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Walk Away

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Her eyes fluttered open, she became acutely aware that she was not dead after she felt the pain lance through her wrist.

“She’s up” she heard someone murmur or maybe they were speaking normally and the throbbing in her head was affecting her hearing.

“Mrs. Clinton, how are you?” she scrunched her face up. How was she? Did this person not know what she’d been through? Hillary tried to sit up but the pain that seemed to be moving through every part of her body stopped her progress. “Please don’t try to move. You have a broken wrist and several bruises.”

“Where am I? What is happening?” Hillary still wasn’t convinced she was safe, until one of her agents came into view. She breathed a silent sigh of relief.

“Ma’am we are on Air Force One on the way back to the White House” Hillary felt both relief and trepidation. Relief that this ordeal was over, trepidation because another was about to begin.

“Is he…” she couldn’t say his name. The woman who she finally realized was one of the medical staff at the White House, patted her uninjured arm. Her agent came back over.

“You will be briefed once we return to the White House” he didn’t say anything else.

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Bill was waiting at the entrance when she was wheeled up. They had insisted on her getting into a wheelchair. He wanted to meet her at the air force base but was talked out of it They didn’t want the media attention that so far, they had been able to avoid. Hillary’s heart thudded in her chest, there he was the man that she thought she’d never see again, the man that she was trying to run from when all this mess started. She nervously chewed on her bottom lip not sure how he was going to react. Bill took two large steps and before she could react he was bending down hugging her, he was careful to not hurt her battered body. He’d heard about the fall. He pulled back from her and cupped her face, looking her straight in her eyes. A look that held over twenty years of love. Hillary wanted to both look away and never look away. Bill broke the eye contact and she immediately felt lonely.

“Let’s get you inside and settled. I know you are exhausted” he spoke softly to her. She was taken to the residence where she was looked over by her personal doctor. Other than some bruises and the hairline fracture in her wrist everything was fine including the child growing inside of her. Her mind went to that child, she wondered how much Bill knew. Of course, he knew everything, she was sure that Koresh had sent the ultrasound picture to him. He had left to be debriefed, but she knew he would be back soon and before she could finish that thought there he was standing in the door to their bedroom regarding her.

“William say what you need to say” she said annoyed by his silence. His brow quirked up. He stepped into the bedroom and closed the door behind him. He sighed and began to pace but remained quiet. He suddenly stopped and stared at her, shaking his head.

“What were you thinking Hillary? He could have killed you and nearly did” she rolled her eyes not in the mood for his lecture on propriety.

“I was thinking I needed to get away from you” he held his hands up in surrender not wanting to have this conversation right now.

“I don’t want to argue my love” the simple term of endearment melting a lot of the ice around her heart. Bill came and sat on the side of the bed, “I’m just so happy you and the baby are ok” there was the confirmation that he knew. She just nodded not trusting her voice.

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1 Month Later

They’d been tiptoeing around each other. Hillary was all but settled back into her old routines, but there was that big elephant in the room. She was relieved that Koresh had been neutralized and so was his accomplice. They determined that it was just the two of them working together and no other threats of that nature existed. Bill found her sitting in the living room, curled up nursing a mug of tea, her gaze trained on nothing in particular.

He shook his head when he saw her and started towards the bedroom. Something in her snapped. She sat the mug down and stood from the sofa, following the path her husband had just taken. “Just fucking say it Bill!” she screamed as she came barreling through the door. He turned startled by her outburst. “Don’t you dare tell me you don’t know what I mean. Just say it, tell me how stupid I am to have put my life in danger and I’ll tell you that I would do it all again to be away from you!” Bill still remained quiet, his face broke into a tight mirthless smile as he shook his head.

“I’m not going to fight with you Hillary. Not at all interested” he stepped into the closet and she followed him.

“Don’t you dare try to be the martyr here. You drove me to this William and don’t think for one second that this baby changes anything. We are over!” he abruptly stepped into her face.

“Whatever you tell yourself to help you sleep at night Hillary, but we both know the truth. Even if you had not been kidnapped you’d have been back here because you can’t quit me and I can’t quit you. We are intertwined” he came closer to her staring directly into her eyes. She had to fight to maintain eye contact as his gaze felt like it was drilling its way through her soul. “I’m in here Hillary” he pointed to her head. “I not only fucked your body” his hands came to cup her head. “I fucked your head and as much as you try to tell yourself you don’t want or need me that is a lie” his fingers laced into her hair as he held her had steady, making it impossible for her to look away even if she wanted to. Her pulse quickened.

“You are a sick fuck!” Bill smiled tightly at her before releasing her head and walking away.

“I’m really tired of this conversation Hillary. We can’t go on like this.”

“Finally, you see it my way” he turned back to her.

“Tell me that you can live without me and I’ll let you go” Hillary opened her mouth but closed it back. “Tell me that you don’t love me anymore, that you can’t stand me and you can’t forgive me. That you are better off without me in your life and I will call the lawyer tomorrow to have the papers drawn up” she stood still and silent, not expecting him to say these words to her. “Say something damnit Hillary! Tell me how much you hate me, how you don’t love me anymore! For fucks sake say it! Then we can put ourselves out of this misery” his eyes were blazing, she felt tears welling in hers.

She wanted out, but she didn’t want it this way. Her breath caught, and her nose flared. He hated hurting her, but he needed her to be stripped bare so that they could either let each other go or reconnect. There were no other options now. He loved her with everything, but he didn’t want her to be unhappy and if she could find happiness without him he would let her go.

“I can’t tell you that Bill” her voice was small and unsure. Not like Hillary at all and she hated what he could do to her, reduce her to a tiny shell of herself, tear her down, but she couldn’t deny that she loved how he and only he could build her back up with one look, a graze of his hand, a light kiss. He was right she was addicted, intertwined, absolutely mind, body, and soul in love with him, he was her biggest weakness and biggest strength all wrapped up in one. “I wish I could, God how I’ve wanted to be able to just walk away, but I can’t. I’ve postured all these months and made all these attempts trying to force you to do what I cannot” her glistening blue gaze locked with his.

“We are so fucked up Hillary and I don’t know how we got this way and what we can do to fix it.”

“I don’t know either I just know that I want to fix it. Even when I was so angry with you, I missed you I felt like I was missing a part of myself.”

“We can’t go on like this it isn’t healthy for anyone, but I just know I have to be with you. I feel like I’m drowning, and I have no way of saving myself when you are not with me. These last few weeks felt like torture, like my soul was being ripped from me piece by piece. Not knowing where you were, if you were safe, if you were…” his voice caught. For the first time they were talking about it all, not only the state of their relationship but also her kidnapping. Hillary went to him and cupped his face tenderly.

“I’m ok I’m here” a warm tear trailed down his cheek and over her thumb. He drew in a shaky breath.

“Are you ok?” she was taken aback by the change in the conversation. She stepped away from him instantly trying to put up walls. “Don’t do this Hillary. Tell me are you ok?” she looked away and shook her head.

“What do you want me to say Bill? That I feared every day that it would be my last, that I didn’t know if I’d ever see you or Chelsea again. That I regretted our last conversation being one of anger and I hadn’t been able to tell you how very much I love you and how happy you’ve made me despite of all our bad days, the good far outweighed the bad. You want me to tell you that I realized my irrational behavior contributed to my predicament and that I put not only my life but that of my unborn child in danger. Finally, you want me to tell you that at the time I had no intention of telling you of this baby, that I wanted to hurt you a tenth of how you had hurt me. I wanted you to feel the stinging betrayal that I felt, and because I couldn’t give my body to another I knew taking your child away would have much the same affect. Is that what you want me to say Bill?” the last part spoken softly as the impact of her words fell down on them both.

“If that is your truth then yes that’s what I want you to tell me Hillary” she blinked the tears away he wasn’t reacting at all like she expected.

“Why are you being like this?” he knew she was confused by his behavior and words.

“Because this is all my fault and I won’t blame you or anyone else for what I did. For the actions that led us here, my cowardice, my inability to do the right thing, my weakness, but baby even though I know I don’t deserve you and I never have I will do whatever I can to make sure I don’t loose you and I can make you happy, truly happy like the happiness you deserve and that I can be the man I should have been a long time ago. A man you can count on and trust” tears were now streaming down both their faces. They moved towards each other and embraced tightly. Bill kissed the top of her head as they stayed wrapped around each other, knowing that there was still some rough days ahead, but they would never walk away from the other.