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Summertime Sadness

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“Kiss me hard before you go.”

“Cas, for the last damn time, you are not coming with me!” Dean yelled in my face. I did understand what he was saying, but I didn’t understand why I couldn’t go with him.

“You need help, Dean. Let me help you.” I said, placing my hand on his shoulder. He shrugged it off.

“I don’t know if you remember, but you were stabbed about ten freakin’ times last night. And, don’t give me that “I am an angel” crap. You need to heal.”

“I remember, Dean. You were also injured. I can only help you. Please let me help you.” I can see his eyes soften as I plead with him. I know I will get my way this time.

“No, Cas. Stop asking. It is an easy job, and you’ll just be in the way.” His words sting, and he is making his way to the door, shouldering a backpack. Dean stops, hand on the door knob. He sighs, shoulders sagging. I take a step forward, but stop when he whirls around, and marches up to me. Using the lapels of my coat, he pulls me in for a rough kiss. I grip his waist, and return the kiss with just as much ferocity. He breaks away, and kisses my cheek.

“I’m sorry, Cas. I didn’t mean it.” Green eyes searching my face for forgiveness.

“I know, Dean. It’s alright”

“If you went with me, I would worry about you the whole time. My mind would not be on the job. Stay here and rest. Please. I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon.”

“Okay.” I said, with a sigh.

Another stubble rough kiss, and Dean flies out of the safe house they were staying at. I hear the Impala roar to life.

“I just want you to know that, baby, you are the best.”

Dean stumbles into the house late afternoon, just as he promised. I walk over to him, to check for injuries. He walks past me, and I know without turning around that he is pouring himself a glass of brown alcohol. Maybe whiskey. I sit at the small kitchen table, and wait for him to speak to me.

“It was a demon this time.” Dean started. I nodded so he knew I was listening.

“Did it go alright?” I asked. Dean took a large gulp of the amber liquid, and sat at the table next to me.

“The bastard killed a kid right in front of his mom. Ripped the kid in half!” Dean threw the glass he was holding, and it hit the wall. The glass shattering made me jump. There was a short period of silence where I tried to come up with comforting words. Instead, I just wrapped him in my arms. Dean only cried when it involved his brother, or when children were hurt. I tucked his head under my chin, and let him cry.
“You are an amazing human being, Dean Winchester. Please don’t let guilt destroy you.”

“Oh my, God. I feel it in the air. Telephones wire above are sizzling like a snare. Honey, I’m on fire. I feel it everywhere. Nothing scares me anymore.”

I took Dean to bed after he had calmed down, and tried to bury my self as deeply as I could into his body. To let him know that I would always be there for him. He clung to me, scratching my back. It hurt, but that was okay. If I could give Dean pleasure, then I would take on any pain from him.

My Grace vibrated, wanting to soothe the ache that Dean was broadcasting so loudly and clearly. He gasped as It licked at his skin, adding to the ever building pleasure I knew he was feeling.

“Harder, Cas. Please. I just want to forget. Just for a little bit.” I obliged him, of course. I would give Dean anything I could.

As I concentrated on giving him what he wanted, he turned those green eyes on me. The unshed tears resting on his lush eyelashes made my heart clench. Nothing scared me more than Dean when he is in a dark place. It would eat at him until he started doing destructive things to his body. Nothing scared me more than losing Dean Winchester.

“Cruising down the coast, going ‘bout 99. Got my bad baby by my Heavenly side. I know if I go, I’ll die happy tonight.”

Since Sam had been away helping Bobby, I got to sit next to Dean while he drove the Impala. I believe seeing Dean drive his “Baby” was akin to an erotic experience. He looked just like those tough and rumble greasers from those movies Dean had been showing me. You could see the pure elation on his face when he drove this car. It was beautiful, and it made me love him even more. It also made me want to show Dean just how much I loved him, in the back of his precious car.

“Oh man, this is my song!” Dean exclaimed, turning up the volume and shouting the lyrics. He increased the speed of the car, and I couldn’t help but grin. He looked over at me, and mirrored my smile while grabbing my hand. Dean’s soul was singing with him, and it was more beautiful than any of God’s other creations.
I was suddenly reminded of how fast we were going when Dean took a sharp turn, and that car crashes were a normal human occurrence. I couldn’t worry too much. We were way too happy to truly care about the dangers outside of the supernatural.

“I think I’ll miss you forever. Like the stars miss the sun in the sky. Later’s better than never. Even if you’re gone, I’m gonna drive.”

It was a very hot Summer night. Too hot to be arguing, because the sweat just kept rolling into my eyes. Or, I was crying. It was really both.

“Dean, I cannot let you do this. I won’t.”

“Oh, I’m supposed to let him kill you, Cas?” Dean yelled, looking close to tears. Crowley told Dean that if he goes to Hell, then he will spare me. He cursed me, and it was slowly eating away at my body.

“There has to be a way around this. We always find a way!” I said, raising my voice. Dean took my shoulders and shook me.

“Cas, we have tried everything. We just didn’t have enough time. You can’t die. I won’t let you.” I threw myself in his arm, and sobbed. He rubbed gentle circles on my back.

“I will miss you.” I choked out. He laughed, burying his face in my hair.

“Well, I should hope so. Hey, hey. Stop crying. I’ve gotten out of hell before.” He said, pushing me back to look in my face. Green eyes strong and full of resolve.

“I’m sorry.” I said, wiping my eyes. “I believe if anyone can out of Hell it is you, Dean.” He grinned.

“See? There we go. Just believe in me, and I will see you in no time.” I nodded, trying to take deep breaths.

“I’ll wait for you here.” I said. He shook his head.

“No. Here. Take these.” Dean dug around in his pockets and pulled out the keys to the Impala. I almost didn’t want to take them, but he shoved them in my hand.

“Dean, I cannot. I will not.” I said, stammering. He rolled his eyes.

“Take the damn keys, Cas. I didn’t give you those driving lessons for nothing. Go find Sam and Bobby. Take care of them for me. Alright?”

“Yes. I will do that for you. Anything for you.” I said, feeling another sob bubble up. He cradled my face between those strong hands.

“I love you, Cas. I’ve never said it before, but I need you to know that I love you.” He said, seriously. I kissed him as hard as I could before he pulled back.

“I love you as well, Dean.” He nods, kisses my forehead and walks out the door. This time I don’t hear the roar of the Impala.

There is a sharp pain in my hand. I raised the hand that is holding the keys. I’ve been gripping them too tight, and they cut into my palm. Blood was pouring down my wrist.

“I’ve got that Summertime Sadness.”

It had been one year since Dean left for Hell. Another hot Summer rolled around to remind me of what I had lost last year. I stood on the porch of yet another safe house. Sam and Bobby inside making dinner. It really is unwise to keep an anniversary of depressing events, but I couldn’t help it. The ache was still present. Still fresh. The heat suffocating me, clogging my throat with emotion. I shed a few tears, but quickly put myself together. Sam and Bobby had lost so much more than he had. It was not fair that he was still crying about it, and they were staying strong. Sometimes it seemed like they were staying strong for him. Bobby would rest a hand on his shoulder, and give it a comforting squeeze. If I was looking particularly sad, Sam would give me a tight hug and whisper “me too, I miss him too.” Both would give promises of it getting better. I believed them.

Dean left us so much, and it would be a waste to be sad all the time. For now, however, I was going to mourn for the rest of Summer. Every Summer, every year. Until the heat pressed a little less on my heart.