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Sudden Darkness

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I hate it all.
I hate every fucking moment of this.
I hate it when I fall on the ground because I couldn't see the glassy desk in the living room. And I hate it more when I hear hurried up footsteps heading my way and Yuuri's worried voice calling out my name.
I hate it when he tries to muffle his sobs at night so I won't know how fucked up he is over what happened to me.
I hate it when I slipped in the shower once and now yuuri has to wash me everytime I wanna take a shower. And I hate it when I breakdown down right there and he just kisses my tears.
I hate it when I hear the murmurs when I walk down the streets of St. Petersburg.
I know what they say in every ice skating tournament. I know and I hate it when everyone asks yuuri where I am.
I am sitting here, slowly rotting and unable to ice skate.
One time Yurio made me go to the skating rink we used to train in. He talked me into wearing my skating shoes and try to skate in the rink. He even tried to encourage me by playing Stammi Vicino. I had this little flame of hope and started to slowly skate. A few moments later I collided with the glass protector and hit my head on the corner of the rink.
I ended up getting hospitalized for a week and I overheard Yuuri scolding Yurio about the idea he had and asking what he would have done if my brain had been damaged. I cried right there again.
I am such a burden to my friends and Yuuri. He says he doesn't care if I'm blind, that he would love me the same and always will.
But that probably is a goddamn lie.
I'm a burden to everyone around me.
I'm a fallen legend.
I don't deserve any of the help.
I wish I was dead. I wish the car would've hit me hard so I would die.
I can imagine how world would be without me.
People would get sad for about a week. Then everything would go back to normal.
Yuuri would move on and probably win a gold medal at every ice skating tournament.
He would find a new lover that wouldn't be a burden like me.
How much I would give to see his face for just one more time. His eyes when he smiles and his bed hair and feel his warm hugs.
His face is slowly getting blurred in my mind and I'm forgetting how he looked when he won the silver medal at GPF.
I'm forgetting his red cheeks in the cold weather of St. Petersburg when he moved in with me.
I am forgetting how his eyes sparkled in Barcelona when he gave me that ring.
I am forgetting his teary eyes when he said 'yes' at our wedding.
I close my eyes again and feel the cool breeze on my cheeks.
They'll finally be free.
Yuuri will finally be free.
I try to find the knife I had hidden under our bed for this day. Finally I can feel the coolness of steel under my fingers and take out the knife.
I struggle to get to the bathroom and sit on the cold tiles.
I have recorded my last words and the things I had to say before the end yesterday and left the file on a table beside the bed.
Rolling up my sleeve, I feel warm tears streaming down my face. Finally I have the courage to do this, I can't give up now.
After an hour, I'm lying on the cold floor, feeling the warm blood forming a pool under my wrist.
My eyes start to feel heavy and my head felt dizzy so I just closed my eyes and tried to sleep.
Yuuri will finally be happy. I will be happy.
Will I?
God, what have I done? What did I think with myself? Yuuri won't be happy. He will be ducked up.
Oh god.
I struggle to get up and find a towel to cover up the wound on my left wrist.
Please work. Please. It's too early.
I try to tie it up as hard as I can but the blood is still dripping down to the ground.
My knees feel weak and I fall in the ground.
I yell out Yuuri's name. I yell for someone to help me. The loud sobs that leave my mouth don't even sound like me.
My body's going numb and I just don't have the energy to try anymore.
I keep struggling to stay awake but now I'm dozing off.
Yuuri where are you?
Yuuri, i don't wanna die