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trashy Magnus Chase group chats

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alex - you know p!atd

blitz - omg u wont shut up about them ,, i mean yeh

alex - the song dont threaten me w/ a good time?

alex - yeh that's magnus if he ever got drunk lmao

magnus - ??

magnus - how did this conversation end up about me

alex - bc you're a strange lil dude

sam - dont worry that's her version of a compliment

alex - shut up

magnus - thanks i guess

blitz - lmao it's probs true tho

magnus - ??? whatttt

alex - yes i can imagine you in a shopping cart as high as fuck losing a bet and winding up in heels lmao

sam - basically the fierrochase wedding

alex - what

magnus - what

sam - nvm

magnus - .......

blitz - lmao

magnus - blitz how could you possibly agree with her???

magnus - hearth

hearth - yeah

magnus - you're now my favorite mom

alex - LOLOLOLOLOLOLLLOOO

hearth - ...cool

blitz - that's not fair, i feel betrayed kid

sam - looks like Magic Mom takes it

hearth - Magic Mom???

hearth - what ever happened to Rune Lord

magnus - Magic Mom ftw bitches

blitz - pfft

blitz - next time you need fashion advice dont come to me

alex - ok dwarf i have my own fashion choices

magnus - and i really dont care

blitz - #ifeelsoattackedrn

sam - i still want my magic hijab tho

blitz - fine

hearth - please blitz

hearth - dont act jealous

hearth - we all know you think im the best mom

hearth - wow i actually called myself a mom

blitz - ok but i make clothes

hearth - i make cookies

sam - i bring falafel

magnus - you know what? sam wins

hearth - whatever

blitz - but yes, hearth, you make a wonderful mother ^^

alex - i ship these two so hard i cant even oml

jack - DID I HEAR SHIIIPPIINGGGSS

magnus - dude wtf

sam - great now we're hearing selena gomez and beyonce songs for the next two hours ,,

alex - p!atd is better

jack - gASSPPP

jack - not true!

magnus - sorry dude but it is

alex - rIGHT SAM

sam - i dont listen to any of them that much tbh but yeah p!atd is better

jack - !!!

jack - blitz?? elf dude??

blitz - dont call my elf "elf dude"

blitz - #p!atdrules

hearth - agreed

jack - :"(

jack - well bye i'll just be an inanimate object now

alex - thanks

alex - so

alex - where were we

magnus - idk im hungry tho

magnus - make me cookies, hearth

hearth - yeah no

magnus - fine. sam, give me falafel

sam - no

magnus - daaammnnnn

alex - lmao

mallory - HAI GUYS

magnus - HOLY FRIGG WHERE'D YOU COME FROM???

TJ - we're all here isn't that cool :")

magnus - ...

magnus - i suppose

mallory - lmao what's been going on

alex - arguing

magnus - i decided hearth is my fave mom

blitz - unfair ranking tbh but whatever

hearth - dont call me mom in front of everyone!!!

blitz - yeah, child!!!

magnus - ok mother

hearth - fuck u

alex - lmao

sam - well i have to study ^^ bye guys

magnus - ok bye sam!! :3

alex - by "studying" she means "hang out w/ Amir"

sam - n-no i mean studying!!!

mallory - lol whatever

blitz - speaking of which

blitz - i gotta go too

hearth - me too

hearth - we're not studying btw

alex - lol ok

magnus - donnt goooo moooms

hearth - bye bitches :)

magnus - ok blitz is my new fave mom

mallory - make up your own damn mind

TJ - i wish i still had a mom

everyone - .........................

alex - this got super depressing, bye!!!!

Chapter Text

magnus -  hey guys i need advice

mallory - is this about alex

TJ - it totally is lmao

halfborn - mmhmm

magnus - what?? no it's...not...

blitz - whatever kid you talk about alex all the time

magnus - nu uh!

hearth - yes huh

magnus - ....

magnus - so if it's NOT about alex, what would it be about?

mallory - im betting $10 it's about either alex or falafel

TJ - no fair i was going to do that!!

jack - same!! ok im betting $5 it's about not dying

blitz - good choice

magnus - jack how the hel did you even get $5

jack  - ....

jack  - unimportant

halfborn - ok enough chitchat what's it about?

magnus - well....

mallory - cmon spit it out, chase!!

magnus - ok...what would one do if they accidently said something very stupid in front of someone they like

magnus - i mean not like like

magnus - i mean as a friend

magnus - or, at least someone who doesn't hate the...person

blitz - ....

mallory - what did u say to alex

magnus - nothing! i mean-

TJ - maybe if you tell us we'll know how to help you better :3

mallory - good idea jeffs! but i won the bet so give me $10

TJ - me?? why me?? jack has $

jack - heh...about that...*turns back into pendant form*

sam - wait is he in the same room as u magnus

magnus - where'd you come from?

hearth - watching things unfold, probably

sam - yeah

magnus - guys this isn't important!! i need advice ASAP before im killed or whatever

TJ - STILL WHY DO I HAVE TO PAY

mallory - SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP

halfborn - no fair she usually says that to me ;-;

sam - dude just give her money

TJ - //sighs// ok fine,, first thing tomorrow

mallory - good ;-;

magnus - mallory give me advice

mallory - ask your moms

blitz - wow leave it to me because i MUST be the love expert, because im the son of freya

magnus - this isn't about love!!!

hearth - sure

mallory - exactly, blitz!

hearth - you are pretty good at love tho

hearth - in a way

blitz - thanks ^^

blitz - i'd just, you know, 'fess up

magnus - OH WOW BLITZEN I TOTALLY DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THAT, THANKS SO MUCH

hearth - don't start w/ your sarcasm child

magnus - MMMMMHHHmmmmMm fhkfgbdbfgsdks

mallory - ooohhh this is why i love hearth lmao

halfborn - #foreveralone

mallory - stfu boy

hearth - magnus, just ask sam to confront alex about it, and if alex agrees to hang out w/ you so you guys can make up, then just apologize

blitz - see!! hearth here is not only a rune lord and a pinball wizard, he's also good at this stuff!

mallory - shockingly

TJ - you could just apologize in a group chat :3

hearth - ....

hearth - or that

sam - idk, that sounds a bit inpersonal...

halfborn - i mean, do you want to get killed?

magnus - im not scared of dying (ok maybe a lil) im just worried she's going to hate me for awhile

blitz - you still have until ragnarok :3

magnus - wow you're officially that least helpful mom

blitz - again, unfair ranking!!

TJ - worth a shot in my opinion

sam- yeah, besides, im sick of saving your arse every time you feel like you've messed up w/ alex

sam - the little birdy needs to leave the nest

magnus - ok first of all i have

mallory - really cuz blitz and hearth still mother you all the time

magnus - I NEED MOTHERING OK

sam - what did you even do to make her upset?

magnus - ........

magnus - long story...

hearth - you're telling us later

blitz - if you live

magnus - thanks, something to look forward to

mallory - uh oh baby magnus is getting sarcastic :/

magnus - SHUT UP!

magnus has left the chat room

halfborn - wonder what that was about

mallory - idk, what does it matter? i get $10

TJ - and i was going to use it to by me a new coat :(

blitz - ooh, you were planning to come to my store right??

TJ - totally!

mallory - //rolls eyes// you have your fashion bonding, guys

mallory - peace, tjeffs

mallory - peace, "Fashion Mom"

blitz - don't call me that

hearth - lol

***

later, in the chat w/ magnus and alex

alex - what do you want

magnus - first of all, you left your sweater in my room

alex - ok i'll get it later

magnus - second...im sorry...

alex - for what

magnus - ?

magnus - um, you're not upset about earlier?

alex - what do you mean?

alex - upset? you think im upset?

magnus - i honestly can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not

alex - one of my many talents

alex - cmon chase, figure it out

magnus - um...well, if i were to guess, you're making me admit i made a mistake

alex - smart boy

alex - however, im not really upset anymore

magnus - you...aren't?

alex - uh, no, i was just having a...male moment...uknow

magnus - yeah i guess

alex - but seriously im flattered you called me cute

alex - unless you didnt mean it

alex - in that case, i want to kill you

magnus - no no i meant it

alex - good

alex - why'd you think i'd be upset?

magnus - idk...you don't like me that much, and it's awkward, and im sure my staring is getting annoying

alex - oh so you admit you were staring

magnus - ugh

alex - point alex ;)

magnus - fine i was

alex - hey...

alex - what makes you think i dont like you??

alex - you're fun. and soft. and sunshiney

alex - you're cool

magnus - we had this talk...dont call me sunshiney

alex - sorry it's true, softy

magnus - well, thanks. i really do appreciate it...you're cool too

alex - thanks :)

alex - and hey, dont make things weird between us

alex - you can speak your mind

alex - i (probably) wont kill you :3

magnus - thanks alex

alex - wanna get coffee later?

magnus - really? you'd do that? just us??

alex - sure

alex - why not? we need bonding time

magnus - thanks

alex - i promise i wont kill you if you annoy me in the first 10 min :3

magnus - if we take too long, will you tell the others you're hiding my body?

alex - lmao!! yes

magnus - ok XD

magnus - goodnight, alex

alex - goodnight, see you at 6:00?

magnus - sure thing

Chapter Text

blitz - OMMMGG

blitz - GUYS

blitz - GUESS WHAT I DIIIIDD

alex - dude

alex - it's literally 6:00am

alex - what the fuck im trying to have my beauty sleep

magnus - yeah usually it's me who wakes you guys up

mallory - what's going on? im tiiiiired

blitz - IVE GOT NEWS

TJ - what kind of news? ^^

alex - it better be damn worth it or im getting my garrote on you

blitz - I ATTACKED W/ PASTEELLSS

mallory - wtf

alex - usually im happy when people mention pastel shit but serIOUSLY IS THIS THE TIME DUDE

magnus - someone's male today

alex - howd u know bruh

magnus - lucky guess?

TJ - ok am i the only one who wants to know what blitz means by "attack with pastels"

jack - me!!!

mallory - totally but im still tired

blitz - ok ok i'll tell u

blitz - i got a lot of my pastel clothing (dont ask why i have them they're cute ok)

alex - uhuh make this snappy

blitz - and u know how hearth is my model

mallory - AHH I KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING

TJ - :D :D

alex - im too tired to guess just tell ME

blitz - yeah i begged him to put on a lot of  the pastel ish

blitz - sure it didn't fit him well

blitz - bUT GUYS

blitz - he is slaaaaAAAYYINNGG

alex - ok i would usually love for you to fanboy about your cute elf boyfriend but dude you could've waited

magnus - SEND ME A PICTURE NO ONE WILL BELIEVE ME WITHOUT A PICTURE

mallory - wow hearth went from emo to pastel? unlikely but good convincing, blitz

blitz - thanks! also, the look isn't pernament, but still it's just...omg he's so frickin.....

blitz - gAH

alex - you guys are sweet but im napping now gnight biatchez

blitz - also hearth doesn't want his picture taken sorry

magnus - damn

TJ - DAMN

jack - damn!!

blitz - ...

blitz - why do YOU guys want it?

jack - umm because i appreciate the pastel style and it's been FOREVER since someone's pulled it off!

alex - really??

alex - i wear pastel all the time, you bitch!

alex - also what about dan and phil???

jack - who?

alex - ugh nvm

TJ - I just wanna see //shrugs//

blitz - mmmMMM he's so cuuuuuuuuuuute

magnus - lmao i love when my moms get along (which is always really but uknow)

mallory - wait

mallory - i have questions

blitz - yeah?

mallory - why are you guys up at 6:00am????

blitz - um...

blitz - store business, duh

mallory - i find that hard to believe...and you just now convinced him to change his clothes this fucking early

magnus - he must be in a bad mood

blitz - nah he's content

blitz - and yeah mallory pretty much

mallory - too good to be true

mallory - we need hearth

blitz - why?

mallory - to check the facts of your bullshit "totally platonic story"

blitz - but it is platonic??

alex - mmm boy

alex - this is actually worthy to stay up late

alex - also im cold bc i forgot my sweater again :3

blitz - how did it even end up w/ magnus again?

alex - bitch dont turn the tables on me this is about you and your pastelified elf

blitz - "pastelified"?

magnus - kay he's here

hearth - what

hearth - i suppose blitz already told you about the...pastel issue

mallory - yes

hearth - why am i here

alex - we need another side of the story

magnus - why are you guys up so late

mallory - and why did blitz just now convince you to change so early into the frickin day

hearth - 1) blitz was working on some new designs for his shop

blitz - HA TOLD YA

hearth - 2) we were bored of watching TV and we were both wide awake so blitz randomly asked about the pastel thing

hearth - i agreed because...idk...he really wanted to see me in pastel so

alex - noice, but i refuse to admit there wasn't any nonplatonic things happening

hearth - you guys will go down w/ this ship, won't you?

mallory - hell yeah

magnus - so how do you like pastel?

alex - yeeah, does it feel like you?

hearth - i think it's a nice style. not really MY style, but i'll wear it for blitz

blitz - aww you're so sweet

mallory - DKLFGSLJKBFAKDHBAIK

mallory - JACK DO U SEE THE OTP

jack - YES MAL YES I DO

TJ - EEK

alex - fuck i want a relationship like that

magnus - b-but i like u in pastel

alex - what

magnus - umMM YOURE TIRED GO BACK TO SLEEP

mallory - real smooth

mallory - but wasn't it worth staying up?

alex - yeah

alex - but im tired now so leave me alone people

magnus - ok

mallory - ok.

hearth - im probably gonna keep this on for the rest of the night tbh

blitz - you like it that much?

hearth - idk...im too lazy to change

mallory - coughyeahrightcough

blitz - ok ^u^

blitz - gtg have fun

magnus - ok but promise me, hearth, that you're gonna wear more pastel

hearth - sure, whatever...

blitz - but first he has to be comfortable to wear it in front of you guys.

magnus - np

magnus - im tired, bye

blitz - bye child

magnus - bye fashion mom, bye magic mom

hearth - bye

magnus - or shall i say pastel mom

hearth - plz dont

magnus - lol

magnus - bye guys

 

 

Chapter Text

mallory - hey guys

mallory - i wanna prank halfborn

blitz - why do you want to prank your own boyfriend??

mallory - you clearly dont know how relationships work

hearth - excuse me

mallory - shit nvm

alex - i want in!!

alex - when i was male yesterday he said pastel clothing was "too girly"

alex - ugh

hearth - more pastels, great

blitz - you know you love it hearth :3

hearth - sure, for you

jack - how are we gonna prank him?

mallory - pfft, we? im in this alone, suckers. last time y'all got me busted

TJ - Aw! We could've done the whipcream-feather trick

mallory - no!! we always do that one!! we need something new

mallory - alex, ideas?

alex - dont come to me, i dont know any

hearth - bullshit. just the other day you were bragging about all these pranks you knew

alex - well...yeah...but...

alex - idk if we can em work

mallory - oh, trust me, we can do it

mallory - and by we, i mean me ^u^

blitz - okay whatever, just don't blame it on us

mallory - np he wont no it was any of us

alex - i want in

magnus - oh no

alex - oh cmon sunshine boy it'll be fun

mallory - YES!

alex - you should join us

mallory - NO!!!

magnus - ?? 

mallory - i mean...

alex - ugh, why not? he needs to prove that he's capable of doing the things we like

magnus - yeah, i guess

alex - besides...

alex - i kind of want to hang out with him

hearth - gasp

TJ - OOOOH

magnus - really??

alex - duh

alex - stupid

magnus - yay!

mallory - no no no no no nonoono nooo!

mallory - he'll mess it up!

mallory - he's the son of FREY. he's good for being a flashlight, not pranking

magnus - sadly i have experience w/ both

alex - oh cmon!! give him a chance!!

mallory - i dont know...

TJ - I say it's a good idea! I believe in him :)

magnus - thanks, bro!!!!

magnus - see? tj gets me

TJ - Ily bro

magnus - love u too brah

alex - bleh

alex - but still, come on mal!

mallory - mmm....

mallory - oh, alright!!! but only bc he's family to me -_-

magnus - yay!

blitz - as your parent, i dont approve

alex - it's cute how they're both accepting the parental title

magnus - cmon blitz it'll be fun

hearth - are you only saying that bc alex?

magnus - pfft hearth dude i have no idea what you're talkin about

blitz - whatever, just dont get into too much trouble

magnus - how old do you think i am? 12?

blitz - more like 11, but yeah

magnus - thanks ;-;

mallory - let's plot our plan!

magnus - ok, bye guys

alex - yeah, lez go!!!

 

TIME SKIP TO AFTER THE PRANK

mallory - oh no guys that went so wrong!!!

blitz - what happened???

hearth - lmao i knew it

mallory - let's just say we're in big trouble!!

alex - damn we're going to end up flossing some dragon's teeth!!!

magnus -  HOPEFULLY IT'S A NICE DRAGON LIKE TOOTHLESS

alex - ????

mallory - KNOW TIME FOR YOUR FANBOYISH WAYS MAGNUS WE NEED TO HIDE BEFORE HALFBORN FINDS US!!

alex - COME ON MAGGIE!!! TO MY ROOM

magnus - WHY YOUR ROOM???

alex - I DONT FUCKIN KNOW MAGNUS I MEAN IVE GOT POTTERY WEAPONS SO YEAH

mallory - I DONT HAVE A BETTER IDEA LET'S DO IT

blitz - smh you're grounded magnus

hearth - can we actually do that

blitz - yes

hearth - yay

blitz - lmao what shall the punishment be?

hearth - no falafel for a week

blitz - nice

blitz - what about alex?

hearth - steal her pastel ish

blitz - Y E S

blitz - mallory?

hearth - idk....get her to wear pink for a day?

blitz - too risky

hearth - good point

hearth - ooh we can get her to watch Mean Girls

hearth - she hates that movie

blitz - yes!! this is why i love you

hearth - i love you too <3

blitz - <3

sam - are you guys gonna search for em or what

blitz - nah

hearth - later

sam - ;-;

 

 

Chapter Text

sam - GUUUUYYSS!!!!!

sam - EMERGENCY I NEED HELP!!!

sam - ASAP1!!

magnus - what is it?? something wrong??

alex - do i need to get my garrote???

blitz - u ok???

hearth - please don't die

sam - IM FINE IT'S JUST

mallory - sPILL IT

TJ - dont worry fam i gotchu my bayonet is rEADY

sam - AMIR ASKED ME OUT ON A DATE!!!!

sam - well kind of

sam - it's actually just a hang out

sam - bUT STILL I NEED TO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY

magnus - wait dont you guys always hang out?

blitz - yeah, why is this time different?

sam - he was just all serious and blushy and gAHH I IMAGINE HE THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY??? RIGHT?? BECAUSE HE TOTALLY LIKES ME THAT WAY??

alex - uh duh

mallory - im surpised you're so open about this

magnus - yeah usually you're telling me to stay out of your personal life

halfborn - bet shes blusin rn

sam - ik but!! guys!! im just nervous, i really like him and..

blitz - don't worry sam, we got you. we'll help. let's talk priorities...what are you going to wear?

sam - um, my usual

alex - you dont have to dress up to get a man

jack - rlly cuz that's how magnus got sexually confused when you put on that wedding gown

magnus - SHUT UP JACK

alex - yeah shut up

blitz - ik sam's really pretty but hey you want to make a good impression right?

hearth - i was never worried about first impressions tbh

sam - yeah..you're right, but dont glam me up too bad

blitz - me? pfft, never

blitz - if i were you, i'd wear blue--you look great in it

hearth - yeah...

mallory - #jealous

hearth - nu uh

mallory - like the pastels werent enough lmao

alex - XD

magnus - ugh blue

blitz - like maybe a blue long-sleeved shirt w/ glitter on the top, a silver hijab (also w/ glitter), a silver bracelet....

alex - phd in fashion is at work yall

blitz - white jeans...you'll have it made, girl!

sam - thanks! i actually might have all of those

alex - sweet! step one completed

magnus - where u guys gonna be @ ?

sam - cafe, duh

sam - that outfit suits a cafe, right?

blitz - yeah

mallory - you're actually listening to him instead of doing your own thing?

sam - well i mean i didnt know what to wear, though my mind was going in that general direction...im just nervous

hearth - yes, first date nerves are the worst

magnus - of course you'd know about that

hearth - ...no comment

blitz - ahem

blitz - anyways

blitz - do you even know what to say?

sam - i might get too nervous!!

TJ - what makes you calm down?

sam - being high up in the sky, flying

TJ - yeah...that might not work out

hearth - stress ball?

sam - eh maybe, i dont want him to KNOW im nervous

mallory - girl he'll see right through you

alex - which isnt a nad thing, he's really sweet

alex - you guys dont need a chaperone, do ya? ;)

sam - no of course not!!!!!

jack - i might go just in case

halfborn - if he gets on your neves just slap em

mallory - no halfborn shut up!

halfborn - works for you

magnus - it's ok sam, amir's gonna be nervous too

sam - yeah, i just hope it's not awkward

blitz - hey, awkward isn't bad. just think positively.

sam - ok, thanks guys

sam - i should go...

sam - homework and ish

alex - bye sis :)

sam - bye alex :)

sam has left the chat room

magnus - that was sweet, alex

alex - mention it and i'll steal your falafel

magnus - gASP

blitz - well, i hope for the best w/ samir

hearth - me too, they're cute

hearth - not as cute as us but whatevs

blitz - <3

alex - bleh u guys are sappy

alex - gotta go kill halfborn

halfborn - pfft plz imma kill u

mallory - LEZ GO I'LL KILL ALL OF U :D

TJ  - I want in!!!

magnus - i think i'll pass...

magnus - bye!

blitz - peace

mallory - sayonara or however tf u spell that

TJ - Lol

 

 

Chapter Text

magnus - HEY GUYS HAPPY FATHER'S DAY

mallory - lmao i forgot people celebrated ish like that

alex - do you not remember mother's day?

mallory - no

magnus - oops i meant to just invite blitz and hearth

alex - too bad we're here too

alex - i hate father's day

sam - me too

magnus - i see why

hearth - what's father's day

hearth - sounds terrible

blitz - let's start out on a happy note! forget all the terrible dads...

sam - right

sam - i'm going to celebrate my grandpa dk about the rest of you

magnus - i'm celebrating blitzen!!!

blitz - aw thanks kid

alex - frey's gonna be pissed

magnus - nah

magnus - he's chill

magnus - besides, i don't know as much as i know blitz

magnus - also, why throw away all of the parent jokes we've had throughout the years

blitz - good point

magnus - i don't think the rest of us will be celebrating our own fathers

TJ - but like every year we'll have to celebrate Odin ^^ At least that means karaoke tonight!

hearth - Odin likes karaoke?

halfborn - sure

alex - omg

alex - well, have a nice father's day, blitz

blitz - thanks :3 what did u get me, child

magnus - working on it lol

hearth - it better not be like mother's day ;-;

mallory - ooh! please tell

magnus - ok, so...

magnus - basically i wasn't sure if hearth would be okay if i considered him my mom on mother's day

magnus - bc if he wasn't cool with that everything would be awkward

magnus - uknow?

alex - yeah

magnus - so i wasn't planning on doing anything until hearth came up to me and was like "magnus it's mother's day where the FUCK is my bouquet?" 

blitz - so he rushed to the store while I made pancakes XD

alex - lmao that's perfect XD

hearth - that day was awesome :D

magnus - and it's not happening again, i actually have presents and shit now

blitz - good :-)

alex - hey guys....

magnus - yeah?

alex - is it ok if i celebrate w/ you?

magnus - sure!!

blitz - of course

hearth - why not

alex - thanks

alex - i just...never really celebrated it too much and

alex - i have a family now...and...yeah

sam - aw :)

mallory - who knew she was so soft

halfborn - lol

alezx - stfu i'll still kill you

magnus - ok then...

magnus - samirah, you comin too?

sam - sure!

magnus - yay

blitz - all this bc of me?? thanks guys

hearth - you deserve it <3

blitz - awww thank you ilysm

hearth - love u too

magnus - i love you guys too!!!!

magnus - i have the best mom and dad <3

hearth - great now i feel so sappy inside

alex - you'll get used to it ;-; magnus is always soft and sappy

magnus - not true!

mallory - kind of is

halfborn - we gtg

TJ - yep, see ya guys!

mallory - bye

sam - gtg too! bye!

magnus - BYEEE

blitz - see ya 

alex - well i should go to probably

magnus - yeah i have to set up the father's day shit

hearth - i'll be there to help

blitz - DONT LEAVE ME GUYS

magnus - fine you can come too

blitz - yay :-)

 

 

Chapter Text

magnus - hey guys

mallory - how was father's day?

magnus - guys..can I tell em the joke

blitz - NO

magnus - please?

alex - plz don't 

magnus - imma do it anyways

magnus - hearth was helping me wrap a present and I said

magnus - "I'm beginning to feel like a wrap god, wrap god"

mallory - oh my gods you did not

magnus - I D I D

alex - lmao magnus just stop

hearth - he won't stop with the puns

TJ - LOL

alex - ...

magnus - do u even know the reference

TJ  - no not really

mallory - //sighs// we try to teach em as much as he should know but there's, well, so much

magnus - oh yeh sometimes I forget that your from like the Civil War times lol

TJ - you guys can teach me all you want

TJ - dont think I'll fully understand lol

TJ - maybe i can teach u bout the ish i know!

mallory - for the last time no one wants to know your weasel soup recipe

alex - i might

magnus - ....

alex - geez im joking

alex - u know p!atd right?

TJ - yeh i searched it up when you were fangirling about it

TJ - or fanboyed

TJ - I forgot if u were a boy or a girl that day, my bad

alex - np

alex - if only whenever you guys crashed the wedding i had you were like "HAVE YOU GUYS EVER HEARD OF CLOSING THE GODDAMN DOOR~"

magnus- umm have you heard of Marvel?

mallory - we tried to get him into that. it didnt work

TJ - it was confusing! besides the mythology was slightly off! smh

halfborn - //sighs// see

sam - ok how about Doctor Who?

magnus - Super Natural? Harry Potter?

halfborn - god y'all are nerds

alex - gASP

alex - NNONONOONONONNOOO

alex - WHAT ABOUT DAN AND PHIL???

sam - here we go

TJ - who

alex - YOU DON'T KNOW DAN AND PHIL?????

alex - THEY'RE JUST LIKE??? THE BEST YOUTUBERS EVER????

alex - aND BRITISH

sam - alex tries to drag us into fandoms episode 756

TJ - British?

TJ - im out

alex - NO WAIT

alex - THEY MAKE VIDEOS  ABOUT GAMES AND SHIT

blitz - oh yeah i saw their pastel video

blitz - coughhearthdiditbettercOUGH

hearth - :)

alex - cOME TO PHAN HELL WE HAVE COOKIES

magnus - you ship them?

alex - i mean they're cute but the fans are insane and u cant just assume sexualities....youknow...*but dan clearly isn't straight*

magnus - see TJ you'll love em, they're really fun. 

TJ - I do like video games...

alex - MAGNUS????

alex - YOU KNOW DAN AND PHIL???

magnus - yes

sam - fangirl alert

sam - (you're a girl today right?)

alex - (yes)

alex - OH MYYY GOSSHHHH SDFJKBKDJSBNAFJDBNSADFSSDFKJKSDABGSJUHBGASDKJS

alex - MAGGIE

alex - WE NEED TO TALK ASAP

alex - mEET ME IN MY ROOM

mallory - omg fierrochase it happenin

sam - thank Allah

alex - WE NEED TO HANG OUT

magnus - Wait, really??

alex - YES PLEASE MAGGIE

magnus - sure!!

alex - Y e s S S s

mallory - wait so TJ, you gonna check out dan and phil now??

TJ - //sighs//

TJ - I'll join your Phan hell

alex - YAYAYYAYA!!!!!

alex - COME ON MAGNUS WE NEED TO GO

magnus - welp

magnus - bye guys!

sam - you dont need a chaperone, right?

alex - ...

sam - sorry you do it to me

mallory - bye, hopefully i wont be able to hear you guys singing Dan's diss track from all the way here

halfborn - you know you will

TJ - what's the diss track??

alex - COME IN 30 MINS AND WE'LL SHOOW YOUU

TJ - k

TJ - bye :3

blitz - bye guys

hearth - see ya

sam - meet u guys next time on Alex Drags Us Into Fandoms ^u^

Chapter Text

magnus - oh my god you look just like shakira

magnus - no no you're Catherine Zeta

magnus - acTUALLY

marina - my name's ...

alex - ...

magnus - magnus...

halfborn - JOHN CENA

alex - ...

alex - lmao u late

halfborn - damn

blitz - pfft lol

TJ - these are memes right

alex - dUH

alex - what did u think they were--

mallory - sexualities?? type of bread?? 

hearth - //sarcasm implied//

magnus - ok but to be fair the way marina says "oh my gawd" might just be my sexuality

hearth - ???

alex - and that means..?

magnus - uhm...

magnus - well I didn't say Brendan Urie's high notes are my sexuality

blitz - omg she said that??

alex - it was a jOKE

magnus - mine was too!

halfborn - XD

alex - petition to make hearth's sexuality pastels

hearth - no

mallory - oh right your sexuality is cHOCOLATE

alex - ...if u know what she means

blitz - can we?? Not talk about this???

hearth - yeah if we're gonna talk about sexualities can it at least be serious

alex -sorry

alex - where were we? Memes?

mallory - yeah umm 

TJ - grumpycat?

mallory - brah that meme is old

TJ - if ur life was a meme..

alex - I like where this is going

TJ - which would it be?

hearth - magnus ik yours

hearth - "OH GOD PLEASE NOO"

mallory - GET REKKTT

blitz - I lOVE this eLF

jack - aka him denying his sexuality

magnus - wHY THE HELL DO YOU SHOW UP WHENEVER IM BOUT TO GET ROASTED

jack - I can't miss a roast brah

TJ - how old is that meme???

magnus - oh so now you care about age

blitz - just coz mama roasted you don't mean you gotta be salty

alex - HAAHAHAHA

magnus - I thought we bonded ... W/ Dan and Phil 

hearth - mEMES NOT DEAD YET

magnus - whatever

magnus - hearth, what would yours be?

hearth - hello darkness my old friend

hearth - ...or like a sad pepe meme

blitz - you can't be sad I'm here for you buddy ♥♥♥

hearth - ik ♥

hearth - tbh w/ out u my life is a sad song

hearth - or meme

blitz - don't think like that

magnus - WITHOUT YOU FEEL BROKE LIKE IM HALF OF A WHOLE ,, WITHOUT U I FEEL TORN ♪♪

alex - lIKE  A SAIL IN A STORM!!!

magnus - :-)   

halfborn - what's the big deal about pepe

alex - gASP

alex - tHAT IS MY RELIGION!!!!???

alex - hOW DARE YOU RUIN THE PEPE HOLINESS

magnus - calm down alex

alex - DONT CALM ME TO TELL DOWN

blitz - is she ok

hearth - uh oh here comes another existential crisis

TJ - like dan and phil lmao

alex - *so proud* *he knows*

mallory - least is isn't the sexuality crisis lmao

alex -biiiIIIITTCCHH

mallory - bruh why tf did u do that

halfborn - not like i knew she'd react like that!!!

TJ - LET'S CALM HER DOWN

TJ - when im in a stormy ocean...

alex - I rub my self with calming lotion...

TJ -   And crawl inside a soft cocoon. And pet my peaceful pet raccoon. Now it's time to metamorphosize.

alex - and...

mallory - ok how the fUCK DO YOU KNOW RHETt and link bUT NOT PHAN, TJ???

TJ - idk

alex - gAH whatever

alex - this isn't the last of alex fierro, bitches

alex - bye, anti pepe lovers

magnus - ...should i get sam

blitz - nah give her space 

mallory - wE ARE NUMBER ONE HEY WE ARE NUMBER ONE--

hearth - i cant

hearth - bye

mallory - but we still have memes to talk about!!!

magnus - this is getting emotional,....let's just go XD

blitz - agreed

blitz - bye

mallory - bye

Chapter Text

TJ-  guys ive got a question

TJ - HOW DOES A BASTARD, ORPHAN, SON OF A WHORE AND A SCOTSMAN DROPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF A FORGOTTEN SPOT IN THE CARIBBEAN BY PROVIDENCE IMPOVERISHED, IN SQUALOR, GROW UP TO BE A HERO AND A SCHOLAR?

mallory - NOOO HE'S DOING IT AGAIN

alex - i dont get it

hearth - what is this shit

TJ -  THE TEN DOLLAR

magnus - what??

TJ - FOUNDING FATHER WITHOUT A FATHER

magnus - ohhh this is that one musical thing

magnus - about alexander hamilton

alex - who

hearth - exactly

TJ - GOT A LOT FARTHER BY WORKING A LOT HARDER BY BEING A LOT SMARTER BY FOURTEEN THEY PLACED HIM IN CHARGE OF A TRADING CHARTER

halfborn - he does this all the time

magnus - why i haven't i noticed?

mallory - you're lucky enough to not be in his presence while he does this

TJ - I can't help it!!! THE MUSICAL'S CATCHY

blitz - didnt think ud be a musical person

TJ - BRAH IT'S COOL HISTORY

TJ - I mean history is cool to me

TJ - even though it's not really history to me

TJ - you know. i also like dear evan hansen...and bmc....sometimes heathers....

alex - .....wow he's an actual fanboy

mallory - duh

TJ - so maggie

alex - only i call him maggie

TJ - u like Hamilton?

magnus - never really listened to it

mallory - you made a mistake

halfborn - here it comes....

TJ - WHAT???

magnus - oops

TJ - YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO IT IT'S SO GOOD MAN IT'LL CHANGE YOUR LIFE FKLSDJBFSDJKFHBSDKJBFHDSFKBHSDBHDSFSDFHSDFHKSDBVGFJHS

mallory - tj hon

mallory - your words don't make sense

alex - dont worry i do it all the time man

TJ -  SORRY ICANT HELP IT I LCVOE IT D SO MUCVH 

mallory - he dragged us into the fandom

halfborn - kind of, i mean we like it but it's annoying when he sings it 24/7

mallory - on the battle field he'd be like:

mallory - "IM NOT THROWING AWAY MY SHOT" and "THE CODE WORD IS ROCHAMBEAU, DIG ME??"

alex - ...

halfborn - mal

halfborn - i hope you know what you just did

mallory - i realized my mistake

magnus - i think ik where this is going

TJ - IMMA GET A SCHOLARSHIP TO KING'S COLLEGE

alex - oh brother

TJ - I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BRAG BUT DAG I AMAZE AND ASTONISH

mallory - gROANN

TJ - THE PROBLEM IS I GOT A LOT OF BRAINS BUT NO POLISH

jack  - I GOTTA HOLLER JUST TO BE HEARD WITH EVERY WORD I DROP KNOWLEDGE

magnus - ???

hearth - you guys are weird

TJ - JACCKKK????

TJ - YOU KNOW HAMILTON?????

jack - UH DUH WHO DOESN'T??????

hearth - deaf people

blitz - smh

TJ - AHHHHHHHHHH OMGGGG

magnus - oh so now you want to hang out w/ us

jack - shush senior im busy

TJ - What's your fave song???

jack - oh man

jack - where do i begin??

TJ - ikr!

mallory - *nerds*

jack - i like Alexander Hamilton, Aaron Burr Sir, My Shot, Satisfied--Man, i love satisfied--

TJ - :D :D :D

jack - i love Non-Stop, The Room Where It Happens, What'd I Miss, Yorktown, umm all of them

TJ - How about

TJ - HISTORY HAS IT'S EYYYYYYES ON YOUUUU

jack - yes!

mallory - i want to leave

mallory - why am i not leaving

alex - i admit im curious ,, should i listen to it

TJ - YESS!!!!

jack - guys ive been gone for 2 hours

jack - SO WHAT'D I MISS???

halfborn - NOOOO STOP

jack - u mean nonstop? GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY, IM CURIOUS, BEAR WITH ME--

jack - i need to finish the other wait one sec

jack - WHAT'D I MISS? VA MY HOME SWEET HOME

magnus - guys

magnus - should i listen to Hamilton

jack - YEAS

TJ - JKNDFJSDBFSJ YESSSS ITLL DESTROY YOUR LIFE 

jack - welcome to HamilHell

jack - see what i did there

TJ - lmao

alex - ...

jack - wait where were we

TJ - oh right

TJ - IM A DIAMON IN THE ROUGH, A SHINY PIECE OF COAL TRYNA REACH MY GOAL MY POWER OF SPEECH UNIMPEACHABLE

jack - ONLY NINETEEN BUT MY MIND IS OLDER

blitz - im just gonna leave

hearth - same

jack - wHATEVER WE DONT NEED YOU

TJ - DSFBHSDFHFSDKJ

magnus - are you ok

TJ - SORRY BUT ALL THE HAMILFEELS ARE HITTING ME

magnus - im sorry but do you fans actually put "hamil" in front of everything

TJ - pretty much

TJ - MY HEART ,,,, OMG PHILIP AND LAURENS AND BURR AND ELIZA AND ANGELICA

TJ - AND PEGGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

magnus - i dont get it

alex - neither do i 

sam - hey guys

mallory - WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN

jack - UH, FRANCE

mallory - SHUT UP

TJ - sam which hamilton song should we sing

sam - aaron burr sir

sam - i like that one

alex - for real you know this musical too

sam - yeah tj dragged me into it and now i cant stop listening to it :3 i listen to it NON STOP

halfborn - yep that's it kill me bye

mallory - same

mallory - bye

sam - PARDON ME ARE YOU AARON BURR, SIR??

jack - THAT DEPENDS WHO'S ASKING??

TJ - OH WELL SURE SIR

magnus - alex...

alex - maggie...

magnus - we're the only survivors...

alex - let's just run

magnus - ok

magnus - wait we can just log out of the chat

alex - WELL DUH I DIDNT MEAN LITERALLY

alex - imma listen to hamilton tho

alex - hbu

magnus - sure

 

 

Chapter Text

magnus - GUYS

magnus - I NEED HELP

magnus - IM STARVINNGG

alex - wtf is it now

sam - you keep complaining about everything just stop

magnus - IM HUNGRY

hearth - then eat something, you fucking dork

magnus - I HAVE NOTHING

alex - stop being melodramatic and eat some damn falafel

magnus - falafel  = my EVERYTHING

alex - oml

magnus - and, at the moment...

magnus - I HAVE NOTHING DOES THAT RING A BELL SDJ,FBSDKJFBSJKADBSDJKFBHAJK

blitz - so... you can't find any falafel?

magnus - NO AND I FEEL LIKE DEATH

magnus - LIKE

magnus - THIS IS A SIGN THAT RAGNAROK IS COMIN YALL

alex - all of this shit over some falafel

alex - a new low for you maggie

magnus - gUYYS

sam - call up amir!

magnus - HE PUNISHED ME THATS WHY I HAVE NO FALAFEL 

magnus - WHY ARE YOU GUYS JUST NOTICING IM DYING HERE

TJ - what did i walk in on

magnus - dONT TEST ME JEFZ

TJ - holy shit wtf

sam - he's being difficult

hearth - falafel issues

TJ - ah

alex - bc that explains everything

TJ - can i help

magnus - let me see

magnus - do you have a never ending supply of falafel?

TJ - er, no

magnus - do you know where any falafel is

TJ - no

magnus - have you ever even tried falafel?

TJ - ....no

magnus - THEN NO TJ YOU CVANT FUICJSNG HWEDLP

alex - hon calm down your insane is showing

magnus - IS NOT

blitz - yes it is

blitz - also who does amir think he is???

blitz - only hearth and i can punish you

hearth - we would never take away your falafel too so

magnus - I NEED FALALFELLLL *sobs*

alex - brah calm tf down

magnus - ICANTINEEDFSLLAFLEL

TJ - Jesus Christ

hearth - our poor child

magnus - *sniffles*

magnus - sam?

sam - yes?

magnus - on your date w/ amir...

magnus - did u get falafel?

sam - um....

sam - no

alex - she's lying

magnus - wut

sam - sHUT UP ALEX

alex - she hid it so you wouldnt eat it

sam - ALEX.

heart - lol busted

magnus - FIRST AMIR AND NOW YOU????? AHHHH *sobs* well at least ik you guys had a great date :^(

sam - yeah it was lovely he complimented my hijab and everything

blitz - knew it, you're welcome btw

sam - dude im sorry

sam - do you want me to call amir?

magnus - yES I NEED FALAFEL

alex - how long has it been since you've had falafel?

magnus - like

magnus - two hours

alex - holy freaking freya

sam - ok hes on the phone rn

magnus - AMIR I HAVE SOME WORDS FOR YOU I NEED SOME FTEAKINFG LDSFLDG FALALFEL

alex - "falalfel"

magnus - sorry i cant type ort rgibk think porep porpeltly

alex - ok....

alex - also u realize he can't hear you right

magnus - ik :"(

hearth - eat a fucking cookie

magnus - HEARTHSTONE I DONT EAN T A SD=RFDRJKGSDJKLFNDL

alex - im guessing he doesnt want a cookie

blitz - Kid. Listen to your mother for crying out loud

magnus - MAKE MEEEE

magnus - I WANT FALAFEL

hearth - i dont tolerate this kind of behavior. calm tf down

alex - this mom got sass

blitz - lol yeah

blitz - magnus, amir is going to come to his senses.

blitz - also i have some of my own words to share w/ him. no one punishes my child but me

hearth - ....and me

blitz - right

magnus - i've always loved moms better

blitz - gee thanks

hearth - (insert halo)

alex - how long is the punishment?

magnus - TWO WHOLE FREAKING DAYS

magnus - JFGJNFGNJDFNJDFNJDFBJHDFBJHSBJHSBJHDFBJHSDBJHSDBHDFBHSABHSDHBSDVGASVGSDGSDHBVKSDVGJSDFGHSDHBDBHDFBHSDHBDFSGHSDFGHSDZSDVGJDFSVGSDFVJGHDVSJVFSGVFSDJVFGSJ

TJ - I can help you get through this ,, ive been through worse

TJ - wanna try weasel soup?

magnus - I DONT WANT YOUR RODENT SOUP THOMAS

alex - i dont think weasels are rodents, magnus

magnus - DOES IT LOOK LIKE I GIVE A SHIT

alex - damn im missing an episode of I Am Jazz for this shit

sam - ok i talked to amir...

magnus - WHAT DIDID THEHER HE SISAYY SAY

magnus - WUT DID HE SAY????

sam - hold up im getting there

sam - he said he's going to join the chat

magnus -jhbsejbfksdjbfdfjkbhsdkjbsddfkjbhjkdbvjhvdsjhyrtg4e7irtw76857eyrufyawudhkbgsor

amir - hey

alex - please help us

blitz - WHY YOU PUNISH MY KID

hearth - ONLY WE CAN DO THAT

blitz - YEAH

hearth - YEAH

blitz - XD What even is this

hearth - idk lol 

magnus - GAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSPPPPPPP

magnus - AMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIR

magnus - you have excplainfg to dod son

amir - not your son

TJ - SICK the video game DOOM REF!!!

jack - YEAH BRUH

sam - guys shut up real quick

sam - thx xx

amir - ik this is hard on you, magnus

alex - pfft hard on him? it's hard on me this boy is stressing me out

magnus -JDFBJKSDHBFSKJDDBSKJ DUHHHHHHHH

amir - but it's for your own good

hearth - wait what did he even do?

magnus - nOTHING MOTHER IM AN INNOCENT CHILD

hearth - mmhmmmmmm

blitz - boi

amir - he stole falafel from me!

alex - om freaking goodness

alex - sam

alex - how can you live w/ these two?

sam - well im stuck w/ both so i have no choice

magnus - rude

magnus - this is not the type of respect a guy who needs falafel deserves

hearth - serves you right for stealing tho

alex - agreed

magnus - I AM JUDGE

magnus - JURY

magnus - AND THEIF

sam - no, it's thief

sam - i before e, except after c

magnus - thceif

sam - ...no wth?

alex - lol

TJ - are you sure you're ok we can listen to the video game DOOM and forget about this nonsense

magnus - sorry i cant throw away my shot

jack - #slayedthat

sam - dont encourage him

amir - ahem

amir - anyways

amir - you must learn not to steal 

magnus - IK BETTER NOW

blitz - do you

hearth - do you really

magnus - SHUSH MOMS

blitz - IM A DAD

hearth - IM THE ONE AND ONLY MOM

TJ - ok for real this is tearing us apart

TJ - can we just all chill

magnus - OKAY FINE

magnus - Amir, I'm sorry 

magnus - I really am

magnus - i didn't mean to steal it's just........

magnus - i didnt do it for me

sam - what

alex - wut

hearth - wut

blitz - what

amir - huh

jack - GASPP NO WAY

magnus - i wanted to give the falafel for someone else

hearth - no really what

magnus - IM FOR REAL

sam - ok 

sam - who was it for?

jack - oml frick 

jack - ik

jack - tell maggiee

alex - dont call him maggie

magnus - ALEX

alex - what?

magnus - no i mean i answered the question

blitz - this whole entire time you did it for alex

TJ - aww relationship goals

alex - what? why?

magnus - idk..

magnus - thought it would be nice

magnus - had to thank you for hanging out w/ me,...and...ish

alex - aw!

alex - that's ??? sweet????

blitz - AWW KID IM ACTUALLY TEARING UP

hearth - omg he really is lmao

hearth - #friendshipgoals

hearth - kind of *not really* *scarves are the best gifts*

blitz - yay <3

amir - well....

alex - ty maggie

magnus - np

amir - you still stole from me

blitz - OMG JUST GIVE MY SON SOME FALAFEL

amir - but...

amir - ...i guess since you werent being selfish

amir - ...you're off punishment

magnus - :^)

magnus - thanks

magnus - now plz give me falafel

sam - sighs

sam - i'll give you the rest of mine

magnus - you had it the whole time

sam - ....unimportant

blitz - ok but for real you cant punish my child

amir - i want a share in custody

magnus - are we really having this conversation??

hearth - yeah

hearth - no thank you

amir - worth a shot

amir - i'll just be the weird fiance that somehow immediately got accepted into the family

sam - ...you ARE that weird fiance

amir - oh yeah

amir - lol

TJ - well now that's over...

TJ - what now

alex - idk but magnus and i have to rlly talk

alex - after he eats his falafel, of course

**TIME SKIP**

sam - i gave him his falafel

hearth - he's freaking out isn't he?

sam - uh huh

blitz - typical

magnus - YASSS!!!!!!!!

magnus - THIS IS HOW BAD BITCHES EAT FALAFEL

magnus - YOU BITCHES CAN'T EVEN SPELL FALAFEL!!!!!

alex - yeah we can dude

jack - lmao XD 

hearth - he did not make that reference

TJ - oh but he did

hearth - :p

hearth - my fam is officially crazy

blitz - and dorkish

hearth - you're the biggest dork

blitz - thanks dork

hearth - np dork

alex - nah magnus is the biggest dork

TJ - agreed

alex - welp

alex - i need to talk w/ you magnus

magnus - are you going to kill me because i ate your falafel?

alex - no

magnus - are you going to kill me because i was acting stupid?

alex - dude im not going to kill you

magnus - oh

magnus - yay :")

amir - you're lucky i gave you that

amir - gtg byeee

Chapter Text

mallory - no one fucking talk to me

magnus - omg wtf happened

halfborn - no one talk to me either unless u wanna die tomorrow

magnus - ??? seriously

magnus - what's going on

alex - man you must have not been paying attention today during battle, mango

magnus - IM NOT A MANGO

hearth - mango cheese

magnus - shush mom

TJ - guys!! we can work things out!

jack - HSM ref?

TJ - ...no

jack - oh

alex - ..... Wait High School Musical!!??

magnus - im legit confused

jack - it's the musical where like the basketbakll player & goodie goodie fall in love

magnus - nOT THAT

magnus - why are we working things out what happened

TJ - basically...

TJ - we were @ the battlefield and Mal and Halfborn made a bet

alex - a really stupid bet, i must say

TJ - and none of them won so they're pissed about that

mallory - probs wouldn't have happened if you guys just listened to me!!!

halfborn - bruh we did you just have bad communication skills

mallory - I HAVE BAD COMMUNICATION SKILLS?? I literally said "go left and hide behind the bush" HOW HARD IS THAT

halfborn - YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD US TO CHARGE IT WAS THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY

mallory - YEAH

mallory - TO DIE

sam - omg you guys are so immature

mallory - well what would have you done??

sam - don't drag me into this i wasn't even there

blitz - smh can yall just stop

TJ - ANYWAYS

TJ - let's look on the bright side

jack - OKAY I'M THE BRIGHT SIDE!

alex - ...

magnus - ....

halfborn - ....

hearth - ....

jack - ...bc i can light up

magnus - i can glow too you're not special

jack - insert sad face

TJ - the bright side is

TJ - that

TJ - um

magnus - there's not a bright side, is there?

TJ - no not really

otis - hey guys

magnus - ????

magnus - where tf did you come from?

jack - oH HEY BUDDY!! How ya been?

otis - good

mallory - who's this

blitz - a goat

mallory - ?

hearth - duh

hearth - smh

otis - im thor's goat

alex - haven't seen ya since the wedding incident

otis - dont remind me

magnus - why you here, buddy?

mallory - ok but no one's confused on how a goat frickin came into our group chat???

TJ - this is normal, mal

alex - keep up

mallory - -.-

otis - my therapist told me that socializing could help my emotional state

otis - so she told me to hang out w/ people you like

otis - so...

otis - hello biotic creatures of the earth

alex - well this is depressing

TJ - Hi!

TJ - how are you?

otis - eh, need something to chew on

blitz - howd you get an electronic device?

otis - thor

otis - duh

magnus - isn't he watching Jessica Jones

otis - binge watched the whole series in a few days

otis - now he's trying to watch the lego batman movie

alex - omg what? XD

otis - ikr

sam - how's..marvin?

otis - oh 

otis - he's dead rn

otis - last i checked he was being sarcastic and listening to rock music

jack - like his taste but i prefer pop

otis - nothing's new rlly

otis - like everything else in my depressingly immortal life //sighs//

mallory - wow that's sad

otis - you guys are my friends right

TJ - Of course!

magnus - totally dude

mallory - not promising anything

alex - well you said i looked good in a wedding dress so we're chill

otis - cool

otis - how are you guys?

magnus - imma mango apparently

alex - angsty teen as usual

mallory - could be better

halfborn - eh

sam - okay

TJ - Excited!

blitz - tired

hearth - hungry

otis - so nothing's changed

sam - nope not really lmao

otis - sorry im not good at this social interaction thing

magnus - neither am i ur cool bro

alex - we can help

alex - what causes you to be awkward in a situation involving people?

otis - well

otis - im a goat

blitz - touché

otis - plus i always mention death

hearth - huh...interesting.

blitz - fits your personality

otis - like, how come we're even alive? What's the meaning of life? Do we not all question and contemplate the rationality of existence? What if we're all just twiddling our thumbs until death? Is life even meaningful? What if we're all in comas rn? What if this isn't real life? What's the meaning of life if we're trapped in an internal state of darkness in the abyss we call our souls?

everyone - ......................

hearth - and i thought i've had depressing thoughts

blitz - well,,,, you know ,,,,

blitz - we may contemplate all we want but that's not going to change anything

blitz - we should just let go of the image of existence and focus on what matters most

blitz - like who we are today, who we're going to be tomorrow and in the future, ect.

blitz - wow i can't even think straight after that

hearth - hon

hearth - you can never think straight

mallory - lol

blitz - lol true hon

otis - wow

otis - i feel?? better??? what is this rising sensation in my soul??? i feel kind of??fuzzyish???

alex - it's called happiness

hearth - dont worry i didn't know how it felt like either

otis - is it really happiness???

alex - it's either that or you're going to throw up

mallory - or have a heartattack

TJ - wow you guys rlly can't be positive

magnus - do you guys ever fear death?

sam - seriously magnus

sam - we just got off this topic

magnus - no but for real!!

otis - why fear what's confirmed to happen

otis - not like you can stop it

otis - everything's going to die someday

hearth - fun

alex - great now here comes the sarcasm train

magnus - ...she says in a sarcastic tone

TJ - lol train

alex - shut up mango

alex - also u know ur already dead

magnus - ik

magnus - but still

blitz - pfft that's a problem we mortals don't understand .. can we talk about something else

alex - and don't say life

alex - or death

alex - or barnyard gossip

otis - aw

otis - i was gonna tell you about this one donkey's pregnancy

magnus - yeah no thanks

sam - welp bye

mallory - bye

halfborn - bye

otis - where you guys going???

everyone except magnus - bye

otis - ........

magnus - don't worry they wished u luck dude

otis - ok

otis - did i get better at socializing?

magnus - yep, sure!

magnus - more importantly, do you feel better?

otis - huh

magnus - is that a yes or,,,

otis - i do feel better 

otis -  thnx mango

magnus - np

magnus - if ya wanna hang just ask

otis - can u send me chocolate

magnus - sure

magnus - bye bye goat dude

otis - byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

otis - MARVIN STFU IM COMIN

magnus - u dont have to keep typing

otis - oh right

otis - bye mango

magnus - that's it imma just change my name to mango -.-

Chapter Text

alex - so

mallory - so

magnus - wut

alex - how's our favorite married couple doing

blitz - we're not married

blitz - *yet*

alex - i would complain but i wanna see the wedding

halfborn - it better be 100% better than YOUR wedding

alex - don't fucking call it my wedding bc it really wasn't

hearth - we're fine ^-^

alex - yay

magnus - i heard you guys tried to make cookies the other day

hearth - yeah thank goodness we didn't almost burn down the house lmao

blitz - i swear i can't really cook for shit

blitz - unless it's pancakes

mallory - wait so we're going to be talking about these two dorks for the next hour

mallory - sign me tf up

hearth - anyways

hearth - they were chocolate chip cookies

alex - i mean of fucking course isn't chocolate your type

jack - LOL IM NEVER LETTING THAT GO

alex - SAME

mallory - oMG YES

blitz - guys,,

blitz - stahp 

hearth - well i mean it's true ,,they're never going to stop

magnus - neverrr

alex - shush mango

magnus - .....

magnus has changed his name to mango

hearth - well damn

mango - bc u guys wont shut up about it

alex - i dare you to keep your name as mango for the next 500 years of your life

mango - if we live that long

mallory - good point

alex - well anywayssss

alex - any new pastel ish

blitz - yes i bought him a pastel hat

hearth - and a pastel scarf

blitz - ...and we share the scarf

hearth - we share pretty much everything, except clothes

blitz - good point

mango - i 

mango - need

mango - to

mallory - get laid

mango - wtf no

blitz - mallory

mallory - yes

blitz - what is wrong with you

jack - redheads

jack - what can i say

mallory - jack

mallory - stfu before i stab you

jack - but im a sword

mallory - a defenseless sword

alex - i don't think that's true, mal

hearth - why are we talking about redheads and.. getting laid??

blitz - idk buddy. guys can we please just go on to a different topic

mango - ok like i was trying to say before i was rudely interrupted by Redface McCoy

mallory - what the fuck does that mean

mango - i need to see my elf mom in pastel or else face my wrath

jack  - of falafel?

mango - of falafel

alex - of course, it's always fucking falafel

hearth - oh mango child

hearth - in ur dreams

alex - OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

mallory - lmao

blitz - gASPPPP

blitz - //tears up// 11/10 perfection hon <3 <3

mango - why are moms so sassy

hearth - idk why are kids so annoying

blitz - my heart might burst from all the sass omggg

alex - aw he's proud of his bf

blitz - Duh <3

mango - what the actual fuck is this pick on magnus day

jack - that's everyday

mallory - ikr

alex - totally

mango - no fair

sam - what did i miss

sam - sWEAR TO ALLAH IF TJ MAKES A HAMILTON REFERENCE IM GOING TO STEAL HIS BAYONET AND SHOOT MYSELF

alex - well least you'll be at Valhalla,,,

mallory - nah he's not here

sam - thank Allah

jack -  but I AMMMMMMMM

sam - no

mango - we're having a blitzstone fest here @ this group chat

mallory named the group chat blitzstone fest

alex - why didn't we do this sooner

mallory - i have no idea

mango - sam they're picking on me

sam - shush i want blitzstone now

mango - ;-;

alex - give us blitzstone or give us deeeaaaathhhh

alex - and new dan and phil videos

alex - but that doesn't matter rn

blitz - ok i dont want death in this group chat so i'll give you what you want

blitz - if that's ok w/ Hearthstone

hearth - it's fine ^u^

sam - you guys are so sweet oml

blitz - duh

blitz - hearth is my lil dork <3

hearth - you're the dork, dork

blitz - ik

blitz - but you're more of a dork

hearth - nu uh

blitz - uhhuh

hearth - silly

blitz - adorable

hearth - that's not fair 

blitz - sure it is

hearth - pfft

hearth - crazy

blitz - breathtaking

hearth - oMGG STOP IM DYING

mallory - awwww he can't handle the compliments smh they're so beautiful

alex - siiiiigh i really want to be at their wedding

mango - i better be the best man ok or im going to go into a dark abyss of falafel

mango - wow that actually sounds like my soul

sam - what soul

mango - huh good point

alex - maggie you're a cinnamon roll but fr stahp blitzstone is happening

mango - OKAY HON

alex - what did you call me

mango - umm NUN BECAUSE YOU'RE SO HOLY

mallory - omfg so fucking smooth mango

mango - plz don't kill me

hearth - blitz

blitz - yes buddy?

hearth - you're gorgeous too

blitz - okay but you're legit my model soo you're much more gorgeous

jack - for helheim's sake you're both gorgeous

alex - are u bi jack

jack - n0

jack - im pan lmao

alex - plz change ur name to panjackexual

jack - ok

jack changed his name to panjackexual

panjackexual - this suits me

alex - yay

hearth - roses are red

hearth - violets are blue

hearth - there's nothing more gorgeous in this world than you

panjackexual - aw thanks

hearth - ??

hearth - not u stupid

panjackexual - oh

blitz - aww!!!! <3 <3 that was so sweet!!! love you so much hon

mallory - all the sweetness in this chat is making my teeth rot omggg

alex - im not complaining

blitz - do you guys have a band aid?

blitz - bc i just tripped falling for my best friend again <3

hearth - omg <3

hearth - i was feeling a little bit off today, then you had to just turn me on

mallory - HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS ARE SO GOOD AT PICKUP LINES??? AND FLIRTING IN GENERAL?

hearth - take notes mango

alex - ooh burn

panjackexual - oohhh

mango - hey alex

alex - yes

mango - did it hurt when you fell from heaven

mango - because if you're in the same place as me i assume it's hell

mango - and i can't do long-distance relationships

sam - OMG

jack - OMG

mallory - WHAT THE ACTUAL FRICKITTY FRACK

blitz - KID 

blitz - YOU'RE A GENIUS

hearth - wow that's the coolest thing you've said in...forever

panjackexual - wait no one's going to mention that joke was actually v self-deprecating and not really for flirting usage

mallory - tf u know jack u cant even stay in a relationship

blitz - im certain of that just as much as im certain of my love for hearth <3

hearth - gosshhh im blushing <3

alex - OuO

alex - @ mango wAS THAT A DAN HOWELL REFERENCE?? sign me tf up

mallory - what the actual fuck just happened

mango - IT WAS OMG

alex - fucking

alex - marry me

mango - OMG REALLY???? DSJKBSDFKJSBDKJSDBSDKJFS

mallory - OMG FIERROCHASE HAPPENED????

hearth - GUYS

hearth - we're talking about me and blitz rn stfu

alex - ahem sorry

alex - just got

alex - carried away

sam - this whole thing surprised the fuck out of me

sam - excuse my cussing

mango - well i feel like i just died

alex - why?

alex - because you see an angel? /strikes pose/

hearth - im fucking done

mallory - omg yESSSS

mango - O//O

blitz - the angel is hearth don't know wtf you guys are talking about

hearth - aww <3 love u

blitz - love u too

sam - ok this is a straight up battle

alex - whoever makes the best pickup line/has the best flirting next wins the group chat title?

hearth - i mean we're already the title and the power couple so let's go bitch

mango - deal

sam - ok

sam - someone say something and we'll judge

hearth - i like my men how i like my coffee

hearth - chocolate, warm, and in my bed every morning

blitz - PRAISE THE BEST DAMN PERSON IN THE WHOLE NINE WORLDS AKA MY BEST FRIEND THAT I ADORE

blitz - he won FIGHT ME BITCHES

alex - yeah he won

panjackexual - totally

mango - 100%

sam - they are officially the best married couple

sam - i dont care if they're not actually married

mango - this seems like a good time to stop the group chat

alex - totally

panjackexual - BAI GUYS

 

 

Chapter Text

jack - guys

jack - guys?

jack - gUYS

jack- yo

jack - where is everyone

jack - im suffering alone

jack - guuuuuyysssss

jack - icant sleep

jack - also i cant get Dan Howell's diss track out of my head

jack - or Britney Spears

jack - ....or Brendan Urie singing "i'll make a man out of you"

jack - i was gonna watch Adventure Time but 

jack - magnus stole the remote and idk where he put it

jack - why do you guys play annoying music

jack - tj won't shut up about hamilton

jack - i mean britney is ok

jack - but where's ur Beyonce spirit????

jack - hOUSTON, TEXAS BBY

jack - speaking of which

jack - texas is awesome i went there before with frey

jack - long story but if u guys were here you'd tell me to shut up

jack - im bored and suffering quietly

jack - kind of

jack - also Voltron Legendary Defender s3 iS ALREADY OUT aND YOU GUYS AREN'T LETTING ME WATCH IT

jack - i'M DYING HEREEEE

jack - ....

jack - hello

jack - guyd

jack - *guys

jack - please

jack - im begging

jack - talk to meeee

jack - im not sleepy and i stayed up drinking coffee so

jack - im never getting sleep now

jack - i wonder what jeremy shada's favorite tv show is

jack - like would he rather watch vld or adventure time???

jack - wAIT I JUST REALIZED

jack - im alone

jack - this can be my advantage

jack - omg

jack - ok let's talk shit about people

jack - kind of

jack - i guess

jack - ok magnus at least u dont look like kurt cobain

jack - but you still dont dress cool enough

jack - like what even is your fashion sense (holy freya i sound like blitz aBORT MISSION)

jack - no fr are you done figuring out ur sexuality

jack - or do u still refuse to admit your crush on alex

jack - boy you need to learn how to fight

jack - at this point a telephone pole could beat u in a fight

jack - next is sam

jack - sam,,,let's see

jack - um

jack - you need to chill

jack - just stop worrying about everything

jack - chill

jack - and you're that annoying sister that like

jack - ..chaperones too much

jack - idk there's not much to say about you you're pretty flawless

jack - alex--

jack - nope not going there you'd beat me up in ur sleep

jack - you'd fine me and attack me The Shining style

jack - wait did they even attack ppl

jack - idk i saw the movie once

jack - aNYWAYS

jack - wow the only person i can actually talk shit about and not get hurt afterwards is magnus

jack - lololololololo

jack - ok hearth

jack - u just need to eat more buddy you're going to blow away one day when it's v windy

jack - also what the fuck even is your aesthetic

jack - like first it's emo (and v gay)

jack - and then ur wearing pastels

jack - i mean like

jack - u look good in pastels but still

jack - omg would i look good in pastels??

alex - jACK

alex - sTAHP

jack - oH HEY ALEX

jack - THANK GOODNESS SOMEONE CAME AND SAVED ME

alex - i didnt come to fucking save you im here to tell you to shut the fuck up because i dont remember how to put this stupid fucking chat on silent and you are saying all this ridiculous shit about literally nothing important just go the fuck to SLEEP

jack - gosh someone's grumpy

sam - what the helheim are you guys doing up so late

mango - ello m8s

alex - what's with the fucking accent

mango - idk

jack - hey u still have ur name as mango

mango - duh

mango - i never back out of a dare

sam - guys

sam - legit what's going on

jack - i cant sleep

alex - no fucking shIT I HAD NO CLUE

jack - yea she's grumpy

alex - im thiS CLOSE to strangling him

mango - can you strangle a sword

alex - shut the fuck up magnus im not in the mood

mango - ok honey

alex- what did u call me

mango - um i said honey

alex - ...

mango - why

alex - sam can we kill both of them?

sam - no

alex - damn

jack - can u plz help me pass time

sam - fine

alex - ugh

mango - ....mmmmm

mango - ok

jack - im going to give everyone a summary of their lives

jack - magnus = a black abyss of falafel and chaos

mango - that's accurate

jack - alex = emo trash fangirl that will fight you

alex - yay

jack - sam = I'm Too Good For This Shit™

sam - lol yep

jack - blitz = fashion and coffee and hearth and fashion and hearth and...hearth

alex - more like stress, fashion & hearth but yeah

jack - hearth = .....um...

jack - sarcasm & gayness

mango - love that

sam - part of his aesthetic afterall

alex - gasp speaking of which

alex - i have an evil plan 

alex - uknow how blitz made hearth wear pastels

jack - yeah

mango - im listening

sam - cool...

alex - thATS NOT WHERE IT ENDS FHSDBGHSDBFSDGH

jack - this was worth staying up

sam - yay!!

mango - //tears up// mY MOMMIES GOING TO ROCK SOME MORE STYLE HELL YEAH

alex - welp by bitches

alex has left the group chat

sam - bye jack and mango

sam has left the group chat

mango - welp

jack - just u and me now, buddy

mango - nope bye

jack - wha???

mango - i promise if u let me leave we'll watch the whole season 3 of Voltron tomorrow

jack - ooh yay !

mango has left the group chat

jack - yayyyYYY

jack - also

jack - i have to do this

jack - A ELLA LE GUSTA LA GASOLINAAAA

jack - DAME MAS GASOLINA

jack - COME LE ENCANTA LA GASOLINAAAA

jack - DAME MAS GASOLIIIIINAAA

jack - ok that's all

jack has left the group chat

jack - bYEEEEEE

 

Chapter Text

alex - hEY GUYS

blitz - i already regret this

mango - yo

mallory - what is this?

sam - omg is this your secret plan?

jack - eeEEK IF IT IS YAYYAYAYA

mango - wait what secret plan?????

blitz - yep i regret this

alex - oh but you wont ;))))

hearth - wtf is that winky face

hearth - wHY IS THERE A WINKY FACE

mallory - lol i love how we're all freaking out about this

mallory - ooh let me get TJ

alex - yes he needs to witniss this

mango - im so confused

alex - heehhehehhee

blitz - im scared

hearth - me too

TJ has joined the group chat

TJ - oh hey guuyyys!!! How are you? :)

sam - this sunshine child is not prepared

mango - i thought i was the sunshine child

hearth - you're OUR sunshine child

hearth - as in blitz and i's

mango - yay i feel loved <3

mallory - wait, sam, u know what alex is talking about?

sam - barely

sam - hearth, run

hearth - WHAT????

jack - ehheehehhehe

hearth - WHAT THE FRICK DOES THAT MEAN

hearth - LOG OFF??? WHAT'S GOINGTO HAPPEN

blitz - what are u planning? leave my elf alone <3

alex - bruh dont be melodramatic it's all chill

hearth - pfft like im going to trust you know ur planning something weird

alex - calm tf down

alex - i just want to introduce you to a new aesthetic

alex - blitz is going to support this, don't worry

hearth - dont you think i changed my aesthetic enough w/ the pastels

mango - technically that was a one-time thing

hearth - sHUT UP CHILD

blitz - wait really? i'll support your plan? now im curious

alex - it's fashion related

blitz - oohhh yeassss

hearth - uGHH

hearth - bliiiitz

hearth - whyyyyy

blitz - oh shush hon you haven't even heard the plan yet ^u^

hearth - ugh fine i'll listen

hearth - only bc of blitz tho

jack - YYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYA

mallory - do you know this plan??

jack - barely

TJ - ooh yay i love aesthetic changes!!! they get v interesting

TJ - i should know bc i had to "modernize" mine

mallory - i mean

mallory - who wants one with bayonets, the American flag and some poor american shit

mallory - i mean it's cool and yay history but really you need to step up your standards to be part of this squad

mango - great we're a squad now

mango - an aesthetic squad

sam - yep

alex - okkk now with my plan

alex - i gave you guys pastel!hearth

blitz - more like I gave everyone pastel!hearth??

me - nah bitches that was all me i created this story

alex - and now i introduce you to

alex - PINK!HEARTH

jack - YEEESSSS!!!!!!!!!

mango - omg this needs to happen

mallory - lol that might be wishful thinking

TJ - Cool!

hearth - wHAT??????????

hearth - PINK????????

hearth - but??????

hearth - ??????

alex - ok ik it's not really your style bUT I CAN SEE IT IT'LL LOOK GOOD ON YOU RIGHT BLITZ

blitz - this is honestly the best fucking idea ever

blitz - That would be adorable!!!!! <3 <3

hearth - gAHH

hearth - idk how i feel about this

blitz - oh please it'll look good on you!!!

alex - yeah take his word he's the fashion expert

hearth - he thinks eVERYTHING LOOKS GOOD ON ME

blitz - i mean

blitz - you're gorgeous no matter what

blitz - but green and gold i REFUSE to put on you

alex - ahhhh im a genius

mango - please do this mom this is going to make my dAYY :^)

TJ - YES DO IT IF YOU DO IT I'LL DO IT

mallory - omg double pink boys im in

jack - mORE LIKE TRIPLE COUNT ME IN TOOO

sam - I'm so excited

hearth - dbfhhdbfshdfbhdfbhdbhsdbhdfbhdksbh

sam - give him time to process this

blitz - pleeeeaasssseeee baaaaaabe

blitz - for meeeeeee

hearth - ugh

hearth - fine

hearth - assholes

mango - YAY THANKS MOMMY

hearth - shut up child

mango - ily

hearth - //sighs// ily too

jack - YEEEESSS

mallory - whoop whoop!!!!

TJ - my life feel complete

mango - not yet i need to be u @ mario kart

TJ - OOH YES LEZ GO

mango has left the group chat

TJ has left the group chat

hearth - fine just leave me mango i see how it is

alex - that was fun

hearth - you love to torture me dont you

alex - yes but that's because ily

alex - peace

alex has left the group chat

sam - bye :)

hearth - i hate you too

sam - lol

sam has left the group chat

mallory - i had no say in this so dont come after me

hearth - im not promising

mallory has left the group chat

jack - im going to sabotage magnus's game w/ tj

jack has left the group chat

hearth - what the fuck just happened

blitz - idk but i need to help alex buy some pink clothing for you

blitz - bye gorgeous <3

hearth - kill me rn

Chapter Text

alex renamed the group chat IT HAPPENED Y'ALL

alex - gUYYYYYS DFJBDKFJBHDFJKBFSKJ

TJ - YO WHAT HAPPENED WHAT DID I MISS WHERE ARE WE WHAT'S GOING ON

mallory - gasp has the day come

jack - iVE BEEN WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE FOR THIS

mango - more like a week but yeah same lmao

mango - also chill thomas everything's good

alex - YEAH IT'S TIME FOR OUR PINK PLAN (tm) TO BE ANNOUNCED

jack - JKBFDKBDKJFSDBFKJSDBFSDJKFBSDJKFBSDFJKSDBJ

jack - pRAIIISE JESSUUUSS

halfborn - rEBUKE THE DEVIL

mallory - yall need to stop with these memes tf

blitz - DUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUUUUUUNNNN im so excited guys you have no idea

TJ - ohhh it this about changing Hearth's aesthetic

jack - DUH

mango - WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

TJ - UH, FRANCE--

sam has joined the group chat

sam - SORRY I'M LATE DID I MISS ANYTHING!?

mango - nah you're right on time actually

mallory - someone please just reveal to us the elf

halfborn - wait what

mallory - bruh you've been living under a rock for the past three weeks where've you been when we were making these chats

halfborn - fighting bitches

halfborn - duh

alex - it doesnt matter

alex - what matters is that wE GET TO SEE THE ONCE COMPLETELY EMO HEARTH IN PIIIIIIIIINK

halfborn - oh

halfborn - what even is this aesthetic???

blitz - perfection, that's what it is bitch

mango - i love how everyone who figures this out brings up the old aesthetic

jack - THE PAST IS IN THE PAAAAAAST

alex - was...that a Frozen reference?

jack - ....

jack - ...no

mallory - what he he means:

mallory - "hearth should be elsa for Halloween"

alex - gASSSPPPP

sam - once aesthetic at a time plz

alex - right *ahem*

alex - well without farther hesitation

blitz - kjbgdfjkgbdfjkbsdjksdbsdjkbngkjsdbnkjsdbhdksfuhbvfkjbfjkbfjkdbikfskdfs

mango - .....dad, are u ok

blitz - yes son im better now thanks just eeKK IM SO EXCITED SO SEE MY PRECIOUS BOI JKDBVFDKSHFBVSIK

TJ - IKR AHHH JHBFJKBFKDJFBHSDKJDBHFBFHSJDSJKALNKSDBKLJSDDBNSAO;''DL'A

 sam - i almost??? feel unprepared???? omg i cant even imagine hearth in anything but black/red lmaoooo

mallory - omg ditto tho

blitz - yes it's a fashion miracle

halfborn - stg if one of you guys start playing "fashion" by lady gaga imma punch you into the ground

jack - should that be the theme for this lol

blitz - no

blitz - just

blitz - no

mango - i thought you'd like that song :p

blitz - no ,,,, i mean,, not really? it just...aNYWAYS

blitz - WHY ARE WE WASTING TIME SHOW THEEEMMM

alex - gotcha

alex - you guys can fangirl/fanboy as i pull up the photos we've taken lololololol

mango - gasP THERE'S ACTUAL PHOTOS

blitz - they will be my new background on my phone

TJ - OMGG XD

mallory - jkbfgjkdbfdkjbkJBKJSDBHFKSDJBFSDJHvggjCGHcHGCjhCGJYK 

halfborn - i mean if i wore pink you guys would just make fun of me

sam - to be fair you're a whole other story

mango - yeah this is about aesthetics and lOVE

jack - YE  E S 

blitz - all the love for Hearth <3

mango - dude this is revolutionary

sam - dONT MAKE A the video game DOOM REFERENCE

TJ - TO THE REV heeyyy

mango - like blitz buddy we've known hearth for like ever and nOT ONCE during the times we were homeless buddies did he wear such bright clothing and now look at our boy

blitz - iKRRR????? YOU'RE MAKING ME CRY STAHP,,KFBSDFJKHSDBKFSDBKFJ

mallory - I WASNT PLANNING ON BEING SO EMOTIONAL BUT OMF????

sam - sobs in honor of the old aesthetic im putting on my black and red hijab

mango - sobs he'd want it that way

blitz - yES

jack - //cires//

blitz - //cries//

mango - //cries//

mallory - //cries//

halfborn - are you guys actually crying rn

mango - //wiping tears off my keyboard// nO OF COURSE NOT HALFBORN WHY TF WOULD YOU THINK THAT

blitz - legit im crying tho XD

sam - what is this wet sensation coming from my eyes

mango - tears <3 dont be ashamed

mango - also

mango - aLEX HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO PULL UP PHOTOS???

alex - sorry dudes i just--your crying chain really brought me back to life fr and also hearth is legit s m i l i n g in these photos and blitz you're right his smile is blinding

halfborn - holy shit we're making alex cry???

mango - i??? guess so????

sam - this is a beautiful day for all of mankind

blitz - amen <3 dfbkjfbksdjbfsdkfjs

alex - //doesnt know how to feel because my emo ass soul is actually feeling emotion//

halfborn - bruh you act like you're a robot

alex - you dont understand

mango - smh we're trying to have a bonding moment

halfborn - .....

jack - I CRADLED YOU IN MY ARMS

alex- bruh dont get me started on klance imma sob even more sttoooopppp

blitz - IDONTHAVE AKLL DAY ALENCJKX

alex - sorry sorry sorry chiiiiil

mango - w h at' s  A CHi l l L L ????

alex sent PINKHEARTHOMG.png

mango - KLSJNJKDBFHKSDJFBSDKJHBFKJDSFBHSKAJBHSDKFJSDBFSJKABSLAKJBSAKLJFBSDLJHBSADJHSDBFKJSDBLSDKAJBDFJKSBFKJSDBSDJHBDFJKHBDSLJKSDBSDJKBDSKJBHSDKJSBFKHSDBVFKJBVFKSDJFVSDKFBSDKFJVHSDKFJSVDFKSBVKSDFVSDKFHSV

hearth has joined the group chat

mallory - GAAAAAASSPPP!!!!!!!!

blitz - THIS <3 IS <3 PERFECTION <3 AT <3 IT'S <3 BEST <3 I HAVE BEEN <3 OFFICIALLY <3 BLESSED <3 OHMYGOD someone send me a Valkyrie I think im d y i n g

TJ - HOLY FRESHVACADO SUPERCALIFRAGILWHATSITCALLED

mango - hOLY SHIT

mango - IT'S LIKE SEEING A CRYPTID

blitz - FUUUUUUUUCK IT'S BEAUTIFULL

sam - language :/

hearth - #LetBlitzSayFuck2k17

mango - hey what about me

blitz - thanks my perfectly gorgeous pink babe <3

hearth - yw babe <3

alex - thANK YOU SO MUCH HEARTH FOR LETTING US IDIOTS DO THIS SHIT TO YOU

sam - we do it bc we love you

hearth - ...whatever (✿◠‿◠)

alex - gASP THAT EMOTICON!!!! HE IS OFFICIALLY AT PEACE GUYS

blitz - my heart cannot take such emotion omgg <3 <3 are these tears omf?

mango - //sobs// thE PASTELS AND PINKNESS HAS TURNED HIM TO THE TRANQUIL ELF HE WAS BORN TO BE FJKDNFJKSDBK

mango - i love u Magic Mom

hearth - love you too you little bitch

mango - i'll take what i can get <3

alex - #LetTheEmptyCupFamCuss2k17

sam - that's too long

alex - does it look like i care

TJ - DJHBSDFJKBSDVFKJSBHKS EMOTIONS

alex - IKR

blitz - SOBS

mango - SOBS

jack - SOBS

mallory - SOBS

halfborn - im just going to type "sobs" to make u feel better,, sobs

alex - admit that it's cool

halfborn - ok no fr it is pretty cool

blitz - YEEE

mango - YEEEEE

hearth - yay

hearth - also *grabs knife* which one of you assholes said i should be elsa for halloween

jack - heh

jack - about that

blitz - oMGG EVEN IN PINK HE'S SUPER BADASS I CANT EVEBNMDLKSAJDBSKDJB

hearth - :") no fr thanks guys for the support

alex - nOW TO HEARTH WITH THE WEATHER

alex - HOW YA FEELING??

hearth - overwhelmed by such a positive response omg?? thanks guys!!!!

blitz - anytime honey <3

hearth - <3

hearth - also magnus did you call me a fucking cryptid

sam - i mean

sam - not too far off

hearth - jk i dont care

hearth - im just happy that you guys are happy

hearth - also...

mango - yes mother????

blitz - my beautiful king you have a request????

alex - i'LL DO ANYTHING

TJ - ME TOO

jack - yESSS

mallory - this got interesting

hearth - ...geez you guys are so serious about this ml

hearth - i was going to say that...i need more pink clothing bc omg pink is a really nice color????

alex - //dies//

mango - //dies with you//

alex - i love this maggie

mango - holy shit ur a genius marry me

alex - ok

mango - wut

blitz - PRAISE THE GODS BLESS MY SOUL MY DEPRESSION IS CURED MY SKIN IS CLEAR THIS IS TRULY A MIRACLE

alex - oMGG IKR????

mango - AHHHHHHHHHHH

sam - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

TJ - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH fjhsdbfkvgsjkbvfhsdoi

blitz - Hearth honey i will give you all the pink clothing you want it doesnt even have to be pink bc i love you no matter what your aesthetic is

hearth - aww omg??? thank you???? gAHHHH now i feel the emotions holy quiznakkk

alex - //tears up// we have accomplished something, blitz

blitz - we should work together more often

mango - that's scary

hearth - lmao run maggie ruuuun

mango - °O°

sam - guys this is not about scaring magnus gosh that emoticon XD

alex - yeah sorry lmao

hearth - well today was nice

sam - yep

jack - totally

TJ - 100%

mango - now what?

alex - sleep?

blitz - idk about you guys but i hAVE TO SEE my sweetheart up close in those fine clothes so heh yeah peeace

hearth - omg

hearth - <3 byye

mango - IM COMING WITH

mallory - no wait let them have their moments <3

blitz - we're still here you know

sam - we dc just get on with your sappy love life

blitz has left the group chat

hearth has left the group chat

mango - who wants to make headcanons with me regarding this new aesthetic

alex - not to mention what ever the hell those two are going to do when they see each other again in a few

mallory - wink wink  COUNT ME IN

TJ - YEEEE

sam - YEEE

alex has left the group chat

mango has left the group chat

sam has left the group chat

mallory has left the group chat

jack has left the group chat

halfborn - .....

halfborn - what have i witnissed

Chapter Text

alex invited mango, sam, blitz, hearth, mallory, halfborn, TJ and jack to the yAY LET'S ME THANKFUL group chat

 hearth - yo who wants to help me blow some shit up

alex - MEEEE

mango - wait

mango - what lol???

mallory - ME LET ME JOIN

TJ - Me too :D

mango - no fr why are we blowing stuff up

alex - because it's fun?

hearth - duh

mango - someone control these children

blitz - look who's speaking

sam - yeah it's not my job to control you guys all the time

alex - yeah you're right 

alex - blitz control your husband

blitz - i don't have to, let him have fun

hearth - yAY

halfborn - i hEARD SOMETHING ABOUT DESTRUCTION

mallory - oh my gosh

halfborn - payback for all the pranking that happened on halloween

sam - THAT WAS MOSTLY ALEX!!! AND MALLORY

halfborn - i DONT CARE ALL OF YOU HELPED

alex - doesnt matter

alex - we're going to WREAK HAVOC ALL OVER YOUR WORTHLESS SOULS

mango - harsh

mango - wait who's the target

alex - hmm

mango - pls not me

alex - ok you're free to go

mango - yAY

blitz - i cant be the target either

hearth - that wont happen

hearth - try me ppl

hearth - i will destroy you

sam - im sure you will

mango - guys

mango - if we're going to talk about halloween

alex - ...which was forever ago

mango - IT DOESN'T MATTER ALEX

mango - then let me raise another topic since you all decided to ignore it...

sam - except amir

mango - EXCEPT MY LORD AMIR

mallory - oh gosh i know where this is going

mango - instead of candy for trick or treating...

alex - NO MAGGIE

mango - consider:

mallory - mAKE IT STOP

mango - f a l a f e  l

mallory - MAGNUS NO

hearth - dear gods he said it again

blitz - h e l p

mango - wHY WON'T YOU ALL LISTEN TO ME!!

alex - because we want to blow up some shit

alex - like we blew up pumpkins on halloween!!!

mango - so you want to blow up an innocent fruit but not eat falafel with me??

halfborn - NO ONE WANTS YOUR FALAFEL CULT, MAGNUS

TJ - I'll do it

alex - tHOMAS

mango - YAYYYYY

TJ - why not lol

hearth - bless your brave soul

blitz - amen

alex - I'LL BLOW UP A FREAKING MANGO INSTEAD OF A PUMPKIN NEXT TIME

mango - #fruitprotectionprogram

hearth - agreed

alex - !!!

hearth - what he's my sON i have to

alex - b-but we were going to blow up shit together i gAVE YOU MY SCARF

hearth - #sorrynotsorry

jack - BABY IM SORRY (I'M NOT SORRY)

hearth - sHUSH

jack - nOW PAYBACK IS A BAD BITCH AND BABY I'M THE BADDEST

alex - no, i am

alex - yOU FUCKIN WITH A SAVAGE CAN'T HAVE THIS CAN'T HAVE THIS

mango - #savagealex

mallory - oh so is magnus doing your new branding now

alex - yes

blitz - anyways, going back to the fruit thing

blitz - it's the rules

mallory - parenting rules™

sam - mango rules™

TJ - empty cup fam rules™

alex - boyfriend rules™

mallory - we get it you love your boyfriend now shut up alex

alex - hmph

hearth - wait why are we talking about fruit now

alex - because this group chat is hell

blitz - just like our lives

mallory - true that

halfborn - and you guys wonder why im never at these group chats lmao

mango - i wanna go trick or treating again

mallory - ...your 16

mango - ok and amir's like 18ish and then we have blitz and hearth over there who are freaking 20 so??? don't judge me. besides how old are you

mallory - ...fair point

blitz - hearth didn't do anything for halloween except help alex blow up pumpkins so what's your point

mango - MY POINT IS LET ME LIVE MY DAMN LIFE

alex - you're dead

mango - im sorry the old mango cant come to the phone right now

jack - wHY

mango - oh!

mango - because he's dead

mango - and i hate this meme but you know,, it had to be said before mallory brought it up

mallory - damn it

sam - magnus halloween is over and plus there will be wolves out. everywhere. they will not leave us alone. we cannot escape

mango - nvm

TJ - DONT LET THEM CRUSH YOUR DREAMS I BELIEVE IN YOU

mango - yOURE RIGHT SCREW THE SYSTEM

mango - wow you're being way more supportive than my actual parents rn

hearth: /busy making out with blitz/ what

mango - geez

hearth - im joking lmao

mallory - sure

jack - aNYWAYS

jack - are we not going to talk about all of your badass outfits last time???

mango - I WAS PIDGE

hearth - I WAS KEITH

alex - I WAS LANCE (which was weird considering kLANCE)

sam - i was SPACE DAD

TJ - I WAS HUNK lol

blitz - annd i wasnt princess allura lol

alex - we tried

blitz - that you did

alex - also i wore dnp merch so i was happy :^)

mango - why are we talking about this?

sam - YOU'RE THE ONE WHO BROUGHT UP HALLOWEEN FALAFEL CULTS

mango - IM SORRY I CANT HELP IT SJDBSAJKHDVSAKUIBGAKL

alex - grrr

mango - grrr

alex - fbsdfjklsdb

blitz - you just summed up my life

mango - a keyboard smash? XD

mallory - honestly same tbh

hearth - i can drink to that

TJ - totally

halfborn - ditto

jack - why are we all yelling

alex - why are we all asking questions geez let us be random

mango - I CHIME IN WITH A HAVEN'T YOU PEOPLE EVER HEARD OF CLOSING A GODDAMN DOOR

alex - thanks maggie :^)

alex - aw the p!atd group chat memories are coming back

alex - DAMN I FORGOt

jack - woah what happened 

blitz - we're not dying are we

sam - nope

mango - not yet anyways

alex - this whole group chat was supposed to be for thanksgiving lmao

mango - so we can have falafel now??

sam - im just going to ignore that for now

mango - :(

mallory - ugh alex you're going to make us say these sappy thankful things to each other

alex - yes

halfborn - why

alex - bECAUSE MAYBE MY FAMILY NEVER DID IT OKAY

TJ - same ...

halfborn - you know, you're a softy

mango - gasp you did not

alex - SHUT UP

halfborn - i am thankful for your yelling

mallory - i am thankful to have so many stupid friends

mango - aw thanks :)

mallory - ...

mallory - you need help

sam - sighs i am thankful for not dying

hearth - not dying is good

mango - i am thankful for having falafel

mango - and an amazing family

mango - especially you, mom and dad

blitz - *tears up* we love you too kid

hearth - i am thankful for my child mango cheese, my lovely boyfriend blitz, and for not suffering into the dark abyss of depression :")

sam - #emptycupfam

alex - wow who knew feeling dead could feel this amazing

mango - honestly ikr?

alex - i'm even thankful for you, sunshine

mango - ...you're talking to me right

alex - yes, magnus

mango - oh. yay <3

alex - dork

mallory - moment of silence for TJ, literally the sweetest one here

TJ - AW GUYS THANK YOU <3

mango - stahp you guys are making me cry

alex - praise tj

halfborn - praise

jack - #praise also pRAISE ME TOO I'M GREAT

mango - ok fine

jack - yess #lifegoals 

jack - i'm thankful for beyonce, britney spears, selena gomez, justin timberlake, bruno mars--

alex - pls stop *runs away from the terrible pop music and hides w/ my emo band merch*

sam - sooo now that's over, so what shall we do?

mallory - no falafel cults, fruit wars, are blowing/burning shit up pls

mango - *takes down the falafel banner i made last night* aw

hearth - *putting up my lighter* aw

blitz - how about sam and i make cookies for everybody

mallory - deal

sam - nice let's go!

TJ - YAY COOKIES what kind?

sam - probably chocolate chip

mallory - why because it's some person's type

hearth - i hate you so, so much

mallory - mwahaha

alex, sam, mallory, halfborn, TJ, mango, blitz, hearth and jack have left the group chat

 

Chapter Text

jack invited mango, sam, alex, blitz, hearth, halfborn, mallory and TJ to the HOLIDAY FUN WITH FAM group chat

jack - ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO MEEE

jack - nothing because riptide wont go out with me no matter how many christmas cards i send jksdnfskldjfs

mango - bummer

mango - also is that why i cant find any of my christmas cards?? thanks jack

alex - you guys got me at a bad time im trying to watch dan and phil's gamingmas holiday specials jksdbklsfls i'm two episodes behind because i've been busy with my secret evil plan

mallory - what?

alex - oh no, jack

alex - we've said too much

hearth - please stop with the aesthetic changes i need stability in my life

alex - dont worry, this time it's EVERYONE'S aesthetic

blitz - alex, the Aesthetic Queen 2k17

alex - for now and for forever :) 

TJ - nice deh reference

jack - also what do i have to do with any of this? :0

alex - beCAUSE YOU'RE MY SPONSER

jack - when have i ever agreed to that??

mango - alex, this is why I'M here

mango - i'll be the sponsor

sam - oh no

mango - laaaaaast christmas i gave you my heaaarrtt

mango - but the very next day, you gave it away

mango - this yeaarr to save me my teeeaaarrrs

mango - i'll give it to alex fierro our aesthetic queen so she carry out her plan of world domination

alex - now THAT's what i call sponsoring, guys

TJ - i thought this was for christmas and not world domination 0:

mango - same difference tbh

alex - oh, it is christmas! because all of your new aesthetics are UGLY CHRISTMAS SWEATERS

blitz - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

mallory - omg how did he type so fast

blitz - IJBSKLJNKLJDNAOIDNHASDJKNASKLA I HATE UGLY CHRISTMAS SWEATERS THEY ARE DISGRACES OF THE WHOLE NINE WORLDS AND THEY DON'T GO WITH ANYTHING THEY ARE NOT AT ALL AESTHETICALLY PLEASING

hearth - oh no bae is dying

hearth - wtf alex

blitz - aRE yOu tRYinG tO kILL mE

alex - oh hon that's why i did it °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°

blitz - ( ︶︿︶)_╭∩╮

alex - ouch

sam - christmas is tearing us apart lol and i dont even celebrate it

blitz - ( ಠ ಠ )

mango - that emoticon looks like it has seen and regret things

blitz - trust me

blitz - i have

alex - ...soon you can add the sweaters i picked out for all of you onto that list! 

TJ - YAY

mallory - no, thomas, no yay

TJ - sorry im trying to be festive ;u;

hearth - yes please someone change the subject before blitz murders everyone :)

blitz - including the sweaters

alex - laaaaaast christmas i gave you my heaaarrtt the very next day you murderrrreed me because i gave you some uglyass clothing

blitz - that may be accurate XD

TJ - ahem anyways

TJ - hooow's the chase space?

mango - pretty good! for a lot of children, this is their first christmas in a long time, so we're trying to be as cheerful as possible...baking cookies, making gingerbread houses, eating sweets in general, we decorated our christmas tree alex bought, sewing things, singing christmas songs, ect. :) all thanks to blitz and hearth the best parents ever

hearth - :") i'm happy i can make others happy

blitz - same here :)

sam - that's so sweet of you guys! what about for those who don't celebrate christmas?

mango - We're not forcing them to do anything they don't want to. We just want everyone to know they're safe and free to have fun with us :)

sam - :) im glad you decided to go through with the chase space, magnus. you are an icon

alex - a sunshiney icon!

hearth - magnus, did you tell them about the other charity services?

mango - oh yeah! basically we're trying to join one of the best charities for the homeless in boston and work with them. some funds from blitzen's best are being donated as well

blitz - /cries/ im so proud that i can make a difference with money from my own shop sikbfilsdjnal

mallory - that's... really sweet...

TJ - it's ok to cry mal

mallory - iM NOT CRYING I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY EYE

halfborn - too late kjbfdjkfbksdjbhoaji cRIES

mango - i even made my eminem reference while we were wrapping presents for them <3

mango - im beginning to feel like a WRAP GOD, WRAP GOD 

halfborn - annnnnd you ruined it

mango - i hope they like the presents we gave them. most if it is clothing, but also some cool toys as well

mango - but anyways

mango- enough about me! sam, how've you been?

sam - pretty good :) even though i dont celebrate christmas i've been making more effort to hang out with my own family, and amir! he loves the holiday season. he usually helps out w/ the charities too, not to mention he likes providing food for the homeless as well @ fadlan's falafel

mango - that makes me happy. i know how much that falafel means to people *wipes tear*

sam - speaking of which, he has a surprise for you

mango - does it involve falafel

hearth - magnus, sweetie, i think everything that involves amir involves falafel

mango - TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY FA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA FEEELL

mango - FA LA LA LA, LA LA LA, LA LA FEEELL

mallory - i knew he'd do this eventually

mango - w h e n d o i g e t t h e f a l a f e l

sam - eventually

mango - yayyy

sam - but ive been busy so i may not pick it up for you

mango - nah thats ok next time im heading for the chase space i'll just stop by and skip down to amir for my heavenly goodness

alex - you might want to rephrase that

mango - nah

blitz - why so busy? even im having a break from my shop

sam - you'd be surprised how many times i have to swoop down to valhalla because another hero is getting strangled with christmas lights

sam - every year we valkyries make this complaint to odin but noooo "lights are part of the christmas spirit and dont make me lecture you on the importance of different cultural experiences at valhalla" and blah blah blah

mango - wait... that's a thing?

sam - yes, magnus, it's 100% a thing. don't you know anything?

mango - well for someone who chokes on breathmints and dies... i need to watch out

blitz - #fruitprotectionprogram

mallory - i almost forgot that was a thing

TJ - the memories shivers

mallory - also avoid mistletoe

mango - good im sick of seeing you and halfborn make out sjhbfsjldf

halfborn - ohh because of loki?

sam - yes shivers

alex - shivers i'm burning all the mistletoe. that's it. no more mistletoe.

mango - no fair alex we never got to kiss under one yet :(

hearth - dont worry there's more in the chase space

mango - yessss

alex - pfft like i need a reason to kiss ur cutely oblivious, dumb self

mango - im going to take that as a compliment

TJ - you know what ive always wanted to do?

alex - see the hamilton on broadway?

mallory - die while listening to hamilton?

sam - finally get the appreciation you deserve in the fandom?

TJ - yes, no because i already have, annnnd no comment

TJ - no, i've always wanted to ride a reindeer. like a real one.

blitz - great here comes the reindeer jokes i am prepared to die come at me bro

alex - thomas you know that can be accomplished, right? i can turn into a bloody reindeer

TJ - oh so i can ride you?

alex - ... i wouldnt phrase it that way but yes

mango - /nudges hearth/ which reindeer would you ride?

blitz - fucking hell magnus

mango - sorry i saw the opportunity and i had to take it

mango - i am not throwing away my shot

mallory - tell me why we're all making hamilton references out of the blue

TJ - I'm sorry i told them about the hamildrops... ur welcome

mallory - sighs

hearth - you guys are so fucking immature

hearth - but i think we all know the answer is blitzen <3

blitz - shit

alex - weeeeellll this got rated R fast

mango - dont worry blitz i gotchu 

mango - hey hearth

mango - why didn't you show up for elf practice

blitz - wHAt tHe fUCk dOeS tHAt haVe tO dO wiTH anYThIng???

mango - idk had to get him back 

hearth - i hate you and that meme with the very essence of my soul

mallory - im giving you a tshirt that reads that for christmas

hearth - stg i will burn it

sam - guys chill it's the holidays can we pls just spread the love

TJ - pls <3

hearth - ok fine i really love you all

mango - ditto

blitz - same

alex - of course

mallory - how can i not

haflborn - yay happiness

jack - and im still working on everyone's gifts! it's hard shopping for you guys. blitz, is there any fashion thing you dont have?

blitz - probably not

alex - except for the ugly sweater im going to give him... spoiler: it says "reindeer"

blitz - ....

blitz has left the group chat

Chapter Text

#1: Which fandom is first referenced to and who references to it?

#2: What nicknames do they give Blitz and Hearth?

#3: Who is Magnus's "favorite" parent?

#4: Who is the first to curse? Which curse word do they use? (Acronyms count but you don't have to use those if you don't want, idc)

#5: What is described as "basically the fierrochase wedding"? Who says this?

#6: Who curses the most?

#7: How many times do TJ and Sam curse?

#8: "yes i can imagine you in a shopping cart high as fuck losing a bet and winding up in high heels lmao" Who says this and who does this refer to?

#9: "wish i still had a mom"

#10: "suck it up, buttercup" Who says this and who does this refer to?

#11: "the little birdy needs to leave the nest" Who says this and who does this refer to?

#12: "I NEED MOTHERING OK"

#13: Which characters make a bet about fierrochase?

#14: Why did Magnus think Alex was mad at him in chapter two?

#15: "SEND ME A PICTURE NO ONE WILL BELIEVE ME WITHOUT A PICTURE" Who says this and what was the situation?

#16: Name all of Alex's fandoms.

#17: What was described as a "bullshit 'totally platonic story'"?

#18: Hearth's aesthetic is changed in which chapters?

#19: Magnus is described as which age? *BONUS: Who tells him this?*

#20: Name every fandom AND MEME referenced to. (Try your best, I know this is kind of impossible.)

#21: "HOPEFULLY IT'S A NICE DRAGON LIKE TOOTHLESS"

#22: "yeah usually you're the one telling me to stay out of your personal life" Who says this and who are they referring to? *BONUS: What was the situation?*

#23: Jack says Magnus became "sexually confused" after what?

#24: How did Mother's Day go down with Magnus, Blitz and Hearth?

#25: "I'm beginning to feel like a wrap god, wrap god"

#26: "cOME TO PHAN HELL WE HAVE COOKIES" *BONUS: Who is being told this?*

#27: "sexualities??? types of bread??"

#28: How is Magnus and Alex's sexual orientation described as? What about Hearth's? *BONUS: Name one of the situations in which these were described*

#29: "juz coz mama roasted you doesn't mean you gotta be salty"

#30: "mEMES NOT DEAD YET" *BONUS: What meme are they talking about?*

#31: What is described as Alex's religion?

#32: "biiiiIIIITTCCHH"

#33: How does TJ calm Alex down?

#34: Which characters knew the the video game DOOM musical before everyone else?

#35: What musicals does TJ listen to?

#36: What the video game DOOM references does TJ make on the battlefield? (HAMILFANS, YOU GOT THIS)

#37: Why did Magnus get his falafel taken away?

#38: What leads Magnus to think Ragnarok is coming?

#39: "eat a fucking cookie" Who says this and who are they referring to?

#40: "i don't tolerate this kind of behavior calm tf down" Who says this? Who are they referring to?

#41: Fill in the blanks. "I DONT WANT YOUR (...), (...)" NOTE: There has been two incidents where something like this has been said. Try to name at least one. The first blank refers to food and the second refers to someone's name.

#42: "...you ARE that weird fiance" Who says this and who are they referring to?

#43: Who else wanted custody of Magnus?

#44: Fill in the blank. "THIS IS HOW BAD BITCHES ______" *BONUS: Who says this?*

#45: Which character mysteriously appears in chapter eleven?

#46: "i can glow too you're not special" Who says this and who are they referring to?

#47: "you can never think straight" Who says  this and who are they referring to?

#48: "i was going to tell you about this one donkey's pregnancy"

#49: In which chapter does Magnus change his username to mango?

#50: What is the one meal Blitz can actually make?

#51: "i mean of fucking course isn't chocolate your type" Who says this and who are they referring to?

#52: What is Magnus's nickname?

#53: How many years does Alex dare Magnus to keep his name as that in the group chat?

#54: What nickname(s) are given to Mallory and who are they given by?

#55: Who's the sassmaster? (Yes there is a wrong answer to this.)

#56: How is Magnus's soul described as?

#57: "...IF TJ MAKES A the video game DOOM REFERENCE I WILL STEAL HIS BAYONET AND SHOOT MYSELF"

#58: What is Jack's sexual orientation?

#59: How does Magnus cover up his flirting with Alex?

#60: Who's the best at pickup lines? (Three possible answers.)

#61: "because if you're in the same place as me i assume it's hell and i can't do long distance relationships" *BONUS: Who (irl) originally says this?*

#62: "tf you know jack u cant even stay in a relationship"

#63: Which pickup line did Hearth use to win the compliment battle?

#64: "hOUSTON, TEXAS BABY"

#65: Which TV show(s) is/are currently watched by Jack?

#66: How does Jack roast everyone?

#67: How many times does Alex cuss in chapter thirteen alone?

#68: Name all of Alex's aesthetic changes.

#69: "DAME MAS GASOLINA"

#70: "wHY IS THERE A WINKY FACE"

#71: Who are the sunshine children?

#72: "who wants one with bayonets, the American flag and some poor american shit?"

#73: What kind of squad do we have here? *BONUS: Who is the queen/king?*

#74: "pleeeeaaSSSSeeee baaaaaabe"

#75: Which two characters said "pRAIIIISE JESSUUUUS" and "rEBUKE THE DEVIL" (i'm sorry)

#76: "perfection, that's what it is bitch" *BONUS: What/who is this person referring/talking to?*

#77: Which character was called Elsa? Who said this?

#78: "what is this wet sensation coming from my eyes"

#79: "//doesn't know how to feel because my emo ass is actually feeling emotion//"

#80: "I CRADLED YOU IN MY ARMS" (Hint: Not Keith.)

#81: "w h a t' s A CHillLL???"

#82: "HOLY FRESHAVACADO SUPERCALIFRAGILWHATSITCALLED"

#83: "IT'S LIKE SEEING A CRYPTID" and "FUUUUUUCK IT'S BEAUTIFUL" *BONUS: Who/what are they talking about?*

#84: "#LetBlitzSayFuck2k17"

#85: "also *grabs knife* which one of you assholes said i should be elsa for halloween"

#86: What does the Thanksgiving chapter title refer to?

#87: Who blew up things on Halloween just for fun?

#88: "i hEARD SOMETHING ABOUT DESTRUCTION"

#89: "we're going to WREAK HAVOC ALL OVER YOUR WORTHLESS SOULS"

#90: "i will destroy you"

#91: What was the name of the protection program the squad created? Why was this created?

#92: Who does Alex's branding/sponsoring? *BONUS: Name the two occasions.*

#93: Which two characters sang "Sorry Not Sorry"?

#94: Who is the "baddest" but also a legit softy?

#95: "MY POINT IS LET ME LIVE MY DAMN LIFE"

#96: Who made the Taylor Swift reference?

#97: "yOU'RE RIGHT SCREW THE SYSTEM"

#98: What is Hearth busy doing in chapter sixteen?

#99: "I CHIME IN WITH A HAVEN'T YOU PEOPLE EVER HEARD OF CLOSING A GODDAMN DOOR" 

#100: Who is described as "literally the sweetest"?

#101: Who hides in emo band merch?

#102: Who canonly (in this story) keeps a lighter?

#103: What kind of banner does Magnus have?

#104: Name all of the Christmas references.

#105: Why did Magnus's Christmas cards disappear?

#106: What is Alex's nickname?

#107: Who is planning world domination?

#108: Who flips off Alex and why?

#109: Who was described as someone who has "seen and regret things"?

#110: Who makes the Eminem reference? What was it? 

#111: Why is Sam busy during the holidays?

#112: What death does Magnus continously suffer?

#113: What does Alex and Hearth decide to burn and why? (One answer each.)

#114: "i hate you and that meme with the very essence of my soul" Who says this and who/what are they referring to?

#115: Why did Alex say the chat was rated R in the most recent chapter?

#116: Who left the group chat and why?

#117: Who has barely any lines?

Chapter Text

TJ - Legacy, what is a legacy?

It’s planting seeds in a garden you never get to see

I wrote some notes at the beginning of a song someone will sing for me

America, you great unfinished symphony, you sent for me

mallory - are you okay

TJ - They say Angelica and Eliza were both at his side when he died

mallory - what

TJ - Death doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints, it takes and it takes and it takes

TJ - History obliterates, in every picture it paints, It paints me and all my mistakes

TJ - When Alexander aimed at the sky, he may have been the first one to die

TJ - But I’m the one who paid for it

 I survived, but I paid for it

Now I’m the villain in your history

I was too young and blind to see

I should’ve known

I should’ve known the world was wide enough for both Hamilton and me

The world was wide enough for both Hamilton and me

mallory - are you,, going through your hamilemotions again?

TJ - you know i always find it ironic how it was Burr saying "talk less, smile more" and was the cautious one, alexander being the reckless one, but during act II they swtiched roles. burr didn't follow his own damn advice and shot alex and alex became the cautious one. burr was blinded by envy and anger while alex was so caught up in his despair... he willingly aimed at the sky despite what happened to his son??

mallory - um

TJ - "burr, my first friend, my enemy...maybe the last face i ever see" it's true they could've been friends bUT NO

TJ - the fact that they were the first relationship in this whole musical tho,, AHHH

TJ - and you know how the company echoes "shot 'em" after burr says "and i'm the damn fool that shot 'em"? that represents the fact that he feels guilty, haunted by the fact that he shot alex, someone who was actually kind of a friend?? the scene forever repeats in his mind...

mallory - woah okay

TJ - ...and Eliza's lines went from "That would be enough" to "Isn't this enough?" to "It's not enough" and that wrecks my heart???

TJ - "burn" is great and all but John's perspective... imagine how the altered lyrics would go! "the world has no right to my heart, the world has no place in my head, they won't get to know what i said" because tHE FUCKING LETTERS SKJFBNSDKLJFNSD;L

mallory - that's rough buddy

TJ - you know "The Story of Tonight" was really just foreshadowing for laurens' death, not to mention burr's "fools who run their mouths off wind up dead" line jhbfsdjkfbsdjkkl

TJ - let me explain

TJ - Alexander's last words were "Raise a glass to freedom" which was not only first sang by Laurens BUT he was finishing the song for him...in the Laurens' Interlude Laurens sang "I may not live to see our glory / but I will gladly join the fight / and when our children tell our story / they'll tell the story of tonight... / tomorrow they'll be more of us"

TJ - he never sang "raise a glass.." like in "The Story of Tonight" which is literally the most important line (it's like the chorus)

TJ - The words engraved on his grave matches with the lyrics... "It is sweet and glorious to die for one's Country."

TJ - i'm dead inside sdkjsk laurens didnt deserve this shit

mallory - uhuh,,,

TJ - ALSO CAN YOU BELIEVE PHILIP THINKS THE EACKER-Hamilton DUEL WAS HIS FAULT???

TJ - ELIZA TAUGHT HIM HOW TO COUNT AND HE DIED AT "SEVEN" BECAUSE EACKER IS A JACKASS AND PHILIP THOUGHT HE MISCOUNTED SO TOLD ELIZA "Mom, I’m so sorry for forgetting what you taught me"

TJ - INHALE

TJ - NO YOU DID AMAZING SWEETIE

TJ - ALSO FUCKING PEGGY

TJ - LIKE IN GENERAL 

TJ - SKLJNSDJFNSDKLFNKLSD

TJ - Okay but @ the actual Laurens-Lee duel, Lee felt salty that he was shot so asked if they could have another round and alex was like "yeah um no" lmao

TJ - "MEET ME INSIDE" ALWAYS GIVES ME FEELS. Like,, imagine if alex was at washington's grave and said "call me son one more time..."

TJ - WHY DO I DO THIS

mallory - maybe you should like....take a break, sweetie

TJ - TAKE A BREEEAK

TJ - WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME

mallory - oh oops

TJ - PHILIP WOULD CHANGE THE MELODY EVERY TIME *sobs*

mallory - *pats shoulder* there, there...

TJ - if i could rename the musical it would either be "talk shit, get hit" or "another scottish tragedy"

TJ - can you believe thomas died before both madison and burr lmao

TJ - which actually reminds me of the line "my friend James Madison red in the face" like we want that line to mean he's blushing because senpai came home from France but nah it's because he's slowly dying

TJ - Alexander's "i imagine death so much it feels more like a memory" always gets me

TJ - in "my shot" he says "when's it going to get me? in my sleep, seven feet ahead of me? if i see it comin' do I run or do I let it be? is it like a beat without a melody?"

TJ - in "yorktown" he says "this is where it gets me, on my feet, the enemy ahead of me! if this is the end of me, at least i have a friend with me" bECAUSE NOW HE'S NOT THROWING AWAY HIS SHOT and ish..

TJ - and then in "the world was wide enough" he's like "i see it coming do i run or fire my gun or let it be? there is no beat, no melody" and WORST OF ALL: "if i throw away my shot...is this how you remember me?"

TJ - SCREEEEECH

TJ - IT'S SAD BECAUSE IT'S TRUE???

TJ - also @ yorktown "we'll be with you when you do" bITCH STOP LYING

TJ - omg "Dear Theodosia"

mallory - oh no

TJ - the song is great but what really makes it interesting is the fact that both alex and burr sing "my father wasn't around / i swear that i'll be around for you" because like oh. my. fucking. god??? the whole musical is about the growing tension between alex and burr and goes out of its way showing how different they are but this one song really reminds us that they have common ground and again burr didn't have to shoot him jbdsdjkabka which is elaborated when burr sings "i'll make a million mistakes" *gestures to the burr-Hamilton duel*

TJ - i'm not okay

TJ - also if alexander lived he might've been an okay president despite what's alluded to in the musical?? like he had military experience was most likely against slavery...at least when laurens was alive ;-;

 mallory - ...are you done yet

TJ - no

TJ - "let me tell you what i wish i'd known when i was young and dreamed of glory...you have no control who lives, who dies, who tells your story..."

TJ - very similar to "me? i died for him" and "and me? i'm the damn fool who shot him" because kjsdbsjka who lives and dies???? (also i feel as if both pip and laurens could apply to the first line...)

mallory - and i thought otis talked about death but,, son you're breaking the record here rn

TJ - ik but there's so much death in this musical. like the death of my happiness

mallory - ...continue?

TJ - right

TJ - so

TJ - that whole line is just sad for me sdjbjdbasdiuasdgbhsiajkbl ELIZA IS SO PRECIOUS OKAY "i can't wait to see you again...it's only a matter of time"

TJ - TIME THO. IN THIS WHOLE MUSICAL.

TJ - WHY DO YOU WRITE LIKE YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME WRITE DAY AND NIGHT LIKE YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.. HOW DO YOU WRITE LIKE TOMORROW WON'T ARRIVE? WRITE DAY AND NIGHT LIKE YOU NEED IT TO SURVIVE? HOW DO YOU WRITE EVERY SECOND YOU'RE ALIVE, EVERY SECOND YOU'RE ALIVE, EVERY SECOND YOU'RE ALIVE......

TJ - i cAN'T

mallory - are you done yet thomas

TJ - almost

mallory - THOMAS

TJ - okay...oNE MORE THING

mallory - sweet jesus

mallory - oh no did i just quote burr

TJ - :)

mallory - this is what i get for hanging out with you

TJ - in "take a break" alexander writes "i trust you'll understand the reference to another Scottish tragedy..." even referring himself to Macbeth, basically calling himself another Scottish tragedy. it's true his whole life is one big fucking rollercoaster. tHIS WHOLE MUSICAL is a big fucking rollercoaster have you tRIED listening to this on shuffle

TJ - HOW DOES A BASTARD, ORPHAN, SON OF A WHORE AND A SCOTSMAN--

mallory - annnnnnnnd that's all the time we have for today!

mallory - thomas, you need sleep. any last words?

TJ - yes

TJ - John Laurens deserved better

TJ - ok bye

TJ has left the group chat

mallory - ;-;

Chapter Text

alex has invited mango, sam, blitz, hearth, mallory, halfborn, TJ, and jack to the group chat

alex: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MANGO

alex has changed the title to MANGO'S BIRTHDAY

hearth: it's midnight

alex: i know!! that makes today the thirteenth!! so officially magnus's birthday!!

mango: aww you did this for me??? ksejbrsdjkbsdjklfbl

mallory: he's blushing

mango: ..am not

mallory: sure

sam: hi guys

blitz: im surprised we're all still awake

TJ: yeah i was listening to musicals

TJ: speaking of which did you know your birthday is a day after alexander hamilton's birthday?? you're capricorn buddies! :D

mallory: he's still not over his hamilemotions

mango: ah

mango: you guys care about me that much <3

blitz: of course kid. YOU SURVIVED TO THE DAY YOU TURNED SEVENTEEN. I am blessed

mango: ditto

hearth: it's a miracle

mango: who would've thought we'd be having normal lives considering we've been homeless for so long

blitz: well our lives aren't normal but yeah good point XD

alex: ooh ok guys

alex: i googled "capricorn" and your horroscope is...

mallory: DRUMROLL PLS

mango: im scared lmao

alex: don't worry we're here to back u up u lil sweetheart

mango: sdjfbjkfdbjkfbamk <3

mallory: aw he's still blushing

mango: shush mal

jack: ooh i love horroscopes! except idk when my birthday is

TJ: swords can have birthdays?

blitz: i mean they have genders apparently so yeah

alex: ok your horroscope for todays says...

alex: oh yikes

mango: omg what is it???

jack: im scared for you

hearth: ditto

alex: "A friend you've known for years might suddenly shock you by saying some unkind things that you would never have expected of him or her, Capricorn. If they're said about you, you might be very upset because it isn't fair or justified! Sometimes it's hard to forgive these things, but make the effort. Your friend is going through some rough times that you may not know about. Try to put yourself in the other's shoes. Forgive and forget."

mango: o.o

mallory: that's rough, buddy

jack: oh snap

mango: i hAVE ONLY TWO FRIENDS I'VE KNOWN FOR YEARS

blitz:

hearth:

mango: im watching you two

blitz: do you really believe in horroscopes?

mango: ...eh?? i mean,, if there's such things as norse gods wHY NOT

TJ: good point

mango: which one of you narks are planning something

hearth: excuse us as ur parents we were planning special things for you

jack: my bets are on hearth

hearth: ???

alex: virgos CAN be quite critical

hearth: ...how do you know im a virgo

alex: i know things,  see things

blitz: so basically ur mimir

alex: sure

blitz: yikes

mango: nah ik you guys are going to be so nice to me today <3 especially you, mom

hearth: was that sarcasm

mango: no of course not

sam: we love u too much mango

mango: :DD

alex: also, i managed to find these quotes about capricorns:

alex: and these are interesting... one says you are "the leader, the asshole, the fashion guru, the secret psycho, the know it all, the lone wolf"

mango: lol me and the word fashion belong nowhere together. also i hate the reference to a wolf but everything else seems accurate..ok not the "know it all" part because,, im clueless sometimes lmao

alex: one says "a capricorn will always be by your side unless you fuck up"

mango: i'm too loyal so

alex: "their heart is pure"

mallory: so true

sam: i mean you defeated loki with the power of friendship

hearth: that's some my little pony shit there

alex: let me find more hold up

alex: capricorns are RULERS of sarcasm

mango: omg most accurate one XD

alex: ikr? XD so maggie what do you think we got you for your birthday

halfborn: shit we were supposed to get something?

mallory: !!!

mallory: iVE BEEN TELLING YOU THIS

mango: nah it's fine fam. as long as i get birthday falafel im chill <3

sam: don't worry i called amir

mango: *wipes tear* all is well in the world

mango: besides falafel tho i'm sure 

TJ: wE'RE GOING TO HANG A FALAFEL BANNER AND FEED YOU FALAFEL AND THEN YOU AND I ARE GOING TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES

mango: b r o

TJ: b r o

jack: can i sing "birthday" by katy perry

blitz: ..do you know how old that song is?

jack: sorry it's the only song i can think of lmao

alex: OOH I KNOW

alex: hello, hello, hello...

mango:

mallory:

halfborn:

TJ:

hearth:

blitz:

mango: was that...

jack: a nirvana reference? i believe so

mango: w h y do you do this to m e

blitz: *cries* the old hair

mango: you're the one who cut it ;-;

blitz: ...still

alex: I'M WORSE AT WHAT I DO BEST

alex: AND FOR THIS GIFT I FEEL BLESSED

mango: sighs

mango: OUR LITTLE GROUP HAS ALWAYS BEEN

mango: AND ALWAYS WILL UNTIL THE END

TJ: omg that can be the empty cup fam's theme song o.o

alex: OMG

blitz: OMG

halfborn: omg

alex: that's it it's official, the Aesthetic Queen/King said so

hearth: i guess you could say

hearth: it smells like mango spirit

mango: OMG YES

blitz has changed the group chat name to Mango Spirit ™

blitz: you're welcome

mango: :))

TJ: now im glad you changed your name lmao

amir has joined the group chat

amir: i heard falafel yOU HAVE SUMMONED ME???

mango: *spits tea* mY LORD AND SAVIOR AMIR!!! 

amir: yes child u will have falafel

mango: EEEEEKKK <3 thanks falafel daddy

mango: wOAH WAIT A MINUTE

mango: STG THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT I JUST

mango: let me explain

alex: idk how the fuck DO you explain this??

mango: i was trying to type "deliverer" but i hit the a button and it just..it says daddy now

alex:....

TJ: *to the tune of "the story of tonight reprise"* oh shit

blitz: ?? um?? he's not?? you're dad???

sam: .... sam.exe has stopped working

hearth: i'm just,, gonna,, stay out of,, this

amir: 

blitz: ok but why did "daddy" pop up on the autocorrect list anyways

mango: i actually have no idea

mallory: my fault

mango:

sam:

amir:

mallory: i stole his phone and tried to prank alex w/ it

alex: ....by making it look like he called me daddy???????

mallory: similar to that assumption

hearth: wtf

amir: aNYWAYS

amir: i came to say im ready to deliver the falafel

mango: great now this sounds like some kinky shit going on um this is a v odd start to my birthday

amir: why do i bother with you sometimes

mango: because 

mango: we've known each other for two years bro

amir: good point

amir: but anyways i'll come down to the chase space to celebrate ur party with everyone :)

mango: thanks :) GASP wait maybe youre the one thats going to ruin this

amir: wot

hearth: horroscope

amir: ah

alex: also we're having a party at valhalla too!!

mango: really? in one of our rooms?

sam: the dining room :)

mango: how'd you manage that??

alex: it's easy to bribe with chocolate in valhalla

mallory: wow you hear that hearth? bribery with chocolate! you must be familiar with that

hearth: why did this whole conversation turn into kinkshaming so quickly. specifically trying to shame me?? also i have no idea what you're talking about so fuck off you ginger

alex: this is what i get for making a group chat at midnight. 

alex: see hearth?? overly critical

hearth:

blitz: yeah it's your fault alex

alex: figures

jack: at least i didn't sing "birthday"

mango: oh god no don't dig this hole any deeper

mallory: let's all choose to ignore that comment

mango: shit i made it worse

jack: let's not let this trainwreck wreck even more

blitz: let's just all stop talking

mango: agreed

sam: wELP

sam: im tired get some sleep so you can be ready for your party today

mango: gotcha :)

alex: ur such a cinnamon roll

blitz: *wipes away tears* remember our times together? being homeless, almost getting killed multiple times, travelling throughout the nine worlds, cutting your kurt cobain hair, crying, going insane, making the chase space a place...

TJ: BLESS YOU MAGNUS

mango: shit im seventeen and im crying on my birthday

blitz: im a grownass man and im crying on my son's birthday

hearth: GROUP HUG

sam: HUG

mallory: HUG

jack: i have no arms

blitz: HUG

TJ: HUG

amir: HUG

alex: HUH

halfborn: HUG

mango: HUG

alex: magnus chase, flipping off giants and defeating supernatural evil forces with the power of friendship since 2015

mango: i shall continue until ragnarok

sam: if we survive but yeah

mango: YAY

TJ: YAY

blitz: i like surviving

mallory: ditto

alex: welp time to go i have to finish the cake

mallory: you made the cake?

mango: gasp <3

alex: yes but i got sidetracked by tj singing so im behind lmao

alex: happy early birthday, maggie

hearth: love you son

blitz: LOVE YOU KID

amir: love you child

sam: love you cinnamon roll

TJ: love you bro

jack: love you senor

halfborn: love you fellow mateybro

mango: love you all :") byeeeee

mango has left the group chat

mallory: poor thing

alex: he has no idea what we've planned lmao

Chapter Text

mango invited the empty cup fam to the Valentine's Day group chat

mango: FAM

jack: FAM

alex: FAM

mallory: b r o

sam: hi

blitz: unless im too hungover to think clearly, wasn't valentine's day yesterday?

mango: well

mango: yes

mango: but.. i wanted to know how everything went <3 like alex and i were doing out little thing and i had no idea about you guys because you were all busy and what not

jack: SJDKFBSDKLJFNKLFJSBKLFJNADKLJABNFJKSLD

sam: ... magnus sweetie is your sword okay

mango: i have no idea

jack: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

mallory: i'm going to take that as a no

jack: i'm fine

mango: jack... buddy... what's wrong

jack: oh nothing sniff sniff i'll just be here, alone

hearth: dude just tell us what you're fucking problem is

sam: woah, hearth

hearth: sorry all day yesterday i was a sap. i need to come back to my sarcastic ways

blitz: speaking of which valentines day was amazing jsyk <3

jack: wELL SOME PEOPLE ARE SINGLE

halfborn: oh this is what's wrong with him. i thought maybe his date stabbed him or something like what mal does to me

mallory:

mallory: he's a sword

TJ: poor guy!!! :( it's ok jack!!! i'm single too!!!

jack: YOU LIKE BEING SINGLE. AND YOU WEREN'T DUMPED

mango: SIGHS is this another Riptide thing???

jack: SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL, MAGNUS!!! BEAUTIFUL.

TJ: nice edges

jack: exactly!!!!

TJ: hugs it's ok

jack: NO IT'S NOT11!!!!!! NOW IM GOING TO CRY UNTIL MY EYES BLEED AND BE ALL EMO LIKE HEARTH

hearth:

hearth: i'm sorry what

alex: why does your sword have to be melodramatic

mango: idk. when is he not tho

jack: you didnt even invite me to you and alex's pottery date!!!!

mallory: i'm sorry what date XDD

mango: dude it's a DATE. i'm not supposed to bring you

halfborn: "you, me, and jACK"

alex: shut up

jack: IVE BEEN BETRAYED!

jack: im going to die alone while listening to breakup songs

blitz: and eat ice cream. my mom recommends that when people go through breakups

blitz: the one thing i listened to from her lol

jack: how would YOU guys felt if you died alone?

alex: dude... most of us here are dead

mallory: cEEELLEBRATE GOOD TIMES COME OUT

sam:

mango: sighs if i call annabeth right now and invite her and riptide to the group chat, would you feel better?

mallory: magnus. why are you helping your sword's dating life

mango: i do what i must when it comes to friendship

mango: ..except for writing that ode. no can do

jack: ..maybe a lil

mango: great! i'll call her up

mallory: wait so we're going to meet the OTHER chase???

TJ: YAY WE GET TO MEET ANNABETH

blitz: tHE SUNSHINE COUSINS

hearth: bless

mango invited WiseGirl, blue4evr, and riptide to the group chat

mango: ok she's coming

jack: SCREECH

jack: ahem

jack: i'm cool

WiseGirl: hey cuz!!! these your friends?

TJ: HI ANNABETH

mallory: i heard a lot about you wassup

mango: CUZ!!!!!

mango: how are you

WiseGirl: sweet! and hey guys! percy and i had the best date at the beach yesterday <3 plus we had a party at chb

mango: nice!

WiseGirl: ikr. hazel, frank, reyna and jason got to come too

jack: even your cousin went on a date? :(

blue4evr: oh hey jack

blue4evr: oh no dont tell me you came because riptide

mango: well....

blue4evr: how can riptide even be on here!!??

WiseGirl:

blue4evr:

mango:

WiseGirl: desperate measures were made, Percy

blue4evr: you're in this too???

mango: to be fair i forced her

mallory: lmao sword drama

blue4evr: oh hey yall

alex: WASSUP SEAWEED BRAIN MY BITCH

blue4evr: nice to see u too, fierro

alex: bruh we've had some good times

blue4evr: ikr

alex: ikr???

jack: guys we're talking about me snap out of it

WiseGirl: Right... well, Percy?

blue4evr: well what?

WiseGirl:

blue4evr: o right it's my sword

blue4evr: ...

blue4evr: ok she's uncapped what now

jack: lET HER SPEAK TO ME

blue4evr: ok but how

riptide: AHEM

blue4evr: OH SHIT WHAT THE FUCK

jack: oMGG IT WORKED SHE'S TALKING

riptide: actually i'm typing. but yeah.

blue4evr: but??? how??? tHE SWORD'S IN MY HAND

riptide: it's SHE to you, blue bitch

mallory: lol. sword drama

WiseGirl: Okay Magnus, you're the expert on talking swords... How

mango: i,, actually have no idea, huh.

jack: Hi Riptide! NICE EDGES

alex: facepalm

TJ: at least he's honest?

halfborn: this is why you're single

TJ: me or Jack?

halfborn:

halfborn: both

TJ:

riptide: you again

jack: yeah! me!

blue4evr: i'm sorry but are we not going to address that my sword is fucking communicating using technology with no reasonable explanation like how is that possible

blue4evr: IVE HAD RIPTIDE FOR YEARS AND NOT ONCE DID IT

blue4evr: I MEAN SHE

blue4evr: COMMUNICATE!!!

blue4evr: YOU KNOW WHAT THINGS SHE COULD'VE TOLD ME

blue4evr: you know what at this point idc

WiseGirl: we've seen worse

blue4evr: way worse omg

riptide: yeah sorry about that jackson. i've been busy

blue4evr: busy?? with what??

riptide: trying to forget

alex: o 

jack: gasp you're depressed too???? oMG WE COULD TOTALLY DATE

mango: wait jack you're depressed? aw :0 i helped otis i can help you!!!!

jack invited mango to an incognito group chat

jack: i'm not depressed you dork i'm trying to be relatable

mango: oh

mango: but isn't that lying??

jack: oh pls you lied your whole life saying you were straight and look what happened

mango:

jack closed the incognito group chat

jack: so! wanna date ;)

riptide: let me think

riptide: no

hearth: welp we tried

blue4evr: yes can we go now annabeth

jack: NO

jack: RIPTIDE-SENPAI WHY WONT YOU LOVE ME???

jack: I'LL SING YOU A SONG

mallory: pls dont

blitz: it's ok Jack, Freya has this dating site you can try.

sam: how do you know?

blitz: long story

alex: g note plays

hearth: thanks for putting things into perspective

jack: ALLLLLLL OF MEEEEE LOVES ALLLLL OF YOUUUUU

riptide: dude i don't know you

jack: not a fan of pop?? okay okay how about

jack: HUSH HUSH HUSH, BLUSH BLUSH BLUSH

alex: nO

jack: yOU ARE NOW MY BIG FAT CRUSH!

mango: JACK STOP

jack: I'm single as I can be

jack: YOURE SINGLE, PERFECT FOR ME

jack: IM GONNA GIVE YOU A BUNCH OF REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD DATE ME

mallory: no, fam. this is why he's still single

jack: REASON NUMBER ONE - I'M SUPER HOT

jack: REASON NUMBER TWO - PERCY'S SUPER NOT

WiseGirl: excuse me

blue4evr: wot

jack: REASON NUMBER THREE - I'M ALL YOU GOT AND NOW YOU GOT IS SOMEONE HOT!

riptide: still no

blue4evr: im just gonna

blue4evr left the group chat

WiseGirl left the group chat

jack: WHAT??? HOW COME???

jack: pLEASE I JUST WANT TO BE THE TROY TO YOUR GABRIELLA

riptide: bitch no

riptide: i'm a lesbian

riptide: bye

riptide has left the group chat

alex: tears up A GAY ICON

blitz: shade. thrown.

hearth: shout it louder for the people in the back

sam: jack, i think we've learned a valuable lesson

jack: hOW??? 

sam: like the ending moral of that song...

sam: stop caring what other people think!

sam: you should always love yourself <3

blitz: that's the greatest love of all

blitz: or at least that's what whitney houston said

mango: hugs it's ok

mallory: you chill?

jack:

jack: no

jack has left the group chat

blitz: don't worry,, i'll send him the link

TJ: just in case...what is the link?

blitz:

hearth:

mango:

mallory:

sam:

TJ: ...nvm

mallory: i kind of feel bad for him tho

mallory: i, too, have bad judgement

halfborn:

halfborn: wait what

mango: spEEAKING OF WHICH it's nice to see you guys didn't kill each other :")

mallory: i wanted to

mallory: he even gave me a new knife

TJ: not smart bro

halfborn: you can't say anything b/c you're single

hearth: oh it worked because mallory has a knife kink?

mallory:

hearth: pay back, bitch

mallory: also why do you even care magnus lmao

mango: i love my friends

mallory: yes but this is our personal lives

mango: i love my friends

mango: you can be alone when you're dead @ ragnarok

sam: ,, dude

mango: sorry i love my friends :")

TJ: how about you tell us about YOUR date ;)

alex: yeah, maggie. tell 'em

mango: welllll

mango: we watched movies while drinking hot chocolate

mango: because, you know...

blitz: clutches heart nicely done son

hearth: bless. we're proud

sam: aw!

TJ: AWWWWW

alex: it was great. then we did pottery because fuck society

halfborn: how is pottery romantic

alex: exactly

halfborn:

mango: dont judge us

alex: what about you, sister?

sam: welllllllll....

mango: i sense samirah is blushing

sam: shut up magnus

sam: amir and i chilled for awhile together. we had a nice evening meal. amir bought milkshakes. he gave me some roses <3

mallory: you nearly passed out?

alex: and turned hella red?

sam: shut up

mango: cries i will 100% be at your wedding <3 i love u crazy kids together you're so pure

sam: ^u^

sam: what about our fave married couple, hence chapter title twelve?

blitz: we went on a date while sam and TJ watched the chase space for a little bit

hearth: then we told the kids to leave us alone while we were in our room lmao it worked

blitz: we gave each other roses <3

hearth: made out a lot <3

alex: woah niiiice dudes

mallory: imagine when they're like thirty

blitz: no thanks :)

alex: ok guys i think we should carry on a new tradition

mango: like what we did last time???

sam: wait what

TJ: im scared

alex: good

mallory: i know what this means

alex: PICK UP LINES WHOOP WHOOP

mango: yaaay! me first!

mango: alex?

alex: yes?

mango: Even if there wasn't gravity on earth, I'd still fall for you.

alex: that was actually great <3 

alex: I’m not a hoarder but I really want to keep you forever. <3

mango: aw <3

halfborn: Are you a parking ticket? 'Cause you've got fine written all over you.

mallory: i will kill you

blitz: hearth you know how you're always cold?

hearth: yes

blitz: you can use me as a blanket <3

hearth: gladly

sam: we might want to stop in case jack comes back XD

mango: dont want to make him jealous lmao

alex: of our perfect love

mango: exactly

TJ: you guys need to teach me your ways

TJ: i might be single but i gots to know

alex: we'll give you lessons later

alex: but im tired so

mango: agreed

mango: bYE FAM

mango has ended the group chat

Chapter Text

mango: WOOO hey mango fam!

alex: um excuse you? who voted for this squad to be "mango fam"

mango: i mean. i'm the main character so.

blitz: harsh. us sidekicks gotta get some respect too

mallory: says like the third main character?? also im not a sidekick

TJ: i think mango fam perfectly describes us

hearth: how?

alex: whomst????

TJ: idk it's random

hearth: i agree that we're random people

mango: true that

blitz: ..well i suppose at this point fruit is like our aesthetic now

hearth: don't give alex any ideas

alex: :)

jack: anyway

jack: i am quite a sponsor

magnus: say that to the sponsor king right here

jack: so UPDATE FOR THE WONDERFUL READERS

mallory: who gave him permission to break the fourth wall?

mango: i break that rule all the time

hearth: looks into camera like im on the office

jack: due to many other fandom works

TJ: HAMILTON BITCHES

alex: gasp the cinnamon roll said the b word

jack: and crappy life circumstances

alex: mood, fam

hearth: hell yeah

sam: agreed. school's an ass

jack: this fanfic has (obviously) been put on hold

jack: but the good news is that during the next few months at least a few more chapters will be posted!!

TJ: yay! i missed being weird w/ my fam :^)

blitz: not to mention the dying fandom

alex: ooh yes that too

sam: we need to give the people content

mango: or else we'll be the lost boys in neverland

mallory: ..b/c we'll be forgotten or because we're meeting peter pan?

hearth: both

halfborn: buy our merch

mango: DONATE TO THE MANGO FAM

alex: DONT LET THE FANDOM BE FORGOTTEN XD

jack: i'm supposed to be the sponsor ;-;

mallory: yeah well not all dreams come true

mango: dont be mean to my sword

sam: well ,, if you finally made him his ode,,

alex: chapter 23 will be the ode for jack. it is confirmed

mango: shit i feel betrayed in my own fam

blitz: pls i doubt that'll happen

TJ: the writer would also like to inform that she is thankful for all the support and patience <3

mallory: oh so you know her now?

jack: and you blamed me for breaking the fourth wall

TJ: i cant help that im her favorite <3

alex: who said?

me: ...

me: i can confirmed this lol

me: xoxo guys <3 <3 

mango: BYE MANGO FAM

alex: peace dingos

jack: STAY LIT PEEPS. FOLLOW MY INSTA

mallory: when did you get an ig??

blitz: mal, i learned a long time ago to stop asking jack questions

mallory: hmm. true.

halfborn: BYEEE

TJ: Bye! <3

TBC, my fellow fans. Pray that the content shall never die. And that I'm not busy. Love you all!!!

Chapter Text

 alex invited everyone to the "magnos and signs" group chat

alex: do you guys ever just like. think about your zodiac signs

jack: well idk when i was made but i like to think myself a sagittarius

alex: ooh. snippy

jack: hell yea

mango: mm not really

halfborn: mood lmao that's so nerdy

blitz: not really into it. not an exact science

sam: ... i actually think it's cool

alex: right??

tj: thank god i know what those are

mallory: lol how

tj: sam's fault

sam: they're just cool ok

hearth: why do you ask

alex: because i want to discuss everyone's signs here. so we can, you know, analyze each other and bond or whatever

mango: i'm down

mallory: sure i have nothing better to do

blitz: ditto

hearth: ok

tj: ooh yayy :))

alex: let's start with death

magnus: great now you're going to summon otis

sam: otis would be a cancer

blitz: gasp twins

alex: bLITZ IS A CANCER? shoulda seen that coming. let's start with you

blitz: oh god

alex: lmao it's blank for you

blitz: ... what

mango: maybe you're unkillable?

hearth: i like that idea, yeah

jack: maybe you're having an exisential crisis

mallory: maybe everything killed you

blitz: maybe it's just a mystery lmao sounds like my life

alex: i'll go down the list. aries?

mallory: hi bitch

hearth: knew it

alex: it says "jesus took the wheel"

mallory: HA. JESUS. THAT'S FUNNY.

sam: this is why he needs to

halfborn: LMAO

alex: taurus: ate too much junk food

sam: rude. i do not. i have zero cavities.

mango: you're a taurus? hm. interesting.

jack: i was expecting like... virgo. or pisces.

blitz: that's still a gap, jack

jack: right

tj: nah i see the stubbornness

alex: honestly? me too. plus taurus peeps are cool

sam: thanks

alex: gemini: depressed to death my heartache

halfborn: my wedding vows

mallory: oh no

mango: now your personality makes sense

tj: rIGHT?? of course he'd be a crazy gemini

hearth: how come i didnt see tht coming

alex: leo: tried to steal an oscar award

tj: that's mean i'd never do that :((

blitz: thomas goes from pisces to scorpio in 5 secs flat but leo is fitting too

tj: that makes me sound like a crazy gemini like halfborn

mango: like you're scary on the battlefield but u a lil muffin

tj: i'm a muffin :))

sam: confirmed

alex: virgo:

alex: oh wow

jack: omg what

mallory: ooh is this dramatic

halfborn: or gruesome

alex: um well

hearth: spill the beans

alex: lmao whoever's a virgo, u got explaining to do

alex: "died from awesome sex"

blitz: wow

tj: woahh

mallory: THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT

mango: holy fuck im dying. anyone a virgo

hearth:

hearth: well if im going to die it might as well be lit as hell

jack: AAAAAAAAA HEARTH

hearth: what??? it's not like i chose that

alex: first: you as a virgo makes perfect sense. also... lmao i cant even respond properly

mallory: blitz you gotta live up to your responsibility

blitz: shut up

mango: maybe that's why it was blank lol

jack: lmao

sam: wait a cancer and a virgo... how does that work

blitz: the gods made an exception i guess lol lucky us

hearth: lucky me

alex: AHEM

alex: libras here?

everyone: no

alex: yay i'm next then!!! scorpio: sacrificed to satan

alex:

alex: well that sounds like me

tj: oh no

mango: THE FALAFEL CULT GETS ITS REVENGE

alex: bitch i hope i read ur death next

alex: anyone a sagittarius? oh yeah jack. "heart attack"

jack: @ riptide

blitz: let it go, man

mallory: wow. just wow. @ all of these

sam: lmao i want to know how magnus dies

alex: "fell off the stage trying to touch nicki's butt"

alex: damn you also have explaining to do

mango: nicki minaj????

jack: HAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA omg

mallory: damn kinky much

halfborn: i cant tell which one is worse, hearth or magnus's

sam: 100% magnus. im kink shaming you for life now

mango: I DIDNT MAKE IT UP THO

jack: it doesn't matter

alex: ha your cult cant save u now

alex: ok since i've said everyone's signs let's go to the next cool one

tj: great

hearth: ohh joyyy

alex: the signs as driving

alex: aries: "cut me off one more time i dare u"

mallory: MOOD

alex: taurus: "SToP YELLING @ peOPLE tHEY CAN'T heAR yOu"

sam: when im stressed and craving a latte

alex: gemini: "flipping people off doesn't affect them"

halfborn: tru

alex: cancer: "use your FREAKING blinker"

mango: lmao he doesnt even cuss

blitz: there are childs around

alex: leo: "is it that hard to go in a straight line"

mango: yes #pridemonth

tj: lol just imagine if we actually had cars

mango: i'd bump into everything

mallory: i'd crash it in an angry rage

blitz: i'd be the mom driver

sam: i'd be the most decent tbh... 

halfborn: pfft who needs cars

jack: cries i cant drive i'm a sword

jack: I'M SOAAAARING, FLYYYYYING

alex: no more high school musical stahp

alex: virgo: "please calm down it's a car not an airplane"

hearth: i would be the one lol

alex: mine: "get your head out of your butt you're scaring me"

alex: social anxiety norms yanno

mango: true

alex: the rest are boring so i'm skipping them

jack: thanks

mango: yeah thanks

alex: "the signs and the amount of fucks they give" 

alex: "says idgaf but they do" goes to aries and leo

mallory: ...not confirming this 

tj: depends i guess but let's be real i do care a lot about things

sam: yep

mango: agreed

alex: "everyone THINKS they dgaf but they're internally screaming" goes t taurus, gemini, capricorn and virgo

sam: yep

halfborn: yep

mango: let's be real i give all the fucks

hearth: mmhmm sounds like me

alex: "gives too many fucks" cancer and scorpio

alex: mmmmmmmmmmmmmm idk

blitz: we all know im suffering so 

alex: okay last one

alex: "the signs as their usual thoughts"

jack: lez go

sam: im ready

tj: yayyyy

alex: aries: "T U R N U P"

mallory: mood

alex: taurus: "what"

sam: omg that's magnus

mango:

alex: gemini: "what if i was in a horror film??"

halfborn: actually this is accurate

mallory: if you were in a horror film you'd either be the one who survives or the white guy that gets killed first because you're an impulsive idiot. there's no in between.

alex: cancer: hungry

blitz: lmao when i work for too long,,

alex: leo: also "WAT"

tj: i agree with sam, that's magnus

mango: hmmph

alex: virgo: "well shit. what am i supposed to do?"

hearth: accurate

alex: me: "help"

blitz: mood

mango: mood

tj: mood

alex: sagittarius: "oh no human emotions"

jack: oh no that's true

alex: NO OKAY THIS ONE IS TOTALLY MAGNUS

alex: capricorn: "aaaaAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH"

mango: omg that's a summary of my life aksjdnskaJ

alex: ok that's all. now for reading everyone's personality and such. we're going to judge the accuracy ok

mango: got it

sam: cool

mallory: you guys are nerds

jack: time to learn everyone's darkest serets ahahaha

alex: first up, aries

mallory: wooo

alex:  Strengths: Courageous, determined, confident, enthusiastic, optimistic, honest, passionate

mallory: mm i'm kind of cynical so minus the optimistic part

alex: Weaknesses: Impatient, moody, short-tempered, impulsive, aggressive

halfborn: that's literally you

tj: you can't deny

mallory: i dont lmao thats accurate

alex: "As the first sign in the zodiac, the presence of Aries always marks the beginning of something energetic and turbulent. They are continuously looking for dynamic, speed and competition, always being the first in everything - from work to social gatherings.  Aries is one of the most active zodiac signs. It is in their nature to take action, sometimes before they think about it well."

mallory: yep. must we discuss anything?

hearth: nah this is pretty accurate

mango: agreed

alex: ok next is taurus

sam: that's mee

alex: Strengths: Reliable, patient, practical, devoted, responsible, stable

alex: Weaknesses: Stubborn, possessive, uncompromising

sam: i can be compromising

mango: barelycough

blitz: i'm literally having flashbacks to when we first met you lol you could've seriously fucked us up

sam: but i didnt <3 mostly

hearth: memories

mango: sobs so beautiful

alex: "Practical and well-grounded, Taurus is the sign that harvests the fruits of labor. They feel the need to always be surrounded by love and beauty, turned to the material world, hedonism, and physical pleasures. People born with their Sun in Taurus are sensual and tactile, considering touch and taste the most important of all senses. Stable and conservative, this is one of the most reliable signs of the zodiac, ready to endure and stick to their choices until they reach the point of personal satisfaction."

sam: i like that description. 

mango: quite fitting

tj: agreed

alex: gemini

alex: Strengths: Gentle, affectionate, curious, adaptable, ability to learn quickly and exchange ideas

tj: "gentle"

blitz: "affectionate"

halfborn: hey i CAN be

mallory: barely

halfborn:

alex: Weaknesses: Nervous, inconsistent, indecisive

halfborn: nervous?? me??? nEVER

tj: well when we had our first fight in valhalla,,,

halfborn: for the last time i wasnt scared of ur bayonet 

tj: debatable

alex: "Expressive and quick-witted, Gemini represents two different personalities in one and you will never be sure which one you will face. They are sociable, communicative and ready for fun, with a tendency to suddenly get serious, thoughtful and restless. They are fascinated with the world itself, extremely curious, with a constant feeling that there is not enough time to experience everything they want to see."

halfborn: i like that. but technically we have almost all the time in the world before ragnarok so

mallory: so basically you're hard-headed

halfborn: um do u SEE ur sign???

blitz: how compatable are aries and gemini?

alex: mutual understanding but issues

sam: ah seems accurate

alex: cancer time

alex: Strengths: Tenacious, highly imaginative, loyal, emotional, sympathetic, persuasive

blitz: yep

alex: Weaknesses: Moody, pessimistic, suspicious, manipulative, insecure

blitz: lol yep,,

alex: "Deeply intuitive and sentimental, Cancer can be one of the most challenging zodiac signs to get to know. They are very emotional and sensitive, and care deeply about matters of the family and their home. Cancer is sympathetic and attached to people they keep close. Those born with their Sun in Cancer are very loyal and able to empathize with other people's pain and suffering."

hearth: can confirm

mango: why did this make me emotional

sam: because it's true af

alex: leo

alex: Strengths: Creative, passionate, generous, warm-hearted, cheerful, humorous

tj: that is me :)

alex: Weaknesses: Arrogant, stubborn, self-centered, lazy, inflexible

tj: ...debatable

mallory: you are stubborn though

mango: honestly? we are all

alex: "People born under the sign of Leo are natural born leaders. They are dramatic, creative, self-confident, dominant and extremely difficult to resist, able to achieve anything they want to in any area of life they commit to. There is a specific strength to a Leo and their "king of the jungle" status. Leo often has many friends for they are generous and loyal. Self-confident and attractive, this is a Sun sign capable of uniting different groups of people and leading them as one towards a shared cause, and their healthy sense of humor makes collaboration with other people even easier."

sam: yep

tj: yep <3

mallory: uh huh

halfborn: true

alex: virgoooo

alex: Strengths: Loyal, analytical, kind, hardworking, practical

hearth: mhmm

alex: Weaknesses: Shyness, worry, overly critical of self and others, all work and no play

hearth: yep there it is

mango: purely accurate

mallory: "all work and no play" *flashbacks to the death discussion*

hearth: i will END you

alex: "Virgos are always paying attention to the smallest details and their deep sense of humanity makes them one of the most careful signs of the zodiac. Their methodical approach to life ensures that nothing is left to chance, and although they are often tender, their heart might be closed for the outer world. This is a sign often misunderstood, not because they lack the ability to express, but because they won’t accept their feelings as valid, true, or even relevant when opposed to reason. The symbolism behind the name speaks well of their nature, born with a feeling they are experiencing everything for the first time."

hearth: are you trying to make me emotional

blitz: ily hearth <3

hearth: aww ily too

mango: SOBS MY BEAUTIFUL FALAFEL

mango: *family autocorrect,,

sam: it all started with a capricorn, cancer and virgo

tj: AND WE STARTED WITH AN ARIES, GEMINI AND LEO

sam: i'm just kind of... in the middle

blitz: TAURUS AND SAGITTARIUS AND SCORPIO MAKES US COMPLETE

alex: speaking of which: me!

alex: Strengths: Resourceful, brave, passionate, stubborn, a true friend

mango: correct

alex: Weaknesses: Distrusting, jealous, secretive, violent

mango: woah also correct

sam: i see it

tj: yep

jack: what secrets are u hiding

mallory: stg you're here because of the drama

blitz: also accurate

jack: lmao trueee

alex: "Scorpio-born are passionate and assertive people. They are determined and decisive, and will research until they find out the truth. Scorpio is a great leader, always aware of the situation and also features prominently in resourcefulness. Scorpio is a Water sign and lives to experience and express emotions. Although emotions are very important for Scorpio, they manifest them differently than other water signs. In any case, you can be sure that the Scorpio will keep your secrets, whatever they may be."

alex: im just not good at emotions ok

hearth: *pats head* it's ok same here

jack: im next right?

alex: yep. sagittarius

alex: Strengths: Generous, idealistic, great sense of humor

mango: im adding that to the ode

jack: :DD

alex: Weaknesses: Promises more than can deliver, very impatient, will say anything no matter how undiplomatic

jack: yeah i have a big mouth

jack: well metaphorically

sam: we get it, because you're a sword

alex: "Curious and energetic, Sagittarius is one of the biggest travelers among all zodiac signs. Their open mind and philosophical view motivates them to wander around the world in search of the meaning of life. Sagittarius is extrovert, optimistic and enthusiastic, and likes changes. Sagittarius-born are able to transform their thoughts into concrete actions and they will do anything to achieve their goals."

mango: we all need a jack in our lives

jack: :)))

alex: last but not least, the man & myth & legend himself

alex: CAPRICORN

alex: Strengths: Responsible, disciplined, self-control, good managers

alex: i grudgingly agree

mango: yay

magnus: also me: "responsible" even though i screw up a lot

alex: Weaknesses: Know-it-all, unforgiving, condescending, expecting the worst

mango: i do expect the worst

blitz: at this point we all do 

alex: "Capricorn is a sign that represents time and responsibility, and its representatives are traditional and often very serious by nature. These individuals possess an inner state of independence that enables significant progress both in their personal and professional lives. They are masters of self-control and have the ability to lead the way, make solid and realistic plans, and manage many people who work for them at any time. They will learn from their mistakes and get to the top based solely on their experience and expertise."

mango: that's giving me way too much credit

mallory: this mess started with you

sam: yes

hearth: but we love you for it

mango: :))))

alex: that's all i have for now, except this

alex: ALL THE SIGNS THAT ARE IN THE "NOT AS COOL AS SCORPIO SQUAD" = everyone 

mallory: wanna bet

halfborn: fight me

jack: HOLD UP THERE

mango: it's ok i'm used to the "other" category by now lmaoooo

tj: weirdos for life

mango: yeah

sam: yeah?

tj: did you guys know i memorized the hamilton characters signs

alex: annnd imma leave before we get into that

the "mangos and signs" group chat has ended

 

 

Chapter Text

mango opened the "math is hell" group chat

mango: pls guys i'm fucked who's awake??

alex: ugh magnus wdyw

mango: nice to see you too

hearth: hey fam

mango: hey

mallory: oh no already fucked and finals haven't even began?? that's rough, buddy

alex: oh hush i'm sure you're struggling too

halfborn: as her chem buddy i can confirm

mallory: if we were in some apocalytic au, i'd kill you all

tj: ...and bring us back, right?

mallory: of course. what do you take me as, a monster?

alex: but back to the main point. what's up, magnus?

mango: wellll you know our math homework?

alex: lmao wasn't going to do it

tj: alex!!

alex: what?? i've already served my nickel you can come tAKE ME

tj: but you're doing art right now, aren't you?

alex: yeah so? imma be an artist not some albert einstein or whatever

hearth: when you care more about art than core subjects

alex: blitz would understand

hearth: he might be focused on clothing but he still does his math and shit. kinda part of the job descripton,,

alex: i dont need your logic

mango: blitz and sam could help me this shit!!! i hATE math

tj: just turn the equation into falafel. you'll be fine

mango: yeah thanks thomas that helps a lot

tj: yay!

mallory: whispers he was being sarcastic

tj: oh

mango: can someone get blitz?? hEARTH HELP ME BUDDY

hearth: he's busy

mango: PLEASE

hearth: dude he's already stressed about his clothing store he doesn't need your petty high school shit rn ok

mango: wow... ok mom

hearth: stfu child

halfborn: maybe we can solve it! the equation can't be that bad

mango:

mango: have you even looked at the homework?

halfborn: no

mallory: lmao no

hearth: not really

alex: yeah but like i said idc i already got bs and as so what's the point

tj: yeah i started some...

mango: ok everyone do question 10 because im struggling. then come and check with me as i try to get sam

mango went to his dm and texted sam

mango: hey buddy

mango: i mean samirah

mango: sam, whatever

mango: can u help a guy out?

mango: i need help w/ the math homework

mango: cuz you know i suck at math

mango: blitz is too busy to help me and we all know he's great at math

mango: tj is too but he hasn't started it yet and idk how much he really understands yanno

mango: pls help

mango: sam

mango: sam

mango: sam PLEASE

mango: at least give me falafel

mango:

mango: hello??

sam: oh hey magnus

mango: thank GOD

sam: i'm kind of busy right now w/ my tutoring, cleaning, organizing my schedule and doing the rough draft of our ela essay so just sit tight ok

mango: sighs

mango: you're lucky i'm nice and care about you

mango came back to the "math is hell" group chat

mallory: any luck cuz i'm confused too??

mango: nope. but what did you guys get?

tj: 12

mallory: 9.5

hearth: 6

halfborn: abraham lincoln

hearth:

mallory:

mango:

tj:

halfborn: idk how but,,

mango: holy fuck you guys are impossible

alex: lmao sorry i actually took a break from my art project and this is AMUSING

tj: this counts toward our finals too!!! guys we need to take this seriously

mallory: ugh instead of going to volleyball practice i'm probably going to have to stay home and study for this shit tomorrow and i am NOT in the mood

alex: sucks to be you

mango: ok do you even care about this grade??

alex: yes but there's a thing called after school and bonus work. like i said i'm an ARTIST not a mathmecanic or whatever it's called

hearth: ...this might be why you need to do yo math lol

halfborn: being an artist isn't an excuse for life, fierro

alex: well guess what? SCREW THE EXPECTATIONS

mango: yeah ok so my answer was closer to tj's soooo

tj: i can send you a quick tutorial yanno

mango: pls im dying and im starving and i cant take this dude

mango: also im gonna send you guys videos of jack to destress ourselves

mallory: ooh you can lie and say jack ate your homework

mango: no one is going to believe my bird ate my homework, mal

hearth: you know what? i expected her to say something like that

mallory: jealous i thought of it first?

hearth: least creative excuse

alex: now who's the artist

hearth: shush

tj sent a video to the "math is hell" group chat 

halfborn: magnus didn't you have time to do this during class??

mango: I WAS SLEEPING FOR GOD'S SAKE

tj: dont mention that to samirah or she wont help you

mango: ik i must block her from this chat

alex: how do you get decent grades

mango: idk dude i just kind of do things and see what happens lol but i'm probably one of the only people here with a c

mallory: i have a c

halfborn: me too

tj:..that makes sense

hearth: right lol

alex: even i dont have a c lol get on my level

mango: oh hey tj this makes sense now

tj: glad i could help! i admit 15 and 17 look hard though sooo idk how much i can help you

mango: hey as long as i do 67% of this homework i'm good

mallory: make it 50%

halfborn: yeah we have an excuse because we're on sports teams

mallory: which sucks because now we have to focus on TWO whole things (not counting personal lives)

halfborn: #thestruggle

tj: yeah that's true but i managed to do this before basketball practice so :p

mallory: that's because you're a good child

tj: :))) ik

mango sent the "math is hell" group chat a video

mango: im questioning life

alex: i see why. it's a thursday afternoon and you're sending us bird videos. honestly what is your life

mango: i don't know

mango: AH FUCK

tj: what happened??

hearth: is my child ok

mallory: do we want to know

mango: JACK JUST FLEW OUT OF HIS CAGE

halfborn: why were you opening the cage??

mango: ANIMALS WERE MADE TO BE FREE DON'T JUDGE ME

tj: i highly support that opinion <3

mango: OH FUCK HE'S GOING CRAZY

mallory: this is why i kicked out my roommate's pet

halfborn: cayce had a bird?

mallory: no animals just can't be trusted. i already have to deal with you

hearth: shade thrown

mango: CRIES JACK STOP FLYING EVERYWHERE YOU'RE GOING TO SEE A WINDOW AND TRY TO FLY OUT OF IT AND THEN DIE AND I CAN'T HANDLE ANYMORE ANXIETY PLS

mallory: i'll play mm whatcha say at the funeral

tj: !!!!

mango: sobs

hearth: this literally sums up high school life

alex: a loose bird, sobbing, group chats and idiots getting "abe lincoln" as an answer to a math question?

hearth: just absolute chaos

mallory: right?? like we have personal lives, pets, and sports and then finals come and shit hits the fan and we're all screaming around and rushing to get shit done before finals before we're all dead inside and they wonder why gen z is suffering dfjbfsijsdvasj

halfborn: mood

tj: i guess you can say it's high school without the musical

mallory: oo

halfborn: oooo

alex: sweet ref

tj: WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER

mallory: ONCE WE KNOW THAT WE ARE

halfborn: WE'RE ALL STARS

alex: AND WE SEE THAT WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER

tj: AND IT SHOWS WHEN WE STAND

halfborn: HAND IN HAND

mallory: MAKE OUR DREAMS COME TRUE

mango: im sorry but are you guys fucking singing high school musical while we're all trying to do homework????

tj:

tj: TOGETHER TOGETHER TOGETHER EVERYONE

mango: UGH

mango went to his dm and texted sam

mango: THEY'RE SINGING HSM HELP

mango: I APPRECIATE IT BUT THEY'RE DISTRACTING

mango: SAAAAM WHAT'S ANSWER TO 15 AND 17

sam: it's fucking ramen noodle stfu

mango:

mango came back to the "math is hell" group chat

mango: you might as well change the fuckin name too!!!

alex changed the group chat name to "TOGETHER WE'RE FAILING MATH"

mango: thanks for putting that into perspective

tj: WE'VE ARRIVED BECAUSE WE STUCK TOGETHER

halfborn: CHAMPIONS ONE AND ALL

alex: WE'RE ALLLLLLL IN THIIIIIIS TOGETHERRRR

mango: im so fucking screwed ;=; also sam said the answer was ramen noodle and i think she was joking but for real someone check this

tj:

tj: holy fuck you're right

 

Chapter Text

mango: GUYS I'M FREAKING THE FUCK OUT

alex: woahh what happened

mallory: you uh chill buddy?? i'm kinda in my yoga to the death class

tj: ditto. what's up?

mango: ODIN JUST CALLED ME

jack: sucks to be you lol

mango: SAAAM PLS ANSWER I NEED YOU WHY DOES HE WANT ME

sam: odd. he never told me he was trying to call you sometime.

mango: THAT ISN'T WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR

blitz: if this is another quest i am going to die

blitz: er metaphorically *sweats nervously*

hearth: i'll fucking punch something if he needs us to do anything

halfborn: i like punching things :))

sam: calm down. if there were any quest plans that'd kill us i'd know about it. everything's been relatively calm in the norse world so

alex: shocker

mango: uiewaiubawguidbsiuda

mango: why me???

mallory: well, you have to answer it!!

mango: uisdbfisdunhsiopa

blitz: kid, just answer the damn phone

mango: fINE

mango: mango chase residence how may i help you

alex:

mango: oh my god

tj: what happened? LUCILLE IS READY

jack: yassss weapon bros for life

sam: i forgot he named that damned bayonet

mango: he wants to join the chat tf im freaking out

mallory: did he say anything else?

mango: um

mango: he was like "oh hi magnus what you've been up to?" and i mentioned the chat so

mango: he wanted to know if i was with my friends 

mango: wHAT COULD HE WANT FROM US

blitz: maybe he's looking for a sponsor

alex: uh uh maggie's MY sponsor

heart: i'd rather not die

sam: magnus. just answer.

mango: FINE

odin has joined the chat

odin: HEY KIDS WHAT'S POPPIN

alex: holy hel

odin: how's my fave demigod children slash mythical creatures??

hearth: excuse

hearth: not dying so yaaay

odin: i feel you lmao

sam: hello sir. you didn't inform me you'd be here

jack: yeah and we're all kind of nervous soo

blitz: ...how's your brand deals?

odin: perfect, thanks for asking! as for you, miss al-abbas, i was going to make this a surprise!!

tj: oh we love surprises

sam: watch it jeffs

sam: um really? sooo what's going on?

mango: sir i don't feel so good pls i don't want to die

halfborn: demigod ptsd is a bitch, i know

odin: no one's dying

blitz: hallelujah

magno: thank the mango gods

alex: oh lol then what do you want

odin: welll it's been awhile since our last public exchange...

mallory: yep. defeated loki. because we're badass like that

odin: so i decided to run my demigod survey!

mango: wait... what?

sam: facepalms of course! odin here does these type of things- projects, business and other affairs regarding demigod life, hence hotel valhalla. when i was a new valkyrie i had to take literally tons of surveys. you know, for improvement purposes.

blitz: of course

alex: how long did you practice those lines

sam: oh shush

mango: so... we're just taking surveys?

odin: yep

mango: and we're not dying?

odin: that would be correct

mango: ..no tricks?

odin: of course not! unlike some people {insert loki, thor, freya, etc.} i don't hastily do things. all my plans are organized. you have my word! besides, if i give you my card you can see that statistically the majority of my associations with demigods have nothing to do with casualties and quests. i used to do these kind of things monthly but ran out of time. god stuff you know :/ but now i'm back!! trying to improve valhalla- though thinks to be it's still the most lit place in the nine worlds

halfborn: oh yes we stay lit with our yoga and nachos to the death

odin: exactly!!

tj: not to mention the amazing coffee/tea service

mallory: hell yeah

mango: oh. well. we'll gladly take your surveys and such

odin: right! i'll send a document to you all separately. commentary is appreciated!

alex: ooh. this is the perfect time for me to give you my new firework ideas when it's the first week of july

tj: yes!!! of course, anyone with ptsd as halfborn mentioned wouldn't care for it so if we could just improve individual parties...

odin: i'm up for anything! i might have to call my companies- and trust me, there are SO MANY across the nine worlds- and i might have to renew several applications and whatnot generally for everyone's ideas... but we can make it work. plus, i have samirah!

sam: ...believe it or not guys, running errands that doesn't involve the norse afterlife is common

mango: she's running errands with her mom

sam: shut up, chase

mallory: hahaha feel conned?

sam: ...i'm not going to answer that

sam: cough I mean of course not! It's ODIN we're talking about

alex: WELCOME TO BIBLE STUDY WE'RE ALL CHILDREN OF ODIN

blitz: i have so many questions

odin: 1) samirah is such a great assistant/valkyrie!! one of the best!!! 11/10 would hire again

sam: aww

tj: we're proud, sam!

mango: ditto <3

halfborn: of course

mallory: yep

hearth: 100%

jack: agreed

blitz: definitely

alex: YEET

odin: 2) sdfhidfjsk; you kind of are my children... kind of. because like. i. really appreciate.. you guys

mango: aww!!?? that's??? sweet??

blitz: well i'm a parent of mango so you might have to rephrase this

odin: nah you are all just gonna be my kids 

blitz: ... ok yeah sure

alex: you're like the nicest god ever

mango: i can confirm from annabeth that this is true. greek and roman gods suck af

odin: all part of my "how to have norse domination while establishing strong relationships with your peers" handbook

tj: woah

tj: can i read that??

odin: sure fam i'll give you the link later

hearth: lmao do you have a parenting guide?

odin: "odin's guide to parenting"

hearth: oh so no fancy title

blitz: ...can i read that book?

hearth:

mango:

odin: sure

mango: ...can i get new books too?

odin: new books for everyone!!!

alex: GODS HE'S LIKE THE FATHER I NEVER HAD

hearth: preach that shit

odin: sPEAKING OF PARENTS

odin: i recommended them to speak with you all this afternoon!

mallory: wait...what

odin: see you later!!!!!

odin has left

blitz: well fuck we're screwed


thor: HELLO

alex: oh it's just you lmao

freya: HI!

blitz: fuck

mallory: lol

blitz: just you wait

freya: hey son!!! <3 how are you??? the business doing okay?? how's your love life??

blitz: freya

blitz: stop. pls.

freya: oh come! tell your dear mother the gossip :))

blitz: there is no gossip

freya: mm i heard otherwise

blitz: ???

blitz: well sorry i can't help you

freya: hearth sweetie!! how are you?

hearth: i'm good, thanks for asking

freya: see blitz? why can't you be as sweet as your future hubby?

blitz: udyhbsajlbnlakj

freya: I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE WEDDING

mango: ditto tho

tj: it's going to be the best wedding

mallory: it better be or im getting my money back

blitz: why are you here...mother?

freya: i can't say hi to my baby boy?

halfborn: lmao

blitz: im so ready to end it all

blitz: usually you want something so

freya: how dareth! i am a lovely, kind, beautiful person :))

blitz:

sam: "dareth"

freya: oh hi magnus!!! have you told alex you loved him/her lately?

mango: um

alex: ahhahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAAA

alex: right! have you?

sam: high five me fellow sibling

alex: yesss

mango: this is a lot of unnecessary peer pressure

blitz: {this is why we don't introduce my mom to things}

mango: yes... i do in fact love alex if... that was the question

alex: you're so stupid

alex: ily too

mango: yay i feel valid

alex: you are... in your weird little ways, of course

mango: of course

freya: so i heard one of you guys wanted a dating site?

tj:

tj: that was a joke 

freya: i'll give you the link anyway ;) i'm sure there are lots of people willing to date a sweetheart like you

tj: aw thanks

mallory: if he's not dating lucille

freya: Oooh who's lucille

tj: my bayonet

freya:

alex: there you go people. tj x bayonet is canon

tj: ...no it's not ew

tj: lucille hon close your (imaginary) ears they are speaking treachery

jack: offensive

mango: hey jack maybe you can date lucille!

jack: cries IM STILL NOT OVER RIPTIDE HOW DARE YOU

blitz: this is the shit love causes

blitz: well i mean i'm perfectly fine because i have hearth but that's different

hearth: aw <3 ily

freya: stay "safe at night" if you know what i mean

blitz: fREYA

blitz: STOPP

mallory: and i thought frigg was bad hA

frigg has entered the group chat

frigg: you take that mcfriggen back

mallory: holy s

blitz: HA

thor: YO WE'VE BEEN IGNORING ME FOR LIKE A WHOLE FIVE MINUTES WHY CAN'T WE FANBOY/GIRL ABOUT NETFLIX

sam: most of them are still recovering from voltron

thor: OH GEEZ DON'T GET ME STARTED

mango: maybe next time :)))

thor: b-but jessica jones?? riverdale?? orange is the new black?? stranger things?? sense8?? daredevil?? a series of unfortunate events?? luke cage, lucifer-

alex: I AGREE but we're not ready for all those emotions

tj: cries stranger things

thor: YESSS

tj: YESSS

thor: YESSS

tj: yesssS

thor: love your bayonet

tj: oh thank you :) like your hammer

jack: "i love your sword, magnus" oH THANKS NOBODY

tj: i forever appreciate you

jack: you're doing better than magnus

mango: hey!

jack: jk i love you bro

mango: bro

frigg: HOW IS EVERYONE TODAY

halfborn: you know it's mal's mother if she uses caps

mallory: they've been all using caps

hearth: i'm so confused now this is a mess

halfborn: lmao me too 

sam: so glad loki isn't here

alex: you can fucking preach that

mango: don't remind me

tyr has entered the group chat

tj: GASP

tj: DAD

tyr: SON

tj: family reunion montage

tyr: that's my boy

mango: ah hello sir! nice to see you

sam: sir?

mango: im sorry i panicked he's like a legend

tyr: hi magnus!

tj: what have you been up to?

tyr: battle yanno

mallory: all day everyday

tyr: yepp

tyr: tell lucille i said hi

tj: gotcha :)

alex:

odin has entered the group chat

odin: sorry everyone!! time's up!!! next norse god meeting is in 5 so everyone get ready

thor: damn right before my binge >:(

freya: bye lovelies!!

tyr: bye thomas <3

tj: bye dad <3

frigg: this isn't friggin over

frigg: lol

frey has entered the group chat

frey: WHAT DID I MISS

tj: lol

mango: DAD!!

mango: dad #2 i mean

blitz:

odin: ah sorry dude we have to go...

freya: iusfnisefnseknel;s

frey: tHE ONE TIME IM HERE

mango: it's ok. do your godly ish. 

frey: love you son

mango: aw... thanks

mango: im so bad at emotions omg

frey: nah dont worry you get that from me

mango: makes sense

alex: your dad's a mood. arriving late with starbucks

frey: me, everyday

odin: PEACE

the gods have left

halfborn: that was chaos

sam: you dont even work with them so imagine how i feel

amir: what the heck

sam: amir!!! how long have you been here???

amir: ive been here all day and i question what i've seen

amir: so like... the gods have... social media?

alex: yep pretty much

hearth: crazy, right?

amir: allah help me

sam: mood

blitz: im just. done. with the gods. like... i want pEACE

mallory: good luck with that

sam: hidaya doesn't have to deal with this

amir: right

mallory: but she does have to deal with liza and david's breakup

jack: YOUTUBE 

mango: why are we having this conversation

tj: why not?

alex: let the fandom beee

amir: im going to stare at a wall and rethink life

blitz: let me join you

Chapter Text

jack: WELL FUCK

jack: GUYS COME ONLINE I HAVE NEWS

alex: IS IT FANDOM-RELATED

jack: YES

alex: HELL YEAH BITCH I'M IN

mango: oh no what is it :00

mallory: at least he's picking a decent time instead of spamming us at 4:00am

halfborn: you're lucky i'm ditching water painting to the death

tj: WHICH FANDOM IS IT VOLTRON

jack: YEP

mango: OH HELL

jack: YEAH SEASON 7??? YEAH IT'S COMING ON AUGUST 10TH

tj: spits tea into the harbor what?

alex: AHHHHH

mango: wELL FUCK

halfborn: why do i tolerate this

mallory: sometimes i ask myself the same thing

jack: Y'ALL ARE LUCKY YOU HAVE ME SO I CAN KEEP YOU POSTED

mallory: i genuinely want to know what you do in your spare time, jack

jack: my life is fandoms, music, stabbing, thinking about the past, chatting for hours about shit, looking on dating websites (thanks freya), etc. 

mango: i can confirm

jack: like you know my private life lmao

alex: SEASON 7 IS SO CLOSE I CAN PRACTICALLY TASTE IT

mallory: jfc alex is going to be hyped for the rest of the month thanks jack

alex: MmmMmMmMMM I'M NOT RECOVERED FROM THAT SHIT

mango: me neither usdybsaudbnasjk

tj: SCREAMS

halfborn: they wonder why we didn't join their book club

tj: you don't know what you're missing dude

mango: yeah we have plenty of german lit. that only tj's read

alex: because he's a lot more cultured than us

mallory: ah makes sense

alex: BUT ANYWAY

alex: FUCK SEASON 6 STILL GOT ME SOBBING AND WE ALL RANTED ABOUT IT FOR LIKE... A WHOLE WEEK AFTER IT CAME OUT

tj: you slammed so many doors

mango: i nearly flipped over my couch again

mallory: ...again?

mango: long story

jack: i sang the theme for hours trying to control my insanity

alex: IF LANCE DOESN'T GET ENOUGH SCREEN TIME I WILL LOSE MY SHIT

jack: important question: keith or lance

alex: GASP

alex: hOW DARETH???

alex: THEY'RE BOTH MY BABIES

alex: SEASON 6 HAD ME QUAKING WITH ALL THOSE KEITH MOMENTS

alex: LIKE OMG WE HAVE HIS BACKSTORY AND HIS ANIME MONTAGE AND HIS BLACK PALADIN ARC FULFILLED WHAT ELSE COULD YOU WANT???

mango: preach

tj: i agree

mango: tag yourself im lance being awkward af

alex: i'm keith's inner emo monologue

tj: i'm hunk trying to figure shit out :)

jack: i can be the space wolf lmao

alex: OMGG THE SPACE WOLF IS A FUCKING MOOD I STAN A PRECIOUS DOGGY BOI

alex: SPEAKING OF WHICH FURRY LANCE

mango: ICON

tj: the only furry that doesn't scare me :)

jack: yeah the concept's weird

mallory: says the talking sword

mango: that whole dnd episode was lit af

alex: nerd lmao

mango: oh pls ik you secretly love it

halfborn: PFFT ME TOO

mallory: oh great

tj: YAY

alex: we need valhalla to have dnd to the death

tj: HECK THAT'S PERFECT

alex: back to screaming

alex: KROLIA THO!!!

jack: QUEEN

tj: SHE CAN STEP ON MY FACE

jack: I'D SING COUNTRY FOR HER because apparently that's what keith's dad did???

alex: well he did more than that

alex: OKAY BUT ROMELLE IS SO HOT

mango: AGREED

tj: voltron barely has any blondes so romelle was a relief

tj: also cALLED IT

alex: romelle reminds me of magnus because i stg im literally waiting for her to have some disney princess moment

mango: udyabduadnaidsjal

alex: i'm ready for romelle x allura

jack: yesss ready for the lesbians

tj: her story really is sad tho :'(

alex: what's sad is that lotor's arc could have been much better

mango: i called that...

alex: STFU CHASE I WAS ROOTING FOR HIM

alex: sOBS

tj: lotor's arc went so quick and idk how to feel about that...

mango: he might come back tho right?

alex: maybe

alex: i still can't believe zarkon's just. poof. gone. 

jack: ikr like that plot choice was woah

tj: the REAL sad thing is kuron...

alex: IK BUT I WASN'T GOING TO MENTION IT BECAUSE IT DESTROYED ME

mango: cries THE FLASHBACKS MADE IT WORSE

alex: THEY WERE BROTHERS AND THEY LOVED EACH OTHER BUT NOOOO 

mango: A WHOLE DAMN MOOD

tj: cries takashi deserves better than this shit

tj: HECK I FEEL BAD FOR KURON TOO IT'S NOT HIS FAULT HE'S A CLONE >:(

alex: kuron = i was trying to have a good time but honestly i feel so fucking attacked

jack: mood

mango: speaking of attacked i hope allura my queen is ok

alex: YES

alex: WE SHALL ALL HAVE REVENGE ON LOTOR 

alex: SHE. DESERVES. BETTER!!!!

jack: i will stab lotor in his perfect purple face

tj: AVENGE ALTEA SEUIDBNSAJKDS;AK

mango: *claps* ALURA *claps* IS AMAZING *claps* AND I HOPE *claps* SHE STAYS SAFE *claps* AND KNOWS HOW MUCH *claps* SHE IS LOVED

mango: plus the allura-lance relationship is goals

alex: AGREED DUIRBFSEUJDBNSAK;L 

tj: i'm so shook that everyone's going back to earth

mango: what if they leave matt

alex: gasp

alex: over my dead body

jack: i mean, not hard lol

alex: oh shut up jack

tj: lance needs to play in the rain :( also colleen needs happiness :( AND I HOPE SENDAK STOPS BEING A LITTLE BITCH

tj: oops excuse my language

mango: nah fam that's valid

alex: p r e a c h ! ! !

alex: god we're all dead

jack: i can see all the sobbing

jack: i mean i have no eyes but still

tj: fuck us

mango: agreed

blitz has entered the group chat

blitz: what are we sceaming about?

alex: VOLTRON

mango: SEASON 6

jack: FUCKING DESTROYED US

tj: MERP

blitz: lmao again?

mango: uh duh. that shit was emotional.

alex: we'll never be healed

blitz: okay angsty teens

blitz: did you hear about adam?

tj: who's adam?

alex: ??

blitz: oh. the recent voltron news??

jack: THERE'S MORE????

blitz: uh yeah

alex: TELL US!1!!!!1111!!!!!11!!1!!!

mango: PLEASE IM FREAKING OUT ALREADY

tj: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

blitz: welp

blitz: adam's shiro's boyfriend

alex: W H A -

alex: HE'S EVEN MORE OF A FUCKING LEGEND HOLY SHIT SPACE DAD I LOVE YOU *sobs*

mango: I HOPE ADAM AND SHIRO ARE HAPPY TOGETHER AND ONCE SHIRO GOES BACK TO EARTH HE CAN CUDDLE WITH HIM

tj: CRIES THAT'S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL

jack: v a a a a l i i i i d

mallory: what the fuck did you do to them

blitz: hey this is dreamworks' fault not mine

alex: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

tj: adam protection program 2k18

mango: im making a whole discord server

jack: hell yeah

alex: takashi and adam, the space dads we all need as gay icons

alex: im dying

mango: we can rest peacefully now... well until season7 comes

alex: ONE MORE THING

alex: HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY LANCE

mango: BLUE BOY WE ADORE <3

tj: hhhhHHHH <3 <3

jack: we are celebrating his birthday in valhalla

alex: yesss

mallory: oh lord

Chapter Text

alex: hey guys im back again to ruin your life :))

mallory: with more fandoms??

alex: no with zodiac signs

jack: oh

jack: yay

tj: cool!!!

mango: yep let's go

mallory: more shitposting. i like it

hearth: how smutty is this one getting

alex: you know me too well ;)

blitz: jfc

alex: okay let's start

halfborn: WOOOO I'M READY

sam: i actually looked through some of her posts and... yikes

blitz: oh no

alex: FIRST UP! The signs on rollercoasters

mango: throwing up

mallory: i can imagine lol

tj: gasp what if valhalla had rollercoasters!!

mango: don't give odin any ideas

halfborn: i, personally, think that would be fun

sam: me too :)

alex: aries first

mallory: of course

alex: "too short to ride it"

blitz: nah that's me

mallory: exactly! I AM NOT SHORT

halfborn: i like that idea. fiesty people being short af. lol. they're like tiny little demons

hearth: sassy too

blitz:

blitz: thanks babe i know

jack: what about me???? i'm LITERALLY A SWORD

mango: you can float or smth

alex: next up is taurus

alex: "trying to pose for the picture"

blitz: ALSO ME

hearth: see what i mean guys

sam: lol okay then

sam: i think i'd just be worried that my hijab will fly off

sam: but then again i seriously doubt it

blitz: right because i made it magical and shit

alex: right

alex: gemini- "riding the kiddie rollercoasters"

mallory: LMAO I'D LIKE TO SEE HIM FIT HIS ASS IN THAT

halfborn: context, mallory

mallory: SHUT UP

tj: lmaooo

halfborn: maybe i find them fun

mango: yo fam i'm not judging

sam: it's okay magnus you can join him in the kids section

alex: ooh nice one sis

sam: thanks

mango: ;-; im not a kid

sam: just yesterday you were upset that you couldn't find your floaties to go swimming to the death

jack: and i accidently cut them so you didn't talk to me for the next 5 mins

alex: aww maggie

mango: STAHP

blitz: i can confirm

hearth: me too

mango: mOM, DAD

mallory: don't blame them with your problems

hearth: exactly leave us alone

mango: well damn

tj: it's ok magnus floaties are cool

magnus:

alex: ahem anyway

alex: cancer- "goes on the same ride 10 times"

blitz: whatever works tbh. personally i'm too stressed for rollercoasters

sam: i'd ride the same ride 20 times

tj: ME TOO

jack: me too because i cant get sick/injured :)))

alex: leo- "cries at the picture that was taken"

tj: would not >:(

mango: honestly that stuck up leo stereotype doesn't apply to you

tj: aw thanks :)

sam: yes you are a sweet cinnamon bun

tj: <3 <3

mallory: he would cry when he realizes he left lucile on the ride

tj: yeah maybe but it's LUCILE

jack: tbh id cry if my edges werent right

mango: jack wtf

alex: virgo- "barfs"

alex: sorry hearth

hearth: mmm i cant see that

mango: i'd barf

blitz: accurate

alex: scorpio- "sneaks back on"

alex: omg i would

mango: "i sneak onto a fair ride (not clickbait)"

alex: OMGG THE VLOGGER AU YES

mallory: take me with you

halfborn: AND ME!

tj: me too!!!

alex: gotcha!!!

blitz: ...what is wrong with you people?

hearth: k while y'all do that the rest of us will be having nachos

sam: ah yes

mango: and falafel

alex: oh no

alex: sagittarius- "eating"

jack: welp im a sword rip

hearth: rip

mango: dont worry i'll have falafel for you

jack: you mean for YOU

mango: ..yeah but i'll let you hover beside me

jack: sighs fine

alex: capricorn- "brags you went on one"

mango: "HEY GUYS I SURVIVED!!!"

tj: YAY FOR LIVING

hearth: claps A MIRACLE

mango: yeah that would be me >:)

jack: "hEY I'M HIS SWORD!! I KNOW HIM!!"

sam: i can totally see that tbh

alex: next is Twister hehehehhe

sam: oh no

blitz: welp we're screwed

tj: oh hey i actually know that game!! mallory and i had a Twister to the Death before

mallory: was NOT fun

jack: do they like purposely put you guys in suggestive poses or..?

mallory: nah it's random selection

halfborn: was that sarcasm? because i swear in every class there was some awkward shit going on

tj: shady af

mallory: no for real everything was supposed to be random selection

sam: the odds either way aren't going to be in your favor

alex: ..imma just start now

alex: aries- "Comes face to face with their crush/significant other, head-butts them so hard that they fall."

halfborn: mm what about suggestive poses

mallory: shut the FUCK up

mallory: i refuse to be that weak

tj: you can't control the game, mal

mallory: oh says the person that was going to charge someone for making him land on blue!!!

tj: IT WAS TOO CLOSE TO YOUR BELT AND I KNOW YOU HAVE KNIVES

halfborn: mal you want some twister to the death ;))

mallory: yeah so i can kill you by making you legs wrap around your throat

mango: woah that's dark

alex: taurus- "Has likely dislocated something but keeps playing."

sam: oh no

mango: aka the gods force us

hearth: oh hell no

sam: "sorry i have religious restrictions i have to be in a sitting position so i can pray so oops no twisting myself uncomfortably"

alex: "yep that's religion"

sam: if only

mango: but honestly sam is one of the strongest here to like. she'd survive Twister to the Death

sam: aww thanks

jack: me too

blitz: you couldn't really play

jack: that's sword discrimination

alex: gemini- "Has had like 20 shots of vodka and is drunk as hell."

halfborn: thus far the most accurate omg

tj: yeah i'm hiding that class from you and mal now

blitz: that's frickin terrifying

jack: what kind of drunk are you?

halfborn: the stupid/loud drunk™

mallory: you're always stupid so what's new

tj: omfg im having flashbacks to my first few days in valhalla

mallory: OH YEAH WE HAD THAT PARTY

tj: AND HALFBORN WAS SO DRUNK HE WAS SINGING MICHAEL JACKSON

mallory: WITH THAT WEIRD RED JACKET

tj: LOL

mallory: LOL

mango: wow and i thought jack was weird like that

hearth: good thing swords can't drink alcohol :)) or anything :))

jack: #hurtful

alex: lmaoo

alex: cancer- "Making sure that nobody broke anything."

mango: dad friend™

blitz: well someone has to be responsible

sam: i can imaging you being like "mallory this is what you get for being a fool oH MY GOD HEARTH SWEETIE ARE YOU OKAY BOOBOO DO YOU NEED ICE??"

tj: ooh sam got jokes

sam: yep :)

mango: THAT'S ACCURATE

mallory: AGREED

blitz:

blitz: my elf will stay safe

hearth: <3 ily too

mango: goals

alex: blitz would act like michael scott during that fire drill

alex: "OH GOD IT'S HAPPENING STAY FUCKING CALM"

blitz: internally, yes

alex: leo- "Apologizes every time they bump into someone."

tj: FINALLY A LEO THING THAT'S ACCURATE

mallory: mm that's not what you said during the blue spot incident

tj: okay well it had been 5 long hours of having that coffee machine broken and i was already done i'm sorry mal

hearth: he's the aggressive apologizer™

tj: when i need to be :))

halfborn: when we were enemies he would be like "oh i am SO sorry" in a really cold, sarcastic way and when he actually meant it i was like "no you're not" and so he flipped out screaming "SAY YOU FORGIVE ME UEDBNWJKADSA"

alex: yes our sweet boy thomas has a dark side

tj: i was angry then ;-; i have much more self-control and love in my heart <3

sam: yep still an angel

tj: :"))

alex: virgo- "Is the spinner. Reads some of the colors out wrong on purpose."

mango: he would be the one

hearth: yes i am the other "angel"

alex: i dont blame him. i'd personally make magnus fall

mango: hey!

mallory: don't worry we can get him back ;)))

hearth: jfc

blitz: i applaud hearth for his fakeness

hearth: aww that's so sweet

mango: dont mess with hearth

blitz: dont mess with my elf

alex: sagittarius- "Isn't even playing and is putting the game on their snapchat."

jack: ME

sam: thus far the MOST accurate. sorry halfborn

halfborn: eh

mango: he'd be making fun of us 

jack: especially you

mango: oh >:(

alex: "looollllllLLL magnus looks like a whole snake heehhehHHEHEHEH"

alex: like whatcha gonna say

jack: "lol you're as twisted as your life now"

mango: ok that actually hurt

tj: we'd go viral

sam: odin, in the sky: smh what kids have i raised

mallory: LOOK AT ME NOW, MOM

alex: scorpio- "Trips other players in order to win."

alex: SO me

tj:  i can feel the pain already

halfborn: oh yes we're totally doing this now WHERE'S MY VODKA

mallory: HALFBORN NO

halfborn: HALFBORN YES

mango: at least i can heal everyone :3

alex: pls let me kick one person

sam: who do you want to kick??

alex: whoever i feel like at the moment

mallory: does that also apply to your sex life?

alex: mal

alex: stop

alex: we're not even at the good kinky stuff yet!!

mango: wait

hearth: what???

blitz: oh boy

alex: you'll see

sam: told you guys hsbdja

jack: well fuck this'll be interesting ;)

alex: LAST ONE

alex: capricorn- "Has got into some sort of suggestive position with their crush/significant other. Or: Falls in the first round."

alex: hmm. really puts things in perspective

jack: LOL

mango: !!!!

mango: THE LATTER

hearth: well i'll be the judge of that :)) im the spinner :))

mango: fuck you mom

hearth: no thanks we already have our own person to do that

mango: udrnbdjfslkj screams

sam: no for real he'd be the first to fall

mallory: he has like zero coordination

halfborn: or strength!

tj: would definitely be the last to win

mango: gee thanks

alex: now that we're on this topic- and to get it out of the way so it doesn't haunt us too much- i present you guys with THE SIGNS AS THEIR SECRET KINKS

mango: NOOOO

jack: YEEEESS

sam: my innocent muslim ears do not want to hear this

mallory: IM READY TO SHAME EVERYONE

blitz: killmenowplsdeargods

alex: IM DOING IT ANYWAY

mango: why is alex like this

tj: is that a rhetorical question?

alex: ARIES FIRST

mallory: whatever im ready

alex: "dominating, roughness"

alex: yeah that's right guys you can calm down we're not getting like THAT deep into things smh

mallory: #accurate

jack: #spicy 

sam:

mallory: what? i got no shame nor anything to add so. whatever.

alex: dwight schrute voice halfborn, do you confirm?

halfborn: sounds accurate

tj: jfc

sam: oh no im next

alex: taurus- hickeys

sam: !!!

sam: IM INNOCENT

mango: trust me, we know

tj: just... don't tell amir

sam: oh gOD

alex: i'll chaperone ;)

sam: !!!!

jack: aw sam's blushing

sam: you're not even in the same room as me, jack!!!

alex: gemini- lip biting and roleplaying

hearth: ?? tf does that even mean

mallory: if he starts acting like his dnd character im going to BARF

halfborn: loool

jack: so that sounds like you?

halfborn: i mean. i like to experiment so

blitz: oh god stop talking

alex: cancer- spine kisses, spooning, and apparently a lot of crying

blitz:

blitz: well

blitz: i cant say that doesnt sound like me so

tj: that's actually kind of sweet aw

mango: *adds to blitzstone headcanons*

mallory: i have questions

hearth: i'm not answering any :))

jack: rip

alex: IMPORTANT QUESTIONS WHO'S BIG/LITTLE SPOON

sam: so obvious

hearth: true tbh

blitz: *rasies hand* big spoon

hearth: and proud

blitz: :))

mallory: cancers are so emotional

alex: leo- moaning, teasing

jack: woah

tj: ... ive never been in a relationship so i cant judge for myself

halfborn: yes but you're a very competitive person ;))

mallory: mhmm i can see it

tj: thanks??

mango: *pat pat* i understand the awkwardness

alex: virgo- neck kisses, being pushed against something

mallory: LOL this apposed to blitz's

hearth: i can confirm the former :)) why do you think i wear scarves :)) 

jack: ah so we have hickey action

blitz: sdjlfuhybsduiol

sam: well damn #relationship goals

alex: scorpio-

alex: oh no

mallory: SPILL

jack: THE

halfborn: BEANS

alex: "being dominated, shower activity"

mango: screams icantdoanythingofthosethings?

jack: just take notes from your parents

hearth: ..what

alex: hmm i cant say i feel particularly aroused by those ideas

mallory: notes fierrochase heaedcanons

mango: hey

blitz: lol

alex: but im sure if i find the right person i can change my mind :))

mango:

mango: im sure i just died again

tj: i can imagine

alex: okay for real nEXT

alex: sagittarius- being rough, lip biting

jack: ha i have no lips

jack: also nobody to love :((

mallory: i'd rather not think of sword sex move on

alex: capricorn- neck kissing, biting, being chased???

halfborn: HA magnus chased

mango: STOP

blitz: *CLAPS* NO MORE

tj: pls move on to the next thing

alex: okay. "the signs as waiting in line"

alex: aries- "if i have to wait ONE MORE MINUTE I SWEAR-"

mallory: THAT'S SO ME I HAVE NO CHILL

halfborn: ~mallory has no chill. she won't hesitate to kill!~

jack: im turning that into a song

tj: mallory once pulled a knife on me for touching her coffee cup

mallory: hey i needed that coffee it was my first dragon thursday in valhalla

mallory: also i didn't give a shit about anyone at that time. i was still new and angry

alex: sounds like me

blitz: yeah i cant survive without coffee too sometimes so

mango: stop complaining my first impression of alex was her cutting my head off

alex: :)) the good old days

alex: taurus- "fuck this my lunch is cold"

sam: food is very important to me. my grandparents love butter chicken and i always have it as my lunch after the night it's made. makes calculus class worth it

jack: oh fancy

mallory: i would love to try butter chicken

sam: next time we make it i'll give you a sample

mango: i, too, would yeet out a line just to have my falafel

alex: gemini-  "sHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO"

tj: lol because geminis are supposed to be very indecisive right? like hamlet

halfborn: i'll have that song in my head but in NORSE

mallory: i bet this happens to you when you're in the elevator

halfborn: singing norse songs? yes. but for real i'd stay in line contemplating whether or not i should be in line. or get pissed and yell until i get kicked out or something idk depends on my mood

sam: that's... not productive

tj: ive seen it happen before when we were trying to get smoothies

halfborn: that's when we still hated each other

tj: i know :^)

alex: cancer- *tries not to explode*

blitz: me, after a very long day of work and the chase space

hearth: im never in long lines so i cant relate to any of these lol

blitz: i buy us everything. because it's easier to assume the workers don't know asl

mango: plus generally no one really thinks about a customer being deaf/mute

hearth: exactly

mango: blitz has a relatively good amount of self-control

blitz: sam beats me though

sam: yeah i kind of do

hearth: even though our first impression of you was us almost getting killed :)))

blitz: these loki children

alex: lol true

alex: leo- "there are so many other things i could be doing right now!!"

tj: true. like charging hills. fighting dying. reading. cleaning my bayonet. drinking coffee. just the essentials of life

mallory: tj's life in a nutshell

tj: pretty much :^)

alex: virgo- patiently waits in line

hearth: *gestures to the cancer conversation* like i said i have literally no choice

halfborn: free will is such an illusion

alex: scorpio- will cut someone who cuts in line

mallory: with a knife. i feel you

alex: ikr

mango: no alex would fucking cut someone's head off

halfborn: #savage

alex: :)))

alex: sagittarius- dies with boredom

jack: AND SING

mango: of course

tj: random question: do they have stores for magical weapons? or cafes?

jack: no but im sending that shit to odin. MORE IDEAS FOR VALHALLA

alex: ok last but not least, capricorn- *fidgeting uncomfortably*

mango: im an awkward human being :) 

mango: no for real my cousin has adhd and dyslexia, right? people suspect me to have the same thing and im like... no im just v depressing

alex: otis would 100% find this relatable

hearth: gasp we must invite him

alex: i wonder if he's a pisces... dundunduuun

blitz: that would explain a lot

alex: i'm almost done here we can invite him later (or at least ask him his zodiac sign so i can send him stuff?)

mango: i like that idea

sam: ok. i have his discord :))

tj: ...why does otis, a goat, have discord?

sam: idk thor let's him

alex: Okay!! Last but not least... everyone's favorite... VINES!!!

mallory: HELL FUCKING YES

mango: WOOOOOO

hearth: *claps*

jack: YEET

alex: aries- "What do you have? A knife!! NO!"

mallory: MEEEE

tj: yikes mAL PUT THE KNIFE DOWN WE'RE IN THE SAME ROOM oh thank god i thought she was going to throw it at me

mallory: that would be waste of energy, thomas

mango: i don't think there's a single vine that is more accurate regarding mallory

jack: why a knife?? what about a sword those are better :((

mango: it's ok jack

blitz: we believe in you

alex: taurus-  "That is not correct, because according to the encyclopedia of....."

mango: that's my cousin af

sam: i feel like i am one of those people... on accident because i hate know-it-alls like i get it you have a phD in fucking couch arrangement or something stfu

blitz: if i've ever annoyed you with fashion advice... im sorry

sam: nah fam that's different

halfborn: sam does that to me all the time

sam: sorry lol

alex: gemini- "I ain't get no sleep cause of y'all! You're never gonna sleep cause of me!"

halfborn: ME

tj: accurate EVEN HIS SNORES ARE LOUD!

mallory: remember the fortnite incident...

tj: oh fuck

hearth: do tell :))

tj: ok so one night i stayed up playing fortnite and to get me back he screamed multiple comments i made during the session the next day

halfborn: you. were. practically. shouting.

tj: I WAS STAGE-WHISPERING

halfborn: IT WAS ANNOYING I COULDN'T SLEEP ANYWAY BECAUSE I HAD TOO MUCH RED BULL

tj: THAT'S NOT MY FAULT!!!

mallory: if it wasn't for me this would be going on all the time ^^

alex: ok i have for 2 for cancer

blitz: ooh

jack: ooh!

mango: ooh?

alex: "cAN I PLEASE GET A WAFFLE?"

blitz: @ the 9 worlds: pls stop fucking my life up and give me waffles

hearth: im making sure we have waffles for dinner now

blitz: :))

alex: also "Bro I had a dream we fucked! Bro its just a dream. LOL gay I wouldn't fuck you! You wouldn't? I mean if you wanna..."

blitz:

mallory: i feel like :)) this is totally :)) your relationship :)) with hearth :))

mango: ACCURATE

blitz: how do you even know we knew each other before we met you >:|

mango: it seems like you guys

jack: you guys are so sappy and supportive. it's disgusting and im jealous

blitz: 1) aw thanks

blitz: 2) i wouldnt have told anyone about the dream anyway so

hearth: oh so you're automatically person 1

blitz:

blitz: yes?

hearth: interesting :)

alex: anyway

alex: leo- *Pours water on face* Hello?

mallory: we tried this before

halfborn: we can confirm. it was also my idea lmao

mango: i wanna try that

tj: cool :))

blitz: how are you so chill?

sam: it's an enigma

tj: *shrugs* maybe i was expecting it

alex: virgo- "road work ahead? uh yeah i sure hope it does"

mango: #hearth's sassy self

hearth: yep

blitz: accurate

sam: idk why that vine is funny. it just is. amir once sent this to me with no context and i was like ???

jack: ANOTHER PERSON WE MUST INVITE

sam: DAMN WE'RE SLOW

alex: scorpio- "I'm a bad bitch you can't kill me!"

alex: literally me

mango: yep

mallory: 100%

tj: no doubt about it

sam: ily siblingfam

alex: aw thanks siblingfam

alex: sagittarius (also 2)- "i love myself. even if i look like a burnt chicken nugget, i still love myself / This girl called me ugly, I was like bitch where?"

mango: the most vain sword i know

jack: GASP YOUVE BEEN SEEING OTHER SWORDS??

mango: see what i mean? so fucking dramatic

alex: capricorn- "What is your name? Ouija board: Yes. OH MY GOD AHHH"

mango: me in a haunted film

tj: maybe the ouija board wants a hug :(

mallory: you mean the ghost?

tj: ...right

halfborn: fun fact- "oui" = yes in french, "ja" = yes in german. the yes board

sam: lol i knew that. why do people get the pronunciation wrong??

mallory: why would they name it that anyway??

sam: idk

jack: i wonder what it would be like to use one

mango: NEVER WOULD I EVER

tj: imagine if our souls were still on earth and we used the yes board to talk to ourselves...

alex:

alex: yeah no

Chapter Text

 sam invited alex, tj, hearth, blitz, magnus, halfborn and mallory to the School Project group chat 

sam: Okay guys now we can help each other out with that project :p Name everyone's partners so I have an idea of the set up. I'm here with Hearth.

alex: i got TJ

blitz: halfborn

mallory: magnus

sam: so hearth and i, alex and tj, blitz and halfborn and then magnus & mallory?

tj: correct :)

alex: i'm he/him today, guys!!

sam: ok! hear that guys? disrespect and i'll kill u :^)

mango: dont worry i respect the pronouns

sam: Good. So we learned about the Aesir-Vanir war already and the viking battle of Assandun. 

blitz: basically the Norse social wars

magnus: right. 

halfborn: the battle of ASSandun. in which they kick ass

mallory: stfu halfborn we dont need puns

alex: /silently congratulating/

halfborn: /aw thanksi try/

hearth: so is this, like, a debate?

sam: Well for now, yes, that's our job. To have a general discussion of the Norse themes presented in the stories we've just learned. 

alex: and try not to meme spam everyone :))

blitz: i seriously hope so

mallory: ugh how much of this is a our grade?

tj: well you have a b right now, yes? i'd definitely do this if you don't want a c

mallory: drsbndjsnajkld fine :/ thought i could get away with this

magnus: ...yeah but then it'd be on me too

mallory: oh right. because we're partners. lol

magnus: :/

tj: nice to meet everyone!!! 

sam: nice to meet you too!

alex: pleasure's ours, thomas

mallory: just because he's on the basketball team don't mean we have to treat him like royalty, yanno

halfborn: what she means is that we better get the same treatment :)) #FOOTBALL

mallory: #VOLLEYBALL because i can

blitz: what a diverse group of students

tj: so i already know mal and halfborn... wbu guys?

sam: i know magnus... that's all besides alex omg that's sad

halfborn: ALEXA PLAY DESPACITO

halfborn: or alex, whichever 

alex: gOTCHA I'll just send the link ahaha

magnus: ...i know blitz & hearth

mallory: congrats we know each other can we get this over with?

halfborn: dont mind her shes a mean redhead

mallory: damn straight

tj: we're used to it lol

hearth: well that's good i guess

blitz: so where do we start with this project?

alex: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJQP7kiw5Fk Here. With Luis Fonsi & Daddy Yankee

hearth: ...why are you like this?

alex: well i can sing all of the lyrics so i kinda have more priviledge here 

sam: plus she can speak Spanish so it's... convenient

alex: DESPAAACITO~

alex: god i actually hate myself for doing this 

blitz: ...i'm for real what do we do first

halfborn: chill yo jets partner we'll get there

blitz:

tj: i'm so confuzzled

sam: The Aesir-Vanir war happened because of Freya

blitz: of course it does. everything always happens because of the pretty goddess

magnus: aphrodite, im lookin at you sus

sam: at least, that's one version

mallory: we need to connect this to the modern era, right?

sam: yep!

mallory: well what the fuck freya tryna show us??? pretty women get more respect then everyone else??? that average people gotta submit to worthless scum like her?? WHAT'S THIS GOING TO DO TO MY RESUME

tj: well, mal, if you support that with textual evidence i'm sure you'll get a good grade :))

sam: to be fair, we're not even halfway done with the project... there's still a lot to go through calm it a little

mallory: i have no chill

halfborn: i can confirm

mallory: SHUT UP

sam: the war was fought between the two types of norse gods:

sam: the aesir, being more of the dominant/fighting types and the vanir, that have more to do w/ human and ecological fertility

tj: though the distinctions are kinda fuzzy

sam: exactly

magnus: didn't she like? almost get murdered? and that's why the vanir tried to back her up, thus starting the war?

mallory: who says "thus" anymore?

tj: i mean it's not old english, mal

halfborn: im confused everyone let sam take over this is a mess

sam: thank you

sam: magnus, you're right

sam: apparently what ended the war was Kvasir

alex: oof who names their kid that

hearth: the norse had weird names

magnus: yeah like HICCUP and fuckin TOOTHLESS

sam: they made Kvasir from their...spit. wow. glad i'm islamic tbh

blitz: ...ew

mallory: so.... there peace treaty....was a fucking being? that they made from everyone's dna minus the sex?

magnus: dude

mallory: what?? im trying to understand. education, you know

halfborn: i mean the concept happened when tj and i hated each other. mallory was our peace treaty. more like our mediator, atually

alex: woah you used to hate each other???

tj: yep. we were rivals.

alex: oof

halfborn: interesting times

magnus: that's weird. like, you guys aren't even in the same sports

tj: doesn't matter. we wanted to be more victorious than the other. god we were petty

halfborn: more like YOU were petty

tj: ...you started everything

mallory: boys. stop. pls.

sam: yes Kvasir was like our Mallory

mallory: ...great

hearth: at least there's a happy ending.

sam: this website sums it up as "They explain how gods and men, who have such different interests and ambitions, as the agriculturalist, the merchant, the warrior, and the king, can live together in harmony."

blitz: if only the real world was like this

sam: right. now that brings us to the more sticky situation... out of mythology. in real life: the battle of assandun

mallory: ok one more thing

halfborn: omg we're going to be here forever

blitz: nu uh i got business stuff to attend to 

tj: like what?

blitz: fashion

alex: ...that makes so much more sense now

mallory: the world sucks. the end. why are we learning about this

sam: because the teacher said so. but no, for real, using history into context helps with understanding.. and stuff

mallory: god who else is a nerd here? besides tj and sam?

magnus:

alex:

mallory: ok i figured magnus but alex???

alex: pfft i read too sometimes ok? plus science can be lit

sam: so the battle of assandun: basically a foreign force wanted to take over the existing aristocracy, which was apparnently short-lived in terms of legacy

tj: LEGACY

tj: WHAT IS A LEGACY??

mallory: sorry he loves musicals

sam: ...interesting

magnus: nice!

halfborn: *claps* no more

blitz: what were the two sides?

sam: umm let's see... so i'm reading the article and it says "tussle for power between the Anglo-Saxon monarchy and the Viking claimant, who was the soon-to-be-legendary Cnut the Great" so. those people

alex: so Germanic tribes v Vikings

alex: who will win the snapchat battle?

magnus: ?

alex: idk maggie im weird

mallory: "maggie"

hearth: that's your new name

magnus: no

alex: oh i have more!!!

magnus: ?

magnus: like what?

alex: you from boston?

magnus:

alex: BEANTOWN

tj: ...i'm from boston

alex: shush let me torture him

magnus: why :0

alex: idk you're like a disney princess let me have fun

hearth changed magnus's name to maggie

maggie: no!!!

maggie: why cant i be mango???

alex: GASP

tj: THAT'S BETTER

mallory changed maggie's name to mango

mallory: i love torturing him too

mango:

mango: i like this?

alex: y e e t

blitz: guys stop pls im already tired can we make this go faster

mallory: what does this have to do with freya's over priveliged self?

sam: well if you guys would listen i'd gladly explain

sam: ...besides, that's for you and your partner to figure out

blitz: so two social classes fighting for some sort of result. plus a type of alienation for the losing side

sam: exactly.

halfborn: the set up for revolution and even regicide

tj: yep. like the south v north in the civil war...except replace regicide with "assination" (more or less)

mallory: all these royals gettin wrecked. for good reason. #liberty

blitz: power is the one thing humanity fights for ;-; already the dominating species and we crave more

hearth: that''s deep bro

alex: right so what's the next order of business?

sam: well, we have partners. each pair will explain/debate w ONE aspect/idea of this whole scenario. there are four pairs, right? one pair can get the aesir-vanir war, one pair can have the battle of assandun, and the last two pairs can elavuate in terms of morality/success for the said events

mango: ...but samirah you basically listed out everything to us already

sam: an OUTLINE, yes. you guys have to do the in-depth understanding as a whole though :) i volunteer for the aesir-vanir war! if hearth's ok with that

hearth: sounds good

mallory: fuck

halfborn: I'LL TAKE THE BATTLE OF ASSANDUN

blitz: I CONCUR

alex: we'll explain the battle

mallory: oof so i guess we're explaining the freya thing

mango: well, you seemed interested

sam: Aesir-Vanir war: So we start with Freya, goddess of love and beauty. 

hearth: practiced the art of seidr form of pre-Christian Norse magic and shamanism, which basically worked with the idea of fate

sam: so the aesir were having issues with what they stood for. they envied freya's magic because they wanted it to fix their shortcomings

hearth: naturally, it's easier to take things out on others when you're at the top. they attempted to murder her which basically started the war until they made that peace offering, kvasir

mango: ...wow

alex: dark. i think the aesir need anti depessants and boom! they'd be ok

sam: mallory, magnus, put your extra spin on this

mallory: WELL like i said, it seems unfair that freya-- who has like, the most gucci life-- started this mess when she could've just like. not been around the vanir?? okay now that i type this i realize it's not exactly her fault but still. she seems sketchy

blitz: i actually agree

mallory: THANK you

mango: obviously the aesir are to blame for this. to become more in power they try to murder an innocent goddess? they should know that'll only mess up the balance and you know...cause a war. freya is literally the emodiment of love and beauty. you can see how the myth represents how greed and sin corrupt us as to not care about those two things-- especially love

mango: wow when did i get so oddly poetic

alex: mm suits you, mango disney princess

tj: ~seaasonnsss of lOOOOvee~

mallory: to be fair freya was messing with FATE. maybe by changing it she unleashed a new fate: the war. maybe SHE was the careless one. fuck there's always going to be sin but avoiding it seems stupid like in every classic tale fate only comes back to stab u in the back

tj: et tu, brute??? #shooketh also that was a nice argument mal :)

mallory: yeah well im eloquent when im passionate

sam: so your argument is that freya shouldn't have messed with fate?

mango: mal she's a GODDESS it's what they do!

mallory: so??? i'm not gonna submit to some goddess. fate is fate. right is wrong. she messed up. 

hearth: assuming your premise is right

mallory: well... yeah

hearth: well i have a whole list of fun facts about seidr so maybe i can help you out

halfborn: ...how?

hearth: witchcraft, bro

halfborn:

mallory: withches exist?

hearth: yes and we have a beautiful community, tyvm

hearth: so. The practitioner’s intended task typically involved a prophecy, a blessing, or a curse. NORNS were the actual mythical beings in control of this power, but Freya was the first to bring it to the gods. The Aesir had a god who also practiced this-- Odin, the big guy himself. 

mango: hmm. so is odin guilty too, mal?

mallory: hm he wasnt the one who started it

tj: he COULD have, though. morally speaking, you can say odin and freya are equally in the wrong but odin is lucky because he happened to be the one to avoid the war whereas freya didn't-- ironc, really

mallory: but she still did it

mango: i kinda agree with tj on this. also since when did you do my job

tj: had to add :)

mango: np. sam, that's allowed?

sam: sure. but now you have to organize the argument-- in your own time b/c we don't have time for that

mango: right. also i wanna go back to my partner real quick: you say that freya--so all gods--shouldn't have the power over fate, which is like, their purpose? or do you want to go as far to say gods shouldn't be in control period?

mallory: look, personally i have a vendetta against freya but yes as a whole WHY give power in the hands of gods if they can create shit like that? TO BE HONEST WHY ARE WE ARGUING THIS IT'S IRRELEVANT?

sam: is it?

tj: like "gods" are just the parallels humans made up of other humans. immortality = the rich and powerful, and they screw over their own people all the time! humans were being lazy and blamed the gods for their problems and used THEM to explain THEIR daily lives. meaning only exists (arguably) because we give it meaning. that's why it's relevant, in some degree. BUT that is not to say the myths are useless. they point out human flaws and that's why it matters. of course, no being should ever be as powerful as the gods though. that's, as you can see, awful and is bound to create disaster.

halfborn: woah #shook

mallory: he takes forever to answer questions

blitz: i think i just lost sight of the big picture during all that

hearth: 1) myths are relevant because they highlight human flaws 2) thus, even the gods made mistakes--like freya, who accidentally influenced the war and was arguably careless 3) still, the aesir are wrong to have blamed her for their shortcomings 4) generally speaking no one should have that much power regardless of inoccence because that can change. also the gods are generally assholes that need to get f#cked and i dont mean the good kind

hearth: right?

blitz: *CLAPS* i love him

sam: ...yeah let's just move on lmao

sam: halfborn, blitz, ready for the battle of assandun?

halfborn: yes

mallory: no more puns tho

halfborn: aw

blitz: okay. so it's a social war regarding territory and monarchy rule, especially the latter. the end result was short-lived, regardless of the victor. this raises two points: 1) ASSUMING you believe we have a natural since of morality, why do we let tragedies like war happen in the first place? In fact, do you think war is necessary given the time of this event or is killing always a sin? Does right and wrong even apply? and 2) History is full of propaganda--especially from the victors, which makes since because they won. They have more power. So knowing the other side is necessary. Furthermore, we may remember something in history but nothing is promised because it all depends on what we can gather and the perspective. 

halfborn: fair points i want to make- sometimes war is necessary to prevent anarchy. yes, it can be a tragedy but only one side dramatically loses. isn't that better than having everyone fail and having utter chaos? besides, war is kind of like self-defence; it is fought to protect your own life and countless other's lives due to some threat. killing is not right but can be excused given the situation. that doesn't mean we have to completely submit to the powerful, though.

sam: in fact, we could try to change that. be victorious but know the other side. ignorance doesn't solve anything.

halfborn: i mean, possibly. you can't get rid of it; it's inevitable, one of those human flaws we talked about. it DOES depend on perspective. all of it does. i know there are TONS of norse theories out there but there are some things we'll never know

alex: except about those dumbass flat earth theories. that can smd

blitz: WOO this is a lot. i want to add that generally i'm opposed to killing/war like what's the point we're all dying someday

mango: wow

tj: war isn't glorious. like kudos to you for caring--seriously-- but you have to know that most people in this world? yeah they're not thinking about war. the amount of horror that is war and ptsd isn't going to make you proud. all it's going to do is raise the question: are you even fighting for a worthy cause? why should you have to risk everything for people who don't give a damn? or who say they do but in reality never pay attention? it is our natural reaction to pity and discourage war but let's face it most people do nothing to help. it's thus far the one thing history cannot defeat

mango: ...i didn't know your mind could be so dark

tj: lmao sorry i get to preachy sometimes sjfbnsjdkfls BUT YEAH war sucks, people sucks, let's get back to the argument

sam: tbh? i think that's enough.

alex: good because i didn't know what to add i 100% agree with tj ahh i feel so useless i played despacito for a full hour while y'all were doing this, calling maggie beantown and shit... what is wrong with me

sam: well we were just going to get to some modern examples of alienation, social clash etc and even our personal experience

tj: civil war

mallory: irish war of independence

sam: anti-immigrant shit and the whole cursed trump campaign

alex: lgbtq+ rights and general bullying

mango: homelessness

halfborn: poverty

hearth: disability rights, abuse

blitz: suicide rates

sam: last but not least... if anyone wants to share personal experience, now is the time. you don't have to be detailed or anything. and i'm not going to force you to do it

sam: i'll go first. as a muslim female, it's hard seeing our culture shown as "terrorism". one group of people is making it look like we're all terrible. racism is an endless debate that continues. in school, i was bullied. people even yanked off my hijab and i felt so helpless. yet i tried to shed light to my community. because no one should live in fear

hearth: parents don't approve of me being non hearing. they don't accept me. it's been hard but through my passions and connections with people i've managed to rise up

alex: was bullied for being different. people don't understand the lgbtq+ community even though countless people throughout the world identify with it. my parents were also kinda terrible. one of my friend's couldn't even live b/c their world was just. falling apart. i'm learning to love myself, though

mango: i. uh. was homeless for the longest time after my mom died. that was rough. but it made me really appreciative for what i have. 

blitz: when my dad died, i thought for sure i couldn't make it. i drank SO MUCH. had an obsessive fear of failure-- thought i'd never reach my dream. but i'm living it :)

halfborn: came from a small town. always wanted something more. promised my mom i'd make her proud. i haven't really gotten the chance to do much, though. i'm still figuring out this life.

mallory: ...i have authority/anger problems which ties up to all the other stupid shit i do on a daily basis

tj: i have a history of war vets in my family. i'm trying to live up to my potential in spite of all my problems 

mango:... i'm glad we shared this

alex: ...strangely? me too

sam: expressing is the first part to healing after all and allah knows us youth definitely need that

mallory: strangely i'm not pissed off with all this open-mindedness

blitz: this might just be my sappy as fuck inner cancer sign talking but i feel like we're going to be each other's biggest support systems

hearth: oh look! history taught us something new

mallory: wow this stupid lesson made me feel shit wtf

halfborn: mood

sam: that, my friends, is the power of knowledge

tj: to quote odin :)

halfborn: i thought it was the power of being openly derogatory on the internet

alex: ...and you ruined the moment