll let you know what I find" Dr. Laurens said, making her way around him to the door.

Dr. Laurens entered the room, unsure of how to start for the first time in her career. The person in the chair turned to look at her. Dr. Laurens watched as numerous emotions danced across their face. First it was confusion as to who she was, turning into distrust, and finally anger as realization settled in their eyes.

"Get out" She vehemently said, glaring at the unnamed doctor.

"I'm Dr. Laurens. I came to do an evaluation—" Dr. Laurens attempted.

"No one here needs a psych evaluation." She started, her voice rising in volume. "I'm fine, he's fine. You're not needed here."

"Medically, yes. Mentally, I'm not sure. I would have to evaluate you. If I don't then you can't be discharged." Dr. Laurens told her.

"I don't want to be discharged. I'm not going anywhere" She said, defiance in her tone. "I'm not going to leave him"

"No one is saying that you have to leave. No one would expect that of you" Dr. Laurens said, attempting to reassure her. "I just need to make sure that you're okay, then maybe together we can determine what's best for him"

"I told you…he's fine!" She ground out, getting more agitated as the conversation continued. "There is nothing to determine. Now get out"

Dr. Laurens stood there just looking at the woman in front of her. At first, she didn't understand why there was a need for the consult. She assumed that the family was just being overly concerned, but she saw it now. There was a need to be concerned about the person in the chair. She was in heavy denial and that denial was weighing heavily on the decision-making process. Dr. Laurens stood there for a few seconds longer, trying to determine how to word her response. She figured that putting it simply would be the best way, clearing her throat slightly to get the person's attention.

"Mrs. Swarek…Andy, please let me help you"

Chapter Text

Andy sat there ignoring the presence of the psych doctor. She didn’t have anything to say to her that she hadn’t already said. She didn’t need a psych evaluation, she was fine. She knew what the other doctor thought and she knew that he was wrong. Sam was going to make it out of this, he just needed more time.

“Andy, please just talk to me,” Dr. Laurens continued. “I just want to make sure that you are okay.”

“You don’t even know me,” Andy snapped. “Now get out!”

Andy didn’t even look in her direction as the doctor left the room. She just wanted her gone, she needed to focus on Sam. After hearing the door close, Andy took out her phone and called the person she knew was responsible for the doctor’s visit.

“How could you?” Andy ground out, skipping straight to the point.

“Andy—”Oliver began, before being cut off.

“I don’t need to be evaluated by the psych department, Oliver,” Andy started. “I’m sorry that we are on opposite sides on this, but I’m not going to just give up on him.”

“Andy, you’ve heard what the doctors have said,” Oliver told her. “He’s gone. They tried their best, but he was deprived of oxygen for too long.”

“He’s still here, Oliver, he’s still breathing,” Andy said, the fight leaving her body. “I can still feel him here.”

“You know that he wouldn’t want to be like this,” Oliver tried to reason, “you need to let him go.”

“Not without a fight, I promised,” Andy whispered, trying to hold in the tears, “he wouldn’t give up on me, Oliver, and you know it.”

“I’m sorry, Andy, I am, but I don’t agree with keeping him on life support,” Oliver responded. “If you need anything, I’m here.”

“I need you to support me, Oliver,” Andy said through her tears.

“I can’t, Andy, I’m sorry,” Oliver told her, before hanging up the phone.

Andy heard the dial tone ringing in her ears. She could feel the stinging burn of hot tears that trailed down her cheeks, she quickly wiped them away. Andy didn’t think that she had any more tears left in her, but here she was crying, again. She couldn’t explain exactly what kept her holding on when the cards were stacked against her, but she knew that he wasn’t gone…not yet.

“Sam, I’m here.”

Dr. Laurens had seen some rather stubborn patients, but she believed this one might top the list. She had to talk with Dr. Grant on the things that she had found. Which wasn’t much considering the patient wanted nothing to do with an evaluation. She would have to speak with the family before giving any recommendations.

“A little bit more of a warning would’ve been nice,” Dr. Laurens said. “You know more than, ‘you’ll have to see for yourself’, because she wanted nothing to do with me.”

“She can be a bit abrasive at first, especially when it comes to him,” Dr. Grant told her. “I needed an honest evaluation, not one clouded by my opinion.”

“I could’ve given you an unbiased opinion, but now I’m not even sure that she will talk to me,” Dr. Laurens began,“I can’t let you discharge her, not until I can evaluate her state of mind. While I don’t think she is a threat to others, I’m not sure about a threat to herself. Has she left that room?”

“If you thought your first encounter was bad; you should talk to the trauma nurse from when she was brought in to the hospital. However, no, she hasn’t left that room since he got out of surgery,” Dr. Grant explained. “I don’t believe that she intends to until he wakes up.”

“That’s never going to happen,” Dr. Laurens replied. “You’ve seen the medical findings, just as I have, and there is no coming back from this.”

“Now do you see why the evaluation was necessary,” Dr. Grant said. “I’ve brought up removing him from the vent, but she refuses every time.”

“I don’t think taking him off the vent right now is a good idea.” Dr. Laurens stated. “She’s in a fragile state right now. Pulling him off the vent would only make her spiral further.”

“Alright, I guess we just let things be for right now,” Dr. Grant responded, “I’m sure an Oliver Shaw will be by to see you at some point, he is the one that requested the evaluation.”

“I thought you said that it was family?” Dr. Laurens questioned.

“He is just not the blood related kind,” Dr. Grant answered, smiling at his co-worker. “He is their Staff Sergeant, they’re both from 15 division.”

“Still don’t think that counts,” Dr. Laurens told him, “however I think that he is right to be worried about her.”

“I’ve got to do rounds again,” Dr. Grant stated. “You should try and talk to her again. Just, uh, don’t mention the baby, okay?”

Dr. Laurens felt her jaw hit the floor as she watched him speed walk away from her. She quickly turned around grabbing Andy’s file to look it over. She didn’t remember seeing anything about the patient being pregnant. She flipped to the page that should have what she was looking for. Dr. Laurens found the answer quickly, Andy wasn’t just fighting to keep Sam alive for herself, but for their unborn child as well.

“Sam, I need you…,”Andy whispered again, as she sat in the chair next to his bed, listening to the sounds of the machines. She knew what everyone was saying, what they believed. She could still feel him with her though, and she wasn’t prepared to let him go without a fight. She closed her eyes as she thought about a happier time, a time when things were simpler and not life or death. She looked up as she heard the gentle whoosh of the door closing and someone entering the room.

“I’m not leaving, so I don’t know what you’re doing here,” Andy said, turning back towards Sam.

“I know that you’re not going to leave. I just wanted to stop by and see if there were any changes,” Traci explained. “He’s my partner too, you know.”

“Funny you should say that, Traci. Didn’t you side with Oliver?” Andy questioned. “You know the side that pulls him from the vent and kills him!”

“Andy, according to the tests, he’s already gone. Pulling him off the vent isn’t killing him, but letting him go with dignity,” Traci said, trying to reason with her. “He deserves that, don’t you think?”

“Traci, he’s still here, I can feel him. I don’t know how to explain it, I’m not sure there is a way to explain it.” Andy whispered, rubbing her stomach. “We need him to come back.”

“Andy—,”Traci started, before being cut off by the machines’ alarms ringing.

Andy quickly stood up, reaching for his hand as the machines continued to beep, signaling that he was in distress. She watched as the monitors jumped around erratically, and it wasn’t long before a nurse came rushing through the door.

“What’s happening?!” Andy screamed, watching as the nurse busied herself with Sam.

The nurse ignored her as she checked the machines. The nurse left the room as suddenly as she had entered, only to return with Dr. Grant.

“Tell me what is happening!” Andy demanded, tears filling her eyes, as the machines continued to sound in the small room.

Andy felt herself being nudged aside by the nurse. No one was communicating anything to her as she felt her hand slip from his. She felt as though everything inside of her was screaming as the pitches of the machines screeched louder.

“Sam…Sam, I’m here,” Andy whispered out.

Andy watched as the machines settled and the room turned quiet once again. She followed the motions of the nurse and Dr. Grant, unsure of what was happening. She felt her heartbeat returning to normal and tears beginning to slow.

“Mrs. Swarek?” Dr. Grant asked.

“I’m sorry, what?” Andy returned, unaware he had asked a question.

“Can I talk to you outside? Just out the door. You’re not leaving the hospital and your friend is here to sit with him,” Dr. Grant repeated.

Andy glanced over to Traci, completely forgetting that she was in the room. She didn’t respond to his request but moved towards the door, pushing it open. She stood just to the left of the door, keeping a watchful eye on Sam through the window. Taking a deep breath, she crossed her arms over her chest, hoping to brace herself for what was coming.

“Have you thought more about what has been presented to you?” Dr. Grant asked.

“It’s not happening,” Andy snapped. “I’m not removing him…he isn’t gone,”she whispered, wishing someone would listen to her.

“Will you please talk with Dr. Laurens?” Dr. Grant asked.

“I don’t need to see someone from psyche! There isn’t anything wrong with me, except maybe a few scrapes and bruises,” Andy explained, gesturing to her body. “The baby is even fine. Strong heartbeat and healthy.”

“Andy, I know that you don’t feel you need to talk to someone, but from a professional point, it would benefit you to talk to Dr. Laurens,” Dr. Grant said, attempting to get her to see reason. “At least if you talk to her, then we can clear you to discharge.”

Andy stood there for a moment, thinking about what Dr. Grant was saying to her. She closed her eyes, wishing that this didn’t bring back memories of Jerry. She remembered baring her soul to the psychologist after that traumatic event. She took a deep breath to center herself, slowly opening her eyes to look at the man before her.

“I would like to rest before talking to her. She can come back after I’ve had time to sleep,” Andy told Dr. Grant with a resigned sigh. “I can’t promise that anything will come of this but I will try.”

“That is all that we ask,” Dr. Grant said just before turning to leave her. “I will let her know.”

Andy watched him walking away from her and went back into Sam’s room. Traci was still there quietly watching over him. She felt her heart break just a little more at the sight before her. Sam was hooked to various machines keeping him alive and Traci looked over him, with silent tears streaming down her face. Andy didn’t realize that she wasn’t the only one hurting right now. She was just one of the many people who cared about Sam in pain. She walked over to him, not taking her eyes off of his still form, and whispered…

“Sam, you’re not alone.”

Oliver walked the long familiar hallway, that traced back to where he knew she would be, stopping in front of the window. He looked through the clear glass and smiled sadly at the sight that greeted him. Andy was curled up in the chair with her eyes closed peacefully as Traci gently ran her fingers through her hair. He knew that Andy wasn’t going to leave the room, but at least she was letting someone else in there with her now.

“I’m going to assume that you’re Oliver Shaw,” A voice stated behind him.

Oliver didn’t answer as he turned to look at the person standing behind him. She was a petite doctor with blonde hair and green eyes. She had this air about her that made him feel as though she was just as determined as the person she was sent to evaluate.

“I’m Dr. Laurens. You requested a psych evaluation for Mrs. Swarek,” Dr. Laurens stated matter of factly, without confirmation from him. “She has agreed to see me when she wakes up.”

Oliver let out a heavy sigh, feeling relief as a weight was lifted slightly from his shoulders. He was hoping that she would get evaluated but hearing that it was actually going to happen made him feel better.

“Can I ask you a question?” Dr. Laurens asked.


“Do you believe he can come back?” Dr. Laurens inquired of the man in front of her.

“I think we both already know the answer to that question. However, I don’t think that it is up to what either of us believe,” Oliver simply stated. “As long as she believes that he can come back, there will be no changing her mind. She is one of the most determined, stubborn, bullheaded fools that I know. The other is laying in the bed there.”

“So you want to pull him off of the vent?” Dr. Laurens asked another question.

“I want to give him the dignity that he deserves, but again it’s not up to me,” Oliver explained, turning back to watch the people in the room. “As much as I want to keep him around, he deserves better.”


Oliver turned just in time to see the young doctor walk away from the room. He wasn’t sure if she was evaluating him or the situation, not that it mattered because his opinion wouldn’t change. Sam didn’t deserve to be hooked up to the machine that was keeping him from finally passing on, no matter how much it hurt to lose him. Oliver was just worried if Andy would be able to make out of this alive.

Andy felt someone running their fingers through her hair, letting out a small sigh, reveling in the sensations as the hand continued to play with the strands of brown. She slowly opened her eyes, waiting to hear the soft grumble move through Sam’s chest, it wasn’t until the scent of antiseptic hit her nose, that she jolted awake. Reality came crashing back to her full force making her gasp for air. Andy looked around the room her before her eyes locked on the concerned irises of her friend, who had been playing with her hair.


“Nothing has changed in the last two hours or so,” Traci responded, “other than you getting more sleep.”

“I’m fine.”

“Andy…,” Traci started.

“I’m seeing the psych person today,” Andy blurted out, cutting off her friend. “After that everyone can leave me alone. I mean, you of all people should know that seeing her isn’t going to be easy.”

“Andy that’s not fair.”

“I don’t care what is fair anymore. I have to have hope,” Andy told her, turning to look at her husband. “This isn’t over,” she whispered out to him, gripping his hand in her own, before she rushed out of the room.

Andy left the room walking towards the nurses station, she didn’t really want to be evaluated, but she had told the doctor she would do it.

“I need to speak with Dr. Laurens,” Andy told the nurse sitting behind the desk. “She can come back to the room.”

Andy didn’t wait for the nurse to respond before making her way back to Sam’s room.When she opened the door, her breath caught in her throat again. She didn’t think that she would ever get used to seeing him motionless and hooked up to all the machines. Traci must have went to get something or home. Andy doubted she wanted to be in the room during the evaluation. She turned as the door opened almost silently and the doctor appeared.

“Mrs. Swarek, I’m glad that you decided to talk with me.” Dr. Laurens started. “How are you feeling?”

“I would be better if people stopped asking me that question. Also, I would enjoy it if people would stop asking me to take my husband off of life support,” Andy answered, not looking at the doctor. “Just because everyone else thinks that he is gone doesn’t mean that I have to believe it. I still feel him here...with me.”

“Andy, all the tests and findings point to him not coming back from this,” Dr. Laurens stated, trying to get Andy to look at her. “More than one doctor has given the same results.”

“I don’t care...they don’t know Sam,” Andy ground out, finally locking eyes with the doctor. “He wouldn’t leave me...leave us without a fight. He did that once before he won’t do it again. I’m not giving up!”

Dr. Laurens held her gaze for a few minutes before looking away, the sheer determination in the young woman’s gaze was unsettling in it’s sheer force. Andy wasn’t going to let anyone or anything change her mind about the outcome of this situation.

“Andy, what if you take him off the vent to test if he will breathe on his own?” Dr. Laurens asked, even though she knew the answer.

“Get out,” Andy growled out. “Your evaluation is over.”

Dr. Laurens knew this would be the exact reaction that she would receive from her. She didn’t respond to the statement directed at her and left the room. She would write up her recommendations and let Dr. Grant take it from there. As much as she thought this case was interesting, she didn’t want to be apart of it any longer than necessary.

“I’m not going anywhere, Sam, just try and get rid of me.”

Andy made herself more comfortable in the room that she had called home for the last few weeks. She wasn’t ready to say goodbye and she didn’t feel like he was gone either. There was a connection between them. If he was really gone, that would be too, but it wasn’t. She was going to fight everyone that she had to in order to keep him alive, if she lost friends because of it, then so be it.

“What did psych say?”

“Nothing that hasn’t already been said to me before, too many times to count.” Andy sighed, returning to her chair beside his bed. “Take him off the vent and see if he breathes.”

“Andy, maybe it’s time you try something different rather than letting him stay like this,” Traci pleaded. “At least think about it.”

“He’s still in there Trace, I can feel it.”

“Sometimes we feel things that aren’t really there, Andy,” Traci quietly pushed. “I still feel connected to Jerry and he hasn’t been here in a long time.”

“It’s just different.”

“Okay,” Traci responded, not wanting to fight with her friend any longer than necessary. “I’m going to go home but, Andy, please think about what the doctors are saying.” Traci took one last look at her friend and partner, hoping that something would change to be able to give her friends their lives back, but she knew that it could only end one way and she was positive Andy wouldn’t survive it.

“Bye Traci.”

“Come on Sam, I feel like a stalker…,”Andy whispered as she settled further into the chair, gently rubbing her stomach. She let out a heavy sigh before she let herself drift off thinking of the day everything changed…

Andy sat in the passenger seat of the truck smiling at the photo in her lap. She couldn’t help but imagine a little boy with deep brown eyes and black hair running around chasing Boo. They were going to be parents, which would normally have freaked her out,with Sam, though, everything was going to be okay.

“Do you want a boy or a girl?”

“Happy and healthy are all that I care about,” Sam said, reaching over to grab her hand. “Both of you.”

Andy smiled even brighter as she let the words wash over her. She was so scared to tell Sam because she wasn’t sure how he was going to react but he was so happy they both cried. She ran her fingers over the picture, attempting to commit it to memory, even though she knew this was just the first of many pictures.

Suddenly everything stopped. Sound. Movement. Everything.

Andy felt herself being thrown against the seatbelt, as the glass to her left exploded and the distinct sound of metal on metal penetrated her ears. She felt the scream of terror being ripped from her throat, but still couldn’t hear anything over the crunching of the passenger door. She turned her eyes towards Sam, but his eyes were closed and blood was trailing down his face from his hairline.

Finally, the truck stopped moving as Andy started to see blackness seep into her vision from the edges. She kept seeing everything happening in flashes, moments of consciousness that only told part of the story.

Sam hanging from the ceiling. Unmoving.

Chris pulling Sam out of the truck. Smoke filling the cab.

Dov entering the cab, calling her name. No sound registering.

Sam on a stretcher. Still no movement.

Andy finally continued to take everything in flashes until her body gave into the darkness. She doesn’t remember the trip to the hospital or the hushed words of the paramedics. She doesn’t remember the ER doctor’s examination or the tests that they ran. The only think she really remembers is waking up alone, to the rhythmic beeping of the monitors screaming for Sam.



Andy jolted awake as she was thrown back into reality from the nightmare she was reliving. She turned to see that it was Dr. Grant who had called out to her to get her to stop screaming. She wiped the tears and sweat from her face, attempting to hide her distress to the doctor.

“Andy, is everything alright?”

“Just a nightmare, nothing too bad.” Andy supplied, not meeting his gaze.

“That’s not how it sounded to the rest of the hospital,” Dr. Grant replied. “Andy, I need to speak with you about Sam.”

“I already told you that I don’t want to remove him from the vent.”

“I understand your wishes, but this is in regards to Power of Attorney.”

Andy whipped her head towards the doctor, unsure if she had heard him right, but judging by the look on his face she heard him correctly. “What about it?” Andy spit out, hoping that the venom in her voice was enough to make him rethink his words.

“With the psych eval coming from Dr. Laurens and other factors…,” Dr. Grant started. “It has been determined that you are incapable of handling medical decisions for Sam. According to the will, that was brought by Oliver, he is to be named POA in the event you are unable to do it.”

“You can’t do that!”

“Andy, I am not doing anything, neither is Oliver. This is coming from Sam’s will,” Dr. Grant explained. “Oliver went through every avenue in order to ensure this was handled properly.”

Andy’s eyes clouded over with unshed tears, as the doctor continued to explain the situation. She had stopped listening after he told her there was nothing she could do to stop Oliver. Her mind was racing with the knowledge, that tomorrow Sam would be removed from life support and allowed to die with “dignity”. Andy didn’t acknowledge Dr. Grant leaving the room, her tears finally cascaded down her cheeks. Sam was going to die tomorrow, and there was nothing that she could do to stop it.

Oliver stood outside the hospital room wanting to go in, but knowing he wasn’t welcome inside anymore. He came in to talk with the doctor about everything that had happened over the last couple of days. He didn’t really want to do this, but he knew that Sam wouldn’t want to be tied to machine in this condition.

“Mr. Shaw?”

“Dr. Laurens, I didn’t expect to see you here,” Oliver said, turning to towards her.

“I do work here, you know,” Dr. Laurens smiled, as she came closer. “Have you made a decision yet?”

“I have made a decision. Today, we will remove him from life support.”

“How is she taking it?” Dr. Laurens prompted.

“Dr. Grant told her. I wasn’t able to do it and I haven’t been to see her since he gave it to her.” Oliver sheepishly explained. “I don’t think I would exactly be welcome anyway.”

“I think, she is going to need you, even if she is mad at you,” Dr. Laurens told him, looking through the window. “She will understand one day, just give her time.”

“I will be here only if she lets me, but remember Doc, she is as stubborn as they come.”

“You will be okay,” Dr. Laurens said, as she patted him on the shoulder. “You are nothing, if not persistent and will be able to be there for her.”

Oliver didn’t respond as he walked around the doctor, to head into the room. He may not be welcomed by Andy, but he was going to be there for Sam in the end. He made sure that he didn’t wake her, as she appeared to be resting and took the seat on the other side of the bed.

“Sam, my friend, I am so sorry” Oliver whispered out to keep from waking Andy. “I don’t want to do this, but I know this isn’t something that you would want,” Oliver waited for a response that he knew wasn’t going to come from Sam.

“You finally here to kill Sam?”

“Andy, that’s not what I’m trying to do and you know it,” Oliver defended. “I don’t want to do this, but I am trying to do what is right by him, just like you should be doing.”

“He promised me that he wasn’t going to leave again without a fight, Oliver.” Andy started. “Do you really think that he would go back on that promise to us?”

“Andy, I don’t know the answer to that but I can’t continue to let him lay here with no change and no medical findings to suggest this was going to change.”

“You know, Oliver, I could’ve forgiven you for disagreeing with me,” Andy said, sitting up to stretch. “I even could have forgiven you pushing me towards the decision, but taking it away completely, I will never forgive you for that one.”

Oliver didn’t know what to say to her anymore, she wasn’t going to listen to anything he said anyway. If she needed someone to blame, in order to feel whole, then he would be that for was the least he could do. He went to say something more, when the door opened and the doctor with a couple of nurses entered the room.

“Mrs. Swarek. Mr. Shaw,” Dr. Grant greeted them as he came into fully into the room. “Have you said your goodbyes?”

Oliver shook his head to confirm that he was able to say goodbye. He couldn’t speak for Andy because he knew that she would never be ready to let him go. “I think that it is time,” Oliver said, standing to be closer to Andy, even if she didn’t want him near her.

“Can I have just a minute?” Andy asked. “Or are you going to take that one away too, Oliver?”

“Take all the time you need,” Dr. Grant said, with a small nod of his head.

“Thank you.”

Oliver watched Andy leave the room, he wanted to go after her, but he knew that would do nothing more than cause a scene. He let out a deep sigh, as he sat down to wait for her to come back. He might be forcing this decision, but he wasn’t going to do it while she was out of the room.

Andy was trying to control her breathing as the world was threatening to fall apart around her. She was trying to run through all of the options that she had left, but was coming up completely empty. She may have been able to play the spouse card but Oliver trumped her with Sam’s living will. She could feel herself starting to get sick as the reality came crashing down on her.

Andy wasn’t ready to go back to the room, she knew that if she were to go back, Sam would be taken off of the vent. She felt herself starting to doubt her own sanity in the wake of these events. She didn’t want to believe Sam would die, but she was the only one who thought he still had a chance. She took a deep breath as she made her way to the one place that she was hoping to be able to get some answers.

Andy stood out in front of the hospital’s chapel, she wasn’t religious in any real way, but maybe she would be able to find solace inside. She pushed the door open and slipped inside. The chapel was empty, but Andy could hear a soft melody playing in the background. She walked to the second row of pews and sat down staring blankly ahead.

“Who are you praying for?”

Andy turned to see a priest had come from somewhere and stood in the aisle next to her. She smiled softly at him, trying to hold back tears, but failed miserably as they fell down her cheeks.

“My husband,” Andy whispered, after a moment, “and my baby.”

Andy watched as the priest silently took a seat. She took that as a sign that he was there for her, in whatever capacity, she needed him. She felt the need to fill the silence and spilled their entire story. She had no idea how long she had been here or the amount of time that had passed, until she heard her name being called. She turned to towards the back, knowing exactly who waited for her. Letting out a heavy sigh, she got up to leave.

“Time heals all wounds.”

Andy just nodded as she walked towards Oliver, who was standing at the back of the chapel. She didn’t need to say anything to either of them because there was nothing left to say anymore. She was going to lose half of herself today and she wasn’t any more prepared, then when she politely excused herself. Andy felt a hand on her shoulder as she went to open the door to the room.

“Andy...wait,” Oliver began. “Look I’m sorry, okay. I’m sorry for how this has to go down, but I can’t change what Sam wanted and I can’t change the test results. Just please don’t shut me out.”

Andy choked out a sob, at the pure desperation in Oliver’s voice as he attempted to make things right for a second time. “I know, Oliver, I do but I’m going to need time,” Andy explained through her tears. She was trying to hold it together, but she was failing miserably. She pushed open the door quickly slipping back into her seat and grabbed Sam’s hand, not acknowledging anyone else in the room.

Andy could feel Oliver’s presence behind her and could almost imagine the slight nod of his head for the doctor to start. Her breath hitched as she attempted to calm her emotions but couldn’t quiet the sobs racking her body. She closed her eyes against the sight before her as the doctor and nurses started unhooking the machines.
The machine helping Sam breathe started to settle down as the power slowly drained from it. The seconds ticked by as the monitors started beeping erratically. Andy held her breath waiting for Sam to attempt to take one of his own. She watched the screen recording his heartbeat dance in a spiking pattern, before it started to turn into a dull thud. Andy watched in horror as the line went flat and the monotone beep filled the room, the only other sound, she could hear was herself screaming.

“Goddamnit Sam, FIGHT FOR ME!”