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Variations on the holiday theme

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Boxed-up!

“Christmas, Puppycat! You know Christmas?”

 

“Nananoo”

Of course I know about the winter solstice.

 

He paws at the small box by the mail slot, beaming.

 

“Lalalsquee”

I even bought you a gift.

 

“Woah! How'd that arrive?”

 

“Sqoo”

It's called internet shopping.

 

“Look!” Her hands whirl above her head, much to Puppycat's confusion. “It's a! It's..”

 

“Skwipedebop wooo..”

It's a box with a red sticker on top.

 

“No, no, no.. I totally know what it is!”

 

“Dahldahlnooo”

The sticker is obscuring the veiw.

 

“Hmm.. I would know, but the sticker is in the way.”

 

The big red sticker glares at her. It is inciting a challenge. It is in, fact the meanest, scariest red button ever and she has a bitch to pull with it.

 

“Alright, you...” The hand descends slowly and methodically, just near enough to touch it. It picks. It picks again. At last, it grips. And peeeels.

 

Peeeeeeels.

 

She clenches her teeth. A tiny bit of it comes off, and then another, and then another, until the large red blob starts feeling just a little bit like putty, and she's got this. Oh, has she got this. In just another moment, the red blobby thing will have achknowledged it's true master, leaving her to gaze at whatever gift resides inside the-

 

“Dahl dahl doo.”

Are you trying to get that shit off in one go wow

 

And thus, all hope is lost.

 

“Aaah! Dammit!”

 

The white crinkly border half of the sticker stares up at her in truimph. She blinks. It is obviously gloating.

 

“Now it's going to be all white, and gooey, and I won't be able to get it all off..”

 

“Neeee”

Here, I'll help.

 

Puppycat sighs and swats at it a few times with his paw, until the entire sticker comes off, leaving no marks whatsoever. Bee's grin spans the universe.

 

“Yaaay! You did it!”

 

“Loopy-loo”

It was nothing.

 

“No, really. Thanks, I-WOAH!”

 

“….”

Facepaw

 

“Is this the famous princess bubblegum!? Because I think it is princess bubblegum!” Her grin now spans several macrocosms, and Puppycat grudging starts to realize the merits of the gift-free holidays.

 


The best birthday present

 

Once upon a time, there was a space pirate who fell in love with a princess. And one day, he realized that he had woken up early enough to get her a Christmas gift year.

 

So the prince fired up his trusty old comlink, and asked her what she wanted. The princess was sore and grumpy, for it was 3 AM in the morning on her planet, and told him that she wished for little more than to be able to go back to bed and not have to hear the alarm clock go off. If she couldn't have that, then she might as well have a unicorn. The prince took notes, and contemplated it: Finding a unicorn in this day and age was impossible and unlikely, but far less dangerous than the prospect of sneaking into the royal castle to tinker with electronics. So, he took his best pastel jacket and was off to the sugarspun bazaar.

 

He searched high, among the singing bubble-traders from Loo-toh, and low, among the pustule-warriors from Sponge. But he had to search lower yet, until he bumped into a fortune-teller's son, who told him to take the goddamn thing already, and Yes Of Course It could Fly.

 

And so he returned to the secret meeting place where the princess would visit him, chained up the unicorn, and set a small birthday note onto it. He did not stay to see what would happen, but rather, he thought it would be a nice surprise in the evening, for waking up early had deafened his gusto for love.

 

He awoke the next morning to three trillion phone messages, and a news report about the dangerous creature that was terrifying the royal palace.

 


Defend the turkey!

 

The friendly box beams at them.

 

“Hello, Puppycat. Hello, Bee.”

 

“Hiya!”

 

“Nanosqoo.”

 

“Today your mission will be to guard the life day turkey. Please enter fish bowl space in three..”

 

The water made a big splash as they hit the ground. “Wait a minute, what's that smell?” Bee looked into the distance to see a giant cave that offered her no answers.

 

“Sqoodlewoo.”(Let's go inside) Puppycat went towards it. Bee took this as an indication to follow, noting how the brown-and-red walls seemed just a teensy bit darker than the outside. Come to think of it, the daylight was starting to fade. She was about to reach for her raygun when Puppycat meoofed.

 

Kiriri!”

Stop!

 

A green light shot through the darkness. Bee grabbed her raygun and held it at attention.

 

“Aaaaaaah!”

 

“Nooooooodle”

There, over there!

 

She was just a bit nervous. What if it was a tiny dinosaur, or a nice alien pig? Something hit her foot. What if it turned out to be a firemouse...

 

“There! There! There! Hiya!”

She shot blindly around her toes, before realizing how badly singed feet would smell, and gathered her composure. The little green thingy would get it's own before long. She had just cornered it next to a rock, when she felt something cling to her leg. Oh gosh. It really, really was a firemouse, wasn't it-

 

“Meoooowf”

Lady!

 

“Huh. Puppycat, was that you?”

 

It was not puppycat. It was, in fact, a pair of gleaming eyes on a kitten-like face.

“Hey... I can't shoot this. It's adorable!” She tentatively reached for the small creature, bringing her ray gun down first to see if it would attack.

 

“Meemeemeee-ruff”

Please don't shoot me.

 

“Aww, aren't you cute?”

 

“Telltelltwooo”

Horace! What the bleep are you doing here?

 

Puppycat pawed at her feet, trying to get a better look.

 

“Olollooo”

Trying to get an x-mas dinner.

 

“You were just hungry, weren't you.” Bee cooed as puppycat began walking out from the turkey. “Well, if you like, you can spend Christmas with us!”

 

Puppycat facepawed.

 

THE END