It was the same old ceiling he stared at for goddamn 40 minutes now. 'how atmospheric would it be if it rained now', he thought, just to look outside to see the smooth sunshine touching the trees. He sighted, unlocked his phone, just to see that there were no new messages, to see that there was no use to refresh the same social media apps for the 16th time and tossed it away again.
There was nothing happening around him, no, actually there was a lot going on, but he couldn't get himself to care about it, not anymore. Nothing seemed to excite him, everything seemed too worthless to put any effort into. Sometimes he considered reading again but gave up after a few pages. Sometimes he started to continue a show he used to enjoy and lost interest in again after one episode.
He felt bad about his friends, he felt bad about those caring about him, he felt that he didn't want to let them down, even though at the same time he made up excuse after excuse to not go out with them, and even if he did go out with them, he would try to satisfy them, as if he wanted to be somewhere else. But where did he want to be exactly?
No place seemed to fit, no place felt like home, felt comforting.
"Fuck, enough with the self-pity", he hissed and got up from his bed, deciding that it was time to take the shower he had been avoiding the entire day.
The water cleared his mind a bit. He promised himself to answer the people he left hanging online for a while this afternoon, he promised to tidy his room at least a bit and put the dirty dishes in the sink, at least. Maybe he would wash them tomorrow. Baby steps.
With a towel rapped around he walked up to his window and opened it.
His apartment was located in the third floor so he enjoyed observing the busy streets sometimes, but right now it was more of a slower traffic and less people on the streets. Soon the sun would set and the sky would have a pinkish, orange colour like it mostly had in the city because of the pollution and season. But it made him happy, actually one of a few things that did.
Interrupted by his phone ringing he turned around and looked at it like he was trying to kill it. Fuck, he hated people calling him. Why couldn't they understand? There was a reason why texting had been invented.
The phone was urging him to press the red 'reject' button but then he remembered his promise made in the shower.
The name on the display showed '$umoney', a totally creative and not at all self praising name that asshole Junmyeun had given himself and he was too lazy to change it.
He picked up.
"Sooooooo~", he heard the voice at the other side of the line sing.
"How do I deserve the honour of receiving a call from you?"
"It's Thursday, pizza evening Kyungsoo! Don't tell me you forgot..", he could actually hear the pout over the phone and shit, he actually forgot. Wasn't it just Wednesday? What happened?
"I'll take your silence as a confirmation. I'm deeply upset and you should know that, Soo"
"Maybe a little. But you're coming right? Da Nino at 8 o'clock like always"
Kyungsoo considered. The pizza evenings where traditional and actually the last bits of social interaction that survived. But it meant to go out and face his friends, who he loved much, even if he wouldn't admit it and that was the problem. They would ask questions, they would ask him how he felt, they would ask if he had decided what to do in life, which university to go.
Too much thinking, he rolled his eyes. He needed to get out.
"Yea, yea. Sure, as always. Hadn't had pizza in a while", that was a lie, he had pizza yesterday. Like almost every day, because it didn't require cooking and going out to get takeout. Pizza was easy, pizza was his friend.
"Great! Need a ride?"
Kyungsoo could hear the honest excitement in Junmyeuns voice and smiled softly. He was thankful and sad at the same time. Was it so extraordinary for him to go out? Did they really needed to drag him out? (The answer was yes, but did he want to admit it? Of course not. Denial is a beautiful thing)
"Would be nice. Pick me up at 7.45?", he answered.
"I'll be there, see you later!" With a voice far to happy and energetic Junmyeun ended the call and again Kyungsoo sighed. He kept at least one of his promises. Babysteps.