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To The Rescue

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You know, it's dusty out here on the plains.

That's the first thing you gotta learn. It's dusty, and sometimes it's sticky. But the sticky ain't part of the plains, not really, so you gotta learn to ignore that. Focus on the dust and the tumbleweeds. Trust an ol' cowhand on this, it makes it easier.

We wake up early hereabouts, most days before the sun. I get up, get my cornpone for breakfast, then settle down for another day in the saddle. Now, the cornpone ain't really that simple, I'm tryin' to make it easy for you new ones on your first day here.

See, most of the time it ain't actually cornpone. Most of the time Bonnie'll grab me and we'll go down to the big table. She don't like it much, but her mom does make her eat corn flakes because she says they ain't got sugar. And I reckon that corn flakes is close enough to cornpone for breakfast, so that's all right with me.

Then after breakfast, we saddle up and move 'em out. That's what Bonnie's mom says, an' it's mostly good advice. Bonnie saddles up with her pretty Blue Bee backpack and heads out to her preschool for the day, and I saddle up with Bullseye and we get down to a roundup of a different kind.

See, the last time Bonnie had Christmas, me an' Bullseye an' Woody got ourselves a treat. Bonnie's turnin' out to be horse folk! I was so excited I nearly bust a gut with it, our little girl turnin' out to be real horse folk. She watches horse shows with me an' Bullseye nigh on every Saturday, so she's committed to the lifestyle, an' for her big Christmas wish, what did she go an' ask for but real true ponies?

So trailhounds be blessed, now we got ourselves a rootin', tootin' herd!

Buzz was feelin' sweet a week ago, so he and Bonnie built me a great big corral with the Lincoln Logs and some Legos, right next to the washin' machine. The herd stays there until we're ready to move 'em every day. Let me tell you, those are some funny fillies in there. The ones who've been here a while know how it is, they know that after Bonnie has breakfast Woody an' Bullseye an' me'll come down and break them out of the corral. They take things kinda' calm, help us move things along.

But the ones from Christmas, rootin' howdy they've got some strange ideas. They also look kinda weird, all purple and pink and sparkly, but I reckon it's not polite to mention it to them, and I sure as tootin' made sure that none of the others mentioned it either. Bringin' up people's looks, or ponies' looks I guess, just ain't right. But along with the strange looks, they got strange ideas.

There's a purple one, name's Twilight Sparkle, who swears she can do magic! And it don't matter how much she points that horn of hers at somethin' around here and can't make it move, she ain't figured out yet that magic ain't real.

Kinda funny watchin' her try, truth be told. Just yesterday Rex got his tail caught in the Roomba 'cause he weren't paying attention, and man did that Twilight ever try to magic it out. I mean, it didn't work. Eventually Buzz had to stop the Roomba and pull Rex's tail out himself to stop him squallin', but it sure was funny to see that little purple horse stand across the room and try to magic him out. I almost felt sorry for her, but she's the one makin' the morning roundup the most difficult right now, so I maybe I should have felt sorry but I didn't.

Morning roundup's supposed to go like this: me an' Woody an' Bullseye trot off down to the laundry room and rescue the horses penned up in the corral, then we herd 'em upstairs and they can spend the rest of the morning with the rest of us toys, except for when Bonnie gets home, 'cause then they gotta go back to the laundry room.

But this Twilight filly's got it in her head that she's special because Bonnie only just recently got her for Christmas, so she ain't too keen on going back down to the laundry room when it's time for Bonnie to be home.

And that ain't good, because the first rule of toys is that we gotta be where we was left, no matter what. That's the first rule. The one thing we all do, come hell or high water or teethin' babies. But see, I don't think this Twilight pony knows she's a toy, really. Like I said, she's got some weird ideas.

Anyway, usually we do the morning roundup and Twilight comes out just fine, and the rest of the horses that Bonnie already had come out too, just as sweet as they can be. Me an' Woody an' Bullseye get them upstairs, all's well. I even think maybe Twilight's makin' friends with Barbie. That'd be nice, Barbie's got a good head on her swivel neck, maybe she could talk sense to that filly.

It's gettin' better though, I think. Yesterday, Bonnie came home and Twilight went right back to the corral like a toy ought to go. I don't mind her having magic notions as long as she don't mess up Bonnie by not bein' where she should be. I think she's gettin' that, slow-like. Bullseye's helping out by lettin' her see how he gets played with every day. And when Bonnie plays with her, she does have her magic, usually. Except the couple of times we've played horse club on Mars, and then nobody really acts like we're used to actin'. I think Twilight sees that, and I think she's startin' to get it.

That's not the thing I was tryin' to explain to her today, though. I've tried to explain about the not having magic really because she's a toy before, but I think I got a long drive to pen that particular cow. Today I was tryin' to explain to her about how pony drives across the plains is dusty, sometimes sticky business. Even if it's usually only sticky 'cause Bonnie's been eatin' them banana popsicles again. Still, dusty and sticky.

Twilight's trying magic on herself to get the dust off right now. I keep tellin' her she's a toy, it ain't gonna work, and she's gonna have to embrace the dust, but she ain't that good at listenin' at this particular moment. Something about dust on her horn. Young fillies these days, they got all them scruples like Bullseye an' me never really had back in the golden days of the cowboys.

I'm pretty sure she'll get it eventually, though. She's already lasted through Bonnie gettin' gum in her mane, and that'd put most ponies down but good. She came through that mane-cuttin' like a champ, so she's a tough one. She just needs some advice sometimes from an ol'-timer like me.