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Love Blossoms in the Late Cretaceous: A Proposed Model for Dinosaur Romance

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It was a lovely spring day, and Tyra-mi was so, so happy, because someone! Had confessed to her! And it was Spino-ko and Spino-ko was so cool and beautiful and sharp-toothed, and they were going to be together forever. “Right, Spino-ko?” she said, squeezing her hand.

Spino-ko blushed, which wasn't terribly visible on a giant cold-blooded reptile, but was nonetheless very cute. Tyra-mi wondered how she had never noticed how cute her sempai was—she was always so cool and collected, and was never clumsy or accidentally ripped her crush's head off while she was confessing to them. Spino-ko had simply taken her aside: it was graduation day, and her uniform was neatly pressed and her scales polished to a gentle shine, and she clutched her diploma in her claws, no doubt rending it slightly and said, “I like you, Tyra-mi.”

And Tyra-mi hadn't even gnashed her teeth too hard in excitement and ruined the graduation ceremony, but she had squeaked a lot and wrapped her arms around Spino-ko as far as they would go (resulting mostly in a very sincere chest-bump), and said, “Spino-ko, I like you too!”

She had been so sad that Spino-ko was graduating, and that she wouldn't see her every day anymore, but now they were going to see each other every day! And they would go on dates, and chase down tender herbivores together, and Spino-ko would look adorable with a splash of hot blood on her chin. Would Tyra-mi's arms be too short to wipe it off romantically? Tyra-mi considered the potential shortfall of this dating scenario. She would manage, somehow.

Ah, the bloom of young love. Perhaps they would have to split up when Spino-ko went to university, but Tyra-mi could not consider that at the moment. It was still far away, and everything was perfect right now.

And endings needn't be so cataclysmic as going away to university; and so, your humble paleontology journal invites you to choose the ending that suits you best, depending on your adherence to prevailing theories and tolerance for conspiracy.

a) The Epic Tragic Lesbian Dinosaur Ending

“Someone, in some future time, shall think of us,” Spino-ko assured Tyra-mi, her claw squeezing gently around Tyra-mi's claw. Spino-ko had always had a knack for poetry, Tyra-mi thought dreamily.

“Really?” Tyra-mi said, her reptilian stare limpid with her love and devotion.

Spino-ko mused that one over. “Yes,” she decided. “They will probably be horribly innaccurate about it, but I am sure that they will consider us interesting.”

They walked, claw in claw, under the drifting flowers of spring, the lilies blossoming in the river. Gentle reader: all things must end, and youthful love ages and fades like spring's blossoms carried away by the wind and incinerated in an age-ending extinction caused by particles from a massive asteroid impact burning up in the atmosphere and rendering all life on the surface of the earth extinct.

But perhaps the fossil record would someday show that it had been a very nice day (asteroids nonewithstanding), and that the jurassic flowers had been in full bloom, and that (though the school uniforms likely would not be preserved) two dinosaurs had been very much in love and going out on a date to chase down a tender morsel (perhaps the little brother apatosaur of the tyrannosaurus's unfortunate earlier crush), and that a allosaur had come along to tease them about their lovey-dovey splitting of the entrail parfait when she had lifted her head, cocked it to the side and said, “Hey, what's that really bright thing in the sky?”


b) The Slightly Less Epic Tragic Lesbian Dinosaur Ending

“Tyra-mi, you should watch where you're going,” Spino-ko scolded gently.

“I can't help it, sempai!” Tyra-mi roared happily at her, skipping along the path and swinging her schoolbag. “I'm just so happy that you noticed me. And your confession was so sweet, and nobody ate anybody accidentally, and it was just perfect.”

It was perhaps unfortunate that Tyra-mi then fell into a tar pit.

However, there is still another possibility:

c) The Ending for Those Who Are Tired of the Tragic Lesbians Trope and/or Have a Flexible Relationship With Peer-Reviewed Scientific Theories

(Also airing on the History Channel at 7/8 central, under the title of “Secrets of the Dinosaurs: Did Magical Dinosaurs Colonize Mars?”)

Tyra-mi clutched her schoolbag nervously as Spino-ko took her claw. Gosh, the ground was shaking an awful lot, she thought. Maybe that was what happened when your best friend mashed her toothy maw against yours in a way that could be interpreted as romantic if they had lips.

Or maybe it was what happened when the ground opened up before you, the shaking intensifying and building (Spino-ko grabbed her claw more tightly, and Tyra-mi blushed furiously), trees disappearing into the earth.

The ground parted and opened up onto—Tyra-mi gasped—a secret base. With a spaceship.

Rapt-yo waved a claw at her from the cockpit.

Spino-ko looked deep into her eyes, her secondary eyelids flicking closed for a moment in a rare show of nervousness. “It's yours, Tyra-mi. Your destiny always was with the stars, Magical Carnivore Starship Commader Princess Tyra-mi.”

Spino-ko handed Tyra-mi a pink sceptre, and Tyra-mi knew at once what she had to do. She held the sceptre as high as her stubby arms could go, and felt a shower of sparkles surround her, transforming her school uniform in a whirl of light and twinkly music.

“Oh!” she said, delightedly. When she opened her eyes, Spino-ko, Allo-e and Rapt-yo had also changed, fluffy feathers replacing their uniforms. She shook her head and felt a ruff of feather crest on her neck. Tyra-mi had never felt prettier.

“Guys, let's go kick some bad guy alien butt,” she said, and roared the mighty roar of lovely magical dinosaur girl might.

When they took off in their spaceship to defend the galaxy from any threats, Spino-ko nuzzled her neck ruff tentatively, and Tyra-mi nuzzled her back happily. Nothing could stand against the power of love! Or dinosaurs with magical princess lasers.